#my parents do not understand what freaks me out so much about that shitty robot

[adozentothedawn]

Shit that scared me as a child that I still get made fun of for because it still kinda makes me cringe

The pink Elephants in Dumbo

The Hephalump song from a Winnie Pooh movie

The Teletubbie vacuum

The stupid murderous cardboard robot from Logan's Run

[genuflectx]

Robot Butler/Reader CH 2

Ch 2 Length: 3,279 words

Full Story Length: 8,029 words

Main Kinks: Robots, risk of being seen/heard, public sex, creampie, fingering,

Other Warnings: Mentions of university, arguing with parents, former sex work,

1/30/2020: REPOST

(all images in aesthetic board are labeled for reuse with modification or are mine)

The next semester was closing in fast; it felt like you were caught upon the train tracks, unable to will your car's wheels to bumble over the edges. If you didn't think fast, you'd be flattened. Luckily you had emotional life support to push you on, in spite of the lingering anxieties that the world instilled into you.

“You will be fine. You've made it this far,” soothed Ezra, said life support.

Leaning against him on the couch, you made yourself into a ball and pouted. “I just barely passed my classes last semester! I don't wanna make mom keep having to pay for extra classes if I fail them.”

This bout of nervousness was brought on by a simple grocery list, of all things. The bulky robot rubbed your arm and glanced at the list in hand. He read it over in a millisecond: milk, eggs, bread, hotdog buns, chicken, rice, noodles, basil, parsley, mustard, packing tape, staples, glossy paper, new school clothes, notebooks, note cards- the list went on and on. It was rather long.

When you found the paper on the kitchen table, your eyes had focused right on the school supplies. Ezra had a hard time understanding why it would make you so, so anxious. But he did understand the logic behind saving money, and how it could upset you to spend past a limit. University was expensive.

“Your parents are quite well off, and I am paid well. They gave me a debit card to buy the groceries, you won't run out of money... so don't be sad,” he tried.

“It's not just that! I also don't want to disappoint them, ya know? They're both so smart and they expect a lot from me and Lilly. When mom realized how, erm, close you and I had gotten, I think she got it in her head that maybe I wanted to be like her. A mechanic, or engineer even,” you sighed.

Ezra physically rumbled, laughing. “We are rather close.”

You rolled your eyes and gently smacked his chest. “Get your mind out of the gutter weirdo.”

“Made you smile, though.”

He was right. Trying not to smile made you smile harder. You sighed with defeat, still rather anxious, but glad to have him around. “Let's just get this over with.”

Resigned to worrying about the future, you climbed into the passenger seat of the car. Ezra took the wheel and started it up, and off the two of you went. Tall suburban homes flew by, painting the world a blur of ugly, white washed brick.

“We should get the non-perishables first, like the bread and school supplies,” Ezra idly spoke up to break the silence.

You hummed. Ezra was a good butler. He'd been around about two months now, and rather enjoyed getting out of the house. His chipper mood was a great contrast to your inward tenseness. To one not already accustomed to the subtle tone changes of his voice, or the gentle expressions of his eyes, it would be nearly impossible to read his joy. But you could tell.

You could see his emotions as if they were written out before you, clear as a bell. Like earlier, when he didn't totally comprehend your apprehension. He had been confused, but still tried to comfort you. It was an endearing quality that Ezra had; always looking for solutions to problems that he didn't understand. He was a compassionate robot, and you loved that about him.

Ever since that night a few months ago, when he'd leaned you over the dining room table, the two of you were increasingly intimate. It hadn't gotten to a round two over the couch or on the corner of the washing machine, but there was always a question in the air. Would it happen again? Do you want it to happen again? Instead, you settled for the occasional cuddle. And despite Ezra's boldness with his dick, kissing him made him shy. It was adorable.

It occurred to you that you'd pushed the bad thoughts about school away by thinking about sex. What sort of deplorable little demon were you? Maybe the horny kind, you supposed.

“What are you grinning about?”

Your cheeks reddened and you shrugged. “Nothing, just about food and such,” you didn't really sound believable.

He blinked, smirk evident in his tone. “Alright. We're here.”

The grocery store was packed. People had no choice but to make room for and avoid Ezra. He was tall and took up quite a bit of space; people probably worried that he'd step on their children like ants. In reality, Ezra had wonderful reflexes. He was gentle and crept around the crowd with daintiness, not minding the occasional wide-eyed stare. In the corner of his eye, he could see a kid pointing at him.

“You'd think no one has seen a robot before,” you grumbled as you navigated the cart.

He shrugged. “You haven't come with me to the store before, this is the same reaction I always get. I'm not exactly a spick and span model designed for domestic affairs.”

The corner of your mouth twitched up. “Yeah, I noticed. Okay! So first on the list?”

Having the list memorized, he answered almost instantaneously; pointed a finger up at the isle names. “There's the bread aisle.”

So the two of you collected a couple of the close items that didn't require refrigeration. As you went along, there was some idle banter. Mostly Ezra having to scold you for trying to cram the cart with junk foods. He at least allowed you to get some candy for Lilly. She was fond of chocolate. Then he read the next goal upon the list: school supplies. In fact, there were the office isles now!

You cringed. You'd been actively pushing thought of school out of your brain since you'd arrived at the store. Suddenly the numerous, white overhead lights felt hot against your scalp. “Eugh...”

Ezra gave your head a pat. “I know it upsets you. Here, why don't we buy the most prestigious items they have, so you've only got the best when school begins. Sound good?”

You looked sick as you came into the isle. Notebooks, pens, coloring books for children, it had all the good stuff. Maybe you could get some crafts to make a hand turkey. Coat it with sticky white off-brand glue and sprinkle it with glitter. Wow. You missed kindergarten.

“How about this?” Ezra lifted a folder. It was plain black, with a slightly textured surface.

“Naaah. How about... this?” You displayed one with a puppy on it instead.

He studied it, puzzled. “That is the cheapest brand they have.”

“Yep!”

“... If that's what you'd like, [Y/N].”

“Sure is,” you declared, dropping it unceremoniously in the cart. “If it's cheap, I won't freak out about ruining it with garbage essays and shitty notes.”

He took a moment to process that answer before turning away. You were tired of thinking about school and ripped through the isle with determination to leave as soon as possible. Ezra watched blankly, lost in thought.

You sighed. There was still the matter of clothes and perishables. Ezra took the lead onward, bringing the two of you to stop among the haphazard clothes racks. After fingering through the designs nauseously, you were finally coaxed into getting a few button ups. Some bottoms were also picked up, as an after thought.

“Let's find a changing room. Quick.”

There was an older lady at the desk. She chewed gum noisily and smiled a wrinkled smile, then smiled more nervously at your towering robot. You supposed no number of bright, frivolously colors could make people lose their unease.

Ezra held his hands politely behind his back. “May I go in with them, mam?”

The lady rose a brow. “Sure, if you can fit.”

As the two of you squeezed into the fitting room, you began to whisper. “Why'd you have to follow me in? You're too big, silly!”

“I wanted to see what you looked like in the clothes,” he replied, somewhat suggestively. “Besides. What if you became lonely in here? All by yourself.”

You rolled your eyes. He took a seat behind you and you were forced to stand between his knees, the little changing room being rather cramped. You decided to try the plain blue one, first. Ezra helped you squirm out of your current get up, pulling it over your head and promptly messing up your hair, but he carefully smoothed it back down right after.

He could see your bra. And though he was facing your back, the mirror to the side gave his roving eyes access to your front; it was a perfect, personal little show.

“You're blushing, are you uncomfortable?”

“No!” You exclaimed, removing the shirt from the hanger.

Ezra laughed playfully. “Allow me. Please.”

He slipped the sleeves onto your arms, like a jacket. More intimately, he gently pressed your back towards his chest so that he could reach your front and button it up. You tried not to breathe too hard.

“You're a tease,” you whispered.

His hands smoothed the wrinkles down on your stomach, making you jump and squeak. “Well, does it fit?”

You peeked at the mirror; eyes noting the hands that still gently splayed over your belly. “Yeah, it looks good to me. Really soft.”

He nodded. Then his thumbs looped under the elastic rim of your pants. “Next?”

Silently, you helped him pull off your skinny jeans so that you could try on one of the bottoms you'd picked up on a whim. If you thought being in your bra was nerve-racking, this was way worse. As you leaned to take something from the hook, you realized he was checking out your ass. You scoffed.

“What are you looking at?”

“You.” His hands came up and softly rested against your rear, cupping the cheeks. You were no stranger to this during cuddling, but his admiring eyes were making your heart quicken.

“You're awfully touchy today, mister.”

“I love the softness of human flesh,” he gave a squeeze.

A laugh escaped your throat. “Weird way to put it Ezra. If you love it so much, why didn't you stick to your old business?”

“We've talked about this before. Clientele selfish, joints overworked,” he hummed and nuzzled your shoulder. “I'd much rather be here, with you.”

