#my stomach is bigger than it used to be and it pokes out sm and I’m so self conscious of it

[mostlykind]

have a friends engagement tomorrow and I’ve been so excited this whole week and today I tried on the dress I’ve been saying I’m going to wear and I felt hideous in it. pulled out a “safe” backup option and hated that even more. then a third. settled on something completely different to the look I was going for and now I’m miserable :-)

[raysofcrosby]

All these sneak peeks are killing me but in a good way, so keep them coming😂 just kidding, unless you want to

I LOVE SNEAK PEEKS SM- but the only one i won’t give you is if matt makes it on time for the birth or not 🥰

wltay au sneak peek #4

As always, whenever she’d press a little while rubbing the butter into her skin, she’d feel a little movement against her said. “Well hi there,” she smiled, rubbing the spot again and feeling another movement. “Sorry if Mommy woke you up, just got to moisturize here.”

“Who are you– oops, sorry.” She turned to see Matt turned completely around, his towel wrapped around his waist as water dripped from his damp curls.

“What are you doing?” She laughed, putting away the jar of cocoa butter.

“You’re not wearing a shirt.” He replied, hand over his eyes.

“Matthew…” she laughed again, shaking her head. “I’m literally pregnant. I think it’s safe to say you’ve seen me without a shirt on before.”

“Yeah, but–”

“Fine,” she huffed, reaching down and grabbing her shirt, tugging it over her head. “I’m dressed, you can turn around now.”

When he did, he waited a few seconds before he let his hand come down from his eyes, breathing a sigh of relief once he saw that she was in fact, dressed. He walked over towards her, kissing her cheek before going over to the duffle bag he’d packed for the night. She crossed her arms and frowned, walking around the bed and sitting down, crossing her legs and resting her hands into her lap as Matt got dressed.

Another thing that’s changed since he’s been gone? Her hormones are absolutely everywhere and God, all she wanted to do was have sex with her boyfriend.

So seeing the more toned muscles of his back as he dropped his towel onto the floor and reached into the bag for some boxers and sweatpants, didn’t help any more than it hurt. That, and the fact that he not only turned down the opportunity to shower with her, but also refused to look at her when she had her shirt off...actually hurt her feelings. Was it because she’d put on weight and her bump was more noticeable? Did he even find her attractive anymore?

“Earth to Care,” he said, snapping his fingers as he finished putting his shirt on.

“Hm?” She asked, blinking back into focus.

“I asked if you were okay,” he picked up his towel and started making his way to the bathroom. “You looked kind of out of it.”

“I’m,” he disappeared into the bathroom and she sighed, slumping her shoulders. “Fine…”

“What did you say?” He asked, walking back out.

“Is there something wrong with me?” She blurted out, resting her hands on her legs.

His eyebrows furrowed, shrugging. “I don’t know...is there?”

“I-I mean...you didn’t want to take a shower with me and then you couldn’t even look at me when I had my shirt off,” she huffed, frowning. “Do you not think I’m attractive anymore or something? Is it because I’m huge?” Her voice started to break as she took a deep breath. “Just tell me, okay? Don’t just h-hide it or something.”

“What? No! Absolutely not,” he said, walking over to the bed and sitting down onto the mattress in front of her. “You’re still hot and you’re not huge, Care. You’re literally carrying a little bell pepper in there.”

“Huh?”

“I googled what size babies are at 20 weeks and it says bell pepper,” he said, leaning by her and grabbing his phone off of the nightstand, unlocking it and showing her the screen. “See? It also says it– the baby– is the size of a banana, a tomato, a–“

She pushed his phone down onto the bed, gaining his attention. “Then why did you turn around like you were grossed out?”

“Oh uh,” he cleared his throat, rubbing the back of his neck. “It’s not that I was grossed out, cause I’m definitely not. It’s uh,” he squinted, looking down before looking back up. “I don’t know if you know this, but your boobs are kinda...bigger.”

“Trust me, I know,” she groaned, plopping back against the pillows. “I can’t wear anything but sports bras and it’s like I can feel them getting bigger by the week.”

“Yeah well,” he coughed, looking away. “They’re nice and I...didn’t want to stare and get uh...excited.”

“Please do,” she said, pushing herself up onto her elbows. “Please get excited because I can’t tell you how bad I need to get laid, Matthew.”

Matt choked on his own breath, staring at her. “We can’t do that!”

“Sure we can,” she nodded, grabbing the bottom of her shirt and lifting it.

He scrambled across the bed and pulled her shirt back down, shaking his head. “No, we can’t. Not only because we’re sharing a room with my sister, but because…” his face scrunched up as he looked down at her stomach. “What if I...can’t it like, poke the baby or something?”

“What? No, ugh,” she groaned, falling back down onto the pillows and looking up at the ceiling, feeling the tears burn in her eyes.

“Are you...are you crying?”

“Of course I’m crying!” She sniffled, dropping her arms from her forehead and down by her sides. “M-My boobs hurt, I need to get laid, my back hurts, I literally leak, you won’t touch me and you think that sleeping with me will poke the baby. That’s not how that works, Matt! The baby’s in my uterus, not my vagina.” She sniffled again, letting out a small sob as she laughed. “And now I’m crying because my hormones are all out of whack and my boyfriend won’t touch me.”

Matt stared at her, eyes a little wide as he sat there, unsure of what to do. “Um...I mean,” he cleared his throat, crawling up beside her and leaning on his right elbow. “I guess...I mean, do you want me to like, play with your boobs or something? Will that help?”

“I don’t know!” she cried, wiping at her face.

“Caroline, relax,” he sighed, cupping the left side of her face and turning her to look at him. “You’re going to stress yourself out, okay?”

“You promise you don’t think I’m hideous?” She sniffled, pouting out her bottom lip.

“Promise,” he smiled, leaning in and kissing her. “I actually think you look really hot pregnant.”

“Really?” She pouted, his thumb brushing against her cheek as he nodded. “Can you kiss me again, please?”

“If I have to,” he joked, rolling his eyes before leaning in and kissing her softly.

The moment his lips connected with hers, she pushed his left shoulder back, pushing him all the way onto the bed before straddling him and pressing herself down onto his lap. “Mm, Care, wait,” he mumbled, pulling away from the kiss and sighing. “I mean...are you sure?”

“Please,” she nodded, pressing her hips to his again as she tugged the bottom of her shirt up, pulling it over her head, getting stuck. “Matty, I’m stuck.”

“Hold on, it’s caught on your necklace,” he laughed, his hands resting on his hips slowly moving over her bump and then up, cupping her breasts. “Yeah...definitely bigger.”

“Matty, come on.” She groaned, trying to wiggle her shirt out of the jewelry snag.

Before he could even move his hands to fix her necklace, there was a knock on the door. “You guys took the key! Can you let me in please!”

The both of them let out heavy sighs, Matt letting go of her chest and tugging the shirt back down over her head, her pouted face greeting him. “I promise we’ll try to get some alone time before you leave,” he said, sitting himself up and kissing her. “Besides, we can always do stuff over Facetime like how we used to.”

She laughed, rolling her eyes. “Just go get the door.”

He rolled her off of him, hovering over her and kissing her again before lifting up her shirt and moving his head down, kissing her bump. “Mommy isn’t always this mean to Daddy, I promise.”

“Hello?! Are you two doing what I think you’re doing?!” Taryn asked, pounding on the door.

Matt rolled his eyes and pushed himself up off of the bed before walking over to the door, opening it. “No, we weren’t,” he said, Taryn walking into the room and immediately seeing Caroline all tucked into bed. “We were just talking about school and stuff.”

“Didn’t know school and stuff was what they were calling sex nowadays.” Taryn said, kicking her flip flops off.

“Can you not say that? You’re 12.” He replied, shaking his head.

“And you’re 17 and having a baby,” she shrugged, reaching into her suitcase and grabbing some clothes. “Besides, I’ll be thirteen next month.”

“Just go shower, please,” he groaned, shoving her towards the bathroom.

Taryn shrugged and smiled, knowing she achieved her goal of bothering her big brother as she walked to the bathroom, shutting the door. Matt walked over to the bed, crawling over Caroline and lying down next to her and underneath the blankets.

[starlxghtmoon]

Spread Your Wings || Chapter Four

Pairing: Hawks x Reader || Tangled AU

Warnings: Manipulation in the beginning (Mother Gothel is manipulative and abusive as hell, let’s all be honest here)

Word Count: 3,605 words

A/N: To anyone who cares, I apologize for taking so long to write this up. I did warn that the updates will be slow, so please bear with me! I will get it out, it’s just gonna take time cause I’m super lazy and cannot sit and write out a movie for more than 10 mins ajklskowoik anyways, perfect time to get this chapter out cause it’s our favorite bird man’s birthday!! I love him sm aklajpwign enjoy more of my garbage writing!

Disclaimer: I do not own BNHA or Tangled, both and all characters except OCs [Mimi the cat] belong to their respective creators. This is purely creative fun.  

Chapter One | Chapter Two | Chapter Three || Chapter Five

Masterlist

You dropped the frying pan you were holding with a squeal and immediately hid behind a piece of furniture as the unknown man fell to the ground. Cautiously, you peeked over top of the furniture piece you were hiding behind, seeing that the man only laid, face down on the ground, unmoving. For a moment you feared that he was dead, so you decided to see and make sure. Warily approaching him, frying pan in hand, you gently tapped at the back of his head. He made no move, but you didn’t trust it at all.

Letting out a heavy breath, stomach in knots, completely on edge, you looked over at Mimi for an answer and all she offered in return was a shrug with a soft purr. You looked back at the intruder and leaned forward once more, nudging his head to the side. Guard still up, your gaze darted back over to Mimi again, unsure what to do. The midnight black cat in question padded over to the crude painting your mother had left on the ground a few hours prior. She pawed at the painting and looked up at you, putting on an angry face, baring her own fangs. 

You nodded and gripped the frying pan by the other side, using the handle to pull his upper lip back to see his teeth, clenching yours as you looked. Your expression dropped when you saw that he didn’t have razor sharp teeth like your mother had entailed. 

“Huh.” You breathed before curiously prodding his hair from his face. Reeling back just in case he woke up and suddenly attacked you, you were taken aback by his handsome features. Your heart skipped a beat and your face grew a little warm as your gaze examined his features, taking in his side profile even though you knocked him out. 

You leaned in a little to get a closer look at the way the sunlight from the window brushed across his face before suddenly, his eye snapped open. “Huh?” You gasped out loud and quickly slammed your frying pan into his head again, successfully taking him out once more.

