#my thoughts are just starting to thrive for the backstory stuff thanks to all your asks!

[meraki-yao]

An exchange student from Canada saw me crying and gave me a tissue. We talked. He's really nice. I'm sane now.

This is going to be a full vent. This is my full story on this situation. Only read if you want to and if you're okay with it. Also warning, this is long as fuck, I really trauma dumped here.

tw: suicidal thoughts, self-harm

Backstory: High School

I was labelled as a jack of all trades, master of none. I'm naturally a more art/social science/emotion/humanities person, but I took STEM subjects in high school (Physics, Chemistry, Information & Technology/ Computer, and Calculus & Algebra), partly because these subjects had objective, standard answers, which supposedly makes getting marks in exams easier, partly because I felt like I had to as my parents are both PhD in engineering, and at that point I still thought I had to be "my parents' daughter".

So throughout high school, all my external achievements were humanities/arts related while my studies were STEM orientated. But I struggled a lot with my STEM subjects (except for Computer because a lot of that is just stuff you would know if you use one a lot), and I mean, a lot. As in failing quizzes, fucking up assignments. Thank God I had really kind teachers who cared more about my mental health than my grades and were willing to help and accommodate my needs. But there were many times when I straight up broke down during a lesson and ran off to the social worker's. I skipped several lessons because I just couldn't go to class and try to listen when voices in my head were all yelling at how much of a useless piece of shit I was. I would spend three hours on a single question, and still get it wrong. It always felt like no matter what I did, I would go nowhere. And it didn't help that when I asked for help from my parents, their response would always first be "How can you not know something so simple". By senior year I gave up and started asking my friends and the internet.

On the contrary, I thrived in my language classes and liberal studies class. Even if I initially sucked due to the change in the system, I asked, I studied, I worked and I improved. I got somewhere. Effort paid off in a fair ratio. I never needed to ask my parents anything about that. I never needed to ask anyone other than my teacher. I loved doing my homework in those subjects. My writings were printed out as examples for the whole class. It was great.

Backstory: College Selection

By the time college choices rolled around I had no idea what to choose. At the same time, my mother was also suggesting I go to mainland Chinese universities for my undergrad, and I didn't want that. Going to the States or the UK wasn't affordable for my family, so I opted to stay local, to the dismay of my whole extended family.

So in the mess of all of this and no parental support because they are Chinese stereotypes who think the only courses worth studying are doctor and lawyer, my school's career counsellor suggested Bachelor of Arts and Studies to me (here's their website) a new personalized interdisciplinary degree in HKU. And I was so happy. It felt right. It felt like putting a on tailored dress. And despite my parents' protest, I put that as my first choice.

College entrance exams came and went. Overall I did pretty well. Got top scores in Chinese, English, Liberal Studies, and Computer. Got average for Chemistry, Math and Physic despite spending most of my study leave on these subjects. Just passed Calculus.

So the way the local system works (it's called JUPAS if you wanna look it up) is that by the end of November, you need to submit your 20 university programme choices, but after the public exam result is released, you're assigned 24 hours to change your choices.

And this is where everything started going to hell for me.

My parents, who in the first round of selection, compromised and let me put what I wanted, looked at my marks, and my choices, and vetoed everything. They said I'm not gonna get a job with an interdisciplinary degree, there's no career path for psychology, that the arts and science degree was created because the art, social science and science faculty didn't have that many people.

A different advisor, one who didn't know me personally suggested my current programme: biomedical engineering, which basically combines medicine with engineering. They said it's a lucrative career since health service is in demand, and with my basis in STEM subject I would do well, and that it's easier to go from a science subject to humanities if I want to do something different in post-grad than vice versa. By this time I had 2 hours left before confirmation.

If we were to completely ignore me as an individual, they're right. This would be the logical choice.

But at that point, I already knew it felt wrong. But unfortunately for me, all I could say is it felt wrong, which isn't a strong rebuttal.

With no "logical" rebuttal, two yelling parents and a fucked up head, sobbing, I changed my first choice to this programme. I cut my arm with a cutter over the myriad of scars I gave myself over the years. I told my best friend who was asking if I was ok, that I'll give it a go, and if it doesn't work I'll find a way out. I told the rest of my close friends that my undergrad will be me paying a debt to my parents, and I'd figure out my own dream in the future.

I shouldn't have caved in.

Back Story: University

University started. Immediately it felt wrong. Save for my elective (HKU has this really cool thing called Common Core, look it up if you're interested but essentially it's compulsory electives) I felt so detached from my engineering courses. I couldn't explain, just an inherent feeling that I don't belong here.

It didn't help that it was at this time that I realized I straight-up don't like biology.

Managed through year 1 first semester with average grades. Semester 2 I didn't have any courses directly related to the programme save for a probability & stats course that I fucked my way through. The rest of my grades were pretty good, even got two A- s. The feeling that I didn't belong persisted but popped up a little less.

Now: Breaking

Year 2 came, and from the moment in August when I had to sign up for courses, the feeling of wrongness came back in full force, amplified, even. It felt all-consuming.

This is from my diary:

"I don't wanna be here. I don't want this degree. I don't want this career God I don't want it. It's doesn't fit. I don't fit in this space. This isn't mind. It feels like dysmorphia. It feels like tar, black and toxic and vicious, sticking to my skin, trying to mould my body into something I'm not, to seep into my skin and dye my blood a dull shade of grey. I wanna fucking run away. I wanna fucking die. I don't fucking know what to do."

You guys kind of know the rest, because that's when I met you guys and started feeling safer here than anywhere else, and vented here. But for reference

September

October

November

December

January, January, Fuck you January

I skipped class. I got antidepressants. I binge ate and became overweight. Failed three classes. Parents didn't find out anything until the grades came out. Then they lost their mind.

Now: Not Enough

They blamed me for not trying hard enough.

They said oh failures happen, you have to learn from your mistakes and try again.

I have to set up a proper routine. Dedicate all my time and energy to staying physically healthy and studying. Spent my "free time" thinking. I even got berated for listening to music with headphones on.

Dad asked me why did I fail biochemistry. I said it was hard, the pace was fast, and I don't like the subject. He said there's no point in not liking it.

Mom said I needed to get rid of the idea that this degree is against me and accept it, that I shouldn't dwell on what-ifs from the past, and all the reasons they convinced me to choose this still stands, that learning is a fun and interesting thing that I should take joy in, that I won't be able to handle being a psychiatrist, that I used to be such a star student what the fuck happened to me, that each path has their own difficulties and I'm already on this road so why won't I just keeping going for the next two years, that if I quit and start over I'll be older than my cohort and my friends will all graduate before me and why won't I just follow the normal path dammit

SO EVERYTHING IS MY FUCKING FAULT HUH??

I don't fucking know anymore.

Now: The present

The reason I was crying earlier, was that I went to have a meeting with an academic advisor to ask about the possibility of transferring to a different programme.

There are two ways.

One, apply for an internal transfer by June. But that requires exceptional grades, and I don't have that.

Two, quit university and re-apply with my college entrance exam results. But then none of the credits I earned in the past two years will be transferred. All will expire. I went through shit for nothing except to confirm my mistake is a mistake.

I might figure something out when I'm not crying my brains out but right now neither option sounds like an option to me.

I could barely ask anything intelligent afterwards because I was trying so hard to stop myself from breaking down immediately.

Now: How I feel

I'm not supposed to feel like this. This is not normal. This is not how my university life is supposed to go. It cannot be normal to want to die every day.

The moment I realised this was fundamentally wrong was when I looked at my high school friends' social media, and saw them living their best lives: dating, joining the committee of societies, getting awards and scholarships, jobs and internships, travelling, going to parties, everything a young person should be doing. My best friend is chasing her dreams to became an actress at NYU TISHC, already getting paids acting jobs at year 1, going to prominent events, maintaining a 3.9 GPA, goes out partying all while maintaining a long distance relationship with her athletes boyfriend who is the best of the best in Asian youth, handsome, and just a great guy in general.

I'm supposed to be on the same level as them.

I'm from an elite class of an elite school in an elite city. I've been on city radio four times and city-wide broadcast television once. I was on four department/society committees, two of which I was chairlady. I wrote and directed my own play. My name was followed by seven internal awards when it was my turn to get my diploma during the graduation ceremony. I aced my classes. My drawing and writing had been in my school's anthology and yearbook. I genuinely enjoyed learning.

I'm not supposed to be this.

I'm not supposed to be this depressed, overweight person who can't get out of bed and skips classes and fails courses. I'm not supposed to be this stagnant, I was always moving. I was always giving it my 100%. I'm not supposed to not make any friends and want to stay in my bed all the time. I'm not supposed to be insomniac, or sick, or depressed, or overweight.

I was always fighting.

I don't have any energy in me anymore to fight.

I'm not supposed to turn out like this. This isn't who I want to be/ I hate whoever I am now. This isn't right.

But I'm fucking stuck, I don't know what's the truth, I don't know how valid "I don't like this" is.

A lot of people tell me to just ignore what my parents say but it's really not that simple. I only realized they can hurt me despite loving me and it's not my fault last year. And even then it's hard to stay firm on this belief. Because truthfully, I don't know what's right, I only know what feels wrong.

Fuck this. I want to fast forward until the day I figure shit out. I want to live here on Tumblr.

Fuck everything.

[uglypastels]

okay getting to the other stuff now that i’ve said my piece about the heart-wrenching cliffhanger you’re going to keep me up at night with lmao

- he was scared of losing her and was just gonna go be sad in his room by himself🥺

- even though he’s a good pirate (can’t believe i’m a pirate apologist now) he’s killed people before but what sits heaviest with him is that he’s hurt her!!! stfu that’s so pure

- as soon as he said to just call him eddie… oh babeyyy i knew shit was abt to go down in a sinful way. but no! poor eddie was blue balled, reader had a terrifying dream, and us (actual) readers were on the edge of our fucking seat

- the crew said they’d miss her!!

- hellfire shot first, right? (i kept getting interrupted trying to read that part so it’s fuzzy to me) WHAT HAPPENED BEFORE THE RED TAIL SANK I NEED THIS BACKSTORY OH MY GOD

CAN WE TALK ABT THE SMUT JFC. cause you rly fucking delivered on that

- ‘Really? The princess had thought of me, a filthy pirate?’ ‘I’m not a princess.’ You rolled your eyes playfully. ‘Out of all the things to dispute, you argue my words of affection?’

- ^fucking swooning over these lines

- ‘So you can be good for me.’

- ^this one too

- him admitting he lost his control due to jealousy!!! idec if it’s toxic (only cause this isn’t real life) jealous eddie is so hot

- as a tit (wo)man myself, i have to give my thanks for including boob stuff *chefs kiss*

more comments of after the smut cause i apparently have a million fucking thoughts abt this chapter i’m sorry😭

- they comforted each other after their nightmares that is so goddamn sweet im SICK

- ‘I had honesty considered just locking you away and keeping you forever, but I am a man of my word, am I not?’ HE SHOULD HAVE JUST KEPT HER THERE FOREVER. TURNED TF AROUND AND NEVER LOOKED BACK

- reader writing the ransom note and changing the whole story to try to spare eddie/hellfire was so smart oh my god u rly had me fooled that they weren’t gonna get in any trouble and be seen as fucking heroes or smth

- the comment abt him not having carpet fr cracked me up

- he read her mind and shut the idea of staying with him down:(( that son of a bitch (still love him tho)

- and he didn’t tie her hands tight so she could start swinging at any moment!! (c o m e o n reader…we’re fucking waiting! punch ur dad in the face!)

- ‘governor, i see we meet again’ again!!! AGAIN?!!?!

amazing fucking chapter. ur updates always make me so excited, and i’m eagerly waiting for more<333

Dont mind me just giddily giggling over all of this 🤭 but its really hard for me to reply bc i am just rereading your comments and kicking my feet with joy. You really know how to butter me up lmao and i wish i could write rn but i'll be at the beach the whole day so i will have to do with daydreams and the notes app- which, btw, do not ever again apologise for sharing your thoughts!! I as a professional attention whore absolutely thrive off of this so please do not stop

Well, ya know the title of the fic, and it is eddie so you know he's a sweetiepie at heart. He's just been through stuff (and yessss we will find out what. All questions will be answered i hope (unless people have questions to things i did not even consider but so far i dont think that has been the case???).

And listen, with [fan]fiction, there is no such thing as red flags 🫤🙄 only black ones with skulls on them 🏴‍☠️ and toxicity is what makes everything that extra bit spicy.

I am a bit sorry for blueballing yall at the beginning, but if i hadnt then we would not have gotten the rest of the chapter as it is now?? And that counts for something suuurely

plus, i tried to hold off on the smut as long as i could bc i really really do not like writing it, as much as i am an avid lover of it, which brings me to my next point of i really appreciate all the comments on the smut bc i honestly dont know what in doing most times and it was probably the main reason why it took so long to write this chapter because i just freeze up at the mention of genitalia lmao. My brain just becomes that cymbal monkey.

Hehe i was really proud of that pirate/princess line. And the carpet one. Just gotta break up the heaviness sometimes ya know. And you just know these two have that kind of "deprication as love language" affair. Is that a even a thing? Well i made it a thing. Especially since its basically canon for this au that eddie has a major degradation kink.

In a perfect world, they would have been welcomed as heroes, but in a perfect world they also would never have kidnapped her so 🫠

And yes Again 😌

[chevvy-yates]

40, 42 and 49 for Vijay pls <3

asks do come from this post.

40. has your character ever been in love? if so, with who?

already answered here, but since I'm in the mood to tell stuff this weekend also have a spontaneous writing muse, I will answer for the second one now, too :) After he left his Portland days behind and moved to Night City, Vijay of course went to dive into NC's night life. He likes to party, so he'd be nuts if he didn't go exploring the variety of it reaching form gay night clubs such as Dicky's to shady underground shacks. Once he went to a Depeche Mode Party (yes, even in 2077 those were still "in" – let me believe in ittttttt). There he met some dud from Germany named Ryder* - ex-Corpo guy turned merc – with a look that was definitely of Vijay's taste and likes: slight 80s punk/goth look, all wearing black, who had piercing bright glowing eyes and a hint of mystery surrounding him that led to VJ immediately wanting to know more.

Their affair lasted about a year until a situation occured that triggered Vijay once again reminding him of his near death experiance back in Portland. Like Reva Ryder got himself mantis blades installed and there was a delicate situation they unintendly went into action he couldn't control - he didn't even notice it at first. And it probably left ryder nearly as much in shock as VJ. That's all you need to know for the moment. After some long conversations they decided it was better to just stay friends instead. The contact got reduced for a while, so everyone had his own space. A while later VJ suggested Jackie to ask Ryder if he wanted to join the team concernin the merc busisness. They could need an ex-Corpo who is used to close combat especially with mantis blades and Ryder was excellent in that. So, they are team mates now, still hanging out together at the Afterlife or at some other underground Dark Wave/EBM shack somewhere in the city, but Ryder still kinda loves VJ to this date – with VJ knowing that. *I'll create this fucker as a second V some day I promise.

42. do they believe in love at first sight?

Nope. Vijay knows when he feels all over the moon it might be attraction in form of lust mostly what is driving him – he had enough such encounters to know this feeling very well. He does know what love is, too hence he experienced it already and that only comes after a while when he's really interested into getting to know more about the person he's spending time with, forming a deep bond after time and being connected on a deep emotional level.

49. name three of your characters biggest turn ons.

Just the right amount of eye contact. If you manage to lock eyes with VJ the right way, you will get his attention.

Casual kissing hat turns out to get hotter than it was intended to be ending into having some hot sex instead. yep.

Play with his nipples for a while - they're pretty sensitive, so kiss them, roll them between your fingers, suck 'em as well – it turns him on immediately to do/want more (even if he's half asleep).

[troquantary]

Didyme, Part 2: Something, Something, Plato's Allegory of the Cave

Continuing from here, and we’re doing sub-parts for this bit. I’m genuinely surprised I had this much to say. (And fun fact, I almost lost the entire goddamn post, but fortunately I was copy-pasting into Word just in case. Not today, Satan.)

2.1. What Canon Tells Us

Didyme’s murder by Aro (and with Caius’ apparent assistance, either during or afterwards), is only mentioned on the page in Life and Death, the 10th Anniversary gender-swapped version of Twilight. Edythe/Edward mentions it briefly when discussing the painting of the leaders Carine/Carlisle brought back from Volterra, but it’s just background information with little narrative weight. I bring it up just to highlight Caius’ involvement and knowledge -- I’ll get back to that.

Now, here’s the “canon” backstory we have to work with. Per the illustrated guide, Didyme was Aro’s younger sister, and he turned her at some point after meeting Marcus, Caius, and Athenadora. Interestingly, the Guide doesn’t say anything about Aro returning to Didyme out of brotherly love; apparently he just wanted to see if she would have a powerful gift like his, only to be underwhelmed (”disappointed,” according to his Guide entry) by her actual ability -- she made people happy just by being around them. Then she and Marcus fell in love, sharing “the strongest romantic bond of any of the Volturi” (from Marcus’ Guide entry), and this prompted a suddenly very single Aro to seek out his own mate, Sulpicia. The Guide says Didyme “distracted” Marcus from Aro’s goals, and that the pair eventually made plans to split off on their own, leading Aro to murder Didyme so he could hold onto Marcus and his valuable gift. Although nothing written so far suggests that Aro even liked his sister, the Guide does state that Aro “truly loved her” and that his grief upon killing Didyme was genuine.

Apparently Caius’ role in all is was something Meyer thought up later, because none of the leaders’ Guide entries mention him being in on it. (You can’t see me, but I’m staring pointedly at Part One.)

