#my plan is kinda.. stay at the studio for a few months as like. purely for weekends

[aidenwaites]

Library job,,, soon,,,

[sombreboy]

Expensive doll⇢jjk & pjm

[ masterlist ] Serves as an afterstory for our series Mused Obsession, but can be read on its own. 

Written together with @chimoona​ as JM and @sombreboy​ as JK

Synopsis: In celebration of their one year anniversary, Jungkook dresses Jimin up in lingerie & makeup as his picture-perfect doll and ruins him in every way he desires.

⇢Explicit (18+) ⇢Pairing: Jungkook & Jimin ⇢Genre: smut, mxm ⇢Word count: 15.7k ⇢Ch.warnings: Profanity, JM dressing in lingerie and wearing makeup, messy kissing, degrading petnames and dirtytalk, breathplay, bj, praise kink, JK's fetish for crybaby JM remains intact, body worship, foot fetish JK literally slorps JM's petite little foot and it is v erotic join us feet hoes, some biting, mentions of blood(from a sharp stiletto lol dw), ok hold up and stay w me here JK rides JM but he is in no way a bottom, this is some top ridin' stuff to drive Jm mad and let me tell you it works, then JK puts little JM back in his place where he belongs stuffed with dick, rough fucking, in fact its so rough that JM can't hold his pee im not even sorry-- it was hot, idk what else if you've read any of my stuff you should just kinda know what you're up for. xo

The chime of the security alarm strikes the quiet mansion as Jungkook shuts the door behind him, kicking off his shoes in a hurry. He hugs luxury shopping bags close to his chest, trembling with excitement. He'd been holding onto the bags at work to ensure Jimin didn't see them for days, which felt like months—especially today, to finally come home to his favorite person in the entire universe and spend their first official anniversary together.

It's been an entire year since Jimin proved his love and dedication to the photographer, and life couldn't be any better than it is now. They're unstoppable, thriving as the biggest names in the industry. With a lot of fame—a lot more on Jimin's end—comes a lot of work and less time together, except for when they manage to crawl into bed at the end of the day. So, Jeon Jungkook wanted to make tonight extra special. He'd missed having Jimin truly just for himself; not just as a boyfriend, but as a model and his muse.

"Baby, I'm home." Jungkook calls out as he eyes the rooms, listening to where Jimin could be. He knows the model had the day off, so the younger man had given him a little white lie—he wouldn’t be able to make it home early. Yet here he is, giddy like a child and ready to surprise his beloved butterfly.

"Come to me~" He adds cheerfully while walking towards the stairs, searching for Jimin when he hears the small thuds of his lover's light footsteps.

"K-kookie?" Jimin calls from their bedroom, rubbing his sleepy eyes after a long nap. He nearly jumped out of his skin when he heard Jungkook arrive.

Thinking he had more time to get dressed and ready for their night together, he's caught, fresh from restful sleep, wearing only an oversized t-shirt and tight black briefs. The night was planned to a T...in Jimin's mind. A brand new suit hung in the walk-in closet, designed and tailored specifically for his body. He knows how the young photographer likes to ogle when the fabric of his pants hugs his plump cheeks daringly, almost too tight for a public setting.

But tonight, there will be no public outing. No distractions from the outside world, getting in the way of their time together.

As high-profile as the two men have grown over the last year, they've found it hard to take a leisurely night out on the town without being spotted by a fan of their work or an industry mate trying to cut into their fun. It's been a rollercoaster, but it's been the thrill of their lives. Even then, it's necessary to plan nights of relaxation and indulgence. So, Jimin set out candles and dipped ruby ripe strawberries in milk chocolate, planning a romantic night with just the two of them. He even chilled a bottle of overpriced champagne—a gift from Namjoon, hand-delivered for the happy couple. It was assumed that since Jungkook was working late, the ambiance of a well-kept home and a willing partner was all he wanted anyhow... Until, of course, Jimin glides down the stairs and spots his lover with armfuls of bags. Designer bags.

"Welcome h-ooome," he yawns, still finding his voice, "And happy anniversary, baby." He leans in and stands on his toes, pressing his body into the bags held at Jungkook's chest to give him a sweet kiss. "I missed you a lot...and I cleaned up too, but I guess I fell asleep at some point. I was going to get all pretty for you, so just pretend I'm dressed up right now."

“You’re gorgeous, baby.” Jungkook smiles into the kiss, returning it softly. He pulls back to drink in the fresh state Jimin is in. No makeup, barely dressed... It's like the visionary’s plans were fated to happen. “And this is perfect for what I have planned for you. A clean canvas, so to speak.” The young photographer adds as he hands over the bags to his lover. “Take off everything you’re wearing and put this on, nothing else. And bring the small bag with you to the studio.” He leans in closer to allow the hot breath of every spoken word to fan over Jimin’s cheek, whispering his next words. “I’ll be waiting for you. Okay? Now go.”

Accustomed to following the photographer's orders, Jimin doesn't waste a moment scurrying to the bathroom and peeling off his shirt on the way in. He kicks off his underwear and sits on the closed toilet seat to skim through the first bag's contents. The second he runs his hands over smooth silk ribbons and lace, his heart leaps out of his chest. 

Lingerie. Women's lingerie, he notes internally as his fingers skim the fabric with a timid touch. It feels small in his hand, and he already knows it's not meant to cover much. Jungkook has always been an appreciator of visual art, and in the back of Jimin's mind, he always knew this moment would come. The female form can be voluptuous and sensual—soft to the touch and comforting when held close. 

Without taking the lingerie out to inspect it closely, Jimin knows this look is made to illuminate his feminine traits—to hug the small of his waist and accentuate the curve of his hips, prominently displaying some of his lover's favorite parts with exaggerated flair.

As a former full-time model, Jimin doesn't think twice about indulging this new request from Jungkook. He's been half-naked in front of strangers in very scandalous clothing, it's only right he indulges his partner with the same courtesy, under his exact specifications. 

He sets the smaller bag aside and removes the clothing, gasping at the bright red shade the younger man had chosen. It looks like fresh blood as he tugs it onto his small body—ribbons drip down his legs to capture the matching set of pure red stockings. When he slips them over his legs, they stop at the feet, hugging them tight and showing the delicate curve of his arches.

A slender garter belt cinches high around his waist and rests low on his hips, made of a thin weave of lace that opens up at the belly button to show off the cute dip of his tummy. Not even fully dressed, he feels pretty...desirable. With each new addition, he feels his confidence grow, matching the opulent fit his love has chosen for their special occasion. Jimin grasps the silk ties that dangle off the belt and loop them into the stockings, holding them tight against his body and matching the two pieces as one. He takes his time to billow the ties into eye-catching bows, adding more of a feminine flair to his long slender legs. 

He opens another bag and clasps his hand over his mouth, pulling out an accompanying bralette, so fair and petite. It's soft on his skin. Everything feels so soft and erotic, like it was crafted to draw moans from his mouth before he's even touched by warm hands. The gentle graze of the lace over his nipples makes him bite his lower lip to push back building arousal. When he crosses his legs to finish clasping the bralette behind his back, he feels the rub of new lace against his cock, only drawing his attention to the fact that women's underwear does not provide enough room to hold him fully. If he gets harder, which he's certain he will, it will be impossible not to poke out and dribble over the rouge fabric.

Once Jimin empties the bags and slips every bit of clothing onto his body, he steps back to admire the full look. Even in the dim bathroom mirror, he finds every little bit of his form jaw-dropping as it's prettily wrapped in red. But no look is complete without a matching set of kitten heels, which he slips onto his red silken feet. He immediately notices how the added height accentuates his plump cheeks, out in the open, skimmed down the center with a cheeky thong.

"Woah..." The model takes a few strides across the bathroom floor to get a feel for the new footwear. A few clumsy trips over the tile to get started, but after a couple minutes, his confidence is through the roof. He can stride effortlessly and sway his hips in a subtle yet seductive manner.

"O-okay." He psyches himself up, licking his thick lips in a quick swipe while he drinks in a final look of his fit. He grabs the smallest bag, still unopened, and exits the bathroom to find Jungkook waiting for him in his personal studio.

Meanwhile, Jungkook just finished setting up the finishing touches to his studio and waited for the most important centerpiece of the night. His favorite camera sits on a tripod next to his large armchair, which is to be his spot to admire his creation. He presses record before he forgets to, and knowing how he will soon see his lover in the new lingerie, there'd be no time to think about whether or not the camera captures it all. What he didn't expect, however, was to find the fresh chocolate dipped strawberries, paired with a bottle of champagne. He immediately noted that this wasn't something he had in his own collection, so he figured this was Jimin's preparation for the night.

"So sweet to me, always.." Jungkook sighs dreamily when placing the strawberries and the bottle on the small table next to his chair as he takes his seat. His lover always finds little ways to show his affection; always considerate of Jungkook in everything he does. It's cute, and even if the elder man's plans might not be what he initially thought, Kook is sure that this will surpass anything he had in mind.

"He should be here soon..." He leans back in his seat, still wearing the suit he'd worn all day at work. His strong, tattooed fingers wrap around his tie and tug at it to loosen the fabric a bit. He rolls up the sleeves of his white dress shirt after discarding the suit jacket to let it be thrown on the floor behind the chair. His breathing slows down when he listens intently for the powerful sound of heels coming from the bedroom, echoing in the hallway. Although he knows what to expect, he still doesn't know just how it would look-- how his Jimin would pull off the look. The thick swallow in anticipation causes his adam's apple to bob, already excited as his heart beats harder in his chest.

Jimin bottles his nerves and clicks his heels with slow steps, echoing deliberately on the hard floor until he reaches the studio doorway.

"Don't laugh, okay?" He smirks at his own words, still hidden around the corner of the doorframe, knowing there's no way on earth Jungkook could find this fit humorous. "I'm coming in..."

One step forward, and he's basked in the low light of the photographer's setup. He swallows hard at the first sight of Jungkook, even when he's dressed the same as when he left him. The loosened tie captures his attention, and he swallows again at the thought of holding it while he glides his silken legs over his lover's lap to ride him roughly. The anticipation of what Jungkook has in store for Jimin is overwhelming.

Jimin gives the photographer a moment to gather himself before he walks forward, placing one heel in front of the other and sashaying his hips with each step. The camera blinks red to indicate it's recording, and Jimin doesn't let it distract his attention for a second. He moves in a slow weave, looking up at his partner under a tempting hooded gaze--long eyelashes beckoning him closer. When he reaches the center of the studio, he stops for further instruction, standing with confidence and poise. 

"You chose well, baby. I love it." He gives a slow twirl, pivoting on his slim heel to show off the back, pausing to give the younger man a good look. "...do you like it?"

“I really like it.. I knew you’d look perfect in this.” Jungkook drinks in the entirety of his lover, his heavy gaze not leaving a single inch of the model's body unseen. The lingerie is perfect, covering just enough—but doesn’t hide anything. His hungry eyes travel down the blonde model’s back; from his slender back to his plump ass, not to mention how the posture from the heels make it stand out even more. “Did you bring the small bag?” He asks, beckoning Jimin to come closer with a wave of his hand, itching to feel his delicate body beneath his fingertips.

Jimin nods yes, stepping towards his lover. "I didn't peek, I was good." He says it in an innocent tone, as if he doesn't look like a goddamn succubus in fuck-me heels. A brilliant red strap of his bralette slips down his shoulder, which he takes his time slipping back into place. Even if he feels a bit out of place in this new look, he pulls it off with grace and seduction.

Jimin hands the bag to Jungkook. "I'm sure whatever it is, it'll make this moment even better." He kneels at the photographer's feet in a natural subservient position, resting his elbows on the man's thighs and peering up at him for further instruction.

"Yes." Jungkook says softly while taking the bag in his hands, giving Jimin an approving smile. While his face remains unbothered, the strain of his half erect cock proves that he's anything but. The visuals of the elder in such sinful fabrics drives him crazy, and eager to ruin them in every way he pleases. "You're such a good boy to me. Always trusting me with your everything."

Jungkook digs into the bag, pulling out a small, high end lipstick. He puts the bag to the side, grabbing Jimin's chin with his free hand while popping the lid off the lipstick with his thumb, leaning forward in his seat to get a proper look of his lover's bare face. 

"Pout." He instructs, twirling the little stick to slide the blood red lipstick from hiding, bringing it close to Jimin's plump lips. When the blonde does as told, he gently swipes the crimson color onto the delicate skin of Jimin's lower lip. His cock throbs at how effortlessly it stains his pretty mouth, and he keeps adding more; layer after layer until he's satisfied with the deep, bloody red adorning one of many favorite features of his man. 

"You look like a doll already, so pretty.." Jungkook sighs, a mixture of his adoration and sexual frustration building at the sight. But he's patient, and leans back a bit to inspect his work, moving his hold on the smaller man's jaw to rub his thumb over Jimin's lips, staining the pad of his finger in the process.

A moan presses passed Jimin’s pursed pout. All he’s ever wanted since he met the mysterious man is to be everything for him—there, at his feet, living to serve his deepest desires. To give a taste of his commitment to the role, he swipes his pierced tongue over the finger in a slow motion.

“I can see how hard you’re getting, Kookie...” He takes the thumb between his stained lips and circles his tongue around it, releasing with a light pop. “...seeing me like this, dressed in the underwear you chose...” He peers down at the slick thumb and admires the prominent stain—a perfect shade to match the rest of his ensemble. “...bet you’d love to admire every inch of your creation.” Jimin circles his tongue around the digit once more and pulls it into his mouth, humming his pleasure into the photographer’s skin. He brings a hand up to palm his lover’s stiffening length through unbuttoned pants.

"Mm, you know exactly what I like." Jungkook purrs, glancing down for a moment to watch Jimin's delicate hand touch his hard length, now prominent through the fabrics keeping it hidden. His gaze travels back to the model's face. Seeing Jimin's doe eyes look up at him with such submission, admiration... love. It drives the photographer mad with desire.

"There's so much I wanna do to you." He breathes out, his sentence ending with a quiet moan as he bucks up into Jimin's small palm. When his lust takes over, slowly and steadily, his impulses grow more reckless. "Or make you do, for me.." He adds before swiping his thumb over the lipstick once more, dragging the pad of his digit further past the corner of the model's mouth. A stripe smeared in red adorns Jimin's cheek like a small chelsea smile-effect. Jungkook's hand moves back down to wrap behind Jimin's neck, covering his nape with the warmth of his palm as he leans forward to draw his lover in for a messy kiss, aiding in the destruction of the pretty lipstick he'd just applied. 

A red mess is created between the two, their lips coated with splashes of the color and the taste of chemicals mixing with their saliva. But Kook doesn't care—instead, he enjoys every second of it, forcing his tongue between Jimin's parted lips to claim his mouth.

"Look at you..." Jungkook murmurs when he pulls back, the thick string of saliva connecting their tongues breaking off when he speaks, watching it fall to stick to Jimin's chin. "Your makeup got ruined, what a shame.." The faux concern in his tone is evident in contrast to the pleased fire in his eyes. He takes the lipstick, grabbing the blonde's jaw a bit harder this time to reapply, not bothering to wipe off the already smeared makeup around the lips. "Baby... Take my dick out while I fix this, I'm aching."

Jimin pants, left breathless from the younger man's kiss. "Mm--ah...okay." His hand resumes gentle strokes over the clothed length, just feeling for a moment while he distracts his mind from his own growing erection. The press of his pink swollen cock head tests the integrity of the lace, making it bulge out noticeably. When his hand slips into Jungkook's pants to pet him bare, he can't bite back the whimpers of need that brush his partner's fingers.

"Y-you really are aching." Jimin's mouth salivates, murmuring the words to avoid messing up Jungkook's artwork. "Fuck...so big, baby." The blonde model uses one hand to tug down his lover's pants and underwear while the other maintains a languid pace over his silken skin. He takes a pause to bring his messy lips close, wetting Jungkook's shaft with an audible spit that dribbles down his chin. He's never been perfect at following instructions when arousal fogs his mind. At this moment, he needs to hear the slick sounds of cock in his hand. He needs to feel the warmth of blood pulsating under his touch, stiffening and dripping for more. 

"May I taste you, sir?" He reverts back to his role, asking sweetly, nipping the bottom lip and smudging the lipstick even more. "Please."

“How can I refuse when you ask so sweetly?” Jungkook looks at his creation, already seeing the blonde mess up the lipstick with his spit and nipping of his lips. It both pleased him and annoyed him, but the heavy arousal weighing on him clouds his judgement and makes him more forgiving towards Jimin’s light disobedience. It’s to be expected, and seeing his lips messy and smeared with red while sucking his cock is all the photographer could think of, for now. “If that’s what my baby wants,” he sighs, reaching out to smudge the other end of the corner of the model's mouth, finishing the joker-like smile on his cheeks. 

Kook leans back in his seat again, moving his hands to rest on his thighs. Kook’s gaze is focused on Jimin, drinking in every feature, observing every little movement. He zeroes in on his messy lips, and feels a moan scratching at the back of his throat at the sight. He can’t wait to see his lover turn into a broken mess, one step at a time. 

“Suck it deeply.. take all of it. No teasing.”

To test the waters, Jimin gives a light swipe along the bottom of Jungkook's shaft, drawing his pink muscle up to the tip and swirling it around the leaking slit in tight circles. 

"Mm, uhm—ahh..." Jimin becomes vocal, humming around the thick length as he pops it in and out of his plump lips, watching it twitch with delight each time he strips Jungkook of his building pleasure. Jungkook said not to tease, but the pretty little blonde craves to feel each shudder of arousal. Each touch from him is live-wired to the younger man, and Jimin feels powerful by causing it to happen. Plus, as an added perk, he knows the slow and drawn-out pace will cause more trouble for him in the long-run. And...what's life without a little pain? He anticipates it. He knows, as nicely as he's dressed, his partner can easily turn him into a crying mess without any regard for the flashy fine clothing. No amount of silk and lace can conceal his inner need to be lovingly destroyed. 

With a lasting swipe of his hot tongue across the ridge of Jungkook's tip, Jimin pops it into between his rouge lips, already smearing a bit of the lipstick over the smooth skin. He bobs his head to wet the throbbing cock, spilling his saliva down the length of it with little to no regard for the mess it creates. He knows, better than anyone, the messier he is, the better.

"Ah, mmh—I told you, no teasing..." Jungkook huffs with furrowed brows, focused on how well Jimin takes his girthy length all the way, dragging his tongue against the smooth skin, watching himself get covered in saliva and faint marks of the lipstick.

"Always making it difficult for me, looking so sweet and innocent..." Jungkook licks his lips at the sight of the elder's messy mouth, makeup smearing past his lips and drooling down his chin onto his length. He's sucked the photographer's cock countless times, so he knows exactly how to do it, and his gag reflex had become close to nonexistent. But, that doesn't mean it's not there, one just has to use a bit of force. "But you're anything but innocent, aren't you? Sucking me off like a cockhungry whore." The photographer bites back a moan, unable to keep his hands off of Jimin for too long before he's already weaving his fingers through his lover's blonde curls to get a good grip. He's gentle at first, just feeling the motion of Jimin's head bob up and down his length, wet sounds and whiny, muffled moans filling the room as no other sound is audible inside the isolated space.

"So be it. If you want my cock that badly, then keep sucking." Jungkook tugs at Jimin's hair, forcing his head to move harder and faster. His generous length makes space in the model's delicate throat, forcing the continuous pool of drool to seep from Jimin's mouth to add to the mess, not allowing him to get off to breathe except from his nose.

Jimin crosses his ankles and rests his bare butt on top of the heels. They clack together as he bends forward and bobs his head steadily, opening up his throat to feel Jungkook's wet tip guide the way. Inch by fleshy inch, his lover's cock fills the space within him. It causes his own cock to peek out of the slim red lace and poke Jimin's abdomen as he bends deep. The blonde swallows around Jungkook's fat cock and holds still, warming it as deep as he can possibly bear, forcing himself to wait until he feels lightheaded.

When his lungs burn for breath, he withdraws slowly, tonguing the prominent veins that bulge along his lover's shaft. "Mmf...g-ah—ack!" He chokes on the last couple inches and holds his small palms in the inner curve of Jungkook's thighs for balance. "...Mine. All mine...tastes so yummy," he emphasizes, swiping a bead of precum directly from the leaking slit. Lost in his own little world, feeling pretty yet needy for friction, he wraps a hand around the shaft and strokes it up and down quickly.

" I-I'm your whore, sir." He looks the part—plump lips and cheeks stained with red, stringing long strands of his spit to the younger's twitching head. To the outside world, he's nothing but the most well-kept, straight-laced individual. Here? He lets go entirely, making his body available for use without a care of how someone else perceives him. The only opinion that matters is the man before him. 

Jimin looks down and notices a strap of his bralette had fallen down, only matching his role of sultry temptress...quickly morphing to messy slut. He purposefully lets the other strap fall, looking up at Jungkook with beckoning lashes. 

"Am I doing well?"

"Mm.. Could do better." Jungkook lies, towering over Jimin's small frame on the floor. His long, raven curls fall forward, framing his sharp features. Being in this position, seeing everything from above, makes him feel so utterly powerful. And Jimin's big, glossy eyes meeting his own only adds to the fire that awakens every single hormone in his body.

In reality, Jimin is doing well. In fact, he's doing an amazing job at driving the photographer mad. His cock twitches delightfully in the model's hands, his abdomen tightening in excitement and heart fluttering beneath his heaving ribcage.

"A job well done isn't without your pretty tears, baby." Jungkook says softly, taking deep breaths to keep his voice from wavering too much in pleasure. He strokes his fingers through his lover's bright, silky curls, coaxing him to take him back into his mouth. "Choke on it, but don't make me cum... Just enough to make your eyes sparkle for me."

Jimin chokes on nothing but a quick gasp. "O-of course." He shrinks under Jungkook's commanding gaze and rubs his thighs together, wishing he had permission to adjust his now fully erect cock. To solidify his subservience, on top of his now glassy eyes, he takes another step and clasps his hands behind his back. No ties or cuffs are necessary, although he'd enjoy being bound tight and abused for being a tease—it was the plan all along.

"I love you," he whispers, swallowing down a fresh wave of emotion and looking up to let Jungkook admire the first tear roll down his cheek. The wet droplet catches the makeup and slips off his chin to seep into his bright red lingerie. Jimin holds eye contact and sticks out his tongue, showing off the pretty piece of jewelry at the center, right where Jungkook placed it nearly a year ago. He gives a couple testing kitten licks, then hovers his pout over the tip, plunging the full length down his throat without a testing suck. No more teasing, he tells himself, gagging around the fat cock. 

Just as Jungkook demanded, Jimin strips himself of breath until he's crying for relief. Hands still clasped tight and out of the way, he's given himself no way of escape, showing his true resilience and commitment to the task he's given.

“Oh, my Jimin..” Jungkook sighs in pleasure, watching how his hefty length disappears into the welcoming warmth of his lover's throat. The flesh contracts around him when the model gags, squeezing tightly to draw more low moans and grunts from the photographer. “You’re doing so well now.” He praises, brushing his thumb beneath Jimin’s eye to catch a few tears. He’s convinced that although there’s a million types of makeup to make one look perfect, Jimin looks his prettiest when his skin is glowing from the shine of his tears. The way his submissive stare from below is sparkling like little stars, just for Jeon Jungkook. The way Jimin will endure anything to please.

“Nobody is prettier than you.” Jungkook bites his lower lip at the sight below, and grows impatient. He keeps a tight grip on his lover's hair, cock deeply buried in his throat while he stands up from his seat. “Nobody could ever compare to you, butterfly.” He hisses, feeling the heat of his words creep onto his cheeks while meeting the elders glossy eyes. He withdraws his hips slowly, only to thrust forward and lodge the head of his jeweled cock as deep as possible. He sighs, lip quivering at his lover's compliance. It’s too exciting, his body is practically shaking with itching, aggressive longing to destroy Jimin further. Patience, he reminds himself. It is their special night, so he wants to ensure Jimin feels like the most desired human in the universe.

The warming praise gives Jimin the courage he needs to slide his lips up the rigid length, gliding his wet ribbed tongue in gentle sweeps. His throat burns from the intrusion, yet, it's a familiar sensation and it does very little to detract him from bobbing his head and building up the photographer until he's at his brink. Slick, slobbery sucks and the occasional gag and gasp for breath becomes the playlist of their evening. Even the model becomes affected by his own desperate sounds. He wiggles his plump butt in a subtle motion to take his attention off the desire pulsing in his veins. He sucks and tongues, staring up at Jungkook until his vision blurs with a wave of new tears. Jimin rests back on his heels to catch his breath, letting the throbbing cock flop out of his mouth and into his hand, holding it firm and continuing to bring his lover close to the edge without immediate relief.

"Fuck me." The second the words leave his swollen lipstick-smeared lips is the moment he cracks, just a little. Hot tears fall down Jimin's cheeks--hand stroking the soaked length until he's trembling to be touched. "I n-need you, Kookie."

Within what seems like a split second, Jungkook dropped to his knees on the floor in front of Jimin; framing his small face in his large palms to draw him in for a messy kiss. He can taste everything-- the mixture of lipstick and saliva, sullied with the taste of his own cock lingering on the model's tongue. But the highlight of it all is the salty topping of Jimin's tears, a clear result of his effort and submission that he worked himself so hard that his body rejected it-- and yet endured to fulfill the photographer's desires.

"Haah, you need me?" Jungkook chuckles when he pulls back from the heated kiss, lingering close to softly press his lips over Jimin's damp cheeks. His own are stained with a faint red, transferred from the elder's pillowy ones.

"Sure you're not tired of this cock?" He smiles as he continues to kiss away Jimin's tears, tongue poking out to lick his cheek as his hot breath fans his face. While he does so, his hands let go of Jimin's face to smooth down his slender form, snaking behind his back until they settle on his ass, mercilessly squeezing the flesh between his fingers. "After you got a taste of Joonie, maybe I won't be enough?" Jungkook's wolfish smile doesn't falter, knowing this will tug at his lover's heartstrings. His kisses travel south, leaving red sucks and bites to blossom on the model's fair skin in it's path down to find a spot by his collarbone where he sucks harshly, certain that it'll leave a possessive mark behind.

"Joonie?" The tears on Jimin's cheeks glisten under the studio lights. His quivering bottom lip juts out in a pout as he naturally leans into the breath of Jungkook's suckles. The hot, tongued, needy markings become painful. Jimin huffs out a low moan. "Hyung was big...but he doesn't taste like you...fuck--" He takes Jungkook's face between his hands and returns the kiss, mashing their lips together messily, parting his mouth and giving him a longing taste of what he desires most. The model draws back slowly, making sure thin strands of their combined saliva string between their tongues, obvious for his lover to admire.

"You're more than enough..." Jimin whispers, letting a hand drop back to Jungkook's swollen cock, still dripping wet with his spit and precum. "I only beg for you, baby. I only want you...playing with me...fucking me...using me until I c-cry." He scoots forward and lets the length drop from his hand, then lifts his knees to straddle the photographer's lap on the floor. While the move may be a little too desperate, he doesn't have a single shred of care in his small body. He aches to feel his love's large hands tug at the lingerie, to feel the way his dripping cock strains against the material, and how it hugs his tense thighs. More than anything, he wants to rock his plump cheeks over Jungkook's shaft, until he's shaking to rip off every bit of red satin and lace from his skin. Jimin pleas in a cracked voice. "Will you make me cry, Kookie?"

"How can you say it so sweetly, as if you aren't crying already..." Jungkook admires the disheveled man before him, lips swollen and messy with smeared makeup. The loose bands of the bralette hang down Jimin's small biceps, adding to the vision in the photographer's mind. "You know how I love it when you beg like this." The younger's strained voice breaks into a low, needy growl when aggression fuels his sadistic desires to go further. Jimin knows this is just one of his ways to show his affection, this is how he's always been, and will continue to always be. Jungkook's greedy hands knead at the flesh of Jimin's ass, nails scraping the fabrics of the lingerie, tugging so harshly that it struggles to not break in his grasp. He spreads the model's ass, keeping the lingerie in the way of his tight entrance as his rigid length rubs against it.

"I don't want you to cry..." Jungkook presses Jimin's ass down, rubbing his cock between the soft cheeks of the model's ass. He looks at his face, never wavering the intense eye contact he initiates while one hand withdraws from it's hold to scavenge the floor next to him, grabbing the opened lipstick. He leans forward, one arm snaking around Jimin's small waist to keep him in place, thick length snugly pressed beneath the blonde's weight while the other hand resumes to add another layer of lipstick, fixing the mess without cleaning up what's been smeared. "I want you to scream so loud that you cannot make a single sound," He smiles, pressing the lipstick harder against his lips, adding a second layer, watching the product crumble a little. "I want you to choke on your own cries, because you can't think of anything else but me."

One last swipe, and Jungkook moves on to draw a little heart in the middle of Jimin's chest, filling it in meticulously. His tongue pokes the inside of his cheek in focus, before he finishes and looks back up at the elder. "Now..." He sighs, feeling the painful aching when his cock throbs against the damp lingerie separating himself from being inside of Jimin. He nudges his chin in the direction behind him towards the armchair. "Get up."

The soft pink curve of Jungkook’s lips tempts Jimin to lean in and sully his fair skin with the clumpy lipstick. But he refrains, because he trusts the vision of his photographer—always. He looks like sin—dressed as an upscale whore, made a hot mess by the various layers of makeup applied between spit-slicked kisses and mouth fucking. He would have never chosen this look for himself, and that’s part of the thrill. It’s fresh and exciting, knowing only he can fulfill this erotic vision; being the only muse fit for the occasion, or any other.

“Yes, sir.” Jimin stands to his feet, a little wobbly as he adjusts to the height of the heels. The chair feels miles away the farther the small model steps away from his partner. Yet, the mystery of what could come next makes his heart thunder in his chest. He rubs his lips together to smooth the luxe lipstick, rubbing beyond his natural lines to make his pillowy plush pout look even fuller. Jimin sits on the chair, prim and proper with his legs crossed, pointing the tip of a slim heel in Jungkook’s direction.

“How would you like me?” He asks innocently in a sweet tone, as if he isn’t dressed in women’s lingerie, practically dripping with precum, hard cock straining against the lace.

“Like that, just like that...'' Jungkook stares up from his position on the floor, crawling forward on all fours like a predator slowly approaching it's prey. A new spark of various emotions swirl in his gaze, ranging from admiration and affection-- drowning in the crazed hunger that seeps through his blown out pupils. Having the Park Jimin looking like a hot mess made his cock stir painfully as he tucked himself back in his underwear, leaving the pants undone. It wasn't his turn yet, and as they both know-- the reward of patience will be immensely satisfying.

"Can you imagine if anybody else saw you like this? Every media source would explode, the internet would be on fire." Jungkook sighs dreamily from the mere thought of it. What makes it so good, is the fact that he remains the only person... Well, out of two, in the world to see the famous model and designer turn into a submissive plaything. "You'd lose everything... And for what? To please me?" Jungkook shakes his head, chuckling in a mocking manner as if it's unbelievable that Jimin would go such daring lengths of risking everything, time and time again, just to keep Jeon Jungkook happy.

Just to be his whore.

"And that is why I love you... You know exactly how I like you." The photographer says softly. His gaze drinks up the view above him, from Jimin's messy pout, down his clammy, heaving chest, to his crossed thighs hiding the pretty little cock that is most definitely screaming for relief.