So sappy. You giggled and bit your lip, pressing your ass harder against his hands. It prompted him to knead. Mustering up much bravery, you replied. “Well, you didn't seem to have a problem working with me before.”

A hand slipped lower, over your inner thighs. “I like you.”

You nodded, spreading your legs. “So I've been told, several times. Robots are funny.”

“I'll tell you a thousand more. [Y/N], who is the tease now? It's almost if you are attempting to obtain a certain response,” he gripped your hips suddenly and jerked you back between his legs.

You squeaked and he covered your mouth, lowering his voice. “We're in public. Be quiet.”

Mouth still covered, his free hand moved low and just barely swiped over your panties. You jerked and sighed between his fingers, your hands propping you up via his thighs. He started slow, the tips of his silicone fingers softly rubbing up and down. It was just enough to make you desperate.

“You've been so stressed today,” he noted, above a whisper. “Let me help.”

“Mhm,” you mumbled, leaned against him with eyes closed.

You breathed a steadying breath as the hand slipped from your mouth to your neck. The other dipped under your panties to give a harder rub.

“Feels good,” you praised, turning to kiss his rainbow cheek.

His middle finger felt through the folds, simply enjoying the sensation. Then he started to prod at your hole. Luckily, it was wet enough to give way easily and quickly, with little to no friction. You gasped as quietly as possible, hands gripping his thighs. A second finger joined the first, and then he was pumping gently. If he moved too fast the sound of wetness would become rather apparent, so slow and steady it was.

You had to bite your cheeks to refrain from whining. It had been way too long. The fingers inched out, wiping the slime up against your clit, before focusing there a second time. Suddenly the tips began to vibrate and you jolted.

“Ahhh, I didn't know you could do that!”

He chuckled with amusement and nuzzled affectionately. The vibration speed increased. Your muscles became twitchy and jerky with the sheer willpower it took to keep from mewling like a kitten. Ezra watched the mirror, loving the display.

“If you're going to cum... then cum,” he whispered commandingly.

His low voice was the last thing you needed to tip over the edge. The orgasm rocketed through your body, as if the ocean was swallowing you whole. The hand around your neck squeezed carefully, just enough pressure to remind you to keep your mouth shut. Then the vibration ceased, and it was over. The last waves ebbed down your spine as you calmed.

You caught your breath as silently as possible as he stroked your back sweetly.

“Do you feel better?” he asked.

Nod. “Doesn't make my problems go away but... wow,” you grinned.

Knock knock knock!

Ezra wasn't surprised at the abrupt interruption, but it made you straighten with fear. “S-some one's in here! One second!”

New college clothes forgotten, you scrambled to dress in what you'd come with. The older woman smiled as you passed by her desk.

“Taking any of'em home today?” she asked, unaware of the happenings.

Ezra replied for you; you were obviously still a little high off of adrenaline. “No. We will leave them on the return rack. Have a nice day.”

So the clothes were left behind and he shepherded you to the cart, to which you swiftly drove away down a random isle. Seemed like you were wandering around the store with no destination in mind. You were just nervous someone had heard you.

“Can't believe we got away with that!” You laughed mischievously, glancing around.

Ezra patted your shoulder, totally inconspicuous. “We did, flawlessly. A few times I thought you would crack.”

“Aw, no faith in me?”

“... A few times I thought I would crack, as well.”

You peeked up at him, brow risen. “What do you mean?”

He hesitated, before sparing a glance down at your still pink face. “It's been a while for me, too,” he looked away.

You squinted, then it hit you. Of course! “Maaaybe we should go home?”

“The list isn't complete.”

You gave him a silly look and waggled your brow. “Ezra.. Ezra come on now, you know what I mean.”

He blinked and squinted. “Ah, I see. We can still do that after we gather the remaining perishables.”

You slumped. “You really want to wait?”

“...Not particularly.”

Patting his arm playfully and grinning a toothy grin, you exclaimed. “Then come on! Go go go!”

The bot behind you had to increase his normal walking pace to keep up as you flew down the store, aiming for the self checkout. “Th-the groceries,” you heard him stutter.

You giggled devilishly and sent an ecstatic look his way, the anxieties of the morning buried back into the deep crevices of your mind.

EPILOGUE

It took some extravagantly articulated thought to convince your parents that you were fine in your current major. Yes, you and Ezra had unintentionally grown close. But you were not interested in becoming an engineer. After a long drawn out conversation with them (ignoring a look or two of disappointment), Lilly slugged your shoulder and gave you the thumbs up.

“Way to stick it to em,” she complimented. “Now how am I gonna break it to them that I want to be a traveling rodeo clown,” she sighed dramatically.

“Who can juggle small dogs that live in old ladies' purses?”

She started to snap her fingers, then finger gunned you while walking backwards down the hall.

Such a strange girl. She'd make it okay, whatever she wanted to do in life. Despite the hollow, sick feeling one gets after an awkward talk with the parents, the support of both your sibling and your butler- boyfriend- friend with benefits(?) was a balm. You made your way upstairs to his room, where he'd retired.

The door was closed, and you rapped at the wood. There was a pause, then your heard his heavy footsteps draw near. His eyes brightened when the sound revealed to be you.

“Do you need something?” he asked courteously, voice soft.

“Just.. to talk,” you noticed a book in his hand, hanging to the side. “Sorry, were you reading?”

He nodded, then stepped out of the way. Seemed he wasn't bothered by the unexpected intrusion. You strode on in. Not much had changed about his room since he'd moved here. Other than the extra chair you'd drug up, it was relatively the same.

“What did you want to talk about?” He asked, shutting the door silently and keeping a respectful distance.

Shrug. You noted how there was not a single grain of dust on the surface of his near-empty bookshelf. “I talked to mom and dad about school. It was... weird.”

Ezra nodded, waiting for more.

Taking a seat, you went on. “I can tell they think I should be doing something different with myself. And I really know they hoped that I was like, tinkering with you or something, but,” you sighed. “I don't know.”

“They were upset.”

You furrowed your brows, eyes downcast. “Yeah. I expected it. At least they're not forcing me to switch majors.”

He studied your features, then took a seat beside you in his own chair. The book rested in his lap patiently. “And you're sad,” his hand squeezed your shoulder comfortingly. “But you got it done.”

You reluctantly agreed. “I guess. I'm still terrified about failing my classes, but mom said she'd hire a tutor. I could just use the free tutors on campus but,” you rolled your eyes. “you know mom.”

Ezra would smile at that comment if he could. It was true that your caretakers could spend a bit frivolously.

“I'm glad I have you, though,” you commented quietly, expression easing up. “I hope you stick around for a long time. Even if you're not a butler in the future.”

A warm feeling overcame the girthy robot at your side. His eyes glistened and the minute movement of his inner apertures clicked, inaudible. The hand at your shoulder slipped down over your arm, then took your hand. When you looked up, he was staring with such passion that it struck you with a intense longing.

He had never felt this wonderfully certain about a partner, never in all his time of sex work. You didn't act like he was just some common 'bot. You treated him like Ezra. “You're my favorite human,” he said.

You wanted to laugh with glee. “Always a way with words,” you joked, leaning forward and nuzzling his chest. “Thank you for being here for me Ezra. Not just the.. sex or soft touches. You always make me feel better.”

Nothing delighted Ezra more to hear. The book slipped from his lap onto the floor, momentarily forgotten, as he hugged you as if you were made of china.

[fotiathymos]

I liked your headcanon backstory for Lio, when you have the time would you share your idea for Galo's?

Galo's story time! According to random thoughts that occur in my brain to make me upset at night!

Once again, thank you for the interest. And I guess it comes off that I enjoy writing so I hope you enjoy reading. Even when its said. >.> I'd love to discuss with people their ideas still. And once again again... its LONG.

TW emotional abuse, parental death, small racism mention, transphobia mention, bullying, self harm via over working, and again I apologize if I miss anything.

Galo's parents were city dwelling young teens that fell in love and got married months later after dating at barely 19 years old. And it was rough. 

His mother was loud, out spoken, take no bullshit kind of girl. She grew up all her life in Promepolis, poor and dirty. She'd get drunk at gay bars, fight with her parents, make out with random people and claimed it was living life to the fullest and if you can't handle that then you are just a prude!

His father recently moved into the city with his father (Galo's grandfather). They lost their home and was moved to Promepolis' shelter.

The recent events of the World Blaze caused many people to be displaced and homeless across the world. And welcoming new comers in the city scared the locals, what if they were Burnish? But with a majority of livable land reduced to deserts, people had to go somewhere.

Galo's father was training to be museum curator assistant. He was well versed in many cultures histories, educated, introverted and always got his way through social interactions via jokes. Upon arriving to the city he was currently jobless, the museum and city he previously called home was burned to the ground. His father was his only family and unfortunately wasn't handling old age well.

Sort of an opposites attract but 'were not so different, you an I' way. They met through friends of a friend. Galo's father wasn't fond of clubs but went anyway. She made him let loose for once in his life and he fell head over heels for her. They connected real fast. They were just 19 and impulsive, but it worked out in the end sorta, and decided if the world is this sucky lets just get married right away.