2.2. Fuck Canon, Actually

(This just seemed like the funniest place for a cut. Continued below~)

I’ll be honest with you, person who’s persistent/unfortunate enough to still be here: very little about this murder scenario makes sense to me. I’m going to start with the “disappointing” nature of Didyme’s gift and that it was supposedly much less useful to Aro than Marcus’, because that’s just...stupid, frankly, and there’s no way Aro would have missed the inherent utility of Didyme’s gift. I don’t even have to read into anything to get this idea -- the Guide itself shows us how useful it is! It says right there in Marcus’ entry that Aro went off to turn Didyme, and returned with his sister, “along with the first members of the guard -- vampires who were drawn to Didyme’s aura of happiness.” That is a direct quote.

Just -- I practically shrieked when I read that. You’re telling me that Didyme’s gift was the stated reason their coven got its first subordinates, and I’m supposed to believe that Aro thought that was disappointing? Fuck off! Fuck off!! Even if Didyme’s happiness aura isn’t as powerful as Corin’s opium haze, well, Aro doesn’t have Corin yet, does he? He has every reason in the world to want to keep Didyme around, drawing other vampires to his cause -- even if most of those vampires aren’t gifted or skilled enough to join the guard, it’s still good PR.

At this early stage in the Volturi’s rise to power, it isn’t a good time to lose Didyme -- or any of his inner coven, really. Yet Aro apparently considered her disposable enough that he killed her. I can’t square this with what we know about Aro: that he’s still coherent despite holding god-knows how many people’s lives in his head; that he’s very intelligent; that he’s cunning, charming, and persuasive. Aro, once he learned they were thinking about leaving, would have tried to talk to Didyme and Marcus and done everything in his power to convince them to stay just a bit longer, until the Volturi’s position was more secure. And maybe he did; the timeline of all this is hazy, but nothing in the Guide suggests that Aro jumped straight to duplicity and murder. Clearly, though, whatever negotiations or arguments he presented failed. So what does their desire to leave the Volturi at this critical stage say about Didyme, or Marcus for that matter?

2.3. What It Says About Didyme and Marcus (Mostly Headcanon)

Brace yourself, because we’re into full headcanon territory now. To follow me, please refer to @therealvinelle ‘s meta about the larger mission of the Volturi and why they’re necessary, because I’m starting from the perspective that the Volturi are ultimately a force working in vampires’ and humans’ favor. While Meyer and the Guide would have you believe that Aro’s just power-hungry, actually looking at the impact of the Volturi and the benefits of enforcing secrecy shows that his broader vision isn’t just world domination, but establishing a world in which vampires and humans can both thrive and endure. There’s no way the rest of the inner coven was unaware of this goal; we know Aro talks a lot, so he’s certainly talked his coven’s ears off about this.

Now, we know very little about Marcus and what he was like before he was all dead inside. Based on what would be a logical balance of personalities, with Aro as lead decision-maker and Caius as ruthless enforcer, it seems likely that Marcus was originally the voice of reason and/or mercy. I also think Marcus would have had a strong sense of duty. The Guide says that Aro was the first friend Marcus had as a vampire, and I believe that Marcus cared about him very much and was committed to the Volturi. I think he would have been genuinely conflicted about leaving, especially considering the stabler, safer world the Volturi have been striving to build, and which they haven’t yet secured. Again, it’s a very bad time for any of the leadership to split off -- but in the end, Marcus and Didyme are going to do it anyway.

What for, though? Why leave? @theoriginalcarnivorousmuffin has an interesting take on that question here: that Didyme saw that she and Marcus would be locked into the Volturi life and a thankless existence for eternity and tried to opt out while she still could. I like it a lot, it’s a great post and that scenario makes sense, but the tone of it feels...too forgiving. Maybe that’s because I’m evil. But the way I see it, given the magnitude of the Volturi’s mission, and its (at best) very tenuous grip on power at the time Marcus and Didyme plan to leave (they haven’t even defeated the Romanians yet), jeopardizing the entire operation so that they can pursue their romance unburdened strikes me as...well, fundamentally selfish on some level, so much that I find myself side-eyeing Didyme and Marcus for it. Although to be clear, it’s not the desire to live their own lives apart from the Volturi that I find selfish, just the timing of their departure.

Honestly, I’d like not to vilify another female character if I don’t have to. Given everything I’ve just said, I see Didyme in much the same way as I see Bella: not a bad person, but someone with definite selfish tendencies. At best, she’s likely short-sighted or naive if she doesn’t see how leaving the Volturi at this stage is fucking them over in a big way. However, I hesitate to read into the happiness aura as a straightforward indication of Didyme’s fundamental goodness; I think she probably was kind, charming, and delightful to be around, hence the nature of her gift -- but that capacity for selfishness is still there. (I’m certain Meyer wants us to take her gift as proof of Didyme’s goodness, to reinforce how evil Aro is for killing her...but I think I’ve made my disdain for what Meyer wants me to think pretty clear.)

2.4. MURDER MOST FOUL

I am not saying it was justifiable or okay for Aro to murder his sister. I’m really not. It’s actually better, from a character standpoint, that it isn’t okay -- that Aro has to carry this with him for the rest of his life while Marcus sits in the throne next to him, reduced to a husk, so that in effect Aro has lost them both after all. It’s got that Greek tragedy element @theoriginalcarnivorousmuffin​ mentioned in her post. (Even better from that standpoint, the Guide implies that Aro found Chelsea relatively soon after killing Didyme, which compounds the tragedy.) I mean, it’s terrible, and it hurts me because I love Aro, but it’s compelling stuff.

What I am saying is, I can see how their insistence on leaving might have deeply hurt and offended him. And that brings me to my issue with the calculated murder scenario the Guide gives us -- I still think Didyme’s gift is too valuable for Aro to throw away by killing her in cold...venom (or whatever), even as the price for keeping Marcus in the fold. Plus, there’s the fact that Aro does love Didyme, and I imagine her gift makes it very difficult for people to think of harming her...when they’re calm, anyway.

Yeah, the only way I can really see the murder happening is if Aro killed Didyme in the heat of an argument about her leaving, possibly even by accident -- except you can’t accidentally kill a vampire, can you? It’s a very deliberate process wherein you have to dismember them and burn every piece, which also means it probably takes long enough that any irrational, overwhelming rage would wear off before you were done. But now that you’ve started....

I mean, at that point it would certainly be awkward to put your half-rubble sister back together, and Aro would be in a whole other load of shit even if he did. It’s possible, given what we’re told, that Aro could have lashed out and yanked Didyme’s head off before snapping out of it, only to realize that his sole option now is to finish the job. If he doesn’t kill Didyme now, she and Marcus won’t just leave, they’ll be sworn enemies of Aro from then on. And thanks to Didyme’s gift being the draw for a lot of the guard, and the inherently bad look of a leader who would brutally attack his own sister, a chunk of the guard would probably leave with them, destroying Aro’s plans. No, the only way to salvage it is to follow through.

Then Aro has to call in Caius for help with the cover-up, because it wasn’t actually planned and it’s just pure luck that no one walked in on the murder as it was happening.

And maybe Aro learns a hard lesson about learning to let people walk away, leaving the possibility open that they could be drawn in again. Because if Aro had just waited, he would have found Chelsea, and with her gift he could have had Marcus and Didyme back again.

Assuming everything didn’t fall apart as soon as they left, of course. But that’s a whole other what-if scenario.

[starrystories2]

Hey! Your story sounds super cool. Could you tell me about the lore behind it?

...sure

There’s a lot though.....

So get ready...

Remember how I said that I realised that I accidentally copied atla when making my magic system... well, similarly, the very eariliest histories of the world indicate that there were four races original races, each race born with the magical ability to control their respective element. The Sylmuryl (water), the Bolnlow (earth), the Volvalens (fire), and the Kairussians (air). (I’m really sorry atla, I promise the magic system is not the same, and that history plays out a lot differently). 

The earliest records tell of the aftermath of a war: The Sylmuryl, the Bolnlow, and half of the Volvalens under the rule of an evil witch vs. the other half of the Volvalens and the Kairussians under the rule of Himself(the only and perfect God). The resolution of the war is unclear, but it had something to do with Himself’s Banisher, who banished the Black witch from the world. 

After the war, the magic of the losing side dissapeared. In dispair, the Sylmuryl sunk into the sea, and the Bolnlow hulled themselves in the mountains, never to be seen again, and dying off into extinction, leaving behind their halfborn children (because the world was totally cool with interbreading).

The Kairussians decided they didn’t want any more part in the world after that dreadful war and created a land in the sky called Douden, where they took any halfborns with Kairussian blood. (Basically leaing everything in the hands of a divided fire nation... yeah.... that was smart)

So... the Volvalens fought on the wrong side of the war don’t have magic while the survivors from the other side of the war(there’s not many of those left btw) do have magic. (Not to mention all the rest of the orphaned or half-orphaned halfborns running around...fun times) So obiously, the logical thing for the non-magic Volvalens to do is hunt the magic Volvalens into extinction and round up all the halfborns to a) keep the separate based off of their heritage(because volvalens are ocd or something/totally did it to keep them from joinging forces against them) and b) kill off/experiement with any of them that show magic abilities in attempts to regain their own magic.

...okay, so I even made the fire nation jerks in this story... so much for that...

anyway, there is one Volvalen who’s not a jerk(oh my gosh why can’t I stop....I just realised...I PROMISE HE’S NOT ZUKO!)....Kallen, is a Volvalen who is against what his people are doing and(long story short) leads a rebellion of halfborns against his people. Unfortionatly, he thinks that as long as his people are alive, the halfborns will never be safe(not an unfair assessment...except) as a result he genocides his own people (except for himself). 

Let’s keep in mind that the Kairussians can see all of this play out and do LITERALLY NOTHING!

 Kallen meets with representatives from each sect of the halfborns left on earth (for those who are counting [this is based on heritige btw] 3 sects on earth, 3 in Douden) to discuss his what to do now. 

These are the results: While two of the sects want Kallen as their king, the halfborns have no Volvalen blood(only 1 sect) claim that, though they are greatful, have no allegience to the volvalen people (because lack of volvalen heritage,) and want to be left to their own devices. Kallen, not wanting to rule the whole world (not wanting a repeat of what just happened) thinks it’s a good idea and together the council divides the land between that sect and Kallen’s new kingdom (most of the land belonging to Kallen, because there’s just more people, but anyway)

Anyway, Kallen becomes king and (despite totally abliterating his own people and ruling pretty much 2/3 of the world’s popluation) he’s a pretty boss king and everbody loves him. 

He marries his first wife Jadnir and has two sons, Jaden and Karner. After his first wife dies (don’t ask, I don’t know why... yet) he remarries a woman named Gondabal and has two sons with her, Gontner and Lenndabar. 

Kallen decides that instead of giving everything to his oldest, Jaden, he is going to divide his land evenly between all four of his sons, because he’s a good dad and luvs all his bois. (This unconventional passing on of Kallen’s rule inspired a few different ways that the crown would be passed in the four cultures that spawn from Kallen’s sons)(but more on that later)

So everything is fine a dandy for a while. (There are even legends that the four brother’s were so close that they were sad that their kingdom’s were so far away from eachother, so they prayed to Himself to make a way for them to see eachother and Himself decided to give them a meeting room outside of space(but not time) that only the king and his heir could go into, but such a wild story like this has no proof, so it makes a good bedtime story for kids).

But after a while (like a long while... like those 4 bros be dead now) The desert in Gontner(btw the countries are literally the four sons’ names) domain grows into Jaden and Jaden is like, idk wut to do with this, it’s sand. So Jaden decides to sell all the desert to Gontner because most of their land is desert already so they can actually do stuff with that land and Jaden can’t (and the desert got pretty big so Jaden is basically giving away half their kingdom). And EVEN THOUGH IT WAS JADEN’S IDEA TO SELL THE LAND IN THE FIRST PLACE, they feel like they were cheated, so they decided to go invade Lenndabar(and fyi Lenndabar is basically a giant island off the cost of the mainland, and I mean a big island)

So Jaden goes and takes over Lenndabar, forcing it’s people into the mountains in the north. Not long after that, Karner desides to help Lenndabar out and tries to conquer Lenndabar from Jaden to give back to the Lenns.

And at this point, each contry as about 1/2 the land each (if you don’t count the montains in the north) and because neither of them are able to gain more ground, things settle into an uneasy cease fire, that goes on for a while(to the point that both the Jades and the Karns are very comfortable and settled into the land they posess (but that belongs to neither of them in the first place)

Well... that was a lot... 

if any of you are still not drowning in information here are a few details more...

1. At some point during the cease fire a plague hits Lenndabar (I don’t know when exactly, but it’s pretty important to some of the characters’ backstories so I thought I’d mention it. I mean it does make sense though, because there are three different people groups all occupying the same island, so of course disease is going to thrive and some people will have immunites while others don’t)(maybe the plague is the reason the cease fire starts in the first place... idk)

2. Gontner cut off comminications with his brother countries after they got land from Jaden, but before Jaden’s invation of Lenndabar, and hasn’t gotten involved with this war at all.

3.Also... at some point... some of the Kairussian halfborns and the few Kairussians left at this point(they’re also almost extinct, but not yet....I don’t know why yet) returned to the world and most are living in secluded places.

4. There are rummors that right before the Jades invaded Lenndabar that the Lenn King took his heir and threw him down a well before jumping himself. There were no eyewitnesses, but the story is assumed to be true and the whole event is called the Whay, but no one can remember if it was named after the king or his heir. Whay is now used as a strong curse, especially in the slyva towns, and when used as a direct insult to someone can mean that they are a REALLY big jerk and coward or they are REALLY stupid and gullible.

Let me know if you have questions! Thank you guys for giving me a platform to tell my story even though it’s not done yet!

Hope you enjoyed!

[beyondthetemples-ooc]

📌🏳️‍🌈💎

Ahhh, thank you so much! Defaulting to Teen Titans. So....

It’s about to get Rambly.

Media Hyperfixation ask game --> [x]

📌 how did you find your hyperfixation?

It all started with the cartoon! Saturday cartoons were kind of a thing in my family, and my dad was always big on superheroes. So naturally, if a superhero cartoon was on, we’d watch it as a family. I wasn’t especially invested in superheroes as a genre, I just liked the plots better than a lot of other kid shows.

I remember watching Nevermore in the dark room, and mostly just being Vaguely Confused, not really caring what was going on (because someone was brushing or braiding my hair, and I liked that a lot better at the time). I specifically remember seeing Pink!Raven and just kind of being like: “...okay? Weird.” I remember the watermelon Loreal Kids shampoo from that night better than I remember the episode because I legitimately just Was Not Paying Attention. I don’t even remember the first time I watched the Apprentice episodes.

But then I remember LOVING Fear Itself from the first viewing, the whole thing with Pretending Not To Be Afraid and the line “I’m afraid, but that doesn’t mean I can’t fight back” REALLY struck a chord with me, and by the time Aftershock pt. I aired, I was SUPER emotionally invested in the Titans’ well-being. I was so surprised they’d survived! Terra had to be stopped and I was FURIOUS at her for what she did to them! I couldn’t WAIT for next Saturday!

Now, I don’t remember quite WHEN I started reading the comics, definitely before Haunted aired, because I recognized Raven’s soul-self IMMEDIATELY. (It’s Kind of a Big Deal in the comics.) But whenever it happened, that same dad that loved superheroes was a comics collector, and when I started enjoying the show, he started letting me read the comics. At first it was just the trade paperbacks, started with Terror of Trigon and Judas Contract (what a way to start off, huh?), and also the trades from the ‘00s Adult Comics (Teen Titans v3, as we call it). A Kid’s Game, and Family Lost. (Family Lost made a big deal about Raven’s return, and elaborated on Raven’s backstory via Arella. Take a wild guess which one I read over and over again.) He also gave us the Beast Boys and Girls trade, but my sister was much more of a Beast Boy fan and adopted that one the same way I adopted Family Lost.

(I’d put a Read More here if I could, but Tumblr isn’t giving me that option? So let’s hope the mobile trick works.)

:readmore:

Eventually he asked me if I wanted to read the comics they first appeared in, and naturally I was like “YES!” So he pulled the box of New Teen Titans (etc.) comics out and set it near the living room, and he made the rule that I could only take one issue out at a time, and had to return it before I read the next one.

I visited that box ten times a day sometimes.

I would take the issues with Azarath out time and time again, staring at the pictures, reading and re-reading the discussions there, taking in every single little detail. The rainbow stars. The triplicate moons. The architecture. The clothing. I’ve always been especially fixated on Azarath, and Marv’s habit of casual lore-drops fed my fandom-thirsty soul so WELL.

And when I read Tales of the New Teen Titans #2, Raven’s origin story? I never wanted to put it back in the box! I was ENAMORED.

The more I learned about Raven from the comics, the more I related to her, and the more I fell in love with the Raven in the show too, appreciating her backstory and filling in the blanks of things I desperately wanted to know about her. (Which was EVERYTHING!) 

Raven was the sole point of entry for how hard I fell in love with the franchise, but the older I got and the more I learned, the more I grew to love everything else about it, too.

🏳‍🌈 do you have any headcanons (lgbt, race, neuro, etc) that are important to you?

I headcanon Raven as both aspec and POC! I mean, canon doesn’t color her much at all; the cartoon gives her eerily pale skin and the comic artists tend to color her a deep peachy “white” skin color.

But if you look at the profiles George Perez draws, things like her nose shape and eye/brow structure look like It Could Be. Especially this silhouette from the GAMES graphic novel:

And, I mean, Marv Wolfman considered making her black from the start. So it even works on a meta level.

I don’t know what nationality she could be, because nationality comes from the parents, and, well, Trigon’s a demon, and Arella’s drawn a lot more classically-European looking. Small nose, big eyes, pale skin. Arella was also a foster child, so it’s probably canon that she simply doesn’t know her national origins?

