#my queen who makes me feel so many sad emotions i love you forever

[nevermoredragon-main]

Isabella is so pretty y'all please look at her. 😭

Anyone ever just watch tpn season 1 after season 2 and get really mad or upset? My true Roman Empire for real.

[10underoot2]

Saddest Scene in Queen of Tears yet

This scene is so utterly sad. It always makes me feel so many emotions and I'm so scared years down the line I'll forget why I love it so much. So here's everything it makes me feel and what I think it makes these two feel as well.

We can't start this scene without context. Haein says this Hyunwoo a few hours before they meet in the rain: 'Why did you send the flowers? And the condolence money? Stop playing. You digust me. Even if I forget my memory down the road, I will never forget what you did to me. You let go of my hand when I was the most helpless. I will never forgive you. Try all you want but I will resent you till my dying breath. So all you need to do is stay still and get lost when I tell you to.'

Here's the short version of the post and their thoughts. You can the more detailed version of my analysis of this scene here.

Hyunwoo's thoughts:

- She said she'll resent me forever but she doesn't remember. She's so loving and so warm right now.

- This is my Haeina. How did I forget who I fell in love with. This is what it used to be like. Why didn't I work harder to get her to smile like this at me before? Why did this disease have to remind me?

- We've had this conversation before. She doesn't remember. How bad has it been for her?

- What have I done to her? I should have been there for her. She said I left her hand when she was the most helpless. Why wasn't I there? And I still can't be there?!

- I'll have to tell her everything again, won't I?

- There it is she loves me. She loves me? She never really stopped did she? She did love me....all along.

Haeina's Thoughts

- First blow: Oh we've went to Germany this is so disorienting. I still don't remember if I got treated? Did the treatment not work then?

- What is he saying? I love him so much. We love each other why would he divorce me? And why haven't I retaliated against him then?

- Second blow; Oh. I remember. His harsh words. I'm so hurt and so embarrassed. Time to let go.

[poppletonink]

FILM REVIEW: Red, White and Royal Blue

★★★★★ - 5 stars

"You need to figure out if you feel forever about him. Do you love him?"

The so-called "Cake Gate" was an accident - I mean, nobody would choose to have a £75,000 cake fall on top of you and your worst enemy. Alex Claremont-Diaz didn't mean to create an international scandal, but it doesn't mean he didn't do it. Now, his mother, the President of the United States needs him to do some damage control in order to not mess up her opportunity of winning the next election. Except, Alex Claremont-Diaz cannot stand Prince Henry and now he has to pretend they're best friends. Yet as Alex and Henry spend more time together, they realise that their hatred towards each other is completely unprecedented and quickly find themselves hurtling into a secret relationship with each other. As the election draws closer, Alex realises that he feels something more for Henry. Alex realises that he is in love with him. The question is what is worth the sacrifice? Is he willing to potentially upend two nations and ruin his mother's campaign? Is true love really worth it?

Red, White and Royal Blue seems like some sort of whacky, wild fan fiction in summary - it's a royal au, follows the enemies to lovers trope and very much so idiots in love. Despite the AO3 tags it perfectly fits into, Red, White and Royal Blue is so much more than it seems. It's a beautiful love story, a tale of hurt, heartbreak and comfort, that emotionally hits the viewer in ways you aren't expecting.

As someone who read the book a long time before the film was even conceptualised, (and as it's one of my favourite books of all time) my standards for how great this film needed to be were extremely - and I mean extremely - high. Despite leaving out bits from the book, which as sad as it may be is understandable due to time constraints, it still hit me just as viscerally as the book. Somehow even though some of the largest plot points (e.g. Bea's cocaine addiction) and most important characters (June Claremont-Diaz who I adore so very much) were missing, it still remained really accurate to the book. That sounds really contradictory, I know, but it was genuinely amazing how many lines they kept word for word from the original novel. It's something that I truly appreciate about recent book to screen adaptations, and I loved the fact that I could notice every time that it happened.

Nick and Taylor's chemistry was off the charts, which is something that seemingly came out of left field for a lot of people, but quite genuinely made the perfect Alex and Henry. They perfectly performed the witty banter, the yearning looks and the complete and utter disdain they have for each other at times. They made Alex Claremont-Diaz and Henry Fox Mountchristen Windsor real and by doing that they too made history.

Music played quite a large role in this film from the beginning until the end. I think the greatest song choice was undoubtedly Katarina Stratford's anthem. Bad Reputation was a brilliant choice for the theme song - it's such a perfect representation of Alex as a person, of him not caring what other people think and simply doing what he wants to do. It was also great to see Henry's karaoke performance of Don't Stop Me Now by Queen on the screen, and Henry and Alex dancing in the V&A was quite frankly beautiful.

Overall, Red, White and Royal Blue is a must-watch film of 2023. It's raw and emotional; it's a master class in romance; and it's extremely funny. It's a story that will make history.

[stormyoceans]

I'm telling you, this vice versa fever is never going away, and I owe a HUGE chunk of it to you. A few thoughts I had in the past hour:

1. There isn't enough good peuntalay fics on ao3. My boys deserve so much love. I am a sucker for feelings and emotions and i think about them post vv so many times in a week it's just sad. I always welcome recs 🙌🏻

2. Jimmysea went from being almost the same height to SEA being taller than jim and this is something i stay up thinking about. There's just SOMETHING about that height difference that's so DELICIOUS, it makes my imagination run WILD (not in a sexual way, only pure thoughts here)

I will forever come to you about my random peuntalay and morkday thoughts so prepare your inbox 🤭😚

PEOPLE THINK IM KIDDING WHEN I SAY I’LL BE 90 YEARS OLD AND STILL TALKING ABOUT THIS SHOW BUT WATCH ME TRY TO MAKE FRIENDS AT THE RETIREMENT HOME LIKE EXCUSE ME DO Y’ALL KNOW ABOUT QUEEN VICE VERSA THE SERIES THE FIRST OF HER NAME

right now im just so very grateful to have you sharing this endless derangement with me tho 💜 also the fact that im even partly responsible for your vice versa fever makes me way happier than it probably should sfjksgfjsg

unfortunately i don’t have many fic recs ;;;;;; part of it is because these days i have so little free time that i usually give priority to watching shows or reading books, but i also have to admit that i am annoyingly particular when it comes to fanfiction: i need the characterization to be as similar to the one i have in my head as possible, otherwise i just can’t bring myself to fully like the story ;;;;;;;; if you checked ao3, you’ve probably already read the few recs i have, but let me share them anyway to spread some love!!!

a glitch in the universe by @morkofday

After spending almost eight months in their own universe, Puen and Talay are finally getting married. Their wedding day is supposed to be the best day of their lives, the perfect start for their forever together. But as Talay recognizes Tun in Puen's body moments before their wedding ceremony is meant to begin, it becomes obvious that the universe has very different plans for them.

home by NgumNumNom

A 3+1 fic where 3 times Puen felt lonely and didn't know what the comfort of home was vs the 1 time when his home was right beside him. Plus a bonus because we all love fluff.

husbands to be by @distant-screaming

“I just can’t wait to get married to you,” Puen's grin widens. “My husband.” (Puen and Talay plan their wedding. As usual, they don't stay on track for long.)

regretted anticipation by @distant-screaming

Puen knocks on Talay’s door. He hopes the person who opens it this time will be Talay.

they're not that many, but imho these are really good!!!!! i agree with you that we do need more tho!!!!!!

ALSO JIMMYSEA’S HEIGHT THE ULTIMATE LONG LASTING MYSTERY IN THE NOMNOM FANDOM because if we listen to them then jimmy is 180 cm while sea is 178 cm BUT I SWEAR MOST OF THE TIMES SEA DOES LOOK JUST A TINY BIT TALLER SO WHAT'S THE TRUTH!!!!!!!! either way sea really has grown a lot in the past couple of years and it makes me sooooo emotional, he was so teeny tiny back then 🥺

i actually love that they don't have such a big difference in height and build, just enough to have their characters be perfect for cheek kisses and back hugs GOD BLESS

[fareehaandspaniards]

can i get uuuuuuhhh Olek for the character ask game !

HOLY MOLY yay!!

Favourite thing about them:

I can summon him so often! And I like him being ONLY in pthumeru chalices. I suppose this is his special interest

Least favorite thing about them:

Wasn't really helpful in a battle with Amygdala in the Chalice. Queen Killer won this round

Favorite line:

favorite LINE. in a FROMSOFTWARE game. when 5/7 of my favs have no LINES

Can I put there quote from my fic then? XD

"I don't know. They're all heavy and… To me, they're all equally uncomfortable and incomprehensible. I have to learn to work with all of them though. Olek, why did you choose the kirkhammer… You're Olek, right? I apologize if I-”

Damian nodded his head in apology, but his speech was interrupted by the other.

