#my sister doesnt stay here when she visits bc shes afraid of her

[kissingwookiees]

i hate my mom

[my-castles-crumbling]

hey cas, reg kin anon here

(cw/tw for medical stuff, including cancer, chemo, and the side effects of such)

so ive now been living away from home for like 2 weeks (woo!) but im visiting home this weekend to pick up a few more bits and pieces (and tbh to visit my cats ♡)

my sister messaged when she found out (i assume our parents mentioned it? i never told her) to warn me that since i left, our mother had had another chemo appointment and has now lost most of her hair, so that i wasnt caught off guard when i got home and saw her, and also that shes v tired all the time and doesnt eat much anymore

first of all - this was a big surprise to me that she'd tell me this because shes really not a sympathetic/gentle person?? but when i spoke to my father he never said anything about it so im v grateful she told me beforehand

secondly - since moving out, ive sort of let myself forget about the cancer? if that makes sense? its been kind of 'out of sight out of mind' yknow? and im so afraid to suddenly be faced with very obvious signs of her illness because im honestly very comfortable living in denial until i cant anymore

so now im listening to 'soon youll get better' by taylor swift on repeat and trying not to cry over it because as much as i dont have a good relationship with my mother, i dont want her to be sick, and even though i know it will happen i don't want her to die. i think it wouldve almost been easier if i had stayed home this whole time, because then her decline would sort of be slow enough where i wouldnt notice so much? whereas now in my head shes going from still being quite healthy to being really sick and i dont want to see that

i feel like that makes me sound like a bad person too. like im almost considering just not visiting between this upcoming weekend and christmas just so that i dont have to watch her get worse, and that makes me feel like shit both ways

also so much for not having a breakdown bc i had to stop twice while writing this to have a little cry 🫠

Hi hon!

I'm so sorry that things with your mum aren't going well. I want to remind you though that however you're feeling about this is okay and valid. People handle illness in so many different ways and no way is the right way.

I do want to give you a very gentle and loving reminder, though. You mentioned maybe not visiting until Christmas. I understand the desire to not visit and it's extremely valid. But if you do decide not to visit, I just have to ask..is Christmas guaranteed? I don't want to pry or bring up possibilities that could be impossible, but with cancer, time can be a huge factor. Not visiting is still your choice to make, and I support you if you make it, but make sure you make an informed choice, you know?

I'm so sorry and I can't even imagine how horrible this is to go through. I'm sending you so much love and I'm so proud of you for talking about your feelings <3

[heybinnie]

Tagged by: @alette-stars​ (im so happy than k you so much!!! I WANNA BE FRIENDS WITH YOU TOO)

I’m going to tag: @pigonhannah youre the first person i thought of hahaha

THE LAST…

1.Drink: strawberry milk 2.Phone call: my mom 3.Text message: my dad 4.Song you listened to: currently polaris by astro is playing hehe 5.Time you cried: i actually dont remember,,,,,which is,,,an achievement, truly, honestly, thank u god,,

HAVE YOU EVER… 6.Dated someone twice: nah 7. Been Cheated on: nah 8.Kissed someone and regretted it: nah 9.Lost someone special: kinda i guess 10.Been depressed: :?) its weird bc if you never went to get it checked it could just be in your head? (someone said this to me once so it stuck to me ever since so...) but i had a bad time when i was ~15/16 11.Gotten drunk and thrown up: nah

LIST 3 FAVORITE COLORS: green, yellow, black

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU… 15.Made new friends: YOU ARE MY NEW FRIEND 16.Fallen out of love: yes 17.Laughed until you cried: yes (i thank my poly friends with all my heart) 18.Found out someone was talking about you: yep 19.Met someone who changed you: im not sure 20.Found out who your true friends are: found out the hard way 21.Kissed someone on your Facebook list: nah

GENERAL… 22.How many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: all of them, tho i barely talk to 3/4 of them (or even see them anymore) 23.Do you have any pets: wish i did :’( 24.Do you want to change your name: hmm i used to, because it was so common and people always spelled it wrong, but i think im starting to like it again so nah 25.What did you do for your last birthday: i stayed home until my family went out to eat dinner (kind of a birthday tradition) 26.What time did you wake up: heck i have no idea? i think 11? whAT DAY IS IT 27.What were you doing at midnight last night: I DONT REMEMBER HAHAHA 28.Name something you cannot wait for: astro comeback but also BIN’S LIE V IM SHAKING 29.When was the last time you saw your mother: half an hour ago (it is currently 245am) 30.What is one thing you wish you could change about your life: being less afraid of everything :( its gotten to the point that my lecturer looked at me once and went “why are u so scared” fam i swear to god i have no idea why but i dont wanna be so scared all the time anymore

