#my work here is done (have I started writing yet another angsty re-ani fanfic? of course i have)

[sercezgazety]

He thought about writing a letter, it’s not like he didn’t. West was his roommate, after all, and well, maybe he fucked up a lot of times and in so many ways that words can’t even begin to describe it, maybe he got what was coming to him, and Dan’s only regret is that it happened so late. True. But he was still, well. At times, it’s hard to say what he was to Dan, exactly. An abuser, Dan’s lawyer used to claim, at least while the trial lasted. Any sympathy Dan might have felt for that monster was just Stockholm syndrome. Yet another proof that Dan was a good person, capable of so much compassion, and look how West went and twisted it.

He does that. He manipulates people, takes their kindness and uses it for personal gain, the prosecutor said, and everyone was nodding, so it was probably true, Dan assumed back then. Now, he knows that for a fact; yet another sign that he got better.

But it was even more difficult to say what Herbert was to him in these first months that followed the trial. Dan had more important shit to sort out, losing his medical license, having to move to another town because Arkham’s become unlivable, then another county, then a whole different state because everyone here has seen the footage. He had to cut his hair and grow a mustache so that people wouldn’t stare. The mustache sort of turned into a beard. It’s all just as hazy as the trial itself, and that’s probably because Dan spent really little time being sober. So yeah. Not his proudest moments, though come to think about it, there were very few proud ones. Maybe getting kissed by Meg for the first time. That one homerun that let his team win for the first time in a year back when he was fourteen. Graduating from high school perhaps, because graduating from the university sure as hell wasn’t it. There was West by his side by then, he’s even in the one and only picture from that day that Dan has, and he’s scowling at the camera, pale controlling hand clasped over Dan’s shoulder as if holding him in place. Fucking West tainting every little success of Dan’s and making every failure three times worse than it could have been without him; West dragging him, kicking and screaming, wherever West goddamn pleased, and Dan’s pretty sure there indeed was some creepy pleasure involved. Shoving a hand up a living human being’s ass and turning him into a puppet, managing to control him like that for years? Must have been a way to compensate for the absolute lack of control West had over those corpses of his. Maybe Dan looking a bit like one nowadays is just West’s parting gift. That, and losing the license, along the deposit on the house, not to mention all of his friends and self-respect. Everything. Dead fiancée, cat killed, car crashed, panic attacks and a huge scar across Dan’s abdomen. Asshole was pretty generous, wasn’t he.

But Dan manages on his own pretty well, it turns out. Finds a job at a pharmaceutical company, and it’s pretty concerning how little they care about him being a disgraced doctor and all. They say he knows the market. At least now, he’s not losing patients. It pays good money, and what if he can’t look in the mirror without cringing? That’s certainly not something new. When it comes to contributing to someone’s substance abuse, he has experience, and at least this time, the stuff’s not glowing. It’s been tested, and nobody would allow for it to be sold if it were really harmful. He’s amicable, funny, and when he smiles, he still has some of the sway he used to hold over women — the middle-aged ones, at least. With the guys, he can talk about the last game, cars, or barbecue techniques, who gives a crap. Anything. They like him, and he likes the normalcy. He’s not half bad at doing what the management tells him to do, even if at times they complain he lacks initiative. He rents a house, an entire house just to himself, and after a couple years, he probably could afford buying it, but nothing really feels that permanent. There might be something better somewhere else.

His sense of humor changes slightly. He cracks jokes by the water dispenser and everyone at the office laughs most of the time, except for those moments when they fall silent or just chuckle nervously and leave in a hurry. One time, in the men’s room, he says something about dropping the soap, and he can’t stop laughing until everything hurts and there are tears streaming down his cheeks. Everyone just stares, and he can’t catch his breath for so long he ends up choking and almost hurling. Bent over the sink, and yes, he appreciates the irony. It makes him wheeze even harder.

Besides, what would he write, exactly? Sorry it ended this way? He’s not. Why in hell would he be. He is sorry he let West in when he came knocking at his door that night, oh, that’s for sure. Sorry he didn’t listen to Meg and didn’t stop for a second to consider that perhaps West arriving at his porch, having already brought all of his things, was something odd. What the hell was he thinking when agreeing to this? West made the decision about moving in long before consulting Dan, and Dan didn’t find it alarming at all. So yeah, Dan’s sorry, really sorry for all the deaths he contributed to, for the larceny, animal cruelty and corpse desecration, those are things that really haunt him at night. And they should. The stuff West had him do was fucking horrifying.

So no, if he were to write a bloody letter, it wouldn’t be about oh, how sorry he is for how things ended. He’s glad, actually. He’s not going to apologize for the world becoming a slightly safer place without Herbert West in it.

[continue reading about Dan being in complete denial about so many things here]

[the-bloody-sadist]

Can I ask your top 10 fav fics ever (from any fandom, if you don't mind)?

Also, just curious, is there a story behind your name "the bloody sadist"?

YOU FUCKING BET!!!! I love having the opportunity to list my favorites for anything, though I'm also incredibly picky about fanfics, so I don't actually know (until I start scrolling my bookmarks and listing them) if I'll reach a whole 10 favorites!! But I might! (Note: these are in no particular order)

What I Want From You is Sweet by VampireFaun (Heaven Official's Blessing) [And basically every other work that she's written! But some of my other top favorites of hers are The Thing That Was Not His Highness and Beast With Two Backs]: When I can't get a fanfic out of my head, I usually end up drawing an illustration based on it, if I'm bold enough to risk depicting an author's precious words (rare). This is my MOST re-read fic and I won't ever stop. It doesn't help that VampireFaun/Deer is a WONDERFUL PERSON and I love her personality so much. She's an incredible writer!

Tenfold by dgalerab (Bungou Stray Dogs) : Baby's first fic! This was one of the writings that immediately roped me into the fanfic world. When I first was into it, I was under the impression that everyone just went there to write half-assed explorations of sex between characters, and that wasn't so appealing to me. When I discovered that some people can write entire 25-chapter PLOTS with the level of literacy that matches what I hoped to read??? I was hooked. Obviously you can see in this list that I have strong devotion to a handful of fic writers and my favorites are just the top best fics that I return to of their writing. If I find a great writer, I subscribe to them and go on a rampage of consumption through their list of fics, my fandom or not! Please consider doing the same for those authors that I mention like that!! You'll find so much gold. Everything by dgalerab is good in some way, I have almost all of their fics bookmarked. :') My only complaint about this particular story was that HOLY FUCK THE AUTHOR CUT SO MANY SCENES WAY TOO SHORT LMAO. Please let me have a full comfort scene for more than two paragraphs T_T I worked so hard for it. I cried so much. ANYWAY, STILL A HUGE INSPIRATION FOR WHAT I WENT ON TO WRITE!

What You Have Tamed by Parsnipit (Heaven Official's Blessing)

Love is Hard, Life Sucks by gev_ao3 (Bungou Stray Dogs) : A painful inspection of the nuances of domestic abuse. This one rang true to reality so much that I don't think I can re-read it without having a depressive episode. It's not finished, but it's Fyozai, and you know how I feel about that. Also side-plot SKK! I usually can't stand AUs, but this one fits the situations very well. It's the type of fic that only someone who knows a little too much about how abuse works on a victim can write.

Careful Fear and Dead Devotion by intimatopia (Trigun Stampede) : Yet another fic that I couldn't help but draw for! And intimatopia was kind enough to link it in his fic summary T_T - A super angsty sadomasochistic fic about Vash needing pain and Wolfwood needing to give it. If I don't list any other fics by him on here, it's because I'm such a huge enjoyer of his writing (one of my favorite fic authors), so nearly all of them that don't hit on personal triggers are in my favorites category. He's a master at pinning down the PERFECT depictions of characters that make them feel as canon as possible while also becoming more tangible and real. The ZhongXiao, AyaThoma and Kaeluc fics are incredible. Read them all! However, I will mention that one of his fics that first stuck with me was his Kaeluc AU Northbound & Reaching ! Carys has done a lot of BSD fics too, of which a few stick out to me like They Say You Gotta Fake It and that one Soul Eater AU he did where Dazai was a knife in Chuuya's drawer who gained a body. I DON'T KNOW WHERE IT WENT CUZ I CAN'T FIND IT TO LINK YOU BUT GO LOOK THROUGH ALL HIS FICS FOR IT. IT'S REALLY UNIQUE.

Top 5 works, I guess?? As I mentioned several times while gushing, three of these account for entire lists of the author's works that you should enjoy if we share the same taste! VampireFaun, dgalerab, and intimatopia are my top fic authors, and I've read everything they've posted as long as it didn't contain anything personally triggering - and have learned about new fandoms even! Also, Alaruya didn't make it on this list, but they have a Fyozai fic that really inspired me with its imagery and language. I link it in my Sinner fanfic if you're interested!

I have quite a few other random fics I enjoy, but most were from a Heaven Official's Blessing craze recently and then BSD works that inspired me in some way, but they're not very unique or long, so I felt like this was the best collection to list. Most any fic that explores Dazai struggling with self-harm or neediness or asexuality has my attention. It just has to be written well!

AS FAR AS MY NAME - YOU'RE THE FIRST TO ASK THAT QUESTION! I'm a big fan of...how to explain...slightly dehumanizing titles?? Something that isn't really a name, but a description of me in some way. Something that makes me feel mysterious and yet also gives everyone who reads it an idea of the type of works I'm creating. Of course, my main personality trait is being sadistic, and I love the word sadist, and I love putting THE in front of literally any title because I DON'T KNOW LMAO...I'm THE ONE. That kinda thing. I'M THE GUY!! YEAH I'M THE BLOODY SADIST GUY! THAT ONE! I also love smashing words together, so I was like, I can't just be THE sadist....what else do I like....and that's about it. If I name myself I tend to have trouble ever using anything else in reference to me, so Sadist has stuck from the very beginning. It's going to be very hard to part with that name once I publish a novel and have to use a first and last name...