“Oh god! Mimi! Mimi, what do I do!?” You shouted frantically, grabbing at the roots of your hair. You gasp again, “Oh my god! Mimi, we aren’t defenseless! I’m not defenseless!” You realized, eyes glittering as you giggled with excitement. “This will show her! Then she’ll let me see the lights!” You exclaimed happily, scooping Mimi up and spinning around with her in your arms. “We should probably do something with him… oh! Let’s surprise her!” You set the cat down and searched around the room with your eyes, mapping out a place to put the intruder until she got back. Your gaze settled on your large empty wardrobe. “That should do…” You mumbled to yourself and went to try to pick the man up, but stumbled back as soon as you tried to lift and pull him. “Oh wow, you’re much heavier than I thought…” You huffed, blowing your hair out of your face and picking yourself back up. “Hmmmm…” You put a finger to your chin as you examined his body, thinking up how you were gonna get him into the closet. And then a light bulb went off in your head. I’ve got it! You knocked your fist against the palm of your hand and began gathering up your hair to wrap around the intruder’s torso.

Once you had securely wrapped him up, you got a good grip on the slack of your hair and began tugging him in the direction of the wardrobe. The task was difficult, but not impossible. You grunted as you pulled him along, soon your back was slamming into the wardrobe from how hard you were pulling him. You panted as you dropped your hold on your hair and looked back at your wardrobe. This is gonna be much harder than I thought. You proceeded to unwrap him from your hair and swing open your wardrobe. This is gonna be a lot of trial and error.

You first tried to lift him into the wardrobe. Didn’t work. Then you tried to shove him in at full speed. Also didn’t work. Pray for this mans neck. And you tried to swing him into the closet with your hair. It worked, but now your hair was stuck. Thunk. 

You sighed as you looked at his upside down figure in the wardrobe, arms and legs sticking out. That certainly wasn’t gonna work. You shoved him in legs first, pushing him back in and quickly slamming the doors closed. You let out a triumphant chuckle, dusting off your hands and walking away from the door. It worked… until the wardrobe swung open again and now, you were being crushed by the intruder’s unconscious body. 

Whipping out the broom, you struggled to get him back in the wardrobe, jabbing at him and shoving him back with the broomstick. You successfully got the door closed, but his fingers were sticking out. “Hm?” You raised a brow and proceeded to poke his fingers back in. Success!

For extra measure, you grabbed a chair and propped it up against the doors to keep him from falling out again, frying pan in hand. “Okay, okay, okay. I’ve got a person in my closet.” You started as you backed away, on your guard again. “I’ve got a person in my closet.” You looked at your reflection in the mirror as you repeated your words, “I’ve got a person in my closet!” You exclaimed with an excited laugh, twirling the frying pan in your hand and dusting it off,  “Too weak to handle myself out there huh, Mother?” You tossed the pan up and caught it, swinging it back and spinning it around your finger, “Well, tell that to my frying pan-” You knocked yourself right in the forehead with it, wincing in pain as you rubbed the sore spot. “Ow…” You mumbled before you noticed a satchel lying on the ground in the reflection behind you. 

Curiously, you inspected it, the open flap just begging you to see what was inside. A sparkle of jewels caught your eye and you leaned down to take it. Carefully holding it in your hands, you examined the many pretty jewels decorating the piece. It was certainly beautiful, but you weren’t sure what it was for. It actually looked like an oversized bracelet. Very oversized actually. 

“Hmm.” You tested the idea, sliding your arm through it, but it only hung from your wrist. Raising a brow, you looked over at your cat with a tilt of your head, seeking approval. She looked for a moment before firmly shaking her head. Taking it off your arm, you inspected it again, this time with a more scrutinizing gaze. Looking into the gems, you looked at Mimi through the crystal, seeing her shake her head again. Lowering it from your gaze, you turned toward the mirror, looking at your reflection. Maybe… You took the piece and placed it on your head. It rested nicely upon your hair. Looking at yourself with the accessory on, Mimi shook her head-

“Y/N!” You gasped, eyes widening in surprise.

“Oh!” You took the accessory off your head and stuffed it along with the satchel into a pot on the floor, rushing over to the window. Swinging the shutters open, you took your hair and tossed it onto the hook above the window, “One moment, Mother!” You called, lowering your hair down to her.

“I have a big surprise!” She announced while grabbing onto your hair.

“Uh, I do too!” You began pulling her up, chuckling a little under your breath.

“Ooh! I bet my surprise is bigger!”

“I seriously doubt it.” You mumbled as she sat up on the window sill. 

“I brought back parsnips.” She announced as she swung her legs inside. “I’m going to make hazelnut soup for dinner. Your favorite. Surprise!”

“Well, Mother, there’s something I wanna tell you.”

She sighed, taking off her cloak and hanging it up. “Oh, Y/N, you know I hate leaving you after a fight. Especially when I’ve done absolutely nothing wrong.”

Her words ticked you off a little, you knew she was trying to redirect any wrong doing onto you, but you brushed it off, wanting to get to the point, “Okay. I’ve been thinking a lot about what you said earlier.”

“I hope you’re not still talking about the stars.”

“Floating lights.” You corrected, “And yes, I’m leading up to that.”

“Because I really thought we dropped the issue, sweetheart.”

“No, Mother, I’m just saying, you think I’m not strong enough to handle myself out there.”

“Oh, darling. I know you’re not strong enough to handle yourself out there.” She looked over her shoulder at you.

“But if you just-”

“Y/N, we’re done talking about this.”

“Trust me! I know what I’m-”

“Y/N.” 

You reached for the chair holding your wardrobe closed. “Oh, come on!”

“Enough with the lights, Y/N!” She snapped, “You are not leaving this tower! Ever!” You stopped, blinking up at Midnight. You knew it was true, you always did. You knew that you weren’t going to be allowed to leave ever, but hearing her say it. Hearing her confirm it, hit hard. Your heart sunk into the deepest part of your stomach at the reality of the situation, the anger that flashed across her face, behind her eyes. You weren’t leaving ever.

Your mother plopped herself down onto a chair, “Ugh, great. Now I’m the bad guy.” She groaned, propping her head up on her hand. You drew your eyes away from her, gaze trailing up to your latest painting of yourself. Your heart ached with longing, your body filling with envy at yourself in that painting. You were never going to have what she had and you made her. You were never going to know the purpose of those lights, you were never going to know anything. And maybe... it was for the best.

“All I was gonna say, Mother, is that… I know what I want for my birthday now.” You stepped in front of the chair propped up against the wardrobe.

“And what is that?”

You hugged yourself, heart heavy as you looked at her. “New paint.” You simply said, “The paint made from the white shells you once brought me.”

“Well, that is a very long trip, Y/N. Almost three days’ time.”

“I just thought it was a better idea than the stars.” She thought about it for a moment before heaving a heavy sigh.

“You’re sure you’ll be alright on your own?” She stood from her seat and approached you.

You wrapped your arms around her in an embrace as she lifted her hands to pet your head, “I know I’m safe as long as I’m here.” She pressed a kiss to the top of your head and with that, you helped her prepare for her three day trip.

Seeing her off, you watched from the window as she headed for the opening of the cave that led to the tower. She stopped and turned to wave at you, to which you waved back before darting back inside in search for your frying pan.

Hesitantly, you approached the chair propped up against the wardrobe, carefully tugging it back and hiding behind it to pull yourself together with a deep breath.

“Okay.” You whispered to yourself as you took your hair and used it to pull open the wardrobe from your spot safely behind your chair.

You watch as the stranger’s limp body falls forward from the wardrobe and faceplants right in front of you. You gasp a little, watching him lying there before his body slowly slides forward so he’s fully lying on his front on the floor. 

Proceeding with caution, you approach the unconscious stranger before letting out a soft, “Huh.” and looking around to figure out what to do with him.

You’d settled on setting him up in the chair and tying him down with your hair. Tugging him into the center of the room, directly under the light coming in from the sky light in the roof, interrogation style. Mimi was perched around his shoulders, curiously examining his unconscious face before attempting to wake him up for you. First, she tried pawing at his face, letting out a soft ‘meow’. When he didn’t budge, she glared at him a little with her feline eyes and swatted harder at his face before jumping back in a flash of fear. Once she realized that he still wasn’t waking up, she got bolder and pawed and swatted at him some more, even letting out an intimidating hiss. Still, with no response, Mimi went with a last resort decision and opted to lick his ear, effectively waking him up. He let out a groan of distaste and looked over at the cat in his state of drowsiness.

“The hell…” He grumbled upon seeing her and she rolled her eyes with sass in response before hoping off his shoulders. “Strange…” He mumbled before looking around, taking in his surroundings for a moment and looking down at his hands that were strapped down with… hair? Struggling against his restraints, his gaze followed the trail of hair leading from his chair. “Is this hair?” 

“Struggling… Struggling is pointless.” You informed from one of the support beams of the roof. He looked confused as he tried to see where your voice was coming from.

“Huh?” You climbed down from the roof, gracefully landing on the floor as his eyes followed your venture down. Even though he saw you climb down, you still tried to hide and sound intimidating.

“I know why you’re here, and I’m not afraid of you.” You spoke, trying to put on a brave face, but only continued to further confuse him.

“What?”

You stepped out of the shadows and into the light, still wielding your frying pan, “Who are you? And how did you find me?”

“Aha…” He stammered, looking at you strangely. 

“Who are you, and how did you find me.” You reeled back your frying pan, enunciating your words with a more firm tone. A warning indeed. You were not afraid to start swinging again. 

He cleared his throat before speaking, “I know not who you are, nor how I came to find you. But may I just say…” He took on a dramatic tone before pausing and putting on a grin, “Hi.” You furrowed your brows, deeply confused and unimpressed. Is this… some sort of tactic…? Or is he just not all there…? “How you doing? The name’s Hawks.” Your gaze darted around as he continued, keeping your guard up, “How’s your day going? Huh?”

You scoffed in annoyance and confusion. What’s his game here? “Who else knows my location,” You gestured your frying pan at him, making him lean back away. “Hawks?”

“Alright, snow white.”

“Y/N.” You corrected.

“Gesundheit. Here’s the deal.” Hawks starts, “I was in a situation, gallivanting through the forest. I came across your tower and…” He stopped, seemingly realizing something. He looked around, slightly panicked. “Oh! Oh, no. Where is my satchel?” 

You crossed your arms, looking at him with an arch of your brow, knowing you now have leverage. “I’ve hidden it. Somewhere you’ll never find it.”

“It’s in that pot, isn’t it?” He pointed out after looking around for a moment. To which, you knock him out once more with your frying pan. Brain damage be damned!

By the time he woke up again, Mimi was mid lick up his ear. With a shout, Mimi was knocked off his shoulder once more. She let out a hiss and a meow as Hawks tried to wipe his ear off against the fabric of his vermilion vest he wore.