"Nevermind. Yes, the name is Olek. You see, buddy,” and the conspiratorial tone made Damian laugh. "this weapon is a contrast in itself. Deafening power and deadly speed"

Olek said it with feelings, and his eyes widened with emotion. It seemed like he is about to press his lips to his hammer.

"I don't know how to wield it myself, but for the sake of such a juicy silver lady, I should at least try…."

-------

"People usually end badly when they think too much of themselves"

Olek rubbed his chin thoughtfully, the light stubble growing on his darkish skin.

brOTP

Olek x Gremia. No, really, their union is something incredibly silly and funny. They are two guys who grew up on the street, so they understand each other perfectly, communicating with the "lower" Yharnam dialect. They had each other always, until the very end, and Olek healed Gremia's broken heart many times (when Damian left Tomb Prospectors) with drinks and walks around the city, as well as sometimes making fun of the Church servants. And Gremia did for him the same, when Olek felt sad or tired!

The two of them would look in the direction of a beautiful girl, and Olek would be like, "What a hot chick 😏😏😏" and Gremia would be like "Yeaaaah 🤤" and everything is fine, until it turns out that Gremia was staring at the old hunter with a cane standing behind this girl (and it's not even Damian)

OTP

Olek x Lady Maria.

I can elaborate!! I don't ship them, because for me Maria will always be with Gehrman. BUT. According to the plot of my fic, Olek often visited the Research Hall, where he met Maria. And of course he was attracted by her ancestry. At first, it was even more of a scientist's interest, and he tried to find out from Logarius, from Gehrman and from Ludwig who she was. And when he tried to get to know her to learn more about Cainhurst Castle and its queen, he found that next to Maria's straightforward kindness and politeness he was speechless. Literally couldn't say a word because of embarassment. And he couldn't ask her anything. He fell in love with her, but the feeling remained unspoken, and Olek tried to kill it in himself. And although he often made small signs of attention for Maria, like bringing treats or tea or flowers, he was never able to get close to her or at least find out what was weighing on her heart and soul. He did his best 🥺

And Logarius ridiculed his sensitivity

nOTP

doesn't exist

Random headcanon

Throughout his life, Olek is haunted by failures in romantic adventures. Although he is a kind, caring and rather reverent guy, he does not manage to build a long-term relationship due to various reasons. He is hampered by his work, stubborn nature, and obsession with the Pthumerians (which makes him think about them almost constantly). He would make a wonderful family man, but in the end he gives up in search of his soulmate and remains forever in the dungeons of Ptumeru.

When he reached the tomb of Queen Yharnam, he took a blood oath and in madness asked for communion to pthumerians

Unpopular opinion

There are probably no Popular opinions here. I don't know actually. Only that he is much more important than it seems and a part of the story just as other old hunters

Song I associate with them:

Language of Love by Ylvis or Janym by Ylvis lol

Favorite picture:

[camillemontespan]

forever and eternity [drake x camille AU] [chapter two: the descendants]

@karahalloway @sophxwithers @katedrakeohd @angelasscribbles @notoriouscs @jovialyouthmusic @twinkle1973 @gardeningourmet​ @saivilo​

 @moonlightgem7​

I’m not sure who else is still languishing in this fandom but here is the 2nd chapter of this AU fic that seems to have gotten some popularity. Thank you so much for reading the first chapter, I appreciate your comments. 

Chapter One here 

In my head canon, Camille is actually a descendant of Madame de Montespan, purely because I LOVE Montespan’s story. It might seem a bit silly writing her into it like this but this is my fic so... 

********************************* It had been 96 years since Camille Montespan had seen Drake Walker.

She rounded the corner around the back of the diner and pitched up against the brick wall, leaning her hands on the wall so she could steady herself. Hot tears blinded her vision as she struggled to breathe. 

‘Camille!’

His voice. His voice had a certain softness underneath the deep tones. So familiar to her. 

She slowly turned around to face Drake. He looked like he had seen a ghost. She imagined that she did too. 

‘How are.. How are you still alive?’ Camille asked, knowing her question sounded incredibly weird to a casual observer but to her, it meant the world. 

‘How are YOU still alive?’ Drake hurled back. His skin had gone back to normal but his eyes were still wild. ‘Camille, what the fuck?’

Camille raised a hand. ‘Hey, don’t start interrogating me, Drake! I have questions for you too!’

Drake stepped back. His eyes now narrowed.

‘You’ve got questions for me?’ he asked. ‘Seriously? Camille, you’re the one who upped and left! You didn’t even leave a note! I woke up and you were gone!’

As his voice began to rise, Camille’s eyes filled with fresh tears. She brought her hands up to grip her head as she turned around in a circle, trying to make sense of what was happening right now.

‘It’s been 96 years,’ Drake went on, his voice harsh, ‘I have thought about you every fucking day for 96 years. I thought you were gone. Dead. But no. Here you are, working in this shitty diner looking like you haven’t aged a day!’

Camille rubbed her eyes fiercely. When she looked up at him, he was staring at her, waiting for her to speak. 

‘I didn’t know-’ she began.

‘Didn’t know what?’ Drake interrupted. 

Camille bit her lip and looked down at the ground, wringing her hands together. ‘I didn’t know you were like me..’ 

Drake swallowed. ‘I didn’t know you were like me either.’

Camille felt a sob escape her throat. She could feel tears slowly sliding down her cheeks as she felt every emotion a human could feel. 

Sadness. Guilt. Shame. Love. Joy. Confusion. Anger. 

Anger.

Yes, she was more angry. Angry at herself. Angry at the universe.

96 years she had thought about Drake Walker. 96 years she thought he was dead. But here he was, alive and well, looking exactly as he did when she left him. 

96 years wasted. 

*************************************

Throughout her time on earth, Camille Montespan had lived many lives. She had been poor, she had been rich. She had travelled the globe. She had loved and she had lost. 

She had loved one more than most. 

Camille’s beginnings were confined to the history books. Her name - her real name - was Francois-Athenais  (Athenais being her preferred name) and she was born in 1640. The daughter of a French duke, she became a prolific member of the royal court, serving as a lady in waiting for the Queen. Her wit and beauty had soon earned her a place in the king’s bed. 

Louis, the Sun King, had fallen for her and she became his favourite. Until she wasn’t anymore.   

Sometimes, when Camille waited tables and locked up the diner at midnight, she thought back to her time amongst the gold silk sheets of Louis’ bed,  and laughed at how different her life was now. 

Camille came to the slow, haunting realisation that she was in fact, immortal, when she reached her 60th birthday yet still looked 27. 

She had suspicions, of course. But it was on her 60th birthday that she truly accepted the fact. France had become a place of suspicion and death; many people believed that ordinary women were witches. If they looked at her and saw her unlined face and smooth skin, the accusations would be life threatening. 

Camille left France in 1700, deciding to travel to the New World to see where life would take her. 

And what a life. 

It was a life she could never tell anyone about. She changed her name to Camille Montespan; she wanted to hold onto that integral part of her identity that had shaped her. If anyone studied French history and thought it was funny that she shared a name with the infamous Madame de Montespan, who was the Sun King’s favourite mistress and who was embroiled in one of the most deadly events at Versailles, she simply said that she was her descendant. 

Because at this point, she felt like a descendant. She had lived this long.

********************

‘We need to talk,’ Drake said, interrupting Camille’s thoughts. ‘You owe me that much.’

Camille pressed her lips together and nodded. ‘Okay. Let’s talk. I know a bar down the street.’

Drake smirked and Camille felt her stomach flip. God, that smirk. She forgot the impact it always had on her. 

‘Hey!’

Camille turned to see a tall blonde man walking towards them. He nodded at Drake. ‘You okay, man?’

Drake laughed bitterly. ‘I’m alive.’

The man cast a long glance at Camille. ‘So she’s one of us.’

Camille frowned. ‘Who are you?’

‘Leo,’ he said. ‘And I know exactly who you are, Camille. This guy hasn’t shut up about you for 96 years.’

Drake turned red. Camille’s eyes widened. ‘You’re like us?’

Leo nodded. ‘Unfortunately.’

Camille’s head swam with more thoughts. How many people were out there who were like her? She thought she was the only one. 

‘I need a drink..’ she muttered.

Leo laughed. ‘I second that. Drake?’

‘I need a whisky,’ Drake said. ‘A bottle.’

Leo pointed down the street. ‘I know this bar-’

‘We’re going there,’ Camille interrupted. 

Leo glanced between Camille and Drake. ‘God, I can see why you guys got together.’ 

Drake let out a groan. ‘Leo, man!’

‘I’m KIDDING,’ Leo protested. ‘Alright, let’s go. Camille can explain what she’s been doing.’