The reason why Galo was never taken in by any other family members was because 1. Galo's father only had Galo's grandfather, who was living in a home for his health. and 2. Galo's mother was disowned by her parents after hitching up with Galo's dad. She was from a large Italian family. Tight knit. They disapproved of her not dating or marrying an Italian boy from the city. She married a Japanese man. They excommunicated her from the family. Even when Galo was born they refused to see him. 

Galo was their 'miracle child'. Kind of playing off how in the movie he was always is in such danger he should've died, it was a miracle Galo was born! His mother went through unfortunate miscarriages before she suddenly had Galo. And even then he was born premature and was held in the hospital on and off for the first 3 years of his life. And he survived! He was their miracle.

The family mostly lived a quiet life. Working multiple jobs in a shitty city apartment, caring for an elderly man and a small child. They knew of the politics and horrors going on in the world but they had no time to think of it. They were just trying to survive day by day. They had no outside support. They had friends but even then, they were busy too. There were fights about money, who is staying home with Galo, why don't we have any food in the fridge, whose taking him to school. They made a rule to never fight in front of Galo but kids still felt tension.

Galo didn't quite know he was different from other kids. He just felt.. wrong. It was discovered he was a boy early on though. Really, his parents had suspicions. Galo would hate being referred to as girly, lived for the idea of tomboy. Even when it conflicted with things he did like, like dolls and dresses. The moment someone said he was a pretty girl in that dress, he threw out the dress, tore it to pieces. He would get irritable when people used words and terms for him he didn't decide for himself. He only ever wore his dresses at home, played with dolls at home. At school he begged to wear baseball t-shirts, have robot notebooks, he'd point to anything in the boys section without much care to what it was, as long as it made him appear 'boy' to the world. His parents sat him down to talk about all this. When it all clicked that their child was transgender, they did all they could to make his life easier. They poured their money into puberty blockers for the time being. Before any further steps would happen. 

Galo was bullied heavily at school. He was the 'weird' kid. The 'ugly girl', the 'freak'. Even to teachers who were asked to respect him, they just found him to be a 'troublemaker'. Never paying attention in class, always fidgeting, he'd talk too loud, always asking to go to the bathroom. 

'Look at adults when youre talking to them.' 'Stop drawing and pay attention.' 

He'd try to go by the rules but the rules always didn't make sense to him. Gender was confusing but school was even more confusing. He was always frustrated. All his attempts at fitting in were hit by walls. No one seemed to understand him. Kids stepped all over him, stealing any cool pencils or books he had. His back pack thrown across the school yard.

And just as his parents hid their worried and hard life from him, he made sure to not worry them about his own struggles.

When the fire happened Galo was around 13 year old. Galo was in bed. There were suddenly flames everywhere and his instincts made him run to his parents room. His mother was trapped inside the bedroom, his father outside. Galo was told to make a quick exit out of the house on his own. And in a panic he fled out the front door and into the worst possible human being. 

Everything was pretty much a blur. Galo fell hard into shock when his parents weren't coming out of the building. He honestly was clinging to anything nearby to just.. hold something.. feel something. It just happened to be Kray Foresight. 

The news was on the scene and sirens were blaring and Galo was anywhere but on earth in that moment. He was placed in an ambulance with a shock blanket, Kray sat beside him, muttering to himself. The only words Galo caught were something along the lines of ‘how unexpected the world gives things.’

In Kray's world, his sudden fame gave his sabotage and manipulate plan more speed. In Galo's world. Before he could even start his life, it ended.

Galo was sent to live in foster care. His Grandfather unable to support him. Galo got heavy into history when visiting his grandfather. The man had Galo's father history books in storage and Galo was instantly pulled in. Especially in his father's culture which he never got to learn much about. He discovered the history of Hikeshi through the books and it became his biggest interest. some foster care nurses were worried about him getting into firefighting history after suffering from a fire. 

Galo would also visit a reluctant Kray very often. The media always ate it up. Kray would pose for pictures and Galo loved the attention. A break from thinking anything bad, he could run around a large empty office while Kray was on calls. Okay, maybe, sometimes he'd get yelled at for being too loud. And Kray would kick him out of the room. But thats just cause he was busy! Galo would talk and talk and talk to Kray about the new things he read in his books, he'd even bring by the books some days! His back pack full. It has to do with firefighting! Kray is working on ways to help prevent burnish fires! Kray would so be interested in Galo's research! So he'd spread out all the books all over Krays desk. Kray would let in some tv people during Galo's visits, maybe so they could see how even Galo, a kid, can be working so hard for a better world! 

Galo would notice how different Kray got when it was just them two. Kray would mutter under his breath a lot. Stress from the job probably. Krays outbursts toward Galo only happened when they were alone. clearly Galo was being a bother to him. Kray was a busy man. Galo wasn't helping as much as he should be for Kray. Galo started being more quiet during his visits. He went from jumping around to sitting in the corner of the room, watching Kray work, till he was yelled at to stop staring. Galo would pace the Foundations halls, people watching. How they acted and how he could do the same to impress Kray finally. Show he isn't a kid anymore. That he’s normal.

But Kray wasn't always so stressed out with Galo, sometimes he'd pat Galo's head, buy him a new clothes and video games, have someone drive him back to the foster home in a big fancy car. And one day Kray even started noticing how interested Galo was in firefighting! He even offered to pay for schooling! 

Galo hated the foster home system. Instead of dealing with his problems he ran away. He'd run to Kray's office. To visit his grandfather. Just mindlessly wander the city. Being an older child with trauma, adoption wasn't really on his plate. Ageing out seemed to be his only option. But no one ever wanted to just tell him that was the case. Giving false hopes for a better life. 

Being bullied in school was easy compared to being bullied by other foster kids. They all hated Galo for being Krays 'favorite'. Galo was given a special room because Kray paid for it. Galo was bought clothes and video games and taken on drives in fancy cars! It was common for Galo to come back to his bedroom trashed. The first Matoi made out of card board and scrap fabric... suddenly found burning in the buildings front yard. 

Galo would try and try and try to fit in. To be accepted. To have friends. So he started letting other kids come join him in the fancy car rides. He'd give others his clothes, pretending they were gifts. He'd help others by doing their chores. And suddenly everyone needed Galo.

When Galo's grandfather passed on due to old age. Galo felt more hopeless. His Grandfather was having memory issues in his old age, so Galo visited less, he could handle being mistaken for his mother, or asked who he even was. Galo felt so useless. And then the last piece of his family died and he, once again, was useless. 

He was 16years old now. And felt so very stuck. As he was getting closer and closer to aging out of the system Galo was slowly accepting he had his own dreams of being a firefighter now. To help people who befell such a horrible situation that he himself suffered. He also wanted to impress Kray with his studies and maturity. He got to work. He got a job at the foster home, secretly got a front desk job at the Foundation, did small odd jobs around the city. All at 16-17. 18 years old was moving closer and closer. He wouldn’t eat or sleep and his body would ache everyday. But. He didn't want to be stuck and be useless.

Galo wanted to talk to Kray about helping him with top surgery. After the fire he got off puberty blockers, and after many many therapy sessions with the foster homes nurse did he start hormone replacement therapy. He honestly thought Kray already knew Galo wasn't cis from when he was 13 years old. But it seems he keeps forgetting. Kray was told about it by a nurse but he didn't mention it again. So Kray must not care that Galo was trans! He'd surely be excited and proud when he finds out how hard Galo worked up the money and how mature he was for all his research. 

Kray was livid. 

Calling Galo impulsive as always. Galo was working 2 years on this, and was researching for even longer. But.. I guess it was still 'impulsive' of him. Kray said it was too huge a thing to do to ones body. Galo understood that. Does that mean he can't go through with it? Yes, it was a big change but thats what Galo wanted. Kray just stated the obvious. Galo just wanted support for it. Galo explained as calmly as he could to Kray. Kray didn't seem to budge. Galo was too nervous about doing it without Kray's support. So he just sulked for months. Til one day, Kray said he found a surgeon. And Galo was elated! The news the next day had a big article on how Kray was still being a hero to the small boy he saved years ago. 

Galo had some extreme abandonment issues. He conformed all his life to fit into a role, a job, a way he was expected to be for whoever he was talking to. He struggled with his own identity from a young age and with how different the world continued to act towards him it was hard for him to find his own place of comfort. It was always someone elses comfort he had to focus on. Joining Burning Rescue enhanced that feeling. He was meant to save and help others. And he was happy with that. It gave him purpose, pride, and reason to keep living. 

Night terrors and sleep paralysis started immediately after the fire. During his foster home days, he was known to be awake at all hours of the night. Playing video games, reading, wandering around, doing exercise. anything to think of anything that wasn't that night. That wasn't how he's failing, how he wasn't liked, how he wasn't 'normal'. 