“Would you stop doing that!?” He exclaimed, glaring at the cat as she sat herself down and began licking at her paw, grooming herself, unbothered.

“Now, it’s hidden where you’ll never find it.” He grumbled at you as you began walking around him with a flip of your hair. “So, what do you want with my hair? To cut it?” You waved your frying pan around carelessly before threatening him with it as you walked around him. 

“What?”

“Sell it?”

“No! Listen, the only thing I want to do with your hair is to get out of it, literally.” 

“You…” You stopped, slightly put off by his admission. “Wait. You don’t want my hair?”

“Why on earth would I want your hair.” He spoke, gesturing his hands around. “Look, I was being chased, I saw a tower, I climbed it. End of story.”

You were hesitant to accept this as the truth, afterall Midnight did warn you that men were evil and out to get you for your hair. You couldn’t tell if he was being deceitful or truthful. “You’re telling the truth?”

“Yes!” You waved your frying pan out to him, watching him skeptically as Mimi came up to you and circled around your feet, also glaring skeptically at the man called Hawks. The cat jumped up on his lap, tail swishing around behind her and stood against his chest, eyeing him intimidatingly as he stared back, slightly confused and taken aback. She growled low at him before jumping into your arms, keeping a watchful glare on him. He watched as you walked away from him, turning around so you could whisper to Mimi, her tilting her head and meowing in response.

“I know. I need someone to take me.” You whispered as she gave soft mews of assurance. “I think he’s telling the truth too.” You agreed. Mimi’s senses were never wrong. “He doesn’t have fangs.” She continued giving her responses, Hawks was trying to see what you were doing behind you, but was restricted to the chair as you talked to your cat. “But what choice do I have?” You sighed, finally coming to a decision and turning to him as he rocked in his chair, but you trusted that he wouldn’t break free. “Okay, Hawks. I’m prepared to offer you a deal.” You announced, beginning to walk away, tugging him along to face you.

“Deal?”

“Look here.” You began climbing up the archway to your most recent painting, the pull on your hair causing Hawks to spin around and fall over. You reached for the drapes hiding your painting, “Do you know what these are?” 

He looked at your painting from his place on the floor. “You mean the lantern thing they do for the princess?” This information brought you relief. So you weren’t crazy. They really aren’t stars!

“Lanterns? I knew they weren’t stars.” You whispered to yourself, internally jumping for joy at the confirmation. “Well, tomorrow evening, they will light the night sky with these lanterns.” You pointed your frying pan at Hawks, “You will act as my guide, take me to these lanterns, and return me home safely. Then, and only then, will I return your satchel to you. That is my deal.” You wager, not taking any negotiations.

Hawks adjusted himself on the ground to lay on his side in the chair instead of his face with a grunt. “Yeah. No can do. Unfortunately the kingdom and I aren’t exactly simpatico at the moment, so I won’t be taking you anywhere.” He rejected, making you stare at him for a moment. You were dead set on seeing those lanterns, and he was going to take you to see them, buddies with the kingdom or not. You didn’t care. You looked over a Mimi, curious of her opinion, to which she tapped her paw against the other in a threatening manner, encouraging you to rock em sock em if he didn’t comply with your terms.

You jumped down from the archway and grabbed up your hair to begin tugging him toward you. “Something brought you here, Hawks.” You pulled him back upright. “Call it what you will, fate, destiny…”

“A horse.” He interjected, but you ignored him in favor of pulling him toward you.

“So I have made the decision to trust you.”

“A horrible decision, really.” He deadpanned as you kept going.

“But trust me when I tell you this.” You pulled him forward, tilting his chair and slamming your palm into the back of it to hold him steady and draw him close. “You could tear this tower apart brick by brick, but without my help, you will never find your precious satchel.” You spoke in a serious tone, actually putting him off for a moment at your determination.

He cleared his throat before speaking, “Let me just get this straight. I take you to see the lanterns, bring you back home, and you’ll give me my satchel back?” It sounded like he was actually considering the idea.

“I promise.” He looked at you skeptically. “And when I promise something, I never ever break that promise.” He raised a brow, encouraging you to further convince him. “Ever.” Mimi meowed in agreement.

“Alright, listen. I didn’t want to have to do this, but you leave me no choice. Here comes the smolder.” He looked down and looked back up at you with a face, making you raise a brow, completely unimpressed by his antics. He stared at you for a moment, noticing that it wasn’t working at all, “This is kind of an off day for me. This doesn’t normally happen.” He finally broke the face he was putting on and gave in, caving to your proposition, “Fine! I’ll take you to see the lanterns.”

Taglist: @crayonwriting​

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[jawnjendes]

bonus: why is their luck in a deeply sad moment? | shawn mendes

some type of au idk man, shawn x goth ex gf

WARNING: there is talk of death and suicide in this chapter. read at your own risk.

AN: i cant squeeze this into the next big fic nor can i fit it into shawn meets bc everyone hated it so its a bonus in the gg story lmao also im starying the Next Big Fic in a few days :)

masterlist | annalise’s playlist

2026.

"Sometimes I think about the what ifs,"  Ann said, “but I like where I am. I like what I’ve made for myself.”

Shawn had to invite her over to his house a second time, because the first time left him with many questions unanswered. He couldn’t be mad at what she said, though. He was in the same boat; he liked the life he made. You know, without the crushing loss and run in with the supernatural.

“Well, I’m happy for you,” he told her, and he really meant it. “I’m glad we were able to successfully do our own things straight after breaking up.”

“Nothing like filling the void in your heart with work!” Ann replied with a giggle. She moved a strand of hair behind her ear, and that’s when Shawn noticed something.

He took her hand and noticed a tattoo on the side of her middle finger: The Triforce.

“You got inked?” he asked, impressed.

“Oh, that’s nothing,” she replied, grabbing her sleeve to roll it up.

There was a sword on her inner arm. It was varying in shades of blue, and it also had the Triforce on it. Shawn recognized it as the Master Sword from the Legend of Zelda games.

“All this is is proof that I’m a nerd,” Ann said as she rolled her sleeve back down. “I notice you have some more ink also… and that you still wear shirts half buttoned.” She pointed to his chest.

Her finger poked the exposed skin. It shouldn’t have been as tingly as it was. Shawn smiled and placed his hand over his chest.

“More than just that,” he told her. “But I can’t show you all of them.”

Maybe it was a little risky to say that. Shawn would have taken it back if Ann’s cheeks hadn’t gone a shade of pink.

“I could say the same thing…”

Shawn quickly came to learn just how many tattoos Ann had gotten over the years. A snake and tombstones on her other arm. Feather on her collarbone, roses on her shoulder. A quote reading, “...but I’m not anymore” with stars around it on her ribcage. Something on her wrist that Shawn didn’t catch because he was busy pressing his lips to her hips and taking off her pants, where he found another tattoo. “Lucky you.” He certainly felt it.

Everything about their time together was so familiar, so easy and almost home-like. Ann’s skin touching his. Her lips perfectly molding over his. The quiet, needy gasps they both released into the bedroom. It was like going back in time, and they were in Shawn’s Toronto apartment instead of his multimillion dollar condo in LA. It was soft and slow, despite Shawn pinning Ann’s arms above her head. He didn’t outgrow that particular move, and she still seemed to like it.

Shawn had never been happier to have been on a break more than now. Most one night stands in the past began and ended very quickly, because he was on tour or in between interviews or on a break for one day. This was one person that he didn’t want to leave behind. They lied down, sweaty and dazed, facing each other. It was silent, but not awkward. Everything had a nice haze around it.

That was also when Shawn finally made out what the tattoo on Ann’s wrist was. He picked his head up in confusion.

“Is… are those torches?” he asked. “Upside down? Just like mine… and are those my initials?”

It was simple line art, less intricate than his own. Torches in an X, with “SM” right below them. Shawn has been floored many times, and this was no exception.

Ann picked her head up as well. “It’s not what it looks like.”

Shawn looked down at his chest, his torches were exactly the same, sans the initials. He wanted to give Ann the benefit of the doubt, that this wasn’t some creepy fangirl thing. Some of his one night stands ended up like that, and it wasn’t exactly easy to forget.

“It’s for a friend of mine,” Ann explained, sitting up and covering her front with the blanket. She took note of the look on Shawn’s face. “Keeping someone’s light on beyond death, remember? I assume yours is for someone too.”

They were both sitting up now, and Shawn relaxed. However, he only relaxed a little bit because now it was time to get deep.

“Mine’s for Brian. He died last year.”

Ann’s face fell. “No. Brian, your best friend? Brian, the one who constantly took the piss outta me?”

He nodded. “He was… there was an accident. Flight of stairs. Instantly killed.” It was all lies, but no human would understand.

A hand went over his, squeezing. “I’m so sorry. He just, he just fell down some stairs?”

“A lot of stairs. I don’t know I guess he was running or something. There was no way to save him. People in the house heard the crash, but by the time they found him - when I found him - it was too late.” He had told this version many times, enough times to where he could almost believe it himself.

“Fuck, man. That’s… that’s fucking terrible,” Ann said sympathetically. “But I seriously can’t believe you just told me that.”

“Why?”

“Because now I have to tell you that mine is for Stella. Those are her initials.”

Stella Martinez. Now Shawn felt a little stupid… but surprised, and he was met with a sinking feeling in his stomach. He couldn’t believe it for a second, but it fully processed in his head, and his heart began to break.

“Stella from college? Stella, who was your literal opposite and also your best friend?”

Ann solemnly nodded. Then she looked down. “She… she killed herself.”

Shawn was stunned into silence, the tightness in his chest only intensifying. The entire time he knew Stella, she was always so positive and bubbly. She was the opposite of suicidal. That’s why it was such a shock… and so sad. Oh god, who was going to tell Camila?

“When did Brian go to the other side?” Ann asked after a moment.

“A year ago last month,” Shawn replied. “And Stella?”

Ann raised an eyebrow. “Two years ago last month...”

It was a strange coincidence, but still upsetting. Both Shawn and Ann lost their best friends at the same time of the year. The urge to spill everything was thick in the air. Still, neither of them said anything for a while.

Instead, Ann reached down to the floor to pick up her clothes. Shawn’s eyes were stuck on her and that was when he spotted another word on her back. Nightmare. Small font, right shoulder blade, surrounded by a cluster of skulls. Then, he realized what she was doing.

“Are you leaving?”

She looked up, bra in hand. She was quiet as she put it back on.

“No. No, I’m not going anywhere.”

And she crawled back into bed. She made the point to keep a distance from Shawn, who was still naked. He was on his side, looking at the woman before him. Only Ann could have sex with him and bring up the subject of death. That brought a new point to mind.

