#myself and deemed that everyone around me was just seeing those mannerisms as ~girly~ and i stopped

[napneeders]

his body language is so important to me

[ship-ambrosia]

Chilumi Week Day 2 - Riptide (Fatui)

Summary: Childe tries to pull her under.

   Lumine gritted her teeth, catching her breath for just a moment before she turned heel and tumbled in the opposite direction she’d been going, barely avoiding the flame-imbued bolt of the Fatui sharpshooter who currently had her in his sights.

   “Behind you!” Paimon cried, giving her just enough time to throw up a gust of wind from her palm, blowing back the electrified hammer of a Fatui vanguard. The soldier fell on his back, unconscious, but it was only a little bit of relief as she remembered the sharpshooter again, the heat passing by her a little too close for comfort this time.

   “You’d think a Fatui hideout so close to the Dawn Winery would’ve been discovered by Master Diluc!” Lumine exclaimed, scanning the cliffs around her for the sniper. Her eyes fell on the manor in the distance, the home of her powerful, Pyro Vision-wielding ally from Mondstadt. She found herself worried for a moment, thinking of the worst. Thinking something might have happened to him while she was in Liyue. But she quickly reminded herself she was in the middle of a fight; besides, if something had happened to Diluc, someone from Mondstadt would have let her know.

   A sudden jolt in her side made her gasp; the agent with the hammer must have grazed her and she hadn’t realized it, but the aftereffects of electro energy were unmistakable. That would mean bad news if she couldn’t find the sniper, and he managed to hit her with fire, triggering an overcharged reaction-

   There was a cry from above, and then the body of the sniper landed at her feet.

   Lumine jumped, startled, unsure of what had just happened. Perhaps it was Diluc, having seen the fight in the distance from his manner? Or maybe it was Amber, the Outrider just happening to have been patrolling the hills of Windrise this way? Even Razor crossed her mind - sometimes he hunted out this far from Wolvendom. She looked up, and the silhouette she saw made her heart sink.

   Paimon gasped. “You!”

   Laughter echoed down from above them, before their rescuer - if he could even be called that - slid down the rocks effortlessly and landed gracefully on his feet right in front of Lumine. While she was breathing heavily from the fight, he hadn’t broken a sweat. Just another thing she hated about him.

   “Well, well, well if it isn’t my favorite traveler,” Childe smiled at her.

   “Well, well, well if it isn’t the most annoying of the Fatui Harbingers,” she snapped.

   “Hey now, is that any way to talk to somebody who just saved you?” He feigned hurt, but the glimmer of amusement in his eyes gave him away. “Besides, you haven’t met all of the Eleven yet, so technically, you don’t know if that’s true.”

   “Call it a hunch. What are you doing here?”

   “I was just casually passing by-“

   “In Mondstadt?” She raised an eyebrow at him, clearly not convinced.

   “Yes, I was casually traveling through Mondstadt, my lady, thank you,” he adjusted his gloves absentmindedly. “When I heard the sounds of battle! Imagine my surprise when I found it was you, my dear friends, being assaulted by thugs! I simply had to intervene.”

   “Thugs, right,” Paimon crossed her arms. “Thugs that happen to belong to your Fatui. Which makes them your thugs.”

   “Not at all, actually,” he grinned. “I’m the representative for Liyue. Any Fatui in Mondstadt are not associated with me.”

   “So who are they associated with?” Lumine asked him.

   He gave her a familiar, infuriating chuckle. “My dear, if I told you that I’d have to kill you.”

   “Lumine! Kick his butt!” Her companion yelled. “And then we’ll tie him up, and take him to the Knights of Favonius ourselves! Or better yet, leave him on Master Diluc’s doorstep!”

   Childe looked toward her, eyes gleaming as though he wanted to see her summon her sword back into her hands. “Don’t threaten me with a good time, girlie.”

   In response, she just kept glaring at him.

   “Okay okay, sheesh. You know I can’t resist that pretty face of yours,” he stretched his arms over his head, as if warming up for another fight. “They’re agents of Scaramouche’s command, as far as I can tell. Signora is still in charge of the Fatui in Mondstadt, but Scaramouche was assigned a new mission by her Majesty, and he’s been given free reign into any of our territories. I heard he was lurking in Liyue, and wanted to check out what his mission was.”