He'd apologize after every time he got too excited and his voice got loud. Kray would always yell or give him a look from that. Kray wasn't subtle about how disinterested he was in Galo's interests. Galo would talk and talk and Kray would grunt and mumble under his breath and then slam the books off his desk nonchalantly. Galo would shut up. Galo had trouble understanding when the right time to speak was, what if he was too loud, what if he said something wrong.

Self deprecating humor was his go to in social interactions. If he said how annoying and stupid he was first then when they say it, it won't hurt that much. Or well, its just a joke, he doesn't really hate who he is! Right?

Galo's self harm was in working too much. Sleeping too little. He'd appear as a workaholic, invested in his passions. He'd be important and useful and he convinced himself that the aches werent there or werent too bad. His forgetfulness from lack of sleep was just him being stupid. 

After Parnassus. He dealt with his issues more. Sort of. He'd become invested in helping Lio in helping the Burnish. Helping Lio with Lio's traumas and aches and lack of sleep. 

But Lio was also invested in helping Galo. 

Lio.. listened to him. Galo would talk and talk and talk and Lio could repeat the information back days later. Lio asked to hear more about certain subjects. Lio snap at Galo everytime he made a self hating joke. Galo still suffered nightmares and traumas but he wasn't alone this time. Truely wasn't alone. He finally had someone, and even more then just Lio, actually checking in on him, visiting him. Instead of Galo running to find someone to connect to and meeting brick walls.. he was slowly starting to have someone run to him. 

Lio was the first person Galo would talk to about his parents. About the fun board game nights they had together. How his mother would let Galo wear make up and dresses but still refer to him as a boy when asked. How his father would let Galo stay up way to late watching old movies with him. 

Galo had his own issues to deal with but he was in love with Lio intensely. Someone understood him when no one else would. But he couldn't always trust his own head, it always seemed to give the wrong answers about how others felt. But he just felt Lio loved him back. Lio just needed time. And there were days and months where Galo felt it was entirely one sided. That no one could love a fool like him. 

But Lio would always end up doing something, as if reading Galo's mind, that showed he cared for Galo and that Galo's negative thoughts were just that, negative thoughts. 

--

OKAY I feel like i could write forever and I def went all over the place. Im def missing some big points and thoughts. I hope this is at least readable. I'm sleepy. I'm going to bed.

I hope it wasn't too long or too weird or too much. idk where i was going with it and well i started writing with out a goal in mind. Just getting thoughts out really. Enjoy??And please talk to me about your thoughts. Anon or not anon. But thank you again for being even vaguely interested!! I know its not like.. fun or prob a popular idea for the most part.

[dancing-the-hellfire-rumba]

Dear Hannah,

Pairing: technically Destiel, but that’s not what this is about Word Count: 4.9k (wow wtf) Warnings: mentions of self-harm, cancer, shitty father John (as per usual), angst and angst and father-daughter love and angst. Summary: When Dean, strapped to a bed, coughing up a storm, catches sight of his newly-adopted baby girl, he decides that, if he is to leave this world, he has to leave something behind for his favorite person. So he writes a booklet, trying to tell her all the things he would’ve if he was alive. Author’s note: This was originally done for @welldonebeca​ ‘s 2019 Song Challenge but I fucked up thinking the deadline was the 31st of October instead of the 15th. Whatever the case, my prompt was movement, by Hozier, which I interpreted as Dean being fascinated by his daughter enough that he’s inspired to write a letter book to her. Of course this wouldn’t be the entire thing, but I had to keep it under wraps.

Feedback is always welcome! No beta, all mistakes are my own.

~~~~

Hannah,

Christ, it’s the third time I’m starting this. The truth is, I’m coming up with blanks as to how to actually start. This has got to be the best I’ve got.

I’ll tell you the moral of this story, my story,  from the get-go. Life’s a fucking bitch, okay? I want you to know that from now. I’d try to hold back on my swearing, but I want you to know me as the person I am, the person I’ve always been. I know what having an absent, terrible father’s like, as you’ll soon see, and I don’t want that for you. I wish I could tell you all this up close, give you advice, tell you all my crazy-ass stories as the dumbass of the teenager I was, and all the shenanigans your uncle (wow, Sam really is a friggin’ uncle!), by a campfire, while you drink your first beer.

Sadly, my odds aren’t looking so great, honey. So this is all I got. I know it’ll never be enough but something is better than nothing.

Enough with the chick flick introduction, though. Let’s start.

The pen’s heavy in his hand, and it’s equal parts the mental heaviness, the weight of the task, as it is his fatigue. Dean’s really just started this. He can’t believe it. The heaviness of uncertainty, of whether or not he’ll get enough time to finish it settles on his chest like an anvil. There’s a solid chance he doesn’t make it before his time comes.

Hannah’s sitting right there, carelessly looking at the plastic, grinning stars above her crib. She’s so innocent, skin creamy, chocolaty and bright, a young, fearsome woman that’s gonna turn out to be so incredible, he’s certain. A small baby who’s soon to walk.

Dean already knows, this kid is destined for great things.

She’s gonna grow up, past the tutus and the miniature racing-car collections, she’s gonna have a movie she’ll play on repeat for ever and ever, with a song that he’ll learn by heart after having heard it so many times. She’s gonna go to high school and she’ll be bullied but she’ll learn to kick some serious ass. She’ll develop interests, she’ll have mediocre grades but a fiery passion and a love for anything alive.

She’ll, then, go to college. She’ll fall in love, with people and life itself. She’ll do what she loves most and she’ll be so damn good at it, she’ll excel.

And Dean… Dean will be nowhere near her to see all of it.

The bitterness… it makes his eyebrows stitch together, his lip curl in clear frustration and sadness. After everything he’s been through, finally finding the person he loves most and creating a full-ass apple pie life, and it’s all gonna be gone as soon as it started. Because, as he told his favorite Hannah, life’s a fucking bitch, and there’s no denying it.

As he lays there in his bed, pale as a sheet, watching her giggle for a while, reaching for the stars, soon yawning, small eyelids shutting softly and rocking just slightly, he… he falls in love with her. This tiny, tiny happy-beyond-words creature that could ask anything of him, and he’d do it, god damn it. He really would.

A giant bubble grows in his chest, a bubble that makes him feel like he’ll protect her at absolute all costs. He’ll grab the moon and fucking move it if that’s what she needs. And all she has to do is yawn and fall asleep.

A tear appears in the corner of his eye, lingering and falling down his ashy cheek. He can’t believe he brought this bright ray of sunshine to this world, and he’s about to make her live with an absent father. That he won’t get any memories with her at all. It’s torture. All of it.

He doesn’t know what else to do, so he grabs his pen with more determination. If he’s to leave her with something, it’ll be a part of him and that is that.

~~~~~

I was born on January 24th, 1979, the first son of a, dare I say, colossally unlucky family. Your uncle, Sam, my brother, is four years younger and will ALWAYS be a wimp, don’t let the height fool you. He always had terrible, shaggy hair and was always the sharpest tool in the box. Hell, the boy went to freaking LAW SCHOOL of all places! That’s kinda crazy!

My parents, your grandparents, were Mary and John.

Mary was a sweet, incredible, fearsome blonde woman, kindest of them all. She’d cut the crusts off my toast, sing Hey, Jude to me before bed and tell me angels were watching over me. (While we’re on the topic of the Beatles, make a note to listen to them. “Hey, Jude” must be your first song, but beyond the classics [Let it Be, Hard Day’s Night, I Saw Her Standing There, I Wanna Hold your hand etc] I hope “Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds” will hold a special spot in your heart, much like me.)

So, Mary. Sweet Mary. She was a real badass, you know. This one time, Sammy was hungry, so I decided to make, get this, French fries. I think I was seven. She caught me getting ready to pour oil in a very hot pan. When I say she swooped in, I mean it, quite literally. I think she saved me a hand that day.

Now, about John…You’ll have to forgive the mess that I’m about to make with this, but John was a fucking sorry excuse of a father, alright? He got piss-drunk every night after Mom died, and naturally, Sam and I were the punching bags, sometimes literally. The best nights were the ones he wasn’t home.

For years, the house was silent. Sam and I tried to keep everything clean, stock up on canned food, because at times we would only have ten bucks to hold us for over two weeks. I took him to school, fed him, made sure he studied –not that I really had to- and kept John of his hair. At sixteen I picked up a shift at Bobby Singer’s garage, a man that, at this point, deserves the Dad title significantly more than John.

Whenever Sammy was sick, it was my fault. Was anyone loud? Dean’s fault. House dirty? Dean’s fault. Did we wake him up? …Let’s just say we learned not to do that.

I tried to put myself before Sam, did anything I could to protect him. There were times when that wasn’t even enough.

I dropped out of high school at seventeen. The second I saved up enough money, I rented a hole of an apartment at the other side of town, in an attempt to help Sam have a normal life, and we hauled ass out of there.

