#my worst and most horrible man who has been through horrors

[wri0thesley]

cass…… voracious applause sound effect. nat. i need him. i’m so in love with him it makes me sick. i have to know more about him as a lover/yandere. is he a coddler? a fawner? a worshipper? or is he more detached about his feelings? would he lose interest in his perfect muse after he used them to create his masterpiece, or is he an all-in-for-lifer like lucas? RAHHHH he’s so !!!!!!!!! if i had a tail it would thump the ground every time he entered the room. i will be daydreaming about him for the forsaken future. peak character design keep it up nat!!!!!!!!!!!! <333333

oh my god anon i cannot believe this ask got lost in the hellscape of my inbox but i am so so happy you like my tortured Byronic artist asshole. he is very dear to me.

he’s a pleasure-seeker and an aesthete above all; the yandere feelings develop as an addition to that. he is an ‘all in forever’ type (I’ve described this a few times as a ‘lizzie siddal complex’; he wants that muse who keeps giving - in this situation he’s the rossetti). once he has found them, he’s worshipful to the point of suffocation - it’s simply unfortunate that he thinks the pinnacle of art lies in the expression of human emotion, and most especially pain! but despite that he does have a softer side. an awe for anything he considers beautiful. a certain softness for other artists. a secret desire to be taken care of (deep down, beneath the bluster and the slow aristocratic drawl and the rakish dandy image he tries to preserve). aughhh…

a bonus collection of images/memes i have saved abt cass:

[ultraviolet-cello]

Aw man. Today's the last day of @tristampparty and I am surprisingly sad about it. I'll be catching up the days I missed at some point, but I've chucked all that I've written, including today, into a google document and I apparently wrote 7.5k words over the course of episode 6 to today.

That's! A Lot!

I really wanna thank everyone who reblogged and gave me their additional thoughts/commentary, and special thanks to Revenantghost for organizing this whole thing! you do good work for this fandom i am giving u a gold star

With that, here we go into Episode 0 - High Noon at July. CWs for pregnancy discussion and a less detailed than last time but still present analysis of sexual assault and transphobia, marked with a [CW] Ofc, spoilers for Trimax and Tristamp

Cowboy kid Knives is something u can pry from my cold dead hands but it's also,,, I don't watch a lot of westerns, but the way Knives describes it seems like he likes the high action and justice. Which yea. yeah.

A lot of ppl interpret Vash then saying that he doesn't like that sorta stuff as him having always had pacifistic tendencies but I don't really read it that way? I just see him being rather similar to Trimax Vash - chill kid with his own interests and hobbies and Knives being the very oversensitive kid so outshines him initially.

Regardless of version of Trigun (except 98. 98 didn't know shit about knives lmao), Vash and Knives have always started off wanting to coexist and be peaceful; it's just how they reacted to it later that differs. In this case, Knives wants to stand up for his friends and make a peaceful world through that, and Vash is more passive in that he just wants to have faith in humanity.

Not to mention they are kids. Young, idealistic kids. This is pre-Tesla, they don't know the extent of how horrible the world is. The loss of innocence and subsequent breakdowns relating to The Horrors is yet to come.

[CW] Mmmmm they really don't make the pregnancy imagery subtle now do they dfgkjdfjk

I also think there's like - merit in also interpreting Knives as trans. Not Just because i think he's also very trans coded (A lot of his breakdowns and story arcs have reflections in how some trans men overcompensate masculinity in a Bad Way. That's a very small subsection of trans guys btw but I am speaking from experience. I got better tho). Anyway it makes the fact that Knives is disregarding Vash's bodily autonomy very much Worse if you take the male plants are trans analogy into it.

He's so far gone that he's willing to do to Vash what would be the worst thing to be done to him; Violating his body to rebuild and make him a perfect independent ("remind him of biological reality"), physically overpowering him ("taking the aggressor, commonly masculine role in sexual assault") to do what he wants. Disregarding the wants and needs of the Plants ("women +fem-presenting ppl that he originally set out to protect because he knew their experience and wanted to help and still has that trauma from witnessing that trauma")

Ofc that's just a reading of the scene, but I quite like it as a trans guy because that makes a really good villain with trans themes/motifs! I hate him so much (affectionate)

No, no she doesn't. Meryl is making a choice and she's gonna damn well stick to it! She's been given agency and she's gonna spend it in the most eldritch horrific scene that someone on that planet could spend it lmao. Well, no Knives takes most eldritch and horrific. Meryl's second tho

Okay this fucking scene drives me INSANE. This is a memory, clearly, but it's one that's being tampered with. Vash asks Knives if they can get along with humans, and then Knives immediately messes with the memory to make sure that he says that he'll protect Vash no matter what. But that is very clearly not what was originally said, so... What did he say? What was present day Knives so desperate to cut off?

I've talked about the narrative being biased against Knives a lot, but something I haven't talked about is that Knives kinda tries to contribute to that narrative a lot. He wants to seem like he never cared about humans, he wants to seem like he always planned this and was going for justice ever since he was a kid. He tells Vash the Tesla incident was just a small grain of sand, he uses Luida to tell everyone he wants to kill Rem, he's unbearably cruel to Vash to make his point. The only difference is that he wants to be right.

So he doesn't let us see what the kid version of him says, because that would contradict the narrative he's built for himself.

I really wanna give props to Studio Orange here for both the design and way they modelled the wing here, that's a really difficult task when the guy you're putting a wing on has a tight as hell bodysuit. But the anatomy holds up surprisingly well!

Also many people have pointed out that the plant mech looks a lot like Rem, and Knives staring into the face of a Plantish representation of his mother that is created and controlled subconsciously by his brother and saying he was rejected is. It sure is a scene!

ONCE AGAIN. INCREDIBLE EFFECTS. I also would like to once again point out the angelic motifs of Knives' design here.

Also Vash saying this is SO important because Meryl!!! is so important!!! I see a lot of people brush Meryl's space in the story off and it Enrages me because Meryl is one of the most important people to Vash. Aside from our frontline yaoi soldier Nicholas D. Wolfwood, Meryl has one of the most tangible impacts on Vash's character.

When Vash is in his breakdown in Trimax, Meryl is the one to kneel at his side and believe in him; When Vash is having his god awful horrible mindscape time in Tristamp, Meryl does the same. When Meryl is kidnapped in Trimax, Vash instantly jumps out of a window in the chance of getting her back. Vash trusted her enough to fire the ion cannon in the sand steamer episode. He immediately went to July the moment she and Roberto were kidnapped.

Meryl has so much faith in Vash and she's insane for that, but Vash recognizes her and that faith pays off in giving him the strength to carry on. He heard her voice, too :]

Also oh to be floating slowly down to the floor while you're a meter away from a cube with the power of an atom bomb while someone named Millions Knives is summoning millions of knives in front of u. Meryl has guts, man.

And now that Vash has gotten his gun back, he's back to using it as a tonfa! (check I think my analysis of episode 7 for more on that). Watching for the swing blocks, the forearm guard, and thwacking the knife tendrils out of the way

This fight scene has soooo much love and care and detail in it I love it so much actually. From seeing Vash's bullets to all the expressions and beautifully detailed firing, there's so much detail in a quick space that you really have to slow it down to see everything.

Seriously how strong is Knives to be able to have a feasible chance again Vash's prosthetic - and Vash matches him! Also the chomp

Now something that I have the shakiest of theories on is that after summoning The Cube, Vash starts moving in a far more controlled manner, he stands still when reloading, he has his movement flurries and then stands still to aim. Which uh. Studio Orange works in 3d, but those are 2d animation techniques. He's moving like 98 Vash.

There's a lot I admire about Studio Orange's use of 3d (I am a mid-tier 2d artist lmao) but I love love love that they're able to get all these really nice, creative camera shots that would be impractical in 2d (all those overhead shots, for example, have a chance of turning about bad/looking weird in 2d, and puts more strain on animators, but 3d you have the models from every angle already. 3d isn't easier by any means, but it does have its strengths)

Also. how Did Wolfwood get over here, dare I ask. mans climbed a tower in just a few minutes what is Wrong with him

Also a nice detail, Vash usually has perfect trigger discipline, but he falters here against Knives, probably because he's been already shooting, but hey, he's stressed. I'll give him a break.

I also appreciate exactly how superhuman Wolfwood is now. Tristamp Wolfwood is on a different level. Like 98 Wolfwood is just some (attractive) guy, Trimax Wolfwood has a lot of gory body horror going on and a subtle kind of endurance/strength, but Tristamp Wolfwood just jumped off a very tall building holding a grown woman and the Punisher and was fine.

Oh hey, same symbol on the tower as was on the sandsteamer and on Vash's wanted poster - symbol of July, probably

Very horribly, Knives probably did just save Vash's life here. But also the rest of July's life (though ofc he just extended the timer)....

I'm not quite sure When Vash started using plant bullets, but he's definitely using them now. Also the nails on his prosthetic are a nice touch!

THE FLYING SAUCER STRIKES AGAIN. I wonder if that's gonna be the basis of the Ark, if that's the route season 2 goes.

I also. Was that allI the Plants collected that escaped in this, or were there a bunch still running in July that get obliterated too? Did Knives inadvertently cause the death of more plants? I mean, when Knives gets revived in Trimax he definitely causes the death of at least 2 plants (there are a couple of bulbs in the background of the blast radius, plus the one that was used to revive him... she uh. Didn't look like she was doing so hot)

Vash's little speech is always so,,, intense. He has such a strong sense of character and it's admirable how well he sticks to his morals despite it all.

On a more body horror note, Knives can survive a long fucking time trying to grab The Cube. In Trimax he gets hit with the angel arm and practically disemboweled instantly, but Tristamp Knives can take over a minute of just like. being right in the direct path of fire. They're really gonna have to work to reconstruct him. Good luck, Legato!

UFO SPOTTED !!! LEAVING JULY AS IT IS DESTROYED !! NOT CLICKBAIT !!!

^ I made that long ago and needed to use it somewhere dfgkjdfg

[RAUCOUS CHEERING]

And ofc I have to bring up Eriks :] I don't actually have too much to say abt him. Studio Orange strip this man and make him bark like a dog next season or we will riot

CHRONICA MENTION!!!!! YAYYYYYY

And that's kinda. It.

Man I have had such fun over the last 12 days, I've really discovered a love for analyzing and theories and putting that out there and chatting with people about Trigun :] I should do this more often lmao but I do want to get back to drawing. I'll find a balance, then!

Thank you all for coming, and Wow if you made it this far I must be doing something right lmao.

[tornoleander]

Wow, you're the beta reader for bbnb? I didn't know that. (So you can confirm that Hat is infact not dead because I haven't seen any activity from them in a while and my brain always jumps to worst case scenarios)

Anyway, definitely didn't forget to respond for like a week, but here are some of my theories/scenarios:

-I still think Cole's the one who'll remember bits and pieces because A. He's a ghost B. Hat used he/him when talking about who will remember and C. It would be incredibly emotionaly impactful

-HOWEVER, I think Pixal could also remember some stuff. None of the emotional stuff but she did technically die when Nadakhan erased her. Besides, it could be fun to see her try to let Jay or Nya know she remembers while still stuck to Zane.

-also Zane's falcon died but he was never mentioned in this fic so 😔

-Jay DEFINITELY has c-ptsd. Like, 100%, I'm sure the nurse/psychologist whose name I forgor would agree with me

-I'm pretty sure Wu just died by some falling island or something like that. Or he could've died by the storm, that would be cool.

-I know he said that swearing is a sign of weak verbal skills but I feel like Jay would start swearing more for comfort. Like, Nadakhan hated it but never truly did anything horrible to him because of it :)

most of the scenarios in my head play out with the ninja being captured again

-for example, Jay using his internal electricity to shock someone when they all have vengestone

-or them getting tazed and Jay sending the current back like he did in the electric chair

-or they're all traped and saying shit like "there's no other option" or something and Jay replying with "suicide's still an option" like that's a normal thing to say which obviously worries the others

And then there's the non captured scenarios

-something something Jay falling into autopilot after being told/asked to clean to ship and ends up also cleaning the hull "Why are you cleaning the bottom? We're in the air and you're not even tied to anything???" ".... trauma response?"