And about asexuality? It’s lifted straight from the comics. There was literally an entire storyline that focused on her and sexuality. And she just DID NOT WANT sex. Now I might be projecting a little, because Marv made it very clear that the reason she’s so apprehensive and avoidant about it is because of her mother’s r*pe. And for the longest time, I was apprehensive and totally avoidant of sex because, for me, I was a sex-repulsed ace, and let’s just say I had a sort of social-learning trauma from several close friends. But you can be afraid of sex and be sexually attracted to someone at the same time. This was CLEARLY not the case with her. When they were getting ready, she’s clearly bracing herself, forcing herself into it, only going along because Eric forced it on her, and she’s like “If you must, just get it over with”, and that’s only BARELY paraphrased. She had no desire for it! No heat, no excitement! Absolute zero! Just straight FEAR.

Not to mention, as much as I despise that storyline, the closest thing she has canonically come to ever Getting Down with someone was that weird astral “child” thing with the Wyld weirdness, and if I remember correctly, that was a complete accident with No Body-Unifying Prerequisite.

(Clearly she’s romantically active in both the comics and cartoon, but hey, I’m also a lot more romantically engaged than sexually too. I haven’t decided yet if I headcanon her as demi, gray, or what, but I definitely get Very Strong Ace-Spectrum Vibes from her.)

As for other characters, I’m honestly Really Intensely Hyperfixated on Raven In Particular, so I’ve never given as much thought to the others, but in running teentitansheadcanons, I’ve seen submissions that Beast Boy is autistic or ADHD, and I like that interpretation! I legitimately Can Not Comprehend how his mind works, I just can’t grasp how things Operate for him at all, but from his outward behaviors, I can definitely see it.

I also heavily, heavily headcanon that all the Titans have PTSD, both from their pre-hero days and the fact that they’ve all faced near-death scenarios. Different events impacted different Titans differently, so it’s from different things for all of them, and they all have their own individual ways of coping with it, but it’s There.

I also headcanon Really Hard that they ARE each others’ support group, because Found Family means the WORLD to me, and I imagine it does to all of them too. Wait, screw “imagine”-- that’s canon as HELL.

💎 are there any fun facts or trivia that you would like to share?

Hmmm.... I have too many to easily choose just a few! So! More Rambling!

~ Raven wasn’t named as such due to her heritage or prophecies of doom; rather, Marv Wolfman just really liked the name Raven. If anything, she was named after a character, Raven Winters, Marv had written in an earlier project!

~ The Azarathean word “Arella” meaning “messenger angel” is a DIRECT derivative of Hebrew, as well as the word “Azar” (meaning “aid”) and the suffix “-ath”, as I understand it, means... something I can’t remember now, like providing or bringing or something. But it’s all very parallel to Hebrew!

~ The New Teen Titans crew nicknamed Trigon “Hot Stuff on steroids”, referencing a blood-red mischievous and child-shaped demon character from Archie Comics. He’s not very much of a threat. This never fails to amuse me.

~ Tara Strong still wants to know what happened with Terra and Trigon. (At least, she did when I saw her at Indy PopCon.)

~ Back in 2003ish, there used to be RAGING debates over whether the Robin in the cartoon was Dick Grayson or Tim Drake. Yes, even after he was shown to become Nightwing in the future. Because of how his costume looked, I think? And his personality. Even though the cartoon Titans were CLEARLY waaaay different from their comic counterparts.

~ Cyborg’s metal body parts are a molybdenum steel alloy! This was stated in the 80′s comics, but as I understand it, molybdenum is still used today in the medical field for prosthetics and skin-contact technology.

~ Starfire says one of my favorite meta lines in the comics: “I know what I look like and there’s nothing wrong with being pretty. But if that’s ALL that I am I’d be pretty boring.”

~ Wonder Girl’s origin story has been retconned almost as many times as there are DC Crisises. I can hardly speak any further on it, because I thrive on continuity and retcons just Throw Me Off.

~ Red Star’s original name Way Back When was actually Starfire!

~ Marv Wolfman took the name “Nightwing” from a Kryptonian story! Yes, Dick Grayson’s alias was named after a Superman thing. (Marv’s a huge Superman fan though, so are we really surprised?)

~ Starfire and Raven, a fierce warrior and a timid pacifist, were created to be Polar Opposites! Like, INTENTIONALLY. (With Donna Troy as the balancing act between them.)

~ When Beast Boy/Changeling transforms from a large creature into something smaller, according to the New Teen Titans letter columns because a fan asked about this, his extra mass goes to Cleveland. This was probably a joke and never explained, but maybe that’s why there’s so much green stuff in Lake Erie!

[throwing-summers-at-the-walls]

Hi, i hope you are feeling good! Im better than yesterday so i can finally answer you. First of all: i am so happy that you shared your fanfiction! i had a great time reading it! Im always open for more recs. Maybe your all time favorites? Or if you know some good h/c these are always welcome :) And YESSS please send me a link to your fanvids. -- yeah 13rw was super cursed. haha i also watched season 1 but thankfully i was able to sto watching becaue i could feel it making me feel bad (1)

I agree the suicide scene was just cringe (but i think i remember reading somewhere that they cut it out? idk) and overall this show just gave me the feeling that there was no hope and things are always getting worse instead of better and i hated that. but enough of that cursed show. can i just say i really admire how open you are about your feelings (like being suicidal and that) i realy, really admire this about you. i have so much respect for you that you can just share your feelings here (2)

I have never heard of ace attorney but that story you described sounds really good. and i get reading sth that isnt good for you and still doing it (because im a dumb bitch too :D) -- okay i might accept that Root will never grow on you (but i thought so too and look at me now :D) but i havent fully given up yet :)-- yes thats the girl. i think it was really sweet when she said that to Shaw. and i think Shaw appreciated it that someone tried to figure her out instead of just writting her off (3)

Shaw is really cool and definately also a badass and in combination with John its just great! but you will have to suffer trough some Shoot.  but maybe, maybe you will end up not hating Root. hope dies last (idk how the saying goes in english, sorry). -- Did you ever ship Caresse (in a romantic way)? cause sometimes i do and sometimes i dont and i get so confused about it :) but i think most of the time i like them more as friends. anyway her death really sucked and you are right with (4)

her death and them losing the library it felt like a different show (i mean i guess it was a different show then). i kinda get your feelings about the destroyed library because i also really loved it (and im really bad with change) but i dont think it affected me as much as you. but yeah i still missed the library very much. and while the subway is a really cool new place its not the same. (also the subway is super dark cause its underground and idk it just makes the whole thing less homey) (5)

Yes he is everything! such a great, interesting character and i wish there were more John-centric episodes! (like ones that explored his character more). that was one of my biggest dislikes of the later seasons that John wasnt featured as much anymore. i think he chuckled a few times in the show but a real laugh? i cant remember one :(  -- He did promise Joss to talk to Tyler so @show were is that talk? -- if seen the vid its awesome! thehiddenmemory has some great poi vids! (6)

yes i think so too. Like Grace would probably be relived and thankful that Harold is still alive and maybe they would even try again but eventually she would figure out that she cant trust him after lying to him for so long or sth like that and Harold would ofc realize that he is in love with someone else now. And then he finds out that John is still alive but stayed away cause he didnt want to get in the way of Harold/Grace. But then Harold comes back. And when they meet again John is like (7)

you came back for the machine? what about Grace. But Harold tells him he came back for John not the machine and then they kiss and have a happy live with Bear (sorry i got a little carried away here :D). -- Yeah Zoe is really hot and she needed more screen time! -- i hope you have a good day and i hope i havent messed up the numbers on the asks! :)

Hi ! I'm finally free from the resits, I hope you're doing okay with your thesis 💛

Sorry for replying late, there was the exam resits, and I read a bunch of fics, then I fell into pokémon and started bingewatching it. (Also I had a breakdown during therapy today so I'm gonna finish writing my answer to distract myself - it's been sitting in my drafts for so long rip)

Thank you !! It was a very personal thing, I'm really happy you liked it !! Your support and your comment made me thrive 💛💛

Tbh I was surprised to see it get kudos given that the only intended audience was my self projecting ass 🤣

So, my fav fics (my fav fic ever is in French, rip to y'all bc it's so good):

I am, I am, I am by RavenWhitecastle

Actually check the entire series this work belongs to: The Sinner and the Saint. I haven't finished it yet but I love it (I just skipped the explicit fics bc I don't like smut or sub!John)

Breaking All The Rules by talkingtothesky

Outsider Perspective by Neery

A Really Private Person by astolat

Hamartia (the hero's fatal flaw) by astolat

If Only for Tonight by spacemutineer

From Here, Where? by AKMars

Stroll by TheaNishimori

and the world was gone by lunarcorvid

a light that never goes out by vindicatedtruth

Limitations. by Michaelssw0rd

Reel you in and spit you out by Michaelssw0rd

All I Want For Christmas Is You by richmahogany

By What Power I Am Made Bold by brinnanza

Aftershocks by darringtons

At Certain Hours It All Breaks Down by nogoaway

construction of a kingdom by the_ragnarok

You Take Me Higher Than I've Gone by talkingtothesky

All Together Now by beadedslipper

I'll Let the Waters Still by brinnanza

Birthday Tradition by talkingtothesky

Things My Father Taught Me by KRyn

Truth is in the Eye of the Beholder by infiniteeight

Better Luck This Time by Lisztful

Motivations by JenNova

What's On the Table by cortue

In Another Life by Della19

I Thought We Already Were by talkingtothesky

Misunderstandings by thisstarvingartist

This is already fucking long omg so for the h/c: my bookmarks filtered with Rinch and h/c

Here's my playlist, it's mostly Rinch, but there are a few not Rinch vids, plus some scenes I like

This is long enough already, so it's time for a read more. Also, warning, we be talking about suicide

The portrayal of suicide is cringe most of the time anyway. If my suicidal ass can find a list of suicide methods and their lethality in 2 mins on Google you'd think writers who are supposed to do some research would be able to find them too but no they're like "ah yes slicing wrists" even though it's literally the shittiest method 🙄 (I just don't understand why slicing wrists seems to be such a popular method in the collective imagination ? It's weird.) At least in 13rw she took aspirin and cut herself vertically instead of horizontally but still, no hesitation wounds, and she dies even though she only got 4 wounds iirc ? I know more about jumping off bridges than slicing wrists, but it kinda sounds like bullshit to me. Also Netflix once suggested "beyond the reasons" to me, it's a sort of discussion with the cast and crew of 13rw and the only thing I remember is a moment of intellectual masturbation abt how they "opened a discussion abt suicide" 😬😬😬

They may have cut it out it's not impossible, idk I didn't hear about it, but it's not like I look for info about this dumpster fire lol. Maybe they faced backlash ? Wouldn't be surprised given how shit the show was. And yeah it has a hopeless vibe, I mean that's how it be when you're suicidal, but I didn't like it either.

You're sweet 💜💜 it's interesting that you find it respectable or admirable, I don't have an external point of view, so I'm just like 🤷 it is what it is. I understand where you're coming from though, I guess it's still quite a taboo subject, and suicidal people don't always feel comfortable talking about it, so me throwing around that I jumped off a bridge must be surprising. I'm detached enough from my suicide attempt that I'm able to talk about it without much of a problem, and I'm not really suicidal anymore.

Dumb bitches unite 👏👏👏 we be out there reading shit we shouldn't read

Yeah I think it's nice how the show didn't portray Shaw as a bad person for not having "normal feelings". Well, hope makes one live as we say in French (idk the English saying either lol) but don't hold much hope about me liking Root lmao

I used to ship careese bc they kissed in the crossing, but then I read some Rinch fics and I just ended up falling into it to the point where I stopped caring about careese. Now I think their relationship works better as a friendship.

Yeah all that change really puts me off... It just gives me "bad spin-off" vibes. Especially since there is less John :( and less Rinch :((((

Lmao yeah I just have a lot of feelings about early poi hgkfglrk. Also :/ I'm sad about the subway being less homey pls I just want happiness ?? I swear this show destroys my heart on top of owning my last braincell (brb changing my blog title to this lmao)

Mood I need all the John-centric eps, give me m o r e characterization and development and backstory and feelings hhhhhhh. I love him so much I just wanna spend more time with him. And that's what fics are for ! Yeah thehiddenmemory is so talented ! Astolat made some good ones too, on top of writing really good fics ! (Our fandom has been blessed with the presence of one of the ao3 founders hell yeah)

Also, remember how we talked abt the poi subreddit ? The other day I left a comment on there, wild I know. It wasn't a discussion about the last seasons though, I'm not crazy, it was about the impact poi had in our lives so I said it literally taught me English. Who knows maybe sometimes I'll comment again lol. I just don't wanna meet one of those people who prefer late poi over early poi.

Allow me to uuuuh write something based on what you said. Don't ask me how John survived with no major injuries, my man got that Thick Plot Armor alright. Hope you appreciate me getting carried away sjdkdksk it's kinda rushed and the first part isn't that good bc idk how to write Grace I'm just here for that sweet sweet Rinch stuff

Harold is eating breakfast with Grace in her kitchen – he can't think of her home as his home – when his phone vibrates. It's a text from the machine. It's a surprise, she barely contacted him since... He blocks the thoughts and the images coming to his mind. The machine sent him a picture. When he opens it, his heart misses a beat. Right here on his screen is a silhouette he thought he would never see again. His phone vibrates again. Another picture, this time it's unmistakably John, wearing his signature suit, Bear next to him. Transfixed, he stares at his phone until he feels Grace gently touching his arm. She goes straight to the point.

"Is it John ?" He looks up in confusion, but before he can say anything, she adds, "I hear you call him in your sleep every night."

"It's him, yes." He doesn't want to explain. He only wants to see John, to touch him, to tell him how much he loves him.

"You should go back to him. I like you, Harold. I am deeply relieved to see you alive. But I've been thinking, and... It's not working. This, us... You aren't really the man I fell in love with, the man I grieved... I can't trust you anymore." She doesn't say 'You lied to me' but Harold hears it all the same.

~

Harold sits on their bench. The machine indicated John often comes here. Soon enough, his arms are full of Bear, and John is standing in front of him.

"John. How are you ?" he asks when Bear finally calms down.

"Busy. And you ?"

Harold eyes him suspiciously – John once said he was busy when he was bleeding and way too close to death – but he seems to be well.

"I'm fine." He doesn't have time for awkward small talk." I thought you were dead. Why didn't you contact me ?"

"The machine told me you were with Grace. I thought you wanted to come back to your previous life. I didn't want to crash into it and ruin what you had."

Harold wants to be angry at him, but he understands. He did the same with Grace.

"You would never ruin anything. Besides, my relationship with Grace... didn't survive my lies. She's very dear to my heart, but she's a part of my previous life, as you said."

"So you came back for the machine, and the numbers, like the good old times ?"

Harold gets up from the bench.

"I came back for you. You are an important part of my life. The most important part."

John smiles, finally. He takes a step towards Harold, they're so close they could kiss. Harold reaches out, grips his shirt and slowly inches closer. He's still afraid of being rejected but John wraps his arm around him and kisses him. The kiss is over too soon. John's smile is even wider when they part.

"You're the most important part of my life too," he says before kissing Harold again. "You will stay ?"

"Always."

Damn I live for sappy Rinch stuff.

Bitches decided that Harold saying "always" is peak Rinch. It's me I'm bitches.

Also ofc I had to make a reference to number crunch, who do you think I am

Anyway. I hope you have a good day ! 💛

[houkagokappa]

Sarazanmai Anthology first impressions

(contains slight spoilers about the anthology, but nothing major)

The Anthology came out at the same time I was heading out to meet a friend to go to the movies, so I only had time to check the illustrations. They’re all great. A lot of Tooi and Chikai, which I wasn’t expecting, but am enjoying (have I ever mentioned I love stories about sibling bonds the most?). The illustrations make me feel things... Mostly angst, but Kasukabe Akira’s piece is heartwarming (until you remember how things ended for them). I find pako’s illustration amusing because Pako (lit. escape) was the Finnish name for the Prison Break tv-series and the illustration looks like it could’ve been drawn for it.

It's nice to see art by Hoshino Lily again, I love her style and I miss her works so much! She drew Sara and she fits her style perfectly! I’m not a huge fan of Saito Chiho’s style, it’s very 90′s which has its own charm, but also I’m scared of the humongous hand she drew for Reo and I’m very sorry but it’s all I can see in her illustration, even though the setting is quite nice otherwise. Saito Misaki’s illustration falls under the category of "my skin is clear and my crops are thriving” - it’s a warm and healing illustration of ReoMabu. Then we have Morishima Akiko’s illustration which is so out of this world amazing words cannot express how much I live for it and for the manga she drew. I need to make it my new wallpaper. If there’s a way to make Sarazanmai better, Yurizanmai is where it’s at.

I began reading the manga on my subway ride home. The first ones are by Saito Misaki and it felt so good to be able to read her ReoMabu manga stories again. Unfortunately her manga began during the era Reo thought Mabu wasn’t his Mabu so it could’ve been a more pleasant read... The universe was also playing a cruel trick on me because I was listening to music on shuffle and the sad ReoMabu backstory track started playing just as I began reading. Thanks, way to rub salt into my wounds... Luckily she also included their happiest moments and declarations of love so it was all good in the end. I feel very satisfied with what she drew.

For some of the other works I really like how there are a couple where Reo and Mabu show up and interact with the trio, along with other bonding moments between some of the characters who didn’t get much of it in the anime and how we get a glimpse of what their lives might look like after the anime.