   “So you know it, don’t you?” She pressed him.

   Childe’s grin winded, as he leaned down toward her, his face merely inches from hers. “This seems a bit one-sided, don’t you think? What am I getting out of this?”

   The corners of her lips upturned slightly. She just couldn’t help it, the warm, bubbly feeling that rose in her chest whenever he got close like this. “I’m not knocking you on your ass, how about that?”

   “Like I said, don’t tease a guy. Come on, gimme something. What’re you doing back in Mondstadt? I thought you were done here. Signora already got the Gnosis, after all.”

   Lumine’s expression darkened at the mention of the event. He was trying to get a rise out of her now - everyone in the Fatui had to know about how she felt about what Signora had done.

   “I was coming to talk to Jean and the Knights about what happened in Liyue,” she sighed, giving in. “I wanted to hear some third opinions. As much as I respect Zhongli, Ningguang, and the rest of the Liyue Qixing, I don’t trust them as much as I do my allies in Mondstadt.”

   “About what I did,” Childe guessed. “And you want to tell them about me?”

   She smirked. “Don’t be so narcissistic. Not everything’s about you.”

He considered this thoughtfully for a moment, before sitting down in the grass. Childe gestured for the two of them to do the same, before pulling out his bag and producing a set of papers.

   “You’ve been deemed a threat of higher urgency to the Fatui than the Knights of Favonius, Dawn Winery owner Diluc, or any member of the Qixing,” his brow creased. She couldn’t remember the last time she’d seen him look so concerned. “Scaramouche has been tasked with subduing you. Those Fatui agents followed you all the way from Liyue, and set up an ambush here.”

   “Whoa! Paimon thinks that must be why Master Diluc hadn’t found them.”

   Lumine listened intently, looking at the papers before her, before it clicked. Her head shot up and her disbelief turned to anger. “You were following me too, then!”

   More to her surprise, he didn’t deny it. “I had to see for myself.”

   “What kind of game are you playing here, Childe?!” She exclaimed.

   “I already told you. I prefer to let other people play the game. I’m just the thrill-seeking pawn,” he answered, his voice even.

   “I’m your enemy! Your Tsaritsa ordered one of the other harbingers to capture me, and you’re taking out your own troops on my behalf? Is this just your new way of manipulating me?”

   “It doesn’t have to be that way,” he mumbled.

   “Huh?”

   “I said you don’t have to be my enemy,” he looked at her, a grim seriousness setting in. “Wouldn’t you prefer if we were on the same side? I love fighting you, more than anything... but fighting alongside you is another thrill. Something I haven’t gotten to experience.”

   “What do you mean?”

   “You could join the Fatui,” he said.

   Lumine and Paimon exchanged a glance.

   “You’re joking,” she replied.

   Childe’s smile returned. “I’m actually not.”

   “I’d rather not take orders from Signora, thanks.”

   “Who said it would be Signora?” Childe once again leaned in toward her, his proximity making her blush again. “What makes you think I’d let anyone else from the Fatui have you?”

   Before she could respond, Childe’s head suddenly jerked backwards, the young man letting out a grunt of annoyance. Lumine glanced around to see Paimon floating in the air behind him, her small hands buried in his hair and pulling.

   “Paimon thinks that you’re up to something bad!” The little fae exclaimed. “Paimon thinks Lumine cannot trust you as far as she can send you flying with her Palm Vortex!”

   “Let go of him, Paimon,” Lumine said, raising a hand to cover her mouth as she giggled at his expense.

   “You’re lucky I’m a generous guy,” the harbinger snapped at the little companion, rubbing the back of his head. “But I’m actually being serious. You’re a very important person to me, Lumine. I would like you to work for me, in the Fatui. I can protect you from the others if you join me.”

   Lumine was quiet for a moment. She’d never seen Childe look so worried - not even when they’d almost lost Teucer in the Ruin Guard factory. He was always sure of himself, of his abilities, to overcome any obstacle before him. Now she doesn’t see that certainty.

   He’s scared. For all his lies and honeyed words, that look in his eyes isn’t something he can just fake.