“How do you enjoy death?” he asked. “I think I’ve asked you this before, but after losing someone and attending their funeral, I’m having a hard time understanding your perspective.”

Ann took a deep breath, looking up at the ceiling. “I don’t enjoy the act of dying. People die every day in horrible ways. People mourn and fall into depression because of death. That’s not something to enjoy.”

“So what’s your deal with it?”

“I’m just embracing the face that it’s inevitable. I do that for myself. I will die eventually, or tomorrow-”

Shawn made a face; he didn’t like that thought.

“It doesn’t make it any easier when someone I know goes,” Ann continued. “You’d think with all the research I’ve done it would be. The ones we love leave this mortal plane, and all they leave is their absence. And that alone is a lot to process.”

“What’s the hardest part?”

“The what if’s.”

Shawn asked because he really wanted to know more about what happened to Stella. He had to know the things that led up to the tragedy, mostly because he knew Camila would ask for details, even if they were hard to hear.

He figured he should spill his side first.

“The last thing I said to Brian was to get the hell out of my room,” he began. “We were fighting, fighting over something so fucking stupid, and I was so pissed at him. That was our last interaction. He fell down the stairs because he was trying to find me in this big huge mansion…”

Ann sat up a little bit, hand over her chest. “Here?”

“Oh no, not here. I was staying at a friend’s house in London for a work thing. Place was huge, easy to get lost in,” Shawn clarified. “Brian, Andrew, all of them were leaving back to Toronto and I didn’t want to go just yet. Part of it was because I was still pissed. Maybe if I had run into him first before he fell… If I hadn’t kicked him out of my room a few nights prior… If I was less of an asshole…”

“Maybe you would have slipped on the stairs,” Ann told him. “Maybe you guys would have had an even bigger argument later that would have ended your friendship. There’s no way to tell, and sometimes that’s what sucks the most.”

Huh. Most people tell him not to dwell on it. No wonder Ann was a shrink now.

“Losing someone is one of the hardest things we, as humans, have to face,” she said. “It’s not easy in the slightest. Besides, the grieving period takes about three to five years, so you - we - are still in the beginning stages of it. Thinking about the what ifs, what you want to change, what you wish you could say to Brian - all of that is normal.”

The two of them let those words settle for a moment. Shawn’s eyes were a little misty, and redirecting the topic was probably not going to help. But he laid his stuff out on the table.

“What about you?” he asked.

“Me?”

“Your what ifs?”

Ann paused, looking around the room. “What if I had put my Master’s to use and noticed the goddamn signs?”

Shawn watched her, hoping she would at least return the eye contact.

“I’m an expert in this shit,” she said. “I have the years of school, the degrees, and the licenses for detecting things like this. I only figured it out the moment her dad called me.”

“How do you detect when someone is suicidal?”

“In her case, she was elated. When someone makes that decision, they reach a state of euphoria because they know their pain is about to end.”

“But Stella was always-”

“Believe me, I know. I hadn’t talked to her since graduating in Toronto, so I thought she hadn’t changed at all. But I would see on her social media, she just moved back to her parents’ house in Florida, and she hinted that she wasn’t happy about it.”

As if Shawn couldn’t take another blow. Come to think of it, he never heard much about Stella’s home life. He didn’t even think that it could be a negative place for her.

“I was in Jacksonville for work,” Ann continued, “so I hit her up, and we met up for lunch. We talked for about an hour, and she said that I was always a good friend and college wife and that she’ll always love me. And my stone hearted ass just said ‘cool, you don’t suck’ and that was that. A month later, she’s as blue as the pills she took.”

“Ooo…” Shawn sighed, cringing at that mental image. Sweet, warm hearted Stella cold and lifeless. Call it morbid, awful thinking, but Shawn wished Brian looked like that in death instead of the bloody mess he turned out to be.

“Yeah. And her parents had her embalmed and put in an airtight casket, but that’s a whole other rant.” Ann waved it off and lied back down.

Shawn didn’t know what else to do except lie down as well. While sharing the stories of how their friends died, he couldn’t help but feel just a little bit closer to Ann. The first time they met, it took fighting tooth and nail to get her to open up. Now, Shawn felt okay silently reached for her hand, and tenderly holding it in his.

Both of them winded up at the same awards show. Both lost their best friends. Both got the same type of tattoo to honor them. Neither of them anticipated meeting again. This couldn’t be a coincidence.

_______

goth gf taglist: @normalcyisoverrated-beyou @ilsolee @mendesromano @kitykatnumber @strangerliaa @iloveshawnieboi @someoneunimportantxx @goldenmndes @calyumthomas @shawnsunflower @shawnvvmendes @parkeraul @havethetimeeofyourlifee @chillingbythesea @wronglanemendes @softmendesss @peruvian-bae @theprivatewritings

[gguksgalaxy]

Prologue | BTS | Fuckboy!Au

Masterpost | Next📱>> 

You’ve known Jungkook for years. He’s what they call ‘a fuckboy’ — so what? What he does with other girls is none of your business. However, when you meet his friends he doesn’t seem to feel the same way. ›› AU: Fratboy / University ›› Genre: Smut / Fluff / Angst ›› Rating: 18+ Explicit (sex + mild violence) ›› Pairings: JHS x Reader, MYG x Reader, JJK x Reader, KTH x Reader ›› Word Count: 4.4k Warnings Include: Mentions of family problems, divorce, sex. A/N: I’m finally starting this series, I’ve been working on it for a bit now, and part of it will be Social Media (sm) if i can figure out the right way to combine it :) Thanks to @xiubaek13 @ilujongdae and @xingtrash for helping me with this mess of a series.

It was good to breathe in the air from home again after a year, even though it was in the airport. Your year in the US had been the most amazing time of your life, you gained so many new friends, new skills, new experiences. But it was good to be home, to see your family again, to see Jeongguk again. You were maybe a bit bummed you wouldn’t be able to see your best friend until tomorrow, since you parents were coming to pick you up and it was already late at night. But it wouldn’t make you hug him any less tight once you got to see him again.

With your suitcases close behind you, you exited the baggage area and came back to a group of people waiting for their relatives with balloons, presents and open arms. You searched for your parents in the crowd. Instead, you found a familiar mop of dark brown hair hiding a pair of bright eyes that crinkled up in a smile at the sight of you.

You were in his arms within seconds, strong embrace pulling you close to his chest. “God I missed you.” You sighed against his neck, as he lifted you of the ground and spun you around. “So much.”

He chuckled, setting you down and taking his face mask off to reveal a familiar smile. “I missed you too, Sky.” For some reason, you were sure he’d grown over the year that you hadn’t seen him, both in length and in width. “How was your flight?”

“Good Gguk, all good.” You trailed your hand over his arm, his skin warm. “Where are my parents?”

He pouted in mock hurt. “Are you not excited to see me?”

“Of course I am silly. Not like my parents don’t know that.” His muscles flexed beneath your touch, shifting past your grip. “Take me home?”

Jeongguk nodded, leaning over to press his lips to your forehead and pull you against his chest. “God, I’m so glad you’re back home Sky. Part of me was scared you wouldn’t come back.”

You touched his cheek, feelings your chest tighten at the way he looked at you. “What’s got you so sentimental?”

He looked away, bangs shielding his eyes from your view again.

“Hey, it’s okay.” He leant into your touch, taking your hand in his, fingers encasing yours and pulling you close yet again. “Ggukkie.” You chuckled against his chest.

With a bit of push and pull, you let him take one of your suitcases and your bag from you, saying that you looked tired enough already. Strangely, you didn’t feel tired, you felt rejoiced for some reason. Having not seen him for so long, regardless of how many times you’d Skyped until the middle of the night, you were hit with feelings you’d seemed to have grown unaware off. He was your best friend after all, the one who was always there for you no matter the distance. The one who would console you and made you smile, who you could cry with and laugh with until you cried. Life without him, was hard to imagine.

“Wait, did you bring the Audi?” you asked in the elevator, leaning against him.

His soft brown eyes caught yours in the mirror. “Yeah, why?”

“You couldn’t have brought mine?” you pouted at him. “You know how much I hate that stupid car.”

“Yeah, because my legs definitely fit in that miniature thing of yours.” He laughed, sound muffled on top of your head. For a moment all you did was look at each other, and you realised he might’ve changed a bit. You weren’t sure what it was, maybe just the fact that over a year had passed. His eyes seemed to hold something else than his usual wonder and childish glee.

Jeongguk’s Audi still smelled as much of crisp leather as you remembered, and you still hated it. It unsettled your stomach. But you smiled when you saw the snacks and blanket in the passenger seat. He was so attentive, bringing your favourites because you kept complaining how much you missed them. “Can I drive?”

He snorted. “Definitely not.”

“Gguk….” You whined. “Please.”

“You just had an 8 hour flight, you’re not driving anywhere Sky.” He said, opening the door for you after he’d lifted your suitcases into the trunk. “I don’t need you passing out behind the wheel.”

“Yeah, well I’d rather not get into an accident cuz of your reckless driving. Remember when you ran a red light and I almost died?”

He narrowed his eyes at you. “You didn’t almost die, I’ve never been hit before. Or pulled over for that matter.”

You rolled your eyes. “Because you have all the luck for both of us and we know it. Let me drive, please, I’d rather not have an aneurysm the moment I set foot on homeland. I’m not tired, I promise.”

In the end, he huffed and threw you the keys over the hood. “If you even feel a tiny bit tired you’re gonna tell me and you’re gonna pull over that car. Yeah? I don’t need you nodding of behind the wheel.”

“Yeah, yeah.” You said, opening the door and getting in. The gap between you and wheel was way to big, and you yelped at how far to the floor you sank to even get into the damn seat. “I forgot how much I hate this car.”

Jeongguk laughed, throwing his head back and sliding his hand between your knees and under the seat to pull you closer to the wheel. “Just drive, before I lift you back over my lap into the passenger seat.”

The drive was calm. With your favourite music softly playing through the speakers, and Jeongguk’s gentle voice singing along all the tunes that you’d memorised since you were young. In moments like this, you let your eyes off the road to look at him. His head was thrown back, eyes closed and a small smile playing on his lips. Your heart was content right now, as his hand found yours over the console, playing with your finger without looking at you.

It was after an hour or so that you felt your body grow lethargic and begrudgingly pulled over near a gas station so he could take your spot behind the wheel. He most certainly whined when he tried to get in but couldn’t because you’d left the seat so close to the front. “You and your tiny legs.”

“Maybe it’s you and your big legs.” You joked, squeezing his thigh and making him squirm. “You gotta stop working out so much, before you know it you’ll look like half of the guys back in the US. I don’t understand how they think it’s attractive to have boobs bigger than mine.”

