#my to do list is so fucking long and im so bad at prioritizing it

[seraphim-soulmate]

Buddy I sweaaaarrrrr I'm gonna take a day off and chill and not tend to my chore list ... soon. I promissseeee bro I swearrrr I'll just take a day for ME.

[itsdannysworld]

Sunkissed (Chapter 6)

Pairing: Jake Kiszka x Reader, Danny Wagner x Reader CW: cursing, a lil hint at smut, mild slutshaming, a lil angst maybe? Summary: you'll find out (aka im bad with summarys) authors note: this is short but is gonna lead up to a huge chapter, sorry for going ghost for a bit lol

enjoy-

You were stressed to say the least, balancing two other peoples emotions and potentially leading one on was freaking you out. So even though it was childish, you decided to make a pros and cons list.

Jake- Pros: nice, pretty, good in bed, makes me feel good about myself Cons: we disagree on a lot, its not gonna be stable

Danny- Pros: sweet, beautiful, great kisser, prioritizes my emotions, stable Cons: uhhhhhh

At the moment you couldn’t think of any cons. You knew from an outsiders perspective this looked like an easy choice, but it was far from it. You knew you had to get your shit together and eventually choose, and deep down you probably knew who it was going to be.

Jake had left an hour ago, and you hadn’t moved from the couch since then. You scheduled your date for tomorrow night, which gave you exactly 29 hours to mentally prepare. You missed Danny, he was always a comforting presence in your life. You went to text him and noticed he had already texted you.

Danny-boy:

hey beautiful, want to come over? i have nothing going on today

Of course you wanted to go over, but you didn’t know if it was a good idea. You decided to ignore any nagging doubts and responded saying you’d love to. You really liked Danny, but didn’t want Jake out of your life and you didn’t know how to make that work.

You pulled up to his house and knocked on the door. His house was big but cozy all at the same time. He quickly answered, pulling you into the house with a longing kiss. It totally caught you off-guard, but you’d be lying if you said you didn’t enjoy it. “Sorry, I just missed you.” He sheepishly said when he pulled away. “Oh no hun, don’t worry about it.” You smiled. His house was decorated with various plants and a huge vinyl collection, and smelled like strawberry incense. “Sooooo, what do you wanna do? I was getting bored by myself. We can go get coffee or do whatever.” You plopped down on his couch just as he said this. “Up to you, I could totally spend the whole day making out with you.” He smiled and joined you on the couch. “Sounds good to me cutie.”

Hours had past and your clothes were spread across the floor of his bedroom. You didn’t expect it to go this far but you were happy it did. Kinda. You felt gross that you had slept with two people within the same 24 hours, but Danny being inside you made you completely forget about that. You sat up from where you laid on top of him, him having finished just a few minutes earlier.

“You’re pretty.” You said making a move to gather your clothes. “Why thank you.” He smiled.

You both looked up as you heard faint knocking downstairs. Danny pulled his pants on and looked out the blinds of his bedroom and went white.

“Who is it?” You asked, panicking at his reaction. “It’s fucking Jake.” You almost ran to the window. “No fucking way.” “Well he knows you’re here.” Danny said, pointing to your car. “Well uh, go answer it I guess. I need to finish getting dressed and fix my makeup.”

He nodded and went downstairs, pulling his shirt up off the floor.

You were panicking, you felt like such a slut and you wanted to run and hide. Being with Danny was magical, but losing Jake would be awful. You’re mind was going a million miles an hour. You knew they both said it was cool if you were with them both temporarily, but your head was still reeling.

“So where is she?”

[darling-im-wonderstruck]

okay now THIS !?!?!? yes why don’t you just rip my heart out and put it back together like it was nothing… (all my thoughts and reactions under the cut :) )

Peter had one rule, let him know you're safe. Always. Even when you’re mad at eachother, even at your most ugly, you’d let him know you’re okay. It was Peter’s one true rule, the other things he liked and he preferred you’d do, but this was his number one thing.

this is so sweet :( like i can just imagine reader updating him throughout the day and peter smiling at all the little updates she sends !!!!!! also whenever they’re angry, reader would still update him but in the most cold and dry way until they both couldn’t handle being like that to each other anymore didnkskfkfld

It’s almost like you knew it’s pissing him off, you’ve never dug this deeply into a wound. You knew it would get under his skin in the right places, it was something that either of you didn’t play with. It was too serious for Peter, and knowing you were most likely safe and just doing this to try and get even with him made him furious. Because he can’t prove it. And because he can’t all he could think about how not okay you might be.

THIS PART. YOU’RE WRITING ?!?!?!?!?!! HELLO ?!?!?!??!!?

Peter’s never once gotten loud with you, he’s never once felt enough rage towards you he could ever buck up enough energy to yell at you. But all he wanted to do was scream about how inconsiderate you were. He understands he may have started it, he even tried to apologize but you must’ve had this in your heart for a minute because you couldn’t wait to bulldoze him. 

holy SHIT this fucking hurts cause you know peter is never the type to be loud in arguments, he’s definitely more of a listener and fixer in arguments. like okay, you don’t like that i do this ? ill fix it. you’re unhappy when i act like this ? ill stop it. and knowing that it would truly need to be Something so incredibly bad for him that he’s loud and feels the need to scream makes my heart break :(

‘I’m always picked last! I understand who you are, Peter, who you share a life with, trust me, if anyone here knows best about understanding, it’s fucking me, but that doesn’t mean I’m always the last priority. I know sometimes I have to be on the backburner, and guess what, Peter? I fucking understand. But, tonight? What stopped you? Because it’s not like there’s a domestic attack on the city, so tell me, what was so fucking important tonight I was shot to the bottom of the list for it?’ 

im okay *proceeds to burst into tears*

‘Don’t, don’t you even dare go there. You know that’s a low blow.’

oh my GOD. reader (or me, basically) looks like this is something that i’ve been holding in for a LONG time given that i know which buttons to push and i know what’ll cause pure rage

Maybe you were right, maybe he just sucked at prioritizing you now. He doesn’t know when he became this way. He just feels so responsible, he got a great gift and it’s only right he shares it. He just hasn’t figured out how to share Peter with you and Spider-Man with the world yet. Both people need him at the same time. 

okay i know i shouldn’t be feeling bad for peter right now but i truly cant help it ???? the emotions this is evoking in me right now are beyond indescribable

“I’m sure she’s really sorry, and she knows whatever she said hit a soft spot. It seems like your job comes with some downsides, and maybe she kept it all bottled up until she couldn’t anymore, because how do you tell a superhero you want their attention more than a city needs protection?” 

oh god no one talk to me im in a vulnerable state and i am a fragile package

“We figure it out. We’ll go home and look at our schedules and work around it, and have a set day where it’s only us. Twice a month we’ll have a standing date, attendance mandatory. The police scanner gets turned off unless it’s a slow night, and from now on, unless it’s a domestic attack, nothing comes before you.” 

oh. oh how i love him. hes so precious and lovely and i Want him so bad !!! like i said, he’s 100% a fixer and listener :(

+ just wanted to add how much adoration i have for this fic and your writing in general !!! it’s amazing to come across such talent and im so glad you’re sharing your work with us who are just absolute Simps ™️ for peter <3

hi babeeee!!! idk if this is how requests work bc i never request fics but i was wondering if u could do something super duper angsty, like really angsty, and then hurt comfort with a fluffy end? it can be anything you want, but like that sort of timeline would be so so so good, if u could and if requests r open,, xoxoxox

it may have taken me 12 years but i did it bestie.

Peter Parker wasn’t the type of boyfriend to have rules. 

You were your own person, and should live as one. However, there were some things he was a bit more passionate about. 

Like: texting him when you get home (and he wasn’t around), calling him if you feel unsafe or nervous, keep him informed of your whereabouts so he could try and track you down if he needed to, and always, always, call him back. 

Peter had one rule, let him know you're safe. Always. Even when you’re mad at eachother, even at your most ugly, you’d let him know you’re okay. It was Peter’s one true rule, the other things he liked and he preferred you’d do, but this was his number one thing. 

And you’re not following it. 

The third time you ignored his call he felt frustration brew so deeply he almost slammed his phone to the ground, it would’ve done nothing to fix anything, and would’ve made a bigger problem, but the satisfaction of watching something break apart into a million pieces would’ve made him feel better. Even if just for a moment. 

It’s almost like you knew it’s pissing him off, you’ve never dug this deeply into a wound. You knew it would get under his skin in the right places, it was something that either of you didn’t play with. It was too serious for Peter, and knowing you were most likely safe and just doing this to try and get even with him made him furious. Because he can’t prove it. And because he can’t all he could think about how not okay you might be. 

Peter hates leaving angry voicemails but he can’t stop himself this time. 

‘This is the fourth fucking call you’ve ignored, I think you proved your point. I know you’re mad at me but this is just childish, you made this night go from a small hiccup to a massive fight because you won’t answer your phone. Just call me back, goddamn it.’ 

Peter’s never once gotten loud with you, he’s never once felt enough rage towards you he could ever buck up enough energy to yell at you. But all he wanted to do was scream about how inconsiderate you were. He understands he may have started it, he even tried to apologize but you must’ve had this in your heart for a minute because you couldn’t wait to bulldoze him. 

‘I’m so sorry, baby. I got caught up in the low-’ 

‘Whatever, I don’t care. I’m going home.’ 

‘Hey, no, no, no! We can still hang out! I haven’t ate-’ 

‘I did. I waited over an hour, Peter. I’m going home.’ 

‘I’m sorry, I really am, baby. I know tonight was important to you.’ 

And that’s when the night switched. 

‘No, Peter, this wasn’t important to me. This was important for us, this was about you trying to prove you still care about us.’ 

‘Woah, hold on, don’t you dare stand there and tell me I don’t care about you or us, that’s unfair and you know it.’ 

‘You know what, Peter? I didn’t sign up to date two guys. I was willing to accept the other because it was a package deal, but I’m tired of being picked last. You know I’ll always be waiting around and it’s so fucking tiresome just waiting around.’ 

‘Bullshit. You knew exactly what you were signing up for, you don’t get to act like this is new news.’ 

‘I’m always picked last! I understand who you are, Peter, who you share a life with, trust me, if anyone here knows best about understanding, it’s fucking me, but that doesn’t mean I’m always the last priority. I know sometimes I have to be on the backburner, and guess what, Peter? I fucking understand. But, tonight? What stopped you? Because it’s not like there’s a domestic attack on the city, so tell me, what was so fucking important tonight I was shot to the bottom of the list for it?’ 

‘Okay, I get it. I know you’re mad, but I think we both need to take a breath and talk about this at home.’ 

‘No! I want you to look at me and tell me what was so important NYPD’s finest couldn’t handle it for an evening.’ 

‘Baby, I really don’t-’ 

‘Fucking tell me! I want you to admit right now it was nothing important. Look me in the eye and admit you didn’t care about my feelings.’ 

‘It was a robbery. I have a responsibility to keep the city safe, a city you very much live in, by the way.’ 

‘Ah, the classic, ‘if you really think about it, I’m doing this for you’ line. Real original.’ 

‘Can we please just go home? If you’re going to be pissed at me anyways I’d rather it be in the comfort of our home.’

‘You can go wherever you want, but I’m not going anywhere with you.’ 

‘I’m gonna get a cab, hold on.’ 

‘No, I’m not going anywhere with you and I mean it.’ 

‘You can hate me at home, let’s go.’ 

‘No! I’m leaving, you can sit around waiting on me for once.’ 

‘Why are you doing this now? You’ve never been this persistent before, I moved in with you and you still don’t think it’s enough. What else do you want from me? I’m giving you all I can, fuck.’ 

‘You know what? I hope someone fucking kidnaps me, maybe then I’d be your first choice.’ 

‘Don’t, don’t you even dare go there. You know that’s a low blow.’

‘I do. I hope I’m fucking tortured with you on the line, too.’ 

Peter tried calling out for you, screamed your name even, but you walked across the street and were swallowed into the crowd. He tugged at his hair a few times before looking around, he wasn’t sure what to do. Get a cab, bus, train? Does he walk in the direction you went? It’s a start. 

Pulling out his phone he tried calling, you sent him to voicemail on the second ring. You’re pissed, that’s fine, he just needs you mad and safe. Peter dodged bodies on his left and right, checking each alleyway for you, assuming you’d stop to collect yourself and call him when you had a breather. 

No sight of you. He doesn’t know where you went from here, it splits two ways. He tries using his boyfriend intuition and attempts to channel you, he’s left hopeless. Like a hail mary he remembers you share locations, Peter’s hands shake when he reaches for the app, your name loading until a small circle appears in his. 

You’re close. He follows the road forward, he knows you took this way and his heart squeezes. You deliberately took the sketchy route, the one you told Peter you wouldn’t dare walk without him. It looks like he’s getting closer, but it’s impossible to tell when he has to wait for it to constantly reload. 

Peter swears he can see your jacket ahead, he calls your phone, picking up the pace and trying his best to catch up. You blocked his call again, but he saw you do it.

He knows you heard your name get called, because you started to walk faster, it’s useless, Peter’s quicker. The only option you had was to hide in the crowd, squeezing yourself in the middle and out through the front. Sighing heavy at your escape, and a bit unamused by the childish behavior. Peter looked down at his phone refreshing your name ‘find friends.’ 

