#my whole read on myself is nothing BUT data from the outside I consider trustworthy

[honestlyvan]

LIke, ok

There’s definitely a part of me that is still blind-white furious about things, but it’s no longer anger I feel like I need to suppress, b/c frankly I no longer feel guilty about it.

People do genuinely suck. I didn’t imagine that. If I was just imagining people being bad (and it has happened and it will probably continue to happen, thanks for that, piece of shit garbage paranoid brain), that is much worse b/c that would require me to fix my broken perception of reality first, but if that part is actual reality I can rely on, then that can be done something about.

Because if I’m unhappy and unsatisfied about something that is Clearly As Good As It’s Gonna Be, that’s a me problem, and me problems I haven’t solved yet are the ones where I’m convinced there is no solution to and I’m just bad, but.  But. But if I’m unhappy and unsatisfied with something that is the result of miscommunication or someone else actually fucking up, then.... well.

The thing is, nobody fixes mistakes they don’t realise are mistakes. Hell, I don’t fix a lot of things I know are mistakes simply b/c I’ve tried bruteforcing solutions to them before and have given up, being unable to find any.

But finding solutions is pretty much what I do. And now when I’m no longer asked to both struggle against my own self-destructive impulses and find the answers and try to track which perceived reality is actually real and honestly just being generally less burdened, I can do that.

And even the problems which drove me to overexert myself to the point of crashing, to the point of doing things I knew were shitty behaviour, if resulting from the behaviour of others and not just from being being a shit garbage person, can be mitigated. Cluster fuckups can be managed. I can own up to my own shitty behaviour if the people around me own up to their own.

Most of the time, I’m either stuck fixing problems all by myself, or asking people to involve themselves in something that is not their responsibility. And tbh if I’m asked to judge, I’m always gonna go with “this is a me problem”, due to my long and ugly streak of blaming my issues on other people. But if other people are the issue, or at least a part of it, well. Nobody’s fucking perfect. Helping your friends be better people is what friends are for.

Hell, it’s not like I don’t get what trying to figure out what you’re doing wrong and failing at it and concluding This Sucks But There’s Nothing You Can Do is like. I did that literally so much that I burnt myself out, and decided that cutting my losses and running damage control was the better option. At least when it’s other people acting like there’s no solution, I’ve got a better vantage point and can call them out on their garbage.