Jeongguk snorted as he hit the freeway again. “Because you really have big boobs.”

“Hey! There’s nothing with my chest mister.”

His eyes crinkled up in a smile, fingers splayed over the beige coloured wheel that made him hands look a bit paler than usual. “Do yours actually get bigger if you work out?”

Casual questions like this were very common between the two of you, and you just shifted in the seat so you could position your legs over his lap. “No, they just turn real firm.”

He hummed, legs spreading comfortably and your feet almost slipping off.

“No Gguk, not a good firm. A bad firm. Like tennis ball firm.”

“Eh.”

“Yeah.” You said, grabbing the blanket and the bag of chips. Jeongguk was a reckless driver, always speeding, always running red lights wherever he could. But he looked comfortable behind the wheel, like somehow he belonged there. His seat slightly reclined, legs spread for no apparent reason, one hand on the wheel and the other dangling off your knees. “So tell me, what have I missed out on?”

He chewed the inside of his cheek, a sign to you that he was most likely about to say something bad. “I might’ve forgotten to mention that I joined a fraternity.”

You choked on your chips right then and there. “I - Excuse me, Mr Jeon?”

“I’m sorry, it just never came up, and I only really joined because of my family and such. But then I saw Jin and we like got talking, and now I’m living in one of the split houses.” He mumbled under his breath, cheeks red because he knew you were going to be upset about this.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I don’t know, it never came up? I didn’t think it was a big deal.”

It wasn’t a big deal, you really couldn’t care if he was part of a fraternity. But him not telling you didn’t sit right in your stomach, because he must’ve had a specific reason for it. You told each other everything, and literally everything, from embarrassing doctor’s appointments to hookups gone wrong.

“I mean, I don’t really care. No wonder you were getting your dick wet left and right boy.”

He rolled his eyes. “Yeah, as if I wouldn’t normally.”

“Not that much you wouldn’t!”

“Hey, girls like me, okay. Not my fault.” He shrugged, and you poked your foot near his face just to spite him. “Stop that!”

“Is Jin being nice to you?” you asked, knowing Jin pretty well from when you were younger. As it was, your older sister Livvy used to date him. She met him back when she used to babysit Jeongguk, the event that brought you and your best friend together. Jin is Jeongguk’s older cousin, the other heir to his father’s law firm Jeon-Kim. “Or did he just, not change?”

Jeongguk chuckled, knowing exactly that you were referring to the elder leaving your sister high and dry so he could fuck around in college. “Both, definitely both. My brother’s beyond pissed that I did make it into the second home and he didn’t.”

“What’s that?” you asked, totally aware that you were talking about the notorious fraternity Alpha Tau Omega that was central to the university you would be going to this year as well.

“Oh, it’s like a mansion that’s off campus. Since they’re not allowed to throw parties on campus anymore due to violation of rules. It was something with alpacas, I think? It’s me and 6 others, you’ve seen pics of some of them. Yoongi, and Jimin both live there as well.” You remembered those names clearly, they’d come up before when you were talking to him late at night over the phone. Jimin was 2 years older than him, you remembered him from photos as having an endearing smile and devilishly good looks that were only enhanced by his jet black hair. The other, Yoongi, had shown up in many of Gguk’s snapchats. His hair bleached almost white, and often dressed in something semi casual like skinny jeans and a vest with a baseball cap often pulled far over his face. From what you’d seen from him he was handsome, a glint in his eyes that you couldn’t really explain, but you’d openly admitted to your friend you found him attractive. To which he’d replied that he wasn’t your type. Too…forward, he’d say.

“Okay so, you basically live in a club?”

“I mean, technically, yes. But it’s a really nice place, I have my own room and I only share my bathroom with 1 person.” He turned off the highway, getting home way faster than you would’ve if you’d completed the drive. “I know my dad offered me a penthouse like Hyuk has, but I’d rather live with my friends really. It was way too big and lonely there.”

Jeonhyuk was Gguk’s older brother. It was an understatement to say the two didn’t get along, and you didn’t like him either, at all. Every run in you’d had with the other since you were a kid had made your feelings for him worse. He was as stuck up as his father, money was everything, and he’d use it to claim his status every moment he could.

You licked your lips, closing your eyes. “Hey, you don’t have to justify your choice to me kid. I’d love you even if you lived in a box, because who are we kidding. You’re always at my place anyway.”

“True, very true. It’d be a big box though, you could make a home in there.”

“Pfft, okay mister, I’m just gonna close my eyes for a bit. Don’t kill me while I’m asleep yes?”

“Yes Sky, yes.” You fell asleep to him singing, his fingers drawing patterns on your thigh and relaxing you through the familiarity of it, he always drew the same shapes.

You woke up to him lifting your feet of his lap, laughing when you shot up in fear. “How sad that you woke up, I was gonna carry you upstairs. Seeing that you’re awake though, I guess you can walk.”

Through your window you caught sight of your familiar apartment building. The year you’d been gone, you’d sublet your quite spacious apartment so that you would still have it once you returned. It was a bit further away from your new university than the previous one, but it was near all your favourite spots and it had just become home in 3 years. “Can you piggyback me?”

He protested for a bit, but when you wrapped your arms around his waist from behind, he sighed and gave in. “I hope all that McDonald’s didn’t make you too fat to lift.” He said, letting you hop onto his back.

“Stop complaining you baby, we both know you lift more than I weigh.” You shot back, to which he laughed. His hands held you firmly by the thighs as you held your bag in front of his chest.

The material of his leather jacket was slightly slippery but you just had to hold on a bit tighter. He was warm, and you rested your cheek on his shoulder as he carried you to the elevator. You yelped when he pressed you against the mirror, just to annoy you because you knew he could easily carry you. “If you don’t stop being so annoying, I will not let you sleep over.”

He raised an eyebrow at you. “Oh, because I certainly want to sleep over.”

“Don’t pretend like you don’t miss me in your bed, Jeon Jeongguk. I still remember you complaining how cold it was last December!”

For you and Jeongguk, sharing a bed had become a regular thing. One of the reasons being him always staying over at your house after your sister stopped babysitting him. You had the guest room, but your bed was way more comfortable. Through the years, sharing a bed had evolved into waking up in a mess of tangled limbs and someone most likely drooling on the other. Even though his dad hated it when he kept coming to your place to stay the night, he knew he didn’t have too much of a say in the matter. Some people did thing it was strange, especially since you were 3 years older than Jeongguk. But the age difference really had never mattered to either of you. Maybe you were childish for your age, or whatever. The older you got, the more you both forgot about it.

“Fine.” He sighed, faking annoyance but still carrying you through the door and setting you down on the couch.

The apartment smelled strange, but it was cold, and that feeling of coming back home after a long time crept up your skin ever so slowly. Jeongguk explained how he’d gone grocery shopping with your mom that day, so you’d have some food to eat. He really was somewhat like the third child in your family, both your father and your mother loved him. Your parents were divorced, something that was hard on you three years ago, but now they both secretly always asked you if Jeongguk could come to their christmas dinner and not the other’s. You’d grown used to it, and you were glad they never fought, they still both came for your birthday and got along. They’d just explained how the love was gone.

“I’m going to get the rest of your stuff, go take a shower or something, hmm?”

You nodded, and he did that thing where he briefly brushes his knuckles over your cheek with a fond look in his eyes that you couldn’t explain. It almost brought tears to yours, because you realised how much you’d really missed him. Everything about him. He was a piece of home after all.

After your shower you found him in your bed, scrolling through his phone, jeans discarded on the floor and leather jacket hung over the chair in your bedroom. He was warm as you slid in beside him, and he curled towards you, soft flush spreading over his cheeks as you placed your hand on his arm. “I really missed you.” He whispered.

“What had you so sentimental back at the airport Gguk?”

He licked his lips, arm tucked under his head, leg brushing against yours. “You know, at a certain point I was convinced you had so much fun there, that you’d consider staying there. That you’d decided you wanted to move there permanently and not come back home.”

You looked at him with wonder, seeing the way his eyes slightly glassed over but he managed to push his own tears away. The same way he always would.

“I will always come home Ggukkie, I promised right?” A smile spread over your lips, as you hooked your pinky finger with his. “I don’t break my promises.”

A relieved feelings spread through your body at the sight of his smile. “Yeah, I know.”

“And you know, if you’re scared, or worried, you can always tell me okay? You don’t have to hide things from me. Even if you’re afraid of the answer.”

He nodded, letting go of your fingers and draping his arm over your waist, fingers ghosting ever so lightly over your back through your shirt. “Are you tired?”

“Yeah, a bit.” You mumbled, closing your eyes and breathing out gently. Jeongguk smelled lightly of mint and cotton, fresh and light and just the way you remembered.

After that he didn’t really say anything, and you let his presence lull you to sleep. His warmth was welcoming, even though the nights were still full off summer.

The next day,  you woke up to an empty bed, stretching out, legs moving without obstruction. “Gguk?” you mumbled with your eyes still closed, aware of the sunlight breaking through your thin curtains and painting your body in small streaks of light.

“I’m going to shower.” He said somewhere to your right with a chuckle. “Are your eyes glued shut or something?”

Jeongguk and his stupid jokes. “If you’re naked, then they are.”

“Okay, one, you’ve seen me naked before. Two, it’s not bad of a sight to look at. Three, I’m not, yet.”

You chuckled, his voice also giving away he hadn’t been awake for long. “Just go shower you thot.”

“If anybody is a thot here, it’s you!”

“If I have to get up out of this bed kid, I swear to God I will hav-“

“I’m going, I’m going.” He laughed, closing the door behind him but not locking it.

After a while of just laying around in bed, you got up and shuffled into the kitchen to turn on the coffee machine and toaster. You found strawberries in the fridge, along with a small cake that said “Welcome home little Sis”. After your sister had gone to university for three years, studying business, she’d told your mom and dad she wanted to pursue baking. Your parents, always having been free and accepting with the both of you, supported her. At that time you were 18, and you’d spend many long long nights in the kitchen with her, covered in flour and milk to try and come up with something nice.

You decided to save it for later, your stomach not up for sugar this early. So you took out the strawberries and cleaned them, setting them on the table together with the coffee, toast, and milk.

Jeongguk walked in still towelling off his hair, face a little red and puffy from the shower. He smiled sheepishly and sat down across from you, hand immediately going for the milk to dull down the harshness of his coffee. “Isn’t this weird?”

“Milk in coffee? No?” you giggled, your friend speaking in the pouty way he often did.

“No,” he shook his head. “Us, falling so easily back together as if it’s nothing?”

You cocked your head to the side, waiting for him to gaze back up at you from his food. “It wasn’t like I never saw you. I talked to you at least twice a week, I’ve told you practically everything that happened. Do you think it’s weird.”

