#my whole issue w selfshipping has been long winded even before I met anyone on here tbh | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

bunveh · 8 hours ago

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every once in a while I have to sit and sorta contemplate whether or not I’m a sharing or non sharing self shipper bc I’m mostly sharing ! It’s just sometimes when I’m in a bad place and I see smth it kinda adds fuel to the fire and makes me feel odd about it lol

#my whole issue w selfshipping has been long winded even before I met anyone on here tbh #I used to talk 24/7 abt him and yap constantly like #literally every post I’d make was smth abt him or a new thought abt him or a situation or whatever the case is #I spoke abt him so regularly and he was on my mind like 25/8 #but the reason I lowkey don’t even seem to self ship anymore with him purely bc I never speak abt anything here anymore is bc my friends #just kinda ignored it or like it made me feel silly to even say anything #I was just in a super duper horrible environment for that sort of thing #I so really wanted; selfishly enough; to be the Kaveh friend to them but it felt like they never rlly cared lol #and now I’m so disappointed years later after I tried and gave up with those friends that I can’t even think about him anymore without #feeling disappointed inadequate and plain stupid #I think it’s so important to validate others’ selfships. honestly my selfship was really important to me #it was the only nice thing I had for a very long time and the only thing I looked forward to and the only consistent thing I had #for years. and it makes me sad to think I no longer find as much solace in it now not because I hate Kaveh it’s just #it’s one of those things where it’s stupid when *you* do it but it’s cute when everyone else does #I know I’d never be the Kaveh person to others and I should accept that but why does that make me so sad #ppl on here wouldn’t know this bc they kinda saw me after I kinda started getting scared of talking about him in 2024 but in 2023 as #pathetic as this sounds he was the only stability I had lol #he’s lowkey still the only stability I have but the heaviness of this world is too much these days and I feel often without words to even #say anything in the off chance he begins to float through my mind #my brain just is so numb all the time with everything.#me never crying : 👍#but also me sobbing so randomly over the thought I should shut up abt my selfship in early 2024 bc of past experiences : 👎#crazy how Kaveh is kinda the only proper thing that can make me cry LOL #actually I was crying back then abt Kaveh and alhaitham lolll I love alhaitham to bits and pieces he’s so important to me #crazy how I have a better selfship foundation with alhaitham rather than Kaveh LOL #anyways bc I think support for selfshipping is so important that’s why whenever I have a clearer mind and I’m not deep in the trenches of #depression or overworking I try to encourage others as best as I can #Ik it’s not much because I’m hardly around bc of said extreme depression and just life stuff but whenever I can I try my hardest to #I hope that counts for something at least 🥲#in the end I think I am a sharing self shipper but I just want my selfship to be as acknowledged as others’ ones. I feel guilty even

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