His face crumbled into a thousand pieces when the notification appeared, ‘- stopped sharing their location with you.’ His response was to call you, this time you let it ring out, and he left a nasty voicemail. It was like he snapped, he pulled at his curls and exhaled a loud ‘fuck!’ before gripping his phone so tight he thought it’d snap, and that's why he put it away. 

If you wanted to play dirty so could he, you’re hard to find from the street but when he’s swinging from building to building you’d be out of luck. He was tired and hungry, he wanted this to be over. Fight about it like grown adults, at home, while he’s making a grilled cheese or something. 

Peter ran down a back alleyway, ripping his clothes from his body and pulling his mask from his pocket. The suit came in handy tonight after all. Taking a sharp inhale, he took a leap, screaming out when he took flight. 

‘Not you, not you, not you, not…. You? No, not you.’ 

‘Where the fuck did you go?’ 

You were nowhere to be found, still no answer on his calls or texts. He knows it’s irrational, but he’s terrified you’ve jinxed yourself and really are in trouble. He’s taken the route on a spin three times and he still hasn’t seen you, there’s three options, you either went into a gay nightclub, were kidnapped, or somehow snuck your way across the road and into… central park. 

Of course you did, Peter should’ve known that. He told you one time it was a weak vantage point, he couldn’t see through the treelines all that well, and didn’t have much to swing from. At least he has a general idea of where you are, he just has to do it on foot. 

Maybe you were right, maybe he just sucked at prioritizing you now. He doesn’t know when he became this way. He just feels so responsible, he got a great gift and it’s only right he shares it. He just hasn’t figured out how to share Peter with you and Spider-Man with the world yet. Both people need him at the same time. 

At last, sitting on the edge of the fountain, is the love of his life. Just looking terribly sad, he hates to know he caused it. He may have started the fight, but you said some terrible things, things that were only said to jab at the most vulnerable spots. 

Taking a seat next to you he sighs, his entire body deflating in one breath. You mimic the sigh. 

“Rough night?” 

You hum, “my boyfriend and I got in a fight. Maybe we still are, I don’t know. What about you?” 

Peter stretches his legs, red feet scrape the brick. “My girlfriend went nuclear, kinda deserved. But, she also really hurt my feelings.” 

“Did you hurt her feelings too?” 

“Does that make it deserved?” 

Silence. It didn’t. 

Peter watches you twiddle your thumbs, chewing on your bottom lip and sniffing. 

“I’m sure she’s really sorry, and she knows whatever she said hit a soft spot. It seems like your job comes with some downsides, and maybe she kept it all bottled up until she couldn’t anymore, because how do you tell a superhero you want their attention more than a city needs protection?” 

He knows what you mean, he knows how selfish it could sound, but it’s not. You’re allowed to want him around every second, because he does too. 

“You don’t.” 

Peter can feel your eyes, “you don’t tell the superhero, you tell your boyfriend.” 

Your throat clears, “what if he’s both? What if he’s already spread too thin and his whining girlfriend is his last straw?” 

“No. He’s not spread too thin. He was unaware of how you felt, he didn’t know how much it bothered you. He didn’t know how far he pushed you away.” 

“So what changes now he knows?” 

Peter breaks character, this is about real solutions. 

“We figure it out. We’ll go home and look at our schedules and work around it, and have a set day where it’s only us. Twice a month we’ll have a standing date, attendance mandatory. The police scanner gets turned off unless it’s a slow night, and from now on, unless it’s a domestic attack, nothing comes before you.” 

[sunarinluvr]

|| haikyuu boys finding you asleep on the couch after an argument ||

includes: kuroo tetsurou, miya osamu, & oikawa tooru

a/n- hello! sorry for posting so late, but this has been sitting in my drafts for a while and i was actually in the mood to finish it so i hope yall enjoy! oh and im not really sure about how i feel about it,,, might take it down later we shall see.

warnings: none ( lmk if there’s anything! )

KUROO -

last night you saw a post kuroo’s “work wife” had made on instagram with her kissing him on the cheek, and it didn’t make you feel the best, so you decided to bring it up to him the next morning. and you did, just as he was getting ready for work you talked to him about it.

you were standing in front of him filled with anger arguing about how it made you uncomfortable, “can you please listen?! i dont feel comfortable with your “work wife” kissing you?” you yelled. “Y/N it was on the cheek its not a big deal!” and to be honest you just wanted to cry. 

finally, he walked past you and opened the door. “i don’t have time for this y/n, stop being so insecure! at least she wouldn’t argue over something so small!” and with that, he slammed the door and you stood there stunned. kuroo knew that he shouldn’t have said that, instant regret and guilt filled his gut.

 but he already said it, he can’t do anything about it now. with a frustrated sigh, he went to work. hoping to fix everything when he gets home. you stood there speechless, as you realized you still had work so slowly you made your way to the bathroom. 

after getting ready and grabbing a quick snack you were out the door with a heavy chest. once you get home, tired and feeling worse than before. you trudged to the couch and plopped down letting out a shaky sigh remembering the argument and the words he said repeating in your head. 

you broke down crying, and before you knew it, the exhaustion from today took over and you were sound asleep on the couch. kuroo got home an hour later, he felt guilty and was already practicing how he’d apologize to you as he walked in.“y/n? kitten?” no answer. 

he called out again, and was met with silence, he made his way over to the living room where he found you sleeping on the couch. gently walking towards you he knelt down, and saw your tear-stained face which made his heart sink. “i fucked up” he said to himself.

giving you a gentle kiss on your forehead he softly apologized and carried you to the bedroom. you ended up waking up when you felt his body weight dent the bed. “tetsu?” you said softly squinting at him. relief rushes through his body at the sound of his nickname. looking at you with guilt in his eyes

“im so sorry kitten, i shouldn’t have said that. i didn’t mean to hurt you” he said gently. at that tears started flowing again and he was quick to hug you and wipe your tears with his other hand. “it’s ok, i shouldn’t have been so insecure anyways” 

he shook his head with a frown “no it’s not your fault ok? i didn’t mean anything i said. i love you so so much and i’m so lucky that you’re mine” you look up at him and gave him a small smile “okay” before cuddling closer to him. giving you a soft kiss on the lips he hugged you tighter as you both fell asleep.

OSAMU -

osamu was just having a horrible day, his head was pounding and the customers he had to deal with today were just plain rude. then he had to do most of the work since one of his employees called in sick, and for some reason, everything just annoyed him.

you on the other hand did not know about his day at all and thought it would be nice of you to make a surprise visit. walking in with a huge smile on your face stopping midway when you realize he wasn’t at the counter. “where’s samu?” you asked sweetly to the employee

“he’s in the back, i think he has a headache,” she says giving you a small smile. you can tell something was off by the way she spoke but decided to just brush it off and make your way to the back. “hi samu! surprise!” you exclaimed cheerfully as you make your way towards him

he just kind of looks at you, which you thought was weird, but you decided to hug him anyways. when he doesn’t hug you back and groan, you pull away and look at him “baby i heard you had a headache. i didn’t bring any medicine, but we could eat first and i-” 

you couldn’t even finish your sentence since osamu just stood up. he was infuriated and had no clue why, usually loved listening to you but today he was just annoyed. “look y/n a don’t mean ta be rude, but a don't have the energy for this right now. please just go home.” he said coldly staring right at you.

“excuse me? i came here to surprise you and this is what i get??” you said in shock, voice a little louder this time. rolling his eyes “Oh wow am so surprised! now will ya please go home? a don’t wanna argue right now!” he yelled. with tears forming in your eyes you quickly wiped them and left. osamu knew he shouldn’t have said all that, but he was too mad to run after you in front of all the customers. 

you rushed home and sluggishly made your way to your room to change into something comfier, making your way to the couch, curling up into a ball allowing your tears to fall, and somehow falling asleep, after getting tired of crying. he gets home a few hours later, guilt building up in his stomach as he mentally slaps himself for the things he said. 

walking into the living room he opened the lights and you were the first thing he noticed. seeing you curled up into a ball on the couch made his heart drop to his stomach. you on the other hand woke up because of the sudden change of lighting. 

gradually adjusting your sight you see him and switch your gaze onto the floor when you saw him look at you too. seeing your puffy eyes he walks towards you slowly and sits beside you giving you enough space. “am sorry, a shouldn’t have taken my frustration out on ya.”

you look at him with watery eyes and his heart sinks “yea i was just trying to be nice, sorry i didn’t warn you before coming” he opened his arms and you instinctively scooted closer to him, he sighs “no a love it when you surprise me a was jus having a bad day a love ya so much ok?” finally hugging him “okay i love you too” giving you a quick kiss he offered to make you food and of course you said yes.

OIKAWA -

you love oikawa, and you’re very supportive and understanding especially when it comes to his career. but he has an awful habit of overworking himself and as much as you love him you can't bear the fact that you couldn’t even see him anymore.

he goes home late at night -as in you’re already sound asleep late- and when you do stay up to see him, he’s too tired to even keep a conversation. then the next morning he’s gone before you could even wake up. you’ve spoken to him about this many times, but alas nothing changed.

you woke up to an empty bed as usual, but today was different though, you’ve planned a dinner for about 2 weeks now. you were very excited because it’s been so long since you both spent some quality time together and he promised to come home early. 

getting up you send him a little text reminding him of your dinner tonight, with a smile you head on over to the bathroom to get ready for work. once work was over you made a quick visit to the grocery store to buy the ingredients you’ll need to make tonight’s dinner. 

quietly humming to yourself while going through each aisle, and double-checking your list to make sure you’re not missing anything while checking your phone here and there. oikawa still hasn’t replied “he must be busy,” you say to yourself as you send him another text about the dinner just in case. after about 30 minutes you get home rushing since it was already late, and immediately getting started on dinner. 

once you're done you sat down and waited, and waited, and waited. it's been 4 hours. dinners cold and still no sign of your boyfriend. you decided to call him pissed off that he couldn’t even show up to one dinner, “hello? y/n i can't talk right now i still need to practice” 

he said as soon as he picked up. “tooru? did you get my texts? what about dinner, we’ve made plans for this 2 weeks prior! i even-” you were cut off “look just eat without me ok? we can eat again somet-” now it was your turn to cut him off. 

“oikawa tooru, you leave the house while i’m asleep and come back when i'm asleep. i just wanted to spend time with you..whatever good luck at practice,” you replied as you hang up. his heart sank when he heard the crack in your voice rushing to his car on his way home to you because he knows he fucked up. 

buying your favorite flowers for you on the way home cursing himself and the world for making it traffic at that exact moment. when he got home the first thing he saw was the food and you fast asleep on the couch. he felt a pang of guilt about being late. 

“y/n chan?” he said while gently waking you up. you stare at him with red puffy eyes and he hugged you giving you the flowers “im sorry baby, i should’ve prioritized you and our dinner. i promise ill do better” you saw how genuine he was being so you accepted the flowers and hugged him tighter as he offered to reheat the food you made.

reblogs are highly appreciated!

[nightferns]

The Third Variant to the SootCraft Fundy and Wilbur family drama that Maybe Accidentally Started it

So yesterday me and @bigbraveboop came to the conclusion that C!fundy had an arc in early early L'manburg that we were kinda unaware of. And it cracks the case of... how the family drama started. And also is why is this exists

C!Tommy was the catalyst of the c!Fundy | c!Wilbur family drama in S1 and i promise i have proof

all /rp

So what does Fundy repeatedly say is his biggest gripe with Wilbur currently and multiple times after his death? Well:

“You were there for me for a very very long time and then when i needed you the most, you skedaddled fuck the out of my life and died. Because of what? L’manberg’s causes, huh? You thought that was- You thought that was justice? You thought that was good for me? You left me, man.’

“The dad that- my dad that exploded himself for the sake of a country, just for that country to be demolished in future hands?-"

“He put me to priority number 2, man. He put me in the second place.”

So its about L’manburg being more important than him to Wilbur.

Now lets dig deep, where did that insecurity start? Why did Fundy arrive at this conclusion? Why did he feel like this in the first place about his position in L’manburg and his Father?

We kinda assume it was always there or was because of Wilbur actually prioritizing L’manburg over his son/being negectfull. But no! Fundy was very confident in his realtionship with Wilbur and his position in L’manburg at the Start and we see tha change so!

I want to argue that this insecurity... didn't come from Wilbur or any of his actions or lack thereof. Not directly.

“Wilbur? I dunno, Wilbur’s a man of chaos, alright- due to the lore of the server, Wilbur may or may not have been the father of our nation, but- that doesn’t mean he’s for everything I do. That doesn’t mean he stands behind me, alright? Not necessarily...not necessarily.”

This is the first instance of Fundy doubting his connection to Wilbur helping things, i'd argue it still was a part of a lighhearted bit that isn’t to be taken too seriously in the context of the larger story but i realized something that made me change my mind, i mean it is still a lighthearted bit but it connects to a certain quote from uncle Innit:

“What would father think?”

And then that got me thinking and:

Part 1 aka Early L'manburg Fundy had different feelings towards Wilbur than Civil War Fundy

So how did Fundy act towars Wilbur early on?

Fundy: "Don't speak to me ma- hey that's fucked up don't talk about that. That's-"

Tommy: "Listen Th- you gotta kn- you gotta know you don't speak to the boss's son like that. Nevermind about- about the boss's wife to the boss's son in front of the boss's right hand man! You really gotta- You really gotta read the room Thunder."

Fundy: "Yea you don't. You don't."

