#my period decides to start AND a migraine develops and because I’m already here that means no pain meds

[yuribalisms]

Feel like death, trying to convince myself it’s okay to leave work even though my anxiety is like “no that’s not allowed”

[bonjour-rainycity]

Double Heart | Chapter Fourteen ~ Haldir

|previous part|

Rating: PG-13

Word count: 1754

Warnings: TW -- mentions of illness

**Read on Ao3 under the user “bonjour_rainycity” if you prefer!**

A/n Can I just say, that I TRULY believe I have some of the best readers in the entire world? Each of you is so kind, so encouraging, and you take time out of your day to read this story!! Thank you, each and every one of you, so, so much! 

Immediately after leaving Cosima’s room, I seek out Baranor. I don’t want to leave her alone and must find a task to calm my mind. Though Cosima sounded sure of her ailment being non-severe, humans are so fragile. What if she were to sway like she did earlier but didn’t have me there to catch her? She could fall to the stone floor and crack her head open.

I freeze. Should I go back?

No. I stop myself. She said she would be fine, I have to respect that. Besides, I sigh, focusing on the bigger picture. I can check on her tomorrow. In the meantime, Baranor might have insight.

It’s still early, only five o’clock or so, and Baranor is exactly where I expect him to be — the healing wards. Like me, his is not prone to taking an extended period without work.

He sees me coming and greets me with a smile, passing along a small jar to another healer clothed in a robe of pale green. “We’re attempting to develop a new salve for burns,” he explains. “What brings you to the healing wards?”

I sigh, suddenly feeling exhausted under the stress of the last twenty minutes. So much could have gone wrong. “Cosima.”

Baranor’s brow furrows in concern and he directs me to what looks to be an extra office loaned to him — it’s already covered in his belongings and notes. He sits in the oversized chair behind the desk, clasping his hands in front of him. “What happened?”

I practically sink into the chair across from him. “We agreed to meet this evening in her room so I could begin to teach her self-defense. She seemed fine when I arrived — her usual personality, bright eyes, didn’t seem tired. One second she was laughing, and the next, gasping in pain. I-I mean, Baranor, you should have seen it.” I gulp at the memory, reliving the moment Cosima’s condition shifted. “All the life left her face and she swayed like she was going to faint. I caught her and sat her on the couch but she pitched forward and nearly vomited. She said she had a headache. When the sickness and pain faded enough for her to open her eyes, she looked absolutely exhausted. She said she wants to rest so I left her room and came straight here.”

Baranor nods, looking calm. “How long did the episode last?”

I concentrate on the memory, though everything in me wants to shy away. “Maybe three minutes?”

Baranor dips his head as if expecting this. “Humans are much more fragile than elves—you know this. If they do not sleep enough or get proper nutrients, they can become susceptible to headaches and mild sicknesses — even stress can have that effect on them. Sometimes headaches can be severe, in which case they are called migraines and usually come with nausea, dizziness, and more intense pain.”

My eyes widen. That’s terrifying. Such normal things that wouldn’t do much to an elf — stress, inadequate sleep, water, food — can incapacitate a human. How much more vulnerable to serious circumstances they must be — injury, for instance.

But Baranor only looks infuriatingly serene. I have to remind myself that he encounters things like this every day, even if he does typically treat ellyn. Mild fluctuations in health do not alarm him because he knows how they are likely to turn out and how to threat a patient if their health declines further.

“I will check on her in the morning after she’s had time to rest, but do not worry, mellon nîn. This is just something that happens to humans from time to time.”

I take a deep breath, leaning against the back of the chair. “Alright. Thank you. I’m sorry to burst in on your work.”

He waves off my apology. But, after a pause, he grimaces.

My stomach sinks. “What?”

He speaks much too slowly for my liking. “I do not want to alarm you, but there’s a chance Elrond might mention something to you or your brothers, and I’d rather you hear it from me so you are not caught off guard.”

I feel my eyes widening and attempt to reign in my expression. “What, Baranor?”

He sighs. “When we first encountered Cosima, she was as good as dead. Her fæ was so far gone, I had to expend serious energy calling her back. I…I had hoped that because she had actually made the choice to wake up that she would acclimate well—make a full recovery. When I dealt with her arm after the attack, I again used the power in my fæ to heal her. I noticed that there is still something…‘off’ in her own fæ.”

I feel my jaw lock. A roaring rushes through my ears. “Off?”

“Yes,” Baranor nods steadily. “Alex’s is the same way. Both the human spirits seem…torn, almost, or wounded. Like I said, ‘off’. I spoke to Elrond and he has agreed to work with them both. He believes their memory loss could related to the injuries in their fæs and, as we heal their memories, their fæs will repair themselves. Our working theory is that the memory loss is so severe it has caused the fæ to forget, almost like the memories were violently cut out of it. I do not know what that means but I think it likely originated when they arrived in this world, possibly before when they somehow transferred from their world to ours — it’s logical to think that had some impact on their fæs.”

I exhale slowly, taking all this information in.

It is alarming, to say the least.

A fæ should not be damaged…it could cause an elf to fade.

But humans are different, I reason. The health of their spirits isn’t tied to their longevity. Well — I have to correct myself. Maybe it is and humans just don’t live long enough to know for sure. I try to turn my focus back to Baranor — these worrisome thoughts are not helpful. “Do you believe this poses a threat to them?”

Baranor grimaces. “I cannot say for sure, but my instinct is that it’s not as long as they receive proper care — almost a physical therapy of sort, but for their fæs. Again, I would not have bothered you with this if I didn’t think Elrond might bring it up.”

I set him with a stern look. “Any information about the health of those in my care is of concern to me. I ask that you keep me updated.”

He bows his head. “Of course.”

I stand, feeling like I need sleep but knowing my mind is racing too much to do so. I say farewell to my friend and catch an attendant on the way to my room, requesting that dinner be sent to my chambers. I don’t feel like eating in the company of the hall. Part of me wonders if I should have the attendant take food to Cosima, just in case she’s decided she’s hungry, but I remind myself that she is perfectly capable of requesting her own dinner. If she wishes to eat, she can arrange it.

That doesn’t stop me from tucking away a banana and some bread just in case she hasn’t eaten by the time I visit her tomorrow. Proper nutrients, enough rest, sufficient hydration, and low stress.

Right as I cut into dinner, Rumil swaggers in with a plate of his own. He snorts, joining me at the small table. “Great minds, huh?” He leans towards me, furrowing his brow and studying me more intently. “Are you alright? You look pale.”

I roll my eyes, trying to cover my anxiety. “I’m always pale.”

Rumil huffs. “Come on, what’s bothering you?”

I sigh. Rumil is probably going to hear it from Elrond or Baranor anyway, so I may as well tell him. I start from the beginning. “I visited Cosima this evening.” Rumil sits back in his chair, a strange look in his eye. Could he already know? How? “I meant to teach her to defend herself, but not long after I arrived, she—she just got sick. Within a moment’s difference, she was nearly collapsed on the floor.” I shake my head against the memories but dutifully recount the full story to my brother, including Baranor’s observations and theory.

By the end, Rumil slumps in his seat, staring over my shoulder with a distant look in his eye. He’s silent for a long time.

“Haldir I…I owe you an apology. Cosima, too, though I don’t think she’d understand why.”

I furrow my eyebrows. What could he be sorry for?

