#my point is for the love of god stop pushing and belittling me because i'm not as good as someone else at something

[lamelycool]

Done All Wrong

Spock x FemReader

An: uh...this didn't quite go as expected so I'm sorry lol. By time noticed it was off subject it was too late soooo I deciced to go ahead and finish it. But don't worry I'm working on a fic more on subject to what you requested! 😭

Request: Spock x Reader where reader works under Spock and is terrified/attracted to him and thinks he hates her bc of his blunt Vulcan behavior? But in the end discovers he secretly is attracted to her and feels protective of her.

Warnings: embarrassing situations, anxiety, and some adult language.

Summary: You have a certain pointy earred alien on your mind for multiple reasons. You should hate him like he hates you but you can't bring yourself to. Much to your dismay and embarrassing moments ensue as a result.

You sigh staring at the specimen in front of you. A boring plain leafed plant from one of the recent expeditions. Ordinary nothing special. Quite lackluster and disappointing. Not someone anybody would care for. Someone? Gosh you need a break, this is getting sad. Projecting your angst on to a poor little plant is defiantly a new low. You shake your head and sigh running a hand over your face. A few of your fellow science officers send concerned glances your way. You flush slightly embarrassed.

'I need to get back to work,' you think. You know that you can't keep pushing of your work because of your silly angst. Especially since Sp- he would notice. 'Don't need to give him a reason to nag me.' Well not like you'd have to give him one. Lately it seems all he can do is nag and belittle you. Critiquing each and every little thing that you do. And yet you still lov-

"Ugggh, get it together lieutenant and stop acting like a child." You groan under your breath aggravated.

You pick up your pad and look at the plant to continue your observations. Aroma? Earthy and warm. Size? 11.9 inches. Form? Stalky lean. Leaf shape? Spatulate. Flower color? You lean forward, silly black blossom. Your heart races but you take a deep breath and continue. Leaf color? A lovely shade of green. It reminds you of the faint flush of-

"Is everything alright?"

"!" You let out a gasp and whip around. And of course wouldn't you know it, it's the last person you'd want to see. The object of your frustration and affections, Spock.

Spock's eyebrow twitches up. "My apologies I did not intend to frighten you."

"No! No it's fine. I just wasn't expecting you to just show up so sudden is all..." You put a hand over your racing heart. You can feel your cheeks burn with embarrassment. You wish you could just disappear right now. Maybe if you ju-

"Lieutenant, are you well? You have been distracted since you arrived for your shift. Aswell as your excessive sighing and your flush cheeks. Are you sick? If so I will have to implore you to go to sick bay." Spock admonishes you.

"I- I am not sick! I admit I'm distracted but...It's not- I'm not sick." You stammer. You can't believe he's calling you out like this, so loud and very public. It's humiliating. Your can't even look him in the eyes anymore. Because you're certain if you did he'd peer into your mind and learn as to why you been so distracted. You'd rather die then for him to find out. He's already cruel enough. Gosh, how could this get any worse?

And you to your horror you realize, quite easily is the answer. While avoiding his burning yet apathetic gaze you notice your coworkers glancing at the scene. Judging and knowingly. Some whispering, some pointing. They all know. They know why. They can tell. Your feelings. Oh my god...Oh god...Oh god-

Spock either doesn't notice your panic or doesn't care because he continues to chew you out. "Are you certain? Because it appears you are flushing even worse now. But if you are not sick would you care to explain your actions? Particularly talking to the plant you are supposed to be inspecting. That is certainly not an action a healthy and sane person would take. Perhaps you need to see a counselor or be reliev-"

"Just stop!" You snap you can't help it. You're so overwhelmed. Everything is too much. All the eyes looking at you. And him. Why does he have to hate you so much. Why... Oh god and now you've yelled at him! You've just made this into an even bigger scene. Thank god there's not too many people in the labs this late at night. But everyone will soon hear about this...oh god you're fucked.

You begin to tear up. You look into his eyes finally. His eyebrows are raised almost holding an expression of shock and maybe concern? Who are you kidding as if he could care. Even if he could care he'd definitely not care for you.

"Why? Why do you hate me so...so-" you're cut off by a small cry that escapes. You quickly throw a hand over your mouth to stop any more from escaping. Tears begin to run down your face. You panic, you need to get out as soon as possible and spare yourself any further embarrassment. You dash out of the labs. Leaving behind a shocked and confused Spock.

°•~°•~°•~°•~°•~°•~°•~°•~°••~°•~°•~°•~°•~°•~°

"I simply do not understand why she was upest."

"You don't understand why she was upset? You don't- My god how could someone so smart be so stupid!" Leonard McCoy exclaims exasperated.

"You think that I am smar-"

"That is not the point you pointy eared hobgoblin! Goodness gracious...look." McCoy sighs and leans forward in his seat giving Spock a tired glare.

"You insulted and embarrassed the poor girl in front of all her lab rat coworkers. Hell if I was her I would have done a whole lot more to you then shout and cry. I'd give ya what for." McCoy states plainly punching his palm with his clenched fist.

"I see...it was not my intention to embarrass her nor do I hate her."

"You don't?" McCoy looks at him in disbelief.

"What? Of course I do not hate her nor harbor any ill intentions towards her."

"Goodness Spock... you sure have a way of showing it. Look, I talk to her. We're close and let me tell ya you've been giving her some hell. Ya leave her as ill as a hornet. If you don't hate her then why do ya insist on angering and embarrassing that poor little lady?"

"I- I was unaware I was angering or embarrassing her." Spock says quietly eyebrows furrowed and slightly lowered. Truly he would never wish to upset you. He just wants the best for you and to help you be the best you can be.

"My god...you like her don't you? Heh... Spock you're in deep." McCoy laughs at Spock's expense.

"Please do not tease me. What should I do?"

"Your asking ME for advice? I never thought I'd see the day. My my my you do have it bad."

Spock gets up to leave but is stopped my McCoy's hand that pushes him back into his seat. "Yer not goin anywhere. Sit right there I'm gonna grab some drinks. We're gonna need it."

•~°•~°•~°•~°•~°•~°•~°•~•~°•~°•~°•~°•~°•~°•~°

"You've got five minutes to explain." You snap at him while leaning in your doorway.

Spock nods, " I am deeply sorry. It was not my intention to anger you or to embarrass you. Nor do I hate you, it is quite the opposite. I- I deeply enjoy your company and I find you fascinating. You make me feel although I do not know how to show it. But I will endeavor to do better if you could forgive me? And if you return my feelings?"

You stand in shock. There is no way this is really happening. "Pinch me."

"No, why would I wish to harm you? Did I not explain well enough I do not wish any form of harm or discomfort to you?" Spock says looking offended and confused.

"Nonono sorry, its just an expression. I just can't believe this is real. I must be dreaming."

"Dreaming?"

"Yes, because there is no way that this is real. That you're basically confessed to liking me and asking me out! No, its too crazy..."

"You are not dreaming. And yes I do 'like you'. I also would not mind if you would allow me to court you."

"I-I really?"

"Indeed." Spock looks at you. Wondering if he's made a mistake. Perhaps you don't feel the same? Or he's hurt you too much. Or any other reason.

"Yes! I mean, yes. I would like that very much. I've liked you for awhile now. Um but just please try not to be so mean?" You say with a bright beaming smile.

"Of course." Spock nods seriously.

"Can I please hug you? I'm just so happy!"

Spock nods and stoops down to wrap you in a gentle hug. You wrap yourself up in his lanky form. Maybe the plant is loveable after all.

@yoursparkdoll @lucycola

[dumplingsjinson]

Back with a REALLLYYYY long ramble about my love life? (Like, when I say really long, I meant it.)

Or... A lack thereof. I don't know, it's confusing; maybe I'm overthinking and maybe he does want to be friends or... he wants more??? Maybe I'm looking into things a bit too deeply BUT THAT'S WHAT I ALWAYS DO AND I’M AFRAID IT'S NEVER GOING TO STOP AHHA.

SO ANYWAYS. Here's the story. 

Prepare for a long ass post lmao, because I'm going the FUCK off again :D So like, if you don’t want to read my bullshit then feel free to skip past onto the next glorious post on your dashboard. 

(The TL;DR is at the very bottom of this post if you can’t be fucked reading the whole thing lmao.)

Okay. 

So. 

I met this dude on CMB (Coffee Meets Bagel). We'll call him... Mixed signals dude. (we’re calling him mixed signals dude because it feels like he wants more with the way he acts, but the words that come out of his makes me feel like… Yeah, no, maybe I’m overthinking this greatly.)

He's pretty nerdy. A homebody. Overreacts to things. Pretty shitty texter but aren't most people? And he doesn't seem to exercise much because we were walking around a lot during our first meet up and he was pretty puffed out after a bit lmao. He's an introvert. He's a bit… Eccentric (and I'm not saying that to belittle him). I'm not pinning any of this against him, though. It just provides a background to what type of person he is. 

Either way, he asks me if I'd like to meet up with him "as friends". I say yeah, sure thing, why not? I mean, I’m here to meet people, after all. 

So we set a date, the day comes, and I meet up with him. He’s waiting for me at the platform my train stops at. We fall into easy conversation the moment I walk up to him and we start talking. I feel at ease with him even though we’ve just met, and my nerves dissipate pretty quickly. 

Funny, because I was literally messaging my friend “Oh God, I’m nervous as fuck” like five minutes before the train arrives at my destination. 

It’s nice, we share laughs, and it isn’t like... Awkward? Maybe a little, but it isn’t as bad as the other times I met up with other dudes. Usually first time hang outs are fairly awkward and sometimes boring, but it didn't feel that way with him. Oh, also, he's also the "ladies first" type of dude, always urging me to walk before him AHAHA. I don't know how to describe it but yeah. 

So anyway, that's all good. We have a good time and get to know each other more. We go home after hanging out for the whole day, he tells me he had a good time, I say I did too.

We talk over text, and about a week or so passes before he asks me out again, so I say sure. It was pretty last minute; we set it up Friday night and then met up Saturday noon. That Saturday, he had planned on studying for his cert for either work or uni, but he comes out to hang with me anyway even though I insist we could do another day if he really couldn’t hang out (he said he didn’t want to study anyway so I was like, okay. We’ll go, then, if you’re sure). 

First half of the "hang out" is pretty normal. We go to an art gallery, then we slowly make our way to the Botanic Gardens, where we kinda stop to rest for a little bit. We’re out here talking and laughing, and when we feel rested up, we make our way to another museum/art gallery. We talk about our dating lives, I tell him about the guys I've talked to, we talk about our personal lives and our families; the lot. We share more laughter, and by this point (and take note because this does become an important point later in the story), I’ve broken the touch barrier with what I’d say is friendly physical contact — light slaps on the shoulder/arm, light pushes, etc. The shit I usually do with my friends in a playful type of manner. 

Keep in mind, at this point, he keeps saying “You can’t find someone on the apps, only friends” etc, etc, so I’m like… Cool. He wants to meet people and become friends, and I’m not opposed to that. I could do with more friends. And I’ve basically adapted the philosophy of “What happens, will happen” and I’m not going to try and force shit. 

So now, here’s the thing: one thing I’ve been noticing during the first meet up and moreso throughout the second meet up, during our walks, he seemed pretty… Protective of me? I don’t know if that’s the right word but like… I’d complain about the sun shining in my face and he’d try to walk beside me to shield me from it. He’d grab me before I crash into things like the clumsy bitch I am. During the first meet up, he was quick to stop me from walking into oncoming traffic because I wasn’t paying attention. Maybe he has quick reflexes, I’m not sure, but I do need someone to kinda check me on my shit sometimes HAHA. 