"A needy whore. A compliant whore." Jungkook murmurs to himself when his gaze finds the heel pointing at him. His hands greedily reach out to grab Jimin's delicate ankle, kissing and biting at the stockings covering his soft skin. His free hand grabs the shoe, slowly sliding it off to place it on the floor with unexpected care. He looks up at the blonde again, his dark stare softening at the small gasps continuously pushing past Jimin's swollen lips. Kook kisses travel further down, his own breaths becoming heavy and shaky at how feminine Jimin's small foot looks, covered with the see through fabrics, holding it in his hand like it's the most precious thing he's ever seen.

"A doll." He smiles, closing his eyes when he indulges, flattening his tongue to lick a long, slow, stripe from Jimin's heel to his toe.

“S-shit...” The wet pink muscle tickles Jimin’s sensitive arch, but the pressure of it makes it more enjoyable than he anticipated. Every square inch of his body has been worshipped, marked, pleasured, pained, and all the rest of it—every sensation imaginable, Jungkook has inflicted it with purpose. Even as he pleases his own carnal impulses, he dangles new kinks in the model’s face, tempting him to grasp them tight.

“What are you—“ He knew the second he slipped on those tantalizing stilettos that there was a greater plan in store. The dagger-sharp, pointed heels could easily be used as weapons. After a year with Jungkook, he’s learned how much weaponry and danger makes the hair on the back of his neck stand on end. Jimin moans delicately.

“Do you like my feet, puppy?” The glide of Jungkook’s tongue can be felt through the sheer fabric, seeping the moisture of his spit down to the skin. “Want to taste more?” Sitting on his makeshift throne makes him feel power and strength. He’s well aware that in a heartbeat he can be rag-dolled in any position the younger man desires, but he’s placed in a position of command with his partner at his feet. So he lifts his other foot off the floor and places the sharp point of his shoe onto Jungkook’s thigh, digging it into the muscle just a bit. “Tear the stockings, please.” Jimin’s voice shakes. “R-ruin them. Take it off, with your teeth.”

Jungkook's grasp around Jimin's ankle tightens when he feels the pointy heel dig into his thigh, drawing a low moan from deep within his chest. He gazes up at Jimin through his dark lashes, crooking an eyebrow.

"What was that?" his wicked smile is hiding behind Jimin's foot, which he kisses the sole of between his words. "I thought I heard the doll speak, I must be mad..." Jungkook purposely put Jimin in this position, knowing exactly how it'd make him feel to see the photographer on his knees. The bratty side to the model always knew how to spur-- or in this case, literally step on his nerves to get what he wants. It all serves to the buildup of a bigger purpose; the more riled up Jungkook becomes, the harder Jimin gets fucked. And he knows it too well. Just how long it'll take before he gets what he wants, is the big question.

He looks up at his hot mess of a lover again, saying nothing as he silently obeys his wish when he bites down on the fabrics, carelessly dragging his teeth against the fair skin as he does so. He pulls back, ripping the expensive material off like a kid that's too excited on Christmas to care about whether the wrapping paper is torn to shreds. He nips at the broken fabrics, slowly sliding it off from his lower leg and down to slip it off his foot, audibly spitting it out from his mouth to lunge back in. His hands withdraw to settle on the other leg, still covered and dressed with the heel that so deliciously stings into his muscular thigh. He strokes it gently, so carefully it must tickle more than anything, while wrapping his plush, lipstick stained lips around Jimin's toe, sucking and tonguing it shamelessly with low hums in satisfaction and hot breaths through his nose.

It is overwhelming to even think about the erotic visuals he's capturing on camera, so much that his cheeks flush with heat, and his thick bulge twitches with every little stroke of his tongue that snakes around and in-between the model's petite toes.

"Gah--fucking...shit--ah!" Jimin chokes on a whine as his first digit slips into Jungkook's hot mouth. Each delicate nerve ending sparks to life and ripples tingly pleasurable goosebumps up his legs. He clamps his thighs shut and adjusts the heel, scraping into the fabric of his pants, testing the limit of Jungkook's flesh. Mind over matter, the small male wriggles his butt in his seat, internally battling the conflicting tickly sensations vs his overbearing arousal. With just a single toe suckled between his favorite pair of messy lips, his mind numbs and his limbs tense to claw for leverage. Feeling this, and seeing it happen--admiring the way Jungkook's long lashes close gently as he indulges in the moment. Jimin grips the chair arms in both hands and tears his sharp nails into the upholstery. Jimin mewls, straining to keep quiet, allowing his partner to focus on his indulgence.

“Mm--ah, ah, god..." He closes his eyes and simply feels the movement of the wet muscle, licking between his toes, around them, sucking them into his mouth, until they're glistening in his saliva. "M-more--more..." he whispers, slapping a hand over his begging lips. He broke the stocking, slid it off of him with his teeth without any regard to the price or quality of the fabric. No moment of hesitation to argue against the command or counter with something more enjoyable for both of them. Spoiled, is the word Jimin thinks of...he's pampered in this position, given exactly what he needs, like a prized porcelain doll.

"M-mooore," he whines from behind his hand, biting hard into the soft skin between his pointer finger and thumb, muffling the garbled sounds and using pressure to distract. His eyes seek the recording camera before letting a tear slide down his ruddy cheek, swiping his small tongue over his rouge pout and swallowing hard. "Baby, f-feels--mmf...so good. Looks so pretty..."

With a wet pop, Jungkook withdraws his lips from Jimin's cleaned up toes. His eyes open slowly as he does so, looking up at the overwhelmed man above, shaking with his arousal and inner battle to stay still and receiving the reward. Who the reward is for remains a mystery.

"So greedy... Didn't know you loved having your filthy toes sucked so much." He hums, glancing down at the wet patch of precum staining his underwear, a clear result of just how much he enjoys it as well. "What else do you want?"

Jungkook doesn't look at Jimin while asking, but keeps his attention on the slender legs in front of him. He grabs the model's ankle, uncrossing his legs to spread them wide, scuffing closer between to where he can access and lean his cheek against Jimin's inner thigh, so close but so far away from the aching, pretty cock that's barely covered by the soft lace.

"You're really digging that heel into my leg, baby... Ouch..." He sighs, feeling his length throb with every movement that twists the heel into his flesh. He purposely chose sharp heels, feeling his mixture of bad temper, impatience and lust fill him with every hot breath pushing past his lips. He snakes a hand down between his legs, slipping past the waistband of his boxers to squeeze his cock tightly, staring up at Jimin with doe puppy eyes, rubbing his cheek against the clammy skin of the blonde's thigh. "It hurts, hmm.. Ah.." He closes his eyes again, kissing the skin softly, seemingly gentle-- until his lips curl into a small smile, parting his teeth only to bite down on Jimin's flesh, leaving a possessive mark behind.

Jimin's nails tear away from the upholstery and grasp Jungkook by the roots.

"Sss--ow, fuuck." The fresh mark lays very close to the tattoo on his thigh, still brilliantly colorful with dark shading, like he got it weeks prior. A bruise begins to bloom between the embedded dips where Jungkook's teeth sunk in. It's hot and tender and ignites the rest of his skin to an even coat of blush. Without noticing, Jimin drags his heel down gradually, brought to attention when it clacks onto the floor in front of Jungkook's knelt frame...Tempting…

"Oh, baby. It hurts, huh?" Jimin coos as his fingers naturally soothe the sensitive skin of his lover's scalp. He notices a new hole in Jungkook's pants where his heel punctured through, straight down to the skin. On the fine tip of the heel is a subtle patch of blood where he scraped a little too roughly. "Poor puppy..."

It's a rare occasion to have the photographer in such a submissive state, but he seems to enjoy it more and more once Jimin inflicts a little pain. So that's exactly what the model does, to give back the pleasure and revel in the pristine imagery of his lover on bent knees to please. "Lick it," Jimin says in a quiet voice, bringing his heel to his partner's lips. He clears his throat and states it again, louder and with confidence, wrapping his other leg over Jungkook's shoulder and pulling him closer to the sharp point. "Just like you did my toes, clean this pretty heel."

"Mm? That's what you want..." Jungkook squeezes his cock tighter, blocking the blood flow until he feels his pulse thunder through the swollen tip. He tilts his head to the side slightly, giving Jimin a good view of the way he leans in and opens his mouth wide. His tongue snakes around the sharp heel, scooping up the droplet of his own blood to coat his wet muscle in a thin layer of red. His raised eyebrows serve as a silent question of whether or not he is doing it right... And by the way Jimin's big eyes are quivering as they meet his own, he's more than certain of the answer.

Jungkook hums lowly, a deep moan caught in his throat when he tugs the waistband down to set his cock free from hiding once more, openly massaging his slick length to the way he keeps licking the heel, from the sharpness to the sole, a flattened tongue dragging up like a dog lapping up their favorite meal.

"That's g-good...so good." Any mortal man would go cross eyed from the sinful sight. Jimin is made tougher than most, strong from being with Jungkook, but he's easily bent and broken from the simplest sights. Anything from the younger man melts the model's mind to horny mush--trying on a new pair of Versace shades, or hitting a high score on Overwatch, or sloppily sipping a bananamilk until the container runs dry. This visual, however...is quite complex. The blonde sweats lightly, swallowing tight and combing his fingers through Jungkook's shaggy raven locks, getting lost in the action. He isn't even directly touched, and yet, he feels electric shock waves of pleasure from simply watching Jungkook thumb over his dripping cock head and lap the razor sharp edge of his stiletto.

"Keep touching yourself," he whimpers, gaze hungrily following the younger man's slippery pink tongue slide over the last unsullied strip of heel. "A-and...gah...don't cum." Jimin wrenches his eyes shut and moves his other hand down to touch himself too. His hand grips his needy length tight through the sheer fabric and he bucks upward to chase the friction. In the process, he jolts the heel between his love's lips and gives the plump bottom pout a swift cut. "Shit, puppy, I-I'm..."

Jungkook grunts, flinching slightly from the unexpected. He looks down, seeing as blood drips from his lip to the floor into a growing puddle, deep enough to give a burning sensation in his delicate skin. Deep enough to fuel his various emotions..

"You got too greedy." He mumbles, not bothering to wipe it off as it creates a red string of liquid running down his chin when he looks up at Jimin. His doe eyes fade into the familiar dark stare that the model knows too well. Jungkook could only hold his faux submission for so long, his generosity for the night of giving Jimin the sense of power running out quickly.

"But you just can't control yourself, can you?" Jungkook gets up on his feet, placing his hands on the armrests while towering close over Jimin, face inches away from the mess of a man. "What am I gonna do with such a slut... Getting so excited you can't even sit still in a fuckin' chair." He hisses, swiping up the blood on his lip with his tongue, mixing it with his spit. He grabs Jimin's jaw tightly, forcing his mouth open, tilting his little head back while he hovers over him. "Guess you'll just have to reap what you sow, little whore." He murmurs against Jimin's lips before he parts his own, letting the bloody mixture of his saliva drip into Jimin's lips, seeping into his mouth. He keeps a tight grip on the model, not letting him move or reject the offer the photographer gives him. Kook shimmies out of his pants while he does so, slowly climbing on top to straddle Jimin's lap, caging his small frame onto the chair.

The model nods rapidly, brushing the bloody mixture between their painted lips.

"I'll take it all." A string of Jungkook's red saliva trails between their parted mouths as Jimin arches up and steals a couple desperate kisses. "Anything you want to do t-to me." Whether he believes his own words or not is a big mystery. When he says anything, he forgets just how unpredictable and harsh his love can be when provoked. But in the moment, it feels right, especially when the heat of Jungkook's bare cock is felt so close to where he wants it most.

Jimin reaches his arms around Jungkook's torso, feels the muscles of his back tense and release while he finds his footing. He breathes in through his nose to smell the gentle cologne and musk of the photographer, and the very faint but nostalgic and calming scent of his shampoo. Jimin flicks out his tongue and tastes the rust that lingers atop the lipstick, closes his teary eyes to center himself before the pain takes hold. Perhaps there will be humiliation, or both, simultaneously.

"Anything, huh..." Jungkook looks at Jimin through mischievous eyes. His cock lays heavy against the model's clammy stomach, twitching at the new idea running through his mind. Normally, this is not something he would desire.. But this is a special occasion, and the action would fit the punishment and sate the unusual urges coaxing him to do what he does next. Jungkook leans in to kiss Jimin, keeping one palm on his lover's messy cheek. Jimin's lipstick moistens up, once again staining the photographer's mouth in their hot kiss-- a distraction from the way his other hand snakes behind him when he lifts his hips up, grabbing the elder's aching cock. He doesn't do much to prepare more than spread the slick precum along Jimin's length before guiding the swollen tip to his ass, stopping when he slowly sinks down on it until just the head slips in, drawing a hot gasp to push past his lips.

"Do not move." Jungkook whispers, kissing down the blonde's jaw to his neck, taking a few deep breaths as he sinks down further until Jimin's entire length is buried inside. Kook stays still for merely seconds, not allowing himself to adjust properly before he heaves himself up halfway, only to fall back down. The sound of his plump ass flattening against Jimin's thighs mixes in with the quiet grunts in pain and pleasure coming from him. It isn't his favorite thing to do-- preferably on the giving end, but that doesn't mean he doesn't enjoy feeling Jimin writhe beneath him in various ways. Supposedly, Jungkook remains on the giving end, whether it's his cock or his ass that is the gift.

"Mmh, 's tight... Right?" He settles his hands on Jimin's chest, tilting his head to the side as he sits up straight to watch the man below from his higher view. His hips show less mercy as he gets used to it, finding a slow rhythm, "And your cock isn't even that big..." he shakes his head, feeling the heat on his cheeks in the form of a lustful blush when he finds an angle that brushes his prostate, grinding his ass down to chase that feeling over and over. "Just shows how much of a cockwhore you are for being able to take one as big as mine, ah shit.."

Jimin's sweaty palms clamor over Jungkook's back and move down to grip him hard at the hips. His eyes roll to the back of his head as his small body is engulfed by lean muscle and a hot grip around his cock. "Kookie, you--" This is the last thing he expected to happen--watching helplessly and breathing labored breaths as Jungkook's taut rim rides him rough. The sensation is more than expected, and much more than he remembers. "I can't, baby, it's too...much--fuck--" Nails pierce slicked skin as Jimin thrusts up to chase the hot clenching hole. Each time Jungkook pulls up, he whimpers at the loss and uses his wavering strength to pull him back down with an audible smack. The weight of the photographer is much more than he can bear, but he digs his heel into the ground to hold what little balance he has left, so hard he's sure the pin-point could snap at any moment. "So tight...around my cock...hahhh." Jimin's breaths grow weaker and thinner, gradually winded from the smack, smacking against his reddened thighs. "I--I--" He bites onto Jungkook's arm to hold steady, watching the room wobble in his peripherals. "Might c-cum in--gah!"

"Hah... I t-told you not to move." Jungkook's shaky, strained voice came out as a hiss between breathy gasps every time his ass collided with Jimin's firm thighs. Jimin's series of disobedient actions didn't bother Jungkook as much as they normally would, as this is a special occasion after all-- especially when he willingly put himself in a faux submissive state just to allow Jimin to indulge in a different way for the night. "Now you'll have to deal w-with, iiit-- fuck.." He clenches Jimin's hard cock tight when the latter bites onto his arm, the rush of the pain making him fuck himself rougher on top of the model. "Now you started it, so fuck me harde-er! Don't stop.." Jungkook growls lowly, shamelessly moaning and watching his own cock rub and drool against Jimin's stomach. With one hand firmly on Jimin's chest, the other smoothes up his neck to wrap around it, applying just enough pressure to put his lover in a deeper haze, ensuring that although he's not sure whether or not he's allowed to cum inside, he will have no other choice but to do so-- Jungkook wants him to lose any self control, and fill him up with shame and fear in his eyes of doing something he wasn't permitted to.

The straps of Jimin's bralette slaps off his shoulders once again, the small cups of it sliding around his chest the more his bouncing partner rubs against it. The momentum and chafe of the fabric teases his sensitive buds and makes them stiff, red, and swollen. So he lets the rest of the fabric fall down his body until his chest is bare, dewy with sweat. "Yes--hah ahh...s-sir." His own confirmation tapers to a pathetic whine as his breath weakens. Jungkook's grasp pins him by the neck, into the chair. The only freedom he's granted is the weak thrust of his hips to fuck the younger man from below, which he does to the best of his ability, growing weaker by the second. He won't stop, even if it means he blacks out from exertion, which feels closer than he likes to admit. Jimin pants heavily and digs in his fingertips. "I'll fill up this p-pretty hole." He speaks with delirious lust lacing his tone, just the way he would want to hear it. "Is that what you want, baby? Fuck, you're so t-tight--ahh! Can't wait..."

Jungkook leans in closer, slowing down his harsh thrusts only to replace them with slow, deep grinding. He licks his bloody lower lip, nodding while staring down at Jimin's heavy, zoned out gaze. He's losing it completely, and yet he tries too hard to please and do as told, and it warms the photographer's heart-- and it makes his cock leak profusely with the immense need to cum. So, therefore, he needs Jimin to break so he can finally give back what he's been holding for what feels like hours. "Yeah, fill me up well baby. Cum in me as deep as you possibly fuckin' can." The younger says with his low, lustful tone, still keeping his hold on Jimin's throat without loosening or tightening it. He inches closer to kiss his face, hot breaths huffing to warm his lover's skin with every grunt and moan that leaves his lips when he feels Jimin's hard cock prodding at his prostate with every fluid motion of his hips. "Cum," Jungkook repeats, deliberately clenching down on Jimin's cock, licking his cheek possessively, "Claim me with your filthy cum."

"Anything you want--ah!" Jimin's eyes screw shut as he rocks his thrusts up into Jungkook's wanting hole. "Feel my cock dragging in and out? Feel how n-needy I am to spill every fucking drop inside you?" His mind truly turns to mush, like a fever dream, losing any semblance of here and now. Only indulging in the very millisecond in which his body trembles to feel everything, all at once. "It's all for you, baby." He pontificates his oath with a harsh thrust from below, scraping his nails until the tender flesh of Jungkook's sides, drawing blood in his wake. "Fuck my cock...bounce on i-it...gahh!" The model becomes a shell of himself, as if he's boneless, thrusting his release in labored spurts, into his young love. "Moan for me, Kookie. Tear at this expensive lingerie and tell me I'm the prettiest man that's ever fucked you raw."

Jimin’s sudden and harsh words takes Jungkook by surprise— he expected the elder to fall apart one way of the other when he came inside, but what he didn’t expect was the spark of dominance that laced his voice and transferred to the way he clawed at the youngers skin. “F-fuck, ah— ow, mmhm...” Jungkook bites back his moans, to no avail when his sides are tortured by the models sharp nails, unable to hold back his pathetic whines when he feels his insides become filled with filthy, thick gushes of warm cum. “God, Jimin— J-Jimin, it hurts...” He gasps, letting himself and allowing a glimpse of actual submission to shine through his shivering body. His hands don’t know where to be, so he does as told and grabs the bralette in his fist and tugs, using his strength that’s spurred by pain to rip it off his lovers chest, while the other hand keeps him steady by grasping into the backrest of the chair. “Shit, I didn’t know you could say such things... that’s so hot, baby.” Jungkook huffs when he gathers himself slowly, unmoving while Jimin’s cock pulsates inside of him. He sighs and whines from the painful stretch of taking it without preparation, overestimating himself and yet relishing in the uncomfortable feeling. Jungkook glanced down at his bloody waist when he lifts himself from Jimin’s lap to let the latters length slip out, a splurt of cum seeping out with it. He hums in both delight and disgust, not used to the feeling of being on the receiving end..

“You did well baby.” Jungkook reaches behind him, catching a generous amount of Jimin’s cum to coat two of his fingers before bringing it to his mouth, licking it clean for the elder to see. The coy mischief returns to his gaze, leaning close to press his swollen length against Jimin’s stomach to let him know playtime’s far from over. “My turn. You good?” He places a kiss on Jimin’s scorching lips. “I can fuck you harder than that. Show you how it’s done..”

The photographer's proposition snaps Jimin back into the moment--eyes wide and dark, needing to feel exactly what he's inadvertently promised. As if the mere mention of fucking his needy hole is enough to make the blonde bend in any which way necessary to prove Jungkook's point. "Prove it," Jimin goads, unaware of the power that laces his tone. "I'm tired of being your porcelain doll...make me your filthy whore." The model wriggles from underneath the photographer until he's free from his caging clutch. Once he's able to maneuver solo, he flips himself over and juts out his plump ass, resting his ruddy cheek against the upholstery of the chair.

“Huh... maybe I spoiled you too much.” Jungkook drinks in the view below, standing up on his feet to properly watch the way Jimin arches his back to offer his body willingly— or rather, demanding his body be used like a disposable toy. A shiver ran down his spine as he replayed Jimin’s words over and over. A challenge, that he knows the model is aware that he can beat without even thinking. He must be so lonely, that the mere thought of having his unused hole filled drives him mad with need, and the temporary dominance got to his head. Kook likes it, the power in Jimin’s voice that is so rare when they’re alone.. but more than present when he is working. It’s like he brought home his persona of professionalism, and now Jungkook would get to corrupt this mask as well.

“I’ll make my pretty doll into the filthiest and prettiest of whores. I’m sure of it.” He murmurs while he reaches behind him to slowly drag his fingers in and out of himself, gathering the remainder of Jimin’s release onto his digits. He spreads his lover's cheek to get a good look of his tight rim, pink and unused like a virgin anew. Kook licks his lip, feeling the hardened texture of the dried cut on the skin. He brings his slicked fingers to Jimin’s ass, giving him little to no warnings before slipping his two digits inside, knuckle deep. “I’m just giving it back. It came from your filthy, whorish body.. but you don’t mind. This is where cum really belongs.” He says, loving the sound of his own voice a bit too much. He loves the way Jimin’s hole clamps down on his fingers as he speaks, and the way his hole becomes wet and slick, coating his fingers more and more with his juices with every in and out drag. He curls the pads of his fingers slightly, finding that one spot that he knows drives Jimin mad— especially if the abuser of it is his hefty cock.

"Mm--g-god. Please, yes." The model looks over his shoulder to provoke Jungkook to give him more. This is just the way it needs to be to provoke--to find that spot again, plumping up his full lips with a whiny pout. "Put my cum where it belongs, please, baby." Jimin presses his hips back to match the thrusts, wrenching his eyes shut to chase the high, feeling even hotter knowing the reason his tender hole is stretched so easily is because of his own cum. He rides Jungkook's fingers, nipping his lip and beckoning him closer with small kisses, placed anywhere he can reach. Through it all, he makes sure his back remains arched so his glistening pink entrance is visible. He knows how his partner salivates at the clear sight of his fingers disappearing and reappearing, hugged by his tightening rim, hearing how needy his butterfly is for his touch. "Finger out every bit and put it inside." The messy tear-streaked blonde spreads his legs wider on the chair, leaving as much room as possible for Jungkook to fit. "T-then fuck me full of more."

"I would've asked you to beg for it, but you're already so good at that.. You really are perfect." Jungkook makes his point with a particularly deep thrust with his double digits, twisting and scissoring to ensure that his lover is comfortably gonna be able to take something much bigger than his mere fingers. "Looks like your cum is the perfect lubricant, just feel how easily I got your pretty ass gaping for cock." Jungkook groans audibly to show how much he likes the view when he withdraws his slick fingers, wiping them clean on Jimin's clothed thigh, staining it with cum. "Can't wait for you to see it how I see it. It's so hot, so cute." He adds, spreading Jimin's cheeks with his thumbs before tugging at his hips, bringing him closer to let his heavy cock rest between, gathering the slick. He slowly drags his length up and down, prodding tastefully at Jimin's eager entrance before finally giving in, sinking the swollen head of his cock inside, followed with a quiet gasp from the photographer.

"Shit, even after all of this, you're still so tight..." Jungkook digs his nails into Jimin's hips, grabbing a fistful of the thong into his hands to tug him down to take more of his length inside, pushing past the thickest part of his girth. He watches the way the elder's pink rim is stretched past it's limit and then some, the sweet pink slowly morphing into a blushed red. "Your body drives me mad, baby. Almost lookin' like a woman with these on." He crumples the material in his hand, tightening the fabrics so that it presses against Jimin's spent cock. He gives an experimental thrust forward, and decides to give little time to adjust before he begins to roll his hips forward, slowly but steadily. He will break his butterfly, and making him cum a second time would be the perfect reward.

Pressure builds rapidly in Jimin's abdomen, causing his muscles to twitch and spasm. His walls clench down on Jungkook as he presses in deep, practically forcing his way in, claiming the space he's worked hard to make. Jimin can still feel the phantom stretch of the photographer's fingers as it's quickly replaced with thick, vascular cock. It's almost painful, which is a new sensation for the willing blonde. He's always made sure to breathe through it all, relax his body and mentally prepare for how rough Jungkook may or may not like it at that moment. It's a roll of the dice, and today, anything is possible.

The tight weave of red lace chafes against the model's fair skin as Jungkook thrusts pick up in pace, threatening to tear if tested enough. As much as Jimin loves the feeling of being as pretty as a girl, he doesn't blink an eye when the remaining heel falls to the floor. "S-slower...just...y-yeah, that's--" Jimin's words break into confused pleas, easing into the scene, calming his body enough to receive his partner, inch by inch. "You feel bigger today, Kookie," he gasps, rubbing his cheek into the upholstery of the chair's back and sullying it with his salty tears. He chokes on a quiet sob and presses his hips back to meet a new thrust, "I almost can't t-take it."

"Fuuuuck, say that again." Jungkook growls through his lustful, breathy words. He snaps his hips forward, rougher and buries his cock deeply to be as close as physically possible to his pretty lover. The photographer adores Jimin's choked words, and rarely does anything beat when he cries in pain due to the mere size of his thick length claiming it's space in the model's slick flesh. "Does it hurt?" He says with a noticeable grin that transfers to the tone of his voice. He grinds his hips forward while staying inside, ensuring the jeweled head of his cock is lodged deep inside, throbbing in excitement every time he feels Jimin clench around him with every audible sob. He drags out the moment, using the blonde to warm his cock properly, still grinding deeply inside. His hands greedily roam up and down Jimin's slender back, tracing his fingers on one of his favorite hidden features of his model-- the prominent, yet delicate line where his spine lies beneath his fair skin, moving prettily with every writhing movement of his torso.

"You know how much I love it when you endure pain for me.." He sighs, smoothing his tattooed hands down his lover's thin waist until they settle on his lower back, pushing down to force a stronger arch. "Feel that baby?" Jungkook licks his lips at the sight, intentionally flexing his cock inside to make a point of how impossibly hard he is, rocking his hips back and forth lightly to create the start of a momentum. "I said," He drags his length out further with every stroke, only to plunge it back in harder and harder, "Do you," And harder, "Feel that?"

"Yes...yes, fuck!" Jimin's cries are cut short by the heady penetration. The jolts burn his cheek against the chair, but not enough to distract from the sting of his abused hole.

Sounds of slapping skin rings in the model's ears--the force of Jungkook's pelvis colliding with his plump ass, deafening. "You--You're so big, I--" Jimin presses his ass back into the next deliberate thrust and swallows a yelp, morphing it into a sharp whine. He's incredibly tender from cumming already, full to burst once again. Only this time, there's more pressure built inside, like every ounce of fluid he could possibly possess is begging to be let free. "You'll make me cum too sooon." Jimin wriggles and writhes, but only for a bit, internally reminding himself to be good. Be a good boy for his Kookie. Stay still. Keep calm. Hands lay flat on the blonde's back, littered with faint marks of possession from months before. They scarred as a reminder, marking Jimin, helping him realize his one true place in life is right where he is in this moment--beneath Jeon Jungkook, moaning, whimpering, begging for pain and receiving adoring love and devotion in return. "More," he echos, softly at first, "Harder, fuck me h-harder..."

"You're whining so prettily, baby." Jungkook praises, getting a proper grip of the model's hips to use the strength in his arms to aid the pathetic attempts of Jimin trying to meet his thrusts. The harsh slapping of their skin coming together grows louder when he picks up the pace, indulging hungrily in the elder's hot, tight, insides over and over with his cock. He wishes so badly that he could stay like this forever and repeatedly claim Jimin's body and make him lose his mind. "Asking for more, when your frail body shakes so... Fuck, it only makes me want to hurt you more." He groans when a particularly rough thrust causes Jimin to clench down, his petite body jolting and his muscles quivering while struggling to stay in position-- trying his absolute best to be good. Jungkook's hunger for more grows, and with it, he fucks Jimin harder, digging his fingers into his slim hips to keep him in place, pulling him back on his cock when he's momentarily jolting forward with every forceful thrust. "Remember what I told you earlier? How I want you to scream so loud you cannot make a sound..." The photographer glances over at the camera, knowing it gets a full proper view of Jimin's face pressing against the chair while he can't see it as well from his perspective. He wonders what kind of expressions he's making right now..

He knows he'll be able to rewatch the content later, but he wants to see more..

Jungkook leans forward a bit, still fucking Jimin, heavy audible breaths of his hard labor pushing past his lips while he reaches around Jimin's small torso, lifting him on his knees. He hugs him close, pressing his muscular chest against Jimin's smaller frame, stomach perfectly melting together with the slender slope of Jimin's back. "Maybe I do prefer it if you scream loudly, though..." He buries his nose in Jimin's neck, kissing and biting his tender skin, one hand on his waist and the other smoothing up his stomach until he settles on his chest. The calloused pads of his fingers finds Jimin's nipple, reddened and sensitive due to the previous friction from the lace, making it real easy for him to find the reactions he's looking for when he pinches it hard between his fingers. His hips never cease to fuck generously, adamant to overwhelm every sense in the elder's pretty body.

With each filthy remark from Jungkook, Jimin yelps pleas of encouragement. The rough pinch simply drags it out of him, quick and loud. "M-more...harder! ...just like tha-aaat, shit..." He doesn't need guidance to say what comes next, meaning it with every short breath in his body-- "I'm a failure," he squeaks, "Cumming inside you so quickly, it's just--ahh!" You just f-felt so tight...and it's been so long, I..." Jimin grasps the hand that balances his flat chest and draws it up to grip tight around his neck, helping to push him over the edge--so close, it's almost alarming. Jimin squeaks, "...I'm gonna cum again. Fuck, I might...I don't know...I..." He loses his train of thought, not that there was much of one to begin with. Sobbing of praise and self depreciation are all his muddled mind can compute when he's fucked this well--now adjusted to his lover's large swollen length. "You fuck me too good...much better than I fucked you, I'm so s-sorr--mmmf--AH!"

Jungkook's pierced tip glides against his prostate, rubbing him raw, making his eyes flutter and skin tingle with the peak of his high. This is new. It's not normal. The gradual sensation he longs to feel is much more urgent, nearly bulging his abdomen to let free. "Wait, wait!" His small hand taps on Jungkook's arm to release him, struggling to pull away. His muscles spasm in a quick alert, and he knows all too well what's about to come next. "It's too much, I'll--" Before Jimin can finish his sentence, hot spurts of urine stream down his thighs and soak the chair he straddles. The second it starts to trickle out of his exhausted body, he can't stop it. Thrust after punishing thrust, spurts are fucked out of his shaking form until he's putty in the younger man's arms, quivering out what must be a form of orgasm. His cock pulses as his prostate continues to be abused, and all he can do is cry and whimper from embarrassment. "I'm sorry, I'm s-sorry--hic. Kookie, I couldn't s-stop--hic"

"Are you embarrassed?" He smiles, "Can't even hold it in when getting fucked." Jungkook peeks over Jimin's shoulder to watch his smaller lover's body quiver and squirm, unable to hold in anything when the younger fucks it out of him without mercy. "Always love to make a mess, do you? Then acts so innocent.." He teases, hugging Jimin closer while he squeezes the blonde's throat tighter, leaning his delicate back against his muscular chest to allow Jimin to feel some leverage. He slows down the grinding of his hips when he's fucked out every single drop possible from the model's cock, just pathetically red and throbbing.