-or just straight up Jay having a panic attack out of seemingly sowhere (Cole said he wished he could eat cake again)

Anyway, those are the things I could think of right now, there's more but it's 3:39am and I'm tired :3

Hope it's not too long lol

Yep! As of ch 15. Me and hat have been chatting for a while and I bug them for feedback on Art accuracy so I help them with some writing corrections too!

I have been working on beta reading earlier chapters as well currently half way through 4. It is certainly an experience but now I yell my feelings into comment instead of just the void

*reaches through horrific horror to correct spelling mistake.

Yup Hat is alive! They were just fixated on something else for a while but they are back.

Ok now for scenarios

-Cole remembering bits……. I will refrain from giving my thoughts.

-Pixal and Zane’s falcon died pretty early so I do think they may remember up till then but It probably wouldn’t help understand much.

-I don’t think Wu died? But it’s not impossible.

-CPTSD?

I will ask hat about this one but seeing as bbnb events qualify as at least 4/6 of these causes of it AND ptsd is a tag I’m going to give it a yeah. Cause non complex ptsd is typically less prolonged.

-the swearing I do think he might do more but not necessarily for comfort

-For your head scenarios I am not sure all the ways hat is planned show how the events of the fic messed him up. But I know they’re a big fan of consequences for events…

From what I’m guessing he is going to be trying his best to hide everything and it’ll be somewhat canon compliant? But to be fair He is pretty consistently the most mentally unstable ninja. Take This with a big grain of salt I’m saving the analysis for my skybound video, but his behavior does generally line up well with SA surivers. the first time that Jays a prisoner post Skybound is when he says “You don’t argue with a man who’s navel is that close”

Which

Drives me insane by the way

Side tangent, I’ve been doing a lot of Skybound digging for my eventual video essay. And my current best theory on why this is a line has to do with SA of men being played for laughs.

Like older audiences are supposed to hear that and find it fucking funny. It’s unfortunately not uncommon in kids programming. My quest to best explain why S6 is so uncomfortable has been… enlightening. Terrified of approaching a controversial topic so I have been learning a-lot about approach and how to not be awful. But my fixation is being channeled led into the eventual Skybound video.

Hope I answered what you wanted to know and It wasn’t purely my Adhd rambling

[that-foul-legacy-lover]

A Moth To A Flame

Synopsis: The Abyss takes and takes, leaving Tartaglia alone and hurting until you appear to ward off his suffering.

Foul Legacy Childe x Reader Pronouns: Gender Neutral (no pronouns mentioned) Genre: Hurt/Comfort, Fluffy ending Warnings: Mentions of blood, pain, body horror, allusions to gore, crying, mentions of suffocating and drowning

Requested by @crystalheartzzz and anon: “Hiii, this is my first request so idk howq to do it??😭 so ig I'll go straight to the point?😧May I request for childe with a s/o who has an abbysal form too but its more like a butterfly??? And reader didn't fell to the abbys they just stumble upon a book that explained how to summon a abbysal creature when they was a child??? Or something like thst idk you can just ignore me if this is dumb💀” “Ok imagine Foul legacy with a monster! reader. They didn’t fall into the abyss but they had a curse put on them and were locked away for years and their form has torn butterfly wings and overall some sort of butterfly concept(like how FL’s concept takes more after a moth) FL finds reader in a cave and panics because theres someone right in front of him that has a similar form to him. I wonder how he’d react”

~ * ~ Abyssal monsters attract one another. To them, the taint of dark, starry magic is almost tangible, urging and whispering to return to the watery depths. It worms into their hearts, settling and rotting into wishes of battle and bloodshed, only quelled by the sharp tang of iron in the air, eating away at their sense of self until all that remains is a hollow husk hungry for something, anything to fill the emptiness. That is how Tartaglia lives, with blood on his hands and a cheerful smile on his face, as the corruption tears away bits of his mind every day. His subordinates praise him, behind his back, as the most amiable Harbinger to work under, other than perhaps Pulcinella, but they’re blessed to have never seen him in the midst of a fight- with a twisted grin and blades almost dancing in his hands, it’s little wonder Tartaglia’s name has become known and feared on the battlefield. It does little to satiate the constant thrum of the Abyss in the back of his head, however, and little by little his breezy confidence and upbeat demeanor become more and more forced, cracking whenever those horrible voices hiss their dreaded desires. Perhaps it was fate, then, that he met you on the same day he nearly succumbed to the raging, stellar waves. You had crept into the bank, quiet as can be, standing stiffly beside the door and observing the elegant room. It was your first time making a deposit- terrible timing, as your nerves were thoroughly frazzled by how many warnings you received from passersby about the Fatui agents and their Harbinger, the worst of all- and your hands had been shaking as you forced yourself to put one foot in front of the other and approach the front desk. The receptionist greeted you politely, but didn’t manage to get through a few words before being interrupted by a boisterous laugh, a young man with ginger hair striding through the door and up to the desk. With a flourish he drops a bag of mora onto the counter, coins clinking against wood and fabric as you hastily step aside. The man makes rapid smalltalk with the receptionist, who simply picks up the bag and transfers it to the back, apparently used to his behavior, and the man takes a moment to sweep his gaze over the bank with a satisfied smirk. Your eyes meet lightless ocean blue, and his confident grin fades into surprise and intrigue. Tartaglia stares at you, entranced, head tilted ever-so-slightly as the tendrils strangling his heart begin to loosen, Abyssal darkness shrieking and retreating back into the far recesses of his mind. The Harbinger staggers when he inhales, the air filling his lungs making his head spin as he’s finally able to breathe again. But Ekaterina returns to her position and beckons you forward, and as you move away Tartaglia’s chest clouds with sickening stars, world dulling until it’s faded and washed out and Tartaglia feels like he’s suffocating from an ocean’s weight. You bow to Ekaterina and the Harbinger beside you slouches in a chair, body trembling in an effort to stay sitting upright. The clack of footsteps on tile makes their way over to him, slowly, and the Young Lord glances up and meets your bright, now-curious eyes for the second time today. Tartaglia’s deadened heart beats, once, then speeds up as you stick out a hand and give him a hesitant smile. “Hello.” Tartaglia’s shaking hand slips into yours, and the Abyss fades away once more. The next weeks are filled with bliss as he seeks you out again and again; a Harbor newcomer and the Eleventh Fatui Harbinger are quite the sight to see in the evening. He learns and learns and learns- your name, your job, your favorite food, your favorite color, your homeland- everything coming together into a beautiful, multifaceted existence, and Tartaglia finds himself genuinely laughing and smiling more with every hour you spend together, heart fluttering in his chest at the mere sight of you. Is he falling in love? Perhaps. But he doesn’t stop himself, because to you, he’s Ajax. Maybe it was foolish of him to tell you, a stranger not a few weeks ago, his true name, but when he sees the slow, ecstatic smile spread across your face and the gleam of affection in your eyes, he feels like anything but a fool. In the years since he turned 14, the time since he fell through that crack in the earth, it seemed like he’d forgotten what true warmth was until he met you- and now his heart was set ablaze, a bright spark burning away the thorned roots of Abyssal corruption. He hugs you, a little too tightly, when you call him Ajax, because that’s all he wants to be- just Ajax, without any fancy titles or ranks or responsibilities other than being yours, and when he sees your smile or hears your laugh it almost feels like he never fell into the Abyss in the first place, drawn to your presence and being like a moth to a flame. But the stars, whether in the sky or the sea, despise being ignored. He’s almost forgotten what it feels like- what it’s like to not be able to breathe, to suffocate from sheer pain encapsulating your entire body- until the day he wakes up with a pounding headache and the sound of his own wheezing. Tears spring to Tartaglia’s eyes, his lungs being stabbed and torn apart by night-stained thorns winding around his throat. It hurts to speak, so he can only weep, each inhale sending another wave of pain through his body and ripping another sob from his chest. His skin stings, burns, bright dots dancing in his vision as he helplessly watches his hands darken and crackle, claws piercing the fingertips as they grow. Thick, starry blood drips and stains the covers, and Tartaglia manages to let out a scream of agony before the darkness forces him under and all turns to black. Your walks to the Northland Bank have become routine now, so often do you visit your new love- friend, and the moment you step inside the receptionist- Ekaterina- looks up and nods. But your face falls when you glance around the room and don’t see Ajax, the fluffy head of fluffy ginger hair nowhere in sight. Ekaterina gestures upstairs, waving you away with a tiny smile at the singular flower grasped in your hands, the glaze lily blooming a gorgeous shade of familiar blue. With your cheer restored you jog up the stairs, the spring in your step harmonizing with your idle hums as you stop outside the door marked with an elegantly-carved star- the sigil of the Harbingers, raising your hand to knock. A harrowing shriek pierces your ears and echoes through the hall and you freeze, blood turning to ice from pure terror, the flower slipping from your fingers to the ground. Then without thinking you fling the door open and rush inside, thoughts racing because oh Archons, what happened- it couldn’t be- please, love, don’t be- “Ajax?! Are you okay?!” A monster screeches in his place, pressing itself into a corner and curling into a ball, trying to disappear from view as it covers its face with razor-sharp claws, letting out heart-wrenching wails and sobs. All you can do is step closer, astonishment glittering in your eyes because that’s Ajax, isn’t it? The Abyssal creature awkwardly shoved against the wall is your love, isn’t it? Tartaglia- no, Ajax, the terrified young man from Morepesok- whimpers, the blood from his Foul Legacy transformation splattering from his mouth to the floor. It hurts it hurts it hurts so much- it’s never been this bad before, it’s almost like the Abyss is punishing him for defying it, drowning him, Ajax, in an ocean of stars so only Tartaglia remains. His talons snag on the dips in his mask-like face, an attempt to anchor him to reality as his head fills with eerie singing, everything bursting into fire before his eyes. Claws, gentle and delicate, wrap around his own and pull his hands away from his head, and the Abyss shrieks and recoils when Ajax shakily looks up at an otherworldly creature with eyes the exact same shade as ones he often found himself getting lost in for hours. Yours. Weak peeps and chirps slip from Ajax’s maw, seemingly in shock as you kneel before him and hold his limp hands, carefully tapping your sharp talons over their backs. You let out your own responding trill and brush your knuckles over his cheek, humming in delight when he leans heavily into your touch, crystalline blue eye fluttering shut. Purrs begin to filter from some soft, secret part of him, watching your magnificent form through a slitted eye, fingers trailing idly over your butterfly-like wings. You begin softly preening Ajax’s copper-colored hair, removing any dried blood and tangles until it’s soft as a cloud, and when your claws gently rake across his scalp Ajax croons, melting in your lap and nudging your hands so they’re scratching behind his twin horns. There’s barely even a flinch when you clean his wounds, so overcome with the comfort of you holding him in your arms, not even struggling from his size because you’re just like him- Abyss-touched and trying to survive in a world full of light. Ajax tugs on your claws when you’re finished, lightly at first, then more insistently as the instinct to cuddle and protect and comb your fluff with his talons grows stronger. When you dip your head he pulls you close against his chest, pain forgotten, and snuggles his cheek into your hair with a happy purr, careful to avoid your own horns. You simply slot yourself against him, hands soothingly rubbing the muscles around his cape-like wings, your gentle humming making Ajax yawn wide enough to see all his adorable fangs. Quietly you pluck the fallen glaze lily from the floor and tuck it into Ajax’s hair, and he lets out a flustered rumble, chirps and trills coming out stuttered and sleep-heavy. With a drowsy coo, Ajax gives you a small, affectionate lick on your cheek, and two Abyssal monsters drift into slumber as the sun sets over Liyue, a pocket of warmth against the cold darkness below.

[drbased]

Your last two theory posts are absolutely fascinating and I'd love to read more on this subject from you, it really resonated with me. My father started getting radicalised online during lockdown, he's now a Q anon, a climatosceptic and a antivax amongst other things. I saw the man who taught me tolerance and acceptance become extremely racist, antisemitic, homophobic and most of all misogynistic over a few years (even tho he has two daughters, one being out as a lesbian. And his family having been subjected to horrible racism in his youth when he immigrated from Algeria) and it has utterly destroyed our relationship. We're no better than acquaintances now.