Anyway, after the museum, we wander around the city for a bit, I buy some Gozleme for us to share (he just started his full time job and his paycheck doesn’t come until like, next week, so he was very thankful about me shouting him food). 

After that, we couldn’t really think of anything else to do so I’m like, “Do you wanna go home and study?” and he’s like, “Nah, I will stay for a bit more. I don’t want you staying alone out here” even though I never suggested I’d be staying out there alone, but I was like, “…Okay”. I found that to be pretty sweet of him, ngl. 

I kinda don’t want to go home either because well… I’m stuck at home a lot these days because I’m still jobless (hopefully that changes soon or so God help me, I’ve been applying and applying and I’m on the brink of losing my shit), when a sudden idea pops into my head. Before I know it, I’m suggesting we go to the movies, and I tell him we could watch Across the Spider-verse (I’ve watched it already but I wanted to watch it again, so might as well) and he’s like sure, because he didn’t wanna go home and study anyway, among other reasons. 

So that works out for the both of us! It’s actually kinda funny that he agreed, because he didn’t watch the first one, but when I ask if he’s sure about this, he says, “Yeah I’m sure.”

(Funny side note: about a day ago, he suggested we watch the first one together on Disney+, via IG call this Saturday but I’m not sure if I’m free then so I’ll probably get back to him about that later.) 

By then, it’s around 5pm? I buy the tickets for us (we get a discount for the cinema’s anniversary or whatever event’s going on, so I only had to pay 9 dollars for a ticket rather than 24 dollars so it’s a huge bargain. Again, he thanks me for that and I’m like — “it’s fine.”). The movie starts at 6:40pm, so we stay at the nearby Starbucks to wait for the movie to start. He shouts me hot chocolate, and he uses that hour to study for his cert because he brought his laptop with him. 

This is where he starts returning the friendly gesture/touches. He hugs me as a way of thanking me for buying the movie tickets and for shouting him food; he pats me on the head and I’m sitting there like wtf; he keeps touching my knee with his hand — like, he would lightly shaking my knee and would let his hand linger there for a few seconds. And like, I’m fine with it, because again — those, in my definition, are friendly gestures, and I was already kind of doing that to him myself earlier on. And I’m feeling comfortable enough with him, so you know. I didn’t mind any of this. And I guess he’s pretty comfy with doing stuff like that, too. 

So ANYWAYYYY, we carry on like this for the next hour. I’m pretty sure I’m distracting him from his studies but he still ends up getting something done, and then we head to the cinema once the time’s up. We sit down, the movie starts, and… It’s fine. 

It’s all good. Nothing’s really happening, at least between us.  

I lean my head on his shoulder like I do with my friends. I’ll be honest, I’ve been wanting to do this the whole day, so I’m like fuck it, why not? 

I literally feel him pause for like a moment — like, he goes still. 

So fucking still.

The first thought that pops into my mind is “this is uncomfy.” Turns out leaning your head on someone’s shoulder when you’re sitting in squishy ass cinema chairs isn’t exactly comfortable, so after like, not even a minute of doing that, I sit up properly and fix my posture. I decide to lean forward; elbows resting on my thighs, upper body leaning forward because that’s usually how I like to sit when leaning back into the seat isn’t doing me any good. 

And uh… THIS is where something a little more significant happens — he kind of just wraps his arm around my waist and literally scoops me back into him (and in my head I’m literally like “so fucking close, holy sHITTTT LNKEFLEKWNFWKLNFKLEWNKLFEWN”), and tells me to rest my head on his shoulder, saying shit like, “Sitting like that isn’t good for your back.” 

LIKE BITCH. HELLO?? THE AUDACITY WLKNFELWKFN. This isn’t my first rodeo, it’s happened before with another guy but THIS GOT ME FEELING MORE NERVOUS RATHER THAN UNCOMFY. Maybe uncomfortable because of the stupid seats but not uncomfortable because of what he’s doing, you feel me? 

So I’m like… Okay? He has his arm still around my waist, quite tight I must say, and I’m just kinda awkwardly resting my head on his shoulder while his arm becomes a backrest for my back (which isn’t really that comfortable, to be honest), and it’s kinda just wedged between my seat and my back. And I can FEEL the sudden nervousness coursing through me, distracting me from the movie, so thank fuck I watched the movie by myself the first time around or I would have missed some parts of the movie (because this isn’t the only thing he does — there’s more). 

Anyway, at one point, I slightly lean away from him because sitting like that isn’t very comfortable. He still has his arm around my waist, although it’s loosened a little by now. 

The movie’s still running, I’m sort of in my own world, because all I’m thinking is SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT, when he kind of starts… rubbing his cheek against my shoulder?? That’s the best way I can describe it lmfao, and my fried writer brain isn’t HELPING.

AND I’M LIKE OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD and that’s when my heart starts beating erratically. LIKE BRUHHH. And then he asks, “Is this too much?” (or he asks “Is this okay?” but I can’t exactly remember which one it is so you’re just gonna have to believe it’s either of them) and ahahahahaAHAHAH…

My dumb fucking ass responds to that with an, “Uh, your arm around my back is a little uncomfortable.” BECAUSE IT’S TRUE, OKAY??? But I’m feeling too awkward to pull away AND I’M ALSO FEELING TOO AWKWARD TO MAKE MYSELF MORE COMFORTABLE BECAUSE THAT WOULD MEAN I’D HAVE TO LIKE… FIDGET AROUND AND SNUGGLE UP AGAINST HIM TO MAKE MYSELF COMFY AND MY CHICKEN ASS COULDN’T DO IT LKNFEWLKFNEK (even though I wANTED TO UGH. THIS IS THE PROBLEM. I WANTED TO DO THAT SHIT. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME—)

So yeah anyway, aha… He kinda pulls away from me fully, and stays in his seat and doesn’t really lean over again. 

And I’m thinking… Well. Nothing else is going to happen, I guess. 

Cool.

I guess. 

…WELLL, BOI WAS I FUCKING WRONGGGG HAAHAHAH. 

Throughout the rest of the movie, he’d grab onto my arm during the more tense scenes; he’d link arms with me and pull me closer to him; he’d lean against me, head on my shoulder, and I’d just kinda… lean my head on his head at times LMFAOOO (returning the favour HA), and my heart was being a fucking asshole half of the time and beating a hole through my chest and I was like oh gODDDD PLEASE DON’T LET HIM HEAR THIS SHIT PLEASE DON’T LET HIM HEAR THIS SHITTT— 

Anyway. 

He’d pull away when I’m not reacting to his touch, but then he’d come back in for more. Sometimes I’d react by reciprocating, sometimes I won’t. 

There is one point when I felt his fingers brushing against my knuckles while our arms are linked, and I’m ngl, when he was doing all of that stuff prior to this moment, I was thinking OH GODDDDD is he gonna hold my hand is he gonna hold my hand is he gonna hold my hand— AND LO AND BEHOLD, MY THOUGHTS KINDA CAME TRUE. 

AND THE CRAZY THING IS: I WANT TO LET HIM HOLD MY HAND, but my hands are sweaty and disgusting because I’m feeling so fucking nervous for whatever reason, and so I just pull the fuck away before he could hold my hand LMFAOOO 🥲🥲🥲🥲🥲🥲 

AGAIN. Not my first rodeo. I’ve had another guy do this (the same dude I was talking about before) but in a much cringier way, and I was definitely not as comfortable with that dude than I was with THIS guy. 

So uh. Yeah. That happens. He kinda leans away after that, and I’m thinking… Hm. He isn’t gonna initiate any more physical contact, is he? But nah. I was proven wrong on that department, once again. He’d grab my arm lightly at times, but I kinda just didn’t react by that point because I’m like…. UH. whAT IF HE TRIES THAT AGAIN AHHH.

Like, don’t get me wrong. I want to hold his hand but ALSOOO PALMS SWEATY KNEES SPAGHETTI FRRRRR. 

But anyway, the movie comes to an end, we get the fuck outta there and I feel relief washing over me because JESUS, that was intense. 

It’s like nearly 9pm at that point, we’ve spent a whole day together and I’m out here feeling a little flustered after all of that. 

He starts apologising profusely, saying he’s sorry, etc, and I keep telling him it’s fine, he’s okay, he’s not a creep (he kept calling himself one). He’s like, “You told me about that guy who was being too much with you and I didn’t want you to think I’m like him” (it’s the other dude I talked about before — the one I felt uncomfy with). And I’m like, “You’re not like him, please don’t worry.” (Because for fucking one, while I was definitely nervous when he pulled me close to him in the first instance, I wasn’t like… uncomfy with it because of him. Like, I would honest to God have stayed like that and let him hold me if the cinema seats weren’t so uncomfortable for leaning against someone LMAO, but oFC HE’S NEVER GONNA KNOW THAT.) 

So we walk out of the cinemas and onto the streets, and there’s this like… Performance going on, with a small crowd surrounding the performer. So, me being a curious little motherfucker, kinda beckons him over, saying, “Let’s go take a look,” and he agrees (side note: I’ve been noticing this guy is very agreeable. Like, I’d say “Let’s go into this store to check this thing out”, he’d be like “Sure” and tag along. When I go into these clothing stores, he would follow me into those stores instead of waiting outside, and when I see he’s tired I’m like, “You can sit down, you know?” but he would be like, “It’s fine,” and continues following me around. It’s kinda sweet ngl, but I do feel a little bad when he’s all huffed out and shit lmfaooo). 

We linger there for a bit, trying to see what’s going on. Mind you, it’s cold; there’s a continuous breeze blowing against our backs, and he kinda just… Stands behind me (while complaining about how it’s freezing) and I didn’t think much of it then but now I’m like… Is that his way of keeping me from the cold OR AM I JUST IMAGINING THINGS?? AM I GOING FULL ON DELULU???

AND ANYWAY, we’re still there, watching, when he gets closer to me and leans his head on my shoulder and rubs his cheek against my shoulder. So I’M LIKE AKJBFEWJLBFJKFEJK, and I rest my head on his (i COULDN’T RESIST, OKAY???) and we kinda stay like that for a moment, and it feels so nice. Annnnnnd then I’m pulling away and suggesting we go home. It’s been a long day, and the night’s only getting colder. 

So we make our way to the train station, he apologises more, I say it’s fine. We gotta get on different platforms to go home, and FOR A VEERRRRYY BRIEF MOMENT, I consider hugging him before we part ways BUT I DIDN’T. I FUCKING DIDN’T AND I WISH I DID, BECAUSE I REALLY WANTED TO. 

I wanted to hug him is the problem here, and I’m not usually someone who wants to hug people, unless they’re family or close friends so like… BRUH. 

I get on the train, and then I receive a message from him — and he’s apologising AGAIN for being a creep and I’m like bruh it’S FINEEEEE. YOU’RE FINEEE. OMGG. (Not like that, though. I was more using the standard “It’s fine, please don’t apologise”.) We text for a bit and then, mustering up all my shitty courage, I ask him, “Did you want to hold my hand at one point?”

His answer: “PRETEND YOU DIDN’T SEE THAT.” lkneafklefnklnwfe LMFAOOO, such a shy boi HAHA. 

We’re kinda touching on the topic of boundaries, he’s telling me how he’s a physically affectionate person, so at one point I’m like, “Well, we can hold hands as friends, ya know?” Because these actions don’t have to be romantic. They can be platonic. Annnnnnd he agrees, and basically tells me, “Next time, hug me first. And you can hold my hand too, if you wanted to.” (I feel like a giddy high schooler typing all of this out LMFAO.) 

