#my silly lil sober blog

[sobergirl0]

87 days after...

Only 13 days to be 200 days in. 200 days sober, that’s fucking insane if you ask me.

Not once in these last 6 months have I ever been close to giving up. Sure, I’ve had the urge many times, but not as intensely as I’d thought I would, not as often either. And it keeps getting easier, my past self wouldn’t believe it for a second.

Things I’ve learned about myself so far:

I love, I absolutely LOVE art. Every single type of art. I’m the happiest when I come across a new movie I love (watch Barbarian !!!), when I discover new music, when I go to the theater, when I listen to someone read a poem.

I’m not desperate to be loved and I prefer being single if I’m not being romantically loved the way I need and deserve.

I’m NOT lonely. My best friend and family are always there for me, even when I couldn’t see it, even when I didn’t know how to let them help me.

My love language is quality time. For 24 years, I was completely clueless.

I used to hate my birthdays and to love being alone, I figured those were caused by my anxiety but I discovered I don’t in fact enjoy my birthday. However, I absolutely love doing things on my own.

I love being able to look back in time and find little things about myself, as if they were treasures: things I’ve written exactly 3 months ago, pictures of places I’ve forgotten I’ve been to, old tweets I wrote while I was furious. I like knowing how I was feeling, what I was thinking. I guess I like knowing today is not forever.

There are probably a lot more I’ve forgotten and so much more to learn. But today, I just love being sober.

[incorrectskyrimquotes]

???: Hey, you! Traveler! Do you have any healing potions or spells? I have the coin, or we could work out a deal...

> Use a Potion

> Use a Spell

> Attack [???]

> Do Nothing

[monayen]

"Ku-Ku." | Randal Ivory

➷ Paring - Randal Ivory x Fem!Reader [Randal's Friends / Ranfren]

➷ CWs - Noncon, Master/Pet play, cunnilingus, fingering, slight bloodplay, unsafe sex, pain

a/n - randal brainrot, i adore this lil freak :3 first fic on this blog btw !! requests open (check my pinned) also ignore any mistakes

Luther Von Ivory scans his options presented to him, there are many animals, but he's looking for something specific. A human. He actually didn't know what his brother preferred in humans, but he's sure Randal wouldn't question Luther’s wonderful taste.

The employee gets to you, “She just came in.” He sees you kick around in the cage you were in, “Let me out! I’m not an animal!” Luther sticks a long finger through the bars of your enclosure. He winces when he feels you chomp down on it, quickly drawing it back.

“Are you sure this isn't a dog? I much prefer cats if that's the case.”

“She's a full blooded human! Trust me, found her hitchhiking on the side of the road myself.”

“Hm, okay then. I’ll take her.” Luther’s lucky he kept a sedative in his car. You’ll get trained later.

Randal basically squeals when he sees you, immediately pulling you out of the box and into his arms. For however drugged up you were, you could make out what they were saying perfectly.

He shook you, “Brother, you really didn't!”

“I did. Isn't she pretty?”

“Yeah! I like the way her eyes droop, the drool is a great touch too.”

“That's not permanent, Randal.”

“Oh.” He pauses, “Well, her name is (Y/N).” You can barely mumble as you make out blurry beady eyes staring at you through thick rimmed glasses, “I want…to go… h…home.”

A bizarre giggle escaped his lips, ku ku? “Don't be silly, you are home now.”

You decided to just sleep.

Soon, you had to wake up. And when you do, you see you’ve been put in a frilly, black dress. It’s short sleeved with a white bow on the v-neckline, lace detailing follow the curve of your waist. You notice matching thigh-high black socks on you as well, though you didn't have on any shoes.

You are sober enough to note the room. Posters hang on the wall, all odd anime things, along with creepy dolls littering around that stare. It then hits you that you are sitting in a cushioned coffin.

Holy shit. This is some freak shit. Shit, shit, shit.

Before you can fully get up, the door slams open. “You’re awake!” It's the boy, Randal. You scream and jump back, falling back onto carpeted floor. Suddenly, he’s on top of you.

“Nyon reeeaaaallllyyyy got you in some cute clothes! You look like a doll! Very lifelike.” He seems to hum out the words as he straddles your hands to the side of your head.

“I want to go home! Let me go home!” You thrash beneath him, but he's freakishly strong for someone so lanky. His grip tightens on your wrists. “Nuh-uh. We bought you. Legally, you are mine.”