The three of them began to make their way down the street towards the bar. Camille’s heart hammered in her chest. How could she explain? How could she tell Drake what happened? 

96 years wasted. 

[cherry-velvet-skies]

No one asked for this but I'm bored and I need a distraction from the literal apocalypse outside

Superpowers I think My Faves Would Have

(Also please remember these are just my opinion! If you have different theories pls comment I'd love to see them 😁)

(Bands featured below the cut: Måneskin, The Beatles, and Queen)

MÅNESKIN

Damiano - Flight. Easy. The whole Icarus motif that he is super into? This was a simple choice. Would have giant elaborate sparkly wings just to be that bitch

Victoria - I keep being drawn to super speed. It seems fitting considering she enjoys the party life and is constantly on the go for vacations and holidays even when the band isn't touring. Plus for long trips (whether for touring or travel), transportation would be a breeze.

Thomas - I feel like he would be able to control electricity. He's always reminded me of the human version of pikachu for some reason 🤭 I imagine him waving his hand like he'd be casting a spell and then lightning would just shoot out of his fingertips 😁

Ethan - Mind control. Although I don't think he'd ever use it tbh. He would think it was too dangerous and that so many bad things could happen. Until he found out that he can just make people do good things and just makes everyone be kind to one another and literally creates world peace.

THE BEATLES

John - What came to my mind was invisibility. And I feel like when he first discovers he can do it, he wouldn't like it because he can't control it that well. I see it acting up when he gets emotional, either too sad or too angry. But once he's able to manage it, he has a ton of fun with it lol

Paul - This was a tricky one, but I decided on telepathy, and my explanation is that I don't have one. He just seems like a person who would either know what you want once he got to know you well enough, or he would just wanna know what people were thinking about him specifically at all times. Somehow I think it's both.

George - Shapeshifting. I don't think I need to explain this one. But I think if he could he would've absolutely just turned into a tree and just lived that way forever. Eternal peace.

Ringo - Ability to control water. Aside from him also being a water sign, I feel like this goes with his whole peace and love mentality. Water can be calm and flowing or it can be rough and destructive. With everything he went through in life, he could've been a hateful person, but he chooses to spread kindness instead. He chose to calm the waters ❤

QUEEN

Freddie - Another tricky one, but I ultimately chose invincibility. I'll be honest, the thought came from him being untouchable in terms of rock royalty, and he would be able to accomplish anything without any difficulty. Plus he was always a very confident person who was proud of who he was and nothing could take that away from him ❤

Brian - This may sound weird (haha, get it? May? No? Just me? 😅), but super stretch. I picture him having powers like Elastigirl from The Incredibles 😁 I guess I relate it to him always being the tallest, plus his hair adding extra height. I think it would be funny if he was in another room and needed something he would just stretch his arm and get it without having to move.

John - Healing. Seems like an obvious one to me. He's such a pleasant person and seems like it's an ability he would want to have anyway. Just always making people smile and spreading happiness. Plus if anyone was injured he could just cure them instantly 😁

Roger - This was the trickiest one, but I'm gonna have to say telekinesis. Could play the drums from across the room, could drive a car while relaxing in the seat as if he were a passenger (I'd like to believe his method would be more effective than any self driving car on the market), and I think he would have a hell of a time tossing random objects at the other members to prank them without lifting a finger 🤭

[bloodcoveredgf]

(i hope its okay if i send a lot of these im so curious lol)

💀= what horror movie scared you to death?

💅= who is the greatest horror movie badass bitch?

🦇= favourite horror movie?

🐺= favourite type of horror movie monster?

🧨= most shocking ending to a horror film?

⚰️= favourite horror trope/cliche?

🎥= can you recommend me a horror film?

omg its totally okay tysm this is so fun :) gonna leave the answers under here because i rambled so much hgdkjf

what horror movie scared you to death?

the most recent time was back in 2018 when i watched hereditary for the first and only time... so hereditary but it was mainly for emotional reasons that movie just cuts deep for me and makes me deeply sad and uncomfortable and it genuinely horrified me back then

who is the greatest horror movie badass bitch?

queen akasha from queen of the damned like i dont care.... its always been her for me i know theres many more and they popped into my head but shes soooo iconic and badass! another that came to mind was erin from youre next and ellen ripley from alien and laurie strode from halloween.. but id have to shoutout like 80 more badass horror women to feel satisfied right now so im gonna leave it at that <3

favorite horror movie?

i am constantly fighting myself on this one but i think its officially the lost boys :) im comfortable saying that no matter what because of the sheer amount of love i have for it and how many times ive seen it and the fact i own 3 copies of it on physical media now

favorite type of horror movie monster?

ohhh you know.... vampire forever and always <333

most shocking ending to a horror film?

okay im going to mention many again because i cant control myself everrr... so saw (2004) still hits... the others (2001).. a tale of two sisters (2003) and lake mungo (2008) < all kind of plot twist movies but theres also inside (2007), excision (2012), and audition (1999) which are endings you can mostly see coming or somewhat expect but arent any less shocking or upsetting!

favorite horror tropes/cliches?

oooh soo many honestly. gotta love tropes and cliches of a genre that is most beloved to you! im definitely going to leave some out because theres so many effective and great ones like an easy one could be the final girl or weird girl and another could be creepy music swelling to signify that something is about to go wrong or tricking you into being wary of that or the scare that you wait for but it never comes/the fake-out, fear of the unknown like things shrouded in darkness or things that arent visible to the naked eye or something, the "one last scare" trope where the killer or whoever comes back for one last scare, or the twist of "it was actually this other thing/situation all along!"which isnt always effective or interesting but great when it is and is original... but a few lesser known or used fun ones im thinking of are weird/creepy/fucked up twins, losing a limb and replacing it with some kind of weapon, also technology is the mind killer and will actually kill you!

can you recommend me a horror film?

bliss (2019) or the pit and the pendulum (1961) or black sunday (1960) or phantom of the paradise (1974) ^_^ hopefully theres one in there you havent seen hehe

[skinni-girls-eat-books]

Tuesday, March 5th, 2024!

1:07am: Just going to keep journaling so I don't go insane. My ex keeps jerking me around and I can't continue to care. He's so wrapped up in his own emotion, he will never be capable of actually being a good friend. He never asks if I'm ok or tries to make casual conversation, it's just all about him and his constant state of drama. I just can't relate to him anymore and I can't continue on the way I've been trying to. There's literally not much I can control or change about this situation, I can only be responsible for how I react to it I guess.

On another note, I finished my laundry! Tomorrow I will get up, take a shower, shaving is not necessary I just need to clean myself so literally no pressure. Drink some water, take my vitamin, hang out with my cats. Probably take a tums bc my farts are DEADLY rn and I don't know why RIP. If I do shave it would probably just be my coochie tbh. Some light weed whacking lmao. If I keep farting like rotten eggs I'm definitely not making any man plans tomorrow 🤣 I cantttttt haha

I think tomorrow I might clean out my closet now that it's clean?? There's so many items I never wear tbh. Maybe shave up to my knees and get a pedicure?? Maybe go on FB marketplace or thrift for some nightstand things or some dollar tree cubbies for this stuff I've had on the floor forever. I just randomly remembered my coats are in my trunk and I feel like I'm gonna forget where they are. Maybe return those things to the library omg and go to bath n body works and get real deodorant and laundry detergent

So many thoughts going through my mind omg I just had diarrhea while writing this 😭 please go away tummy problems. I wonder if it was me pounding tajin with my margarita I literally don't know.

I need to figure out where I wanna take myself out to before the show tomorrow! Aaaaa so many possibilities!! This week has already been so perfect and it's not over yet! I love my life! It's so crazy to love my life after going through so much trauma but here I am, stronger than ever!! :) I'm so proud of myself ❤️

8:57am: Nah tell me why I got on tinder this morning (early bird 🤣) and damn these guys are just ehh. Idk how tf I'm ever gonna take any of them seriously again. I'm just pretty hardened after everything, not really in a bad way, but in a needed way if you ask me. I feel like I don't know what I'm looking for lol I feel like if you know what you're looking for, you go out and pursue it?? But idk so it's more challenging. Tbh I just want to have fun like I'm in my fboi era fr. Curving dudes when they get serious n shit 💀

9:40am: ok time to get up lmao. I'll find a guy eventually so actually no rush 🤣 I got my two little furry boys and that's what really matters. I want to get all gussied up today just bc I can. Lil man bawling his eyes out not being able to speak to me anymore bc he knows he fucked up is a crazy way to live. Having to live with the guilt of cheating on someone.... Couldn't be me 🙄😂

I get to continue my life knowing that I'm a bomb af gf and anyone would be damn lucky to have me (once they get to know me!) if I don't meet people then they'll never know! I got ppl who don't even speak English wanting another date fr.