SO YEAH. TO SUM IT UP, I’m in a dilemma because I can’t tell if he actually wants to be just friends (he kept stating that at the start, but his actions and body language are like… contradicting what he’s saying), or if he wants something more. Maybe I’m overthinking this. Maybe he’s just a really, really affectionate and protective type of friend, and is like this with fuckin’ everyone. 

I DON’T KNOW. 

BUT ANYWAY. THAT’S ABOUT IT. He’s still dry over text, but he’s good to hang out with, and it seems like he wants to continue to hang out with me. Oh, and also, he also keeps sending me selfies of him lmfao. 

And now idk how to feel because I kinda ended up reconnecting with long distant dude (it’s a long story lmfaooo, a lot of my prompt lists are made because of him) and like… I might have lingering feelings for him? BUT NOW I FEEL LIKE I MIGHT BE DEVELOPING FEELINGS FOR THIS MIXED SIGNALS DUDE. OR MAYBE I’M TRIPPING??? LIKE I went into this thinking, “Oh, he’s probably gonna be someone I’m gonna meet up with once and that’d be it” BUT HERE WE ARE, WITH HIM SAYING HE WANTS TO BE FRIENDS AND THEN PULLING SHIT LIKE THAT AND THEN MAKING MY HEART AND HEAD GO WNFLKEWNFKLENWFLKN—

THE FUCKING AUDACITY!!  

And it’s only been such a short while tooooo OMGGG, and I understand it’s only the second time we’ve met up BUT JESUS. 

I don’t know what to think or feel or do and I’m juST WLKNFEKN BECAUSE NOW HE’S THE ONE WHO’S GOT ME WAITING FOR HIS GODDAMN TEXTS LIKE A FUCKING DUMBASS UGHHH. And I already wanna see him again sooo… HOW FUCKED AM I AHAHHAHA FJSJSJJSJ (As that one song says: This is the part where I’m gonna get HURT, LMFAOOO.) 

Though, to be FAIRRR, I did tell him briefly about long distant dude and he was like “awww, you guys are like soulmates” SO IM LIKE AHAHHA 🥲🥲🥲🥲🥲🥲 (he did switch topics pretty abruptly when I tried to talk more about him lmfao, but he skips over shit pretty frequently so maybe that’s just how he is). Perhaps I am over thinking this AND MAYBE HE DOES WANNA BE FRIENDS ONLY but imma see how things progress 😃👍

Now, I’m going be serious for a second: he just got out of a two year relationship three months ago so MAYBE he’s craving physical connection which is why he was acting like that? So I could be completely wrong and he genuinely does want to be friends only so… Yeah. I’m gonna tread cautiously, despite everything I’ve said before. Like, I’m open to whatever happens, but I’m also not looking to get my feelings hurt again. 

With that being said, we’re seeing the Barbie movie next week. It’s kinda funny because I did mention it when we met up last week, and he was groaning about it. 

Earlier today, I messaged him and was like, “Imma buy tickets, did you want to come along or no?” (because if he didn’t want to come along, then I’ll just buy a ticket for myself and watch it myself, no biggie — but I also did kinda wanna see him again so I asked just in case LMAO) and he’s like, “I’ll go with you” with pretty much no hesitation. 

Then, I’m out here making sure he’s okay with it because I didn’t want him to feel like he’s being forced to come along aND THEN HE FUCKING HITS ME WITH THE “I’ll do it for you”.

LIKE, BRUHHHH??? “I’ll do it for you.” BITCCHHHHHH, LET ME JUST CRY BECAUSE WHY CAN’T I HAVE A MAN WHO ISN’T GIVING ME MIXED SIGNALS LIKE THAT IN MY GODDAMN LIFE. 

THE AUDACITTTTYYYYYY SLDKFNDWLKNFWKELFN AHHH.

And then he’s like, “I owe you a lot” since I’m the one buying the tickets again (like I said earlier, he just got a full time job and his paycheck doesn’t come until like next week so it’s whatever if I’m the one paying for us for now) and I’m like, “You don’t owe me anything, and it’s not like you wanted to watch the movie in the first place” and THEN HE’S ALL LIKE, “Yeah, but I wanted to accompany you” AND IT’S LIKE BRO???? HELLLLLOOOOOO????????

Like, talk about being accidentally smooth LMFAO. 

He also has like, work that day, so him agreeing to accompany me just adds a layer of sweetness to this dhsjsjsj

And he started calling me by my nickname outta no where and I was like tf—

SO YEAH. DO FRIENDS DO THIS JFDFNDKLN. AM I TRIPPING. AM I OVERTHINKING???

And yeah, this is basically where things are at right now and I’ll probably provide another update later if anything significant happens, so you might see me popping up with something else in a reblog of this post lmfao :DDDDD 

So… Yeah. Moral of story is: don’t go on dating apps or you’ll end up playing yourself like a goddamn fiddle. 

(I also just realised I wrote a whole fic, basically, because I failed to be succinct lmao, I’m sorry and I’m gonna be so surprised if anyone reads the whole thing.) 

TL;DR: Dude I met up with two times keeps giving me mixed signals. Says he wants to be friends, but his actions contradict his words. I’M CONFUSION. And might  also be catching feelings but we’ll hold onto that thought for a bit because I think I still like someone else?? And maybe it's been too short of a time to be catching feelings in the first place. So yeah. Fun times. 

[nerfherderhan-moved]

.

[teddy-feathers]

If I had been born a boy, I'd be a much more violent person.

And I know this because I've always been a violent person but had no support for these things.

My answer when bullied was to get angry. Lash out. I was - to the point Id entered into the rumor mill of the schools in my area - the 'psycho girl who stabbed people with pencils' when they fucked with me which... Happened more after I started doing that.

I pushed past a guy in the hall, he grabbed my bag, i swung my fist around and slammed him in the stretched out shoulder and kept walking.

I LOVED wrestling but could only do it with my cousins without it being 'weird'.

I bit people, actively hit anyone who said they wouldnt hit a girl because by god if i hit you you WILL hit me back dont be a fucking dumbass.

I had a huge chip on my shoulder and a temper with a short fuse - volcanic like my dad, big loud, explosive... And I'm prob fine when I get it out of my system.

Someone said i was dating my best friend. I was furious and KNEW that if i didnt get away from him something bad would happen. The bully followed and i slammed my hand into a wall that i knew would be loud and satisfying because if i didnt i would hit him. He was scared and i was happy.

I told a guy i hated being picked up. I told him if he did it i would bite him. He did. I did. I left marks and only stopped short of taking a chunk because i could tell i could if i wanted and it scared me.

I still threaten people with violence, and i still feel that drive to wrestle with people but its weird because people get ideas. They *like* it and while that may not be because of being born a girl... It certainly shaped how people interact with me and how im forced to consider things.

If id been a guy... Id have been given an outlet for that. Permission in a way. Socially accepted methods of being able to challenge my anger.

But i was never ALLOWED to be angry. Not really. And I was belittled when I was and when I cried I was shamed for it or told I was faking and its easy to see how no one could see my anger - or see it as a reoccurring problem rather than a series of unrelated incidents.

Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe when i threaten to punch people i wouldnt feel the need to actually do it because on some level theyd take the threat seriously if they saw me as a guy.

But then again i probably would have done it more often because i was a guy. Because i actually would have to or be seen as weak.

Kids got into fights a lot. They looked like they were having fun. I was scared yeah but also jealous.

[radwitchdream]

To my sister:

I wish I missed you.

There must be good memories, but I can't see them. All I see was you, criticising and humiliating everything I loved to do, until I stopped doing them. For my art, you were always right there, to point out all the flaws. For my voice, when I'd sing, you'd always tell me about someone who is better at it. You'd be angry, full of rage, ready to belittle.

I want to miss you, because that would mean I had a friend over those long years. But I didn't, did I?

There must be some good in here. There was the time you helped me escape a brutal man. But ill always remember you telling me that it all started because I kissed a woman. You got to tell people about saving me, while not being concerned with me; it was never about me, was it? Because you'd leave me, in the house alone, for weeks at a time; no license, no car, no people. I slowly went mad.

There was the time our mother slipped into a manic rage, the victim of an underlying mental illness, threatening to to drive us into oncoming traffic. You kept us on the road. I talked her into pulling over near the mall, where I stole money from her purse. I told her we needed the bathroom and I led you to the payphone, pushing the money into your hand and saying "call dad. Call dad now." I stood guard in the walkway. I was so scared my legs felt like jelly, my heart dropped into my stomach. In my head I rehearsed what I'd do if she caught us - grab you by the arm and run. You were so scared you could barely speak - I had to be the one to make the escape plan work.

Years later, relaying the story to dad, you changed it. Suddenly, it was all you. Why did you do that? Why did you lie? Why couldn't you accept what I did for you?

In that moment, you showed me that I don't mean anything to you. This should've brought us closer together, but you chose to keep us apart.

I want to recall a moment where I thought "thank god for my sister", but all I can see is us as children. You made friends with my friends, telling them I don't really care about them, that I'm a liar, not to be trusted. Until I had no friends at all.

I want to miss you. But all I can see is us in the car, you at the wheel. I'm scared, throat dry, hands trembling. I tell you that I think I might be gay. You pause. I feel a wall go up - I sense it in the stiffening of your back and tightening of your grip on the wheel. You say "okay" - like a question. Like, "this is weird, I don't believe you." I'm terrified and I need to be believed and I feel that I need to prove it to you. I tell you that I have never enjoyed being with a man. I tell you that it always feels wrong to me. I tell you that I'm not happy, have never been happy, and I think this is why. You don't say much to that. There is a long pause.

Later we go to sushi together and you tell me "it's probably just trauma" or I'm "probably just bisexual", because I'd been with so many men - I haven't, for the record, and im not sure why you think that. You also tell me "you've been with women in the past", as if I'm not allowed to have buried this within myself after those experiences.

Then finally, we take a trip together. You tell me you're taking me to see your psychic. Your messaging with her, back and forth - I think nothing of it. When we arrive, she reads my cards, telling me of all the men I'm going to sleep with. Uncomfortably, I tell her I'm not interested in men. The psychic looks at you briefly, then turns to me and says "I can hear your spirit guides, and they tell me you like men". After much back and forth, she settles on "well, you're maybe a bisexual but definitely prefer men". It was so uncomfortable, having a total stranger tell me who I should sleep with. You don't look at me, you don't say anything. I don't know if you set this up: but I can't shake the feeling that you had something to do with it. Whether you did this or not doesn't matter - I don't trust that you didn't do this. It speaks volumes of the state of us.

I really want to miss you. But all I see is the terror after becoming estranged. How will you hurt me? How will you exact your revenge? Very telling of how I see you, indeed.

I still have nightmares about how you're going to hurt me. But it does not outweigh the utter relief I feel at not having you near me.

I want to miss you. A sadness would mean there was something worthwhile for us; but I don't miss you at all.

[theangrypokemaniac]

Sinnoh has massive flaws as an era, although it's starting to feel like the good old days compared to the present piss-poor offerings.

The major drawback is the amount of 'recurring characters', ones not good enough to be in it fully, but inflicted upon us nevertheless.

I did care about Ash. I did care about Team Rocket.

I was prepared to care about The Misty Replacement, as in the girl shipped with Ash.

I was prepared to care about The Brock Replacement, that is the older brother figure who does all the cooking, carries the medicine, and knows about Pokémon.

I don't give a toss about extras who outstay their welcome.

Hoenn only had Drew and Harley. What was wrong with that?

There are just too bloody many.

Why does Dawn require so many opponents, as if she's of the greatest importance? Why won't Jessie suffice?

I accept the necessity of Paul as The Rival, and we were at least permitted to resent him initially, before the writers fanboy'd like there was no tomorrow.