I was looking forward to Nakamura Asumiko’s manga the most. What she drew is certainly true to her style. It’s quite short and depressing. It’s set during the anime era when things were strained between Reo and Mabu. Some might say that Mabu’s acting out of character because he’s quite aggressive. That was my first impression as well, but thinking about it some more considering how pushy he was about feeding Reo in Saito Misaki’s manga and all the pain and frustration he was feeling when he was unable to tell Reo how he truly felt about him, it’s not necessarily that far off. I get why some might not like it though.

I had to translate Nakamura’s manga as soon as I finished reading it and then the same thing happened with the next manga in line, which was Morishima Akiko’s Yurizanmai. I haven’t finished my work on it yet, but let me tell you it’s absolutely amazing and worth buying the anthology for.

I haven’t properly read the rest yet. Yamamoto Kotetsuko’s 3-koma, Sakuraba Chidori’s 4-koma and Riyo’s works seem to be mostly comedic and somewhat absurd. I really love the art in Ishino Aya’s manga about Chikai. I need to check out her other works, I think they could be right up my alley. Oh and then there’s some horrifying stuff going on with Enta and Keppi that I didn’t need in my life and I’m not ready to get into right now. Consider yourself warned. Luckily the anthology ends with Migi’s manga which works as a nice palate cleanser and beautiful ending to the book.

If you haven’t ordered it yet I strongly suggest you do so. It’s well worth your money!

[dulharpa]

this is for hayley! @whistlingwillows a dear friend <3333

it’s meant to be a birthday present haha. i just want to shower you in love;;; so thought maybe i could go through as many of your fics and comment on them :^)))

(TO EVERYONE ELSE: please go to @whistlingwillows blog and read her fics!!! they are SO FCKIN GOOD AND AMAZING AND UGH HER MIND (it’s a lot of mcu and her bucky and steve fics are a*. i DEFINITELY RECOMMEND))

i wish you a VERY happy birthday and i hope we stay friends for many more years <3333333333 

i’m going through your masterlist heehee ;)))

ah first off, nice theme! i never could rlly see it before because i’m always on mobile heehee. also sorry for not reviewing them before??? i don’t usually read fics on tumblr as you’ve probably guessed;;

anyways, IM GON REVIEW THE SHIT OUT OF THESE >:DDDD

far from home -  bucky x stark sister!reader

firstly, i like how youre introducing the reader from buckys pov, like you can sort of already gather what shes like from them

‘Bucky can hear Tony’s soft inhale, feel the intensity of the man’s glare directed at Steve. He shouldn’t be eavesdropping, but a twitch of muscle would be enough to alert both men that he’s here. With the amount of tension crackling in the air, a brush against the wall would be equivalent to a thousand cymbals crashing in cacophony.’

IM CRYING ALREADY. the imagery in here is GLORIOUS. your tone here is so fitting! oo and the alliteration here is perfecto

ooooooo!! the backstory coming in  👀👀

‘despite what some people think that Steve and Captain America are two different personas, there will always be parts of Steve in the Avenger, and parts of the Avenger in Steve. They both want to believe in something good. They are, after all, one in the same.// Just as how Bucky and the Winter Soldier are the same man despite everything. HYDRA simply amplified the hate, fertilized the seeds of rage, curated the quiet thunder within his soul, within James Buchanan Barnes so that the Winter Soldier could thrive.’

yIKES! lol this is very character study like! nICE. it hurts tho, my poor children, i love you both 

oo ‘starlight eyes’ that is a very nice way of describing them

‘“Then what was London?” The protesters. “São Paulo?” The earthquake. “Vancouver?” Freezing cold water.//“Look, I care if Stark’s gonna run us over trying to find her. I care enough because she’s part of our team. Come off it, Steve. I know she can take care of herself. I’m gonna take a nap. Dr. Cho said no partying post-Singapore and what do you know, we throw the biggest party ever.’

ooo singapore uwu and london? (coincidence? haha jkjk) and the hints abt reader and buckys background are so good?? but so annoying??? like i just wanna KNOW yknow?? 

‘The water runs copper and the sting bites at his palm as he tries not to think. Tries to focus on the numbing cold that runs over his skin.’ 

your imagery is so vivid?? im actually in awe??? i am so regretful i havent kept reading your fics. like i know they are amazing, i just keep putting them off??? idk man. hopefully this makes up for it (gd tho, im still not done with commenting on one fic. this is what im doing with my motivation teehee ;)

‘ He feels weak. Tired. He wants to go back to bed but he also wants to stay out in the sun for a few hours more. The sun kisses his skin through the windows and he squints against the blue sky, wondering ‘

mood during this quarantine lol

‘“Oh, right.” Your voice is flat, uninterested, cold, as you stare at him. “You killed my parents.”Shit.‘

 OUCH LMAO THATS C O L D, O GOT +100 PHYSIC DAMAGE FROM JUST READING THAT

ooo robin as a nickname noice. very much gives me batman vibes lol

oh! and the way of doing the ‘flashback’ is neat! very original. it both tells us what happened AND buckys reaction to it again. he can re-analyse himself and reader. very cool

‘If you walk away now, don’t bother coming back!” Silence. Bucky can hear his own strained breathing, your soft sigh as you soaked in his ultimatum.’

👀👀 yikes that ultimatum. :// not good bucky. tbf theyre both trying to hurt each other but Yikes

eyy!!! readers pov!! finally! and the switch after we find out the outsiders pov? brilliant

oh no :(( more angst

‘When’s the last time you saw your therapist?”“Don’t have one. I’m perfectly capable of taking care of myself.”’ they BOTH need therapists;;;;

very good fic!!! :DD they rlly do hate each other! i definitely like how you went back and forth with the timeline! it gave me a v strong idea on what yn was like even before we rlly got introduced. i am now very curious on where reader is? i love your characterisations! 

i will read the 10k+ fics but heck the last one took me ages lolol (i will comment in the future tho!! i promise <3 ) (that took me over an hour jjhghgdjh)

slipping away- amnesiac modern bucky x reader

omg,,, AMNESIA! >:DDDDDD

‘ Put your fucking seatbelt on’

oh no, istg theyre going to have a car crash arent they (’ doesn’t put the seatbelt on to spite you.’ NO PLEASE PUT IT ON U DUMBASS)

ok,,,,, at LEAST he put it on before he got hit, thank heck. but still. youre so cruel to your poor characters lmaoo

oh gosh

‘You fall apart slowly, like pieces of you peeling away until you’re nothing more than your broken heart. The sobs that wrack your body are relentless and you shove your forearm into your mouth to muffle your cries. You want to bite into your skin. You want to distract yourself from the agony tearing you to shreds. You want to feel anything but the pain.///Tears sweep into your hair, cloud your vision and your whole face floods with heat as you try to breathe through the pain. You’re cleaved into pieces on that bed, eyes squeezed shut as the tears keep flowing, and your throat burns’

this hurts damn, it is so vivid?? i can really feel it 

i am so glad you got into writing yk?? so glad

NO PLS, TELL HIM. TELL HIM :((( ‘shes nice once you get to know her?? shes known nat for years now!! years!!

oh god ‘he looks younger without the burden of your time together’ this is so angsty omg

‘Well, he was stumbling through his apology and I just let him finish.” Your body fills with warmth as you remember his embarrassed smile, the way he shoved his baseball cap farther down his head, chin tucked to his chest, trying to hide that face. “When he was done, I opened my mouth to say something polite but what came out was ‘You look like someone I’d very much like to kiss’.”

this is so soft i stg im crying in the club

OH SHITTTTTTTTTTT , you left it off like that!!! thats so cruel!!!! i can’t!!! how dare you!!!! :””””””((( im typing this with tears in my eyes ill have u know!!

anyway!!! very good fic!! you could honestly make that into a longfic very easily lol. i felt too many emotions :(( 

i was just about to say where is the fluff!! where is it!! when i saw the next one and yay :))) pls i cant have more angsty stuff rn

.

cookies and rings and things bucky and reader

‘how much do you love me?’ ‘count the snowflakes, multiply by a million’

did you have to start the fic off with such a SOFT line? its so soft! so TENDER 

‘He wonders what kinda insane person wears socks without any clothes on, but then decides that it’s the kind of person who’s fallen in love with him.’  jesus, the soft moments filled with love are the greatest <3

you can write fluff so well, whyd you have to pain me with all that angst ;””””) (1/10 hurt, 9/10 comfort is the way to go lolol) (jkjk ill read the angsty ones too when i have the spoons) (gonna reread that hydra steve one and ik thatll fuck me UP)

‘ Then, he can feel the cold metal of the ring she slid onto her own finger less than twenty-four hours ago and realizes that he had thought a lot of things shouldn’t be possible, and yet they still are. ‘

you literally brought me to tears reading this softness, you have truly found my weakness

‘ She’s so damn gorgeous with flour on her face and eye bags beneath her eyes that he’s sure she will inevitably make his heart burst ‘

he already likes her so much! i can’t believe this is affecting me so much :’)

‘Bucky is quite sure Sam is in love with his girlfriend in the fact that he’s in love with the fact that his girlfriend is possibly in love with Bucky’

this is so soft??? sam loves reader bc reader loves bucky sm. pls my hear <3333

you do fluff SO WELL DAMN 

‘F.R.I.D.A.Y.’s voice echoes in his small little perch and he still thinks it’s weird without having the side effect of Stark in his suit chasing after him to hear the A.I. but he shoves that uncomfortable feeling of the dead man out of his head. That is too much regret to unpack right now on a mission. ‘

yike bringing back that reminder oof

but thats so soft??? (i am def overusing soft but,,,,, i love it and the vibe) she sent him cookies! god i can feel the love  

‘She expresses her feelings through cooking, which Bucky has learnt the hard way. One time, they got into an argument over something stupid—he can’t even remember what started it—and came to the kitchen at 2AM to see her sitting at the kitchen island crying her eyes out and surrounded by baskets of muffins.’

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 my hEART

you show how much they love each other in so many ways??? i am dying

“Alright, I like it.” Rolling his eyes, he pecks her forehead and she smiles victoriously. It’s so adorable that Bucky, with less than three hours of sleep, adds, “God, I want to marry you.//”“What?”//Oh.Shit.

oh my god! i am literally tearing up!!! AGAIN!!!!!!!!

oh shit o am literally crying

your fluff got me crying harder than your angst i hope youre happy

I really hope you enjoy reading this?? i keep forgetting to like text you but i wanted to do something for your birthday. especially in quarantine when everythings gone crazy. one year i swear ill do something REALLY good for you. not making promises bc i hate if i dont. but ill like, learn how to podfic because you D E S E R V E  I T 

ive spent like three hours doing this lolol 

thank you so much for everything hayley!

[stormtrprinstilettos]

 Chameleon - Ch. 1

Summary: Reader (that's you!) moves to London, hoping to leave her past behind and find happiness. She makes friends with her new neighbors. (Guess who?) I can't summarize the entire story because, well, I don't even know where it's going or how it's going to end.

Word Count: 4,252  || AO3 link here

Notes: This is my first fanfic! I'm kind of nervous about sharing it, so please, be gentle. First chapter here gives the backstory. This isn’t going to be historically accurate, because it’s fiction. I don't even know which direction it's going to go, so like every girl should do when she's trying to decide between two guys, I'm weighing the pros and cons... You’ll get your smut - just have to follow along. *wink wink*  Hope you enjoy this as much as I'm enjoying writing it.

You were in the taxi on a gloomy, rainy Sunday afternoon headed to the only place in the world you wanted to be, replaying the events of the last seven years in your head. They had been nothing but a big, nauseating roller coaster ride that you were barely strapped in for, and all you wanted was normalcy for a change. You wanted – no, you needed to prove to yourself that you didn’t need to depend on anyone, that you were perfectly capable of not being the massive fuck up that your dad always told you that you were whenever he was on one of his drunken rampages. The only person who ever gave you any semblance of encouragement, your mom, had passed away when you were 14. By the time you were 16 you left home, tired of being your dad’s figurative punching bag. Mark, the older guy you met a few weeks before leaving, promised he would take care of you, and you believed him. It only took a few months for you to become his literal punching bag, but you believed him when he said he loved you, so you forgave him every single time.

When you were 18, you went back home, deciding that it was time to grow up. Your dad offered you a job at his company, and you thrived, but he never missed a chance to let you know that you were still a massive fuck up. He had a fatal heart attack a year later, and then you ended up with his money, his house and the flat in London that your grandmother left him when she passed away. Mark showed back up, said he was a changed man, and, as always, you believed him.

You didn’t want to stay home anymore so you left, leaving the business in the hands of the people who knew what they were doing. You wanted to travel and took Mark along as your companion. You and your mom traveled a lot when she was alive, and you missed her – you needed her – and thought that going back to the places the two of you loved would somehow bring her back in whatever form she could return. You should have been happy, but you were miserable, thanks to Mark. One day he decided he wanted to go to India and change himself after reading an article in some magazine about how The Beatles did this transcendental meditation stuff, so you went to the airport in Paris, bought him his plane ticket and that was the last time you ever saw him.

When he left for India, you left to go back home, determined to grow the hell up, maybe go to college or something. You didn’t know, or care, but you wanted stability… normalcy. You were 21 at this point and it was time to be a big girl. You met with your father’s best friend, Jake, who was also his business partner, one night so he could go over the stuff about the company that you didn’t even care about. You woke up the next morning with him laying next to you in bed. The only thing that bothered you about it was the fact that it didn’t bother you at all.

And so that’s how it continued. Jake would run the business, he’d come over once a month to go over to give you updates that you didn’t even care about, and he’d wake up in your bed the next morning before going home to his wife. Soon it started to get to you that when he wasn’t around, you weren’t getting that affection, so you had to go find it somewhere else. Attention equaled affection, self-destruction was your therapy, and you needed both. You didn’t even remember their names most of the time, but it didn’t matter, because you’d probably never see them again anyway. None of it bothered you, because if you had any combination of alcohol, drugs and sex, you were okay. Anything to make you not have to deal with reality.

Everything was fine until Jake’s wife figured out what was going on. He gave you the whole sob story about how he loved his wife but she just wasn’t satisfying him so that’s why he would sleep with you, and how she would take the kids and half of his money and...  blah blah blah  , you thought. You rolled your eyes as he was telling you because you really didn’t care. The only reason for him to exist in your world was to go down on you (because the actual sex wasn’t even good) and take care of the business affairs that you had no clue about. His wife demanded that he buy out your share of the company, so you agreed, and just like that he was gone.

One morning - or afternoon, rather - you woke up with another massive hangover and another random person in your bed. As you stumbled to get a drink of water, you caught a glance of yourself in the hallway mirror and stopped to look at yourself. Your bloodshot eyes, your hair a knotted mess, mascara running down your cheeks, lipstick smeared all over your face. “You really are a massive   fuck   up,” you told yourself. The only way you were ever going to fix yourself was to change everything - your attitude, your friends, your surroundings… everything. You called Sam - he was your financial advisor of sorts, the one who took care of your money so you didn’t blow everything - and told him you wanted to go to London. He took care of the arrangements, and now here you were. Rain beating on the taxi window as the driver pulled up to the sidewalk to let you out.

⊱ ────── {.⋅ ✯ ⋅.} ────── ⊰  

“Here you are, Miss,” the driver said as he parked the car and snapped you out of your thoughts. “We can wait until the rain stops if you’d like.”

“No, that’s alright,” you say with a smile. “A little rain never hurt anyone.”

He jumped out of the car, came around to your door to let you out, pulled your two suitcases out of the trunk as you took the money out of your purse to pay him. He offered to help you bring your bags in, but you insisted you could do it yourself, so you exchanged pleasantries and he was off.  

You proceed to attempt to drag your suitcases up the steps to the front door, making things more complicated than they needed to be, just like you always do. They were both way too heavy for you to handle alone, and you could have kicked yourself for not taking the taxi driver up on his offer, but you took the whole “I need to do things on my own” pep talk you gave yourself just a bit too literal. You start to lose your grip on one of the bags, so you let it go, intending for it to stay on the step until you got the other one inside of the door, only for it to go barreling down to the sidewalk.

"Of course," you murmur to yourself. You let go of the other suitcase to chase after it, not thinking, and that one also fell to the sidewalk, and that was all it took to break you. You sit on the steps in the rain, let your head fall into your hands, and allow the tears that you had no idea you had been holding back to flow.

"You alright?" a voice asks. You don’t move. You’re too embarrassed. The voice gets closer. "Hey, are you okay? Do you need some help?" You feel a hand on your shoulder, which you find quite comforting. You slowly lift you head and turn towards the voice. "Are you alright?" the voice asks again, for the third time. "You don't look alright."

You study the face in front of you, not knowing how to answer. No, you aren’t alright, but who is this person and why is he concerned? He looks kind enough. You can tell he is genuinely concerned, but you’re afraid if you speak you’ll let out everything that’s going on in your head. You don’t know this person and he doesn’t need to deal with it. He smiles, not showing his teeth, which you can tell he’s trying to hide, but you aren’t really even focused on that. His eyes. You feel such a comfort in his eyes. "Do you need some help?" You nod, finally acknowledging the fact that he is speaking to you and give the stranger a thankful smile. "Alright, let's go then." He jumps up and walks down the steps, and you follow. You each grab a suitcase and walk back up the steps. "Fuck's sake, what do you have in this thing? Everything you own?" the stranger complains about the weight of the bag but doesn’t seem to struggle with it.

You look back and giggle, "Well, that one has half of everything I own. This one has the other half."

"Oh! She speaks!" the stranger exclaims over-dramatically. "I was beginning to think you were mute!"

You smile sheepishly and explain. "No, I'm not mute. I've just had a long flight in and am having a shitty day. You're the first person I've encountered since I got on the plane in New York that hasn't been absolutely dreadful from the start." You pause, waiting at the door for the stranger to make it up the last few steps. "Thank you so much for the help."