THANKS FOR THE ASK!! I HOPE YOU ENOY THOSE RECS.

[hawkland]

My (mostly) Destiel Recs, Round-up #6

Well, between working like crazy on my DCBB fic and GISH and injuring my neck last month I haven’t kept up with my rec posts, so this one is going to be LONG and have a LOT and I’m going to try to break it up into sections, from oldies but goodies (some things I found on very old rec lists) to smutty delights to just tasty little bits of fluff, hopefully there’s something or everyone here. Most of these are not super-long, largely in the 10-25k range, though there are a few beyond that. With all the stuff I’ve had going on I haven’t wanted to lose sleep diving into 100k epics (especially when I’m writing my own right now, lol.)

“Oldies” but Goodies:  Here are two great fics written some time way back when but that still definitely slap.

Theodicy by manic_intent (11k) - Probably the most brilliant Godstiel fic I’ve read to date. One of Cas’s first acts as the new god is to make a new archangel. Dean isn’t exactly on board with having his soul re-sculpted into wings he hates on sight (especially as they seem magnetically drawn to Cas), but he isn’t exactly given a choice. He, Sam and Bobby struggle with how to handle their former friend suddenly becoming a vindictive deity - trying to make plans to kill him if they must, which is pretty hard when it seems like Cas is always one step ahead of him. Can Dean hold on to enough of his humanity to provide a conscience to Cas and try to steer him toward good acts instead of destruction? This is one that I can’t say has a perfectly happy ending, but it’s a hopeful and imperfect one that’s just right for how the story plays out. 

My Eyes Are An Ocean by entanglednow (10k) - Season 5 AU where Dean averts the apocalypse through a spell that “powers up” all the angels and he sees Cas’s true form - before being rendered blind. Dean tries to adjust to his blindness, Cas tries to deal with his guilt, and it’s just a lovely little read with an ending that’s... *chef’s kiss*

Lots more recs below the cut:

More great reads from some of my favorite authors I’ve recced before:

The Cabin on the Lake by DeanRH (21k) - This may be my new favorite DeanRH fic...at least for the moment. The year is 2152, Sam and Dean are long gone to Heaven, while Cas - stuck somewhere between mortal and angel - remains on Earth keeping vigil, keeping up the hunt, assuming he’ll never see either Winchester ever again. But when he starts hearing things, and imagining Dean visiting him as an angel himself, he starts losing grip on what is and isn’t real, and whether he can trust anything he sees or believes to be the truth. This is one hell of a psychological rollercoaster that kept me guessing right along with Cas until the very end. It also has some super-creepy horror elements, a novel “monster of the week”, and the hot-as-sin smut scenes I always expect from this author.

X Marks the Scot by DeanRH (15.9k) A fun little romp through history in one of this author’s great not-quite-au fics. Crowley sends Dean and Sam back in history to the Scottish Highlands to stop a monster, and while there they meet a blue-eyed clan chief who makes Dean weak in the knees. There’s something familiar about him, too. a very clever au that ties back to canon for an unexpected fix-it. Also, Cas in a kilt. Enough said.

The Hanging Gardens of Babylon by DeanRH (12k) - Sweet and slightly angsty AU. What if Dean was a gardener in ancient Babylon when a strange dignitary came to warn that the tower under construction was to be destroyed by angels? Lush, romantic and sexy with some wonderful tie-ins to canon characterizations (of Dean, Sam, John and of course Cas).

sufficient for thee by angelfishofthelord (21k) - This is a beautiful Cas angst-fest and character study that reimagines how angel grace works, particularly in regards to healing others. It covers the whole of Cas’s arc from Season 4 through a post-series fix-it, is absolutely stunning and features some great world-building in regards to the angels. (One important TW: those with cutting/self-harm issues may wish to skip or at least proceed with caution). I love that I can always count on angelfishofthelord when I need a good dose of Cas!whump and pain.

And laugh at gilded butterflies by ireallydidthistomyself (13k) - another great Dadstiel fic from this author featuring one of my favorite angsty subjects! I don’t know how I missed reading this one before. An AU where Cas is raising (baby)Jack on his own until the angels find the two of them and prepare to seal Jack away in the Ma’lak box. Cas begs them to let him go with Jack, so at least Jack won’t be alone for eternity. Meanwhile Dean is frantically trying to find what happened to Cas, and he gets some unexpected help from Crowley.  It’s sad and sweet and all the characterizations are great. A+ Crowley use here, too.

what stays (and what fades away) by dothraki_shieldmaiden (64k) - a fabulous read with some great art, too, that started me reading a bunch of fic from this author. Cas goes missing, and when he’s found he seems deep under a spell. When they finally manage to awaken him, he doesn’t remember anything of this life with Dean, Sam and Cas in the bunker. The last thing he knew he was a nurse living with his wonderful husband, Dean, and their two adopted children, Jack and Claire. What I loved about this one was the clever twist as to who was behind Cas’s curse and also how well-developed his AU world/existence was. I’m not generally keen on mundane aus or the one-dimensional way a lot of djinn dream fics tend to go for them, but this one managed to capture a believable version of Dean and Cas living a “normal” life without monsters without making it sugary/too-sweet. 

before knowing remembers by dothraki_shieldmaiden (14k) Post 15x04, a wonderful fic that plays with some meta topics in a clever way. Dean and Sam are happy - they have free will and they’ve won against Chuck, even if they suffered some big losses along the way (including Jack). But Dean can’t help but think he’s forgetting something...or rather, someone. Yet every time he thinks he remembers, the name and face of that someone slips from his mind. 

weights on my ankles by dothraki_shieldmaiden (9k) Post-15x03 where Cas ends up going back to the Gas ‘n Sip and working with Nora after leaving the bunker. A bitter sweet divorce-arc AU and what I love the most is how it ends - not perfect, not tragic, just very real and believable. 

15x18 and Post-canon fix-it fics:

Orbital Velocity Around a Celestial Body by LeverDrift (26k) - An angsty but lovely fix-it fic, one where it gets worse for a while before it gets better. Dean pulls Cas from the Empty, where he’d been living in a fantasy world with a dream!Dean who was giving him everything real!Dean is certain he can’t. Dean has to struggle with wondering if Cas would have been better off with dream!Dean instead of him. This is one that will break your heart before putting it back together again as Dean struggles with his self-worth issues.

so good at crashing in by Wintertree (36k) - Another post-finale fix-it where Cas is back, the world is saved, and things are still...not as easy as it should be for either Dean nor Cas. Monsters are gone, there’s no more hunting to be done, and Cas wants to move out of the bunker somewhere closer to Claire, to move on with a proper human life. Dean thinks he can move there with Cas and stay as “best friends”, even to the extent that Cas encourages him to go out and have sex with others/women. (And wants to hear about it after the fact!) But can Dean figure out what he really wants, and what Cas wants as well? A refreshingly unique take on what a post-series life could have looked like for them.

Delicious smut:

Empty by squirrelofcelestialintent (43k) - Every day this fandom makes me rethink my previous squicks and DNWs in fanfic. Here I find myself enjoying quite a bit more dom/sub elements than I normally ever would! I think because I was absolutely drawn in by the breathtaking first chapter, capturing beautifully the emotions of Cas returning from the Empty in Season 13 if he and Dean had confessed their feelings right then and there. But Dean’s self-worth is all fucked up, he feels there’s no way he can be good enough for Cas, especially when his sexual desires run a little bit...let’s just say outside the vanilla and he’s struggling with shame over doing sex work when he was younger. This was HOT and POOR SAM really gets stuck in the middle of, well, hearing more about his brother’s sex life than he ever needed to.

He's My Mate by Hatsonhamburgers (22k) - This fic manages the delightful combination of humor and extreme hotness perfectly. Dean and Cas catch each other in some questionable masturbation situations. This leads Cas to decide he needs to buy Dean some proper sex toys. He’s just helping his best friend out, right? Sure. As I said, hysterical AND hot as hell. 

Generals by nanoochka (9k) - Cas/Dean, Cas/Balthazar/Dean, implied past-Cas/Balthazar. An old LJ fic I found on an ancient rec list that is just scorching hot and a brilliant character study of Cas and Dean. Balthazar decides to invite himself in when he catches Dean and Cas engaging in some frisky business, and it turns into a bit of a power-play between the two soldiers of Heaven. Cas gets DP’ed and it’s all...well. It’s fucking good, read it.

The One With The Preening by HolyFuckingHell (5.5k) Can I do a rec post without including some wing!kink/wing!grooming in it? No, I can’t. (I also really enjoyed some of the other fics in this author’s series including The One With Dean's Horny Movies).

A Single Point of Light by Destina (2.4k) - This is a gorgeous Cas/Dean/Benny Purgatory short! A delicious balance of the two each caring for and caring about Dean in their own, protective ways, definitely a delight for any fans of this threesome.

Short and sweet, fluff to angst:

Snugglebird by almaasi (5.3k) - So, so soft and sweet and snuggly, just like the title. Dean’s things are disappearing from the bunker...and so, suddenly, has Cas. What’s going on? I do love my nesting!Cas fics, so...yeah. If you need a smile this is a good one to read :)

And Cleanse Me From My Sin by thisisapaige (1.6k) - another one for my beloveds who also enjoy wing grooming and sweet Dean-taking-care-of-Cas fluff.

Needle and Thread by Misachan (4k) - Season 5 wing!fic hurt/comfort. Cas’s wings are badly injured, Dean doesn’t quite know what he’s doing, but he’s stitched up Sam and himself enough times. He can do this. If you love caretaker!Dean and vulnerable!Cas don’t overlook this little gem.