I admit I liked two of them. They therefore featured the least.

Typical.

Nando

The Blondel of Iberia

A softly-spoken, raven-locked troubadour, roaming the many pathways of life, playing his songs for those weary travellers he encounters on the road.

He's wearing a cloak! The finest use of material to ever be invented!

All this ethereal grace considering the dub lumbered him with the most appallingly unsuitable name possible.

It could've been Raphael, or Dante, or Leonardo.

Oh no, let's name him after a restaurant chain. That adds gravitas.

His lyre pays tribute to Mew, because Nando knows she's The Rarest Of All Pokémon, thus refuses to be impressed by any deformed horse like Arceus throwing its weight around.

Damn straight.

Ursula

A pretty girl with lovely clothes and the spark of a proper personality.

You're not wanted round these parts, love.

I have no particular animosity towards Dawn, but it irritates me how the world revolves around her whims, where if she's lost in the woods, it's a major disaster, and if an attack heads in her direction, she must be protected in case she shatters.

It makes a refreshing change to find someone firmly inoculated against the lures of the temptress.

Also, alongside Ursula from Dinosaur King (the real Jessie), I'm glad of any attempt to reclaim that name, considering most of my generation, upon hearing it, think only about evil old octopus women.

As for the rest?

It's that bad I prefer the Unova bunch to these.

Reggie

Reggie is even more of a knob than Paul. As above, being Ash's enemy meant that, if only by narrative, he was intended to be somewhat disliked.

Not Reginald. No, he's the kind one.

Oh really?

When Ash and Paul have their showdown, Reg starts wittering that it's just as well Chimchar took up with Ash, since he wasn't suited to Paul's 'battle style'.

Battle style.

Is the what he calls mental and physical cruelty?

In Reg's amoral cesspit of a mind, there is no right and wrong, so do whatever you feel.

Reggie is quite aware of how his brother tortures Pokémon, and not only is he unconcerned, he excuses it with euphemism, hoping the audience will obligingly forget too.

What's more, he implies it's Chimchar's fault for not pulling his weight, and Paul abandoning him was the compassionate thing to do.

Cynthia

Suffering severe Bridge Nose Syndrome.

She may be Champion, but I don't remember Lance turning up all the time where he wasn't wanted.

She doesn't even use her influence properly. Rather than give it straight to Paul, order him to shape up and stop spanking the monkey, she fannies about with her cod mysticism, emptily preaching about how Ash and Paul are spiritually linked, with magical, beeyewteefull events taking form just because they met.

That's right, don't bother about Paul clearly being a psychopath, for 'tis ART!

It's the same as trying to convince me that Ash, Dawn and Brock were the Divine Trio because they all saw Something Nasty In The Lake District, as if they have an intrinsic bond foretold in ancient prophecy.

The writers pull this knowing two thirds of the Holy Trinity, plus Paul the Fallen Angel, will be leaving, at which point we'll be expected to stop being overawed at the great majesty they all apparently possess and transfer allegiance to their usurpers.

What's the point?

Angie

Yet another smackhead from that lunatic stare.

What shining genius decided giving all the characters contracted pupils was a good idea?

She looks like one of those kids whose parents dealt with nits the traditional way:

Shaving the entire head and painting it purple.

A barnet resembling privet hacked at by a paralytic gardener before he conked out.

I've seen her arc three or four times, and I still remember nothing about her, except for the amazing skill she possesses to make Ash sneeze on command from a distance.

Conway

One word: nonce.

A clichéd weirdo fitting into Pokémon's Four-Eyed Freaks fixation, where anyone with a slight visual impairment is a weedy, know-it-all bastard or on a register.

Oh yes, and this lad comes with hidden delights, because his glasses gleam like a giant cockroach, just in case he wasn't creepy enough.

Zoey

The human black hole. Has the incredible ability to suck all the joy out of a room just by appearing. A personage of absolute lead.

Too nice and over familiar, lacking a single detectable personality trait.

Bland, empty, and with the charisma of vomit-sodden cardboard.

Sinnoh is a prolonged saga as it is, padded with nonentities like her and Kenny.

Alright, episodes must be devoted to Dawn's Contest career, however tiresome it is, but why exactly do we need any about Zoey and Kenny? Why should we care?

Every time I sat through a competition Dawn lost, I resented that she was no further along on her quest, equating to another episode eaten away by this shallow, blackened hymn to superficiality.

Compare this indulgent treatment to the sneering disrespect shown to Jessie, an actual main character, who not only had to win her Ribbons practically off screen, but the writers delighted in hammering home how worthless she was in only scraping into the Grand Festival because Princess Salvia took pity on the deluded wretch.

They favour their own inventions over the original cast, then dump 'em as soon as the next generation arrives, so how could they ever matter if even the creators eagerly cast them aside?

After all the effort on my part to put up with the entire witless farce, Zoey beats Dawn in the finals!

Why?!

I understood the unspoken law of Ash not being allowed to win a League until the very last series, for fear whatever came after would be anticlimactic, but why should this deadening failure apply to May and Dawn?

By the culmination of the Contest rigmarole, it's obvious they'll be making their exit for the next region's Girl, so why couldn't either bid farewell to the fans with a victory?

Why must they be incompetent too?

Even if achieving their dream dampened any hunger to carry on, they're departing anyway, so what difference does it make?

At least Ash will continue, but for May and Dawn, it's the end.

How could any fan be satisfied with a smarmy vacuum of a creature like Zoey succeeding instead?

Barry

Eyes of molten evil.

The second-worst character ever created (Iris is top of the ranks), Barry is a smug, arrogant, screeching dweeb jabbering his oh-so endearing catchphrase about fining anyone who slightly irks him, so sure is he that his feelings should come above everyone else's

He truly believes he has a God-given entitlement to demand lesser lifeforms should arrange themselves to suit his pleasure, that they are morally compelled to shield him from  meagre inconvenience.

Twat.

Knocking the little geck out of the League was the most noble thing Paul ever did. It practically redeems him.

This is what I cannot comprehend:

Ursula is openly conceited, rude to Dawn, and brags about her own excellence even after losing.

We're asked to dislike her.

Barry slags Ash off constantly, is convinced of his own divinity, and jeers at Team Rocket.

We're supposed to see him as a 'good guy' and welcome his arrival.

Why? Are Ash and Team Rocket fair game, but offending Saint Dawn's intolerable?

Again, it astounds me how temporary, region-specific stars seem to count for more than those who've been here since the beginning.

Whilst they're here, that is. Once gone, you wouldn't know they'd existed.

Kenny

He wears a matador outfit to compete.

It's a crying shame Tauros was never given the opportunity to gore him.

As usual, it's Piplup I blame.

Each generation likes to flaunt the starter Pokémon, presumably in the hope of flogging more games, that's why Ash usually catches all three, or they're spread out amongst his friends.

It's about time Team Rocket had one.

Can't do that, they only appear five times per series now.

Piplup is a whiny attention whore who refuses to evolve. In consequence, he can't advertise the next stages in the evolution chain, so we have to keep seeing Barry and Kenny instead, that's why Empoleon and Prinplup are always walking about.

This equates to three characters having the same Pokémon, albeit in different incarnations.

There's variety.

However, Kenny's true purpose is much more grim than that.

Fans will ship Ash with The Girl, a useless endeavour when it's destined to come to nothing when she's kicked out.

In Hoenn and Sinnoh, an effort was made to wean shippers off in preparation for the upcoming split, so alternative suitors were introduced, with the girls effectively pushed on to them.

May got Drew.

I don't mind that. He had some refinements.

Dawn got Kenny.

...

What, you want me to cheer for such a revolting couple?

Have I not suffered enough?

What unpardonable crime did Dawn do to deserve such a horrible fate?

She's not a bad-looking girl. She can do better than an ugly, portly, shrunken, pie-faced cretin! 

You do this to me when Nando exists?

Sod the age gap, that never concerned anyone here.

This being the Kenny who spends four years belittling Dawn by constantly reminding her of a humiliating childhood experience, even giving her a nickname too!

Dawn is visibly distressed when he does this, but he's a fine candidate for romance?

She has to settle for a sweaty, lecherous herbert like him, who doesn't even try to atone for his unfortunate mug by being kind?

I suspect the whole Sinnoh adventure was really him wearing down her self-esteem until she believed he was the best available, wanting her to be grateful for his slobbery attentions.

It won't stop there either. He'll trap her for the rest of her life by isolating her from friends, followed by accusations of how undeserving she is of his 'love'.

Such is Dawn's lot: absent father, pushy mother, whinging penguin and abusive boyfriend.

Kenny's already a perv:

He's not looking at her face.

She knows he's not.

Ash and Pikachu have noticed an interesting feature further down.

Aipom likes it too.

[austenpoppy]

When fanfiction begins to be worrying

Warning : Ron-lovers, if you read this it is at your own peril. I am already suffering from long-lasting damage. Vivi, don't read. Really. Don't. Trust me.

We won't even talk about incest and other criminal and sickening fanfictions, which are mostly rejected by the fandom with the utmost disgust - fortunately.

No, no, what I'm going to talk about is admired by a - sadly - large part of the fandom. I was just looking for a cool fanfiction about Ron during my break when I found this, on the first page : "101 ways to kill Ron Weasley."

I know, I shouldn't have clicked on the link, but I couldn't help myself. I had to know.

This is the Author's note :

"This story is inspired by Crys' 1001 Deaths of Lord Voldemort on

For many of us, we hate one character in canon more than any other. No, not Lord Voldemort. I am, of course, talking about Ron Weasley.

Ron is lazy, stupid, annoying, and, in my opinion, mentally retarded.

Now, many in the fanfiction community hate Ginny much more than Ron; however, I find that to be more based upon their experiences with fanfiction than Ginny's actual roll in canon. Let's all be honest, outside of CoS and a cameo in OoTP, Ginny has very few lines and almost no involvement in the plot while Ron plays the role of a giant douchebag throughout the books.

This story, which I hope people will enjoy, is my way of killing off the dumbass in as many colorful ways as possible.

In case you can't tell, expect major Ron!Bashing."

...

I should have stopped as soon as I read this. I didn't, pushed by a morbid curiosity : I wanted to know how far people were ready to go. Useless to say that I bitterly regret it.

First, notice here that Voldemort and Ron are the only characters that I know of who have entire fanfics dedicated to kill them.

Voldemort and Ron are put on the same level. A teenager, the best friend of the hero and a hero himself, is compared to a psychopath and a murderer.

Moreover, I have to underline that the author judges Ron as "mentally retarded". I find it worrying. Just because a teenager have not the same grades as the best student in his year, just because he does not display the same way of thinking as his clever best friend does not mean he is stupid. Far from that.

That is a judgement on intelligence that I think is horrible. You have to know that intelligence, despite what tests such as IQ's claim, can not be really measured. It depends on so many factors. The results of IQ tests depend themselves on so many factors.

Furthermore, having real problems to understand things should be seen as a disability, a handicap and not an insult. It is a very difficult situation to deal with.

Also notice that the intellect is one the major criteria differencing the characters for those people. Intellect is practically above everything else.

I read the fanfiction, constituted of two chapters and multiple drabbles.

First reaction :

First one : Ron dies from eating too much. He chokes on his food.

Second one : In first year, wanting to prove a point to Hermione, Ron willingly mispronunces a spell and conjures a buffalo which crushes him

Third one : In Deathly Hallows, Ron takes the locket with him when he leaves. Harry and Hermione try to stop him and splinch him (he is split in two), but they don't recover the Horcrux. Last sentence : "Even in death, Ron Weasley found a way to be a pain in the ass."

