#my vitamin D level is EIGHT

[oakskull]

my favorite blood test result possibly ever, never before have I been called a shut in so much

pov your blood test results tell you to touch grass

[iero]

Just found out I am extremely deficient in Vitamin D which might actually explain a lot! Shocked and upset!

[toasty-death]

It's not too late, let's go.

Original Fiction.

Summary: Gale and Blaire have been living their whole lives being told that it's dangerous to go outside. Gale wakes up one morning and his lover Blaire is missing, only to lead him to a beautiful discovery.

Word Count: 1,357

Category: Futuristic, Mind Twist

 The silvery waves splashed against the granite sand, looking out you could see the expanse of the Mercury Sea out to the horizon. It was beautiful, but I knew it was time to head back inside since the sun was kissing the surface of the ocean, creating its usual array of blue and red clouds. Night would be upon us soon, but I didn't want to leave. "Come on, Gale, let's head back inside. You don't want to be caught by the rain, you know?" Blaire was right, it was supposed to rain tonight. We'd be dead if we got caught in it, I doubt we'd even last 10 seconds.

We headed back inside the grotto entrance, the steel steps seemed like they would go forever before we reached ground level. The walk was quiet, but I enjoyed her company like this. We didn't have to talk to feel comfortable with each other, that was the kind of relationship we had. My eyes strained against the glow of the neon sign, Paradise Grotto. Right, like this shit-hole was a paradise. We were forced to live here our whole lives, as the rain kills everything on the surface. We were allowed to venture to the surface when the weather reads clear skies for extended periods of time, but the entrance is sealed within an hour of any sign of rainfall. As we walk pass the entrance, the alarm begins to blare for the coming rain.

We made our way through the main entrance hallway, passing by cross sections that leads to the other sections of the Grotto. Our path was pretty straight forward, just down the main hallway and make a left at the recycle plant, then eight halls down. Blaire fumbled for the right key standing outside our apartment, she always had trouble remembering which key was the correct one. "Ugh, this one." She found it.

"I got the lights." I made my way over to the generator and started the process of starting it up. We can't have power running while we're outside of our apartment, just how things work around here. Power began to hum throughout the room as the lights flickered on, home sweet home. Blaire was already in the kitchen setting plates aside to prepare dinner. Probably freeze-dried meatloaf, again. One day I'll have to get us into one of those higher floor apartments, like one of those that the heads of divisions stay in. We'd never eat freeze-dried meatloaf again. I started cleaning around the house as Blaire finished up, it was my routine. Just another thing about how everything works here, you need to keep up a routine. Those who don't have a routine usually don't make it to their 30's, since there really isn't much to do in the Grotto unless you spend all of your earnings drinking it away.

We sat down and ate in silence, afterwards I cleaned the dishes. This is how our lives are here; we wake up at 0500, work from 0600 to 1800, we watch the sunset between 1800 and 1900, we eat at 2000, and sleep at 2100. That was our routine together in our wonderful lives inside the Grotto, we didn't need anything else to be happy.

"See you in the morning." Blaire kisses me goodnight. "And every sunset after." I kiss her back. I fall asleep fairly quickly and let the darkness take me.

I wake up in the morning with the sound of the alarm clock buzzing, I've always hated that noise. I shut it off and rub the sleep from my eyes, it looks like Blaire woke up earlier than normal. Well, I should start getting ready for work now, too.

My normal morning routine is washing my face, then I brush my teeth, then I gargle mouthwash for 30 seconds. After that I take my morning medication, it seems I'm running low on Vitamin D again. After my morning routine I head out to the living area to eat breakfast with Blaire, only the lights are off. "Hun?" I flick the lights on, but the living room is empty. I search the bedroom again, and she isn't there. "Blaire?" I begin to panic, is she hiding? This isn't like her at all. I begin searching everywhere frantically. She isn't anywhere, I open the front door and there she is, fumbling with her keys and soaking wet. "What the hell happened? Why are you wet?" She just stared back at me with wild, wide eyes. "Gale, I need you to come with me." She mumbled just low enough that I could hear her. "What, where? Where have you been? We are going to be late for work."

The next thing I knew she grabbed me by the arm and began pulling me down the hallway. "Hey! Blaire, talk to me!" She stayed focused on leading me somewhere, did she get into an accident? Is she in trouble? Eventually I gave up on trying to ask her what had happened, and I allowed her to lead the way. She leads me eight halls down, we make a right at the recycle plant, and up the main hallway. Paradise Grotto. She stops in front of the neon sign, I can hear the alarm up the stairwell for the signal that it's raining again.

"We need to go up the stairs, do you trust me?" She turns to me with a dead serious expression on her face. Up the stairs? "What's going on, Blaire?" Her eyes are darting between mine. "Gale, I can't explain unless I show you. We need to run up the stairs, we can't stop running. Do you trust me?" My mind is racing with hundreds of thoughts. I look up and see the entrance security has started paying attention to us now as one of the middle-aged guards gets up to walk over to us.

"Yes." We take off up the stairs. The guards shout for us to stop but we have a head start on them. We move as quickly as we can up the hundreds of steep steps. My chest begins to hurt, we've been running for 10 minutes. I can hear Blaire struggling to keep up her pace, eventually I'm the one in the lead, grasping her hand and pulling her along. We keep running, and running, until we reach the top of the stairs. The hatch leading to the outside is in front of us with the red hazard lights on, the alarm is ringing in our ears at this point.

We pause for a moment to catch our breath, and then she reaches for the latch handle. I reach out and grab her wrist to stop her. "Blaire, it's raining, we can't go outside." She places her hand over mine as she leans forward to place her forehead against me. Her hair is still wet and it gets my shirt damp. "I need you to trust me, please." She takes my hand off hers and opens the latch. The sound of the rain pouring down against the earth fills the stairwell, I've never heard such a sound before.

I watch in shock as she bolts outside into the rain with arms wide open. "Blaire!" It's too late, I can't save her. She'll be dead in seconds. Only, she isn't in pain. I stand there baffled, my mouth open as I watch her dance in the rain. It was the most beautiful sight that I've ever witnessed, it was as if she was a piece of art. For the first time in my life, she's the happiest I've ever seen her.

She spins around once more and looks at me with a huge grin. "Come with me." She reaches her hand for mine. My heart was racing, what was even going on? How is this possible? I couldn't get my thoughts straight, I felt dizzy. I think I might throw up.

"Gale, it's not too late, let's go." The rain was dripping from her outstretched fingers.

Suddenly, my mind was blank, and my feet moved on their own. I stepped out into the rain.

[dermac1]

Dermac Clinic Dermatologist experts suggest specific foods or dietary changes that could help improve my skin

Dermac Clinic Dermatologist experts suggest specific foods or dietary changes that could help improve my skin

Dermac Clinic Dermatologist Experts Suggest Dietary Changes to Improve Your Skin

Dermatologists near Model Town at Dermac Clinic in Model Town, New Delhi, are aware that topical treatments alone are not enough to achieve healthy skin. Maintaining skin health and treating a variety of skin disorders depend heavily on eating a well-balanced diet. The appearance and general health of your skin can be enhanced by certain foods and dietary adjustments that our dermatologist specialists have identified. This is a thorough guide to using nutrition to improve your skin.

1. The Importance of Nutrition for Skin Health

Because the body needs critical vitamins, minerals, and fatty acids to sustain normal skin function, nutrition has a substantial impact on skin health. Acne, dryness, and early aging can all be fought with a balanced diet. You may improve the appearance of your skin and promote its natural processes by including certain nutrients in your diet.

2. Key Nutrients for Healthy Skin

A. Antioxidants

Antioxidants protect the skin from oxidative stress caused by free radicals, which can lead to premature aging and skin damage. Foods rich in antioxidants include:

Berries: Vitamins C and E, found in blueberries, strawberries, and raspberries, help shield the skin from harm and encourage the formation of collagen.

Dark Chocolate: Rich in flavonoids, dark chocolate has antioxidant properties and can enhance the texture and moisture of skin.

B. Healthy Fats

Healthy fats are essential for maintaining skin moisture and elasticity. Include these in your diet:

Avocados: Packed with vitamin E and good monounsaturated fats, avocados support the skin's moisture barrier and nourish it.

Fatty Fish: Omega-3 fatty acids, which lower inflammation and maintain skin hydration, are abundant in salmon, mackerel, and sardines.

C. Vitamins

Certain vitamins play a vital role in maintaining healthy skin:

Vitamin C: Vital for the production of collagen, vitamin C keeps skin supple and tight. Eat more leafy greens, bell peppers, and citrus fruits.

Vitamin A: Found in dark leafy greens, sweet potatoes, and carrots, vitamin A is essential for the synthesis and repair of skin cells.

Vitamin E: This vitamin shields the skin from harm by acting as an antioxidant. Vitamin E is abundant in green leafy vegetables, nuts, and seeds.

D. Zinc

Zinc is essential for immunological response and skin repair. Zinc-rich foods include whole grains, legumes, nuts, and seeds. Consuming enough zinc can aid in the management of acne and minimize inflammation.

3. Probiotics for Gut Health

Dermatologists are becoming more aware of the link between the gut and the skin. Through immune support and inflammation reduction, a healthy gut microbiota can have a good impact on skin health. Include items high in probiotics in your diet:

Yogurt:To improve gut health, look for living cultures in your yogurt.

Kefir: Probiotics are abundant in this fermented dairy product.

Fermented Vegetables: Good bacteria can be found in kimchi and sauerkraut.

4. Hydration Matters

To keep your skin healthy, you must stay hydrated. Water keeps the skin supple and aids in the removal of toxins. To promote general health and improve the appearance of your skin, try to drink at least eight glasses of water each day.

5. Limit Sugar and Processed Foods

Sugary snacks and refined carbs are examples of foods with a high glycemic index that can raise insulin levels, which can cause acne flare-ups and increased oil production. Cutting back on sugar can aid in the successful management of acne symptoms. Choose whole grains, fruits, and vegetables instead, as they offer long-lasting energy without having an adverse influence on blood sugar levels.

6. Omega-3 Fatty Acids

Omega-3 fatty acids are essential for lowering inflammation in the skin and other parts of the body. Include the following foods in your diet:

Chia Seeds: These tiny seeds are packed with omega-3s.

Flaxseeds: Ground flaxseeds can be added to smoothies or oatmeal for an extra nutrient boost.

Walnuts: A great snack option that provides healthy fats beneficial for the skin.

7. Avoiding Common Triggers

Certain foods may trigger or worsen existing skin conditions for some individuals:

Dairy Products: Some studies suggest a link between dairy consumption and acne flare-ups due to hormones present in milk.

Processed Foods: Diets high in processed foods may contribute to inflammation in the body, exacerbating skin issues.

8. Sample Meal Plan for Healthy Skin

To help you get started on a diet that promotes healthy skin, here’s a sample meal plan:

Breakfast

Overnight oats topped with berries and chia seeds

A glass of water or herbal tea

Snack

A handful of almonds or walnuts

Lunch

Grilled salmon salad with mixed greens, avocado, cherry tomatoes, and a lemon vinaigrette

Quinoa on the side

Snack

Greek yogurt with honey and sliced fruit

Dinner

Stir-fried vegetables (broccoli, bell peppers) with tofu or chicken

Brown rice or whole grain pasta

Dessert (optional)

Dark chocolate (70% cocoa or higher)

Conclusion

The health and appearance of your skin can be greatly enhanced by making certain dietary adjustments. Our dermatology specialists at Dermac Clinic in Model Town, New Delhi, are committed to helping you choose the right meals for your particular skin type. Please don't hesitate to contact us if you have any queries or require individualized nutritional guidance based on your skincare regimen! Proper diet is the first step on your path to healthy skin!

You can attain glowing, healthy skin that reflects your general well-being by adopting these dietary adjustments in addition to the routine skincare routines suggested by our specialists at Dermac Clinic.

[syedasad76]

The Secrets to Longevity: Good Habits for a Healthier Life

In our fast-moving world life, where time is a precious thing and stress levels are often through the roof, achieving longevity and maintaining a healthy lifestyle might seem like an elusive dream. However, with the right habits and mindset, it's entirely possible to unlock the secrets to a longer, healthier life. In this article, we'll delve into ten habits that can significantly contribute to your overall well-being and longevity. for more informatic visit my blog

A) Prioritize Nutrition: A balanced diet rich in fruits, vegetables, lean proteins, and whole grains forms the cornerstone of a healthy lifestyle. Aim to incorporate a variety of colorful fruits and vegetables into your meals, as they are packed with essential vitamins, minerals, and antioxidants that support optimal health and ward off chronic diseases.

B) Stay Hydrated: Water is essential for numerous bodily functions, including digestion, circulation, and temperature regulation. Aim to drink at least eight glasses of water per day, and opt for water over sugary beverages like soda or juice.

C) Regular Exercise: Physical activity is crucial for maintaining a healthy weight, strengthening muscles and bones, and reducing the   risk of chronic conditions such as heart disease and diabetes. Aim for at least 30 minutes of moderate-intensity exercise most days of the week, incorporating a mix of cardio, strength training, and flexibility exercises.

D) Prioritize Sleep: Adequate sleep is vital for overall health and well-being. Aim for 7-9 hours of quality sleep each night, and establish a relaxing bedtime routine to promote better sleep hygiene.

E) Manage Stress: Chronic stress can wreak havoc on both physical and mental health, increasing the risk of conditions like hypertension, depression, and obesity. Practice stress-reducing techniques such as deep breathing, meditation, yoga, or spending time in nature.