He keeps that toothy smile on his face, “Anyways, you were on the side of the road. You really didn't have a family, did you?” Randal laughs his weird laugh again while you stare at him with wide eyes, “Exactly what I thought!”

He doesn't loosen his grip as he brings his mouth down to lick your ear. You clamp up, “Don't… don't do that.” It comes out meekly, and though Randal isn't that intimidating in size, you feel dwarfed.

“Ah, I can train you however I want. I’m your master, remember?” Randal’s breath feels hot on the side of you before he licks you again, this time on your neck. “How about you say it? Say that I’m your master.”

You choke on a sob you didn't realize you were holding in as he murmurs into your ear, “Hey, listen to me.” Randal’s noticeably becoming more aggravated, his gloved nails are digging into your wrists now. He still keeps that terrible smile on his face.

With burning skin, you whisper, “You're… you’re my master…” Randal twists your wrists, “Louder for me.”

You cave in, “You're my master!” Finally, the pressure on your wrists is gone. He laughs again, moving one hand down to your waist while the other rests on your thigh. “Ku-ku, I like that!”

He fiddles with the side of your dress, slowly hiking it up to where your thighs and panties are fully exposed for him, the red on his face deepens. “You really are so so pretty! Soft, like a human pillow, so soft. I just wanna eat you.” He breathes heavily, “I just might.”

There's something prodding at the fabric on your thigh, he pulls them apart without much hesitation. “Please, don't.” Again, it’s quiet. He coos at your small plea, “Pets have to listen. Now, lift your ass.”

Finally, you're exposed to him. The dress is discarded next to you, along with your underwear. You want to curl up, hide, cover, anything. You can't. His grasp is too firm, and truthfully, you are scared. He doesn’t care to hurt you. He sees you as a pet, his human. That is your biggest flaw

Gloved fingers find your cunt, prodding at your entrance. Randal fiddles with the fly of his pants, pulling himself out. He strokes himself lazily, eyes glued to the sight of his fingers sinking into your pretty pussy. A small moan forces it way out of you, he has long fingers– like his brother. Soon, he’s knuckle deep, face inches from your slick heat.

“Hah, you're dripping!” You can't bare to look at him, head tilted in the air as you huff at the good

feeling. You aren't prepared when he suddenly sticks his tongue between your thighs. Oh. That gets a long moan out of you, “Nooo–”

Randal smirks, savoring your taste as he sloppily laps his tongue around his fingers and against your cunt. He can't help himself but jerk off his aching cock, getting off to your noises. He’s tasting you, but he wants more.

It feels like hours, but it's probably only been a few minutes that he’s been eating you out. It's creditably sloppy, drool drips down between you and you know he isn't great at it– but the eagerness makes a knot build in your abdomen. A loud moan mixes with your pleas when that knot snaps. You let go a pitched breath when he finally separates his tongue and fingers from you, moving to hover atop of you.

“I was right, you taste amazing.” He’s catching his breath, grabbing his cock as he aligns it between you, “You’ll feel amazing.” You want to beg but you know he wouldn't listen, why would you? You're just a pet. A pet he can do whatever to.

He rubs against you, teasing his tip at your entrance. “You want it? You want me to fuck you?” The shade on his face is heavy, his glasses are foggy but you can still see the glint of lust behind them, staring right at you. He grabs your face to look at him, “Say it. Tell your master you want it.” Again, he digs his nails into your puffy cheeks.

“Please– please master…” He roughly ruts against you, the side of his length rubs against your clit as he groans, “Fuck yeah!” Randal pitches, loud moans pull out of him, grabbing your clothed legs and angling them to rest on his shoulders, finally sinking his whole length into you.

You swear you see blood drip from his nose when he forces himself in, but you can't focus on it, he’s already moving in and out.

God, he's loud. Louder than you even, he can't keep himself together, clearly in bliss with his mouth hanging open slightly. “Ooooh– perfect, perfect pet!” Randal folds you, positioning roughly. He's trying to reach the deepest parts of you, he isn't concerned how your legs sting at the stretch. He's too focused on the way your tits bounce up and down, hypnotizing him to go deeper, faster.

You really are perfect, tight and wet around him. He wants to keep staring into your big, teary, eyes. It all aches him to get closer to you. He wants to fully consume you. For him to become a part of you. No, scratch that. You become a part of him.

“Hah, hah, you make your master feel soooo good.” He licks your tears, making you attempt to pull slightly from him, but he doesn't allow that to happen. Instead, he makes sure to fold you more, knees pressed against your chest in a way that makes you even tighter around him.