JM: "fine ok let him do what he wants to do, i just don't wanna hear about it [..]"

Tommy: "Listen to me Fundy- Listen to me Fundy- he didn't mean that- he's just a bold man- he had- he had a little-"

Fundy [turning to JM]: "I will tell on you."

Tommy: " NO no no no Fundy- Fundy He had a little flirt with Dream- he had a little flirt with dream, he's- he's a- he's really new, he's learing his boundaries, he's over stepped them, alright, listen, but you don't have to tell Will, you don't have to tell no-one. "

[To JM] "Thunder you need to to calm your fucking- holy shit."

"-Please, please give him a rest."

JM: "no i- im sorry, im sorry, i'm sorry Fundy"

Fundy: 'I don't want this behavior again, alright."

JM: "no i wont- i wont-"

Fundy: 'Don't talk to my Dad OR my salmon Mother like that ever again, i will tell on you, keep it in mind. I have privilege to speak up against-"

JM: "i understand."

I will come back to the i have a privilege line later but first, from this we see Fundy being confident that Wilbur would take his side because he is his son. He is the “i will tell my parents about this” kid, alongside that he doesn’t feel like he has no imput in decisions, he doesnt feel insecure here he is in the position of power. 

So again when did it appear?

Well,

Fundy: “I may or may not have scammed a bunch of people, including all of L’manburg people, um…”

Tommy: “You scammed L’manburg members?!”

Fundy: “But here’s the thing – I’m willing to pay you a part of the profit if you help me out here!”

Tommy: “Fundy…okay, can I tell you what’s happened from my point of view? The son of the President has gone around scamming the other presidential members, and as the Vice President whilst the President’s not on, this is my duty to make sure that this doesn’t pull apart L’manburg. And what you’re saying – what you’ve essentially just said is, ‘hey, can I bribe you?’“

Fundy: “…Can I?”

Tommy: “Jesus Christ…No, okay, we need to settle this now, ‘cause I mean if this happens on my turf, I’m gonna fucking take the blame from this from Wilbur, alright…so listen, Fundy, under no circumstances can you bribe anyone!”

Fundy: “I got two Netherite scraps?”

Tommy: “Okay, okay – explain to me what’s happened, please.”

[Fundy explains the conflict]

Tommy: “What would father think?”

Fundy: “Well, he always – he always sides…by me…obviously.”

Tommy: “Would he though? I mean, you’ve gone against the other members of the nation he fought to build.”

Fundy: “Well only because my loot has been stolen! Alright?”

Tommy: “This sounds petty, Fundy.”

Fundy: “Okay, okay, I can word this differently in my favor.”

Tommy: “No, okay, no – you’re not meant to say that out loud! Okay, I’m gonna ask Tubbo what’s happened, and then from there on we’ll – but please do not do any – we can’t have L’manburg falling out over this, alright?” 

So here we see Fundy the president’s son being put in comparison to L’manburg the nation the president built for what Wilbur would prioritize for the first time, and Tommy sows the seeds that maybe L’manburg matters more to Wilbur than him, that Wilbur would choose the nation. this is also first time Fundy has been sort of excluded from the Whole of L’manburg.

and we see Tommy’s words affect Fundy,

Fundy: “We gotta list everyone who’s against me:”

“I killed Tubbo twice, I stole his bow. Tubbo’s probably against me.”

“Tommy has always been against me from the start.”

“Sapnap is against me because I killed his animals and stole them.”

“Punz is against me ‘cause I stole his bees.”

“Eret is against me ‘cause I went after Karl.”

“Karl’s against me ‘cause -- I just realized I’ve made a lot of enemies...I just realized I don’t have many -- I don’t have many allies on the server. There’s not many allies.”

“Who’s neutral? Niki! Niki is with me! Niki is friendly.”

“Wilbur? I dunno, Wilbur’s a man of chaos, alright...due to the lore of the server, Wilbur may or may not have been the father of our nation, but...that doesn’t mean he’s for everything I do. That doesn’t mean he stands behind me, alright? Not necessarily...not necessarily.”

“Quackity? Quackity’s definitely not -- no, listen, Quackity’s definitely not for me, okay. I called him a whore. There’s definitely -- there’s definitely many things Quackity has against me.”

so here is my argument... Fundy’s insecurity started with Tommy.

Part 2 Development Of Those Feelings (Uncle Tommy you’re not Helping)

Fundy, growing disillusioned with Wilbur and L’manburg, lead to this one coversation between Fundy and Wilbur,

Wilbur: Well the uh- the ballot entries have closed now.

Fundy: Who's in it?

Wilbur: Well it originally was just gonna be me and Tommy, me and Tommy tired to do it so- tried to do it so we will be the only ones running, then suddenly out of nowhere Quackity joins and enters himself on the ballot-

Fundy: Ok.

Wilbur: -so it's me and Tommy against Quackity and someone else.

Fundy: Who's someone else?

Wilbur: We don't know yet, he hasn't announced,

Fundy: Wait then- oh, so it's just a random… sneaky person who put himself in the ballot not announced who he is.

Wilbur: yeah, yeah. I mean if you wanna try and convince Quackity that you wanna run against your father.

Fundy: Yeah ok.

Wilbur: Wait, you- you wouldn't though. 

Fundy: What if i win? What are- what are you gonna do?

Wilbur: Well then you'd be Vice President.

Fundy: but-What if i win?

Wilbur: Why do you want power in L'manburg so much?

Fundy: Why do you want power?

Wilbur: Because- i led the revolution, i'm your…  i'm your president.

Fundy: That's history.

Wilbur: Wh- d- Do you not think i-  i'm suitable to run for president?

Fundy: I think you are, but i think I am as well.

Wilbur: I don't know man. I don't- i think- i think you- i think you'd be s- i think you'd be getting into a fight you wouldn't want to start with me. You've only been on the positive side of me, you've only seen my nice side, because y'know? being my son you get- you get special- y'know? You won't ever see me going against you.

Fundy: Wait so you're a biased person going for presidency.

Wilbur: Biased to my son? Yes. But, if you're gonna run against me then i'm changing, i'll- i'll go guns blazing.

Fundy: I'll have a word with Quackity.

Wilbur: Fundy i…  i've got- i've got- i've got a bad feeling about this. I think you're just gonna… you're just gonna get hurt.

Fundy: That will happen-

.

Wilbur: Fundy yeah- Yeah someone in my chat just pointed out, Fundy you started the civil war.

Niki: I mean technically Sapnap started the civil war.

Fundy: I mean- i mean technically- Yeah y' know, technically- and i'm gonna win it! It's fine! I mean what does he have on me, really?

Wilbur: I thought it was you fighting Tubbo?

Fundy: what?

Wilbur: I thought civil war was you and Tubbo?

Fundy: No, Tubbo's just a prick.

Wilbur: Sapnap's not even- not even part of L’manburg how is it a civil war?

Fundy: I don't know you brought it up!

Wilbur: Tommy told me- Tommy told me it was Tubbo and Fundy.

Fundy: Yeah no Tommy is a little bit delusional.

Wilbur: I think i've spoiled you.

Fundy: How?

Wilbur: I think you need to learn some manners.

Fundy: I dunno- power seems nice.

Wilbur: Fine, you can run against me, it won't end well for you but you can give it a go.

Fundy: Like i said i'll- i'll have a word with Quackity i'll think of my actions, see what will happen, i'm not saying necessarily that i'll go against you, then again i'm not standing beside you because you may or may not be the father of L'manburg 

Wilbur: And you! The father of you!

Fundy: That's irrelevant. To-

Wilbur: No it's not irrelevant! It's very relevant to this!

Fundy: I don't-  i don't think that's relevant to presidency

I’ll talk over Wilburs pov here in a little bit but focusing on Fundy, 

He wants to run, other than everything we established before here Fundy wants to run to prove himself to himself, and we see the other part of this conflict more internally is,  

(“[..] may or may not be the father of L'manburg- “ , “ That's irrelevant.” )

 Well, here is the insecurity about Wilbur choosing L’manburg (here his position as president) over Fundy, the being second place to L’manburg part matters here becasue i think this is where Wilbur and Fundy fundamentally clash, so Fundy doesn’t want for it to matter to Wilbur, he doesn’t want for his position as son to have any influence over Wilbur here beacuse of this fear that that’s why he may be in the second place.

now let’s move on to,

Uncle Tommy ‘helps’

Fundy: “I’m wearing glasses…are you making fun of my eyesight?!”

Tommy: “Yes.”

Sapnap: “Your father would be very disappointed.”

Fundy: “Wh – disappointed for wearing glasses?!”

Tommy: “You got glasses, like what are you wearing…”

Fundy: “What do you mean?”

Tommy: “Sapnap, Sapnap, over here. Fundy, Fundy, Fundy, I’m really sorry to say this – I’m just here to publicly denounce you.”

Fundy: “…What?”

Tommy: “I just, I – yeah. You’re stinky, you’re shitty, the fur that’s sewn onto your skin, I look at it and I go (retching sounds) And whilst you’re a lovely guy, you’re actually not, you’re really…and all the viewers are like ‘oh no!’ But they can’t smell you. I can! Holy shit, you know? I mean you know, Sapnap…”

Fundy: “I showered two hours before the stream…”

Tommy: “I know, and that’s what makes it so remarkable, how you smell that terrible.”

Fundy: “I used coconut oil…it smells good…”

…

Tommy: “Fundy, I’m just here to kinda let you know that I – if you weren’t Wilbur’s son, you would be out of L’manburg, alright? Just remember – you need to keep that relationship with your father. I saw how asshole-y and bratty you were acting in the courtroom the other night. You need to pull your shit together young man.”

Fundy: “Being neutral is – is asshole?”

Tommy: “Yes. Come with me, Sapnap. Yeah, I’ve denounced you – well no no no, you were challenging him. You were challenging him.”

Fundy: “Denounced to what?”

Tommy: “I just – it’s just a formal way of saying you suck.”

(Tommy and Sapnap leave)

Fundy: “…They are mean…They are mean! Why are they so mean? That is so mean…”

Fundy: “Listen, it is one thing making fun of a person’s appearance…it is one thing making fun of a person’s blindness, but hey – don’t fucking make fun of my coconut oil! Listen dude…that shit smells tasty! That smells good! Man…that’s…god…coconut oil, man…dude.“

…

Fundy: “TNT their houses? That will just prove their point, chat. That will just prove their point. That will just prove their point…they’re just mean. They’re so mean. But it is okay, chat. It is okay. The reason why it’s okay…that’s actually true. Why is he talking to the enemy? Wait…wait a minute. Wait a minute! So let me get the story straight real quick.”

 “Chat…just hold up a second here! Hold on a second! So Tommy is demoting me, right? And he’s saying you’re only in L’manburg because of Wil. So Tommy says…in theory, he would kick me out if he had the chance. But considering that, while he’s together with Sapnap…it leads me to believe…Tommy wants to destroy L’manburg!”

“Why would he do that? Why would he team up with Sapnap? He had no correlation with this conversation at all. What was the reason for that?”

“…Do we have another traitor in our midst?”

…

Fundy: “Listen, Tommy, here’s a really interesting theory, alright…here’s an interesting theory, Tommy. I got a little theory on my mind! Listen, boy, we’re part of L’manburg, you and me. Wil as well, Tubbo, all of us, alright? And we’re supposed to be a union! Now here’s the thing! Here’s the thing. If you said, due to Wilbur I’m still basically part of L’manburg – in other terms saying that if it was on your hands you would get me out of there, right, why would you excessively bring Sapnap, out of all people, for that conversation alone?”

Tommy: “Shall I explain to you? It’s because, Fundy, we fucking need votes, Fundy. We need votes! This Quack City guy, son of BadBoyHalo? He’s just – he’s just, like, oh my god. We needed votes. And listen, Fundy–”

Fundy: “You basically just lost my vote, and I feel like that’s your purpose!”

Tommy: “You’re in L’manburg! You vote for us already – you vote for your own father, don’t be an idiot!”

Fundy: “I feel like you’re trying to bring us apart, Tommy. I feel like your goals are not supportive towards L’manburg at the moment…”

Tommy: “From my perspective, Sapnap hates you, Fundy. Sapnap hates you. And if I go listen, if I had to tier list all of the members of L’manburg, Fundy would be in D tier. He needs to hear that.”

Fundy: “…Tommy, are you Eret?”

Post the court debate Fundy was more decided on running on his own,

“Honestly, I feel like everything just needs to change. Honestly, I feel like neither of the parties have done enough right to deserve leadership, to deserve presidency in the first place. I feel like a lot of shit needs to change.”

Fundy didnt want to endorse any of the parties, SWAG2020 was endorsed by Dream, and he belived POG2020 to be corrupt because of the bribing Karl situation, so he was more keen on running on his own, and then came the public denouncing situaion.

Obviously Fundy was hurt by this, especially considering Sapnap was his enemy, and Tommy’s words didnt do Fundy’s and Wilburs already shaky relationship many favours, but his behaviour both pushed Fundy futher away from the POG party, and started Fundy’s ‘traitor Tommy’ theory that he shared with Niki after which the Coconut2020 party was formed.

Part 3 Wilbur is a oblivious dumbass but it makes sense now.

now lets look at Wilburs pov of things, which means we are coming back to the privilege line,

Wilbur: I don't know man. I don't- i think- i think you- i think you'd be s- i think you'd be getting into a fight you wouldn't want to start with me. You've only been on the positive side of me, you've only seen my nice side, because y'know? being my son you get- you get special- y'know? You won't ever see me going against you.