11:02pm: I'm just gonna keep shooting my shot until something sticks I think. I really do believe it's a numbers game anymore, if you talk to 0 ppl or put all your eggs into 1 basket likeeee you're not going to get far and it's gonna take 500 years, 100 years to even get a date at that rate. I wanna be like that girl who went on what 50 dates in a year?? Like go off queen 💅 at least you'll have 50 stories to tell if nothing else haha, plus I need the practice ong.

I like the journaling instead of trying to text him, it's so much better. N+T were right, he just needs to learn his lesson, that's so sad your friend literally had to say that about his best man like if my MOH turned out to be a flaming bag of shit like how embarrassing (for the POS) and seriously sad and fucked up :( .

[lemonsbakery]

23, 28, and 30 for the music asks :3

AWHHAWEBFGDHBJRN THANK YOU SO MUCH I LOVE. MSUCIVFBGRFERJHTEREGEAEHEBE SQUEAKS

okok 23 (A song that you think everybody should listen to)

I love this song sm, it feels almost nostalgic to me. The song can be interpreted in many different ways, but if you actually look into the lyrics you'll find that the song is themed around appreciating life and having control over what happens in your life. I think everyone needs a song like this every now and then plUS ITS SUCH A GOOD SONG AYWYEAAWH

28 (A song by an artist with a voice that you love)

JHPLYL SHIT ok so I was debating on putting either mitski beetlebug or marina and I ended up going with hop along queen ansleis bc HOLY SHIT the way the singer sings their song is so HEART WRENCHING in a good way it gets the emotions of the song out PERFECTLY and in this song specifically everything feels so intense yet unsettlingly upbeat and its the coolest thing ever holy fuck i LOVE IT THE SCREAMING ADN THE LYRICS AUUAAAAA I LOVE THIS SONG SO MUCH

aand lastly 30 (A song that reminds you of yourself)

i can go on abt this for a while. So first of all I've known this song for YEARS so i automatically resonate with it, second of all, I sometimes have this overwhelming urge to hop into someones mind to understand who they are and how they view me. I sometimes fear that I am making someone uncomfortable or that I am overwhelming someone but I have no way of telling so it makes me want to rip my hair out and take a peek into said persons mind so that I can figure out if they're really okay with my presence or not (/NAV BTW AYGH THAT SOUNDED SO BAD I PROMISE IM NOT. VENTING I SWEAR/GEN) Also, as far as I know this song is abt wanting to show affection to a loved one in an anonymous way. I LOVE showing affection to people I hold dear to me and i'd love to eliminate any sort of sadness that my close friends are feeling. It makes me want to crawl into their heads and pluck out any sort of sadness but I wouldnt want to have them know that im fucking around w/their head to make them feel better bc that's like. SCARY. ok that one was long yikes forevers

[newcomers6]

writes a letter. Dear @taylorswift It's been a long time since I wrote my last letter. Moreover, I've never wrote for a superstar. Hope it doesn't look cheesy. Hi! It's me. I'm one of your fans. It's me. Yeah. I'm one of the millions of connoisseurs of your work worldwide. Maybe you'll never read the mention I made because it's drowning among the thousands of hardcore fans poking your account every second. But that's okay. It won't lessen my appreciation for your creativity. First thing first, thank you so much for the hundreds of beautiful pieces of music you’ve created. I'm grateful because fortune has brought your songs to my ears. You’re brilliant at mixing notes that float in your mind and pairing them with suitable lyrics. Even sometimes, the use of your diction which adds to the vocabulary in my lexicon, makes me even more proud to make you an epitome. You can write gorgeous songs. Whatever the mood of your song: happy, sad, depressed, disappointed, angry, or motivating, even though it’s not related to my current condition, it can still make the listeners plunge into emotions and experiences that are so real. One of your songs can make me feel trapped in a love triangle, being the bastard James who dares to cheat on Betty with another girl over the summer. Or another song that makes me feel like a girl who wants to be noticed by her boyfriend, who's a dozen years older. Or when you succeed in positioning me to be you when all the people judge you. Ah, that's a lot if I tell them all. Last but not least, my wishes to you, the queen of the music industry. Keep working. Keep making beautiful songs for us, your performance lovers. Don't mind what people say when 30 is the retirement of artists. All of your fans will continue to support you forever. We’ll keep playing your songs without getting bored. Because we believe that whatever your thoughts create is a masterpiece and deserves to be shared worldwide. My other little wish is that you may consider celebrating your latest album in my country, Indonesia. Just know that many swifties here want to shake it off with you on stage. Faithfully yours, A. A. Mono #30hbc2321 #30hbc23dear @30haribercerita 📧 https://www.instagram.com/p/CnqgWe-p2D5/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

[irish-urn]

I can't believe you actually managed to come up with his full life story when all I got was ~vibes~. Because basically all I did was find lyrics that spoke to me and kinda internally rolled around and wept inside. So...

the 1: Basically everything you said about Sally. Like. Yeah, I think he and Casey are gonna live forever and be happy, but she was his first love and I think there's a small part of him that wonders... you know the greatest films of all time were never made (Look, Derek as a film buff WONDERS about all the movies that have never been made) And if you never bleed, you’re never gonna grow (and it’s alright now) (I think he tells himself this when he aches, and when he looks back at his life) You know the greatest loves of all time are over now If one thing had been different / would everything be different today? In my defense, I have none / for digging up the grave another time (THIS. IS. DEREK. He just... keeps poking??? The same bruise???)

cardigan: You were far more eloquent than I about this song. That being said... When you are young, they assume you know nothing ‘Cause I knew everything when I was young (THIS. IS. SO. DEREK. Everyone thinks he's stupid and immature and doesn't get it, but he knows SO MUCH MORE than anyone (but Marti (and eventually Casey)) give him credit for) A friend to all is a friend to none (something I think Derek knows, but hasn't accepted yet)

the last great american dynasty: he’s a party king, dude. What can I say? I had a marvelous time ruining everything (that being said, this is Derek to a T.)

exile (feat: bon iver): UM. EVERYTHING??? I think I’ve seen this film before / and i didn’t like the ending Those eyes had insult to injury (this is just... so what Derek does. Glare from the corner because he's the injured party) I’m not your problem anymore / So who am i offending now? (honestly, I think he sneers this to his mom, George, Felicia, and anyone else who writes him off)

mirrorball: *weeps* And when I break, it’s in a million pieces (OUCH) I can change everything about me to fit in (double-ouch) I'm still on that tightrope / I'm still trying everything to get you laughing at me (reminds me of that line about Derek as a child always trying to make people laugh...) And I'm still a believer, but I don't know why (Derek is SUCH a romantic, even though it doesn't make any sense) I've never been a natural, all I do is try, try, try (*weeping intensifies*) I'm still on that trapeze/ I'm still trying everything to keep you looking at me (Gotta give the people something to look at)

seven: look, I know you said Derek&Edwin, but this also gave me massive smerek&smarti vibes. Love you to the Moon and to Saturn (Because it wouldn't be them if they didn't do a twist on the usual "moon and back". That's boring. No, they're going all the way to Saturn) Your dad is always mad and that must be why (honestly, the biggest divorce vibes...) And I think you should come live with me / And we can be pirates / Then you won't have to cry / Or hide in the closet (look, you talked about Edwin and Derek playing pirates, but he definitely played with Marti too)

august: this gives me tragic!dasey vibes… Like. "sick with sadness" kind of vibes. You're right: Derek IS august. ‘Cause you were never mine Wanting was enough / for me it was enough Back when i was living for the hope of it all

this is me trying: OUCH So i got wasted like all my potential (um. First year at Queen's anyone...?) And my words shoot to kill when I’m mad (THIS.) At least I’m trying (HE TRIES SO HARD)

invisible string: Dasey *cries And isn’t it just so pretty to think / All along there was some / invisible string / tying you to me Time, mystical time / cutting me open then healing me fine Hell was the journey but it brought me heaven

betty: *sighs* This is just... such a teenage boy with too many feelings who does stupid things because he doesn't understand love and is clumsy with emotions and... Yeah. That's Derek. The worst thing that i ever did / was what i did to you I’m only seventeen / i don’t know anything Will you have me / Will you love me?

peace: just Dasey vibes But i’m a fire and i’ll keep your brittle heart warm (Derek doesn't have any chill. He and Casey are a bonfire) All these people think love’s for show / but i would die for you in secret (I just... *weeps*) And you know that I'd swing with you for the fences / Sit with you in the trenches (Because he's loyal. He's so, so loyal...)