31.What are you listening to right now: cat’s eye bop it

32.Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: there was a schoolmate called tom once, now i wish i’d talked to him 33.Something that is getting on your nerves: hmm my laptop is doing that whirring thing and even tho my sister said it’s rly nothing im kinda? anxious 34.Most visited website: tumblr :”) 35.Elementary: ? what is this asking  36, High School: ?? yes??? help 37.College: oh ok i dont know what kind of school im currently in is called in other countries but its a vocational school where we all study niche stuff soOoO it might be a mix of high school and college? i dont know im confused about our system 38.Hair color: black 39.Long or short hair: kind long...,. time for a snip snip chop chop 40.Do you have a crush on someone: binnie........but besides him nah 41.What do you like about yourself: i dunno man i look in the mirror a lot and even if i look past my appearance i cant find anything 42.Piercings: have them and like them 43.Blood type: I HAVE NO IDEA I REALLY WANT TO KNOW 44.Nickname: mir 45.Relationship status: singly shingly 46.Zodiac sign: pisces, tho i dont believe in it 47.Pronouns: she/her

48.Favorite tv show: any good cartoon show that isnt corrupted (teen titans go is a shame, man’s mistake, why would you do that) 50.Right or left hand: right (had to learn to write with my left when i broke my right arm; it’s chicken scratch tho) 51.Surgery: yes when i broke The Right Arm....at a stinkin playground :) my bestfriend still laughs at me about it im in idiot  52.Piercing: once again have them, love them 54.Sport: used to play basketball..... before i broke The Right Arm and then my stamina killed itself 55.Vacation: bring me back to japan or take me to korea :( 56.Pair of trainers: i only have vans literally thats the only pair of covered shoes i own 57.Eating: its now 257am....i had a burger an hour ago bc i have No Control 58.Drinking: plain water 59.I’m about to: (YOURE GOING TO WRITE THE NEXT CHAP---IM SHAKING) i should sleep soon 61.Waiting for: me to sLEEP 62.Want: motivation to write 63.Get married: i just wanna fall in love man 64.Career: i dont know :’)  65.Hugs or kisses: hugsSsS but only from people im comfortable with 66.Lips or eyes: eyes 67.Shorter or taller: taller 68.Older or younger: wait is this still about relationship thingies...bc older 70.Nice arms or nice stomach: arms 71.Sensitive or loud: both 72.Hook up or relationship: relationship (i never understood the concept of ‘hooking up’) 73.Troublemaker or hesitant: both hahaha i tend to be both myself (more on hesitant side) so it’d be hilarious if we hesitated or get ourselves into trouble together

HAVE YOU EVER… 74.Kissed a stranger?: nah 75.Drank hard liquor? : nah 76.Lost glasses contact/lenses? : nah 77.Turned someone down?: i think so 78.Sex on first date?: nah 79.Broken someone’s heart?: apparently i have 80.Had your heart broken?: :’) i think ive gotten my heart stomped on too many times so at this point really its just trying to protect itself 81.Been arrested?: nah 82.Cried when someone died?: yes 83.Fallen for a friend?: yes

DO YOU BELIEVE IN….

84.Yourself?: it sounds nice 85.Miracles?: i believe in fate 86.Love at first sight?: i actually dont really know 87.Santa Claus?: nah (it doesnt sNOW HERE) 88.Kiss on the first date?: nah 89.Angels?:  yes

OTHER…. 90.Current best friend’s name: i call her wild eyes hahahahahahahahaa 91.Eye color: looks black! like they say, the eyes are the windows to the soul 92. Favorite movie: pursuit of happy-ness, otherwise tangled bc im a sap