“I’ve been teasing you both lately and have been encouraging your feelings for each other. It was wrong of me — I didn’t consider her mortality and what pursing a relationship with her would mean. I won’t do it anymore, I promise. Can you forgive me?”

I blink. What? “I don’t have feelings for her.”

Rumil sets me with a dubious look. “I’m your brother, you can be honest with me.”

“I don’t have feelings for her,” I repeat, more forcefully this time. Rumil’s being ridiculous. And the youngest of my brothers — his age is showing.

He huffs, looking to the ceiling as if to request strength from the Valar. “Are you really so unaware of yourself? Of her?” At my look of annoyance, he groans, seeming like he wants to push it. I set my shoulders, making it clear that we will be discussing this no further.

Finally, Rumil shakes his head, turning his gaze to his meal. “Fine, I am sorry, I can see I’ve overstepped my bounds. Forget it.”

I return to my food, watching my brother warily. His shoulders sag and he looks almost…scared. His distress is apparent, even if his accusations are baseless. He brings his eyes back to mine and the grief there causes me to freeze. What is going on with my brother?

“But Haldir…Be careful. She will be dead long before this age is done, and that is if she chooses to stay in this world.”

My fork falls to my plate.

A hollow, aching feeling makes my chest feel tight.

I don’t even know what to say to that.

Rumil stands and places a hand on my shoulder, squeezing briefly. Then, he makes for the exit. “I will leave you to your thoughts.”

And then he closes the door behind him and I am indeed alone with these terrifying thoughts.

A/n This one is shorter than the others I’ve posted, but I feel like it’s kinda dense and it was a good place to leave off. Thanks for reading! Likes, comments, and reblogs make my day! Also, if you have any thoughts/theories, I would love to know those! @eru-vande sent me one the other day and it was really fun!

|next part|

|masterlist|

Tolkien tag list: @anangelwhodidntfall @eru-vande

Haldir tag list: @tolkien-apologist

Double Heart tag list: @lainphotography @themerriweathermage @thophil2941btw @kenobiguacamole @wishingtobeinadifferentuniverse @from-patroclus-with-love @boywivlove @ordinarymom1 @my-darling-haldir @sweet-bea-blossom @moony-artnstuff

[magneticmage]

I'm in the mood for it (plus it's Disability Pride month) so here are all my disabled ocs;

Under cut for Length

Additional Notes; Please do not judge me too harshly. While I have a few of these disabilities (most notably PTSD, anxiety-depression, and visual impairments) myself and personally know people who have some others, every person and their experiences are unique. I try my best to give these disabilities the space and gravity they deserve in my writing, but it is difficult for ones that I have no personal experience with. In addition, I am still learning and only human. If I have done something wrong or phrased something badly at any point now or in the future, let me know and I will do my best to fix it/do better. Apologies for the abrupt disclaimer but there we go.

Anyways!!!!

On the the List!

RWBY;

Selene Argent=Has PTSD, one prosthetic eye, and some physical scars on face and torso. I'd safely say she counts.

Baldur's Gate;

Sable Shades=Is an albino and was rendered mute at birth. He sunburns extremely easily and is near-sighted. He also often communicates through sign language.

Roan Roarke=Beyond some minor PTSD symptoms (increased anxiety and stress levels) surrounding fires, he's perfectly fine.

Faenerys Elendir=Has PTSD from her time imprisoned particular involving whips and brands as torture implements.

Rune Mistsea=Post-lycanthropy encounter, he is notably more short-tempered around the full moon along with a distinct craving for meat and violence. Otherwise, nothing else of note.

Lucine Mistsea=Beyond a notable paranoia issue when it comes to demons and cambions (but not fellow tieflings), she's fine.

Lyr(e/a/an) Lovemoor=Autistic. Too much light and noise and surrounding activity is draining and makes them short-tempered with occasional blowouts/meltdowns. Has a Thing about certain textures (very much hates slimes and oozes and squishy things for this reason, likes silks and furs and leathers). Has a fascination for all things shiny and glittery (gems and currencies are a special interest). Also often fidgets with their daggers.

Saga Musehart=Was rendered blind due to torture at the hands of prison guards. She also lost a hand (initially) and a forearm (later due to infection) and wears a prosthesis.

Cei Gloomdraft=Autistic or at least neurodivergent of some kind. Might have some ADHD, it's not quite clear yet in the few pieces I've written so far to help develop her.

Mass Effect;

(Solo Shepard Canon)

Annette Shepard=Has some lingering PTSD symptoms from surviving a raid on Mindoir, then thresher maws in Akuze, and then being spaced at the beginning in Mass Effect 2. She also suffers from some survivor's guilt Post-Virmire due to losing Ashley, and then all of Mass Effect 3 puts such a huge burden on her that she's fighting off some severe depression and despair from all the losses. She's got an old war injury in her shoulder that acts up from time to time, occasionally making her biotics misfire a barrier. She's on immuno-suppressant drugs to prevent her body from rejecting her Cerberus-added cybernetic implants and upgrades, and also some antidepressants for depression and anxiety symptoms for said lingering PTSD symptoms. Girl's a walking disaster-fire mentally but she keeps on surviving and she still looks for the good in life as it comes, so there's that.

(Shepard Siblings)

Joanna=Like Roscoe and Riley, she's also on immuno-suppressants to prevent cybernetic implant rejection. Notably, she's the most well-adjusted of the three mentally, although the losses and struggles of ME 3 start to take their toll due to depression. She spends an awkward month on the Normandy adjusting to the new medication while adjusting the amounts needed. In addition, she also goes through a whole existential crisis come the Citadel DLC about if she is really Joanna Shepard or a clone (which Riley, Roscoe, and the Normandy crew snap her out of). Her survivor's guilt is much less pronounced than Riley's though she does start the early stages of a martyr complex (it's a source of frequent and well-humored debate between Riley and Roscoe if it was already there or not) about the of Thane's death. But she does her best and keeps on going.

Roscoe=Definitely mentally ill. He's got some trauma around abandonment that starts to get fully addressed around ME 2 in part due to Jack and Miranda and is mostly resolved around ME 3 though naturally scars remain. It often manifests as anger, depression, and even callousness. Like Joanna's and Riley, he is on immuno-suppressants to prevent the potential rejection of his cybernetics. He's also got an old wound from Torfan in his abdomen that acts up under stronger pressures like before a rainstorm or different gravity levels as well as drastic temperature changes such as cold (he HATES Noveria for that reason in particular though it isn't the only one, man). Beyond all that, he's very strong-willed and gives no fucks to shit.

Riley=Much like Annette except a bit more well-adjusted due to a larger support network and character drive. Has notable flashbacks/triggers around batarians, thresher maws (this one includes panic attacks once the direct danger has passed), and hardsuit complications (they always makes sure that their helmet and everything is in working and optimal order). Has survivor's guilt from their losses on Mindoir and Akuze but between meeting Talitha and Toombs in ME 1, they confront and deal with it, beginning to heal from it. Even on Virmire with the loss of Honora and all the failures of ME 3, they do better at handling it though it still remains to varying degrees. Like Joanna's and Roscoe (and Annette again), they're on immuno-suppressant drugs to prevent issues with their body rejecting the cybernetics, with the additional ones of antidepressants to help manage some of their anxiety-depression symptoms. They also have some degree of chronic pain (maybe some kind of cystic fibrosis?) due to past overuse of their biotics that damaged part of their nervous system and occasionally causes it to misfire for no reason, often causing intense pain. Rarely and only if the pain isn't treated with extensive biotics-free rest periods and numbing agents in the form of more pills, the biotics will manifest and they'll accidentally move shit around, including themself a few times. This is most notable in ME 3 due to the nature of the larger and longer combat sequences with shorter and shorter rest times between. Though they manage as best they can with the help of their crew and family, it is still a struggle and they notably stop joking about retiring when they're dead and seem to consider it more seriously around ME 3 but save the final decision for the end of the Reaper Wars.