The biggest shift of all was how he went from an agnostic antitheist to a Christian during lockdown, then shifting again to a weird neutral stance I can't really explain. He says he's against all organized religion and authority (just so we're perfectly clear, I don't believe that for a second), but at the same time he has started seeing everything through the lens of Christianity (which was a big factor in how antisemitic he suddenly got). What I mean by that is that satanism in particular has become the central point of his whole philosophy. Everything is about the devil now. He told me I was supporting satanism as a horror movie fan, but also as a woman who supports femen activists. He thought the Olympics opening Ceremony was about Satan. Every single movie has a hidden message about Satan. He also notably started becoming a weird fan of psychiatry (my mum is a psychiatric nurse and an amazing one at that, she is very knowledgeable about these things) and started diagnosing random politicians and celebrities with "conditions" he made up which STRANGELY, have very demonic symptoms according to him.

[content warning ⚠️⬇️]

If I said everything I have to say about how the satanic panic got to him I would write for 4 hours. This has completely uphanded his life. Obviously like many like him, everything is about pedophilia too. The two are obviously linked. His new theory is that the president of our country (Emmanuel Macron) was raped when he was a newborn by his current wife (who is actually a man according to him) and it affected his brain which allows a secret organisation in the shadows to control him 👍 and also it's all about Satan too how could it not.

This whole thing has genuinely ruined my family, and he has been relentlessly trying to convert us and prove to us that these theories are real. This has not worked out great for him as his four children pretty much gave up on him. And the worst part is that I'm sure that our collective reaction and repulsion has only cemented his convictions. Because people like him love to feel oppressed and silenced.

I'm gonna be honest I completely forgot where I was going with this, I typed way more than what I planned. (Sorry for any mistakes English isn't my mother tongue)

I think feminists need to talk more about these conspiracy theories (at least I'd like to feel a bit less crazy, because I only hear about this from him and all that gross stuff he talks about like it's nothing is getting to me) and I was so relieved when I saw your posts! I was like omg I hear about that subject from someone who actually makes sense. If you have any recommendations of things to read, listen to or watch on this subject I'd love that and I'm sure I'm not the only one. Love your blog btw! Sorry for the long ask. Have a great day 💜

No worries about the long ask! I love reading other people's perspectives and experiences. And I wouldn't have guessed english isn't your first language; the only thing I noticed is that you wrote 'uphanded' when I think it should be 'upended'.

This is such a lovely ask to recieve! Whilst I love writing and analysing there's always a small part of me that thinks, ok, this specific thing I wrote is totally bunk, nobody's gonna wanna read this. So it's wonderful to recieve such recognition, especially not on anon (no shade to the anons though!)

'His new theory is that the president of our country (Emmanuel Macron) was raped when he was a newborn by his current wife (who is actually a man according to him) and it affected his brain which allows a secret organisation in the shadows to control him 👍 and also it's all about Satan too how could it not.' whaaaaat? Is that an existing theory or something he invented? I can see like three different patriarchal fears in that:

that 'leftist' men are a corruption of healthy masculinity

that men are corrupted by women's sexual violence (patriarchal reversal)

transphobia stemming from a conflation of homosexuality and femaleness as inherently linked; the ultimate in male emasculation and humiliation is the idea of the masculinised woman who dominates him

I grew up with conspiracy theories so I have some understanding of how they create a simplistic narrative out of the complexity and inherent unfairness of life. I always recommend Innuendo Studios' youtube series The Alt-Right Playbook as it was instrumental to me in gaining an understanding of how the right-wing mind works, but on this subject I recommend in particular the video 'You can't get snakes from chicken eggs'. The commentary that really resonated with me is relevant to phrase 'a lie is halfway around the world before truth gets its boots on': a lie can always be percieved - and communicated - much more simply than the truth, so it spreads easier and faster. And conspiracy theories are a way of both simplifying down the narrative into good vs evil, but also adding complexity to fill in all the obvious gaps - e.g., since there's no proof satan exists, but we need him to exist, there becomes an addiction-like obsession with trying to seek patterns that 'prove' he exists.

I can't remember where I read/heard it, but one of the psychological benefits of believing in conspiracies is that you get a gamification of life that generates a community - qanon with his 'q drops' has perfected this process: small bits of incoherent babble alluding to something are drip-fed to the community, who get to decode it in real time. The collective narrative-making is exhillarating, especially in a world with a fragmented culture and isolated people with diminishing 'third spaces'. And I know from personal experiences that one satisfaction from being a conspiracy theorist is that you get to 'achieve' something by doing absolutely nothing; you don't have to be any sort of activist or help people in the real world: since it's all information 'they don't want you to know', simply knowing the information is all that is needed for you to feel accomplished. I would definitely put 'conspiracy theorist' into my 'symbolic states' category because it's so transparently about placing a narrative layer over reality.

It's really sad what's happened to your dad; I imagine it would be incredibly painful seeing someone you love lose touch with reality so violently like that. And I believe you're right; that your collective response to him will only have strengthened his convictions. It reminds me of how it's been shown that door-to-door preaching is terrible at actually converting people, but instead is more useful to cement bonds between the group members as social outcasts. And conspiracy theorists basically pride themselves on being the pariahs who see the truth no one else dares to see.

[msfbgraves]

What do you think of The Godfather Part 3? I honestly hate most of it, it just feels like poorly written fanfiction lol. I can't decide what's the worst bit: Mary, Mary and Vincent's incestuous relationship (WHY!!), Michael and Kay, Michael being totally OOC (smiling, being jovial), Michael's truly horrible haircut (might be the single worst offender for me OMG)...just a bad film in my opinion. I like to pretend it doesn't exist.

I personally really like Sherlock series 1 and 2, and ignore the existence of the rest of it, pretty much. That works fine. But if you don't mind me feeling differently while understanding where you're coming from, Nonnie - I really like the Godfather Coda, the Death of Michael Corleone. Part III, the first cut, nah, I think we can put that aside. And yes, the difference in Michael is too jarring for the most part. I've watched Pacino in different things, and he seems to prefer playing more extrovert men, and seems to have decided playing Michael that way was what felt best to him. And I could see it - there are some hints of that Michael very early in film 1 with Kay - but they'd need to do a better job bridging that gap visually. I can forgive it, because I do see this film as Don Corleone desperately trying to go back to being a man, Michael Andolini if you will, the man he would have been had he not picked up the mantle of Don, the man he can't ever be. Vito saw the tragedy in his son picking up that mantle, he almost apologised: "There wasn't enough time, Michael." Michael now sees Vincent being hungry for it while he cannot escape how his own choices are eating at him. When he wants his son to join him, he is rebuffed. When he forbids his daughter to join him through Vincent,he is rebuffed. I think the figure of Mary shows very clearly how he has lost all the loves of his life to this crime, in the dancing scenes: Apollonia, Kay, yes, Kay, people, and now the one who yet loves him as a man first - Mary. Connie, too, has been entirely corrupted.

The third Godfather gives us a whole film about this stage of alienation and power slipping from us, while framing the rise of Vincent not as a triumph but as a horror. Vito's rising was mostly triumphant, as he honoured his relationships. Michael's rising was terrible on everyone he loved... and Vincent's rising through Michael's eyes is sleazy. A rotten thing that Michael can't escape.

But most gangster films give that a couple of scenes at most, indeed a coda... but Coppola was like: if you insist on milking this, I refuse to go easy on you. I will not do it, I will give you the wreckage I spent two films building up.

Artistically brave, but a genre break, and a sad thing too that these men can't figure out a way to include a young woman in this action other than through love. Cousins marrying was not totally unheard of in the Sicilian old world, though, I don't think. Small island, few newcomers. These things die out hard. Just another way to show how this old world clashes with the life Michael chases and can never reach - through his own choices! It's a true tragedy! Could he have done differently? Yes, but also no, he is Michael. Who bears the emotional fallout of this, and this I love - the women! The ones who are supposedly so cutoff from all this! Connie gets abused, widowed, and has to submit to her own brother in an effort to save the other and herself. Again, she's lost two siblings and a husband to this violence! Kay lives in terror and still loses a daughter. Mary - poorly acted Mary, I'm sorry, even recut the others outshine her too much - killed by a bullet meant for Michael, and Michael, forced to live with his failure exiled in the Sicily he tried all his life to leave behind... it's tonally a break and not at all what a lot of fans of the first two would have come to the cinema for. But what do I think?

I think despite its flaws it's brave and necessary.

I mean I love that Michael ends this film alone, ashamed and cursedly alive.

[daubigny-stan]

i watch a lot of youtube because i do not like having nothing on in the background lest i consume myself with my own thoughts. one of my most watched genres is fashion youtube. i've been watching fashion youtube since highschool, back in 2016-2017. and from watching all those yearly trends, thrift flips, and hauls, i've come to the conclusion that if i ever want to do youtube, i would not start until ive got a dayjob and like... robust self-esteem. age 27 AT LEAST.

so let me take you through my thought process. the queen of fashion youtube at the time was Ashley bestdressed. she did thrift hauls, thrift flips, outift inspos, the whole shebang. i think she was college - fresh graduate age when her channel was at peak popularity? and in 2020 she just dipped. disappeared. she makes content for ig only now and is working for many major fashion houses (good for her!). she vanished for a variety of reasons, in her videos she has always talked about her mental health struggles, having a stalker so she had to move a couple times during covid nonetheless, and honestly having the worst fanbase. i was on bestdressed reddit and discord at the time, these fans were horrible.

now, the most popular girlies on fashion youtube are kathleen illustrated, beepworld, mina le, and steal the spotlight (although im sorry to say in numbers not doing nearly as well as ashley; give em a watch if you're into fashion!). many of them started around the same time citing Ashley as a big influence. here i want to compare these creators to Ashley, not to incite hate but to understand what makes a healthy and sustainable content creator career.

I think age and career are a big factor because although social media content creation is usually a young man's job (because young people can keep up with trends and what not), the social part of social media is grueling. the horror of being known times like. a million. in ashley's case she had 3 million subscribers. and when you're around 21-25 ish you are the most insecure you will ever be. at least for me, i hope (im 22 now). so not only was ashley most likely struggling (she was very open about it, she made a lot of self deprecating jokes) but her biggest demographic was people her age who's insecurities were probably fueled by her content. like i will stress, im NOT blaming ashley, but like. 20 year olds watching another 20 yr old live her best life? oh my god the jealousy. the insecurity. it didn't help that she was so relatable and humble about it, i think we get more jealous of other people's success the closer they are to us (why i dont look at my personal instagram anymore lol). badabing badaboom parasocial relationship and 3 million people watching your every move and critiquing every bit of it. her fanbase had THE most baseless critiques. disguising her rich background or whatever, hating on her for being privileged (which she recognized a lot btw), literally going incel mode and making comments about every inch of her body, the only critique that holds up is prob the amazon video which she deleted. also she was not white which i think people were very weird about. i cant deny that her white contemporaries got much less hate.

what works with the creators now is some of them have careers outside of youtube and are also less personal with their content. for example, kathleen illustrated has a career in the creative industry which means she mostly does youtube for fun. you can tell it's not a source of stress for her, from the way she is in her videos. they also don't really talk about their lives in a personable way which separates them from their audience. now i know this point in particular in contentious, authenticity and relatability are huge selling points on youtube. but i guess it's more of analyzing the costs and benefits of it? is it worth to put your whole life out there? showing your boyfriend, your girlfriend, your friends? what if you split up? you can have a personable aura without revealing private details. in mina le's videos, since most of them are video essays she has the opportunity to show off her personality without revealing private details.

i hope the creators i mentioned and others don't have to go through what ashley bestdressed has gone through. i know content creation is a very passion filled career and to end up in circumstances where you lose your love for it sounds awful

[lycanlovingvampyre]

MAG 126 Relisten

Activity on my first listen: putting up a new fence.