[ilygsd]

odfidk: 270618

i cry at least once aday cus im only surrounded by whites but like.... there are poc here. theres other adoptees of color and some poc in my DM’s wanting to chat with me and maybe even hang out but fuuuCKKK WHAT IS WRONG WTH ME WHY AM I NOT SOCIAL

i also always cry about how social and happy i used to be but im doing anything about it lmao. like i KNOW that in order to get my shit together i need to sleep and eat and exercize and shit..... do i do that?? absolutely the fuck no cus i love to feel sorry for mysel and watch myself destroy everything

i hate myself, i hate my life i can feel the anxiety coming and when that is i always call my mom but she’s white and im so  paranoid i dont trust white people with anything i REALLLY RESLLY REALLY want a therapist of color but my lazy ass cant even manage to call one cus i’d rather lie in my bed and DIE than doing smth productive with my life

also im together with a white dude and just thinking about how confused i am about this relationship makes me want to die alone. i cant trust my own thoughts and feelings but i SURE AS HELL cant trust anyone else either. not white people, no poc and not adoptees of color either. the only person i trust is my partner cus they know me better than anyone else and theyre wise but fuck i dont trust them either cus i cant even manage to tell them this cus ive already been such a horrible partner and i dont want to huet them but hey no its not even about that. its about ME not wanting to lose them cus im so fucking selfish which is only another reason i should break up. if you knew what a horrible partner, friend and human being ive been you’d all hate me. im such a hypocrite and when i hear my partner forigve me despie me KNEOING what i am like.......

how will i ever find someone who loves me like them. i’ll never find anyone like them. does it really matter that they’re white in that case? yes it does can i’d literally kILL myself if our children were to become white. how can i love myself after all of this. im holding onnto a dream of re-visiting my homecountry and my birth place. im holding omto a dream of learning mandarin and more abt my culture and get lots of chinese and asian friends but like..... who am i kidding. that wont solve my problems. what i feel is so much deeper. what i feel is nothing that can be fixed

IM SO FUCKINF SAD EVERYONE. IM SO SAD AND I MISS MY BIOLOGIAL PARENTS SO FUCKING MUCH. I HATE EVERYONE BUT ONLY BC I DONT KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH MY OWN SELF HATRED AND DISSATISFACTION. IM SO SAD AND FRUSTRATED AND LONELY AND I JUST WANT TO BE IN MY MOMS BELLY.

why did it turn out like this. what am i so problematic snd why am i not doing anything about it. why did i destroy and fux up every single relationship i ever had. why cant i love my adoptive family like anyone else. but why al i not strong enough to cut them off. is it bc i actually love them? or is it bc im scared of being alone? will i love them again when i’ve healed, when i’ve revovered from whatever it is im revorigin form. abandonment? loss? lost family, lost identity, lost culture, lost people

it doesnt matter how many POC i connect with or how many adoptees i connect with. i’ll always feel lonely. i’ll always be lonely. and im so pathetic i cant stand it. i’d rather kill myself than knowing i’ll always be lonely. ive fkd up every friendship and relationship i have and im too scared of building new ones bc im so over attatched and want to rely on them forever. and now i dont even feel anything but anger and hatred. im such a fucking mess. im a danger to myself and everyone around me. im abusing the ones i claim to love, i dream about taking a gun and just shoot everyone down. i dream about committing suicide but not bc i actually want to, but because i want to revenge. on who? i want my family to suffer. i want society to suffer and know my pain. but they wont. they never will

im all alone, im so lonely im so lonely i keep isolering myself. i keep dreaming about fkn kpop idols and anime characters. i will never get better if i dont do smth but im so tired and im so angry. but it only hurts me. im only hurting myself even more. no one cares. no one will ever care, its only hurting ME

i thought i had gotten better. i used to feel like this everyday. now its only once a month. but idk. i cant think straight, i cant control myself. i know i shouldnt post stuff lile this DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH IVE FKD UP CUS I CANT CONTROL MYSELF WHEN IM IN THIS KIND OF STATE ONE TIME I ACTUALLY THOOUGHT I WAS GONNA KILL SOMEONE AND THEN JUMP IN FRONT OF A BUS

im sitting in my room. my little sister is outside and when im done with this message i’ll go out to her and pretend nothing happened. i cry for myself. i cry for other adoptees too. i cry for my adopted little sister and how white she is. i cry for all adoptees who’ve grown up to become whites. i cry because im such a fkn mess. i cry bc my abusive tendencies started so early. i abused my little sister bc of my own fkn issues and our adoptive parents didnt even care, they didnt even realize.