(Shepard Family)

Honora Hartford=She had an eating disorder when she was younger that left some lingering issues with her health but overall she's fine up until her death.

Riley's deceased siblings were overall healthy though Payton had Down's Syndrome and Brooklyn had ADHD. Harley had moderate asthma and used an inhaler.

Clover has anemia quite often and takes iron pills daily

The rest of the Shepard cousins don't have any disabilities to much knowledge though I am still fleshing them out.

(Andromeda)

Sara and Scott Ryder have some lingering damage from their cryopod accident and the Kett leader fucking with them, but otherwise they are okay.

Asher has ADHD while Shiloh struggles with a mild form of chronic fatigue. Evander, Rebecca, and Lucas are all able-bodied.

Dragon Age;

(Fereldan Wardens)

Lynera Mahariel=Dunno if this counts, but am putting it here anyways since it affects her overall health. Occasionally suffers from a type of sleep paralysis that is mixed with night-terrors. It doesn't appear to have a rhyme or reason as to when it occurs beyond perhaps stress and it's only every few months. However, it often leaves her completely drained for at least a week afterwards. She also occasionally has insomnia post-terrors as well which she self-medicates with sleeping draughts. She also has crippling period pains that appear to be consistent with ovarian cysts on her left side (though she later has it removed by Catriona once it ruptures due to injury). She also suffers from bouts of depression during Origins but that could be due to the extenuating circumstances she was under at the time.

Isemaya Tabris=When overly stressed, being exposed to strong amounts of concentrated Taint in a short period of time, or sometimes simply for no apparent reason, she suffers from intense migraines that are often treated with herbal painkillers and lying still in a dark and quiet room. Also due to a past injury to her left eye by humans, she has a harder time seeing on that side but is not completely blind.

Catriona Surana=She seems to be autistic due to her ability and predilection to hyperfocus on various studies (often Blight and magic-related but other areas do occur) as well as her obliviousness to social cues (she didn't realize she was liked by her suitors until Cale outright told her and by then she had decided she liked them already). Notably, she adapts a bit better Post-Origins due to Alistair and Leliana's influences but it still happens.

Cale Amell=Had some minor amnesia surrounding the exact events leading to his magic manifestation but later learned it was because he had set his eldest brother Azul on fire and believed he killed him as Raven helpfully supplied (Azul had instead faked his death as Cale discovers around the time of Awakening).

Fion Cousland=Briefly suffers from a minor alcohol addiction but has treatment while he is still in the functional phase courtesy of Catriona. Since then, he heavily monitors his intake and even helps Oghren get treatment for his own. He also occasionally has painful muscle twinges due to an injury that stretches from his temple to his eye and ear down to his neck on the right side. This is most notable in bad weather or when he is sick.

Barran Aeducan=Suffered from a superiority-inferiority complex towards his siblings growing up though it has greatly lessened with time and experience. It is mostly gone by the time of Inquisition though prominent traces still remain.

Tatha Brosca=She is hard of hearing and has manged to cope by learning to lip-read (not always successful, however, especially with languages she is not familiar with) in Origins and a pair of hearing "horns" designed for her by an admiring Smith caste man by Awakening. She often jokes that now she has even more in common with her Bronto companion, Salroka, due to their shared horns.

(Origins)

Vireth Mahariel=Suffers from epilepsy and often treats it with various herbal remedies, though it is not completely effective and large amounts of intense stress on his body make it worse. He also begins to develop cataracts around the time of Act 2 of Dragon Age 2, though the cause is unknown (presumed genetics or simply age at the moment).

Elthorn Tabris=Has a stutter speech impediment.

Alaros Surana=Unknown at the moment as I haven't written too much about him.

The Amell Siblings=Probably doesn't count but Azul gets motion sickness, especially on boats. Raven, Carmine, and Reed are all perfectly healthy and fine, however the latter two are the ones I've written least at the moment. Marigold has asthma that she treats with herbs.

Aelynne Cousland=Nothing comes to mind. She does have some old injuries (mentally and physically) she acquired from the attack on Highever by Arl Howe that color her later interactions with the family during the Fereldan Civil War.

Valda Aeducan=Has a notable visual impairment that is corrected with glasses, albeit there is nothing to be done for her slight colorblindness (she has a hard type distinguishing between greys, greens, and blues).

(Orlesian Wardens)

Dion Caron=Suffers from sleep apnea that is eased by a special breathing herbal-incense infused mask he wears as well as whomever in his group is on watch to check on him periodically to ensure he still breathes (most often this is either Victoire-Ainsley or Garam). He also snores and coughs due to this. Loudly.

Victoire-Ainsley Caron=Nothing of note.

Isenna Andras=She's an albino and so burns and rashes in intense light and heat. She also has a lame leg that cannot be fixed with magic and so wears a reinforced brace to aid her walk. This creates a noticeable limp.

Garam Kader=Alcohol makes him sick and he suffered from intense gender dysphoria before paying a huge sum to have an ex-Tevinter magister turned fellow Warden help him transition.

(Hawkes)

Jasper, Skye, and Violet Hawke are perfectly healthy. Albeit with some diet restrictions due to various allergies.

Gray Hawke=He is diabetic and so often has to monitor his energy levels to ensure his health. It's part of the reason he doesn't actively endanger his life like his siblings (not that he won't, just less often in comparison). He acquires a truly impressive diet regime and treatment plan upon becoming a nobleman of the Amell family, allowing him much more freedom than before.

(Marquises)

Aurore and Marcel de Serault both suffer from mild hemophilia. Marcel also has a lyrium drug addiction he is trying to break (and is actually doing quite well via weaning himself off it) due to a brief stint as a Templar while serving the Chantry.

(Inquisitors)

Armashok Adaar=Poor eyesight that cannot be fully corrected by glasses and later loses an arm due to the Anchor. He also lost a few fingers and some right hand mobility due to pre-nquisition injuries as a mercenary. He also wears a brace on his left shoulder. He wears a prosthetic eye and replacement arm.

Ransley Trevelyan=Like Cullen, he is working on breaking his own lyrium addiction from his time as a Templar and, like the other Inquisitors, loses his arm due to the Anchor. He had it replaced with a prosthetic arm for his shield side.

Paeriel Lavellan=She loses an arm alongside all the other Inquisitors, but takes the loss much harsher due to her archery skills suffering. While she will wear a prosthesis in battle or when hunting, she doesn't wear it in her day-to-day life, instead preferring to make due as needed. She also has anxiety.

Naranka Cadash=She loses her Anchor-wielding arm and gains a crossbow-and-dagger prosthetic one courtesy of her Inner Circle, much to her delight. She also suffers from some damage to her reproductive tract due to past injuries and is uncertain if she could have children.