How this statement giver tosses around name after name and I don't know who they are?? Who is Rosa, who is George? Who is Desmond? (Apparently someone with some defects most likely to their face?) This is so small town behavior, talking about people without explanation because they think “oh, everybody knows blabla”.

"I know, it was an amateur class, and he was under no obligation to do exactly the work as instructed, but Ray was very clear with the rest of us that we were doing things in a specific order for a reason, and it was just a bit frustrating to see him nodding along to that awful man flagrantly disregarding what we were meant to be doing." If art school has taught me one thing, it's that teachers will praise works which will make you only scratch your head in confusion XD I like the concept, that the Spiral is affiliated with art. In the end anyone can interpret it differently and that's why these discrepancies in perception happen. Also, I think a lot of artistic people have been a bit of outcasts for our "weirdness". Me and my friends certainly all are.

"At least, not until I went to my salsa class the following Thursday, and instead found myself walking into a room set up for sculpture. I was obviously taken aback at what had to be a really significant scheduling issue, but having a quick check of the timetable of classes, it looked very much like sculpting had always been on a Thursday" Oh yeah, this. This is the worst... I hate this...

"He said the key was that faces were twisted. All faces were twisted on the inside, and all you had to do was reach into the deepest part of yourself and put that twisted on the outside of the clay, and as soon as you can scream you’ll have your own face staring back at you." Yep, sounds about right. I went through five years of teachers giving instructions not unlike these. Not all of them were like this of course, there was a pattern to which field of art was more down-to-earth and which felt like nonsense and bullshitting around. Funnily enough, the workshops of these art classes were set structurally exactly like this in my school. Down-to-earth classes in the basement and ground floor and then it got weirder the higher up you moved.

"he said, glancing over nervously to Gabriel, who gave him… big thumbs up. Like it was all some joke they were playing. It didn’t feel like a joke, let me tell you." This statement is so uncomfortable...

"Finally the lines seemed to resolve into a clear shape: A door. 'Perfect!' Gabriel told me. 'It looks just like him!'I asked him if it was supposed to be a face and he told me yes. It was a good friend of his. I asked him who and he said they didn’t have a name. I told him everyone has a name, and he said his friend wasn’t like us, that having a name would only confuse them." The Distortion...

Aside from the horrible gaslighting this episode is an excellent example for cosmic horror. All the impossibilities of things happening, rooms being not the same, shapes shifting, people not being people anymore.

"I could feel his spiraling fingerprints start to turn. Round and around." Reminds me of Annihilation. They were snaking there.

JON: "A Great Twisting, that Gertrude stopped at the cost of a single life. (hm) I thought moving away from my humanity would have made that seem more acceptable. That sort of sacrifice… But it just makes me sad." Queue another discussion on Jon and Gertrude’s relationship to “humanity”. (Also, did he already hunt down a live statement here and is sort of talking about this as well?)

JON: "I remembered Gertrude’s notebook. We found it alongside the plastic explosives, but it rather got lost amongst the business of… (sigh) saving the world at the cost of two lives. It – it’s borderline incomprehensible. Not because of any code, or cipher; there’s every chance I could read those. Just simply because most of it is numbers or fragments of sentences that would no doubt mean something to her, but, well, not to me. I’ve been staring at it for hours, in the hopes something from it would just – come to me. And it worked well enough to point me towards this statement, which is… useful background, and perhaps gives some insight into how Gertrude formulated her counter-rituals, but – not much more." Oh yeah, so the notebook does come up again! (I couldn't remember back in MAG 113.)

JON: "I’ve been trying to check on Melanie’s condition. She refuses to see me – understandably, I,I suppose, and Basira has been looking after her. (sigh) It hurts, of course. But… (sigh) I really hope getting that bullet out of her helps. At least stops it from getting any worse. I can’t have been too late again." T_T Okay, so as a HSP this is just torture. First we get this asshole character which I hated and I couldn't even get into the podcast because of it. Then sweetheart Martin hits and Jon shows more and more that he has a bigger range of feelings than just stone-cold skepticism. Especially when the realisation of Not!Sasha catches up to him. Then we get this character, who we slowly learned to like, get tossed around like a ball in a middle school gym class, we get to see him open up to others, we see that he is liked and loved by others and then THIS for an ENTIRE SEASON! (It’s not like it’s sooo much better in S5...) And even though nobody except for Melanie blames Jon for Tim and Daisy's death, he blames himself and we get to feel that because we mostly see his perspective of course. Jon thought his childhood bully dying is his fault, Sasha dying is his fault. Tim blames him for getting stuck in the Archives and other events (I got eaten by worms because of you - MAG 65), Melanie also started to blame him in S3 (Because it is your fault that I'm here. Fix it or get out of my way - MAG 102). His thinking pattern is centered around guilt.

JON: "I suppose I should be worried, but I have so much to keep watch over." I think this is exactly what makes TMA so good. There's too much to keep watch over, so it manages to surprise you. I've seen stories of a lesser scale fail to surprise because it was easy to keep track of all the elements.

JON: "She didn’t go to Sannikov Land in the end. I don’t know, however, whether that was because she decided not to… or because shortly after this statement was given, they found the body of one Mary Randall in her basement, and she has spent the last nine years in Eastwood Park prison, where she remains to this day." Oh fuck, I missed these research bits that made the statement even worse.

It took me incredibly long to get that Martin is talking to the tape recorders like a pet xD (Also... Web!Martin?)

MARTIN: "It’s because he’s back, isn’t it. He’s back, so now you’re going to be – around, again. Listening in. (amused *hm*) You missed him, didn’t you? (same little laugh) Yeah. Yeah, me too." ༼☯﹏☯༽

PETER: "You talked to him?" MARTIN: "I – I tried not to; I-I-I didn’t mean to –" PETER: (I’m not mad I’m just disappointed) "You talked to him. And that’s understandable, Martin, of course it is; please don’t think I’m upset; it’s just – not ideal." Martin arguing that their meeting was an accident actually sounds kinda fearful. For a short moment this paints a very horrific dynamic between these two, until is shifts into this best buddy-manipulation.

MARTIN: (indignant) "A-a simple ‘hello’ isn’t going to make any difference to –" PETER: "We’ve been over this." God, he wants to...

MARTIN: ""But if I could just explain –" PETER: "And how do you think Jon’s going to react to that explanation, hm? You think he’ll accept it calmly? Come through with a well-considered, rational response?" MARTIN: "That’s not fair." PETER: "Or would he assume he knows better than you and do something rash?" Actually, that's kind of what Jon ends up doing though? Accepting it and trusting Martin, that he know's what he's doing. But Jon is also impulsive and it's easier to talk Martin into this not provoking impulsive, possibly self-destructive behavior, so Martin let's go of his connection to Jon.

PETER: "Martin. This isn’t how any of us wanted it to go. But here we are, and if we don’t pull this off, it’s over for everyone. Jon included." Oh yes, building suspense!

PETER: "Because behind all his bluster, Elias is just like all the rest. He’s so preoccupied playing the game, he doesn’t pay attention to the big picture. He managed to convince himself that he could get his ritual off first, which would have made all of this a bit – moot, but that’s not really an option anymore." Again, I totally didn't have Elias still planing his ritual in the picture when I was listening the first time.

PETER: "I’m just saying that we’d all be better off if your Archivist actually knew how to archive." MARTIN: (enough) "Peter." Lol, it needed to be said?

MARTIN: "When all this is over, I’m telling him everything, with or without your permission." PETER: "Martin, when it’s over, you won’t want to." Yes, more build-up! (Also, Martin nooooooo!!!)

[MARTIN LETS OUT A CONTEMPLATIVE NOISE.] PETER: "But he will be safe. They all will." And more about Martin's motivation. I didn't listen to any of the trailer the first round because I was listening on YT, so this was vital information for me.

PETER: "Never had much of a gift for administration myself – too many variables. Now, this box on the left, that’s the library stuff, yes?" MARTIN: "Wh– n,no! That’s the – Those are the dates! I – (clicking) Look, are you sure you don’t want me to teach you; i-it’s a very simple program –" PETER: "No, no. Can’t stand computers. Besides, that’s why I have an assistant, isn’t it?" Ok boomer xD

@a-mag-a-day

[ariainstars]

Orca the Killer Whale (1977): A movie about survivor syndrome

“Is it possible to sin against an animal?” “It is possible to sin against a blade of grass. But the worst sin is always the one we commit against ourselves.”

I watched 1977’s Orca the Killer Whale several years ago with a terrible sinking feeling in my guts. Literally. I did not dare to watch it again. Still today, I think Orca is possibly the most heart-wrenching movie I have ever seen.

Captain Nolan, an Irish Canadian, wants to pay off the mortgage on his boat so he can return to Ireland. Hunting with his crew for the local aquarium, he captures what he mistakenly believes to be a male orca; but what he harpoons is a pregnant female, who horribly miscarries on the deck of his ship and dies shortly afterwards. Out of his mind with rage and grief, the male orca goes on a rampage terrorizing the village they live in.

Cetologist Rachel Bedford tells Nolan that orcas mate for life, and that they are capable of communicating and of recognizing people. Nolan is sceptical at first, but as the beast becomes increasingly dangerous and cruel in its hunt, he has to accept that he needs to face it. He confesses to Rachel that his own wife and unborn child had been killed in an accident by a drunk driver years earlier, a trauma he never really overcame.

Nolan starts to feel a kinship with the orca despite its ruthless pursuit of revenge; he did not kill the pregnant female orca on purpose any more than the drunk driver had done in his case, but in both cases, the tragedy and the sorrow that follow are inescapable.

Nolan follows the orca deeper and deeper to the Arctic Sea, accompanied by his crew which gets decimated one by one, until only Rachel is by his side. Finally, he faces the orca in the eternal ice. The beast kills makes him fall into the water and then gruesomely crushes his body by throwing it against an iceberg with its fluke. Only Rachel is spared, who watches the animal swimming underneath the eternal ice once its killing spree is completed, seeking its own death due to lack of oxygen.

Of course, nothing of this is realistic. A real orca would not have so much knowledge and consciousness, and any marine biologist could tell you that orcas do not mate for life; but this is not about realism. Orca’s central theme is grief.

In the beast, captain Nolan has to face his own pain and sorrow; his story ends in the Arctic ice, reminiscing of the last circle of hell according to Dante. Nolan was guiltless of his own wife’s and child’s death, but he obviously suffers from survivor syndrome. He can’t forgive himself because he couldn’t protect his loved ones, so nature won’t forgive him, and the punishment is horrible.

I wonder to this day why so many viewers insist on judging Orca a B movie or a Jaws rip-off. The two protagonists, captain and orca, are both hunter and prey, tragically linked to one another by the same fate: the death of their companion and unborn child. Captain Nolan has to live again through the horror and helplessness to save the people he cares for (first his family, then his crew), until he realizes that he has to face his nemesis - open sea, and the terrible beast that incarnates both his sense of guilt and the sentence.

Contrarily to Jaws, Orca has a hopeful beginning and a tragic ending; there are no winners and losers; it does not offer the final pay-off where the beast is in the end defeated by man (provided that a shark exploding is what you interpret as a good ending). In Orca, nature wins over man, and this is not so much due to the beasts’ power and cunning but due to the human’s weakness. As was foreshadowed in Nolan’s conversation with the local pastor, the worst sin man commits is always against himself.

There are some gore scenes in Orca: nevertheless, it’s not a classic horror or monster movie. The story transports us into a cold, deeply sad, melancholy world without hope. A movie that teaches us to respect nature, not only animals but mostly our own feelings, including the negative ones, like sadness and grief, because if we try to escape them, they will always come back to hurt us deeper every time until we finally confront them.

The soundtrack was written by Ennio Morricone, a composer who certainly doesn’t have to hide behind John Williams. If you don’t want to watch the entire movie, just try to listen to the track “We are one” without feeling your heart breaking. I dare you.

And if you are a sensitive soul, I advise you keep away from this movie altogether.

