#my whole town is so shit with cats. most of the are outdoor cats

[poorlittlevampire]

there’s this white cat that always comes by my house and it’s so sweet and friendly and like it has a flea collar on and it’s someone’s pet but it is ALWAYS outside and it makes me so sad bc it deserves to be in a good loving home and not with people that keep it outside 24/7 and i wanna adopt it but we can’t bc our cat doesn’t do well with other pets :-( but it really really hurts my heart

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #398

“freedom is just man’s invention, & a soldier is just a slave”

What do you do the most when you’re online? Watch/listen to YouTube. Do you have a bobblehead? No. Have you ever spent your birthday alone? No, that sure would suck. Were you afraid of heights as a child? Actually no, but NOW I kinda am. Have you ever had a lead role in a play? No. Would you ever take a solo road trip? No, that sounds super depressing and lonely. Do the mountains fascinate you? Of course! So much history built into a magnificent, awe-inspiring piece of nature. Have you ever been insulted or called names by a significant other? Wow, no. I wouldn't tolerate that for a second. What’s your favorite movie battle scene? The fight between Simba and Scar is very powerful imo. Have you ever been to a same-sex wedding? No, but not because I'm opposed. I'd love to go to one and be the photographer. What’s your favorite Marvel movie? Probably one of the Spider-Man films. I don't remember which it is, and I don't want to spoil it by explaining what I do recall. Did you have a Walkman when you were a kid? No. What’s the most difficult experience you and a significant other have gone through together? Being long-distance when we really wanted each other's physical comfort. Have you ever attempted to pick a lock? Did you succeed? Yes, because Ashley locked her keys in the car. I don't remember if it worked, actually. Have you done the Bratz doll challenge for YouTube? No. I've seen a couple people do it, though, and it's both cool and creepy. Does the hospital in your town have a good reputation? NOOOOOOOOOOOO. What is your favorite nickname that you’ve had? "Bee" from Megan. Have you ever gotten a professional massage? No. I would be SO uncomfortable. If you had braces, do you wear your retainers still? No. :/ Well, the one you put in, anyone. I have a metal one behind the front row of my bottom teeth. If you had braces, have your teeth moved since you got them off? Yes. Do you know anyone personally who’s lost a child? I know way too many people who have suffered miscarriages. Do you take your medications regularly? Yes. What’s one luxury item you wish you could afford? An actually nice house. What’s your favorite thing to do in a swimming pool? Just kinda casually swim around. Have you ever been abused by a cop? No. What is one thing that you took to show-and-tell as a kid? My Snorlax plushy. Do you remember losing your first tooth? No. In the summer would you rather have the windows down or the A/C on in the car? I strongly prefer A/C. Have you ever been addicted to a game? What game? I had a long-time addiction to World of Warcraft for a couple years or so. I still play it now, but I'm not addicted to it anymore. As a matter of fact I get bored of it easily now. Which was better: the original The Lion King or the sequel? The original, but I love both very much. Do any of your grandparents have a tattoo? I don't know if any did. Do you believe that your pets feel love towards you? Roman, 120%. It is so obvious. Venus, no, as reptiles are literally incapable of experiencing that emotion. I do, however, know she trusts me. Are you proud of your body? FUCK no. Have you ever been rushed to the hospital in an ambulance? No. How do YOU believe the world & universe started? I don't know. I feel like MAYBE there is some sort of ultimate intelligence that formed the universe (maybe prompted the Big Bang, though I've always been dubious of that occurring naturally), but I don't think of this topic frequently at all. Does it really matter, after all? We're here, so just focus on that and live in the now. Have you ever stuck gum under a desk/chair? NO, that shit grosses me the hell out. When shopping at a grocery store, do you return your cart or just leave it? Return your fucking cart, please. It is NOT that difficult. What is one thing you’d never want your parents to find out? Certain places I've, uh, "done" things. When you were little, did you like Dr. Suess books? Yep. I seriously loved Green Eggs and Ham. What would you consider unforgivable? Rape is #1. Would you rather give your food to a homeless shelter or money to charity? Food to a homeless shelter, but I'd love to do both. What was your least favorite year of your life so far? 2016 was a fucking NIGHTMARE. Have you spent money on a game online? On one occasion, I asked if Mom would reactivate my WoW account, and when two expansions came out, I asked if she could buy them. I HATED asking. Thankfully, now, I'm rich enough in the game to pay for the "token" currency, which renews your subscription for a month, so I essentially play for free now. Have you been called a bad influence? Yes. Have any self-done piercings? Noooo. I only trust professionals. Ever pierced someone else? Again, no. Leave it to professionals, as well as someone without tremors. If you had a child with down’s syndrome, would you keep him/her? IF I wanted kids, of course I would. It really, REALLY bothers me when DS is the reason behind abortion. Mind you, I am pro-choice, but come on... Don't treat down's syndrome children as a curse. If someone tried to murder your child, do you think it would be wrong to expose them publicly and talk about it on social media? Of fucking course I would. I'd damn that person to hell myself. Is there a toxic person that you miss? I sometimes miss Colleen. Are you still contemplating going back to someone you shouldn’t? With Jason, yes. If he actually wanted me back (that will never happen, but anyway), I fear I'd say yes and probably would, realistically. When was the last time you had a new crush? When I realized I was bisexual. Do you want Jesus to come back soon? Back when I was a Christian, I was terrified of Judgment Day. I don't believe in it now. What is something you can’t wear because of your body type? I COULD wear whatever the hell I wanted, but I refuse to wear crop tops or strapless tops (or strapless bras). Oh, and thongs. No thanks. If you have curves, do you like them? I'm not curvy naturally, I'm just fat. Have you ever worn matching pajamas with someone? No, but that'd be cute. Has anyone ever mistaken you for being anorexic? No way. What fast food place do you avoid at all costs? Arby's, to name one. Are you afraid of deep sea creatures? Yes, especially giant squid. Have you ever agreed to purchase something on Ebay and got scammed somehow? Ugh, I got Ico THREE TIMES and they were ALL broken; they'd freeze in the first few minutes. Has anybody ever given you a promise ring? No. What is your favorite kind of cake? Red velvet. Honestly, have you ever eaten raw cookie dough? Yeah, multiple times. Were you outdoors or indoors more as a kid? I'd say it was a split down the middle. Have you ever had a relationship that began via text? Jason, Tyler, Juan, and Sara all began over text. Girt asked me out over Facebook Messenger. Do you think sloths are cute or ugly? They're cuties! What eyeshadow suits you best? I only wear black eyeshadow. Do you watch the show Wizards of Waverly Place? I did as a kid and really liked it. Have you ever been to the rainforest? No. I don't think I could handle the humidity, though I'd love to see all the beautiful wonders. Are you a member of any clubs? No. Would you shave your head with a friend who had cancer? If it was someone I was very close to and they were extremely self-conscious about it, I'd probably be willing to get very short hair, but I don't think I could handle no hair at all. How did you meet your pet? Roman was one of the kittens of Ashley's mother-in-law's cats. She has way too many cats and needed to get rid of the kittens, and I'd been wanting one like mad. I found Venus via the online reptile-selling hub called Morph Market, and I became VERY interested in the many, many ball python morphs, and when I saw her, I immediately knew that was my baby. Did/Do you have any PEZ dispensers? I did as a kiddo. What are some of the phrases in your personal ‘bingo’ card? "Mood," "can't relate," "hi, how are ya," "jinkies," "yikes," "oof," shit like that. Have you ever been through a trap door? No. Do/did you have to wear a uniform to your high school? No, only middle school. How many video games do you own? A whole lot. Have you ever visited a sex shop? No. Have you ever ridden a bicycle through a busy city? No, I'd be very scared to. Do you use Instagram? How often do you post there? I have two for my varying photography subjects. I post very rarely on both. Have you ever had a scary encounter with a wild animal? I have not.

[writing-without-time]

memento mori

memento mori. a latin phrase, meaning “remember you will die.”

imagine impulsively hosting a game of mafia with @crispy-saur @resident-of-the-mind-palace @theonlyrealerin and @tentenrightsactivist then you get so into the story you made Erin starts drawing it and you and Ash start writing it oh wait

A murder runs rampant in Meteora. That’s the one thing anyone is certain of. Of course, all Mariam is certain of is protecting her wife and kids, and Ash is concerned for Erin, and Lima is concerned about how she’s gonna protect everyone. Bre’s only worried for her mother and siblings, and Erin.. Erin’s been quiet,  lately. 

It’s a fine evening, but clouded by the worry and town’s incredibly low morale. Erin, Ash, and Mariam sit together at a cafe, an outdoor table. Mariam drinking tea like no tomorrow, and Erin staring worriedly at the sky. But then she looks back down to see Mariam finishing off another cup of tea.

“That’s like, your fifth one.” Erin comments. 

Mariam sighs as she sets the cup down. “I know.. I’m just so worried! My family is here…” She stares down into the cup quietly. “There’s a murderer in our home..” Erin winces. 

“I understand your concern, Mar.” Ash says, setting a hand on her shoulder. “Rest assured, I’m getting to the bottom of this. Tonight..you don’t mind if I borrow Bre to help me out a bit, do ya?” 

“But…” Mar frets. “...I suppose, it’s part of her duty. Okay.” She sighs as Ash removes his hand from her shoulder.

Erin looks back up at the sky. “I’m worried...there’s a big storm coming.” Ash and Mariam also glance up, and find the storm clouds above them to be a dark, dark grey. 

“It’ll be alright, I’m sure.” Ash says. “Storms happen all the time. We might wanna get heading back though.. Start pouring any second now.” He stands from his chair. Erin and Mariam follow suit, though Erin reluctantly. 

“I suppose you’re right..” Erin sighs.

“Get some sleep, okay?” Ash says. “You’ve been off lately.” Erin nods as Ash turns to Mariam. “And go spend some time with your wife. It’ll all be over soon.” Mariam nods as well. 

The three bid farewell and part ways to their homes.  

.

In the night, Mariam shoots awake in her bed, frightened by a nightmare, one of her poor wife crying over her corpse. In a shaken, panicked state she writes a letter to her wife, and leaves it on the kitchen counter. She leaves her house, yet her vision is clouded by tears. So clouded by tears, she doesn’t notice the car heading towards her as she crosses the road. Nor the oh-so familiar driver, and she only notices when she is hit, but then her body is thrown over the hood and tumbles over the back side of the car. And she’s left there, rasping for breath in the road as the vehicle speeds away. 

“Kenzie…” She breathes. Then the world turns a bit darker than she had ever known.

Across town, Ash and Bre sat in a different car, headed towards Erin’s house.

“Are you sure we should investigate?” Ash asks, hands at firm, tense and uncomfortable ten and two at the wheel. 

“Yes.” Bre sighs. “Don’t be biased. You’re gonna risk an investigation because you like Erin, or something? Eliminate her as a suspect now, and it’s fine and over with.” She sets her head against the window, any sight two feet past the car a bit hard to see due to all the raindrops. That storm had long passed but the rain persisted.  Ash doesn’t respond, and keeps quiet even as the car parks and the doors slam as they leave in front of Erin’s house. 

She isn’t home, that’s clear evidenced by her car being gone. Yet the lights are on and the door is swinging open in the wind… odd. “Don’t tell me..” Ash breathes.

Bre elbows him. “Erin’s strong. I doubt it.” She walks in unafraid as Ash follows, and heads to the kitchen, where on a counter, her and Ash both find a single, bloodied kitchen knife. The sink mirrors it, seemingly stained orange from the countless and countless washes. 

“...Well, fuck.” Bre sighs. 

“..No.” Ash says simply. “This is planted. Obviously, see? The door was open.. And she’s not home..” Ash runs a hand through his hair. 

Bre sighs, and mutters something along the lines of ‘clouded mind, foolish man.’ “...If you’re gonna insist. But I’m telling you. Something is not right.”

“...Whatever. We’re getting out of here.” Ash says, walking out of the house briskly. Bre sighs and follows. 

.

You could say most of the town was woken not by a rooster, but a screaming woman, and any detective to rush to find out what the fuck woke him up at 7AM, would find Kenzie, now widowed, crying over her wife’s corpse. So of course, a memorial is held for Mariam as quickly as possibly, and Ash addresses the town with guilt on his back as he talks of how he will catch this murderer soon. But Meteora was such a small town, turned so small it was more like five people and three cats at this point. And the day goes by, silent and quiet, the sky still raining down. Crying, maybe, just like Mariam’s daughters, sons, wife and friends. And it’s a slow, dreadfully long day until nightfall. 

And when night comes, Doctor Lima stands in her home, eyes rolling along the childhood photos that lined her home as she walked through it. She had chosen to go and protect someone, maybe Erin tonight, start putting a stop to this fucking maddness if Ash won’t. But as she observes the pictures of her infancy she feels the hair on her neck stand. And she turns to find nothing, but the paranoia screams in her ears. 

“Maybe I should just go to bed.” She tells herself, walking into her bedroom where in it a picture of her abroad lover stood on a night stand. And in the reflection she saw not only a doctor. A strong willed girl with a fuckin’ PhD, but behind that a murderer. And as she spins to confront them, she’s grabbed and her neck is slashed. Maybe not slashed elegantly, or in the most effective way..but surely she would die soon. And she hits the floor as spots appear in her vision and her friend and foe walks away. 

“Erin…” She rasps, everything around her slowly starting to fade.

And Lima thinks she’s dead, but she hears footsteps. Two sets of them, coming back after who knows how much time has passed. And she can’t really make anything out, it’s all blurry and fading, so all she can do is rasp Erin’s name once more as she slips away. Now gone into whatever afterlife the doctor believed in.

“Holy shit.” Ash says, looking down at the doctor who just passed in front of him. 

Bre sighs. “Look who was right. Now what are you gonna do? She’s got over 5 or 6 people on her hands.” 

Ash sighs. And a tear hits the ground before he mutters, “We have to execute her.”

.

The next time Ash and Erin see each other is long after a brief, unprofessional town trial. Almost unfair when the whole town wants someone to blame. But the next time Ash relives his realization, his grief, he learns all over again someone he loves murdered his friends, is when he stares Erin in the eye, Erin standing at the gallows.

Erin dons white clothing, almost pathetically loose and doesn’t even fight against the rope that binds her hands together behind her backs. She knows she’s caught. It’s too late. Distraught and shame overcame Ash as Erin stared at the floor that would soon collapse under her feet. 

“Before your town, your lover, and your god, do you have any final words?” Bre asks her, no effort to hide how repulsed she is by the person who murdered her mother and friends. 

Erin raises her head to look at Ash, who stood closer to the platform than anyone else. “Ash..I love you. Always. I did this for you.” She smiles bitterly as tears trace her cheeks. And Ash is forced to watch as Bre cranks back the lever with all the might in her body, the floor drops, and Erin’s neck gives a loud, horrid snap that makes Ash wince. 

Bre is unphased, muttering a simple “Mors tua, vita mea” Your death, my life.

Ash feels the tears that trail his skin, and his shaking hands as he watches his lover dangle by a snapped neck and piece of rope. But he feels numb, cold, almost dead himself as his lover sat pale. Those left of the town scream in joy at the sight, yet all Ash can find himself to do is mutter a simple, “Aeternum vale.”

Forever farwell.

[fuwafuwamedb]

Mr. Phone Sex Man (GIL POV) (Hakuno, Gilgamesh)

Enkidu was sneaking out of work again.

Not that he blamed the being, he’d sneak out too if he had a woman like Shamhat waiting at home for him. He hadn’t missed the way that the being had looked at their phone. He hadn’t missed the way that the being had been murmuring to someone while heading to the usual closet to hide in.

They’d been ready to leave the moment they had arrived and now, with clearing their schedule, they were heading home.

He smirked though, dialing Enkidu’s number onto his new phone and holding the phone to his ear.

The moment that they answered-

“What are you doing right now?”

He said it more like a sex caller, just for laughs.

What sounded like a large cat growled nearby on the other end, making him stop. A female’s voice answered him.

“I’m looking at a great beast,” a droll voice told him. “He has the most majectic mane I’ve ever seen, a great strong jawline, and I’ve seen him tear apart countless enemies and devour them.”

Well…

Sitting down at his desk, Gilgamesh found himself smirking a little.

The woman didn’t give two shits about this being a possible sex call. How interesting.

“Oh?” He asked.

“He has the greatest body, all muscle with great claws that I’ve attended to personally.”

“You did?”

“Mhmm. Utu appreciates being attended to. He’s a good lion.”

The name had him laughing. That was a name he hadn’t expected. Didn’t most people name their lions dreadfully boring names these days? Or after countries where lions live?

Utu though.

And she sounded so darn proud of her beast on that end of the line.

Probably a zookeeper. What strange luck I have.

“Tell me of his teeth,” he insisted.

“Oh, great chompers,” she praised. “Although he’s no good at holding the toothbrush. Talk about a fault. The beast has no idea how to hold his toothbrush. Don’t get me started on his catnip.”

“He’s an addict then?”

“Terrible addict.”

Her lion grumbled near her, loud enough to be heard on his end.

“You should see this oversized housecat,” the woman told him, “already begging me for his fix like I’m some kind of dealer. He wants to roll in the ‘nip all day. I bet he wants a box too. Expecting me to provide him a shelter from the outdoors just so he can tear the walls down.”

“Dreadful,” he leaned back, watching a few of his accountants arguing with his secretary to see him. He waved them off, needing another minute.

This wrong number had gotten interesting.

“The worst. Thank the gods this beast knows I’m a sucker for assholes.”

Obvious she was a sucker for assholes. She was remaining on the line with him, someone regarded by many, including that of Camelot Enterprises, as the largest asshole in all the land. Of course, that could have been because he was cutthroat with his Uruk Incorporated.

He made most believe him to be an actual god.

“How sad,” he purred. His eyes were following after the accountants now rushing around Siduri. He didn’t have long to tease this woman. “I’m sure your family must be disappointed. I’m afraid I cannot relate.”

“Says the man who calls during the middle of the day to do what? Have phone sex?”

So she did think it of him? He snorted.

“Absolutely not. I’m simply calling to have a conversation about a catnip addicted, desperate lion with majestic manes and grooming habits attended to by a rather average sounding woman.”

She’d hang up and sob. She’d get pissy. She’d-

But the woman on the other end all but purred her next words to him, having him pause.

“If you flirt with me any harder, I may come right here in the lion exhibit.”

“Climaxing at work,“ he started.

“Don’t give me that, Mr. Sex Voice. A woman has to be able to finish her workday.”

She hung up on him.

Well…

If she desired to finish her work day, then fine.

He made note to recall in the evening.

His roar sent the accountants back out of his office. His temper at Enkidu leaving him the work with the marketing team for the weekend had all of the interns quivering.

There’d be no games this weekend.

They had merchandise to sell.

It was later, looking out at the glimmering lights of the city, that Gilgamesh found himself dialing her number again.

“Hello?”

The voice sounded almost tired.

“Ah,” he purred, “my Lion Tamer answers.”

“Mr. Sex Voice again. Did my first taunting not work?”

Sex Voice? That was a new one. Then again, so was calling a woman back without ever meeting her. He settled himself upon his throne of a seat near the window, loosening his golden robes and listening to that oddly melodious voice.

Had it been like that earlier? Perhaps he had been too busy to notice.

“I was so amused I decided to subject myself to another round of your banter,” he told her simply. “How were the lions? All limbs still in place?”

Tell me you’re deformed, he thought. Tell me how the lions have stolen a finger or arm. He could be vain.

“I was licked to death after I hung up. Utu was incredibly jealous that I was spending so much time talking to you. He insisted to remove the memory of you from my mind. It almost worked too. Damn, you should have seen him in that catnip.”

He smiled despite himself, trying to cover his grin with a hand, “You gave him the catnip?”

“The whole container,” his woman told him. “The lion was higher than a kite.”

What a shameful woman, he thought. “What kind of zookeeper are you?”

“I’m a vet.”

Impressive.

He had seen a vet before. In fact, he had one on retainer, usually coming for his pure bred that was currently fluffed and stretched out upon his bed.

A vet for large animals though- “Ah,” he told her. “wanted to get paid?”

“I appreciate having money in my pocket sometimes.” She was doing something on her end of the line. It sounded like she was cooking. “But Mr. Sex Voice, I don’t believe you got any work done. It sounded like you were jacking off to my talk about Utu.”

“I was thinking about some average looking woman actually,” he told her. “I was imagining her slammed against my office desk and moaning loud enough for the secretary to hear.”

“An office grunty, does your boss know that you’re jacking off in your cubicle.”

Oh if she could see his office.

He’d seen mightier women than her fall.

He could easily pay her salary for a decade with his month’s salary. The very thought had him laughing a bit.

The ignorant could say such amusing things.

“Woman, there is no boss. I am the leader of this company.”

“I hear compensation from your end,” she sang.

He choked on the wine he had picked up and sipped at.

“I assure you,” he growled, “nothing lacks in my regard.”

She was humming skeptically.

Was this truly a vet or merely Enkidu having a go at him?

He looked around at his place again, noting that his home computer had a message on it from Enkidu. The being was trying to video call him right now. He would need to answer that at some point soon.

Then again, the being had left him for Shamhat.

“So,” he went on with his sultry voiced vet. “What are your plans this evening, Ms. Lion Doctor?”

“Entertaining a very bored man sitting in his tiny apartment.”

“I’m sitting at home, actually.”

He gestured, as though she could see him.

“Home alone on a Friday night. You poor thing,” she lamented sarcastically. “Are your usual strippers taken? It’s so sad. I feel like you’ve got all the best strippers in town on speed dial.”

“Oh, but then I’d have your number,” he countered.

“I don’t know how to tell you this, but you do have my number.”

Shit. She was right about that.

He wondered if she’d be so sarcastic while sucking him off on her knees in his place though. He laughed at the mental image of two gleaming eyes glinting in amusement. He could almost imagine some plain woman on her knees before him.

She’d definitely be a plain thing. The more beautiful they were, the more sensitive and unwilling to trade barbs with him like this they were.

“What does a vet do on a Friday night?”

“Dinner dates as a third wheel, Karaoke with noise cancelling headphones firmly in place, quiet nights drinking wine and eating cheese on the couch.”

Boring.

Try again, he thought.

“Virgin,” escaped his lips.

“Says the phone sex man.” The sound of a television was coming on over on her end of the line. “It would seem I need to go.”

“Date?”

He’d find her and make the man broke.

“Dead phone. Apparently, technology says you’ll have to just imagine me taunting you until you cum.”

Oh, he had to call back now.

“I will call back,” he vowed.

She hung up again.

He looked out at the city and thought about her for a long time. He closed his eyes, ignoring his computers and his devices so that he could think about how much he had enjoyed her breaking up of the monotony.

There was nothing that fun in his life right now.

Things were always contained, straightforward. They lacked a zest that this woman seemed to have so easily thrown over him.

He’d call her back in the morning.

The morning had him running into his office again though, listening to the marketing team describe the fragrance and show him a meek looking model.

“Pathetic.”

He watched them defend their slogans, arguing that it would be effective, but it didn’t have the bite it needed.

It wasn’t arrogant and bold.

A smell for the senses?

Scents that made sense?

He could have had Enkidu come up with something better in an instant.

The being wasn’t answering their phone though. They were taking the weekend off, according to Siduri.

Perhaps he should have answered those video calls.

He threw the things from his desk, sitting atop it and looking out at his view, dialing the only number that would calm him now.

“Good morning, Sex Voice.”

He held onto his desk, barely keeping himself contained. “Already awake?” he asked.