-----

JM: "no i- im sorry, im sorry, i'm sorry Fundy"

Fundy: 'I don't want this behavior again, alright."

JM: "no i wont- i wont-"

Fundy: 'Don't talk to my Dad OR my salmon Mother like that ever again, i will tell on you, keep it in mind. I have privilege to speak up against-"

JM: "i understand."

So coming back to this quote, i belive Wilbur didnt realize Fundy had these doubts about thier relationship, because he was used to Fundy sharing his problems with him, and he was left kinda drifting in an ‘why is my son suddenly against me now??’

Wilbur didnt realize Fundy’s feelings about him had changed, as in Fundy no longer WOULD come to him if he had any probems, because Fundy used to come to him with problems, ("I will tell on you.") But Tommy’s first comment knocked him down and the debate and the Sapnap-Tommy situation had as well and the denouncement, (which Wilbur also knew shit about) because he was already insecure about his place in L’manburg and Wilbur. AND he wouldn't come to Wilbur like he used to because Wilbur was the point of his insecurity even if he wasnt the couse of it.

So we see Wilbur kinda be sad and confused and misstepping becasue of that,

Wilbur: I don't know man. I don't- i think- i think you- i think you'd be s- i think you'd be getting into a fight you wouldn't want to start with me. You've only been on the positive side of me, you've only seen my nice side, because y'know? being my son you get- you get special- y'know? You won't ever see me going against you.

Fundy: Wait so you're a biased person going for presidency.

Wilbur: Biased to my son? Yes. But, if you're gonna run against me then i'm changing, i'll- i'll go guns blazing.

Fundy: I'll have a word with Quackity.

Wilbur: Fundy i…  i've got- i've got- i've got a bad feeling about this. I think you're just gonna… you're just gonna get hurt.

------

Wilbur: Tommy told me- Tommy told me it was Tubbo and Fundy.

Fundy: Yeah no Tommy is a little bit delusional.

Wilbur: I think i've spoiled you.

Fundy: How?

Wilbur: I think you need to learn some manners.

Fundy: I dunno- power seems nice.

Wilbur: Fine, you can run against me, it won't end well for you but you can give it a go.

-----

Wilbur: Wait, look who’s coming, look who’s coming.

Tommy: Uh oh!

Wilbur: My son. My boy.

Tommy: Your ex-son.

Wilbur: Yeah. Well, I mean, he’s still my son in blood, but, he’s just…

Tommy: You should put him up.

Wilbur: What d’you mean, put him up? What, for adoption?

Tubbo: For adoption.

Tommy: Yeah. You should see if Big Q will adopt him.

[They discuss Fundy’s Twitch Prime cape. He runs up on stage, to the microphone, and starts punching the air. He’s not in the same vc as them.]

Wilbur: What’s he doing, what’s he doing- what is this? What is this bit? What is he doing?

Tommy: What the fuck are you- no.

Wilbur: He’s just not- he’s not- he’s really upsetting me.

Tommy: Just- just- he’s not President is he? He’s got no manners, he has no manners. No etiquette.

Wilbur: Look, he’s supposed to be my son.

[Wilbur types in chat: “fundy talk to me” and Fundy immediately leaves the game.]

Tubbo: He is trying.

Tommy: Tubbo, you’re gonna get murdered, my friend.

Wilbutr: He said, he said, “I am here for the Presidencialcy-” He just left.

Tommy: And then he- [sighs] I’m so sorry you have to deal with him.

W: I don’t- I- It’s really sad, like I… Honestly, I- when he turned around to me and he said he wasn’t gonna vote for me, and then he decided he was gonna vote for the opposition, and then he decided he was gonna run against me, that was- one of those was the straw that broke my back. I’m not sure which one- I’m still contemplating which one was the- are you listening?

[Tommy has jumped off the podium to join Tubbo in the audience.]

Tpmmy: Yeah, I’m going down to Tubbo, I just- I’m just letting you vent, Wilbur, I want you to have time to vent.

Wilbur: Yeah I just- I miss me son! I miss me son! I miss when he was my boy! Do you remember when he was my boy?

Tommy: Yeah, I’m not really good at handling… People who are emotional.

Wilbur also didn’t know anything about the denouncement situation,

Sapnap: “Will you continue to have your son banished from L’Manberg if I vote for you?” 

Wilbur: “My son. My- My son. Look, we’re talking about politics here, I don’t want to talk about my family, if that’s alright. … I would like to say, thank you, Sapnap, for the question, I very much appreciate it, but I’m not gonna be fielding responses about my family situation, thank you.” (Alivebur)

*Wilbur proceeds to step off the podium and cry*

Wilbur: “Fundy...!” 

Besides that  fundamenatally Fundys and Wilburs views about the presidency oppose eachother,

“Tommy, I’m- I’m- I’m- I don’t know what to do, Tommy, I’ve never not been President.”

Fundy sees Wilbur and L'manburg as two separate things that he has to unfiairly contest with and for 

1. for Wilbur because of his fears, for a place among L’manburg members

2. Because He wants to prove himself to himself. he needs to know what Tommy said, isn’t true/he can thrive regardless without his fathers support he can still be a  great member of L’manburg and even a president

Wilbur sees himself as inherently connected trough L’manburg with everyone to the point that he thinks that without his position he cant do anything for his loved ones/ he wont be usefull. he thinks of l’manburg as something he does FOR all of them including Fundy.

“My son… My son is tearing down the walls, in front of me! My son is tearing down the walls in front of me! The walls I built to keep him safe! I promised him this world, Tommy, I promised him this world.”

----

 “Fundy was the closest thing I had to something I cared about in L’Manberg, when it all began. You know, when it started, the closest thing to anything I cared about was Fundy. Fundy was my, he was my, he was my boy! My rock!”

----

Ranboo: "I don't know if they actually needed me, but I was there.(about his work in the NLM cabinet)" 

Wilbur:"I know that feel." 

This why Fundy and Wilbur clash fundamentally here,

Fundy: Like i said i'll- i'll have a word with Quackity i'll think of my actions, see what will happen, i'm not saying necessarily that i'll go against you, then again i'm not standing beside you because you may or may not be the father of L'manburg 

Wilbur: And you! The father of you!

Fundy: That's irrelevant. To-

Wilbur: No it's not irrelevant! It's very relevant to this!

Fundy: I don't-  i don't think that's relevant to presidency

Part 4 Tommy WHY? (he is propably protective and and a tiny bit jealous )

----

Tommy: “Hey, you know about Fundy’s little rebellious stage he’s going through?”

Tommy: “Fundy, I’m just here to kinda let you know that I – if you weren’t Wilbur’s son, you would be out of L’manburg, alright? Just remember – you need to keep that relationship with your father. I saw how asshole-y and bratty you were acting in the courtroom the other night. You need to pull your shit together young man.”

----

Tommy: “Shall I explain to you? It’s because, Fundy, we fucking need votes, Fundy. We need votes! This Quack City guy, son of BadBoyHalo? He’s just – he’s just, like, oh my god. We needed votes. And listen, Fundy–”

Fundy: “You basically just lost my vote, and I feel like that’s your purpose!”

Tommy: “You’re in L’manburg! You vote for us already – you vote for your own father, don’t be an idiot!”

Fundy: “I feel like you’re trying to bring us apart, Tommy. I feel like your goals are not supportive towards L’manburg at the moment…”

Tommy: “From my perspective, Sapnap hates you, Fundy. Sapnap hates you. And if I go listen, if I had to tier list all of the members of L’manburg, Fundy would be in D tier. He needs to hear that.”

----

Wilbur: Wait, look who’s coming, look who’s coming.

Tommy: Uh oh!

Wilbur: My son. My boy.

Tommy: Your ex-son.

Wilbur: Yeah. Well, I mean, he’s still my son in blood, but, he’s just…

Tommy: You should put him up.

Wilbur: What d’you mean, put him up? What, for adoption?

Tubbo: For adoption

---

Wilbur: He said, he said, “I am here for the Presidencialcy-” He just left.

Tommy: And then he- [sighs] I’m so sorry you have to deal with him.

W: I don’t- I- It’s really sad, like I… Honestly, I- when he turned around to me and he said he wasn’t gonna vote for me, and then he decided he was gonna vote for the opposition, and then he decided he was gonna run against me, that was- one of those was the straw that broke my back. I’m not sure which one- I’m still contemplating which one was the- are you listening?

[Tommy has jumped off the podium to join Tubbo in the audience.]

Tommy: Yeah, I’m going down to Tubbo, I just- I’m just letting you vent, Wilbur, I want you to have time to vent.

Wilbur: Yeah I just- I miss me son! I miss me son! I miss when he was my boy! Do you remember when he was my boy?

Tommy: Yeah, I’m not really good at handling… People who are emotional.

Besides Tommy genuinely wanting to get more votes during the dennoucemnt situation, his seconddary motive was well, he was protective over Wilbur, he noticed that what Fundy did during the debate hurt Wilbur, and kept acting bitter towards him from then on. ( “ I saw how asshole-y and bratty you were acting in the courtroom the other night.” / And then he- [sighs] I’m so sorry you have to deal with him.”  )

the he a was tiny bit jealous point IS more up in the air but we can compare this to how Tommy acted towards Ranboo just after leaving prison, when he learned of the c!beeduo marriage.

Quotes from @/kateis-cakeis, @/findingjoynweirdstuff, @/ace-enderchest and my own transcripts, thank you guys!

[uncloseted]

What are some effective waya to become more productive?

what are some effective ways 2 be productive?

First things first, figure out what the problem actually is. Why are you struggling to be productive? Is it because you're a perfectionist and the idea of not doing the task perfectly stresses you out? Is it because you're lacking the motivation to do anything? Is it because you're struggling to concentrate, or because you're overwhelmed by the task, or because you don't know where to begin? There are tons of reasons why you might be struggling with productivity, and figuring out what the roadblocks you're encountering are can help you to find ways around them. Since I can't read your mind, I'm going to try and give advice that will work for most of the roadblocks you might encounter.

When it comes to big things, I recommend using the SMARTER & WOOP methods. SMARTER and WOOP are two tools that are really useful for behavior modification and other long-term goals you might have.

SMART(ER) is a tool to help you set the right goals for you.  Too often, we set goals like “I’m going to start exercising” or “I’m going to quit going on my phone”.  Those are great in theory, but without an action plan, it’s easy to not follow through.

SMARTER goals are ones that are:

Specific (simple, sensible, significant).

If your goal isn’t specific, you won’t be able to focus your efforts or feel motivated to achieve it.

Try to answer: what do I want to accomplish? Why is this goal important? Who is involved? Where is it located? Which resources or limits are involved?

Measurable (meaningful, motivating).

Having measurable goals is important because it allows you to track your progress and stay motivated by seeing how far you’ve come.

A measurable goal should be one that answers “how much”, “how many” and “how will I know when it’s accomplished”?

Achievable (agreed, attainable).

Your goal needs to be realistic in order for you to stay motivated and be successful.  If you’re aiming too high, you’ll become demotivated quickly because it doesn’t feel like you’re making progress.

An achievable goal requires you to ask “how can I accomplish this goal” and “how realistic is this goal based on other constraints?”

Relevant (reasonable, realistic and resourced, results-based).

Relevant goals are ones that matter to you.  Make sure that these goals are ones that are important to you, not ones that you think you should be pursuing.

A relevant goal is one that can answer “yes” to the following questions: “does this seem worthwhile?”, “is this the right time?”, “does this match my other efforts/needs?”, “is it applicable in my current socio-economic environment?”

Time bound (time-based, time limited, time/cost limited, timely, time-sensitive).

Every goal needs a target date so that you have a deadline you can focus on and work toward.

A time sensitive goal is one that answers “when?”, “what can I do six months from now?”, “what can I do six weeks from now?”, and “what can I do today?”

Evaluate

Every day, evaluate how you’re doing on your goals.  Long term goals can be easily ignored if they’re not evaluated every day, and if you don’t evaluate how you’re doing on your goals regularly, you might miss the things that are preventing you from achieving them.

Readjust

If you find that your approach isn’t working, you may need to readjust your goals.  That doesn’t mean that you’re failing at your goals or that you should quit; it just means you have to rethink the approach you’re taking.  Maybe the goal isn’t as relevant to you as you thought it would be, or it’s not as realistic as you expected, or your timeline is too short.  Identify which part of your SMARTER goal is tripping you up and readjust it.

The best goals are ones that include trying new things instead of quitting old ones.  Quitting things is hard; learning something new is easier and more exciting.  If you’re looking to quit something, replace it by establishing a new habit that takes its place.  For example, “I’m going to stop going on my phone,” is hard, but “when I feel like going on my phone, I’ll read a book for ten minutes instead” might be easier to maintain.

After you’ve figured out your SMARTER goal, it’s time to WOOP.  WOOP is something like the scientifically proven cousin of “manifesting”.  Just visualizing our goals or positive thinking on its own can be counterproductive, because it fools our lizard brains into believing that we’ve already achieved the goal.  By using the WOOP method, you can prevent that from happening and actually achieve what you want to achieve.

WOOP stands for:

Wish: Identify a wish that is challenging, yet attainable.  This should be your SMARTER goal.

Outcome: Imagine the best outcome as a result of your wish (as vividly as possible).  Really daydream about what your life would be like if you achieved your goal.