   “I could never join the Fatui,” she replied, careful with her tone. She doesn’t want to push him away - in fact she wanted to make it clear to him that she’s trying to pull him in closer. “Not after everything they did in Mondstadt. Venti, Jean, Diluc... everyone else in the Knights of Favonius. They’ve been hurt by their actions. Not after what you did to Liyue.”

   He lifted his gaze to her, a storm brewing in his blue eyes.

   She smiled to herself, remembering that it was those same blue eyes looking down at the paper on his desk, at the letter he wrote his family, and Teucer’s words came back to her.

   “No, I want you to travel with me,” For what had to be the first time since she had known him, Childe looked caught off guard. She found it was something she liked from him; it made him look younger, more his own age. She felt her face soften; he had a dangerous influence over her, that she already knew.

   “If you’re so worried about what the other Harbingers are going to do to me, then you should travel with me,” she continued. “I’m not going to stop looking for my brother. I don’t have any allegiance to Snezhnaya, outside of wanting you and your family to be safe.”

   The look he gave her through all of that was so tender, held so much awe, that she felt herself wanting to look away. But Lumine couldn’t drop his gaze - she wanted to show him she was serious. Just as serious as he was about her joining the Fatui with him. She stood there, waiting for his reply.

   “Hey!” Paimon’s sudden exclamation snapped both of them out of their gaze. “Doesn’t Paimon get a say in this? What if she doesn’t want this Fatui jerk traveling with you?”

   Lumine couldn’t help the giggles bubbling up in her throat, and she turned her attention to her companion - allowing both herself and Childe to breathe again.

   She crouched down close to Paimon, as a knowing smirk crossed her face. “Are you really telling me you wouldn’t want Mr. Money Bags here to pay for every meal we have every single day he’s traveling with us?”

   “Oh! Paimon changed her mind! Paimon would be very happy to let Childe travel with us!”

   Now it was his turn to chuckle. “I appreciate the warm invitation,” Childe waited for Lumine to look at him again before he continued. “I see Teucer told you about the letters I sent home.”

   Even though it was certainly not her who should be the embarrassed one, Lumine felt her cheeks heat up anyway. “How did you...?”

   “You’re good at hiding things, girlie, but I’m better,” he said, wagging a finger at her. “I didn’t become a Harbinger just based on my fighting abilities, you know.”

   “Paimon thinks that you are still too crafty to be fully trusted.”

   “I don’t like to reveal my sources, but... Teucer sent me a letter where he asked what’s keeping me from traveling with you, since you both seemed so “happy” with me.”

   “Teucer, huh,” Paimon smiled. “He’s too crafty, just like his brother.”

   Childe’s expression suddenly became very melancholic, soft... and apologetic. “But I can’t join you. Not yet. I understand why you can’t, and won’t, join the Fatui. I already knew you were going to say no, but I had to ask anyway.”

   “Likewise,” she answered.

   He took a step toward her, towering over with that cocky grin of his for a moment. Then Childe took one of her hands in his, leaning down and pressing a kiss to her knuckles. She wasn’t entirely sure why, but the way he grinned up toward her face from behind his ginger hair sent her heart pounding.

   “I’ll do what I can to keep you safe from inside the Fatui, my lady,” he said. “Just hearing that I’m as important to you as you are to me is enough.”

[otterenergy1962]

Letting go of old beliefs - part 3

In part 1 and 2, I wrote about life situations that caused me to have limiting beliefs about myself. For this entry, I am focusing on one that has run through the core of my being and has been persistently there for my entire life. As I examine it, I am starting to locate the actual point(s) in time that caused this limiting belief.

I am plain and unattractive.

It is a simple fact that I don’t always see why others people think that I am attractive. Some people even go as far as to say that I already know that or that I take advantage of it. I’ve been accused of being an attention seeker for posting a picture of my weightlifting progress… Many people just make assumptions and seem to be quite willing to express the same to me because they feel safe behind their keyboard.  Would any of them have the courage to say so in front of my face?

One of my old desires was to look like a Tom of Finland drawing. For my straight friends, Tom of Finland was an artist who drew gay men in a hyper-masculine manner. The men were often extremely muscular and well-endowed. I always thought that I was a man who was too far from even being close to resembling a hyper-masculine caricature. I felt very different inside. I was still that overweight kid that had low self esteem and low self worth.