“Back with Utu. He seduced me greatly so I’m back in his habitat, trimming claws and checking bloodwork.” She cooed towards Utu a moment, a sound that made him loosen his grip on the desk underneath him. “I’m sure a man like you would not know of Saturday shifts.”

“I’m sitting, annoyed, in my office.”

He didn’t need to tell her that.

However, saying it aloud made him feel the fool. It had him actually sitting down properly at his desk now, calming as the woman on the other end of the line clicked her tongue at him.

“Ooh, did one of the interns learn that you have phone sex while they’re working?”

She had him chuckling with that. “Actually, we’re working on a marketing proposal.”

One that was going to be immediately destroyed when he was done with this call.

Screw the branding nonsense. He had no need for this marketing idea.

The woman hummed at him though.

“You seem very focused,” he told her. “No catnip for Utu today?”

“I thought about it,” she told him. “But you know how addicts are. Sometimes you have to ween them off. You have to make them face reality. Hitting me up for a fix won’t fix things. Besides, Utu has a musk to him that should be left alone, free of catnip and whatever else he rolls in.”

“Oh yeah?”

“Oh yeah. He’s a king, after all.” Gilgamesh held his breath as he heard her next words. “A king should always smell like a woman’s next meal.”

His eyes went to the slogans that the interns had come up with.

A king should always smell…

He was laughing.

What was it about this woman, he marveled, scribbling down her words. “I  might use that,” he warned.

“What? That kings smell like a woman’s next meal?”

“Yes. It beats the marketing team.”

“Mhmm. Are you going to drape yourself over a chair and hold the bottle in hand, letting your hair be a bit unkempt to show that you’re both capable of ruling and getting down and dirty?”

“…Want a second job?”

He’d hire her in an instant, letting her pick her own benefits and salary start. With the sarcasm and wittiness she showed, she’d have an instant talent for his marketing team. Siduri would love her. Endlessly.

 “Cheer up, Phone Sex,” she told him, ignoring his offer like the strange mystery goddess that she was. “You sound more upset than Utu is about his ‘nip.”

He had his slogan and instructions written out and leaving his office with Siduri. He turned, sitting on his couch in his office and talking to her longer.

He called her again that night.

“Nothing on a Saturday night?” he asked, grinning in pleasure at the woman’s availability to him. She was his, wholly.

He was good at acquisitions too.

He ate his fine meal, stroking at his cat, Ninsun’s, head and listening to the woman tease him.

He called again from the gym, delighting in her quips about his strength while he warmed up and prepared to meet and wrestle with Enkidu.

He called her again in a traffic jam, letting her voice pour over him like the finest of wine.

Again and again.

Siduri dialed her up for him after a tense meeting, simply closing his door and directing his staff away.

She complained of monkeys that refused their medications.

She doted on Utu over the phone to him.

She just-

He stared out at the heavens as he stood in his condo and stroked Ninsun’s fur, listening to the woman yawn loudly.

“I’m falling asleep, Mr. Phone Sex,” she confessed.

“Dream of me then, Lion Girl.”

He could almost hear her smile on the other end of the line before the call ended.

His lips pressed to the dark fur of his Ninsun’s head, finding himself calmer than he had ever been before.

He’d have to find his Lion Tamer soon.

He’d have to bring her home.

[amazable01]

Mr. Sanders Neighborhood

Collab with @theobsessor1!

Note: THE LONG AWAITED NEIGHBORHOOD AU IS HEREEEEEEEEEEEE!! I’m so excited, you guys, you don’t even know.

Link to AO3 is here

Logan lived in a quiet town, where extraordinary things never happened, and he’s always been fine with that. Today is peaceful as it is every day, so… why does today feel different?

He had awoken at the usual time of 6am, ate a healthy breakfast and began on chores. Logan had the whole house swept, mopped and vacuumed by 8, planning to get to laundry once he fetches the mail just like every Saturday Morning.

Logan puts the vacuum back in the closet before heading out the front door. He blinks almost owlishly, stepping outside to hear singing.

The source of the sound comes from his right, another man that looks like the stereotypical Prince Charming from children's fairy-tales. The outfit they wear further affirms the idea. It may even be contributing to making him look even stranger as he continues to sing to the birds sitting in a nearby tree.

The man looks over, spotting Logan watching him in bewilderment. He greets him with an enthusiastic wave and a bright smile as if his behaviour is perfectly normal.

Before Logan can process any of this, the gentleman is striding over to him. The princely figure introduces himself with a small bow. “Hello fine sir! I’m sure I need no introduction as you must know who I am already.” The stranger places a hand to his chest with a flourish, his tone dramatic. “I must apologize on mine own behalf for not coming to greet you sooner, but I have been busy redecorating the insides of my new home.”

Noting that the stranger has SOME form of manners, however odd he seems to act, Logan tries to remain polite, despite the fact he would rather hide in his house and avoid the odd person. “I believe you are mistaken, as I do not know who you are-”

The stranger promptly interrupts Logan, a string of offended noises escaping his lips “You don’t know who I am?! I am Roman Charming!” Making a dramatic pose as if that’s supposed to help jog Logan’s memory, Roman gives him a waiting glance.

Logan quickly shakes his head. “Sorry, I’ve never heard of you before. Are you some kind of... children’s entertainer?” He gestures towards Roman’s royal attire, expecting that to be the answer as to why he was dressed in such unusual garb.

“What?!” Roman appears even more offended and agitated than when Logan admitted he didn’t know the man, “I will have you know that I am ROYALTY, you peasant!”

This guy is clearly mental! Logan raised his hands, trying to come off non-threatening, fearful the man would grow angry. Knowing how strange he was acting, there is no telling what he might do. “I do apologize for the mistake, sir. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have chores to finish.” Leaving his mail to sit in the mailbox, Logan hastily enters the safety of his home before the other could protest. Carefully making sure to lock the door, he breathes a sigh of relief, thankful to be away from the insanity outside.

Maybe if I’m careful, I don’t have to face any more of that ridiculousness, Logan muses.

Despite his best efforts, however, Logan might as well give up trying to avoid Roman. The man must be used to getting lots of attention, and seeing as there isn’t anyone else in the neighborhood other than them, Roman would often attempt to seek it out from Logan, much to the annoyance of the latter.

--------------------

Logan huffs with annoyance. Roman had followed him to work several times now, often talking about nonsensical things and being an overall distraction. And a nuisance, to top that. Logan had been contemplating kicking him out, when Roman wandered off into the bookshelves. Deep within the novels and biographies, lies an oasis of imagination and naivety. The children’s section.

Taking advantage of the moment of reprieve, Logan begins putting away some of the returned books. He hadn’t realized how long Roman had been gone until he realized that most of the books had been return to their places, and only a few remained on the return cart.

In his peripheral vision, as he puts another book back in place, he notices the manager heading off towards the children’s section. Logan doesn’t think twice of it as he continues working. She is the owner of the place, after all. Seeing her check up on things was nor-Shit!

Roman was still in there! She would likely not take too kindly to his strange delusions, nor would Roman take how she would react very well.

Making haste, Logan races off to the children’s section. He looks around, scanning the area.

The ceiling had been repainted into a bright blue, the walls depicting a forest that supposedly surrounded the kids as they played. Bookshelves were designed to look like trees sprouting with knowledge. A playset sits in the corner, a child-sized tower that could be climbed and played around. The tower was connected to the reading room, which was painted to look like a gigantic castle, where activities would often be held. A glass doorway across from the reading room lead to a outdoor garden, where stepping stones and benches often held older children finishing up a book, or younger kids enjoying the sun. A dragon statue laid outside, as well, to bring the inside theme into the garden.

All personal opinions aside, it had become a good place for children to stay, compared to the dark wood and clean counters of the normal library outside.

Logan spots the manager watching Roman. She doesn't look at all like he was expecting. Hesitantly he stands next to her, copying her as they watch Roman.

Roman is sitting by the child-sized tower, the children scattered around him in awe as he reads, no, dramatically acts out the story. A couple times he purposefully played the scene wrong, and with laughter the children would correct him as he feigned ignorance.

As Roman finishes up the book, Logan hears the manager hum in thought before walking over to Roman and pulling him aside to talk.

Logan quickly followed, hoping to keep the peace if things were to start escalating, only to freeze as she proposed something to Roman.

“I would be delighted!” Roman cheers, before turning to Logan, beaming. “I get to work with you now! How about that!”

Logan felt his brain shutting down. “...what?”

“I get to keep the little gremlins occupied while their guardians get their business done here! Isn’t that spectacular news?!”

“I believe I might require some air.”

Leaving the two before they could respond, Logan exits the children’s section and the library. He uses an arm to lean against the wall, taking some much needed deep breaths.

Not only did he have Roman as his neighbor, but now he was stuck working with him, too!

-------------------------------------

Roman believed he was royalty. And not just any royalty, but the child of Cinderella, someone who didn’t exist to begin with.

He’d searched everywhere for the so called “Storybrooke” that Roman claimed to have originated from, and it didn’t exist either!

Footsteps sound close by, but Logan hardly notices them. There’s a much more important problem right now.

Did a Roman Charming even exist?! Who was he?! Where did he come from?! Why did he appear out of nowhere?!

A hand places itself softly on Logan’s shoulder. He mutters to himself as he turns, still caught up in his thoughts.

Roman jolts back, removing his hand like he had been burned. He looked bewilderedly at his hand, before shaking his head and turning his attention back on Logan, concerned.

“Are you alright? You seemed a bit upset when you left the library.”

Logan runs a hand through his hair, an anxious mess. “To be honest? No. I am not alright.” He points at Roman “The world apparently thinks it would be hilarious to ruin my perfect life with some neighbor who has delusions of being a nonexistent character! You’re CONSTANTLY harassing me for attention, and now I have to share my WORKSPACE with you?!?!” Logan pinched the bridge of his nose, trying to bring his emotions back in check. “You don’t exist on ANY sites...h-how can I be sure your not some escaped convict, or madman?”

Roman tilts his head contemplatively, his eyes saddened. “I guess there really is no way of knowing if I am a madman, since I technically don’t exist outside of home... I sometimes forget that.” He continues, sighing softly.  “Even so, that is no excuse for my behavior. I am a prince, and I should act like one. I do tend to enjoy your company, however, so I hope you can forgive me, or we can start all of this over again.”

Logan just knew he was going to regret this decision in the future, and yet... seeing the sincere expression on Roman’s face had made him feel more than a little guilty

With an exasperated sigh, Logan sealed his fate. “You're forgiven, just… I sometime need my own space, and for the love of all things celestial, PLEASE tone down your dramatics.”

“Of course! I’ll make sure to be more considerate with both of those things!” He pauses. “Does...  does this mean I should decline working here?”

“No, it’s fine. As long as you don’t distract me while I’m working, I’m fine with it.”

“Yes! Work buddies!”

Logan might as well have lost his mind for what he just agreed to. Thankfully, the rest of the neighborhood will most likely fill with normal people to save his sanity.

After all, things couldn't get any weirder...

Right?

Taglist under cut

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[hvndcvffed]

“ let me just –– can you –– uh. ”  grizz clears his throat and raises a finger. because this? oh, boy. stomaching this shit without laughing mandates a breather.  “ hold that thought for a moment while i collect myself. s’been quite the day and i want to give you my undivided attention. ”

or, alternatively :  yo yo yo, party people ! guess who finally made it ?  i’m lev / linc ( she/her/hers ) , comin’ atchu from the ever so lovely est timezone with ya boy, the tru ledge, grizz visser! click on that read more to read some headcanons i’ve got goin’ for west ham’s resident handcuff-owning, intellectual beb !

[   g    r   i   z    z        v    i     s     s     e    r    ––    B O Y   O N   F I R E .

✔ ┊❝ ( nick robinson. 18. he/him &. cismale ) rumor around town is that gareth “grizz” visser was on one of the buses that left for the field trip. they’re the eighteen year old that resides in new ham. over the summer news spread that he purposely botched his chances to win a football scholarship to a local uni because he applied to several ivies behind his parents’ backs, but who knows if that’s true or not? what we do know is that their friends describe them as well-read & piquant, but who knows when they’re known to be elusive & misanthropé from time to time. 

( &&. general information )

full name: gareth visser

nickname(s) or alias: grizz

preferred name: grizz –– call him gareth and he will... not be happy.

current age: eighteen

astrological sign: leo

gender: cismale

preferred pronouns: he/him

sexual preference: homosexual ( but closeted )

romantic preference: demiromantic

home environment: a quaint three-bed / two-bath house with his parents. a positive, almost sickeningly sweet home: family portraits all over the place, cheesy “ home is where the heart is ” décor all around from his mother’s many trips to pier 1 imports.

current occupation: student, student athlete.

language(s) spoken: english, french, a tad of latin. wants to learn more hebrew, but that shit is complicated as heck.

native language: english.

current relationship status: single.

( &&. background )

reason behind name: y’know, he’s asked his parents this countless times. why gareth? why. gareth. and each time he’s just gotten the same vague response: they liked it. it sounded respectable. ack.

birth order: only child.

ethnicity: american. west ham born & raised, baby!

nationality: american.

religion: agnostic. goes to church with his mother as a way to keep the peace, but... the idea of a god out there saying homosexuality’s a sin gives him a bad taste in his mouth. he’d rather discount his whole existence and uphold morality than accept that there’s a bigoted big guy in the sky. sees the bible more as a literary exercise to instill human value. did jesus really walk on water? heck no. but it makes a good fable.

political views: very, very liberal. doesn’t subscribe to labels, but as close to democratic socialist as you can get in this country without causing riots. anti-brexit. anti-trump. anti-bullshit, basically. maybe socialism or communism done right wouldn’t be a terrible idea.

financial status: very, very comfortable. his parents earn well and know how to save / spend frugally. the vissers are modest in living so they can pour more into experience. for grizz’s twelfth birthday, his parents took him hiking through the adirondacks. they’ve gone on some awesome trips together, and most of their vacations include some aspect of super cool nature. unbeknownst to grizz, his parents’ planned grad gift for him was a month-long backpacking tour through new zealand.

hometown: west ham, connecticut. cool beans.

level of education: high school senior. but he’s one of the learned folk: ap literature on lock. he took some college courses at the local community college last summer, because his job as a summer camp counselor wasn’t exactly intellectually stimulating. leading kids on hikes is fun ‘n all, but... not as engaging as college-level philosophy.

( &&. physical appearance )

looks like (or face claim, if applicable): nick robinson. with longer hair. reference [ here ] . 

height: 6′0 ( jack’s shorter, but nick’s my main fc i’m workin’ with so i decide to bump it up. plus, height? football? makes sense. )

weight: 158 lbs

shoe size: 10.5

figure/build: athletic build. muscular. broad shoulders, lean waist.

hair colour: deep, deep brown. almost black. natural.

hair length: about jaw-length. curly. ( REFERENCE. )

eye colour: brown with an overlay of hazel-y jade-green. his campers over the summer compared his eyes to moss a lot. it kinda felt badass. “moss boss” had a ring to it.

glasses?: nope. 20/20 vision. but he’s been known to steal friends’ glasses sometimes, just for funsies.

skin tone: light, but not necessarily pale – spends a lot of time outdoors. no freckles.

tattoos: none, yet. would love to get a quote from walden. or a pine tree, if it wasn’t so cliche.

piercings: none. but getting an ear pierced has always intrigued him.

birthmarks/scars/distinguishing marks: some miscellaneous scars on his hands from whittling incidents growing up. a faint line across his arm from stitches, when he broke it in the peewee football league in fifth grade. 

dominant hand: left-handed, but very recently learned he’s marginally ambidextrous for important tasks.

if painted, what color are their nails?: never painted. he keeps them short.

usual style of clothing: letterman jacket. jeans. tall socks, boots. pants tucked into socks, because why the hell not? flannels, hoodies, utility jackets layered over plain white tees. pendant necklaces, leather bracelets. occasionally he’ll wear a statement button-downs that looks like your grandmother’s upholstery, but somehow it’ll work really well. varsity t-shirts. hats of all varieties. if he could, he’d showcase some edgier styles. but he’s paranoid. he’s got a stanford hoodie buried in his closet. and a yale one, too.

frequently worn jewelry:  leather bracelets. a silver ring strung on a chain, engraved with “ for sylvie, with love ”. he found it on a hike, and... figured he’d be sylvie for a day, or something.

describe their voice, what accent?:  he has a light, gentle voice. a soft autumn breeze. laced with some gravel. strong, resolute. kind.

what is their speaking style (fast, monotone, loquacious)?: often speaks slowly, surely. not always keen to fill silences. but words are some of his favorite devices of deflection. if he’s unsure, he’ll cut himself off, leading to some choppy and hard to follow sentences. he very rarely mumbles. not afraid to speak eloquently, but will certainly match his speaking style to those he’s around, to an extent. rarely seems bothered. he masks it well.

describe their scent: amber, sandalwood, musk. vague hints of cinnamon. 

describe their posture: grizz holds himself proudly. shoulders broad, chin up, chest open. it makes his vulnerable moments very easy to spot.

( &&. legal information )

any speeding tickets?: nope. this kid drives by the book. probably because he very much prefers to walk or bike around town, when he can help it.

have they ever been arrested?: never. he’s only been to the police station once, to drop off some promotional donuts for the homecoming football game.

do they have a criminal record?: nah.

have they committed any violent crimes?: no sir.

property crimes?: no.

traffic crimes?: nope! unless you count accidentally cutting cars off with his bike, because that’s happened a handful of times, when he’s been deep in thought.

other crimes?: just breaking hearts.

( &&. medical information )

blood type: o negative.

date/time of birth: july 26, 1997. 3:23am. during a rainstorm.

place of birth: west ham hospital.

vaginal birth or cesauren section?: vaginal birth.

sex: male

smoker? / drinker? / drug user?: no / yes / marijuana.

addictions: does good lit count?

allergies: sulfur-based antibiotics. bullshit.

ever broken a bone?: his left arm in fifth grade. right foot at the seventh grade dance –– the girl he asked to slow dance tripped and grizz, wanting to show off his cool socks, wound up with a stiletto heel to the talus. ouch. collar bone, freshman year of high school: he climbed a tree to save his neighbor’s cat and slipped.

any physical ailments/illnesses/disabilities: nope.

any medication regularly taken: allergy meds. sometimes he gets the sniffles.

( &&. personality )

direct quote from them:  UNO.  DOS.  TRES.  QUATRO.

positive traits: charismatic, cunning, introspective, virtuosic.

negative traits: cataclysmic, self-destructive, reckless, careless.

likes: classic literature, trail mix, synth vibes, 60s/70s/80s rock, the beatles, radiohead, faith by george michael. old vinyls. bob ross. vanilla-cinnamon candles and jasmine tea. wind-rustled leaves. fresh fallen rain.

dislikes: bitter coffee. the disappointment just after sunrise. katy perry. cleaning, laundry. the warmer side of the pillow. waking up without a hand to hold. gareth. secrets, but he harbors a few big ones. pretending. hiding. transitively, himself.

strengths: can be quite resolute but sometimes about the wrong things. his ability to analyze and respond to complex literature is… uncanny. intelligence. deduction. survival facts. he’s a postmodern bear grylls trapped in suburbia.

weaknesses: impatience. do-it-yourself attitude.  fear of rejection. fear of acceptance. fear of others. fear of himself. 

insecurities: what if people in west ham discover who he really is? how’s he supposed to postpone that?

fears/phobias:  irrelevancy. book-burning. ignorance. time.

habits:  playing with his fingers. biting his bottom lip and twisting it between his teeth. humming when he thinks no one is listening. going for late-night walks through the emptiest parts of town. staying up ‘til 4am to read and re-read and read again.

quirks: rarely settles his gaze on anything for more than a few seconds, except for other peoples’ eyes. eye contact is probably one of grizz’s biggest conversational strengths. probably why he makes such a good liar, when he needs to. he’ll finish a pint of ice cream and just sit there for over an hour sucking on the spoon, lost in thought. licks his lips when he’s nervous. plays with his hair a lot. you know he’s nervous when he keeps tucking his hair behind his right ear. chuckles to himself, even when things are the pure opposite of funny.

hobbies: jotting notes in book margins. he dabbles in poetry but feels like his shit is too beat-generation to be that cool. wandering through the woods and attempting to generate his own maps, then checking them for accuracy. lighting matches in the cold, mid-evening air just to watch them burn.

guilty pleasure: peanut m&ms. twizzlers. burned marshmallows. apartment tour videos on youtube.

desires: to prove he’s… sometime more than this. something more than a footballer destined to pretend.

wishes: he could come clean about college. wishes he could come clean about himself. wishes he could work up the courage to ask a guy to prom.

secrets: he purposefully botched an interview he had with central connecticut state university’s football recruiter because he doesn’t want to play in college. he wants to go to yale, or stanford, or brown. to study literature. classics. philosophy. his sexuality. but it’s getting harder and harder to keep that locked down.

turn ons: intelligence. genuine, pure intelligence. sharp-witted humor. dimples. dorky laughs. gentle touch. someone who doesn’t bother with worries ‘bout tomorrow.

turn offs:  idiocy. khakis. people with too much pride. line cutters. naggers. people who don’t think the proper way to eat bugles is by fashioning crisp-claws first and pretending to be edward scissorhands. people who overlook adrienne rich’s poetry, or claim dante shouldn’t be taught in school.

lucky number: 0.

pet peeves: hearing people scratch their scalps. sniffly public transit users. people who don’t use earbuds. cold fries. nail-clickers. knuckle-crackers. people who slurp from straws like they’ve never had a drink before in their lives. 

their motto:  “ i’m surrounded by idiots. ”

( &&. favourites )

food: curly fries with cajun seasoning.

drink: half-oreo half-chocolate milkshake. extra whipped cream. two cherries. please.

fast food restaurant: he’s not huge on fast food, but he can fuck with five guys.

flavour: anything chocolate and peanut.

word: fuck !!!  or zephyr: a soft, gentle breeze.

colour:  a nice, deep forest green.

clothing: his letterman jacket. his deep green flannel’s a close second.

accessory: “ for sylvie, with love” . silver ring. he likes pretending he’s sylvie and that someone cared enough to get his name etched into a precious metal forever.

candle scent: the connecticut homesick candle. it smells like cinnamon and nutmeg and vanilla and fireside bliss. and pine trees. yum.

game: monopoly. but only if he wins.

animal: fish. they’re so graceful.

holiday: halloween. boo.

weather: sunset, just after rain. golden rays peering through deep gray clouds. it makes the greens of trees practically scream against the sky. it’s glorious. it’s heartbreaking. grizz loves it.

season: late fall.

book: le petit prince by antoine de saint-exupéry. it was the last book his grandmother ever read to him, on his fifth christmas eve.

artist: edvard munch. or van gogh, simply because he chopped his ear off and mailed it to his lover. now that’s modern romance.

band/group: the divine comedy, radiohead, pink floyd, the beatles, the rolling stones, the kooks. the avett brothers. belle & sebastian.

song: high and dry, radiohead. elephant, tame impala. anything by the beatles.

movie/film:  mr. nobody. eternal sunshine of the spotless mind. the first time little grizz saw alice in wonderland, he wouldn’t shut up about it for two weeks.

tv show: he grew up watching wallace and gromit. he’s still got a soft spot for it.

sport: football.

possession: his dad’s collection of beatles original release vinyls.

number: 0.

person: henry david thoreau.