Ask yourself, what is the biggest benefit you could receive from achieving this goal?

Obstacle: Identify and imagine what obstacles will get in the way of your wish.

What might get in the way?  Thoughts, feelings, beliefs, old behavior patterns, bad habits, social pressure… identify as many as you can, then prioritize their likely they are to happen and how significant they would be if they did happen.

Plan: Create an if-then plan to overcome the obstacles you identified- “if [obstacle occurs] then I will [plan A].”  Do your best to pick the most effective path you can for each obstacle, and identify a few different plans in case your first plan doesn’t work.

For example, if you wanted to start exercising, your WOOP might look like this:

Wish: Go on a run 3x/week after school/work for a month.

Outcome: Better energy, confidence, and health.

Obstacle: Feeling tired and hungry at the end of the day…Not wanting to go.

Plan: Pack a snack for the end of the day, and put on gym clothes right when you get home.

Or if you wanted to stop watching TV and read more:

Wish: Watch only 5 episodes of TV per week, and read when I feel the urge to watch TV for a month.

Outcome: Learn a lot. Get smarter. Feel better. Enjoy the great ideas. Feel like I’m spending my time wisely.

Obstacle: Not feeling like it. Preferring to watch TV.

P: If I catch myself watching TV, then I turn it off and start reading a book instead.

The last thing you can do to increase the chances that you’ll achieve your goal is to get someone else involved.  Either find a friend who’s setting the same goal that you are, or tell someone about your goal and ask them to help you achieve it by checking up on you.  It can also be helpful to put money on the line- give money to a friend with the understanding that you’ll get it back on a set date if you’ve achieved your goal.  If you really want to ensure that you reach your goal, tell your friend that if you fail, they should donate the money to a group or cause that you really hate.

For smaller, more day to day tasks:

Make a list of everything you need to do. Sort them into four categories- tasks that are Urgent & Important, tasks that are Not Urgent & Important tasks that are Not Important but Urgent, and tasks that are neither Urgent nor Important. Focus first on the tasks that are Urgent & Important. This can help you prioritize which things to work on first.

From there, take a look at each individual task and break it down into very small steps that you can't fuck up. These can be as small as "open laptop", "open Google Docs", "write name at top of the page", etc. If it helps, you can assign each one of these steps a point count, and then give yourself a treat once you collect enough points (10 points, 20 points, 50 points, and so on).

Once you have your list and have identified all of the steps, just do the first step. It can be daunting to start a big project or task; it's way easier to just do one thing. And once you do one thing, it feels easier to do just one more thing, and just one more thing, and so on until the task is complete.

Once you build up some momentum, I would recommend using the Pomodoro technique. Work for 20-25 minutes (or as long as you can really focus) and then take a 5-10 minute break. Stand up, get a drink, get a snack, watch a short TV episode or a YouTube video, look up that thing that was on your mind, whatever will give your brain a break. Then, set another 20-25 minute timer and get back to work. After three or four cycles of working and taking a short break, take a longer break.

A few other things that I think it's important to remember when it comes to productivity.

Anything worth doing is worth doing badly. You don't need to finish things, and you don't need to do them perfectly. If it's a choice between doing something badly or not doing it at all, it's always better to do it badly.

You don't need to do things the way other people would do them- do it how it works for you. Sometimes that won't make sense to other people, but that's all right. The only person it has to work for is you. If bouncing back and forth between different tasks works better for you than focusing on one task until it's done, then bounce back and forth between tasks. That's okay.

It's okay to ask for help. If you have trouble doing things, that's okay- find someone who can assist you. Maybe you're bad at projects that don't have someone to be accountable to. Find a friend who will hold you accountable. Maybe you're bad at projects without deadlines. Set deadlines for yourself and get someone to make sure you meet them. Sometimes you don't need to work through your shortcomings- you just need to find a way around them.

[pluviophile-imagines]

Could I ask what your sexuality headcanons are? I love comparing mine with other peoples’!

Ok second half of this; this is just like. non-students who i Actually have thought about HJBAFV not at all a comprehensive list. Again disclaimer i write all these chars as bi in my fics, also i am bi myself so the vast majority are also bi, and also leaving a lot of these vague so u can imagine ur favorite ship or urself or w/ever

ok lets start this off with Aizawa. I think....... hes another one who's rlly unlabelled, doesnt super care to think it through and define it, but calls himself gay bc his interest in women is very, very rare and it's just way easier to say than explain all that. Definitely do buy into the idea that he had a crush on Oboro in hs but i do NOT buy into the easermic agenda sorry. Definitely not someone who goes looking for dates, but doesn't say no if someone asks him and hes interested (also im not gonna give her a whole section but i saw a hc a while back that the Ms. Joke stuff is literally that shes a lesbian and hes gay and shes fucking with him and i love that so much i just wanted to put it out there)

on the topic of the erasermic agenda: Hizashi's pan and knew it before HS, had a sudden & intense crush on Aizawa for the first month they knew each other and then immediately got over it in favor of a similar sudden, intense, and then immediately fading crush on Midnight. Hizashi and Aizawa r just rlly good friends imo; maybe they messed around for a bit in their twenties but it never went anywhere serious. He dates around a lot, not even necessarily to settle down just to have some fun

Midnight is aro/ace but does get in qprs & gravitates towards women wrt that. Most people dont read vigilantes but theres a woman in that, Kazuho, who i imagine she's been in a long-term qpr with; her relationship with aizawa and hizashi leans a little more towards a qpr than a normal friendship, too, but it's not rlly defined that way

All Might is married to justice queer but v much not interested in relationships. He and that one guy from the first movie are ABSOLUTELY exes and i won't hear otherwise; it's the only relationship he's ever had, and they broke up bc he had to go back to japan. He was heartbroken but did eventually get over him; his lack of romance afterwards is from genuine disinterest and not being hung up on his past. I can see him finding someone else in his later years, after he's retired. Definitely feels like he's not worthy of it tho

Hawks is bi but unfortunately didn't get to figure that out until like Now in the timeline...... if youll let my dabihawks history shine through i think dabi was the reason JHBASFGJHB he was basically brainwashed by the commission to become a hero so he didnt have time to Figure That Shit Out; he knew he was into women bc that was easy & what the commission expected from him but then he started this undercover assignment and met dabi and realized Oh...... Fuck. Hawks is hard tbh, bc i think between the control that the commission has over him and his own convictions as a hero he doesn't pursue any romance (tho he does get crushes or find people attractive) and most of his flings are done to keep up his prettyboy act, not out of genuine interest in being a fuckboy. Can't imagine him having a relationship until well after canon but I do see him being interested eventually

Onto the villains, Shigaraki is unlabelled but probably would call himself queer if asked. Definitely admires women more but isn't very interested in romance; AFO actively encourages him to pursue the things interested in so imo if he were he'd talk abt it more lmfao. I kinda see him as demi as well, not the type to fall immediately but requiring a friendship beforehand; tho unlike Bakugo as i said in my last post I dont think it happens suddenly but rather slowly. Y'all know im a big fan of shigaraki being absolutely whipped for his s/o so i do thing hes a big piner, tho he's also pretty bold and unashamed of his affections. I'm a big fan of him falling for a member of the league or a civilian; definitely can't see him falling for a hero unless the hero was already halfway to turning sides already. I think he's also attracted to intelligence and someone who pushes him to think more abt his ideology...... maybe im just projecting at this point JSHDFBVAJKSHD but my point is that the gender of his partner is definitely the least of what he considers/notices

Dabi is bi and, here's my bold take, demisexual; not interested in sex unless its with someone he loves. Absolutely doesn't even think abt romance for most of the years where he's on his own. He's got revenge to plan. By the time he joins the league that hasn't changed much, and he's demi so he's not interested in sleeping around, plus he rlly denies any attachment to people at all. As I said in that other ask tho I do rlly like the idea of him with Magne, so I think they have a fling for a bit before her death :( it's one of the things that leads him to isolate himself further, unfortunately, even from Jin and the other League members with whom his relationships aren't romantic. I can see him dating someone post-canon bc i think hes gonna be redeemed lol. It could be someone he knew before but they probably didnt date again bc he was v guarded; i think magne was rlly the only person he dated

Magne is pan and heres the kicker: I think shes t4t, which led to a little moment just before she and dabi got together where he was like "she wouldnt be into me :/" but she was into him anyway so all was good. She got around in her circles, mostly casual stuff tho she yearned for something more serious.

Spinner's bi & trends towards women but does occasionally get things for men and they're almost always intense. He thought he was straight for a while even once he joined the league and then suddenly got a crush on Shigaraki (around the time of MVA) and realized otherwise LMFAO he's definitely a hopeless romantic type, the whole mutant prejudice thing makes it rlly hard for him and i can see him being rlly happy with another mutant-type; i feel like as he matures he starts to gravitate towards them

Toga is canonically pan to my understanding, iirc her interest in Uraraka and Deku is the same (and romantic) in canon tho i might be wrong. Poor girl just needs therapy. I like the idea of the two of them becoming her friends over her being involved with them but i totally can get behind her having a thing with Uraraka (and maybe Tsu) at some point post-canon (presuming she gets redeemed), tho I think a qpr between the two/three of them would be longer lasting. And again presuming she gets therapy i can see her settling down with someone, gender irrelevant

Jin is unlabelled bc he hasn't much thought abt it, definitely had a thing for dabi and for hawks which does make me sad on both counts. I think he likes women slightly more abstractly/aesthetically and gets crushes more on men,. The dabi thing fades as they get closer and start to view each other as brothers. In his later years he doesn't rlly care about romance, I think he enjoys the experience of crushing but doesnt like dating people; his found family in the League is far more important to him. But i can see him falling head-over-heels for someone quite suddenly and having a bit of a whirlwind romance. Also someone for whom gender isn't much of a factor

Mr Compress is also queer and also hasn't rlly thought abt it. Definitely leans more towards women; he's like 30 but i like to think he also goes for older partners, 10 or 15 years his senior KJBADSJFHB idk he just has that Vibe with the way he calls himself an old man etc. A lot of the league i cant see sleeping or dating around much, i feel like they prioritize each other, but I do think mr compress gets around more than the others. i can see him having a bit of a fuckbuddy who he catches feelings for

Kurogiri is fun; as Oboro I do think Aizawa's crush was reciprocated, tho he wasn't around long enough for them to act on it :( he's bi, tho kurogiri isn't supposed to have personal interests. I like to imagine the brainwashing isnt as good as AFO wants it to be tho so I like the idea of him falling for someone anyway. I also like the idea of the heroes managing to undo the nomufication and I 100% can see him, aizawa, and someone else (someone he was involved with as Kurogiri) ending up in a triad as a result of aizawa and the third partner helping him through the aftermath of all that shit

Lady Nagant is a manga-only minor character but im in love with her so imma talk abt it. Shes bi and leans VERY heavily towards women, probably spent years questioning whether she was rlly bi or a lesbian before finally having a fling with a guy that she genuinely enjoyed. Has only ever been in long-term relationships with women and I v much think she has a gf at home who stayed even when she was arrested 🥺

Finally imma talk abt Natsuo bc i love that boy. He's one of the few unmarried chars with a love interest and he canonically has a gf. I do see him as IDing straight in canon ngl, but the kind of straight where he might actually be bi but his preference leans so heavily towards women and he grew up in a bad home so he just doesnt rlly think abt it bc hes v happy with women anyway. In shiganatsu thoughts shigaraki is the first man he has a thing for; i rlly can see the two of them in a triad with a woman specifically, who helps the two of them find each other and is the one who initiates bc its definitely a weird situation for natsuo

[daddy-daichis]

Yesterday the very beautiful and talented @fuwari-s tagged me in this game and since that post is already really long i figured id make a new one lol  (Also thank you for tagging me, it made me so happy)

The Game: Tag your 2D lovers + the other trend I saw yesterday and wanted to do which is Would you actually date them IRL. So ill put that under the cut because it is a lot.

HQ: Atsumu, Daichi, Issei, Bokuto, Hinata, and Kyoutani

BNHA: Bakugou, Denki, and Hawks

JJK: Sukuna and Mei Mei

Others: Kagami from KNB, Levi and Jean from AOT, and Mikoto Suoh from K

So if you want to know if i would date them irl that is below the cut lol

As for tagging... if you want to do it :) @eijirosriot @bokutosnumberonefan @hinosreis @tetsus-kitten @sugawarakoushihoe @mynameisjackattack and anyone else who wants to do one or both of these challenges.

Alright so would i date these men (+ mei mei) in real life. Short answer is yes lmao. Long answer, with some headcanons that may or may not  venture into 18+ category but only slightly. all aged up to be my age which is 26.

Atsumu - PLEASE, YES

we would be so chaotic together but he would also be really loving. As long as he can still prioritize me in a relationship, not over volleyball, just as much, then we will be golden. We would have such a good time and i feel like we would have a lot of fun bickering, which i really enjoy. Play fighting as a form of foreplay, if you will lmao. We’d probs be friends in HS and then get together after he starts playing for MSBY and he is secured in his position (and himself tbh). I just love this cocky bastard. he also gives me switch vibes and as a switch, i love that for me.

Daichi - YES

All i need is to be wrapped in his arms on the daily and i would be happy. Man would know how to take care of me and that is all. Love of my life, too good for this world. Wholesome husband. He would be able to manage my crazy side and chill me out when i get to anxious. I would want to be bratty just to get him to drop his good guy routine sometimes and I feel like he would like that.