Fourth one : Ron, charged by Harry to give Hedwig her treats, eats them in front of her. Hedwig, with the help of thousands other owls, avenges herself by attacking and killing Ron. Reminding of "The birds" by Hitchcock.

Fifth one : Ron, jealous, accuses Hermione of loving Harry and calls her "a Mudblood". She kills him. Harry and her hide Ron's body before they have sex. Petty remark about the length of Harry and Ron's manhoods. Note of the "author" explaining that it was a summary of another fic.

Sixth one : the Trio enters Bellatrix's vault. Ron is immediately fascinated by the amount of money and begins to steal it despite his friends' warnings. He burts into flames and jinxes his friends. Particularly petty sentence : "He never knew, or cared, that his greed had doomed them as well."

Seventh one : Ron speaks proudly about the unbreakable vow he made when he was five. Hermione asks him what it was about, he says he had sworn he would never say he wasn't a jobbernowl, he dies. Worst thing : use of a real passage of the book.

Eighth one : Ron dies on the chess set. His sacrifice is presented as stupid because it 'had to be another way.'

Nine : Harry uses Sectumsempra on Ron while he is sleeping. Ron dies. Harry transforms his corpse into a sock and burns it.

Last one : after Ron is made prefect, Hermione refuses to have him as a partner, jinxes him and kills him "for the greater good." Particularly nasty sentences : "Harry looked at the badge and fought the urge to go downstairs and ask McGonagall and Dumbledore if they were high when they selected the male Gryffindor prefect this year." / "'Sure', Ron said, completely shocked. 'I was positive you would get it, Harry.' 'You and the rest of the world,' Harry thought darkly." / "I can already see Ron not taking his duties seriously and flaunting the privileges that prefects normally deserve."

I won't comment all of them, but I really want to say something about some of them.

The first one uses a trope overused in Ron-bashing fanfiction : the fact that Ron eats a lot and sometimes speaks with his mouth full. Obviously, the author has forgotten what it is to be a teenager, and especially a thin teenager. Their metabolism needs food, and loads of food, because they are growing up and thin people tend to burn off energy more rapidly.

The fourth makes me sick. (Not that they don't all make me want to throw up.) First since it uses the overused trope I have already mentioned. Moreover for Ron would definitely do what Harry asks him to do, and for Ron is definitely not cruel. And thirdly because... THE BIRDS ! Does it ring a bell, a physical assault on Ron with birds ?

The fifth one. There is absolutely no universe where Ron, I'm-going-to-kill-Malefoy-with-my-bare-hands!Ron, would call Hermione a Mudblood. No. Way.

The sixth. Just because Ron said once something like "It would be nice to have galleons for a change", once "I hate being poor" (ONCE !!!), "Lucky you" (referring to Harry not noticing the difference on his amount of gold when the fake money disappeared), "Where's mine ?" (asking Bill where his money was because Bill has just given Harry a purse full of gold), that's it, Ron is greedy. Just because he doesn't want to be in need. Although he never complained that much.

These people hating Ron for he does not like to be poor are just self-righteous and have very probably never lived in the same situation. They have never been homeless, have received all the gifts for Christmas they wanted, have lived in a warm and comfortable house. It's easy to think about morals when your stomach is full, your health is perfect and well taken care of, and your basical material needs are fulfilled.

I remember a story my dance teacher told me : there was a poor woman in Africa who had lost a husband, a son and a leg in a war and still considered herself luckier than a French homeless person because she had a roof above her head.

I'm not saying that losting a loved one is less terrible. Nothing is more terrible.

Just that hating a fourteen-years old boy who never received another Christmas gift than a maroon jumper he hates but still puts on without really complaining because his mother made it, because he would like to have clothes that fit him or galleons he could spend to offer things to his friends is stupid. Really. And shows a lack of empathy.

Moreover, it's not as if Ron was not generous. All he has he shares it. His galleons, he mostly spends it on gifts for his friends. He gave his Christmas gifts to an house-elf. Ron has a really big, big heart and nothing is more important to him than his friends and family.

Eight. Just. How dares he / she ? That's what I hate with this fandom. Everything is twisted to correspond to the views of people.

Last. The prefect badge. My god the prefect badge. Maybe the most disgusting one, because Harry and Hermione are depicted as thinking the worst of him and somehow echo the 'No one in their right mind would make Ron a prefect'. The fact that Ron is often belittled by the fans who don't think he deserved the badge is reminiscent of the fact that Ron didn't either. Ron didn't think he deserved it. That makes me soooo angry.

Pansy Parkinson deserved her badge, but Ron ? Nooooo of course.

The question of worthiness in Ron-bashing is central. People operate a grading : some characters are better than others. The worst is to think that they do it in real life.

I am really naive. I thought that most readers would be inflamed by such display of stupidity. How wrong I was ! This story had 242 reviews, whose only 12 were critical. On the twelve crital ones, 4 were saying that Ron was just an ordinary teenager with no talent, but that it was a shame to dislike him for that.

The rest ?... At this point I don't know if I want to cry or burst into flames out of rage.

I have warned you before. I warn you again. Be aware of the violence of what will follow.

"More!

In order to get a good nights sleep, I need to read about Ron dying in horrendous and funny ways, due to his folly and vices."

At this point it looks like a caricature, doesn't it ? We can notice, however, that people vent out their frustrations and violence on fictional characters. It's up to you if it is good or not. I think it is sick to post it on the Internet, on a personal level.

"A note to a couple of Ron fanboys that posted. First, don' t like? Don' t read. You can tell it is a bashing story from the summary. Second; each person can interpret the canon events the way he wants. Personally, i see it like this: Ron betrayed and abandoned his supposed best friend when he needed help the most. Twice. And he never even apologised properly! It is not our best moments and actions that show us who we really are, but our worst ones. Because, usually, that is when one lets his true self show. Ron is not a bad person, but he is an idiot in canon."

It actually reflects a way of thinking. Ron is defined by the moment he felt betrayed and argued against his best friend - and he tried to apologize, though didn't make Harry apologize for hitting him - and the moment he left under mental torture - the first one who tells me Ron isn't strong-willed will have to run really fast from my anger, because Ron resisted possession and once rebelled against a thought mass murederer on a broken leg and they know nothing about torture -. For this kind of people, you can't have flaws. You can't be faulty. You have to be perfect. You can't ever be forgiven. This is unhealthy.

"*Insane laugh* I love this story! I've always hated Ron. *Sigh* If only he died in cannon, then my life would be complete!"

Once again I am amazed by the VIOLENCE of such a statement.

"I just love the first one where Ron dies while stuffing his face. I have often thought that he had either Bulima or a tapeworm. I have actually seen someone eat like him. It turned out that this person was Bulimic. How else does someone stuff himself and remain skinny?"

It displays a total lack of understanding of what eating disorders really are. Those are disorders which are really extremely difficult to deal with on a daily basis. They are mistaken here with bad eating manners.

"Are you in middle schoolers? Because that's how they teach you how to write in middle school. Also, Ron IS stupid. His grades show that. And Hermione is always caring and helping Harry, even when Ron is off sulking, jealous of Harry. And who cares if Ron came back after leaving? He still left! And getting his ass off of bed is not an excuse for Ron. He only goes along with Harry because he needs to! To keep being Harry's friend, that is. You're actually as mentally deficient as Ron is, and I hope you learn some proper fucking grammar."

Once again intelligence is confused with good grades. That's how you end up with teachers telling students who don't have good grades that they are too stupid to do anything of their life. Ron is here considered as an opportunist. As if he had chosen to be friends with Harry for fame -internal scream. As if being friends with Harry was easy. As if he had not commited his life to help his friends. Notice that once again someone is judges according to his so-called bad actions (to me, Ron leaving is not a mistake Ron did, as I said multiple times already).

"Oi weasel!, for the first and final time, there will never be an Hermione and you, so stop dreaming about her; she's way, out of your league, otherwise l will make you into an weasel patty..."

Love is seen as a question of worthiness.

"Can the Basilisk eat him? please please let the Basilisk eat him"

Once again the violence strucks me.

"ugh i hate him 2 he always runs away or gets jelous. The one thing he did was play stupid chess. Like geez. I love the owl 1".

Chess is considered stupid. CHESS IS CONSIDERED STUPID, BUT WRITING AN ENTIRE FANFIC TO KILL A FICTIONAL CHARACTER IS NOT. Those people are sickeningly judgemental and self-righteous.

"Thank you, I really needed a good laugh and nothing is more funny than Ron dying in horrific, nasty ways."

*throws up*

"Hilarious. Keep updating. I can't stand Ron. The flaws of Snape, Albus, Remus, Sirius and the rest makes them interesting characters. The flaws of Ron make him a putz."

Notice that Ron is the one character that apparently can't be forgiven for his flaws. Ever.

"Lol, Keep killing Ron, it's enjoyable. It's a good stress reliever to read these. :)

See ! Ron is nothing more than a punching ball to those people. I'm scared, really. Their immaturity is worrying.

"I agree with you about Ron he really is a good for nothing person in canon."

*sees red* That's what I'm fighting against in real life. People telling teenagers (and here one of the most admirable fictional teenagers I've ever seen) with a crippling lack of self-esteem that they are worthless. DON'T LISTEN TO THEM !

"this is so funny. i love the owl treats one. my favourite so far. anyone who dares say this is rubbish will face my anger, dont worry. just because it wont happen in canon dosent mean its not good."

Well, sorry to break it to you, but this is rubbish.

"Harry could have been the next Voldermort or Dumbledore if Ron hadn't infected him wi"

Ron and his friendship with Harry are seen as DISEASES.

"Weasley must die! Weasley must die!"

"I actually don't mind Ginny as a character, but Ron has always severely irritated me. The ending to Deathly Hallows was disappointing - how could JKR stick Hermione with a git like that? Ron's been nothing but awful to her since day one, and let's not even get started on how he's treated Harry...

Not really such a "loyal" sidekick, is he? When it all comes down to it, he's a selfish prat, thinking of nobody but himself. The PoA incident with Crookshanks, then GoF when he accused Harry of putting his name into the Goblet - there's been numerous occaisions in which that red haired git has allowed his jealously to get the better of him and abandoned his friends all because of his own petty insecurities.

Halfway through Deathly Hallows, I was ready to strangle him. I know the locket probably brought most of it on - but I don't see that as an excuse for him to throw a childish temper tantrum and blow up about Harry not knowing what he's doing. Okay, so you miss mummy's cooking, and living your life as a lazy sloth..

No reason to take it out on your two best friends. At least your parents are still alive, you ignorant MORON. I was rather pleased when Harry told him off, though. :)

All in all; Ron has always been an annoying, pain in the butt character to me. Utterly useless, really.

I can't wait to see what other creative ways you come up with to kill him.

*adds story to favorites*

Weasley is NOT my king."

So many things wrong.

Ron has been nothing other than awful to Hermione ? What about 'You're the most wonderful person I've ever met ?' 'She's been perfect, as usual.' ? What about getting detention several times (and one washing bedpans) for defending her ?

[tea-and-toblerones]

Unison Chapter 10- I'm Forced to Deal With What I Feel

This chapter was inspired heavily by the River music video. That tells you how long I’ve been working on it. After three complete rewrites this is what I got.

Car Radio- Twenty One Pilots

"So, tell me about your week. Did anything exciting happen?"

My fingers interlaced, my arms resting on my thighs as I stared down at the pale carpet. I could hear Linda shift in her chair, her pen jotting down a couple notes. It was insane all that you could hear when everything was completely silent. The soft rustle of her hand brushing against the page, the way the chair squeaked with the slightest movements. The normal sounds of the city bleeding into the room. The air whistling through my nose. Did anything exciting happen? Where should I begin?  