( &&. skills )

talents: writing, but he won’t admit it. football. wood-whittling. gardening. navigation.

ability to drive a car?: yes.

can they ride a bike?: yes, and will frequently do so with no hands.

do they play any sports?: football.

anything they’re bad at?: juggling. sleeping. pretending to like gross food.

do they have any combat training? why?: grizz once yahoo answered how to punch somebody to the moon, after one of his best friends got made fun of in grade school for accidentally wearing a costume the day before halloween. he’s still waiting for an answer to that post.

( &&. firsts )

childhood memory: waging what was left of his fruit gummies during a game of fireside poker on the first visser camping trip.

crush: matty kerrington, pre-k. his hair smelled like strawberries and his smile reminded grizz of the hot honey that clung to his mum’s spoon after stirring tea. but to this day, he’ll say his first crush was amanda vander-voss, because her hair was pretty in braids and she reminded him of the pretty deer from bambi.

email address: grizzlybear@aol.com

job: camp counselor at a hiking / adventure camp based in west ham.

phone: a nifty samsung with a slide-out keyboard. made him feel like a god.

kiss: jessica winthrop, in a game of third grade truth or dare.

love: tess de luca ( @tessdl )

sexual experience: with jessica winthrop in the woods behind the middle school, three years later. jess got poison ivy in all the wrong places. grizz thought it was hysterical.

( &&. childhood )

best childhood memory?:  honestly? wearing that boa in dance class. his mom was quick to stop that.

worst childhood memory?:  nearly breaking his nose on the neighbor’s front porch, while attempting to ding-dong ditch with his friends. he’s not sure what gave them away more –– his blood staining their pavement, or the fact that he blubbered the whole run home.

what were they like as a child?:  grizz tended to poke his nose into all the wrong matters, landing him in oodles of trouble. he’d steal from the snack cabinet, sketch constellations across the walls… even stole his dad’s old walkman so he could listen to music under his covers past his bedtime. tried to sneak into the library after hours to get his hands on another thoreau novel. but it was all harmless. the vissers weren’t very firm disciplinarians: they just loved that their son was engaged and passionate about knowledge.

any crushes growing up?: oh, loads. more than he’d like to admit.

( &&. this or that )

expensive or inexpensive tastes?: inexpensive, but lasting.

hygienic or unhygienic?: hygenic.

open-minded or close-minded?: open.

introvert or extrovert?: ambivert. thrives in social settings but the mood has to be right.

optimistic or pessimistic?: pessimistic with a weak optimistic veil. pragmatism, is how he’d put it.

daredevil or cautious?: cautious daredevil.

logical or emotional?: a blend of both, but emotions often influence his actions more than he’d like to say.

generous or stingy?: generous.

polite or rude?: polite when it’s socially mandated. but if there’s no threat of repercussions? a bit rude, if he has to be.

book smart or street smart?:  both.

popular or loner?:  popular, by proxy. but grizz vibes with some solid solitude, especially to recharge.

leader or follower?: leader. follower, though, in the high school structure of things. it’s a way to ensure his place and avoid potential fallout. he’ll call his friends out if they’re up to no good, though.

day or night person?: night. definitely night.

cat or dog person?: both! prefers cats just a smidge more.

closet door open or closed while sleeping?: open. maybe his demons wanna cuddle or some shit.

( &&. social media )

do they have a facebook? twitter? instagram? vine? snapchat? tinder/grindr? tumblr? youtube? yes to instagram and (begrudgingly) snapchat.

if so; name on facebook: none.

instagram user: grizzvisser

snapchat user: grizzybear

( &&. musical tastes )

theme song: kimochi warui ( when? when? when? ), car seat headrest. god... get him OUT of this town.

makes them sad: blackbird, the beatles. his grandparents used to sing this when he’d sleep over/ they’d be in the kitchen early in the morning trying to convince him to eat his cereal. they’d change the lyrics and snap slightly off-tempo, all smiles and coaxing gestures. ave maria. he’s not sure why. it inspires melancholia.

makes them dance: hazy miss daisy, kid bloom. anything with a sick beat and erratic synth. take on me, a-ha. good times bad times, led zeppelin. 

loves the most: fool of myself, the band camino. it’s a song he can throw his head back to, close his eyes, and sway in the breeze.

( &&. miscellaneous )

do they have a fake i.d.?: yep, used to, but now that’s not necessary!

are they a virgin?: nope siree!

describe their signature: it’s unapologetic on the page. takes up more room than it should with lateral squiggles and grandiose swirls. G and V are decipherable, but everything else is convoluted by its own physics. a muddled mess. beautiful in its self-collapsing structure.

how long would they survive in a zombie apocalypse?:  he’d outlive everyone. survivalist visser, right here.

do they travel?: yes, but he wants to do more, see more. the grand canyon would be cool. or maybe the alps. he’s always had a dream of hiking yosemite. 

one place they would like to live: anywhere but here.

one place they would like to visit: new zealand. australia. hawaii.

celebrity crush: young johnny depp. emma watson.

what can you find in their pockets/wallet/purse: tic tacs, but never the mint ones. only the odd flavors.

place(s) your character can always be found:  anywhere with trees. rooftops. alleyways. the football field. coffee shops. the local diner. roadside sunflower fields. his parents’ garden.

when does your character like to wake up?:  with the sun.

what’s your character’s morning routine?: blink at the ceiling for about 20 minutes. wash his face, brush his teeth. annotate a few lines of whatever book he’s reading. push-ups, pull-ups, crunches. run a mile or two. rush into the shower. grab his lunch from the fridge and bike to school (and barely make it).

what does your character eat for breakfast/lunch/dinner?:  grizz’s mom loves to cook, so they’re always trying some new paleo trend. some of it’s awful. but he’ll try to eat it and if he can’t, he’ll sneak a granola bar later. if the school’s serving smiley face fries, he’ll have those. he really likes green apples and those little clementines.

how does your character spend their free days?:  hiking. reading. writing. lying in the sun and just... thinking. lately, he’s been daydreaming a lot about an ivy league education. something more engaging than west ham’s high school snoozefest.

what’s your character’s bedtime routine?:  some kind of pre-bed stretching routine. wash his face, brush his teeth, curl up in bed with a book. fall asleep with it still open on his chest.

what does your character wear to bed?: boxers and a t-shirt.

if your character can’t fall asleep, what are they thinking about?: the past. mistakes. time ticking away.

what is their idea of perfect happiness?: he’s still workin’ on that bit.

on what occasions do they lie?:  very rarely, if he can help it.

most marked characteristic: his hair. it’s all russet waves. untamed. some days, his hair truly has a mind of its own. it screams free spirit. it doesn’t let on that, inside, his soul is burning.

what is one thing they’d most like to change about themselves?:  honestly? it’s not so much what he’d want to change about himself as it is about this town. 

how would they like to die?:  well-read.

do they snore? not unless he’s got a head cold. then there may be a few soft snores here and there.

can they curl their tongue?: yes!

can they whistle?: yes indeed!

do they believe in the supernatural?: not really. but it’s fun to indulge on halloween.  did he move your cup, or did the ghouls?!  s p o o k y .

has anyone ever broken their heart?:  no. haven’t had the opportunity to.

have they ever broken anyone’s heart?:  yes. little marsha lapone’s, at summer camp. she was 8, he’s 18. he told her there was no chance, and she cried into her pb&j. tough.

are they squeamish?: no. 

have they ever seen anyone die? what happened?: just in films.

are they a lightweight?: heck no.

that was a very lengthy thing but... yeah! hit me up for plots! i’m gonna get to crafting and replying to starters v shortly!

[cowboyjen68]

Jen im a city gaybie and my gf is a country boy (unrelated to the previous ask) and I definitely want to move out of the city one day but obviously know nothing about it. Anything i need to know that isnt obvious, practical wise and lgbt wise? I think its worth mentioning i live in australia so i guess some things would be a little different to america

This could be a whole article. By all means start planning now..  

Save money, decide if you want a “hobby farm” which is one that produces and has a bit of a pay out, just an acreage that you can have your own garden on… Think about location. You will have to work outside of your home most likely, at least for a while. What kind of drive will be affordable AND still give you time to get “chores” done.

Look at how much work you are willing to do.. Is it better for you to buy a small place that is already live in ready.. Pay a little more but the barn has power, the kitchen has running water, the basement is dry (that might be an Iowa thing). Running water, a good bathroom and useable kitchen are a BIG DEAL. Lots of people buy a fixer upper and then find out that the work and money is really hard when you have to poop outside and can’t have a hot bath at the end of the day. Sweat equity can be great…things like fixing the fence, mending an old shed or putting in a new garden.. Living without a toilet and shower and stove looses it’s fun really fast. 

Look at your skill level.. IF you know how to fix electricity, or plumb.. great.. BUT be realistic.  IF you’d have to pay someone anyway… move on to a place that is up and running…ALSO. Learning new skills is much more fun when it is for a project you want to work on.. not one you have to do in order to plug in your coffee maker.

Back to location..While looking for a place that is move in ready and not to far from a day job… check for a few things.. internet access.. In America we still have massive swatches of rural areas with none… you need that.. you just do. Look at the towns nearby.  Are they so isolated that they might be homophobic?  They don’t have to be waving the rainbow flag to be friendly.. Many small town people could give two shits about your sexuality.   Apathy can be a good thing.  Just make sure there are not swastikas or  confederate flags waving in the wind. (do you have something similar to  that in Australia?). 

Remember these few tips:

You can produce A LOT with a small bit of land.  

Don’t get livestock until you have a good fence and safe barn and food source for them.. Trust me on this.. it sucks when you are trying to keep two goats in an adhock pen while figuring out how to build an actual enclosure AND then scrambling to build a birthing manger in the dead of winter when one is pregnant. (also..never google “goat husbandry” at work or any public setting–just DON”T). 

Don’t spend more money on gardening than it would cost you to just buy the damn food.

Consider chickens (5 to 10) as your first animal adventure.  They are easy to keep, eat your scraps, are really cool and you will never starve. And eggs can often be traded for other small things.  

Get at least two neutered cats for indoor outdoor. Feed them, love them and let them have access to all of the house and barn. They will earn their keep.

Find the magazine “Countryside”. Get a subscription. It is a very pracitcal guide to rural living and homesteading.   

Connect with other rural lesbians  (like me) get advice.. ASK.. if you find some in Australia.. offer to come help them. IN exchange you will get a friend and knowledge and likely some wonderful stories. 

Plan now.. go after your dream! And keep your girlfriend AWAY from baby goat auctions… just saying…

[angel-hellscythe]

I have been telling people this for literal years. I love cats, my sister has a cat. Guess what she does? Puts him on a lead and takes him around, gets one of those cat backpacks to take him around town. She is a responsible cat owner. First of all in a lot of places outdoor cats are illegal. That law might not be informed as readily as laws pertaining to dogs but it exists. Second, you are putting you cat in so much unnecessary danger. Hit by cars as the post above says, attacked by other cats or dogs or even wild animals. Third, you don't have to register a cat like you do a dog, someone can come and take your cat off the street and take them home and you can't do shit for dick about it. Also most of you fuckers don't even collar and tag your cat so if someone finds your cat they can't bring it back. Fourth, kittens. Spay and neuter your cats, even if their house cats you should be spaying and neutering your cats healthier for them they live better lives and unless you are literally using them for breeding purposes then spay and neuter your cats. And then when you have outdoor cats and they're not spayed or neutered you have 40 million spray is on the streets because you guys don't do your part as pet owners. Lastly to reiterate the point above house cats are the number one successful Predator today they kill off native species all the time don't contribute to extinction, put your cat on a lead just like the rest of us have to do with our dogs. whole point of this long-winded speech about outdoor cats is that when you get a cat or any kind of animal in that case you are putting a responsibility on yourself and just because you don't want to deal with the cat in the house all the time or you don't want to take the cat out in the front yard for 15 minutes a day and maybe you shouldn't have a f****** cat like get a pet rock. Pets are work and if you are to willing to do said work don't get a pet.

man, I have very little sympathy for people who’re like “I gotta let them play in traffic, my cat WAILS and acts MISERABLE unless I let them outside!” 

because like……….so does mine? at a certain point each day Grim decides she wants out, and until that happens she a) follows me about SCREAMING, and b) sits atop whatever I’m doing and bites my hands. this is not an exageration

wanna know what I do? I take her out. either supervised in my backyard or on leash in the front

she naps in the sunlight, eats copious amounts of grass, rolls in dirt, and murders butterflies. after 15-30 minutes (equivalent to the time you’d spend on a neighbourhood dog walk) I take Grim back in, and she happily sleeps/plays/cuddles indoors for the remainder of the day

it’s legitimately low-effort

[canaryatlaw]

OKAY. well today was pretty sweet. I had my alarm set for 10:00 am but ended up waking up at 9:42 am and just said fuck it and got up. I checked my messages and as expected I had a message from Jess asking about getting brunch and then confirmed our plans for the rest of the day. I got dressed and we met up at the spot, which had more people around it than usual because the place that’s right there was doing a branding makeover and I got a free sample of pie so that was cool lol. we went to the vegetarian place for brunch, and while we were eating it started snowing which is super fucking annoying because it’s the fucking END OF APRIL we shouldn’t have to still be dealing with this lol. we had some autographs to mail out and the ups store is right next to the vegetarian place so we ended up going there once we finished eating and mailed the two domestic ones, I have the international one that I’ll mail from the post office on Monday because ups has an international surcharge that would’ve made it super fucking expensive to mail from the ups store. once that was done we walked back through the snow to where Jess had parked her car and started our journey for the day. we were heading up to the suburbs because Jess had managed to get some emissions check thing get lit up in her car because she tried to top off the gas but apparently her gas tank is very sensitive (it’s one of those that doesn’t have an actual cap to it) and according to the internet it was something about a software error that was recalled because of it so basically we had to bring it up to the dealership so they could fix that, hopefully for free, and that is what ended up happening, we brought it in and told them what was going on, they took a look and confirmed what they had to do, so we waited for like 45 minutes or so (I wasn’t actually keeping track of the time but it was around there) until it was done and we were good to go. It had overall taken less time than we’d expected, but we moved on to the next part of our plans, which was late lunch at the cheesecake factory, then we would return to actually get cheesecake after we saw the movie that evening. Since it was, you know, lunch time, we could get the lunch sized version of the pastas we always get to which I was like wow I could actually finish this! and then my acid reflux kicked into high gear for no particular reason and I was like okay I can not in fact finish this, so sadly I didn’t end up eating all that much of it. The movie showing we had tickets to wasn’t until 5 and at that point it was only a little after 2 so we checked to see if we could get tickets to any earlier showing, but they were all sold out, so we just had to kill some time. Normally this wouldn’t be an issue since there’s a whole mall there, but given that it was still snowing and it’s an outdoor mall made it a bit trickier. but we started at forever 21 as always since it was right there and had big signs for sale lol. we each ended up getting something from their buy one get one free clearance, Jess got this hideous jacket (she enjoys ugly clothing) and I got a somewhat equally hideous (as do I sometimes) cardigan along with a pair of floral pants that I saw and knew I needed in my life, then when we were going to check out there was a pair of “avo-cat-o” socks, which had an avocado with a cat peeking through where the pit would be on them so of course we had to get those, and then we picked up a bag of hi-chew at the counter. Once we checked out there we walked around a bit and went into a few stores in search of sunglasses, and ultimately ended up each getting a pair from Francesca’s. We continued to wander for a bit and got bubble tea at some point (where I could confirm I have the legit stuff they actually use, so that was validating) then waited for the movie theatre to start letting people into the theatre for our showing. In case you haven’t figured it out by now, of course we’re seeing Avengers Endgame, THIS POST FROM HERE ON WILL CONTAIN ENDGAME SPOILERS, I WILL TRY TO TAG IT WITH EVERYTHING YOU COULD POSSIBLY BLACKLIST BUT READ ON FROM HERE AT YOUR OWN RISK. We got some popcorn and waited in the fancy theatre for it to start. Overall reaction, I liked it a lot, I really wasn’t crazy about Infinity War so I wasn’t sure how I’d feel about this but I ended up liking it a lot. I thought it was a very good choice narratively to have Thanos get offed way at the beginning of the movie (to be fair to Thor, if I were him I probably would’ve chopped Thanos’ head off as soon as they got in the door, so I can’t really blame him) and then focus the movie on bringing everyone back, only to bring him back in the end, that was good storytelling IMO. THAT HAIRCUT THOUGH, I was dying, just looking at it like I. NEED. THIS. that haircut spoke to me okay lol, my hair is longer than it’s been in like three years right now but it’s not going to last very much longer. I probably can’t get that exact haircut because, you know, work shit, but I’m sure we could figure something out. I was kinda disappointed that she wasn’t in more of the movie, her presence in the beginning was perfect, I was dying when they were like “where are you going?” and she’s just like “to kill Thanos, I’ll let you know when I’m done” so nonchalantly and perfect and like, the scenes of her coming through the atmosphere and everything was so damn cool and GAH I LOVE HER SO MUCH. I had gotten spoiled, willingly though because I don’t really care about these things, as to the two major character deaths of the remaining alive characters, but that definitely did not make it any easier to see. MORGAN STARK IS SO FUCKING PRECIOUS I would die for her and also I’m so fucking glad they didn’t have Cassie Lang get dusted because I would’ve been pissed about that, Scott coming back from the quantum realm and finding her five years later was so damn emotional, it killed me. I appreciated them finding Thor in what was clearly filmed in a coastal new england town, getting fat and playing video games, lol. I know of course him looking fat was fake, but it looked so damn funny. I do take issue with several of the choices they made with how the time traveling was working because there were definitely quite a few logic jumps in there that went unexplained, but for the most part I’ll give them a pass for not wanting to get too into the nitty-gritty of it all. Their journeys into the past were interesting, the New York trip was great and everything involving Loki, I was fucking dying when Cap was just whispered “heil Hydra” and they just totally handed over this huge weapon to him 😂that was pretty funny. Then there was their trip to the 70′s, which messed with me that 1945 would only have been 25 years prior to 1970, like that kinda blows my mind lol. Tony’s whole conversation with his dad was so damn precious, I was like ready to cry at any given point really, and then there was Steve getting into Peggy’s office and watching her and not doing anything and I was like UGH you’re killing me Rogers lol but at least they got back to that at the end. Then there was Clint and Natasha on the planet with the soul stone that randomly featured red skull?? not sure where he came from. that whole sequence was so fucking heartbreaking, they really did it so well, and I definitely cried when they were literally trying to jump off the cliff before the other because they didn’t want the other person to sacrifice themselves, but in the end Nat gave her life because Clint had his family to get back to and man I had all the feels. Then of course there was our third team with Rhodey, Nebula, and Rocket, who end up tying Thanos back into the plot again, which was interesting but ultimately well done I think. When they all got back to the Avengers headquarters and Nat wasn’t there I was like 😭this is so damn sad. but then of course they’re able to have Hulk!Banner snap and you just get the first hints of it working before they immediately get launched into a huge battle. Not gonna lie, for a while there it was looking like they were really fucking screwed when they had armies upon armies ready to fight them, BUT THEN THAT SCENE where everyone comes back god I was crying, it was so fucking perfectly done I just cried at all of it, getting to see everyone back like that in such a triumphant way was too damn great. I liked that when Captain Marvel showed back up she was legit able to take on Thanos and literally had to be stopped by the full power of an infinity stone. I ultimately liked how they did it with the stones going to Tony while you didn’t realize it until Thanos snapped and you see all of them with Tony, and he then snaps and all of them turn to dust and just like, it was so great. Now of course I knew Tony was going to go, but I was glad it was ultimately the most heroic thing that really saved the day, he truly went out as a hero that saved literally everyone in our universe, which is really quite the achievement. The funeral scene killed me of course, especially with the little girl, but you know she’s gonna grow up surrounded by all these awesome people and she’s gonna end up being just fine. I was at least glad they put the stones back in where they were taking from, even if their time travel theory was flawed in a few parts. Cap coming back as an old man after having lived his life with Peggy was so damn good, I cried just because it was all so damn good and pure. And of course we had Peter meeting back up with Ned which was the cutest damn thing really. and yeah, I guess that’s it. I did like it a lot and will probably watch it again at some point once it’s available outside of theatres. Once we had confirmed there was no post credit scenes (thanks internet) we headed out and walked back through the snow (because it was still snowing like 10 hours after it started!!!) to the cheesecake factory where we ended up doing apps and dessert, except we didn’t get quite through our apps and ended up taking the cheesecake home with us. We split the fried mac and cheese balls and Jess got a salad, and I got their grilled artichoke which I’ve had before and is always really good, but takes forever to actually eat (so many layers!!) so I ended up taking some of that home too. Thankfully the snow hadn’t managed to stick to the roads much at all so the drive home was mostly safe. Jess dropped me at my place after she was convinced it wouldn’t be covered in snow (they’re bad about plowing the side streets, but none of the snow ended up sticking on the roads so it was ok), I put my stuff down and then grabbed my pajamas to get in the shower and get ready for bed and then started writing this, and now I’m here. It’s 12:34 am and I did volunteer to take a shift in the babies’ room at church tomorrow morning so I should definitely be getting to bed now. Goodnight loves. Hope you had an awesome Saturday.

[welovetau]

Baby Tau!

-So! The basic set up would still be the same with a few changes; Julia and the two others would still be kidnapped, and the other two would still die, for example. The major change is that rather than Tau being an AI, he’s a smol eight year old child. Alex adopted him for his experiments; blending humans with machine.

-Tau’s a cyborg, basically be to be a hub, a control center, for a whole slew of robots. He has metal implants on the back of his neck, sprouting up onto the back of his head, and his fingertips were modified so he doesn’t have nails or fingerprints.

-Julia and Tau become friends just the same way as they did in the movie; Tau loves music and being read to and basically is desperate to know about what the world i s.

-The end of the movie is also similar, with Alex dying and Julia taking Tau with her. They also score some of Tau’s robots who he was deeply attached too, so Julia was able to make a hefty profit of selling the blueprints and schematics out to some tech companies.

-She really wasn’t expecting to be a parent. Like. Ever. She didn’t have to deal with too much of it on the first year, because the press was all over them and they both had to travel to conferences and all that official shit so there wasn’t much chance for that.

-However, once they settled in their new house, (in California, after she gets all her stuff from her New York apartment) Julia uh, realizes she does have to do some parenting things. Like getting Tau an education. Like figuring out what the fuck is a good meal plan. Like making sure their new cable company has the cartoon channel and the symphony channel. Like making sure she arranged doctors and dentists and therapists and all sorts of medical professionals. Like making sure she was doing her best to acknowledge the damage Alex did both to her and to her newfound son.

-Like get Tau a cat.

-

“Julia?”

“Mhm?” Julia said, looking over at Tau, who was kneeling on the chair beside her. It was a Sunday morning, clear and bright, she was on her second cup of coffee, and just about halfway through filling out school registration forms. “We can go to the park in like, half an hour, after I’m done. The one with the swings, you liked that, right?”

“Yes,” Tau fidgeted, tweaking his hearing aid. “Julia, may I get a pet?”

She set down her pen, resting her chin on her hands. “A pet, huh. Well, why?”

In response to her question, Tau’s eyes widened. He apparently didn’t think he would actually get this far. “I did some analysis on the happiness pets bring! Then I compared the results to the most common house pets, both in my age group and in our area, as you can see on this spreadsheet. Latest, I wrote you a five and half page essay on why a pet would bring even more happiness and stability to our household. The conclusion I reached is that I should get a dog, a rabbit, or a cat. A cat sounds quite interesting, and so I did even more research on the different breeds of them.” When he finished with his spiel, he handed Julia a tablet, with the research notes pulled up.