Before I tell you about our shitty apartment, let me tell you about the highlights of my high school career. Starting off with me “unintentionally” kicking a ball at my least favorite teacher’s face (and hitting him) ((Don’t take your father’s example, kid, violence isn’t the answer.)) (Did feel pretty good at the time though), making out with Jenny in the Janitor’s closet and with Arthur at the locker rooms afterhours (I don’t know what age you’re reading this at, but I sure hope it’s over 16). Also, that one time I pulled a prank at my friend, Cole. I spray painted his entire locker. He didn’t like me very much, to be honest…

~~~~~

An important story I feel inclined to share with you, would be the fact that I was once a bully.

Kids are just mean, but also, I couldn’t understand that troubles at home, traumatic pasts and anger are not to be taken out on other people who are not at fault. Instead of finding a healthy way to deal with everything that was happening at home, I decided that every happy person that was weak enough to meddle with, didn’t deserve any happiness.

I picked on a couple of people, but I think the one I will always regret will be Kevin Tran.

Kevin was a freshman when I was in junior year. He was in the Math club, the Science club and the Robotics club. He had maybe two friends, he was skinny, short, shy as hell, he drowned himself in oversized clothes and always carried a neon green book bag around, that worked on me like red cloth to a bull.

Every time I spotted the bag in the hallway, the drill would start. Shoving the poor kid against the locker, calling him names and laughing at his face for no apparent reason. I’d steal his calculators when I found out he had chemistry tests, spray paint the door of his locker and cause rib bruises from my shoving him against walls and furniture.

I soon find out Kevin was severely depressed. In fact, I saw him in the back of the school, where I’d usually go out to smoke because I thought it was cool (it’s not, it makes you light headed, unfocused and struggle to breathe. Just an all-around terrible experience, but this is just a side-note.)

It was a Friday after school. I didn’t wanna go straight home and Sam still had one more period, so I decided to go smoke and listen to some music in the back of the school building. And that’s where I found him.

I don’t know into how much detail I should go here, but Kevin was harming himself. With a small pocket knife, he sat on an old basket and made incisions on his arms, tears running down his face like a faucet. My God, Hannah, I’ve never felt like a bigger piece of shit in my life, because I knew, and I knew very well, that at least part of those incisions were caused by me.

I called out to him, and the look on his face, as he scrambled away from me, made me feel so much worse. I was the scum of the earth at that moment. I was the biggest asshole on the planet.

My initial reaction, I’ll admit, was pretty harsh. I grabbed the pocket knife out of his hands and threw it as far as possible in the grass. I grabbed a small first aid kit I had in my bag (in case anything happens to Sam), made him sit down by force and bandaged him up. He’d been reduced to sniffles by the time I was done.

Somewhere in between, I remember, he asked me why I was doing this. I didn’t answer.

Eventually, when I was done, I sat on the ground in front of him, ripping blades of grass from the ground. I apologized. Something along the lines of “I didn’t know, not that that’s an excuse. What I’m going through is not an excuse, but I hope it makes you understand that it was nothing to do with you. I’ll stop. I’m sorry. Don’t do this to yourself, man.”

That evening, Kevin was one of the very first people who found out about John. His own dad had passed away, and things at home were rough with his mom. That, along with the whole depression thing… it wasn’t a good combo.

After a solid two hours of talking with him, making amends, apologizing profusely and getting my apology accepted (which I absolutely didn’t deserve by the way,) we made it back out front.

From then on, I stopped picking on anyone. Kevin and I actually became really good friends, though we drifted apart eventually. I think he works in Google now.

This is really important. I want you to pay attention and take heed of my words. There are a couple lessons in this story.

One, be kind. Always  be kind. To everyone. It doesn’t matter if they’re going through a rough time or not, the same way it didn’t matter that Kevin’s father was dead. You don’t know the other person. There’s never a reason to not be kind, if the person has done nothing to you. A smile can make somebody’s day, a compliment can go a long way, and being open and honest and kind will make people who are looking for help find you, it will make other’s lives better, and if you’ve helped even a single person, your life has been successful.

Two, never, and I mean never take your emotional pain out on yourself, or others. There are healthy ways to deal with ugly emotions. There are people who can help. Find a new hobby, as silly as it sounds. Start doing something creative, something that draws your attention elsewhere, like art of any kind, or, in my case, fixing cars. Something to keep you busy. If you’re in trouble, emotional or otherwise, there are people who love and support you, who will do their mightiest to be by your side, and if those aren’t your friends, they’re definitely your family.

Bottling up emotions, or dealing with them in horrible, unhealthy ways has been my go-to. Don’t be like me. Express yourself in different ways, and don’t keep your feelings shoved under the carpet, because it will, absolutely, unceremoniously explode, and you’ll take people down with you. And that’s when you’ll feel like the worst person in the world. The guilt, the residue of said ugly feelings isn’t worth it. Trust me.

If you make mistakes, if you hurt people who don’t deserve it, learn from it, grow, be better. Do not sink into yourself , don’t hate yourself. Apologize, make amends and move on, try to never do the same thing. It’s okay. We’re all human. The only thing that matters is that you try to be better.

No matter what, remember that I will always love you.              

~~~~

So. Our apartment back in Kansas was, as I told you, a real dump. It had a tiny-ass kitchen with a miniature stove, two mattresses that were creaky and lumpy and were left there by the previous owners, as well as the TINIEST bathroom you’ve ever seen. It didn’t have shower walls, it had a shower head and a drain on the floor and was not in any way separated from the toilet. The walls of the place were peeling, the floor was tiled and cracked in a bunch of places and the humidity must’ve been over 80%.

I fucking loved that place.

On our third day there, I borrowed some spray paints from Cole, carried them in a cardboard box up the claustrophobic, green stairs, and opened the door in absolute triumph. That day, Sam and I opened the two windows, scratched the paint off the walls with two spatulas and went WILD. It must’ve been the only day Sam didn’t study.

Actually, no, now that I think about it, there was another time, when little ol’ ten-year-old Sam fell off a ledge and freakin’ broke his arm. I dumped him on Cole’s bike and pedaled to the hospital like a maniac. That was the first day he didn’t study.

Anyways, that apartment wall made our crappy little living situation a home. Our own sanctuary. We finally got agency over our lives, from staying up late, to choosing which type of dish soap we’d use because it smelled better and didn’t remind us of the terror chores once were. Eventually, we got soft blankets, books, board games, decorations… Finally, after 18 years, we’d started our lives.

I think one of my favorite memories would be coming home from my first date with a guy. I was just 18 and Benny, the dude, kissed me before I left, his fists clutching at my flannel. I was driving home with a giant, dopey-ass smile, stretching from one ear straight to the other. That same night, with new-found confidence, I told Sammy to drop his book, bought ourselves some beers and snacks, and drove to my favorite clearing.

There, right under the stars, with Sammy trying out his first beer, I told him I’m bisexual, and the cute bastard hugged me and told me he loved me no matter what. That same night, he thanked me for everything I did for him while living with John. We talked until the sun was rising.

I’ll tell you this right now, kid, in case you haven’t gotten it yet. I love Sam. Love him to bits. I raised that kid all on my own and will do anything to protect him. I know he cares for me, I know it kills him to see me like this, in a bed, pale, miserable and coughing every three seconds. I just want you to know, honey, that whatever you need, anything at all that, for some reason, you don’t want to tell Dad, you go to Sam, okay? You can trust him to be supportive, loyal, to be there for you when no one else is and to love you like you’re his own daughter and best friend. I promise you, he will always, always be there when I’m not.

That night made us grow so much closer. The lesson here, I’d say, is be bold and confident in what you believe in and who you are. Be your own, unique self, be brave, and love whoever you choose to fully and with your whole heart, without shame, ever. If you are yourself, I promise, you’ll find the people that love you for you, not the person you’re pretending to be. You’ll inspire other to be themselves.

A good example of this would be my best friend, Charlie. When I came out, I was armed to the teeth to deal with whoever wanted to bully me for that part of me. To tell you the truth, my school coming out was a mishap. It takes nothing but a risky make-out session in the janitor’s closet and nosey students that rip doors open far too violently. Nevertheless, I was literally out of the closet, fists up. And that’s exactly when I met Charlie.

With her comic book stories and her books, her bubbly personality and bright smile, she wiggled her way into our lives and permanently stayed there. She was a freshman when I was a senior, but she seemed to find sanctuary by my side, as I did by hers. She was just one of those people who clicked, you know? Far too mature and interesting for her age, with an obsession with computers, even back when they were barely even a thing.

She now lives with her long-term girlfriend, Gilda, who owns the best bakery in the state. Ask for the apple pie, you will not be disappointed.

Charlie demanded of me to tell you, first off, to watch Marvel and screw DC right to hell (with which I have to agree, though Batman still remains one of the coolest Superheroes of my childhood (and Joker, the coolest villain)). She also told me that, if you read this, go ask her for her comics, She’d love to let you borrow them and she’s certain you’ll love them. Second off, she asked of me to tell you the Impala story…

It’s not as grand as she makes it out to be, honestly. However this is the part where you’ll learn all about the one and only Bobby Singer.