[nogoawaytism]

Okay, so I really like the idea of Silver Bull. (And by "like" I mean it's been burning in my veins for months.)

Oh shit, it's long.

Realistically, it would take quite a long time to fully develop of course. There's Adam's racism towards humans combined with Merc's inability to really open up to anyone who isn't named Emerald. And of course there's always the angle of the two being an all-around toxic pairing, much angst. Buttt since I'm just a sinnamon roll and want everyone to be healthy and happy, I'm going to go for the healthy variety.

(By the way, in my au, Adam and Ilia are the same age as most of the cast. I never really saw the point of making them older and younger respectively.)

Initially, when Adam is forced to spend time around Emerald and Mercury (the HORROR), it's the worst day ever. You could write at least one full season's worth of a sitcom. Emerald and Mercury just do stupid shit to intentionally piss him off. To be clear, it isn't 100% out of malice. The two have some desire to see him cut loose in spite of everything. From seeing how he fights, they know just how dangerous he is, especially towards humans, but even from the start, there's this sort of mutual respect from both parties. I think Adam would be the one to feel attraction first, and he's horrified that he's capable of feeling attracted towards a human. Inevitably, the shells crack over time. Adam and Mercury aren't blind to the softness that Fox can bring out of Emerald, one different than the one Mercury can sometimes evoke. At this point, the concept of a human and a faunus together romantically is such a foreign concept to Adam- obviously it was horribly taboo in Atlas, and it would be highly looked down upon in the White Fang to say the least. Eventually Adam's curiosity gets the best of him, and he asks Fox "What do you see in her? She's a human!" Fox replies "She's more like me than she is different." and elaborates on the similarity of their pasts. Fox also tells Adam "I can tell there's something that's hurting you too. It's buried deep inside, but it dictates your every step. And I don't think I want to force it out of your mind." Adam's understandably kind of freaked out over Fox's semblance, but there is some innate trust because he is also a faunus. They develop a friendship- probably Adam's first friend that isn't in the White Fang. They've gone through hard times. Neither has a living family, and Adam was blinded in one eye, while Fox has never had vision in either.

Eventually, Adam and Mercury do reveal their pasts to one another of their own volition. It's a big turning point in Adam's worldview, it's not like he wasn't aware that humans could be abused, but rather it's hearing a firsthand account of an especially horrific case, one that's honestly quite similar to his own. For the first time, Adam is connected to a human via mutual understanding, albiet a fucked up one. And for once... it's like those racial barriers aren't there. It's a pair of two scared little boys, experiencing something NO ONE should ever experience, looking into a mirror, plenty of visible scars, and even more invisible ones. Suddenly, all of that repressed pain from over the years, channeled away into rage and destruction for a cause bigger than they are- the dam breaks.

They cry. How many years has it been since their eyelashes have gotten spiky with tears? Or their heads hurt, is it from crying? The beatings? The mental strain? Losing their humanity, as they feel it draining from them day after day? How long has it been since their faces have been flushed from raw emotions that haven't been channeled into a fight? Do the once-familiar sensations of hot tears streaking down their faces, running into their mouths and leaving a salty aftertaste in their mouths feel foreign now?

Even with the freedom fighter and the assassin's hard facades, there is no shame in everything coming forth, because he knows, the man across from you knows, did anyone? Did you give up on anyone knowing? Or are they dead because you survived and they didn't? You thought you could move on, did you really? It's in your face now, those prosthetic legs, that charred flesh, hidden away under fabric to avoid rude or frightened stares.

Where do we go from here?

[cdreambur]

piece set in the what's up danger au because this idea has completely taken over my brain and i can't stop thinking about it lol

when the tv flicks to life, dream knows that something is wrong.

he just got home from work, excited for his date with wilbur. there's two pizzas on the dinner table, a bottle of fanta on the kitchen counter.

the only thing that's missing is wilbur himself.

dream just wants to reach for his phone to message his boyfriend when the sudden sound of the tv turning on comes from behind him.

a feeling of dread settles in his gut and deep in his bones. because the device only does this if something really important, something really horrible is happening.

dream is grabbing his suit before there's even anything on the screen.

it falls from his grip the moment there is.

it's wilbur, in his red and black spiderman attire. but he's without his mask, brown curls tangled and falling into his face.

he's curled into a corner, propped up against the walls of a dark, empty room, and dream can see coarse rope around his wrists, tying them together in front of him.

there's noise behind the camera, most likely someone shuffling their feet, and dream's heart stops at the way wilbur flinches away from it, tucking his legs and bound hands even closer to his body.

a second later, someone new steps into the frame, dream's breath hitching when he recognizes the white suit and the thin metal mask over the upper half of the man's face.

he doesn't know a lot about snow outside of his powers and his love for chaos. only that he's brutal, cruel, and has a vendetta against spiderman.

the man's lips are twisted into a vicious smile, sick entertainment glimmering in his eyes.

"hello, citizen of new york. and hello, spiderman. i really hope you're watching right now, because i've got something of yours here: your partner."

dream watches with horror as snow's hand sinks into wilbur's hair and, with a sharp tug on the curls, tilts his head up.

"because that's what he is, right? in more ways than one."

it's blissfully silent for one tiny moment, and then, snow uses his grip to slam the side of wilbur's head into the wall.

dream feels like throwing up. he can actually taste the bile in the back of his throat when he hears the small, pained whimper that escapes wilbur.

the click of a lighter is what brings his attention back to snow, having been so focused on wil and the absolute terror shimmering in his usually bright eyes that he didn't even notice the other man taking out a cigarette and putting it between his lips.

"i hope you know that this is only the beginning." he announces smugly as his hand wanders down to wilbur's shoulder, an icy claw forming on the way and ripping wilbur's suit.

dream knows what's coming before it happens. and still, he can't look away when snow presses the burning cigarette against the soft skin of wilbur's collarbone.

his body twitches before a scream is torn from him, full of hurt and agony. it's followed by a sob, wilbur's eyes squeezed shut while a single tear rolls down his cheek, mixing with the blood dripping from his temple.

it's then that the broadcast cuts off.

dream sinks to his knees and finally allows his own tears to fall.

-

he hasn't slept in three days. that's how long wilbur has been missing.

in that time, five more recordings of him have been aired, either through another hack or sent to new york's news stations.

dream has watched every single one of them.

has seen snow choke wilbur into unconsciousness, has seen him ram a knife into wilbur's thigh repeatedly, has seen him chain wilbur to a wall and send down heavy kicks on wilbur's bruised, bloodied, battered body.

has seen how he places cigarette after cigarette on the wound on wilbur's collarbone.

it's sickening. dream, who's used to violence, doesn't want to know what the innocent people who accidentally catch the videos on the news or the internet feel.

he himself has no idea what's the worst thing: the way wil's screams and sobs and whimpers constantly echo in his head. the fact that he can't figure out where his boyfriend is held captive. the immense guilt crushing him, because fuck, all of this wouldn't have happened if he'd just paid attention to the news that day, if he'd just gotten home earlier, if he'd just been there.

he's excused himself from work after trying and failing to get there two days prior, the videos of wilbur playing on every tv and every billboard, not allowing him to concentrate on anything else.

he's been ignoring his phone ever since.

dream knows that it's a decision that's probably going to come back to haunt him later, but at the moment, he can't really get himself to care.

he spends his days staring at either his computer or tv screen, looking for a sign, a clue to tell him where wilbur is.

there's nothing. none. not a single one.

after five days and two more videos, one of which included wilbur lying on the floor and begging snow to "please, stop. please." in a broken voice, dream is close to crumbling under the weight of it all.

that feeling isn't improved by the knock on his apartment door.

dream doesn't pay it any mind, but whoever's on the other side is persistent, and after the fourth knock, dream finally pushes himself up to find out who's there.

it's his friends. he honestly should've expected this. and still, it comes as a surprise, seeing sapnap, tommy, karl, and george all lined up in the hallway. their eyes go wide when they land on dream's tired, unwashed body.

of course, tommy is the first to recover, since he's the only one who has an idea of why dream looks the way he does.

"i think you should tell them." he simply says before marching right past dream and into his apartment.

the other three follow when dream steps aside, and then, they're all gathered in the living room, the tv still playing one of the videos while dream's laptop is paused on another one, empty coffee cups and stacks of paper covering every available surface.

"what the fuck?" sapnap whispers, and as if the words triggered something, the four of them are turning to him.

dream's gaze wanders over them, noting the worry in sapnap's eyes, the resolve in tommy's, the care in karl and george's.

with a heavy sigh, he starts talking.

"i'm spiderman. the first one, i guess. the guy on the news, in all the videos... that's wil. wilbur. he's the other one. and also my boyfriend."

it's silent for a long moment, dream's heart going absolutely crazy while waiting for a reaction from his friends.

then, karl barrels into him, arms around his waist and head tucked into his shoulder. he's small and warm and dream didn't even realize how much he needed this until he got it.

letting out the breath he was holding, he sinks into the embrace.

over karl's shoulder, he can see george's relief while sapnap's face takes on the same determined expression as tommy's.

"we're gonna help you. i promise that we're going to get him back." he says when dream meets his gaze.

and for the first time since he saw that dreadful introduction video, dream feels hope bloom in his chest.

[oneeyedsnoot]

I pressed send.

My heartbeat was in my throat. She'd been complimenting me on my looks and making so many sexual jokes but that doesn't actually mean she wants to actually see my tiddies ... Does she?

Oh well. We can write it off as a blunder if it goes bad...

Oh god.

*ding!*

My face flooded with horror and embarrassment as I opened my phone.

"🫣🫢✋🏻😩"

I felt a rush of adrenaline and dopamine that ended in a wince of regret. She's just being a girls girl. Supportive. A gal complimenting a bra in the girls locker room. She has a boyfriend and even tho she says she's bi, she's not into me.

"teehee! Thanks girlie 😘 you finally get to see my tits! Were they everything you hoped they would be? Lol"

I made a mistake. She can't know how hard this is to share for me; a demi sexual virgin who has never been this vulnerable with anyone - nor wanted to with anyone else. How can she know? She's been on one night stands, clearly the sacredness of my naked body doesn't translate as monumental to her.

"yur so hot omg 🥵🥵🥵 I want to kiss you on the mouth! 😝🤭"

I couldnt tell. I just couldnt tell if this was still a joke. My heart thundered and I wanted to cry.

"I'd kiss you back 🤭

Want another photo? 👀" I asked.

Maybe I was finally ready to push her to the limit and see how far she'd go. I couldn't keep worrying about her cheating on her boyfriend with me, that was her decision and not mine. What if they decided that I was welcome as a third (not that Id want to sleep with her man: gross) or that he gave her permission to try out being lesbian with me? My brain went around in circles and circles about the ramifications about my feelings.

"YES 🥵"

Goosebumps raised on my arms.

Okay

She wants more.

Picked through more selfies and dropped two more. Again I felt violently exposed but with it a light headedness, a rush of excitement.

"MOTHER 🙏🏻" she said

....

I struggled to regulate my breathing.

"ok WBU 👀😝🫣" I texted back.

I hid my phone under my pillow and screamed into the plush fabrics. I didnt think I could be trusted not to jack off on the images she might send me. Was I a horrible and perverted friend? Was she touching herself to images of me or was she watching a movie with her boyfriend and hyping me up as a friend as I sent her filthy nudes as a bit.

"👉🏻👈🏻 okee!"

(image)

My eyes about popped out of their sockets. Her smooth perfect chest was uninterrupted by clothing. Her perky small breasts down to her flat smooth stomach that tucked into the most perfect hips. She wore nothing but some beige panties. My finger on the screen holding the image open started to sweat. Do I screenshot and have Instagram alert her I did so or let it go and lose it forever? I panicked and made the worst decision: I screenshoted it.

*you took a screenshot* appeared in tiny letters in the center of the message screen.

"omg stop girlie you're so fucking hot ✋🏻😭please don't stop grrruffruffruffbark" I quickly said, wishing the small words would disappear.

She took a moment to respond.

"oh you like that 😼

Horny jail 🫵🏻"

I laughed in surprise. Girl where was your line! How far are you going to let this go?