(Inner Circle)

Kara Adaar=Beyond an intense hatred of slavery due to being kidnapped and almost sold when she was younger before being rescued by her father, she's perfectly healthy. She does require bedrest for her periods though.

Emilyse Trevelyan=She suffers from some PTSD from her abuse at Templar hands in the Circle, though she begins to recover towards the end of Inquisition.

Samrel Lavellan=Has dyslexia and uses reading aids and memory devices.

Pyrmar Cadash=He might have some PTSD from his Carta days due to a notable cave-in that lasted for a few days before his rescue.

[cinnaminsvga]

🌀 social media au where namjoon is the head of research and development for the korean intelligence and he has to protect an innocent civilian from a mafia attack –– except that he’s got the wrong person 🌀

A/N: The last two (three?) updates for this series will mainly be in prose, mostly because I didn’t know how else to convey the Scenes™️ in text form without it being weird... Anyway. Here’s this! || W.C. 2.6K

prev // part 23 // next links added later.

[updates every mwf + sat/sun at 12PM PST]

When you finally regain your consciousness, it takes a moment for your eyes to adjust to their surroundings. The cold cement underneath your body is unfamiliar and disconcerting, helping you snap out of your dizziness long enough to realize that you had no idea where you were.

“Fuck.” Panic seizes you as you stare at the concrete cell you find yourself in. There is nothing inside the small room except yourself, some empty wooden shelves, and a metal door to your right, though you imagine that this room might have been used as a supply closet at one point. That doesn’t help you understand where you are, however.

“I was… at home? And then… I was texting Mafia Man and... oh fuck. The mole. Hoseok!” You exclaim, scrambling to your feet before falling face flat once more onto the floor. “What the hell..?” You see that you had tripped over the ropes that were binding you, as it seems that the ones near your legs had untangled somewhat.

After a bit of fidgeting and clawing at the rope, you manage to free yourself with only a small rope burn by your thigh. Whoever had tied you up must not have had much experience with tying people up, but luckily for you… Well, let’s just say being a horny weeb has its perks in times like this.

Unfortunately, your captors had remembered to lock the door, and no matter how hard you slammed your body against it, it didn’t look like it was anywhere near buckling down. “Let me out!” you scream, despite how futile and stupid it is. You continue to bang your fists against the metal regardless. “Once I get out of here, you guys are gonna get absolutely fucked by my yakuza boyfriend!”

No response. Either your guard was scared of the prospect of your (not) imaginary boyfriend, or they had left you alone without a guard. Frankly, you’re more offended if the latter is true because that means these mafia assholes were certain that you wouldn’t make it out on your own anyway.

“Well, it’s true but they still shouldn’t do that,” you mutter angrily to yourself, sliding down to the floor and hugging your knees to your chest. Well, guess you should start getting comfortable if this is going to be the way you’ll live for the rest of your short lifespan.

“Let’s hope Mister Mafia-Slash-FBI Man figures out I’m gone and comes to rescue me,” you say, though the dejected tone of your voice makes it all apparent that you hold no faith in those group of bumbling idiots. “They didn’t even know they had a mole in their presence! I’m gonna fucking die all because of stupid FBI man…”

At the very least, if you make it alive… FBI Man definitely owes you, and you already know what you want in return. “Hot yakuza boyfriend… wait for me,” you sigh dreamily to yourself, closing your eyes as you wait for whatever your future will bring.

“I don’t get paid enough for this,” Namjoon growls lowly to himself, the beginnings of a migraine starting to form. He had just turned off his phone to keep it from ringing, just in case Jungkook doesn’t listen to him and tries to call him and consequently give away his cover. “I can’t believe I’m saving this stupid weeb dumbass. I could die. Or worse, I could lose my job! Fuck!”

Namjoon would have loved to recite a litany of curses for a longer period of time, but the sound of footsteps from behind the abandoned warehouse walls causes him to clamp his mouth shut. He can feel his heart jump to his throat as he strains his ears to hear the conversations of the men behind the walls, trying to pinpoint the recognizable voice of the man he thought that he could trust.

“Did you see that girl that Hoseok brought in to the compound? She looked like a piece of work.” A rugged voice laughs, his deep timbre reverberating even through the walls. “Wonder why he would go through so many lengths to capture her.”

“Maybe Hoseok just likes his women like her,” another voice replies. They sound like they’re getting closer to where Namjoon is standing, and he hopes that they don’t suddenly decide to open or close the door that someone had left ajar. “Bit of a surprise really. Didn’t think he even swung that way.”

“I guess he just didn’t like the girls up in the clubs we go to. Either that, or I didn’t think he was interested in that sorta thing. He looks pretty young, probably the same age as my lil bro. It’s a wonder why he even joined the gang in the first place,” the first man says, and Namjoon can’t help but wonder the same thing. “He’s a real weirdo, that one. A great spy for us, though.”

“I know! Can you believe he got through the resident genius of Korean Intelligence? What was his name again? Kim Namboob or something?” Namjoon almost whines at that, having to shove a fist into his mouth to keep himself from yelling at that rude piece of scum. Namboob! He didn’t graduate university at the tender age of 10 to be scorned like this!

Another pair of footsteps sound like they’re coming closer as well. “You guys talkin’ about me?” The new intruder giggles, and Namjoon feels the hairs on the back of his neck stand up in attention.

It’s Hoseok.

“Not at all, kid. Though, now that you’re here, we wanted to ask how your little whore is doin’. You gonna keep her all to yourself or are ya sharing her with the rest of us?” The two men laugh loudly at that. Namjoon grits his teeth in anger, wanting nothing more than to burst through the doors and punch them right where it hurts (though he imagines his limited upper body strength would only cause his fist to break in the aftermath). As much as he thought you were an annoying piece of shit, no one deserved to be spoken about like that.

And it sounds like Hoseok agrees. “Fellas, I’d really appreciate it if you don’t make jokes like that. Ever. These people might be our hostages, but they’re still people. We’re living in 2019, for fuck’s sake.”

The gruffer man snorts. “Geez, kid. Learn to take a joke. Ain’t none of us touching her, anyway. She looks like one of those crazy bitches who spurts their gurts for 2D guys or something.”

Though Hoseok doesn’t reply to that, Namjoon nods his head in agreement. Oh, how right he was.

“Anyway, we’re heading out. Boss says you can keep your girlie in there for another two days, but then you’re gonna have to deal with her after. He’s getting pissed since the feds won’t give up the ransom money for that Halsey girl, so you better not get on his bad side today.”

“Right. See you boys around,” Hoseok says, and it takes a second for Namjoon to scramble away from his position and hide behind a lone metal barrel. He makes it just in time as the two men exit the warehouse, the glint of their guns visible even in the moonlight.

Close one, Namjoon thinks, breathing hard as the adrenaline in his veins refuses to die down. Now’s his chance to sneak in and follow Hoseok to where you were likely being held captive!

He waits for Hoseok to walk away first before poking his head through the door, trying to keep his movements as silent as possible (a feat in itself, as his limbs tended to have a mind of their own sometimes.) He sees Hoseok turn the corner, and Namjoon hastens to follow him, carrying his footsteps while also trying to keep up with the traitor’s quick pace.