"Uh, yeah, a lot actually. Er- let's see..." My head fell back as I thought, finally deciding to start at the beginning, "Adi showed up Thursday a bit off. I didn't realise just how bad off she was until She ended up having a full on breakdown in the middle of my suite. It broke my heart, seeing her that out of sorts. I put her in the bath since I remember her saying it could fix anything and I didn't know what else to really do."

I saw her scribble something on her pad, "Did it fix it?"

"I don't know if it fixed it but she kinda zoned out and shared a bit as I washed her back." I could see her sitting cross legged in the tub, cup of tea clutched between her hands that not ten minutes before were trembling. That far off distant look in her eyes as she cobbled together bits from her past. "The more she told me the easier it seemed to be for her."

She nodded as she wrote, finally looking up, "What did she tell you?"

"About her ex" I swallowed hard, realising I couldn't use his name, like if it was spoken aloud he'd suddenly appear. What a stupid thought, "How they met, became friends, became more, then left. How when I slipped back into bad habits, it reminded her of him."

I had replayed that moment over in my head quite a lot over the past couple of days. How I had somewhat regretted remaining silent about it but it was better than the truth. I felt let down, to be honest. She had built it up as this whole dramatic thing and it boiled down to he broke up with her. Either there's something I'm missing or I'm just being an insensitive prat because I just don't see how that warrants this reaction. It's no surprise that she picked up on that and she really hit the nail on the head when she called me out on it. Nothing really gets past her. What I hadn't realised was how transparent, no how callous I had been about it  My gut was telling me that I was missing something. Something important, something big. Right now I was fumbling around in the dark, trying to pick objects out by light of a firefly and it was getting me nowhere.

Linda must have picked up on that note. "You don't seem satisfied with it."

"There has to be a piece I'm missing. Something she left out. I understand he was a big part of her life for years and all that but..." I let out a deep sigh, "Is it bad that I almost said is that all when she told me? Thank god my brain kicked in and stopped me but...I was waiting for more of the story, some big aha moment where everything suddenly made since but I didn't get it. I knew if I would have asked, is that all, she'd think I was belittling her when I was just waiting for more pieces of the puzzle."

"Did she tell you that's the reason she won't open up or are you assuming that's the reason?"

I stared blankly at her as she waited for my response. I wracked my brain, trying to remember if she had said he was the reason. I could faintly hear her voice say I'm worried I'm going to open up and you're going to leave. I assumed it was him, more so when she told me of his sudden departure but she never outright pinned the blame on him. The more I thought, the more I believed that it might not have been just him. She painted the picture of sweet, caring, almost naive person, yet I saw a fear in her eyes when my anger had gotten the best of me. There's no way the person she described could instile that into her.

"I assumed, but the more I think about it, I don't think it's just him. He didn't help things but I think it's something else. It's part of the piece I'm missing, I'm sure." My hand gripped my knee tightly in frustration. I felt pretty helpless at the moment.

"Don't take it personally, Ed. It's not a wall to keep you out, it's a wall to keep her safe. Just give her some time and she'll let you in. Pushing her is only going to re enforce it. Think of it this way, when she lets you in, it's not because she needs to, it'll be because she wants to."

"I know, it's just...it's hard..." Yet another one of my sigh filled the air, "I want her to know that I'm not just going to vanish or leave without warning. Which is why I thought showing her that I rented an apartment would be a good thing. I wasn't expecting it to lead to a fight. I thought she was going to put an end to everything."

"You fought? What about?" She hand moving back into writing position.

"A misunderstanding." I said with a shrug, not knowing what else to call it.

"Ah. You two seem to have quite a lot of those."

"I wasn't me this time." My finger coming up as I defended myself, " She was the one that jumped to conclusions this time." I clear my throat in preparation for the story, "Friday I signed the lease to a new apartment. Since I'm going to be here for a bit, that was the cheaper way to go."

She nodded, "I understand, continue."

"I brought Adi along so I could show her and tell her the news. I meant to Thursday but with what happened, focusing on her was more important. So, instead I thought I'd show her the place, then go, surprise, this is my new place. I thought she would be excited. Like I said, I thought this would show her that I was here to stay for a while. That this was real not just a fling.  The suite had a temporary feel to it, y'know? I could up and leave in a moments notice without a trace, which I think was always in the back of her head. An apartment is much more permanent. I thought it would help put her abandonment fears to rest.  Well, it didn't go exactly to plan, Janet, the realtor, made the comments about young couples getting their first apartment and handed her the other key. So she thought I was asking her to move in with me and it freaked her out a bit. She lead with ' we need to talk' then I assumed she was breaking up with me, got a little irritated about how she was doing it, the classic, 'it's not you it's me' line. Luckily she got head of it and clarified that she just wanted to slow things down not break up. "

"Were you?" She asked once her hand had stopped.

I lift my head up, "Was I what?"

"Were you planning on asking her to move in?" I feel my eyebrow raise, "Honestly?" I ask softly, my eyes dropping to my fingers that were pulling on my sleeves.

"That's preferable." A smile flicking across her face

"She did have a big part in my choosing that particular apartment. As soon as I walked in I could see us...there. I could see the two of us  in the kitchen, laughing as we cooked together, guiding her through the steps. Her hips swaying to the music that was playing as she stirred. I could see us together on the couch watching tv together, wrapped in a blanket. I could see her sitting on the balcony, cup of coffee in hand as she watched the sunrise. I could see us, I could see our life in that apartment and I knew this was the one." I could feel the smile coming across my face as those images flashed in my minds eye again. Having a proper home with someone seemed like such a simple and almost innocent dream but it was one of my biggest ones. While, I had a home back in Suffolk, I hardly stayed there. I was never in one place long enough for it to really feel like home. Not to mention I built it with family in mind and without that, it felt empty, almost bittersweet. Now that I had the freedom to stay in one place, even if it was only for a couple months, I wanted to fully embrace it.

"You keep saying I see us and I see her. You never once said you saw yourself  there and never answered my question. Does that mean you was planning on asking her but changed your mind due to her aversion?"

She brought up a good point. Could I see myself, just myself there? Or was I so wrapped up in what could be? Living in a fantasy land. Did I love that apartment because it reminded me of her or did I love the space itself? As for the moving in bit...I was known for jumping the gun a bit. I am, and probably will always be, A hopeless romantic. I hope life never hardens me to the point that I'm not. However, this was the first time I had the privilege of being able to ease into things. I had no where I had to be. No touring, no interviews, no promos. Free to do whatever I wanted. I had time to build up a relationship. This had been what I had been telling myself but since when does feelings follow logic?

"No, I wasn't. I'd love for her to live there with me someday but she's right, it's too soon. I did give her a key though, in hopes that she would feel more welcomed and stay more. " My eyes drop back to the floor, "She never just drops by, like maybe she's afraid of wearing out her welcome or spending too much time with me. It makes me wonder if she thinks we'll tire of each other if we're together all the time."

Just another dark thought that had made itself a nice home in the back of my mind. She made it seem like her and Mike were always together. As much as I hate to admit it, I was slightly jealous. For me, being able to spend an extended amount of time with anyone outside my team is rare since I'm always on the road. I know just how lonely the road can get and I don't expect her to take off work and tour with me, so I want to get every little morsel of time with her I can get before I hit the road again. I want to make a strong foundation that can withstand the distance. I've got the rare opportunity to do so and I don't want to waste it.

"With everything you've told me, It sounds like you want her to depend on you, like you don't want her to have a life outside of you and I have to admit, that's raising some concerns." Her eyebrows pulled together, her fingers steepling, "You should want her to have her own life, to be independent. That's a healthy relationship. To rely solely on you isn't healthy, that's controlling."

I quickly wave my hands, my head shaking , "No, no, that's not what I meant at all. I'm all for her having her own life. That's one of the things I like about her. She doesn't ask me for anything. I bought her groceries once because I added loads of stuff to her cart and I felt like since there was a lot of additions she normally wouldn't get, it was only fair. She actually seemed pretty insulted but didn't want to cause a scene."

I thought back to all the times I had gotten on to her about her meal choices and her comment about not needing another dad. Had I came off as controlling, bossing her around? That wasn't my intention, I was just worried about her, not wanting to see her work herself into exhaustion. It came from a caring place, not a controlling place. My fingertips came up, kneading my forehead. I remember Levi saying the best intentions can cause the most harm, a phrase that had stuck with me ever since he said it. It had seemed like such an odd, out of place thing to say at the time but I'm beginning to see what he meant now. I may have meant well but I very well could be doing damage. "And for having her rely solely on you for emotional support? You strike me as the ride in on a white horse, let me fix the problem type guy, which again, isn't exactly what you'd call healthy."

As much as I'd like to argue with that statement, she had me there. I did like to take it upon myself to fix things. Like when we were in that diner and that guy was being a creep. I stepped in and took over. It didn't even cross my mind that she could have handled it until afterwards. I just wanted to put an end to it as quickly as possible. Even if it wasn't really my problem to fix. Good intentions can cause the most harm all over again. I wasn't the type to stand idly by and watch someone hurting without trying to fix it. That's just not me and I hope I'll never grow to be that heartless. I can, however see her point and I have the suspicion that Adi isn't the type that's going to be okay with me swooping in all the time making her problems disappear.

"I don't want her to rely on just me. If that's what you got out of this, there's been another miscommunication." I could hear how clipped my sentences were, so I took a deep breath in order to adjust my tone, "I just want to be let in is all. For her to feel safe enough to tell me things Would I like to be the first person she wants to tell things too? Yes. Do I want to be the only one she tells things to? Of course not. As for the whole white horse bit, Normally, I am. Not because I want to control but because I can't stand seeing people hurting when I can do something. That being said I know damn well the whole chivalrous act isn't exactly going to work with her. She seemed pretty used to handling everything on her own. I'm happy just being..." I pause, searching for the right word,  "Support?" My eyes screwing shut as I thought, deciding it was as good of word as any,  "As much as I'd love to jump in and make everything better, I'm content with standing behind her, only helping her when she asks for it."

"You say that, yet, you've expressed how," She flipped back a few pages, "I want to be able to fix any problems her ex caused."

I felt a little spark of anger, "Of course I want to fix it. She deserves the best. What's wrong with that? I care about her, so it's only natural I'd want to fix it." My voice slightly heated.

"You can't fix the problem Ed, that's what I'm trying to get in your head." She sounded slightly irritated now, "It's something she has to do. She's the one that has to work through it. You can't fight the battle for her, as much as you want to, you just can't. It's her battle."

"So, what, I'm supposed to just sit back and watch her struggle? Sorry, no, that's not going to happen."

Her calling out in her sleep, crying about standing there not helping was forefront in my mind. My vision blurred as my hands curled into fists again. No, I wasn't going to stand idly by and watch her hurt when I could do something about it. Even if was something as simple as keeping those dreams at bay. I'd gladly sacrifice a couple hours of sleep to make sure she never had to go through another one of those dreams again.

"No, Ed, that's not what I meant and you know it."

I took a deep breath, exhaling sharply through my nose. I honestly didn't know how to just be support. I've always felt the need to protect the ones close to me. Paired with some pretty strong feelings of jealousy and the need of establishing what was mine. What's mine...maybe Linda's right, maybe I am controlling but not in the conventional way. The fact that I was a jealous, no, insecure. That's the root of it. I was insecure. That's where the jealousy came from. The fear they'd find better. Either way, it was something that I didn't like about myself. I never thought of it as controlling, since I never went out of my way to stop any of my exes from doing whatever they'd felt like.