She scrolled through the opening arguments, and made various noises of approval as she noticed how detailed the research was. For fuck’s sake, the kid even had a three page bibliography to cite his sources. “Well, this place is certainly large enough for a pet,” She mused, scrolling through the cat analysis. “And I did always want a cat…okay, what the hell, let’s get a cat.”

“Yay!” Tau cheered, clapping excitedly. “I found the best shelter in town, and it is open until 5:30 pm, so we have approximately nine hours to gather the necessary supplies.”

“And when’s the best pet supply store in town open until?”

“4:00 on Saturday, so we best get cracking.”

Julia laughed, ruffling Tau’s hair. “You’re going to have to wait for a bit, sport. These forms have to be filled out for Monday, so you can get into school.” She picked up her pen, before seeing Tau’s crestfallen face.

“Why don’t you brainstorm some names for the cat?” She suggested.  Nodding excitedly in agreement, Tau bounded up to his rooms, no doubt to make a list or three. Shaking her head with a smile, Julia returned to her forms.

After they were dropped off with the principal’s secretary, Julia and Tau began their pet seeking journey. First stop was the nearby pet supply store, where they were confronted with many options.

“Wow,” Julia whistled under her breath, looking at the amount of cat food, cat toys, cat towers and other cat related materials. “They really need a lot, don’t they?”

 Tau dug in his shorts pocket and pulled out a crumpled list. “I’ve provided us with a list of the various things our cat should acquire. First, I think our cat should be an indoors cat, given the dangers outdoor cats often face. For our cat to be happy and healthy, this is what they should require.”

Accepting the list, and looking over its content, Julia went over to the display of cat trees and towers. “So, if you were a cat, which would you like best?” Crouching, she poked at a pink tent, and to her surprise, a very grumpy, very big cat stuck their head out of the tent. “Apparently this one is good for sleeping!”

They ended up with not only the pink cat tent but also with a tower that said it was a ‘luxury cat condo’, three packages of bell toys, one electronic mouse, a number of feathers on sticks, and some catnip mice. Of course they also stocked up a large bag of dry cat food (the best brand, according to Tau), some cat treats, cat litter, two litter boxes and a comfortable cat carrier.

“I think our future kitty should be happy with this,” Julia commented, closing the trunk on their various cat purchases. “Now all we need is the actual cat.”

“We have approximately seven hours to do so,” Tau informed her, sliding into the backseat, making sure to buckle in safely. “And during my last refresh of the website there were seventeen cats to select from, so there should be at least fourteen when we arrive.”

Julia turned the car out of the parking lot, checking the intersection before heading to the animal shelter. “Thought of any names yet? It has to be something easy to say…although Sir Fluffkins The Mighty Slayer does sound pretty appealing.”

Tau laughed with a little sort, and Julia smiled at his reflection in her mirror. It was good to make him laugh. God knows how much shit he’s been through. She worried about him of course, and she was already nervous about school for him. So far Tau’s only role models was a rogue engineer who tortured him, and an anti-social former thief. His childhood was off to a bad start.

She wanted the best for him, and was eager to help shape his future, but Julia still wanted to fulfill her own dreams. Whenever she had a moment to herself, one not spent doing her part of as the face of TAU Industries or caring for Tau, Julia focused on getting herself into college. Given she was in a new state, she still had some research to do on which was the best fit for a part time student, but at least now she could afford the fees.

Before long, she pulled in and parked by the small animal shelter. As she talked with the volunteer at the front desk about the forms and vet care they needed, another volunteer took Tau into the cat room. Julia found him trying to pet at least five cats at the same time, as they milled around the open floor space. She felt something rub against her ankles; a sleek looking black cat was winding a way through Julia’s legs.

“Hello there, pretty,” Julia bent down, letting the cat sniff her hand. She smiled as the cat began to butt against her hand. “Hey, Tau, come check out this kitty.”

 As they were playing with one of Tau’s drones, getting the cat to bat and chase it as it flew around, a volunteer came over to them. “Seems like Lady here found her new family,” He remarked, “I think she really attached herself to you.”

“What are her details?” Tau asked, with much more maturity than one would expect a nine year old to have. “Has she had all her shots?”

“Yes, and she’s a year and half old. Her former family had to move to Canada, so she’s been here since. She doesn’t do well with dogs but she adores being petted on soft blankets.”

With a nod from Tau, Julia made the call, “We would love to adopt her.” Brushing her pants off, Julia stood, catching the drone, much to the cat’s dismay.

While she paid for and took care of the forms, Tau helped their new cat into her carrier. After a goodbye, they carefully put the carrier in the backseat, with Tau holding on it. Julia drove carefully away, not wanting to jolt their new pet.

“So, do we have a name for her?” Julia asked, over the sound of pitful mews.

“Tutti,” Tau said seriously, holding onto the carrier firmly. “An Italian musical term, meaning ‘together’ Because our family is all together now.”

Julia had to smile at that, so hard her cheeks started to hurt. “Yeah,” She said, making the turn into their driveway. “We’re all together now.”

[boyfriem-moved]

pl ea se info dump about your ocs

oh boy ok you,,, don’t want this but u already asked and it’s too late to go back so im just gonna start talking

ok so i have like 2 separate oc worlds and 3 seperate groups of ocs within those (these are just the main ones, there’s ones i don’t think abt anymore and ones i’ve abandoned and fan characters and stuff but if i went over all of that i’d be here all day so i’ll just stick with these)

so the first world is just our world, modern day, but with magic. there’s this one town, barnsley, georgia, that’s cut off from the rest of the world. most ppl drive by without ever noticing it, and if someone tries to go in who’s not wanted the town will disappear or try to kill them or just do something to keep them out. it’s a vaguely sentient town. in barnsley there’s a big forest and no one’s ever gone in and come out the other side. there’s ambiguous danger in the forest, mostly faeries who will make you fall in love with them and then kill you and harvest your bones and stuff.

so there’s like 4-6 characters depending on where we’re looking at in terms of what storyline i’m following (this is the one that i did nanowrimo for three (3) times and have over 100,000 words of thrown out content for and obsess over constantly so it has the most solid plot and there’s a lot of it) so anyways i’ll just go over all 6 and try to make it as simple as possible without talking about converging storylines and alternate drafts and stuff

ok! so! vi larson-park is the daughter of one of barnsley’s 3 great magicians! her mom could do all sorts of crazy magic and i can’t get into the parents’ backstory here bc they have a whole OTHER story and that’s just. too much (maybe i’ll do that later? we’ll see) so yeah her mom did magic and also made some bad deals and stole some stuff from the woods and indirectly caused some ppls deaths but it’s like fine probably. so vi grew up with her mom, natalie, her mom’s witch girlfriend, erica, and erica’s twin brother, simon (who i’ll get into later and also who doesn’t exist in half the scrapped drafts) in this big empty DEFINITELY HAUNTED house on the edge of town where erica grew up and they were good and happy. then like a year ago natalie was killed by nick, who i’ll also get into later, and that’s kinda the end of her story, vi and erica are obviously devastated and they have a funeral and vi starts having the occasional odd dream here and there, but things go back to normal after awhile. vi has absolutely no aptitude for magic, and because of that she often feels alienated by erica and simon who are VERY magical and always talking about things she doesn’t understand. she’s fiercely loyal and protective and not really scared of anything. she’s always wanted to know what’s in the woods but knows better than to go looking

tyler is vi’s best friend and also 50% whole entire Not Human. he either came from the woods or was found outside a random gas station in like arizona or something depending on which draft i’m going by, but either way he was found around two years ago and has been clinging to vi ever since. his backstory is a big unknown to the human characters and no one really knows anything about him. he’s a faerie prince, the son of the erlking, who’s sort of the ambiguous villain of the story but i’ll get into him later. he has 3 brothers, sorrel, dain, and kell. sorrel is the oldest and known as the winter prince, then there’s kell for spring, dain for summer, and tyler himself for autumn. (btw his name isn’t actually tyler technically it’s robin but i'm not gonna get into that rn.) sorrel is cool and collected and stone cold bitch, and all he wants is to be king so he roped tyler into helping him try and kill their dad, which failed, so then he lost his position in the royal court and now he’s doing tons of morally gray stuff in an attempt to get back in his dad’s favor so he can kill him for real this time. dain and kell are sort of nothing at all and you don’t need to know anything except dain is really mean and violent and kell is an ally(?). after the whole failed killing debacle tyler ran away to barnsley in hopes that he could find something in common with the humans, since he’d been a faerie all his life and couldn’t stand it. he’s quiet and doesn’t like doing or saying things unless he absolutely has to, is generally unhelpful unless something benefits him, scared of being alone, hates being indoors, runs around barefoot and only eats food from the woods. he’s kinda like an outdoor cat.

nick and marcus jacobs are brothers and general hooligans. nick is the older one (he’s 19) and marcus is 15 and they grew up in barnsley for the first 14 years of marcus’ life until marcus accidentally killed their dad and they left town. which the dad killing subplot is really a lot to get into but basically their dad was the second magician, along with vi’s mom, except the effects of magic on a person can kinda drive a person insane and the others managed to keep it together but he slowly went crazy until he was paranoid and in pain all the time and ended up taking a lot of it out on his sons which ended in him threatening marcus and marcus in an act of self defense unleashing raw magic power he didn’t know he had and accidentally killing him and also taking out all the power in the entire town and causing a minor earthquake. it was a Big Deal. so yeah they buried their dad in the backyard and skipped town. after their dad died all his magic went down to nick so nick has newfound power (marcus btw has never been able to use magic since then and has no idea how he did it) but he also has voices in his head and weird dreams, and with all the voices yelling at him all the time he realizes that the only way to get rid of them is to get rid of the magicians. his dad did some magic bullshit that made him the vessel for the magic once he died but the other magicians didn’t so he doesn’t have to kill anyone besides them and it makes sense bc i say it does shut up. so for like a year they drive around aimlessly, meet with and kill vi’s mom, meet with and kill aidan’s dad (i’ll get to aidan once i’m done here), pick up a hitchhiker depending on which version of the story i’m telling, then go back home where they’re not really welcome anymore but that won’t stop them. nick is cold and mean and. y’know. a murderer, but he also loves marcus greatly and gets attached to people more easily than he would like to admit. he’s sort of closed himself off and resigned himself to killing “for the greater good”, but it’s hard for him, and there’s definitely people he wouldn’t kill. he fully planned to, once he got rid of the magicians, never kill again, and he keeps that promise. marcus is soft spoken and anxiety ridden and a bit of a crybaby and he hates death and doesn’t fully trust nick and doesn’t trust himself either. on the outside he appears bitter and angry constantly.

aidan mulligan is a HOOLIGAN! a whole entire rowdy boy! he’s also the son of the third magician and marcus’ ex(?) boyfriend? more like boyfriend on standby. it’s complicated. there’s nothing special to him, he’s rowdy bc his parents never gave him enough attention so he runs around with people he doesn’t really like and is always getting into trouble. his favorite activities are skipping church and running the local cryptid watch am radio station, which no one listens to and which he used to run with marcus. he misses marcus dearly and keeps waiting for him to come back. he’s loud and talkative and his mood changes drastically but is always on the highest setting. he’s either screaming-and-throwing-things angry or unable to shut up and bouncing all over the place. not to pick favorites but he’s my favorite i really love him. his life moto is “fuck you dad” basically. oh yeah nick killed his dad and stuff and it’s hit him hard but he’s not as torn up by it as he probably should be, which he feels terrible about. his mom lives on the other side of the country and doesn’t currently know his dad is dead, which isn’t really something you’re supposed to keep secret generally but the mulligan family said fuck the rules. he has two brothers, connor and seamus (connor older, seamus younger) and loves both of them though he would never admit it.

simon diederich is the secret special bonus magician!! also i think i gotta talk abt parent backstory for him so,,,, here goes: basically, simon and vi’s mom and marcus and aidan’s dads all stole magic from the forest in a way that doesn’t super make sense but it’s my story i can do what i want. and in the process simon died and they had to leave him behind in the woods, but then since the magic in the forest was weak it couldn’t continue being formless or else it would turn into nothing since so much of it had been damaged by the humans or w/e. so it took simon’s body as a vessel and resurrected him with all his old memories but also 100% more magic power. so he took that power and went back home and has been just straight chillin, unaging, for 30-ish years. he got like. immense wisdom when he was resurrected and is also possessed by a sentient forest so he does what the forest wants which is protect the town and fistfight anyone he doesn’t like. he’s obnoxious and immature and thinks he’s hot shit and loves these trees more than he loves other people probably

bonus character: lila is the ghost who lives in vi’s attic. she’s like 7. i love her

THAT HURT MY FINGERS TO TYPE. I HAD TO MOVE TO GOOGLE DOCS TO DO THIS BC TUMBLR KEPT LAGGING AND MY WORD COUNT IS NEARING 2000 BUT W/E LETS KEEP GOING

next, still in the same universe, are the residents of greywell, washington. greywell is what’s on the other side of those woods no one can cross in barnsley. how does that work? magic obviously. greywell is a lot like barnsley but more sinister, it’s a lot newer so the characters aren’t as fleshed out (with one exception) and there’s really only 3 i actually care abt so this ones gonna be a lot shorter. i’ve thought abt plot but nothing solid so there’s some...stuff but mostly this one will be short

zoe hammond: amateur teen witch who’s also cursed. she has an eye on her left hand which is always watching her and she wants off desperately. u know how i said in some versions of the story nick and marcus pick up a hitchiker? that’s her, going to barnsley bc she knows its magic and hopes someone there will know how to fix her. she respects authority and stays in line for the most part, but she also takes shit from no one. she’ll talk to nearly anyone but doesn’t particularly like anyone in town, also she sells witch shit out of the trunk of her car in the school parking lot

wesley: short rowdy trans boy with absolutely no self control who’s stoned all the time and does crazy things for the adrenaline rush and doesn’t bind safely and falls in love with every boy he meets. he skateboards bc of course he does. he’s always ready to fight and punches ppl a lot but usually ends up losing fights bc he’s tiny. i love him

noa: ok this dude went into the woods one (1) time and now there’s this magic glove stuck on their hand? and a ghost in their phone?? and they’re literally so confused and they’ve never had any friends in their entire life but all of a sudden that weird lesbian witch and her crazy skateboarder friend are talking to them all the time and they died? except they woke back up like nothing had happened even though their head basically blew up? and there’s like faeries and stuff coming after them because they want the glove and they can’t get the stupid thing off their hand and they have no idea what’s going on noa is an absolute nervous wreck who’s really fun to draw and they have no idea what’s happening to them and tbh i don’t rly know what i’m doing either but i’m having a good time

ada: the phone ghost.

last set!! i have them all done already from this thing i did with @dogstoes so i’ll just paste them in but first background:

this is a completely separate world, it’s like this 1910s era fictional city with magic and shit. the magic system is kinda complicated but basically there’s elemental magicians who are heavily tied to religion, they’re believed to be sacred and god sent by p much every organized religion. they do elements, it’s pretty simple. then there’s blood magicians who can basically transmute but they have to use their own blood to do it. anyone can learn to be a blood magician but most ppl don’t want to bc. blood ow. blood magicians are an ABOMINATION AGAINST GOD and there’s a stigma against them in religious communities so they tend to populate big cities and less religious places. there’s also healers who are born like elementals and can’t be trained, they’re isolated from both schools of magic bc unlike elementals they’re not pure (well, depending on which religion you ask) and unlike blood magicians they’re not common. born magicians are born with pure black eyes (irises? the colored part. not just all black) that differentiate them from nonmagic ppl. there’s also super intense mary sue magicians who r rare and born with red eyes (i started this world when i was 13 don’t judge me bitch) and they can shapeshift kinda? but in cool ways, it’s not just shapeshifting they could also make their skin tough or nails pointy or w/e. one of them specifically likes to harden his own blood in weapons it’s kinda metal. anyways here’s the character profiles from the google doc pasted in word for word

Characters (bc i suddenly decided this is Sharin With Rivers material If You Shall Take It):

So basically there's these 2 gangs, run by this woman Lyra Frey and this dude Lucas Sweeney, and they Do Not Like Each Other At All. Neither of them are good bc yknow...gangs….but lyra’s is like...better anyways here's characters

Lyra's dudes:

Emil Finch: 21, any and all pronouns, ace, lyra’s right hand man/ veteran of a bloody civil war (TECHNICALLY a war criminal but yknow…it's whatever). Likes cats and Arya, dislikes cigarettes and being short. Their birth name is Emilee, which they  shortened to their liking when they moved to The Big City, and they used their father's name (Finn O'Malley) to join the war. They're a healer magician but ssshhh don't tell anyone. They used their powers to hurt people when they were in The War and now don't trust themselves, so they stick to traditional medicine thank you very much. (Also knives. They’re a big fan of knives.)

Arya Frey: 21, she/her, Lyra’s adopted daughter and mechanic. She has METAL LEGS and has to walk with a cane so she doesn't go outside much, mostly makes machines and strategizes for her mom. Likes drawing, Emil, making things/taking them apart, dislikes cold weather (it makes her joints hurt), magic, Drunk Emil. She has two cats named vriska and karkat. Everyone is suspicious of these names even though it's like 1910 and an alternate universe and homestuck doesn't exist.

Jaz Anaheim: 18, he/him, big gay disaster, a pickpocket who came to the Big City with his brother when he was 16 to work and send money to his mom, stole from a kingpin, joined a gang, watched his brother die in front of him, and lied to his mom for 2 years about his job and his brothers aliveness while he sent her blood money. He's a humble farm boy, no magic, tall and uncoordinated, basically all he can do is steal and flirt badly and he's very aware. Also where he came from magicians were rare because they were all drafted for the war so when he sees magic he's way too impressed. Likes loud music, people being interested in him, his family (just his mom now :’)), his hometown, dislikes the city, feeling disliked, himself, swimming

Sweeney’s band of assholes:

Elliott Sweeney: 24, he/him, Sweeney’s son and certified dad hater. He's a blood magician which are common and not that impressive but he’s good at what he does bc he did nothing but practice for like 6 years. His dad basically controls him and makes him work for him because he's useful. He resents his dad with every ounce of his being but doesn't have the spine to do anything about it. After accidentally burning down part of their house and killing his mom his dad sent him away to the summer house in the country, where he lived for the past 6 years, obediently doing his dad’s bidding and learning how to control his magic until he got fed up and burned that house down (on purpose this time), making his dad move him back to the family house in the city so that he could keep an eye on him. he’s one of those badass mega magicians who does blood swords and stuff, he’s also spent so much time reading that he knows a lot about magic theory. Quiet, reserved, extremely petty, but shows a sense of humor around his sister. Never really knew Alise growing up so he’s more of a cool uncle than a brother. Likes his sister, learning things, astronomy, dislikes his dad, Emil, doing magic, fighting, feeling trapped

Alise Sweeney: 14, she/her, her dad named her Alise with an S because he's just that much of an asshole. She's a self trained blood magician and good at what she does. She hates her dad almost as much as Elliott does but she's also not a fucking baby about it. Is DEFINITELY planning on killing him at some point. Was raised to make jokes and do crime and her brother said if she does crime she's grounded. Has never been serious about anything ever, and probably has a screw loose. Has killed people. Is basically a tiny fighting machine. Her dad was rough on her growing up. Likes picking fights, Elliott and Atticus, pissing off her dad, causing trouble. Dislikes her dad, people stronger than her, tense situations, being alone

Atticus Grey: 16, he/him, not Sweeney’s son but hates him enough that he probably could be (in case you were noticing a theme here, sweeney is kinda unlikeable). His mom left soon after he was born and his dad ran up a huge debt and ended up working for Sweeney to pay it off, then died in a gang fight before he could get through it. Sweeney, the merciless motherfucker that he is, decided that Atticus would finish paying it off, and snatched him up as soon as he was 13. His dad used to hang out with Emil’s and so they ended up taking care of parentless Atticus (along with (extremely reluctant) Arya. Atticus is really close with Lyra’s entire crew because he's spent so much time around them. He's a fire magician who knows a bit of blood magic but barely uses it, and he's an angsty bitch. Likes Emil, being alone, dislikes everything else.

oh yeah then there’s those bitches in charge:

Lyra Frey is a [REDACTED] year old woman from [REDACTED] who moved to the city while fleeing from [REDACTED]. She was in the civil war briefly, fighting for the [REDACTED] side. Her real name is not Lyra, but is actually [REDACTED]. She loves Arya more than anything else probably. Sees Jaz as an unofficial son, is skeptical of Atticus, likes Emil but doesn’t trust them.

Lucas Sweeney is one of those rich bastards who also does crime on the side. He’s a politician but everyone and their mother knows he’s an absolute crime lord on the side. Has arguably more power than Lyra but has no idea how to use it, plus Alise has already recruited like half his employees into joining her uprising. He’s a selfish man and a terrible dad. No one likes him.

uh yeah that is. all!! this is over 3000 words jesus do asks have a word limit? i sure hope not

[sandersgrey]

do all the identity asks

YESSSS *cough cough* I mean, why not, right?1- If someone were to really understand you, what should they read, watch, and listen to?Ummm, that's a nice one! I think maybe they should read Paper Towns by John Green, listen to whatever song I'm obsessed with in the moment (that really shows how is my mood ---- now, it's You're Enough by Sleeping at Last, btw!) and... I really don't know what they should watch, maybe any of Narnia's movies.2- Have you ever found a writer who thinks just like you? If so, who?Not yet, I think, but I sure do love E. Jade Lomax's books! You should check out her site, the e-books are free to download! 3- List your fandoms and one of each that you identify withI'm not going to list all of it (holy shit we'd be here the whole day), but the one I'm very in now is the Thomas Sander's one. I feel like I act a lot like both Logan and Princey (even if I don't like them very much, they're my least favorite characters). Christine, from BMC (again, I don't like her very much, even if I know she's really nice), and Leo Valdez from the Percy Jackson fandom.4- Do you like your name? Is there any name you think would fit you better?Anyone who has known me irl for more than five minutes knows that I dislike very strongly my birthname. I'm going by Alex right now but I'm still looking for a name that fits me better.5- Do you identify yourself by the things you do?Fuck yes. I have ever been the "reader", then the writer, then the writer and artist. That, uh --- isn't a lot good when I'm in those moments when I think everything I do is garbage.6- Are you religious?Nope! I have a very fanatic aunt that gave me a decent knowledge of the Bible and a discomfort when talking about faith.7- Do you care about your ethnicity?Buddy I don't even know what my ethnia is. I'm Brazilian. I have black, white and native blood. My skin is not white but it also isn't black and I think I would maybe be called poc in USA but I'm not sure even of that, and here I'm pretty much the closest to white most people can get to. I have no idea. 8- What musical artists have you most felt connected to over your timeline? No one, to be honest. I don't like bands or individuals, I mostly just pick one or two songs I like and carry on.9- Are you an artist?Yep! I draw, write, and I'm learning how to do crochet and painting.10- do you have a creed?I'm not sure what it is, too lazy to look it up, but probably not11- Describe your ideal dayIt's a holiday, I have no homework to worry about. I can sleep all day. It's rainy and cold and I can curl under a blanket. (wow I just noticed how low are my standarts)12- dog person or cat person?Not crazy about any of these, but I had a dog and he rocked, so.13- Inside or outdoors?That depends. Is there a place I can sit? Can I bring a book? Or is there a route I can walk? If so, outdoors.14- Are you a musician?God I wish.15- Five most influential books over your lifetime.Paper Towns, Harry Potter 5 and 7, The Last Olimpian (PJO), and Narnia's Chronicles (they count as one if I bought them all at once shut up)16- If you'd grown up in a different environmental, do you think you'd have turned out the same?I think about this a lot, and I don't think so. A lot of me is based around my family and the love of books that they taught me. 17- Would you say that tumblr is a fair representation of the "real you"?As far as it goes, yes, I guess. I mean, I have more time to think about what I'm saying here, and you guys can't hear me talking too fast, but most of the things I like and believe in are here.18- What's your patronus?I don't remember the one Pottermore gave me, but it was a bird.19- Which Hogwarts House would you be in?I got Ravenclaw, but I can see myself in basically any minus Hufflepuff.20- Would you either be in Narnia, Middle Earth, Hogwarts, or somewhere else? Hogwarts or Camp Half-Blood.21- Do you love easily?Platonically? Yes. But I also forget easily, so you could argue maybe not.21- List the top five things you spend more time doing, in orderScrolling in tumblr, talking, drawing, writing, sleeping23- How often would you want to see your family every year?My extended family? I'm fine with holidays and birthdays. 24- Have you ever felt like you had a "mind-meld" with someone?I have no idea what this is25- Could you live as hermit?Hell no. Even with my family, I spent half of my vacations missing my friends.26- How you you describe your sexuality/gender?Aroace and nonbinary.27- Do you feel like your outside appearence is a fair representation of the real you?Most of it. It would have been PERFECT if my dad had let me dye my hair blue, but you can't have everything.28- on a scale of 0 to 10, how hard it is to someone to get under your skin?Like a 3, I'm very short-tempered.29- three songs you connect with right nowYou're Enough by Sleeping at Last, Home by Gabrielle Aplin, and Two from Sleeping at Last30- Pick one of your favorite quotes."Bravery is a privilege". It is from the fanfic "overemotional in defense of cho chang", from dirgewithoutmusic (who is actually E. Jade Lomax! She's in here @ink-splotch. She's a fucking goddess and I love her)

[singingpeople]

For the love of Jai, a very, very serious crack-fic (seriously, it´ serious)

A little treat for Halloween! Inspired by a post you can find here and here,  inspired, emotionally supported and edited by my one and only muse @beautifulramblingbrains , whose name is just coincidently sounds almost like our protagonist here. (A coincidence, nothing more. You hear me?) Have a spooky Halloween and fun with this 25 page-long monster. (Yeah, I´m that insane.)