He’s speeding up, babbling about how good you feel. You feel like you can't even get a breath in now, it's hard to expand your lungs with your legs and Randal’s weight so close to your chest. Red blood drips onto your face and you look to see the pure lust Randal has spread across his face. You want to reach and wipe the blood so badly, feeling how it drips so closely to your mouth. Randal beats you to it first, gripping your face again and wiping his blood around with his thumb.

He laughs, smearing it across your face. Then, he tightens his grip again, his blood covered thumb rests on your quivering bottom lip, “Open up, doll.” You grit your teeth, trying to turn but his grasp locks you in place. “Ah, you should listen to your master.” You relent. “Good girl, ku-ku. I know you bite– don’t even try.” Then, he sticks his whole thumb in your mouth, rubbing it on the back of your tongue to make sure you taste the iron. You want to gag and bite, but you know you can't.

Randal finally draws his gloved thumb from your mouth, his blood replaced with your saliva. “Fuck– you feel so good, you me to come outside or inside? You– ah, tell me.” He’s twitching inside you, and quickly you shake your head, “No–”

“Kidding, I'm coming inside!”

Your stomach turns, and you hate the knot in your abdomen that makes you tighten around him, helping him come undone inside of you. He’s pumping white before you can even refuse, snapping his hips against you so hard you're sure you might bruise.

It's hard to tell how long it's been when Randal finally pulls out of you. You feel him drip down your sore legs, dampening your thigh-high socks. He eventually gets off on top of you as you both catch your breath. You lay on the carpet, a sticky and full sensation swallows you whole.

Randal has the nerve to snuggle next to you, wrapping his arms around your bare waist and burying his face into your neck. The smallest sob gets stuck in your throat, there isn't any way to get out of this, is there?

“Sh, just go to sleep. You have more training later.” Ku-ku.

[glittering-moonlillie]

Since you asked so nicely I’ll share my Damian Wayne x reader academic rivals to lovers. I totally see this as a series but it can work as an oneshot if you remove some parts…idk tho . This may or may not be based off my Damian Wayne academic rivals to lovers fantasy… anyways 🫣

BG- Damian and reader are both from the top families in Gotham and both go to Gotham Academy and have majority of their classes together (yk the smart classes). They both also run if similar friend groups, 2 separate groups but they both often get together at parties and hangouts even then they don’t really talk to each other other than quick glances.

1-Damian and reader are paired together for a semester long partner project and can’t get out of it.

2- They (Damian ) decide to do the project at Wayne manor and they run into his brothers and reader is getting along with them, especially with Jason talking about books and making jabs at Damian, must to Damian’s distaste so he pulls her away dragging her to his room. They end up arguing the entire time about what they’re going to do for the project until maybe Alfred comes in with snacks with an idea they both agree on and they make a plan for the project.

- After a few weeks damian and reader start getting closer (cuz they started having feelings for each other 😆) and hanging out outside of the project. They have gotten spotted together and magazines and newspapers have posted abt them but they’ve ignored and denied any claims. One day they go to a carnival or fair and run into the titans (including Raven, Damian’s ex)

- Both friend groups decide to go to this party and for the most part everyone is having fun (with the exception of Damian in the corner monitoring everything as he never turns off being a assassin and vigilante). Reader is drinking a lil and having fun when as she’s dancing a guy starts groping her and making her uncomfy and Damian gets a bit jealous and protects her. Since she’s tipsy she thanks Damian and goes on about how attractive he is and how much she loves his eyes. Damian takes her home (her parents are always on business trips so she basically always alone) and stays with her. When she sobers up she apologizes Damian tells her he also finds her attractive and they kiss.

-At schools everything is fine until lunch. Both groups decide to sit together (they do every once in a while). The resident mean popular girl tries to flirt with Damian but he’s paying her little to no attention. Reader is jealous so she walks up to him and sits on his lap (OMG SHOCKER) and Damian puts a hand on her hip to secure her and they just start flirting w each other and mean girl is lowkey fuming. Reader being the petty girl she is, responds to something the mean girl said abt kissing Damian like “You’re right, Damian is such a great kisser” and she just rushed out of the cafeteria fuming and reader is giggling to herself. Reader tries to get up but Damian doesn’t let her. Meanwhile the entire time the batkids that still go to GA are recording and sent the entire thing to Anti-Demon gc (named by Jason)

- (OPTIONAL) What happens in the gc after the video is sent

- Damian and reader finish and present the project and are kinda awkward for a bit after cuz they mainly got close cuz of the project and now they don’t have it to keep them in constant contact. But reader is like “but if you ever need a friend I’m here”. Damian feels off and asks his brothers for advice and they tell him he has a crush and he should ask you out so he does and you say yes

- Damian and the readers date. Date get interrupted by like a robbery or heist or something and y’all are taken hostage and the bats come and save y’all (just the date was boring to me so I added this for some spice and action). They kiss at the end when Damian takes reader home.