"Maybe you're right...as much as I don't want to admit it, I do tend to go out of my way to let the shifty looking guys know when a lady is with me. It's not something I'm proud of but it can sometimes get carried away.

"Well, that's something we can work on if you'd like."

"Yeah...yeah okay." I nod eagerly.

She just offered a smile as a response before continuing on. "Now, I'd like to revisit your fight. Specifically the part where you said you saw your life in that apartment."

"Oh...okay, sure." Slightly thrown by the focus on that particular piece of information

. "You sound like you have some pretty strong feelings. Do you love her?"

I scoff, "Love?" I shake my head, "No, it's too soon to be thinking that."

What a thought, love, this early. That is exactly what I'm known for though. The romantic guy. The guy who's quick to fall head over heels. So, really was it that crazy that she'd suggest it. More importantly, was she right? No, it's infatuation. That's all. The line between love and lust is a thin one. I'm feeling the lust hard. Just your good, ol fashioned lust. Nothing more.

"They say love follows no schedule."

"It's not love. I'm not sure what this is. I've never quite felt this way before. I've never dated someone like her before." I admitted sheepishly, " Someone who keeps me in check. Who doesn't treat me different cos of who I am. Who calls me out on my bullshit. Grounds me when my ego starts to get out of control and she has no clue she even does it. That's the best part.  Y'know, in the heat of out fight she actually looked me in the eyes and straight up said I'm not famous to her. You're just Ed. Do you know how long it's been since i've been just Ed to anyone other than my mates back home? It's refreshing. It's the first time I felt like someone was dating me for me."

That's the feeling. Nostalgia. I hadn't had a girl like Adi since my very first girlfriend, way back before I was famous. She was there at the beginning, through my struggles and she was there for my success. That very success was the death sentence for our relationship. I was always gone, she was lonely and we just fell apart. We were young and dumb, thinking love would conquer all and keep us together. Long story short, it didn't. Adi didn't seem too concerned about it. Either she was really confident or really naive. I don't think she knows just how hard it's really going to be.  Linda quickly pulled me from my thoughts.

"You've said dating a couple times. I know you said you weren't exactly sure what this was since you hadn't sat down and had the talk yet. Did you?"

"Yeah, that was the outcome of our fight. She blurted out 'my lego building boyfriend' and didn't realise it until I pointed it out." A smirk gracing my face, "That pretty much ended our fight and it shifted to the big talk. By the end of it we made it official. She kept my key and I'm meeting her friends this weekend. So she went from we need to slow things down to you're my boyfriend all because we finally talked and cleared the air."

"That's progress, yet you still look upset."

The smirk was quick to leave, replaced by a frown, "I'm nervous. She doesn't know the tabloid gossip. She doesn't know just how bad things really were with the drug use and partying but they do. Levi was on the fence about me for a while, hell he still could be for all I know." I shook my head, "I'm worried once she finds out, we'll be over. I'm still in shock that we're even together now after I fell off the wagon." I swallowed, "When she showed up that day...I was so fucked up I didn't see her standing there, I saw the woman who used and played me. I thought she was going to do the same thing Al did. Use me to further herself. Once I heard magazine all common sense went out the window, replaced with 'Oh god not again.' I was right back in that mess, being taken advantage of. She just seemed too good to be true. The last time I felt that, I was right. I just assumed the worst. I'm just stuck in the past and it almost costed me...but..." I hesitate, the words caught on the tip of my tongue, "no....nevermind." "Safe space Ed. It stays between us." She gently reminded me.

"I wonder just how desperate is she to stay with someone like me? To look past all that shit. Most would have walked then and there. Why would she put herself through this? Misery loves company and I'm afraid my bad habits are going to rub off onto her."

She was so upbeat and bright when I first met her. She was like a raging wildfire. One month with me and that wildfire is nothing but a small ember. Dim and flickering, just barely staying lit. It almost felt like leaving would do her a kindness. Saving her before that spark went out for good.

"Didn't she tell you she understood what you were feeling. Maybe she knows what she saw that day isn't the real you."

"I don't know what's the real me anymore...what if that is the real me?"

That thought had been resting in my head for a long time now. What if I was stuck in this cynical mindset from now on? Stuck holding everyone to mistakes of the past, never being able to move forward. You can only get burnt so many times. Eventually you're going to wonder if it's really worth it the chance. Was those dark thoughts going to be my permanent mindset from here on out or just the dark before the light breaks?

"That's what we're here trying to figure out. But I don't think that's you for one minute and I'm guessing neither does she."

"Well I wouldn't know...she won't tell me and it pisses me off. I don't know who did this to her but I wish I did." I mutter bitterly

"So you can fix it?" Her eyebrow rising?

Ah. She's got me there.

"Not just that. So I don't make the same mistakes. She's already said I reminded her of him when I scold her. And when I pointed out it sounded like he just cared, which I realise now probably wasn't the best thing to say, she got understandably upset. 'He did. Until he didn't.'  I don't want to be like him. So i'd want to know what to avoid."

She nodded, scribbling something down."Does it piss you off because she won't let you in or because she was put in this position to begin with?"

"Both." I state without any hesitation, "In the back of my mind I'm just worried she's never going to be comfortable enough to tell me."

"It's like I said. It's a battle she has to fight herself but not by herself. She'll let you in when she's ready, not when you're ready."

I knew there was going to be no rushing her. No amount of coaxing, pushing or persuading was going to get her to do anything she didn't want to do. This would be no different. I just had to sit back and wait, as much as I didn't want to.

"I know I shouldn't be hung up on the past but...the way she avoids talking about anything even remotely related to her ex. And it's not just her, Levi was the same way. It's like some unspoken rule between them or something." My frustration evident in my tone, "I know there's the whole don't speak about your ex to your new partner thing but this is ridiculous. He's such a huge looming presence of her, over us, really and it worries me a lot. I know she didn't get closure, so I guess I'm just worried that...she'd run right back to him given the chance." I could feel the hot sting of tears, "The way she talked about him...it's like..." I couldn't finish the sentence, so I took a deep breath. "There's so much history there. I can't compete with that. I'm fucked if he ever comes to his senses and shows back up."

I didn't even try to stop the tears this time. They freely fell as I spilled my biggest worry. That I would do until something better came along. That I was just a distraction from him. That I'd be tossed aside if he came back. You wouldn't need to fill in a boy toy about your feelings or past. You'd just give them enough to keep them on the hook. That maybe she was just telling me things I wanted to hear to keep the charade going until he came back. The majority of my brain told me that wasn't the case, that everything she's said was true but that voice in the back of my head wasn't always a small one. Sometimes it screamed and pounded, drowning out everything else.

"If you're that worried about it, you need to address it. You're so caught up with her feelings you're neglecting your own. Your feelings are just as important as hers. I'm sure she wouldn't be too pleased if she knew you were holding back something like this."

"Well, fuck, why should I be the only one spilling my guts? She's obviously in no hurry." I spit, brushing away the remaining tears.

I wasn't sure where this sudden anger had came from. I felt so raw and vulnerable. Like I wasn't in control of my emotions. They were just pouring out of me now, swinging from one to the next. This was one ride I wanted to get off of as soon as possible. It was terrifying.  

"Is that how you think a relationship works? That it's an even give and take?" There was a sharpness to her tone, "If that's the case, you're highly mistaken. When she can only give 10% you've got to provide the other 90. Withholding stuff out of spite is no way to have a relationship. The only thing you're doing is hurting yourself  in the long run."

My anger died down a bit, "So, what I'm just supposed to go 'hey, I'm worried if Mike showed up on your doorstep you'd dump me like yesterday's rubbish?'"

"Not in those exact words, but if that's how you feel, then yes. You've transitioned from potential relationship to actual relationship, so you should feel a bit more safe expressing things now."

She's right. Of course she's right. I'm being a child. How is me holding all this in helping either one of us? How can I expect her to open up to me when I'm acting like a spoiled brat. I could feel my face growing warm.

"Could I get you to write a note telling her the same thing?" I cracked a smile, "I'm kidding. Besides she told me she was seeing someone anyway and they told her pretty much the same thing." I grin, "It's not you is it?"

"If I was, you know I couldn't tell you."

"Yeah, yeah, I know." I felt a sigh escape my lips, "So, you're saying I should lead by example? If I open up more, it could cause her to tell me more?"

"Ed, what are you afraid of?"

"Well, lots of things, heights, belly buttons, hairless cats in sweaters-"

"You know that's not what I meant." I fought the urge to glare at her but she was just doing her job after all.  What was I afraid of really? What was I so worried about finding out. What was the one thing that always plagued me, not just with her, but in every relationship.

"The truth. That her feelings will never be the same as mine. I've always been the one that's felt things stronger and quicker. At first, I thought maybe she was the same. She showed up to a diner in pyjamas for fucksakes, not to mention stayed the entire weekend with me. She seemed quick to throw caution to the wind and I went, 'Yes, I found my match. Someone who's as much of a romantic as I am. This is gonna be easy.'"

"No relationship is easy all the time. The honeymoon phase is over. This is where the real work begins. The rose coloured glasses are off and her flaws are starting to show."

"So...it's never going to be like it was before?" I felt my heart sink.

"Is that a bad thing? You're down to the meat and bones now. The real part."

I thought back to all the nights spend on the floor building legos, the Friday nights at Uni, the lazy Sundays in bed. The silly arguments about nothing important. The way her eyes almost disappeared when she really got laughing, her hand waving me off. The way she played with her food, the way she'd overplay her reactions just to get a laugh. I couldn't remember the last time I had heard her laugh. Or even seen her smile for that matter. Not like she did when I first met her. The fact that all that could be gone was painful.

"No, I guess in theory it's not, but I liked the Adi I met. The Adi that danced like no one was watching, the one that took me on a guided tour of the city, with some very questionable and hilarious  commentary. Is it wrong that I want her back to her cheerful happy self?"

"Ed, everyone, and I mean everyone, puts their best self out at the beginning. That doesn't mean it’s a lie, it just means there's more to them."

Her words stirred up a series of images, the distant, longing look in her eyes the night I met her and she thought she was alone on the roof. The look of sadness when she was at the diner talking about her parents, caught up in her memories. Anytime she thought she was alone that look was there, quickly evaporating when I made myself known. That's when it clicked.  

"I wasn't wrong when I said I thought I met my match. I was just wrong about what part. I've spent this entire time thinking I caused all this.  I never stopped to think it was there the entire time and she was hiding it. It's the exact same thing I do."

"What made you come to that conclusion?"   "You did, when you said the honeymoon phase was over and that everyone puts their best self forward. It was all an act Lin! She has to believe in me enough to take off the mask!"

There was an odd sort of relief that accompanied that revelation. The fact the blame wasn't laid all on me felt like a giant dark cloud had lifted. I had perked up considerably since that revelation. Linda gently reminded that this was just another assumption and that this was a marathon, not a sprint. By the end of the session I felt considerably lighter, a plan forming in my mind as I headed back to my car. I knew exactly what I going to do next. 

[sustainhealthmagazine]

Treasure Island with Bear Grylls the Interview

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We wanted to find out more from the main man himself behind the Island and what’s going to be happening.

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This is the first time you’ve dropped money on to the island, what made you decide to shake up the series in this way?

Well this is something I've wanted to do with the show for a while. It's been a natural evolution, you know? With season one the whole premise was just totally original, then we've gone through so many of the big things in society that are powerful and relevant for people, from ageism to wealth to gender and this was the last one that we purposefully, I personally, held back until now. But we always knew, it's such a powerful force in all of our lives and it can have such pull for good and bad that once we introduced this it would be a whole new level. It feels like it's happening at the right time, having done these other angles on the show before, but this one was always going to be a crowning glory really. What happened was amazing, it really was.