"I still didn't cum..." Jungkook sighs, stopping his movements. He keeps himself buried deep, the grip on Jimin's throat moving to his chin to guide their lips to meet in a messy, drooly kiss. He delicately pulls back to crook an eyebrow, internally beaming with pride at how utterly fucked out Jimin looks. "Move onto your back, lay in your own filth." He suddenly commands, letting go of the elder's weak body to let it fall limp onto the chair, letting his length slip out of his stretched gape. Impatient, he's already aiding him when he notices the light struggle and quivering muscles from oversensitivity-- grabbing his hips to help him to flip on his back.

"Humph." Jimin's hiccups weaken once he's on his back, sinking into the tepid pool of urine that seeps out of the cushion. He stares up at the younger man with saucer eyes--adoring stars swirling in his gaze, slowly coming down from his orgasm. The apples of his cheeks blush an endearing shade of pink, even more as the moisture spreads across his back. It's an ever-present reminder of the mess he made, all over Jungkook's studio chair--the one he sits on to do his work, and the one he reclines in to watch Jimin pose during their private shoots.

"It's wet," the model whines, wriggling to find a comfortable spot on the chair. His nose crinkles at the audible squish the fabric makes when he adjusts his posture, saturated in him, possibly ruined and unusable. His blush dissipates just a bit, because this is the state Jungkook longed to see him in. Perhaps the visual of an alluring male model in feminine lingerie was what intrigued the talented photographer. But, just like the mirrored room, everything must come crashing down until only he can build it back up in just the way he likes.

Jimin loops his arms under his knees and exposes his tender hole to his partner, offering himself as a toy to be played with. "Do you like this, Kookie?" He pulls back a bit more, earning a wet squish from the cushion below. "Seeing your butterfly, like this..."

“Good boy." Jungkook praises, nodding in approval while a long, slow swipe of his tongue coats his lips in the glossy shine of his spit. His predatory stare darkens at the mess he's created-- the vision he's been craving finally coming to life. "I love it, you're perfect." The aching, swell sensation of blood pumping through his body is prominent in his cock as he gives himself a few tempting strokes, placing one knee on the edge of the wet cushion and the other keeping leverage on the floor while caging Jimin's body beneath him. He lines up the thick, jeweled head of his cock with the model's gaping entrance with one hand, placing his other palm on Jimin's thigh to dig his fingers into the soft flesh, aiding him in holding his legs back.

"You've done so well tonight, baby.. There's no better look for you than this.. My spoiled, expensive doll.." Jungkook's dark eyes squint as he smiles softly, a contrast compared to the way he drives his hips forward to bury his cock deep once more, welcomed by the stretched, slick flesh that hugs him tightly in the form of muscle clenches. Even when spent, Jimin does what he can to please. "My messy whore." He quickly builds up the momentum, using the full potential of every silky inch of his rigid length as he drags it in and out, harder and harder, until Jimin's petite body once more begins to jolt upwards with each and every powerful thrust. "S-shit, I love your body, I can't get enough of you like this." Jungkook spits out between grunts, thriving in the wet sounds of his cock plunging into the model, along with the squishes of his small body forcibly rubbing against the wet chair.

The photographer grits his teeth, chest heaving with every shallow breath and muscles flexing to fuck into him harder, harder to release every bit of primal desire to use Jimin to chase his impending high. "G-gonna cum soon," Jungkook's hazy eyes never waver from Jimin's face, watching it distort into his favorite expressions, a mixture of pain and pleasure. "Want me to cover your pretty face with it?"

Jimin doesn't have the power to speak, lost in the trance of Jungkook's cock railing into him at a powerful rate. His aching ring of nerves pulsates with sensitivity, so sore and spent that any words spilling from his rouge bitten lips would be desperate pleas to slow down. Positively not an option. It's their anniversary. Today is a special day--the most monumental day in Jimin's life to date, above any major career move or step in the spotlight. A year ago he may have placed himself before the pleasurable and painful touch of the photographer's hands on his flesh, but that part of himself has been far from erased. Now, in this studio, in their little private world, Jimin naturally folds at the simplest suggestion from the young visionary.

"Cum on my face, baby," he whimpers, holding his knees to his chest for stability. He nods rapidly to confirm, it's exactly what he wants. "Paint your whore--fuck. Cover me in you, I n-need it...all over my skin. Record it, up close. Please, pleasee." His voice squeaks, caught off guard by how badly he truly wants this. More than anything, he knows how beautiful the final scene will look--him, covered in tacky red sinful lace, sticking to his small body with cum, sweat, and spit. Smeared with lipstick. Prettied up and ruined for one man only.

Jimin knows exactly what the photographer wants to hear, and it's obvious by the way Jungkook's eyebrows furrow in concentration, gaze burning into the vision beneath him.

"I love it when you beg like that." Jungkook praises yet again, giving the model another punishing thrust before pulling out, leaving the gaping, needy hole empty for tonight. Normally, he would never pass on an opportunity to stuff Jimin full of his cum-- but tonight, his vision took the top priority over any carnal instincts. He had this vision in mind for forever, and it is finally becoming his reality.

"Look at me." Jungkook commands while taking a step back, tugging at Jimin's bicep to pull his spent body to slide down to the floor on his knees in front of him. He hooks the pad of his finger underneath the blonde's chin, tilting his head back to look up. His other hand works his slick length quickly and roughly, ready to burst at any given moment-- he's held it so well, and he knows he will cover his doll's perfect face with everything he's got. It'll be the ultimate visual of his fantasies; Jimin, the picture perfect man in shambles, ruined makeup and covered in various body fluids willingly, merely to serve and keep the photographer satisfied and happy. Maybe even excited for the rewards that come with compliance. "Pretty... So pretty, and all mine, hahh.." Jungkook hisses through labored breaths, clammy chest heaving as he looks down at Jimin's lips, rubbing the jeweled tip of his cock against them, stroking his cock purposefully to make a show out of the way his tattooed hand effortlessly glides thanks to every little ounce of slick fluids his lover provided. "Keep looking at m-me...fuck, I'm gonna--gah, cum." He moans louder to let Jimin know how much he's enjoying this, and the visual from both their perspectives must be otherworldly. Both men are utterly devoted and obsessed with the other.

Just as Jungkook's hip move to fuck into his hand, they stutter when his orgasm hurls over the edge without much of a warning. A drawn out, deep groan rumbles from the back of his throat, and it feels like his eyes would roll to the back of his head if he didn't intentionally keep himself so focused on watching the way thick, hot ropes of cum began to paint the model's delicate features one by one. His hand squeezes his cock, thighs tensing and relaxing between every twitching throb of his orgasm. He spits curses and praise, moans and whines, not stopping until he's made sure Jimin's skin is an entire mess, glazed with his release.

Silken droplets of pearly cum slip down Jimin's cheek and tickle the pert pout of his lips. Slowly, he licks away what he can, peeking open an eye and giving a longing look of devotion. The salty release tingles on the tip of his tongue, which he savors with a low hum. He doesn't need to ask to know how much the photographer enjoys this sight. He knows that from this angle, he's a masterpiece, commemorating a year of servitude in the most filthy way imaginable. The low glow of the recording camera reminds him of his duty, to show off his final look--a far departure from the stunning, sinful vision he admired in the mirror. Heels are scattered on the floor, stained with a light streak of blood. Stockings are torn ragged, and bralette is askew and hanging loose. With no way of truly knowing, Jimin assumes he must look a complete and utter wreck. Still, remnants of lipstick stain him in misplaced splotches, smearing down his lips and onto his chin. The ruddy makeup appears to be even brighter and remarkable under the luminous sheen of cum that slips off his chiseled jaw. Jimin lifts to his knees and palms at Jungkook's thighs to draw him closer. "Come here."

Jungkook mindlessly follows Jimin's quiet order, stepping closer before dropping to his knees in front of him, meeting his hazy eyes on face level. He can't do anything but admire his work as if in a blurry trance, and the boiling adoration in his gaze is evident.

"I'm here, baby." He says quietly, glancing over at the camera. He had gotten his shot, the visuals of everything he'd been hungering for now captured in an eternal digital memory. A sense of pride and content fills his chest as he looks back at Jimin, reaching out to swipe his thumbs underneath his makeup smeared eyes. He takes another longing moment to just look, slowly inching closer until he finds the model's pillowy lips with his own. He kisses him gently once, twice before pulling back.

"You did amazing. I got the perfect shot, and you looked so gorgeous." He rubs Jimin's bruised neck slowly, examining the purple and red marks, "Did you enjoy it a lot? I had this planned for a while.. And it came out even better than I anticipated.."

The blonde closes the distance again to kiss Jungkook tenderly. A shaky hand cups the photographer's face while the other mindlessly holds him at the waist for balance. The room shifts subtly, and Jimin breathes into the motion, tilting his head to follow the natural part of their mouths moving as one.

"Mhm," he hums again, indulging in the comfort and warmth of Jungkook's touch. He needs it after, always, to feel like a precious doll again. Like clockwork, they come together into a slow comedown, feeling their united heartbeat as the tips of their fingers brush against damp skin. "Happy anniversary," Jimin smiles into a sweet and short kiss. The tentative hold on his neck draws the model in more and he allows the younger man to indulge in his creation. He allows it until the warm ropes of cum begin to tack to the round apples of his cheeks, and the slight discomfort of his muscles begin to set in.

"So sticky and wet now, Kookie. Just how you like," Jimin smirks, pleased he could once again fulfill his love's vision. "I may need some help getting out of this though." Jimin hints at the soaked, ruined lingerie that still clings to his torso.

"I'm so happy. Thank you for taking me so well, baby." Jungkook places one last rewarding kiss on Jimin's sticky cheek before he gets up on his feet, bringing his lover up with him to lift him up into his strong arms. He holds him close, walking over to the camera to turn the recording off and heads towards the bathroom. "Let's get you cleaned up and ready for bed, I have another surprise for you." He smiles through his statement, placing Jimin on the toilet seat to wait while he draws a hot bath. He turns to Jimin, reaching behind his torso to unclasp the bralette and discard it on the floor, then resumes to tug at the panties to get them off. Every action of his is tender now, the aftercare more than important to ensure that Jimin is properly rewarded for doing so well and taking every rougher part of him-- so he deserves the affection as well. "Come." He coaxes lowly, undressing properly as well until the tub is filled, and takes Jimin's hand in his to guide him into the water, seating them with Jimin's small frame practically in his lap. A soft sigh pushes past his lips from the relaxing warmth surrounding them. "Wash your face off first, don't want your eyes to get irritated."

Jimin cups the warm bathwater in his hands and stares at the faint shadow of his face cast over it. He pauses a moment, adjusting to the comfort of being supported from behind--feeling small and cared for, then brings the water up to cleanse. The warmth soothes over his soft skin, and after only one splash, he can feel the layers of grime shluff off. His palms tinge a faint red. Lipstick rubs away, followed by other various bodily fluids, some of which need a couple passes before it is completely removed. The work to remove it only makes Jimin appreciate the work Jungkook put into planning such an unexpected night.

"I never get tired of this," Jimin coos, bring another palmful of water up to wash over his face, "Taking baths together...it's one of my favorite things." Baths--such a normal and almost childlike experience. It's something that brings the small model pleasant ripples of nostalgia, like it was only yesterday they first shared the simple experience of cleaning one another. It's centering, to wash away the filth of the day and watch it slide down the drain until it's gone completely. Jimin reclines into the tender embrace of his love and allows him to rub soapy water over his body, moaning gently the cleaner he feels.

"One year," the blonde sighs, closing his eyes, "What would I have done if I never met you?" He tilts his neck to get a good look at the younger man. "Life would be so...boring."

"Indeed." Jungkook agrees, the toothy grin on his face just as childish and endearing as when they first met eye to eye in his studio. He looks back at Jimin with just as much-- if not more admiration swirling in his doe eyes. He cranes his neck to kiss the elder's forehead, gentle hands smoothing over his petite body to rub off tonight's events. "But it was fate." He adds, hands moving up to comb his fingers through the blonde curls after adding his familiar shampoo into his palms, massaging his tender scalp with the comfort of his scent.

"Sooner or later, we would've found each other." A moment of silence follows, all that is heard is Jungkook cleaning Jimin's hair while the latter basks in the aftercare.. until he speaks again. Whether Jimin heard it or not, remains a mystery.

"I would've made sure of it."

© sombreboy 2021. Do not repost, edit or translate.

[a-singleboat]

His Shirt

Word Count: 1533

A/N: I literally have no excuse, but I’m back!

Request: Can I request something where the reader and Shayne have been seeing each other for a little while and she unknowingly wears one of his shirts to work and the whole day goes by like normal but towards the end of it, someone like Noah or something ends up questioning it like “how has no one noticed this, or mentioned it all freaking day?!” And Shayne gets shy about it but the reader just laughs it off and it’s all cute and fluffy af💕💕- Anon

Over quarantine, you’d seen very little of any of your friends and coworkers. Working from home was tough, especially since you and your partner had just made the decision to move in with each other a week before the entire country had been submerged into a lockdown that stretched over a few months. The days blended together and eventually dragged on, which made you excited to return to work if anything. 

The morning of your official return, you woke up extremely early, not having been able to sleep the night before due to pure excitement. You wanted to get back to filming, to doing all the things you did before going into quarantine, you missed the hustle and bustle of set life. 

You were dressed before Shayne was, throwing on a button up from your shared closet as well as a pair of dark-wash jeans that only felt a little tight at the waist. You weren’t concerned, seeing as you were never really on the skinny side of fitness, you figured it was just early morning bloating that would go away as the day went on.

“Are you driving or am I?” you asked, bouncing on the balls of the feet as you waited for Shayne to pull on a thin jacket. It wasn’t fully winter yet but it also wasn’t cold enough to constitute a full coat. You had a thinner track jacket on as well, the zipper zipped only part of the way up in your hurry. 

Shayne paused by you to pull up the zipper the rest of the way before pressing a kiss to your forehead. “Calm down,” he advised, pulling his mask on over the bottom half of his face. “We still have to grab breakfast before heading to the offices, Courtney asked if we could stop by that bagel place by us she likes.”

“Is it even open?” you asked, patting down your pockets to make sure you had everything. Once you were sure you had your phone, keys, and wallet, you then realized that you had completely forgotten your purse inside. You whirled around to head back inside when Shayne handed you the black bag, a knowing smirk on his face. 

“They’re open for pickups only,” he told you, pulling your keys from your pocket, “and I’ll drive, I don’t feel like getting pulled over by the cops today.”

“I’m not that bad at driving,” you tried to defend yourself, hurrying after him as he walked off to the parking lot. “I just take the speed limit signs as suggestions but that doesn’t mean I’m bad at it.”

He didn’t respond, instead holding the passenger seat door open for you. His action was answer enough. You slid into the passenger seat and buckled in as he shut the door tight, running around to the other side and sliding into the driver’s seat. 

“What are we going to tell them when you roll up driving my car, huh?” you questioned. “Our friends know we moved into the same apartment because it was cheaper as roommates, not because we started dating. If you roll up driving my car they’ll have questions.”

“It’ll be fine,” he tried to parlay your worries. “Besides, if you’re that concerned about it I can just say you had a headache or didn’t feel like driving after we got to the bagel shop. Not the end of the world.”

You sank back into your seat, coming to terms with the fact that Shayne was not going to let you drive. He pulled out of the parking lot as One Direction played softly in the background, the aux cord trailing from its socket to the connector on your phone as you dictated what you listened to on the way to the bagel shop. 

Shayne got out of the car when you got there, heading in to pick up the order you had called ahead for on the way there. He was back before Temporary Fix ended, handing the bagels over to you as you switched over to Alec Benjamin for the rest of the ride in. 

You ate your bagel on the way in, putting the vegetable spread evenly over the toasted bread and eating it as Water Fountain played. You held out a bit of your bagel, silently asking if Shayne wanted any. He took the bite, smiling when he realized you accidentally got cream cheese on his cheek. You reached out with a napkin and wiped it off before finishing the rest of your bagel. 

You arrived at the offices shortly after, unplugging your phone from the aux and exiting the vehicle. Luckily, no one was outside to see the two of you enter the building. You would say you were walking a little too closely for it to be considered friendly, especially during a pandemic, but everyone knew that the two of you were close friends anyways. Walking close together wouldn’t give anything away. 

“What do you have to film today?” you made small talk in the elevator, getting to your working mindset. You knew what you had to do, film a gaming video with Ian, Noah, and Courtney, as well as take a look and collaborate with the writers on a new skit idea for when production went back to being fully up and running. It would be a short day for you, which wasn’t ideal but at least you got some camera time.

Shayne looked up from his phone. “I’ve got the meeting with the crew and then some gaming videos, I think. We’re also planning for the Christmas video soon, so I’ll probably be with Wardrobe for most of the day.”

You hummed as the elevator doors opened, Shayne tucking his phone away and then sending you a wink. You felt your face burn hot as you scrunched up your nose. You reached up to fix your mask as you waited for the elevator to go up to the main office floor, heading straight for your desk where a pack of Lysol wipes and a temperature gun were waiting. 

Proactive, you thought, using the wipes to clean off the surface of your desk before finally setting your things down. You took your jacket off, draping over the back of your chair before sitting. You had about thirty minutes before your call time so you checked your email and went over a few of the new safety regulations that were put in place for filming.

The most notable were the fifteen-minute COVID tests you would have to take before and after each section of filming, meaning you couldn’t enter or exit the filming area without a negative test. Honestly, that was a good thing if any. At least the company cared in that way. 

Filming took up the rest of your day and when you finally finished with your writer’s meeting, it was six pm. Not as early as a day as you would have hoped but you’ve definitely stayed in the studio for longer so you weren’t going to complain. 

You were sitting at your desk as you waited for Shayne to finish up his meeting, casually chatting with Noah to pass the time. You were sharing one of your quarantine stories when Shayne walked in, heading straight for your desk with his things already collected. 

“Are you ready to go?” he asked, adjusting her jacket. “Also, what do you want for dinner tonight because I was thinking we could have lasagna but if we want lasagna we have to stop by the market on the way.”

You laughed, pulling your jacket on. “I could go for lasagna.”

Noah looked between the two of you, slowly connecting the dots. He pointed at you, a grin on his face as realization crossed his features. “That’s Shayne’s shirt.”

You looked down, realizing that, yeah, you were wearing Shayne’s shirt. You looked over at Shayne who’s cheeks were as red as a tomato. He started stammering, offering reasons as to why you were wearing his shirt. 

You just shrugged, quickly thinking for a way out. “The laundry must have gotten mixed up. Not the first time I’d accidentally worn his shirts.” 

 Noah gave you a look that read that he didn’t quite believe you. But he let it go, taking note of Shayne’s red cheeks and your flustered looks. He smirked, patting your shoulder as he got up. 

“I’ll believe you for now,” he said, leaving the two of you to stew in your minor embarrassment. 

“How long until everyone knows?” you asked Shayne who looked only mildly mortified that Noah was the first to find out. “We weren’t even keeping it a secret either… I’m proud of us anyhow.”

“I guess that means we don’t have to worry about who sees us now,” he said, looking on the bright side. “And yeah, keeping it a secret any longer would have been kinda dumb, wouldn’t it have been.”

You headed to the elevators, linking your arm through Shayne’s. 

“Not excited for the fans to find out, though.”

Shayne looked at you and then looked back at the opening elevator doors. “We don’t have to tell them. It can be Smosh’s little secret.”

TAGLIST

@beautiful-holland​ @toms-order​ @starlightfound​  @positiveparker​ @bippity-boppity-boopa​ @caswinchester2000​ @andreasworlsboring101 @imladylunaticbitch​ @paige0103​ @theofficialzivadavid​

[utterlyinevitable]

Please can you continue the angst and do Bryce and MC breaking up after OHSY?

OK but... why would anyone break up with Bryce Lahela????? 

Bryce and MC (Becca) OHSY/OH3 Breakup 

Bryce and Becca’s relationship has always been easy. Everything flowed - their bodies fit together divinely. It was natural. 

So natural that they didn’t need to verbally define anything. They didn’t need to. 

Now that Keiki was at boarding school Becca could stay over more freely and more often. Nothing could have been better than evenings curled up on his couch with the duvet and a bucket of kettle popcorn.

As soon as they got the official letter that Edenbrook would not be operating any longer, Bryce put in for a transfer at Mass Kenmore. He’d applied to other places but Boston is where he needed to be. He has his apartment and needed to be close to Keiki. 

He was happy and a weight lifted off his shoulders when he got his acceptance letter. 

He kept the news mostly to himself, only casually dropping the info one night when he was grilled about his plans by the gang. 

He was attacked with a hug. Everyone was so happy for him. They celebrated with shots and then the afterparty in Becca’s room was slow and sweet. Savoring. 

For purely selfish reasons Becca would not apply to MK. She did not fit in with the likes of Tobias, June and Landry and really couldn’t trust a hospital that did. The idea of working beside them made her skin crawl.

But she didn’t want to be too far away from the life she built in Boston. 

So she applied everywhere within a 3-hour drive.

Nothing. 

No responses from anywhere, or bland rejections to try again next term. 

So she threw caution to the wind and applied to other cities: LA, Miami, Dallas, San Fran, Phoenix, New York.

Still, she hadn’t heard back from a single one.

In the office one night, while reassigning paperwork, she spoke of the issues with Ethan. 

He considered things and offered to reach out to Chief Fredricks at Weill in NYC.

She wasn’t thrilled about moving back home, but she accepted the gesture nonetheless.

The next week, she had a truly competitive offer from Weill.

The salary package and benefits were astounding. She couldn’t believe it. This opportunity was too good to be true.

She called Bryce immediately. “No way! That’s awesome, Becks!” “I know! And it’s not too far either, we can still spend long weekends together” “Totally. Look at us getting our lives together!”

Then, unexpectedly, Edenbrook was saved and Ethan offered her her position back.

She wanted to accept. Oh, man, did she want to stay. But the Weill gig was too good. Edenbrook could never match that. She’d be a fool to throw this opportunity away.

She declined and Ethan told her the position will still be available whenever she wants it. “You’re one hell of a doctor, Lao. When you’re ready, we’ll be here.” 

She thanked him and promised to revert back after her final year. “We’ll be on the same level then, you ready for that?” “No,” he huffed with a smirk. “You’ll always be a rookie in comparison.”

Later that evening, Bryce was waiting for Becca at her apartment. Every staff member at Edenbrook got the same email about their jobs being reinstated should they want them back. 

He was miffed she didn’t take the Edenbrook job. 

He understands her issue with the MK internal team but... her old job was safe. Nothing has to change for her.

That was the start of the longest goodbye.

They still made the best of their moments together.

He packed up all her things and they took a road trip down to move her in. She stayed in a family-owned apartment in Brooklyn and was lucky enough to save money that way.

It was a cute one bedroom. They christened it immediately.

As they settled further into their residencies and the weeks turned into months. The weekend meetings became less and less. 

Becca made a whole new group of friends and even ran into a few from her youth. She had a new local bar and 24/7 eatery. New parks and food trucks and cocky colleagues to help her destress after an egregious shift. 

Bryce couldn’t stand some of the MK doctors - they were arrogant and cocky, and not in the wholesome way he is. He tried to see the gang as much as possible. But Donahue’s was a bit farther now.

He spent most nights commuting home and leaving Becca video messages about his day when she’s unable to pick up his call.

Bryce never really noticed how lonely he was before Becca and Keiki made his apartment a home.

They’ve spent 4 weekends together before the distancing feelings started settling in. 

They were growing apart.

For their 5th weekend, Becca had to cut it short one day because of a case and then two hours before leaving Bryce was called into emergency surgery. Besides Tanaka, he was the only one available that knew the procedure forwards and backwards. 

Instead, they had a video chat date. They got in their pajamas and snuggled on their respective beds with a snack, some beer and started watching Deadpool 2 together.  

“I was thinking of coming back to Edenbrook next year,” she said randomly during the movie. That week was one of the toughest she’s ever had and all she wanted was the comfort she found in Boston. “That’s the best news I’ve heard in months!” “Better than when that hair product company sent you a free gift basket?” “100%. Without a doubt. I can’t cuddle my hair gel every night and leave kisses all over it’s body. I mean... I could but it’d be weird as hell.”

They talked about what that would be like and how fun living together for real would be.

Everything seemed good. 

They seemed happy. 

They seemed like they were planning a forever. 

Well, one of them was. 

Three months later Bryce finally made it down to see her. Their last few trips had been rescheduled again and again and again and it was finally here. 

He ran out of MK so fast no one dared to stop him. 

Becca planned a very lowkey date night for them in Williamsburg. They had Tacos at a pop up and drinks at an improv studio. Nothing seemed to be different. They held hands over the table at dinner, she rested her head in the crook of his neck perfectly carved to fit her. They joked and laughed as they walked arm in arm back to her place. 

Then why did they feel so distance? 

Why was she having trouble look him in the eye? 

Why did the edges of her lips curl down when she smiled now? 

He held her in his arms, folded her around him as they snuggled on her couch. 

That’s when she told him. A mumble into the heat of his skin. 

“I thought you were coming to Boston when you’re done?” Bryce was stunned. 

He thought they had settled on a plan weeks ago that she’d be back in Boston and they’d share his apartment and they’d start their lives together. 

“I was. But they offered me an opportunity of a lifetime, B. And it’s kinda nice being close to my family... I didn’t realize how much I was missing out on..”

He said the next words so quickly and full of honest intentions: “Do you want me to move?” 

She didn’t expect him to offer that. He knows how important his career is to him. 

“I couldn’t ask you to do that.” “Sure you could. I still have three years left of residency. Could transfer nearby.” “Another transfer? Don’t you think that’ll put you behind?” “I’m the top resident at MK and was at Edenbrook. Didn’t you know?” 

He tried to joke but the way she wouldn’t look him in eye has his chest constricting.

“Do.. do you not want me to move?”

Tbh she hadn’t given much thought to her relationship or goals in months. It was all just wishful thinking when she spoke of things with Bryce. 

She had her eyes on the prize and that was becoming the best doctor of her generation. She’d been much too busy fabricating her new life.

“I don’t know.”

Bryce sat back. He thought she was the one. “What are we doing, Rebecca?”

She gave a confused furrow of her brows.

“Are we end game?” he clarified, trying to keep his calm. 

Her jaw opened and closed, trying and failing to find all the words she needed him to hear; “I don’t know.” “Okay. I’ll tell you what I DO know. I love you and want to spend the rest of my life making you snort and smile. I can transfer residency and move here for you. All I’m asking, is if you feel the same way.”

There was a wall of silence between them towering so high. 

“I love you so much, Bryce.” 

It was said so softly he might’ve missed it if he kept talking.

The sadness etched on her face and the light reflecting off the glistening in her eyes told him she wasn’t ready to commit.

She wasn’t going to commit. 

Bryce grabbed his bag, snatched his keys and wallet from the table, and walked out the door.

[k-writer1998]

Black, White, Grey (3/3)

Having Bang Chan as your best friend is great cause he’s literally the best but not so much when you’ve had a crush on him for a majority of the friendship.

Angst

w.c: 2.1k

Part 1     Part 2

A/N: Depending on the reaction on this last part, I may or may not make an extension/alternate ending thing but don’t get your hopes up 😅

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      It’s been a week and I’ve just been swamped trying to finish up my schedules while my manager finalized the details on the new project. Because of this I hadn’t had any time to see or talk to any of the boys much, but without a doubt Chan has just been super weird all week. He’s been checking in more often and has been more attentive to my responses than normal, what's with him lately? I shook the thought from my mind as my manager pulled up to the JYP building. Don’t dwell on it. If the weird vibe is still there when you stop by then you can worry, if not then you’re over thinking.

“After this last photo shoot you’ll have a few days off to pack. We could be there as long as half a year so make sure you have everything. You sign a few papers on my desk then you get some free time while I get everything organized and faxed over okay? ”

“Got it, I should be around the dance practice rooms but if not I’ll text you.”

“The plane ticket is already settled. Once it gets closer to the date I’ll send you the full details but it should be an evening flight.”

“Okay we can go over it later, let’s go in first.”

      As we turned to the building my feet froze in place as my eyes connected with Minho’s. Shit, no one was supposed to find out. My manager looked between the two of us before telling me that he would meet me inside. Minho’s eyes narrowed at me as he came up. I avoided his gaze, instead taking notice of the drinks in his hand and tried to deflect.

“Did you lose a game and have to go buy everyone drinks?” I smiled.

“Yeah, but what was that about? Where are you going?”

“... do I have the option to withhold that information?”

“I mean you can, I’ll just ask Chan-hyung.”

“Wait, don’t! I kinda… didn’t tell him either…”

“Okay now you have to spill if not even your best friend knows. Does it have to do with Chan-hyung?”

“No, I’m not that dramatic,” I rolled my eyes, “I’ve actually been planning this for a while and I finally got the opportunity to do it. I’ve never brought it up because nothing was set in stone yet.”

“Well how long have you known?”

“Since last week…”

“A week? So you’re going overseas for six months for whatever and you didn’t plan on telling any of us?”

“I mean I’ve had to finish a lot of things and we both were so busy-”

“Were you going to tell us today?”

      He knew it was all excuses and he was calling me out on my bullshit. I wasn’t planning on telling then until probably the day before the flight because I can’t do goodbyes. I knew they would all be happy for me, even encourage me, but there was something about all of that that made it harder for me to go. I was already dealing with a heavy heart about Chan, I didn’t need another thing weighing me down when I’m barely functioning as it. It was selfish I know but I needed at least some mental stability intact if I was going to be doing this.

“I wasn’t… but I have my reasons okay?”

“Yeah, okay,” he scoffed as he turned to the door.

“Minho wait,” I called as I grabbed his arm, “I’m sorry okay? A lot has happened in such a short period of time and I’m trying to deal with it all but my brain can’t catch up and I don’t know how to put everything into words right now. I’ll tell the others on my own terms but please keep this a secret for now.”

      I saw his jaw tense as he kept his eyes closed for a moment before he turned to glare at me. His eyes scanned my face for a moment before he sighed and I relaxed a bit.

“Fine. But you better hurry up about it. I’m not keeping it for long.”

“Thanks Minho, I will. I’ll meet you at the studio in a bit okay?”

      He shooed me away and I gave his arm a brief hug before meeting my manager inside so I could sign what he needed then left to go meet the boys. Hanging out was pretty normal minus a bit of extra attitude from Minho and Chan being less weird but still not himself. The next two days were filled with me figuring out what to pack while fighting the little voice in my head that wanted me to just stay in bed and never leave. I’m currently staring at my phone, living room strewn with things that need to be packed, as I tried to figure out how to text the boys I’m leaving without everyone getting mad… especially a certain someone. As I erased yet another failed attempt at trying to tell them, my door chimed as my door code was being inputted. Before I could think of who it was, Chan bursted in and I got up to meet him halfway. He was breathing heavily, looking quite the mess but the troubling factor was his eyes. They were red and filled with confusion, betrayal, pain… God damn it Minho couldn’t you have given me more time?