F) Cultivate Social Connections: Strong social connections are associated with better mental health, lower stress levels, and even a longer lifespan. Make time for friends and loved ones, and prioritize meaningful relationships in your life.

G) Limit Alcohol and Avoid Tobacco: Excessive alcohol consumption and tobacco use are major contributors to numerous health problems, including heart disease, and respiratory issues. Limit alcohol intake to moderate levels and avoid tobacco products altogether.

H) Practice Mindful Eating: Pay attention to your body's hunger and fullness cues, and practice mindful eating by savoring each bite and chewing slowly. Avoid distractions like screens or work while eating, as this can lead to overeating and poor digestion.

I) Maintain Regular Health Check-Ups: Regular visits to your healthcare provider can help identify and address any potential health issues before they become serious. Be proactive about scheduling routine check-ups, screenings, and vaccinations.

J) Engage Your Mind: Just as physical exercise is essential for the body, mental stimulation is crucial for brain health. Keep your mind sharp by challenging yourself with puzzles, games, reading, or learning new skills.

Conclusion, achieving longevity and maintaining a healthy lifestyle is within reach for everyone, regardless of age or circumstance. By adopting these ten habits into your daily routine, you can significantly enhance your overall well-being and increase your chances of living a longer, healthier life. Remember, small changes can lead to significant improvements over time, so start incorporating these habits today and gain the benefits for years to come.

[topfindr]

How to reduce wrinkles naturally 💎 How to Get Rid of Wrinkles

How to reduce wrinkles naturally

Wrinkles are lines that appear on the skin. They are a normal part of the aging process. creases on your skin resemble creases on clothing that need to be pressed. They are visible as folds, creases, or ridges. Wrinkles are most commonly found on your face, neck, and arms, but they can appear anywhere on your body so how to reduce wrinkles naturally? It's never too early or too late to reduce wrinkles. These easy ways to reduce wrinkles can help you anytime. Quit smoking It's not always easy, but if you're having trouble, a nicotine patch or inhaler is a good place to start. 2． Adding some antioxidants to your diet Antioxidants protect your skin from free radicals. Foods with the highest amount of antioxidants are Berries, Plums, Red Beans, Apples, Cherries, Black Plums, Black Beans, and Fish Rich in Omega-3. Stay Hydrated Drink 2 liters of water a day, especially after exercise. If you don't like water, refresh yourself with fresh lemon or drink natural coconut water to boost your skin's hydration levels. Use a high-quality anti-wrinkle cream  To prevent wrinkles, apply a small amount of Q10 Serum under your day and night creams. Avoid excessive sun exposure Protect your skin from the sun by applying sunscreen or a moisturizer with SPF daily. If you will be outdoors for an extended period: Wear a hat, sunglasses, and a long-sleeved shirt, Always seek the shadow. Remember to drink plenty of water. If you accidentally get a sunburn, apply moisturizer after sunscreen. Get plenty of sleep Aim for about eight hours of sleep each night to give your body and skin time to repair. Applying a rich anti-wrinkle night cream before bed will accelerate the skin's renewal process Reduce stress Try to minimize your workload or reduce things that stress you out and can cause wrinkles. Yoga and meditation are also effective.

What causes wrinkles on our faces?

There is no doubt that knowing the causes of wrinkles is the best way to prevent them. Generally, wrinkles begin to form when collagen in the skin is broken down, Below is a list of some of the most common causes of collagen breakdown and wrinkles. Stress A hormone called cortisol is released When you are stressed, which is known to break down collagen in the skin. Facial Expressions frequent facial movements can lead to. premature aging. Your muscles remember these movements, which can lead to permanent forehead wrinkles over time. Smoking Smoking can narrow the blood vessels in the outermost layer of your skin. This can negatively affect blood flow to the skin and cause wrinkles. Bad Diet The diet helps your skin by providing important nutrients. Sun and Exposure to UVA Sun exposure is important to enable the production of vitamin D, but harmful sunlight can contribute to the breakdown of collagen in the skin. Genetics To some extent, genetics determine how quickly we age. Genetics determine your ability to produce collagen and elastin, which support wrinkle resistance.

When do I start acquiring wrinkles on my face?

As you become older, you'll see small lines emerge on your skin. This can begin after the age of 25. People between the ages of 40 and 55 are the most likely to seek wrinkle treatment. Wrinkles become increasingly visible after the age of 65.

How do wrinkles look?

Lines in your skin can be seen on the palm of your hand. Lines similar to those in your palm will emerge on other places of your body's skin as you age. Wrinkle symptoms include: Skin lines, wrinkles, or folds. Skin that is loose or drooping. Wrinkles are visible when you are at rest, but they may become more visible when you move your facial muscles, such as when you smile or frown.

Where will my wrinkles appear on my body?

Wrinkles can appear anywhere on your skin, although they are more common on: Hands, neck, arms, and legs.

Is it true that cosmetics cause wrinkles?

Makeup can block your pores if you don't remove it, limiting your body's ability to manufacture collagen proteins. If you never remove your makeup, you may experience premature aging and wrinkles. It is critical to remove makeup using a cleanser at the end of the day in order to keep your pores clear and avoid wrinkles. It's fine if you forget to remove your makeup a few times before going to bed, but putting makeup on all the time might damage your skin by blocking your pores.

Can caffeine cause wrinkles on your face?

While research into how caffeine, especially coffee, impacts your skin is still ongoing, caffeine does have some short-term benefits for your skincare routine. This means that while caffeine can temporarily improve the appearance of wrinkles, long-term usage of caffeine products will not cure wrinkles. Caffeine is an antioxidant that can protect your skin from substances that create wrinkles by damaging the collagen in your skin. FAQ: What should we do when we’re outdoors in the sun? Wear a hat, sunglasses, and a long-sleeved shirt, try to stay in the shadows, and drink plenty of water. Which foods can help us reduce wrinkles? Berries, Plums, Red Beans, Apples, Cherries, Black Plums, Black Beans, Fish Rich in Omega-3. How is the cortisol hormone released? When you are stressed, your body releases a hormone called cortisol which breaks down collagen in the skin. Read the full article

[tj-crochets]

I also managed to have my B12 levels drop by more than two thirds in like six months and my vitamin D levels are on the very low end of normal despite taking daily supplements for like eight years up until a few weeks ago* so I get to add more supplements to my morning routine. I'm not technically low on either but I'm in the "some people have symptoms in this zone" range of normal and I've been having muscle spasms and cramps again, so hopefully those will help? *up until the whole "replacement bottle smells like rotting meat" thing. Haven't made it to the store since then to get a different brand

Got my blood test results back and guess who's very iron deficient again? It's me lol no wonder I've been so tired

[livingtissue]

Ah apparently I have a pretty bad vitamin D deficiency, which can cause depression and fatigue, which I thought was just the way I live and had come to peace with it.

[ohcaptains]

sit around and miss you

pairing. frank castle x female! reader. an. hello!!!! pls reblog & comment if u like !!! love u warnings. 18+. female receiving penetration, spit play (!!in mouth!!), detailed descriptions of violence, use of the word sir, references to somnophilia (but not actually happening), mouth covering? with hand. frank’s a big meany who loves you.

synopsis. frank’s antsy after a night shift, especially when his buddies were talking smack about how he’s leaving you in bed all alone.

Sometimes, Frank works nights.

It used to be his full-time gig, but now that he’s moved onto a new line of work, he only has to do it once a week. On the Jobsite for eight pm, finish at four am. In bed by five. Showered. 

His hair damp and sticking on end from where he’d shoved a towel through it, too tired to care about the consequences of sleeping with it wet.

Just wants to get into bed, curl up behind you, and breathe morning sunshine, into the skin of your back before sleeping until lunchtime.

Every so often though, he gets distracted.

When he’s wired from being on a construction site for the last eight hours, and from the coffee he’d consumed, gallons of it, you’d said, but it was more like a litre – he’s not ready to sleep.

See’s you snuggled up in your shared bed.

Blanket stuffed between your limbs, legs wrapped around the fabric, letting him see the bare skin of your legs and the little slither of skin at the bottom of your back from where your shirt has risen. Cute little sleep socks fuzzy around your ankles. 

The skin of your thighs, soft on top of the duvet, and the way your shorts didn’t really fit you anymore, but every summer night you tugged the washed-out cotton on, driving Frank crazy by the way the fabric stops just after it starts.

I think it’s time to get new shorts sweetheart.

Your smug smile as you scrunch your face up. You don’t really mean that.

He didn’t. 

Same way he didn’t really want to let you sleep. 

Wanted to tug your shorts down and stretch you open. Slip inside of you. Feel how warm you are, all sleepy and groggy, whimpering his name as he says, shhh shh, go back to sleep baby. It’s just me. I’ll be quick I promise.

Franks wired again. 

Chomping at the god damn bit. 

The guys at work were giving him shit. In his onsite office, there’s a picture of you on his desk. One taken last summer. You’re smiling at the camera, glistening from the vitamin D, and dressed in a pretty, frilly, and short summer dress. 

A bunch of guys were in his office, talking about on loads and offloads when O’Brien made a whistling sound and tugged at the picture frame. “That your girl, Castle?” “That’s my wife, O’Brien.” “Damnnnnn,” Simpson sounded, taking the frame, “and you left that in bed to come here?”

Yeah. He did. And he felt bad about it every time. Even if before he left, you’d cup his face and kiss his forehead, saying, go bring home the bacon. Even if you pouted at his sad face, saying, you’ll be home soon. 

He imagined your pouty face then, as the guys were ogling over your picture.

Imagined you saying, Frank, again? As he dripped blood onto the welcome mat. Covered head to toe in it, the stains from what was left of O’Brien and Simpson.

Last time, I promise. You said that before.

Some guys just needed to be put down.

He thought about it. He really did. Thought about taking the paperweight you’d bought for him and slamming it against O’Brien’s head. Felt the impact, feeling it rattle through his frame before breathing a sigh of relief.

Then again, maybe not.

That didn’t stop him from laughing along with his buddies, though, as he got up from his chair. Stating a level of calm as he walked around his desk, nodding, saying, yeah, yeah, I did, as he took the frame from Simpson’s fingers, and then dropped his smile. 

Going completely serious. 

Face a death mask, absolutely nothing going on behind his black eyes. The boys’ laughter turned nervous. High pitch sounds trailed off, looking at each other for help as Frank stood there silently, time ticking by.

He could do it for hours.

He hadn’t needed to, though.

“Hey, Castle—” a voice from the door, punctuated by a knock. “They need you at the drop site.”

He chooses to ignore how wired he is.

He chooses to sit at the edge of the bed you share and stare into the darkness, the moonlight cutting the room in half from the slits in the blinds. Chooses to ignore the desire swimming in his belly. 

The feeling that’s been brewing since the guys made their comments. The feeling that burns deep, so deep sometimes that it scares him. 

The feeling to take. To possess. To consume.

You blink awake suddenly, the feeling of someone in the room waking you up. There’s a white figure in front of you, turned on its side from your position. 

You let out a little breath of surprise, whispering, “Frank?” in a concerned tone. He shifts quickly, turning round to face you. Messy damp hair and fingers combing through his beard.

“Hi baby,” he greets, whispering so as to not disturb you further. Still, you sit up, rubbing the sleep from your eyes. “Did you just get in?” “Half an hour ago?” He watches you shift across the bed, the moonlight bathing you, reminding him that you went to sleep in shorts and a thin tank top. “Mm,” you begin, sitting on your knees in front of him, “and you’re just sitting there?” “Mm-hmm,” he nods, black eyes tracing your features. “Like a weirdo,” you tease, raising a brow. He doesn’t laugh, just chews on his bottom lip and watches you. Sees the way you sit on the backs of your thighs, your hands on the tops, arms inadvertently pushing your breasts together in your thin vest. “I guess so,” he trails off. “What’s up?” you frown. He gives you a non-committed shrug. “Something happen at work?”

He blinks.

Bingo.

There it is.

Still, he shrugs. Doesn’t say a word as his eyes drunkenly study your features, seeing your puffy lips, and sleepy face. The way you wait so patiently for an answer. He knows that It’s just because you’ve just woken up. 

Any normal day, you’d be scoffing, saying, I’m not a mind reader, Frank, before dramatically rolling your eyes.

His finger comes out to smooth over your hip.

“Frank,” you whisper, cocking your head to the side. It didn’t matter that you’d been together for what had felt like a millennium – Frank got quiet. Tried to hide his demons in his silence. In his hard face and busted nose. 

You reach out, now, and trace the bumps there, cooing, saying, I can’t help if I don’t know.

He smells shower fresh. His hard, scarred skin is soft and clean. Hair damp at the edges, beard a little wet, too. Pretty. His naked back flexing – tense. Muscular chest the same, yet you trail the length of his nose. Delicately lift your finger and trace the outline of his eyebrows, leaning forward. Frank stays where he is. 

Tell me, you breathe.

Frank decides to show you.

Something snaps. That tense, that clench that he was holding onto disperses into the night as his big palm comes out and collects your waist, driving your back into the pillows as his body hovers over you. 

Surprised, a shocked sound tumbles from your mouth before Frank covers it, tasting your sleep and mint with his quick tongue.

It consumes you.

You’re still in that groggy, half-awake phase and it causes you to react slowly. You’re silent and unmoving from his touch until your body awakens.