i feel like this is who i was supposed to be. a disgusting manipulative abuser but i know thats just another excuse for me to not do smth about myself

why dont i care about my family? about my partner or my little sister? i’d say i love my partner the most but i care more about my little sister

sometimes when i see children of color, or asian children i just feel something so fucking strong. i feel like i want to die for them on the spot. i feel like straight out giving them my jeart and protect them forever.

i got pregnant when i was 17 and it changed my life. ive never been interested in children but after that i was. but its so unhelathy. im only interested bc i want someone like me. i even doubted the abortion. fuck i felt like absolute SHIT after the abortion. i felt like they took smth from me, they took my mom, they took my baby. everhthing was taken from me and i got nothing. if im not able to have biolocial children in the future i’ll kill myself. if my children is looking white or nothing like me i’ll kill myself. im happy i had an abortion tho. i wasnt mentally stable. poor child would have only been born bc i was feeling lonely

i’d be such a horrible mom too. i’d be so overprotective. im always like that. overprotective in a possessive kind of way. like YOURE MINE. my child would hate me and i wouldnt blame them. i just feel like i have to protect something. i NEED something to protect. no one ever needs me. im always clinging into others but no one ever needs me as much as i need them. a child would need me. but they would eventuellt grow up so im thinking about a dog or a car instead. they would need me.

you know what i want? uncondotional love. from people of color. yes i have that from my white adoptive parents but i dont feel it. instead i feel like im using them. im shitting so fucking much on them and i dont know if i do it even more cus i feel guilty for shitting on them. most times they just take it and its like that makes me even angrier but if they were to argue with me i’d fkn explode right there and now. ive always been such a problematic kid. i can feel it. my sister’s been so calm and perfect but ive always been unstable. its like i always test people. ive tested my adoptive parents for 17-18 years now.

but everhtime i actually have someone love me uncondotilnally i feel like i have to isolate myself. its such a weird fkn thing i have such a weird fkn conception abt relationships and such. its just the way i thought it was like. in a friendship, relationship or family theres ONE dominant and ONE submissive. i realized relationships doesnt work lile this AT AGE 17 WHEN I LOST ALL MY FRIENDS. can you believe i’ve lived like this for 17 years???? i still categorize ppl into this and its so fucked up. how could i think like this?? how can I STILL think like this?? the submissive have to love the dominant one but the dominant will always protect the submissive one. i always, ALWAYYS go for dominant ones. and its always, ALWAYS going shit. either bc i expect too much from them. i expect them to love me back snd PROTECT ME or im just too clingy and get rejected. bc when im the dominant one i get bored. its like i WANT to fight for peoples attention. i see them as superior and i feel good when they give me that. but not too much cus if they give me too much I’LL feel superior and then i feel bored. thats basically my relationship with my partner now. ive been an awful fkn asshat and they’re still staying with me. it disturbed me once so much i forced them to break up with me only to guilt trip them when they did.

im so fucked up i really am. my partner deserves so much better. im so fucked up that i want to break up with them but if i would, if they would, i’d go fucking banans. thats not a healthy relationship. i shouldnt be in relationship

i should be alone til ive fgired myself out. but lonliness and isolation drives me mad. i dont trust myself

this post wasnt supposed to be lile this. i was going to write smth intellectual but instead im exposing myself like this. why do i do that? i dont know. do i wan people to feel sorry for me?? is that what i want? do i want advice? advice that i know i wont follow anyways cus im a dumbass?? is it because i just cant hold it in? why dont i post it somewhere else private? especially when i KNOWW THAT ILL GET SO FKN ANXIOUS ABT POSTING THIS THAT ILL NEVER FACE ANYONE AHAIN SND ILL REBLOG SO MANY TAEHYUNG GIFS AND JUST LAUGH IT OFF BUT LILE..... IM STILL GONNA POST IT???