Bobby was my boss, an old friend of dad’s John’s and the first person who ever saw the bruises under my sleeves. He gave me a job, a family, and later on… a car.

Bobby owns a scrapyard. He taught me everything I know about cars, including driving, and for my seventeenth birthday, he brought a dusty, beat-up car in my workspace. The hood was bent, the seats were torn, and the engine needed immediate replacing. The customer never paid the price for the compartments the garage had paid, so under store policy, the car was ours.

Hannah, I can’t exactly describe to you how long it took me to repair that car. Buying the spare parts and assembling them would’ve probably taken less time. I built her from the ground up, it took me almost a month and a half of daily, eight-to-six work, but I made it. I fixed her up. She was in prime condition, and I had completely fallen in love with her.

I finished working on her early January, dreading the moment I would see her drive away. Bobby had seen all the effort, by then I’d worked at his place for over a year. So, on the day of my birthday, I opened my locker to put on my jumpsuit, when I saw a box placed on my neatly folded clothes. I’m sure you’ve guessed it by now. Yes. It was the keys to my dream car. A beautiful, sleek, black 1967 Chevrolet Impala, the one I had brought back to life. And it was all mine.

I don’t think I’ve hugged Bobby any tighter since then. Hell, I don’t think I’ve hugged him period.

That car… That car is probably the most stable thing in my life, apart from Sam, obviously. I’ve cried in that car, I’ve escaped from my terrible past, I’ve laughed, I’ve had my first time, I’ve been through breakups and I’ve spent my best days with it. I cherish it more than any other item I know. It’s not even an item, it’s my baby. I love it almost as much as I love you.

I met your dad, and kissed him for the first time in that car.

It’s actually a pretty fucking hilarious story. Cas was on a date with this guy who was completely disgusting and creepy as hell, so in true  movie fashion he decided to, get this, jump out the bathroom window and escape.

Yeah.

So just as he was running out of the bar, the guy must’ve caught wind of him or something, because he stepped outside in order to find Cas. What did your dad decide to do, I hear you ask? He ducked behind a car in the parking lot, opened the first unlocked door he found, and jumped in.

Spoiler alert. It was my car.

I was sitting in the front seat, fighting with Sam through text when the door opened. It was highly comical, watching this guy duck behind the bench seat, mumbling “oh God, oh God, oh God, please don’t see me, oh God.” I cleared my throat.

“Oh, I see you, buddy.” That’s the first thing I told him. The look on his face and the genuine yelp, made me laugh a full belly laugh, and completely forget about my fight with Sam. He apologized profusely, explained panicked what had happened and begged me to stay in my car just for a couple minutes so the guy can lose him.

Long story short, we ended up going out ourselves. I don’t know how to explain it… we just clicked immediately. Like, there was a connection. Him and his big words, his baby blue eyes, his steady, deep and rough voice… I knew right away that all I wanted was to spend time with him, learn everything he was willing to share with me.

I’m so glad to have met your Dad. He was, is and always will be one of the best, kindest, most humble and genuine people on the planet. He sees the world from such a beautiful point of view that contradicts my eternal realism (he enjoys calling me pessimistic.) He’s a genuinely great person, and I can’t wait for you to figure so out yourself, if you haven’t already.

Of course, it wasn’t all fine and dandy. Meeting his parents was hellish. Let’s just say, Chuck and Naomi aren’t… the best people. They tried really, really hard to stop us from seeing each other, and eventually, they completely disowned Cas. He doesn’t like to talk about them much. His brother, Gabriel is an asshole, but a loveable one, while his other brother, Michael, you probably don’t know about. And you shouldn’t. Let’s just leave it at that. If Cas wants to share that story with you, he’ll do it at his own time.

I’m sure there’s a lesson to be learned here. Something about, when finding your person, to keep them, fight for them, don’t stop loving them because everyone else is telling you (unless of course that person is toxic). But I don’t think I can give you solid love advice through a dumb book. Every relationship is different, and your Dad’s better at this than me anyways.

--

I don’t know exactly how long this thing is, by this point, but I’ve almost finished the pages of this booklet. I was really, really worried I wouldn’t finish it in time, but here we are. However many thousand words later, and I’m clueless as to how to wrap this up.

My life isn’t over yet, however it looks like it soon will be. I will confess to you, I’m scared, but most of all I’m angry. I’m angry at the world, at life and fate, if that’s even a thing, at God even. I’ve fought my whole life for peace and quiet, and right when I have found it, it’s being ripped from under my feet. Cancer fucking sucks.

No matter, my chin is up, and so are my fists. Winchesters don’t give up easy. I will fight this until my last breath, even if the chance of watching you grow up and being able to tell you everything I’ve written face-to-face, is nothing but a sliver. After all, impossible odds were always my favorite.

Sweetheart… I don’t know what to say. This might be the only thing you have left of me for the rest of your life, and it tears me up inside. Of course, I will not be able to write thirty five years of experience in a small book such as this, but this is a part of me, memories you can keep all to yourself. Ask Dad or Sam about any of it, I’m sure they’ll fill some gaps, tell you things I haven’t written.

I don’t want you to cry much, even though I’m not sure you will at all, given the fact that you’ve never met me. Either way, whether you feel or think anything of me or not, I want you to know that I love you so much. I’ve only known you for a couple of months, and, already, you’re the brightest ray of sunshine in my life.

I promise I will be by your side no matter what happens, through every milestone and hardship, I will love you from wherever I am.

Honey, please stay true to yourself. Never give up, no matter what curveballs life throws at you. There’s always reason to keep going, even if you can’t see it. Always keep fighting, ‘till your last breath, ‘cause you’re a Winchester and you’ve absolutely got this.

If there is something I want you to remember from the scribbly mess I’ve made, it’s this:

I love you. I’m proud of you. I believe in you.

Go get ‘em, tiger.

 Bonus:

Tears streaming down velvety soft cheeks, dainty fingers gripping the book tightly, like her life depends on it, Hannah stares at the ceiling and groans at the mess she is. It’s the second time she read that last bit, and just as she thought she’d gotten over it, here she is, crying just as hard as the first.

She gets off her bed, pulling on her sweater sleeves. Feet in slippers, she makes her way down the corridor, knocking on the door, and opening when she gets an answer. Her fingers grip the doorknob, the other clutching the book, and she stares at the bed, watching as green eyes look up from his laptop.

“Why did you give this to me, you ass, you’re not dead,” she sobs, and Dean pushes his laptop to the side, arms opening wide to invite her in them.

“Aw honey,” he coos, a gentle, loving smile on his face. Hannah climbs on the bed and slides to his side, curling up in his arms. “It’s okay.” Fingers stroking her hair gently, as sobs wrack through the poor girl’s body. Dean almost feels bad.

Just then, Cas appears in the doorway, having heard Hannah’s cries. He sees the booklet clutched in her arms, her face buried in Dean’s neck, hidden behind her spring-curly hair. He makes eye contact with his husband, a knowing half-smile on his lips, as he leans on the doorway.

“I love you,” Hannah says, nose stuffed and running. “Thank you for not giving up on a relationship with me, even when you didn’t think you’ll survive.” Tears wet Dean’s eyes, as he presses a kiss on the crown of her head.

“I love you too.”

[queer-cosette]

Fred Jones Defence Squad

OK people here are only accepting 2002 movie Fred as canon and completely ignoring every other incarnation of him and to this I say NAE! That’s not my Fred. My Fred is Mystery Inc Fred. My Fred

adored his friends and loved reminding everyone that he just found it so awesome they were friends

blamed himself for something he had no control over because it got someone he cared about hurt

constantly went out of his way to try and impress his father even though his father barely noticed and was a pretty shitty parent

encouraged his friends to do things he thought would make them happy

accidentally flirted with every other person because he was just so darn nice

completely freaked out and blamed himself for Daphne being kidnapped by the Man-Crab even though it wasn’t his fault

chose Daphne’s happiness over going to the prom with a date because he cared so much about their friendship

decided that if it was a choice between being manly or having feelings then he would choose feelings

respected Daphne when he thought she might not share his feelings and told her that even though he wouldn’t stop her from moving on, he wasn’t going to deny that he had feelings for her

admittedly had quite a dumb plan to try and solve his friends’ argument but still tried

gave Shaggy love advice despite having no idea how relationships work but just really wanted to cheer up his friend

got involved with a frat he had no interest in because he wanted to impress his father

did get jealous when Daphne chose to hang out with some other guys but in the end realised and admitted that it was her choice and not his business

got ridiculously happy when she chose him over Odnarb and freaking shouted about how happy and excited he was in a very echoey canyon

“I don’t need Aphrodite’s spell to care about you Daph” um reassuring his girl in the sweetest way possible that his feelings remained true even when he was under a love spell???