I couldn't find an emoji for handcuffs or shackles or even jail so I settled for three police cars and captioned:

"if finding you hot is a crime"

And before my anxiety could make me exit into the next life from embarrassment -

"(image)"

She was grabbing one of her tits seductively and looking up into the camera. I screenshoted again, feeling like I was granted permission. I was so scared and so so wet.

"omg girlie I'm wet 🥵" I had to remind myself that she was an adult and could tell me to stop or simply stop responding or change conversation. I wasn't coercing her into anything. I repeated that sentence a few times trying to stifle my OCD.

"yeah you're wet for me? Aw 🥰 how cute 💕"

Mentally ill brain turned to mush brain and with it came a backbone.

I said "girl you're so hot I want to lick you all over. 👅😋"

"I'd let you 🤭"

I was losing my mind.

"I want to suck those sexy tits holy shit✋🏻😩

Please stop me. Please tell me to fuck off.

"oh!"

Shit. Not good. She hates me now. Our friendship is over and I just made everything super weird.

"😈🙏🏻 I want to suck on your mommy milkers too 😼"

My eyes went wide. Holy shit holy shit holy shit!

"plEASE 🙏🏻 they're the perfect size for nursing 🤭" I replied

"💯"

[afaimsarrowverse]

250(ish) Favorite Arrowverse Episodes: Part 2: 225-201

Picked from „Arrow“, „Black Lightning“, „Supergirl“, „Legends of Tomorrow“, „The Flash“, „Barwoman“ Season 1+2 and „Superman & Lois“ Season 1+2. I did consider kicking „Superman & Lois“ of this list, but since it pretended to be part of the Arrowverse for its first two seasons I left it on here.

 225. Second Chances (Arrow 5x11)

103, Written by: Speed Weed, Sarah Tarkoff, Directed by: Mark Bunting

 "Yeah. Maybe this team is all about finding second chances."

 224. Hell No, Dolly! (Legends of Tomorow 4x7)

58, Written by: Grainne Godfree, Morgan Faust, Directed by: April Mullen

 "Sara? Is it possible that our fugitive killer is a possessed doll?"

"Horror movie 101."

 223. Exodus (Supergirl 2x15)

35, Written by: Paula Yoo, Eric Carrasco, Directed by: Michael Allowitz

 "'A halb emes iz a gants lign', as my grandmother from the shtetl would say: A half-truth is a whole lie."

 222. Streets of Fire (Arrow 2x22)

45, Written by: Jake Coburn, Ben Sokolowski, Directed by: Nick Copus

 "You honor the dead by fighting and you're not done fighting! Malcolm Merlyn, The Count, the Clock King, the Triad... everyone who was trying to hurt this city, you stopped them. And you will stop Slade."

 221. The Trap (The Flash 1x20)

20, Written by: Alison Schapker, Brooke Elkmeier, Directed by: Steve Shill

 "You look so young. And I could kill you right now so easy. What I wouldn't have given? All those times before to have had you like this. So helpless. But fate, it's tricky, isn't it? I come here to destroy you. And then to get home, I have to be the one who creates you. But I will say, it's been an education. Watching you grow up all these years. Science fairs and soccer games. No hint, no sign, no trace of the man you will be one day for whom I have nothing but hate. And to be clear, nothing is forgiven. There will be a reckoning. I promise you, Barry Allen, that you will die."

 220. There Will be Blood (The Flash 6x4)

118, Written by: Lauren Certo, Sterling Gates, Directed by: Marcus Stokes

 "Everyone dies, Ramsey. Maybe the only thing that makes it bearable is to find some meaning in it."

"Well, that means I'm making the greatest sacrifice of all. Don't you see? What I'm becoming, this is the cure. I am the answer, Flash, to the greatest mystery of all. Life eternal."

 219. Leap of Faith (Arrow 8x3)

163, Written by: Emilio Ortega Aldrich, Elizabeth Kim, Directed by: Katie Cassidy

 "You know, I've been thinking a lot about mom and dad lately, wondering what they would think about the lives we've chosen. All the mistakes they made, all the lies they told in their own very, very messed up way. They thought they were protecting us."

"They weren't. They didn't." "No, but it did help us become the people we are today. They turned us into heroes."

 218. Tender is the Nate (Legends of Tomorrow 4x6)

57, Written by: Phil Klemmer, Matthew Maala, Directed by: Dean Choe

 "When I first stepped on to this ship, I was, you know, trying to get away from all my baggage back home, and I can't believe I'm gonna say this.... Hemingway once wrote 'Can't get away from yourself by moving from one place to another.' And thanks to you guys, I don't have to run anymore."

 217. Through the Looking Glass (Batwoman 1x16)

16, Written by: Nancy Kiu, Directed by: Sudz Sutherland

 "When I was under the influence of Fear Toxin, out of all the horrible things I experienced, worst was being left behind by you."

 216. Homecoming (Supergirl 2x14)

34, Written by: Caitlin Parrish, Derek Simon, Directed by: Larry Teng

 "I'm not being paranoid here, I'm not. When's the last time we were this lucky? Lucky enough that Cadmus was moving their most valuable prisoner, a guy that the D.E.O. has been unable to find for 15 years, and he just lands in our lap?"

 215. City of Blood (Arrow 2x21)

44, Written by: Holly Harold, Directed by: Michael Schultz

 "I don't know anything about hoods and masks or...human weapons...or any of this...but I know you. I know you like I know my own name. And I realize it may sound crazy in the light of your secret but I know you in your bones, Oliver. That person doesn't give up. That person...he ALWAYS finds a way."

 214. Grodd Lives (The Flash 1x21)

21, Written by: Grainne Godfree, Kai Yu Wu, Directed by: Dermott Downs

 "Maybe the accelerator explosion created a meta-gorilla."

 213. The Justice Society of America (Legends of Tomorrow 2x2)

18, Written by: Chris Fedak, Sarah Nicole Jones, Directed by: Michael Grossman

 "Well, I gotta admit, watching your team work like a well-oiled machine kinda makes me feel like I'm doing this whole hero thing all wrong."

 212. What We Leave Behind (Arrow 5x9)

101, Written by: Wendy Mercile, Beth Schwartz, Directed by: Antionio Negret

 "There's two types of every legacy, two versions of what we leave behind. There's the good and then the bad. You just really have a lousy habit of focusing only on the bad."

 211. Haywire (Superman & Lois 1x4)

4, Written by: Michael Narducci, Directed by: James Bamford

 "I've had a lot of time to think about you, obsessively tracking your patterns. I noticed you haven't been around Metropolis quite as much. But that's how I knew that the, um, big shots would move me to a more secure prison. It seems like you're obligated elsewhere. That makes you distracted. Vulnerable. A weakling."

 210. Dancing Queen (Legends of Tomorrow 4x3)

54, Written by: James Eagan, Morgan Faust, Directed by: Kristin Windell

 "My best friend Nate, he, uh, has a desk job. And Amaya... well, she's gone. I actually really miss her. She was kind of our moral compass. Helped us do the right thing when it wasn't always easy to do the right thing."

"I never knew disco could get so barmy."

 209. The Martian Chronicles (Supergirl 2x11)

31, Written by: Gabrial Llanas, Anna Musky-Goldwyn, Directed by: David McWhirter

 "This is for every Green you ever killed." "In that skin, you look like a monster." "We're the monsters, Armek. This skin is beautiful."

 208. Seeing Red (Arrow 2x20)

43, Written by: Wendy Mercile, Directed by: Doug Aaroniokoski

 "Oliver, I know. I know. I've known... since last year, I suppose. The night of The Undertaking, everything became so clear. It was pretty much the night I stopped sleeping."

"Before you say anything else..." "There's nothing else to say. Nothing I need to say. Except I could not be more proud."

 207. Rogue Air (The Flash 1x22)

22, Written by: Todd and Aaron Helbing, Directed by: Doug Aarniokoski

 "You can't stop me, Flash, and you never will."

 206. Out of Time (Legends of Tomorrow 2x1)

17, Written by: Greg Berlanti, Chris Fedak, Phil Klemmer, Marc Guggenheim, Directed by: Dermott Downs

 "As flawed and unruly as you are individually, together you are the best crew, the best team a captain could ever hope for. So... stick together. And remember: history is yours now, my dear Legends. Good luck!"

 205. Call to Action (Supergirl 4x6)

71, Written by: Gabriel Llanas, Daniel Beaty, Directed by: Antonio Negret

 "Well, we did stop the Children of Liberty from hurting innocent aliens. But Agent Liberty is still out there. And the rhetoric of hate is growing. Just haven't figured out how to win this fight yet. With so many people siding with fear, how far will this go?"

 204. The Darkest Place (Supergirl 2x7)

27, Written by: Robert Rovner, Paula Yoo, Directed by: Glen Winter

 "I've heard that before. Years ago, Superman came to my son, Lex, and promised him the world. A new dawn for mankind. Lex believed him, poor thing. And then he watched as your kinsman infected this country with his propaganda, as his power became unchecked. And when Lex tried to take that power back, Superman convinced the world Lex was evil. My darling boy. My genius son. An actual superman, behind bars for life. Because you and your kind will stop at nothing to poison Earth."

 203. Birds of Prey (Arrow 2x17)

40, Written by: Mark Bemesderfer, A. C. Bradley, Directed by: John Behring

 „No. He died. And I couldn't deal with it. So I became a drunk. Every problem I had, I solved with a pill or a drink. My friends and my family, they tried to help me, but I wouldn't let them. You don't have to do this, Helena. It's not too late." "Yes, I do. Because once you let the darkness inside, it never comes out."

 202. Crazy for you (The Flash 1x12)

12, Written by: Todd and Aaron Helbing, Directed by: Rob Hardy

 "Not too many men can keep up with me."

 201. Abnominations (Legends of Tomorow 2x4)

20, Written by: Marc Guggenheim, Ray Utarnachitt, Directed by: Michael Allowitz

 "No! Please, don't say it. I know they're essentially a myth, but I have this irrational fear of..." "Zombies." "Please, don't say it."

[storiesconsumemysoul]

In all honestly Arnheid is also the one my heart goes to the most through this whole mess. All of the themes of her story and tragedy of it all hits really hard for me too so on that we are very much so on the same page. ^_^

“He is not responsible for how slavers and their violent enforcers responded to that act of desperate selflessness.” Excuse me, but this is completely absurd to me. The story exists within a context. And though the goal is to critique that system, that does not mean basic logic does not apply here.

Oof. Okay. Yeah I'm gonna take the L on this one because I worded my point extremely hilariously poorly. Let me try that again. The point I'm trying to make is that the context of the system is too often discarded when discussing Gardar. The focus is on individual actions and choices where he, and mostly only he, is concerned with no engagement with the systemic context of his actions. For example, not factoring in the fact the he is being actively hunted down for at best re-enslavement and at worst execution. Why is that context not considered in how it informs and shapes his actions? My point is that we are actually ascribing far more agency to him as a slave than he actually has.

And agency is of course one of the central themes of Arnheid's storyline. I love everything you said where she is concerned and critiquing the systems from the particular position of a woman whose life is shaped by the choices of men in a deeply patriarchal society is so on point. But the power and agency that those men have within that patriarchal system is also contextual because it doesn't exist independent of the other systems of domination. Again, there is an ocean of difference between Gardar the excited for war buffoon and Gardar the slave. And I want to hone in on two particular sections of your post because they illustrate where the core of our disagreement lies.

Even in the deepest of mental breakdowns, what compelled him to think that he could just take his wife and leave without at least having to shed more blood and thus putting her in danger? Whether Ketil had been exploiting her another way or not is completely irrelevant here, because even if he hadn’t been, she was still a slave who needed to be freed (bought again), and would’ve been punished for trying to run away.