Alright you, I am totally willing to chat with you about Derek Venturi's vibe being "folklore" by Taylor Swift. I'm gonna end up listening to that album again this weekend while thinking about him, my favourite blorbo, and internally screaming while I work retail; and I both blame AND thank thee.

Okay, yes, because here's the thing: folklore is an album full of contradictions and really fucking confusing plotlines and self doubt while simultaneously believing in oneself above all else and that is Derek Venturi to a t. (He's also Midnights but that's a conversation for another day.) Please add your thoughts to this somewhat comprehensible thing I wrote about this!

Literally ever since the thought came to me all I have been able to think is Derek being every song and I have ✨thoughts✨ on it.

the 1: alright, look, Derek is aware that people *think* he's cool. But the thing is, he's had two serious relationships in his entire life. Sally was cool, he thinks he loved her, in the fearless way someone loves when they're sixteen and might have had feelings for their stepsister at the same time. Being with Sally was cool, but he knew it never would've worked out long term because... *vaguely hand gestures to his brain, which must be at least 20% Casey.* It's not that Derek regrets being with and loving Sally, he's just aware it wasn't forever and was never meant to be. He always felt like he had to be better around her, to be a version of himself that didn't prank Casey and start wars with the football team (even though, hello, they're football players, Sally, they totally deserve it! Max is annoying and an ass and not a good partner to Casey and football is a terrible sport that only narcissistic egomaniacs who should be spouting the Star Spangled fucking Banner play), a version of himself that was soft and kind and just not Derek. He can be those things, but not all the time. His love language is fond insults.

cardigan: this one is how he feels a lot of the time. As a society, we've acknowledged this is a song about being used when someone needs something but not actually being what they need or want. That's how Derek feels. He's a god amongst men, alright, and that comes with people wanting him for something or another constantly. Do they care about him? Not really, but don't they do a damn good job of pretending? It's almost convincing. Just like the song.

the last great american dynasty: is he a woman named Rebekah living in Rhode Island after the death of her first husband? No, not to his knowledge. Does he fit the vibe of someone who decides that fuck it, he's going to spend the rest of his life doing a bunch of random hijinks with his friends and Casey and their pack of kids? Of course. That's literally Derek. He has dyed a dog key lime green (Casey didn't find it nearly as amusing as Derek and Molly did, because she is lame and needs to expand her horizons), he has decided to pace rocks just to look insane and aesthetic and he's certainly made questionable gambling decisions (hence Sky's conception. Use a condom, kids.)

exile: do you know how long this man spent pining after Casey?? If we take LWL into effect, it's twenty four years! And in those 24 years, Casey was never single longer than nine or ten months (because she's Casey and loves long term relationships and all the bullshit that comes with them because she's never done anything casually. Except the one time they fucked and he ran away to Paris and they never spoke of it again), which meant Derek had to watch her fall in love, over and over again, with different terrible men! Really, what was she thinking? A football captain, a douchebag who rated her (and only thought she was a six and a half, as if Derek would ever obsess over a six and a half! It's insulting), a guy who didn't have a personality and a neglectful husband have been her choices. He has to watch, from the sidelines, because she doesn't let him in after everything happened, after the fight and the sex and the avoidance. All he is to her is a stepbrother she once hooked up with. Nothing more. Meanwhile, his heart cracks every time he sees her and Peter on Facebook.

my tears ricochet: specifically the first verse is giving Derek vibes to me. He knows he can bring out every side of people effortlessly, he can read them like a book because Derek is so smart, it's just people smart! It's why he knows that he has to try and be the greatest (not that it takes much effort, but it's difficult some days) to get any attention, to get love from his parents and his family and everyone around him. Because everyone loves him conditionally and Derek is barely holding himself together. Scotch tape doesn't fix everything. But c'mon, Marti, Simon and Sky are the only people who have loved him without conditions, without terms of service. What else is he supposed to believe? That he's suddenly lovable and perfect and doesn't need to put in any effort ever because he's not a fuck up? That would erase literal decades of George, Abby and Nora's parenting.

seven: being a kid is fucking great, man. Even a kid whose parents don't like him, who make him feel like a fuck up because he had to repeat the first grade (look, alright, it's hard to focus and his brain won't because Derek is broken and he's aware. Moving on), a kid who tries so hard and never gets acknowledgement. And then his parents have Edwin! Just because! Edwin is planned, he's wanted, he's everything Derek isn't. But when Derek is seven, George and Nora start fighting more. He takes Ed (who's two) and they hide out in the backyard, in a shitty treehouse that'll probably result in a broken bone one day, playing pirates until Edwin falls asleep or the yelling stops, whichever comes first. Because being seven is also impossible. It's great in hindsight, but at the time? God, it sucks. He romanticizes it until he remembers having to scream so loud the neighbors thought something was wrong so George and Abby would stop fighting, remembers the time he broke his arm on the slide because they wouldn't get outside and play so he went first and they didn't even notice until three days later because they were in such an intense fight. Being seven was the best and worst of times and sometimes, Derek thinks it was his peak. In a weird competition, his parents would always try to shower him with love right after a fight. It didn't add up, but whatever, who is he to judge?

august: Derek is August. I need this to be known; he's the one waiting on a call, who desperately wants to get it and knows he won't. Casey won't call, she'll never call, because they fucked everything up, hooking up. He saw it clear as day on her face the morning after, it's why he went to fucking Paris. And honestly, he's never really a first choice, is he? He's always the backup guy, the guy who you drag out for looks but don't actually love. You'll pretend to, and you'll do a good job, but no one actually does and that's okay.

this is me trying: he tries, alright? It may not seem like it, with Derek being a solid D+ student, but he tries. So hard. It's not his fault that his fucking brain won't cooperate and he can't learn the useless stuff. Give him a hockey stick, he'll be so good you'll forget all about your problems, but don't make him do school. He hates it. The only topics he can learn about are the ones he's obsessed with (mythology, film, music, the history of video games that one summer, the bodice rippers Casey keeps under her pillow, Casey as a whole entity (this is entirely against his will. Believe him, his life would be so much easier if he didn't know so much about Casey and feel so much about her he cannot breathe and he can't talk about it so it just sits there, being a crushing weight on him because she is inconvenient! And annoying and the absolute worst!), hockey, all of Marti and Simon's interests, etc) and five paragraph essays do not fit that. But then there's the fact he practically is a parent to Marti, doing all the emotional and physical labor of one most of the time. He tries so hard to not fuck her up because he loves her so much. Ed's cool and he loves him, but Smarti's different, okay? When Derek met Edwin, he sort of just shrugged, loved the kid and failed to get him into anything cool. When he met Marti, Abby told him he'd be taking on responsibility and Derek took that seriously. He's uncharacteristically responsible with her. Marti is the fucking best. Derek tries so hard to not be obsessed with Casey, even though it feels like she's in his fucking bloodstream, she's running through him, she's a goddamn part of him and sometimes he wants to crawl inside of her skin and live there, because he knows she can't feel the same. Casey doesn't love him. Casey doesn't even like him! So he pranks her and grins and throws a fit when she dates Sam (which, seriously Sam? What a fucking betrayal, dude. The male code! It's a real thing and definitely not something he just pulled out of his ass so you wouldn't date his annoying and hot stepsister) and eventually tries to be a decent person because, for some reason, she doesn't give up on him. It's sickening.

illicit affairs: before Casey finalized her divorce with Peter, there was (shh, it's a secret, don't tell the family) an affair happening in her house. Take two guesses as to who it was. Derek and Casey? Brilliant. Yeah, it's an affair, and it makes Derek feel dirty, like all he's good for is being a secret boy toy, but he loves her so much that he'll take whatever she's giving, even if it's just bare scraps. Derek will break himself in half to help her, to make Casey feel better, and if being her mistress is how he does it, then it'll be fine. He won't panic about their future once her divorce is finalized at all.

invisible string: there is only one explanation for why Derek's felt so drawn to Casey since he first met her. She had a schoolgirl uniform on. Is it his kink? No, not particularly, but she's a hot girl in a schoolgirl uniform. He's not blind! But also, he met her and something in his brain lit up, some part he'd never known was there before, some part that made him want to be around her all of the time for some inexplicable reason. She's infected him like a cancer. It's evil. He loves it. There's something dragging them together constantly, and at his age of 38 (please don't mention it, he's coping poorly), he can admit it might be fate or the universe or whatever. Derek loves Casey and she loves him back. Has for decades, apparently. They should've pulled their heads out of their asses so much sooner, because they're in love and it's great and they go do all the cute coupley shit Derek used to swear he'd never do but in his defense: it's Casey and she lights up doing that bullshit and Derek is a total marshmallow when it comes to her. She even gets to steal his food! And watch her terrible reality shows during hockey games! This whole love thing has turned him into a disgusting sap of a person. Shoot him, please. He begs.