Sometimes guys project their ideas and feelings onto me. I’ve gotten friendship requests on FaceBook from men who seem to be a really nice guys. Once friended and without my request, a dick pic (or other parts of the body) shows up and I feel disappointed because they must only see me for what they believe I am. If I post a picture of myself without my shirt on does that mean that I am a whore and want others to automatically think think that I am seeking such? That I am willing to toss them a nude shot of me without any self-respect?

My ex husband would often say that I was the straightest gay man that he had ever known. He said this because I would often wear jeans and a t-shirt, didn’t seem to have any fashion sense or didn’t partake in the stereotypical gay man’s activities. I didn’t want to sleep around with everyone, didn’t obsess with HGTV, didn’t go to raves stoned on various drugs or believing that the grass might be greener on the other side of some stupid fence so that I could dump one man for a better one…. He even said that I didn’t have the gay designer gene!

After all, I didn’t fit the Tom of Finland stereotype. I liked reading, writing, science fiction, gardening, cooking and more. I liked walking on the beach and camping.   I didn’t ride a motorbike or wear leather and role play hyper-masculine fantasies. So, why didn’t I start acting like I was a Tom of Finland man so that I could PRETEND that I was something that I was not? My ex husband, Henry, did that all the time. I used to giggle about his desire to be a butch leather fantasy man who loved doilies, frilly antique pieces and miniature doll houses! I didn’t deem it necessary to pretend that I was something that I wasn’t.

In my journey of self discovery, I have learned that it is okay to be silly, dance to Madonna in my underwear while making dinner or singing Donna Summer tunes while cleaning the house. By the way, I clean my house in jeans and a t-shirt! How “un-gay” can that be? I love otters, not in the gay sense, but the animal. A gay otter is a man that loves bears. Bears are big and hairy guys. So, I’m not a gay otter, but am nicknamed Otter because I want to be playful like my spirit animal. A friend recently told me that one of things he loves about talking to me is how I say goodbye on a FaceTime call. I wave bye-bye like I do with my students! He says that I have this cute child-like grin on my face and wave quick little wave. He says it is really cute!  Okay, definitely not Tom of Finland! What makes it okay is that I don’t have to conform. I can be anything I want.

As I write this, I think back to when I was a child. I loved to play ball tossing games and skipping rope. Tom of Finland guys don’t skip Double Dutch… or do they? This brings up a question that my friend, Gary, recently asked me. “What would you say to that little kid that loved Double Dutch and tossing a ball against a wall whilst singing songs? Why does he like doing those things?” He would say because it was fun. There wasn’t a rule that said I couldn’t do those things. I didn’t like playing sports that much and seemed to enjoy the girls’ company more than the boys’.

It wasn’t until I was a few years later that I found out that being different would surface in a negative way. Suddenly, the word “Fag” starting being heard. The Double Dutch guy was a fag who felt dumpy and nondescript. I think that I was trying to make myself that way to avoid being noticed. If you made yourself as nondescript as possible, the bullies wouldn’t notice you as much. Duck your head and look the other way! I can even remember telling my mother that I didn’t feel good about myself. She just said that I would grow out of it…

I didn’t. I took that idea into my adult life. I continued to believe that I was nondescript and unattractive. When I came out, men liked me because of my age, or so I thought.  I figured that being young made you attractive. It never occurred to me that I was attractive in some other way.

I’ve already written about the AIDS crisis and how it affected me. When you are HIV+, you see the world through a different lens. In the early years of AIDS, people like me were considered pariahs. You were considered so because people were afraid. I remember the stories of the early years where men who had this unknown disease were isolated in rooms at hospitals, their food trays left in the hallway for fear of getting this unknown disease. For more information, read this article: https://www.out.com/positive-voices/2016/12/01/woman-who-cared-hundreds-abandoned-gay-men-dying-aids#media-gallery-media-1 . Like the men in the story, I felt abandoned. My partner at the time was so afraid of the syndrome that he refused to touch me. In my mind, he abandoned me, so I  abandoned him and tried to move on. Relationships became more and more difficult.  Even hook ups were impossible because I didn’t want to infect someone else by accident. So all those years of dealing with HIV had a major affect on my view of being unattractive and undesirable. It fortified my original concept of myself. Gradually, as I met more HIV+ men, I began to have relationships that were more comfortable, but the effect of the situation has stayed with my all of my adult life.