They walk through a few corridors, passing a few rooms that Namjoon is itching to investigate, but he focuses himself on the task at hand. Get Y/N, make sure she’s okay, then leave. Anything else other than that can be handled by the Six once they arrive. He wonders if he should make a detour and try to find Halsey as well, but it sounds like from Hoseok’s conversation a while ago that she would be more heavily guarded, so he swallows down his guilt and trudges on towards the lesser important hostage. (You suddenly sneeze in the distance.)

When Hoseok stops right in front of what looks like a supply closet, Namjoon has to skitter to a halt, holding his breath and hoping that Hoseok hadn’t heard the squeak of his shoes. Lucky for him, Hoseok seems none the wiser as he pats his pockets for the keys to your makeshift holding cell, opening the door wide open and revealing your prone form on the floor—

“YOU FUCKING BITCH!” Your sudden shout causes Hoseok to flinch back in shock. In a flash, you stand up with your hands raised, landing a punch against Hoseok’s left cheek that left him groaning in pain. “What the fuck!” you screech, clutching your fist in pain. “Damn you ikemen boys and your sharp jawlines! You fucking hurt my hand!”

If Namjoon was in an anime, he’s sure there would be one of those cartoon sweatdrops illustrated just above his head right now.

But Hoseok was quick to recover; he grabs you in a chokehold, subduing you to the floor with a grunt. “Please, don’t make this any more troublesome than it has to,” he murmurs, forcing your face onto the dirty concrete. “I’m so sorry, Y/N. I really don’t want to hurt you but I can’t let you run off just yet.”

As Namjoon watches you struggle against Hoseok’s hold, he feels searing anger and protectiveness suddenly surge through him in waves. How dare that fucker touch you like that! Are we in some sexist BDSM Wattpad fanfiction or something? Hell no! It is that overwhelming wrath that causes Namjoon to jump out of hiding, wrenching you free of Hoseok’s grip with a strength he did not know he possessed.

“Y/N! Are you alright?” Namjoon huffs, struggling to keep Hoseok in place. When Hoseok realizes who it is, he stops squirming. Namjoon ignores him for now, accessing you for injuries. “They didn’t do anything bad to you, did they?”

“Who the fuck?” You splutter, your eyes bugging out of their sockets. You stare at Namjoon, unmoving for what feels like hours. Namjoon still has to latch onto Hoseok to keep him from lunging at you again, though he seems just as perplexed by Namjoon’s sudden appearance as you were.

“Namjoon?” Hoseok tries to twist himself to face him, jaw agape. “What the..? You never do fieldwork! What are you doing here?”

Meanwhile, you were over there like, “Huh? Hughhdfh? HHSHJFHDF?” Truly a person of many talents, you were somehow able to verbalize a keysmash in real life. “HHSFFJKFSKFS?”

“Isn’t it obvious? I’m here to turn you in and save Y/N, you filthy traitor,” Namjoon growls, surprising everyone with how menacing his voice had gotten. “I can’t believe you fucking drugged our teammates! You betrayed all of us when we had accepted you like you were family!”

“I know, okay? Believe me, I fucking know,” Hoseok sighs, shoulders sagging. “If there was any other way, I would’ve—“

“YAKUZA BOYFRIEND?” You scream, interrupting the heated conversation in front of you. You have your hands splayed dramatically across your chest, the expression on your face comical. You raise a trembling finger towards Namjoon, pointing almost accusatorially at him. “You’re the dude from the picture! Hot yakuza dude! What the fuck? Am I dreaming? Is this some twisted joke, or am I having a wet dream again?” You pinch yourself. “Ouch! Nope, I’m not fucking dreaming.”

“Y/N, I can explain later, but we have to get out of here,” Namjoon starts, but Hoseok takes this as his chance to escape Namjoon when he feels his grip loosen slightly. Hoseok elbows him straight in the sternum, stealing Namjoon’s breath and knocking him down to the floor. He goes to grab you again, holding his arm around your neck and facing the two of you towards Namjoon. Then, you feel a hard cool metal object pressed above your right ear.

“Don’t you dare move, Joonie,” Hoseok warns, holding you tighter. You whimper pathetically, going stock still as fear encompasses you whole. Oh shit, you forgot that you weren’t an anime heroine for a moment there. Namjoon goes still as well, hands raised mid-air as he stares pointedly at the gun placed by your head.

“Hoseok, don’t do this,” Namjoon says as calmly as he can. He can feel his heart hammering against his chest, and his vision is beginning to swim from the nerves. This is where his lack of fieldwork training is made apparent, and he’s never regretted skipping out on PE more than he did right now. “Let’s not get hasty here…”

He doesn’t falter. “Leave, then. If you don’t want to see Y/N hurt, then it’s best you stay far away from here. Call off back-up as well. I don’t want any fighting going on tonight.”

Namjoon grits his teeth. “You know I can’t do that.”

You gasp when you hear the sound of the gun clicking. “Joonie, I’m asking very nicely,” Hoseok says, calm. “Is this girl really worth risking your life over? You and I both know that I can easily kill the both of you. Why don’t we keep the casualty count as low as possible and go on our merry way.”

“Yeah?” Namjoon feels himself laugh, but he doesn’t quite know what’s funny. He’s running on pure adrenaline right now, trying his best to stall for as long as possible. Any minute now, back-up should come… If he knows Jungkook at all, he’ll have tracked his phone even after he had told the younger to leave him be, so at the very least he can rely on him arriving. But the only question remains is… when? Hurry, Jungkook.

“How can I be so sure that you won’t just kill Y/N and I once I turn my back, huh? I know I’m an idiot when it comes to real-life battles, but even I’m not that naive.”

“I swear on my life,” Hoseok says. His gaze is stoic, but there is a fire burning behind them. “I swear on my father’s grave.”

Namjoon stops, hanging onto Hoseok’s words. His father… If he remembers Hoseok’s personal file correctly, he knows that Hoseok’s father had died at the hands of loan sharks. Was that why Hoseok was working with the mafia? To pay back his debt? Or to exact revenge?

“Hoseok… Is that why?” Namjoon mutters to himself, posture slackening. He feels the flames of guilt licking up and down his spine. Hoseok watches him curiously, though his grasp on you doesn’t wane.

“Why what?”

“Your father… He’s the reason you’re with the mafia, aren’t you?”

Hoseok’s face gives it all away. As much as he is a spy, he’s still an expressive type of guy, especially when it came to his family. His mouth crumples into a ㅅ shape immediately. “Namjoon. Please, just leave, alright? I’ll take care of Y/N. Even though it seems like I’ve betrayed you, just… Just trust me, okay? I don’t go around betraying family unless there’s a reason.”

Namjoon hesitates. He feels his guard slowly falling, despite knowing that this could just be another trick Hoseok is employing to dig up his weak sentimental side. Curse me and my stupid empathetic heart! he thinks disappointedly to himself. 

Just as Namjoon is about to make a decision, the three of you are surprised when you hear the telltale sound of another gun clicking behind you. From the shadows, another figure appears.

“Freeze. Nobody fucking move.”

Then, you scream.