I think he was perfectly committed to shedding more blood to gain her freedom, while he still had enough of his depleting strength and ability to do so, because he had no means of achieving it any other way. Same as it was the only way he could achieve his own freedom. And that violence putting her in danger ignores the fact that she is already in danger. Slavery is the ultimate violence. It is the ultimate danger. Risking bloodshed, as the only means available to a slave, to seek freedom is not irrational or irresponsible. Of course, ideally she would have been afforded the input and agency to work out with him the best way to get her out of her current predicament while he laid low and recovered in preparation for a better planned out attempt. But we are shown all the reasons why he didn't. We know that he had no means to buy her, buy himself more time and resources to come to her aid better prepared and armed, we know he is not making any of these choices with a sound mind, and we know he is being actively hunted down to be put through even more horrors, and yet he is judged as though none of these factors shape his actions. He is judged as though he is a free agent, with time and resources to make better choices, with a sound mind and an uninjured body who just made horrible decisions that hurt Arnheid because he couldn't be bothered to be considerate. He is judged as though the option to lay low somewhere, establish communication with her, and work out a plan to save her with her input and on her terms was available to him and he just didn't take it. Instead of being judged as the actions of a man who is grievously wounded (physically and otherwise), actively being hunted down, with no possessions or resources to help himself or Arnheid other than his depleting strength.

I’m not sure what Gardar could’ve otherwise done or if he even had the possibility of doing things another way, given the context, but his justified rage and hatred and indignation were his greatest motivators, not love and yearning and care. And the way things stood, everything he did was not in the best interest of Arnheid and only turned her life upside down, later on resulting in her death.

In terms of motivations we just flat out disagree and that is okay. That is a matter of interpretation. As for our views on selfishness as a moral failing, I still don't see this as ultimately selfish but I want to dig a little more into the topic. And again, I didn't communicate my point on this topic all that well so let me try again. If someone causes another harm we expect three things from them, right? A sincere apology that acknowledges the harm done, taking responsibility for one's actions and the harm they caused, and repairing that harm to the extent that is possible even while acknowledging that the harm and its effects cannot be fully repaired. So, if say a loved one were indirectly responsible for breaking my leg, and they spend every penny they have to pay for my medical bills, risking homelessness or more harm to themselves in the pursuit of repairing the harm done to their loved one ... I just can't see that as selfishness. Even when of course, they still gain something from doing this. Gardar is attempting to repair harm caused by previous selfishness. He is risking untold horror in the name of that goal while in a position that doesn't allow him the freedom to approach that attempt in a better way and a shrinking window of opportunity to act. The selfish thing to do would've been to walk away with his own life.

But let's say I agreed with your assessment of him for a moment. Let's say we agreed that he's selfish. Why does that preclude him from empathy? Why is it that we can have ample empathy for those who've done far worse than he ever did, with sound clear minds, with worse intentions, with far more agency and will ... but a slave who fumbled a "selfish" rescue attempt of an enslaved loved one is unworthy of empathy? Is selfish really the most abhorrent moral failing we can find in this cast? I don't get why an audience that has infinite grace, nuance, and humanity for the other cast of characters in an arc focused on systems of dominations and those who uphold them like said cast ... can't seem to spare any for someone who played a minor role and got brutalized and crushed to death for it. Yeah, I still genuinely don't get it.

I know I probably shouldn't be ... but I am still so bewildered by the utter lack of empathy for Gardar from most of the fanbase. Until maybe his dying moments. Like ... the number of people who talk about him as though he was the one forcing Snake's hand with violence is wild to me. Like y'all really just don't see what Snake's actual role is huh. His literal job people. Each time I see one of these posts it's like I just walked into the twilight zone.

[deripmaver]

laurent is a good person - book 1 meta

one of the most amazing things about captive prince is how the reveals in book 3 recontextualize all of the scenes leading up to them, including about laurent himself. in book one, all we see is damen pov as he’s being abused and humiliated by this supposedly spoiled, vile ice prince. when the regent comes to damen and subtly (and not so subtly) insults laurent, calling him unfit to rule - well, why would he think anything different? laurent has insulted him, had him whipped within an inch of his life, and even attempted to (and later successfully lmfao) have him raped while drugged out of his mind. 

after book 3 we can reread most if not all of book 1 as a very traumatized boy who has finally been confronted with the man who killed his brother, leaving him alone with his abusive uncle, and who he clearly has made into a complete monster in his own mind. damen of course sees him as a complete bitch, but there’s textual/subtextual evidence that laurent is well liked, and that his behavior during book 1 was actually pretty out of character for him. i’d like to provide some examples of that now!!!!

“Laurent had stopped dead the moment he had seen Damen, his face turning white as though in reaction to a slap, or an insult. Damen’s view, half-truncated by the short chain at this neck, had been enough to see that. But Laurent’s expression had shuttered quickly.” Captive Prince, Chapter One

i couldn’t resist adding this one in hehe. laurent recognizes damen!! he’s come down, knowing his uncle has devised another truly horrendous and triggering “gift” and that he’ll lose support if he calls it our for what it truly is, only to find out that it’s fucking damianos of akielos sent to him as a sex slave. a jab at laurent’s trauma about auguste and also a jab at laurent’s frigid sexuality - which ofc is completely the regent’s fault. fuck that guy so much lmfao 

“‘It’s so rare to see you at these entertainments, Your Highness,’ said Vannes.” Captive Prince, Chapter Two.

this is right before the fight between govart and damen in the ring, of course. damen sees laurent as depraved and vile as the sexual sadism on display by the veretian court, and considers him to be a willing purveyor of it. this is wrong, of course, as said by vannes here. laurent has only shown up because he wants to humiliate damen lmfao.

“He did remember being supported by two of the guards, here, in this room, while Radel stared athis back in horror. ‘The Prince really . . . did this.’ ‘Who else?’ Damen said. Radel had stepped forward, and slapped Damen across the face; it was a hard slap, and the man wore three rings on each finger. ‘What did you do to him?’ Radel demanded.” Captive Prince, Chapter Four

this scene, to me, was the most telling lmfao. it’s right after damen is whipped. you could argue that radel is just a servant in the employ of the royal household, so is of course going to be loyal to the prince, but he seems genuinely surprised of the prince’s cruelty towards damen. not only that, but he slaps him and immediately assumes damen must have done something. which - i mean, technically he did lmao. not necessarily enough to deserve having the skin flayed from his back, but you know. if laurent was in the habit of torturing pets and slaves, why would the overseer react this way?

“The men guarding him were the Prince’s Guard, and had no affiliation with the Regent whatsoever. It surprised Damen how loyal they were to their Prince, and how diligent in his service, airing none of the grudges and complaints that he might have expected, considering Laurent’s noxious personality. Laurent’s feud with his uncle they took up wholeheartedly; there were deep schisms and rivalries between the Prince’s Guard and the Regent’s Guard, apparently.” Captive Prince, Chapter Four

laurents relationships with his guards are also some of the biggest indicators that he isn’t just a spoiled brat, but can insire a deep loyalty in his men. even if they do all want to fuck him. ah, sexual harassment. it’s also hilarious that damen immediately assumes they’re loyal to him because they want to fuck him - nice projection there, dude. we know a bit more about laurent and his guards thanks to green but for a season, but this little bit here is interesting.

“Laurent was indeed good at talking. He accepted sympathy gracefully. He put his position rationally. He stopped the flow of talk when it became dangerously critical of his uncle. He said nothing that could be taken as an open slight on the Regency. Yet no one who talked to him could have any doubt that his uncle was behaving at best misguidedly and at worst treasonously.”  Captive Prince, Chapter Five

idek what to say here. laurent my beloved <3333

“‘When someone doesn’t like you very much, it isn’t a good idea to let them know that you care about something,’ said Laurent. Damen felt himself turn ashen, as the threat sank in. ‘Would it hurt worse than a lashing for me to cut down someone you care for?’ said Laurent.” Captive Prince, Chapter Seven

this isn’t really relevant to my thesis lmfao i just love this exchange bc it gives SO MUCH information about laurent and his uncle in just three lines of dialogue. what has the regent done, who did he cut down just to hurt laurent? when and how did laurent learn that? p a i n 

“Laurent’s fussy horse began acting out again, and he leaned forward in the saddle, murmuring something as he stroked her neck in an uncharacteristically gentle gesture to quiet her.” Captive Prince, Chapter Nine. 

HORSEY NO- lmfao this scene just hurts so badly on the reread. especially later on, in book 3 i think, where laurent says something like “i provoked my uncle.” he’s really blaming himself for his uncle KILLING HIS HORSE, his horse that his murdered brother trained, one of the only living connections to auguste... all because his uncle could not let a single miniscule plan laurent had set go through without some kind of repercussion. literally all laurent did was do something to stop an innocent group of people from being abused, nothing to undermine his uncle’s rule, but because the regent is VILE he could not let laurent have even this. he’s so good with her, too. he must have known by this point and also known that there was no way to stop this. P A I N

“‘I know that you have somehow arranged this,’ said Erasmus. He was incapable of hiding what he felt, and just seemed to radiate embarrassed happiness. ‘You kept your promise. You and your master. I told you he was kind,’ Erasmus said. ‘You did,’ said Damen. He was pleased to see Erasmus happy. Whatever Erasmus believed about Laurent, Damen wasn’t going to dissuade him. ‘He’s even nicer in person. Did you know he came and talked to me?’ said Erasmus. ‘—He did?’ said Damen. It was something he couldn’t imagine. ‘He asked about . . . what happened in the gardens. Then he warned me. About last night.’ ‘He warned you,’ said Damen. ‘He said that Nicaise would make me perform before the court and it would be awful, but that if I was brave, something good might come at the end of it.’ Erasmus looked up at Damen curiously. ‘Why do you look surprised?’ ‘I don’t know. I shouldn’t be. He likes to plan things in advance,’ said Damen.” Captive Prince, Chapter 9.

this is the first in-text confirmation we have that laurent has a good heart beneath his layers and layers of trauma-induced lashing out. book one often skeeves people out because of its graphic and, honestly, yes, kind of sexualized depiction of rape, slavery, and depravity, but beneath it all you meet these two protagonists who are going to have all of their most deeply held views about each other challenged. laurent from very early on is shaken to his core when damen refuses to rape nicaise in the ring - it cracks the very foundations of the person he’d built up in his head as this horrible monster who killed his brother in cold blood. and damen keeps defying laurents expectations by being a good person through and through. on the other hand, laurent spends the first part of the book taking out years of anger on damen, but here for the first time we see him do something just because its the kind thing to do. yes, torveld is an ally against his uncle, but laurent has clearly been scheming with him for a while now, and he’s now overlooking his hatred of damen and working with him just because none of the slaves deserve whats happened to them. it’s such a sweet moment.

“One of the other men, eyeing them, approached a moment later. ‘Don’t mind Jean. He’s in a foul mood. He was the one had to stick a sword through the mare’s throat and put her down. The Prince tore strips off him for not doing it fast enough.’” Captive Prince, Chapter Nine.

HORSEY NO- pt 2. this is just another really sweet and sad detail - laurent being so upset that the horse’s death could have been more painless. it must have hurt so much to see her in pain, and to know that the only way for that pain to end was being put down as quickly as possible. i wuv him. im sad

that’s it, though there are still a few more chapters left in the book. this isn’t providing any new information, of course, the path of the three books is to show that laurent isnt the man we meet in book one, that he’s actually sweet, and earnest, and he’s been fighting his own battle practically alone against his abuser since he was fifteen years old. also, the reveal that laurent knew who damianos was from the start makes it clear imo that all of his violence in book 1 was supposed vengence, not... him being evil. he apologizes explicitly in-text, and also, all of the acts of violence he commits cause serious problems for him in terms of his future alliance which he then needs to fix. i just love how layered these books are, how there’s so much information in them that makes rereading almost more fun than reading them for the very first time!

[phoenixyfriend]

Jangobi 5 for the soulmate thing? Because that would make the fight on kamino just *chef's kiss*

soulmate au prompts

5. the one where you don’t know your soulmate until you touch them.

Apparently there’s never any skin to skin contact in the movie? Because armor? So......... we’re gonna just. Quick little thing.

Also I’ve been doing a lot of “marginally less shitty” Jango, but this is just-as-shitty-as-canon Jango. It’s, uh, not much of a romance, because Kamino. Actually it’s mostly just a lot of angry yelling about human rights violations.