mad woman: Derek's spent enough time around women (Casey especially) to understand they are complex creatures. He'll never fully understand them, but he can try to. They get mad at... A lot, honestly, being a woman must be exhausting (Casey and Marti are constantly feeling things so deeply it's painful) and sometimes it's each other? He's not quite sure, but he knows they're mad. And when they are, do not mess with them. Even Casey, who is stupid hot when mad. The world is against women, apparently, so they get mad at that and the fact they have to pay for tampons (Derek ends up buying them, do not make it a thing) and having it be inferred they're just fucking insane. Which, to be fair, they are! Casey especially! But yeah, it's gotta be annoying, so he's trying to empathize and be feminist and other bullshit that Skyler has bullied him into.

epiphany: so here's the problem: Derek is aware he's had a pretty decent life, all things considered. No massive traumas, nothing a therapist should see him for. Still, he can't help but feel sometimes like there's a war being waged between his brain and the Canadian education system. It's fucking insane! School just doesn't work and Derek is broken because he doesn't get it, he doesn't understand, everything feels violent and he can't cope. Hence hockey, where he can hit things and people with sticks! Hockey is great! It's bloody and gorey and everything else Casey hates.

betty: oh boy. This one's a doozy. But it's not Derek's fault, he will maintain, that he accidentally pissed Casey off so much she won't talk to him. He made one joke about her divorce (which wasn't even that bad! The kids laughed! Simon laughed! Casey is the only one who didn't) and now she's stormed off and won't talk to him so obviously Derek needs to apologize. He hates apologies; they're lame and suck all the fun out of everything and they are the worst! But he does, and god, does he hope that it'll be enough for him to apologize by playing her a song he wrote and talking about his (ugh) feelings for her to kiss him in front of the kids and their parents and admit this is what she wants. Because this thing between them has always been on her terms, he's just along for the ride, but he'd really like to be with her forever.

peace: one of the few cons of being as amazing as Derek is that he doesn't get any privacy half the time. Neither do his romantic partners, as a result. He's aware of this and it's part of why he doesn't date anymore; it's too hard to find someone willing to deal with all of it. Once he and Casey officially get together, one of Derek's biggest fears is that she's going to realize he's not worth it. Because she'll never have a quiet, peaceful life that Casey deserves, not being with him. Everything will be an article and it's going to suck and Derek loves her. Will she be okay without getting that peace? He'd get it if she wasn't; it's okay, he won't hold it against her. She'll never get to live a normal life with him. When she tells him she'd rather insane with anyone else than normal with him, he may or may not shed a tear or two. Because he's not worth that, he isn't even close to worth the chaos that'll come with it, but Casey thinks he is for some reason, so Derek will keep trying to prove to her that he is. Every day for the rest of his goddamn life.

hoax: when love feels conditional and faithless, it's essentially a massive hoax. Derek doesn't believe in a love that'll exist with unwavering loyalty and faith and trust. It's not for him. Maybe for other people, but he doesn't get that. Everyone's love for him is a fake, a pretend, and Derek is great at pretending he doesn't know it. Love is bullshit, the kind they talk about in the movies. That doesn't exist for people like Derek. It exists for Marti and Casey and Edwin and Lizzie and Nora and George and hell, Abby and Dennis, but not for Derek. He's not wired to receive it. And he'll believe they all love him endlessly to go to sleep at night, waking up knowing it's a lie.

the lakes: sometimes, a man wants peace and quiet. He wants to go to an abandoned lake, write songs with his girlfriend, let the kids play and do whatever the fuck Luca and Sky do (he thinks Luca has a boyfriend?? It's confusing. He FaceTimes him a lot) and avoid people forever. And then Derek remembers how much he hates camping because urban hell scapes are his favorite thing, shrugs, and proceeds to overromanticize small New England towns until he goes to one. Let him have his fun, he's an artist. This is his muse.

[margalitarry]

dorothea | c.b

~❦~❦~❦~❦~❦~❦~❦~

ooh, you're a queen

selling dreams

selling make up and magazines

ooh, from you i’d buy anything

colby brock x reader

warnings : depression, mentions of suicidal thoughts, mention of drugs (xanax)

word count : 1.4k

notes : i love writing emotional fics so much omg. inspired by taylor swifts song, dorothea. you and colby were best friends (aka both def crush on each other but whatevz) and you decide to pick up the unknown call

~❦~❦~❦~❦~❦~❦~❦~

colby scrolled through his instagram feed, feeling like every photo was you. last night had been the release of your highly anticipated album, and he had of course listened to it.

you and colby had met when he first moved to LA with sam. you were one of the first people he had met and you both immediately clicked. you easily fell into his patterns and hung out nearly everyday. you helped him and sam film videos for their channel, and he helped you with pursing a music career.

everything was fine until you had released your first album. it was incredibly successful, you had even won a grammy award. you began to travel not only all over america, but the world for interviews, tour, photo shoots, and everything else in between. it was an extremely difficult change and even more difficult to balance your relationships.

at first you insisted on calling colby at any and every moment you could. even if it was for a few minutes, talking to him helped your nerves. but as the months went on you had begun getting depressed, withdrawing yourself from not only colby but many of your other friends. you felt you only had time for your career, and if you weren’t asleep you always had something or somewhere to be.

colby was never mad at you for calling less and was extremely understanding. he just wanted you to be happy, and he believed that at that time you were happier with whatever you had been doing. he couldn’t deny one thing though; having to find out bits of your life through the news made him extremely sad.

it was almost 4 in the morning when you had gotten home from your release party, which you didn’t even want to go to. you had tried to leave multiple times but your manager insisted you should stay. you groaned when your phone began to ring, expecting your manager to update you on some statistic you couldn’t care about.

‘no caller id’

you didn’t know what came over you, because technically you weren’t supposed to pick up a call you didn’t know. especially without a caller id. it could be a fan who somehow got your number, but you picked it up.

“hello?” you said after picking up the call.

“hey hello? y/n?” an extremely familiar voice replied, letting your stomach drop at the thought of who it could be.

“colby brock? are you seriously calling me right now?” you asked, excitement and anxiety running through your voice.

“yeah, yeah it’s me! how are you doing? it’s been forever i feel like.”

“i’m okay, really tired right now. i just got to my hotel room after being out all night at the listening party for my album. how are you?”

“i’m good, your album is amazing by the way. sam and i listened to it when it dropped. are you in la?”

you almost felt guilty talking to him right now, it felt like nothing had happened and just like the years together before but something wasn’t right. it didn’t feel the same.

“no, i honestly wish. i’m in new york right now, i have a show at madison square garden tomorrow night.” you told him.

“oh damn! you’re just selling dreams and everything now. i’m really proud of you, holy shit!” colby exclaimed, he couldn’t believe you had picked up his call. but he could hear a dullness in your voice that wasn’t there before.

“thank you” you lightly laughed

“are you seriously doing okay though? you sound a little more than just tired y/n.” colby asked, not beating around the bush. if he felt something was wrong he wanted to know.

his question took you aback; although you expected him to say something along those lines. you didn’t know how to answer, because truthfully you didn’t know how you were feeling. you were filled with joy from the overwhelming support, but you desperately missed your old life.

“y/n? hello?” colby said, pulling you from your thoughts of your emotions.

“uh- yeah. i mean no, but it’s not like bad. it’s not amazing either- but- i don’t know really.” you answered, best you could.

“what’s up? just talk to me, you’re good.”

“i just really fucking miss my life before all of this, whenever i just sat and edited your guys’ videos for hours a day. when we were younger down at the parks. whenever we would be together all of the time. all of you even. obviously you more- but whatever i just miss it all.”

“i don’t want to live this life anymore” you whispered, focusing your eyes on a bottle of xanax for a spilt second.

colby felt a more of a relief than he did sympathy in that moment. you were finally opening up to him after almost a year and a half. but he also couldn't help feel helpless for you.

“i’m sorry, but there’s definitely a way to balance everything. i know you have so much going on, but you’ve gotta be able to take yourself back and out of certain situations. standing up for yourself” colby said, still in disbelief he was having this conversation.

"i know but it's just after my first album it's been absolutely nonstop, i haven't had longer than a day to just do nothing. i don't know when that's gonna end."

"you have more people who want to help you than those who want to see you fail. you cant keep these things hidden, it doesn't help anyone."

"i'm sorry" you said

"nothing that's happened to you is your fault, don't be sorry for your emotions. especially with me, we're way past that point."

you weren’t sure if that was something you needed to hear, or if it was just because colby was saying it, but it encouraged you to make a spur of the moment decision.

“what if you came to new york for my show tomorrow? if you have nothing going on obviously, i’d pay for everything. and if you want too.”

colby’s jaw dropped even though you couldn’t see it. he didn’t have anything going on for the next four days, and couldn’t have been more thankful not too.