Ohhh. So, this was what he was fighting? You wonder, feeling his big, bumpy nose mesh against your cheek as he kisses you, mouth hungry and skilled, tinged with a little desperation, then a lot as your legs lazily open, his body slotting against yours perfectly.

He grumbles against your mouth, your crotch brushing against his chest. 

The sound echoes throughout the night, throughout your bewildered body, and it forces your thighs to tighten around him, feet crossing over at the bottom of his back and slackly pushing at the elastic of his sleep trousers. Digging into the muscle of his ass and across the scar there.

He pulls away, your mouth trailing after his until his big hand comes into view, tightening around your jaw. 

The ghost of a smile finds your lips, one that makes Frank go warm. Though, he frowns. “The guys at work were talking about you.” The admission makes you mimic his face. “They saw the picture I have of you…asked how I could leave a woman like you all alone in bed.”

A woman like you. A woman like me? you think. “Gosh, such a travesty,” you say, rolling your eyes. You introduce a pout, your tone twisting into a mocking sound. “Oh, Frank! What ever would I do without my man?” “Shut up,” he grumbles. Still, you carry on, a light-hearted, sleepy smile on your face as you clutch his chest. “I am lost, lost without you! Whenever you’re away, I just sit around and miss you!”

Which is not entirely wrong, if you’re being honest. Frank’s face gets hard. “It pissed me off, having them question me. Question…” my love for you. “Ohhh,” you whisper, leaning up to brush against his wanting mouth. “So, you want to show them who’s boss?” Frank shakes his head. “They’re right, how on earth could I leave you alone in our bed?” He mouths at the dip at your neck. Tongue jutting out to lick at your skin, making your mouth open to the white of your ceiling.

His large, bear-like palm flattens across your body, smoothing down your side to the small shorts. “Especially dressed like this.” He’s half-hard against you already, cock pushing against the bottom of your belly. The feel of him is a welcome one. It fuels you on – makes you act on instinct and rut your hips up into him, grinding your crotch against his length.

“Oh fuck,” he curses, the end of the word high pitch and breathy. You carry on grinding your clothed cunt against him, feeling him swell, hearing his breathing quicken and he tries to hide it, tries to muffle it against the hot skin of your neck but it’s no use. “God,” you gasp, clenching as the head of his cock brushes at your clit. The side of his face comes into view, and he moves to kiss the underside of your jaw. 

Moves lower, mouth trailing over your collar bones while his big fingers tug at the elastic of your vest, forcing your tits to spill out.

With your fingers in his long hair, he mouths at your hardened nipple, tongue lapping at the skin and sucking it into his mouth. “I nearly killed them, I swear,” he grumbles, sucking a bruise into the soft skin. Your sleepy brain remembers how this started.

He would have and don’t you know it.

But, right now, you’re too focused on the feeling of his calloused hand gently rubbing at your skin. Too focused on the wet of his mouth spreading over your breast, his teeth running over you ever so gently, forcing you to gasp his name. You rake your nails lower, over the top of his hard, muscular back. Ground-up again, hips rolling against the tense skin of his chest.

God, you’re tired. So fucking turned on, too. The drowsy feeling, mixed with the heightened sensation of his cock still pushing at your clit makes you loopy, makes you mouldable. 

He’s being so gentle with you, yet his words are venomous – tinged with hate. “Smash their heads in for even looking at you.”

He would, too.

Back then, probably. Didn’t he do that one time? …you can’t remember.

Big bad Frank Castle. Your, big bad Frank Castle, who’s leaving marks over your chest with his tongue, mumbling out, kill em, for looking at my pretty girl.

He tongues your nipple, chuckling at himself. “I will pay thousands of dollars to keep the heating on, just so you can go to bed in outfits like these every night,” Frank declares. 

You close your eyes and arch your back, a dreamy smile on your face as you tease, “What’s the point if you just leave me here all alone though?”

He stops. In the dark, you can feel his breathing fluttering against your face. Dragging your eyes open, he’s there, that big nose that you love, the wet lips you dream about. Black eyes that make you squirm.

“Hi,” you giggle, thinking it’s funny. Frank’s face is serious, though.

“You laughing at me, baby?” he asks. “No way,” you sound, shaking your head. Still, there’s delirium in your eyes. In the silence of the night, Frank watches you. Sees you chewing on your lips, and sees the way you’re lazily blinking at him.

“What’s the matter?” he asks softly. “M'sleepy.”

Suddenly, Frank feels like an asshole.

His face crumbles.

You see it happening, see his self-hatred rearing up to come and grab him.

“I’m sorry, baby—I,” he starts, and Nononono, you think. Quickly, you shake your head. Kiss his lips to quiet him, peck at his cheek, his thick neck, “m’want you, though,” you mumble against him, hoping the words seep into his skin. 

Frank’s silent, contemplative. You slide your fingers back into his hair, mould your mouth to his and hitch your hips up, sliding your clothed pussy against his dick.

“M’was dreaming about you,” you admit, and the admission forces a pained groan out of him. He kisses you back, albeit with less vigour than before. Battling with himself. “Whenever you’re gone, I always do. Think about moments like this,” you carry on, grinding your hips into him, whimpering out when the head of his dick meets your clit again and your tone is breathless as you whisper against his mouth, “think about waking up with you inside of me.” You swear he whimpers, but the sound disperses as he meshes his mouth deeper, tongue pushing against yours with his big hand wandering over your body. 

Over your tits, stomach, until he stuffs it between your legs, dragging a desperate whine from you, then the truth.

“When um all sleepy, and groggy.”

His fingers push at the damp fabric – against your clit. The pressure makes you blind, makes you carry on.

“and you’re just so big on top of me,” you sigh, tasting his spit, imaging him, then feeling him, his body a weighted blanket.

“and you’re telling me to shhh, covering my mouth and just saying, take it.” He mutters something against you, but you can’t hear it. Can just feel him, rolling your clit round and round, your slick pooling in your shorts. 

It makes your back arch, makes you sob his name into his mouth before he opens his eyes and juts his spare hand out, taking your jaw in his big palm again.

Your breath catches, pussy clenches at the sensation, and it makes you whimper out, “I want you inside of me.”

Frank says, okay baby, and spits in your mouth.

You hear it before you see it, or taste it, even. Hear the wet sound, then feel it trickling over your lips and chin, pooling above his fingers at your jaw.

Like a trained pet, your tongue comes out, silently begging, again.

You know it’s just your tired, groggy brain talking, but It feels like a fucking religious experience. He spits into your mouth again, dribbles onto your wanting tongue, forcing your cunt to clench again, clit throbbing – aching, as you taste him.

He kisses the remainder away, his tongue flat and dragging your mouth into his. He’s still moving his big finger, still dragging your clit in tight, skilled circles. 

You cry again, the sound twisting into a moan as he hits a nerve. Heat pools at your lower back. You clench again, pouting against his mouth.

“I know,” Frank soothes, and he does, can feel it, feel how wet you are, fabric slick with you.

So, he speeds up and hears your resulting cries as you clench the duvet in your fists, tits bouncing as your body shudders.

Frank bends down and takes one in his mouth. He runs his teeth over your nipple and you’re sobbing, throwing your head back and clinging to his hair. Hips grinding into his hand, nodding, whispering, “please, oh god, please.” “Shh, shh, baby,” he coos, then, he smiles, “take it.”

You come then, fingers stuffed into his hair, his name tumbling from your lips. The feeling spreads over your thighs, your cunt, in your belly, your slick leaking into your underwear. “God, oh my fucking god,” you sob, clenching, Frank’s finger’s still going, and you try and push him away, squirming, the pressure overwhelming but he’s a stone, mouth still sucking at your nipple.

You can’t come down. The feeling never ends, instead, it triples with his movement, making your nerves shot, and overstimulated.

“F-Frank,” you sob, and he must hear your tone because when you shove your hands down to push his away, he lets you.

Drags his mouth up to kiss you. Swallows down your whimpers. Says, there you go, with his damp fingers brushing over your own. He lets you sober up, even if the feeling has made you drunk. Made you liquid.

“You ready to take me now, pretty?” His dark husk asks. The thought makes you cry. “Yes please,” you shiver, reaching up to kiss him. You’re still so eager, greedy, begging him to push inside of you with your deep kiss and wandering hands. “Atta girl,” Frank compliments, the words washing over you, making you dumb. “Let’s get your shorts off, huh?”

Clothes on the floor, Frank’s lining himself up with your aching hole. You watch, legs spread open, then feel him start to push the head in. 

“Shit,” you hiss, head falling back – pussy clenching around him already. He slides his hands over the inside of your thighs and the feeling goes straight to your clit.

“Relax baby,” he whispers, eyes flicking up to yours, “or I’m not gonna fit.”

You nod, breathing, “Okay.” Then, “Okay, okay, okay.” “Shh shh shh,” he repeats, bending his head down to kiss you. Your arms come around the back of his head, running your fingers through his hair, taking his lips, and sinking back into the bed. “That’s it,” he whispers, his voice a husk, his praise melting you, making you loose and slack.

Slowly, he guides himself in. Big enough to stretch you open and the sound of your pussy squelching fills your ears, followed by Frank grunting, the grumble spilling into your open mouth. 

God, he slips all the way in. Fills you up so full that you cry, stutter a sob, breath caught in the back of your throat. Brain going cloudy, body melting into his.

“You’re so pretty like this,” Frank mutters, slotting his lips over yours, “stuffed with my cock.”

“Oh my God,” you quiver, shaking your head, begging for him to just shut up cause he’s making you lightheaded. He’s so deep inside of you, just staying there, cock twitching, forcing a pout onto your lips as he looks at you, so fucking close.

Like he’s inside of you, consuming you, and sometimes you wish he did. Sometimes you want him to climb inside of your body and take over. Wear you like a fucking puppet. 

How do you miss him when he’s right there? On top of you, kissing at your swollen lips and soothing you with his words.

He pushes his hands under your thighs and lifts your hips. The position slides him deeper. Makes his cock push up into you, into that spongy part inside of you that forces your eyes to roll back, your cunt clenching around him so tight that he hisses, groaning deeply. He shakes his head as if he can’t believe it.

“’take me so good baby, s’like you were made for me.” “I was,” you respond because he’s made you honest. In the delirium of him, you’re saying whatever he wants. Saying what you’ve had buried inside of you for so long, waiting for moments like this. 

When he slides his dick out, the ridges of him pushing against your walls, then slowwwwlyyy sinks back in, you’re spilling some of those truths.

“It’s true,” you weep, voice whiny and desperate. 

Mouth against his, kissing him sloppily, the sound of your pussy taking him filling the room.

“I do sit around and miss you,” you admit, and Frank punctuates the comment by fucking up into you, rolling his hips upwards and god you’re moaning, clutching the back of his head and his face is all fuzzy from your hooded eyes, your mouth still wet with his spit and you give it back to him, tongue sliding into his mouth to take him and take him and take him and, “I’m yours,” you weep.

Frank fucking laughs.

Laughs into your mouth, the sound of it twinged with frenzy.

He shakes his head, “I’ve trained you so god damn well, haven’t I?” and thrusts into you, splitting you open with his cock. The response bursts from your mouth -- “Yes,” you sob, nodding and chewing on your bottom lip. “You just wait here, sitting pretty in our bed until I come home, huh?” “Yes sir,” you agree, and it’s not even like that. Not once has he even hinted that he wanted it like that, but fuck the word just came out. Fell out of your pretty mouth and Frank goes wild with it, groans deep, grunts, Jesus Christ, and starts fucking you faster to thank you. “Is that how you want it?” he asks, his black eyes pouring into yours. Your pussy is still sensitive from coming earlier. Sopping wet, puffy, and swollen from his fingers and now from his cock pushing up into you. 

The feeling pulls out more truths, and they’re lined with the high pitch, desperate whines that only come out when he’s fucking you like this.

You shake your head.

“No?” he asks, raising a thick brow.

You giggle, then, and the sweet sound is twisted with a loud groan as his big fingers come down and stuff into your pussy, pushing at your clit. Your body goes white-hot.   “How do you want it then baby?” he asks. “I just wanna feel you,” you whisper, so fucked out that you’ve lost your voice. You drag your fingers across the muscles in his upper back, fiddle with his hair and carry on, “wanna feel you come inside of me.” He growls. Growls as if he’s a god damn dog and buries his red face into your shoulder, hiding from you and your effect on him.

It makes you whine, “m’wanna see you, too.”

“Wanna see me,” he mutters to himself, appearing from your shoulder.

Frank reaches back and collects your arms – pushes them behind you, his wide palm locking around your wrists. The movement makes you stutter.

“Look at me then, baby,” he orders.

He’s got you stretched out and open for him – free to be toyed with. Open enough that you feel the cool air on your hot skin. Feel his eyes everywhere, consuming you as he leans back and studies your body. Looks at the swell of your tits, the fabric of your vest stretched beneath them. 

The skin at your stomach. Spread of your pussy as his thighs keep you sprawled open. Looks at you with his Black eyes – a god damn demon – wearing that look, animalistic.

“Should take a picture of you like this,” he mumbles. Slowly, he moves his damp fingers upwards, spreading your slick across your lower stomach. “I’ll frame it and put it on my desk.”

The comment fills you with shame because you’re agreeing, nodding your head then hiding it in the crook of your arm.

Whatever he wants. Whatever Frank wants.

“That’s right, sweetheart. S’whatever Frank wants.”

Hadn’t realised you’d said it out loud, but it’s there, now, so you nod. 