Issei - YES

Funeral home employee can get it. Matsukawa Horse cock Issei can whisk me off my feet and straight into bed. we would have a lot of fun picking on oikawa together (out of love of course) but we would balance each other out a lot. His darker humor would go well against my lighter humor. Also I feel like our level of hotness is pretty comparable... like we aren't the prettiest in the friend group but still good (if that makes sense)

Bokuto - YES

Big ball of sunshine to light up my day, he would literally fuck the sad out of me every day I just know it. Like atsumu, as long as I am a priority to him itll work out. We also kind of have the same sad moods so I feel like we could either both just curl up on the couch together and watch a movie or bring the other out of a funk easily. I love this giant himbo so much.

Hinata - most likely yes

Pretty much the same reasons as bokuto but I feel like I would get drained of his energy faster, so he would def have to cuddle me more. For everyone else so far I can imagine being high school sweethearts, but with hinata i think he wouldnt settle down until later, or even start dating so it would probably be a lot of pining and watching him from the side lines for a while, which would be really hard tbh. but the way he would smile at me after a match would make it worth it so...

 Kyoutani - Hard YES

I love a boy with anger issues, what can i say... (cough couch my irl husband with anger issues couch couch) I would love to be his weak spot and the one person he would go to to help him not feel angry anymore. I think that my fun personality would help him to unbox himself a bit. I just want to give him cuddles and a place to feel accepted. id also i KNOW hes a monster in bed... 

Bakugou - FUCKING HARD YES, PLEASE

if he was real the things i would do to and for him... A lot like kyoutani i would want to give him a place where hes accepted, and a place where he is unconditionally loved. I would be able to handle his misguided anger and calm him down and give him space. I headcanon that hes very cuddly in private to just his S/O which is something that i love. I love his lil smirk and would do anything to get him to smirk at me. As long as he is able to set me as a priority it would work out, but that would be what he struggles with so it would be a thing we would have to talk about. But I also feel that once you say something about it he would check in with you because of course he has to be the best bf/husband. I feel like I could talk for hours about him so Ill just wrap it up by saying that I love me a passionate man who would probs be a lil possessive, and I would use that to my advantage. 

Denki - GOD YES

I really do think that denki and I are soulmates. we are both the perfect blend of funny, pervy, while still being soft. I feel like there would be a lot of mutual pining at first but he would end up the golden retriever gamer boy to my alt bisexual and thats just the perfect pairing. We would pull so much shit and then get away with it because thats just us being us. I see us being scolded by bakugou a lot for the stupid shit we would pull. Also late night drives in his shitty tuned car to taco bell while we sing alt rock songs from the 2010s. also the switch vibes are immaculate.

 Hawks - Probably

So it would honestly depend a lot on what version of hawks.. him in the hero commission is a no, because he wouldnt be able to be honest with me about a lot of stuff. Like his name, or when i can see him again, and that would give me too much anxiety. When hes free of them and is actually allowed to be himself I think it could work then. I know that he of course wants to still be the best hero, so he would have the same problems as bakugou with finding a balance, but if he wants to i think he could. He would also have a lot of trauma from his relationship with his parents and the commission so I dont know if he would be able to give his love away as freely as he wants so we could get therapy together. I love that for us. But i would happily wake up next to this beautiful birb man if he would have me.  

Sukuna - A hesitant yes

so.. the anger issues that ive mentioned before.. yes. I would like sukuna. I would be his lil bride and sit on his lap on his throne as long as he didnt kill my loved ones or my cats lmao. I would also be ok with being his and itadoris gf while hes living in itadoris head. being with him is just asking for an unhappy ending tho, whether its a life always on the run, or someones trying to kill me, or someones trying to kill him, or hes trying to kill someone. But yes i would like to be with him but that would mean sacrificing a lot. 

Mei Mei - god yessssss..

Please Mei Mei step on me and make me ur lil house wife. I see us living in a pent house apartment with the most breathtaking view of the Tokyo skyline. I would want for nothing and she could take me where ever she wanted and i would just follow her around with heart eyes.

 Kagami - YES

my basketball husband! i love him and would love to be loved by him. Id follow him wherever. He would take care of me and is just so dreamy.. also i guess the mild anger issues.. but hes really not that bad. He would just be such a good s/o. He would cook us nice dinners, wed have a few cats, and he would carry me around a lot because hes so strong. While were on the topic of strong... his stamina... everyone on this list probably has good if not great stamina... but kagami just hits different..... have you seen him in the zone? have you seen his thighs? his sex zone has got to be incredible. 

 Levi - Yes

I was going to say it depends, but really it doesn't... if were in the aot universe and hes my captain and I fall in love with him u can bet ur ass im gonna try and get with him because i could die at anytime. if its some au where he is here in our universe and somehow we meet... like of course im gonna be in love with him. our height difference isnt too bad, im only like an inch or 2 taller than him. I think we would both have a great time together. I would make him laugh, and he would help me clean, because lord knows I hate cleaning. BUT i hate cleaning because its something that I always have to do alone, and I feel like levi would have us be cleaning together like he makes the scouts do. and hes just so sexy... 

Jean - big yes

This beautiful handsome man... idk what to even say about him. Hes strong, funny, handsome, cocky, but very much full of love. would love to run away from the world with him. I feel like if he was in love with me before *tries not to give away spoilers* the marco incident (?) that after he would become very clingy and attached and im ok with that. There would have to be lots of cuddles and reassurances and i just want to see him happy and not at war, with both real life people and himself... id give him the best kisses and he would become addicted to them. 

Mikoto - No? But maybe...

I feel like we could be.. but if you watched the show then you know.. But i would love to be Homra’s princess TBH. No one would mess with me or they would have to face the wrath of my big fire boyfriend and his whole ass gang. But on the other hand I feel like Mikoto wouldnt allow himself to fall in love, so it would probably be a hush hush topic. everyone knows the boss and I are in an entanglement, but they cant talk about it. Then Anna starts asking questions to Mikoto and he has to come clean to her, which would be so cute. He tells her is a secret but she doesn't care lmao. in conclusion, I would want to, but I dont think he would let me.... Maybe friends with benefits tho....

............................................................................................

ok if you read all this im officially in love with you. Please take my heart. 

This took me like 2 hours to do because I love thinking about it so much. if you have any thoughts about any of this hop into my dms or comment on this because id love to hear them (especially if you think i belong with one more than the others lmao). 

[anxietysroomsupport]

Im in a bit of recovery from a restrictive eating disorder, and my life feels like chaos. Part of me wants to restrict again to get some control, but I'm too tired to and if my girlfriend finds out I don't know how she'll react. So instead of restricting I've turned to basically binging whenever I feel bad enough. I have a habit of making mistakes that hurt my girlfriend a lot, and every time I fuck up big time I'll binge. It's happened a lot and I don't know what to do. Is it my fault? Idk..

Hi Anon,

Recovering from eating disorders is hard and it’s great that you’re trying!  It’s actually really common for folks recovering from restrictive eating disorders to struggle with “binging”.  Here’s another blog’s post about why it can be so difficult and they list some additional sites to check out.  (The last link on their post is broken now, but the rest still work.)  The different links range a lot in tone and how much science is referenced, but they’re all really informative.

A word of caution on one of the links in the other post: the Fat Nutrionist mentions that eating something that could potentially kill you is still a choice you can make.  This is used as an extreme example of free will.  It is portrayed as a bad choice and should not be considered advocating for self-harm.  We want you to live pain-free and be happy.

The most brief and straight-forward link is here.  Essentially, it’s all about giving yourself permission to eat whatever, whenever.  It’s not your fault this is happening because this is just something that a lot of people experience after they’ve been restricting their food intake and it’s not actually that bad of a thing.

It also sounds like you’re dealing with a lot of guilt and really the only way to help with that is to practice self compassion and make sure you have good coping mechanisms like distractions, hobbies, and self care practices.  It’s okay that you’re at this stage.  It’s okay that you’re binge eating sometimes.  

It’s also okay that you make mistakes sometimes.  Everyone does.  Try talking to your girlfriend when things have cooled down a bit and maybe you can make a plan that works for both of you to either help you avoid making the same mistakes, or see if there are some areas where she could be a little more forgiving about things.  If she’s having a really strong reaction every time you slip up on something, it can be a lot to deal with emotionally.  

There are a lot of things to act on in this post, so just take your time and prioritize your own self care and happiness.  It can be a long process to fully regain positive feelings about food, but you can get there.  Be patient and forgiving of yourself.  You can do this.

-Kai, Miss Fay

[missing-my-griffin]

My useless & ranty thoughts on 607

This episode might be... my actual favorite episode ever???? Jesus I cried my eyes out for half of it. I just wanted to hug Clarke. She’s the most wonderful and selfless person ever, and guess what SEASON 1 CLARKE IS BACK. Imma write out my thoughts, just bc I feel like I can’t help it.

1) Clarke’s fight - The golden princess is finally back, and I am alive. it was all so genius?? She gave up, just like I thought she would. But it was the middle of the episode, and with everything that was teased, I didn’t think we were gonna leave J!Clarke’s minds the entire episode. So I was like.. huh?? How the fuck are we gonna save her? Her people won’t. For a fraction of a second I thought she’d think of Madi and Bellamy and change her mind and simply decide that she wants to live, but that would be selfish and very unlike Clarke. And then Monty strodes in, the light of my life, and they’re friends and they’re adorable and so smart, omg. And Clarke fucking realizes doing the right thing matters, and she wants to prioritize it over dying for her people?? Who might just be trapped within another tyranny anyways. Fucking.... amen. God. What the hell. Actual, literal S1 Clarke being back. The one who always goes above and beyond, who sacrifices the greater good for the individual if it’s the right thing to do. Who fought teeth and bone to save Jasper, a lost cause. Josephine calling her out on being a scared kid hiding behind the smokescreen image of a badass??? Clarke finding herself again with Monty and actually becoming said badass?? I am - ugh. god.

2) Monty and Clarke. They were absolutely my favorite thing this episode. Monty’s a ray of sunshine and embodies everything Clarke believes in; he was there in MW and backed her, he was there S5 and believed in her. He never ever blamed her for making the tough choice, he only ever blamed her for making the wrong one. Example the list. The list was wrong. Free will, sacrifice or chance, would have been right. A ranking of genes.. that’s wrong. And why did he rip into her for that? Bc he knew she should know better. Bc he believed in her. bc she messed up and used “my people” as an excuse. And then he was back this ep and he didn’t judge her, he helped her find her way and herself and just... name a more iconic duo. Ill wait. Okay, of course, Bellarke. But like... Clonty?? Close second this ep. I wish hed survived. They’d be the cutest bffs.

3) Octavia and Clarke -  fitting to have Octavia confront Clarke with her S5 actions. She was compared to O by Raven, called “worse”. Clarke believes it I think. But still, Octavia wasn’t malicious in her confrontation? A dry sarcastic lil bitch and Im loving her. Im in awe of their dynamic anyways and I wish they’d interact again irl. She also has no beef with S5 Octavia because she admired S4 Octavia, I think. The conclave and Octavia’s choice were heroic. Octavia was right, Clarke was wrong. Clarke knew what she did with the bunker was wrong. In hindsight, Clarke thinks she made those choices because she’s a bad person but she made them out of weakness, hopelessness and depression. Clarke ultimately feared Octavia’s choice would be her downfall bc there was a big chance theyd just all kill each other. It’s what happened sort of, it killed Octavia, so Clarke doesn’t judge her. But also, it was the right thing to do anyways: trying. This has been a long time coming. it was eating me up that they didnt face those things Clarke did, narratively. For humanity, that was her justification. That’s wrong. For her people. that’s also wrong. For your people. For people. That’s right. And you’ll catch me crying about this for years.

Octavia being a link between Clarke and bellamy, like always, also made me an emotional mess. Octavia calling her out on leaving Bellamy, even though she fucking threw him in the pit?? omg, hilarious. Clarke doesn’t blame Octavia. She blames herself. Can you believe?? Clarke arguing that Bellamy forgave her. Bellamy not being there bc she doesnt actually believe he did. Also, Clarke thinking Bellamy deep down thinks the worst things about her that she thinks about herself?? Im... not ok. We’ve been knew shes a walking self conscious mess with her heart ripped to pieces bc of bellamy. But confirmation is glorious. the poor girl. AND HE LOVES YOU YOU IDIOT. Which brings me to Pt:

4) Bellarke -- ahhhhh omg. The angst. The depth. What the hell. She couldn’t ‘face’ Bellamy. His voice was everywhere, all the time, it was so eerie, but we didnt see him once? Kill me. Would he have helped her if he was there? hated her? tried to kill her? Walked away? Given her a friendshippy hug and been totally un-in-love contrasting irl Bellamy?? Clarke didnt want to know, so we don’t know. and also, projection bellamy alone could have filled the entire ep in her mind. it would have introduced too many themes into one episode, so Im completely ok with not seeing him. if they’d done anything more than slightly mention Bellamy, they would have opened Pandora’s box. This is so good.

5) Bellamy murder face Blake is back again and he WILL save his wife.

6) lastly: “be the good guys.” Felt so hollow all season. They were preaching it over and over, do better, be better, but like... there was no heart. They were all ‘we shan’t break into this building! That’s not being the good guys!” Did they even understand what Monty meant by that? Turns out they didn’t. Now they do though!! Or; Clarke does. What an episode. I absolutely cannot fucking wait for next week.