Disclaimer: I own nothing but my own, depraved brain that came up with this shit. And Janie. Janie´s mine. 

I´m tagging all of you guy´s who I think might be interested, if not, ignore it :D

@pathybo, @iammarylastar, @b-j-d, @vitaevandal, @murmelinchen, @spiteandalice, @equalstrashflavoredtrash, @captstefanbrandt, @tigpooh67

Now I´m off to do another Nanowrimo... yay.. :D 

Our protagonist, Janie, wished for a man. He should be strong enough to chop the firewood and brave enough to kill all the spiders, precise enough to hit his target even though it was over five meters away which would make him the king at playing darts in the local bar. He should also be fun, someone you can steal horses with, who wasn't afraid of the law but sensible nonetheless. After all, she wanted someone she could spend a nice evening on the sofa when the snow was falling outside, the crackling fire warming the room while they drank wine from sophisticated glasses.

Yes, Janie wished upon a star that she would be graced with such a man. But little did she know that instead of the one she desired, she’d get four, the epitomes of her wish. Didn’t they always say: be careful what you wish for….

It had been raining all day long in a faraway province in the middle of England, puddles forming on the walkway between the rural farmhouse and the barn that once upon a time housed livestock but had been converted into a mere wood storage. Like most houses in the area, it was made from withered brown brick stones that had withstood the element for decades without giving way, the walls covered by Ivy slowly winding itself into the crevices. Without a doubt, it made the small farm appear as something out of a fairytale but every few years the damage it caused had to be fixed, which wasn’t cheap, especially for a young woman living all on her own, if you didn’t count her three cats and the dog, her loyal companions.

The young woman in question, whose name was Janie, a poor variation of the name Jenny (god knows what her parents were up to when they decided to name her that), was sprinting through the rain towards the front door, having retrieved a stack of firewood from the wooden barn to get the chimney started. Being the start of autumn, temperatures had dropped significantly and she was freezing all alone in her bed. She had prepared herself to get wet and she made a mad dash towards the house, the wellies on her feet splashing water from the puddles up and onto her pants, staining them with mud.

Bursting through the door she cursed out a low ‘merde’  - because it sounded better, as a cold drop of water ran down her spine and let the full basket drop, not taking into account that her foot was right beneath it. A string of curses left her potty mouth like a sailor, and she hobbled around on one leg, the other one clutched in hands. Jumping around, her shoulder met the wall and Janie let herself sink down, her foot pulsing painfully. It wasn’t the first time she wished that she had a strong companion that would have no problems chopping wood, stacking it in the barn or carry it into the house where he´d start a cozy fire, while for her it was always a matter of luck if the damn thing would even start and a matter of time until the chimney was clogged again. Brushing the wet strand of hair from her face, she let out a loud sigh before getting up and going to work, shooing her mongrel dog gently away as she tried to smother her face with love.

It took her thirty minutes and four tries to get it going so when she was finally cozy on her couch, a nice cup of tea by her side and her favorite book in hand (like for any brit that thought they were the cat´s whiskers, it, of course, was Pride and Prejudice, just like her favorite movie, the one from 2005 with the handflex™, not the one with Collin Firth) it was not long before she fell asleep. Just seconds from drifting off, mind foggy, she sent a wish upon the heavens – that they´d grant her a partner, one of those fictional men she adored that much.

Unbeknownst to her, just as she finished that thought, that heartfelt desire, the hand of the clock clicked into place at ten past ten on the tenth October, putting a process in motion that would completely and undoubtedly turn her whole life upside down.

The faraway tolling of the church bells in the village announcing the arrival of midnight stayed unheard to Janie but the deafening thunder, followed by a burst of lightning that made night day for a few long seconds, leaving an after-image burned into one's cornea. Tumbling from her position, heart beating fast, Janie looked around wildly before holding a hand against her chest, trying to calm herself down.

But the dulled thumping, followed by the dog barking had the anxiety spiking in her veins. It sounded like something in the barn had fallen over and she feared that the lightning had struck it, maybe even igniting a fire.

There was no one around but her and no chance for her to avoid going out by herself to take a look.

Cell phone clutched in hand, the dog by her side, she shrugged on her jacket and the wellies, pushing open the door of her utility room.

It had stopped raining, puddles building on the walkway that Janie tried to avoid on her way to the barn that was veiled by large pines, separating different parts of the old homestead. The barn was a little to the side and she was almost there when she heard a crash from inside as if something had kicked a stack of wood loose, sending it tumbling to the ground. Janie froze while the dog started barking violently, fur standing up.

She listened closely, on alert for a few moments but when nothing was heard she continued, slowly inching closer to the wooden door. Ear pressed to the rough surface, Janie hesitated but ultimately decided to go in there. Most likely it was just another rat, or maybe a cat that was searching for a secure place to give birth in.

The light on her phone turned on, she pushed the door open and slowly made her way inside, the small circle of light swaying over piles of wood, over to the section where she had stored the outdoor furniture for the winter. From the corner of her eye she thought to see a shadow whizzing by but when she turned around nothing was there. Walking further into the barn, she shone the light into the cracks, searching for the unfortunate animal when suddenly the door slammed shut.

Straightening up, she swayed the light around widely, searching for the trigger – the reason why it fell shut. Maybe it was the wind? Yes, of course. What else?

Heart beating out of her chest, Janie felt a shiver running down her back and suddenly she knew – she just knew that someone was watching her.

With long steps, she made her way out the door, to where her dog was, where she could call the police, or maybe that one man that always bothered her for a date. He'd be more than happy to come here and take a look.

And if there was something hiding in the barn… Well, it wouldn't be her that would get murdered... Just saying.

She heard a twig snapping right behind her but before she could react, the phone was knocked from her hand and she was grabbed from behind, pulled into a sturdy chest. Her scream of terror was muted by the hand laying over her mouth and pinching her nose shut, making it impossible for her to breathe. Struggling in earnest, she kicked behind her, hoping to get free from her attacker, but it was to no avail.

He was too strong. Too fast and cunning for her to get out of his choke-hold. But she couldn´t give up, not like that. Not now.

She couldn't die as a twenty-six-year-old who´s biggest accomplishment in life had been the graduation of college. Janie wanted to fall in love, to marry and have a child. Or three.

Then, when her life would turn mediocre in her mid-thirties, after her third mid-life crisis (since she had no idea which part of her life was the middle, she decided to have an ongoing crisis) she would get a divorce, bid that no-good-cheating-son-of-a-bitch goodbye and live off child support somewhere in the Caribbean Sea. So much the theory.

But all that and more was impossible if she died by the hands of a guy that thought shushing someone while simultaneously choking them was a good idea.

What an asshole.

Through the haze of her oxygen-deprived brain, Janie registered another movement right before the man was ripped off of her and she fell to her knees, heaving violently for air. In the same moment, someone turned on the light, like Janie should have done even before setting foot into the barn.

How silly.

Attempted murders are a lot harder in bright light. All those horror movies and she was cast as the first kill after swearing oath she never would be.

She was still crawling away from whoever it was, hoping to get to the door but she stopped short when a sturdy pair of black boots came into her line of vision. Raising her gaze slowly, she took in the military boots, over the padded black pants and the vest, to the crossed, heavily tattooed arms. From there, she studied up to the neck that was adorned by thick black bars until she finally reached his face. Her savior was definitely handsome, in a dark dangerous way. The eye-brow piercing screamed rebel, the studs in his ears though - wannabe drug dealer – or maybe one of those gangsta rappers you would find all over town nowadays.

Still, Janie couldn't help but drool a little. It was a sweet sight to die to.

He was just how she liked her guys to be; a little buff, a little hairy, but still neat, his hair styled in a way that just told her he used up at least one tube of hair gel every month. He was devilishly handsome – and the sly smile tugging up the corner of his lips told her he knew it to. Or knew that she knew. Did he know she knew that he knew?

Who knows.

Before she could admire him longer, she was flipped onto her back and came to face her assailant for the first time – and almost fainted. He looked just the same as the other guy, minus the military clothing and the tatts and piercings, but there was no doubt those two must be twins.

Shaved hair, a murderous glint in his eyes that promised pain to anyone and everyone that dared cross him - or just basically anything that crossed his path, Janie didn’t know who she should be more afraid of. But when his hand came closer, the intention clear, she knew. It was this one. He was absolutely, murderously insane.

She felt her stomach drop when he squatted down beside her, his mouth opening wide in a teeth-displaying grin. Her eyes went wide.

“Stop that!” The heavily tattooed man stepped in and shoved his doppelganger away just to push some sort of device into her face that he had just pulled from his pocket. “We can´t kill her without testing her first. Gotta make sure she's not one of them.”

“Kill me?” Janie squeaked, shuffling away from them until her back was pressed up against an old beam. “Hell no! You can't kill me! I still have cake in the fridge that I didn't eat earlier because of my calorie count! You can't kill me before I had my slice of cake!”

The tatted one only rolled his eyes, coming closer with his device until he was right in front of her. With finality, he pushed a button. It started buzzing, three metal arms appearing along with something akin to a hologram. But before it could emerge it was knocked out of his hand from what looked like a giant flying stick that flew in a wide curve and back to where it came from. Standing on top of a six foot four high pile of wood, a man plucked it right from the air and Janie started to think she must be going insane because he looked like the homeless version of the other two. His clothes tattered, a beard that didn't really deflect one´s attention from his black eye, in his hand a fucking boomerang.

What the bloody hell?

"Fuck! That was our only prototype!" The tattooed man snarled, picking up the shattered piece of metal. Another crack was heard when his hand tightened around the handle, eyes narrowing dangerously in on the culprit. "Now I have no way of knowing if she's Divergent! Jeanine´s going to kill me, you incompetent fool!"

“Keep ya socks on.” Janie shrunk back, willing herself to wake up from his absurd dream when the heavily bearded one wearing a… trench coat, scrunched up his face and scratched his head a little lost. “I thought that was one of these things that make ma head explode, ya know? ...My bad.”

“My socks? My socks are on my fucking feet but my fucking screener is broken, you… what the fuck even are you anyway?!” Throwing his arm back, he hurled it towards the homeless version of himself who just barely managed to dodge it. They would have bickered on if not for a movement capturing their attention.

“What is this?” Another shadow emerged and Jeanie almost lost it, before she resigned with a heavy sigh when he stepped into the light. It´s was another one with the same features, the only difference that he was dressed in scrubs and his hair a little longer than the guy who had tried to kill her. His face was serious, almost fearful when he grabbed the phone from the ground, turning it in his hand.

��Skynet… Skynet…”

Jeez, he had a real case of the jitterbugs.

Suddenly, without warning, he threw his arm back and slammed it against the wall where it shattered into pieces. Janie jumped, eyes growing wide when she realized what he just did. Everyone stopped to stare at him.

“That was my phone!”

“Really, bud? Are you bonkers?” The scruffy one that was perched on a pile of wood like a predator ready to jump, shook his head.

 The Skynet looney didn't listen, an almost crazed expression taking over his face. He raked his hands through his hair, tugging harshly. Walking up and down, he mumbled to himself while everyone´s eyes were trained on him. Leaning forwards, Janie tried to catch it.

“It's here… It's seen me… How do I… What about Sar- OH, SARAH!” He stopped, eyes wide looking right at her.

“My name´is Janie…” Pointing at herself, she started to ask herself if her drink earlier had really just been tea. Maybe she had swallowed hallucinogens… or maybe she was going off the rails, bonkers like the scruffy one had so fittingly pointed out.

Stopping to stare at her, he stuttered.

“I… I don´t… SKYNET!”

“Alright.” Crossing his arms, Mr. tattoo shook his head in exasperation. “This one's clearly broken. But I could have told you that judging from the haircut alone… Seriously, man. Ever heard of hair gel? Even bush-boy over there is ahead of your rank.”

Scrunching up his eyebrows, the two of them stared at each other. “Skynet has taken over the whole world. How on earth am I supposed to get hair gel? I need mechanical parts... to build my time machine!”

"Well, that proves it, an absolute nutjob." Tatt's crossed his arms, scoffing to the others around him. "I'm supposed to be searching for Divergents and kicking Four´s ass, but you don't hear me whimpering over some time machine, do you?"

“Four? How are ya supposed ta kick a number?” The scruffy one questioned from his alleviated place.

“It´s his name.” He grumbled, flexing his jaw.

“Really?” Piped in the other one that had been awfully quiet if you didn’t count the attempted murder. His smirk was shiver-inducing. “What happened? One through three were taken?”

Slowly, the corners of the tattooed one's lips were rising until he wore an identical smirk. There was no doubt that these two must be brother´s; clones, or something like that. Janie was frighteningly overwhelmed, all she could do was stare from one to the other.

Before they could continue to talk about Skynet's, numbers, or for god´s sake, boomerangs, she stepped forward. With no real difference between the four of them, she would first have to know how to address them before kindly asking them to leave her barn.

“So,” She stepped in when the tattooed one opened his mouth. “It is really nice here, in the barn... after midnight... in October... but don't you think we should… wrap this up, yes?” When she got affirmative nods, she gave them a tense smile that was more of a grimace. “Great… so we have a Skynet, a boomerang, a mass-murderer and…” She turned to the tattooed one and stared at him expectantly. He looked like a biker, or one of those strange guy´s that were in gangs, tattoos and all.

 “A Leader,” he called himself.

"And a leader. Great. Fantastic" Walking backward, she inconspicuously made her way towards the door, gripping the handle. "Well, it was nice meeting y´all but I really have to –"

Turning, she came to face a sturdy chest and stumbled backward, away from those murderous eyes. The guy had already tried to kill her and once was enough for the day.

“Charlie,” he spoke, voice dark. “My name´s Charlie and I´m a construction worker for a German company. That´s what I do. All that I do.”

“That´s… nice,” Janie squeaked, feeling more than slightly threatened.

Walking backward, she stumbled into another sturdy chest. Whirling around, she came to face the leader guy cocking his head at her. “You were going somewhere?”

"Yeah…" she spluttered. "I have work in the morning, so… you know, the early bird catches the worm!" She swung her arm enthusiastically with the saying, trying to keep it cheerful.

“Early bird?...Great. Whatever. Since we are here with no way of getting back to the city… or wherever the hell they came from, it would be nice of you to show us our sleeping accommodations.”

Janie´s eyes widened. “Sleep – you want to sleep here?!”

"´ course, sweetheart." The boomerang guy grinned, jumping off the pile. He landed with a grace she wouldn't have expected from him. "I spent the last three years in a shithol´ before they shipped ma to Arkham. I would kill for a burger.”

Not liking his punctuation of the word killing, Janie gave him another one of her grimace-like smiles. “A burger… at one am in the morning…”

“I´m hungry, too,” piped up the one in the blue scrubs before awkwardly scratching his head.

“Yeah… Didn't she say something about cake earlier?” A voice coming directly from behind her had Janie jump which only made the tattooed one smirk, Charlie rolling his eyes.

“My cake – ” Janie protested but was cut off by the emo-version.

“Cake sounds fantastic. I hope it´s chocolate.” With an elaborate gesture of his arms, he stepped away from the door, clearing the path. “Lead the way.”

Shell-shocked by the happenings, Janie did not even think about protesting this time and pushed the door open, inhaling deeply the cold autumn air. Sadly, trying to make her hallucinations disappear did not work. Trudging after her, boots loud on the leaves, she led the four identical but so entirely different men to her house. After all, if they wanted to kill her, they could have done that in the barn, so why not let them into the house too?

She just hoped her cake would survive.

Turns out, Janie did not get her piece of cake. To be honest, after the four grown men were finished with her fridge, the only thing left was an old package of blue cheese that was well over three months old. They didn’t even leave her her peanut butter, those bastards.

At least she found out their names.

Charlie she already knew, after all, he had tried to choke her. She wouldn't forget him that soon.

The one clad in black; who had saved her life, was Eric. The other, Kyle, who still appeared rather disturbed. He was cowered away in the farthest corner of her kitchen, eyeing all of her electronic devices as if they would come to life at any second. She had to roll her eyes at that. They weren't in Transformers after all.

But if you asked Janie, a self-cooking oven was what she dreamed of at night.

 For Kyle, she had gone through her father´s old shirt, not being able to stand the pitiful sight of him in hospital scrubs. Now he was wearing old jogging pants and a tattered shirt that stretched too tight over his arms. Despite his anxious appearance, she had to admit he did have muscles.

Lastly, there was Boomer, or Captain Boomerang, or George ‘Digger’ Harkness, or daddy; like he had asked her to call him followed by a raaawr and a low purred ‘Kitten’.

If Janie hadn´t been doubtful of his - how should we say it - mental state, that would have had her almost convinced that something wasn´t quite right with the fellow. But what happened after letting her know he belonged nowhere else but in an asylum. Where he most likely came from. Perhaps grown up and raised, like in one of those bad horror movies.

 There was an old unicorn hidden away in her storage room where she had kept the mattresses for them to sleep on, and as soon as he saw the pink, fluffy unicorn, he lunged for it, shoving Charlie into an old closet. He hasn´t laid it down ever since; even took it with him into the bathtub, something Janie practically had to force onto him. But with Eric´s help, who blatantly refused to sleep beside him for a whole night while he was smelling like rotten fruit, it was manageable.

Janie felt more than a little insane for even entertaining the idea of letting all four of them live with her, but surprisingly, it worked out quite well and in the meantime, she learned a lot about her new subtenants.

Boomer, unsurprisingly came from the country down under which she had already guessed from his accent, not to mention the strange phrases he used. Busted after knocking his partner in crime out in the middle of the bank they had robbed by a guy in a red, leather body suit, he had been shipped to the US to play hero. But after watching his friend's head getting blown away; which he described with the most gruesome details, he suddenly found himself in the barn with no knowledge of how he had gotten there.

 The same with Eric.

Just like the Captain, he was a lot more full of himself than Janie liked a man to be, boasting and gloating like a parading cock. From what she understood, he was a leader of some sorts in a city that had been cut off from the outside for hundreds of years and was divided into groups, based on their genetic information. Whoever came up with that shit had no idea how genes really work, just saying.

All in all, he was a cocky arrogant bastard, but Janie couldn't help but find him attractive either way. There was just something about bad boys. But this one also had a brain.

From the other two, she had neither heard nor seen very much after that first evening. Kyle had been suspiciously silent, even while shoveling food into his mouth, the other´s starting to bring out the big guns. Not the muscles on their arms, no they were pretty similar, but their real ones.

Charlie, a company worker from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania and the only one that seemed to be from this century, as well as not an alternate timeline, prided himself into fabricating all his bullets by himself, as well as being a sniper. In fact, he had found his rifle and a full case of bullets in the barn where he had appeared. Janie had wanted to forbid him to bring it into the house, but Oh, well… Arguing with a psychotic gunman that had the rifle in hand wasn't that high on her life-goals list. In the end, they banned it into the attic to where he disappeared at once and did not come out for two days straight.

Eric´s gun, on the other hand, was a small one; almost like a child's toy but its deadly firing power was not to be questioned. Especially not when he started describing the initiation process –  and how much he hated one of his co-workers.

Janie could relate, she too wished to eliminate tattletale of the office, a woman named Patrice that was annoyingly persistent in wanting to be her friend.  

It got problematic however when Boomer started to display his weapons, a wide range of boomerangs hidden in the depths of his trench coat that he never took off. Not sure if it was an accident or a spontaneous burst of insanity but he pressed the button on one of the explosives. He had to haul his ass out the kitchen and into the garden, only just managing to hurl it away before it exploded against her favorite tree, smashing the old oak into pieces. The only reason the thing didn’t catch fire was the storm the night before, a sheen layer of wetness coating the bark and preventing a disaster.

Either way, the police came to investigate, alarmed by a frightened neighbor that had heard the bang even though he lived the quarter of an hour away. While Janie was busy placating them, because no, no one here blew anything up, three of the anarchists hid in the potato cellar while the other one just... vanished.

Later, and after being creeped out by the strange noises coming from under her stairs she would find him, curled up in a nest of blankets in the cupboard under the stairs, where he hid cables and machine parts. As soon as Janie poked her head through the door, cautious because she still hadn´t forgotten what happening in Conjuring, Kyle threw one of the blankets over his stuff, hiding it from her before screaming at her to get out.

Janie had only once witnessed such an outburst when her mother walked in on her brother with his inflatable girlfriend, an event that was never talked but always snickered about on family reunions, even long after he managed to score himself a real one.

So in all, the only time she heard or saw anything from Kyle was when he sneaked out to the fridge at eleven in the evening and really early in the morning. She was pretty sure he had not showered once yet and that the suspiciously yellow looking bottle beside him wasn´t filled with soda.

The thought alone made Janie shudder.

She was currently taking a long, hot shower to calm her nerves. Living with four full-grown men that either behaved like teenagers or sociopaths was too much even for her. When she had moved out from home with eighteen to attend college, she thought she never had to share her bath with an ape again (with ape she meant her three brothers that were equally loud and hairy as the former speciesism), still, here she was. Again.

Not only had Charlie come in unannounced and used the toilet before her very own eyes but not even ten minutes in, an ear-shattering scream had her flying out the bathroom, only covered with a towel.