Deceptive Preludes by sp8ce (2.7k) - One of those stories that delves into some of the difficulties Cas might have after coming back from the Empty a second time, especially in regards to accepting what’s real or not, understanding Dean, and how both of their communication issues can add to their struggles. Painful but hopeful for the future, felt very believable as I read it.

[lettersfromn0where]

ZFAW: Self-Love Saturday

For the last day of @zkfanworkweek!

It’s no secret that I love writing more than almost anything in existence, or that I’m somewhat absurdly passionate about my work. I’m well aware that a handful of people probably think this is annoying (how many people who have had the misfortune to be in any kind of chat with me never want to hear the name “Hina Oyama” again? Probably most of them), and I was hesitant to do this at all because I know I can be self-centered and I’m trying to work on that. But I realized that I’m not doing this for feedback or because I want people to read my work - if I were to talk about my fic like this, it would be coming from a place of excitement about sharing something I love with others, not about finding new readers. (Have I done a little too much networking of that kind? Yes. Am I proud of it? Not at all. That’s why I had to make sure that that wasn’t why I was doing this.) 

So I’m going to go for it, and give you guys the background behind a few of my favorite things I’ve written. Stories below the cut. 

Story #1: The One That Taught Me That It’s Okay to Fail As a Writer

and I'll write you a tragedy (June 2020)

I wrote this back in June, when I was first getting into AtLA - I think it was my third or fourth published Zutara fanfic. I didn’t have many friends yet; most of the ones I talked to at the time, I've since lost touch with. So my participation in the fandom was largely isolated. I’d just write things and yeet them into the void without a care in the world - that’s what I did with “And I’ll Write You a Tragedy.” I had this grand idea that it would be ~the angstiest thing ever written~ and I was SO excited to get home (I was at the beach when I got the idea) so I could work on it...

Only to find that I simply wasn’t ready for the story I was trying to tell.

Oh, I wrote it, and it was...decently well-reviewed for something that caused me so much existential angst. But it fell so short of the concept that I had for it that, the moment I hit “post,” I was so frustrated that burst into tears. (Like a kindergartner. One can never say I deserve to be called an adult.) I wanted to establish myself in this new fandom so badly that anything I perceived as substandard was a crushing failure. And it was the process of talking myself through that frustration that taught me something I’ve tried to hold close ever since: every writer writes a dud every once in a while. No one is at the top of their game 100% of the time; those who appear to be probably don’t post the duds. Should I have posted this, then? Well, the jury is out on that. I still hate it. But it deserves a spot here just for the lesson it taught me. 

Story #2: the One That Broke the Angst Ceiling 

who lives, who dies, who tells your story (July 2020)

I have no idea how this took my angst from the coltish awkwardness of “sort of sad, but not very well-done” to genuinely depressing, but it did. Maybe I should blame quarantine and all of the difficulties that brought with it, or just the additional writing experience I had gained by that time. Whatever the reason, I remember this - even though it never got very popular - as an absolute triumph for me as a writer, because this is when I FINALLY learned how to write effective angst. For *years* I had thought I was simply incapable of writing anything sad, but this showed me that I wasn’t. I’ll never understood what flipped the switch (maybe it was @hiniwalay, whose help in forming this idea was invaluable...I love and miss you so much <3), but it’s a very important part of my writing journey even so. 

Story #3: The One That Got Inexplicably Popular

Tethered (Zutara Week - written in June 2020, posted in late July 2020)

Zutara Week 2020 was sort of the point at which I established myself in this fandom and I have super fond memories of the warm reception I received at the time. It was such a positive, encouraging experience - and perhaps the one and only time that people have actually wanted to indulge my somewhat ridiculous obsession with fluff. And this was sort of the peak of my entrance into the ZK fandom. 

And I am...not sure how I feel about that. 

Soulmate AUs are obviously super popular, so I knew that “Tethered” was going to be one of my better-recieved ZKW fics if I did it even marginally well. What I did NOT expect was that, by the time of this post, it would be exactly tied with The Waiting Game for my most kudos’d work. It’s almost insane to me that that is a thing, because, while I don���t hate how “Tethered” came out, I definitely don’t feel like it deserved the hype it got. It’s...just another soulmate AU, but seeing that I was capable of writing something that people would gobble up did wonders for my confidence - and, I think, for my reputation in the fandom as well. It was definitely a mile-marker on my journey, even if I would rather it have been a different ZKW oneshot (this one was my favorite).

Story #4: The Twitter Favorite

Four Days and Three Nights (written August 2020)

I will never, ever forget the day I posted this. 

I joined a Zutara group chat on Twitter just before Zutara Week 2020 began, and I quickly became...a little bit desperate for their attention. “The Waiting Game” (much more on that later) sprung from that desperation, but this was the one that actually did something about it. Which is funny, because it was actually a complete accident! 4D3N, as it is affectionately called on Twitter, was the result of my dumb butt reading “Five,” thinking “I want to write something that depressing!”, and just...going for it. I told myself not to overthink things as I desperately banged out the 3166 words of this story in two hours (because I needed to go for a run before it got dark and didn’t start writing until 3), and that is probably the one and only time in my entire life that telling myself something like that actually worked. Writing 4D3N was just sort of this rush that I barely even had time to recognize while I was caught up in it and the result was something I genuinely felt that I could be proud of - that’s pretty rare. My Twitter friends went slightly insane, half of them wanted to stab me (in a good way), and I finally felt like I actually belonged in this fandom - like I had done something to earn a place there. [Caveat: fandom is for everyone and you never need to “earn the right” to be in one, but my brain latched onto the idea that I didn’t deserve to be creating things for a fandom that didn’t want me and would not let it go. Figures.] Lately, I’ve been struggling with this one a little bit because it’s getting a lot of comparisons to “Five” in which it never fares favorably, for obvious reasons, and it was never actually my favorite fic to begin with, but it still means a lot to me. This is the one I recommend to people who are curious about my work and probably always will be. 

Story #5: The Sleeper Favorite

Lean On (written August 2020)

I have no earthly idea why I like this one so much, but it has to be my favorite oneshot I have up. It’s hurt-comfort and dives into the implications of the Agni Kai for Zuko’s health, both physical and mental - maybe it’s the uniqueness of that premise that endeared it to me, or maybe the personal-ness...is that a word?...of the narrative. The bare-bones summary: Zuko’s health is declining a year after the Agni Kai, Katara shows up to do something about that, and what follows is a year of Pain and Heartache for both of them as they try to navigate their conflicting feelings for each other. But really, it’s a story about healing: physically, yes, but also mentally and emotionally. I certainly relate a lot to Katara in “Lean On,” as I’ve been the friend caught in the crossfire of others’ battles with their mental health many times and I wanted to try to write from both sides of that conflict. But I think I probably wrote more of myself into Zuko than I originally anticipated, as well. Quarantine has not been good for my mental health...at all...and I’ve found myself lashing out at my family far more than I should without even knowing why, isolating myself and growing thorns so that no one would come near me. I hate seeing myself like that, and I hate that I can't seem to make myself do anything about it. So really, I was hashing out my own feelings both past and present, and what I ended up with, whatever you might think of its quality, came from the heart. I also, for whatever reason, really liked my writing here, so I have a special place in my heart for “Lean On.” 

Story #6: The Fluff I Didn’t Hate

Waffleosophy (written September 2020)

Look, there's not a lot to say about this, but it’s definitely my favorite fluff that I’ve ever written. I felt like I finally managed to hit the right note with this so that it came off as sweet without being saccharine, and it feels...I don’t know, wittier than what I usually write? I write a lot of fluff but something about “Waffleosophy” made it feel more polished and coherent than most of my other fluff. This was one that, as ridiculous as its premise was, I felt like I could truly be proud of; since I’m often a bit ashamed of how much of my work is fluff (it feels like “cheating” sometimes, as if I write this way because I lack the skill for real emotional beats), that’s saying a lot. 

Story #7: the Insanely Niche AU

Once In a Lifetime (ongoing)

This one gets updated at the speed of snail, but. ZK ice dance AU. It just makes me so HAPPY. 

Story #8: The One That Actually Did What It Was Meant To Do

Hanabi (written October/November 2020)

This heading is ironic because this was originally supposed to be an angsty slow-burn about surviving on an uninhabited island. Instead, it became as unerringly Sarah S---- as any fic ever has. Oops. 

Hanabi sprung from a desire to write something incredibly soft and wholesome. Seriously. That’s it. I had just finished writing a story that got a lot more violent and dark than I had expected it to, and I wasn’t comfortable with that; I wanted to return to my roots, if you will, and write something ~soft~. I wanted to write about good people, doing good things, being good to each other, with as much tender pining as I could cram in on the side. I wanted unique worldbuilding and a relationship that had to be built rather than handed over under the guise of Soulmateism (because this was the period in which I hated The Waiting Game and everything it stood for, aka...that. It was a weird time). And I actually? Did all of that? There’s this F. Scott Fitzgerald quote about how writers have to “sell their hearts” that I think about often, and I did that here. This has as much of my heart in it as anything ever will, I think, and if I had to pick a favorite thing that I have ever written, it would be “Hanabi.” I love it a lot. 

Story #9: The One You Knew Was Coming

The Waiting Game series (written July-October 2020)

I have so many feelings about this that I can’t even really articulate them all. Where would I even start? 

There was the fact that the first installment was written in two weeks (thirteen days, 94,832 words) to try to get the attention of a Twitter chat. There was the matter of Hina Oyama, my blog’s namesake, an OC who took on an absolutely massive life of her own to the point where she was quite literally my coping mechanism over the summer and I annoy everyone I know by constantly banging on pots and pans and screaming about her. There was the way this universe spiraled outwards from its original installment and now has three generations, two sequels, and a prequel in progress (Hina’s origin story, which I am writing for a friend but will most likely never post). There were the friends I made because of this series and all of the inside jokes and headcanons we’ve developed while discussing it. There were all of the existential crises I had (over negative comments, over whether or not this career-defining series is even decent, over the moral implications of writing about people getting stabbed in the sequel...please don’t ask). There is the fact that everyone I come into contact with now knows what Haang is, and that by a close-reading of any passage about Hina or Kya, you could probably learn a lot about me. 