[in-tua-deep]

thank u for also seeing Allison as the aggressor and Patrick as a good person/parent. i love Allison but you know when Diego gets on her case? that's me,im mad, Diego knows her well enough to guess what she did and it sucks but she deserves it. i want their relationship to get better though (patrick and allison) even though im not sure how you could trust someone like that around your own kid, even their other parent. yeah she needs so much therapy

I MEAN i think they’re both at fault here - communication is a two way street and they clearly had some sort of a discussion about not using Allison’s powers on Claire before the Final Incident happened. Patrick probably should have put his foot down about therapy before it was court mandated or, and this is the option I would have had them go with, actually address the cause of Allison’s use of powers. Which are: when she feels in over her head and doesn’t know the appropriate response a parent would give a child acting out

so what they probably should have done is signed Allison up for parenting classes or between them organized a system with a check list of appropriate responses and steps to take when Allison was feeling over her head - foremost of which should have been calling Patrick over or telling Claire that she would call Patrick over for assistance

I mean just make a check list between them of like,, Claire is being a brat: what do you do? Step one: explain your reasoning behind whatever action you’re taking to Claire, because sometimes kids are resistant when they don’t understand. Allison could have explained that she herself was tired and going to bed, or that she doesn’t want Claire to be grumpy in the morning. Or she could have compromised. She could have asked if it would be alright to have an extra story tomorrow or some other form of compromise. 

But Allison’s experience with child rearing is Reginald raising her as more of a drill sergeant than a father and the expectation of instant obedience so honestly it isn’t really very out there that Allison would struggle with a defiant child because literally all of the options she knows about parents enforcing obedience are… probably really bad

and when you look at it like that, Allison probably saw rumoring Claire as a far better alternative to anything that Reginald could think up as suitable punishment for an unruly child

and I think that if Patrick listened to her and they went to therapy together they could have a serious conversation about Allison’s upbringing, her powers, and how they’ve impacted her relationships and how she approaches problems and figure out healthy ways to address those 

(I mean,, I’m still for supervised visits only for a long while though)

I don’t blame Patrick for immediately jumping to divorce, because that’s his child and I think it’s good that his first immediate instinct is to protect his child and prioritizing her over his relationship with Allison. But I do think the whole situation could be handled better on both sides - but hey, emotions run hot especially when the safety of a child is involved so I won’t judge it too harshly

I’m really curious about Allison’s backstory though and how she met Patrick/all that. I have absolutely no idea how old Claire is beyond “over four years old” because Luther knew about her before he went to the moon?? Presumably the divorce itself is… fairly recent? I’m gonna tentatively place her at six for the purpose of my headcanons and stuff with her though

Which I mean,, she would have had Claire at what? 22? 23? 24? I’m turning 22 in a month y’all and that feels really young to me. Maybe because my mum waited until she was 30 to have kids and a lot of the people I know are deciding to wait? She was 34 when she had me gosh

So if she had Claire at like, 23 - how old was she when she met Patrick? Was Claire planned? An accident? How many years were they together figuring each other out before they moved in together and had a kid? Was Patrick Allison’s only romantic relationship in her life (we don’t count Allison/Luther in this house) because I seriously doubt Reginald Hargreeves would have allowed her to have a boyfriend,, or any friends really

Allison and Patrick probably had issues before Claire was born tbh, because Allison is really messed up from. you know. her entire childhood. Personally if I started dating a former child superhero, my very first interactions would be like,, “Oh holy shit you were fighting armed robbers when I was knee deep in my goddamn naruto phase, are you in therapy? I feel like being a child soldier should get you some discounts on therapy or something oh my god”

and I’m 100% sure that Allison’s first issues did not pop up with Claire. Doesn’t even have to be rumoring issues, could just be the very concerning comments about her childhood or the offhand way she describes her relationship with her siblings. Hell, maybe the big old book of trauma that Vanya published. Because it doesn’t take too much of a leap to say “Vanya Hargreeves got fucked up, maybe the rest of the family is also fucked up over their childhoods considering that Vanya wasn’t even the one in the middle of gunfire watching people get murdered and occasionally doing that murdering”

Maybe Patrick ignored the signs because he loved her. Maybe he did bring it up, and Allison waved him off. Maybe he kept his silence because he didn’t know how to approach her. Maybe he just genuinely didn’t think any of those signs were a problem. We don’t know which is why I genuinely can’t point a finger at a bad guy in the relationship

because yeah, Allison rumored her kid - but when you consider what else she was drawing on it might very well have been a merciful option in her mind. Especially as Reginald probably didn’t see a problem in her rumoring anyone who wasn’t him and likely actively encouraged it as training. I feel like it’s implied she used to rumor a lot, especially since Luther’s very first thought at Allison having issues in her life is for Allison to use her rumor powers.

Allison honestly might not have even realized it was considered ‘bad’ to rumor other people and overwrite their wills until she was out of the house?? maybe Patrick was the first to bring it up to her? or maybe it was someone else

there’s just so much we don’t knOW

just get her some therapy. get patrick some therapy. hell, get claire some therapy. get this whole ass family some therapy.

[sunlit-helix]

learning how computers work again. Very long post about CPU research for a workstation.

since im rambling about computers im typing out my thought process and maybe ill link it to a few nerds to see if my conclusions make sense or not.

Purposes for building my computer as a workstation:

Primary Goals: Efficiency at 3D rendering. Primarily using C4D, but in the long run, probably Blender. 4K footage processing.

Secondary Goals: Efficient in Adobe suite. Primarily After effects, Premiere, Media encoder.

Tertiary goals: Gaming.

My first question was: Should I render using my CPU or my GPU? Several quick google searches told me the choice did not matter much, it was mostly project dependent. Well I already have a decent GPU in my gtx 970, so let’s put off buying a new video card for now, and get a really good processor

Second question is:Single-Core or Multi-Core focus?

I read two articles. this one and this one

They both give CPU recommendations based on different factors. I learned something important, some processors are better at editing and gaming, and others are better at rendering and exporting. Basically, some processors are better at doing one thing really well(single-core speed), while others are better at doing lots of things somewhat well (multi-core speed).

I compared CPU’s by cinebench score. I use Cinema 4D for most of my rendering, so using a benchmark for telling me how fast something is in the program I use? pretty good. These are the charts I stared at for 27 years.

The articles I read suggested getting processors that are high end in both single core and multicore, so they’re just generally good at both things. Well, trouble is, those are really expensive. Processors that prioritize just one or the other are a bit cheaper, funny enough.

So for options under $1,000 I was deciding between the i9-9900k and the Threadripper 2950x, along with the other threadrippers. This took a long time to decide. the i9 is about $500 while the threadripper is $800. on paper the cinebench score is about 1,000 points higher, which about 38% higher. It took me some research to find out if that actually means it’s 38% faster at rendering and it turns out that’s true. But the ‘proof’ is a little shaky, I watched this video (x) with very few views, but actually watching the benchmark as it’s happening is convincing enough. If I’m going to be rendering videos in 4K I like, 40% is big. that’s the difference between a project taking 10 hours and 14 hours. 20 hours and 28 hours.

Here’s where things get a little more subjective.

The stats didn’t totally convince me. I mean, i can render 3D images out as PNG sequences, meaning that I can render a bunch of images overnight, and if it’s not done, I can use the computer during the day, and start rendering where I left off the night before. Having a computer that’s fast at rendering isn’t *Super* important for just rendering.

Likewise, Having a desktop that’s super good at single core either isn’t the most important thing ever. every 3d modelling program has ‘subdivision surfaces’ meaning that you can preview and edit models at lower resolution and render them at higher ones than the ones you’re editing. I could see having a good single core processing being good at sculpting and certain simulations, but... I hate sculpting. I hate character design in 3D in general. rotopology fucking sucks.

But one thing I remembered is that you are constantly rendering things as you’re editing them, while adjusting lighting and shaders. Having a better processor for rendering is going to massively speed up the workflow, not just the exporting and rendering process. 

Also, I’ve been... pretty content with the speed of editing -not rendering- in general with my 3D programs. Sometimes my scenes get too complicated but I can usually tell you why and adjust my viewport, and hide objects to compensate. So let me think, if I’m pretty content with the speed already, what’s the point of getting something spectacularly good?

Let’s compare single core Speed, AKA speed of editing, not rendering, using Cinebench scores.

The average score of the processor I’m currently using for editing, the  i5-6300HQ, is 131

The speed of the threadripper 179

The score of the I9 is 218

So whatever I pick, It’s going to be faster. And not constrained to a shitty laptop.

Meanwhile, Let’s compare the scores for multi-core processing.

the i5, my laptop, is about 466 

the i9 is about 2,000

the threadripper 2950x is about 3,200.

no matter what I get it’s a HUGE leap, but the threadripper is an even bigger leap over the i9. So if my issue is rendering, then this solves that issue. Still funny though, the I9 is far from a bad choice, it is after all, 4x faster than my current renderer. But it’s also not 6x faster. It is $300 cheaper though.

And for single core rendering, the difference between 179 and 218 isn’t huge. It’s not minor either, but it’s not nearly as big as the difference in rendering.

So I go back to my original goals. I want a computer to render out 4K footage so I don’t have to rent a render farm, or at least don’t have to do it that much. I don’t want to skimp out on computer parts, but I want things to be within a decent budget to. Waiting till I have the money to get the thread ripper makes the most sense.

BUT WAIT, I JUST SAW A REDDIT COMMENT. it says that it makes more sense to get a good video card than a processor. Well, I thought I solved that problem but I couldn’t find a good benchmark, so let’s research it again. I searched around a bit and finally found a benchmark that can compare CPU’s to GPU’s for rendering. Let’s figure this out once and for all. (article here)

VRAY PROCESSOR SCORES

Vray Video card scores.

I wish that these had prices listed next to them but basically heres my interpretation.

The threadripper 2950x is $800, and renders the benchmark in 40 seconds

the the cards that come close are the 2080TI and the TITAN XP which are both well over $1000.

The cards that beat it are 2 1080 TI’s which together will be over $1,500 and the titan V which is like over $2,000.

So my conclusion is, then, this processor about as good as all these cards but at a significantly cheaper price. This allows me to skip buying a good video card, and instead I’ll just put the 970 thats in my current laptop into my new computer. And in terms of gaming? This thing has been bottle necked by my decade-old processor the AMD phenom 2 x4 black edition that’s even worse than my laptop processor. I’m going to get a performance boost just by having my GPU free from a shitty processor.

Also while researching I just found out there is a benchmark site for blender, and it lists two gtx 970′s as having a time of 39 seconds which is really close to the thread ripper. So I suppose, then, an option would be to get a worse processor and another 970, but running two GPU’s has it’s own problems isn’t significantly cheaper than just getting one processor to handle the problems. Most games don’t take advantage of two video cards, many rendering programs only use the CPU and not the GPU. I haven’t done much research but I’m fairly sure having two video cards wouldn’t help render anything in media encoder/after effects any better. Having a better processor has more versatility than having two video cards, if they have the same speed. At least, that’s my conclusion for now, I haven’t found anything to prove otherwise.

Lastly, I’ve some research told me that adobe doesn’t support AMD processors as well as intel. this could be an issue since I’ll be putting everything through after effects and then exporting in media encoder, and maybe using premiere. So I looked up some benchmarks on that.

Seems fine to me.

Perhaps this amount of research has been overkill but It’s what I need to do to justify spending this much money on something. It’s worth researching because your individual needs might not be the same as everyone elses. I think the 2950x is my best option for rendering right now while still being good at single core stuff even if it’s not the “best” it’s still good.

It does mean the build will be more expensive though, so I’m still expecting to wait at least 4 more months savings before I build this machine.

I still have to research motherboards, Psu’s, ram, those PCI storage cards that are apparently faster than SSD’s and cheaper. I have a case picked out but since those are largely subjective I don’t like, have to decide on one yet either.

If you bothered to read this, thanks for reading and let me know if my reasoning is alright or bad!