sometimes i tell myself i wouldnt care if i died but im actually so afraid of dying

i want to be happy i want to be good but i dont know if i can or if i deserve it. when im not feeling like shit i dont want to talka but this bc then i’ll feel like sjit snd im scared of myself. i feel like im turning into a demon, something i cant control and im scared i’ll do stupid shit

how do i get rid of this? how dont become happy. the fact that my family is white, my partner is white. is that a problem or is it only me? do i have to break up, do i have to cut off my family in order to become satisfied? in order to decolonize? i know adoptees who have. mostly cus they got real weird fkn prents but my parents are....... so-so. they’re white. they’re good parents except they’ee white. but other adoptees parents weren’t even good parents to start with and their whiteness and racism made it 722771x worse

i hate feeling so split always having to choose. choose between AP and bio family. whites and poc. i’ll choose poc. i’ll choose my birth family. but i dont have a birth family like...... and now im stuck with this white one. ive been abandoned multiple times im not strong enougg to get rid of my AP’s even if i want to. but i dont think that i want to. i think i love them. im just so fkn heartvroken abt the fact that they’re white and therefore constantly hurting me and my sister wether they want it or not. im stuck. its like a fkn curse.

i was a fine kid before. i always had these issue but the abortion def triggered it. the abortion and break up with my friends that was like the 3rd break up and i just knew that damn i dont have the energy to keep going. dont even get me started on the breakup. i was a sjit friend. yeah im still a bit salty cus i think hey could have handled it better but tbh........ they probably sensed the fucking freak inside of me me before it jumped. i keep telling myself they only protected themselves but im paranoid and hate everyone and when i feel abandoned and rejected i deal with it with being an abusive asshat

i wonder why im like this. im obv not the only one since i keep reading abt adoptees who murder and stuff. i kinda think thats me sometimes. that im gonna turn out like that and just go on a murder spree. when i see x-men or the black panther...... i always feel for erik and eric (sre they both named eric lmao). mage to and killingen. and all charcters like that. i cried so much when i watched these movies cus im so sensitive when it comes to families AND people. (xmen jewish ppl) (black panther black ppl). and i kind of undersyood them

especially xmen apacolypse. he really tried to turn good. he really got himself a family but even they got killed. everyone got kille. i kinda admire him but i also think he’s weak. how come he’s able to just turn good after that?????  i’d probably kill the whole fucking world. like what kind of propaganda IS THAT??? is that even real??

and i feel so awful cus i had a good childhood i guess??? i mean fkn killmonger grew up all alone and poor and he found his fkn dad murdered??? i understand that trauma!!! and magneto had his mom shot in front of him and watched his whole people fkn die. and what about me? i havent been through any of that

ofc i dont know. i dont know what happened before and i dont remember. my APs got divroced tho and my A mom got PTSD and i def think that affected me as well tho. i kind of lost my family AGAIN. and ive never really tristes them after that. even there u could feel me snd my fucked up ness

i was such a shithead to my mom who had freaking PTSD. i blamed her for everything. breaking up with dad, bad ekonomy and then our fkn white big brother moved home bc he was depressed too or smth and there we were. 3 kids sharing a room while mom was unemployed and slept in the living room. that was such a messy time and my 11 y/o self was so angry and aggressive. and my poor sister was so scared and shy. of me. of all of us

anyways why didnt my sister turn out like this? is it bc of my temepramwnt?? maybe. ive read abt mental illness but i dont really feel like anyone fits. im leaning more towards bpd. bipolar and ptsd are similar but i dont rly get those periods and i dont get flashbacks of my trauma either cus im not even sure what my trauma is. its more like..... a feeling rather than smth specific. i mean its not like i remember anything

but why did i tjen out like this. irs cus everyone hates me right? lmao u always think lile that ots so pathetic. i always think ppl do shit to huet m. my poor partner and ex-friends..... the simpliest mistake would make me crazy.

im such a horrible human and sometimes i dont want to do anything abt this. i just dont wanna CARE but i know i feel line that cus i feel guilty deep inside. and it wont make me happy either

if i recover will i stop hating white people? will i stop hate my family and non-adoptees? probably not white ppl and non-adoptees. i mean i still hate men and so so why would i stop just cus i recover. but my family? will i forgve myself? will i fogive them? i cant forive them ew no. ugh idek what im saying. what do i have to do to stop feeling like this?

maybe get out of bed? yeah thats a start

thanks ill reblog bts now and then ill turn off my phone and never come back. cant wait to comeback and cringe the fuck out of myself wow i love