"Why didn't you tell me you were leaving? What happened to no secrets? Why is it that I had to find out from Minho?!"

“Chan calm down… I was about to tell everyone, no one was supposed to know before. Minho only knows because he overheard it while I was talking with my manager. He wasn't supposed to say anything though..."

"Why? Did you just want to disappear before I could say anything?"

"I didn’t mean to keep a secret okay? I have my reasons for hiding it just like you have your reasons for hiding whatever has been making you so weird lately," I countered.

      I wasn’t the only one who was going to be confronted. I mean his reaction was a bit extreme just for an overseas trip, even if it was an unannounced one, but if we’ve already reached this point might as well get some answers. 

“What are your reasons then? And I haven’t been weird.”

“I’ll tell you once you tell me because we both know that you aren’t being yourself. You’re treating me like glass, as if anything you do will hurt me,” I narrowed my eyes at him.

“I'm not, I just don't know how to act when- It's just when Minho-" he ran a frustrated hand through his hair before he asked, barely above a whisper, "Are… are you leaving because of me?"

"What? Chan, why would you-" 

      My heart stopped. As the pieces fell in place, the color drained from my face. It makes sense. Why he’s been so weird lately and that nagging feeling that I’ve been having that something was wrong… 

"How long?"

“I-”

“Chan don’t act like you don’t know what I’m asking.”

"Since a week and a half ago..."

      A week and a half ago? The only time I would have talked about it where he could catch it was…

“… you weren’t asleep were you?”

“I was! But I woke up because of Minho and I was trying to go back to sleep when…” 

      Panic flushed his face as he explained himself and I just numbly nodded in understanding. I couldn’t help but sigh at what was unraveling right now. I’ve been getting away with it for so long that I wasn’t careful. That’s on me. 

“Can we just go back to normal, please? This whole treating me like I’m porcelain, being super careful about what you do and the constant glances,I hate it.” 

“I- I just… I don’t know how to act. You’re my best friend and I love you but-”

      I cut him off before he finished. The pure confusion written all over his face reminds me why I’ve hidden this for years. The frustration at myself boils beneath my skin, I’m trying not to let Chan’s actions get to me… but it does. It fuels my anger more, I don’t need pity and I don’t need protection.

"Chan, there is no option where I’m not hurt in some way. Would you leave Eunhye to be with me, break two hearts at the price of one? Or would you just not date anyone to protect my feelings at the price of your own? Do you think I’d be happy or even okay with you doing that?!” I snapped.

      He was shocked at my sudden fire of questions. He stayed silent, trying to find an answer but the growing conflict that spread across his face was the only answer I needed. I let out a sigh, so much has happened. Him finding a girl he likes, me getting that overseas audition, him finding out about my feelings… it’s overwhelming. I take a moment to collect myself before I speak again.

“Sorry… I just… I hoped to never have this conversation.”

      The lost look in his eyes broke my heart because I know that look. He’s nearly perfected hiding his feelings from his facial expressions, but his eyes always betrayed him. They held fear and slight panic as they darted around my face, trying to figure out my next move.

“I’m okay Chan,” I offered him a weak smile, “We’ve known each other for far too long and that’s how I know I was never an option. If there was a chance for an “us” I of all people would have caught it, don’t you think?”

       He averted his gaze, the guilt washing over him as he shrank back and started to fiddle with the hem of his hoodie sleeve. I took a step forward, placing my hands on the sides of his face and gently brought him to look back at me. I’ve done this countless times when I found him in one of his lows, where doubt and uncertainty had found its way into his heart. Something so intimate that belonged to us, at this moment, was yet another grey area that was finally finding clarity. I know that after this things will change and neither Chan or me want that… but we’ll have to learn to live with it. 

“Your heart's too big Chan, and I can't blame you. It's one of the reasons I fell for you, but you know what's in your heart. It’s obvious you really like her and that’s okay-”

“But I’m hurting you…”

“Deep down I’ve always prepared myself for this. Even if it hurts now, it won’t hurt forever and I’m wholeheartedly overjoyed that you found someone that makes you happy. So let’s stop this already okay?”

“Then why are you crying… stupid…” Chan questioned with a soft voice.

      Damn it… I promised myself I wouldn’t cry. Chan removed my hands from his face as he drew me in for a hug. I rested my forehead on his shoulder, taking in his scent as his warmth encased me. I couldn’t stop myself so I succumbed to the wave of tears that spilled from my eyes, his hoodie balling in my hands as I clung to him. It was a while before my tears stopped but Chan still rubbed circles on my back like he always did whenever I broke down. Once the tears dried and I took a moment for myself to remember this feeling… the feeling of him… I pulled away.

“I wasn’t running away from you. I got a call for a Hollywood film I auditioned for… I have to go to LA for a call back and if it works out I stay. I didn’t want to tell anyone yet in case I don’t end up landing the role you know?”

“Oh my gosh that's amazing," he responded excitedly before the remorse set in, "I’m sorry. This was a big step for you and I made it about myself… I may have thought a bit too much when I found out,” he awkwardly laughed, rubbing the back of his neck.

“You and Minho both. I’m not that dramatic to run away because of a broken heart. Do you not know me Chan?” I tease.

“My bad,” he smiled, “but we are good still… right?” 

“Yes and since you’re here did you want to stay and help me pack?” I asked, poking his side and returning the smile.

“I mean I kind of just bolted out of the dorm so why not, I’m getting in trouble anyways.”

[bangtanblurbs]

abyss

song: abyss by jin

first experience: as a relatively new song, i remember clearly abyss’ drop. 12/2/2020 - several months into whatever quarantine had come to mean by that point, thanksgiving had just past and christmas was coming up in a matter of weeks. those few weeks between the holidays often pass by in a blur for me. holidays are hard. they’re not the romantic times they always were when i was a child. once again i’d been sitting at home in my tiny studio apartment, freezing, trying to crank through work and school obligations. i can assure you my headspace was less than great, between the cold, the holiday season, the deadlines that had piled up... abyss dropping was the perfect medicine for how i was feeling. 

feelings: when i listen to abyss i can’t help but feel emotional. of course. naturally the accompanying note that came with abyss was heartbreaking enough. but at the same time, the song feels like home. it feels like walking into my apartment after a long day and slipping into my favorite hoodie that desperately needs to be thrown into the wash. the familiar feeling brings about warmth despite the sobering reality that i’m still here, by myself, slipping into my ratty clothing and climbing into bed to disassociate from the self-hatred, stress, obligation, and grief i carry daily. the reality is, listening to abyss is like listening to my inner voice. i’m not saying i understand jin, or any of the shit he’s obviously gone through and dealt with in his very colorful life, but i feel close to him whenever i put the song on. i feel like as i grow older - i grow into myself - i grow into the pain i’ve harbored for years now. while i sometimes feel like i’m drowning in the abyss, at least i have the comfort that my feelings aren’t as alien as they seem. especially for someone who has been fortunate in life in many ways - this song shows me that i’m still *allowed* to hurt. i’m still allowed to carry my pain and feel it flow through me. 

i must also say, that my heart broke many times know that jin feels the emotions that abyss conveys. the self-doubt, the anxiety... how we all must wish we could wash it away. i only hope with all of my heart that he’s been given time, space, and resources to process his emotions fully. i can’t imagine carrying what he’s carrying and having the schedule he has. bless. 

personal connection: as alluded to, i’m not the most stable person. i can post happy photos online, i can breathe my idealism into others, i can love with the full capacity of my heart - but i have plenty of demons. i’m not sure where they came from, i noticed them around the time i became a teenager - that sinking feeling that all aspects of my existence are ugly, undesirable, annoying. these demons have never gone away. no matter how much i strive for my dreams, no matter what i accomplish, the amount of solitude that exists in my life allows for the cracks in my heart to rip open forcefully. 

it’s this very thinking that limits me. i don’t believe in myself. i don’t really believe in anything if i’m being honest. everything feels dark. there’s ups and downs. much how jin describes in the song - i desperately want to be a part of a more vibrant existence. i deeply want to connect with others, but the anxiety, the self doubt, the hatred i harbor, they’re paralyzing. simple tasks - texting a friend to make plans, following through with plans, speaking in a group setting, advocating for myself, they’re all things i’d rather shut the door on. vulnerability? i can’t open myself up for any more pain. in my mind, i’d rather retreat to the darkness, convincing myself i’m not worthy of taking another’s time, space, efforts. and i get overwhelmed, the feelings that jin is describing perfectly - having someone take an interest in me - having someone show me love... it feels false, it takes my breath away, only makes me question more. it makes me wonder how long i’ll indulge them before i push them away and move to my own abyss. 

in abyss jin isn’t even talking about another person. he’s speaking to himself. there’s not a romantic or even friendship he’s speaking of in the song. it’s more about like - is it okay for me to feel happy or hopeful? am i someone who should be allowed to meet happiness? this is something i relate to even more profoundly than the previously mentioned worries over letting new people into my life. ever since i went off to university from my kinda shitty hometown i wondered... is this life something i’m allowed to have for myself? am i worthy of it? did i do anything to deserve the place i’m at? i feel often like my work, my thoughts, my actions -- they’re not enough to place me in some of the places i’ve been lucky enough to have a seat. these doubts can cripple me with inaction and keep me chained to the present, or at the very least held back from progress and moving forward. these feelings were exactly what i was going through in december. do i deserve to be pursuing my phd? am i worthy? i haven’t accomplished near what my peers have, and i probably never will... i’m not as passionate as the others i pass by in the hallways, those i share a floor with at meetings... i’m a shell compared to them. should i retreat to my abyss rather than continue to occupy space where i don’t feel i’m allowed to be? am i allowed to celebrate and feel happiness when i’m not really doing as well as i could be?

obviously this sounds like whining, it sounds pathetic. and perhaps to someone it is, but it’s the reality of my mind. it’s something i bear and it’s something i’m finally okay sharing with others. i don’t know how to overcome these emotions i harbor - but that feeling of feeling most comfortable in my abyss, in the dark, in the little world i’ve created in my lonely haven... that’s my reality. that’s the feeling that i’ve connected to when i listen to abyss. it’s those moments when you look our your window, at your phone, and you see the outside world moving rapidly in the sunlight, and you can’t help but feel you don’t deserve to be a part of it... you can’t help but know that your true place is in the abyss. the pleasure i receive from escaping reality is unexplainable. and sometimes, it’s pleasure in the fact that i’m punishing myself, putting myself in the dark and ugly place i think i truly belong. that abyss - it’s my haven. it’s my sanctuary. 

song breakdown:

musically: abyss is beautifully understated musically, but not in a way that makes it a stripped vocal song... but instead in a way that highlights the emotion laden in jin’s voice. the piano backing picks up with the song and brings in some effects along the way to highlight the emotional pauses between the heavy lyrics. its the perfect ballad. truly. the incorporation of a steady beat track at the second verse also ads to the emotions of feeling like something is dragging, the monotony of these emotions as one carries through each day. 

the dramatic pauses that lead into the verses and highlight the pure emotion carried in jin’s tone also bring emphasis to the powerful refrain in the chorus - it’s almost reminiscent of personal realizations, personal *epiphanies* one might say. that moment where you draw in a big breath and gulp it down before confronting your demons. while the track keeps it’s steady pace, it does what it should for this piece - highlights the beauty of jin’s voice, and carries the weight of the emotions in the lyrics. 

vocally: honestly, just wow. jin’s voice, is absolutely stunning in this song. completely breathtaking in the best kind of way. i say this with nothing but complete respect - jin’s vocals have done nothing but improve and grow in strength over time to the complete crisp perfection they are today. the amount of emotion he carries in his tone is also perfect to deliver such a profound ballad as abyss. i hope he knows that we can feel every ounce of truth and healing he put into the song. 

we all know jin is the high note king, but he honestly ops for more of a storytelling vibe in this song, keeping within his lower register throughout the verses. it really isn’t until we are mid-chorus that we get the breathtaking high note during the line “ 잠기고 싶어 가보고 싶어.” this is perhaps the most profound lyric of the chorus as well, since it’s the moment in which jin expresses a desire. most of the lyrics up to that point explain a state of being, his emotions, but at this point - he is almost calling out his desire. his painful desire. to stay lost within in his abyss. it’s painful and stunningly beautiful at the same time.

the genius of the entire song was jin delivering abyss in a way that we don’t always hear him sing in BTS songs. the buttery smoothness of his voice is on full display, with no need to stay in his high register for long we can really hear the weight in his tone, the pleading in his voice, the sincerity. it’s sobering, and it’s powerful. and i must say, i can’t wait to get more songs like this from jin in the future. i hope he continues to share his heart, his voice, and his talent with us. 

lyrically: oh man. this one is a deep cut. you can really feel jin’s voice throughout the lyrics of abyss. the accompanying note that he released with the song brings a lot of context and understanding to the lyrics. in the note jin explains feeling inadequate and insecure in light of the amazing accomplishments that BTS had made over the years, specifically highlighting the #1 on Billboard Hot 100. he explains that he felt like his passion and talents were lacking compared to others in music, and felt undeserving of the love, joy, and recognition he received. his emotions seem to be similar to those of imposter syndrome, feeling like he doesn’t belong in a space he inhabits and actually receives accolades for existing within. what’s more telling is in this note jin expresses his apprehension to share these sadder emotions he harbors. this song is so incredibly raw for being a place in which jin finally found a space in which to express his feelings, let them run freely and beautifully without the concern that he needed to stay strong for ARMY.

to jump right into a closer analysis of the lyrics - the song begins with a story like vibe. the first lyric “i hold my breath as i walk into my sea” brings about the image of the speaker (i apologize in advance if i alternate between speaker and jin) beginning their descent into deeper waters of the ocean. the speaker is bracing for this though, as they are the one propelling it forward with enough pacing to prepare and hold their breath. to me, this is alluding to jin knowing that he’s falling into a darker space in his mind, consciously allowing himself to slip into that space. he then moves into describing his state “i face myself who is crying beautifully and sorrowfully.” jin is describing that he’s taking account of his state, speaking to himself and seeing the distraught state that exists within his mind -- seeping into his outer appearance. 

the pre-chorus moves into a different vibe, jin addresses the duality in himself. he recognizes both the parts of himself that are strong - that can shoulder and carry the parts of him that are deeply broken and sad. “myself in that darkness / i’d like to go find him and tell him” this is jin speaking with clarity to his broken self, his rationality coming through to speak to the parts of him that are insecure and hurting. “that i’d like to know more about you today, yeah” perhaps this is jin’s way of saying that he wishes he understood himself better, that he wishes he could more confidently identify the emotions he was feeling and process them fully. the pre-chorus in my mind is jin using some clarity to check in with himself and take inventory of his state when he’s in his darkest moments.

the chorus picks up and delivers a few devastatingly beautiful and sobering lines. “still, i remain with myself / with my voice unable to come out, i just circle around him.” this is where we see the ultimate conclusion of the engagement in the pre-chorus... jin’s insecurity and pain keeps his strength from winning out. the duality in his being still exists, but in this moment it’s the pain, the insecurity, the feelings of inadequacy that have won out. “that dark place, / i’d like to be submerged in it, i’d like to go to it / i’ll be there” jin then places us back into the story he started in the beginning of the song - he’s submerged in the abyss, the darkest and deepest point of the ocean. he speaks to taking the time to really feel the emotions that he is harboring, causing him pain. while this could be a conscious decision he is making to better understand and process his emotions it’s also likely that this desire is rooted in self-loathing, a desire to self-punish for his perceived shortcomings. the pleasure that sometimes one can gain from fully feeling pain that they believe they deserve. the line about being submerged also brings about the image of an anchor in my mind - like these emotions are weighing jin down. while anchors may sink slowly (like slowly taking a breath and walking into the sea) they’re hard to pull back up -- they want to stay seated to the ground, where they belong to do their job. perhaps jin is in some ways alluding to this. either way, the chorus is about a desire to remain in the dark place, where it feels safe, where he feels he deserves to be. the final line is “today as well, i circle around you again.” which brings us back to the pre-chorus dialogue between jin’s duality - the part of him that may rationally understand that he deserves love, that he works hard, that he is worthy... but yet this part can’t seem to gain control over the darker feelings within him... so there’s this idling, this perpetual circle of inaction. 

moving into the second verse this interaction occurring within jin’s inner being continues. “the closer i get to you, the more breathless i become and the father away you feel” while this line is a bit more difficult for me to completely understand what i think he is speaking to is that as he begins to think he understands his emotions, when he thinks he might be regaining his confidence he realizes he is only scratching the surface. he realizes that there’s more to his darker emotions than he’d initially thought. perhaps he thought he was just having a bad day or feeling in funk, but then he realizes that there’s a piece of him that he doesn’t quite understand and perhaps isn’t ready to understand as the word “breathless” invokes a feeling of overwhelm. the second and closing line of the verse is “wouldn’t it be that you went deeper into the sea, yeah” invoking that these darker emotions only continue to grow, evolve, and perhaps overwhelm. he feels like he can’t quite pull himself out of the place he’s in, no matter what he tries. 

the pre-chrous as analyzed above then repeats, although the meaning is somewhat different when following the second verse. this is because the nature of the second verse is more hopeless in nature, therefore while jin would like to be able to regain some control over these darker feelings -- he’s just expressed that as he tries he finds it more overwhelming and difficult. finds himself moving further into the dark emotions. 

the final chorus is different that the previous - the lyrics change and while they continue a deeply sorrowful theme, they also bring about some hope. the first line, “still, i remain with you” is telling. jin is reminding himself that even if he feels consumed by these emotions, the other components of him still exist. he isn’t just the darker feelings that have taken precedence. he can have his confidence when he’s ready, he can maintain his duality. all aspects of jin, even if he’s feeling broken. “with my voice unable to come out, i just circle around him.” even if he feels he can’t gain control of these emotions, he can be patient with himself, he can know that there’s the potential that he can overcome, but also he knows that it’s okay in this moment to just feel. “that dark place / i’d like to be submerged in it, i’d like to go to it” this line is re-emphasizing jin’s desire to stay in the place where he feels comfortable, where he can feel his darker emotions, where he things he truly deserves to be. “today as well, like this, i close my eyes to get to you.” this is the final line of the song and it delivers a sense of comfort. no matter what, jin knows that he can be at peace - he may have these darker emotions, but he can close his eyes, he can rest and carry all aspects of his emotional state. the dark, the light, the highs and the lows. he can take his time in the abyss when he needs to. 

tl;dr? abyss is one of those songs that anyone who has struggled with self-doubt, dabbled or dipped fully into self-hatred can identify with. many people i’m sure have their own abyss. their own place in their mind where they’d like to lock themselves in - a prison of their own design that in one way might be one’s punishment for their perceived shortcomings, but also can be a paradise when a beautiful being seemingly undeserved reality feels like too much to bear. jin’s artistry both in terms of lyrics and vocals are on full display in the song - showing his amazing range and delivering a piece full of emotional tones. abyss is a stunning piece of the man’s mind and heart that i am extremely grateful to be able to experience. 

[peace-coast-island]

Diary of a Junebug

Cozy knits, cardamom donuts, and turtledove butterflies

There's something so warm and inviting about hand knitted stuff. Maybe I'm biased because I'm a knitter, but there's really something special about knitting things. With needles and yarn, the possibilities are endless!

This gyroid event is a cozy knitwear theme, a collaboration between Daisy Jane, Tiffani, and Rowan. Collecting gyroids around the camp has been putting me in the mood to knit again, specifically a big project.

It's been years since I've made a sweater but I really feel like making one. Sweaters tend to be a hit or miss with me, which is why I rarely make them. Measurements aren't my strong suit but they're a big deal if you're making clothes. Constant counting as well because you have to make sure you have the exact amount of stitches or else everything's off. Also, it takes commitment to make a sweater, even a simple one, so that's another reason why I stick to simple projects like scarves.

I'm in the process of looking up simple sweater patterns so let's see how long this spark of motivation lasts. Making a sweater can be frustrating and time consuming, but it really is rewarding when it's finally finished.

Tiffani and Rowan are here with us at the camp to join in on the event as well as take a well deserved vacation. I feel like it's been forever since I've seen either one - Tiffani had dropped by the camp a couple years ago while Rowan's been out and about traveling the world. It was a pleasant surprise to find out that they've been working on gyroid designs with Daisy Jane.

I'm glad to see many entourage members thriving, especially after things went downhill with the university. Tiffani started her own fashion line called Stellar where everything's ethically made and a good portion of the proceeds go to charities that help abuse victims. Being a survivor of child abuse, Tiffani puts a lot of time and effort to use her influence to spread awareness and resources to help those who need it.

Rowan, a figure skater, is the co-founder of Stellar. He too grew up in an abusive household and is also an activist for abuse victims as well as the trans community. He's got an interesting story, one of victory as he and a couple friends were responsible for taking down a corrupt fashion design label.

In fact, he's working on a memoir tentatively titled "How I Destroyed Traynor's By Being Super Fake". The title alone sounds like an interesting read. People have approached him for years about writing a book, something he was considering as he had a lot to say about his father and stepmother. By now enough time has passed that his ex-family are beyond caring so he can freely talk about them without dealing with their associates threatening him.

Rowan always had a complicated relationship with his father. His mother died of cancer when he was ten and he never forgave his father for not letting him say goodbye to her. Not too long after that Wilfred married his mistress Caitlin and Rowan gained two step-siblings, Portia and Chad. Wilfred and Caitlin created Traynor's Fashion, an elite luxury label that developed quite a reputation.

Growing up in that household was torture for Rowan, so he left as soon as he could. He found solace in ice skating, an activity he and his mom bonded over. Rowan practiced for hours while his so-called family mocked him and eventually his efforts led to him getting a scholarship with a shot at a career in competitive figure skating.

Unfortunate circumstances and burnout forced Rowan to go back home, where he was known as the loser who couldn't kick it in the real world. Determined to get out, Rowan tried to work his way up in Traynor's, only to remember that hard work at a place like that won't get him anywhere, especially for someone like him. Rowan considered fashion design as a backup if figure skating didn't work out, but Traynor's was the absolute last place he wanted to start over. He only stayed for a few months before getting kicked out because of Portia and Chad.

Rowan would’ve been broke and homeless if it weren’t for aspiring fashion designers Victor, Ella, and Michele. The three were screwed over by Traynor’s and were trying to put together evidence to bring the company down. Victor used to work there before getting thrown under the bus in order for the company to save face. If it wasn't for that alone, Victor would've quit anyway because of the toxic environment and questionable ethics. Michele, another fashion designer, had her career end before it even started when Portia and Chad stole her work and accused her of plagiarism. Ella was the founder of Fairytale Castle, a small fashion company that ended up shutting down because friends of Wilfred and Caitlin were sent to harass her and sabotage her designs.

With Rowan on their side, exposing Traynor’s corruption became a reality. By disguising himself as a snooty fashion designer named Creighton Adcock, Rowan was able to infiltrate the studio. He wore a ridiculous getup and sported an exaggerated English accent - the more fake he came across, the more believable he was. It was pure torture, having to pander to his so-called family but it was so totally worth it.

The big expose took place on an important night for Traynor's and overnight the company fell. Spite and revenge had never been sweeter. Most of the employees as well as Rowan's ex-family were stacked with numerous charges like harassment, assault, embezzling, tax evasion, unethical practices, etc - they got what they deserved. Of course, there was backlash but once that died down, Rowan and the others were ready to move on.

Rowan went back to ice skating, though more for performance than competition - which was the reason why he almost quit in the first place. While posing as Creighton, Rowan had to sit through some shit, so to unwind, he would go out to the ice rink. Being on the ice made him realize how much he missed skating, though not the competition part. Rowan always says he's more of a performer than a competitor - the latter being the reason why he almost gave up because it took away the fun for him.

As for fashion, he does some design on the side like Tiffani. Then the two got together and launched Stellar earlier this year. He considers his relationship with fashion design as a sort of love-hate thing. For obvious reasons Rowan grew to resent it, especially when his father tried to force him into the business. He didn't hate it entirely, but when it's associated with people who failed to give you a good upbringing, it's hard to separate the two. Though since meeting Jamie and going back to skating, Rowan's slowly stepping back into the fashion design world after being on the fence about it for so long.

Joining forces with Tiffani and starting Stellar was unexpected. The partnership just came together and before they knew it, they were coming up with a bunch of ideas together. I honestly was surprised to hear from Jamie that Rowan was working on fashion designs. Then Stellar launched not too long after and it's actually been kinda therapeutic for Rowan and Tiffani.

I'm glad that both of them are out there living their best lives, far, far away from their abusers - most of whom are in jail, thankfully. They got lucky and after what they've been through, they want to do whatever they can to help other abuse victims. They're the kind of people who keep their word and they actively work to make the world a better place. No performative bullshit here.

Tiffani and Rowan have been here for a couple days now, enjoying the camp and all its lovely scenery. We've been collecting knit gyroids around the camp and checking in with OK Motors. Rowan had some car trouble so it was lucky that it managed to survive the long trip from Peace Coast to here. Since his car's pretty old, the repairs will take a while, which he doesn't mind. Beppe's also throwing in a free paint job so the car will be like new once it's finished.

Yesterday we went to the mountain trail, where not only we found gyroids, but also turtledove butterflies. They only show up around this time and after three years, I finally got to see them! I hardly venture around these parts because it's kinda out of the way but now I'm slowly expanding my horizons.

Turtledove butterflies are such majestic creatures. From the way they flutter about, their soft blue and white patterned wings contrasting nicely with the mountain view - like straight out of a lovely painting!

There's so much around the camp that I have yet to explore, I hope one day I'll know these places like the back of my hand.

Along the way and back we collected gyroids. Crafting gyroid furniture is always fun, seeing what kind of stuff we can make from them. I love the cozy knitwear aesthetic so much, it's easily one of my favorite themes! Tiffani, Rowan, and Daisy Jane did an amazing job with the designs. Given how much fun they had with the planning, there's likely going to be a second collaboration in the future, which I'm definitely looking forward to.

In between collecting gyroids and camp activities, we also got into knitting. That's why I've been in a knitting mood again. Rowan just learned how to knit last year and it's his new favorite hobby. He made a pair of leg warmers that look super snazzy, Tiffani's working on a cute beanie, Daisy Jane got started on a pretty lace scarf, and I just finished with a beaded headband.

Now I'm looking for sweater patterns and I already have some saved. Since I'm rusty with clothes, I'm sticking to something simple. The seed stitch ones are catching my eye as it's a simple pattern that looks nice, especially in pastel since that's what I've been into lately. Hopefully by tomorrow I have settled on a pattern so I can get started while I'm in the mood.

Today was a chill day where we stayed at the main camp. In between crafting, collecting, and camping, we baked donuts. I was kinda intimidated by donuts because it involves using the deep fryer but the whole process itself isn't too complicated. Making the dough was easy, using the deep fryer took some getting used to.

We made a bunch of different kinds - cardamom cream, apple cider, vanilla spice, and pumpkin pecan. The cardamom and vanilla ones are from Emilia Eats, the apple cider from Rustic Kitchen, and pumpkin pecan from Calico Bakery. They're all great, though if I had to choose, my favorite would be the cardamom cream. Pumpkin pecan comes a close second.

Since the donuts were a hit, we're thinking of baking cookies next. Tiffani wants to try out a black sesame recipe, Daisy Jane bookmarked a maple hazelnut recipe, Rowan has his eye on chocolate chip cheesecake cookies, and I always wanted to try earl grey shortbread.

Right now, we're enjoying donuts while knitting and crafting gyroids. Rowan's really becoming a pro at knitting as he wants to take on cables next. I kinda have a love-hate relationship with cables - they look good but take a bit of effort. I'll admit I haven't quite mastered them yet as I can't do a simple cable without having to refer to a pattern as a reference.

Warm, cozy knitwear and fresh baked goods - it doesn't get any better than that!

[thegorydamnreaper]

Long Post! the rest of the ask & my answer below the cut!

Hi! I have a few more words to say than the alloted 500 characters of an ask, hope you don’t mind.

I wanted to disscuss with you if you have time, the fact that Pierce Brown managed to get full control of writing for the RR tv show. I know it’s too early to say something, but in the light of recent events (awful finales and so), I became more aware of how amazing it is. I really think our high hopes will be paid off handsomely.

I don’t know about you, but…when I look back at what my favorite RR characters have done in the series, I think that I am so bloodydamn grateful that Pierce Brown is the writer for the tv show.

Simply because, if we look at what the writers have done to Daenerys Targaryen, we can conclude that purity police would have wank material for decades to come.

I mean, all of the Gold characters (and Darrow) killed an innocent in the Passage. In Iron Gold Darrow burnt a slaver (who was also a genocidal maniac and according to Apollonius, not that repetant about it either). In Morning Star Virginia comdemned and killed her own twin brother (another genocidal maniac). Sevro keeps in mind the number of people he killed with his razor alone inventarized by Color. Victra forsakes everything when it comes to saving her kids, even morals or the benefit of the doubt. The Telemanuses are not on friendly terms with demokracy and they let vengence cloud their judgement. Cassius facilitated the death of a comrade and of his liege (although, they deserved it) and killed Fitchner and put his head in a box.

By that logic, we should have all these people go mad at the sound of bells and start attacking people at random. All that in order to justify their deaths (preferably by a ‘pure-hearted’ loved one). Awful right!

Thing is, Pierce Brown has established over and over again that 1. Revolution is necessary by any means (and Golds aren’t the type to just accept that, it’s not in their culture or DNA) and 2. You have to destroy (old ways) so you can rebuild (a new world).

What he also made very clear was that everyone has their sins, every character can be the villain is someone else’s story and…basically nobody is perfect. Nothing is black and white. Human souls are made out of shades of grey.

This stupid idea that revolutions always need to be peaceful, otherwise they are evil, is just that. Stupid! If the status quo is inherently wrong from its roots (even for the class it benefices), it should be radically changed. And if force is necessary (and it is, the author established that and reinforced it over and over again every change he got and in a way that it felt natural), then it should be used. Even Cassius, who protected the status quo despite the fact that it took his away his twin (indirectly), realised that it should be changed.

Demokracy is radical change for the status quo. But you cannot make it without the proper tools - power to destroy the symbols of the old world. Virginia installed demokracy because she (with the Rising and all the allies) conquered Luna first. And they all did it using force and manipulation. Otherwise it couldn’t have been done.

And she tried! Tried to change the status quo without demokracy. Tried to make conpromises. First, she tried to back up rights for lowColors and interColor couples. She joined the Reformist current. We all know how frowned upon they are in Gold Society. And how that never really worked in the midst of Civil War (although she is presented with a chance - Nero called the Reformists to ally with him, but he planned to kill them after he was done using them).

Then she compromised when she thought Darrow dead for months, Sevro wasn’t answering her, she lost the battle at Deimos against Roque and the only thing standing between Adrius and her son was some asteroids and the secrecy of his birth. She negociated with Octavia and asked to be ArchGovernor of Mars so her son could get the chance to live. I mean…the Rim forces were in theters and it was only so long until Octavia gained the Rim back. And she led the rebels. Of course, she would have gotten a death sentence or prison and her son would have been taken hostage or worse. Thing is, she was desperate. Otherwise she wouldn’t have done it.

Point is, in terms of revolutionary themes, morally grey characters, grey morality in general, the RR series cannot be adapted as anything else, but what it actually is if it has any hopes of being well-done. And the fact that the author who created this series in the first place will write full-time for the tv series is a blessing. Simply because, we know that we won’t wake up with ‘burning slavers was bad all along and is a sign of madness’.

I know it is a low bar to set, but given that a show of such magnitude did that, I kinda have to.