Nod and nod and nod and say whatever Frank wants Frank gets and he groans, grunts, says, attagirl. My perfect girl. My sweet, sweet girl, lemme make you come again. Want you to come around my fucking cock and he leans down, spreads you open and starts speaking into your neck, fucking you steadily, fingers rolling your clit around in tight, wet circles. 

Give it to me sweetheart, you gonna let me have it?

You’re seeing stars. 

Vision blurry and white, nothing but the feeling of Frank to ground you. Words tumble out of your mouth, an endless trail of incoherent babble but it must make some sense because Frank responds. 

He nods, says, that’s it. Keeps going at his steady, skilled pace. Teeth run over the delicate skin of your throat, and you gasp, clenching around his cock, clenching tight enough that Frank curses. Says, “Shit – god damnit girl.”

Heat pools around your thighs, dialling down to your clit as Frank speeds his fingers up, pushing them into the nerve, forcing you to gush around him. 

Tight, neck straining, back arching, and god you can feel it washing over you, feel it coming up, reaching up to come and grab you. 

“Frank,” you whine, aching and breathless. It’s just his name. Brain filled up with the five letters.

“Frank, Frank – God.”

Your pussy tightens around his cock like a vice, clenching hard and unyielding and Frank groans, nodding, going, “shit, can fucking feel it.” Everything is pressurised. Eagerly, you push your hips up into his cock, locking your legs around his waist, tightening up like a clam. “God,” you say again, and It comes out as if you’re pleading. “That’s it,” Frank soothes. Kisses you, deep and long, tongue tasting your desperation and you whine around it, skin a live wire. “Don’t stop,” you beg against his damp mouth. “Please don’t stop I’m gonna come baby, I’m gonna—” Frank’s palm comes up and flattens over your mouth.

“Stop talking about it and fucking come then.”

That’s it. He bullies you over the edge with his mean marching order and you weep, nod, eyes rolling back into your head as your clit throbs, spasming, heat flooding over your groin and making you tighten your entire body around him.

Frank fucks you through it. Releases the pressure, his Cock slick with you, white and sopping and everything aches but it feels so god damn good that it doesn’t matter.

He’s hovering, inches away from your face -- watching you through wild eyes. “Shit,” he groans as your pussy carries on clenching around his cock, the feeling not stopping. 

It bleeds through your subconscious; makes you babble against his palm. Frank looks at where your bodies join, at where he’s pushed deep into your pussy. “Jesus christ--” he drags, “look at you, milking my god damn cock.”

When he pulls his hand away from your mouth, your sobs fill the room. Echo against the walls. A choking gasp muddled with his name. 

“Thank you,” you tremble, body shaking with the come down. “Oh my fucking God, thank you.”

He lets go of your hands, too, letting them come around to cradle the back of his head. He shakes it, face sincere, slowing his movements to let you catch up. Come back down to earth. “I haven’t even given you what you wanted yet, baby. I still gotta come inside.”

Coming has had you lightheaded. Has made your brain fuzzy and static, so you giggle, dragging Frank’s mouth back to yours. He makes a pleased sound, “that okay with you sweetheart?” he mumbles.

You push your hips up into him, whimpering from the sensitivity.

“s’whatever Frank wants, remember?” you whisper.

Frank grins, “Damn straight.”

[hollyclough]

My Blood Type Taught Me A Lot About Myself. It Gave Me Answers To Questions No One Else Ever Could.

Recently I had to have a blood draw to check for low Vitamin D levels. One of the kickers of winter time is lack of sunlight and lack of sunlight means lack of Vitamin D. Because of all the news on Covid (I had Covid back in August) and how lines have been drawn to certain blood types being more prone to getting it and others not, I requested a blood type test with the other lab work I needed done. I didn't know knowing my blood type would teach me so much about myself. 

I’m A positive. A positive people have a tendency to have a hard time managing stress. They also tend to do better on vegetarian based diets and don’t tolerate beef, dairy, or gluten very well. I’ve been dairy free for eight years now, gluten free going on six, and honestly its true. I used to get very ill whenever I used to consume dairy or gluten products. My doctors could never figure it out until I went dairy and gluten free. 

For the last couple years I also struggled with stress management. I was burning out all the time. I’m still a work in progress but I worked with a therapist that taught me tactics to help better manage and cope with my stress and anxiety, ie. meditation, yoga, strength training, etc. 

I was thoroughly amazed at how many similarities I found in my results. It gave me a lot to answers to ‘why's’ I’d had for years. The ‘why I’m like this’ and the ‘why does this thing happen when I do this thing’… turns out it’s in my DNA. I gained new insight and new ways to approach things to help me feel and perform my best. 

[blog-cosmosuniverse1]

What Can Go Wrong?

What Can Go Wrong?

One key take-home from the Nature Reviews Drug Discovery article5 cited above is that replacing rare codons “must be used judiciously,” as rarer codons can have slower translation rates and a slowed-down rate is actually necessary to prevent protein misfolding.

The spike protein is the toxic part of the virus responsible for the most unique effects of the virus, such as the blood clotting disorders, neurological problems and heart damage. To expect the COVID shot to not produce these kinds of effects would be rather naïve.

A (adenine) and U (uracil) in the third position are rare, and the COVID shots replace these A’s and U’s with G’s (guanine) or C’s (cytosine). According to Seneff, this switch results in a 1,000-fold greater amount of spike protein compared to being infected with the actual virus.

What could go wrong? Well, just about anything. Again, the shot induces spike protein at levels unheard of in nature (even if SARS-CoV-2 is a “souped up” manmade concoction), and the spike protein is the toxic part of the virus responsible for the most unique effects of the virus, such as the blood clotting disorders, neurological problems and heart damage.

So, to expect the COVID shot to not produce these kinds of effects would be rather naïve. The codon switches might also result in protein misfolding, which is equally bad news. As explained by Seneff in our previous interview:

“The spike proteins that these mRNA vaccines are producing … aren’t able to go into the membrane, which I think is going to encourage it to become a problematic prion protein. Then, when you have inflammation, it upregulates alpha-synuclein [a neuronal protein that regulates synaptic traffic and neurotransmitter release].

So, you're going to get alpha-synuclein drawn into misfolded spike proteins, turning into a mess inside the dendritic cells in the germinal centers in the spleen. And they're going to package up all this crud into exosomes and release them. They’re then going to travel along the vagus nerve to the brainstem and cause things like Parkinson's disease.

So, I think this is a complete setup for Parkinson's disease ... It's going to push forward the date at which someone who has a propensity towards Parkinson's is going to get it.

And it's probably going to cause people to get Parkinson's who never would have gotten it in the first place — especially if they keep getting the vaccine every year. Every year you do a booster, you bring the date that you're going to get Parkinson's ever closer.”

Immune Dysfunction and Viral Flare-Ups

Other significant threats include immune dysfunction and the flare-up of latent viral infections, which is something Mikovits has been warning about. In our previous interview, she noted:

“We use poly(I:C) [a toll-like receptor 3 agonist] to signal the cell to turn on the type I interferon pathway, and because [the spike protein your body produces in response to the COVID shot] is an unnatural synthetic envelope, you're not seeing poly(I:C), and you're not [activating] the Type I interferon pathway.

You've bypassed the plasmacytoid dendritic cell, which combined with IL-10, by talking to the regulatory B cells, decides what subclasses of antibodies to put out. So, you've bypassed the communication between the innate and adaptive immune response. You now miss the signaling of the endocannabinoid receptors …

A large part of Dr. [Francis] Ruscetti’s and my work over the last 30 years has been to show you don't need an infectious transmissible virus — just pieces and parts of these viruses are worse, because they also turn on danger signals. They act like danger signals and pathogen-associated molecular patterns.

So, it synergistically leaves that inflammatory cytokine signature on that spins your innate immune response out of control. It just cannot keep up with the myelopoiesis [the production of cells in your bone marrow]. Hence you see a skew-away from the mesenchymal stem cell towards TGF-beta regulated hematopoietic stem cells.

This means you could see bleeding disorders on both ends. You can't make enough firetrucks to send to the fire. Your innate immune response can't get there, and then you've just got a total train wreck of your immune system.”

We’re now seeing reports of herpes and shingles infection following COVID-19 injection, and this is precisely what you can expect if your Type I interferon pathway is disabled. That’s not the end of your potential troubles, however, as these coinfections could accelerate other diseases as well.

For example, herpes viruses have been implicated as a trigger of both AIDS6 and myalgic encephalomyelitis7 (chronic fatigue syndrome or ME-CFS). According to Mikovits, these diseases don’t appear until viruses from different families partner up and retroviruses take out the Type 1 interferon pathway. Long term, the COVID mass injection campaign may be laying the foundation for a rapidly approaching avalanche of a wide range of debilitating chronic illnesses.

Are COVID Shots Appropriately Optimized?

As noted in the Vaccines article cited earlier, the codon optimization in the Pfizer and Moderna shots could be problematic:8

“As mammalian host cells attack unmodified exogeneous RNA, all U nucleotides were replaced by N1-methylpseudouridine (Ψ). However, Ψ wobbles more in base-pairing than U and can pair not only with A and G, but also, to a lesser extent, with C and U.

This is likely to increase misreading of a codon by a near-cognate tRNA. When nucleotide U in stop codons was replaced by Ψ, the rate of misreading of a stop codon by a near-cognate tRNAs increased.

Such readthrough events would not only decrease the number of immunogenic proteins, but also produce a longer protein of unknown fate with potentially deleterious effects …

The designers of both vaccines considered CGG as the optimal codon in the CGN codon family and recoded almost all CGN codons to CGG … [M]ultiple lines of evidence suggest that CGC is a better codon than CGG. The designers of the mRNA vaccines (especially mRNA-1273) chose a wrong codon as the optimal codon.”

The paper also points out the importance of vaccine mRNA to be translated accurately and not merely effectively, because if the wrong amino acids are incorporated, it can confuse your immune system and prevent it from identifying the correct targets.

Accuracy is also important in translation termination, and here it comes down to selecting the correct stop codons. Stop codons (UAA, UAG or UGA), when present at the end of an mRNA coding sequence signals the termination of protein synthesis.

According to the author, both Pfizer and Moderna selected less than optimal stop codons. “UGA is a poor choice of a stop codon, and UGAU in Pfizer/BioNTech and Moderna mRNA vaccines could be even worse,” she says.

What Health Problems Can We Expect to See More Of?

While the variety of diseases we may see a rise in as a result of this vaccination campaign are myriad, some general predictions can be made. We’ve already seen a massive uptick in blood clotting disorders, heart attacks and stroke, as well as heart inflammation.

More long term, Seneff believes we’ll see a significant rise in cancer, accelerated Parkinson's-like diseases, Huntington's disease, and all types of autoimmune diseases and neurodegenerative disorders.

Mikovits also suspects many will develop chronic and debilitating diseases and will die prematurely. At highest risk, she places those who are asymptomatically infected with XMRVs and gammaretroviruses from contaminated conventional vaccines. The COVID shot will effectively accelerate their death by crippling their immune function. “The kids that are highly vaccinated, they're ticking time bombs,” Mikovits said in my May 2021 interview.

What Are the Options?

While all of this is highly problematic, there is hope. From my perspective, I believe the best thing you can do is to build your innate immune system. To do that, you need to become metabolically flexible and optimize your diet. You’ll also want to make sure your vitamin D level is optimized to between 60 ng/mL and 80 ng/mL (100 nmol/L to 150 nmol/L).

I also recommend time-restricted eating, where you eat all your meals for the day within a six- to eight-hour window. Time-restricted eating will also upregulate autophagy, which may help digest and remove spike protein. Avoid all vegetable oils and processed foods. Focus on certified-organic foods to minimize your glyphosate exposure.

Sauna therapy may also be helpful. It upregulates heat shock proteins, which can help refold misfolded proteins. They also tag damaged proteins and target them for removal.