Worried that someone had been seriously hurt, she sprinted to where she thought the scream to have come from and already expected to see a young woman pierced with one of Charlie's bullets, after all, which man had such a high-pitched voice?

Following the shouting, all she found was the Captain shouting profanities and Eric releasing a knife with a calculating smirk pulling up his lip.

The blade whizzed past Janie´s head, only centimeters away and landed with a dull thud that was followed by another outcry from his doppelganger.

“C’mon, man! Ya can´t do that! What has pinky eva done to ya?”

Eric rolled his eyes, flicking around yet another blade in his hand. “It´s pink.”

“Mate, It´s a unicor- NO!”

Flinching a second time, Janie clutched her towel to her chest, her voice coming out as a whizz. “What are you doing?”

“Target practice.” Eric´s wandering eyes were not lost on her and Janie felt herself blush a little, realizing that the skimpy towel just barely covered her ass. This fact was not lost on him, his smirk broadening.

“Thank fuck ya´re here!” Boomer threw his hands in the air before grabbing her, giving a few good shakes. “He´s killin’ ma unicorn! You gotta help me!”

“Alright, alright!” Freeing herself from his grasp, Janie made sure all her lady-parts were covered before turning to Eric, giving him her sternest gaze. “Give him pinky back.”

“You´re not serious, are you?” When his long hard stare was met by her long hard stare, he shook his head, chuckling sarcastically.

“Eric.” Cocking her hips to the side, she tried to not think about the fact that she was almost naked and he a very, very attractive man. Instead, she channeled her inner Oprah, despite the fact that she was dripping on the carpet. "How about you give him pinky back and instead use a… a ham or something like that! I don´t know…" When he raised one eyebrow at her, Janie threw her hands in the air.

Hand.

Janie threw her hand in the air, the other one clutching the towel tightly. She wouldn´t give the two of them a peep show. Even if Boomer was just interested in the wounded unicorn that was pinned to the wall with a knife in his abdomen.

“Just give him back the damn stuffy!”

“Fine.” His change in attitude was so fast, it gave Janie whiplash. Boomer sprinted towards the wall to free the wounded unicorn. Crocodile tears gathered in his eyes as he took in the damage left behind by three sharp blades, the stuffing starting to spill out. Reacting immediately before those two could start WW 3 in her living room, Janie promised to sew it up if he waited in the kitchen.

When he was gone, Janie turned to Eric. “You are really mean, you know?”

“I guess.” Scrunching up his face, he shrugged his shoulders. “But that´s usually how the girls like me.”

“Well, certainly not me.” Janie declared, staring at him challenging. Eric took a step closer, intense eyes almost scorching her.

“We´ll see.” His eyes raking over her semi-naked form, Eric could no longer suppress a smirk.

“Nice packaging for your fanny you got there. You should think about investing in some panties.”

With one last chuckle, he was gone, leaving a shell-shocked Janie that was scrambling to cover herself and her bald fanny behind. Finally alone, she sunk down on the couch and covered her eyes with her hands.

Only a week living with those anarchists and she was already well on the way to the looney bin. This level of stress definitely called for a night in her favorite PJ’s, a sweater mess of fluff and comfort that always made her feel like a fluffy bunny. Well, rather a fluffy bunny than a bald fa- you know what I mean.

At least she didn’t have to worry about Boomer anymore.

As soon as she patched the unicorn up, he was back to his old, rambunctious self – not the whinny little girl she had got to meet. When he started to rip the door to the closet under the stairs open just to scream ‘Karry Rotter in the cupboard under the stairs!' (so it really had been slutty Hermione) and run away, cackling like the maniac he is, Janie was almost tempted to behead the unicorn and leave it on his pillow. But she had heard to many horror stories about what kinds of animals were at home in Australia.

And she much rather have a unicorn called pinky in the house than a boa constrictor called choker.

Later that week, Janie had a date. Neither did she want to call it a date, nor did she like the guy, but Jean-Luke was an unpleasantly persistent guy. Countless times he had asked her out, seemingly taking every rejection in stride and still, his wounded puppy-dog eyes haunted. No longer able to ignore him – or his advances – she had accepted, unwillingly but he didn't care.

If one bad date would be enough to keep him from ‘accidentally meeting’ her at the theater and following her home, even though she knew he had in the past, then so be it.

If it should not be enough, there still was a psychopath sitting in her attic right now, thirsting for murder. She had no doubt in mind he knew how to make it look like an accident.

As six o’clock approached, Janie was just done applying one last coat of mascara, grabbed her clutch and made her way downstairs, careful to not trip over her heels as she descended the stairs, the clicking of her shoes heard through the whole house.

It drew Eric from the kitchen where he, face contorted in his usual scowl, tried to get the popcorn machine to work. There was another one of those secret agent movies and he was determined to watch them all.

But when he arrived in the hallway, bowl in hand and ready to snap at her, the sight in front of him was enough to shut him up.

The woman, who he usually only knew to be clad in amity jeans and those insanely strange fluffy pajamas that made him want to throw up, stood a few stairs above him, a small black number hugging every delicious curve of her body, her usually straight blonde hair pinned up in an intricate up-do, accentuating her simple but elegant make-up. When she looked up, blue eyes meeting grey ones, the only thing being heard was the bowl falling, shattering into a thousand pieces.

While they both stared at each other, Eric transfixed, Janie startled, everything around them exploded in chaos.

“Burglars! Hide yo’ loot!” The Captain came crashing into the hallway from his hide-out in the utility room, one of his explosive boomerangs raised high above his head while the red spot appearing on Eric´s chest announced Charlie´s arrival with the silence of a skilled killer. How he made his way down from the attic where he had laid low on the floor, scouting the grounds around the old farm through the lens of his semi-automatic weapon, his finger always on the trigger, was a mystery to them all.

Realizing there was no danger around, Charlie rolled his eyes and put the gun down while the Captain furrowed his brow, after wildly looking around but finding no one that tried to steal his treasures.

“Oi! What was that for, you wonker? I almost blew us all to shit, ya –”

He trailed off as he noticed the woman in front of him. Trying to cover up his freak out, he propped one hand against the wall, with the other trying to tame his unruly beard.

“Yo, doll, ya going somewhere?”

Before Janie could answer him, Eric had already pushed him away with an inauspicious but painful shove to the ribs, trying to get her attention back. But by now, all four of them were vying for her attention. Yes, I said four.

Even Kyle stuck out his head from the cupboard, the thought of having to destroy an evil A.I. forgotten at his first sight of creamy white thighs.

It made her a little uncomfortable having all of these strange men staring at her intensely so the knock on the door came just at the right time.

The only problem, that Eric was the first to answer, the Captain lurking around in the background, scaring the poor lad that was standing there with exactly four daisies in hand. If we were in a comic, the sight of the bulky, tattooed, as well as the hairy burglar-like men towering over his form, would have the flowers wilt on the spot but as it is, he only swallowed heavily, glad the exit behind him was clear.

Well, until the Captain stepped forward and clasped his back almost painfully. Still, it was the tattooed one that addressed him.

“You must be Janie's friend. We've all been waiting for you.”

“You… you were?” he stuttered, thinking that maybe he was at the wrong house. After all, Janie did not live with guys that looked like

a)   An underground fighter

b)   Some wannabe rapper that made his money with burglaries and drugs just to spend it on prostitutes after

And c) a creepy guy staring down the stairs while inauspiciously shoving something away from his line of sight.

And was this… did that guy really just come from the cupboard under the stairs?! What was this, freaking Harry Potter and the mob?!

“Of course.” Eric shoved Boomer out of the way, pulling Jean-Luke inside where he led him through the hallway into the kitchen. Janie only managed an awkward smile before he was gone again. When Charlie pushed past, she unfroze, hurrying after them as fast as her heels allowed it.

The sight that greeted her when she came into the kitchen was vying for the spot of the strangest encounter of her life, competing with the night she found the four anarchists in the barn of course.

Eric had politely forced Jean-Luke into a chair on the dinner table, taking a seat opposite of him while Kyle, being the only one that had mechanic experience battled with the coffee-machine, because that's what you do when you want to appear friendly. You invite people for a coffee.

Janie´s date looked utterly lost, eyes frantically flitting between the four men that all looked strangely similar. Did Janie have secret quadruple brothers?

He was convinced, avoiding the stare of the tattooed man, just to catch the eyes of another that was staring at him with what he could only describe as bloodlust. When the third started cackling to himself while picking his fingernails, he thought to himself that the one operating the coffee maker must be the normal one of the lot. That was until he placed a cup of brown water in front of his face with a satisfied smile.

All the poor man was able to do was smile back awkwardly. Whatever the hell their problem was. Every single one of them looked as if they lifted steel beams in the morning and whole cars in the evening.

“So…” Eric drawled, sending Kyle with a move of his hand to stand in the opposite corner of the room. “You wanna take Jan out, right?”

“Yes, that was the plan.” Trying to come over as the honest and hard-working man he is, Jean-Luke mirrored Eric´s stance, hands folded on the table and leaning forwards. But all he got in return was a disdainful glance from the man in front of him and a snicker from the Captain that had made himself at home on the old bench, busy inspecting what seemed to be his toenails.

“And where do you want to take her?” Hand closed around the cup in front of him, Eric´s tone was almost bored but like always the glint in his eyes gave him away. He was more than just interested.

Behind him at the other side of the room, Kyle took a sip from his cup and immediately spit it out again, all over Charlie´s shoes who retaliated with a muffled curse and a hit over the head.

“Ehh, there's this…” Ripping his gaze away from the strange scene before him, Jean-Luke’s focus switched over to the block tattoos that adorned his neck, asking himself how the man could have lived through so much pain. He only had one tattoo of his own, a little fairy on his right butt cheek, a reminder to never bet on anything while drunk – especially not on ducks.

...Don´t even ask.

“There's this new restaurant that just opened in town. We got reservations in like, thirty minutes, so we have to leave soon…”

“Yeah, right. And you will have her back before midnight?” Recoiling in surprise, Jean-Luke furrowed his brows.

“No offense, but are you her brother´s or something like that?” He laughed awkwardly, trying to hide how uncomfortable he felt in their presence but trailed off quickly when no one joined him.

“Something like that.” Eric tilted his head and Jean-Luke suddenly got the feeling that he just failed an important interview. He stayed basically iced onto the chair while the other men started trickling out of the room one after another, Eric stopping in the threshold to fix him with one last stare.

“Midnight, yeah?”

“Yes, of course!” He jumped at the opportunity to reassure him. “She´ll be back way before then… Not way, no, but in time. Yes, just in time.”

Alone in the kitchen, Jean-Luke rambled on and on while Janie stood in the other room, earning herself a wink from the Captain and the rare sight of Eric wearing a self-satisfied smirk. Those were usually kept for himself.

“Good luck with that one.” Bending over, Eric´s mouth was right beside her ear, breath washing over her face. “You'll definitely need it.”

With another chuckle, that was worthy of a real villain, he followed his three doppelgangers into the depths of the house while Janie stayed back, already exhausted before the night had even started.

Closing her eyes in horror, she rubbed her forehead as she relived every single word that had been spoken in her once tranquil kitchen that was slowly being taken over by a bunch of wildlings.

She was in for a long night.

The date went to hell, or should she say to the doppelgangers. Not that Janie had wanted to go out in the first place, but spending the whole night being badgered with questions like ‘Who were they?’ or ‘Where did they come from’ made it even worse. But when Jean-Luke asked if they were here for a porn production she had just had enough. Cutting their date short may have just been the best thing she experienced the whole week.

Well, except, of course, the day before. She and the three (Kyle was hiding in the closet under the stairs again; all she heard from under there were mechanical clunks and a few groans and Janie hoped it was because he had hit his head, not something else) guys went grocery shopping. She had had enough, having to carry around heavy bags when she had three guys of which not one skipped leg day, and it was obvious.

Not just to her but also to the other women from the village who were out for their weekly errands. Janie had never gotten so many scandalous stares, but at least every one of them was envious.

Envious that she had three guys at home, men that helped with the shopping while theirs were wasting away on their couches, beer in one hand, the remote in the other. She would bet that at least half of them would trade their husbands (and bag-sized dogs) in for one night with one of her men.

 Little did they know, that Eric got up every morning at six am, made scrambled eggs and coffee, only for himself, before training until his shirt was soaked through, stinking up her whole garage.

That Charlie, ever since he found his sniper, spent most of his days lying in the attic with his gun, scouting out the area.

That Kyle had created something akin to a lair beneath her stairs, stealing blankets and disassembling her electronic devices because he was searching for parts to build a time machine with.

That the Captain liked to strip down naked and walk through the house. Or that she was convinced he had used her laptop to watch porn. OR, that she discovered it really was a slutty version of Hermione, giving head to the headmaster.

Yeah, living with them wasn't as great as one would have thought.

After three weeks of Boomer lounging around in front of the TV with his hand in his sweatpants (yuck), Charlie building a fort in her attic, Eric having a mental breakdown because he had nothing or no one to beat up and Kyle being holed up in the cupboard that started to emit a strange smell, not even mentioned the clanks and cluttering at night, Janie had enough. She needed a whole day just to herself, with no suggestive glances, no bitching about pointless stuff and especially no guns.

Just this morning, Charlie´s gun went off in the middle of breakfast. He almost shot Kyle in the ass and managed to destroy her favorite vase, so they had to go. All of them. Just for a few short hours of uninterrupted me-time.

Janie asked herself if that´s what motherhood felt like and she seriously hoped not.

To send them out, exploring the wilderness around the cottage was just one of the best things she could have done.

A long, relaxing bath, a good book and several chocolate bars later she felt as if she could deal with the whole bunch again. She even had the time to clean the cupboard, exchange a few of the blankets, leftover food from two weeks ago and the full bottle that most certainly was not lemonade (double-yuck). The other thing she found was mechanical parts, lots of them, that have been assembled to a one-foot-high round device, that seemed to be a work in progress. Shifting through the parts, Janie could have sworn that at least one of them belonged into her washing machine that suspiciously stopped working a few day´s ago. As well as her clock, her cell phone, and the remote control.

That bastard.

The only reason he must have left the TV alone was, that Boomer would have skinned him alive. His new-found love for soccer instead of cricket made him a little more violent than usual. Well, as long as it made Kyle happy and prevent him from going off the rails, she was okay with it. The washing machine needed replacement either way.

However much she loved the solitude, after dust was setting in, Janie began to worry. What if they got lost on their way home. Or worse, got arrested for trying to rob the local bank? God knows they have the skills for it. Kyle would be the one to keep watch, Charlie would take out the security as stealthy as a snake, Boomer would break open the bank vault and Eric would help carry the loot.

The longer Janie thought about it, the more vivid her imagination became and she was just about to jump up and go search for them, maybe on the police station, when the front door opened.

Face red from the chilly autumn air, Kyle was the first to come in, closely followed by Eric and the other two. Janie breathed a sigh of relief because neither of them looked bruised or battered in any way. Them killing each other would have been the second point on her very long list.

But the relief was short-lived because Boomer opened his coat to expose a cat nestled into his warmth. As if on cue, the other three stretched out their arms, presenting Janie three mini-me´s of the big one. Kittens.

Where the hell did they get kittens?

“Where the hell did you get kittens?” Janie asked quite loudly, already fearing the worst.

“Found them on the street. Don´t worry, we didn’t steal them.” Eric rolled his eyes, putting his kitten back into his pocket.

“This little mama was screamin’ for meh to get her. Look at that fluff!” The Captain raked his finger´s through her fur and was promptly rewarded by a loud purring. “She´s purrin’ louder for me than most of me kittens.”

A resonating groan echoed through the room and Janie scrunched up her face. She had always hated when someone called her that. But she had no doubt that most of the women Boomer associated with liked to do strange things in the bedroom. The tales she heard could never be forgotten. They were burned into her memory so deep, not even bleach would help.

“Can we keep them?”

“No – what? No!” Janie heaved a frustrated sigh, raking a hand over her face. “We can´t keep them.” Four heads snapped up, varying between shock and anger.

“Why not?” Charlie questioned, his unnerving gaze trailed onto her.

“Just… because!” Janie stuttered, trying to come up with a valid reason. “Because… the dog doesn´t like cats! That´s it. And we all don´t want kitten kebab, right?”

The looks being thrown her way almost made her feel as if she was the kitten murder. It didn´t help that in the same moment the dog came in, trotted over to where Boomer held the mother and gave her a lick before laying down on his bed.

Janie felt her resolve crack under their accusing stares. She threw her hands in the air.

“Fine! Keep them.” Pointing with her finger at them, she narrowed her eyes. “But you will be cleaning the litter tray!”

It turned out, that keeping those smoll fluff balls of love may have just been the best that´s happened to Janie in the last month. Boomer finally had an occupation of his time, instead of just watching TV and drinking beer he spent most of the time in the laundry room where the kittens could toll around freely. The mother-cat, with the new-found name Miss Dixy, was in love with him.

If she didn´t look after her babies, she slept curled in his lap, or on his chest, wherever she could. Eric was enamored with the complete black little tomcat, claiming that he matched his clothes while Charlie always carried around the orange-striped one that he´d named Sandy, after a long-lost love.

Even Kyle came crawling out of the cupboard for an hour a day to watch them roll around and play. Not once had Janie heard Boomer call him Karry Rotter after that.

They all seemed to get along.

One afternoon, just a week shy of Halloween, Janie was sitting in her kitchen, reading through the daily paper when Eric joined her. Looking up, she raised her eyebrows.

“Where are Tweedledee and Tweedledum? I thought you were a package deal?”

"Not today." He suppressed a snicker. "Miss Dixie peed on his coat, right onto pinky."

“Oh no!” Janie groaned. “And Kyle dissembled the washing machine…”

“Yeah, he´s been scrubbing and whining the past twenty minutes.” No matter how much he tried to hide it, Janie saw the satisfaction ghosting over Eric´s face. Stepping closer to the cabinets, he pulled out a pan. “You already ate?”

“Nope. Just wanted to start cooking.” Getting up with a sigh, Janie was not prepared to be pushed back into her chair. When she whirled around, Eric´s face was unreadable.

“We all know I´m a better cook anyway.”

“Oh, really?” Janie raised her eyebrow and sat back. “Then let´s see.”

And see she did.

With a grace that was reserved only for dancer´s and the masters of material arts, Eric made his way through the kitchen, pulling out herbs and other ingredients as he went. Within minutes the mouthwatering smell of well-prepared food floated the kitchen. Janie´s eyes not once left his body.

With her chin leaned on the backrest, she spoke what she had thought countless times these past few weeks.

“You know, you always insist that you´re so scary. But honestly, you´re not half bad.”

Eric let out a loud, carefree laugh. Grabbing a pinch of salt, he poured it over the dish, turning off the stove

“That´s what she said.” With a wink, he shoveled the omelet onto the plate and placed it in front of her. “Bon Appétit.”

While she stared at the plate flabbergasted, he was already gone, vanished in the depths of the old cottage. Janie felt a strange tweak in her chest. She had never had a man cook for her, nonetheless in such a casual way. As if they did this every day.

A nice, kinda warmish feeling.

Curious, if the omelet would taste as good as it looked, Janie picked up the fork and took a bite. When the flavors exploded on her tongue, she had to suppress a moan. It was even better.

“Jan, ya there?”

She looked up from her book, furrowing her brow at the Captain's strange behavior; acting like a little boy surely did not suit him.

“Yes, what can I help you with?” Closing the book, she cocked her head at him when he started rubbing his neck.

"Ya see… there´s a…" He scrunched up his nose, bowing forward towards her ear. The last thing he wanted was the other buggers to hear him talk about his tallywhacker. He didn't discriminate between men and women but this would go a little far, even for him. Making sure one last time no one was around, he whispered at her. "There´s a bushfire going on, you know, down there…”

Blinking incredibly, Janie´s stare wandered from his face to the bulge right in front of her face that he covered with one of his hands, obviously scratching his itch right in front of her face. Before she could regain her countenance, Eric strode into the room, a book of his own in hand. Barely sparing the two of them a glance, he went over to the cabinet and poured himself a drink while the Captain squirmed uncomfortably in his spot, trying to be inconspicuous. But with years of experience around crabby teens - no pun intended - Eric knew exactly what was going on.

Turning around, he leaned against the wooden shelf, taking a sip of his drink, keeping a straight face despite the burn in his throat he asked casually.

“You shagged a sheep?”

Sputtering, the Captain straightened up, looking at the other man in horror. " ‘course not! Whatcha talkin ‘bout?! My willy´s going nowhere near a jumbuck! I´m not that toey!"

“Really?” Eric raised one eyebrow, hiding his smirk behind the rim of the tumbler. “Never looked at one thinking it was a good root?” Eric taunted him further, enjoying easy prey in the bastard way.

“No!” Boomer called out again, his face immediately falling as he stumbled over his words, shooting the woman in front of him a quick glance. Every chance of getting her for a good shag just flew outta the window. “But… There was this orange…” he surrendered, trailing off.

Janie stilled in her seat, suddenly realizing why she had found at least three different oranges with only holes in them laying around in her utility room. She shuddered violently, thinking about how she touched them. Of course, it hadn't been the dog!

“So…” Eric trailed off before coming straight to the point. “You decided to fuck an orange?”

“The computer told meh to!” the Captain cried out, glancing at the shocked woman to his side. “I was searching fer vids when SheepShagger69 told me to just make a hole and put it intah the microwave!”

“I know. I found your browser history.” Eric rolled his eyes, shaking his head. But when he fixed the Captain with another stare, he could no longer suppress a smirk. “You know, Janie really has a nice collection of rosehips. Luckily, she freed them from all of their seeds because they itch like hell…”

Both Janie and the Captain understood the underlying message in the same moment and she watched Boomer's face slowly turning red as he realized what exactly Eric had done, a malevolent glint sparkling in his eyes that promised manslaughter.

“YA FUCKING PUT ITCHING POWDER INTO MA ORANGE?!”

Not a second after the words had left his mouth, Boomer lunged for him, knocking him straight into the old oak wood wardrobe and both went down. All Janie could do was watch first in horror, then slowly resignation took over while both men were swinging at each other, rolling around and bumping into the furniture.

Without another word, she got up and left with a new resolve. Never again would she buy anything fragile and never, ever in her life would she touch something she didn’t know where it came from.

Or where it had been.

Clad with the laundry basket under her arm, Janie was on her way to her bedroom. Because the washing machine was out of order, she had to use the antique laundry tub in the second, older barn. Not only did her hands burn from the hard, unusual work but her whole appearance was in disarray, being splashed with water for so often. That was, why when Kyle called her name she was reluctant to go see him. A shower sounded so much better.

But because she was such a great person and he never really bothered her, Janie turned around and gave him a smile.

“What can I help you with?”

Scratching his head, Kyle seemed to have no idea where to start. “I want you to know that I appreciate it, everything you´ve done for us. I mean, the cooking, the cleaning up after us, washing our clothes by hand… By the way, sorry for that.” Scrunching up his nose, he gestured towards the basket that she had cocked up on her hips.  “I just… I think it´s time for me to go home.”

“Go home?” Janie questioned a little confused, setting the basket on the floor so she could focus on Kyle. “How would you do that?”

“You see, I´ve been working on the solution for the past few weeks now and I finally got it right.”

“So you´re leaving?” Janie asked, only realizing how upset she sounded when she had already spoken. Kyle gave her a sad smile.

“Yes.”

"Oh, okay…" Lost, Janie had no idea what she should do until she was suddenly enveloped by a pair of sturdy arms. Reciprocating his hug, she realized that even though he was a lot skinnier than Boomer, for example, he could most likely still crush a small vehicle with that muscles of his.