had the choice between escaping a deadly trap and living or waiting to die with Daphne who couldn’t escape and chose to free himself and then go back for her because there was no way he was letting Danny Darrow kill one of his friends just to make a point

repeatedly cared more about his friends than his own safety

was so darn excited to meet his hero, this boy is too precious

made a deal with his father that he would give up mystery solving if he couldn’t catch the ‘ghost’ haunting their house

OK the schedule he made Daphne was a bit obsessive but he stopped as soon as she told him that she felt he was being too controlling and also immediately apologised

got invested in planning their engagement party (breaking the male stereotype!!!)

and that was just season 1!!! In season 2

he had so much faith that Daphne would show up to help them that his trap failed

“How long have you guys been standing there?” “Don’t try that. You know the concept of time confuses me.” JESUS CHILD

he attempted to be romantic and attentive because he thought it would make Daphne happy

decided to get therapy. It was his idea. Like, he was living alone with no parents and his friends had their own problems so it was probably his own idea.

continued to treat his friend with respect even after she rejected him because their friendship was more important to him than a romantic relationship (low bar but a lot of guys fail to reach this one even in fiction)

stopped pursuing a relationship with her when she firmly told him no and decided to be content with their friendship (he doesn’t ever bring it up again until she hints that she wants a relationship too)

wanted to give his parents the benefit of the doubt even while planning to double-cross them - right to the end he kept hoping they wouldn’t double-cross him even though he knew it would happen, and kept hoping he wouldn’t have to double-cross them himself

anyone else remember that time he tried to give Sheriff love advice? it was hilarious

but no he actually gave good love advice to Rick Spartan. it was such a sweet moment.

“Doctor Spartan? Call Marian. Call your wife and tell her you love her. And if she feels the same way, do everything in your power to keep her.”

That was such a sweet moment

Also when he got back together with Daphne? literally such a fan fiction moment, the kind of thing you guys go nuts for

“Fred Jones, are you feeling OK?” “Not yet.” *takes her hand* “There. I feel better now.”

He forgave his fake father for all the shit he pulled. Fred Jones Sr probably didn’t deserve forgiveness, but Fred decided he forgave him because in spite of his failings, the Mayor was still the only real father he’d ever known. And since we know that in the time we’ve been with the gang, the Mayor was a pretty shit father, it’s really tragic when you realise that either Fred’s sense of what a good parent is is skewed because at least Mayor Jones never tried to kill him, or Jones really was a good dad at the beginning but became cold and distant as he slowly got more corrupted by the curse.

Also his friendship with Velma is hilarious throughout the whole series. She makes sarcastic comments and he doesn’t understand them. But they’re bros.

“Something’s wrong with my dad. Every day for two weeks now he runs screaming down the hall and ends up sleeping in the yard. Is that normal?” “For your dad? Probably.”

“Nice fur-bib.” “Wait. Rye sense of humour, tinged with a hint of disdain and superiority... Velma?!”

“What is that weirdo doing with her hands?!” “He’s holding them, Fred. It’s what boyfriends do with girlfriends.”

Anyway, during the finale? he offered to go down to give Pericles the fourth key so his friends wouldn’t get hurt.

like, Pericles had his Nazi robots down there. The danger was very very real. It wasn’t just a dude in a mask. Going down there alone meant he would probably be killed as soon as Pericles had the key.

But the gang ultimately realised they were most powerful when they stuck together. They all just love and care about each other so freaking much.

Anyway I’m willing to fight to the death to defend Freddie. Because he’s a precious boy who just wants to build traps to catch criminals with his friends.

[wangquest]

Trans Oral History Project

Back in August I was interviewed for the Trans Oral History Project, and they created a transcript of my interview. As the only person (so far) that they were interviewing who was pursuing a phalloplasty, a lot of our conversation revolved around the medical side of my transition, which I was happy to talk about.

As it’s very long, I’ve put it under a Read More.

Interviewer: This is a oral history project centered on the experiences of trans identifying people. It is August 25, 2018, and this is being recorded at my apartment. So can you tell me a bit about your experiences with accessing medical transitioning? Me: Sure. So, I’ve been very lucky and very privileged with my access to medical transitions. I have a very supportive family--though I wasn’t covered under my parents’ insurance for some of my medical procedures because they were under Texas Blue Cross Blue Shield before the ACA. They had an explicit transgender exclusion, so my family paid for my top surgery and they paid for my hysterectomy which was nice. I wouldn’t have been able to afford it otherwise. So I’m extremely, extremely privileged in that way. My mom came with me to San Francisco when I got my top surgery. She came up here to NYC to sleep on my couch when I had my hysterectomy. That was really good, as it was an extra caretaker. But now I’m getting my phalloplasty and for once I’m now on an insurance that covers it, which is great. The issue is that now I’m learning about the amount of gatekeeping that goes into that. So, for some context, I’m in a unionized job. And because of that they have a very robust health insurance. And because I live New York City we’ve got the human’s rights laws protecting me in New York City. We got human’s rights laws from New York state as well. We’re very covered. Even if federal protection were taken away or stripped away, I’m still definitely going to be covered which is really good. The only issue is that they are asking “Do you qualify for these procedures?” I need to jump through a lot of hoops. I need to have two letters from medical mental health providers. One which is preferably is an MD or PhD. I need to have---at least one of them is supposed to have a specialty in gender therapy. And it’s very hard to find someone who has explicitly a specialty in that. Then I also have to get a letter from my physical healthcare specialist saying basically, “Yeah he’s been on hormones for a while” which is easy for me since I’ve been on them since 2010. So that’s not hard, but the really hard thing is finding all the mental health stuff because there aren’t a lot of the people who are working as gender therapy practitioners and things like that. It’s also really awkward, because therapists who focus on gender dysphoria are usually focused on people who are at the start of their transition. Just coming into their understanding of things. I don’t want to say “far down their transition” because some people don’t want a phalloplasty. And that’s fine, but for people who are in a place where I am who do want it---what am I supposed to say? Most of us has been on hormones for a while. Most of us, have been socially transitioned for a long time. It’s really frustrating to be forced to go through gender therapy at this stage of my life. I joked with my wife, “Can I just send them a picture of my beard or something?” And that’s not saying having a beard is inherently masculine. But what do you want from me to prove you that I’m a guy? When I’ve been socially transitioned and on hormones for over 7 years. Why do you need this extra hoop? Don’t you think I would’ve had second thoughts already? And that’s really frustrating to me. That sort of thing is really frustrating about the insurance requiring these sorts of very specific letters. Interviewer: Do you have to seek out gender therapy on your own? Me: I got a referral. Everyone was really nice and really helpful and stuff like that, but finding someone who specialize in gender therapy and who had open slots was hard. I had to go to Jersey. Especially because I had to have two letters from two separate people. I’m just like, “Why? Why do I need this much proof to show to you?” I just…I don’t know the statistics of how many people seek out a phalloplasty and don’t want it, but I’m pretty sure if you’re gonna go through something that’s this intense you probably know you want it. And that’s really frustrating to me. The nice thing is that my doctor is really cool. I’m going to be with Dr. Curtis Crane who’s very experienced. The really good thing is that his practice is in Austin as well as San Francisco. My mother was very excited about that because she lives near Austin, and so she can see me without having to fly. So she’s very excited about that. So yeah, I’m kind of dealing with that aspect. I’ve been very lucky because of the fact that I used trans friendly doctors a lot so I haven’t had a lot of horror stories of really bad doctor experiences because of the fact that I work with a doctors who are explicitly for LGBTQ communities. But it’s the amount of gatekeeping that’s happening with my insurance now has been really frustrating. So that’s kind of where I’m at there. 

Interviewer: How’s the social and emotional environment seeking phalloplasty or even wanting phalloplasty? 

Me: It’s hard. I knew that when I first kind of started looking into it, though. I mean one of the most famous magazines for transmen was literally called “Original Plumbing.” Which gives an idea of how people view trans guys like me who seek phalloplasty. There’s a lot of stigma and there’s a lot of shame centered around men who want a phalloplasty. There are people who will call them “Franken-penises.” The amount of shitty things that I hear people about them is so much that most phalloplasty facebook groups, most phalloplasty social groups in general, are incredibly secretive. Often you have to prove that you’re in the process of trying to have one because otherwise they’re so inundated with people who basically come in to either gawk and treat you like a freak, or to come in to talk about how phalloplasty is inherently bad. They say things like “they’re just obviously going to be badly done,” and “you’re not going to look right.”

Interviewer: Just to clarify, this includes transmen? 

Me: Oh yeah, this heavily includes transmen. There are a lot of transmen who--for whatever reason—who have decided to be really shitty to people with phalloplasties. And I’m just like, “I don’t know why.” I understand why some people don’t want it for themselves. That’s cool, that’s your own choice, but there’s this weird vitriol against men who decide to get phalloplasties. I think that part of it that the results of phalloplasty used to be less similar to how cis men’s penises look like in the past. There are a lot of people who think that they still look like that, and they still work like that. So some people are either upset that they can’t get one or they see it as people doing something stupid. Then they kind of let that out onto people who are doing them. 