“i have nothing going on the next four days actually”

“are you serious? please say you’ll come.”

“of course i will!”

you immediately opened you laptop and looked at flights from lax to jfk, your heart breathing through your chest.

“ do you think you can be ready in five hours?” you asked him, wanting to suddenly see him extremely badly.

“are you kidding? yeah i can be, definitely. whatever you want.”

as the word ‘yeah’ came out of his mouth you booked the tickets as fast as you could, sending him the email confirmation. you couldn’t really process what you had just done fully. you also didn’t realize it at the moment but you had still had his email perfectly memorized.

“i just sent you the email, i’m so excited fuck!”

“i’m really excited to see you y/n. i feel i’ve only seen you on screens the last year.”

colby saying that so nonchalantly made you more upset that you would've liked to feel, but it had almost been an hour since he first called and you were very tired.

“i’m gonna try to sleep before you come, i’ll text you in a few hours. actually wait- do you have a new cell? it showed up no caller id.”

“it’s the same as it’s always been, not sure why. but okay get some rest, i’ll see you soon.”

“see you soon” you said before hanging up the call.

you stood up and walked over to the counter that the bottle of xanax held, tearing up staring at the bottle. you proceeded to take them into the bathroom and flush them all down the toilet before going back to bed.

all you could think about was you fully laid down was how you were pretty sure colby had just saved your life.

colby couldn't have been more relieved as he called sam letting him know he'd be in new york for the weekend.

[nighttimewrighter]

My Dearest, Oh My Dearest Child

Thomas Shelby x fem!Reader

Summary: A sad story with actually no real plot, just felt like it. Reader and Thomas had a stillborn baby and now have to deal with their loss, blaiming themselves (This fic is in no way meant to shame who ever had this happen to them, it is purly fiction if you know someone or who had to go trough this or maybe you had to go through something like that yourself, you have my condolences and I wish you the absolute best in your future babes. ❤❤)

Warnings: As just mentiond above, a stillborn baby, so death of an infant (Nothing is described in anyway) just a short reminder that english isn´t my native language

MY SHELBY BOYS MASTERLIST

The Rain was dazzling down on the rooftop as (Y/N) sat in the armchair. 

Staring into the burning fire right in front of her. 

It was so unbearably hot but so shivering cold at the same time.

She didn´t know what to do anymore. 

Just don´t leave me...please just don´t leave me!

She didn´t even try to make any noise as she heard the front door cracking open. 

What good would it do her? No one could bring her back.

Just stay forever...I beg you! Stay, don´t leave me!

“(Y/N)” She would normally have heard. But this day? Nothing. 

He just silently stood in the hallway. Eyes dull just like hers. Their faces drawn of any colour and emotion. 

Oh God had she cried. But all of those tears had dried up long ago. 

Leaving the bitterness of the salty taste for her to endure as the only cruel reminder of her sad reality. If she would have been able to feel it, it would have made her furious.

They both knew who was to blame.

 And it hurt him, it hurt him so much. He knew she was right, he couldn´t even be angry with her. 

And it hurt her, it hurt her so much. She knew he was right, she couldn´t even be angry with him. 

He had cried as well, he had seen her and she had seen him.

They both had cried. 

But not out of happiness as they actually should have had on this oh so wonderful day. No. They had to stare at the innocent live lost, how unbearable. 

And she knew who was to blame. 

And he knew who was to blame.

They once had promised each other,

 until the world falls apart we´ll dance upon rubble and ashes, forever together. She had promised to be true to him in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health. He had promised he´d love and honour her all the days of his life.

And here there were now, in bad times and sickness, love and honourless.

Just sitting there, being shells of themselves. 

(Y/N) silently looked at the prominent wedding ring on her finger. It sat there, silently mocking her with all of its glamour and innocent purity. It reminded her of better times.

 Oh how happy she had felt! The Queen of Small Heath!

She had risen from ruins, she had defeated cruel fate! 

The King of Small Heath had chosen her!

He had actually chosen her to marry him! To spend all of eternity by his side!

 Oh how happy she had been! Ignoring all the warning signs. 

She marched up into this life of cruelty and she had just sat there. In her golden Palace, ignoring the ones suffering for her to have what she had. 

She truly was a selfish witch!

Oh God had she been deaf and blind to all of it. And now God punished her for it. 

Oh how happy he had been! 

Having the sweetest, the kindest the most beautiful, the smartest and the most loyal of all standing by his side. 

The true Queen of Small Heath.

And now God punished her for getting married to the Devil himself. To him. He truly was one selfish Arshole!

He had taken so many lives. So many lives of Fathers and sons. It was only fair!  But why did it have to be her? Why had he been so blind!? 

Oh, how he hated himself for being the one to do this to her.

Oh, how she hated herself for being the one to do this to him.

Silent tears ran down her icy cheekbones again, as she looked back into the fire. 

Face as expressionless as cobblestone. 

Her Immortal soul would never be pure again. And it had been all his fault! The Devil corrupted her with his frivolous ways. And he knew what people called him, and he began to think it was true.

And now she had to pay! She had tired eyes...tired hands. Seeing so much sin through all of the cigarette smoke and shed blood.

No one would come to save her now, would they?

In the days without laughter

Between passion and pain

When we make a thousand mistakes

Our hearts will turn to stone

Maybe it was better that way. No angle deserved to walk upon a world with monsters. Just like her father was.

He spoiled it, she was deaf and blind! Chained to the weights that were her dreams.

They had long been immune to the plagues of doubt.

They forgot, they had lost now

They had lost the one thing special to them.

The only thing that would ever be worth more than life itself to both of them.

(Y/N) had rather died herself that day and to be honest? A big part of her did. A part of her will do so for the rest of her life. The rest of her life as only a third of what she was used to be.

But just upon touching her, she had known. Angels weren’t meant for a world like this.

The Angels will rise, they will rise and return home.

And she was no angel, she would never be.

And he was no angel, he would never be.

But she had been. Their daughter had been.

What were they to do? They wanted their child back. But all was gone now!

She didn´t love him anymore, right? He took her baby from her.

He didn´t love her anymore, right? She took his baby from him.

Silently stepping closer, Thomas finally reached her armchair. 

He stood right there, right beside her… But it still felt like he was miles away.

“(Y/N)”

It had been such a silent, such a fragile whisper, so soft, but she still had heard it.

 And it pained her so deeply...they would never hear their daughters voice.

“(Y/N)” He called out again. Stretching out his arm, to softly lay his hand on her shoulder.

“Thomas” She silently answered as she looked him in the face, for the first time in days.

“Oh (Y/N)” 

“Oh Thomas!”

Quickly reacting, he bent down to her height, wrapping his arms around her. She nuzzled her head into the crave of his neck.

“I am so sorry!” 

And there they sat, softly sobbing into each other’s bodies. 

Both realising what they had lost. 

Both realising that they had lost their daughter.

Never to hear her first words, see her first smile, see her beautiful eyes shining on her birthday, witnessing her first love, witnessing her wicked shelbyness… They had lost a part of themselves. 

They would never know whose looks she got. They would never know whose character she got. 

She would never be. 

Because she was too good for them. 

She was an angel never meant for this world. Never meant for them. 

They never had deserved. That, they were both sure of.

And (Y/N) had it all written down in the most beautiful letter she had ever written. 

For her special child. For her baby. For her oh so dear, dearest child she never got to meet.

...My dearest, oh my dearest child. I will never forget you, never not love you. Oh please forgive my faults, my mistakes. Oh please oh please just give me one smile. Take me with you...

[the-broken-truth]

I demand a part 4 on yandere!Hera having a son

Note: [Y/N] is known as the God of the Wild Beasts - able to turn into any wild or domesticated beast/tune into the soul of any animal on Earth.

[Mount Olympus - Many Years Later]

The God of the Wild Beasts slashed his claws at the King of Olympus, who knocked his hand away before throwing a punch himself, only for it to be blocked. Zeus and [Y/N] were sparring in the courtyard to let out the steam that boiled within both of them - ruling Olympus was hard enough for Zeus while his wife and eldest son of giving him a hard time and [Y/N] was a caged beast ready to strike due to his mother and brother bothering him.

The sound of footsteps made the two combatants freeze and look in the direction of the noise, only to see the God of War standing there with his helmet in his hands.

"Brother." Ares began.

"What could you possibly want, Ares?" [Y/N] asked with balled fists and narrowed eyes.

"I shall leave you both to speak, my son." Zeus placed his hand on his youngest son's shoulder before walking away to leave the room. [Y/N] put his claws before turning to face the elder brother he once looked up to walked closer to him, towering over him and looking into his [E/C] eyes with his crimson eyes.