Of course, the books aren’t perfect, but the show can capitalise on that and improve things.

Thing is, I don’t want some purist approach to this series in any way, shape or form. It causes bias and messes up the entire story. And even the smallest chance that we’ll get the adaptation we deserve really makes me happy.

What so you think, though? About PB’s approach to revolution and grey morality? Would he be able to pull it off in the show as well? (I do think he can if he isn’t inpedimented).

Also, do you also have high hopes for the RR show?

Sorry for the long rant, I just need to get it off my chest ( I don’t take well to my faves being disposed off for the sake of some centrist garbage).

–

Hi darling!!! I love all of this! I’ll do my best to answer and expand on your thoughts, but it might get a bit ramble-y at times. Also idk why but the format is all screwed up BUT! here we go:

Firstly, and this is something I’ve said before and will keep on saying: THE CREATOR OF A STORY WILL ALWAYS KNOW MORE ABOUT IT THAN MOVIE/TV STUDIOS. They are the ones that created a world that became successful in the first place. Why anyone would want to deviate from something that has already been proven itself to an audience is beyond me. So good for PB, because at the very least we can trust that the end product will be truer to the books than any other failed shows/movie we’ve seen in the past.

Now some thoughts on books involving revolutions and revolutionaries:

1. They are inherently bloody, brutal, and violent. It’s the victors (the revolutionaries OR the old regime, depending on the story) that get to write the story of what happened, and they often gloss over their own crimes to portray themselves as heroes. Truth is hard to find, because it’s all perspective. THAT BEING SAID, revolutions are not inherently bad. In RR, even the Golds are harmed by the Society, though they’re supposedly at the top. Remember Julian? Or any of the other Golds that died at the Institute? Or how the Institute was rigged in favor of the Jackal, even if he didn’t deserve to win? The ONLY reason that happened is because the Society was inherently toxic. Sacrifices will have to be made in order to bring about a new, better, world - otherwise it’s just not a realistic story. 

2. How does Red Rising differ from GOT on this? (Brace yourselves for a lot of salt here!) With GOT, Daenerys Targaryen, arguably the greatest revolutionary thinker for the duration of ASOIAF, experienced a fatal case of bad writing at the very end. But, looking back to what the real character wanted, it’s clear that she never punished those who were undeserving, even if it was brutal at times. Those that betrayed her were afraid of the change she would bring, because it meant they would those their power. In my opinion, Dany never would have set KL on fire on purpose - that’s a lot more Cersei. When faced with enemies, Cersei is brutal and utterly callous when planning their destruction. I think it’s far more in character for her to have set KL on fire by blowing the wildfire caches, than it is for Dany to hear bells and go “mad.” I can talk more about this, but let’s look to RR characters now.

All of your points on Darrow/Mustang/Sevro/Victra/Cassius are all spot-on. None of them are blameless. But I want to point out what might possibly be one of Darrow’s greatest “crimes” and a great analogue to the burning of KL- the burning of the Docks of Ganymede.

The death count was mind-boggling, the people innocent - and still, Darrow made the choice to burn them. Yes, Victra gave the order, but it wasn’t her call to make. He annihilated them, because he wanted to prevent further destruction. It was a calculated move, but that doesn’t make him “mad,” nor does it mean he view the people who died as lesser creatures (as Cersei or a different Gold might have). It was a measured choice that put his character in conflict and THAT is what made that scene good writing. He had to make a decision that went against his core beliefs, because it allowed the Rising to rid themselves of a future threat.

3. Okay, now about fandoms. People who read books like GOT and Red Rising are looking into a world that is similar to our own, but far enough away from us to feel safer (by that I mean the choices of Sevro or Jon Snow have zero impact on our real world politics). But because of that similarity, they can critique the world we actually live in. And I think that’s why so many people are upset with Thrones - the ending showed that no matter how much we dream of a different, better world, ultimately things never change. Whereas with RR, Darrow wins! They have a Republic, they have the start of a new world! Iron Gold and the ensuing books show the reality of fighting to maintain that dream - because again, it wouldn’t be realistic to just magically have a perfect world - but I think that it’s a good balance between hope and realism to make it worth reading.

So those are my thoughts! Moral purity is unrealistic and can stay the hell away from my beloved books and cheers to PB for (hopefully) maintaining creative control. I think if the show is on the right network, with the right creative team it could be done really well, and stay true to the heart of the series. 

My hopes are high, though only time will tell if I regret that statement 😅

[comicteaparty]

January 11th-January 17th, 2020 Creator Babble Archive

The archive for the Creator Babble chat that occurred from January 11th, 2020 to January 17th, 2020.  The chat focused on the following question:

What’s an unplanned idea you had through your story part way through that forced you to change things?  How did everything go?

eli [a winged tale]

After my beta feedback there were some characters that needed further fleshing out with stakes and relationships. Therefore I had to change some backstories to make certain interactions impactful. Thankfully im at the start so nothing i had to go back and fix. I did think of some alternative openings should the comic goes to print but that can be future me’s worries

snuffysam

simultaneously very little and a huge amount, lol. in terms of big story beats, they've pretty much all stayed the same since i first started planning the comic. the twists have been set up and paid off and the like. but there's a bunch of things i've improv'd at the last minute. one notable example that was pretty well-received - in book 2 chapter 4, taci has a fear of puns (basically only shown in facial expressions and a single comment from mizuki towards the end of the fight). this was added because... otherwise the fight at the end of that chapter is just a bunch of walking around in near-identical dark tunnels. the way the fight ends is fun, but the fight itself isn't really anything. with taci having a reason to be afraid of coruby, the fight has more stakes & entertainment value, and it makes coruby feel much more interesting as a character. another huge example is the love triangle in book 1 - in that in the script, it was non-existent. mizuki being into girls was originally only gonna be introduced in book 2 (guess where), and the relationship between cahe and pejiba was going to advance with no real competition (besides bullets). it was gonna be mentioned in like book 3 that she had a thing for pejiba, but nothing in book 1 itself. (similarly to the pun thing, you may notice that mizuki being into pejiba isn't referenced at all in the dialogue besides pejiba saying "i know what mizuki thinks of me" which is kinda vague. i... don't like changing scripts last-minute lol.)

Mei

Not gonna lie, everything I do is entirely unplanned. I focus a lot on improvised comedy and what feels right 'at the moment', and considering I write scripts way in advance, sometimes it leads to jokes falling flat when I read them again a few months later. Which is all fine, honestly, it's part of the process. The main unplanned idea for My Husband is a Cultist was turning it from a 12 page one-shot into a fully fledged webcomic, now with 3 chapters and more to come. It was very 'on a whim', and from that very first chapter I came up with more silly ideas. And the more I talked to friends, the more ideas I had for chapters. So the biggest change personally was going from a pure slice-of-life comedy and spending time actually building the world around it so that there was structure to the chaos. I'm still working on it all. I now have an underlying plot that I'm hoping to explore, and I have the arcs planned out way in advance. So it's wild that I went from 'random ideas spewed on a document' to 'I now have a plot and several arcs to cover'. That being said, I still come up with a lot of things on the fly, so I'm changing things constantly as I go and hoping that there aren't too many inconsistencies!

LadyLazuli (Phantomarine)

One of the most important story elements of Phantomarine (http://www.phantomarine.com/) came up early in the second chapter, when I was asking myself some more questions about the world - and came upon a crucial opportunity. Luckily I didn’t have to change too much to make it work, and while it didn’t really change the plot, it upped the emotional stakes 100-fold. Which is just what I wanted. In this world, I have a big naval force, of which my heroine is (was?) the future leader - but with relative peace and cooperation between the different island nations, who the heck does the navy fight? Pirates? Eh, maybe. But vanilla pirates have been done to death, and while they can be awesome, I wanted to do something different. I wanted to tie them into the world’s supernatural element - while strongly avoiding the Pirates of the Caribbean cursed-buccaneer aesthetic. I decided to tie them to a particular blight that affects some of the characters - so as to up their stakes and better convey why they’re societal outcasts. And finally, I wanted to give them a freaking awesome name, something both nautical and supernatural. Thus, for those reading - the Fata Morgana. What didn’t even exist at the beginning of the second chapter is now an absolutely crucial story element, and I’m so happy they came into the picture. They’ve changed everything for the better. This is one reason why I resigned myself to revealing the world in bits and pieces - I’m revealing it to myself as I go along, too. It helps to be slow sometimes

eli [a winged tale]

The Fata Morgana introduction in the story was A W E S O M E! I’m so glad you have them in the story and looking forward to that amped up stakes!

Cap’n Lee (Flowerlark Studios)

I think the biggest example would be the last-minute inclusion of Jonathan as a main character in my comic Dark Wings: Eryl (https://www.flowerlarkstudios.com/dark-wings-2/). I had originally planned for him to be a temporary character that we said goodbye to at the end of Chapter 5. But the more I thought about it, the more I realised the main travelling party needed another character to balance things out. I was really struggling with planning future scenes because the pool of characters felt too small. I also realised that I had developed Jonathan’s character quite a lot for him to be dropped so early. So halfway through drawing chapter 5, I rewrote the second half and he’s now a major part of the cast.

Cap’n Lee (Flowerlark Studios)

A second example is Anor in my other comic, Children of Shadow: Ashes (https://www.flowerlarkstudios.com/cos/). He was originally written as a far less sympathetic character. In fact, he was going to be a borderline antagonist who only became sympathetic close to the end. But my characters often do things I don’t expect, and as I was planning the story, he and one of the other main characters, Rava, started falling for each other. I honestly loved this, and so I reworked the entire story to make Anor part of the main cast and much more sympathetic. He’s still a tsundere, and at the point where the story is now, still in constant friction with Rava, but I feel he’s now a much stronger character and is contributing a great deal more to the story than when he was a vaguely ominous frenemy in the original draft.

varethane

ooooo I am intrigued by this factoid about Anor

re: unplanned story elements, in Chirault..... [spoilers obviously] Ridriel and Trillia being sisters was something that hit me out of the blue about halfway through the story, and I immediately reworked a lot of things to make it happen http://chirault.sevensmith.net/(edited)

FeatherNotes(Krispy)

In ghost Junk... We actually avoided a major character death and had revised it literally a chapter before it happened!! We had everything written out right the the very end, but were seeing the readers reactions and reflected on the importance/and if it was absolutely necessary! So with that said, we saved the character, and kept the necessary impact and growth that it was to bring, and honestly- I'm so happy we did it

Cap’n Lee (Flowerlark Studios)

@varethane Yeah, Anor’s character has evolved a LOT since the first draft.

Phu

With Blackblood, we actually created the 2nd and 3rd chapters and then thought we wanted a chapter ahead of those as sort of a prologue to give some world building and lore elements haha. Worked out well i think! https://www.webtoons.com/en/challenge/blackblood/list?title_no=300252(edited)

Erin Ptah (BICP 🎄 Leif & Thorn)

This is kind of the opposite, since I did the "include a new thing in the story" part first, and that's what forced me to come up with a previously-unplanned idea to explain it... In Leif & Thorn, I had a character drop a reference to "that country doesn't allow interspecies marriages" before there's any canon reference to nonhuman species that human characters might want to marry. ...and even I didn't know what that species was going to be. Had some vague idea about revealing that mermaids existed, but in my head I never managed to integrate them with the rest of the plot or the worldbuilding real well. A few months later, I finally remember that I like drawing Tiny People (not like hobbit-size, think Borrowers-size), and realize this is the perfect setting to have a Tiny People Species! Now I get to come up with plot-based excuses to draw them wherever/however I want. Plus it opens up a whole new mine of jokes: https://leifandthorn.com/comic/somethings-cooking-26-29/

Can't for the life of me remember where I got this quote from, but there's an author who, when readers would ask for details about future developments in her books, would only give answers with the disclaimer "I reserve the right to have a better idea." Words to live by.

Cap’n Lee (Flowerlark Studios)

Damn, I love that quote.

DanitheCarutor

Admittedly there isn't a whole lot I've changed, maybe a couple small things here and there, but major stuff has been the same since I started. During the very beginning of the planning phase Daniel wasn't even going to be in the story and Julian was going to be homeless, but I wasn't quite satisfied with it. The story would have been too short, contrived and the resolution didn't feel satisfying. After some brainstorming and reflection on my feelings on certain experiences I've had, I added Daniel and 'The Guide to a Healthy Relationship' as it is kinda fell into place. It's weird thinking about how important Daniel is in spite of how new a character he is. Usually it takes me a little time to build one up before throwing them into a story, they gotta age like a fine wine first, but he popped out all ready to use like one week hooch.

Not sure if it counts, but I've also made changes to future parts of my comic. Like recently, even though I know what the ending is, I put a more final image in my head on what the final frame will look like. Also I changed an event that will happen at some point revolving around Apollo and his friends. Originally something skeevy was going to happen with Brandon and Apollo involving video uploads, and a homemade contract that was signed with Apollo was drunk. I thought it was too... I dunno, stupid? impractical? So I changed it to Julian was going to (unwillingly) attend a party at Brandon's (Apollo's friend) apartment, then some big, jealousy induced fight happens where Julian gets kicked out and Apollo feels bad. I didn't like that either, felt too reaching, so I'm going with another event that is a little out there but does happen in real life and something I have done some good research on.

Gonna be as vague as possible because it's spoilers.

keii4ii

Surprising myself is pretty much every step of my writing process. For good or bad.

I do plan things in advance, but find that sometimes things aren't what they seemed from 15 chapters ago.

I think what it is is this particular comic is such a visual story. I could plan out my previous comic with far greater accuracy. That comic was more dialog-driven; you could convert it into an audio drama with minimal changes, and it would still make sense. Whereas my current comic, you can't turn it into an audio drama without very VERY extensive changes (not even sure if possible... Many silent scenes). So I need to actually draw the pages to feel it out. And I can't draw out of order. Brain just won't that way.(edited)

carcarchu

totally agree with you @keii4ii sometimes u have to actually draw it out to get a feel for it. when i write out all the dialogue for my chapters i feel like it always ends up coming out so stiff, thats why i prefer to let it flow naturally and if something happens that i didnt account for just roll with it and adjust the story accordingly

Cap’n Lee (Flowerlark Studios)

I'm kind of weird about always needing to know exactly how many pages a chapter is going to have, so I script right down to the panel. It can create flow problems on occasion, so I wish sometimes I could plan my pages more visually, but my brain just doesn't work that way. >< It's a good thing my stories mostly rely on dialogue because they're pretty much novels in comic form.(edited)

Cronaj

When planning a scene at the end of Chapter 3 of Whispers of the Past (https://www.webtoons.com/en/challenge/whispers-of-the-past/list?title_no=191366), I was having a hard time writing the dialogue. I had the images of my lead characters, Agatha and Izrekiel, talking by the docks in the moonlight, and I knew generally what they talked about, but I couldn't script it. And then, one day while walking to work, my characters straight up had the conversation in my head! And as the dialogue unraveled, the characters (mostly Izrekiel) did something completely unplanned (which I won't reveal because spoilers). This unplanned change has completely upped the drama and sexual tension for the entirety of the future story. The second event of this is in Chapter 2, where Izrekiel is helping out on Kelan's farm. Initially, there was going to be some dialogue that mostly served as world-building, but when actually writing the scene, it occurred to me that they would likely not talk too much, too absorbed by the work of harvest. And then, I suddenly visualized/heard Kelan and the other farmhands SINGING. I don't know why it popped in my head that way, but they began singing a working song. Now, I am not a musician, but I used to sing in choir and do musicals and such, and like half my family members are musicians, so I have a bit of a musical background. Anyway, all this to say that the characters started singing, and in response, Izrekiel (who has amnesia) has a flashback to some repressed memory of men marching and singing the same song, with altered lyrics. This can get extra spoilery, so I won't delve too deep into what his memory means, but.... The lyrics go as such: Oh earth, oh rain, Oh sun in the sky, You grant me with your fruit In this land. And they are directly mirrored in the flashback with: Oh strength, oh grace, I'll raise my sword, With victory in mind In this land.(edited)

Deo101

For me, I totally changed the ending! I was going to make it a tragedy, and then at some point I realized I didnt NEED to... that a story can be happy and good. So, I rewrote a ton of stuff, and actually ended up adding in some new characters! I'd say It's gone very well ^^ I'm much happier with everything now (for one, I can think about the ending without crying!!) I've changed a lot of other little things as i've gone along too. too many things to count, really.

Tuyetnhi

Initially I was writing the story timeline to 5 days but it spanned to something about a year. Which means I had a chance to develop it further than trying to rush plot points. Used to be like 3 chapters originally but now its like ....I guess 20 chapters? I don't remember the full count but lmao I'm ready to endure.(edited)

varethane

most of the biggest changes to Chirault were decided on during the first 3 years of me making it..... I completely threw out the first plan I had made, lol. There was no specific trigger for this, except maybe for 'I don't like this, actually'

keii4ii

Oh! I remembered something specific. My tiger character used to have a 'generic lean-ripped' build. Kinda like the rabbit from Juuni Taisen. Then I posted a random beach day picture, and someone (who wasn't used to seeing characters with visible leg muscles... A lot of comics they read have characters who suffer from Skipped All The Leg Days syndrome) pointed out how insanely muscular his legs were. I ran with it. Today his legs are 2x bigger than they were in that beach day pic, and it's all muscle. Also while this character stays very lean throughout the story, I as the author guarantee you that if he were to put on fat, his thighs will be the first to expand, and the most. 8)

Tuyetnhi

omg

Cronaj

@keii4ii I'm so glad for this change. Lu's legs are majestic

Capitania do Azar

Interesting replies here

In o Sarilho https://www.sarilho.net/en/, I have avoided one major character death in the first part of the story because I grow super fond of them and also because it wasn't really going to build up to anything... Which felt really unfair. So now I had to come up with narrative lines for them and I'm quite enjoying that. Furthermore, I was halfway through chapter 3 when I figured out Eurico's looks but especially his role in the story. It involved drawing a lot of trucks (and there will be more trucks in the future) but I'm really excited for him as a character

Desnik

As I was writing my comic I was trying really hard to keep the POV limited to one character, but that character doesn't have enough perspective to set up the plot very well at the beginning. This meant hopping POVs to some other characters and now I'm gently trying to squash a lot of these subplots before they go completely out of control...

[yourstateofdreaming]

The Favor [Gwilym Lee x Reader] Part IV

Masterlist | Gwilym Lee Masterlist

<<Previous | >>Next Part

Pairing: Gwilym Lee x Reader

Warnings: Fluff, also again: daddy-daughter relationship (SORRYNOTSORRY)

A/N: so... I have a chapter that kinda goes before this...it was meant to be part three but I found it too long and containing no Gwil, I’ll post that later so you can read more if you’d like and get a better understand of the story. Enjoy!

She picked up Roger’s clothes from the dry cleaner, got his vitamins from the pharmacy, picked up a package from his P.O. Box and then stopped at his favorite coffee place before arriving at the Taylors’ home a quarter to 12.

“Morning!” She called out from the entrance with her hands full.

The usual odd chorus of voices let her know that Tigs and Lola were here, Sarina in the studio and Roger upstairs.

A regular Wednesday for the Taylors.

The two blondes ran out from the kitchen to say hello, staring at (Name) with expectations of something showing in their gleaming eyes.

“Hi, what’s up?” She gave a puzzled smile.

“We heard a rumor from Dad,” Lola teased without hesitation.

Tigs giggled.

“We heard somebody from dad’s movie might be into you?” Lola hinted. “What’s with this Will guy?”

All blood rushed to her feet. She cleared her throat and started going to the kitchen.

“Gwilym.” (Name) corrected her. “He’s,” she did not look back or over her shoulder, “a friend!”

She felt embarrassed. If they knew...if only they knew what had happened just the night before. She reprimanded herself in silence, she should have not done it, but she gave in. Who could deny it? The two had chemistry, they knew each other and it was about time... if only it wasn’t such an inappropriate relationship. Why did she let him stay last night?

“(Name)?” Roger greeted her with a peck on the cheek and an empty cup of what must have been tea in his hand.

“Hi!”

She could not help but come off as super excited.

“So, busy day, Rog! Busy, busy day! Have you got your shoes on? Let’s go!” She clapped at Roger and waved at his daughters. “Sorry, girls! Come on, Rog! Car’s waiting outside!”

“Kitten...” Roger followed, although complaining felt like the natural response to (Name)’s behavior, “later, girls!”

While (Name) sat with Roger in the back of the car, he kept staring at her. Roger was trying to figure her out, there was something about her this morning that gave him an odd vibe. It wasn’t until she shifted in her seat and looked to the side that he thought of it.

“Kitten, do you have a boyfriend?”

(Name)���s brows skyrocketed up her forehead, or so it felt like. She smirked at her boss, smart-assing the man without a gram of shame.

“Why? Are you trying to hook up with me now, Rog?”

The drummer laughed, throwing his head back for a second.

Roger would never try such a thing, she was Tigs’ age and even if she was a bit older, the way she got along with everyone in the Taylor family made her almost a family member too; Roger knowing her dad and that (Name) was an only child, he felt somewhat like a father to her half the time.

“Well, do you?” Roger insisted.

(Name) shrugged, she took a deep breath and looked him in the eye.

“Not really.” She watched Roger’s brow furrowed. “No,” she insisted. “Maybe.”

Roger did not need to say anything, (Name) gave in and told him about some guy. She liked him but she said that because of their jobs it would be too difficult to be together, as a side note she did find other guys attractive.

“So, it’s not set on stone, kitten. Take your chances!” Roger advised her, patting her knee. “And cover up the neck, dear.”

(Name)’s hand flew to her neck and she used her phone to see. A love mark showing just above the collar of her shirt. The man sitting on the opposite side of the car smirked as she fidgeted with a scarf in her handbag.

“Shit...” she mumbled.

The drummer laughed at her and seeing as the car was moving through the streets a bit faster than usual, he chose to talk to his young assistant about a certain invitation his manager received earlier that morning. 

Peter (Y/L/Name) was a well-known wildlife photographer, his successes in art brought him to South Africa, where he worked with Save The Elephants and other organizations. (Name)’s father was a real animals’ rights activist, his job teaching about the world around us; it was odd to see him with his daughter, who he loved but with whom he would only spend time on rare occasions ever since she started uni. In fact, Roger could recall seeing his young assistant with her father only once, while at an event much like the one he had been invited to. 

Brian was pressuring Roger to RSVP, he was fascinated with Peter’s work, he and Anita had already confirmed their assistance to P. (Y/L/Name)’s exhibition. 

“Are you going?” 

She looked up from the agenda, the day of the exhibition was one of her rare days off, but she would not mind seeing Roger, which she still sort of planned on doing. 

“Do I have time?” 

Roger leaned over her shoulder and read the bright orange note saying “Fend for Yourself Day - Kitten’s Day Off’”. He put his index finger up in the air. 

“Ah! I guess I’m seeing you there!” He winked. 

She nodded and scribbled something down on a different page, mentioning to Roger that she would arrange for a car to pick them up at a decent time so he could be fashionably late to the event, just enough to be classy and not as much to make Brian anxious. 

“Hey, Rog?” She wondered when they arrived at the label’s building. 

The older man walked out of the vehicle with his sunglasses in his hands and put them on as soon as he heard her, mumbling a “yeah”. 

“How come you always call me Kitten?” She giggled as she finished her question. 

It was pure curiosity, (Name) never had a nickname before. Her father would always call her by her name or say “child”, so she was not used to the affectionate sound of “Kitten” when Roger first started using it a while after she started working for him. 

“Well, you see...” Roger put an arm around her shoulders and they walked together as the car drove away to the parking lot. “I realized you are not quite as tall as my Tigs, so what’s smaller than a Tiger?” He brought his hand out, waving it in the air as he spoke. 

(Name) shrugged, arched brow and pout on her mouth. 

“I dunno,” she straight up said the first thing that came to her mind, “a cub?”

Roger stopped walking and the silence grew between them for a second before he shook his head and repeated the word “no” over and over, almost chanting it. 

“A Kitten, (Name)! A Kitten! Has a better ring to it too!” 

They waited for the lift and once the shining silver doors opened, (Name) walked in first, followed by Roger. 

“You really are your father’s daughter...” He commented. 

Having spoken to the man a few times before, he knew where her previous comment was coming from. 

For days, (Name) tagged along with Roger, she never got to sit inside the offices where the Rock Idol had his meetings with producers and important people, she would only be outside, at the ready with a notebook and a pen; agenda in the pocket. She knew how to do her job, she did it quite well and had received no complaints from Roger or his family ever. 

It was indeed, during her last day shooting for the movie that she had the chance of chatting with Gwil. He had asked, of course, he was curious about the assistant; it seemed Roger could get along just fine without her but she also made everything move faster, with more efficiency, and for sure by more modern means. 

“Oh, I graduated from business school a bit early. Dad was in South Africa, I needed a job and thought, why not start at the bottom?” She explained, “I didn’t think I would be Roger Taylor’s assistant, that sort of happened thanks to my dad’s manager.”

Gwilym’s expression, now that he was in his Brian costume, was soft as usual, although upon hearing her his brows shot up in the funniest of manners and left (Name) giggling like a school girl. It might have been the beautiful contrast of the dark wig and Gwilym’s blue eyes, she felt weak in the knees. 

“Your dad’s manager?” He wondered, his hands on his hips, the pants provided by the costume department flattering his long legs.

She made the mental note that Gwil was slightly thicker than Brian, but she was not quite sure and thought asking about it would only serve to fuel the rumor going by among the crew that there was something romantic going on between the two of them.  

(Name) blushed, she never bragged about it, her last name would oddly come up in conversation and even if it did, it never caught much attention - unless she was speaking to a wildlife enthusiast or an animals’ rights activist. 

“Uh,” she felt her voice going quieter as she moved her lips to form the words, “yeah, Peter (Y/L/Name)” 

It was not shame what overtook her. She loved her father; he had fought to give her everything she had, and he had struggled to build his own career from scratch - not an easy thing, especially since he raised her on his own. What (Name) felt was embarrassment. Now she was under the impression that she should have mentioned it sooner.

“Oh, he’s having an exhibition next month! Right?” Gwil reaction was the usual, a small smile appearing on his face when she nodded. 

He pulled her sparkling black jacket closed over her chest once the cast was called in to get another take. 

“Well, darling Fake Wife of mine...” he called and (Name) rolled her eyes at the lame joke the two had, “on with the show!” 

(Name) made a terrible attempt at playing the air guitar, earning a laugh from Gwil, who stood the closest to see and embarrassingly enough, a cheer and chuckle from Brian and Anita. 

“Take off the wig, Gwil, you’re being replaced!” Joe yelled from another part of the set at what was going to be Freddie’s crazy house party. 

“Oh, shut it you!” She yelled back, grabbing Gwil’s face with as much delicacy as possible to avoid ruining whatever makeup he had on, Gwilym had to lean down so she could play with his face, “this is the face of a man! A man whose parents have some explaining to do!” She turned to Gwil, “are you sure Brian’s not your dad? You look so much like him...I’m doubting this.” 

At (Name)’s pout, Gwil smiled. He shook his head as he pulled back and put his arm around her shoulders to go back to their marks. 

For the entire time they were there, Anita was hypnotized by Gwilym, she took pictures with him and gave him the sweetest compliments, at which the actor could only blush and look around for help. Brian’s wife also told him funny stories about a younger version of her husband; all the while Ben, Joe and (Name) kept trying to stay out of trouble but somehow still causing it, of course. Rami was the only one of the group who kept it quite professional, he was the leading man and nobody would hold it against him if he was in character more than he was himself. 

“Hey,” Anita, grabbed (Name)’s hand and held it absentmindedly while she spoke, oblivious to what she was about to do, “Brian has been teaching Gwil how to use his camera, why don’t you bring him to your father’s exhibition?”

The small woman looked up at (Name) and then at Gwil. She did not know what to say; she had already made plans to bring someone else...someone she had been seeing for some time. Gwilym noticed something was happening in her mind and opened his mouth to excuse himself only to be interrupted by the brunette. 

“I think my dad would love to teach you a thing or two as well.” 

“It’s a date!” Ben yelled. 

The blonde gave Gwil a pat on the back and exchanged a look with Joe and Rami, all three of them grinned. 

Next One  >>

Tags: @tv-saved-the-teenage-girl @naturalswifty89 @itsametaphorbriansblog @i-want-to-break-free-39 @stomp-stomp-clap

[lovelybones81]

Unthinkable *updated 12/15*

Summary: Seven years, three movies, two people, one story. But before they can get their happily ever after, Sebastian Stan and Camille Solis must learn to trust in each other and in themselves, before allowing the unthinkable to happen.

Warnings: Fluff, future smut, Language, Angst, mental health, WOC lead character, Slow Burn

Masterlist link Unthinkable 

Rating: NC-17 

**Hi all, here is the next installment! I believe this is my longest, but I promise its so worth it! xoxo Ps. When I was writing, this is the Sebastian I pictured in my head! ;) 

Chapter 20 Wildest Dreams

Out in an unknown place Kinda like that feels You came in my life and held me here Just in the nick of time When I lacked the will To keep on moving on You've been in my dreams, but from now Couldn't figure out the reasons I kept asking God why And now I'm receiving abundance of love And I get it, But never could imagine it, in my wildest dreams...

 February 2011

 Studio City, CA

 “You didn’t have to dress up for me.” Sebastian greeted sarcastically the moment Camille opened the front door.

 Taking the candy sucker out of her mouth, she glanced down at her attire. She was in a pair of blue sweat pants and an old high school t-shirt she wore only around the house and messy hair pulled up in a bun at the top of her head. Okay, so maybe she wasn’t dressed in the best clothes, but it was Sunday night. Her period had just started, she been cramping all of day and hadn’t felt like leaving the house. She glanced back up at Sebastian with a slight smirk. “I had plan on wearing my garter belt and lacy bra but I thought it would be too uncomfortable.” Shrugging innocently and putting the sucker back in her mouth for effect.

 Sebastian’s mouth slacked for a split moment at her remark but he quickly recuperated, letting his eyes linger up and down her body.

 “What?” She asked, trying to push that tingle between her legs away at the way he was staring her down.

 He met her gaze and responded. “I just got an image of you wearing what you just described.” Licking his bottom lip almost sensually.

 Damn it. He always had a comeback! Sneaky bastard. But instead Camille scowled, grabbing the door as if she was about to close it.

 “Whoa, whoa, whoa. You started it!” he quickly exclaimed with a chuckle. “Besides-are you really going to make me leave? I bring pizza!”

 Of course she wasn’t really going to close the door on him, yet pretended to think about it. She raised an eyebrow. “Pepperoni?”

 “Yes.”

 “And pineapple?”

 Sebastian scrunched up his nose. “Yes, you weirdo.”

 Camille wrinkled her forehead at his remark. Apparently it was weird to him that she liked pineapple on pizza. Typically when they shared pizza, they always ordered half of what each wanted. Letting out an exasperated sigh, Camille took a step back gesturing for him to come inside. Sebastian grinned from ear to ear before closing the door behind him. Without saying another word, Camille moseyed toward the kitchen, Sebastian in toe.

 “Have you eaten today?” he asked once they set foot into the kitchen. “Besides that sucker in your mouth.” He added smugly.

 “Yesss.” Camille said with a small nod, throwing the now lonely stick in the trash can. “I’ve had cookies and chips as well.” She mumbled, then quickly asked. “Wine or beer?”

 “Wines fine.” He answered, setting the pizza box on the countertop. “So you’ve had junk food?” he probed with a hint of amusement in his voice.