[i-am-just-a-kiddo]

Thank you @vishcount for tagging me once again, you busy bee 💞

This took ages but was fun

1. What is the color of your hairbrush?  black

2. Name a food you never eat. hard cheese? like cheese that is not melted, the only exception is mozarella and feta 

3. Are you typically too warm or too cold? both, my system is all over the place so it keeps varying between extremes. but i loathe heat so i am not a good summer person, i whine so much 

4. What were you doing 45 minutes ago? i watched this girl on youtube dragging onision’s book lol

5. What’s your favorite candy bar? hmmm i feel like i haven’t eaten one in ages but the one i remembered now is kaštan - the chocolate is so smooth, but i don’t have it often

6. Have you ever been to a professional sports game? i don’t think so? unless you count the gymnastics competions i went to when i was a child and still doing gymnastics

7. What is the last thing you said out loud? “enjoy your food” to my flatmate cooking in the kitchen 

8. What is your favourite ice cream? chocolate and lemon sorbet (or just any sorbet tbh) 

9. What was the last thing you had to drink? water

10. Do you like your wallet? yeah it’s cute, my dad bought it for me when i went through my kuroshitsuji phase - it’s fake-leather with the demonic sigil on one side and the japanese name on the other (also it’s hella battered rip)

11. What is the last thing you ate? pasta with spinach and feta (why is it with these i always eat pasta)

12. Did you buy any new clothes last weekend? nope

13. What’s the last sporting event you watched? am just gonna count street dance china here

14. What is your favorite flavor of popcorn? just normal salty ones

15. Who is the last person you sent a text message to? @vishcount as well, because i love them and i enjoy their screaming as well as screaming back at them 💞

16. Ever been camping? yes, my family and i used to go camping in italy all the time, it was so lovely. i miss those times sometimes. i’ve also been camping during festivals and the last time i went was denmark in summer 2019

17. Do you take vitamins? i take vitamin d’s during winter, and also eat oranges and lemons very responsibly

18. Do you regularly attend a place of worship? i do not, i only like looking at churches/mosques when they are empty so i guess i do that often 

19. Do you have a tan? no, and my mum keeps scolding me for my paleness

20. Do you prefer chinese or pizza? please don’t make me choose sob. i wanna say both, but i think pizza wins by slight margin

21. Do you drink your soda through a straw? not really, unless am at mcdonalds or somewhere else

22. What color socks do you usually wear? very colourful ones with patters!! since my entire outfit is black usually i love having cute/colourful/patterned socks (my recent treasure was provided by vishie and i sobbed)

23. Do you ever drive above the speed limit? i can’t drive

24. What terrifies you? the future

25. Look to your left, what do you see? my water glass, my crocheting, a pile of writing material

26. What chore do you hate most? emptying the dishwasher - it’s too noisy

27. What do you think of when you hear an Australian accent? steve irwin, i loved watching his show when i was little

28. What’s your favorite soda? coke or sprite 

29. Do you go in a fast food place or just hit the drive thru? i can’t drive, so any other option

30. What’s your favorite number? i think eight but i don’t have strong feelings

31. Who’s the last person you talked to? my flatmate

32. Favorite meat? hmm fish and seafood (am 80% vegetarian so yeah) 

33. Last song you listened to? dragon tongue squad - chinese cooking (this song is so feel good and i love it okay) 

34. Last book you read? phew let me thing for a second. 

okay so i couldn’t remember the last book i read but i can name a longer dissertation called transformation and tradition: cataloguing chinese art in the middle and late imperial eras in by cheng yen-wen; and am working my way through an actual book called bronze and stone: the cult of antiquity in song dynasty china by sena yunchiahn c. (i feel like i don’t read anything else apart from uni lately - and honestly i am fine with that cause it’s fun) 

35. Favorite day of the week? friday maybe? 

36. Can you say the alphabet backwards? nope, we gotta sit here til tomorrow 

37. How do you like your coffee? black, in summer iced

38. Favorite pair of shoes? all my pairs of docs boots

39. Time you normally get up? hmm recently i have woken up somewhere between 9-10 but usually i take ages to get up so 11ish is a good time

40. What do you prefer, sunrise or sunsets? i loooooove sunsets in every form but i experience sunrises so rarely that it always feels very special and magical

41. How many blankets on your bed? one, and one for emergency

42. Describe your kitchen plates. bold of you to assume i have one set of kitchen plates and not just a jumbled mess of second hand plates and plates ppl have left in this flat ages ago. and honestly i wouldn’t want it any other way. (but i bought myself a pair of pastel pink and black plates from ikea)

43. Describe your kitchen at the moment. moderately tidy, for once it is not crowded and there are only some pots piling by the sink for drying

44. Do you have a favorite alcoholic drink? sparkling wine/prosecco, wine, beer, gin tonic

45. Do you play cards? no, only uno and maumau cause i suck at cards

46. What color is your car? invisible cause nonexistent

47. Can you change a tire? nope!!

48. Your favorite state or province? uhm. huh. i think where i live right now is good, the capital is its own province so that is nice

49. Favorite job you’ve had? i have only worked at one factory that produces measurement equipment and spirit levels for 5,5 months in total and i gotta say, it was surprisingly okay? i mean it was hell, because everyone is treated like machines, but i guess i enjoyed doing physical labour on my own without having to interact with ppl a lot; and with those i interacted they were really nice and you sort of connect through this atmosphere of being stuck there (though i guess i was most privileged cause i knew i would go to uni and wouldn’t be stuck here for the next 30 years like many others that worked there. i am angry about this, why is capitalism like this)

i am tagging @sassyassassy , @intyalote , @the-cloud-whisperer , @isabellaofparma (two in one day - i am sorry, my friend vishie is busy tagging me in all these so am just continuing this love train). no pressure though, as always

[personalcoachingcenter]

How To Get Out Of A Funk - A Few Ways to Escape a Depressive Rut

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How To Get Out Of A Funk - A Few Ways to Escape a Depressive Rut

Depression is a serious mental illness and I am NOT a doctor. So if you are clinically depressed get some professional help, but you don’t need to have clinical depression to feel like crap. Once in a while in my life, I feel like I’ve lost, my mojo, like I’ve lost that spark of life.

That used to drive me to my goals and keep me motivated a lot of people. Call this a funk and clearly a lot of people find themselves in it, because, when you type in on Google, how to get out of a funk is one of the top results.

So how does one get out of this funk? Well, if you ask yourself that question you came to the right video, so here are five scientifically proven ways to un-screw yourself and get some positive energized momentum back into your life step, 1.

Wake up! At the same time, every single day you’ll, hear people saying all the time that, in order to be healthy, you need to get more sleep. Human beings tend to operate best on between seven and a half and eight and a half hours of sleep, but it’s just as important to have predictability in your sleep patterns.

Your brain needs that, furthermore, as far as energy levels go, your wake time is more important than your bedtime. Your body’s. Internal clock loves a predictable wake-up time. So if you’re in a funk and you’re serious about getting out of it instead of saying, I’m gonna go to bed at 10:30 p.

m. every night from now on, obviously try to go to bed At a good hour, but set a fixed wake-up time that’s, non-negotiable and it’ll help you out a lot step. Number two is to go outside in nature. I make videos as a job as my main source of income.

So you’ll, often find me for hours on end days on end in my little computer cave editing away, far away from the sunlight like a little vampire boy and doing this makes it very easy for me to slip into a funk.

If I’m, not careful, but I’ve noticed that going outside in nature, taking a walk. Getting some fresh air is integral to maintaining my sanity and overall sense of well-being. In fact, I made an entire video about this.

The benefits of going outside! You’d, be surprised just how good going outside is for you, and most of these benefits I talked about.

Have nothing to do with vitamin D. Go outside step. Number three is to eat a good breakfast every more. I know that intermittent fasting is all the rage right now with bodybuilders and people who are trying to lose weight.

But science shows that people who eat a good breakfast full of omega-3 fatty acids and protein showed elevated mood and overall sense of well-being compared to people who skip breakfast or just relied on coffee.

And if you’re, not really a breakfast person. Definitely do some research as to what constitutes a good breakfast like eggs and avocado, and things that will give you protein and omega-3 fatty acids so then take a trip to a grocery store, come back with the supplies and figure out how to make it.

That way, you’re prepared there’s, no guesswork, you can just hop out of bed, have a good breakfast and be ready to go tip. Number four is get some exercise. You’ve heard this a million times, but the science is there.

Exercise is by far one of the most effective ways to alleviate depression and increase overall mood, because it raises the serotonin levels in your brain, the lack of which is one of the main causes of major depressive disorder.

So, if exercise is good enough for legitimate doctors to prescribe to patients who have clinical depression, it’s. Good enough for me to prescribe to you to get out of your funk and the thing about exercise.

Is you don’t need to develop a complex workout plan to get the benefits? Studies have shown that just a brisk walk for half an hour three times a week is enough to give you the benefits, so even make it a daily habit.

When you wake up in the morning, set aside 20 minutes to half an hour to just put on some running shoes and walk around the block, I guarantee you that if you’re, not getting exercise doing, this will make.

You feel a lot better and finally tip number five is to get some social interaction. Who would have thought right? Studies have shown that there’s, a huge difference between quality, face-to-face interaction and just messaging somebody texting somebody or talking to them on the phone.

Long story, short face-to-face interaction, is better and makes you feel a lot better too, and an interesting thing is the benefits of face-to-face interactions seem to amplify the older you get. So, even if you’re young, it’s, important to develop healthy social habits so that when you’re older, you won’t, be sad.

It’s, not good. It’s, not very it’s, not that nice, I don’t want to be it sad old person. This may sound weird, but I have a very packed schedule most of the time, so I will literally schedule in a social interaction into my Google Calendar to make sure that I do it.

That way. When I’m feeling social or not, which is usually when I need social interaction, the most my fate is sealed. I I just have to hang out with somebody so that’s. It if you find yourself in a bit of a funk, you might be in a bit of a funk right now.

It doesn’t have to last forever, and hopefully the tips in this article will help you get that kick in the butt. You need to make you a productive, functioning human member of society. Source : Youtube

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[elmidol]

Hold On :: Let Go

Three Blind Tooke Part One Resistance is Futile

Read on AO3

Warnings: violence, injury

Three Blind Tooke Part One: Resistance is Futile

Chapter Eight: Hold On :: Let Go

We pity monsters, Yet wish for their deaths. They pity us too, Until our last breaths.

You awoke the following morning with your legs entangled with his. Kylo Ren was already in a conscious state; it was the sounds of him conversing with the physician who had drawn your blood that had disrupted your sleep. The results showed that you were currently anemic, which hardly surprised you. What did shock you a minute amount was that it appeared your health was the reason for the treatment; Kylo Ren wanted to ensure that your body was physically sound. They had also checked your vitamin levels. You were vitamin d deficient, not that you had expected anything less. The sound of a bottle of pills being set down on the bedside table alerted you to the fact that this would be remedied.

When the physician mentioned that you were not with child, you felt yourself stiffen. Had he been trying—? But, no; your captor released a light noise prior to stating his wishes for you to be chipped before breakfast. The device would release hormones to temporarily keep you from being impregnated. It was a process that was easily reversible, yet you had previously elected to not be chipped when you had been with the Resistance.

Aware that you were already awake, Kylo Ren nudged you towards the edge of the bed. You seized hold of the bed sheet, wrapping it around yourself as you stood on wobbly legs. He also stood, his hands steadying you so that you did not collapse. Kylo Ren informed the physician that the two of you would shower, and at that point you would be ready to be chipped. The physician responded by stating he would get the materials straight away. He then dismissed himself and left. At that point, Kylo Ren placed a hand on your upper arm and steered you towards the refresher. On the way, he grabbed the bottle of vitamins, emptying one into his hand and giving it to you. You held onto the pill until you were in the refresher. There, you placed the pill near the back of your throat, turned on the water in the sink, and cupped your hand to take a small drink with which you were able to swallow the vitamin.

I need to regain my strength to slay this monster.

You stepped into the shower with your captor without having to be told to do so. You wanted more than anything to clean yourself; the dried semen, your own juices also dried to your inner thighs. The hot spray also felt nice, given how sore your muscles were following your activities the previous night.

Your mind was sorting through the fact that you were to be chipped. It wasn’t something you would have normally wished to occur, however you had no desire to carry the man’s child. It would have been one thing if you knew you could escape while pregnant; at that point, you could have dealt with it by allowing yourself to be calm with the knowledge that it would be General Organa’s grandchild you were carrying. As it was, all you would be able to focus on would be that it was this creature’s spawn.

When you were younger, you had always imagined having a family. Perhaps it had much to do with watching your parents together. Playing with a doll your father had bought for you. After joining the Resistance, however, you had decided to put any such plans on hold. You hadn’t even thought about being in any sort of romantic relationship in well over two years. Not that it was romance between you and the man with whom you were showering. The relationship—if that it could be called—was strained. Purely physical, with the underlying fact that you wished him dead. You dropped your gaze to your hands, to the two names he had tattooed on your flesh.

You sighed, grabbed the shampoo, and proceeded to wash your hair. Kylo Ren stepped around you in order to wet his hair as well. You shifted back, your fingers massaging the lather through your locks. As you did this, you allowed yourself time to gaze at the muscles of his back, of his arms. You would not be able to overpower him if it came to a purely physical fight. True, you were patient as he had stated, yet that patience was being tried. He had trained your body to respond to his by taking care in arousing you prior to having his way with you. Your mind, on the other hand, was your own—unless he used the Force to mind-trick you. You knew that his success in these feats were in part due to his power, but also due to your weakened state. You were emotionally vulnerable, desperate, oftentimes not thinking perfectly clear.

Lifting your gaze to his hair, your fingers paused. You blinked, recalling a picture you had seen of his mother when she was younger. His hair was perhaps a little darker than hers had been, yet there was a similarity in its waves. You could not help but wonder of the pain General Organa was in, knowing that her son had been seduced by the Dark side. That he was fighting against her. Some would say that it was due to him being the grandson of Darth Vader. You doubted that to be the case entirely. Had he been following in the footsteps of his grandfather, why would he admit to being tempted by the light? Perhaps there was much you were ignorant of when it came to the fallen lord.

This did not, naturally, lessen your desire to kill him. He was responsible for his own actions; he had chosen to commit them. It did, however, renew your sense of pity. For both his mother and the man himself. You knew of Han Solo, but had never personally met the man. Thus your sense of pity for him was a minute thought that lasted for the briefest of seconds.

You stepped forward, and Kylo Ren moved aside so that you could rinse the shampoo from your hair. Keeping your eyes closed lest the lather irritate them, you pictured the last base on which you had trained. The weather had been pleasant there, nothing as it was on Starkiller. You had never celebrated your kills, though you had enjoyed your victories. That you had to kill anyone, really, upset you—war was not a pleasant thing, however you were willing to fight for what was right. It was not like with the First Order, who killed entire villages at a whim.

“The first time I saw you on the battlefield…” You paused midway through speaking. Kylo Ren said nothing, which caused you to glance his way. He was watching you with mild curiosity. “I didn’t think you were human.” You took a step back to allow him access to the water. He finished washing his hair while you continued to speak. “Ip”—it was the nickname one of your older comrades had told you to refer to him by—“kept insisting that you were. I didn’t believe him. I didn’t want to believe him.”