I’ve also written about how exercise saved my life in those times. I’ve been exercising ever since in the form of weights, aerobics and group fitness classes. I also taught them from 1990-2013 and developed a real sense of physical fitness. In those times, I developed the belief that to be attractive, one had to be muscular and fit. I was able to hide my disability though exercise and bulking up. In all that time, I never considered the possibility of looking inside and seeing the person or soul who had the muscular, fit body. All I could see was an imperfect body, never fit enough, all the flaws with my face, my body, and my soul. I could rally a major list of flaws, but seldom looked at the positives.

It has been in the last few years after major relationships ended, and dealing with cancer that I have come to see what I need to see. I began to look inside for the answers. I am still on that road to understanding and loving myself. I can honestly say that I am an attractive man, not totally because of my outside appearance, but what is also inside. My friend, Gary, again come up with a nugget of wisdom one night as we discussed the difference between being attractive, being desirable, being appealing etc. We even discussed who we thought was stunningly beautiful! The nugget was, “Keep your eyes, ears and heart open to an opportunity to try something new!” I’ve opened all of my senses to take the opportunity to see what is beautiful in me!

So, I was curious about what people thought of me. I asked a group of friends, some of them have been sexual partners and some have been platonic friends. The answers stunned me. The points that came up the most were:

“… you are a man that speaks and acts from your heart and have nothing but the best intentions for those you care about most.”

“You’re incredibly kind and caring. You’ve been kind of like a "Daddy" type to me by nurturing me and giving me tough love when needed. You're an animal lover. You’re intelligent. Strong. All of that. Confident.”

“Your eyes are intense, showing your beautiful soul and genuine warm and caring smile.  Then you’re so warm, kind, respectful, affectionate...  fun and adventurous.”

“You come across as what we call in Arabic, ‘the combination of the opposites’ - you are silent and brooding but at the same time really kind and caring, and you can be goofy and fun when the time calls for it. You are a serious man who has no problem showing emotions and vulnerability. You are strong, yet fragile.”

“You’re kind and easily let people in. And it’s just very easy to be around you, a very welcoming presence.”

Where there examples that showed that they thought I was attractive?  You bet! However, they have been tempered with the above points, telling me that it is more than just what is on the outside, and that the inside is just as important:

“Physically, for me you are definition of what I consider hot, attractive, not pretty girly but stern masculine look and a warm beautiful smile, you’re tall and muscular and very aggressive sexually chemistry that just is a drug to me.”

“Obviously you’re extremely handsome and built. You’re into a lot of fun and hot things, such as rubber and kink.”

“Superficially, you’re ruggedly handsome.”

“Ok, here’s my honest answer: physical aspects: silver, salt and pepper hair and beard are very attractive to me, combined those signs of a well seasoned man with the body of a well trained one and then you have a lethal combo that many can’t resist.”

“And top if off, you’re a very sexy and handsome man. ❤️”

So, can I honestly say that I am attractive? Am I a Tom of Finland kind of guy? The answer has been coming to me more lately. I’ve taken a few selfies and I’ve looked past the crooked smile and the grey hair. I’ve ignored the wrinkles and saw the warmth and beauty in my own eyes. There is a softness and a love that I’ve not noticed before. Is it selfish or conceited to find the self love and the things that make me attractive to myself?  I’m going to have to say no. If anyone says that I am posting pictures of me with my new glasses to just to get attention or to make me feel better by hearing everyone’s opinions… I have have something to say: These guys need to push off and find somewhere else to dump their own insecurities! They need to acknowledge their projections and their own conceptions of self onto me. I’m not a narcissistic man who posts pictures and says, “Look at me! Hello! I am here! I am beautiful and don’t I know it?”  Give me a fucking break!  All I am is a man who looked into the mirror, deep into his own eyes and found the soul and heart of a man that people find attractive and beautiful for many reasons.

I’ve since had that conversation with the little boy inside who thought he was nondescript and unattractive. We’ve consoled each other and come to love each other for all of our traits. Thank you guys (Gary, Bryan, Seann, Ray, Masoud et al), for your comments. Thank you for helping me see that being attractive starts at home in the belief of the self. I love you guys!

Carpe diem!