 “Oh yeah, because pizza is just as healthy.” Camille mocked, taking two clean wine glasses out of the top cabinet, the bottle of red wine under her arm. She made her way toward him and the pizza, placing the wine and glasses down.

 “I never said it was healthy.” Sebastian protested.

 Camille quickly became distracted, her eyes landing on book on top of the pizza box. Tilting her head, she read the title out loud. “Picnic.”

 “Huh? What?” Sebastian said, taking the cork out of the bottle.

 “I was just reading the title of this book.”

 “Oh yeah, I stopped by a book store for it.” He explained, pouring wine into each glass. “It’s a play actually, underneath is the script or screenplay my manager gave me earlier to look over. Apparently they are wanting to revive it on Broadway.”

 “And Emily thought you would be a good fit for it?” Camille supplied with a warm smile, taking both glasses of wine and nodding toward the living for him to follow.

 His cheeks had turned a shade of pink as he ran his fingers through his hair. “Yeah. I guess so.” Following after her, and putting the pizza box on the coffee table in front of them.

 “Why Mr. Stan, I believe you’re blushing.” She teased, handing his wine over.

 “Shut up. I’m not.” He muttered, carefully placing the book and script next to him before opening the pizza box and quickly shoving it into his mouth, chewing for a few moments.

 Camille watched carefully, trying to read him. She couldn’t help but notice his hair had grown out a bit longer from the last time she had seen him, and the 5’ o’clock shadow beard he had going on at the moment was doing things to her. Damn, he really did have a beautiful face. She hadn’t necessarily forgotten how beautiful, but it had been almost a month a half since the last time they had seen each other and it was nice to have a refresher of it.

 The holiday season had come and gone and the New Year had brought on a busy schedule for the both of them. Camille had been so swamped with work and the new project Liz had assigned her to, she had barely got a chance to truly enjoy the holidays, let alone really spend time with Sebastian. The same could be said about him of course, with auditions in New York and Los Angeles, he barely had time to breath. Even when he was in Los Angeles the last few times, they had only been able to see each other 3 times since Christmas. Which Camille had come to recognize was their new normal, seeing each other when they could, but keeping in contact through phone/text and even email.

 Camille grinned widely before reaching for a slice of pizza. “Yes, you are…” she said in a song-song voice. Sebastian glowered, but didn’t say a word. “What part would you be playing?”

 “I haven’t even audition yet.” He protested, taking a large bite of his slice.

 She chewed a few times, then said in a knowing tone. “But when you do and you get the part, who would you be playing?”

 Sebastian let out a small snort. “Your confidence in me is flattering.” He tried to joke. “They wouldn’t start production for another year or so.” He explained, leaning back against the comfortable cushion. “But the character I would be auditioning for is named Hal Carter.” Camille took another bite, waiting expectantly for him to continue. Sebastian squinted his eyes playfully at her. “You want me to elaborate?”

 Camille only nodded.

 Clearing his throat, he sat up straight again. “From what I’ve read so far- he is supposed to be sort of a drifter who isn’t sure of where he belongs and gets invited to a Labor Day picnic by a former college roommate…and I guess causes havoc in the lives of the people in the small town. Especially the women.” He stated, nervously running his fingers through one side of his hair.  

 He was adorable when he was unsure of things. She couldn’t help the smile that tugged on her lips, watching him. “Would I be invited to the grand opening? On Broadway?” she teased.

 He tossed his head back and let out a laugh. “Darlin, I haven’t even auditioned yet. Nothing is definite. It’s just pure talk right now.”

 “Don’t sell yourself short Sebby.” Camille stated, gently tapping his nose with her finger. “And don’t think that this will count as you taking me to a Broadway show.” She added, prompting that he still owed her a show.

 Rolling his eyes, he took the last bite of his slice. “Hey, it’s not my fault you can’t say no to Liz. You had an opportunity to come see me last month but you turned it down.” He reminded with a shrug.

 Camille glared and defended. “You know I couldn’t leave her hanging with all those new people!” Referring to last minute supervision job Liz had her do a few weeks ago, while Liz flew down to New Zealand to sign the rest of the legal paperwork for the new job they had just been contracted to do. 

 Sebastian chuckled lowly. “Dragoste, I know.” Trying to hold in his snickers. “I was just trying to get a rise out of you.” He confessed with a wink. “You think after all this time I couldn’t still do it...but here we are.” 

 Reaching for her glass of wine, Camille scowled. “You’re a pain.” Bringing the glass to her lips. 

 “Maybe so, but you wouldn’t want me any other way.” 

 “You think that wouldn’t you?” She snapped back with a smug look and taking another long swig of wine. Shaking his head, Sebastian snorted back his laugh reaching for his own glass. Camille felt a small smile tug on her lips at his laughter. Sigh. Fine. She couldn’t stay mad at him for too long. New York had been a perfect example of that.

 For the next couple of hours they ate, drank and caught up on each other’s daily routine/life. Even though they had lunch the day before, they really did not get the chance to talk as they were surrounded by their friends. (Liz, Natalie, Charles and Will). Camille had suggested (mostly guilt tripped) him into coming over and hanging out before he flew back out Monday morning.

 Resting the back of her head on the fluffy pillows, Camille listened to him talk about his last few auditions and meetings. She loved hearing him get all excited about his future endeavors when he spoke. His whole face would light up and his facial expressions gave away how much he loved what he did, regardless of the long trips.

 “How’s the wedding planning going?” Sebastian asked, after he had finished telling her about his last audition.

 Camille rolled her eyes and groaned before putting an arm over her face. “Don’t ask.”

 “That bad?” he asked with a chuckle.

 “The wedding is 3 weeks away and they are both driving me crazy! Which is why I suggested Sam drive up to San Francisco to keep an eye on things. Because they’ve been stressing me out with all their bickering. I know it’s just because they both want things to be perfect. And I get it. But being apart for a while before the wedding might be good for them.”

 “I was wondering why Sam didn’t join us yesterday.”

 Camille couldn’t help but let out an evil giggle, removing the arm from her face to look at him. “Because I sent her away. Well okay…I put the idea in their head.”

 “Where’s Natalie right now?”

 “She had to go and make sure the table settings are what they ordered. She should be back here in a bit.” Lifting her head up, she asked. “How’s Georgeta?” with a huge smile, changing the subject.

 Sebastian grinned back. “Good. She just got back from a trip to Washington-which is a big deal for her because you know she isn’t much of a fan of traveling.” His eyes grew wide. “Which reminds me, she sent a box of German chocolate with me to give to you.” His eyebrows knitted together. “Shit, I thought I brought it in with me…” he mused. “I must have left it in the car.” Pushing himself up from couch. “I’ll be right back.”

 “Okay.” Camille said after him, as he made his way to the front door. Following his lead, she stood up and reached for the empty pizza box, and almost empty wine bottle. She turned in the direction of the kitchen then abruptly stopped, pressing her lips together to reach back out for the book and script Sebastian had left on the couch. She couldn’t help it-she was curious and also had a feeling Sebastian was not sharing the whole story with her.

 She reached for Tupperware in one of the cabinets and placed the remaining couple of pieces of pizza in them, before sticking it in the fridge. Once she had finished, her fingers reached for the small paperback book and began to skim through it, reading a few couple of pages. After a few moments, she placed the book down and grasped the script book, flipping through it as well.

 “Did you drink the rest of the wine?” she heard Sebastian asked teasingly, making her jump a bit at the sound of his voice.

 With the script still in hand, Camille looked over her shoulder, she must have been so enthralled in reading because Sebastian was walking toward her with both wine glasses in hand. She didn’t even hear him walk back inside. 

 “What did you do?” He asked cautiously. 

 Camille blinked innocently. “What do you mean?” 

 Pointing one finger accusingly he answered. “You’re eyes always get all big when you’re up to something.” 

 “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Turning her attention back the script. “Although you could have mentioned that the part you’re going to be playing is kind of the lead.” She accused nonchalantly, flipping through it once again. “This would be so great!” She added excitedly. 

 Sebastian sat the empty glasses on the counter, leaning his whole body close to her. “I should just make you my publicist with all this hype you’re giving me.” 

 “I would make an awesome publicist-thank you very much.” 

 “It doesn’t pay too well.” Sebastian deadpanned, at the same time placing the box of German chocolate in front of her face. Grinning from ear to ear. “But I do provide chocolate.” He added quickly, shaking the box for effect. 

 “Your mom is too sweet.” Camille said, her heart warming up at how thoughtful Georgeta was with her.  

 “She seems to like you.” Sebastian answered with a shrug. “I don’t know why...” he muttered, looking innocently at her. 

 “Hmm, probably because I have to deal with the likings of you.” Camille sassed back, reaching out for the box but Sebastian was quicker and moved it from her reach. “Sebastian...!” she whined. 

 “You’re mean.” He said, feigning a look of hurt. 

 “Maybe so, but you wouldn’t want me any other way.” Mockingly repeating the words from earlier back to him. 

 Sebastian stuck his tongue out, but opened the box of chocolate and asked instead. “So- what do you think of the play?” Offering her a piece of chocolate. 

 “From what I’ve what I was able to read?” 

 “Yeah.” 

 “It’s a solid story. And Hal’s character would be perfect for you.” Taking a piece of chocolate into her mouth before sitting down on the bar stool closest to the middle kitchen island.

 “Emily wants me to find a few scenes I like so I can use them for my audition.” He explained, taking another piece of chocolate into his mouth. “Was there anything in there that caught your eye?” he asked.

 Camille glanced through a couple of pages, while her other free hand reached blindly for another piece of the delicious chocolate. “Hmm. I did see a few…” she mused, trying to find it again. After a few moments of silence, she gasped unexpectedly.

 “What?” Sebastian said in an alarmed voice, pouring the rest of the wine for each of them.

 “I can run lines with you!” She answered a little too excitedly, her face beaming.

 He scrunched up his nose. “You want to run lines with me?” he repeated slowly.

 “Sure, why not?” she said with a light shrug. Sebastian opened his mouth, then quickly snapped it shut again as if trying to decide what to say. “I mean if you want to…” Camille added, all of sudden feeling a bit self-conscious.

 “No-I mean…yeah we can.” Rubbing the back of his neck nervously.

 “But…?” Camille pushed.

 Sebastian cleared his throat. “I guess I’m just a bit nervous, since we’ve never done that before.”

 Camille put two and two together. “Sebastian-did you forget that we worked together and that I’ve seen you act on a set of a movie before?” And at the same time she pulled her hair out of the bun, it was starting to give her a headache.

 “Well yeah-but that was after I had gotten the part and stuff.” He said lamely. They didn’t say anything for a few seconds, and Camille watched him carefully as he tried to process. He finally spoke. “But I guess it would be good to have someone to bounce the lines off of. Especially since I’ll be meeting with them this coming Tuesday.” He grinned up at her. “Okay, Ms. Broadway- which scene should we do first?” he asked jokingly.

 They made their way back toward the living room and for the next 30 minutes or so, they found a few scenes they both thought would be great for him to try. Camille found herself completely enamored by him as they began to read some of the scenes out loud. While she had to keep looking down at her lines (while taking sips of wine in between of course) Sebastian seemed to pick up on Hal’s lines pretty quickly.  

 He really was something to watch. This was his craft and it only made Camille admire him even more. 

 “Camille?” 

 She blinked out of her thoughts. “Huh? What?” 

 He chuckled. “Where you go? It’s your line.” Taking his own sip of wine. 

 Where she go? Oh she was just drooling over him that’s all. Seeing him this way made him even more attractive. Damn it.  

 “S-sorry.” She stammered. Hoping he hadn’t caught on. “Um where were we?” She asked clearing her throat nervously.  

 “Well Madge,” Sebastian started referring to her as one of the character of the play. “I just finished telling you I was a bum.” He said with a shy smile.  

 Camille quickly looked down at the script and fed him the next line. This went on for the next few minutes. And again she found herself in awe on how quick he could turn it on and not be Sebastian for a part. But she pushed through and watched him give his next line: 

 Hal: Baby, are you cryin?

 Madge: Just a little. 

 Hal: Why? 

 Madge: I don’t know. 

 Hal: You almost got me doing it.

 Madge: It’s not because I’m unhappy, really.

 Camille took the moment to reach back out and take the last bit of wine down. She glanced back at him and felt the air almost leave her lungs at how intently he was looking back at her. He continued with his next line:

 Hal: Same here, I’m not unhappy.

 Madge: It’s just that-

 Hal: Well...kiss me goodnight anyway, will you?

 Camille felt her heart began to race faster all of a sudden. She licked her bottom lip and said the next line:

 Madge: If you promise not to hold me?

 Sebastian had stepped closer now, hands behind his back. He continued: 

 Hal: Yeah, I promise. I’ll keep my hands at my side. See?

 Camille swallowed the lump in her throat. Unsure if she could speak. Taking in a large breath, she said the next line: 

 Madge: Now, I’ll kiss you.

 She involuntarily leaned forward, and he did the same. 

 “What’s next?” Sebastian whispered.

 She licked her bottom lip nervously trying to find the words. The room had also gotten a few degrees hotter. “Madge is supposed to kiss Hal…” She trailed off.

 “Yeah?”

 “Yeah.” She nodded blankly in agreement, unable to make any movement. She wasn't sure of what she was doing, but she knew she wasn't ready for this little moment to end. It was like a magnetic pull. A magnetic pull she had not been able to understand after all these months. The line once again a blur. Any panic she had felt earlier about them evaporated as he leaned in closer. He seemed to sense it too. It was just them now. She didn't care about anything else at that moment.

 Camille froze as his mouth touched hers. Her chin jerked up and her eyes met his. The realization of what was about to happen, sinking in. “You promised to keep your hands next to you.” She reminded, trying to keep the mood light. "I mean-" she stopped herself.

 “Hal promised that.” Sebastian answered back not breaking his gaze. She braced herself, as she waited for him to pull away and tell her it was a mistake. “Me on the other hand…”

What she got was slow and sneaky. His lips were smooth and cool. Despite being unhurried, there was nothing tentative about the way he angled his mouth over hers, then slid his tongue inside before she had a chance to change her mind. There was just a second, when Camille thought he would stop if she told him to. But the unbelievable sensuality of his kiss made her realize that wasn't what she wanted. Instead she wrapped her arms around his neck and tugged him back down with her, his fingers gripped one side of her hip, his tongue in her mouth, her insides melting like chocolate.

 After several heart-racing moments he broke his lip lock, leaving Camille limp and dizzy. She blinked him back into focus, as the reality of what just happen hit the pit of her stomach. But unlike before when the possibility or thought of kissing him scared her, this time it didn't bring any anxiety or panic, instead she felt relatively calm. “You didn’t keep your promise." she murmured jokingly.

 “I didn’t make that promise.” Sebastian said hoarsely.

 Camille bit on her top lip, the feel of his lips still making her mouth tingle. Her mind was still whirling at what just happened. “That….was-was-.” unable to put sentences together.

 “Overdue?” Sebastian offered with a weak smile, pressing his forehead against hers. She shivered as his fingers moved underneath her oversize shirt, his fingertips grazing her bare skin.

 "Completely." she whispered, unwrapping her arms from around his neck.

 Sebastian chuckled. "Yeah." He tunneled his fingers through her loose curls, drawing her face up, bringing her flush against his body. Body stiff, she lifted her head, her eyes shadowed by her long lashes. "Is this okay though?" he asked in an almost panicked voice.

 Nicole lips parted and her eyes fluttered closed, nodding. “Y-yeah…yes…” she breathed.

 “Okay, I just don’t want to push you into anything you don’t want-.”

 “Sebastian.” Camille interrupted.

 “Hmm?”

 “Shut up and kiss me.” She demanded softly.

 Sebastian closed the gap, kissing her once again. She melted into his arms and clanged to him, her breasts pressed against his chest, her body molding against his as she allowed his invasion. His mouth moved over hers and he caught her lower lip, tasting the inside of her mouth with the tip of his tongue. Camille moved against him, her hands coming up to comb through his hair as she nipped his upper lip between her teeth, then laved the sting with her tongue. He groaned in appreciation.

 The simple act of kissing Sebastian was stunningly arousing, but then again Camille figured it would be. She didn't want to stop. They hadn't planned on doing this. They were only supposed to be reading lines. She could have pulled away, but the thought had lasted only a split second. And instead of showing she was in control he now had her wrapped in his arms and she was kissing him back and demanding more.

 She made an aggressive sound in the back of her throat as she arched her soft body full against him and slanted her mouth against his, changing the tempo and the rhythm of the kiss. She felt the warm caress of his palm against her face as he brushed her cheek with his hand. His touch more intimate than the kiss. Holding her firmly against him, he tangled his fingers in her hair again, capturing her moan on his tongue.

 Somehow, someway they had moved and now Camille felt the back of her legs touch what she assumed was the side of the couch. As if struggling for control, Sebastian gently pulled away from her. Her eyes were closed. She didn’t want this to end. She needed more of his kisses. They were breathing new life into her. 

 He said her name. It sounded so far away. She shivered when his hands rubbed her arms up and down. She opened her eyes, still unfocused. 

 “God, your lips...” Sebastian literally groaned. 

 “Hmm? What?”

 “So swollen baby.” 

 A small whine left her mouth, but answered. “It’s your fault.”

 “I know and I’m here for it.” Sebastian uttered. “So fucking here for it...” trailing off and kissing her again. 

 Camille thanked the clouds above at how in sync they were. Because just like her, he seemed to not want to rush it, because they knew the moment that happened something would trigger them back to reality. And she didn’t want to go there just yet. So instead he employed a good old fashioned make-out session, no rushing, no groping, just kissing slow and easy, like when they were teenagers and kissing was enough to satisfy. 

 It was almost as they were floating, but they managed to push themselves unto the couch behind them. She relaxed beneath him. 

 “Sebastian…” she whispered against his mouth. Her breathing soft and languid. 

 “Shh…” Sebastian hushed her, as he ran his tongue across her bottom lip again. Camille moaned and he squeezed her waist as if letting her know he enjoyed the sound she made. It was a tiny sigh, a release, a letting go. She realized that’s what she wanted, what they both needed. No reality. Just each other and pleasure, for a short space of time. 

 He shifted slightly, falling back against the plush pillow his arm sliding down and wrapping loosely around her waist and pulling her on top of him. Somehow Camille twisted, and straddled him. He dropped his arm from around her waist, and she threaded her fingers through his, carrying his hands up over his head. Her eyes full of lust. 

 “Why did we wait so long to do this?” He managed to ask with a small smile. 

 “Because we’re stupid, stupid people.” Camille quickly answered, lowering her head to graze her lips against his again. 

 Soft. Slow. Unbearably sweet. 

 “So unbelievably stupid.” Sebastian repeated breaking briefly from her mouth to place a strand of loose hair behind her ear. 

 “So, so stupid.” She reiterated in whisper. Her lips twitched. Closing the gap, she kissed the corner of his mouth, his nose, his cheek, his jaw, then trailed her lips back to his. He closed his eyes as her tongue, warm and wet, tangled with his, explored leisurely. Camille could feel the beating of his heart as her kisses took a hold of something deep. It might have been 5, 10 or even an hour -she wasn’t sure- all she was sure of was how wonderful it was for his mouth and tongue to explore hers. She heard herself moan in pleasure when he moved slightly beneath her.

 “Camille?!”

 Suddenly her eyes flew open at the sound of her name and broke the kiss. It was Natalie. 

 “Who’s car is that parked in the driveway?” Her younger sister called out. “Oh wait! Its Sebastian’s rental isn’t it? I forgot he was coming over!” 

 “Oh my god!” She hissed, rolling off him as fast as she could. 

 “Camille,” Sebastian started with laugh, pushing himself up in sitting position. 

 “If she catches us, we will never hear the end of it.” Camille explained, stumbling to stand up. Reality settling back in. But before she could say or stand, she found herself tripping literally on her own feet, coming back down, thankfully the couch cushions broke her fall. 

 “Holy shit! Are you okay?” Sebastian exclaimed, quickly standing up and reaching down his hand for her to grab. 

 With one elbow resting on the cushion, Camille looked up at him, and burst into a fit of giggles at how silly she probably looked. “Yes.” She answered him, tossing her head back and cackled at herself. “Stupid couch got in my way.” Taking the hand he offered, still giggling. Sebastian snorted back his laugh as well. 

 “What the hell? What are you doing on the floor?” Natalie demanded.

 Sebastian used his strength and pulled her up to her feet. They locked eyes and they only brought another fit of giggles from the both of them. Only this would happen to her.  

 “Camille decided to make out with the couch.” Sebastian answered after his laughter subsided. 

 Her jaw dropped at his response, letting go of his hand. She scowled. Sebastian only smirked back. 

 “Did you trip on your own two feet?” Natalie guessed. 

 “Noooo.” Camille responded annoyingly.

 At the same time her sister made her way toward Sebastian. She leaned in and pecked him on the cheek as a hello. In the past few months, Natalie, along with Samantha had grown to care for Sebastian and consider him their friend as well. 

 Natalie sat down on the couch they had just finished making out on, leaning back against the cushion to slip off her shoes. She glanced around the room and looked back at her older sister with a judgmental eye. “No wonder you were on the ground, you’ve been drinking wine.”  

 By this time Sebastian had sat back down next to Natalie, while Camille found herself on the opposite couch across from them. 

 “I wasn’t drinking it alone.” Looking pointedly at Sebastian. 

 “Hey, I wasn’t the one in eye level with cushions.” 

 Camille made a mocking face in his direction and Sebastian only smiled innocently back. She narrowed her eyes, but didn’t respond. She knew he was just acting like a little shit to see what kind of reaction she would have.

 Hmmph. Just because he’s a good kisser doesn’t mean he still isn’t a little asshole. She thought to herself.

 Holy shit.

 She made out with Sebastian Stan. After all most 10 plus months of them flirting/teasing back and forth, they finally shared a kiss. Or lots of kisses if you wanted to get technical about it. They fully made out. Holy shit. Of course it had been better than she expected. She must have been so lost in thought because she when blinked back to the present, she found Sebastian eyeing her from the corner of his eye while half paying attention to Natalie talking animatedly.

 Camille looked past him, her eyes widening at the realization that the script and book were on the floor next to Sebastian. She didn’t remember doing that. Natalie was so enthralled in telling Sebastian all about the wedding that she didn’t notice when Camille got up to pick up the book and script. But Sebastian did and gave her a look that clearly asked: what are you doing?  Tossing the books gently to the ottoman behind her, Camille locked eyes with him. She couldn’t help but get the butterflies in her stomach at the sight of him. Why did he have to be so handsome? And sexy. Fuck. He wasn’t even trying.

 “Alright you two-what the hell is going on?” Camille heard Natalie asked suspiciously.

 Breaking their gaze, they looked back her younger sister, who was eyeing at them as if they were criminals.

 Sebastian sighed loudly, rubbing the back of his neck nervously. “Fine, you caught us.” If looks could kill he would be dead right now. But Sebastian wasn’t looking at her, instead he put his attention on Natalie. “I was trying to get Camille’s help in what to get you and Sam as a wedding present. And I didn’t want her to tell you, because you two are my friends now and I didn’t want you all to think I wasn’t trying…” he trailed off.

 By then Camille had miraculously planted herself back on the other end of the couch and just listened. Okay, so maybe he wasn’t dead just yet.  

 “You don’t have to get us anything. And I thought it had something to do with Cam and her trip.” Natalie responded accepting Sebastian’s story. 

 Camille purses her lips together at Natalie’s statement.  

 Natalie continued. “But you’re still coming right?”

 “Yes, of course.” He answered with a nod and at the same trying to catch Camille’s gaze. 

 “Okay, good.” She said with a relieved smile. “Are you bringing a plus one?” 

 “I thought he was going to be my plus one?” Camille interjected.

 “Well I wasn’t sure since you said Liz had asked if you could leave sooner. Like the day of the wedding. So I just wanted to make sure-.”

 Camille watched Sebastian softly place one hand over Natalie’s. “Breath sweetheart.” He ordered with a smile. 

 Camille’s heart warmed up at his sweet gesture.

 Doing what Sebastian asked, Natalie sucked in a large breath and let it out before mumbling. “Sorry.”

 “Nat, esta bien.” Camille reassured in Spanish. “I think its okay to feel this way right before your wedding. In fact I would be worried if you didn’t.” Blindly reaching for the plush pillow behind her and bringing it up to her chest. “Don’t worry, I talked to Liz, we were able to rearrange the schedule. I leave 2 days after the wedding. I wouldn’t miss this for the world.” 

 Camille could feel Sebastian’s gaze on her. “Two days after the wedding?” He repeated.

 “You didn’t tell him?” 

 Camille gritted her teeth. “I haven’t had the chance...” 

 Which was the truth. She had planned on sharing the piece of information with him, but then they started eating and talking and kissing, that she got distracted and forgot.  

 “What happened to the end of the month?” Sebastian asked with a wrinkle of his nose. 

 Natalie snorted, Camille glowered back at her sister. “What?” She said innocently.

 “Liz just told me about it 2 days ago.” She explained. Unsure of what else to say.  

 “Hence why I was freaking out.” Natalie added with a small frown. 

 “I was going to tell you.” Camille added quickly. “But then we started eating and talking and -.” Then stopped herself. 

 “I know.” Sebastian answered with a knowing smile. “The life of this business. It’s okay dragoste.”  Sebastian stated with a sly smile, licking his bottom lip in the process.

 Camille suppressed the whimper from her lips at his action. 

 Ten months. That’s how long she was going to be gone for her next job. Ten months in New Zealand. Two months ago, the idea of this trip sounded like a dream. And now? It sounded like the worst idea ever.  

 Whoa. 

 She needed to calm down. It had just been a few kisses. Nothing more. 

 Camille watched them from the corner of her eye as they continued talking. How was he so calm? Because her mind just kept replaying what happened on that couch. The way he smelled and felt. The feel of his tongue tracing the inside of her mouth. 

 Maybe it wasn’t a big deal for him. A kiss was just a kiss. Right? If that was the case then why were her lips still tingling? Why did she have the urge to do it again? 

 “Cam? Camille?” 

 She blinked out of her fantasy and found Sebastian and Natalie on their feet. “Yeah?” Camille asked, pretending she hadn’t just gazed off.  

 “Sebastian said he has to get going.” 

 “You do?” She asked stupidly. 

 “It’s almost midnight.” Natalie answered. “And he has to be at the airport at 430 in the morning.” 

 Shit was it really that late already? The night felt like it had just gotten started. “You really need to start getting later flights.” Camille blurted out jokingly, pushing the dream of kissing him out of her thoughts. 

 “I’ll make sure to bring that up to Emily.” Sebastian said before giving Natalie a warm hug. 

 “I’ll see you in a few weeks.” Natalie stated, letting go of him in the process.  

 Camille nervously rubbed both of her arms. “I’ll walk you out.” Standing up, heartbeat speeding up at the realization they were going to be alone again. 

 “Okay.” Sebastian answered with a smile before saying goodbye to Natalie one more time. 

 Camille led the way, taking them through the garage. She was so lost in her own thoughts she didn’t realize the garage door was open, until she tried to push the opener. “Oh geez Camille.” She uttered to herself, walking toward Sebastian’s rental. Not sure of what to do next, she halted by the passenger door and turned to him, a slight shiver running through her when the cold breeze hit her body. He was looking at her with amusement. Her cheeks felt hot now. “What?” she snapped, shifting from one foot to the other.

 Smirking, Sebastian took a step closer. “Anyone ever tell you how cute you are when you’re nervous?”

 Camille tilted her head to one side with a raised eyebrow, pretending his closeness did not affect her in any way. What was supposed to be their next step in all of this? Was there a next step? All this time she had been so focused on what it would be like to be in his arms that she hadn’t thought about the ‘what next’? Had he?

 She jumped a bit when she felt a drop of water on her forehead. She felt it again. She shouldn’t be surprised. It was February in California after all. It had been raining most of the week. Gazing up to the dark sky she said. “You should probably get going before it really starts to come down.”

 But Sebastian had other thoughts, he pressed against her, her body trapped against the passenger door. “We haven’t said bye yet.” He reminded in a low voice.

 Camille swallowed the lump before looking up at him through her lashes. “We haven’t?”

 “No.”

 But before either one could speak up, more drops of water began to hit them. Sebastian swiftly opened the passenger door, gesturing for her to get in. Camille wasn’t sure of what do to, but found herself sliding into the car and watched him run to the driver’s side. The moment he shut the door, the rain really started to come down.

 They locked eyes before laughing. “That was close.” Camille observed, leaning back.

 “So what’s the plan after the wedding now that you have to leave early?” Sebastian asked, his head pressed against the seat, but eyes on her.

 “I’m not sure yet.” She confessed looking straight ahead and playing with her necklace around her neck. In fact she hadn’t taken the pendant off since he had given it to her back in October. He only nodded. Camille quickly turned her attention to him. “I was going to tell you.” She repeated. “But I’m also still trying to digest it.” She finished with a small shrug.  

 “That’s a long time to be gone.” He agreed.  

 “Hmm, yeah.” Was all Camille’s mouth could say, eyes shut.

 “You nervous?” 

 “I am that transparent?” She asked with a short laugh, opening her eyes to find Sebastian’s eyes lingering down to her lips. She fought the urge to lean in and kiss him.  

 He moved his gaze away from her mouth, and back to her eyes. Her heart started to pound faster, harder, when he leaned over the console. “I just know you better than you think.” He said with a light smirk, cupping her cheek with one hand.  “And I also know you’ve probably obsessed about it, wondering if you’re going to do a good job...” 

 Camille’s gaze never wavered as he spoke. He was right. She was ridiculously nervous about this job. This was her first job without Liz as her safety net. Meaning she was going to be in charge of the other makeup artist /crew that were coming with her on this long job. 

 “The answer is yes Camille. You’re going to do an awesome job. You’re going to kick ass.” He finished with a warm smile.  

 “Thanks for the boost of confidence.” Returning the smile.  

 “Always dragoste.” Sebastian responded with a wink.  

 She closed her eyes and turned her nose and mouth toward his hand. She heard him clear his throat. “But I don’t want to talk about that anymore.” Pressing her lips into the moist hollow of his hand. 

 “O-oh no?” 

 “No.” Her voice was hoarse, quiet. Intense. 

 “Then what do you want to talk about?” He licked his lips and dropped his hand. She didn’t want him to stay away any longer. She needed to feel his lips against hers. 

 “About-about...” She stammered opening her eye as Sebastian closed in on her, his nose inches from hers, his mouth a hairbreadth away. She heard him suck in his breath in anticipation. 

 “About what baby?” he asked but kissed the corner of her mouth, in such a light teasing touched that she shivered. He stared hard, and Camille became overwhelmed with feelings she couldn’t begin to explain. All she knew was that she needed to have him near, needed him to kiss her, hold her, touch her. His lips hovered above hers, his nose alongside hers.  

“I wasn’t sure if you wanted to-.”  “Kiss you?” he answered without another second thought he kissed her, a honest to goodness, lips everywhere, tongue-teasing kiss. A sigh escaped from her. She dipped her head back and opened her mouth as she let Sebastian marveled at the taste and texture of her, so soft, so wet. 

 “Mmmm.” she murmured when his lips moved to her jaw, her neck. But he cut off her moan with another kiss that left her clinging to him like a lifesaver. 

 “Kissing you again was all I could think of doing when we were in there.” He almost growled against her mouth.

 Camille could hear the excited little rush of both their breaths, the pants, the moans, the shift from casual exploration to urgent questing. 