"Not a problem, doll," the stranger replies, looking quixotically into your eyes. "You're not from here."

You laugh, "What gave it away?"

"Your hair," the stranger replies sarcastically. "No one in the entire United Kingdom has hair like that." You both laugh. "I'm Freddie," the stranger says as he extends his hand. "I live here with my two friends. Well, they live there. I'm just staying with them until I get a place of my own. So I suppose I do live here, just temporarily."

"Y/N," you answer as you shake his hand. "I'm Y/N. It's nice to meet you, Freddie."

Freddie helps you carry your suitcases into the flat, taking the opportunity to glance around the inside. "We were wondering why this place was locked up with no one living inside, but it looks like someone does?" He noticed the place was fully furnished, only all of it was covered by sheets.

"Yeah, this was my grandma's place." Your voice trails off as you look around reflectively. "I haven't been here since she passed away." You take a deep breath, snapping yourself out of the sentimental journey you were about to embark on. There was plenty of time to do that, and you knew you would, but you wanted to be alone when it began. Freddie had already seen you crying and looking like a drowned rat and you didn't want to overwhelm him with any more of your emotions. "I spent a lot of summers here with Grams. Millions of good memories here." Your voice trails off again. This was the only place you ever felt comfortable. Happy. Welcomed. Safe.

"Well if you need any help getting settled in or cleaning up, I'm right next door. Two other guys there, too, who I'm sure would be happy to help if you need us," Freddie offers.

Freddie seems to be genuine in his kindness, and you appreciate it. Most of the time when guys were nice to you for no reason it was because they only had intentions of getting you into bed. But there was just something about Freddie that didn't make you feel uncomfortable or like a piece of meat he wanted to gnaw into. "Thank you, Freddie. You're really kind to offer, but..."

"No, no," he stops you as he holds up a hand. "No 'buts.' If you need help, ask for it. We don't need you sitting on the steps in the rain crying again. It makes the neighborhood aesthetic ugly." Freddie chuckles and turns to head to the door. "And before you get offended I did not say that you're ugly," he yells back. You smile, relieved that you have at least one nice person in your orbit.  

He waves and walks out the door, leaving you there, feeling optimistic for the first time in months, feeling that finally everything was going to be okay.

⊱ ────── {.⋅ ✯ ⋅.} ────── ⊰

"We have a new neighbor!" Freddie proclaimed as he walked inside the flat, seeing his two roommates sitting in the living room. "She just arrived."

"She??" one of the roommates asked excitedly.  

Freddie rolled his eyes and chuffs, "Yes, Roger. She. And she's sweet and adorable and I will not allow you to corrupt her." Noticing his friend sinking into the sofa looking somewhat defeated, Freddie explained further. "She flew in from America this morning. She's tired." He walked over and took a seat in the chair and continued. "Her name is Y/N. That was her grandmother's place next door."

"Oh, yeah?" Brian, the other roommate piped up. "I was wondering if anyone was ever going to live in there."

Roger started to laugh. "Yeah, we were hoping it would be you, Fred, to get you off our sofa."  The three of them get along fantastically, and the truth is that they wouldn't know how to handle it if one would have moved out. They are polar opposites, personality-wise, and even interest-wise, but what bonded them together was their love for music.

"Well now that you've found us an adorable neighbor, think you can find us a bass player, Fred?" Brian asked in a frustrated tone. "I saw Bogie today and he told me he was quitting the band to go with some other blokes."

⊱ ────── {.⋅ ✯ ⋅.} ────── ⊰

You walk out of the bedroom with your hair pulled up, wearing an old, ragged t-shirt, blue jeans and a worn-out pair of sneakers. You know that if you take a nap like you desperately want to you would lose all motivation to at least get started with the cleanup. You stand in the living room and try to decide which area you would tackle first. You start to remove the sheets and drop cloths that cover the furniture, making sure not to disturb the dust that had been collecting over the years. After everything is uncovered, you sit on the sofa and smile to yourself. “Home. I'm finally home.”

This room feels cluttered. You look over to the old apothecary cabinet that is against a window on the back wall and think if you move it somewhere else it would feel more open. You try, but it’s heavier than it looks. After struggling to get it to the back of the room, you realize it won’t fit against the wall under the huge mirror that is hanging there. Frustrated, more at yourself for not planning it out better, you start to yell. "Dammit!" Your voice echoes throughout the room and over to the other side of the wall. After yelling out every possible word you could think of that fit the moment, you turn on your heels, face the rest of the room, and realize how loud it is in there without the rugs down. "Where are the rugs?" you yell. "This room needs fucking rugs!" You start walking around the room as if your heavy pacing will make rugs miraculously appear when you hear a knock on the door.

Still in your fit of anger, you fling open the door, exasperated. "I told you to come get me if you needed help, dear." Freddie says, standing there, somewhat taken aback by the look of utter frustration on your face. "What's going on over here?"

"I can't put the fucking cabinet against the wall and I can't find the fucking rugs and..."

He grabs your shoulders and starts shaking you, trying to calm you down. "Why are you doing this today? You should be resting," Freddie says in an almost paternalistic tone. "Show me what you're trying to do." He nudges you inside, following you to the middle of the room. "Well, love, that won't fit..."

You snap. "I know it won't fit. I know that now." You gaze angrily at the mirror on the wall. "And I can't move the mirror because I'm too short." You sigh, realizing that Freddie is the last person you should be taking your anger out on. "I'm sorry for being bitchy. I'm just so tired."

He smiles at you reassuringly and puts his hands on your shoulders and stares into your eyes trying to calm you down. "I know you're tired. Wait here and I'll get some help, alright?" You nod, and Freddie walks out the door, leaving it open so he doesn’t have to bother you again.

⊱ ────── {.⋅ ✯ ⋅.} ────── ⊰

"Alright, you two, I need someone tall and strong to come help our damsel in distress," Freddie called out as he walked back into his flat.

Roger quickly stood up, ready to spring into action, before Brian pushed him back down. "He said 'tall,' Rog ," Brian joke s . At over six feet tall, Brian didn't exactly tower over Roger and Freddie, but he never wasted a chance to let them know that he was taller than them.

"He also said 'strong,' Bri," Roger sarcastically replie d.

"Cut it out," Freddie interrupted. "I need at least one of you to come help." Both walked eagerly to the door, anxious to meet their new neighbor. "And Roger? I'm warning you now. Do not..."

Roger rolled his eyes. "I know, I know. 'Do not corrupt her.' I know." He smirked mischievously and walked out the door. Freddie turned to Brian.

"I'm not going to corrupt her either, Fred,” Brian joked.

"You couldn't corrupt a virgin, Brian. I'm not worried about you." Brian raised an eyebrow and followed Freddie out the door.

⊱ ────── {.⋅ ✯ ⋅.} ────── ⊰

You’re standing off to the side of the living room with your back facing the door as the three of them walk in. You’re so deep in thought you didn't even hear their footsteps, trying to picture what the room would look like if you move some of the other furniture around. Your thoughts are interrupted by Freddie's voice. "I'm back and I've brought in the reinforcements."

Startled, you turn around, only to be startled once more, hoping desperately that you aren’t showing it, and politely smile at the two new visitors.

"Hi, I'm Roger," the blonde-haired one says as he moved in closer, hand extended. His eyes catch you completely off guard. They’re so blue – the bluest eyes you had ever seen.

"Oceans," you say out loud, feeling yourself turning red with embarrassment once you realize that didn't stay in your head. "I'm sorry," you try to recover, squinting your eyes and shaking your head. "Your eyes. They remind me of the Caribbean ocean, that's all. I've never seen eyes that color." You smile and shake his hand. "I'm Y/N. Nice to meet you."

Freddie quickly grabs your shoulders and directs your attention elsewhere. "This is my other roommate," glaring at Roger as if to tell him to stop thinking whatever he was thinking.

"Brian," the tall, curly haired one says with a smile. "I'm Brian. Nice to meet you, Y/N." He hold out his hand, which you happily shake and smile back. You don’t have to say anything. He knows the pleasantness he’s feeling while he’s touching your hand is reciprocated. Your shared gaze, handshake and smile lingers, not going unnoticed by the other two people in the room.

Freddie clears his throat, interrupting the shared trance between you and Brian. "So... shall we do this?" He walks over to the cabinet. "Brian, you're tall. Grab that mirror. Roger, help me push this thing over there." You stand back, watching the three of them get the cabinet saga resolved almost instantly. When they’re finished, they step back, admiring their work as if they had just finished building the Eiffel Tower. You can’t help but giggle. They all turn to face you when they hear.

"I'm sorry. It's just that you guys are so proud and..." You stop. You don’t want them to think you were making fun of them or that you’re unappreciative of the help. "It's just..." you stumble over your words and sigh. "Thank you. Really. I'd offer dinner or drinks, but I have nothing to give."

They all smile, no offense taken. Roger is the first to pipe up, completely amused and mystified by your voice. "I don't need a drink or food. Just keep talking to me. Your accent is..."

"Adorable." Everyone turns their eyes to Brian. He stands there, hand rubbing on the back of his neck, clearly embarrassed that he blurted that out. "Well, it is," he says, shrugging his shoulders. "Never heard an accent like yours. It's... adorable." You blush.

"It's sexy as hell," piped up Freddie. You scowl at him. "What? It is! You will melt a million hearts with that voice of yours. It's exotic around here." Roger and Brian nod in agreement while you blush even more. Freddie pinches your cheek and gives a wink as he tells you, "Get used to the attention, babe. You're gorgeous." He walks toward the door and beckons everyone to follow him. "Come, now. Let’s go home. You come too, Y/N. We have food and beer." The three of you follow, doing as you were told.

The guys have so many questions for you, naturally, as you do for them, and you feel surprisingly comfortable sharing a bit your story with them as all of you sip your bottles of beer and eat the sandwiches the guys were kind enough to supply. You learn how they met each other, and of their band. You find out about Roger's schooling for dentistry and Brian's work in astronomy. It was confirmed, just as you had guessed, that Freddie was the artistic one in the group. You give them very minimal details about your life, not wanting to scare them off. You do tell them about when you were 16 and left home to join the hippies out in San Francisco, which they find amusing. They wonder how you got here, so you explain that this place was your grandmother’s, and now it’s yours since both of your parents had passed away.

"So you're a spoiled little rich girl who decided to move to London and spend daddy’s money," Roger blurts out after taking a drag of his cigarette,  not angrily or being mean. He’s joking, but you don’t find it funny, at all. Freddie slaps the back of Roger's head. "What? I'm just joking! Y/N, come on, I'm sorry. I was just joking." You aren’t hearing any of it. You’re tired anyway and don’t have the energy to put up a fight.

You stand up, grab your empty bottle and walk to the door. "I'm calling it a day, guys. Thanks for the help, food and beer." Brian glares at Roger as he stands up to follow you. Freddie starts whispering something to Roger that you can’t make out, but you don’t care.

"Hey. Y/N. Wait..." Brian calls out. You stop at the door, turn around and meet Brian's hazel eyes yours. "He can be a jerk, don't get me wrong, but really, he was joking. Don't let him get to you, okay?"

"I'm fine. Really. I'm just tired, probably cranky and being over sensitive. I've had to deal with so many emotions today I don't think there are any left for me to feel. Happy, sad, scared, excited, angry, puce..."

Brian chuckles. "Puce? Is that what you said?"

"Yeah. Puce." You try your best to explain the emotion you’ve always called  puce . "I don't know what else to call it. It's that feeling of excitement, but you're still sad, and scared, not thrilled but terrified, you know? You don't know whether you want to laugh or cry or punch someone. It's a terrible feeling. I didn't know a word for it, so I thought of the most terrible color I could think of and, well, I can't think of a color worse than puce."

Brian looks down at you with an amused grin. He is intrigued, to say the least, and he’s finding himself completely spellbound, needing to know more about you. The physical attraction was apparent. He was studying your every feature while you were all talking, from the natural highlights in your hair down to the way your feet turn slightly inward when you sat down. The way you talk fast and get overly detailed when you’re trying to explain something. He found the little quirks he picked up on to be charming: the way you talk with your hands; the way you nibble on your fingernails when you’re listening intently; the way you fidget with your rings. He couldn't help but wonder how many other quirks you had.

"Well, Y/N, I hope tomorrow you feel like a prettier color." You softly smile and walked out, closing the door behind you.

He turned around to rejoin the guys, only to see Freddie and Roger smirking at him, as if they could read the thoughts that were swirling in his mind. "Come on, Bri. You'll see her tomorrow," Freddie assured him. "Let's so see whose playing at the club. Maybe we'll find new bass player."

[arinhanson-yousay]

Setting Fires

[HallPass ch3] Thomas and Arin both comforted by a curly-headed beaut

Pj had found Thomas out in the kitchen late at night, stress eating in the dark, which was new for Thomas so he took note of it. He was reluctant to share what troubled him, but around the time his tea was done steeping he was spilling it, as the kids say. Like the steam loosened him up. Pj patiently listened to him give the backstory as if he didn't already hear it through the grapevine first. He even gave little nods and "oh"s where appropriate. "So he's there with him tonight, eh?" He asked when he'd caught up to the current events. 

"Yeah. The second time this week." Thomas said looking out the window that provided a view of the Gamma house. "I didn't realise how different it was sleeping next to him until suddenly he's not there." Pj took a second to observe Thomas in this melodramatic space, a dark kitchen with a cup of tea and blanket draped over his shoulders. Very cinematic, very raw.

"Bullshit." He chuckled softly into his teacup before sipping. "You don't like that he is over there in some other man's bed. And that's okay Tommy, some may say that's normal for a married man even." 

"That's not it! I'm the one who told him to try this. I knew it make him happy, and I was right, by the way." He said a little indignant then tried to sip his tea but burned his tongue and coughed a bit. 

"Then tell me what's the difference between nights like this and any other night Daniel has stayed at Gamma working, or went to perform a show?" Pj asked sitting beside him and looking out to the Gamma house too. "Some of those nights were even with Arin, were they not? So what's different Tommy boy?" They both sat quietly in that question, and Pj could hear Thomas take a deep breath that made him smirk knowingly. He looked to him, seeing his shoulders rise and chest puff out. That cute look of determination scrunching up his nose and making his eyes narrow in focus. 

"You're right." 

"...Pardon?"

"Nothing is different. Danny is with someone he loves and he's having a fun night. Tomorrow, he'll be with me, and he'll still be with someone he loves and will have a fun night. I stand by my offer to him, and I will power through this rough patch! I love Danny so much I will let someone else love him, and I'll let him explore what he feels." He really had a way of talking like an after school special. Pj could hear the 90s sitcom audience "awe!" At him and the music play them out to commercial break. Pj sighed and wrapped his arm around Thomas' shoulders delicately. 

"I know you want to be this forward thinking lover of the future, but it's okay to not want to be like this. It's okay to not want to share. You bagged yourself a straight one, I hear that's a big deal or something or other. You don't have to hand him over to someone who couldn't catch him for seven years." He was hardly a man to medal in others business but Thomas had carved out a stubborn soft spot in Pj's heart for himself. He was tender and caring to a fault and someone had to be there to advocate for him. "Take care of yourself. It's what Danny would want if he knew you felt like this." He tacked on and finished his tea as he got off the counter. He let Thomas sit with his thoughts as he cleaned his cup, not realising Thomas warm gaze was on him until he spoke.

"It's what you want for me." He could hear the smug little cheeky smile Thomas had when he got to see the squishy sentimental insides of Pj. Without turning around Pj smirked and scoffed a bit. 

"Oh Tommy boy, what I would want for you is an entirely different cup of tea."

"You want me to stand up for myself, and Pj I promise if I have to I will, but I don't regret this." Thomas said confidently and sipped from his tea cup that was now cool enough for him to drink comfortably. Pj leaned back on the counter and looked at him with curious narrow eyes. He tried to picture what was going on in his brain, those cute little characters of his spinning little stories and fighting. 

"Promise me, when it comes down to it, you listen to Roman." He said shifting his weight back onto his feet and walking to stand in front of Thomas and break his gaze from the Gamma wall. "Whatever your fiery romantic tells you, listen to him." Thomas' eyes narrowed now, his lips pouted. Pj could see his reluctance, so he put up his pinky. "Promise me Thomas. Listen to your passion." Thomas huffed and rolled his eyes, mostly at himself, as he linked his pinky with Pj's 

"Okay Okay! Fine yes! I promise, if I think Roman would put an end to it, I will put an end to it." He agreed and took a deep breath to sigh it out. "Thank you for looking out for me, Peej."

"Oh no no, you're looming out for yourself. That's what you agreed to."

"You're looking out for me on a technicality!"

"If that's what you have to tell yourself Tommy boy."