[the314anoman]

2018 sucked

it was probably the shittiest year of my life, and that’s not an easy title to claim. let’s recap:

it all started way back in early january, when our subway came under new ownership and we got a new manager, who had worked there for a shorter period than i had (yeah, i was part-time working during college, she was full-time, but w/e) and it all went downhill fast. our manager wasn’t bad, she just was just trying to deal with all the new regulations we were facing and the fact that we were Massively Understaffed™ for being located in a fucking mall. like, for contrast, our old managers let us get away with not turning the line coolers off at night if we were really busy, but under the new owners, we had to clean the legs of tables to get the salt of them. i decided to quit in march after having minors stay and help me close even though they were off the clock since they were required to punch out at 9:30 and still getting yelled at for staying too long and not making everything Perfect. it was so stressful trying to work both faster and harder, so i quit. then, college got out in april and i was looking for internships all over and applying everywhere, but i never got even so much as an interview request. so, june came and i just said “fuck it” and applied to other subways closer to home. ended up getting an interview the next day at a different subway, 2 miles from the old one. i got the job and starting working to find out the subway was also Massively Understaffed™ but the manager was more chill, so it seemed fine. turns out the reason the manager was chill is that he was high. like, all the time. this resulted in him having the memory of a goldfish. like, i specifically told him and his assistant manager that i couldn’t work one day and yet he still called asking where i was when i very plainly explained it twice. and he also scheduled a meeting on the day i request off for my niece’s baptism. at 8am. on a sunday. at the same time, i managed to get an interview at a local factory. it wasn’t really an internship nor in my field, but it was a job and it paid $12/hr so i was like, hell yeah, why not. i managed to get the job and started july 1st, which was great, buuuuuut... the job was super boring; it was pretty much doing the same repetitive tasks over and over again for 7.5 hours a day while ~~listening~~ being subjected to country music. BUT, we got 3 breaks a day and it was nice having a chill job. i came up with a lot of really good writing ideas for a novel that’s been a super long wip because my mind was mostly free during work since it was so repetitive. at this time, i’m still working at subway, mostly weekends and some 5-close shifts. i’m not getting a whole lot of sleep and so that probably explains what happens on july 25th, probably the single shittiest day of my life. i get into the factory and the normal manager is gone on vacation and one of my coworkers is taking over. she tells me that i’ve been missing the least important step in the process of making some parts that i’ve been doing for days now. so naturally, i mess it up a couple more times, but only when she’s watching, because ofc. this happens 3 times and the third time i kind of chuckle to myself because i’m literally only doing it when she’s watching. she takes this to mean i’m laughing at her and yells at me about how i think it’s a joke and blah blah blah, like that’s not what i meant at all but she won’t let me explain. THEN, i get out of work and i’m already on the verge of tears because i have a migraine from lack of sleep and i hate getting yelled at, and i see a text i got while at work (we’re not allowed phones on our person at all at the factory. national security stuff apparently) that my grandma is in the hospital and not going to make it. i just... lose it. i go home and just sit outside on a chair, cuddling my cat and gross sobbing for the first time i can recall. i’m supposed to work a 5-9 shift at subway tonight, but i am not in any state to work. i call them through tears saying i can’t work tonight, i’m visiting my grandma in the hospital in muskegon, an hour away. she’s unconscious when i get there. she dies an hour later, while me and my family are eating dinner downstairs in the basement where there’s no signal. eventually tomorrow comes. it’s now july 26th, which if you know me, is my birthday. my 21st birthday, in fact. you know how for most people, their 21st is the best day of your life? yeah, it was one of the worst for me. i still had to get up at 6am for the factory work, then run home, get changed, and work 5-9 at subway. the only bright spot were two helpful coworkers. one from the factory gave me a butterscotch shot, saying you should still try and enjoy your birthday and my subway coworker bought a hershey pie for me and gave me a hug and some helpful advice. (she had been through a similar experience with her mom passing, so she knew a lot about grief.) i took her advice on letting yourself be happy and decided to go to my friends’ meetup that weekend, which i had requested off from subway previously. it’s a while away, but this was planned a long time ago and i don’t get to see my college friends in the summer other than this, so i’m not missing this. but, when i’m almost there i get a call from subway insisting that i work this weekend to make up for missing my 4 hour shift yesterday. i’m furious because i missed it for legitimate reasons and i was already over 2 hours away and i was NOT driving back. (the reason they’re insisting is because they don’t want to pay my coworker overtime, despite the fact she’s living in a trailer park only off her subway income, too.) they say they might have to fire me and i’m like, sure, i have another job and i already put in my 2 weeks lol. so i go there and try to forget this whole week ever happened. the funeral is on monday, the factory gives me it off so i can attend. there’s lots of tears. lots and lots. my grandma touched a lot of people’s lives; she’s one of the kindest people i’ve ever known. she probably would have supported my sexuality if i ever told her, i regret not doing so earlier. i come back to my factory job on tuesday, and as if the universe is answering some unanswered “could things get any worse?” the hiring manager informs me i’m fired, as if it had to be july 31st, to add to the shithole that july 2018 was. this was a temp position to begin with, and i was leaving in a couple weeks anyway, but this is just another blow to an already grieving 21-year-old. i may have just lost both my jobs and my grandmother in the span of 7 days. i leave the factory and get in my car and just. scream. time passes. the pain of july slowly fades from a roaring inferno all over my body to a dull pulsing. good things start to happen again. i move into an apartment with 3 friends, get a job at the theatre after a lot of paperwork issues, i make the cut for an a capella group and find new friends, develop a crush on someone (something i haven’t really had since high school - but that’s a story for another time), and actually start getting my shit together. things are definitely looking up, despite the fact i had the worst month of life a couple months ago. ...and then comes december, as if it’s trying to challenge july to a battle for shittiest month ever. final exams are coming up, i spend a lot of the previous week leading up to exams rehearsing for performances (i had 4 performances in a week’s span), not much studying could be done. not that studying would help that much, as we would see, but w/e. i ended up forgetting my book with all the important formulas and relationships in it that are too complex to memorize, so i completely bombed that final, and therefore failed the whole class. i’m already having to take an extra semester, failing this class does NOT help. i barely stayed above a 3.0 gpa, a requirement for most internships. on the same day we got final grades back, my mom got a call saying my grandpa had died, only a week before christmas. my whole family went back up to do the whole funeral thing again. we are getting awfully familiar with this nursing home (my mom lost both her parents and an uncle in 5 months). finally, on new year’s eve i decide it’s either now or never to admit my feelings, so i ask my crush out. i get rejected, which is mostly what i expected, but it still knocks the wind out of me. so yeah, 2018 was super extra shitty for me. but at the same time, i feel like i’ve grown a lot as a person. i’ve made a bunch of new friends, gained a niece, learned a lot about pain, and done a lot of things i never thought i’d do. hell, i had the balls to ask a guy out, which was something that frightened me to my core. i went on a trip to dc and learned more about the injustices happening here, i went camping/hiking with friends, and went tubing behind a boat. so, i’m not gonna pretend it’s all bad.

[itsgoldenow]

I’m quitting the pill

This week i decided i’m stopping taking the pill. I can’t take it anymore. I tried to quit back in July, 2017 but i came to taking it after 2 months cuz i couldn’t handle the mess that i became without it. I had severe acne and i felt i was going crazy. Constantly sad, crying all the time, being angry at the most silly things. 

But i never adjusted with the pill. I first started taking it in June 2012, i think. Since the first day i took it, i started feeling really bad stomach aches, a heartburn that wouldn’t stop (it drove me crazy), i felt nauseous and tired all the time. I went to different doctors trying to figure out what i had and they gave me me a lot of different remedies but none of them worked. I didn’t associate it with the pill at first, because a lot of my girl friends took the pill and never felt anything bad. Before i started taking it, i was really skeptical because i don’t like taking any kind of medicament unless it’s really necessary. But in 2012 i suffered from severe period cramps and i was in a commited relationship with a man (even though we continued to use condoms, i felt more protected).