“No.” He shook his head again, hair swaying slightly. “I was just thinking.”

“Stop ruminating in your own head Jeongguk.” You said, pushing the strawberries his way. “Eat, enjoy, and stop waiting for something to go wrong.”

It wasn’t uncommon for him to do this. To be nervous about absolutely nothing, to try and problems and mishaps where there were none. ���I have to go in an hour or so. I promised your dad I’d drop you off.”

“Do you have something to do?”

His eyes flickered to his phone as it went off, messages showing up in his screen in quick succession. “Family meeting.”

“Family meeting, or family meeting.” You said, unsure of what had suddenly captured his full attention on the small device.

He sighed, shoulders dropping and running a hand through his hair that was quickly drying. “It’s about the company or something. Hyuk’s gonna be there, but so are Jin and his dad. I’m not really sure what’s up, but I’ll just sit through it and hum to whatever they’re yapping about.”

“If you need me to save call you, just send me a text. Yeah?”

“I know, but they’ll probably not try and one up me if Jin’s in there with uncle Seok. Dad hates nothing more than to be reminded that he shares the company and uncle Seok isn’t going to let him talk shit to me. You should’ve seen dad’s face when he implied that Jin could take over the company with one of their partners if I didn’t want part of it. He almost blew a fuse right there.” He grumbled, mouth full of toast. “My brother just needs to keep his big mouth shut.”

“Well, you could try and talk to Jin about it. I’m sure you guys can figure something out.” You said, not having any knowledge on business at all. You had a bachelor degree in philosophy, and a taste for artistic fields like your father had. Writing was your passion, it was the reason you’d fled the country, to find inspiration and actually put your work into motion. Writing had slowly replaced cheerleading over the years, even though you’d joined a small competitive group once you’d decided to settle down somewhere in upstate California.

He got up after he finished his food. “Did you take a lot of videos?” he asked, pointing at your camera that was still set on the counter from yesterday.

“Yeah, I have like 17 SD cards full of stuff. Because we both know my notebook has zero storage.”

Your friend shook his head in disapproval. “Can I edit them?”

“Huh?”

“Your videos, can I edit them? I’ve been looking for a new project but I haven’t really had anything to film for a while. I promise I won’t ruin them.” You took the image of him smiling and scrunching up his nose in the way only he could and stored it in your mind for later as you told him you’d fetch them before you left.

Before he dropped you off, he promised you he’d call. You’d whined a bit when he said he would be busy for the next week with family and school stuff so he might no be able to come see you, but he’d call you and ask for the week after. You’d agreed with a pout, and kissed his cheek before you left him and the smell of his leather interior behind.

The thing was, he didn’t call you. When you called him, he didn’t pick up and texted you to say he way busy and couldn’t pick up right then. It crushed your heart way too easily, because he’d never done this before. You two barely ever texted, calling was always the better option. He had never been too busy to call you, even if it was for a few minutes. It was over a week until you’d finally managed to get a proper hold of him, and even then it seemed like he was doing something that preoccupied him.

“Gguk what’s going on?”

“Nothing babe.” Okay, now you were suspicious, because he never called you that, ever.

“Gguk, don’t lie to me. Is it your brother?”

He was silent, and you could clearly hear voices in his proximity. “No, I’m not. I’m just busy right now. I’m so sorry, I don’t think I have much time this week. There’s a bunch of shit that needs to be settled with the company for some reason, and I have to help around at ATO to get things ready for the start of the year party. Maybe we can meet before class on Monday? I know a great place on campus that you’ll love, it has those tiny cakes.”

The way he kept his voice almost hushed made you frown, but you’d agreed to it nonetheless. You were sure whatever it was that he was chewing on would come out sooner or later. Maybe he was right, maybe the way you fell so easily back into each other was weird. Or it was too easy to be real.

© GguksGalaxy 2018-2020

[anuknowha]

Till Death Do We Part// Chapter 6, You Never Pay Respect

Serious disclaimer: This chapter is angsty, very angsty so please turn away if it offends you. There's also a trigger warning of suicide in this chapter. I do not endorse suicidal actions or thoughts. I do not support Kim Jonghyun's death, this is not about poking fun at it. This is a chapter of a story I wrote in order to portray the inner demons he had inside of him that he had to battle with. I loved him as an artist and he was a talented person who doesn't get enough appreciation. And with that I dedicated a chapter to him to show that one, he was human, and two, that he is still relevant even if his label doesn't believe it. R.I.P Kim Jonghyun 1990-2017. !!Suicidal Mention Warning. This one is strong so please turn away if you can’t handle it.  One morning...