The first time you had seen him on the battlefield, the sounds of gunfire had been echoing in your ears. Some of the blasters the stormtroopers were carrying were set to stun, though most were set to kill. You watched as both sides lost men. People dropped like flies. You had been watching this through the scope of your rifle, your mouth open in horror. Ip gestured towards the black figure. The red plasma blade of the lightsaber cut through another of the Resistance members then batted away a shot that had been directed his way. Your eyebrows rose in surprise. This creature, you had thought, was skilled.

“That’s Kylo Ren,” Ip told you, preparing his own weapon. Your eyes darted to him. It had been on your previous mission that you had had to shoot your comrade, to put him out of his misery after his weapon had backfired. Ip paused, no doubt sensing where your thoughts had traveled. “Don’t shoot. Leave it to me—if I get a clear shot at him, I’ll take it. Your nerves will get the better of you, and you’ll give us away.”

You knew better than to argue. Ip was not insulting you, nor questioning your skill. He nodded in the direction of the black figure again. You watched the creature’s ability to deflect another two blasts. Kylo Ren twirled his lightsaber around in a circle before swinging it in an arc above his head, bringing it down through the body of another of your allies. You grit your teeth.

“What species is it?” you asked, your expression tinged with disgust.

Ip scoffed, huffing and shaking his head. “Human, Meep.” Meep. He referred to you as that given that during your first meeting, you had stubbed your toe on a piece of equipment and had released such a noise. “Hard to believe, but that is a human.”

“No,” you said simply, shaking your head. “No, that’s not… You’re joking.”

“Not joking, Meep,” Ip insisted. You could not stop shaking your head. The black figure was graceful, a fact you could not deny despite him being on the opposing side. “Kylo Ren is human.” He readied his weapon, his finger over the trigger.

He never fired that day. The two of you simply watched helplessly as the creature—human—known as Kylo Ren killed more than eight of your comrades. That was also the first time you saw their bodies gathered, taken away. Never knowing that he was adding to his ash collection.

“I was finally going to fire… How did you find me?”

“When you ducked to avoid that explosion, light reflected off your weapon. A happy mistake—the stormtroopers had overshot their target.” He turned to face you. “Had I realized then which Resistance member you were, I would have ensured your death.” Kylo Ren took a step towards you, and you stepped back in retreat. Your back hit the wall of the shower, which allowed him to corner you. His face was mere inches from yours. “Not immediately, tooke. You would have been taken for questioning. The officers of the First Order would likely have failed to break you if that were the case. You were destined to be my prisoner.”

“Don’t flatter yourself,” you said with a false bravado. “As you stated, you got lucky.”

Kylo Ren’s lips twitched, a wry grin forming. “You think your shot would have hit me?” You dropped your gaze. “Finish washing.” This indicated he was growing tired of showering. He refused to allow you to leave before him, however. That would give you the chance to find something to attempt to electrocute him with; this he knew from your wandering gaze every time you entered the refresher with him.

The two of you dried prior to reentering the bedroom. You stood in the middle of the room with his bed sheets once more wrapped around your body. The physician had returned and was readying the device, as well as sterilizing the area he planned on inserting it. You winced and released a cry of pain as the physician completed the task. A swear left your lips, and you turned, running your fingers near the area, which was sensitive.

“I have spoken with the kitchen regarding what nutrients she is lacking, Lord Ren,” the physician said as the man he was addressing finished dressing. Kylo Ren twisted his wrists, rolling them so that the gloves he wore were adjusted to better fit him. “Along with the pills, her levels should return to what is desired.” He cleared his throat, visibly nervous before speaking the next portion. “It would be best if she did not… For approximately twenty-four hours, at which point the chip should be working to its full capacity, she should not engage in—“

“I see,” Kylo Ren said, looking at the other man. “That is well.” The physician nodded, seemingly relieved that he had in no way angered the man. You wondered what sort of temper Kylo Ren had. Sure, he had reacted violently when you had attempted to kill him, however that was to be expected. The physician exited Kylo Ren’s quarters, and a mere six minutes later breakfast was brought to the room.

Given what had occurred the previous night, you did not take a single bite until Kylo Ren had done so first. While the dishes were cleared by a droid, Kylo Ren put on his helmet and left. You sat there on the bed, the taste of breakfast still on your tongue. You were thankful that he had not sent you back to the cell. He had, after all, only promised you that last night he would not. You stood from the bed and walked over to the helmet of Darth Vader. It looked as though it had been burned, the metal warped and in a great state of ruin. You lifted a hand, your fingers hovering near the object though you did not quite touch it.

You had never touched it, not yet. Thus, when the tips of your fingers made contact, you jumped at the feel of it underneath your flesh. You released a shaky breath, a tingling sensation traveling along the back of your neck. You felt as though you were dreaming. Not necessarily a nightmare. Alone in a room with the helmet of one of the most feared individuals of the galaxy. The metal was cool to the touch.

This was the mask of the man who had sired General Organa. When this fact had been discovered, many in the New Republic had acted in almost an outrage. They questioned her credibility. The sins of the father, you noted mentally. You swallowed thickly and lifted the old relic, cradling it in your arms and carrying it back to the bed. You curled up on the mattress, the helmet of Darth Vader resting against your stomach with your hand set atop it. Your other arm was curled under your head.

You jumped at the sound of the door opening an indeterminate amount of time later. You looked over your shoulder at the man, who was stomping inside. His hands were in fists at his side. He paused for half a beat, the visor of his helmet pointed at the now empty table on which the relic normally sat. Kylo Ren strode over to it, his entire body screaming will kill you to anyone who dared breathe wrong. There was something dangerous about him, and you remained perfectly silent in the hopes that he would not remember you were present. Kylo Ren turned sharply with his torso alone, his fists tightening as he stared at you.

“I…” You choked on your words, flinching and subconsciously tugging the helmet of Vader closer to your body. He turned now with his feet as well, walking to you. His steps were less angry, however no less predatory. You curled up all the more, your legs and hand clutching the object of the man’s grandfather.

“You wanted something to hold onto,” he stated, his modulated voice deeper than his real voice, the voice you were more accustomed to hearing. His helmet turned as he appeared to trail his gaze from your head to your feet. Kylo Ren looked once more to the helmet you were clasping. “Tooke.” You knew well why he called you that name, had known since the first time he had uttered it. “She was from there as well. And he was, too.” You knew the he that Kylo Ren spoke of referred to Emperor Palpatine. He had been from Naboo, your birth planet. But the she—that had you furrowing your brow. It took you nearly a minute to remember his maternal grandmother. “It was sentiment that was the downfall of the Empire. Sentiment that led to her death.”

“I…may be sentimental for wanting to hold onto something,” you said softly, “but… You have this.”

“A reminder.” He reached forward, and you thought for a moment his intention was to pluck the helmet out from your grasp. Instead, Kylo Ren set three of his gloved fingers to your wrist. “You feared to touch yourself, tooke, and I saw why that was.” The muscle in your arm spasmed, causing the limb to twitch under his touch. “There was no real reason to fear it. Merely words, admonitions against doing so.” He chuckled. “Ironically, I think those who spoke such words, some of them did so. They made you too embarrassed to become comfortable with your own body. Lied to you. Something so…simple.”

Kylo Ren trailed his fingers down so that he was able to grab hold of the helmet you were clutching. It was with great reluctance that you relinquished your grip on it. He pulled the object of his grandfather out of your hands, turned, and returned it to its proper place.

“That doesn’t mean they didn’t love me,” you whispered, regarding his former statements.

The man stood with his back to you. You could see that he was staring at the helmet. “That won’t ever negate their lies, will it?” You did not reply to this, not knowing what to say. It would not change the lies, their opposing views, their refusal to accept an urge you had always understood to be, deep down, natural. It was such a simple thing, this was true.

“I don’t think she lied about it to hurt you,” you said, your eyes shifting from the man’s back to the helmet he was also looking at. “I… I get that it doesn’t make it…right, but… I don’t understand how you can… How can you kill so…easily? It’s not simple.” He sighed, once more walking to the edge of the bed. Kylo Ren reached towards you again, this time slipping his hand into yours. He did not close his fingers around you, simply allowed his limb to remain there. Your fingers twitched before you reluctantly grasped at the leather-clad hand.

Kylo Ren pulled you to your feet, drawing you off the bed and onto the ground in front of him. “It isn’t always easy to do the right thing,” he stated.

“But you aren’t…” You trailed off, realizing that, really, it came down to perspective. Which frustrated you immeasurably. “I don’t agree with the First Order. I never will. What you’re offering is tyranny. The Empire tried that, and—“

“And the Republic tried, and failed, as well. Your arguments are invalidated by their very nature. The things you state in opposition to the First Order, the New Republic is plenty guilty of as well.”

“Not everything,” you insisted.

“You know so little.”

You scoffed. “Whatever you know is no less secondhand information than what I’ve been given.”

“I will concede that point, tooke,” Kylo Ren said, silencing you. “Still… You cannot deny that the New Republic is flawed. Why would you require a Resistance if it was not?” Again, you had no argument.

“I will never agree with your methods.” You looked at your hand, still held in his—still holding his. “I see no honor in them. Ruling with fear… I hate the position you have me in. This is not living. I’m simply slowly dying each day. You’re merciless.”

“And you—I should assume you would show your enemy mercy?” The taunting tone he took on was only amplified by the vocoder through which he was speaking.

“I wouldn’t deny my enemy their dignity,” you said in return.

Kylo Ren tilted his head to the side. “Perhaps you are more honorable than your comrades. But I do not think you would be so weak.” You flinched. It was true that, if given the chance, some of the Resistance members would employ cruel tactics with which to interrogate a First Order officer. War, you reminded yourself yet again, was ugly. “I have offered you mercy, tooke. You deny it so often. You reject my offer to be treated as a guest. Insist you are a prisoner, act unruly so that I have no choice but to treat you as such. These are your actions, tooke. Your decisions. You cannot blame your enemy for things you choose to do. I am no mere scapegoat.”

“I won’t…let you defeat me with some mockery of kindness and civility,” you said, your voice cracking. You could not deny that he was wearing you down emotionally. Isolating you as he had, you had developed something with him. A connection that was neither pleasant nor unpleasant. It was simply there, a mixture of both comfort and discomfort. Your grip on his hand tightened. You had to hold onto something, anything, to remind yourself that this was all real. “I won’t betray my comrades to you—any of them. Anything I can keep from you… I won’t…”

“You wish my parentage was different,” he stated, chuckling in dry amusement. “Oh, tooke.” You placed your free hand over your mouth to muffle a sob. It did bother you that this was the son of your general. It always would. Though you could compartmentalize when it came down to it, though you were still willing to kill him, you knew the pain that would be inflicted on the woman you had sworn to follow. It was not just the cause you supported. General Organa herself had inspired you. The Huttslayer, a strong woman. This was a reason you had decided to put off having a family when you joined the Resistance; fearing that your loved ones, a husband or a child, would be killed… It was the ultimate weakness; that much, Kylo Ren had never lied about. Sentiment was a weakness. You knew more though; you knew it was a double-edged sword. A weakness, yes; but also a strength.

He brushed back some of the hair from your face, his knuckles grazing your forehead. Then he set his palm to the side of your head. You realized too late what he was doing; he was already worming his way inside your head, digging through the line that connected sentiment with the first time you become emotionally attached to the Resistance cause. You tried to throw up walls, which were thrust aside by tendrils of pain he sent your way. You screamed, trying to wrench your hand out of his, which clamped down more tightly. You used your other limb, however, to grab at his wrist. You were screaming loudly, your throat feeling as though it was being ripped.

“They would use similar bases for training, tooke. The Resistance is always moving but—I see it, tooke,” he said, brushing his thumb along the back of your hand as he clasped onto the various planets and terrains on which you trained. The two sister cells would have likely used those places as well, you knew. All he had to do now was have the First Order look through logs to see which ships had been there, anything of suspicion further investigated. He removed his hand from your head, breaking away from your mind.

You thrust yourself at him, head-butting him in the chest. He hardly grunted, however you immediately developed something of a headache. You had nearly forgotten that the clothing he wore was armor. At the same time, you did not let this distract you for long. Your hand still captive in his, your movements were limited. You brought your knee up between his legs, aiming for what you knew to be a very sensitive spot. Kylo Ren simply swiped a foot against the leg that was still on the ground. This caused you to lose your footing. You slipped, and he released your hand so that you fell to the floor, your head hitting the hard surface so that you saw spots of red and black. You instantly stilled, bile rising in your throat.

Kylo Ren stepped over you, and you listened to the echoes of his footfalls as he exited his quarters again. He had gotten what he had come back for. And you… You reached behind your head, wincing and then drawing your hand back to your face. Blood stained your fingertips.

Feeling another sob wrack your frame, you slowly rolled onto your hands and knees. You crawled to the wardrobe, dressed yourself in the warmer clothes that were intended for when you were locked away in your cell, and then crawled to the door. You placed your palms to the wall. It took you quite some time to work your way into a standing position. You were dizzy, nausea coming at you in waves. You reached for the button, pressing and holding it down until the doors opened.

As you had expected, there were Stormtroopers down the hallways, however they all were facing away from you. You rounded the corner of Kylo Ren’s door, using your hand as a guide against the wall, and shuffled down a corridor down which you saw no troopers. The base was carved into the planet’s surface. Stone mixed with metal. You recognized some of these features from all the times you had been led to your cell. This was a different path, though. Unfamiliar ground, which caused you to be ever-more cautious.