But all I can say, in the end, is that I don’t know if I’ve ever written something that I fell in love with so quickly as I did “The Waiting Game,” or that had as much lasting impact upon me. (It has been five months, and I’m STILL writing in this universe, still talking about it constantly.) I know my TWG obsession is a little annoying, and I know that this universe isn’t really anything special - but it’s special to me, and it always will be. Will I shut up? Abso-freaking-lutely not. Do I care if no one knows what my username means because it refers to an OC in a fic not a lot of people actually like? Not in the slightest! I won’t pretend that TWG is a perfect story, or even that it deserves to be thought of as particularly good, but I will absolutely defy anyone who tells me that I need to “get over it.” (No one has, but my brain likes to tell me that everyone is thinking it.) 

I will never be over stories that move me, especially not ones I created.

And especially not Yangchen Oyama. 

~finis~ 

[hope-for-olicity]

Fabulous Olicity Fanfic Friday - April 27th, 2018

Happy Friday! So this is my attempt to both thank awesome fanfic writers for their amazing work and offer my recommendations to anyone who is interested. Here are the fantastic fanfic stories I read this week! They are posted in the order I read them.

Remarkable multi-chapter WIP by @tsukikomew - What if Oliver met Felicity during the pilot instead of episode 3? Oliver Queen is back and determined to save his city. While the Hood sets off to take down evil and crime, Oliver Queen finds himself drawn to her. As the Hood makes a name for himself, Oliver has to decide what he's willing to sacrifice to save his city. A complete retelling of Season 1, 1 chapter per episode. https://archiveofourown.org/works/7011949/chapters/15967018

I'll Be Better (post 6x19) by @dust2dust34 - Post-6x19. Oliver gets a taste of his own medicine. https://archiveofourown.org/works/11888871/chapters/33201207

(My Waking) Nightmare by @alexiablackbriar13 - Post 6x19. Felicity awakens from a nightmare about Oliver dying due to being hurt while alone in the field... to find her husband missing from their bed. Understandably, she panics. https://archiveofourown.org/works/14377521

Above All Else multi-chapter WIP by shesimperfect_butshetries - A different take on episode 6x14: Rene shoots but Oliver jumps in front of Felicity. https://archiveofourown.org/works/14101470/chapters/32490537

Another Chance at Love multi-chapter WIP by @smkkbert - It’s been almost two years since Oliver lost his fiancée Detective McKenna Hall when she died in the line of duty. He closed his heart to love ever since, unable or unwilling to give love another chance. That changes when he meets Felicity Smoak at the annual gala of the Starling City Police Foundation. Is he ready to give love another chance, though? http://archiveofourown.org/works/13561101/chapters/31119801

A Dance With The Devil multi-chapter WIP by @it-was-a-red-heeler - A Season Five re-write http://archiveofourown.org/works/13792770/chapters/31707645

Olicity Fic Challenge 3: Pancakes by @spaztronautwriter - “You’re still here… and you’re making pancakes?” https://spaztronautwriter.tumblr.com/post/142778757233/olicity-fic-challenge-3-pancakes

No More Brownies (An Olicity AU) by @spaztronautwriter - Felicity contacts Oliver to make her pancakes after a drunken night including a brownie https://spaztronautwriter.tumblr.com/post/143197790313/no-more-brownies-an-olicity-au

Bottomless Breadsticks (An Olicity AU) by @spaztronautwriter - Oliver calls Felicity after his date steals his wallet. https://spaztronautwriter.tumblr.com/post/151680523148/bottomless-breadsticks-an-olicity-au#notes

Untitled by @smoaking-greenarrow - Arrow Out of Context Prompt: “Don’t worry. I’ll figure out what’s wrong with Oliver.”  “You’d be the first.” http://smoaking-greenarrow.tumblr.com/post/173174827739/could-you-do-5-please-from-the-arrow-season-2

Revelations by @the-shy-and-anxious-fangirl - There's a lot that Ray doesn't ask about when Felicity shows up out the blue after they haven't seen each other in a year. Those answers come to him in time. If he's totally honest with himself, he isn't sure he was prepared for them. https://archiveofourown.org/works/14384493

Don't Take Satisfaction by HopeShannon3000 - When Curtis said he basically took satisfaction in Oliver being alone (in 6x19) i was disappointed that Felicity didn't say anything so i fixed it and made what i wanted her to say to Curtis. https://archiveofourown.org/works/14388264

Jealous Oliver Queen multi-chapter WIP by Overwatch_queen_olicity - Another alien invasion. This time, it's in National City. Kara calls for backup from team Arrow, Flash and Legends. When everyone meets up at the DEO new introductions are made. Winn instantly takes a liking to Felicity, but Oliver isn't too okay with that. https://archiveofourown.org/works/14395686/chapters/33243285

Last Dance (Post S6) by @dust2dust34 - Oliver and Felicity say good bye http://dust2dust34.tumblr.com/post/173200119409/and-because-im-in-an-angsty-mood-17-last

Untitled by @smoaking-greenarrow - Arrow Out of Context Prompt: “You deserve someone better, who can harness that light that’s still inside of you, but I’m not that person and I never will be.” http://smoaking-greenarrow.tumblr.com/post/173198269409/16-of-the-out-of-s2-context-prompts-plssss

Curious Transformations multi-chapter WIP by CharlotteCordelier - From the Department of I-didn't-think-this-all-the-way-through, a season 2 AU. Felicity comes to in a train station, missing some time. And that's only the beginning of the weirdness. https://archiveofourown.org/works/14161659/chapters/32641764

To Sacrifice the Sun multi-chapter WIP by @emmilynestill - Oliver and Felicity are ARGUS agents working on a mission in Mexico, the two share some very important history. A MUST READ! http://archiveofourown.org/works/7510744/chapters/22505918

Untitled by @felicityollies - Prompt: "my bf found my shampoo by smelling all of them" http://felicityollies.tumblr.com/post/173208772812/are-u-by-any-chance-writing-about-my-bf-found-my

Tempest multi-chapter WIP by @so-caffeinated and @dust2dust34 - Three years ago, tragedy struck Julianna Queen’s life. Now, she wears a mask and fights at her father’s side, looking for closure and justice as she tries to find a path to move forward with her life while holding on to her past. But that may a bit more complicated than she thinks… http://archiveofourown.org/works/13309731/chapters/30461850

Damn It, Why Won't the Eagle Just Land Already? multi-chapter complete by @smewhereelse - President John Diggle would really appreciate it if everyone would stop gossiping about his security detail and his science advisor and get back to work. He’d appreciate it even more if his best friends would pull their heads out of their asses and get together already. A White House romantic comedy AU. https://archiveofourown.org/works/13132602/chapters/30040788

Butterflies Around a Flame... multi-chapter WIP by @arrow-through-my-writers-block -  Isabella doesn't expect a lengthy string of code on her laptop to transform into a letter from her recently deceased mother offering to tell her the truth about her father, but she accepts the ghostly offering with slight hesitation. In the confession comes the remarkable tale of Felicity Smoak's whirlwind romance with troublemaker Oliver Queen and their desperate attempt to escape the circumstances that brought them together in the first place. (inspired by the film 'Fire With Fire' | title from the song 'Birds of a Feather' by The Civil Wars) https://archiveofourown.org/works/7834591/chapters/17885317

Growing Together by @tsukikomew - In a world where the Gambit never goes down, Felicity Smoak just wants a burger. She just wants one night at Big Belly Burger the way it used to be, before Oliver Queen cut himself away from his family fortune and started being a server there. When she forgets her cell phone one night, Oliver tracks her down and begins a love story neither of them were expecting. https://archiveofourown.org/works/7548208

Coming Together by @tsukikomew - After Oliver Queen walked away from his fortune, he was surprised to meet the love of his life at Big Belly Burger. Now Olicity is confronted with dealing with Moira Queen. A continuation of "Growing Together". https://archiveofourown.org/works/10812036

Loving Together by @tsukikomew - Oliver and Felicity have done it all. They've overcome having no job, no money, and no place to go. They've overcome having three children and parents who were not always supportive. Now they have one more thing to overcome and it doesn't help they start out with three puking children. No matter what they are together and in love, and that's what matters. https://archiveofourown.org/works/10992861

Bodyguard multi-chapter WIP by @originalhybridlover - Felicity needs a new bodyguard and Diggle referred her to an old friend, Oliver Queen. Unknowingly she meets the man she would one day marry.  LOVE THIS and the writer says she’s working on an update :) https://archiveofourown.org/works/9656798/chapters/21814571

Oliver on Vacation multi-chapter complete by @tinaday3w - Olicity AU.  When Oliver Queen’s best friend, renowned psychiatrist Dr. John Diggle, encourages the stressed-out CEO to go on vacation, Oliver can’t believe Digg’s “vacation” choice is actually a psychiatric retreat nestled deep in the Blue Ridge Mountains.  Oliver simply doesn’t think he needs this kind of intensive therapy.  And he definitely doesn’t think he needs the attentions of Felicity – the frivolous, frolicking forest fairy who flits her way into his life and challenges all his assumptions.  What Oliver doesn’t know is that he’ll never be so happy to be proven wrong. A MUST READ! https://archiveofourown.org/works/4662243/chapters/10637169