...I’m sure they’ll get together eventually. It’s just, you know... it’s going to take a while.

------

Jango’s heard about this Jedi.

The man isn’t famous, or particularly acclaimed. It’s just that Mandalorians gossip, and Death Watch isn’t exempt, and Dred Priest still has friends in the terrorist group. So do a few others.

(Jango sometimes wonders if he’d have invited Priest, had he knows the monster was only a step away from being Death Watch himself.)

(Probably not.)

(He’d at least have been able to see the battle circles coming.)

Death Watch hates one specific Jedi above all others: Obi-Wan Kenobi.

It’s almost enough to make a man like the pretty bastard, except the reason Death Watch hates this specific Jedi is because he kept Duchess Kryze alive, and Jango isn’t much of a fan of hers, either.

In the moment, though, the main thing this all means is that Obi-Wan Kenobi knows Mandalorian customs.

First meetings, out of armor, mean ensuring the arm clasp has skin contact.

His eyes flick down to where Jango is reflexively pulling up his sleeves, and the man just... does the same, sodden as the beige-on-brown-on-dark-brown robes are.

Jango can’t just play it off. He has to, ugh, arm clasp with a Jedi.

Kenobi probably guesses how unpleasant this is for him, going by the grim little smile that he wears, the one Taun We can’t read and Jango can, but they touch forearms and le--

They do not let go.

“Oh kriff,” Kenobi swears, and then it’s just... it’s too late. It’s too late to stop anything.

“Jetii,” Jango spits as if it’s a swear.

He doesn’t want to be soulmates with a Jedi. No sane person ever wants to be soulmates with a Jedi, but as a Mandalorian, and as specifically Jango Fett, who signed onto this project for revenge against Jedi, the idea is just... excruciating.

“For revenge? Not entirely unexpected, but I’m still somehow disappointed.”

“Stay out of my head.”

Kenobi smiles at him, completely devoid of anything but the blackest of humor. “Are you staying out of mine?”

And, well, no. They’re soulmates. Kenobi has more of an idea on how to control how far his mind wanders into Jango’s, but in this moment, just seconds after being bound together by the universe... Jango’s slamming into Kenobi’s shields with an embarrassing lack of control.

“Is something the matter?” Taun We asks.

“I do believe we need to speak alone,” Kenobi says. “Unfortunate timing, but this is our first meeting, and it appears we are soulmates.”

“Ah. We were informed of the human tendency towards such.” She blinks, too large eyes impossible to read for Kenobi, but entirely readable for Jango after all these years. She’s irritated. “I apologize, but it appears we were unable to remove such unpredictability from the product.”

A wave of revulsion leaks out of Kenobi’s mind and into Jango’s. The man just nods. “I understand. As it is, I imagine that the near instantaneous communication on the battlefield will be a boon, if any are bonded to each other or to active soldiers.”

“I defer to your judgement as client, Master Kenobi,” Taun We hums, still irritable. It’s less visible in her face, but... Kenobi can feel it. “I shall leave you to get... acquainted.”

Aaaaaaaand she’s expecting them to sleep together the second she turns her back. The disgust she feels at the thought of such carnal activities is thirdhand to Jango, but he can still feel it, because Kenobi can feel it, because they’re soulmates.

“Oh, do tell me how you really feel,” Kenobi mutters, sweeping past him into the apartment.

Jango wishes he could slam the door as he storms after the Jedi.

“Listen here--”

“Absolutely not,” Kenobi says, with the kind of bland, impersonal smile that Jango’s heard Dred Priest bitch about at least a dozen times. “I need you to answer me this: why are you selling your children into what is clearly slavery?”

“They’re not my children.”

“You choose to be dar’buir, then?” Kenobi clucks a tongue, acting like he can’t even feel Jango’s waves of hate that are just growing by the second. “Shame on you, Mand’alor.”

“I am not the Mand’alor.”

“No. You are demagolka,” Kenobi says, the sweet words of Jango’s first language falling from his lips like poisoned honey. “They are your children, Fett. Your clones, just as human as you.”

“They are little more than droids, Jedi. The Kaminoans--”

Kenobi laughs, sharp and bitter, and it’s enough of a surprise that Jango stops talking. The Jedi strides closer, and it takes everything in him to not step back at what little emotion the Jedi allows through.

“Let me show you,” Kenobi hisses, putting a hand on either side of Jango’s head and it’s too much this is not a sense he is meant to have.

Kenobi cannot lie to Jango, not in this mental space. Not in this existence. He can cherry-pick what he shows, he can exaggerate, he can hide, but he cannot present a falsehood.

What Kenobi shows him, as he pulls Jango into his mind and drowns him in the sensation of the Force, is how each and every clone shines, bright and unique and so very human, so very sentient, so very alive.

These are your children, Kenobi says, directly into his mind and with no room to pull away. If they choose to disown you for your crimes against them, then that is their right, but until they do, they are your responsibility. You’re playing in denial and cognitive dissonance, soulmate mine. If I have to drag you into caring for your children the way any Mandalorian would, then so be it.

“Kriff off,” Jango manages to grit out in the real world. Kenobi looks unimpressed, when he lets go. The sensations in Jango’s mind, the jangled distaste and horror and anger, those are worse.

“Are you going to be dar’manda?” Kenobi demands. “You, who were once king of your people, have you really sunk so low to be the worst of your kind? To be so horrible that even Kyr’tsad would be shamed? Or worse, approve?”

“You have no place--”

“You are violating one of the core tenets of your culture!” Kenobi shouts. “You are being the worst of what you could be, Jango Fett! The most important, the absolute most important element of your culture, the care and nurture of children, and look at what you’ve done--”

“The clones--”

“Your sons!” Kenobi growls at him. “Your children, Fett. I’ve a student that is, by every Mandalorian standard, my son. I know what it is to take in a child that is not yours by blood, to raise a foundling, and you are cutting off millions that are your blood. You aren’t turning away an orphan to another family because you cannot care for them as they deserve, you are breeding your children for war like bantha to slaughter.”

Jango throws the first punch.

Kenobi throws the second.

By the time the fight ends, the room is in ruins, for all that they do not draw blasters or sabers. Kenobi has Jango on his back, straddling his chest with knees on his wrists, a vibroblade to his neck. Kenobi’s lip is bleeding, and Jango thinks he might have caused a hairline fracture in the cheekbone. Both of them have at least one broken rib, and Jango’s currently blind in one eye from the blood pouring out of a cut on his forehead.

Kenobi’s a good fighter. If it weren’t for everything else, Jango might have even been able to appreciate that.

“You,” Kenobi growls, fisting one hand into Jango’s curls and yanking for emphasis, earning himself a snarl in return. “Are going to fix this mess you’ve helped create. If I have to drag the entire Jedi council, the entire senate, if I have to drag in all of Mandalore to make you fix this, I will.”

There’s determination in those words, angry and a little spiteful, but mostly just... disappointed.

“Of course I’m disappointed,” Kenobi spits out, like the words are hot coals. He’s expressive. Jango wants to like it, but mostly he just resents the trait. “I hoped to never find a soulmate; it just complicates things. Opsec becomes a nightmare and holding to the code is difficult. And now I have a soulmate, and he’s an absolute monster that views his own children as little more than droids.”

“War is going to come for them no matter what,” Jango manages to say, and Kenobi’s look is back to unimpressed. “Don’t pretend you haven’t heard of the separatists. There’s an army of actual droids, metal and code, just waiting for the right moment to pick a fight. It’s too late to stop it.”

“...you’re not only raising an army of your own children, but engineering the war that’s going to kill them?” Kenobi almost screeches, and the wave of nauseous loathing that slams into Jango is almost enough to make him actually vomit. Kenobi didn’t pull punches, not in the actual fight and not in whatever mental battle they’re apparently having via emotions and words.

“I’m not engineering it,” Jango says. “I’m just one part in a bigger machine. I got my payment. The rest is on Tyranus.”

He doesn’t even stop the images from flickering through his mind, throwing the man who hired him under the speeder.

“Master Dooku?” Kenobi whispers, horror growing. “No, no, I killed the--the Sith can’t--I killed the one on Naboo, and the Council mentioned the Rule of Two, but... oh hells.”

“You know him?” Jango taunts.

“He’s my grandmaster,” Kenobi says, and Jango can’t imagine the rest is meant to reach him, but the undercurrent is there.

Count Dooku is, by Mandalorian law, Kenobi’s grandfather.

Jango... suddenly feels a little regret about the taunting.

“I’d rather you feel regret about your children,” Kenobi snaps at him. “Every single one of them is a person, one that you chose to bring into this world, and they are your children.”

The argument is going in circles, but there are still places to take this.

“Your army is all adults, Kenobi,” Jango decides.

“They are ten years old,” Kenobi retorts. “Accelerated aging, sure, but they are children.”

“They’re soldiers.”

Disgust again, the same thing Kenobi has felt every time Jango has reasserted the purpose these children were born to, the same thing Jango has told his son, his sergeants, himself, for over a decade.

“A son?” Kenobi whispers. “Is your denial that strong, Fett? That you would claim one and not the rest?”

“Payment,” Jango says, and lets Kenobi feel the rest, since he seems so karking keen on it.

“Keeping one child in exchange for letting yourself be the creator of a slave army,” Kenobi says, and he doesn’t seem impressed. “Weren’t you a slave? Two years on a spice ship, wasn’t it?”

“Don’t you dare--”

“And you would put your sons in chains,” Kenobi hisses, hands going for Jango’s head again. It’s a sense memory, this time, of dark tunnels and exploding collars and a dar’jetii that... was his older brother. According to the Jedi way of thinking.

It’s a twisting fear and pain and I will die so that others may live while looking at an older man, a Master, who can maybe save the other slaves at the expense of one too-angry Initiate’s li--

“Get out of my head!” Jango roars, and he still can’t move his arms, and his legs are held down by the Force, but he twists his head to bite and Kenobi snatches his hands away.

Kenobi glares down at him, almost sneering with the amount of disdain he has for Jango’s general existence. “I’m your soulmate, and had we met fifteen years ago, I might have even thought that an alright thing... but whatever you are now isn’t something I can abide by. You won’t listen to morality, so let me say this instead: a Jedi does not kill an unarmed opponent, but I have full authority to arrest you, even here. I will take you back to the Republic, to be tried for your collusion with a Sith, and you will go to prison. You can try to run, but I am in your head, and you’re in mine. Once you’re in prison, what happens to your son?”

The implication is there, but even if it wasn’t, Jango hears the thought:

They’re soulmates. The Republic would place Boba with Kenobi.

He refuses to have his child raised by a holier-than-thou Jedi.

“Holiness doesn’t have any meaning in Jedi philosophy,” Kenobi says, relaxing just the slightest bit. “Other religions, yes, but no place in ours.”

“You’re a self-righteous bastard,” Jango says flatly. “Despite threatening a child.”

“You mean threatening to take custody of a child being raised in an unhealthy environment, one where he’s being taught to devalue his brothers, engendering a mental dissonance where he has to convince himself he’s special for a reason and that you won’t just drop him if he fails to be perfect?” Kenobi asks. “I prefer to keep children with guardians who love them, but the argument that he’s better off away from you isn’t a difficult one.”

“Oh, like a child-stealer--”

“My mother tried to drown me when I was a toddler,” Kenobi says, even flatter than Jango had been a minute earlier. “Because I was Force-Sensitive, and it was considered curse on my home planet. A Jedi saved me. Tell me that was a kidnapping and not being saved.”

Jango grinds his teeth. “You’re damned smug whenever you have some sob story that outranks mine.”

“This isn’t about who has the bigger sob story,” Kenobi says, and Jango can feel how he’s just as ready to start clenching his jaw to deal with Jango’s bullshit. “It’s about you doing your damned job as a Mandalorian and a father, and taking responsibility for your children. All three million of them.”

It really, really is a pity they didn’t meet before Jango took this job. They could have been great together.

As it is, Jango goes for the groin shot the second Kenobi lets him back on his feet.