“I´m going to miss you.”

And she spoke the truth. Over those four weeks, she had known those four anarchists, she somehow got to like every single one of them, even Charlie, though he still scared her sometimes. She had got accustomed to the metallic clattering in the dead hours of the night, as well as bursts of steam wafting through the slits. If Janie wouldn´t have known a mechanic was working in the cupboard under the stars, she could have mistaken it for a wizard.

Pressing her against his chest one last time, Kyle released her.

„You´re really nice, and I would love to stay for a little bit longer but...“

"Sarah." Janie nodded, giving him a warm smile. In the few hours, he had spent with her in the living room while the others were out wreaking havoc she had gotten to hear quite a bit of her. And even though he didn´t know her all that much, Janie knew he was head over heels."

A smile tugged up the corners of his mouth, a strange spark behind his eyes.

“Yeah, she´s waiting for me to come home. Well, to Los Angeles in 1987 but that´s just figures…” He stared at Janie for a long time before shrugging his shoulders. “I guess this is goodbye?”

"Yes." Giving him a sad smile, Janie took a step back. "I´m going to miss you, Kyle. You strange guy."

“I´m going to miss you too. I will think of you when I defeat Skynet.”

“You do that!” Janie laughed and picked up the basket, a small sliver of melancholia tugging in her chest. “I hope everything turns out well for you.”

“For you too. Goodbye Janie.” With one last wave, he disappeared back into the cupboard. When the door closed behind him, Janie knew she would never see him again.

The other´s found her sitting in the hallway with the basket on her lap two hours later. Veiled by white fog that came from the cupboard forty minutes ago, Eric almost stumbled over Janie´s feet, just to stop short in his path and be run over by Boomer. Shooting him a glare, he perched down in front of Janie, scrutinizing her face closely.

“Everything´s alright?”

“He´s gone.” Was all she answered, cocking her head.

“Who´s gone?” Charlie inquired before shoving Boomer out of his way and the door to the cupboard open. A new surge of smoke wafted into his face, making him cough. But when it cleaned up enough for him to see, he turned around with furrowed brows. “He´s gone.”

“I know.” Janie sighed, getting up from the floor. She had heard the exact moment he left, the buzzing and whirling coming to a new high that had the house shake in its foundation. Then, all had become still. Kyle was gone. “I’ll need a new washing machine, but at least he´s home now.”

“You think so?” Eric asked, crossing his arms over his chest.

"Well, I hope so. No idea where he´d end up at if not in LA 1987." With one last look at the circular machine in the middle of the cupboard, she walked into the kitchen, all three trailing behind her like lost kittens.

“Now,” She threw open the door of the fridge. “who wants cake?”

The 31st of October, one of Jamie´s favorite holidays: Halloween.

Dressing up had always been one of her favorite past times, if it was dresses from the 18th century England, her mother´s favorite lingerie or those huge yellow blobs they called minions – it didn´t matter. As long as she was disguised so heavily not even her mom recognized her, everything was well. Or not, if you counted that time she called the police because the Babadook was haunting her house. It was an uncomfortable night and many uncomfortable days of being grounded afterward.

Still, she just loved it.

Spending the day carving a pumpkin with the three as well as trying to hide the candy from Boomer (not that many ever came out this far, but still) the hours flew by and before she knew, dusk was settling in, an eerie feeling adding to the spooky atmosphere. Having put the men in charge of installing the pumpkin light chains, an effortless try to tire Boomer out for the night, Janie was busy finishing up the pumpkin-spice soup when she heard the tell-tale slamming shut of the front door.

Raised voices alerted her that something was wrong. Pulling off the apron, she hurried into the foyer.

Squaring up to each other, Boomer and Charlie were facing off, the gunmen’s skin flushing a dangerous shade of red. “You stabbed me!”

Holding up his bleeding hand for all to see, Janie´s eyes widened in disbelieving.

“T’was an accident!” Boomer shouted back, no feelings of guilt marring his conscious.

Gritting his jaw, Charlie took a step closer, pointing his finger into Boomer´s face. “Twice!”

Diverting his stare at the ceiling, Boomer scrunched up his face in concentration. After a short moment, he shrugged his shoulders. “Well, two accident´s.”

“You little…!” Charlie´s advances at Boomer were intercepted by Eric stepping in between, doing nothing but stare at him. Seizing him up, for a moment it seemed as if Charlie would try to take him on too but ultimately, he knew it was a bad idea and stepped back. Even a serial-killer training couldn’t match up to Eric´s routine.

When it came to exercising, Eric was like a mad-man possessed.

Trying to diffuse the situation, Jamie stepped in between them pushing Charlie back with her palms on his chest when tried getting to Boomer, who did nothing but grin at him.

“What the hell is going on?” Janie demanded to know, making her voice as stern as she could. When both men started yelling simultaneously, she turned to Eric.

He could barely suppress a grin.

“Captain here thought the knife from the box wasn´t a real one so he tested it out… twice.”

“RIGHT INTO MY FUCKIN’ HAND!” Charlie shouted, lashing out. The sound of porcelain breaking against the wall had Janie jerk, the men were unfazed.

Until a voice resonated in the room that belonged to none of the four.

"Nah, nah. Why so violent? There is nothing to be upset about." Whirling around, Janie came to face an elderly man in a full-blown Halloween costume. A beard going well over his chest, his hair almost the same length was covered by a large hat with a pointed end. His walking stick was frighteningly huge and sturdy enough to knock someone on their arse with. But his clothing was the most bizarre because it was -

“Is that a cloak?” Eric asked incredibly, eyebrows pulled up into his hairline. Boomer grunted out a disagreeing sound.

“Nah, I think it´s one of those maxi-dresses the more corpulent women like to wear. You know, to hide their titties…”

“Silence!” The man bellowed, throwing Boomer a glare that surprisingly did shut him up. “We are not here to converse about my choice of attire, which is, if I may say so, the hottest shit in Mordor –“

“What´s a Mordor?” Boomer whisper-asked Eric who just shrugged his shoulders, the corners of his mouth slowly pulling down. Narrowing his eyes, he spoke up, suspicion laced in his voice. “Who are you?”

“It is, in fact, a kingdom.” The hooded man answered with a sigh. “And my name is Gandolf, the grey.”

For a moment everything was silent, then:

“Your name is Gandolf, the grey?” Boomer exploded into a fit of giggles that grew worse with each passing second. Choking on his own voice he wheezed out: “An’ ya´re from Mordor?  Where´s tha’? Right nex’ to Hogwarts?” Taking a few deep breaths to calm himself, Boomer brushed away a stray tear. “ For meh ya lookin’ like an idiot in a cloak. Better get back to you´re nursin’ home, old man.”

"Enough!" Eye´s blazing, Gandolf, the grey, slammed the end of his walking stick into the ground, making not only Boomer but also the other two freeze on their spots. Wide-eyed, Janie gaze flew from the petrified men towards the wizard, taking a cautious step back.

“Now that those big-mouthed idiots are quiet, we shall have our talk.”

“O-our talk?” Janie squeaked out, wishing that the knife Boomer abused was somewhere near. If she should go from this world it would not be with twenty-six. No, she´d be at least forty-seven, unmarried with 12 cats. When they would finally find her corpse, three weeks later there would not be much left of her. After all, her darlings had to eat.

“Of course, our talk. I am sincerely sorry for sending you those four idiots, there was a slight mix-up in our wish-granting factory.” Gandolf sighed.

“A… a mix-up.” Janie asked unbelievingly, staring at him. She consciously chose to disregard the wish-granting thing.

"Yes, you see," He started, gesturing for her to take a seat on the bench right beside the shoe rack. With shaky legs, she sunk down. "Right at the moment, you wished for your perfect man, a woman in an alternative reality that was in a bit of trouble wished upon the gods for them to save her. You see, her husband had to sell himself into slavery and she wished for someone to bring him back to her. Your two wishes were confused.

I would have liked to right this wrong, but by the time we realized what went wrong, the four meant for you had already, sadly, found their end in an arena by the hand of a very vicious lion.

I am sincerely sorry for that.”

Nodding along to everything he said, Janie felt just the same, if not even crazier than the night she found the four anarchists in her barn. “So… my perfect men are… dead?”

"I fear so." Gandolf sighed. "And they were the last one of their kinds we produced. Semi-hard working, slightly homophobic men, just a tiny, weeny bit. They would have been perfect in the beginning, charming you off your pants until you said yes, then impregnated you in your wedding night before forcing you to quit your job. Three kids later, two too much for their liking, but they had insisted after you worked day and night to keep the house clean and your body in shape, they would have to work longer and longer. Then weekends, whole trips with the firm.

After a talk with one of his colleagues, you would finally find out that he has had an affair for as long as his new secretary worked for him. First you´d ignore it, try to keep the appearances up but when they got bolder, even doing it on your kitchen counter, you know because you found her thong in the cupboard beside your kid´s lunch boxes you would have enough.

Following a divorce, a few one-night stands with bikers from the freeway that frequent the local pub and a steamy affair with your twenty-year younger gardener, a son that hates you and a daughter with an attention deficit, because all she´s interested in are boys and makeup.

For the next ten years you lived comfortably off of life-support, draining his sorry-ass dry and while you live your self-centered life, your husband's girlfriend would leave him for someone more successful, he gets bald and a beer-pouch until he ultimately looks like the slimebag he is. How does that sound?"

“Just like I always imagined it to be.” Janie sighed almost dreamily. It sounded like a dream come true.

“Too bad.” Gandolf shrugged his shoulders. “Either way, I hope you found your match under those four. The other ones were insanely… bland. Well, the lion didn´t think so but still. No matter how insane, I´m sure their body fat percentage is just as low as the number of premature ejaculations in life.” He took a long look at Boomer. “Maybe not him… looks as if he´d shot like a rocket after a little hanky-panky in the backseat.

Sooo… which one of the four do you want?”

Turning around, Gandolf stared at her expectantly.

“Three…” Janie stuttered. “There are just three left. Kyle went home just last morning.”

“Oh right.” He scrunched up his face before rolling his eyes. “Home? Pfft! Transported himself into the Italy of the 17th century that bullock, naked as the day he was born. Had to get him back from there.” Nodding his head as a wide-eyed Janie, he continued.

“Kyle was trapped in an atelier with no way of getting out without being burned at a stake. Indecent exposure plus strange language… they would have totally branded him as a witch. Luckily the guy owning the house understood a bit of mechanics, he was alright. Even made us a tea.

But I think we left quite the expression on him.” Turning his stick in hand, Gandolf sighed.

“Now somewhere in this world, a painting of an old, bearded man in a cloak and a naked idiot dramatically stretching his hand in the air are branded onto a ceiling. Thanks very much for that.”

"I´m sorry?" Jamie spoke hesitantly, just willing him to stop speaking in riddles. All that was not comprehensible for her poor brain.

“It´s alright, dear.” Gandolf fixed her with a long stare, her state of mind obvious to him. He decided to have mercy on her. “I´m going to take them with me now. Well, two of them at least. The one your heart solely most desires. I hope it chose wisely.”

Janie wanted to ask him what he meant by that but before she could even move a finger, a darkness slowly settled over her and she could feel her consciousness slipping away. She could just hope it wouldn´t be Boomer.

Even a life in an asylum sounded better than being forced to live with a maniac like him.

Janie awoke to the smell of breakfast wafting up into her little bedroom. A small smile on her lips, she got out of bed, slipped into her dressing gown and the fluffy slippers before making her way downstairs into the kitchen. There he was, her man, making scrambled eggs without his shirt on, a sight she could very well get used to.

Walking up to him, she slung her arms around his waist and rested her cheek on her back. Turning his head, she could just barely see his lips pulling up into a lazy smile while he flipped around the eggs without missing a beat

“Smells great.” Janie muttered, rubbing her face on him before pressing a kiss to his bare skin.

“I know.” All she got in return was a cocky grin. “Sit down, I’ll bring you your coffee.”

"Alright." Only half following his orders, she perched herself up on the kitchen counter, a sly smile on her lips. Just until he bent forward and bit her bottom lip in warning.

“Careful kitten.”

“Raaawr.” Pretending to extract her claws, Janie only earned herself a heated glare, that was warning and promise at once. With one sweep, he grabbed her hip and pulled her from the counter, ignoring her loud squeal. Instead of taking her up into the bedroom again, like yesterday night, he set her down onto the bench much to her chagrin.

But she wasn´t grouchy for long, the food he placed in front of her simply too delicious to pout over.

Shoveling eggs in her mouth while simultaneously trying to look sexy, Janie thought about what her life had become in just a few short weeks. What difficulties she had to face with the four of them and how she came to find the one she had desperately wishing for. Not one that would cheat on her as soon as she got her first wrinkle but someone she could spend the rest of her life with, even when she was old and fat.

Someone that wouldn´t leave her even when she was on her period and cranky, or bloated and pregnant. Not a hanger-on in a stage of her life but someone to walk along the whole way, no matter how far it would be.

Yes, Janie wished upon a star. She wished for a man she thought should be the one but instead, she got a maniac. A glitch of the universe, maybe it was fate. She was starting to feel it, a certainty deep inside her chest that she hoped to be able to tell about when she was old, a grandmother.

He was the love of her life.

Her leader.

(Kyle... what did you do?!) 

[ploddingaroundtheglobe]

Phuket- Patong

Phuket, a rainforested, mountaineous island in the Andaman Sea, most popular beaches and clear waters on the Western shore. Many high end, seaside resorts, spas and restaurants. Phuket City is the capital, old shophouses and busy markets. Patong is the main resort town, many nightclubs, bars and discos. The best time to visit november to april as its usually dry weather during these months.

Patong Beach is quite over priced in comparison to the other places in Thailand, mainly due to the influx of tourists in this area. It is difficult to walk around Patong without been pushed and pulled between small shops and businesses. “You will hear look my shop, you want massage, suits, weed, anything you like”. Tom couldn’t miss on the opportunity to ask for a “sucky”? And the reply been “sucky, suck, yeeah”!

There are many night food markets and lots of street food options in Patong. The mixture of smells in the air, sewage, humidity and food been cooked outside. Phuket has a vivid smell, you will know what I mean if you have been here before. Both times me and Tom visited here, we both got food poisoning. Buying street food can have its pros and cons. Word of advice avoid seafood on a stick. The heat and storage of the seafood, temperature allows for bacteria to thrive. When me and Tom had the crab sticks, I felt immediately sick. The night was spent expelling from both ends. Rough night had, but 24 hours later recovery begun with the help of diarrlyte and gatorade to rehydrate, easing in with dry bland foods. However the Crepes of Thailand are amazing, no problems with them and watching them been made its fun too!

Bangla road is a long walking street, where all the bars, night clubs and seediness takes place. Be sure to be hassled night and day by locals on the street, trying to sell tickets to the ping pong show. A show in which Thai women retain and eject various objects from their vaginas. Examples from our experience, were budgies, baby turtles and dart firing. Tom volunteered to take part, him and several other men, stood in a line with inflated balloons hanging from their mouths. The elderly thai women who looked like she had been doing this exercise for a few years, fired darts from her vagina popping the balloons with just one dart. Pretty impressive but also bit strange. A bit like Sticky Vicky in Benidorm. Tom wanted to video part of the show so he could show friends back home of the disturbing things we got up to in Thailand. Straight away a green lazer pen beam was on him, and lots of security were around us, forcing Tom to delete the footage. Maybe it was for copy right issues haha! The drinks in the venues are extortionate compared to the other bars, they also state at the end you have to spend a certain amount before you can leave, another money making scam from tourists. There are lots of these in Thailand especially Patong.

When you walk along Bangla Road, you see many lady boys and prostitutes stood outside their bars or strip clubs, enticing men to enter. Women inside dancing on the go go bars, elderly men drooling over them! Sad that women have to make a living this way really.

Not far from Patong is a place you can Bungy called Jungle bungy jumps. The clue is in the name. The location is within the rainforest. Jumping into a brown lake. Taken up in a lift up a crane, you are strapped in at the top where you swan dive out and fling head first dunking into the lake if you are lucky. Tom conquered the jump, however I was still recovering from my dodgey stomach I probably would have shit myself before the jump! There are various outdoor activities in Phuket. We also did the white water rafting which was amazing.

Highlight of our time in Phuket was visiting the Soi dog sanctuary. It was established in 2003 to help street cats and dogs, when there is noone else to care for them. 70,000 strays roamed around the island at that time, with growing numbers daily. Main reason being the lack of resources to spay and neuter the animals to control the population. Programme was created to manage strays and their medical needs. The money raised from people who shared and continued to share. To make this foundation successful. Their aim is to end suffering of animals by rescuing ,fleaing, treating, vaccinating, providing shelter and organising adoption for the animals. Results show; 16,121 animals rescued from the meat trade, 399,460 sterilised and vaccinated, 8,873 sick and injured animals treated last year, 944 dogs and cats adopted also last year. Soi dog sanctuary is open to visitors mon to friday, guided tours running, 0930, 11, 1330, 1430, free of charge. We had to go along and see the animals and we gave them a donation to help with their amazing charity. We loved our time with the dogs and it reminded us of our dog Fudge back home. We grew fond of a dog with only 3 legs working, he run around like he was tipsy, greeting us by biting on our shoes. If we could have adopted him we would. We met another English women from Manchester on our tour, spent most the day remembering our dogs back home.

Phuket is popular for stroking tigers and riding elephants. On our previous holiday we was guilty of doing both those excursions. However this time round after previous experience we was totally against it. The tigers are drugged to make it safe for tourists to use the animals for their own benefits, taking photos and petting the tigers. We know this because when we visited the tiger was asleep the whole time. Pretty sad really, the elephant riding is also cruel, the elephants are abused by their owners and locked in chains so they perform for the tourists, this brings the money in for the locals. Thinking about it we do not need to ride the elephants or stroke the animals, we can simply enjoy watching them out in the wild, and appreciate their need for privacy too.

The Simon Caberet show is a must in Patong, the extravagant show made up with lady boy dancers in sparkly attire, they look amazing and they really do look like women.

We met lady boy friends in Patong, mainly because they were fond of Tom haha. We met one who shouted to Tom hello Number 7 i like you, hence the fact he was wearing a t shirt with the number on the back. The locals are very friendly but you have to be careful as sometimes their kindness can be mistaken for their actual intentions, i.e getting money from you.

Our next destination was from Phuket to Pattaya via sleeper bus, a very long journey.

[xyliane]

sugarhighs and chaperones

summary: just because people ship gon and killua, doesn’t mean they realize gon and killua are already together. killua’s daughter and a motley crew of his students take it upon themselves to correct this issue. leorio does not understand how he keeps getting roped into these things.

notes: a very special thanks to @sunfloweranimator whose comment on a previous headcanon post lead to...this mess. gen, fluff featuring inedal zoldyck, fourteen year old troll, leorio paladiknight who is too old for this shit but it’s not his problem if the kids are sugarhigh, a collection of well-meaning but ridiculous students, and killugon in their thirties. 1800 words.

notes the second: I’m so sorry for the delay, but next chapter of “all roads” is going up in the next few days! I was computer-less for most of the weekend still need to edit and this was half-phone-words

---

“Hey oldest geezer, I’ve got a question.”

“Inedal, you’re my favorite fourteen year old, but you know you can call me Leorio. Or Uncle Orio, like your siblings. Or Dr. Paladiknight if you feel polite for once.”

“But if Dad is the geezer, then you’re the oldest geezer.”

Leorio is immediately and viscerally reminded that Inedal is Killua’s daughter to an almost terrifying degree, her voice over the phone matter of fact like she’s stating the obvious for an idiot. He carefully turns away from the chart he’d been staring at to press fingers against his already pulsing forehead. He’s almost used to Killua’s oldest calling him at odd hours about topics ranging from wrapping sprains (so Killua won’t know) to how to unbreak a broken lockpick (so Killua will know). But usually, she just barges in with whatever it is she needs, knowing Leorio will have what she needs. That she’s hedging means either she’s growing up or wants something she’s not comfortable with. “So what’s your question?” he says.

She hums tunelessly, probably flipping a coin or a knife across her knuckles. Leorio almost starts to ask again, before she blurts out, “How do you go on a date?”

Aaahhh. Leorio leans back in his chair, a smug grin growing on his face. She’s a little younger than her dad had been before he’d started asking about this sort of thing, but it’s about time. Although why she’s asking Leorio and not Gon is another question entirely. Maybe she doesn’t want Killua to know. “So who’s the lucky kid?” Leorio asks. “Is it one of Killua’s students? Or someone from school?”

“Ew, gross!” Inedal half-screams, her voice echoing like she’s pulled the phone away from her ear. “No, this isn’t me! This is setting up Dad and Gon!”

“But...” Leorio crunches his eyebrows together. “They’ve been together for years. Hell, you know they’re together.”

“I know. But Gon only just got back, and some of Dad’s students don’t know, and they’re trying to set them up with each other to try to get my old man to relax a little.” She blows out a puff of air. “They don’t appreciate that he is relaxed, especially now that Gon’s back. He’d be training them over minefields, not the cliffs outside of your city, if he wasn’t relaxed. It’s obvious.”

And there’s the headache. “Have you been stealing their things again?”

“Only when the old man doesn’t notice. And I’m training my hatsu!”

Leorio is understandably terrified when she finally figures that out. Killua had to adopt the prodigy thief girl. “Inedal. Dating. Your dads.”

“Killua’s my dad, Gon’s Gon.”

“Right, right.”

“So? You gonna help me get them on a stupid date so the idiot teenagers my dad teaches can get their heads out of their asses?” Leorio waits, hoping that Gon’s influence holds out a little bit. She finally relents. “Please?”

“Anything for my favorite fourteen year old.”

----

Leorio regrets the anything almost immediately. She’s Killua’s kid, raised by Killua and Gon themselves. She will never fight fair, and uses every skill at her fingers to get what she wants. Which is how Leorio ends up chaperoning a mess of young adults, plus Killua’s kids Inedal and Fen, into a cafe in the bushes outside of Naclabore’s fifth most famous outdoor fish restaurant. It’s not the most expensive, and definitely not the most attractive, but it’s a place Leorio ends up going when he’s taking favored patients once they’ve healed after a particularly risky procedure, or the occasional friend blowing in from out of town. That the cafe next door has such convenient bushes for observation is completely a coincidence.

“How many of you have mastered zetsu?” Leorio asks.

About half of the teenagers thrust their hands in the air, cocky grins on their faces belying their overconfidence. Killua would eat his students alive if he knew they were overplaying their hands. The ones that have mastered it, two or three of the students as well as Fen and Inedal, have been in it since they got within sight of the restaurant. Leorio too, but he’s been a doctor for more than a decade and friends with some of the most reckless idiots in the world for two. It’s self-preservation. Not that Gon or Killua has been very good at that either.

Well. Leorio’s a doctor, not a teacher. Not his job. And Gon and Killua seem to be having a good time, wide grins on both their faces and only occasionally reaching over the table to toy with each other’s hands. At one point, Gon brushes something off of Killua’s cheek, and two of Killua’s students turn to each other and make a noise like tires squealing against pavement. “Okay, so. Those who know zetsu, can stay. Those who don’t, get going.” He turns to Inedal, who’s opening cameras on four different phones with a sly cat-like grin on her face. “Can I leave now? I have work tomorrow.”

“Oldest geezer, we both know you’re sticking around.”

“Yeah, Uncle Orio!” Fen adds, his grin wide and guileless. “We’ll pay for your lunch, too.”