"It is and I will!"

~~~~~~

Danny pulled out a Zippo and made a whole little performance of snapping it open and flicking the flame to life. He looked at it flicker a second, catching Arin doing the same and following it to the end of the blunt. Danny couldn't help but wear a smirk as he snapped the lighter shut and saw how Arin sat up a bit straighter. He took a hit and playfully blew the smoke at Arin, who leaned back giggling. 

"Asshole!"

"Oh come on! That's good stuff!"

"Whatever man! Hand it here, I wanna be a cool kid too!" He chuckled and took another hit before held it out to Arin. Danny gazed at him as he took the blunt from his hand. He was so cute looking at it end to end before going to put it to his lips, but first his eyes caught Danny's and his goofy look. "What? How can I already be doing it wrong?" 

"No! You're not doing anything wrong Big Cat!" He quickly tried to reassure him, leaning closer to him by shifting his weight forward onto his arm. "I'm just, wow, I'm hanging with the bad boy."

"What!?" Arin laughed and held the blunt away from himself to laugh. "It's your pot! You wanted me to try it with YOU! You lit it!"

"Just let me fucking enjoy this Arin, god!" He said playfully though his teeth, then they were both laughing. "But for real. Look at my hot, drop out, bad boy boyfriend smoking pot in my dorm room." He saw how Arin blushed but smiled at what he said and he could only smile more in return. "You like that I called you boyfriend more than anything else, don't you?" Arin nodded quickly with his eyes crinkled up in a smile. 

"Why are you so into me being a bad boy?" Arin asked and tried to go take a hit but he backed off from it again. Danny noticed the hesitation, hoping he could help him be comfortable. 

"I don't know man! Bad boys are hot! I was a super fucking nerd forever and you were a horse riding rebel. Let me have this!" Arin laughed harder, shaking his head and snorting a bit. "You feeling okay about this still, Big Cat?" He asked and crawled closer to Arin, laying his head into his lap. "You don't have to. You can just watch me fucking… float." He giggled and reached up to tenderly touch Arin's face. 

"But I wanna float with you." Arin sighed and leaned over to kiss Danny on the nose before taking the hit he was building up to. Danny felt his heart race a bit and a grin take his face, even as Arin coughed a bit. He didn't care weather Arin got high with him or not at the end of the day, but he was so excited that he trusted Danny enough to make this high a good one and to take care of him. 

He spent time picking the best movies to watch and making his room super starter stoner friendly. All the snacks his baby could want and plenty of water bottles chilling in his mini fridge. He even learned how to use grub hub to make sure they could get real food if he wanted later. He was so nervous that he'd invite Arin into this experience just to make him panic like he had before, but he was determined to give him the relaxation he'd been seeking. Last time he was doing edible with an asshole sadist so he was already off to a good start. Arin knew Danny was treating him with kid gloves, and it made him feel bad, like he was ruining his boyfriends fun. He was so much more complementary and liberal with his usually reserved nickname. He used it when he was most stressed and in need of empowerment, so he must have really wanted Arin to see this though. And he was gonna! 

Some time after the blunt became a roach Arin was laying out on the bed as his head began to swim, his head placed between Danny's legs but not in the sexy way. He looked up at him as Danny played with his hair, sitting in a wide stance. "You doing okay?" He asked gently from over him and ran his fingers through his locks.

"Yeah, I'm just, it feels funny." He chuckled and reached up to grab Danny's hand to hold. Some of his hair was in the grasp but he wasn't bothered by it right now. "I feel like I can't feel anything, but I feel everything." He tried to explain, which made Danny snicker. "Heeeeey! No making fun of me, you promised."

"I'm not, man, I'm not! You're just-" he cut himself off with a burst of giggles, looking down at his pouty partner who was dipping a toe in the sauce. "You're just cute, I can't help it."

"Oh yeah! Sure!"

"No really!" 

They both laid in the giggling fit for a bit, which was normal for them so, Arin started to forget he was pretty smoked out for a bit. Things were so comfortable and Danny was thriving! He was sure he solved Arin's pot puzzle and they could start to relax, not worrying he might lose touch. He got up to get drinks from the kitchen, some soda for Arin he didn't keep in his room, entering the room talking about something he remembered from class the other day, some stupid thing another student said as he poured the drink into a cup and grabbed himself a handful of candies to nibble on. When he turned to face him to see why he didn't comment on his story he saw his eyes locked on something in the room. Danny followed the gaze to the floor, a tour shirt that been thrown there earlier in the day. For a moment, Danny wanted to ignore it. 

"You… want this?" He asked with a small chuckle, picking it up and walking towards him, Arin's eyes moved somewhere else but his troubled expression held as he tried to shake out his head. "Arin?"

"What were you doing?" He asked swallowing hard right after he looked around and after a moment found his water bottle to take a sip. "You left me for so fucking long dude."

"Arin, it was just a few minutes. You're just lost in the sauce, big cat." He chuckled and sat beside him. Closer now he could note his deep breathing and small distressing sounds he whimpered out. "Hey hey, Big Cat, what's… it was just a minute. What did- what's wrong?" Danny reached for his hand, making sure he was okay with the touching before taking both of them. 

"What if… what if this is all just picked for us? What if this isn't a choice?" He could feel his own struggle articulating why he was panicked, but he was trying through the pounding in his chest and ringing in his thoughts. "What if you didn't actually want this? It could all be designed. What if you'd never chose me?"

"Arin, you know I don't believe in destiny." Danny meekly replies, tilting his head with a frown. "All life is, is choices we make. One foot falling in front of the other. We only move in one direction so when we make a good choice by chance, it feels like it was meant to be." He gave a shrug and moved in closer, sitting behind him and wrapping his arms around, laying his head against Arin's. "Despite and because of everything, I chose you. And I know I did it. I wanted to work with you, I said yes to game grumps, I want to do that with you until we both die on camera, because it makes me the happiest I could imagine myself being. Nothing had to tell me to do that." He held Arin a bit tighter when he felt how he was calming down. His hands moved up and found a place to rest on Danny's forearms that laid over his own chest. 

"You chose Thomas… all the time that's passed, you chose him, not me, but now-"

"Arin, you weren't even single in all that time I sat beside you, falling in love with you in another way. You were my best friend and happy with… with her." Arin never thought of it like that. Danny wasn't much one for the forbidden fruit. Why put something in your cart that was out of stock? 

"And now?"

"Now, we're lucky aren't we? We have this chance for us to fall in love, for me to follow the happiness you bring me even deeper. Maybe not deeper, maybe just differently?" Arin chuckled pulling out of the embrace to look back at Danny grinning.

"You're such a fortune cookie." He chuckled and laid his hand on the other's cheek. "Where do you get off saying things that gross and romantic?"

"I get off right here in this bed." He replied quickly with a smirk, which made Arin blush and laugh as he leaned his head down into Danny's chest to finish collecting himself. He took a deep breath, taking in the familiar scent, warm and clean. Danny stroked his hair, humming a little tune to him. "I think its movie time."

"Sure."

"Want to watch speed racer?"

"No, too familiar."

"Okay, what about something animated?" 

"Can you just like…. Sing to me a little bit first?" He asked very quiet, knowing Danny wouldn't say no but feeling bashful for wanting something so cliche. 

"Of course, Big Cat." Danny couldn't care less, he was grinning at the thought of what song to sing to him in his head. 

"Then can we watch the new Aladdin and laugh at Will Smith's blue nipples?"

"Fuck yeah we can baby!"

Danny ended up softly serenading Arin for quite a while, even after Arin had returned to laying between his legs, and after he interrupted his set to make out for a while. He couldn't get enough of Danny's smooth and soothing voice. Danny couldn't get enough of the way Arin gazed at him when he sang, even when he messed up the words or couldn't hit the right note because of how quiet and gentle he was being. By the time they got the movie put on he had sobered up enough for them to talk about nonsense for a while, and to get bored of the movie to play a silly physics co-op game. Somewhere between throwing snacks into each others mouths and kissing Arin goodnight, Danny stopped feeling like he did wrong by him. He felt like they overcame something greater than his history of bad highs.

"I love you." He whispered even long after he heard Arin start to softly snore into his chest. He held him a bit tighter and chuckled at himself. He said this so many times to Arin, but it was like saying a phrase you never knew the meaning of until now. The etymology finally all falling into place as he held the other man against his body in the moonlight that dripped into his window. "I love you, Arin Hanson." He sighed, trying it out more. He had to find a way to say it that sounded different than any other time he told him. He needed to find a way that that Arin could feel what it meant this time, show him a Rosetta stone that made all the words mean what he felt right now. He started to make a plan, even as he drifted off too.

[superrocs]

Introduction and Character Info!

Hiya there! This is a new account that I created to show off the superhero characters that I created! I wanted to get them out into the open, and thought that Tumblr was a good choice to start with. Below I’m gonna leave a bunch of information about my characters and some important stuff you’d want to know if you decide to follow me! Please consider reading the below information, as it would really mean a lot to me! It won’t take very long, so click below! Also, reblog this if you want so that more people can see! It  would be very helpful!

First and foremost, these characters are inspired slightly by the MCU/Marvel comics in general, due to the fact that they are superheros, one of them is a mutant, and another a Spidersona. But besides that they are entirely my own, and I have created everything about them, including their backstories, personalities, and suits. The links to a bunch of stuff about them are in my bio, so take a look at those if you want to learn about them. 

Some extra info:

1. Yes, you may ask me questions about them. I love answering questions about my OC’s and will never get sick of it, so ask away! 

2. Yes, you can create art of them if you want to for some reason haha! If you do, please do not take credit for the character idea.

3. As said above, NEVER take credit for any of my characters EVER! There will be serious consequences if you do, so just don’t!

4. You can honestly create whatever for them. Fanfic, headcanons, mood boards, whateves. I don’t care what you make for them, as long as it isn’t inappropriate, and you aren’t taking credit for the character idea. 

5. Be nice. Don’t bash my characters for no reason. I’m open to constructive criticism, but don’t be plain out rude. 

Here’s a brief summary of each character, that will definitely make you want to learn more about them! ;)

Juniper Joyfield (Main Character/Superhero):

An anxious, over-thinking, goofball who has a desperate wish for things like superpowers, different dimensions, and magical creatures to be real. She always thought that the one thing she wanted most wasn’t possible. She gained her powers of telekinesis, phasing, and life force healing by mistake and now has to learn to cope with her biggest wish coming true. 

Kit Bellen (Main Character/Superhero):

Part of a different universe than Juniper, Kit is a confident, hot-headed careful thinker that is her earth’s Spider-Man, or shall I say Spider-Haze! She too was bitten by a radioactive spider, and has the same abilities as all the other Spider-People, plus a little something more. All she wants is for her city to see her as a hero, but having a masked identity will make that a little hard. 

Sadie Seawell (Supporting Character/Superhero):

In the same universe as Juniper, Sadie is a young girl, who was born a mutant. She has the power to harvest the energy from plants and turn them into powerful blasts that could burn/disintegrate someone. She’s Juniper’s biggest fan and wants to be mentored by her. 

Animus (Supporting Character/Villain):

Juniper’s biggest enemy, her daughter died on the night Juniper came to term with her powers. She blames Juniper for her daughter’s death. Animus has the power to manipulate memories in a cruel and twisted way, mentally breaking down her victims. 

That’s pretty much it! I’ll try to post little tidbits about my characters frequently, and will probably post excerpts from their stories for you all to enjoy! This account will thrive off of you asking me questions about them, so fire away! I’m also super interested in hearing about your OC’s! Especially if they are superheros! So if you give me a follow, I’ll do the same back! I love supporting over writers/character creators, so don’t be shy! 

Thank you for reading! 

[namjoonsteeth]

Back To You- Day 1

Title: Back To You (mini-series) Day 1 of 7

Word-Count: 4.5k

Summary: Jay has been Eden’s weakness for far too long. As much as she tells herself she’s over him, all it takes is one call for her to drop everything and fly to Rome for a week to help him out. He wants a second chance, she just wants to stop being so foolish when it comes to him. They both have 7 days in Italy to figure it out.

Genre: Angst

Cover made by @obiwon-shenobi

I don’t know why I’m here. 

I promised myself months ago that I’d stop jumping when he asks me to. Still, here I am with a suitcase in each hand and my camera bag on my back; all because he made one single call. 

Jay has always been used to getting what he wants. His success was eighty-nine percent hard work, one percent luck, and ten percent simply wishing things into fruition. His latest trick, getting me to fly to Italy for seven days to shoot something for him. 

Maybe the fact that it didn’t take much spoke louder on my part than his, really. I’ve been weak for about two years now. Salivating for any piece of attention he’d thrown my way and pretending that none of it matters anymore. Obviously, I’m doing a pretty shit job. 

It’s work, Eden. That’s all it is.

I’ve been lying to myself from the minute I agreed to do the job until this very second. It’s not just work. With him, who sets my blood on fire with merely a look, who can make me ask how high when he says jump, it can never be just work. 

I make my way from baggage claim in more time than I’m hoping for. By the time I’m headed toward the van that’s supposed to be waiting for me, it’s already ten minutes past the scheduled time Jay had sent me. Granted, I don’t think he’d leave me, but I’m not really wanting to make a late entrance. It’s the first time I’m meeting a majority of the H1gher music team and I want to get in and out as seamlessly as possible. At least with them, there’s no backstory. They didn’t see Jay and I sneak in and out of each other’s room, walking on the beach late at night, making out at the after parties. I’m just a photographer. That’s all I’m really here for and that’s all they need to know. 

I’m just about to walk outside when one of my bags gets caught on the metal threshold. My foot follows causing me to trip slightly and let go of the bag. I bend down to pick it up but someone beats me to it. A tattooed hand that looks way too familiar for my benefit. My gaze follows up his arm, hoping that maybe some other pale-skinned guy has gotten the same tattoos as Jay Park and is standing in front of me. 

Of course, I was bound to run into him. I just wasn’t expecting to see him while I smell like hours of travel and looked less than appealing. I know that it shouldn’t matter what I look like to him. He’s in the past, well at least his opinion is. Still, I feel my eyes roll inwardly at my luck as I finally land on his light brown eyes and chiseled jaw. 

“Eden,” his mouth pulls into one of those heart stopping small smiles and I want to get back on the next plane to L.A. I can’t do this. Not when he looks better than the last time I’ve seen him, which seems both impossible and unfair. 

His hair falls in his face a bit, his arms are bulkier; straining against the material of his t-shirt, and his mouth just seems more sinful. And I’m....wearing sweats. My frizzy hair is piled into a loose bun on top of my head. And again, I smell like an airplane.  

A hand reaches out to touch my elbow. He catches me, keeping my body upright with only a hand. It’s like a thousand bolts light up my skin. Seeing him again is one thing, having his eyes focused solely on me is another. I watch his eyes take me in. I’ve seen him one time after the tour ended almost six months later and that went just as well as the rest of it just with a lot more screaming and yelling.    I wonder if he thinks I’ve changed in the last year and a half. How different do I look to him? Though I’m younger than him by only almost a decade, back then it just seemed like such a larger gap. 

Maybe it was because I couldn’t really be around him with noticing the differences in our ages. He was twenty-nine, CEO of a company, life already figured out and thriving, and I was...young. At twenty-one, I thought I was an adult. I thought that I had already stepped into grown-up world, but around Jay, I couldn’t help but feel...naive. Like I had so much to learn and he had so much to teach me. 

It’s not that he’d ever done anything to belittle me. In fact, it was the opposite. He’d held me to such a high standard that I felt myself become an adult with him. Not just when he touched me. When he’d asked me about what I wanted to do in life more than anything. When we just...talked. Also, when he touched me too; but that’s an entirely different story that I can’t think about while he looks at me like this. 

“Clumsy,” he smiles at me. 

I pull out of his grip. I want to tell him not to pretend that after spending only a few weeks with me he knows who I am. I want to shake any past memories of the immature me out of his head. 

Instead, I tighten my grip on my suitcases and look at the space between our feet. It’s true. I am clumsy. I always have been, probably always will be. That’s kind of what this feels like, standing here with him. It’s clumsy, uneven, unstable, tethering between self-destruction and gluttony. 

“Will you not say anything?” 

“Hi,” I say lamely. My brows pull in in frustration. At myself mostly. I could’ve said no to all of this. Who are we kidding though? I never would. Not to him. Not when for the past two years this is all I’ve secretly wanted. 

“Hi, Eden,”

“Everyone waiting on me?”

He shakes his head, looking around. His reaches up to guide me out of the way but he’s careful not to touch. He saw me draw my boundaries earlier. Hopefully, he’ll keep them. 

“They’re scattered trying to find bags. Some are in the van sleeping already,”

I nod, unsure of what else to say. 

“Any van ok?” I ask, desperate to get away from him. 

He watches me for a long time before nodding. “Yeah, you’re good to go where ever you want. There should be two vans out front. I think Mina and Jisoo are already ready,”

“Ok thank you,” I slip past him without another word. I don’t think I realize I’m holding my breath until I’ve put a few feet between us. 

I see familiar faces standing near the second white van that’s waiting in a line out front. I pull my stuff with me toward Simon, who spots me almost at the same time as Chase. I liked both of them. Simon was more of a quiet, sit back and watch type while Chase and Jay were the rowdy ones of the three CEOs. Simon holds his arms out, his lips pulling to the side in a small smile. I was the closest to him, having known him before I went on tour with Aomg two years ago. He’s friends with my boss, so whenever he happened to be in L.A for work he’d drop by the studio. 

His arms arm around me squeezing tightly. 

“How do you get sexier  every time I see you?” He asks taking my bags from me and putting them in the bag of the van. 

“It’s just that you’re getting older. Your vision is fading,” I laugh as he pulls me into a headlock. He lets me go but keeps an arm around my shoulders. 

“Hey Chase,” I say, waving at the guy who has his eyes glued to his cellphone. He leans over to peck my cheek. 