Time for a Story multi-chapter WIP by @smkkbert - This fic shows Olicity and their life as a (married) couple with family. Although Olicity (and their kids) are the protagonists, other characters of Arrow and Flash make appearances. YOU NEED THIS STORY IN YOUR LIFE. http://archiveofourown.org/works/3912157/chapters/8757172

It's the Side Effects That Save Us by @theshipsfirstmate - Post-5x20, my attempt to sort through that wholly unsatisfying final Olicity scene. https://archiveofourown.org/works/10869822

Take Two by @yet-i-remain-quiet - A slight rewrite to the Olicity scene at the end of 6x19. When Felicity comes home after seeing the explosion and is looking for Oliver. What if the couple had had a real conversation. https://archiveofourown.org/works/14428407

The Story of Tonight multi-chapter WIP by @arrow-crack - Set in the Revolutionary War. Felicity, a rich daughter of General Smoak meets a strangely charming soldier under her father's command, Oliver Queen. https://archiveofourown.org/works/14073570/chapters/32423250

Re-Airrow 1x17 by @lostolicityscenes - Here is episode 1x17 FS version. https://lostolicityscenes.tumblr.com/post/173275491621/re-airrow-episode-1x17-an-you-may-notice-that

Rainbow in the Dark multi-chapter Complete by @tdgal1 - The team is tracking a sex trafficking ring leading to an auction on a boat.  Oliver has a PTSD attack resulting in understanding his true feelings for Felicity. https://archiveofourown.org/works/14345985/chapters/33110745

Everybody Leaves by shesimperfect_butshetries - Rewrite of the end of 6x17. Felicity and Oliver discuss the collapse of Team Arrow. https://archiveofourown.org/works/14416086

Love On Top by @sanxo - This is a one shot, set after 6x19, I may say that it's a little an AU too, oh and its also a little celebration of the Olicity sexiversary! https://archiveofourown.org/works/14416902

Real Love (Is Never a Waste of Time) multi-chapter WIP by @callistawolf - Oliver and Felicity are CEOs who are more partners than they are rivals, but they still bicker whenever they meet up. Constantly pestered by their families and board members, they turn to each other for a simple solution. But marriage is never simple, especially when these two are involved. When Oliver's younger sister decides to hold her much-anticipated wedding on a tropical island and insists her brother and his wife attend, will the island paradise prove to be the tipping point in their carefully balanced relationship? https://archiveofourown.org/works/13604955/chapters/31233603

The Best Deceptions multi-chapter WIP by @smoaking-greenarrow - From the moment Oliver Queen met Felicity Smoak, all he’d wanted to do was keep her safe. But to protect her and his city, he had to become something else. Five years later, Felicity finds herself wrapped up in a dangerous murder investigation and a treacherous relationship. Intent on finding out the truth, she has to rely on a government sector she doesn’t trust, the hacking skills she gave up on, and a man who she thought had given up on her. http://archiveofourown.org/works/13920333/chapters/32038635

// @emmaamelia95 // @mel-loves-all // @oliverfel4 // @green-arrows-of-karamel // @coal000 // @miriam1779 // @memcjo// @captainolicitysbedroom // @tdgal1 // @spaztronautwriter // @lalawo1// @quiveringbunny // @wrongshipper // @thebookjumper // @vaelisamaza // @myhauntedblacksoul // @lovelycssefan // @laurabelle2930 //

[awilliamswrites]

11/11/11 Tag 2

Tagged by @corisanna​. Sorry it took me longer than I thought to get around to this! ㅠㅠ  Also some my answers are super long as I can’t seem to confine myself.

1. What is your favorite relationship type to write/read? Romantic, platonic, familial, and any subtypes.

Favorite to read is either family or friends, or a family that are actually friends with each other. I love warm and fuzzy relationships where people are loyal to each other and love each other and care for one another. 

I’m not actually certain what my favorite relationship to write is though. I’d say I haven’t written enough types of relationships enough times to choose a favorite yet. So far I both like writing friendships and antagonistic relationships. 

2. How much or what kind of research do you do for your fiction? If you don’t write, has a fic ever made you curious enough to research something?

The amount of research I do all depends on a combination of how much energy I have, how difficult it is to find information on the topic, and how interested I am. For some things I settle with what Wikipedia has to say about it, and for other things if I am feeling energetic/determined/interested enough I try to find original or primary sources.

I do tend to rely solely on the internet. Not counting going to my college library, I think it’s been about seven years since I’ve been to a public library. Man, I knew it had been awhile but I hadn’t realized just how long until I did the math in order to type that out. I have been wanting to go to the library for a while and that makes me want to go again even more. I know that some of the best research you can do is through books, and that’s an avenue I want to re-use soon.

3. What was the first work of fiction you remember becoming completely engrossed in?

The Redwall books. I loved those books so much.

4. What work(s) had a lasting influence on you or your writing style?

Hmmm, on my style? I’m not sure. I don’t consciously emulate anybody even though there are some authors who I would love to write like. Brandon Sanderson (Mistborn and The Way of Kings), Terry Pratchett (Discworld), and Megan Whalen Turner (The Queen’s Thief)

On me? See the three just-now mentioned authors, and add in Brian Jacques (Redwall). All of those have influenced my worldview and how I think about myself and others. They’ve also influenced the stories I want to read and what type of stories and characters I want to write.

I’d also be remiss in not adding in The Book of Mormon and The Bible. I could say a lot about them both but I don’t like talking about my religion much and how it’s influenced my life because I know how obnoxious/pushy it can sound. 

I’ll just say: there are some really encouraging, hope-giving verses in the scriptures and they have had a lasting influence on me and how I think.

5. What kind of sound environment do you prefer for writing/reading? Silent, white noise, music with/without words, sitting in a public place with the ambient noise of humanity, etc.

Silence. I like to picture the events in my head and write out what I’m “seeing” and music or people talking distracts me from that. Some noises like the A/C or cars in the distance is fine though. 

6. Are you or do you like authors who are teases, in story or out? 

Like who do cliffhangers and stuff? I love authors who do that even though it’s also agony. I don’t do a ton of cliffhangers myself.

7. Have you ever experienced a “the characters write themselves” or “character rebellion” mental state?

Sadly no, I have not gotten to that point of knowing my characters well enough yet.

8. Do you have a favorite franchise crossover? Like Bleach/Harry Potter, Madoka Magica/Card Captor Sakura, etc.

Nope! I am fond of different “magic” (I’m including the Force from Star Wars under that umbrella) systems interacting and characters being weirded out or in awe of what characters from the other universe can do.

My two favorite franchises by themselves are probably Star Wars and Naruto, but funnily enough I haven’t read any crossovers of the two universes that I’ve cared for. Maybe I should write one. Hmmm.

9. Do you remember anything about the first fanfic you ever read?

I sure do! The first fanfic I ever read and continue to read was Dreaming of Sunshine by Silver Queen. Probably the best intro to fanfic anyone could ever ask for. If you’ve never heard of it, it’s a Naruto fanfic that at this point can probably be safely considered the Naruto fanfic.

I started reading it in 2011 I think. I found it because I was on TV Tropes and I was clicking the “Random Media” button. 

10. Is there a work of fiction that you are annoyed doesn’t have much if any fic? 

I mostly read on fanfiction dot net, so I don’t know about other platforms but at least on there there are not nearly enough Mistborn Trilogy fanfic. 

11. What fictional character do you strongly identify with?

Instead of choosing one I’ll talk about the type of character. I tend to identify with stoic and angsty characters, even though those characters are generally also great fighters and/or have supremely tragic backstories and I am not and do not.

Part of it is that these characters are really cool, and I like them because of that. I know that liking is different from identifying with, but I think there’s some overlap in that liking can include elements of recognizing, aspiring to, and resonating with. There are a few stoic and angsty characters who I do not like, and given that I am just now recognizing that overlap I’m now wondering and wanting to rethink about those characters and see what it is about them that makes me not like/identify with them as opposed to others.

Back to stoic and angsty characters I do like: I have clinical depression, so the constant quiet suffering those characters exude (bonus points if they point on a cheerful façade some of the time) is both relatable and makes me want to hug them. Relating this to the first question, I especially love it when these characters either have or are taken in to a family relationship where people worry about them and love them and help them heal. 

And, on top of that, as I said they are generally awesome and competent fighters, meaning that part of the core of those characters is that they are good at protecting and serving others. This is something I don’t identify so much with as very much aspire to/wish I was better at. (I think it would be awesome to have superpowers or be great at fighting, but at the heart of those desires is the desire to help others.) 

@corisanna​ as a side note, your fanfic is one of my favorites right now because it is pushing all the right buttons for me to LOVE all the characters and character interactions. I’m so glad I found it. I’ve watched PMMM but not Bleach, and As N Approaches Infinity has made me curious enough to start. I’ve watched five episodes and am liking it so far. Can’t wait to meet Toshiro Hitsugaya in the show.

Those were really awesome questions, here are mine! p.s. I’m totally reusing the ones I came up with last time. :P

1 What is your favorite book or series and why?

2 What piece of writing are you most proud of and why? This could be anything, not just fiction writing; if you wrote a paper for school that thinking about still makes you feel good, I’d be curious to learn what it was!

3 Are you a planner or a pantser?

4 If you could live in the world any book series, which would it be? If your choice is different than your favorite from question 1, why is that?

5 Do you have a book that you love that most people you talk to tend not to have heard of? What is it?

6 Do you read/write fanfiction? What’s your favorite fandom to read/write in?

7 What time of day do you write best during? Morning? Midnight? Any time?

8 Have you ever done Nanowrimo? What was your project?

9 What is your opinion on poetry? Do you like it? Do you like modern poetry?

10 Choose your favorite question out of the 11 questions I answered and answer that one! (Indicate which one you’re answering too).