Perhaps due to the fact that you were anemic, the blow to your head had more of an impact than you had thought. You could see a door to the outside when you pitched forward, vomiting on the ground. You collapsed onto your hands and knees. The liquid of the vomit trailed to your hands, coating your gloves. You could feel the warmth through the material, yet hardly had time to dwell on the disgust that bubbled in you before you were throwing up again.

The noises of you getting sick alerted one of the ‘troopers making his rounds to your presence. He swore, and you could hear him talking into his headset. Calling for a medic, stating something about ‘Lord Ren’s prisoner’. From his position behind you, he could see the wound to your head, and he commented on the blood. You heard the response, that a physician had already been on his way to Kylo Ren’s quarters. You wrinkled your nose at the knowledge that your captor had to have been the one to send for the physician after he had caused you to hit your head.

You knew the moment Kylo Ren had drawn close to your location. You could hear his footsteps, which sounded much like they had when he had noticed the missing helmet. You seized the blaster from the Stormtrooper who was at your side. He had not expected the action, nor that you would slam the butt of the weapon into the face of his helmet. You turned, clicked the weapon to kill and fired the moment Kylo Ren stepped into view. He held up a hand, the blast stopping mere inches from his face. You fired off a second shot before the Force took grip of you. This shot was deflected by his lightsaber, which he had grabbed at the sound of the first and activated.

Your vision alternated between blurring and doubling. Kylo Ren stepped around the blast that was suspended in the air. You narrowed your eyes at him. The plasma blade of his saber hummed with power. The red glow of it highlighted the area around the two of you. The stormtrooper, who had started to stand after regaining his full senses, kept in a low crouch. His stance showed he was ready to listen to anything Kylo Ren said to him, showed that he feared death for his failure.

The darkly clad man snatched the blaster from you and shoved it back into the arms of the ‘trooper, whom he dismissed. As the Stormtrooper scrambled away, Kylo Ren kept his mask pointed your way. “You have learned nothing, tooke.” You continued to glare at him. His hand found yours, and your glare faltered into a look of horror when he isolated your three fingers away from your thumb and pinky. “This will hurt,” he promised. You were handed control of your body just as he applied pressure to your digits. You screamed in agony as he broke the bones in your fingers. The pain, coupled with your previous injury, caused you to pass out.

You imagined he must have leaned down and scooped you up, for you woke up cradled in his arms right as the door to his quarters was opening. The physician was waiting for you, all necessary materials set on two trays beside the bed. “If you could hold her still…” Kylo Ren moved onto the bed, situating you between his outstretched legs. You, still very dizzy, set down your hand to steady yourself. Only to scream and cry out in pain as you put pressure onto your three broken digits. Having no doubt noticed your newest injuries, the physician picked up his commlink and called for items with which to stabilize your fingers. He then started to move aside your hair in order to get a better look at your head wound. “Humm… It doesn’t appear to need stitches.” You winced and hissed as he pressed around the wound, testing the flesh. “She was vomiting, I hear?”

“Yes,” Kylo Ren said, cupping your wrist so that you did not again place weight onto your broken bones.

“Look my way,” the physician said, clicking on a light, which he shined into your eyes. “Definitely a concussion. She should be kept under observation.” A second physician entered with the materials for your fingers. “I would… Lord Ren, I think it best if… If either she is transferred to the medical ward, or else either myself or another physician remain here during the observations.”

“You may remain here,” Kylo Ren said, as though it were not an issue. You flinched, crying while your fingers were tended to. The physician used a small machine, which took the X-rays. Minor breaks, he declared. Nothing that required surgery. Your fingers were bound so that you could not move them. Not that you wanted to.

“No NSAID medications for the time being…” He glanced to your fingers. “We’ll be sure to ice those to keep the swelling down.” As he spoke, the physician withdrew what appeared to be acetaminophen, which he passed to Kylo Ren along with a drink that had a straw. The pills were placed in your mouth, followed by the straw. You swallowed, feeling a fresh wave of nausea that caused you to gag. You managed, however, to keep the pills down.

You were stripped out of some of the layers of your clothing, which were set on the ground where your gloves had previously been discarded, and then tucked into bed. You laid on your side so that you did not sleep on your wound, which had been cleaned by the physician. Kylo Ren was seated behind you. You felt his eyes traveling along you, and you wanted to tell him to go fuck himself. Yet your throbbing fingers kept you silent, save for your continued sobs and whimpers.

Instead of leaving you again, you heard Kylo Ren’s voice as he spoke over the commlink to a person by the name of Captain Phasma. He gave the list of the planets he had taken from your head. You felt fresh tears spilling out of your eyes. He set aside the communications device, and remained with you. When at last you could stay silent no longer, you said:

“Go away, creature.”

You felt him stiffen. Could hear what was almost a sharp intake of breath before the mattress rocked as he rose to his feet. He stormed out of the room. Before the door closed, you heard the lightsaber activating. Once it had closed, new noises rang into your ear. The sounds of him slicing through the walls across the hall. You felt cold, shivering and squeezing your eyes closed. He had been so calm when he had hurt you. Even when he had retaliated against you when you had tried to pour ashes down his throat, he had never sounded so out of control, so enveloped in his anger as he did right then. Shouts of frustration, distorted by his mask and hardly drowned out by the acts of destruction he was committing.

You had never realized you could be so afraid of someone before.

[Listen to your mother, sweet child, The night will fade into the day; Listen to your father, dear one, All the nightmares chased away.]

[watchmegetobsessed]

The Long Way Home // Shawn Mendes - part 5

it’s been a long time since i last updated this series and i feel bad for abandoning it, but i really want to finish this one and i hope many of you will join into the story!

Summary: Shawn takes some time off during the summer, hiding away in a beach house at the hamptons to try to get over his creative crisis and all that happened in his life lately. He meets his at first sassy neighbor, Sloan Westbury, a former Disney star, who abruptly left her scandalous life behind a year ago. Hidden from the world they form a surprising bond, but Sloan has been running away from everything that’s Shawn’s life while Shawn finds in her what he has been looking for. Inspiration.

Part 1 - Part 2 - Part 3  - Part 4

drabble list masterlist

I start to find my way around Sloan, figure out how to approach her, get her to talk and share her thoughts when we talk. I can see how she is holding herself up, probably because she is used to have all her comments get criticized by the media, something I’ve struggled with for a long time. She was basically torn apart before her disappearance, everything she said or did ended up on the tabloids, twisted into something fully different than what they were, but I want her to know that I’m not like them.

I want her to know that not everyone is cruel and that she can be honest with me.

Morning jogs and evening talks at sunset become our things. She is usually sitting on her deck by the time I set my feet out my house and I can’t push my smile down when I see her in the morning light. I manage to make her sing a few more times, but she is still shy about music.

One night, when she has her brother over I sit in front of my computer and search her up. A bunch of old performances and interviews pop up and I start checking them out one by one.

Young Sloan is so much different than the one I know now and it’s not just the aging. I can see how struggling it was for her to be someone she wasn’t. The clothes, the hair, the dancing and the songs, they now seem so far from her personality I wonder how she could survive for that long putting up with all of that.

The songs are the worst to be honest. They are so cheesy and over the top, clearly made to be played on repeat on the radio but not have any real meaning behind them. I’m pretty sure she had nothing to do with them.

But then I find a YouTube channel that was probably very unofficial and not made to bring her fame. There are a couple of covers and original songs, just her with a guitar in her hands in different settings, probably at her LA home and I can finally see her. That’s exactly what I see when I meet her in the morning, just in a more tired and shy version, but it’s still her. Her original songs are the best, but they sound like they lack something, but she was just probably too young. I’m sure she would be so much better at writing if she tried right now. Especially after everything she has been through.

I feel like a creep, sitting by the window in my living room that looks over at her place, waiting for her brother to leave so I can go over again. It’s around nine when the door finally opens and I see her walking out with a tall guy, his hair is the same color as Sloan’s. They exchange a few words at his car before he hugs her and sitting into his car drives away. I force myself to wait at least ten minutes before marching over to her deck and I’m surprised when the back door opens before I could even reach it.

“Oh, Shawn!” she chuckles nervously jumping a bit.

“I’m sorry, I just saw your brother leaving and I thought that… I mean—“ Suddenly, I don’t even know what I thought. I usually have an excuse to come over, but this time I just came to see her.

“I was just about to go and ask if you’d want to take a walk maybe? I’m sorry we couldn’t watch the sunset, Rob always outstays his welcome,” she shakes her head smiling.

“Sure! Sounds great!” I nod and we head down to the coast. “How old is your brother?”

“He is twenty-six,” she tells me, eyes fixed on her feet as they bury into the sand with each step.

“Does he come often?”

“Um, he tries to, but he just got engaged, they are house hunting and stuff, so he has a lot going on.”

“Oh, so he is deep in the wedding planning?” I smile at her, but she doesn’t seem to be too happy about the topic. “What? Do you not like the girl?”

“No, Lara is awesome, she is very sweet.”

“But…?”

“But their wedding is going to be this big thing, a lot of guests, some famous ones too because Rob is a music producer so he knows some people and I don’t know if I can make it through.”

She seems terrified and I feel bad for her. It’s obviously a big day for the family and she wants to be there for her brother, but the people must be a lot for her after her separation from the world.

I want to help her, but I’m not sure if she wants to reconnect with the world, however I know she can’t stay like this, alone, forever.

“Hey, I have a thing this weekend in New York. Just a short trip. Do you want to maybe come with me? You know, to come back to reality for a while.”

“I don’t think that would be a good idea,” she shakes her head hugging her body with her arms.

“And if I promise you won’t be seen or photographed? I have a great team, we can make it work!”

“Shawn,” she sighs and I wouldn’t push if I didn’t see it in her eyes that she do wants to change, just doesn’t know how.

“You know what? Don’t decide just now. You have a few days, think about it and we’ll get back to it. But I promise you I’d make sure that you feel comfortable.”

She doesn’t reply, just nods with her lips pressed together into a thin line before we wander over to another topic. But I truly wish she’ll consider the offer and I can show her that she doesn’t have to stay here alone forever.

  SLOAN

Rob’s visit frustrates me on so many levels. He brings the wedding up again, giving me a great amount of anxiety and I know he doesn’t mean to make me feel this way, but I just can’t help it. I’m happy that he came though, I got so occupied with Shawn lately that I forgot other people exist.

Shawn’s offer to go to New York with him threw me off the edge. It would be nice to finally get out of the Hamptons because as calm and quiet it is here I can sometimes get bored of it. I want to see the places I loved before, but I don’t know if I’m ready to be seen out, especially not with Shawn. I’m afraid we would get mobbed and I would lose it again and that’s the last thing I need right now, but the thought of traveling with Shawn is tempting.

I grew a liking to the guy. A strong liking. He seems to always know just perfectly what to say and how to act around me which is alone a very hard task, not many can do it. But him, he just nails it.

The next day we are laying out in the sand, soaking some vitamin-D in, he has a small notebook with him, scribbling lyrics into it with a worried grimace on his face. Pushing myself up I check the page out and I see crossed out lines, overwritten words and frantic notes on the side.

“It’s like my thoughts can’t get out of my head. I swear I have it here, but…” he places a hand to his forehead and I read the lines he kept so far.

“I think these lines are too crowded,” I say without even thinking that he might not even be interested in my opinion. “I mean if you want it to match the melody, you need less.”

“Mm go on. How do you hear it?”

“Well…” Grabbing his pen I start writing above his lines, my neat handwriting in total contrast with his messy words. “This one can come here and… maybe this one can be a whole new line. Like this.”

“And what about the melody? How would you put them together?”

I start humming and mumbling the lines, trying to find the way I imagined it until I finally hit it and Shawn bops his head. When I get to the end I just lie back closing my eyes, but the quickly pop open when he speaks up.

“Sloan, I hope you do realize you just heard the song without me ever showing you the melody to it.”

I think about his words and realize he is right. I just heard the song reading his lines without even knowing what it would be. It just rang in my mind and I sang it without even thinking about it.

“Oh,” is all I can say.

“I want to record it,” he smiles down at me and I just nod.

“You can use my version, if you’re asking for permission.”

“No, I want to record it with you. I need your voice on it.”

“Absolutely not,” I shake my head closing my eyes, determined to just go back to doing nothing out here.

“Why?”

“I haven’t recorded anything in months.”

“So what? It’s just for us, no one will hear it if you don’t want to show it to anyone, I promise.”

He is looking at me with those damn puppy eyes and I can’t process how a grown man like him can look so soft begging.

Long story short… an hour later we are squeezed into his studio room recording the song. It feels strange at first, I’m very anxious every time Shawn starts the recording and I keep messing it up, afraid of what he might be thinking about my voice, the way I changed his lines up and the melody.

“Look,” he stops the guitar looking at me with a warm smile. “Why are you nervous?”

“I’m not used to this, Shawn. Even before my disappearance I haven’t recorded anything for two months. I'm rusty, I keep fucking it up and I just… I don’t know. I’m nervous because you’re here.”

“First of all, you’re definitely not rusty. Second, everyone messes up. I once had to retake a song ninety-eight times, so don’t be nervous about recording especially because this is just for fun.”

I nod silently, looking down at my hands on my lap.

“And if you feel nervous because I’m here, I can leave,” he adds with a light chuckle, making me smile.