Anyway, these pains lasted for two months until i started making a lot of research and discovered that it could have to do with the pill. I remember the day i went to my gyno office crying, asking her if i could stop taking it. Two days after i stopped it, all the pain was gone. I swore i would never take it again.

But in July 2015, i was prescribed a continuos pill because of a ovarian cyst (now, i know, taking the pill isn’t the only treatment for it). I took it for 6 months and it was a nightmare. I was already suffering from bad anxiety since the beginning of the year, but i believe the pill worsened it. Since i started taking, i feel not only anxious but depressed. I had no desire to do anything, no desire to live. I was scared as hell because i wanted to die because of depression but i feared it because of anxiety. At some point i got help and started researching about depression caused by the pill. I found a lot of evidence and testimonials of woman that went thought the same. I couldn’t believe this was happening to me but guess what? Right after i stopped it, things got better. I still had anxiety of course, but finally i could feel hope for the future.

I went to the gyno again to check my ovarian cyst and thankfully it went away. My doctor wanted me to start taking the monophasic pill but i refused it. I started feeling all the effects from the pill withdrawal: acne coming back and a lot of emotional unrest. I cried everyday for 3 months straight but at least i didn’t felt depressed. But then, my period cramps started getting worse again and i started taking the fucking monophasic pill. It was April 2016. At the time my anxiety was still bad and i thought my symptoms were exclusively because of anxiety, but now refleting on it , i think the pill worsened my symptoms. My stomach would hurt all the time, i felt constantly nauseous, i had migraines that would last weeks, my blood circulation was bad and all my body felt sore all the time. There were times when my body wouldn’t accept what i ate and i had diarrhea. I really thought i was developing IBS due to anxiety. I made a lot of visits to the hospital that year.

In 2017, i really took the time to heal myself. I fixed my sleeping and eating habits. I started exercicising and meditating. My anxiety got so much better but i still felt stomach aches and nausea, especially in the first days of taking the pill (you know, after the 7-day-pause). So, like i said in the firstt paragraph, i tried to quit but i didn’t handle it very well. My skin got so bad, like for real: 99,99% of my face was covered with acne. And i felt that i was going crazy, my emotions were all over the place. It was too much. I came back to taking the pill but i was so sad: i knew that i wanted to quit some time in the future.

So 2018 was the year where i tried to work out with different pills to finally find a “match”. I already have had 3 bad experiences but doctors always said that there would be a pill that would suit me. I tried another 4 different pills and i had these sympthoms with all of them: stomach pains so bad that it irradiates to the back, cramps even when i’m not on my period, nausea, blood circulation problems (my legs have a lot of dark spots with purple veins and it hurted a lot), pain in my body in general, severe fatigue. With different pills i had different levels of pain and disconfort but none of them left me at peace.

In December, 2018, i changed pills again. The previous one was causing me severe fatigue and i had a lot to do so i went to the doctors to change it again. But the story repeats itself. I started taking the new one around christmas time and boy, i spent the chrstimas eve party laying down in bed, feeling really bad stomach ache, headache and nauseua. I told myself that it would get better with time but boy, it did not.

So this week, as i was getting closer to the 7-day pause, i really thought: i have to stop taking it for good. I can’t take being in some kind of pain for all my life. I was feeling (still am) all the sympthoms i mentioned above. Plus, i’m now having really bad gut problems. I don’t know if it’s relate to the pill but at this point i wouldn’t be surprised if it is. Right now, i’m on the second day from the pause and my “period” (it’s not really period when you’re on the pill) is due to come this weekend. I was supposed to start a new pill card next thuesday but i’m not going to. Enough is enough.

Next week i’m having appointments with gyno, dermatologist and maybe a endocrinologist to see what i can do to ease the pill withdrawal. I talked to my girl friends that got off the pill and they really encoraged me. They said that i was the best thing they did for themselves. It’s gonna be a rough path but it’s gonna be worth it in the end. So stay tuned for my emotional rants on here hahaha.

Ps: when i told my friends, few of them where concerned about me having no form of contraception. I started laughing because it’s been ages since i touched a man and i’m not on a relationship with a man (and i don’t plan to have it in the future — but it’s a topic for another day).

[sleepybud]

i don’t know.

i don’t believe in god. i believe in my dad. i believe in my ancestors and my grandmothers and everyone who lived and died before me that had to live and die for me to be born. i believe i was brought here for a reason. i think i was brought here to enjoy myself. to live and experience things and be happy and laugh and bring joy to myself and others. thats all i ever try to do. i’m an artist with an artist job and artist stereotypes. all i’ve ever wanted to do is bring joy and beauty and happiness to the world. 

it wasn’t until my sister brought it up to my mom.. who brought it up to me... i’ve been sick or broken my whole life. i was born placenta previa. i had a possible meningitis scare and was subsequently hospitalized when i was a toddler. i had horrible leg pains all throughout grade school. my mom would lather me up with bengay and wrap me up with ace bandages as tight as possible because the pressure was the only thing that helped. when i developed my period, along came the debilitating cramps. i’d miss days from school and throw up bile from the pain. i started birth control when i was 14. shortly after graduating high school, i developed migraines that would wake me in the middle of the night and disorient me for days. they lasted for 2 years, and only come back now when i take tolerance breaks. 

i’ve broken some bones and sprained some things but those have been my fault. those injuries have been traumatic but at the end of it, i can have an interesting story. i twisted my ankle when i was like 17 because i went to one of those indoor trampoline places for my best friend’s birthday. we weren’t even there 5 minutes before i fucked myself up for the first day of winter break. i then broke the opposite leg, still with that best friend, only this time we were at an indoor rock climbing gym. i was up about 9 ft and lost my footing. i just have weak ankles because i landed correctly as far as falling goes, but the impact was too strong for my lil bones. my doctor had already told me i should have been taking more calcium. i still should be taking more calcium. 

and then... unexpectedly when i was 21, i developed my first pilonidal cyst. it’s a giant pimple at the very end of your tailbone, right in between (at least my) butt cheeks. it’s ugly it smells bad it’s painful it’s embarrassing and i can’t sit up straight in a chair or lay on my back when it’s first sprouting all the way up until it’s been fully drained. i’ve had surgery for it, and i’ll be having surgery again in mid January. this has been one of the most frustrating, draining (lol), disgusting thing i’ve ever had to deal with. i try to make light of it. i try to lose as little work as possible, but ultimately i end up missing work more when i do that. 

i had a therapy appointment today and she confirmed my suspicions that i do have borderline personality disorder. my lack of interpersonal relationship skills, my overwhelming emotions, my need to be needed or at least wanted so badly i’d stay in bad relationships or allow myself to be treated unfairly. i’d already decided years ago though i’d rather isolate myself than be around anyone who doesn’t treat me the way i deserve. i had so much anger and pain and sadness and helplessness but i’ve begun to work through that and now all that’s left is love. 

i want so desperately to have a genuine friendship and connection but i’m still scared. i just want someone who is fine sitting and doing nothing with me, but is also going to be there for me when i go through genuine hardships. i want more than just a surface friendship. i have a sister, but our relationship is strained. all i want is a sisterhood. 