Leorio eyes the ten year old boy and the fourteen year old girl, and looks right at the oldest of Killua’s students. Razin stares right back at him. While not Killua’s longest-taught student, Razin’s in their early twenties and seems to have accepted that Inedal is too stubborn for her own good. Much like her dad and Gon.  “You're here,” they say, shrugging, and settle back into their salad.

“You’re talkative,” Leorio mutters, and they smirk and shrug again. “Fine, I’ll stay til they leave. But this is your fault.”

----

A list of things Killua’s students think they know about Gon, as per them not shutting up the entire time Leorio’s eating his lunch. (Inedal, thankfully, follows through on Fen’s promise. She also looks like a cat that ate a dozen canaries, so Leorio gives up bothering to stay in zetsu. If he’s getting a paid-for day off, he’s going to enjoy it.)

1. Gon is Killua’s best friend. 2. Gon is a two-star lost hunter best known for tracking down Ging Freecss multiple times, getting gem hunter Iundara Gola to finally accept payment on almost forty years of work, and how he helped end a war with Killua. 3. Gon is able to vanish into the woods and return weeks later having saved three endangered species and a giant hawk. 4. Gon can turn his whole right arm into a sword that he uses to carve trees into boats. 5. Gon once swam from the Yorubian continent all the way to the Bergerose Nations to find the right swarm of shrimp for a dinner for his mom. (Leorio nearly chokes on his drink at this one, because he knows exactly what they’re talking about, and...no. No. But yes. But no.)

A list of things Killua’s students think will happen with Gon and Killua, kept PG more likely due to Leorio’s adultly presence than Inedal and Fen’s youthful egging on.

1. Kissing. How many dates before it happens is a debate that lasts all lunch. 2. Easier training sessions while Killua daydreams over his best friend, an idea that a few of the more intelligent students shoot down immediately, but such voices of reason are drowned out. 3. More dates, which means less time spent being zapped for inadequate form.

That Inedal isn’t telling them most of these lists is complete and total bullshit of one form or another, says more about her ability to keep her mouth shut for the sake of the game than any inconsistencies in narrative. Fen is practically vibrating, spinning increasingly ridiculous tall tales about things Gon and Killua have done, until his ice cream arrives and he buries himself up to his elbows in the frozen dessert.

Absolutely none of this is Leorio’s fault. He’s just the chaperone.

----

The only warning most of the not at all covert gathering of students has that Gon and Killua have finished their lunch is how Inedal mysteriously vanishes from sight midway into a conversation with one of the students about how she does her hair. The student looks briefly puzzled before Killua appears all but out of nowhere right behind her. “We’re doing zetsu training for the next two weeks,” he says with the sort of gleeful menace usually reserved for melodramatic laughter by movie villains.

Almost the entire table scrambles to their feet, dishes scattering across the stone. Leorio narrowly rescues the last of his wine, sipping it as casually as he can with Killua’s grin widening to something horrible. “Sup, old man. It’s been a while.”

“Leorio!” Gon calls, and Leorio is half-choked by Gon leaning in for a hug. He’s not as tall as Killua or Leorio, but he’s built as solid as ever, and his hug is strong and tight.

“Welcome back to civilization, buddy” Leorio says.

Killua exchanges a look with Gon, and he sighs. “What are you even doing here. With my students. And...” He tilts his head to the side, lightning flickering through his thick ponytail. There’s a yelp from overhead, and Inedal bounces out of the tree, glaring and embarrassed at being found. “Two of my kids.”

“You need to stop teaching Inedal how to wrap people around her fingers.”

“You need to stop letting her.” But he ruffles his daughter’s hair affectionately nonetheless, leaving her pigtails a staticky mess. She huffs and plops into the seat next to Leorio.

Fen all but vibrates his way up Gon’s arms, tugging at the shorter-than-usual spikes on Gon’s head. Leorio guesses he got it trimmed before meeting up with Killua and the kids. “You got a date with Pa!” Fen says, smile wide.

“I did,” Gon says, and smiles warmly. Killua’s cheeks turn a little pink.

“You gonna go on another?”

Gon’s smile stays the same, but his eyes dance. “I dunno, Fen. That’s all up to Killua.”

“What do you mean it’s up to me,” Killua grumbles. “You’re the one who--”

“You have to take him out again!” one of the students says, hopes higher than Yorknew Tower.

“Yeah! Killua’s a great guy, and a great teacher!’”

“He’s kind of an asshole about his chocolate, but I’m sure you’re already used to it!”

“And he talks about you a lot, even if the stories seem weird.”

“Did you really catch stars in your fists?”

Killua holds up a hand, and everyone shuts up almost instantly. Leorio is more than a little impressed. Until Killua opens his mouth and says, “Wait, are you dumbasses trying to hook me up with Gon?”

“That is why all the students set you up,” Inedal says, and picks at her nails to avoid Killua’s boggled stare. “They even paid for Uncle Leorio’s help.”

“I wasn’t paid!”

“You got lunch. And dessert.”

“Which Fen ate.”

“Which you let Fen eat. He eats too much ice cream. Aren’t you a doctor? Shouldn’t you tell him to balance it with carrots or something?”

Killua and Gon both choke back laughter. Or more accurately, Killua started groaning about Fen and sugarhighs, while Gon asks, giggles tickling out of the back of his throat, “I don’t know, Killua. Dating sounds fun.”

“Gon, we’ve been together for fifteen years.”

“But we never officially dated, Killua. Boyfriend and boyfriend. Wouldn’t that be nice?”

Killua opens his mouth to say something absolutely ear-meltingly awful and not at all safe for Leorio’s mind, but holds off at the last minute. Maybe he thinks better of it and has actually grown up at some point in the last twenty-plus years. Maybe he catches sight of his kids. Instead he says to Gon, “More dates this time. You’re buying.”

“Half.”

“Two-thirds. And as for you all...” Killua glances at his best friend and smirks. “Before we start in on retraining your zetsu, we’re going to go back to camp straight through the mountains. Inedal, I think you could use a refresher too. Gon, you mind grabbing what we need?”

A chorus of terrified groans echoes around Leorio, who simply leans back and enjoys the chaos.

[2pcanadas-googlehistory]

@2pswedens-googlehistory

writing prompts under the cut (’cause there are a lot of them. I kinda copied and pasted them from various tumblr posts so I could find them later)

“Look, I might be evil but even I have standards.” “Do your parents know you’re dating Death?” “No, I promised we wouldn’t get back together after he broke up with me the first time.” “Wait why am I naked and covered in cheese?” “Good god, that cake is fuckin stale and dry mate!!” “Just like how you are recently? Gee, thanks.” "There is always time for a high-five.” “Karen, what would ever posses you to find me here.” “Oh my god, put that man down! Come on, let’s go get you some REAL food.” “A demonic sugar glider?” “People always say they never thought they would be here but I absolutely did.” “And I thought I was a bit weird. But you! You are insane!” “So your hair knows kung-fu? Ha, that’s nothing! MY hair knows HAIR-ATE!” (You know, as in karate) (This used to be an insider between me and a friend…) “One day, darling, you and I are going to conquer the Universe not just our world.” “Did you seriously think they wouldn’t notice when their humans went missing?!” “Well, maybe next time you should consider that not everyone wants to be woken up at four in the morning by a- what IS that, anyway?!” “Now, how exactly did your foot get stuck in the barrel?” “I hope you realize what you’re doing. This forest never ends, you know that, right?” “You can’t just kill someone and then make it all better by saying sorry!” “Why the fuck is my cat levitating?!” “He said he wanted to feel what flying was” “You’re trying to tell me you killed three men…with a microphone?” “Hang on, are you a John Wick fan?” “IT’S TWO IN THE MORNING!” “And?” “ I have a strict no murder rule until eight. Call me then.” “I did realize you were going to be naked the whole time” “Ok, I understand you like animals, but you can’t just bring a tiger into the apparent without asking!” “I…I didn’t want you to find out like this. I’m so sorry.” “OH MY GOD CATHERINE! I JUST SAW A NARWHAL! I’M TELLING YOU, I SAW A FREAKIN’ WHALE UNICORN!” “I gotta go, I left my toaster in the oven! "Why is there a gaggle of fancy buisness men on my front lawn?” “Can you please stop referring to me as ____! That’s not my name!” “Then what is?” “I don’t know!” *Sarcastic* “Yeah, sure. I won’t at all mind being your footslave.” “Oh, goody! I knew you’d agree!” “Wait, what?” “When are you going to give up on this whole ‘evil’ thing?” “When it stops being so much fun!” “You didnt say to KILL the man!” “WELL I DIDNT SAY NOT TOO” “Mum, Dad… I’m gay.” “That’s nice, honey, but now is not the right time!” “Take a look at your soul and consider your life choices! Oh wait, that’s right! You don’t fucking have a soul!” “Oh, god, just go drown in a bathtub of syrup why don’t ya?” “I kindly ask you to please quit making your heart stop. It’s creeping me out!” “So… Y-You were sleeping in a coffin” “Yeah I’m used to it” “Are you a vampire or what?! How can someone get used to sleep in a coffin?” “No I’m used to sleep I never said that I’m used to sleep in a freaking coffin!” “Darling I love you, more than I can ever express in words…. But please stop teaching chickens necromancy.” “I wanted to know why you stole souls, not your melodramatic backstory…” “I really wish that old white man would stop rubbing his nipples at me” “You know it is written: Do not summon Satan, right ?” “Look around, what is this?” “My room?” “No, this is pathetic.” “I’ve been a professor for 20 years, and yet still my greatest secret hasn’t been revealed–I can’t read.” “Our souls don’t belong in these 'human’ bodies, every one of us is implanted here from another galaxy, and this has been the case for a thousand years. No one knows what 'actual humans’ are like without us inhabiting them.” “Did you just create a portal in time and space to pull another version of yourself into this world so I have to deal with another annoying idiot?” “No but thanks for the idea.” “You’re bleeding?!” “Nah, I’m frolicing in a field of flowers - yes I’m bleeding!” “Let me get this straight. I tell you that I make a decent omelette and you somehow equate that to qualification for piloting a spaceship?” “It’s the weekend! Let’s hit the town! See a concert, redo our wardrobes, get high, start a crime ring, I don’t know.” “Keep running, you’ve only got 4HP!” “This is clearly your first time. Stop screaming already, you’ll wake the neighbors!” “Has anyone seen the outdoors?” “What the fuck is an outdoors?” “Why do I feel like this again, I thought we were done with this?” “Look, as much as I like to hang out with you, I’ve gotta go and save the earth. Toodles!” “Have you seen?… oh shit” “Two questions: one, how many matches do you have, and two, where do you keep your socks?” “Because fuck surveys, that’s why!” “Stop yelling out the window or the koalas will rip your face off!” “I guess when I heard 'Night of Debauchery’… I didn’t picture muffins on your pajamas.” “Honey, you can’t keep throwing people to the pit of pain and despair just because they don’t like choc mint ice cream.” “Oh, no honey, put that back…” “It’s going to be too late, you know. It’s always too late.” “Hey, so, uh… I’m in trouble…” “What did you do this time?” “I got stranded in Wales….. again…” “OK, but… how do we get the dog out of a hole in space in time exactly?” “Aren’t people supposed to grow instead of shrink ?” “Wait. You’re aroused?” “Why would that surprise you?” “It does on account of you being covered in blood. Wipe that smile off your face. You look like a cat in heat.” "I pay your taxes” “No, ____. We did not raise our hamster like this.” “You can’t run from your own shadow(s), what makes you think you can run from theirs?” “You adopted… a dog?” “Mate, that’s not a dog.” “And at this moment, he decided to punch himself in the face.” “Narrator, listen, I know you’ve been with me my whole life, but you’re a huge jerk.” “Why didn’t you tell me it was a portal BEFORE we ended up here?” “Is that…the Mona Lisa.” “…Yes…” “What did I say to you about stealing priceless artifacts!?” “…That I had to take you with me next time.” “Exactly!” “Yes, I agree, magic is pretty cool. But did you really have to use it for THIS?” “Despite the fact that was epic, you’re still suspended” “Chill, dad it’s not what you think it is!” “Well it looks like you’re making out with the demon your grandma banished to cellar…WHY IS HE IN YOUR ROOM?” “If you truly love me you’ll let me-OH FUCKING HELL DID YOU JUST STAB ME!?” “Spoon” “What began as a conflict over the transfer of consciousness from flesh to machines escalated into a war which has decimated a Million worlds.The ___ and the ___ have all but exhausted the the resources of a galaxy in their struggle for domination. Both sides, now crippled beyond repair, the remnants of their armies continue to battle on ravaged planets, their hatred fueled by over four thousand years of total war. This is a fight to the death. For each side, the only acceptable outcome is…“ ”… I’m going back to bed. You brought it here, you can deal with the mammoth yourself.“ "Is the food supposed to be moving?” “You mean to tell me that in the two minutes I was gone,  you bombed a minor country,  got married to a stripper,  and assassinated a world leader?!” “Is that a unicorn???? EATING MY BEEF JERKY?!” “Do I get to dream about you again tonight?” “Well now I have to change clothes AGAIN!” “All of this was because of a… OF A PLUSHIE?!” “Well…Yeah?” “Great, how are we going to get out of jail now?!” “So…you gonna tell me why my brother is upside down and why you’re wearing my purple thong?” “Did you really have to burn down another Cracker Barrel?” “Sir, that’s impossible, you can’t do that.” “IS THAT A FUCKING CHALLENGE?!?!” “We need to invade Portugal.” “…Sure, why not?” “Did you divide by zero?! YOU’RE GOING TO KILL US ALL” “Stand down, Milady, this is a matter between gentlemen with mustaches.” “Next time you get arrested I am NOT paying your bail” “That’s a lie and you know it.” “….” “I thought you were dead.” “So did I” “John dont flush the dog down the toilet” “What did I say again about resurrecting dictators??” “Cucumbers are NOT pets… what do you mean, you ate him??” “Are you and God seriously fighting right now? And what happened to Satan?” “Are ferrets supposed to be blue??” “I’m the protagonist? Well I guess that explains why I look like about a thousand other people.” “Why do I do this to myself?” “Stop eating your tortilla chips with ketchup. It’s unattractive.” “How do you eat an entire cheese wheel in one sitting?” “Why are God and Satan moving in with us?”

“I know you’re afraid but we can’t hide in this closet forever.” “Nope, I absolutely refuse to touch that.” “How exactly did you manage to get stuck in there?” “Why is it suddenly purple?” “Pass me the sledgehammer.” “Explain it to me again - why do we need to pretend to be married?” “In my defense, I thought this would go a lot more smoothly.” “I don’t know how you get yourself into these situations.” “Careful, don’t drop – “ “And that’s how I ended up standing naked on the Brooklyn Bridge on Christmas Eve.” “It’s sticky.” “You need to stop.” “Well that’s the single most impressive thing I’ve ever seen someone do.” “What’s with the pigtails?” “How have you made it this long without someone throwing you out an airlock or something?” “Ow, what was that for?” “Ugh, why did I eat that?” “In my defense, it seemed like a brilliant idea at the time.” “Run!” “Come on, give me one good reason not to jump in the lake.” “We’re going to be late if we don’t leave like 5 minutes ago.” “What do you mean by leaving?” “I’m trying very hard not to see all this as a metaphor for my life.” “Please tell me you know how to defuse a bomb.” “Where have you been, I was ready to call the police!” “No, the house is definitely not haunted, why do you ask?” “Get over here now and bring a tarp.” “I don’t care that it’s 2:00 am, we need pie.” “I’ve got everything under control.” “At this point, what else could possibly go wrong?”

“I just really need to have you here right now.” “Didn’t you see what I did?!” “Oh fuck, oh FUCK.” “Please come get me.” “Where are you?!” “I’m coming, just sit tight!” “Look at me - just breathe, okay?” “I can’t breathe!” “You don’t have to stay.” “It’s all my fault.” “It’s all YOUR fault!” “Don’t fucking touch me.” “Please I just… really need space right now.” “I’m right here. I’m not going anywhere.” “I’m gonna be sick.” “Ever wonder if the world would be better off without you… ?” “I’m sick of being USELESS.” “You’re not useless.” “Shit, are you bleeding?!” “Please, put it DOWN.” “Shh, c’mere…” “It’s okay to cry…” “Don’t listen to them. Don’t you EVER listen to them.” “I’m not cut out for this.” “Just leave me ALONE.” “Please listen to me-” “You can trust me.” “Don’t trust me.” “What happened doesn’t change anything.”

“Come over here and make me.” “Have you lost your damn mind!?” “Please, don’t leave.” “Do you…well…I mean…I could give you a massage?” “Wait a minute. Are you jealous?” “Is there a reason you’re naked in my bed?” “I almost lost you.” “Wanna bet?” “Don’t you ever do that again!” “Teach me how to play?” “Don’t you dare throw that snowba-, goddammit!” “I think we need to talk.” “Kiss me.” “Hey, I’m with you, okay? Always.” “So, I found this waterfall…” “It could be worse.” “Looks like we’ll be trapped for a while…” “This is without a doubt the stupidest plan you’ve ever had. Of course I’m in.” “The paint’s supposed to go where?” “You need to wake up because I can’t do this without you.” “We’re in the middle of a thunderstorm and you wanna stop and feel the rain?” “I’ve seen the way you look at me when you think I don’t notice.” “Just once.” “You’re the only one I trust to do this.” “I can’t believe you talked me into this.” “I got you a present.” “I’m pregnant.” “Marry me?” “I thought you were dead.” “It’s not what it looks like…” “You lied to me.” “I think I’m in love with you and I’m terrified.” “Please don’t do this.” “If you keep looking at me like that we won’t make it to a bed.” “You heard me. Take. It. Off.” “I wish I could hate you.” “Wanna dance?” “You fainted…straight into my arms. You know, if you wanted my attention you didn’t have to go to such extremes.” “Hey! I was gonna eat that!” “Have I entered an alternate universe or did you really just crack a smile for me?” “You did all of this for me?” “I swear it was an accident.” “YOU DID WHAT?!” “If you die, I’m gonna kill you.” “Tell me a secret.” “Hey, have you seen the..? Oh.” “No one needs to know.” “Boo.” “Well this is awkward…”

51. “What the hell are you wearing?” 52. “Can I kiss you?” 53. “Who crawls through someone’s window at 4am to go for ice cream?!” 54. “I don’t hate you. I could never hate you. That’s the problem.” 55. “Our first date is a picnic on a beach under the stars? Have you swallowed a romance novel? Do I need to call a doctor?” 56. “I can’t stand the thought of losing you.” 57. “Teach me to fight.” 58. “I’d die for you. Of course, I’d haunt you in the afterlife but really, it’s the thought that counts.” 59. “Tell me to go and I will, but if you ask me to stay I’ll never leave you again.” 60. “Before you decide to murder me, let me explain…” 61. “I love you. I’m completely and utterly in love with you. Please don’t get married.” 62. “It’s only one night, we’ll just share the bed.” 63. “Stop running from this. I know I’m not the only one who feels it.” 64. “Are you ticklish?” 65. “I wish you could see yourself the way I see you.” 66. “The only thing I want is you.” 67. “Of all the people I could’ve gotten stuck in an elevator with and it just had to be you.” 68. “PILLOW FIGHT!” 69. “Why the hell are you bleeding!?” 70. “You’re so beautiful.” 71. “Kiss me, quick!” 72. “I will knock you on your ass if you even think about it.” 73. “We shouldn’t be doing this.” 74. “Don’t let go.” 75. “I’m going for a swim. Do you wanna join me?” 76. “I need you to pretend we’re dating…” 77. “There was never a choice.” 78. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have kissed you.” 79. “That’s the third time I’ve saved your life!” 80. “How can you think I’m anything but hopelessly in love with you?” 81. “I need you to leave.” 82. “This is all your fault! I can’t believe I listened to you!” 83. “It’s always been you.” 84. “I’m dying.” 85. “I will never apologize for saving your life, even if it costs me my own.” 86. “I guess dying with you isn’t the worse way to go.” 87. “You were never just my friend.” 88. “Don’t panic but I think we might have accidentally gotten married…” 89. “I’m not leaving you!” 90. “I can’t do this anymore.” 91. “I remember everything.” 92. “What do you want me to say?” 93. “I tried, but I just can’t stay away from you anymore.” 94. “I bet I can make you scream my name.” 95. “There’s no going back if we do this.” 96. “I never thought you’d hurt me but I was wrong. You hurt me the most.” 97. “I want you and I know you want me too.” 98. “I can’t watch you with someone else. It’s tearing me apart.” 99. “We’re in an abandoned lodge in the middle of nowhere. Sure, you’re totally right, nothing bad could ever happen here.”

“Tell me who did this to you”

2. “I’m sure this bathroom has seen worse.”

3. “Don’t you think I tried that? It won’t come off!”

4. “Please, I need you to wake up.”

5. “Look. If I couldn’t open it, then there’s no way you can.”

6. “It was a really nice thought, but all I wanted was dinosaur shaped chicken nuggets.”

7. “Don’t worry. I’ll be watching the whole time.”

8. “That looks amazing on you.”

9. “So there I am, spread eagle with whipped cream on my tits, and the asshole actually stops to ask whether or not it’s organic!”

10. “That’s definitely not mine.”

11. “It’s your fault really. You should have known better than to leave me in charge of the cake.”

12. “I know they say violence isn’t the answer, but I’d really like to test that theory out right now.”

13. “I hope you understand that this is mine now.”

14. “You were the one who walked out. Not me.”

15. “You know, I thought it was going to be too big when I first saw it, but now I really like it.”

16. “Do you want my coffee? They screwed up my order.”

17. “I don’t care how sexy it is when you talk like that. It’s not helping.”

18. “Don’t tell me you’re falling asleep! The meteor shower is just starting!”

19. “I trusted you. They told me not to, but I did, and now this is what I get.”

20. “You smoke?!”

21. “Look, there are a lot of things I said while drunk, but I really did mean that.”

22. “Just…just let me catch my breath.”

23. “When are you going to realize that I will always come back for you?”

24. “I don’t think it’s going to rain.”

25. “Give me a name.”

26. “I dance like a drunk chicken and I am okay with that. You should be too.”

27. “I’m not sure which god I pissed off, but I know for a fact that I am cursed.”

28. “Just…I don’t know! Put a towel over it. No one will notice.”

29. “Listen here, asshole. This one’s mine.”

Are you wearing lace underwear? “What do you mean there is a body in our cellar?!” “Take off your shirt.” “If you ever do that again - I’m going to kill you!” “Stop playing a hero and let me help!” “I can’t believe I married you.” “I’m going to warn you once…” “I’m not an expert, but I think you should try that again.” “Don’t tell me what to do.” “I love you and I hate you, can you see my struggle?” “I wish I could trust you.” “Um… why are your hands on my ass?” “So, you are saying you tried to save me?” “Stop stealing my food!” “Just come home, okay?” “Please, tell me this is a joke.” ‘I didn’t know how to tell you.” “Let me do that.” “You could have died!” ‘We are so screwed.” “I did that to protect you!” “Don’t make me do this.” “You are the best I ever had. Don’t leave me.” “I did this for you.” “I trust you.” “I bet my life on you.” “Is there anything you want to tell me?” “Shut up and kiss me.” “What have you done!?” “Sorry, I got distracted, come again?” “Please, calm down.” “I failed.” “Please, don’t kill me.” “We need a plan, now!” “I don’t talk to strangers.” “You owe me.” “I’m with you till the end of line.” “You want me what?” “I didn’t know you could sing.” “We’re in this together.”