-(SO) Damian and his family get in an arguement and he goes to readers place and she comforts him. They’re so close they kiss and do the do 🤭. The morning after Dami makes breakfast and reader straight up asks him to be his gf (the asking part can happen in this one or after the date cuz I think it fits in either)

- (SO) Reader has a run in with Talia. It’s good and she doesn’t threaten reader. Damian comes as Robin thinking she needs saving and they’re both friendly with each other and Damian is happy abt it.

Final one from me… - (6m+ after they started dating) Damian and reader are both at a gala with their families and they reveal that they’re dating (publicly) and everyone is shocked cuz people thought Damian wouldn’t date after Raven and reader has never been seen with anyone. Reader is just like “Surprise 😁 *jazzhands*” but both families are happy for them.

… yea this might not work as a one shot… I lost count after 2 but some of these could be in any order but like the Talia and public announcement have to be the last 2 and 1 and 2 have to be first. Some might be able to be combined (maybe 1 and 2) idk… I just started typing my idea and 45 minutes later here we are 😭. The ones labeled with (SO) stand for “Side Oneshot” so they don’t have to be an offical part of the series and they can be on the side or completely separate oneshots.

<3 Rapzy

Hi, hello! Welcome to my blog where my whole motif is that fantasy and fun come to life (through my silly writings)

You say this is ur fantasy than consider it done and did and doing and does.

[sobergirl0]

a year and a half later

I wasn't sure I remembered the password, but I did. I do.

It's been 17 weeks since I last reported myself but not because I relapsed, kinda the opposite. I was too busy living, I guess. Sometimes I'm so busy living that I forget it used to be the hardest thing in the world. I painted the white walls of my bedroom recently and my first thought was "this is so fun and it looks so pretty, why didn't i do it sooner? oh, right, 'cause I was depressed!" I forget but sometimes I remember. Just like I still remember the password, just in case, just for days like today.

17 weeks equals 4 months, I didn't use a calculator, I counted the them one by one on a calendar. But I actually lived them too, week by week, day by day, that's insane. I guess the craziest part is I enjoyed living, meeting new people and new places and making new mistakes and learning and crying and having really bad days and really fucking amazing ones and never, not even once, relapsing.

[sobergirl0]

a crying on the bathroom floor kinda day

Yep, these still exist, even after a year and two months sober. I guess they're necessary. Obviously, that's not how you feel when you're sitting there, with your face buried in both hands, asking yourself "what do i do this for? is any of this even worth it?"

I would have entered a loop of wanting to disappear, getting anxious when my problems came back over and over again and never went away no matter how hard I tried to pretend they weren't there, wanting to disappear again, getting anxious, etc.

Today, I didn't do that. I don't blame myself for the things I did in the past, at least I don't anymore, but I'm not that person, I know how to soothe my body, I know healthier ways to deal with crying on the bathroom floor kinda days, I know better. So, I cleaned up, I exercised, I showered, I did every little thing I know that grounds me and help myself remember I know better.

I feel proud, strong, comfortable with myself because this proved, once more, I know how to take care of me. I promised not to leave me behind and that's usually easy and getting easier, but today was fucking hard and I didn't, not even for a second, think of risking everything I've achived.

Today was a wonderful crying on the bathroom floor kinda day.

[sobergirl0]

9 days away from a year sober

I remember being proud of myself for spending 5 days without roleplaying, already noticing changes in myself, spending hours rotting in bed and wondering if it would always be that hard. It's been 356 days since I decided to leave it behind and never looked back.

I'd spent so many years hating myself, I was furious. It's crazy to think now I look back and only feel greatful. Past me didn't think she had nothing to live for, to fight for, but she still believed in me enough to stay and to take the decision to get sober. If it wasn't for her (me), I would have never reconnected with my loved ones, with my art, with my city, with myself.

Life is still fucking hard, my anxiety still follows me wherever I go, the question "is it even worth it???" comes back to me over and over again. But also, I'm the happiest I've been in 7 years. All I can say is thank you not-sobergirl for giving me a chance, not matter what I'm never going back to that shithole.

