#n all the feelings are so fucking complicated cause. everyone in the subsys feels differently about it
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weirdest fucking shit to fixate over but we just keep comin back to it huh
tmi in the tags probably
#stupid for so many reasons including the way it's just 100% impossible#cause that's not smth that's possible in ours even though in other systems it can happen#n also i'm like......80% sure our inworld body doesn't have the required uh. inner equipment. can't be 100% on that though#i think it's maybe an ocd thing cause it always flares up around specific triggers (like the monthly cycle)#n the system as a whole has had related intrusive thoughts n paranoia for as long as we can remember#i think even before we'd had our first period but definitely at least since then (so 11yo->)#but. it's never been this constant before. i think vivec gets it sometimes but iirc it's more...sporadic for him#n makes more sense since he's had children before n has a crapton of trauma around that#but why me n the subsys?? it's only related to system shit too cause in my source memories i'm cis#just not here cause of the body we inhabit n the effect that has on my/our inworld body#still don't think the internal parts are functional that way though#plus i haven't even seen val let alone fucked him in a long long time now. so why???#he n doll barely do the uh. relevant stuff anymore either even if they're somewhat active in other ways#n all the feelings are so fucking complicated cause. everyone in the subsys feels differently about it#i fucking hate it. the thought makes me feel ill. violated. like the last of my autonomy has been stripped away.#honey's scared cause he feels like he did smth bad n is gonna be punished for it even though val's the one who always wants to. do all that.#doll....daydreams about a domestic life w/ him so he secretly likes the idea of havin his baby.#not the practical parts of it though. just the fantasy#silk is a mix between honey n secretly thinkin maybe val would care about him then. like maybe it'd fix things.#spyder doesn't seem to have the thoughts at all n runaway i think is asleep#plus...we actually know how val feels about all that. there was a conversation cause of some of the shit he says when he's at it#he likes the baby makin part (n i don't just mean fucking. he gets rly into the details.) n the idea of...succeeding at it#cringe shudder vomit etc#but if he thinks abt it any futher he seems....mostly just kinda disgusted.#though he was tryin to be gentle abt it (cause it was w/ doll) so all he said was he doesn't mean it for real he just likes the thought#cause they 'both know he's not parent material'#at least he's self aware enough to know that i guess. what with him regularly beatin his canon (pretend) daughter n all#so why the FUCK are we so fixated on this#it makes me feel rly nasty n at worst causes phantom pains so i'd rly rly like not thinkin about it ever#spdrvent
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