11 What was the last book you read?

I don’t know 11 more new writers to tag, but here are as many as I can. Tagging @pens-swords-stuff @theswordofpens @thenessiej @mdotldotwang @hewwoanna​ @byrdwriter​

[mythril-mine]

001- Bungou Stray Dogs | 002- Soukoku | 003- Chuuya ( and Dazai? ) I want to know your answers to both | 004- BSD + Your choice

Ah, thank you for sending an ask, Haru~! Sorry it took me a couple days to answer everything!! I also got a little wordy where perhaps I had no business being on an ask meme, but I have So Many Feelings about Bungou Stray Dogs!! In fact, it’s under a cut because it got SO LONG. ;; So please pardon that~ Hopefully my rambling makes some modicum of sense. Here we go!!

001 | Bungou Stray Dogs

Favorite character: Chuuya! (And it’s going to show in these answers, so get ready!)

Least Favorite character: Le…mons?

5 Favorite ships (canon or non-canon): Soukoku, Shin-Soukoku, AtsuLucy, DazAtsu (sometimes), RamPoe (it was hard to narrow it down to five, I’m very much a multi-shipper for this fandom > ~

Character I find most attractive: ???? Chuuya is the most beautiful character second only to Kouyou, if I saw Kouyou in person I would tear up and be compelled to give her nine dollars.

Character I would marry: ………………? OdaSaku, I guess….?

Character I would be best friends with: I’d have a lot to bond with Poe and Alcott over hahah (I also want to be friends with Chuuya though I’m not even going to lie. I talk about this with friends a lot when the subject of ‘anime husband’ comes up. I don’t want to date Chuuya, I want to be his wingman and give him a high-five when things go well. I’d also want to be friends with Atsushi, Lucy, and Tanizaki~ and Gin!)

A random thought: I really want to talk about Fyodor but none of these questions really apply to him… ;; Second Random Thought: I think Kunikida/Atsushi would be surprisingly pure…?

An unpopular opinion: I’m not sure what’s considered ‘unpopular’ in this fandom anymore but I think Chuuya deserves some of the page time he’s started to get. ;; There’s a lot that can be done with his character with what’s been laid out so far, and if they’re choosing to make use of that as a reaction to his popularity, that’s okay! I’m sure they’ll do a good job with it! (Again is this unpopular? I don’t know because Chuuya seems to be slaughtering popularity polls lately, but I’ve seen him getting some flack on tumblr as well. Similarly I don’t think it’s so much that people dislike KunikiDazai so much as Chuuya is … disproportionately popular and the time people can contribute to fan works is limited.)

My canon OTP: There are no actual ‘canon’ pairings in BSD so far (I mean, if we don’t count Chuuya/Wine, Chuuya/His Hat, and Fitzgerald/Money, as you can see I take things Very Seriously). The ones I think are most heavily implied are Higuchi/Akutagawa (which I wouldn’t call my ‘canon OTP’ by any means because although I love both Higuchi and Akutagawa and want them to be happy he’s… not good for her currently), Mitchell/Hawthorne, and then Lucy —> Atsushi and Kyouka —> Atsushi. And… honestly Poe —> Rampo!? (While I highly doubt that was Asagiri’s intention, he has the same kind of fixation on Rampo that the girls do on Atsushi, pfft.) Of these RamPoe is clearly the Best but I’m very partial to AtsuLucy~

Non-canon OTP: soukokusoukokusoukokusoukokusoukokusoukoku

Most badass character: 560% Chuuya. (Do I need to explain why? I mean… look at him. /Jazz Hands)

Pairing I am not a fan of: Okay, I lied, there is one canon pairing and it’s Tanizaki/Naomi and I Am Not A Fan (I actually really like both of these characters in their own right and I’m even a fan of ships centered around devotion just please put them Very Ver Far Away from each other, they are siblings.)

Character I feel the writers screwed up (in one way or another): I always really hesitated to say ‘screw up’ with a series that’s ongoing — I think it’s unfair to the creators to call that when perhaps they’ve treated a character a certain way or put them in a certain scenario towards an end that would be compelling and make sense that we just haven’t seen yet. That said, of course I can’t pick just one, so here we go. 

Per Chuuya being my favorite character, I’m not 110% satisfied with how they’re handling him so far? I feel his character’s been shown to be a little inconsistent with regard to his abilities (both his actual Ability and also his faculties re: instincts, intelligence, and so on — even a bit of his personality when it gets boiled down to nothing but ‘Damn You Dazai!’ for comedic effect when he’s been hinted at being a much more complex person, as most people are). In part I think this also has to do with the fact that… Chuuya’s not… really a main character in anyway. They’re probably beginning to give him more of the spotlight simply because he’s such a fan-favorite, but — story wise, it doesn’t necessarily make sense to be their priority. (Even though /I/ want to see him treated consistently and given more on-screen depth and back story, and perhaps we’ll get that now that he’s featuring more!)

I think covering Dazai’s suicide-mania is important and I don’t even necessarily hate the light-hearted tone its given (I, myself, often cope with very self-deprecating humor), but I do dislike how often it’s treated completely flippantly. I could write a dissertation about why but… perhaps I shouldn’t have to.

Atsushi, Atsushi, Atsushi. Good lord. Not only is this kid screwed up from a physically and mentally absuve, isolated past, but the way he’s treated in the story, is just… He’s supposed to be our main character, and he has a lot of moments where he truly shines!! Atsushi is a wonderful shounen-type protag, especially in the climax of the Fitzgerald arc with how he gets through to Akutagawa, but damn is he inconsistent? Just when we think he’s gotten some character growth he goes right back to being a coward — and not that anybody can change overnight but the way it’s handled with him I feel is just… so stilted? Same for how development of his abilities is treated. We’re told it’s because of Fukuzawa’s ability, but that’s off screen and confusing for a reader. I… have extremely mixed feelings about how the chapter with his headmaster was handled, and what that means for his character and development as well. And — as much as I love sweet, pure, cinnamon roll Atsushi… I find myself thinking consistently “this scene would be more compelling for me if Dazai were actually the main character.” And I have very complicated feelings about Dazai, so that says something.

Favourite Friendship: I don’t think I can pick just one, actually…! Atsushi and Lucy’s friendship means a lot to me but actually I am HERE for Yosano and Rampo as well as Yosano with Kunikida. As much as I’m a Port Mafioso for life I do hope we see more of their interactions in the future. Also, nobody in the PM are really…. ‘friends,’ that I can tell? Though I want to see more Black Lizard interactions and also them interacting with Chuuya. And also Kouyou interacting with Chuuya! (Atsushi and Akutagwa are NOT friends but I’d like to see that…)

Character I want to adopt or be adopted by: I’m older than almost all of these characters so I guess I want to adopt Akutagawa and give him actual love and support because goddamn buddy you had it rough with Dazai as your mentor… ;w; (I’d be okay being adopted by Fukuzawa too, though!!)

002 | Soukoku

When or if I started shipping it. Hmm… definitely by Chapter 31 but I was curious about it when Chuuya first showed up, I think. I was ready for KunikiDazai, who are currently partners, so the whole ‘old partners’ thing piqued my interest. Chuuya comes off so much at first as ‘jilted, abandoned lover’ that I immediately want to know why or at least explore it in fandom.

My thoughts: THIS QUESTION IS SO BROAD, I could write a whole dissertation about this! How it’s great and interesting and also terrible and vague, how do I do the CliffsNotes version… we know so so so little about what’s implied to have been a terrifying and powerful partnership between Dazai and Chuuya. There’s just so much /potential/ there for how and why they came to know each other so well, for how Chuuya came to trust Dazai with his life despite knowing what a terrible prankster and liar his ex-partner is and how they two came to hate each other and bicker (or were they always this way?), and there’s of course the question of what lies in store for them in the future that makes the idea of the two of them together so fascinating to me. It’s an interesting ship for me especially because prior to BSD I’d be extremely hard-pressed to come up with a “hate ship” that I actually enjoyed. I tend to be more drawn to ships that showcase a typical ‘healthy’ relationship or positive emotions, signs of devotion, and so on — life’s angsty enough as it is, I use fandom and media to get away from that. But somehow that potential and both the humor and sadness of how Dazai and Chuuya interact and think of each other, and if they could reconcile (or not!), has been so compelling for me as a fan who likes to analyze and read into things too deeply. Soukoku is honestly just a really fun sandbox!

What makes me happy about them: Canonically, the humor in how they bicker and how frankly badass they are when they work together. In fandom, all the potential I mentioned earlier for them to reconcile, and also the idea of stolen warm moments and shenanigans together training and growing up in the Mafia, pre-Dark Era.

What makes me sad about them: How on earth did you guys hurt each other so bad!? What did you do?

Things done in fanfic that annoys me: Hmm… it’s hard for me to think of anything? I haven’t read anything in a while but when I first got into BSD it kind of drove me crazy that the entire fandom just collectively… made Chuuya French? Or Half-French. It’s not even a head-canon I’d be against, necessarily, I just didn’t get it, even with the actual author being something of a Francophile. (I’d be more interested to see that detail worked into his character.)

Things I look for in fanfic: Adhering to how they are in canon, hate and all, but analyzing in what ways they navigate around that to both be beneficial to one another and eventually even enjoy each other’s company. And the hurt/comfort thing. Also, Chuuya being intelligent in his own right! I mentioned earlier that the manga is kind of inconstant about this but I like the idea that Chuuya is not just brawn and I like when fic explores that in how he handles Dazai. Also I approve strongly of people covering Dazai being TERRIBLE and how he makes up for that — or doesn’t, and why.

My kinks: what. ….them both being… happy… together??????