[sobergirl0]

Life shouldn't be a war

That was the first lesson I had to face when I decided to get sober and stood in front of a life that hadn't been taken care of in 7 years. There was so much I didn't like (that's a lie, I didn't like anything at all) and I'd spent ages fighting it all. I was always angry, mad, FURIOUS because of the way I looked, how much I weighted, the clothes I used to wear, I didn't like so many things about myself but also about my life. And every single thing I spent my time fighting against fed from my energy til there was nothing left to live.

That was when I had to make a choice and learned a phrase that will forever be my best friend: embrace it or change it. There isn't a third option!!! Is it changeable? Then you work on it, make a compromise and change it. Is it not? Then you embrace it. That was the day I decided I wouldn't waste any more energy, any more time, any more life on the things I hated about what surrounded me both outside and inside.

I realized I'd been fighting my whole life and I would never win, not when I was only fighting against myself. Everything changed since I learned to keep only what I can embrace, to take the time to do so and accept me for me, to own my life and be able to decide what's worth it and what isn't.

Happy 11 months and 2 days sober.

[sobergirl0]

Being present all the time is hard

And I didn't remember that, cause I hadn't been in a long time. And when I was, only half of me was here, the other half was always somewhere else.

Being present all the time is tiring, exhausting even. Sometimes, it makes me want to rip my hair off. I don't miss rps, not in the slightlest, but every single day I miss being away and feeling this burden away as well. Being sober means feeling it all the fucking time, feeling /me/ all the time which is something I'm getting better at dealing with but it's still awful most days, being painfully aware of everything that has gone wrong, will go wrong or could potentially go wrong.

A few months ago, I'd started reading my chats from when I used to roleplay which I KNOW is wrong. Every single time I did, I can swear I felt my body get physically high. My tongue would feel heavy in my mouth, my skin would get hot, I couldn't focus my eyes on anything, time went by faster than ever and when someone tried to talk to me they sounded far away. I admit it, I did it a few times before I managed to delete them all. Because every single time I did it, I got to travel somewhere else, I got to stop feeling me, and the burden and everything else around me. And even though it's a marvelous feeling, one that I miss so fucking much, I won't let it steal any more time from me, 7 years is enough.

Being present is hard, but being away is not an option anymore. I'm not leaving myself behind again, I haven't in 328 days.

[sobergirl0]

I sometimes forget what my body really went through

I'm 9 days away from my 11 months sober medal. Only a month and 9 days to be a whole year sober, which is fucking crazy.

And the thing is... The first half was the easier one, and I wasn't expecting that at all. The first couple of months were filled with first times, with relief, with self discovery and a certain self awareness I'd long forgotten. But as time passed and I got better and got back a lot of pieces of my life I couldn't even remember ever having, things got harder and I started to forget what my body (and my whole self) really went through.

I got impatient, frustrated, and almost unconsciously I began running towards an impossible goal (as I tend to do): getting back the 7 years I lost, making up for the lost time, fixing every single thing I'd broken in myself, as if things could ever work like that. They don't, and even though I'm slowly accepting what I've lost, I still need to learn how to forgive myself for losing it all.

I used to be so mean to myself, I used to be my worst enemy, I used to wish I was dead. I used to hate my body from the core, I used to make fun of my personality, I used to waste all my energy convincing I wasn't worth being loved in any single way. And I don't know how to forgive myself for any of that.

I used to spend days without showering, I used to skip brushing my teeth all the time, I used to wear the same clothes and refuse to get new ones, I used to force myself to stay inside for weeks. And I don't know how to forgive myself for any of that.

But also, I don't know how to allow myself and my body to face the consecuences of what I've done to myself. I want to live my life now that I have it back, while everything in me is still dealing with 7 years of me hating every single thing about myself. I need time but specially I need to understand I can have all the time I need.

[sobergirl0]

24 y/o girl who thought life was hard discovers life is actually hard

Sober life is so fucking hard. Scary, terrifying.

It’s been more than 3 months, and I’ve done so much. I’ve put so much together, and yet today, right now, I feel like I want to disappear. It’s hard to breathe, my head hurts, everything feels like too much. But I’m sober. I’m still sober and I’ll still be sober once this awful feeling is over. It always comes to an end and it will this time as well.

It’s just so hard. And yet, I left the country for the first time, I made new friends which sometimes felt impossible at my age (as if I was 98 or something), I started writing again, I met so many people, got to see so much, defeated some of my worst fears. Sober. I managed to do all that and more, ‘cause I’m sober.