'It all started about 9 years ago when SM Entertainment pulled me and 4 others boys to form the Korean boy band, Shinee. We were an amazing band, a group of five misfits doing what they do best. Singing, dancing, wrapping, and so on. I, Kim Jonghyun, was the leader, and I was accompanied by Lee Jin-ki, Kee Ki-bum, Choi Min-Ho, and Lee Tae-min and together we made a band that stood out to others. We weren't no EXO, and we definitely weren't no BTS, but we were us, and we were happy being us. Because we knew we were talented, special, different, each with our own uniqueness that we could contribute to the group. And that's what made Shinee. Sometimes we were sad, upset that we never had been able to truly get our names out there but other times we knew that was just a thought. It was our doubts, it was, just what it was, a lie. We were very successful in our careers, and we still are. I honestly wouldn't have asked for a better team. Year after year we would go on stage and present ourselves to our fans as we engaged with them, as they screamed for us. It was music to our ears. They would chant for us, and scream every time we did something funny or just stepped out on stage. And, when all of them sung together; even if they didn't know the words, we sung with them. If we were energetic than so were they, if we were tired they would feel bad, and if we needed comfort they would always send us tweets even if we don't respond to them it didn't mean we didn't read them. No matter where we went to put on a show there was always a positive environment and that's all we needed to get going. Actually come to think of it my favorite tour was Shinee World Tour V. We got to come to the United States for the first time in 2017 and I must say I enjoyed my time there. I was never aware of how many fans we had overseas because SM seemed like they were saving us for something special, or maybe they were just trying to hold us back. The latter is something I don't want to believe but I wouldn't be surprised about, like I said, we were no EXO. We didn't get to get many places, outside of Asia, most of our tours consisted of Japan and South Korea... Which was nice until you realized that there's so much more out there. When we finally got to go to North America in the beginning of 2017 we were thrilled! We all jumped out of bed in excitement and we laughed while on our airplane ride. And when we got there it was almost as if those past 9 years was leading up to this; it felt as if this is what we were waiting for. And I have to say it did feel like a big victory for us. While in America walking through the streets made me think of Onew and how much he would enjoy the taste of fried chicken back home. It was his favorite dish, and even though it was available back at home, especially at our KFCs, that didn't stop him. Even if he wasn't hungry he'd joke about seeing a place that sells such a delicious meal, and how he'd want to try it. Place after place he would name, and we tried to get to a few but we weren't in North America for too long. Three shows, one in Canada and two in the United States. It felt degrading to be so high in SMs rankings and still be forgotten. I was thinking maybe it was a mistake, but nonetheless, our fans made up for it every time we saw their smiling faces. I was happy to be successful. I was happy to perform. I was happy to be part of something bigger than I ever thought was possible -- so I thought. I felt my happiness declining for a while now, maybe about two to three years. And I wasn't quite sure why. I had everything I wanted, a loving family, kind friends, and a job that could go on until who knows how long if we kept enjoying it and if they found purpose in us. I was content with the lifestyle, although the company kept us on a leash. Maybe that's actually what I hated... I didn't like being held back, and even with what seemed to be my "true potential" it always was as if I had no power, no say in my life until they dropped our contract. Even if they did I'd still have to give two years in the military, at the least, as either entertainment or a soldier in a war. It's not like I had the luxury of that being a choice. I had picked my passion, I had reached my "goal" but even so, I still felt empty. I tried helping other people and still nothing, it was as if something deep inside me was missing and I couldn't find it. Everyday of 2017 had gotten worse for me, it seemed as if my life was heading completely downhill in a troubling spiral and that I could not stop it. I had been thinking -- suicide had been on my mind a lot recently and it wasn't something I could avoid. It's something I needed to talk about but I didn't want to worry the others and I didn't want the entertainment company mad at me. So I kept myself quiet. And by keeping quiet I ended up dead. A few weeks before I took that final step, I wrote a suicide note to a close friend in which I admitting that the fame was getting to me, that it was too much and that I was on the brink of collapse, that I was about to give up. And, although she did try to stop me it only I remember it as if it just happened. In late December I decided it was time; I rented out an apartment for two days just so that my demise wouldn't be disturbed. I remember going on an app and texting my sister things like, "I love you." , "I'm sorry." , and "Goodbye". I know it broke her heart, and I saw that she read them but I couldn't dare bring myself to read anything she texted back. I couldn't bare to even pick up the phone after those messages were sent. I listened to my phone go off, chime after chime and also a sudden vibration, which startled me. I remember looking over and tears started to swell in my eyes but I continued on anyway. I dug around in my pocket where I had little pieces of coal, they were as dark as my thoughts at the moment and it was as if I could see myself in them -- in this reflectionless mineral. I walked over to the stove and turned it on slowly. There was a pan I left on top if it from breakfast, and I watched as I almost instinctively placed those little black pebbles into the pan. And soon enough they started to burn. I looked at my hands, black with the dust of coals. I tried to rub it off onto my pants but to no avail, they were stained, and at this point, so were my thoughts. I walked back to the couch as the fumes from the burning material started poking at my nose. It felt poisonous and gross. It felt as if the air was being sucked from my lungs as carbon monoxide filled the room. I felt myself going numb, my whole body losing a battle against the lack of oxygen. I started coughing, and the smoke from the air was inhaled into my lungs. But I dare not move. I probably wouldn't have made it to the stove anyway, it seemed so much further from where I was standing. Maybe this was a bad way to go, maybe this was a bad idea in general. I didn't like it, it was hurting a lot more than I expected. And by this time I could barely keep my eyes open. My eyes glanced down, the last thing I saw was my phone lighting up and shaking vigorously on my lap. I blacked out, lost consciousness but still breathing. Just clinging on to life. I felt the cells in my brain fade. I was forgetting, I wasn't thinking, I almost forgot who I was as my time on this earth was coming to a close. It was such a small window left for me to live by the time the ambulance arrived to take me in. I couldn't think, I couldn't move, I lost all feeling in my body and I was losing all thoughts in my mind. At this point I could only remember watching her call, my sister, and trying to stop me from taking a drastic step into the afterlife. I think if I was able to give one more thought right before I took my last breath, it would've been "I'm sorry." Jonghyun woke up, sitting up quickly. his heart racing what felt like over a mile a minute. He coughed and gripped his chest as tears formed in his eyes. He couldn't breathe and he felt himself having a "heart attack." He tried to hold back a scream as best he could. With his blue pajama shirt clenched in his fist he let out a blood curdling scream that was loud enough for the whole house to hear. He quickly covered his mouth afterwards, completely embarrassed and in shock at the situation. He gripped his hair tightly and pulled on it in anger almost pulling it out in the process. He curled up in a ball, tears rolling down his cheeks and staining his pajamas, time after time as he let out loud whimpers and noises of complete distress as he felt himself slowly growing accustomed to reality.  He was dead, he had killed himself because he couldn't take that life anymore, but at the same time he knows he can't take this one either. He didn't want to be here either, he wanted it all to be over. He let out another scream, this time choking on his tears as he scrambled to get out the bed falling onto his stomach. Jonghyun coughed hard at the impact and started to crawl towards the dresser in his room. With each passing movement he felt his chest growing tighter, and with the little bit of strength he had he pulled himself to his feet he grabbed onto the dresser and looked into the mirror in front of him. He pressed his hands down on the top of the furniture for support and took deep breathes, as deep as he possibly could. His eyes were red and puffy underneath as tears continued to flow like a waterfall. Drop after drop landed on the top of the dresser forming a puddle of sadness directly underneath his face. His cheeks were swollen, and moist with his sadness and depression. And with that he took his arms and knocked everything off the dresser. They all landed to the floor with different sorts of sounds. His head was throbbing and he yelled out in pain. He ran over to his bed throwing off the pillows, the sheets, watching them hit the floor almost gracefully even after all the force he used. He continued to cough and toss everything that was once neat into a chaotic mess. He picked up the tv remote and threw it at the mirror which caused it to shatter. He collapsed to his knees taking long deep breathes. His head was down and his eyes were covered by his hair. He gathered himself and picked himself up from the now messy floor before marching towards the dresser once more and he used his hand to brush his hair from his face. He looked directly into the mirror in front of him and his eyes would flicker black. It did not at all phase him. Slowly a man in the mirror started to form, but he didn't say a word. "Poor Jonghyun, you're such a mess, you're crying over your own suicide. Do you know how pathetic you sound? You did this to yourself, you caused it, you made this happen. Don't you think they all miss you? Don't you think your sister misses you? Your parents miss you, and so do your band mates. But you know who doesn't care about you? Your company. They just wanted you for money, so they can strive and be more recognizable because of your group. And you helped them, you led them. You brought them the funds they needed to stay alive. You were their number one slave. You always were, you know how it is. And in the back of your mind you knew you'd never be as popular as EXO. You knew this and yet they kept pushing you in greed. They can't help themselves. And you know you couldn't either when you decided it was time to end it." The voice seemed to move further away from him, as the figure appeared on his bed with its legs crossed. "Very unholy of you to take your life like that. And I must say it was thought well outside the box, usually carbon monoxide is put into a car to kill you, but burning coals, coals! I wouldn't have ever thought of that as an idea but you are very creative in your ideas you humans are. But I think you did the right thing regardless of the matter. And the fact that you rented out an apartment for two days was simply priceless! You had this completely planned out didn't you?" Jonghyun took deep long breathes in front of the mirror, his fingernails digging deep into the wooden top causing scratch marks to be created and blood to seep from his finger tips. He mumbled something in Korean. And the human figure turned towards him. "Hmm?" It grinned. "Fuck off!!" Jonghyun screamed. In the back of his mind he knew two things, he would usually never get this angry and he wouldn't have felt so pent up so easily, but at the moment, none of that mattered. "That's no way to talk to me, it's very rude of you to be like that towards me. Very rude of you but brave nonetheless. Jonghyun, you were so smart to pull a stunt and all alone, killing yourself slowly. Tell me how did it feel to take in that smoke? Did it make you choke? Did you cough up any blood? Did you ever worry about burning the place down? Because seemingly you didn't, thank goodness they arrived in time to stop a building from being destroyed, too bad they couldn't stop you from being destroyed." He picks up and object and throws it at the creature on the bed, it goes right through them. It walked back behind him and smiled at him bearing its human teeth. "I remember that day of your life very vividly, realizing your mistake after it was too late, after you completely lost consciousness. Your mind was slowly dying consuming all of those toxins. Brain dead right? You couldn't help it though." His body trembled at the thought, his lips turning black and leaking a black ooze. The creature looked at him shocked. "Let me help you forget everything." It ran its fingers over his lips and stared at the sticky substance that now was on its hand. Touching its fingers together, it watched the substance coat its fingers forming sticky strands to connect them. "Leaking already? What a shame. You're going to make a mess." It watched the thick goo drop onto the desk. Jonghyun turned around to swipe at the creature who vanished before he could even touch him. It reappeared in front of him and once again he tried swiping at it only to knock off some of the glass from the mirror. This continued to go on for some time and it left his room in shambles and once he was done, was his finger tips were all damaged and a deep shade of red; once his walls had scratch marks running down them; once the walls had red streaks mixed in with the blue paint, he was left painting on the bed. Anger and rage coursing through his veins. "Done yet? You threw quite the tantrum there. You destroyed your room pretty well, but no fear, I can fix it for you. The creature covered his mouth with a hand and Jonghyun blacked out. Jonghyun awoke in his room with a gasp. He clenched his chest as he sat up, the sheets stopping at his stomach. He coughed and the tears started to form. He felt himself choking, remembering his own death was the "death" of him. He looked around, everything in his room was the same as before. It was clean, tidy and everything was in place. He cupped his face in his hands and let the tears run down them. He curled up, holding his legs to his chest as he thought to himself quietly. He surely did regret his suicide. 'I came to the conclusion, we all have our demons, but not all of us can fight against them. I lost my battle and I'm regretting it for the rest of "my existence." But, sometimes I'm glad I'm gone because, back on earth, "they" really didn't care anyway. But regardless of where I am, I'll never forget my friends, family, or any of the wonderful Shawol. I thank you for giving my life meaning and for listening when I needed you the most. It made every minute back on earth something I could endure a little bit longer.'

Taglist: @lennonwhipped @rogers-flowered-blazer @caviarandqueen @celestialmay @sweet-mother-love @peacelennon @caminc91

[aegyotrashcan]

SM’s New Trainee

nct marklee scenario: same age smtrainee from canada. sm introduces you to nct so the english speakers can help you. you're in the next room playing guitar & nct's curious to who is playing&singing. anyways MARK FLUFF where you guys becomes bffs and fall in love. SORRY IF THIS IS SO SPECIFIC :( you can alter it anyway you like. (pls make it a long scenario)

Character: Mark (NCT) Word count: 3114 Summary: Trainee life is hard. But having someone to help you through it makes it just a little easier. Especially if that person is Mark Lee | #fluff

a/n: I don’t think this is all that fluffy but I like the way it turned out! I hope you do too, anon :)

The first meeting was rather awkward.

That’s how it felt to you anyway.

The least awkward out of everyone present was Johnny, although he could charm a fish out of water. He was easy going and funny and that put everyone at ease. Well, almost everyone. You were still on edge. Leaving your family behind had not only been scary but daunting too. You felt that you were too young to maneuver through life alone, in a different country. But you reminded yourself to focus on the one thing that brought you to Korea in the first place: your passion.

“Hi, I’m Johnny.” The giant smiled and waved, eyes crinkling. “Me and Mark are the best English speakers, so you can come to us if you need help. Jaehyun and Ten are good at English too but, you know, we’re actually fluent.”

You nodded shyly. “Okay, thank you.”

Mark stood awkwardly by Johnny, trying to gather up the courage to speak. “So you’re from Canada?” His voice cracked a little but he hoped no one noticed. Although he was experienced, having debuted in every NCT unit so far, that didn’t make him any less nervous. Each performance brought a fresh wave of anxiety, as did speaking to new people. He liked being perfect and the thought of messing up, of making a mistake, made him jittery. This applied to both on and off the stage.

“Yeah. You are too, right?”

He shoved his hands into his pockets to stop fidgeting. “Yeah. What part of Canada are you from?”

Small talk was made and although you felt no closer to either boy, you did feel reassured to know that they were friendly. If you ever needed help, you could go to them.

Two whole weeks passed before you ran into Johnny and Mark again.

It was the weekend, when only those close to debut or those nearing a comeback are left behind in SM. The trainees, unless in need of extra practice, get to rest. Unfortunately, you were in the latter category. You certainly weren’t foolish enough to think that you would debut immediately. Johnny hadn’t mentioned this to you but you heard from other trainees that he trained for almost a decade before debuting. You didn’t want to be like that, you wanted to debut quickly; quicker than Johnny anyway.

And the only way to do that was to stand out.

Not that you were self conscious or anything, but you knew that this would not happen through your visuals alone. Like all idols, you were attractive. But you had seen Yoona up close and gotten a glimpse of Krystal a week ago. You were attractive, yes, but they were on a whole new level.

There was a rumour among the other trainees, although you did not know how true it was. And it was that an extra talent would bring you up the trainee ranks. Looks, dancing, singing and/or rapping were a given. But with an extra talent, you would shine. Victoria from f(x) had her flexibility, Blackpink’s Rose could talk with her mouth closed, and some other idols could do impressions.

You needed that, a talent, something to stand out.

This is what led you to be sat in the practice room at eight am with a cold cup of coffee, strumming a few notes on a guitar. There was no particular song you wanted to play. Whatever melody came to mind was what led your fingers. It wasn’t until two hours later that you had a decent tune created. The melody was upbeat and melodic, made you think of pastel aesthetics and sugar when you closed your eyes. The song somehow transitioned into Red Velvet’s “Happiness.”

But with your own twist, a remix on the beat.

You started singing along, loosing yourself in the positive lyrics. You hadn’t consciously started singing, it just happened.

“Hey, it’s you!”

You flinched at the sudden voice, eyes snapping open and abruptly stopping your song. It felt as if your ending note echoed in the wooden room. Mark held the door open as Donghyuck peered at you above his shoulder. The door was then pushed open fully and the rest of NCT piled in, one by one. You felt self conscious under their gaze, painfully aware of their good looks.

They were a little sweaty, wearing casual slacks and tops so you guessed they were practicing a dance routine. How did they look so good bare faced? Was that considered a talent too?

“You’re really good!” Jeno tells you, smiling his famous eye smile. There wasn’t much of an age gap between you two but your protective instincts went into overdrive. He looked so cute, so pure, that you wanted to protect that smile from the world.

“Thank you,” you replied.