“I’m so glad I’m not the only black one here anymore. Not only am I surrounded by Koreans but now it’s Koreans in Italy. I stand out too much,” I laugh and roll my eyes. 

Simon helps me get into the van. Thankfully, it’s a bunch of Aomg guys that I know already. I don’t think I can do introductions while I look like this. Not when they insist on signing attractive people. The guys of Aomg feel like family. They crack jokes about not seeing me for a while, all while skirting around the fact that it’s more than likely their boss’s fault. Still, no one asks and I’m grateful. It’s not until Jay climbs in do we feel any tension. Maybe I’m the only one that feels the difference. Somehow he’d switched with Chase so that it’s him pressed against my side. I look up at him while he turns to laugh with the guys behind us. 

What the hell am I doing?

Jay and I’s story should’ve been ended. The time we spent together for a month traveling around the US two years ago, ended. Whatever feelings I thought I had, or whatever I thought would happen after, obviously didn’t. And yet, I feel myself holding on. I feel myself reading into this too much. 

It's just a job, Eden. Don’t fuck yourself up again over this guy.

I’m in a constant battle with myself. Pre-warning my heart to stay objective. To remember why he’s not the one for me. But I’m here. I came all because he called. I could twist that and turn it any way I wanted; the truth is that he still owns me. 

I’m in my thoughts for most of the ride to the Villa we’re all supposed to be staying at. I’m caught between scolding myself and trying my hardest not to react whenever Jay’s skin comes in contact with mine. I’m failing at both tasks. When we pull up to the house, almost an hour has passed and the sun just about starting to set. I look behind me to see that most of the guys are either on their phones or asleep after the long plane ride. 

We all file out slowly, stretching our limbs out and taking in the huge house in front of us. I feel my fingers itching to pull my camera out to take a picture of the sun setting between the ivory pillars in front of the house. 

Simon interrupts my gazing as he addresses all of us in Korean. Of course, I have no idea what he’s actually saying. I glance at Chase who’s not paying attention. I’m sure he already knows what the plan is. I look over at Jay. His eyes are already on me. I drop my gaze quickly and squeeze my eyes shut. Why am I torturing myself? I could be home right now, on the beach, thousands of miles away from Jay Park. 

Everyone starts grabbing luggage and dispersing. I thank Simon as he rolls my stuff out to me. When the vans leave, it’s just Jay and I lagging behind. I have a feeling he’s purposely lingering. 

“Can we talk?” He asks too hopefully. 

Why can’t I just tell him no? Why does every word he says pushes me into action? He’s just a guy. I’d given him too much dominion over my heart and body. To much power for him to say move whenever he wants. 

“Sure,” I whisper. 

He reaches out and pulls one of my suitcases toward him. We walk slowly behind everyone else, talking lowly. Everyone’s so excited to get into the house. I admit that I am too. The front is filled with lush green bushes and y’all pillars. Lanterns hang from each one connected by hanging lights leading up to the door. A small fountain takes up the center forcing the path made of pebbles to circle around it before joining back together. It’s really too beautiful for words. It just looks like someone is supposed to fall in love in front of it. 

“Thank you for helping me,” he tells me. “I know that you’ve been busy, but I appreciate it,”

I push the loose hair out of my face, my eyes dropping from his. I can only take the heat in his gaze for so long before I combust. I’m not willing to fall apart in the front of a romantic villa in the most romantic city in the world. I won’t give him that much power, especially not on day one. 

“No problem,” I clear my throat and reach out to wrap my hand around the handle of my suitcase he’d been rolling. Not paying attention, he thinks the case is dropping and wraps his own hand around mine to keep it from falling to the ground. 

Skin contact has always been my weakest point. I think I love it too much. He looks down at his hand against mine and squeezes gently before letting go. I squeeze my eyes shut tightly, willing away thoughts of his hands. God, I’m actually pathetic. I have to behave. There’s no choice in the matter. I will not go down the same road with Jay Park. I have to have at least a little self-preservation. 

I pull in a shaky breath, drawing strength from the memories of everything that happened after the tour. It won’t happen again, Eden.

“I missed-,”

I don’t let him finish. I raise my voice to speak over him. He can’t finish the sentence. Not when I’m failing so hard at forcing my heart to be good. “I’m going to go get cleaned up. There should be an email in reply to your company itinerary you sent me in about thirty minutes after with the individual shots and group shots,” I nod awkwardly and begin making my way to my room. 

“Eden,”

I ignore how good it sounds to hear him say my name when it’s all I’ve wanted to hear for so long and pull my suitcases along with me. My room is upstairs near the girls’ room. I expect to share with at least one other person, but with the twins rooming together and the only female artist flying in for the last few days of the trip, I’m on my own for now. 

My room is just as pretty as the rest of the house. With only a large bed and a vanity in the corner, the room feels huge. There’s tons of space; too much for me alone. I sit on the bed, looking down at my phone. We’re all supposed to meet for dinner downstairs. Apparently, the bosses set up a dinner for our first night here. Bless them. I’m too tired to try and figure out what I’ll eat and communicate with the locals. 

I get up to shower and try to look like a human at least for the rest of the night. I pull on a pair of jeans and a shirt that looks decent enough to eat in a villa in Rome. Still, I feel immensely underdressed. My job is to take pictures of pretty people not to try and look like them. 

Taking out my phone again, I sync my schedule for the next few days with the one Jay sent me. They want to completely redo the aomg website with updated pictures for the artists as well as work on one for h1gher music. As cool as it is to be in Rome, I still have a lot of work to do this week. I head downstairs, running into Jisoo who links her arm around mine as we make our way to the table. She has me laughing by the time we join everybody and take our seats. Everyone filters in quickly, talking loudly in both English and Korean. 

Jay comes in last, his eyes glued to his phone. I can’t take my eyes off of him no matter how much I need too. His hair is gelled back out of his face, a satin patterned shirt is thrown overtop a white tank top with one side tucked into his jeans. 

He takes the seat right across from me, forcing our eyes to hold each other. I look away first but I can still feel the heat of his eyes on me. I try to ignore it, introducing myself to some of the guys who I’ve never met that sit around me. The food comes out soon after. The dinner table is chaotic as expected. With both his companies here, there’s a lot of conversations being carried all at once. Everyone is excited to get time to be together for a few days even if it’s still for work. The H1gher music guys and the Aomg crew all get along well, anybody looking from the outside wouldn’t be able to tell who is who. It’s a good atmosphere, but I still can’t relax. All I feel is Jay’s eyes on me from across the table. He doesn’t even try to hide his stare when our eyes meet. The corner of his mouth pulls up slightly but other than that, it’s all I get from him. 

“I can’t believe we’re on a family vacation,” Jisoo sighs bumping against my arm with a smile. 

I roll my eyes. “Family vacation?”

“It feels like it,” Mina chimes in from the other side of me. 

Sitting in the middle of both of them is such a blow to my already fragile complex. The twins seem to go to great lengths to seem identical. Both have long dark hair that shines entirely too bright to be natural. At this point, a lot of things are creepily similar. I guess it’s their charm. Regardless, they’re both insanely gorgeous. 

I got to know both of them when they were styling the Aomg tour and we stayed close. Whenever they make it to L.A, we catch up. Between the two of them, they make both companies look good. Being a stylist to at least twenty individuals with different styles has to be a lot of work. 

“Eden,” Chase says loudly. Most eyes swing to my face. I feel the heat rise toward the apples of my cheeks and up my neck. There’s too many unfamiliar faces for me to feel comfortable. 

“What have you been up to? It’s been a while since we last saw you,”

Two years, Chase.

I clear my throat searching for an answer better than my reality. I’ve been working. That’s pretty much it. Trying to fill my schedule up so that I don’t remember that I’m too young to feel so completely alone. 

“I’ve been traveling for work,” I finally say after taking a sip of wine. 

“So, Italy isn’t anything special for you?” He laughs along with a few more people. 

“Rome for a whole week is,” I say trying to sound light and breezy.

“Where have you been?” Someone asks. It’s Gray. Another person I’ve met before. He’s always seemed kind, quiet even. Pretty nonetheless. 

“I’m usually bouncing between New York and L.A., but I do get to go on trips every once and a while. Last month I was in London, before that I spent a half day in China, I also did Amsterdam a few months ago,”

Luckily that’s all I’m asked before the food is brought out and several conversations start up again. Mina and Jisoo fill me in on their lives but I don’t catch half of it because they insist on speaking at the same time. As much as the girls and a few of the guys around us are entertaining, it’s impossible to forget Jay. I’m aware of each time he opens his mouth to speak. When he laughs, I find myself focusing on the sound. It’s only infatuation, I remind myself. 

After dinner, I try not to linger, no matter how much the girls ask me to stick around. I say goodnight to everyone, promising to catch up with Mina and Jisoo tomorrow. 

The walk back to my wing of the villa seems long. The house is too big for its own good. The fact that guys could afford this isn’t that surprising neither is the fact that they’re treating everyone. I’ve always tried not to dwell too much on where   Jay’s money ended and company funds started, but I always found it interesting. He’s so young and he’s managing it all almost on his own. Once in my room, I slip my sandals off and pull at the fabric of my top, ready to take it off when someone knocks on my door. 

I pull the door open slowly afraid that there’s other housekeeping rules someone forgot to tell me or someone bringing me something I forgot at the table. 

Unfortunately, it’s neither. 

It’s Jay. 

Of course, it is. I don’t know how I expected this trip to not be exactly like last time; how I  didn’t expect him to be exactly the same. Late night visits like this eventually turned into sharing a room by the end of the month last time. That could absolutely not happen. 

“Did you need something?” I ask not stepping out. I can feel my forehead wrinkle with a frown. Surely he was getting that I really didn’t want him here. Actually, I’m still undecided if I even want to be here. 

“We need to talk,” he tells me. He reaches up running a hand over the back of his next. “I mean for real, Eden. Not that surface bullshit,”

I feign ignorance, raising my eyebrows. “Is there a conflict with the schedule? I tried to make sure nothing overlapped. I’ll have to take a look at it again-,”

“Eden,” he interrupts, smiling softly. He pushes the same hand through his dark hair, his eyes focusing on me. 

“The schedule is perfect. I could’ve emailed you about it if that was the case. I’m talking about us; about you avoiding me,”

“I’m not avoiding you. What do you want me to do, climb back in your bed?” I snap without really meaning to. 

“You won’t even talk with me for more than five minutes, Eden,”

I sigh rubbing at my temples and squeezing my eyes shut to keep from staring at him. Everything about him right now draws me in. He’s a weakness. 

“There should be nothing to talk about outside of working, Jay. You asked me to come so I’m here,”

“I missed you,” he says drawing closer. I feel the heat roll off of his body and slam into mine. “I really fucking missed you,”

“Jay-,”

“You can tell if I’m lying, Eden. I missed you so much that I couldn’t stop thinking about what to say when I saw you again,”

I don’t know what to say. I’m honestly too tired to say anything that I’ll be satisfied with in the morning. I should just say goodnight and shut the door. But I can’t. 

“You look good,” he says quietly.

He tucks his hands into his pockets and leans against the wall beside my door. If I had my camera around my neck, I swear I’d take his picture. Even now, when I’m trying my best to not be affected, he’s too beautiful.

I shake my head at him. 

“We’re not doing this, Jay,”

He looks down at the ground for a second. His head nods like he’s understanding something. Maybe he’s finally getting just how serious this is to me. If I fall back into line with him, just because he looks good and feels good, what does that make me? 

“I can’t tell you that you look good?” He asks me seriously, looking at me like it’s an innocent question. 

“I’m here for work. I’m here because you asked me for a favor and for some stupid reason that’s none of your business anymore, I’m here. I’m working. I’m having fun with friends-“

“And I’m not included in that?” He interrupts. 

“No, Jay. We’re not friends. Frankly, I don’t think I can be friends with you,” He crosses his arms across his own chest. His jaw tightens, and for the first time, he’s showing me something. He’s giving me something other than the slight indifference I’ve gotten for years now. 

“I don’t know what I did wrong, Eden. I guess that’s what’s part of the problem right?” He laughs humorlessly. “Whatever I did, I’m sorry. But I can’t fix it until we talk. Until we figure out how we feel-,”

“Felt,” I whisper. 

I feel my eyes start to burn, and I’ll be damned if I cry in front of him. 

“It’s done. Whatever could have been is done and I want to get through these next couple of days as smoothly as possible without remembering-,” I stop myself, tilting my head willing away tears that come anyway. My fingers swipe under my eyes refusing to let them fall. Not until he leaves.

My breathing is shaky and unstable as I sigh. Still, I push through. I don’t think anyone really knows the extent that we hurt people until we hear them saying it. I don’t want to be misconstrued. I’m not a fan of hiding really. Not when it matters. 

“I won’t pretend that when I look at you, pieces of me doesn’t still think about where we could’ve been but it’s over. I don’t want to fix anything. I want to work. So, we’re not going there again. I’m just uninterested in feeling like that again,”

I wrap my arms around myself. “I’m honored you trust me enough with such a big project, but that all it is ok? We’re working,”

“No,” 

I don’t know what I expected him to say, but it was far from the simple single word. 

“You can act like I can’t see you all you want Eden, but you’re here. And that means something. So I’m going to cling to that and figure out how to show you that I’ve never wanted to not be with you. Even now that’s all I think about, all the fucking time. I still feel what I felt the last time we were together. I still want to be with you,”

My mouth opens the protest but he interrupts.  

“I won’t force you into anything you don’t want, and I won’t be unprofessional when it’s time to work, but I feel like this is my last chance with you Eden. I’m not going to waste it,”

He leans in, a hand on my elbow again. His mouth draws closer until it brushes so lightly over my cheek that I’m not even sure if he touches me or not. He lingers in my space for a beat too long before he turns and leaves me standing in the doorway. 

If I was smart, this would be easy. I would stay in my room or explore the city on my own when I wasn’t needed to work. But I’ve been known to make rash, emotion-driven decisions. 

Let’s just hope this week doesn’t do any more damage than what I came with.

[madestrcng]

tagged by: @dcputyrook​ tagging: whomest ever

BASICS:

Name: Bee ;w; Age: 22 Pronouns: they / them Sexuality: Gay Zodiac sign: Capricorn  Taken or single: single pringle Four Things About This Blog: ✘ I originally made it to be a John Seed blog while I was still playing through the game, but after considering and playing more of it, I decided on Staci instead.  ✘ Partly why I decided on Staci was because he was similar to a muse I use to play that I missed, and mostly because I found @badwclv​‘s blog in the tags while I was on my personal and I just ???? wanted to have a reason to write with them and I hadn’t seen any blogs for Staci when I looked. So I was the first to write him on here. ✘ uuuuuuh, a lot of Staci’s backstory is based on previous characters I played from other fandoms that I thought were similar, my own personal experience (see below), and some fanfics I had read about him. His secondary verse (cult verse) is heavily influenced by a fanfic actually. Embarrassing to admit haha I just found the story concept and Staci’s development interesting and I wanted to see where I could go with that. ✘ I write Staci as being Native American and had grown up on the Rez. Mostly because I myself am Native American and grew up and lived on an Indian reservation all my life before moving for College. I decided to do this partly because of how Staci looked (nonwhite, dark hair, etc), and also based on the general area of where this might all take place. Montana is home to a lot of different Indigenous tribes, like The Cheyenne, Crow Nation, Bitterroot Salish, Blackfoot, just to name a few. I decided on Blackfoot because their reservation is North of where Hope County is supposed to be set. Idk if that is really that interesting but I just ??? wanted to do it, because not a lot is known about Staci before EG, and I found it as a way to build his character and connect to him more personality. Like, if he and I shared experiences even if they were mundane and small, it would make writing him more real to me?? Idk f that makes sense, but point is that bc of this I created like 5 other FC5 OCs or Other Characters (Wheaty) on my multi who are also Indigenous and I get to thrive??? writing native characters??? Thanks I suck lmao

Three Mun Facts: ✘ I will go the fuck off about character theories or headcanons for the most minor characters ever. I only really do it on discord because I fear being annoying and spamming but, I got some deep ass metas in my head. ✘ I wanted to be a filmmaker since I was 4 years old, and I made some short films in middle school and high school. So when I graduated I moved across the country a month later and went to film school. I graduated with a degree in film & cinematography, and every time I watch Inside Eden’s Gate or any of the shorts made for Far Cry, I cry because I wanna make some shit like that. Super wild. ✘ I can play bass guitar and use to be able to play piano like a mf but I stopped and now I’m really rusty. Anyway, hire me to be your bassist in your punk band ;3c

EXPERIENCE:

How’d you start: I rped Naruto over texting with my best friend in Middle School. Platforms you’ve used:  I pretty much jumped right into tumblr after that, never did the forums or anything. I think for awhile we used skype :0 but I only really rped over skype, email, facebook, and texting on and off for awhile with her. But I found uuuuuh, a Durarara!! rp group randomly like two years later and was like oh???  Anyway, so I’ve used skype, email, tumblr, aim??, facebook, and I now RP on Discord a lot more. Best experience: honestly hard to say, I think when I just met people I really hit it off with and we just meshed well is always the best. But if I have to be specific uuuuh, I once joined an RP group about Gods or something, and I eventually got my best friends to join which is what got them into Rping. Also through it I met another girl who became like, my best friend online for YEARS after that, from age like, 13 to age 20?? And also bc I was a big gay, I fell in love with her which uuh, didn’t end well but point is that, the best part is just making friends who you love and adore who stick with you even after the group or fandom you were in together dies.  Worst experience:  fuck ok honestly, I had someone who would hound me to ship all the time, and would follow me every time I moved blogs. They would constantly hound me to write smut with them (even tho I was underage) and if I said no they would just be like oh well too bad and would start writing their character doing some shit with mine and get really fucking mean to me if I didn’t reply. Also would constantly bug me to reply to them and guilt trip me, even if I wasn’t home to reply or if I was at school, they would get really mean and vicious about it. And would post horrible shit about me on the dash and stuff when I wasn’t home to reply to our threads.