[liliumwallichianum]

07.01.21

Happy July Y’all 

since therapy got cancelled today, here’s my brain dump/letter to my therapist 

Hi M******, thanks for cancelling today I really could not handle a therapy session LOL but most importantly why is it that I felt so bad for cancelling last minute to the point where I DIDNT EVEN CANCEL and just got lucky that you cancelled instead?! Like IM paying YOU I should be comfortable with just being like bye flaking today sorry. But yeah idk it’s that whole I need to be LESS polite and prioritize myself thing. anyways 

I feel...... good? and I’m gonna do two journal prompts to share with you but before I do that I just wanna say that I really start school/step studying for good in like 5 days and I’m scared because I don’t wanna be a fuck up and I wanna actually apply myself but I also know that the doctor is gonna tell me to go on some type of medication which like is fine with me at this point bc it’s STEP 1 this determines my entire career/future lifestyle so I’m willing to do anything at this point and lowkey kinda wish my mother had listened to the pediatrician that told her that I have ADD and shouldve gotten screened but whatever no ragrets focusing only on the future. Things I really need to do this time around 

1) prioritze me prioritize me prioritize me

2) ignore boys besides AL + AN maybe AK if he’s not being a cuck 

3) be fearless, be confident

4) stick to a routine

5) do not withdraw when burnt out, lean on your family for support instead

6) stop listening to music when studying lmfao

7) #1 again imma reiterate this please stop caring what’s going on w your parents just trust that they’ll figure it out and all they want is for you to be successful and they understand you gotta do what you gotta do 

okay journal prompts

#1 what would perfect day look like for you tomorrow? 

in an ideal world, i would for starters not be living with my parents. maybe i’d live next door to them? haha jk. okay i’d ideally wake up at 5:30am, hit the gym with a boo thang, grab a protein shake, come home shower get ready, meditate, make a matcha or a coffee, have an almond biscotti while reading or watching YT videos, head to a library, take 2 uworld blocks and get 85%+ on them, review them, eat a buddha bowl for lunch, finish studying by 4, go for a walk or hike with my puppy and boo thang, come home, make dinner with a glass of wine, eat dinner while watching a movie or tv show or whateva maybe have a friend or two come over too, maybe another glass of wine (or i guess kombucha because i’ve been loving a sober life now), have a night cap sex sesh, ktfo at 9:30pm 

i know i’m really boring but this is all i long for these days in my boring life

#2 list some emotions u avoid trying to feel + y do you avoid trying to feel them

failure, rejection, vulnerable

failure - this is for obvious reasons. i just dont wanna hear it from my parents lmfao 

rejection - again obvious i have an ego but tbh i dont think i avoid this, i think i just dont like feeling this way.. i’m kinda hella okay with rejection and understand it’s impossible to be everyone’s cup of tea

vulnerable - oh idk cause the last time i was vulnerable i was sexually traumatized and gas lighted and taken advantage of by a psycho narcissist ? obvious

 i like feeling SAFE if that wasn’t clear

[idkguessiwillbloghere]

Blog Post #7

Feeling: Irritated Weather: Sunny and hot Last thing I ate: Spaghetti Last thing I drank: Hot chocolate Talking to some random guy on Tinder. He seems chill. I’m not attracted to ‘im, I’m just seeing where it goes. Maybe we become friends, maybe fuck buddies, maybe my mild demi proclivities make it into something more. I don’t have it specified on my profile what I want, I just have basic expectations for any relationship laid out. We’re chatting pretty fluently though, which is cool. Whatever this ends up being, even if it’s just one good chat, it’s nice. I also chatted with a friend of mine today. That was less nice; it felt like we were both uncomfortable and that the convo was a little forced. I think we chatted more out of wanting to check on each other rather than interact, which I guess is okay. I’m noticing that I’m starting to go back to how I used to be, where I had less and less interest in hanging with people, and more in just researching things and reading about science. I suppose a good thing for now, at least. I’d say it’s probably healthier than wallowing in saudade while I can’t be around everyone I like. Regaining my comfort in my solitude would be a generally healthy thing for me, I think. It’s friggen hot out already. I hate it. Just opened a window. I hope this summer doesn’t end up super hot, I’ll be fuckin’ miserable if it does. I’ve honestly been enjoying the cold weather lately, but I’m starting to see bugs coming in. I love the birds though. I was woken up by a woodpecker today, but other than that, the bird songs are super nice to listen to. Not the most relaxing thing, for some reason, but nice in a different way. And it’ll at least be nice to take walks outside again without having to worry about all the snow. I’d like to do a bit of bike riding. Maybe go for a walk with some friends. I’ve been grinding my teeth a lot, which really sucks ‘cause my teeth are already shitty, this just makes it so much worse. I really don’t want to have to go to the dentist during all these COVID peaks, but I might not have a choice here, pretty soon. I think some of my fillings are coming loose, or at least need to be refilled. It’d be good to do while I still have insurance. And I need new glasses, too. Shit, I’ll have to make some calls, soon. This reminds me that I ought to brush my teeth today as well. Fuck, heh. I’m worried about my alcohol intake. I’m not drinking a lot; haven’t had anything since I made a post about it, but I’m craving it a bit more. That bothers me a lot. I know I’m prone to alcoholism, it’s a genetics thing, but I also don’t want to become dependent, addicted, so on. I’m getting to a point where I’m gonna become more financially independent, and I always said that the one reason I’m not an alcoholic is because I can’t afford to be. I kinda hope that stays true, or at least that I get into a better mindset to abstain. Really don’t want to add alcoholism to my list of issues, I have more than enough. It’s not even the inebriation that I’m craving as much as it is just the taste. It’s kinda like craving the taste of black coffee; it’s not like a GOOD taste, but it’s specifically craving a bad taste. That happens with me a lot, I’m not entirely sure why. Watching Family Guy again. Rewatching the episode commentaries. I enjoy those a lot. I don’t care too much about the “how we did this” information as much as I do the banter. Ah, and a nice breeze just came through the window, that’s relaxing to me. I wanted to take a bath today, but I honestly don’t feel motivated enough, at this point. Fuck and it’s Friday, too. I guess I’ll call the places I applied to for a job, see if they respond on Monday. Today’s my T shot day, too; something I gotta poke my doctors for a prescription refill for. That and my sleep meds. All these health things I gotta remember to do, heh. That and the things my therapist told me to do for my triggers. I haven’t looked at those lists since my session; been a little intimidated, honestly. Or perhaps it’s better to classify it as getting overprotective of my unhealthy coping habits; shirking the new stuff just ‘cause it’s new. I did appreciate my therapist this last time, though, I was going on about how I was doing all these semi-healthy yet unproductive distraction type things whenever I’m triggered, and when we got going on about doing healthier things and I was resisting, he was like, “Well, you said you’re doing those other things to distract yourself when you’re triggered, why can’t you do the healthier things to distract yourself too?” And I was about to argue, but I paused and thought about it and was like, “You know what, you’re right.” Fuck you, you’re right, lol. Now I just gotta do ‘em, heh. My financial advisor also gave me some homework, and my doctor wanted me to send her some documents; I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed. Might have to drop some things, for now. Prioritize. Yeah, my therapist is probably right, I probably ought to wait for any intimate, long-term relationship shit, for now. Doesn’t mean I don’t want it in the meantime, but it’d probably be easier. Idk, I’d at least like to establish potential candidates, for now. Not like I expect anyone to wait for me while I get my shit together, but I’d like to experiment with dating. It’ll be helpful for whenever I do find someone/s I may like to settle on for a while (I say it that way ‘cause I don’t expect anyone to want to stay with me forever, it’d be a very long time, but who knows, I guess). Ugh, my teeth hurt. I’m gonna go brush ‘em.

[pidgezero-one]

yesterday was a holiday so here's a pastebin tuesday

good:

no reset marathon was awesome as always. thank you everyone who supported as a viewer or donator, especially fawful for dropping a fuckton of donations and invariel for saving me when my housing plans fell through at 2 am. i'm really lucky to be able to do what I do and have the support of wonderful friends.

speaking of wonderful friends, the day after I got back from no reset i finally talked things through (happened kinda randomly...) with my best friend I had a falling out with, and we're on good terms again. there are no words that can describe how happy I am about this and I hope our friendship can go on to be something that's healthy for both of us. it's so surreal that that lingering dull feeling of regret and sadness that's been weighing me down for so long is just all of a sudden gone. this is the timeline I wanted but thought would never happen. i never stopped caring about him even if I had to be distant for a while and I think we understand and forgive each other and are ready to just move on. neither one of us was antagonistic or malicious no matter how painful it was and I guess that made it way easier lol. definitely been in higher spirits bc of this

elm and flek coming over on the weekend was fun, I love those guys. wish elm lived closer so we could do it more often

I fucking love how I look now and i've never ever felt this way about myself in my life.

bad:

my 2 main hangout spots are not somewhere I feel really "safe" right now, and that sucks. one has too many people with too much interpersonal drama with each other and I dont want to fucking deal with it. the other is somewhere I now share with someone who broke my heart that im not over yet, and I made the mistake of saying it was fine. i thought it was fine, but i was wrong, im not over it at fucking all. i dont really know how to handle interacting with someone who did a lot of wonderful things for me but also hurt me badly in ways that were like... not accidental, not heat of the moment. and it makes me want to keep interactions distant and minimal. hard to explain. feels like im unappreciative of what he did for me but at the same time, im still very "what the *fuck?*" over how he chose to end things. just awkward and stressful for me in my 2 homes and i hate that it's like this. dont really have it in me to seek out a new one either.

neutral:

i said I was hustling as hard as I can this year to stabilize and be able to attend more stuff. that's going pretty well. my debt is close to paid off, and i've spent the last week working on input display adapters and twitch emotes. any money I can raise is good, but i'd rather work for it than ask for it. (not that I dont want donations and stuff lol but my first option will always be to earn it). that means I have less time to stream, but i'm just prioritizing. (if you're curious about the full list of stuff I can be commissioned for, check out my list at http://pidgezero.one)

that's about it for the week

[lady-pei]

hiya! so i saw that ask you answered about the AA s3 finale & it made me really want to watch the show to see how it portrays their relationship, but im moving into college tomorrow, and im afraid if i don't start now, i'll never get around to it bc lack of time?? so i was wondering if you had the time, could you share which episodes are Essential(tm) for AA!stony, so i know which ones to prioritize if i don't get to watch them all? i 100% understand if you can't, but if you do, tysm in advance!

oh my goodness! well first off, congratulations on starting your freshman year at college! I hope it’s positively wonderful. Second, I’d be happy to give you the Essential™ list of AA episodes to watch (though I will say the episodes with stevetony moments far outnumber the ones without, so if you do get the chance, definitely watch the show the whole way through!)

Season 1:

Ep. 1 + 2 (”The Avengers Protocol”): the show is literally gay from the start. Tony saves Steve, Steve saves Tony, and there’s lots of gentle cradling and heartfelt speeches to be had.

Ep. 6 (“Super-Adaptoid”): you could cut the sexual tension with a knife in this episode. There’s lots of banter, a [redacted] shower scene, and a plethora of moments that destroy the “Steve Rogers is incompetent with technology” trope.

Ep. 7 (“Hyperion”): this episode is worth watching simply for the “I’d hate to be on the other end of that grunt” scene.

Ep. 13 (“In Deep”): the crown jewel of AA episodes. Steve and Tony role-play as bad guys while beating up the bad guys, and Clint finally catches on to their ““(b)romance.””

Ep. 16 (“Bring on the Bad Guys”): Red Skull predicts that Tony would jeopardize any mission just to keep Steve safe. He’s right.

Ep. 17 (“Savages”): Steve and Tony make a bet, the team gets stuck in the Savage Land, and the day is saved almost exclusively by Steve’s faith in Tony’s genius.

Ep. 22 (“Guardians and Space Knights”): Tony goes rogue to save the planet. Steve disapproves, but really is just glad he makes it out alive.

Ep. 25 (“Exodus”): Tony is scared he’s leading the team to their deaths, Steve just wants his co-leader back, and the two share a romantic moment under the stars.

Ep. 26 (“The Final Showdown”): “Iron or no, you’re still the man!” Enough said.

Season 2: 

Ep. 33 (“The Age of Tony Stark”): hands down the best AA episode of all time. Tony is de-aged, Steve is both supportive and starstruck, and long emotional hugs are shared.

Ep. 34 (“Head to Head”): the body swap episode. Also, Steve and Tony plan an implied shawarma date.

Ep. 35 (“The Dark Avengers”): in which Tony flirting with Steve is constant across all realities. Also: “told you if you fell backwards I’d catch you.”

Ep. 39 (“Thanos Triumphant”): Thanos underestimates just how Extra Steve and Tony can be. Also, this episode contains Steve’s most dramatic “IRON MAN!!!!” shout of despair to date.

Ep. 40 (“Crack in the System”): Tony breaks Steve’s trust, and Steve breaks up with Tony the team.

Ep. 41 (“Avengers Disassembled”): Steve and Tony bicker like a divorced couple that desperately doesn’t want to admit they still care for each other. No one is amused (especially Spider-Man). 

Ep. 44 (“The Ultron Outbreak”): Steve and Tony finally make up. Home of the famous “taking a risk that ends of saving the world? Tony does that five times before breakfast” line. 

Ep. 45 (“Spectrums”): worth watching simply for this gratuitous “don’t worry I’ll catch you” scene

Ep. 51 (“New Frontiers”): if I could rename this episode, I’d call it “gays in space.” 

Season 3: 

Ep. 53 (“Adapting to Change”): The flirting in this episode is just off the charts. Probably my third favorite AA episode of all time. 

Ep. 55 (“Saving Captain Rogers”): Tony proves that he’s Cap’s #1 fanboy and teams up with Natasha to save him from Baron Zemo. Plus, everyone in this episode looks extra pretty. Good job animators 👍

Ep. 63 (“The Kids Are Alright”): Steve and Tony adopt Ms. Marvel and Inferno. That’s pretty much the whole episode.

Ep. 66 (“Seeing Double”): Hulk is brainwashed, Natasha fights her duplicate, and Steve and Tony make a great (if not slightly intense) tag team.

Ep. 69 (“Panther’s Rage”): T’Challa is a true delight, and Steve and Tony are married as fuck.

Ep. 71 (“The House of Zemo”): Nat, Clint, and Sam get stuck in 1943 and meet preserum Steve, while present-day Steve is just relieved (and proud) that his boyfriend’s a genius. 

Ep. 78 (“Civil War Part 4: Avengers Revolution”): The most bittersweet season finale of all time. Ultron is an asshole that just won’t die, and when things go south, Steve and Tony share an intimate moment in front of the entire team.

Happy watching! 😄