Who I’d be comfortable them ending up with, if not each other: I think Dazai needs LESS VIOLENCE in his life but if Kunikida can set that aspect aside I think they’d be good together. (I also think Atsushi would be good for Dazai but it needs to be Just So… imbalance in power in a relationship that you sometimes see with mentors and mentees can not always be good for those involved /coughDaAkucough). For Chuuya I’m … not really sure. I think TaChuu is really cute and I’m on the fence about KouChuu? I see Kouyou as more an elder-sister or even Mother figure to Chuuya. based on how Mori was to Dazai since That One Chapter Cover is all we have to go on for Chuuya’s past and I am HERE for that type of interaction 560% and not really romantic-OTP about it. But to be fair she’s only four years his senior and they’d be quite the Power Couple, literally.

My happily ever after for them: They reconcile and talk out whatever it was they did to hurt each other, and recognize that they’re both hecked up but maybe they can be slightly less hecked up together if they try to understand one another instead of just insta-bickering. (They still bicker constantly, of course, but it’s a little more good natured, now.) Also, Chuuya joins Dazai at the ADA, where Fukuzawa can help him have better control of his power. His newfound lack of dependence on Dazai in that regard is one less thing for him to feel resentful over and can help him move past it. (That said I don’t think in any way this would be End Game for BSD and if you want to know my feelings on THAT I’d be happy to oblige — this is just what I think would be a sweet ‘happily ever after’ from where they’ve been.)

003 | Give me a character & I will tell you

Chuuya

How I feel about this character: I think about Chuuya every day and get emotional/angry about him almost as often, I Love Nakahara Chuuya a Lot. (Compared to Dazai’s analysis down below this probably seems really shallow but it’s more like I love Chuuya unconditionally? There’s nothing about his character I dislike.)

All the people I ship romantically with this character: Dazai. And, to much much lesser degrees: Tachihara. I’m not opposed to ChuuAku in any way I just… can’t think on my own what they can do for each other? and haven’t seen much fan work around it. I’m also here for ChuuAtsu but they’ve … never interacted, so.

My non-romantic OTP for this character: KouChuu!! I love Kouyou and I love the potential for family-style shenanigans with Chuuya!

My unpopular opinion about this character: Well, I guess I mentioned it above — I get why people don’t understand why he’s popular. /I/ don’t understand why he’s popular and I love him to hell and back, but — I think he deserves it. He’s spunky, sassy, badass as heck, incredibly well-dressed, appealing and compelling. And he has so much potential.

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon: I want Chuuya’s backstory so badly!

My het ship: I can’t think of one?

My fem/slash ship: Soukoku

My OTP: Still Soukoku!?

My OT3: I could get behind Chuuya/Dazai/Atsushi or Chuuya/Dazai/Akutagawa or honestly all four.

My cross over ship: I don’t really have any but I played with a Tatara from K recently and their interaction was cute…

My kink: ??????????? Chuuya… smiling and…. not getting into a drunken stupor over Dazai????

A head cannon fact: Chuuya is Always Ready to Fight but he actually also likes ‘softer’ things like music and poetry quite well (they pair well with a nice glass of wine, after all). When not on the clock he dabbles in poetry and writing his own song lyrics (that, of course, would come out something like Darkness My Sorrow) and will practice singing them softly to himself, but although he’s not the nervous type he is way too embarrassed for anyone to know about this. It doesn’t fit his Big Bad Mafia image. Dazai is the only one who knows about this even a little bit, as some of their strategies are based on poems he either showed him when they were younger or things they co-wrote together while bored. (Another head-canon, because I’m weak – Chuuya knows his way around make-up, thanks to Kouyou, and because he’s all about looking Great regardless of whether it’s something ‘traditionally’ girly like that flowery hat he saw in the window in BSD Wan! He doesn’t wear makeup much though because he doesn’t think it fits his Big Bad Mafia image either, nor does he think he needs it.)  

My Gender Bend: Again I’m not entirely sure what this question means in this context? Like… is it how I think he’d look if he identified/was assigned another gender? Because I think he’d look… pretty much the same… appearance doesn’t signify gender in most ways… If it’s like, gender bending head canons from what we’re given in the series though I like the nb/transboy head canon for Chuuya, I think that’s a fair analysis in a lot of ways and valuable to explore in fandom/fiction.

Dazai

How I feel about this character: One time @annalaflame made the horrible mistake while we were in the parking lot at the end of the night, about to go our separate ways, of asking me “gin, do you actually like Dazai?” and she got to spend the next forty-five minutes in the front seat of my car as I sat there and explained how I felt about him.

The thing with Dazai is… he’s an asshole. In so many ways. I often compare him to Izaya from Durarara!! — which Haru, I realize that won’t mean much to you, but Izaya is like … he’s irredeemable to me? As a villain I love to hate him, because he’s horrible and manipulative and always seems to get his way but it’s to no end other than his character alignment being Chaotic Asshole.  Dazai, on the other hand…

Dazai is … such a multifaceted character. He’s horrible to people (and animals!) and manipulative and always one step ahead and is honestly, kind of a sociopath. He has no qualms at the idea of horrible things happening to his enemies be it by his hand or that of another, and he doesn’t seem to mind how his awful actions can affect those closest to him and at times even finds it humorous. Notice I didn’t say he doesn’t care — because I think he does, and this is where Dazai is redeemable to me.

I think, for someone so hyper-intelligent, scheming, calculating — Dazai was, and perhaps still is, a little lost. We see this in his lack of self-preservation and suicide mania, both in Dark Era and present, but also in the front he puts on, his bravado. He was something of a loose canon in Dark Era, very dangerous, and OdaSaku (from what I understand, having read summaries and watched the anime but not read the book itself) acted as his conscious and, with his death, became a guiding light leading Dazai towards being a better person by the work he — through a veil of On Brand complaints — now willingly does with the Armed Detective Agency.

Additionally, after the Guild arc, Hirotsu asks Dazai how long he’d been planning for Shin-Soukoku to happen, and Dazai answers from the Very Moment he met Atsushi. How can that be, if Dazai wasn’t acutely aware of exactly how he mis-treated Akutagawa as his now abandoned mentee, if that wasn’t something rather always on his mind? Dazai may not ‘care’ about people in the sense of always wanting to be helpful to them especially if he doesn’t get anything out of it — and in some ways this may be a product of his (lack of) upbringing and environment. But I do think he cares in the sense of perhaps, even retroactively, wanting to do ‘right’ now — and he’s still figuring that out for himself and how he does that. And that’s one of the things I find so compelling about a character that rubbed me such the wrong way at first — he may not be doing a good job, but Dazai is trying, in his own way. This is reinforced by how he treats Atsushi during our protag’s lowest moments of self-loathing and uncertainty, how he speaks to Kyouka when she’s given up, how he confronts Fyodor and defies him even in the face of their maniacally evil similarities. He’s a man that’s been terrible all his life, but is trying to be perhaps not good, but better. [Insert gif of Mal Reynolds from Firefly saying “well, I’m alright.”]

Anyway that got super long because I could go on about him for days, but basically I think Dazai is incredibly fascinating and easily one of the most compelling characters in the series, if you can get past the humor given to his suicide mania. But — even that is something that’s relatable to a number of people, which makes his character that near always has the upper hand in a situation very interesting to watch as he too grows and learns (even if he can be annoying too~).

All the people I ship romantically with this character: Chuuya! Kunikida, Atsushi (sometimes), OdaZai (sometimes)

My non-romantic OTP for this character: DaAku!! (T_T) I want to see them work stuff out. DazAtsu, too, always. Atsushi’s been a good influence on him. Also, the Buraiha trio was so good. (Also… maybe it’s just that I want Yosano to get more development as I keep mentioning her, but… I want to see her interact with Dazai more?)

My unpopular opinion about this character: I think his suicide-mania is important to consider and explore (I want to clarify though that I do hate how flippantly the series treats it, which is probably actually a popular opinion.)

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon: I Really Really Really want the ADA to comment on afore-mentioned suicide-mania in a way that’s actually positive!? Like give this guy a support group, god. Yes, he drives everyone away and they don’t really owe it to him, but come on…

My het ship: I don’t think I really have anyone for Dazai either, actually…

My fem/slash ship: Soukoku?

My OTP: Still Soukoku, to the surprise of absolutely no one.

My OT3: Buraiha trio~

My cross over ship: Jury’s out on this, Dazai’s a hard one.

My kink: ???????????????????????? Actually my one fantasy of fantasies for Dazai was that I wanted to SEE HIM GET TAKEN DOWN A PEG because he was too ‘always right’ but then the manga happened and I DIDN’T WANT TO SEE HIM FALL LIKE THAT…. (Yeah hi I don’t really have ‘kinks’ really just… things I’d derive satisfaction out of seeing in canon RIP)

A head cannon fact: Actually this is sort of more soukoku-related than anything, but when they were kids and Dazai was still trying to figure out what exactly he was missing in order to look for it in order to be interested in continuing to shuffle along this mortal coil, he kind of voiced some of that personal angst to Chuuya while they were hanging out all partnered-up and Chuuya just … didn’t get it. It was not really in Chuuya’s wheelhouse to even consider wanting to die and he didn’t exactly… mock Dazai about it but brushed it off rather rudely without trying to understand it because from his perspective it was ridiculous. Cue ‘bandage-freak’ and ‘suicide maniac!’ insults. And Dazai was, understandably, hurt and insulted. But of course, being who he is he couldn’t show that and laughed it off with bravado as well, but it caused him to sink lower at the time and while he doesn’t really care because his capacity to feel things like that is abnormal, it was the major thing that really sparked some of the visceral resentment for Chuuya he seems to have in canon.

My gender bend: Same confusion on the question as with Chuuya. That said, Emil’s Single Dad AU has SLAYED me and I like their interpretation of trans!Dazai. I’ve also thought about the possibility of perhaps nb Dazai in general, in part because of his personal pronoun? But I don’t have the knowledge of Japanese culture in regard to non-binary genders to really say if that’s a fair analysis, since ‘watashi’ can also just be used when speaking slightly more formally.