And they would constantly like, play if off like I was the bad guy and the abusive one and was overall just really toxic and super mean to me and my friends? Pushed away my other shipping partners, forced me to tell my best friend I cant ship with her anymore or else??? And we were all like, 14 or 15 at the time when we met them, and they were like, 36 and had a kid and was married. I didn’t get away from them until I was like, 18 :))) and they had made so many people dislike me and shit because of the dumbass stuff they said about me, so I had to leave tumblr for awhile. Anyway when I came back like, months later a bunch of people had come out of the woodwork who I don’t even remember to apologize to me and be like wow some shit went down and this person showed their true colors and everyone kinda realized they were toxic and a liar bc I guess they tried to do it to some other people. It was wild.

MUSE PREFERENCES:

Original or canon: Canon usually Favourite face: oh geez uuuh, i guess Rami Malek since I’ve used him A LOT, or Erin Richards. Least favorite face: idk man, I guess people who use FCs who are dead irl makes me uncomfy. It just feels weird to me :/ Or people who use White FCs for nonwhite characters, sometimes its up to interpretation though like a video game character or something. But when it’s super obvious a poc and they use a white fc it’s super weird for me. Multi or single: both, but I have trouble maintaining a multi.

WRITING PREFERENCES:

Plots or memes: plot usually, sometimes I don’t know what to do with memes or I don’t know what the other writer is comfortable with. I like to hash things out and make a game plan so I don’t screw something up. Best time to write:  I usually write at night, but sometimes I crank out replies during the day if I have time or if the muses suddenly strikes. Do you like your muse(s):   I love all my muses so much it hurts wowie How long (months/years?): uuuuuh, started in 6th grade so uuuuh, 11 or so years now?? Something like that, I feel like my writing peeked in high school but then again, if I look back at it, it was probably all cringy and dark bc I was a little edgelord.

[naernon]

OC Questionnaire - Estryon Thramian

Found this in my drafts, and decided to finish off what I had to distract from the tediousness of trying to decide what to do with the aspect of his backstory mentioned earlier. I filled this out according to how he was at the very start/before the events of Skyrim, unless stated to be what happens later on.

Feel free to use this for your own OCs, I don’t mind.

TW; Mentions of pregnancy (of a trans man). Also, some NSFW implications.

GENERAL

Name: Estryon Thramian

Alias(es): Estre is a little nickname Ondolemar took to using later on. Arelnian, the parent who carried him and the only one he met (they died when he was two, his father died prior to his birth), also called him this. It is also his birth-name. Perhaps a bit of projection on my part. I don’t mind my birth-name. (altho it could just be because if i do mind it, i’m in for bad time from it)

Gender: Male.

Age: 25 years old.

Place of birth: Sunhold, Summerset Isle.  Or rather, Alinor. Morning Star 19th, 4E 176 (The Ritual)

Spoken languages: Tamrielic and Altmeri. Unsure exactly how native languages vs the common tongue works in TES, but I’ll just assume/HC it’s either like Latin (commonly taught but not used in every-day conversation) or just very secondary compared to Tamrielic. So that’s the status on his knowledge of Altmeri. Also had a minor interest in Ayleidoon when he was younger, so he knows some basic vocab, but not too much. Like you know how some people go through HS and take the entirety of Spanish/German/Whichever for the full four years and as soon as they graduated they forgot all of it? That’s Estryon with Ayleidoon.

Sexual orientation: Gay.

Occupation: Thalmor agent. Mainly used in assassinations and to stoke the conflict in the Skyrim Civil War by framing (in murder, accusations of law-breaking, etc.), propaganda, etc. Prior to that, as I’ve recently elaborated, he was a member of a elite force in Summerset called the Accipiters. They’re, as said, are similar to the First AD’s Eyes of the Queen, except with more brutality and tendency to murder. They are charged with cutting down all heresy and resistance against the Thalmor in the Isles through more silent and undercover tactics. Through whatever course of events I settle with, he is suspended and demoted within the Accipiters and sent to Skyrim to work as, again, a basic Thalmor agent for the time being. It’s not like he’s put into a useless job. Thalmor forces in Skyrim, according to this , are rather stretched thin, and with someone as combat skilled as Estryon, his work is much, much needed. Doesn’t mean he likes it, though. He hates it.

APPEARANCE

Eye color: Vibrant yellow/amber.

Hair color: Pale cream/blonde color.

Height: 6′ to 6′3/4. Haven’t decided.

Scars: Slight slashes/cuts on his right cheek and a scar on his right bicep. Likes to use… risky methods in his assassinations because he’s a dumbass and that has given him a few severely close calls on fatal weak spots; there’s a medium-length scar across his left abdomen, a shallow, light scar on his collarbone (was an attempt at his heart), and a few small ones on his thighs.

Burns: No major ones, but a lot of little burn marks because 1.) He sucks at cooking and 2.) Little mishaps in destruction magic usage.

Overweight: No.

Underweight: No.

FAVOURITE

Color: Yellow.

Hair color: He likes lighter hair colors but it’s not a huge factor.

Eye color: Yellow, but as said, not too much of a preference.

Entertainment: Horse-back riding. Causing general issues and difficulty for those around him. Taking care of horses. This man really likes horses. He also has a fondness for burning different stuff he finds, some of that stuff being important shit to someone other than him. There’s one major entertainment he commits to a lot but I’ll leave that unmentioned for modesty’s sake.

Pastime: This dude really does not do a lot to entertain himself other than [censored]. He spends a lot of time meandering and wandering and just.. being there. Either that or he rapidly switches between different pastimes because he can’t stay with one for the life of him. (he gets bored very, very easily) But. If anything, as said, he likes to experiment with magic and alchemy, and he loves horseback-riding and taking pleasure rides. This easy tendency towards boredom leads to recklessness and an unhealthy lust for thrill and adventure.

Food: As typical of Sunhold natives, he gravitates towards sea-food and he likes crab. Not typical mudcrabs from just anywhere, however. As is common knowledge, there are a lot of different varieties of Mudcrabs and there’s one particular off the coast of Sunhold that is high-demand and very flavorful. But other than that, he has a guilty sweet tooth in general, and he B U S  T S  A  N U T for vanilla ice cream.

Drink: He’s boring. He just likes water. He enjoys some lighter alcohol, though,  and perhaps some tea, but again. Water.

Books: Enjoys magic studies and books. Doesn’t like a lot of heavy-information stuff other than that, though, but he does like a bunch of light interests like aromatics and alchemy. He has Arelnian and their large array of aromatic/alchemy books + store to thank for those two interests.

HAVE THEY

Passed university: Yes.

Had sex: Pft. Yeah.

Had sex in public: Depends. Like, straight up banging in like, a marketplace? Nah.

Gotten pregnant: No. Not during the events of Skyrim, at least. Not until much later.

Kissed a man: Yes.

Kissed a woman: Yes, once or twice.

Gotten tattoos: Yes. Little ones. He has an eagle wing on each side of each of his ankles, and the Dominion emblem on the back of his neck. All hurt like Hell (especially the Dominion emblem one) and he’s kind of halted off of getting any after that.

Gotten piercings: Ear piercings, yeah. He typically likes small gold hoops or little jewels, but he tends to go through long periods of time where he doesn’t have any in.

Been in love: Yes.

Had a broken heart: Oof. Yeah.

Stayed up for more than 24 hours: Yes. He oftentimes has trouble sleeping. Has been that way since he was little, according to Ohtehil, at least.

ARE THEY

A virgin: Pft. No.

A cuddler: Not really, but, I mean. He’s not beyond it. He’s just not a very personal person in general.

A kisser: Yes.

A smoker: Not frequently, no.

Scared easily: Not typically, and even if he is, he takes care to not show it. He might flinch and recoil and you can get a little bit of a gasp from him but other than that, no. Unless it’s something incredibly outlandish or unnatural or… terrifying. Like a dragon. A large, ebony black dragon with red eyes flying from the mountains and passing over you, rumbling the ground and triggering all your fight or flight instincts. Yeah. Kinda scary. (but even then all he did was dive out of sight and hide underneath a little rock overhang. he may have taken a bit of a tumble in the process but i’ll have you know his cold altmeri exterior ™ was still in-tact)

Jealous easily: Gods, yes. He wouldn’t let that be known, however.

Trustworthy: Absolutely Not

Dominant: In terms of personality, yeah. He hates being told what to do, he thrives on spiting others, and while he is quite reserved and quiet he still manages to be…. over-bearing and dominant. He has three very particular methods of getting what he wants and one of them is a glare that could kill and keeping all words to the minimum, while also having those words cut sharp. Does that make sense? He’s one of those people that just have an overpowering presence without the need to speak. That’s one reason he doesn’t have a lot of friends, really. Anyways. One other method is straight-up killing whoever he wishes to and the other… Well. If you’re talking dominance in bed, he adapts to what is needed, wanted, or what he’s in the mood for. Whatever leaves his target vulnerable to a swift kill, framing, or easy investigation of possible heresy/conspiracy. So yes, actually, I guess he is dominant. Quite so.

Submissive: In any other context other than the Spicee (tm) one, no, not really. If in that context, then, only if he wishes to be.

Single: Yes, no committal relationship until later. Although, there was one earlier, but I haven’t developed it completely. I’ll give a little peek. It was with Thalmor Agent Sanyon. That dead Thalmor, at a Talos shrine? Yeah. High-school sweethearts, if you will. Estryon finding Sanyon’s body at the shrine, or rather, going there at all ultimately sets the course of the events of the main questline. That little event, along with Ohtehil’s little ‘turn-into-a-werewolf-and-slaughter-all-your-colleagues’ theatrical go hand-in-hand in starting it all. Estryon finding Sanyon dead would not have happened at all if not for Ohtehil, actually.

RANDOM QUESTIONS

Have they harmed themselves: Minor things.

Thought of suicide: Yes.

Attempted suicide: No.

Wanted to kill someone: Yes.

Actually killed someone: Yes.

Ridden a horse: Yes. He’s quite the horseman.

Have/had a job: Yes.

Have any fears: He isn’t too fond of heights. Or blood.

FAMILY

Sibling(s): Ohtehil (22 years older) and Tretlas (55 years older).

Parents: Arelnian and Ciryarel Thramian. Both fought in the Great War/First War of the Empire on the Dominion’s side. Ciryarel was a skilled mage who worked rather high up in the Dominion and Arelnian was also well-respected as an informant and recruiter stationed primarily in Hammerfell. Ciryarel perished in the final battle and Arelnian received significant injury. Survived two years post-War, but a highly weakened immune system as a result of the injuries ultimately cost them their life.

Children: No. Later, however, he does adopt Lucia and Sofie and does have Diatres, his only biological child.

Pets: Cyrel, a smokey black and sleek Summerset-bred mare. Had her imported upon the discovery he would be suspended in Skyrim for longer than anticipated. Prior to that, she was being boarded for a rather expensive price over at the Sunhold stables. And then Umaril, a “Pocket” Salamander. Ohtehil got it for him for his 9th birthday not anticipating a long lifespan nor the HUGE size they grow to be. Once it started growing alarmingly fast and large Ohtehil figured as long as Estryon was enjoying himself it would be fine; once he grew older he could get rid of it if he tired of taking care of such a massive and intelligent creature. Estryon did not get rid of it. Quite the opposite. He’s the dude to have a suspiciously large bag being lugged around and you see him stop once he’s in the clear, unzip it, and suddenly his dog or in this case a very large monitor pokes his head out. His commitment to Umaril and Cyrel is incredible compared to his dedication towards actual people.

[wanderingthroughwickford]

7, 12, 45, 78, 111, for the numbers ask!

Thanks, anon! :D

120 Nancy Drew Questions Ask

7. Do you read Nancy Drew FanFiction?

Not all that often. I’ve written a little bit myself, I had this whole Hunger Games AU fic planned out at one point, but I don’t really read much beyond short drabbles. I remember going through the FanFiction.net archive as far back as, say, 2007/8ish, but all they really had were AEs that I wasn’t really interested in. Since I joined the Clue Crew fandom here, I’ve read a bit more, but most of the fics focus on romance, which, again, isn’t all that big a draw for me, especially in ND where I don’t have many ships I’m passionate about.

Though I have read some good things. now that I think about it. One of my close online friends who unfortunately deactivated here (erroneous-luka) had some great oneshots, and just last summer I read and faved a really good Katie/Jenna fic on A03. I tend to prefer fics about side characters (those who only appear in one game) than those about the main gang. 

12. What’s your favorite Nancy Drew book series? Why?

I mean … I guess the originals? Like the yellow-back ones from the 50s (which I’m aware aren’t the *originals* but I’ve never actually read those). I admit, they’re not really that well-written, and the stereotypes found in them can be really off-putting. I’m more attached to them for the nostalgia value than anything else, to be honest. But on the other hand, I haven’t read that many of the newer books, just a couple here and there that the games are based off of, like Message in a Haunted Mansion, Secret of the Scarlet Hand, and Treasure in the Royal Tower. 

45. Who’s your least favorite character in Danger on Deception Island?

Lol for some reason I just … felt like I was going to get this question? I remember scrolling through the list and thinking “I bet I’m going to get least favorite DDI character, for some reason.” Maybe it’s because I reblog a lot of DDI stuff, idk. (To be fair it’s one of my favorite games.)

Mmmm well I guess I should say Andy since he’s the villain, but you know what? I find him kind of entertaining. “Whales rule” and all that. So I’m going to go with Holt. I saw a post a little while ago like “he probably voted for Trump” and you know what? I can’t argue with that. He just seems like the kind of person who’d sit around and grumble about millennials and how much better things were in “the good old days” and how smartphones and selfies are ruining society. Plus, having Nancy arrested for bringing him the wrong gender of crab, when he specifically made her go get one? Seriously? 

78. Who’s your favorite character in Tomb of the Lost Queen? Why?

Hmm well I haven’t actually played it, per se, just watched my mom play it here and there. But I guess Jamilia seems pretty cool. It’s great that HER put in a Muslim woman who wears a hijab (at least I think that’s what it is, correct me if it’s the wrong term) and not only isn’t the villain, but is smart, educated, and independent. I only know vaguely about her backstory with this … secret order of women protecting the tomb, or something? but that seems cool. Plus, I really like the name Jamilia. So I’m going with her. 

111. Are you upset with Her Interactive for taking longer on this game than the other ones?

Ohhh boy, the inevitable MID question. I mean, like … I’ve largely tried to stay out of it but at this point I don’t even know what to feel anymore. But I’ll try to sum it up (without stepping on too many toes). And this is reaally reaallly long so feel free to skip it lol.

I’m not really all that displeased on a personal level because I still have so many games to catch up on (TMB, SPY, MED, LIE, SEA) and I get pretty much endless fun out of replaying the previous games, so if MID was potentially to never come out and we were never to get any more Nancy Drew games…? It would suck, yes. It’d be sad, in an ‘end of an era’ sort of way. But I’d be all right. Everything has to come to an end, and we’ve had a really good run. 1998-2015, for a female-led point-and-click PC game series? That’s pretty impressive. 

And, to be honest, I went through a low period back in the early 2010s when I thought I was never going to be able to play a lot of my Nancy Drews again because they wouldn’t work on more modern computers - but now that I know you can buy them on Steam and that there are ways of making older games work on modern computers and such, I know that I don’t have to worry about losing them anymore. As long as I can hold on to the ones I already have, I’ll be fine. There’s a question I’ve heard posed that’s like “If you had to choose between losing all your old memories and never being able to make new ones, what would you do?” and personally I’d definitely go with keeping all my old memories. That’s just who I am.

BUT - this is a big but - that’s all 100% personal. As in, if I was the only person in the Clue Crew, that’s how I’d look at the situation. But I know it’s not all just about me - I know there are lots of fans out there, be they young kids just getting into the series or veteran fans longing for more, who will be massively disappointed, even heartbroken, if MID does not come out. So that’s where my feelings of discontentment come into play, not necessarily for myself, but for the fandom in general. When I entered the Clue Crew in 2014, it was vibrant and thriving and I was amazed to find so many like-minded people who weren’t homeschooled 13-year-olds on the HER Boards. Now … the fandom’s really suffering, and we all know that. A lot of really popular blogs have shut down or just aren’t posting anymore. There’s been a lull in content because, really, how many new jokes or insightful posts can be made when there hasn’t been new content in 2 years? It’s saddening to see that happen, because even with the drama that has sometimes occurred, I really do love the Clue Crew. 

But here’s the thing - I don’t really want to lay the blame at anyone’s feet. I just don’t feel I’m educated enough on the situation to start pointing fingers. I know HER putting all their money/advertising towards new projects and constantly brushing off any questions about MID is annoying, but I don’t feel  can criticize them, because I don’t know the first thing about making video games or running a company. I’m embarrassed by their painful attempts to capture an older demographic by posting forced unfunny memes on their Facebook page, but at the same time … isn’t that sort of inevitable when a company run by adults attempts to appeal to teenagers? I mean, just look at the Denny’s Tumblr. And haven’t Clue Crew members been wanting HER Interactive to reach out to the young adult internet fandom and its style of humor forever? I know that the result has been underwhelming, to say the least, but, I don’t know … I’m having a hard time being mad.

And the same goes for the fandom. I’ve gotten kind of tired of the constant bitterness and negativity towards HER; I hate seeing people harass and annoy HER employees on Facebook or whatever; and even trolling the HER forums with jokes about Big Island Mike, Communism, Satanic subliminal messages, etc. was never really that funny to me in the first place (esp. because, like … the kids on these forums are super sheltered people who probably have super overprotective parents and I honestly wouldn’t have a hard time believing that if their parents see this kind of shit going down and misunderstand the context [as parents are wont to do] they might not let the kids go on the HER boards anymore.) BUT, I can see where all this stuff is coming from - a feeling of boredom, frustration, and betrayal. And I get that. So I can’t really judge any of that too harshly, either. 

I guess I’d say that in general, I’m not bothered about MID on a daily level, though when the time eventually comes that I finish all the Nancy Drews, that might very well change. But it’s when I interact with the fandom, see how stagnant it’s become, and see how hurt the longtime fans of this company are, then it starts to work me up a little more. Still, I can’t really manage anger … only disappointment.