[the-story-of-kristi-blog]

Backstory

I’m Kristi. I’m gonna tell you some things about me that I feel are important for you to know. But first, I’m gonna tell you exactly what the purpose of this blog is. The idea of creating a blog came to me after a diagnosis (I’ll get to this..) that put me into a depression and really had me at my lowest. This blog is my outlet. My release. If you’re here for judgement, I ask that you excuse yourself. I’ve been through a lot.

So, I’m 24 years old. I’m a Registered Nurse in an Intensive Care Unit & its definitely my calling. I’m married to my highschool sweetheart & we’ve been together for almost 11 years but married for 2 of those. We don’t have any kids. Just our sweet little weenie dog, Colt. We bought a house a year ago, but have been living together for 6 years when I got kicked out of my house when I was 18 years old. I’ve always worked for everything that I have. When I got kicked out, I lived with my, now husband, & his family for a few weeks. We then moved out into the cheapest apartment we could afford. I was in college doing my prerequisites for the nursing program & my husband was working full time out of town doing heating and air. We lived in those apartments for about 2 years and moved out quickly when someone was murdered a couple of doors down. We hurried into a dumpy trailer that wasn’t much more rent per month and it was closer to my school. While living there, I finished school! But, things were still tough. It’s hard to find a job as a new grad nurse, because everyone wants the experienced nurse because its expensive to train someone. So while I applied for job after job,we stayed in the trailer & I worked at the nursing home that I previously was a CNA at. When I say the trailer was dumpy, I mean the ceilings & floors were falling in & we constantly had to have repairs done. There also was no central heat & air so we had one air unit for the trailer that was in the kitchen to keep the house cool & a few space heaters because it was rigged up for gas heat that we couldn’t afford. Thankfully, I was finally offered a job at a local hospital with a great learning program. Once I started there, we got a nicer house & really felt like we were on the upward swing. I worked massive amounts of overtime to accomodate the rut we had always been in & I got burnt out- but it was the best timing ever because then it was time to get married! We went on our honeymoon & it was wonderful. I came back and worked just my scheduled shifts & realized I needed something more. I applied for a new job, doing something more challenging & that’s where the ICU position came in. Anyways, I’ve been there for about a year and a half & couldn’t be happier.

Here comes the health story. So I’ve had “chronic migraines” for 6 years now. Always thought they were stress related. I started seeing a neurologist shortly after I got my first nursing job because my symptoms were progressively getting worse. She kept the diagnosis of “chronic migraines” and we used some medications to try & prevent them & then some as needed medications to get me through the inevitable migraines. I was on the depo shot for birth control at this time, so the preventative medications were cleared. I saw that neurologist every 6 months for updates & evaluations. Then about a year & a half into seeing her my husband and I decided it was time for me to come off of the depo shot (my birth control) to prepare to start our family. It wasn’t time for an appointment, so I called her office & explained that & she basically told me how to wean myself off of my preventative medications & told me some vitamins to take to help with the pain but that she wouldn’t be authorizing anymore refills on my medications because the risk to a pregnancy was there.. small but there. I understood that, so I weaned myself & the pain was horrible. I called her to see what could be done, nothing. My best friend is a medical assistant and she started working for a more local neurologist and she had been trying to persuade me to come see him and explain my situation to see if I could get some relief. After suffering for about 6 months with no medicines and excrutiating pain, I called him. I saw him in September for the first time & he evaluated me & assessed me for over an hour. His words after hearing my story were “I will not stop until I find you relief.” It was so wonderful to hear such a thing & he was so thorough & great. I received a trigger injection that day in the base of my skull for some optic nerve branch inflammation that was causing a lot of my discomfort, so the injection was ideally supposed to help. My next appointment was 3 months later. I received 5 of those injections this time because the frequency & the intensity of my migraines had worsened since I had seen him last. Also of note, we changed my medications every time I saw him because nothing was working for any period of time. After those 5 injections, I was miserable. And in January 2017 I developed a migraine that lasted almost 3 weeks and the symptoms were different. I was losing my balance, losing my vision in my left eye for long periods of time, could always hear my pulse in my ears & the migraine was nearly unbearable. I called my neurologist multiple times during this & had an appointment with him from which he immediately sent me to a private referral office for an infusion to break the migraine & this was hopefully supposed to last for a couple of weeks. We also scheduled a lumbar puncture to see if there was something else going on. I had already had an MRI that was clear. The infusion made me super drowsy, yet wired & oversensitized to everything! I came home and slept it off and the next day I felt okay that morning with a little pain in my neck.. but by 5pm, exactly 24 hours after my infusion, my migraine was back in full swing. I was supposed to call him the next day anyway to tell him how I was doing anyway, so when I called him and told him I had a migraine that morning.. his nurse left a message & he personally called me back and told me to pack a bag and get ready to be admitted to the hospital. I knew it was coming.. so I leisurely took a shower after calling my husband & my parents & I packed my bag. My husband came home from work & drove me to the hospital where I was admitted to the neurosciences floor. This is the hospital that I work in, the ICU that I work in is just 2 floors below. That night I had another MRI to check the vasculature of my brain to make sure that I didn’t have some sort of clot cutting off the oxygen supply to any part of my brain, that was also clear. I was getting infusions around the clock here to help with the pain. The next morning was my, already scheduled, lumbar puncture. There were some complications because the needle that came in the kit wasn’t long enough to reach my spinal fluid, so I got another needle into my spine. I was numb, but wide awake. We got answers, though. My opening pressures were high, meaning I had too much spinal fluid on my brain. Its got a fancy name called Pseudotumor Cerebri. I will post a link below. Anywho, after that release of pressure, I felt great! The best I had felt in almost a month. But, rest and fluids were important to prevent complications after the procedure. I was doing just that until they introduced the medication to treat it, called diamox. Its a diuretic that focuses on putting the spinal fluid where its supposed to be. Its also a nasty nasty nasty nasty drug. I received 2 doses of it before I became violently ill, I’ll spare you all of the details. But I wasn’t able to rest the next day as I should have and I developed a spinal headache. I told the neurologist when he came in that morning that I was ready to go home because I didn’t want to receive anymore infusions or the diamox anymore. He concurred but felt that we needed to get me on something to address the Pseudotumor. So, ironically, I was restarted on my prevention meds from a year ago even though I’m not on birth control and we will work on getting me to the maximum dose and add another diuretic that will be easier for me to handle. I was discharged early that afternoon but the spinal headache was miserable. I dealt with it for 6 days. Day 3 post discharge, my neurologist called me to check on me and I told him about the spinal headache. He told me to give it 48 more hours and if it wasn’t gone to call him back- it wasn’t, so I did. Same day, I was scheduled for a procedure called a blood patch. They take 20-30cc of your own blood from your arm & inject into the same place the did the lumbar puncture, in your spine, basically using the same type of procedure. BUT its painful, not only the needle part. The injection of the blood causes a lot of pressure in your lower back, hips & legs and then it stays there for a few days. However, this felt like a lifesaving procedure. I felt like a normal person. I cried happy tears. Recovery from this just was pain management so really, I’m doing great!

Depression. That will be the next blog post. Thank you for reading this one. <3

http://www.healthline.com/health/pseudotumor-cerebri#Prevention8