“No, don’t leave,” I say shyly. I can’t make him leave his own studio room. “I just…”

“You know what? I’m gonna just turn away so at least you can’t see my face,” he grins setting everything up for a new recording.

Putting the headphones back up I take a deep breath. When the guitar melody Shawn recorded earlier starts flowing into my ears he simply turns around in his seat, showing me the back of his head and I start singing.

I finally nail it. The notes are on point, I don’t mess up the lines and I don’t miss the rhythm. When the guitar ends Shawn turns around and his face is unreadable.

“That was… one of the best things I’ve ever heard.”

I can’t help but blush. Standing up he steps to me and stops right in front of me, my nose only a few inches away from his chest. His hands reach for the headphone and he slowly pulls it off my head, staring into my eyes.

“You have so much in you, Sloan. I hope to see all of it one day,” he quietly says and I stop breathing for a moment.

My body reacts out of instinct to his closeness, heart beating so fast in my chest I can hear the thuds clearly and I wonder if he can hear it too. His tongue runs through his lips and I think about how it would feel to have them on me.

I swear to God he starts leaning down when his phone starts buzzing and we scare away from each other.

“I’m sorry, I have to take this, it’s my sister,” he sighs grabbing it from the table and walking out of the studio room leaving me totally startled.

Did I just almost kiss Shawn Mendes?

 SHAWN

I have never wanted to be an only child before in my life. Aaliyah’s timing couldn’t be worse but on the other hand maybe it was a sign from the gods that I was being greedy.

I don’t know what has gotten into me, hearing her sing the song we kind of wrote together so perfectly just hit me hard. She sang to my heart and suddenly I felt like I needed to savor her. And the best part? She didn’t try to push me away, if that damn phone didn’t start ringing she would have let me kiss her.

After the phone call it’s not the same, she seems a bit distant, but not entirely, it’s just that the mood is gone.

I start to worry that I ruined everything between us when she says she doesn’t want to come on our usual run in the morning, but she appears on my deck when the Sun starts to go down and I almost hug her, but manage to contain myself.

“One thing I would miss if I left this place is the sunset. It’s not this pretty everywhere,” she tells me as we sit on the stairs, legs touching since there’s not much space, but I don’t mind it. I like feeling her physical presence.

“I think it’s pretty everywhere, just different.”

“Where was your favorite?” she asks turning to me with a small smile.

“I love the one I see from my place in Toronto,” I say thinking about the breathtaking colors over my favorite city.

We stay silent for a while, my eyes are fixed on the horizon as I watch the waves come and go. She is the first one to speak up again.

“I think I’ll go to New York with you.”

I look at her with wide eyes.

“Wait, are you serious?” A shy smile spreads across her face as she looks down at her feet, shoulders rising to her ears.

“Yeah. I talked to Olivia on the phone this morning and she convinced me that it might be a great idea. But I really don’t want to get photographed just yet.”

Her eyes are practically begging me and I know I have to do everything I can to make this trip as comfortable for her as possible.

“Of course! We’ll make sure it’ll go smooth!” I tell her with a huge grin because I’m so happy she eventually said yes. I wasn’t expecting her to accept my offer, but now I can’t wait to get on the plane and head to New York.

  I’m probably a real pain in the ass for Andrew when I tell him everything that needs to be done for my New York trip. I’m probably a bit too over the top, but I want to make sure Sloan won’t regret saying yes to the weekend.

“Are you sure it’s a good idea to bring her out?” Andrew’s worried voice comes from my iPad, his face too close to the camera while I’m washing the dishes the night before we are leaving.

“Just… leave it to me, alright? I want her to have a nice weekend outside of this place.”

“So you’re not a big fan of the Hamptons after all?”

“That’s not what I said!” I groan. “She’s been here for over six months, I want to get her out and it’s a huge thing she said yes.”

“Shawn, I just don’t understand why you are so obsessed with her suddenly. I thought you wanted to be alone, that’s why you went there. But now you are inseparable with this girl who has the worst reputation in Hollywood.”

“Since when do you believe the tabloids?” I give him a look. “Yeah, she has a few mistakes, but she is trying to get her life back on the track.”

“And you are happy to assist her in that? Did you sleep with her or something?”

“Andrew, you are an asshole,” I say but he just rolls his eyes at me.

“I’m just saying that you have to be careful with her. You also have a reputation to look out for and I don’t want to clear the mess up if she ruins yours.”

“She is not ruining anything,” I sigh, fed up with his skepticism. Why can’t he just let go of this whole Sloan thing?

“Alright, but be careful with her.”

“Whatever,” I mumble totally ignoring him at the end.

I barely sleep that night, my mind constantly bugging myself, making sure I didn’t forget anything. I managed to have three hours of sleep which is bullshit, but I still feel wide awake when my phone goes off at five an.

I grab a few bites as breakfast and closing my bags I head to the backdoor to check on Sloan, but then there’s a knock before I could even reach the door knob.

Sloan’s nervous smile looks a hundred times cuter so early in the morning as her hands grip the handle of her suitcase tightly.

“Ready for New York?” I grin at her and she nods shortly.

“I guess?”

 SLOAN

I think about going back home about a thousand times before the plain touches down in New York. The ride to the airport, the people at the airport, the plain, everything feels like I’m doing it for the first time even though this used to be my life. I keep thinking that people recognized me despite my disguise, I have a huge hoodie on with a beanie and the biggest shades I could find at home. I doubt that anyone even remembers my face and Shawn keeps reminding me that no one knows who I am.

Shawn.

He is like my rock. He doesn’t get mad at me when I take too long in the lounge to gather my stuff, when I start rambling about heights once we are on the plane. Instead he always seems to know what to say to make me feel better and calm me down. The guy really knows how to deal with my problematic ass and he deserves everything for his effort.

And most importantly, he kept his promise. We got to the hotel without a soul knowing about our arrival and for that I’m so grateful.

“So, I have this radio interview this afternoon, but we have some time until that and later I thought we could have dinner somewhere,” he starts when I let him into my room and he walks in like it was his.

“Slow down, cowboy,” I chuckle plopping down to the edge of my bed.

“I just want to make the best out of this trip and I kind of already planned a few things out,” he admits with a nervous chuckle.

He really did put a lot of energy and effort into this trip so I promise to do everything he planned out. I wouldn’t have the heart to say no to him when he is so excited and he kind of got me thrilled too.

Before his interview he takes me shopping. He literally closes off one quarter of a mall so no one can even see who is there and he had a plan for leaving as well, making sure no one catches a glimpse of us. It doesn’t take long for me to let go of my fears, seeing how thoughtful he has been with this trip and I start to trust him fully on taking good care of me.

I don’t go to the interview with him, that would be too risky, so I stay at the hotel and go for a swim in the pool, take a nice shower and lie around, waiting for him to get back.

“How was it?” I curiously ask when he finally arrives.

“Just the usual,” he shrugs, doesn’t really seem like he is willing to talk about it so I drop it. “So, are you ready for dinner?” he asks, his eyes bright and happy.

It’s breathtaking. The restaurant Shawn reserved table at is at the top of a tall building, so you have an amazing view of the city from basically all the tables. And the best part? Just when we get the dessert the Sun starts going down.

“Shawn,” I gasp realizing he timed it perfectly so I could watch the sunset.

“I think a New York sunset is also in the top three,” he shyly comments while I can’t turn my eyes away from the view.

When I turn to look at him something changes in my heart. I don’t see him the same way like before. Shawn Mendes has brought the change into my life, something no one else could do in a long time.

[musicvsms-blog]

This week has been MS awareness week, so I have decided to bite to the bullet, and open up about my experience of living with MS – which, for a number of reasons, is something I have never really spoken about. However, having had some time to reflect while in lockdown, I believe that living with MS for the past 10 years has stood me in good stead for staying positive in more difficult times.

I was originally diagnosed in 2010 after a year of tests. I was 25, had just moved to London in a time of recession, and finally got a dream job working as a concert promoter. Just a few months into the new job, I started suffering from headaches, and then numbness in my arms and legs. I knew something wasn’t right but didn’t want to let it get in the way of my new career. While I waited to be put through the NHS system, I looked at alternative ways of managing the uncomfortable sensations, and would go for acupuncture in my lunch break, which alleviated the symptoms. I think the first time that I felt scared was when I went to see a neuro-physio who knew my Dad. She asked me to close my eyes, and put a set of keys in my hand. She then asked me what it was but I couldn’t tell her. I had lost all fine sensations in my hands.

After numerous appointments at Moorfields, and Queens Square – eye tests, scans and a lumbar puncture – I was told I had Multiple Sclerosis. It was incredibly hard to get my head around as no one in my family had ever had it: so why me? The causes are still unknown. The consultant at the time suggested I started treatment, which would be a daily injection, but I decided that I would try to manage it without. I was young, had caught it early, and didn’t want to be on medication for the rest of my life.

I told a few people at work and my close friends at the time, because they knew I was going for tests, but I kept it pretty quiet. I needed to get my head around it, and, in hindsight, I was probably in shock for a long while. The only thing I knew of MS was that some good friends had lost their mum to the disease when they were teenagers so was worried about how best to tell them. Perhaps I didn’t want to be a burden. I definitely didn't want the disease to define me or get in the way of my dreams, or for people to think I wasn't capable. Something I felt I needed to especially prove, being a (young) woman in a very male dominated industry!

For years I lived symptom free (or maybe I had just become so accustomed to certain strange sensations that I could ignore them) and wondered whether I had been misdiagnosed. I went on to achieve more than I could have ever dreamed of in my career, working with some amazing artists, and seeing them go from playing their first shows in the back room of a pub to selling out arenas. The day after my 30th birthday I had an interview with AEG Live, one of the world’s leading companies in live entertainment, and was offered a job and the title of Vice President of Live Music. Having spent years working all hours for no money, and almost giving up on numerous occasions along the way, I was finally appreciated. I launched Goldenvoice in the UK and promoted tours for artists including Sam Smith, Ellie Goulding, The xx and alt J amongst others. An incredible job but since my diagnosis I always knew it wasn’t sustainable. Fatigue is a common symptom but I would just put being tired down to the late nights and busy lifestyle!

Then, two years ago, I suffered a relapse that could only be as a result of the MS. I couldn’t feel my feet which also affected my concentration at work. It was a particularly busy time, as we had just launched a new festival – All Points East – which I was booking, alongside promoting tours, being out at shows most nights and dealing with personal issues. I went for more scans and was told that they were showing more lesions in my brain and spine than the last scans eight years prior. I didn’t take any time off at the time though; it’s hard to explain that ‘I can’t come to work because I’ve got numb legs!’. Booking a festival had been my ultimate dream and I had booked a lot of my favourite artists to play, so I wanted to see it through, but knew things needed to change after that.

Although I may have been living in denial for all those years, I do believe that the diagnosis spurred me on to achieve more in my career. However, at this point, I felt ready for the first time, to put my career on hold and look after my health. I finally accepted that I was living with a disease and that I needed to take control of it or it would take control of me.

Having worked in the music industry since the age of 18, working my way up from putting on mate’s bands in pubs in Brighton, I left my job not knowing what was going to be next. Some people thought that was a brave decision (maybe stupid) but I am used to taking risks, not knowing what’s next, and going with my gut had gotten me this far. Although I loved parts of the job, I knew I couldn’t keep working at the same pace and my workplace wasn't able to offer me the flexibility I felt I needed at that time. I had been working in a basement office with no windows, and when reminded by the consultant how important it is to take a high dose of Vitamin D, I thought: why not get the real thing, so headed for sunnier climes.

I had never travelled, as I had started working straight from school. I had an A-level in Spanish and always loved the language and culture, but not spent much time in Spain since. I decided to use the time to improve my Spanish, and headed to Barcelona where I had friends, and where the skies are always blue.

I had only recently passed my driving test, and had heard that you need to drive 10,000 miles before you’re a competent driver, so I picked up my car from London and then drove around Spain and Portugal. My oldest friend was working on a retreat in Portugal, so drove to her via Barcelona, Valencia and Andalusia, and then back up to northern Spain. I met my mum in Santiago De Compostela and walked a bit of the Camino – something I’ve always wanted to do and I plan to do the whole thing one day. I caught the ferry back, just in time for All Points East at the end of May, with 9,988 miles on the clock and only a few bumps and scratches!

During my time off, I realised that music is still my passion but I need to do things differently. I am back working for AEG, but on my own terms, working across the festivals. My old boss was hugely supportive and offered to bring me back in as a consultant so I can work from anywhere. I am back in London for now, but try to get away for some sunshine during the winter months. I hope to one day be living in the hills in Spain but for now London is my home, and I am feeling hugely grateful for this amazing weather we’ve had recently. I am back doing Spanish lessons with my teacher from Barcelona which wouldn’t be possible had Zoom not become the ‘new normal’.

I am not currently on treatment, despite being advised to by the consultant. It’s hard to seriously consider taking drugs when you feel perfectly healthy. I am always learning about diet and alternative therapies, and feel lucky enough to have a support network of amazing people, and the funds to do it my own way. Who knows what the future holds, but all I know is what I can do on a daily basis to stay healthy and keep my body and immune system strong for now.

I have learned so much from living with MS. It has taught me how to cope in times of uncertainty, as we all are now, and I feel grateful for that. It’s not easy, and there are challenging days, but all you can do is focus on what is within your control and take each day as it comes. I feel positive that I will get through this and beat MS. We will all get through these difficult times and I believe it will only make us stronger.

#livingwithms #multiplesclerosis #msawarenessweek