Jeno’s smile grew bigger. “Are you the new trainee from Canada? The one that Mark thinks is hot-” He was interrupted by Mark stepping on his toe. Jeno shrieked as if he had been stabbed, limping away from Mark to hide behind Taeyong. He peered around Taeyong at Mark with a pout.

“Bully!” he accuses.

“How long have you been here?” Doyoung wonders. He didn’t care for Jeno’s toe, only because he knew it wasn’t broken.

“Since 8.”

“Are you hungry? We’re going to go for lunch.” His smile was small but warm. There was such a relaxing atmosphere that surrounded Doyoung, that was so inviting.

You glance at your watch, surprised to see that it was already twelve. You could have sworn it was eight only an hour ago. The sudden realization makes you realize you are in fact hungry. Your stomach let out a gargle of displeasure and you looked accusingly at it.

“Are you sure you won’t mind me tagging along?” you then ask.

“Of course not!” Mother hen Jaehyun wasted no time helping you put away the guitar, gathering up your things and leading you to the canteen. He listed off all the best foods, pouting when he realized that he could have done. “We have to diet for our comeback ...”

After that day, eating with NCT became a daily thing.

Once practice was over, NCT would come find you. Sometimes that was easy and sometimes that was difficult. You could be anywhere! Trainees were thrown from workshop to practice to workshop to practice, to hone their skills and train perfect little entertainers. Although this relationship with NCT created tension between you and other trainees, you didn’t mind. Sure, it was lonely, practicing by yourself but NCT were all so friendly and welcoming, that it didn’t feel right brushing them off when they had marched around SM to find you.

Nearing the end of vocal practice, you felt all eyes turn on you when the door opened and Ten poked his head in. He smiled when his eyes found you. The other trainees frowned.

“We’re almost finished, Ten,” the teacher calls out. “Just five more minutes.”

“Okay, thank you!”

Those five minutes dragged on, as you longed to be free of this thick atmosphere. A trainee doesn’t miss the opportunity to trip you up on your way out but luckily, you stumble and catch yourself. Then rush out the door.

“Hi. Where are we going to eat?” you ask Ten, forcing on a smile.

“What was that?” he asks immediately. “Did that girl trip you?”

“What girl?” Playing dumb was the only thing you could think to do. Before trying to change the topic. “So where are we eating anyway? We should hurry. Jaehyun’s stomach doesn’t like having to wait.”

“Guys!” Mark’s voice is followed by his high pitched laugh as he jogs towards you. “Why are you just standing around? Jaehyun’s getting impatient!”

The smile on your face is now real.

Mark’s presence could always lift a dark atmosphere. It did take a while of awkward small talk until you could feel comfortable around each other. But now, you two chat aimlessly for hours on end. He even gave you his personal number so sometimes the chats continue on through the night. Each of his texts were so funny, that you hated waiting to read them. Even with the phones brightness hurting your tired eyes, you would still reply. Always. Mark’s texts really were too good to ignore.

He was just a genuine, nice guy. There was no better way to describe him. And even that doesn’t do his good nature justice. Compared to some of the backstabbing that can occur in the music industry, Mark Lee is like a breath of fresh air.

“We’re coming,” you ensure, linking arms with Ten to drag him off.

The three of you fell in line and you quickly forgot about the incident at vocal practice. The boys talked about their new comeback over lunch and their excitement was contagious. You promised to save up to buy their new album.

“You should come to our fan sign too,” Donghyuck says. “I’m so handsome and charming. I’ll make you fall for me right away. Plus, you also get my autograph.”

“I’ll be sure to frame it on the wall,” you respond.

Donghyuck smiles smugly, not sensing the sarcasm in your tone.

“You should also invite your friend,” Ten says out of nowhere.

You hardly hear him, more focused on Chenle who kept trying to steal food from your plate. “What?” you wonder, almost going deaf from Chenle’s dolphin laugh in your ear.

“Your friend from vocal practice. You should invite her too,” Ten says coolly. Your smile drops and the temperature drops as well. Or maybe that was just in your head.

You thought he had dropped the subject.

“You have friends?” Johnny jokes. “But you’re always sitting alone.” He meant no harm with his words but they stung. Only because they were true. You were always alone. Always feeling isolated from your family and having no friends to talk to. Apart from NCT, of course.

“Of course I have friends,” you respond, hoping your smile is believable. “I’m friends with you idiots, aren’t I?”

“Are we your only friends?” Yuta asks. Although you had thought he was arrogant at first, he soon proved you wrong. Yuta was talented and confident in his talent. That didn’t make him arrogant. It made him inspiring. He had no fear in calling something or someone out. At this moment, however, you wished he did.

“You never talk about anyone else,” Yuta continues on.

Chenle sensed the growing tension and stopping trying to play. He left the food on your plate alone but looked at you through the corner of his eye. “Is it true, Noona/Hyung? Are we your only friends?”

You shrugged, feeling the blood rush to your cheeks. “I mean ... I have people I talk to. Some of the teachers ... a few others. Um, Wendy talks to me sometimes.”

“But do you have friends?” Ten pressed.

You shrug again. “I have you guys.”

“The girl tripped Y/N, the girl I was talking about earlier.” Ten explains to the others. “When Y/N was leaving, I seen the girl stick her foot out. No one even tried to help.”

“Are they bullying you?” Doyoung asks. His voice sounded so meek. He thinks of you as a sibling so not knowing that you had been going through this alone made him feel like a bad brother.

“No, no,” you say quickly.

And you mean it. Maybe they were jerks and scoffed when you sang or hid your guitar pick. But no one actually said anything to you. Ever. Like, they never spoke to you. You assumed they whispered among each other about you but no one said anything to you. About anything. Not even the weather. You did everything alone, in silence, with no one to talk to. Did that count as bullying? The more you thought about it, the more you wondered if being alone was more upsetting than you wanted to admit.

Everyone carried on eating in an awkward atmosphere. Chenle and Donghyuck tried picking the atmosphere up and to humour them and the other younger ones, everyone else played along. But the topic was still on your mind, even as you went to bed and woke up in the morning.

There was a text from Mark on your phone: ‘Hey! You up?’ It was sent ten minutes ago, while you were in the bathroom cleaning yourself. So you replied as quickly as you could: ‘Yeah. Why? :)’

His response was instant: ‘Because I’m walking with you to SM. Come outside whenever you’re ready.’ The NCT boys roomed together in their own dorm, but usually there were some missing, since the different units tended to have different schedules. You were housed in a trainee dorm, with twenty others of the same gender as you. It was cramped and cliquey, with you fitting into no group. Which is why you got up extra early, to avoid the glares and tenseness whenever you walked in on them eating breakfast.

At quarter past eight, you were ready and out the door. Mark, as he had said, was waiting for you. He did not smile but nodded as a way of greeting.

“Hi, Mark.”

“Do you leave so early to avoid the others?” He didn’t waste time beating around the bush. The information he had learned at lunch yesterday had plagued him all night. He lay in bed, imagining you being completely alone during the struggles of trainee life. He himself had struggled but at least he had people to talk to.

You shrug, wanting to change the topic. “How was your night? Did you do anything fun?”

He sighed. “You don’t want to talk about it?”

You shook your head and you both began walking.

“Okay. But if you do want to talk, you’ll come to me first, right?” He’s not sure why, but he wanted you to trust him above all others. He wanted to be the one to help you and who you relied on. That realization made him feel selfish so he pushed the thought aside, to not deal with that feeling.

“Of course. You’re my best friend.”

He smiled, feeling chuffed.

Life carried on as normal after that day. You still had practice nearly every day and Mark and the others had their new comeback. Which you watched, of course, and streamed and bought the album. Being broke was worth it to see Mark’s smile when you told him. Their first win came a month after the single debuted and once backstage, Mark rang you second. His parents were the first to hear the news, then you.

“OH MY GOD, DID YOU SEE US ON TV? WE WON, WE WON!”

He was usually so chill, that hearing him scream down the phone was jarring. Excited by his excitement and proud of your best friend, you screamed back: “I KNOW I WAS WATCHING. I’M SO HAPPY FOR YOU.”

The phone call only lasted a few more minutes. He was rambling in excitement and had to take photos with the trophy so he had to hang up. But he promised to meet up with you sometime, now that the comeback was over and he had more free time.

It wasn’t until after the group and individual photos with the trophy were taken, that Mark had another realization. Not only did he want to be the one you went to first, but you were that person for him. Of course, there were his parents. But aside from family, he rang you first. He wanted to hear your voice, to celebrate the win with you and hear you smile. Mark could no longer push away these thoughts. Not when he was starting to make sense of them.

‘It’s because I like them ... I like Y/N.’

His excitement about the win and this realization swirled through his mind. The rest of the night and next few days were a blur. He decided that when he seen you next, he had to tell you. He wanted to always be the person you went to, and although he knew you struggled with fitting in with the trainees, he had seen you talking to Johnny an awful lot. What if, by not confessing, you wound up liking Johnny? Mark couldn’t live happily and watch his crush and hyung kiss one another.

He had to come clean.

It was a Saturday when you got to meet up.

You were glad for an excuse to get out of the dorm and seeing Mark made it even better. Before he could even open his mouth, you started excitedly chattering about the award. Mark laughed and said “Yeah, it’s pretty great. We worked really hard so I feel like we deserved it. I know that sounds over confident but we really did work hard.”

Conversation continued on as you walked to and around the nearby park. You passed by other couples, of which Mark was jealous. He wished to hold your hand like that too. He then decided that he could no longer put the moment off.

“Can ... Can I talk to you?”

“Of course. Is something wrong?”

He led you to an isolated bench. Despite no one being around, he was conscious of a passer by coming eventually so he kept his voice low.

“I want to tell you - “

“What? I can’t hear you.” You scooted closer, staring into his eyes. His demeanor was off, you thought. He was tense and there was a tinge of pink to his cheeks.

“I - I, uh, I want to tell you something.”

You nodded encouragingly.

“And it’s that, uh, I kind of like you. As in like-like. Like, more than as a friend.” He cringed at how bad that sounded. “I know that came out bad but - “

“I like you too,” you smile, moving closer yet again. You placed your hand in his, that was clammy from nerves. “As in like-like. I like-like you, Mark. As more than a friend.”

He let out a high pitched laugh. “This is the greatest week ever!” First the trophy, now you. He felt like he could climb a mountain. “So do you want to go on a date? A proper date?”

“Sure. I’ll go wherever you want.”

“Wanna see that new movie?”

“Sure. We getting popcorn?”

“Duh!”

Coming to Korea had been scary. And every day of trainee life is scary too, since there’s such uncertainty. No matter how hard you work, you might not be good enough for SM. But at least you weren’t alone, not anymore. You had Mark, who will be there for you, every step of the way.