 “Really?” She whined, her heart feeling lighter at his confession. 

 “God yes, baby.” His lips sliding back down to  the hollow of her neck. Camille felt the goose bumps all the way down to her toes. She felt his warm lips suck gently on her skin and she groaned loudly. Thankful they were confined in the car and no one could hear them. “Fuck.” He said in a hot whisper. 

 They were close, but not close enough, she wanted to reach out and touch all of him. Even though her thoughts were consumed with the touch of his mouth Camille seemed to once again pick up on his thoughts as he bit gently on her neck, because she crawled over the console and into his lap, her knees sunk into the leather on either side his hips, and gasped softly when she felt the hard and strained at the fly of his jeans. 

 He brought his hands up and cupped her face between them, his lips back on hers. Sebastian pushed his tongue between her lips again and met the wet heat of her mouth as she sighed with pleasure.

 “You could’ve fooled me.” Camille murmured against his mouth. 

 He broke from her lips and dropped one hand, as the other stroked one side of her cheek with the knuckles. Sebastian chuckled lightly and pressed his forehead to hers. “Oh yeah?” 

 “Yeah.” Camille breathed, shifting a bit in his lap. She heard a grunt leave his lips. A small smile tugged on her lips when it registered she was sitting on Sebastian’s lap. She wasn’t sure it how it happened. But it just felt good to do. 

 “What’s the smirk for?” 

 “Nothing...it just hit me that I’m sitting on your lap and...” she confessed with a humorous laugh.  

 “Were making out?” He supplied with his own smirk.  

 She nodded. “Y-yess.” She moaned in response. His lips latched back on to the hollow of her neck and Camille wrapped her arms around his neck, as his hands slid up her back, making her whole body shiver. She could not even begin to describe how glorious this felt. He made her feel wanted. And she hadn’t felt that way in a very long time. She tossed her head back as his lips continued to torture her neck. 

 “Mmmm, is this your sweet spot?” Sebastian mused against her skin. Camille shifted once again and an almost like growl left his lips. 

 “Maybe...” Camille answered as coyly as possible, but it was hard to think straight at the moment. The bastard had found her spot.  

 He broke from her neck and lifted his head, a satisfied look in his eyes. “You know, you can be a real brat when you want.” 

 She playfully glared down at him through her lashes. “I don’t know what you’re talking about. I didn’t-.”

 “Camille?” 

 “What?” She snapped, her fingers caressing the back of his neck. 

 “Shut up, so I can continue kissing you.” Sebastian ordered. And before she could say anything else he did just that, hard. She felt him smile against her lips when he heard her cry out in pleasure. She didn’t argue with him, instead let his lips do the talking. 

 After a few minutes, Sebastian broke their kiss and said. “I should probably get going.” But his hands roamed up and down her spine.

 “Mmmkay.” Was Camille’s only response as she nipped at his lower lip. 

 He groaned. “Jesus, Camille you aren’t making this easy for me.” 

 “I’m sorry.” 

 He laughed. “We both know you aren’t.” Squeezing her waist before pulling her closer to him.  

 “You’re right, I’m not.” She said with a giggle. 

 “Come here.” he instructed softly, and covered her mouth with his again, one hand tugging behind her neck. He licked at her lips and teased his tongue into her until they both moaned in pleasure. Camille could not remember the last time she had a good full blown make out session. She forgotten how nice it was to just kiss someone.  

 “Didn’t you just say you had to leave?” She asked between kisses. He responded with a grunt. A grunt that turned into a low moan when Camille massaged his scalp leisurely.

 “I’m trying.” Sebastian said with a laugh, his large hands still caressed her back. “But this is so much more fun.” His lips trailing down her jaw. 

 Camille moaned response for what felt the hundredth time. For the next few minutes their mouths continued to explore each other. A small whine left her mouth when Sebastian ran his fingers through her curls. Camille was so engrossed in the moment she had managed to push aside away all the sounds surrounding them. But she quickly opened her eyes when she heard a loud slam outside of the car. She broke from his lips. “What was that?” She hissed.  

 “It was just a car door closing.” Sebastian answered, pushing her hair to one side of her neck. 

 “Are you sure?” 

 “Yes.” Sebastian said with a chuckle before pressing a light kiss behind her ear. He nuzzled his nose into the hollow of her neck. She heard him grumble when he inhaled her scent. “God, you smell so good.”    

 Camille didn’t know how to answer that. Instead she ran her fingers up and down his shoulders and arms and smiled warmly down at him. “As much as I want to continue this, you should get going.” She managed to say. “Don’t want you to over sleep.” 

 Sebastian glared up at her. “It happened one time!” He protested, but continued to stroke her back.  

 She stifled her giggles, burying her face into his neck. She was referring to back in December when he missed his flight home because he overslept. He had to be on standby until a flight opened up. Camille gasped in surprise, lifting her head up when she felt his fingers start to tickle her sides. “Sebastian!” She said through fits of laughter. “Stop!” 

 “That’s what you get for making fun of me.” 

 She dropped her arms from around his neck and shoulders and grasped his hands in each of hers. “Okay, okay! Stop!” She pleaded. “You know I don’t like being tickled.” 

 Sebastian stopped long enough to tangle his fingers with hers and bringing her knuckles up to his mouth. “I need to go.” He stated kissing her knuckles softly. 

 “You’ve been saying that for the past 10 minutes.” Camille reminded with a teasing smile.  

 “I know.” 

 She knew there was no more staling. He had to go. He needed to get some sleep before his flight. She had the urge to tell him to stay with her, but then she remembered her sister was there. Instead she leaned in and brushed her lips softly against his. “Start the car.” She ordered as sternly as possible. She could get use to kissing him like this all the time. 

 “I’ll see you a few weeks?” He asked, placing a strand of lose hair behind her ear. Camille only nodded. “I’m still your plus one right?” 

 “Yes. You can’t back out.” She ordered with a pretend scowl before pushing the door open. “You’re my scapegoat when Mi Tias start asking why I haven’t set a wedding date.” 

 “I’m glad I can help.” Sebastian said sarcastically. Camille was about to shift herself off his lap when he wrapped one arm around her waist. “Wait.” He started.  

 “What is it-.” But stopped talking when his lips touched hers again. She literally felt like she was melting against him. 

 After a few moments, Sebastian broke the kiss, a huge grin on his face. “Just one more for the road.” 

 Pretending it didn’t phase her, Camille slid off his lap, feet hitting the pavement. The grin he had a few moments ago disappeared and it was replaced with a frown when she shut the door with him still in the car. He turned the engine on and rolled down the window. 

 “Don’t pout at me.” Camille instructed, trying her best to keep her emotions in check. That only made him frown even more. “Stop.” She demanded with a small laugh, resting an elbow on the opened window. He could be such a baby sometimes. Yet, Camille knew it was his way of trying to lighten their goodbye.  

 “I can’t help if my mouth has a mind of its own.” He answered with a wiggle of his eyebrows. Camille rolled her eyes, ready to take a step back, but stopped when he placed one hand over hers. She looked expectantly at him. “Just so you know-if I had it my way....I wouldn’t be leaving right now. Especially after-.” 

 “I know.” Pushing herself on her tiptoes she leaned and pressed a sweet kiss to his cheek as reassurance. Then gathering whatever strength she had, she pulled away from him. “Text me when you land?” He nodded. Camille felt the drops of water again and quickly made her way to the open garage. 

 Sebastian waved before backing out of the driveway. Camille waved back with one hand, while the other touched her mouth. Hoping to keep the feel of his lips on her for as long as she could. She waited a few more moments to head back inside, trying to digest the last few hours. 

 Things were about to change. She was sure of it. How? She had no fucking clue. She must have been so lost in thought, she hadn’t realized she walked back into the house. Regardless of what happened next, Camille felt like she was floating on a fluffy cloud at the moment. 

 “I thought maybe you decided to go with him.” Natalie teased, sitting on a bar stool in the kitchen, eating leftover Thai food.  

 “Huh?” Camille said absently. “No.” 

 “What were you doing? Making out?” 

 At those words, Camille jerked her attention to her younger sister. “You were spying?!”

 Natalie’s jaw dropped and then quickly jumped out of the bar stool. “Oh my god! No! I was just joking! But it finally happened?” She squealed.

 God damn. Her sister was just being a smart ass! Camille opened her mouth to protest, but Natalie was already shaking her head and pointing a finger at her. 

 “Uh uh, don’t even try to deny it. You just spilled on yourself. I want all the details! Can I say it’s about damn time. You two have been playing this game for too long.” 

 Camille met her sister’s gaze, a small smile tugged on her face despite trying to play it cool. She had to share this with someone. And who better than her sister? Besides she needed to try and figure out what all this meant. 

 “Is he a good kisser?”

 Leaning against the stainless steel refrigerator, Camille covered her face with both hands, trying to hide the stupid smile. She shook her head, unsure of what to say. Because she couldn’t put into words what it was like to kiss Sebastian. What she knew was that for the first time in months, she didn’t feel as if there was a dark cloud above her. 

 Natalie squealed again. “Holy shit, that good?”

 Camille moves her hands away from her face, smiling like an idiot at Natalie. Her sister made her way to Camille, grasping her wrist. “I want to know everything. Don’t leave anything out!” Leading her to the living room.

Sources: ‘Picnic’ excerpt written by William Inge, Lyrics: Brandy’s Wildest Dreams

@thewintersadie @mydragulesebastian @its-daydreamer23 @janeyboo @peaceinourtime82 

[tetesaxman]

My Boston and New York Trip Summary

I wrote this as part of my WLJ Internship.

Staff Diary : 

We have many talented staff: full-time, part-time, interns, volunteers working with us towards strengthening our jazz community. From time to time we’d like to feature a personal thoughts of them. For this entry, we would like to feature our loving intern Te and about his first big trip to the States to Los Angels, Boston and the jazz capital, New York City!

MY BOSTON AND NEW YORK TRIP SUMMARY  Pongthipok Sootthipong (WLJ SG intern)

BOSTON DAY 1 - Wally’s Cafe Jazz Bar

As I was in the car driving from Merced to San Francisco Airport to take a flight to Boston, I’ve already looked up some jazz bars in Boston. Without thinking about how cold it was gonna be when I arrive in Boston, I planned to go to Wally’s Cafe Jazz Bar, which has been established since 1947. There were two things that made me decide to go to Wally’s that day, number one, how close it is to the hotel I was staying at and it advertised itself on its website as ‘Musicians Training Ground’. Since, I really wanted to see what the Berklee kids are doing musically, there was no hesitation. 

I reach Boston at 6 or 7pm, It was about 4 degrees Celsius, which I was told, was quite warm for Boston’s winter temperatures. I was literally freezing. I didn’t rethink my decision though, I took the metro to Wally’s. My description of Wally’s would be a space where the growing musicians can come and grow. It was a small bar with barely more space than the space of one ground floor shop house unit. It didn’t help with the fact that the place was packed back to front. I couldn’t get anywhere past the door.

As for the music at Wally’s, It was a saxophone quartet. I don’t know who it was but they were quite talented and young so I had my suspicions that they were Berklee or New England Conservatory students. To be honest, the level of musicianship on that day was pretty high, despite the loud talking and intoxicated audience. I felt like I didn’t appreciate their music as much as I should. This is purely because they were playing modern jazz, straight eighth kinda feel, which I haven’t studied and therefore do not understand. I stayed for 1 and half set. I had to leave because it was too hot inside the bar, too cold outside the bar and I needed to catch the train back to the hotel. Overall, it was a mixed experience stompin’ in at Wally’s but I blamed that on my level of musical understanding. 

BOSTON DAY 2 - BERKLEE COLLEGE OF MUSIC

The second day of my Boston trip, I was scheduled to meet with the Singaporean bassist studying abroad at Berklee College of Music, Mr. John Koh. We scheduled to meet at 160 Massachusetts Avenue at 12pm or as I called it, the Berklee new building. Prior to my meeting John, i’d like to do some CD shopping. After a search on Google Maps, I discovered that the best thing to do is to head to a music shop at the New England Conservatory, which was only down the road from my hotel. I was expecting the shop to be a CD shop, but instead it was a music shop, full of scores and other stuff. I bought a Brecker book then left. I discovered that I could walk from NEC to Berklee in 10 mins. Hence I did. 

As I walked up to Berklee on that cold saturday afternoon, I see the vibe, the practice vibe. Everybody was walking into or out of the Berklee College of Music buildings with their instruments and with their friends. The vibe was incredibly positive and friendly. There were Wendy’s restaurant, some bars, musical instrument shops and 7-eleven across the street. 

After I met up with John Koh, he took me for a trip around the campus of Berklee Boston. Their recording studios and suites are massive and state of the art. They have loads of fully equipped ensemble rooms littered throughout the campus buildings. They have a library full of music books. They have a big computer lab and a Stan Getz saxophone on display. 

However, their practice rooms are extremely tiny when compared to anything we are used to here at the college I studied at, LASALLE College of the arts or any other practice studios at Yong Siew Toh Conservatory of Music. Their piano rooms can only fit one upright piano and a bench and that’s it. In fact, when I came back to Singapore and told my teacher, Greg Lyons about Berklee. Being an alumni, he described the practice rooms for saxophone as telephone booths. All of this didn’t matter because on this saturday afternoon a week before christmas, everybody was practicing and shedding and hanging around Berklee. In fact, the day I was there, there happened to be an assault that took place at the 7-eleven opposite to the campus, but it didn’t matter because, everybody was still hanging around campus at 10pm. Massachusetts Avenue was still alive on this cold saturday night. 

NEW YORK CITY 

Two days later I was cruising through jazz bars in New York City. I went to the infamous Village Vanguard where I’ve paid 35 dollars for two nights for a 10:30pm set to watch Kenny Barron and Vanguard Jazz Orchestra. The set at Village Vanguard ended around midnight. Both nights, I was starstrucked to be able to watch some of my heros such as Kenny Barron and Dick Oatts performed live in front of me. The set at Village Vanguard ends around midnight. I would then grab a pizza from the store next door and walk down a block to Smalls. I love Smalls. It’s really a proper underground (literally) jazz bar you would envision to see in New York City. I was also there for two nights. I caught Ben Zweig Trio “After-hours” at 1am playing proper, super swingin’ swing music on the first night, and Jon Elbaz Trio “After-hours” at 1am playing more third-stream music which I’ve yet to understand. The will to find out more about the music made me stay for the after jam session on that night. 

It was closing in on 3:30am at Smalls. The after hours jam session is coming to the last song. The last song they played was ‘If I were a Bell’. Since It was getting late, each jammers was only allowed to take one chorus. There were about 6 saxophonists and a few more trumpeters and trombonists. Each jammers looks like they are college kids or younger. I could have sworn that they are 25 and younger. However, their level of playing is beyond beliefs. The language, the connection to the music, the communication within the band stand is astonishing. I’d never forget that last song. Each players were trying their best, all different sounds with one common goal, to play as good as they can play. 

I cannot put into words how inspired I am from taking this trip to Boston and New York as well as Los Angeles, where I actually jammed. I made new friends in these three cities last December and I’m glad. I’m glad that I’m fortunate enough to have experience what the music is really like in one of the best jazz schools in the world as well as the city which has been at the center of jazz music for the longest time. Prior to my journey to the states, I felt really stuck and uninspired, the jazz scene in Singapore was not doing so well and I’ve no new inspiration. No new experiences to fill that urge of wanting more even though I tried to get myself to be inspired, I practiced more, I transcribed more, I listened more. But at the end of the day, It was same old same old.  Same places, same tunes and same acts. It was as though nobody cares about the music anymore. It was as though we lost that connection that bonded music to us. 

Why not move to New York? I’d love to put myself in New York City, but that’s still a long journey away. Obviously there are many disadvantages of living in New York both musically and physically. However, I’m never someone who plans ahead that much, I’m more of a guy who make what now matters. I figured that the thing I can do now, is try to bring New York City back to me. To be the best of what I am. To push beyond expectations and limitations. To be inspired and eventually inspiring. There won’t be an end. 

In Singapore now and doing my thesis for my four months left at LASALLE College of the Arts, I have one big goal. My one and only big goal is to aim high, to aim to be as good as the New York Cats I saw ; jamming ‘If I Were a Bell’ at Smalls at 3:30am in the morning. I know it’s a long shot but it’s worth a try. This is because at the end of the day, you learn from your actions. 

MORE PICTURES

VINCENT HERRING at SMOKE, New York City

Vanguard Jazz Orchestra at Village Vanguard, New York City

Jam Session at Mezzrow Jazz Club, New York City

ALL BUT TWO jazz bars I went in the US was overground.

 Masami Kuroki at Rhythm Room, Los Angeles

Written by Tete with help and inspiration from Aya Sekine: Somewhen in early 2019

tetesaxman.com

welovejazz.org

[lateniterhymesandjustifiedcrimes]

I haven't been here in a while...

And wow I’d forgotten I used to write. I miss that part of me. I guess getting older really does change a person. I’m 25 now and I have no idea what I’m doing with my life. I have so many dreams. I wanna move to Korea and make a life there. It just looks so beautiful and fresh. I want that, Fresh. I want to start a YouTube channel. I’m even working on a concept now, but it’s proven to be tougher than I thought. Well, not really tougher, but unforeseen obstacles are presenting themselves. I want a dance studio. But nowadays I’m more broke than my boyfriend trying to sell his mixtape (inside joke).

Oh I have a boyfriend.

He’s a guy I loved 7 years ago. A guy I ruined a perfectly good 2 year relationship for. I literally crossed an ocean to tell a man I loved I was leaving him for a man I loved 7 years ago. Why? I don’t fucking know. I’m just a terrible person. I need to start from the beginning.

My stories normally don’t include names but here’s an exception. I met Anthony in fall 2010 when I first started college. He was this scrawny Filipino guy and idk but I wanted him. He was kind, innocent, a little shy, and really funny. I was into that back then because I was this little virgin girl who wanted another virgin to lose her virginity to, kinda like equivalent exchange (that didn’t happen, but that’s another story). I made an effort to be his friend (and through that effort, I met the people who would eventually became my family). Our friends totally shipped us, too. Anthony and I went on 1 date. To Mr. Taco. And we walked there. Yeah, neither of us could drive at the time. But, we had great conversation and I popped his horchata cherry. I really thought we connected.

Unfortunately, Anthony only saw me as a friend. For the first time, I knew what true friend zone felt like. I say true friend zone because people like to complain about being in the friend zone but never let the object of their affection know they’re interested and then stay in the friend zone. I made my intentions perfectly CRYSTAL clear. Men can be such idiots.

Anyways, time went by and we added another girl to our group. Anthony was totally into Maribel and no matter how hard I fought for his affection, he only saw her. They would date for 4 years. During those 4 years I had lost contact with him because she was the type of girl who commanded all of his attention. He had lost contact with all of us and broke some friendships because of her. During those 4 years, I’d managed to date 3 guys; Darek (most annoying dude on the planet and I have no idea why we’re still friends today), Phil ( the man I regret losing my virginity to, who is now engaged to a woman I’m pretty sure he cheated on me with), and Sammy.

I met Sammy through tinder. I joined tinder to feel wanted again (this was after my breakup with Phil and I was feeling incredibly empty because I was no longer pure). I didn’t expect much from Sammy. I just wanted to casually date. Of course this guy had other plans. After our first date (movie and accidentally meeting most of my friend group…awkward), he kissed me goodbye and that had to be the most passionate, sexy thing I’d ever experienced. Which is why I agreed to a second date…and a third date…and having sex with him…on my period…in his car…yup. On our 4th or 5th date (I can’t remember) he asked if we should make us exclusive.

Now in my head I was like hell fucking no. Sammy was in the navy and I knew from the get go I wasn’t into long distance shit. Plus I just wanted to be a slut. He wasn’t my type at all. He was a bit shorter than me, not super attractive (shallow I know, but I’m thinking about my future children here), he liked music I made fun of, and he didn’t dance. And I told him this shit. So we continued fucking around until he left for Hawaii.

Shortly after he left he told me the ship was taking a trip to Santa Barbara for a weekend for supplies or something. Idk why but I didn’t hesitate when he asked if I could meet him there. And it was best weekend of my life. We finally boned in a bed. We talked so much. We drank and danced and sang and kissed. We kissed a lot. And sometime during that weekend, not at the same time, we told each other “I love you.” He would be gone for 2 months and when I finally got to see him again, I knew we were in this for the long haul.

When you’re in love with someone, the things that didn’t initially attract you to them start to become attractive. Like his body. And his taste in music. And his style. And his personality. We were a great couple. He taught me responsibility and I taught him acceptance. And what I mean by acceptance is that I wasn’t his type of girl either. I dance, I love the gays, I’m irresponsible af, and I’m black. But we both became more open and better people because of each other. I had never so physically and spiritually attached to a person. I learned to do the long distance thing and for the first time really truly understood the need for your love's presence. I craved Sammy like nothing I'd ever craved in my life.

A little over a year passed and I was convinced this man was god sent to be my husband. We had met each other's families and were accepted. Sure, we would fight and argue a few times, but that's healthy and the make ups were well worth it. We talked about baby names and our future. A future that included Japan. His ship was moving to Yokosuka and we would be apart for 2-5 years. I was devastated and reminded why I didn't want this relationship early on, because of the long distance. But because of how much I loved him and how strong I believed our love to be, I stayed. We made plans for me to visit 5 months after he left. It would be the longest amount of time I would be without him. But I believed in our love.

Until Anthony came back into my life. I got invited to his 23rd birthday out of the blue and we reconnected. It had been a while since we'd been with our old group I started college with (he left because of Maribel and I left because of Darek). We both were a little lonely so we started hanging out again. Just the 2 of us. And we TALKED so much. I'd forgotten how close we used to be and the things we had in common. I thought it felt like we were dating, so I invited the whole group out for a day in LA so we wouldn't be alone. Those fuckers agreed and I went ahead and made plans and the day before everyone canceled, except Anthony. They were shipping the hell out of us again. The problem was that I was already happily taken. Our group trip turned date was really fun. And I was afraid of that. We got home late that night and I ended up sleeping over at his house. This wasn't the first time I slept over in his room. But this time was different. There was this tension between us that had never existed before. He was gonna give up his bed for me, but I insisted he sleep in his own bed. We both ended up in his bed. We didn't cuddle. And I couldn't sleep. So I rolled over to face him. And he rolled over and put his hand on my arm, like a really awkward cuddle. And I asked him, "How different would our lives had been if we had dated all those years ago?" (Or something very similar.) I don't remember his response, but I do remember my breathing suddenly getting ragged and me leaning in to kiss him.

First kisses are so fucking magical. Just something about kissing a new person for the first time oh my god. My first kiss was pretty bad, so every kiss afterward was mind blowing because I started kissing guys that knew what they were doing. The way he kisses me and holds me and his eyes and that thing he does with his tongue ahhh it's different for every guy and it's a fantastic and wonderful and different feeling every time. I live for those feelings. In that moment kissing Anthony, I forgot I had Sammy. And in that moment I knew I was never quite over Anthony. Anthony and I knew what we were doing. But staying away from each other was just too difficult. We never had sex, but with all the time we were spending with each other, we might as well have.

I was so conflicted. I started hating myself all over again. I never imagined myself as the cheater in a relationship. Sammy and I made a rule that if either of us cheated, that would be the end of the relationship. And at this time, I had already bought my ticket to Japan. Non refundable. I was going whether I liked it or not. And my 2-week notice was already in at work. I was so disgusted with myself for not being strong enough to stay faithful to my man. But I was also happy because of Anthony. He had a way of making a problem disappear. But eventually I had to tell him that we couldn't be together. I loved Sammy and I planned on marrying him one day. We had plans to move to New York together after Japan. Anthony cried and his crying made me cry. Nobody was a winner here.

I flew to Japan and met up with Sammy. It was supposed to be a beautiful magical reunion, but I was clearly bitter. I spent the whole flight thinking about how to tell him I cheated. He noticed but didn't comment. I spent a week getting settled in, going on dates, taking in the sights. Every moment with Sammy in Japan made me want to stay with him forever. But I knew that wasn't going to happen. I told him what I did after I had a dream of me confessing. We talked for so long. He was willing to take back our rule if we both agreed to look over this and stay together. And I almost agreed. The words telling him yes we're on the tip of my tongue. But that's also the moment I realized it didn't matter how in love I was with Sammy. I wasn't trustworthy nor grateful enough to be his forever. He didn't deserve someone as unworthy of his love as me. So I told him I was choosing Anthony. I felt the weight of that decision immediately. He started crying. I never want to be the cause of such sadness ever again. I've never hurt anyone the way I hurt Sammy that day. He told me he had bought a ring and was planning on proposing the second month I'd be in Japan in Kyoto. It was a proposal only he could pull of and super cheesy and so much better than the proposal I'd fantasized about. And that's when I started crying. We spent the next week trying to figure ourselves out and angry fucking (best sex of my life, hands down). He tried to salvage our relationship but it was quickly made apparent that what we had was broken. My last night in Japan we had our last date. And was wonderful, but bittersweet. And the next day, I was all packed up to leave. He walked me to the elevator and as the door closed told me I can still stay if I want to. To this day, I still question if I made the right decision.

Anthony picked me up from the airport and our relationship blossomed from there. A year and a half later and we're still together. Sammy and I stopped talking, but I'm still not over him. I know that's unhealthy especially since I'm with someone else, but I can't help but still love him. I never wanted to leave. But I knew staying wasn't any better. That's not to say I don't love Anthony. I just don't love him the same way. The connection between Sammy and I is completely different than the one between Anthony and I. Both different, but both amazing. In hindsight, I should have taken more time to be single before jumping into another relationship, but I just couldn't stay away (slut).

I drank almost every day and watched any and every romance movie on Netflix when I got back. I was unemployed, lazy, and emotional. I stopped dancing. I gained weight. I developed a loathing for myself. This lasted for 8 months and Anthony wasn't having that shit, so he pretty much forced me into a summer dance intensive and made me get a dance job. I also got my job back at Ihop and went back to school to get more AA's. I think that's what made me really love Anthony, how he pushed me.

I don't want to get too into our relationship because I feel that should be a separate story. I just feel compelled to tell the story of the man I would literally cross an ocean for and the expensive breakup that followed. I guess only time will tell if I made the right decision. It's 4am and I have to be up in 3 hours so it looks like I'll just end the story here. Good night.

[aliceellablog]

Utter Rantage

It’s Friday night… It’s Top of the Pops… It’s not…I’m not sure why that came into my head… I’ll start again.

It’s Friday night… and I am sat on the sofa alone eating a stupidly large Toblerone on the verge of tears.

I’ve been crying on and off all day and not really managed to shake it. Balls.

I just don’t understand. I don’t understand why I feel like this and why Brian acts the way he does (for new readers, Brian is what I call my brain…yep…)

Why do I have days when I feel like I could conquer the world- or rather, make it as a singer, and then days where I question the whole thing and think I should just accept that I am unwell and live my life watching Jeremy Kyle, This Morning, and Catfish, living on microwave meals and Haribo.

I suppose I should start with the fact that I haven’t been sleeping, which has been a problem on and off since I got ill at 14. I try to go to bed at a reasonable hour and when I get into bed I am EXHAUSTED. I feel like I am going to fall asleep as soon as my head hits the pillow. But instead Brian likes to go through every little thing that I have done, or not done, that day. He then likes to plan a minute by minute account of what I am going to do the next day and play out every possible scenario and outcome. Then he usually spends a bit of time obsessing over the fact that I am SO tired yet I haven’t fallen asleep yet. We then go over the fact that I have or haven’t taken a sleeping pill and when it might kick in.

We try slow breathing, thinking of ‘nothing’, sleep apps that play the sound of a rainforest (it also plays the sound of a hoover and a little ‘medieval’ tune with like a flute or something…. Oh and frogs… who wants to fall asleep to that?!) and we also try counting sheep. I have on numerous occasions closed my eyes, and genuinely pictured a field full of sheep and counted as each little fluffy bastard jumps over some random little fence. IT HAS NOT WORKED.

I’ve tried routine, having a bath before bed, no looking at my phone for an hour before bed… ok…. I struggled with that one… but Brian just doesn’t like to be left alone. Go away Brian!! Let me sleep!!

So yea… that probably isn’t helping with how I feel, but the weird thing is that I have been doing a lot better recently in general. I’ve been managing to do the odd song writing session and studio work- even though some have been a right old struggle to get through. I have also been really on top of all the admin and email / promotion side of things for the first time in forever.

I do actually feel like I have a sort of ‘plan’ and it’s slowly coming together with regards to meetings I’ve got coming up, the new single (24 Obsession) I am releasing and even planning the next release after that… the thing is… I can then go in to panic mode. Ah!

Like… I book all these great things, but then, what if I can’t make it?? Shall I just cancel them? Or cancel some of them so I have more rest time in-between? I already try to plan SO carefully and don’t book more than one thing on one day- how frustrating is that!!!! But I’m kinda used to that and if I can do one thing on a day that’s still one thing more then nothing eh!! (OMG I just said something positive! Yay me!!) But then I tend to have one good day and over book myself and get in a right old pickle!!

It really does get me down the amount of time it takes me to do things compared to a ‘healthy’ person. I know I should be grateful if I can do anything at all, and I am, but life isn’t like that and everything is relative. I kind of see it that a ‘normal’ person could do what I do in a week in two days. For example in 7 days if I was having a really good week, I reckon I could do a writing session, recording sesh, and maybe a meeting?? Thats like 2 days worth of stuff right? Sorry I really am just feeling sorry for myself now, but then take into account the fact that I’ve just had pretty much 2 years out, and keep having to have weeks / months off at a time and you might get the idea. Well.. I mean 14 years really... I just mean 2 years recently ya know....

Then I see people having social lives. People going to work and then going out after for ‘drinks’ or whatever. I know I’ve said it in another blog before but I am desperate to be able to go out with friends and have a drink and a dance. It kills me that I can’t. And pretty much every weekend I have to either watch as my (gorgeous amazing best friends) housemates do their thang and go out and have fun, (Luckily they also enjoy staying in with me and watching tele sometimes ;) but if it’s not them going out then its the whole of bloody Facebook and Instagram with their ‘one bottle or seven’ memes. Yes you are having a great time, but I am not, so go away.

Bitter?? Me?? Never ;) ;)

This then begs the question - should I quit social media?? We all have this problem- everyone’s lives looks better than your own- I mean to be honest if I were to scroll through my Instagram feed I think it looks like I am a healthy girl, having fun, following my music career dreams without a care in the world- but then of course we only really put pictures up of the good bits, and if we decide to share the bad times they are usually few and far between and there’s always that risk that it can come across as a cry for attention. I hate attention I do… HAHAHA oh I make myself laugh- is this me trying to get attention though? Nah… what with my like… 6 Tumblr followers I definitely see this as more like therapy. And I do it in the hope other people will read this, relate to it, and then not feel quite so alone. Anyway, god I am on a right rantage now aren’t I!?!?!

Where was I… Ok so I could leave social media and get rid of all the jealousy I feel when I see people who appear to have perfect lives, or at least seem to live a life that I want. But…. #FOMO (Fear Of Missing Out) What if I miss an important post? (I have actually got a lot of music related jobs etc through Facebook and it is one of the key self promotion tools when it comes to releasing your own music!) How will I know what my friends and people I know are up to… OK that one felt weird to type- I heard it- if they are your real friends then message them or talk on the phone!! But realistically there are tons of things I know my friends, family and acquaintances have done or are doing purely because of Facebook and the like.