You mentioned that you think this is the right time to introduce money, what do you mean? 

Well, I think with money, so much of society is driven by it. I understand it, it's natural, but it's such a powerful force in everyone's life. But it's interesting because ultimately money is neutral, it's us that distils power to it and I always think money amplifies what we are.

It really does expose human nature, doesn't it?

It does. I think the island full stop does that. It just amplifies so much of who we are and it strips it right back. Looks, material things and all the things that society places so much value on, and so actually, if you don't have it and it's taken away what do you really value? And then you start dropping money back into the equation and it's like dropping grenades onto this island, it really was like that. We would watch the footage come back every day and we'd be like, "Oh wow!" You couldn't anticipate how people reacted and you never know what people's characters are like. You never know them really well because it's just words, and until I hear you're good under pressure, you never really see what people are made of and that's the art of the island. 

What were you shocked about the most when you saw people's reactions to the cash?

How powerful the draw is, and how people's values can change when they get dazzled. That's the flip side of the coin and the positive so that by the end it was incredibly inspiring seeing people's journeys of looking in that mirror and saying actually, "What is this for? How much does it mean to be able to do good things with this and help people and support people and let's start to plan amazing things for other people." Suddenly you see this light starting to shine through the cracks. I'm always interested, and we gave people an amnesty at the end, for a day, where everybody had to declare what they had. It's such a driving force in society and we wanted to say, "Hold on. What's the real value of it and what are the lessons from this”, you know?

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Do you think the way they all deal with the money will spark arguments between viewers over what they would do in that situation?

Yeah! There is going to be so many arguments like that. I think one of the lessons is that the real wealth in all our lives isn't always found just in hard currency. What are you after, money or happiness? Surely happiness matters more and do you need money for that happiness? I do think that sitting with those guys around that fire at the end, there was a real sense of what we have in life, these shared experiences show perspective on life and perspective on our families back home and our perspective on our work and our own values, it is priceless, you know that matters more than just some cash in your pocket. There's something beautiful when people realise that the real wealth in their lives is found in relationships. It's a really beautiful thing to experience for yourself and it's a beautiful thing to see in other people, especially when they've had a real journey, when it didn’t start off like that. 

One islander Ben said he went on the island obsessed with the trappings of wealth, came off the island and within weeks had sold all his watches and his car…

Ben had a pretty strong argument for saying he really found riches on the island. And that's a really cool, positive thing from Treasure Island.

What are your thoughts about money?

Well I think it's always easy for somebody who has money to go, "It's not a driving force of my life." So I'm mindful of that, and I don't want to belittle it because people have real battles financially. All of us are different, but for me the raw pursuit of money has never been a huge driver for me, that's just the honest truth, it really hasn't, otherwise I would have never joined the Army! I would have become a numbers guy maybe, because I would say the chances of what's ended up as my career working out is so small. I say this to my teenage boys that there's been a huge amount of luck involved in my career, and if I'd have been after just money, I would have picked a different career in the outset.

I mean, as a young person I just wanted to really follow my heart and I loved adventure, loved the relationship with people under pressure on a big mountain or in a jungle or on an island, I've always thrived off that. So that's been a much more motivated thing for me. I do think at the same time, my dad used to say, "If you really do what you really love, not always but pretty often, money will kind of follow. But chase the money and it's a bit like a butterfly, it will fly away. But if you just keep on doing what you're doing and then a butterfly comes around it's a nice surprise." I'm not saying it's always like that, but it's felt like a little bit in my life. I've loved adventure and the survival side of things and doing that has brought me my career.

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You don’t seem to be someone who chases fame either, we don't see you at many showbiz parties or on red carpets?

Well I think, none of that is real, it really isn’t! I see it so often in people and especially Running Wild guests, a number of people talk about that and they're seeing the whole cycle. If you chase that stuff, it's so transient and it's never enough. I am telling this to myself as much as you, you've just got to remember this stuff's not real. The real stuff in your life is found in your relationships with those you love. It's your family, your children, and trying to find work that is fulfilling and makes you smile. And the other side of it is that I'm not only quite shy at those sort of events, I don't actually enjoy them. I have a much more extroverted sister who's always going, "God you're rubbish at these things." She'd love it, she'd love to go to all those parties and events, I just find it very uncomfortable, it's just not my natural place. I love being with good friends, sat with your over the wall somewhere, I'm genuinely more comfortable then and I enjoy that. I love the mountains, I love being in these places with great friends. But being at a big party and being in a big room of people and it's all loud, there's an awful lot of showing off, there really is. I actually haven't been to something for so long that I swore this summer that I would go to one. I won't say what it was, but I went to one of the big parties in London and after 10 minutes I was like, “This is why I don’t come, this is such a dark side of society. Every guest was desperate to tell everyone else how famous and successful they are and it just makes me curl in a ball.

What did you think when you found out that Ivar Mountbatten was on the island? 

Well the casting is so key on the island, you know, it's getting that right and trying to get a fair cross section of society. But when it comes to dropping money, it's just another interesting dynamic to have somebody who is a Lord. At one point I think he was arguing saying he had more need of the money because his mortgage was bigger and he has school fees for the kids. I can see the logic but that's an example of where views can differ. Some people will listen to him and wouldn't necessarily see it like that, it’s very interesting.

Mano is a leading brain surgeon and says his time on the island has made him better at his job, he feels he has more clarity of thought to deal with intense operations. what do you think about that?

That's amazing, see that's cool, that's not just about happiness, actually now you're saying it's made him more efficient. That's the main thing, you're less clouded by crap. What a waste of energy is all these envy and greed emotions are for all of us. It’s such a waste of emotion. I love that story of Mano, that's great.   

Jack was branded the Mowgli of the island and you praised his behaviour on the island…

I really meant it, his journey was incredible, he has my full respect. He did that the hard way. Through cheerfulness and through kindness and through helping other people and by selflessness and it really, really shines bright as you watch those episodes. It's not rocket science, but it's incredibly difficult when you're blinded and dazzled by cash. You know? It's very easy, everyone talks like this when I'm driving them in on the boat. And I smile because I know as soon as the bright lights come on and that cash is waved, people act differently and sure enough you don't know who any of the real heroes are until you're really under pressure, you're really hurting, you're really hungry, thirsty, scared and then £100,000 is waved in front of your face. Then you learn about who the heroes are. And Jack was one of them.

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What motivates you to keep working when you don’t have to given the success you’ve had?

I really love it, and The Island is a great example of what I love in that you go and take these guys off to the edge of the world and you see that light and pride in their eyes when they come back. It is a quiet, respectful, humble, confidence that you cannot buy anywhere. Your money can't buy it, you've got to earn it, you've got to earn this through blood, sweat, endeavour, massive failure, you've got to learn it by facing fears, you learn these lessons on The Island and those that endure, invariably have this feeling at the end. I see it every time. There's a light in their eyes, it's quiet assurance, and it's really powerful. So I did this stuff, why? Same reason why I'm Chief Scout. It's about the outdoors and what scary, tough, cold and desperate experiences give people, is that quiet sense of we need each other, and sometimes you’ve got to reach out a hand, together we're stronger, and I can be really proud of myself. We see that through The Island, we see that through the Scouts, we see it through Running Wild, and it's the reason I do my job. 

What would make you want to call it a day then? Can you see that day happening?

Well I would love to do a lot of all of this stuff, but without being filmed! That’s the answer to that! The bit I struggle with is being on camera. I actually find it difficult, I don't really enjoy having a camera pointed at me. So I think maybe there would be a day where we just do this without the cameras. But I want an adventure and the empowerment of these experiences always to be part of my life. Whether it's through kids or grandchildren or great-grandchildren, what a cool thing to have in your life, why give that up?

You mention Running Wild, you've taken some amazing famous figures and political figures into the wild, is there anybody else you would love to take out on your adventures with you?

Yeah, the list of great guests grows. But the one thing I've learned is that I don’t talk about who are target list is until we've got them! We're lucky with that show, we just keep attracting amazing individuals. I'm very grateful for that privilege to show them our amazing world. 

Shows like Treasure Island and Running Wild is about getting people outdoors. Why do you think it's more important than ever to get people outdoors? 

I think it’s because we grow so much, it's where character develops, you know? It is what Baden Powell the founder of Scouting said, "A week in the field is worth a year in the classroom." Scouting is based on that and I see it with all our TV shows, it's the same thing. When speak to the guys once they are off the island, “What do you learn by sitting through a typhoon with no shelter, no fire, you’re cold, hungry, you can't learn that in an office”. There is something intangible, but our shows are rich in friendships and in hardships and they never give up spirit. Ultimately that's what the outdoors, and the wild teaches us. If we learn these things there, we become so much more powerful in life because we think, "Oh this bit's easy. I remember that time we were stuck in that jungle or stuck wherever," you know? And that empowers you, it's all about being empowered for your everyday life. These guys aren't going to go back to another island in a hurry, but they're going to use these lessons they've learned about wealth and each other and that sometimes putting your head down and keeping going helps you for the rest of your lives, you know?

 Do you think the more we get outdoors, the more inclined people are going to be to save our planet? 

Yeah, I mean that's definitely the other side of it. To understand why the whole climate change mess is so important, you've got to see it. That's the reason Barack Obama wanted to go on the journey with me, he'd studied the science and he said, "I've seen all the science, I understand that, but I want to see it." And I think when you stand up close you see the effects of climate change closer, whether it's some animals who, like on Hostile Planet, the show I did where you actually see the devastating effect on wildlife all around the world from climate change, you see litter on an island in the middle of the Pacific. That's the classroom, isn't it, for all of those guys on this show, one of the lessons they came back with is they're never going to throw a bit of plastic onto the ground because they've seen it on an island.

Does your heart drop when you see all the impact of what we are doing to the planet? 

I really see it all over the world, everywhere I go. We come from a generation where the older people debate it and young people want to solve it, and I see that. I've just been to the World Scout Jamboree in America, 50,000 young kids from all over came from different countries all united in a message that we have to tackle climate change. We have to sort out plastic.We have to reduce fossil fuels. This isn't like, “Let's debate whether or not it's a good idea”, this is like, “Do it, do it, do it”. I'm proud to encourage that in these guys and trying to shine a light where it's most powerfully seen. I feel like it gives us all hope when you've got kids like that, being such loud voices for others, but it's got to come from the politicians, you know? So that’s why having Narendra Modi in the wild was so powerful, I did that show because he said, "My vision is to clean up India." And the message is you've got to do it. Words are words, you've got to actually do it, you've got to lead. So taking him on that journey was important. 

We need to get you with Donald Trump because he doesn't believe in any of it…

I know! I think Ivanka really understands it and I'm always hopeful that there are not many people who don’t get persuaded to do things by their daughters, so I just really hope that her understanding on this will rub off, eventually, on him. Let's pray! 

You've done so much, you've achieved so much, have you got anything left on your bucket list that you still want to tick off?

Well, you know, all the things of achievement, all of that is tins and pots, you know, tins and pots, nothing more. The real wealth, like Treasure Island says, is around us all and in our relationships, in our family, and that’s a constant thing, you never stop giving to and trying to invest in and protect and treasure. So yeah I love all the TV shows we do as a team, I'm super proud of being Chief Ambassador in World Scouting and the influence that young people can have there. Our Be Military Fit legacy, that’s really important to me because that's so rooted in our veterans and empowering them with businesses after they leave the military. But all of this stuff is the same thing really, it’s about empowering people through adventure, and I hope I'll do that for a while. 

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