"What do you want?" [Y/N] growled.

"Keep your fangs sealed, Younger Brother. I am not here to harm you or Father." Ares said, "I am here on mother's behalf - she's been sending you messages to meet her but you have not sent her a reply yet."

"That's because I want nothing to do with her or you for that matter."

"Brother, we are the True Heirs of Olympus, you wouldn't be kind to Father's Bastards." Ares tried.

"Those 'bastards' are my brothers and I have no interest in leaving them because you and mother have an issue with them. If you want to blame someone, blame our father for being unfaithful but don't blame them for being born; they have done nothing wrong but you treat them so horrible." [Y/N] said as he looked into his brother's angry eyes.

"Why can't you listen?" Ares asked.

"Why can't you leave me alone?" [Y/N] reversed.

"Because you are my son and mine alone."

The voice of Hera caused the brothers to look up and watched as the Queen of the Gods floated down them with ravens circling around her. Her bare feet touched the stone as she slowly walked over to her son.

"[Y/N], come with me. This is not the place for you." She reached up and placed her hand on his cheek, caressing it softly, "Your place is with me and Ares, my little lamb. Come home with me and let me aid you again." Hera tried but she gasped as her youngest son knocked her hand off his face.

"I don't want anything to do with you, Hera."

*SLAP*

[Y/N]'s eyes widened as he felt his face slice open and the warm feeling of blood running down his cheek. He stood up with wide eyes and slowly reached up, his fingertips touched the wet flow coming from the cut on his face - his mother had scarred his face. He looked at her shocked expression with a glare.

"My Lamb... I am..." She reached for him but he stepped away from her with his hand against his new scar, blood leaking from the cracks of his fingers and hurt mixed with anger in his eyes.

"My entire life, you have tried to make me depend on you, Mother; trying to hinder my progress into Godhood all because I'm the reminder of the love Father once had for you. You wanted to keep me small forever so that I would never leave you but you couldn't control time, you could stop my growth...as much as you wanted to. You were against me becoming God of the Wild Beasts when we discovered my gift and you were the only one who spoke out against Father's Wishes to make me divine." [Y/N] looked at his mother with a mixture of emotions in his eyes: sadness, anger, pain, and confusion, "Why Mother? Why couldn't you have let me grow the way I wanted to?" He questioned but was only met with silence. He turned away and began walking away from his mother and brother, who reached out for him, only to be stopped by the King of Olympus.

"Father..." Ares tried.

"Leave, both of you; you have upset him enough and now you have scarred my son's face." Zeus said as he looked at his son retreat into the temple, "You have hurt him more than any mother should have, Hera." Zeus turned away and walked after his son.

"I will get him back, Zeus." Hera called out, "He will stand with me in the end."

"I highly doubt that." Zeus walked into the temple and slammed the doors behind him before following the sobs of his heartbroken son - he needed comfort and he would do the one thing he's been trying to be since he was born, A Real Father.

[sophieswundergarten]

And Reynie knows Curtain will try and trap him in a lie!! But he’s still trying to protect his friends!! He’s so smart and clever in his engagement with Curtain, I love that boy.

I’m so sorry. There are so many witty and emotional and considerate ways to interpret the situation. But Curtain saying “Yes, it was the great tragedy of my life” just sent me over the edge this man is an idiot the drama queen—

“After all, Dr. Curtain, like Mr. Benedict, seemed to think that Reynie reminded him of himself at his age. If Dr. Curtain had been like him once, then he couldn’t be entirely bad.” Ooh, this kid and his overwhelming empathy. He has such high emotional intelligence, but (rightly), he has the maturity and life experience of a child, and that can be such a burden on him.

NO. NO NO NO NO NO NO NO. You did NOT just do this to me. STOP IT WITH THE DEVASTATING MEMORY GLIMPSES MY GOODNESS FRIEND.

The thing is, the thing is that Milligan is constantly placing himself at fault!! He keeps having these very nearly accurate snatches of his past life, and in each instance, he considers himself a failure both to those people he’s half remembering and the people in his present because he has forgotten those he used to love and feels incapable of helping them now. AND IT’S NOT HIS FAULT. HE FEELS SO BAD, AND HE’S DOING SO WELL. HE’S SO CLOSE. HE JUST CAN’T SEE IT AND HE WON’T ACCEPT THE REASSURANCE FROM HIS FAMILY.

I am so happy with the way that you described Curtain and S. Q.’s art time! The scene in the show feels so full of love and a lot lighter than the rest of those involving Curtain’s office, and you captured it really well!

Oh my word of dear oh, poor Garrison. I mean, she’s not actively scared of being around S. Q. anymore. BUT IT’S STILL SO SAD. SHE’S BASICALLY HIS AUNT AND THEY COULD HAVE HAD SUCH AN AWESOME RELATIONSHIP AND JUST SEEING THAT IT’S COME TO THIS IS MAKING ME WANT TO CRY AGAIN.

That fake, echoing conversation is such a perfect metaphor for their relationship: A misguided and hollow facsimile of what should be an engagement between two people who truly care about each other. Agh, it’s so SAD.

AND HE KNOWS. HE KNOWS AND IT HORRIFIES HIM. And he’s angry, which, of course, is basically his default emotional setting, but it’s also because he’s still grieving her. But he can’t ever really finish the process and let go, because he sees her nearly every day, and it’s just the whole mess of what’s become of the S.O.S. staring him in the face, over and over again.

“she had still found a way to mentally abandon him and leave him to carry the burden of the S.O.S.’s memory alone” Oh my goodness gracious, but he still views her as “the only person he [has] left”, aside from S. Q., who never really understood the situation in the first place.

Oh, and then, of course, Curtain is just a mess unto himself, with sort of still trying to be friends with Garrison but also being mean to her when she doesn’t respond in the “right” way. It’s so hard, because that’s definitely not okay and he should stop causing her such distress, but he doesn’t exactly mean it maliciously. He’s just too caught up and blinded by his own storm of emotions that he can’t see outside himself.

The way that she gauges his fake “friendship” is that he uses the word “brother”, ooh, and Curtain’s probably just trying to be honest, but he’s using friendship languages because he can’t seem to stop talking to her like that, this is awful.

NO. NO, NO WAY. WHY WOULD YOU RUIN THE “Nicky” SCENE IN THIS WAY. I AM FOREVER SCARRED. THIS IS TERRIBLE.

Oh, and then it ends. Another unsatisfying, unresolved, uncomfortable and totally hopeless conversation between two shells of bright young people who used to be able to rely on each other as friends. Okay, I’m going to go sob now.

I hate how S. Q.’s thoughts are probably slowly upticking in manipulation tactics, because while it isn’t intentional, it also isn’t quite the average teenager communication style. He’s learning to act and talk that way because of Curtain, and while it isn’t huge or malicious yet, even the slightest hint makes me cringe and read way too much into the line.

MISS PERUMAL, YEAH!!

The receptionist is very much influenced by the Emergency, but he is also Very Tired of this random woman and her concern over seemingly imaginary children.

Ah, yes, the typical tools of an orphanage tutor out to look for her pupil: food, money, some maps, a few other things, and weapons. I love her so much she’s the best.

It’s really funny, because her persistent questioning probably caused some trouble for Mr. Benedict if they really did get investigated, but she’s so determined!!

One of my favourite things about MBS is that most of the adults (at least, all the important ones) love children to such an incredible and self-sacrificial degree. They are all just truly kind, loving people, and that’s awesome.

Well, there we go! As always, this is the most emotionally devastating and beautiful thing that I have read in absolute ages, except, of course, the last eight chapters. The way that you describe the things that happened "off screen" is so exciting and genuine!! I really felt like I was rewatching the show, but with all the anticipation of seeing it the first time. Thank you for all the time and energy you put into this, it always makes me incredibly happy to see an update, even if I'm not always able to sit down and read it at once. (Although I certainly try to make time!)

Anyways, I hope you're having a wonderful night, and that you have a great week! Thank you once again, my friend :)

Update: Well friends, it's that time again. I have finished another chapter.

Click Here to Read the Fic

Chapter 9 Summary: Mr. Benedict and his team search for the right children for their mission while Dr. Curtain searches for the right children for his own project. Meanwhile, Garrison and Milligan struggle with their memories and their relationships.

Once again tagging everyone who originally expressed interest in the fic: @myfairkatiecat @oflightningandstars @mvshortcut @kneeslapworthy @serial-serializednovelreader

And @sophieswundergarten and @itsgoghtime, this is the new writing style I was talking about. A bit nervous about whether you'll enjoy the change, the build up might take a while to get to the payoff since I don't totally control the story anymore, but I hope you enjoy it (and I think you'll like where I end up going with it...)!