I don’t know. But I know I look through it all way too often.

So I usually do a bit of a recap of the last two weeks in these blogs… as I have the worst memory of anyone I think I’ve ever met (can’t remember) I shall get the diary out…

Ok so I’ll start with the fact that I had my old band round for dinner which was LOVELY!! I was having a bit of a bad day and didn’t think I would be up to it but once they got here and Chinese food had been ordered I was a much happier bunny :) The last gig I did with them was around two years ago for the launch of my first single ‘Summer Sun’ - at one point in the evening we were reminiscing about it all and I broke down into tears infront of them all - a bunch of lads- which was highly embarrassing but maybe that just showed them how much I care, and how much I miss it. Anyway we had a lovely catch up and fingers toes and flaps crossed we will be gigging together in the not tooooo distant future!! :)

I spent the next five days at home going between resting and working on a new youTube video- It’s a cover of ‘Stay’ by Zedd ft. Alessia Cara and it is my entry for this month’s MTV Cover of the Month Competition- here’s the link to the comp if you fancy voting for me - you can ‘clap’ as many times as you like ;) ;) THANK YOU!!!!!!

http://www.mtvcoverofthemonth.com/v/253144

And here’s the link to the video on the YouTubes, I really hope you enjoy watching it :) : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UpVtfAuZ97s

On the Sunday we filmed that video at an amazing studio just down the road from where I live (massive yay!) and it was so great to work with Matt Allen :) He’s an amazing videographer and editor and was super fun and easy to work with.

On the day I actually felt quite up for it, but about an hour into the three hour shoot and I was having major internal panic about how tired and basically awful I felt. Anyway, got through it and got it done YAAAAASSS :D

A few days after that and I was back down to Biggin Hill (the other end of the Earth) to record some vocals with Warren. We were recording the final vocals for the next single release (after 24 Obsession) and I am honestly SO freaking happy that we managed to finish them!! Next will be some production changes and then getting the remixes done and the video etc etc etc, but the reason why I am already working on the next single is so that once I release this one there won’t be another long ass wait until the next one :)  Although to be fair to myself the main reason for this two year gap has been the elf!

Oh and I also beat Warren 19-4 when we were watching catchphrase!! LOOOOL!! - I am so obsessed with this gameshow- I even applied to be on it and got to the auditions stages- then I was told that I had made it to being a reserve for the show….so close!!! I will definitely be applying again next series though!! It is my calling!!

Then it was back home for a bit more resting and coco-pop action :) This felt ok though as I had done the video and the studio sesh, it actually felt like it was deserved rest.

The next eve I went to see one of my favourite people play his own sell out gig in Camden- Okiem- check him aaaaat!! He is a pianist who has played for all kinds of acts including Tinie Tempah, Delilah, Duke Dumont etc etc and is now writing and performing his own classical / cinematic music which I can assure you is bloody beautiful!!!

I went with one of my bestests who I live with - Grace- who is genuinely one of the funniest girls I think I have ever met! Oh the stories I could tell you about her :) But not only is she hilarious she is also caring, kind, and she gives a shit- to be fair she’d had a few drinks, but during the concert she turned round to me and just said how if I ever wanted to talk to her or have a rant about anything she is always there and wants to listen and be there for me. I think she knows that I try not to talk about my health stuff too much as I feel like it must get so boring and ‘woe is me’ for all my housemates, but I could tell that she was being genuine and I almost burst into tears there and then… I just about managed not to….. but it meant so much.

The gig was amazing and I was SO proud of Oak!! He is one of the cowriters and producers of that next single that I was recording the vocals to you see! Ah I am a lucky gal!

The next day I travelled down to Sussex to be with Mumma bear :) She has just had a little operation so I wanted to come and spend some time with her and look after her. MY goodness… she is the most inspiring person I have ever met… I mean after all.. she did have me ;) ;) no but seriously, I think she’s had like twenty something operations in her life. I won’t list them but they include tumours of the spine and all sorts. She has had a constant battle with her health throughout her whole life too so I think that’s probably why we understand each other so much.

So having said that I really wanted to come home and look after her, but while I was there I had a really bad few days and spent most of the time on the sofa with Ollie (my cat). Rubbish. But we did have some good quality time together and I managed to cook her a few meals at least :)

I felt like I had been doing really well up until that point and can’t really see a ‘reason’ why I felt so bad.

That’s the thing, I am always searching for reasons, like having over done it, or that I ate the wrong things or didn’t do this or that, but sometimes there just is no reason that I can see, and that pisses me right off. Like what am I supposed to do?? Push through it even if I feel like I am going to collapse? Rest even though then my stamina levels will go back down and everything will be that much harder the next day and days after that? Ugh.

I have been talking lots about the LP (Lightning Process) in my last few blogs as it is something I am really trying to do….. I truly believe that it has been really helpful but then I just sometimes get days like this when it’s like nothing can shake how shit I feel.

I’ve been so tearful too and just feel like giving up- which is the exact time that I should be doing the LP!! It is so confusing and hard to do!! You basically have to do it all the time especially when you are at your worst….which is by far when it is the hardest. I have been doing it the last few days but I know I haven’t been doing it enough. But why? Is it my brain? Surely I am in control of it? I don’t know. Maybe Brian is back in control. 

Anyway I have been typing for a long time now and I’m gonna get into bed... well... some sofa cushions on the floor - (staying at any brothers place tonight, which has been lovely as him and his gf Holly just got engaged!!!! How exciting!!!!) and try and sleep it off and wake up tomorrow with a fresh head.

I HAVE to work out a way to control Brian. Why does he want me to fail to bad? I can’t let him win. I won’t let him win. Silly Brian. ;) x 

[shemakesmusic-uk]

INTERVIEW: Gina Volpe.

Gina Volpe's (Lunachicks/Bantam) latest 3 song single,'Chaos Agent' reflects upon the long strange year of 2020.

Kicking off with the brooding yet melodic title track, Volpe describes an invisible (and unpredictable) disrupting force that lurks beside our everyday lives. Sometimes it seems that you’ve got it all figured out and then sometimes a global pandemic arises out of nowhere and explodes all of your plans into smoldering bits, with lyrics such as, “…and like that, it’s gone, up in smoke.” Nodding to the (now postponed) 2020 sold out reunion shows that Volpe was planning with her first band Lunachicks.

The following track, '30 Days', written after the first month of lockdown last spring open with the lyrics, “30 Days of Isolation, one more cancellation and now another 30 more” as Volpe recounts relatable feelings of loneliness, loss and a general nostalgia for our lives before Covid. Treating this melancholy subject with poppy lightheartedness, Volpe departs momentarily from her signature heavy guitar and synth sounds.

Volpe closes with, 'Secret Weapon' by putting the pandemic related material aside for a much needed dance break with this electro/rock/disco stunner. Inviting the listener to try their luck by giving someone/something they might normally overlook a chance, Volpe hints that by doing so they may find out where the magic lies- could be in the last place you’d expect.

We were thrilled to be able to have a chat with Gina all about pandemic life, ‘Chaos Agent’, the Lunachicks reunion and much more. Read the interview below.

Hi Gina! So, how have you been affected by the global pandemic? What has a typical day in lockdown looked like for you?

"Hieeee! Before lockdown I was super busy rehearsing and getting ready for the upcoming Lunachicks shows. At first I was like, ahhh a nice little break from my packed schedule. Then when we started to realize this wasn’t going to be over anytime soon and after I had binge watched all of the Netflix that I could stand, I began to teach myself animation and motion graphics on by watching YouTube videos. I put a few of the videos I made on my channel."

It's brilliant that you've managed to stay creative and have a new three song single out. Please tell us about the songs on the release and the creative process behind them. I imagine it was a little different this time around!

"It was certainly different this time! Mainly because I couldn’t go into the studio as I normally would so I recorded everything at home (built a vocal booth in my basement) and swapped files back and forth with my producer Barb Morrison. One of the songs '30 days' was written last year just after lockdown was extended into April. I had been meaning to record it all year but kept going back and forth about it because it’s a really poppy tune and I wasn’t sure if anyone would like it. Eventually I thought, “fuck it” that’s not how creativity works -you can’t worry about approval/disapproval otherwise you’d never get anything done, so just forge ahead, follow the muse and make art.

“'Chaos Agent' is also pandemic related. I wanted to give a name to what I think is an unseen disrupting force that is always present in our lives. It pops up every so often to remind us how insignificant we humans are in this world and to not take the privilege of life for granted. Lastly, 'Secret Weapon' is unrelated to the pandemic finally lol. This one is about the underdog. For all the people who get overlooked because they don’t fit into societal standards, whether they are too fat-skinny-old-poor-shy whatever. I think about all of the unrealized talent that gets ignored (in so many industries) for purely superficial reasons. So this track is like, “hey look over here, maybe try something else for a change!”

What do you hope fans take away from the new material?

"Joy! I can only hope that someone will put on my music and feel the same way that I feel when I hear music I like. You know that feeling when you hear a song and you’re like, “yes! I will be listening to THIS SONG all summer!” That would be the best reaction I could ever ask for."

Photo credit: Michael Lavine

You finally have new dates in November for the Lunachicks reunion shows (third time lucky!) and you're also playing Punk Rock Bowling in Vegas in September. You must be buzzing to perform on stage again! What are you looking forward to the most? (Will you ever come to play in the UK?)

"Omg yes it’s really gonna happen this time! Except we haven’t rehearsed in a year, yikes. The thought of being on stage again is terrifying and exciting at the same. I would think that eventually we would come back to the UK maybe 2022? We would love to get back over there!"

What sparked the idea for Lunachicks to reunite? Will there be any new music to sink our teeth into? What does the future hold for the band?

"We always knew we would play again, although none of us could have imagined that we would have ended up taking so long to do it! Also we wrote a book! It’s a memoire and it will be published on June 1 by Hachette Books. We don’t really have a long term plan here just kinda going with the flow and seeing where it takes us, anything is possible."

Speaking of the book...What can you tell us about that?

"We’ve been working on it for years. It is the story of the band but it is also a story about friendship. Theo, Syd and I wrote the book with our good friend and author Jeanne Fury. It’s one part- a coming of age story, one part a- rock’n’roll memoir, and one part a story of all that we’ve been through together as friends and creative partners. The other past members all have contributed to it as well."

Anything else you have up your sleeve that you want to share? Any non musical goals?

"I’m still trying to get better at my animation/video skills so having new music to make videos for has been keeping me busy. But I do want to make animated shorts with some of my illustrated characters."

Finally, you have been in the music industry a long time now. What would you say has been your biggest takeaway/piece of advice? And if there was one thing you could change about the music world today, what would it be?

"Well I will say what I said before which is, when it comes to making any kind of art you really have to shut out and shut down any judgements or expectations of what you think other people may or may not have of you and just create. Do it for the love of doing it and know that success isn’t measured by how many streams/followers/money you get.

"And if I could change anything about the industry it would be that streaming services should pay artists MUCH MORE than they do now. This would make such a difference for so many creators. Until then, just keep plowing ahead because as far as I’m concerned there will never be enough new music in the world, so keep making it!"

‘Chaos Agent’ is out now.

[yourcertainstudentlight-blog]

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I just found out i am 5 weeks pregnant and dont currently have insurance. My husbands works and his employer offers insurance for the family for $850.00/mo, which is completely ridiculous and not affordable for us right now. I stay at home with my daughter in Missouri, but we are having a hard time getting medicaid. Any advice. Thanks...""

Maternity insurance or no insurance?

i was on my parents insurance and now they are going to medicare. so i am naturally kicked off their insurance. they keep telling me to not get insurance for maternity because it isnt worth it and we should just pay out of pocket. but what if something goes wrong and im stuck in the hospital longer than i need to be? my husband doesnt have a job and only i work but i cant get insurance through their company. we probably could save up and pay out of pocket but would using insurance be much better? i myself wont have insurance at all once they switch over to medicare so i have to find insurance for both my husband and i. plus possibly adding on maternity. so maternity insurance or no?

What is the best pet insurance company for my puppy?

I just got  a 2 month old beagle puppy. What insurance company would be the best for my puppy? And what coverage would I really need?

How much would insurance be a month for a 1988 ford mustang gt for a 16 year old driver in ny?

hi i want a 1988 ford mustang gt 5.0 and i am 16 years old. i was wondering how much the insurance would cost a month. im in new york and plz no answers like alot or anything like that just an estimate. pl answer and thankyou

Who is the best for motorcycle insurance?

Who is the best for motorcycle insurance?

""Which is cheaper for liability insurance, in Alabama: Geico, The General, or 21st Century?""

I am buying a little beater, just need some el cheapo liability..cant compare w/o VIN number, don't have that yet..""

""Does anyone know how much a boat would cost me for a year, that's including gas, insurance, etc.?""

Does anyone know how much a boat would cost me for a year, that's including gas, insurance, etc.?""

How do I get health insurance for my 2 year old son?

I have a 2 year old son and me and his mother are separated and I want to get him a health insurance plan. His mother is not working now and I work on my own so I don't have health insurance from work to cover for him and we are about to go to court to settle for child support and custody and I want to have him on health insurance. Please any help will be appreciated. Where do I go or where do I call? is any health insurance good or how does this work? Thanks.

Scooter insurance - where can i get cheap scooter insurance for my 16 year old son ?

My 16 yr old son is being quoted stupid prices - he has a 49cc and has past his cbt. can anyone suggest a company who specialise in young riders ?

How long after not having sr22 insurance does your license gets suspended?

My boyfriend is required to have sr22 but the guy that he was getting insurance from hasnt been in his office for weeks and we cant get a hold of him. Its been like four or five days since he hasnt had it and im just wondering if his license would be suspended by now and what do we do about this? Because it wasnt even my boyfriends fault.

Does having a CDL help lower your insurance on your vehcile?

Does having a CDL help lower your insurance on your vehcile?

Cheap insurance sites?

Cheap insurance sites?

Teenage Car Insurance?!??!?

I'm 15 and for my 16th Bday I'm getting an mid-sized SUV. & I'm just wondering about how much the monthly payments are gonna be......? thanks for any help:)

Any Creative Marketing ideas for Auto/home insurance in California?

I've been trying lots of new ideas for marketing my insurance business. I do flyers, internet advertising and more. What made you chose your insurance agent? What sorts of things are important to you, (other than price)? What sort of promotions would you be interested in seeing?""

Need custom car insurance information?

I have a custom car, and am looking for information on custom car insurance. Rates and also brokers that cover this.""

When buying a used car what do you do about insurance?

so i am going to buy a used car. it's my first car but to put it on the insurance how do i go about it? do i call the insurance company before i buy the car or after? im so confused

Can car insurance companies pull your insurance without notifying you?

My girlfriend is at university and just seen that her car insurance has paid a sum of money back into her bank account and after checking the dvla website it currently says her car in not insured! Can an insurance company pull the insurance without notifying her of why its been done and when it was done as the policy was taken out about a month go. Where does she stand legally too? many thanks for your help D.

Do libs honestly believe that car insurance is analogous to health insurance?

Beware of these guys; they are dangerous... In my state alone you don't have to buy car insurance if you can post a bond or if you have a fleet of cars i.e. if you can SHOW YOU HAVE THE ABILITY TO PAY FOR any damage you cause with your car. If I can pay for my own health care, why would I buy health insurance?""

What cars would be cheap to buy and on insurance for a 16 y/o driver?

my years i like are 1995-2004 and i dont want to spend more than 2000-3000 and more than 100-150 on insurance

I would like to get a moped when i am 16 and was wondering how much around the insurance would cost a year?

I live in england and will be 16 soon and am wanting to get a derbi gpr 50. I am male and will be a student in 6th form possibly working part time. can't think or anything else i just wanna know an average like will it be more for the insurance because derbi gpr 50 is a geared bike etc.

Medical Insurance too expensive?

Currently I am paying $514.03, every WEEK to cover my family of four. Our employers do NOT cover a huge chunk of the costs. I am completely ignorant to this new Obamacare, but I am also starting to learn about it. The only thing I seen happen with Obamacare is yes my insurance got better and stronger (Open Network), but it also increased over $200 a week. I am not kidding it is about $2,064.00 a month. I can't afford to go to the Doctor and pay the Co-Pays because of my weekly payment!!!! It almost seems better for my husband to lose his job and we can collect welfare/medicaid! What is out there for us? Please don't tell me to shop around because I have and its very expensive. I can save $50 and some even increased over $100. Nothing in our medical history to cause expensive insurance either. What does Obamacare do for this situation? Who can I call to get some help?""

What are some good health insurance plans?

We're trying to find one with low Coinsurance, I can't afford to pay 50% on a surgery -_- Anything good and affordable you guys recommend for families?""

Best/cheapest car w/ durability and power?

I'm going to buy a car in the near future, but I'm just having some trouble finding a good one. Here is a list of what I'm looking for: -0-60 in less than 7 seconds -Over 20 MPG -Easy to work with -A few aftermarket parts -Manual -CHEAP INSURANCE!!! Optional: -Not a convertible -RWD preferred. -DURABLE Thanks for your replies!""

Do you need car insurance to get drivers license in Texas?

I'll give the BEST ANSWER award to the person who knows what they're talking about and not just guessing at things.

Dental discounts or affordable insurance in NJ?

I do not have dental insurance for myself and I need a good amount of dental work done, i was wondering if anyone could tell me an affordable dental plan or insurance that isnt exspensive in NJ? Im not applicable for NJ familycare dental""

Will my health insurance change?

im 21 and still in college in mass, if i move out of my house into an apartment will i lose my fathers health insurance?""

How much would it cost a year to own a car like a Ferrari in INDIA? pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee... answer?

a car like a porsche 911 or ferrari f430. how much would it cost a year to own. dont include the buying cost. include everything else. like insurance, tax, fuel cost, everything, etc.""

""What is the pros and cons of 3rd party,fully comp and no insurance?""

What is the pros and cons of 3rd party,fully comp and no insurance?""

What is the best pet insurance company for my puppy?

I just got  a 2 month old beagle puppy. What insurance company would be the best for my puppy? And what coverage would I really need?

Why is my insurance so cheap?

I am a 19 year old male, and I own a 2011 Nissan Altima SL. I live in Baltimore City (which has the highest rates in the state) and have a speeding ticket and a not at fault accident. I carry 100/300/100 coverage with matching 250 deductibles. I also have vanishing deductible, accident, and minor violation forgiveness. I pay 172.00 per month. I thought I could save a few bucks and switch companies, however, I quoted literally every company available in MD and the lowest I found was 580 a month for the same coverages. Thats a HUGEEE difference! I am starting to wonder if something is wrong with my policy. I have had it about a year with no issues, and my not at fault claim went through smoothly. I am the sole policy holder, and no, my family is not with Nationwide either... What could cause such a difference? Any ideas?""

Does speeding tickets raise your insurance?

I've gotten 2 speeding tickets this month so I'm worried. Does this raise your insurance rates?

How much do you pay for your car insurance? 10pts?

I have Geico and my vehicle is a lease...Jeep Liberty 05...I was charged $55.72 for this months insurance, it's always low but UM wtf??? How much are you paying? Do you own your vehicle/ lease? Year /Model? Thanks!""

Cheapest car insurance for a young driver?

im 20..i own a car. no tickets and no accidents i have had my license for a yr and half where can i find the cheapest car insurance?

Is there affordable health insurance out there for someone who has had high blood pressure?

Is there affordable health insurance out there for someone who has had high blood pressure?

How can I find my neighbors home insurance company?

My neighbors have a pit bull which is completely untrained and escapes from their yard on a regular basis. I have tried to talk to my neighbor telling him he needs to keep his dog in his fenced yard but he does not speak English very well and I don't believe he understands me. I do know that he owns his house. I am concerned that if his dog attacks someone that his home owners insurance won't cover it. My home insurance company told me that they would not cover a pit bull if I had one. How can I find out what insurance agency my neighbor is using so that I can find out if he has coverage for his dog (or blow him in for having a dog his insurance won't cover).

Are there any good arguments for requiring health insurance. Ive only heard arguments against it?

Ive heard the car insurance one, not very solid. I also have heard there will be hardship exemptions and certain levels of income earned that will determine how much help will be given in purchasing insurance. Just looking for somethings to note when someone brings up this part of the bill""

Does anyone have any personal experience with Transamerica Life Insurance? Positive or Negative?

Life Insurance Companies

Why is Obama all of a sudden denying HIS OWN WORDS health insurance made over YEARS?

in his OWN WORDS: http://www.breitbart.tv/uncovered-video-obama-explains-how-his-health-care-plan-will-eliminate-private-insurance/

Health insurance question?

Can someone tell me what in network and out of network means? I applied for my health benefits today and the lady had me soooo confused. I understand that an in network doctor will save me money. Does an in network doctor mean they accept my insurance and out of network they don't accept it? LOL this is my first time having private insurance so i'm not quite sure what all of this means!

Cheap cars to insure?

ok so im not gonna get into it cause it was a big mistake and i never want to relive it but a little while ago i ran from the cops in my car ( 2002 firebird) and i was able to get away but someone noticed my car and tipped them off so now i am having to sell my car and go to court for some tickets. after talking to my lawyer i am looking at 22 points on my license. most of them will be dropped but he said i would still be looking at 5 digits for my insurance. so now i am looking for a new car and just wanted some advice on what i could get that would be the cheapest to obtain and insure?

How much is car insurance for a 16 year old?

I am a male and I will drive a 91 crx si . none of my parents have caused an accident.

Would I able to stop my car insurance if the car has not been fully paid?

I bought a car, mazda protege and I'm planning to just store the car in my garage and not drive it for a year. obviously , Im not gonna be using it so its stupid to have an insurance for it. but the car is financed from a bank, I owe the bank a car loan. would the bank care if theres no insurance on the car. help pls.""

What is the cheapest insurance company for georgia drivers under 18?

What is the cheapest insurance company for georgia drivers under 18?

First time insurance for a 17 year old lad?

The cost of insurance is so high even if i added him to my current policy. so then i am wondering about putting him third party on his own insurance.. what are the main pro's and cons' of this... his car is worth about 850 and his excess would between 650-750 anyway, thanks in advance for your help :-)""

Best affordable medical insurance for surgery?

My boyfriend needs open brain surgery but does not have any insurance. What is the best affordable insurance andd can we be on the same plan without being married or related?

Car lot where i don't need full coverage insurance (47130)?

Is there a car lot (buy here pay here) that doesn't require you to have full coverage auto insurance in Jeffersonville Indiana 47130 or even Louisville ky. thank you.

""Regarding NJ Law. If I suspend Auto Insurance on my car, do I have to surrender the plates to the MVC?""

I have a car that I seldom use now, can I keep the plates on the car with no insurance policy. And if I need to use this car, reactivate my auto policy for those specific days. Is ...show more""

How much would the average cost of car insurance for a 16 year old male in ohio be?

How much would the average cost of car insurance for a 16 year old male in ohio be?

Outraged by auto insurance companies?

I had an accident on may 8, 2009, It was not my fault and the woman I had the accident with accepted her fault. I got the information of the insurance company. The loss defined by an automotive company, but never paid until now. More than three months passed,I always call insurance company, but they are always saying lies and fudging, is there anyone faced with same situation? I do not know what to do.""

Car insurance and speeding points?

Hey, when I was 18 I got 3 points for speeding. It is coming up to 5 years since I got them and when doing insurance quotes it always says 'any speeding convictions within 5 years' I was just wondering, dees that mean once it has been 5 years, that I won't have to declare them anymore? and will they completely disappear from my driving record/license? Also, please no replies saying 'grow up, dont speed etc. I know, which is why I grew up and haven't for 5 years. Thanks.""

What is the major advantage of term life insurance over whole life insurance?

What is the major advantage of term life insurance over whole life insurance?

Are car insurance quotes free?

i just want to know

How much will insurance cost? (teen driver)?

im 16 and im getting my license in a week or so and i was wondering how much will the insurance cost? im going to be driving a 2003 corolla and my parents have state farm. any help? thanks!

Cheapest Motorcycle insurance?

I have a job & have paid my car insurance fully each month since I was 16 it was expected of me. I also tend to pay for my motorcycle insurance I have 2 jobs & go to College. I have had 3 speeding tickets 2 in 2008 & one in 2009 2 were around 10MPH over & the 3rd was around 15ish. I have my reasons for speeding regardless drive down the interstate & find more then 3 people that don't speed..SERIOUSLY I HAD PLACES TO BE cops are prejudice. Anyway I want a 02 or newer Motorcycle & state farm is my current provider although I know that are Top Of The Line & I just want the cheapest insurance for motorcycles. I understand my rates will be higher then average but I turn 21 in a year and it can only drop. I just need some Input here. Thank you!

What is the best pet insurance company for my puppy?

I just got  a 2 month old beagle puppy. What insurance company would be the best for my puppy? And what coverage would I really need?

Car insurance for new drivers !?

Ok so Ive spent quite some time googling this but to no real answer ! My question is, what is the cheapest insurance available for a newly passed 18 year old male? From this i mean: What care gives the cheapest quote? What insurer is the cheapest? Of course i know there is no one cheapest insurer/car but a general type of answer would be helpful. like saying what your insurance was at 18 on what car and with what insurer! Thanks very much !""

What is a good insurance plan for some one 49 years?

Single, non smoker. I don't have health insurance and Im gonna need it. I don't know where to start.""

Cheapest car insurance in usa?

im 18. my parents now have a plan in Geico. I was to sign in also in a plan but I think Geico is too expensive. Which car insurance company is the CHEAPEST ( Allstate, 21st etc. ) ? idk if it matters but the place of living is in Virginia.""

What cars are cheap to insure in england?

im 19 and have had my license for 2 years and im looking to buy a car. I want a 4 door car but really don't care what it is as long as it is cheap. So i would like to know if there are any particular cars that are known to have cheaper insurance, thanks.""

Where does the money go that everyone pays for car insurance?

If I pay $100 a month for car insurance for 20 years that's $24,000. I know 5 people in my family who pay approximately that so that's about $120,000. So with everyone who drives pays about that, where does all that money go? To pay for car wrecks? Government? What? (No, I've never had a wreck or used the insurance to pay for anything)""

I am 17 and i am looking for cheap car insurance. does anyone know a good insurer?

I am 17 and i am looking for cheap car insurance. does anyone know a good insurer?

I'm tired of being an agent assistant. What other jobs can i find in the insurance industry?

I have a bachelor in marketing and i've been working as a licensed assistant to an insurance agent. I plan on working here at least another year, but I am interested in learning about other jobs in the industry since our corporate office is nearby. What are some other jobs i can look into? Just looking for ideas, thanks.""

What is the cheapest company for a 17 year Old's car insurance in the UK?

I am 17 and looking around on sites the car insurance is around 2500 but this is too expensive for me, if I was to get car insurance I would probably drive a ford fiesta or something like that.""

Car Insurance costs: How can I tell what my car insurance will be without giving away details...?

I have my provisional, and as soon as I pass I intend on getting a car. I am in the UK, and was wondering if there was a way to see how much car insurance costs. I was looking to see if I could roughly get a car insurance quote without already having a car etc, since I would obviously have to see the insurance price before buying the car. Any contributions to solving this question will be greatly appreciated! I cannot find the answer anywhere! Please do not post comments such as ask around or ask an agent Thanks guys! (:""

USAA car insurance vs. Geico?

My husband is in the army, and he has been using USAA car insurance, and I have been using Geico. I am putting them both on one plan, and Geico is $300 cheaper a year than USAA. But does anyone have any experience of which one is better? He really wants to keep USAA, but I want to save $$ with Geico. I'm just mostly wondering if USAA is worth the extra money. Any help would be appreicated! Thanks! :)""

Car insurance on a third gen camaro?

No idea who im going to for insurance but im19 and have 1speeding ticket on record ive never had insurance and my licensce was suspended for that ticket im trying to get my 1985 camaro on the road but testing the waters first and is there any way to reduce the cost of car insurance

17 year old car insurance quotes help please?

Right i havnt yet passed but my test is soon and i cannot get quoted less than 3000 on a toyota yaris and even a mitza 800cc its crazy if i could get it to 2000 pound i can afford it ive heard of i kube but that was still 3000 just wondering if there were any more companies like that or wether any of you have in the last year or so had any quotes for 2000 or less and with which company can u help me please and no answers like tough its always expensive i know that i just need it at a reasonable price thanks.

How to get young drivers car insurance down?!... HELP :(?

Hey, Im 19 and passed my test in july. Ive finally saved up enough to buy my first car and im looking at buying something around 1000-2000. Only thing im struggling with now is finding affordable car insurance. The cheapest ive been quoted is 2,500 a year, but im hoping to get it cheaper! Anyone any tips on how to get it down? .. would it work out cheaper if i went on my mums policy when she renews it later this month or would that not make any difference. Arggh this is so stressful!""

Insurance in Queens?

I live in Queens, New York (I'm 27). I have a Toyota Camry 1997. I only have liability insurance but for some reason I pay ridiculous insurance - I pay around $330 a month (have ...show more""

Average cost of car insurance ?! 20YO?

I'm a 20 year old female , I'm about to get my own car insurance . What's the average monthly cost for someone my age with just an old beater car?""

Cheapest car insurance for a young driver?

im 20..i own a car. no tickets and no accidents i have had my license for a yr and half where can i find the cheapest car insurance?

What is the best age to buy life insurance?

What is the best age to buy life insurance?

Cheap Car Insurance for a 17 Year old in the UK?

Im a male, i dont want no comparison sites as they are useless i can find sites that will give me good quotes, and please dont tell me to insure a 1.0 - 1.2 litre engine as i have figured out i can insure a 1.9 diesel engine for like 200 more. However i want to know if you know anymore than my current listen i have tried: Tesco llyods Tsb Direct line Virgin Vauxhall Citreon Peugoet If you know anymore can you please tell me thank you""

Where can I get the third party insurance?

I am travelling in New Zealand and I am looking for a temporary third party insurance policy. I am a non resident of New Zealand and was wondering if anyone knows where i can get an insurance policy?

How much is car insurance for 18 year old?

How much would car insurance cost under Allstate in North Carolina for an 18 year old boy? I drive a 2003 Ford Ranger if it helps, I'm a safe driver and do good in school?""

How and where can I get car insurance how much will it cost?

I called rent a wreck and they said in order for me to rent a car I need car insurance?

What happens after you buy car insurance online?

Just curious as I'm planning on buying a years insurance for the first time in my life (I'm 17) from the post office website. Either that or could I pay at my local post office branch? I'm so close to getting my own car and then insuring it seems so simple that every time I think of it I start to physically shake!!! Thanks!

If someone hit my car & insurance says it is totalled will my car be taken from me even if i want to keep it?

My car was hit but is still safe and legal but to fix it is expensive and insurance has decided to call it 'totalled'. I heard that my car will be taken from me and that I will have to pay to get it back out of hock if this is the case. Can someone let me know if this is true? I would like to be able to keep my car!

How much will my insurance go up?

I accidentally backed up into the corner of someones parked car going about 3-4 mph and there were some paint scuffs and a 4-5 inch crack.

Where can I get the best deal for auto insurance?

Currently my wife and I get our insurance through SafeCo. We're both in out mid-30s and have great driving records (mine is perfect). We're paying $188/month ('07 Pilot, '00 Tundra). Any recommendations on where we can get a better rate?""

What is the best pet insurance company for my puppy?

I just got  a 2 month old beagle puppy. What insurance company would be the best for my puppy? And what coverage would I really need?

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/pixley-california-cheap-car-insurance-quotes-zip-93256-robert-porter/"