004 | BSD + Your Choice

BSD + Fandom of my choice, hmm? I don’t know if these are really ‘crossover OTPs’ so much as just Imagine, If You Will, Come With Me On this Journey…. Chris and Kunikida having to deal with Rayflo and Dazai.

[hawkland]

Destiel fic recs #3 - the (mostly) longfic edition!

It’s been a while since my last rec post - mostly because I’ve been wallowing in a number of longer fics (50-350k!) so it’s taken me a while to have enough to talk about in one post (and boy do I talk a lot, here!)

With these longer fics, I do sometimes have some caveats with my recs - or at least reasons why they might not appeal to every Dean/Cas reader. But note that if I didn’t overall strongly recommend reading the fic I wouldn’t include it in my recs here at all, so any quibbles I bring up are minor compared to my overall enjoyment of the stories. Just, I don’t want someone to commit to a long read without knowing what they’re getting into and why it might not be their thing.

I’m still not into reading complete setting AUs at this time, but a lot/most of these are canon-divergence AUs, often written/set at the end of a season and giving an alternative take on what happened next. I love those kind of stories, as it’s often so interesting to see how fans thought of what might happen in the next season (especially when it’s better than what we actually got.)

Onto the recs & discussion behind the cut!

The Sinking Ship by UnfortunatelyObsessed (114k). This is a story that ripped my heart to pieces (in a good way!). I stayed up all night to finish reading because I simply couldn’t stop once I started on it and it gave me a massive fic hanger from all my emotions. Season 14 divergence, imagine if Dean did go into the Ma’lak box to trap Michael under the ocean with him forever...and once there, he discovers that Cas has stowed away with him. Because of course Cas would never leave Dean to such a fate on his own.

I loved literally. Every. Damn. Thing. About this fic. Cas telling Dean stories to pass the (endless) time. Their small intimate moments while realizing they can never consummate physically while trapped in the box but finding every other way to express their love. The absolute heartbreak that had me SOBBING when Michael fights for control of Dean and destroys everything they’ve built together and Cas thinks he’s lost Dean forever. Sam & Gabriel & Rowena & Claire & Jack doing everything they can to devise a plan back home to try to save them both while keeping Michael trapped. Also even just the wonderfully sensitive portrayal of aroace Jack still closely bonded with Claire and Maggie and just. And just. This is a story I’ve already re-read just to savor how much I loved it and its portrayal of everyone in TFW 2.0 and their extended family, it just hit my id in all the most incredible ways and I have nothing but absolute love for this one.

Beautiful Chaos by anyrei, mugglerock (141k). Season 9 canon-divergence, in which Dean doesn’t simply abandon Cas to fend for himself post 09x03. Instead he sets Cas up in a kind of squatter’s nest in an abandoned building near the bunker so he can keep tabs on him and help him out. 

This fic definitely gets the award for FILTHIEST, HOTTEST, SMUTTIEST Dean/Cas (and Cas/other) I’ve read in, like, ever, for human!Cas turns out to be a rather insatiable sex fiend/cock slut and Dean is too up his own repressed ass to easily give Cas what he wants/needs. It is dark at times, Cas ends up in some very unsavory/non-con situations, and the authors do mention that they tried to hone in on endverse!Cas’s characterization more than what we saw in Season 9...so you might roll with it, you might not. I adored their original character Jerry the tattoo artist in this, and like I said it was seriously hot (if you are good with total bottom!Cas and Cas with others, I know those are not everyone’s cuppa). I did have a few minor issues. For one, the last chapter felt a bit rushed and hand-wavey, but clearly the authors weren’t fond of the canon conflicts of season 9 & 10 (Abbadon, Mark of Cain) and just wanted to be done with them. Can’t say I really blame them. And I did have to laugh a bit at Lebanon, Kansas apparently having such a bustling gay bar/tattoo artist/etc scene being someone from a butt-fuck nowhere American small town myself. But, SPN was never all that realistic in how Lebanon was shown (and yes I’ve spent too much time roaming around it on Google maps), so if you can suspend some disbelief this is an awesome hot/angsty/occasionally heartbreaking read.

These Forsaken Lands by destielpasta (53k). I came upon this story when looking for fics that dealt in some way with the aftermath of Godstiel. This is a wonderfully atmospheric late Season 9 “fill-in” case fic (post Meta-fiction) where Cas ends up in a small town that had been visited by Godstiel...and while initially residents have reaped much good fortune, there has suddenly been a wave of deaths/bad events and he is determined to find out what happened and set things right. He calls upon Dean for help, but Dean is fighting the Mark of Cain and it’s going to take a lot to get past its control and find a way out for both of them. Together they work on repairing an old church while trying to repair each other and their damaged relationship.

I loved this story for how well written it was, really invoking a gothic small-town/Americana atmosphere. The original characters blend in very well with the case-fic at the center of it, and the author deals really well with Cas at a very fragile point when he’s running on borrowed grace and trying to navigate Dean’s MoC-enhanced anger. It’s Dean/Cas but actually much more of a Cas character study, so I highly recommend it to my fellow/compatriot Cas-girls who love a good wallow in his head.

Mixed Emotions by Tierra469 (50k). Canon 12 “parallel” fic that then goes canon-divergent with the season finale. I actually stumbled on this while in the mood to read some Cas/ or & Mary fic after enjoying their interactions in Season 12 (don’t hate me). This is sort of two fics in one. The first half focuses mostly on filling in the gaps with some critical S12 Cas episodes, especially Cas & Mary’s developing friendship (and one night of something more). But of course Cas’s feelings for Dean (and vice-versa) are always there, and when Cas figures out a way to get his powers fully back, the question is if Dean can open himself up to be vulnerable - and express love - the way Cas needs for this to work.

This was an interesting fic in a lot of ways. I loved the author’s take on angels’ connections to their vessels and grace, it was very consistent in a way the show sometimes/often wasn’t. Cas is very Cas in not understanding privacy and personal boundaries (so he does some questionable things, admittedly, which might squick some readers). The smut is fucking HOT - though I will caution at one point it involves Cas temporarily in a younger (NOT underage) female vessel (and the story does point out Dean’s discomfort with this and some of the consent issues involved, I don’t want to spoil too much). I wanted the Mary plot resolved more than it was, but I still recommend this story strongly for the quality of the writing and unique/well-developed take on angel lore and mechanics that was quite different from what I’m used to reading.

We Are Either Here Or Not Here by petramacneary (54k) A post-season 12 fic that goes on a different tangent to how Cas returns, and what happens in the meantime. Particularly, it offers a different take on what apocalypseverse!Cas would be like—as Mary makes her own way back from that world with AU!Cas as her prisoner.

What I loved about this story: first off, BAMF!Mary is awesome here. Dean is so heartbreaking, not quite knowing what the fuck to do with this different Cas who at times is just a painful reminder of who/what Dean’s lost...but then becomes a chance for Dean to say and express some of the things he always was afraid to in the past. And when (real/our) Cas finally returns, there’s some very interesting stuff that happens with both Cas & AU!Cas and Cas & Dean that I don’t want to spoil. (And let’s also just say that when real!Cas and Dean finally get together it’s AMAZINGLY awesome. Like, hot Impala!sex. So is the artwork that goes with this story.)

You Can Keep Holding On by NorthernSparrow (353k) The longest fic I read this time around and probably the one I have the most mixed feelings about, but a while on I do keep thinking about parts of it so I do rec it with some caveats. This is a canon-divergence after the end of Season 11. Dean & Sam find Cas after he’s been blasted out of the bunker...to the bottom of the Grand Canyon. Mary isn’t in this one except for a brief appearance/visit, which Dean thinks is Amara’s gift to him. Life seems good for a while, they’re enjoying dealing with mundane problems for a change, but then Cas seems to be pulling away from the brothers, spending less and less time with them at the bunker, taking a mundane job at another Gas ‘n Sip, and clearly preoccupied by something else. Or is it someone else? Dean is worried yet finally ready to accept that Cas maybe has a girlfriend, or a boyfried, but then it turns out that is not at all what Cas has going on. It’s something far more serious than that.

Honestly I almost stopped reading when the reveal happened - it’s a subject that’s very sensitive to me from personal/family experience and not something I usually like reading in fic (especially if there is a sad ending.) So I admit I jumped ahead to read how it would end first before committing to finishing it. And I am glad I did, because the author handles the subject matter with a realism and obvious knowledge of experience as well, not how I often see it in fanfic. There are a lot of emotional ups and downs but it’s nice seeing Dean in his momma-hen/mode, and Sam is so so good in this one! I think I enjoyed Sam’s characterization here most of all! And the author has a really cool/well developed angel/wing lore that hit my wing-kink pretty hard. I do think it could have all been edited down a bit - I found myself skimming parts, especially in the last third, just to get on with things. But it’s definitely a story you can disappear into for a good long time and I’ve bookmarked the author’s other works to read later, so again, I do rec it even with a few caveats.

A few shorter fics, too, just because I don’t want to forget about them...

Eleven Erogenous Zones of a Fallen Angel by almaasi (15k) Pure gratuitous wing!kink for me :) Cas uses the last of his grace to manifest his wings...but then is stuck with them in his human form and not even able to use them to fly as he used to. This presents a lot of awkward problems to deal with but also the excuse for Dean to help him keep them clean :) I did say wing kink, right? :D :D I loved how Cas seemed confused about the pleasure signals he got from bathing vs. sex vs. grooming and all of that. It’s sweet and hot and has my favorite kind of caretaking Dean in it.

Fossil Tracks by SegaBarrett  (3k). Dean & Sam & Cas and dinosaurs. How can you go wrong with that? One of the SPN stories from the Id Pro Quo collection I really enjoyed reading (and didn’t write myself, lol).