And now, I want to be ready to love again, and to be loved. Why does it scare me so fucking much? Why do I feel like running away every time I think of seeing him in person? Why do I feel like I don’t deserve it?

Sober life is so fucking hard, and yet non-sober life is just... Not life.

[sobergirl0]

I still don’t know how to write poetry. I still write for you

Would you recognize my face if you saw me in the street? Would you recognize my name if I told you I’m that girl?

March, 2022. I try to silent them, there’s no use: the streets still cream your name.

I went by our spot today, it’s been closed. I wonder if we were the last ones to call it ours.

I wonder if its closeness was what killed ours. I wonder if I’ll ever stop wondering.

Sometimes I wish we were close, too. Today I wish I could feel you far away.

[sobergirl0]

I was slowly fading

When I rped on a daily basis, I was only half here, ‘cause I was always half there, too.

Half present, always fighting the urge or drifting away completely. Everything felt half as intense. Always half fading.

I never had time, ‘cause I was constantly doing it, thinking about it, obsessing over it. And I only see all of this now, even though it’s so obvious.

I didn’t have enough time to shower every day (10 minutes a day!! I just couldn’t do it), I didn’t have enough time to reply to my friends, to be fully focused on a conversation or a show or a movie, or a walk. How? How could I live that way? Just thinking about it I get chills.

Sure, I might have bad days, I might get the urge every now and then. But I’m so happy, so present, so /here/. I’m so sober. 6 weeks today, actually.

[sobergirl0]

Used to wish I was dead, now I just wanna feel alive

I love reading, I love watching shows, I love spending hours on TikTok, I loved roleplaying. Because I love dissociating and everything that comes with it.

I’m self-concious in more than one sense, the most difficult one to deal with being the fact that I’m always conscious of me, my actions, my words, my mistakes. For me, dissociating is forgetting I exist, forgetting I have a body I rarely ever enjoy being in, forgetting all the mistakes I’ve made through the years, forgetting I’m alive.

So, I read, I watch shows, I spend hours on TikTok and I wasted 7 years of my life roleplaying.

But there’s one thing, /one/ thing that feels like the major dissociating technique for me, which is crazy because it’s the exact opposite of issolating myself to read. When I’m with someone who makes me feel comfortable in my own skin, who makes my heart sing and time pass by as if it’s nothing, I forget I exist, too.

Sometimes, I wonder if that’s what feeling alive truly means. Not being constantly conscious I am, but not remembering at all.

He made me feel like that but I don’t know if I’ll ever see him again.

[sobergirl0]

I’ve been looking for someone to stay but I’ve never done it first

I’d forgotten what it was like, starting to like someone this way. I haven’t done it since I started with rps, not like this, and I’m terrified.

I’d forgotten how good it feels. The way my heart jumps in my chest every time I think of that smile, the way my addictive brain loves to play /that/ scene over and over again only to feel the high again, the urge of running and jumping to get rid of the adrenaline, the feeling of having something that’s only mine, like the sweetest secret.

I’d forgotten how bad it feels. The doubts, the fear of getting rejeacted, of not being enough, my incapacibility of thinking of anything else.

But when I was there right in front of him, fuck it felt good. It felt as if I didn’t exist anymore in the best way possible, as if I finally managed to stop being conscious of every single thing about myself. Of course, I could only think of that smile and the fact that was directed at me, that was because of me.

I’m 40 days sober and I know, I feel in my heart, I could get addicted to that smile. Which is probably the reason why I should turn around and walk away. I’ve been doing just that for the past 5 years, not anymore.

[sobergirl0]

How do you love?

Age: 23

Dates: 0

People who have loved me romantically: 0

How? How do you love? How do you get loved? Everywhere I go, people are in love, suffering from love, about to get married, having kids, getting a divorce, talking with 5 people they could potentially love. And I’m... Alone.

I don’t love anyone, no one loves me. I don’t think I’ve ever loved anyone, I’m sure no one has ever loved me. And sometimes, during my darkest days, I’m not sure if that’s possible.

During my best days, I’m still hopeful, I’m still waiting. But I hate waiting.

Today, I’m not hopeful, but I’m not being dramatic either. Instead, I’m sober. I’m 38 days sober and I’m focusing on the fact that I’d never thought about this kind of things while I was focusing on rps every hour of the day. I stopped craving love, I stopped leaving my home, I stopped trying.

I’m still not sure if I’m lovable or capable of love, but today I’m willing to try.