And the thing is, the technology for phalloplasty has actually gotten really good. Like, full sensation is very, very common. It’s almost rare now that you don’t have at least some sensation. There’s a number of different techniques for whatever configuration that you want for your junk. There are still high rates of complications, but they’re usually complications that can be dealt with and can that can be fixed. And they…if what you want is to have genitalia that looks similar to cis man’s they are very good. I’ve looked at pictures and I looked at videos and in person. They look very, very similar to a cis penis. And if that’s something you want, if that helps your dysphoria, then that’s great. And it will help me, it helps my dysphoria to have something like that. That’s what I want, and it’s just really frustrating to me that there’s so much stigma and animosity against it. There are just a lot of people who view as this procedure as “why are you trying? Because it’s not ever going to look right.” And it’s like one, you’re never going to know what I want. Don’t talk to me about looking right. And two, if what you mean by looking right is looking cis then actually yeah, you can get that. That’s not an impossibility. That’s my screed.

Interviewer: So you’re talking about phallo, and we’re just gonna talk a little more about the other medical procedures trans masc people go through.

Me: Yeah sure. So, I had a laparoscopic total abdominal hysterectomy, so I only had four tiny little…incisions that were each 5 millimeters long, and they were on my stomach. One was in my belly button and one is a little bit above my belly button. Then there were two on the sides of my belly button. They basically just used a robot blender to cut things up very, very fine and then took it all out. So I didn’t even stay overnight. I walked out afterword. It was a full complete cleaning out. It got rid of all the organs in the area like the cervix, ovaries, uterus, and fallopian tubes. And after I just walked out. I waddled out, let’s be honest. Then I was walking around within a few days. I had to wear sweatpants for like a week. And that was basically the entirety of my recovery because it was all internal damage. So the recovery was easier in a lot of ways because it was mostly just the fact that you’re just getting a lot of internal trauma due to the laparoscopic nature of it. But it heals pretty quickly, and it heals pretty easily in most cases. At least my case. I actually got it for a lot of different reasons. Partially because I didn’t want kids. I didn’t want kids biologically, and I didn’t want kids period. So it wasn’t really a loss for me. I have friends who are trans dudes who have kids while by pausing their testosterone temporarily, and they were fine. I have one friend who has two kids that he had with his trans partner, which was like awesome and great for them. I have a cat, and that’s all I really need. But one of the really big things for me was the risks of internal atrophy. So testosterone will often, I think it’s a 45% chance or so, have a rate of causing uterine and vaginal atrophy. Which means that you can get some internal spasms. You can sometimes get issues with fibers growth similar to PCOS--they’re not exactly the same--on like your various organ parts. And that can cause pain or that can cause issues down the line. So it’s the sort of thing where if you want to keep your organs there are ways to do that, and there are ways to mitigate those effects. I didn’t really look into them because if I didn’t really see any reason not to take them out. Atrophy is also an issue that isn’t just about internal organs. Atrophy also occurs on the genitalia due to testosterone. The problem with that is you get little fissures, like little tiny fissures internally and externally on your junk. The problem with it is that the traditional way to treat it, like when you go to the doctors, is that they say, “Well we usually use topical estrogen to treat that” because it occurs in women who have low estrogen. And I was like, “Ok but no.” Some guys use it and they’re fine with it, that’s totally chill. That’s fine. But in my case scent is very important to me, and it does change your general scent to something that’s not going to be testosterone related. For me, that is just like a 100% hell no. So I did some research, and I learned that you can treat it externally if you use a silicone lube that has vitamin E in it. So I use Uber Lube. I feel like I’m doing product placement now, but you can use a small amount of it and do it every night on your junk, and it made it so I wasn’t getting fissures anymore because the vitamin E was helping with elasticity and stuff like that and the moisture helped with any dryness issues so that was really nice. So that’s what I would suggest if you’re having that kind of issue and you don’t want to use the traditional topical estrogen method. It’s frustrating because those are the things we never get talked to about. If you take testosterone you’ll grow a beard, and you’ll like sweat more, and you’ll have this stuff and that stuff. No one talks about how you might develop atrophy. Like, no one talked to me about this. It’s not like it would’ve changed my decision to get on hrt, but it would’ve been cool to be prepped! [laughter] Also, I know some guys will sometimes do stuff where they keep an ovary in or something like that because they want the option to being produce estrogen if they choose to go off testosterone or something like that. Because the problem is you do need one of the two hormones. You need to have estrogen or testosterone in your system to be healthy. So if you ever choose to go off testosterone when you’ve had a full hysterectomy that includes taking an ovariectomy and everything you really do need to start take a type of hormone. Like you need to take estrogen or you need to take testosterone even if it might be in lower amounts or something. That’s why people have issues when they go into menopause; they’re not getting enough of one of those hormones. For top surgery, I don’t know. I feel like my advice for top surgery is the same advice I have for any major surgery ever. Which is that there are these little patches for anti-nausea that you put them behind your ear, and they work for three days or so. The medications that you get for pain killers will make you nauseated. So my doctor made sure I had one of those on for my first week after surgery, and I never had nausea issues. Thinking about how much, you know, stuff was probably going on with my chest at the time because I just had a major surgery, I mean, I lost four pounds. [Laughter] I was very large chested, and if I ever had to throw up during that time it would have really sucked. And I was on a lot of Percocet. My poor mother. I was so demanding because I was extremely high on all the pain meds. In those first three days I’d be like, “Give me tea!” and my mom would be like, “I literally just put a cup of tea next to you” and I was like, “A different tea!”. And I threatened to—oh god—whenever she would do something and it wasn’t fast enough I would threaten to squirt her with my drains. She was like, “One: Ew. Two: You literally can’t squirt people with your drains. They’re not pressurized where you can squirt things. You just empty them into a sink. They’re not pressurized into a thing that is possible,” But I was just silly. I was like, “I don’t know, I’ll make it happen. I’ll make physics do what I want.” Which leads me to, if you can, if you have top surgery, or you have a surgery like phalloplasty, or even a metoidioplasty or anything like that, have someone who’s a caretaker that you know because you’re going to be real high at first. You need someone who loves you, or at least is a friend who won’t want to murder you after those first few days where you’re going to be real high and real helpless. I’m very lucky that I had my mom, and now I have my wife with me. My biggest concern for her is caregiver fatigue. One of the reasons I’m happy my family is there too. My sister is there, who is a doctor, which is great. There’s my mom, you know, and there’s my dad. There’s people there who can take some of the burden off of her and give her social interaction that I won’t be able to do if I’m in the middle of healing and stuff like that, so I really want to make sure that she’s not having all the pressure on her. Once again, this is one of those things that demonstrates my privilege. I’m incredibly privileged. I have a family who will help. A lot of people don’t, and that’s a big privilege that I have. I have the funds to be able to travel, all the way down to Texas for my surgery to get the doctor that I really wanted. I have a job that gives me 3 months of paid time off. That’s a huge privilege. These are all things that like having to balance different aspects of your life. This is why we have so many GoFundMes for procedures like this, and that’s why I always try to give to those GoFundMes because there’s a lot of privilege that comes with my personal interactions with these procedures. Because of the support network that I have, because of the monetary situation that I’m currently in, and there are a lot of people who can’t get the treatments that they need because of the fact that they don’t have the funds. Even though they’re being covered by insurance, right? They’re being covered by insurance, but are they being covered by the time off they’ll need for optimal healing? The worst complications happen in the first two months. So I’m able to be right by my doctor for the first two months, but a lot of people can’t be. They have to go right back home because they have to go to work soon. That’s a lot, that’s a lot. And having a dedicated caregiver, having my wife there, having someone who has a job that can allow her to be with me. Because of the fact she’s a cartoonist and writer who can move her job because she works from home. That’s huge. So that’s the sort of thing that I feel like if there’s anything that I’d advise to people who are friends with trans people who are going through surgery or something like that, to reach out and try to offer help. Even if it’s just like, “I will make you dinner” or “I will come and be with you and be present with you for like a day” or something. A lot of people don’t have the support network that I do, don’t have an ongoing relationship that I do. And allowing them to have that is important. I know that I’m going to be asking for that from friends of mine who live in the area of Texas that can come hangout with, my wife. I love her a lot and she’s going to be having a lot of stress, a lot of burden, and I don’t want her to be isolated. The fact that she’s willing to do all this is huge and I’m very lucky to have her. 

It’s gonna be a very big procedure. It’s one of the things also that I feel very lucky that I’m with someone who is so okay with all this. I’m not doing this for her. I’m doing this for my own dysphoria. And I feel very lucky that I’m with someone who likes my penis now and is excited about my penis later [laughter] and doesn’t have kind of issues with either. And yes, part of that is the fact that she doesn’t have genital preferences so she’s like, “I don’t care” and that’s a comforting thing with our relationship. But it’s not true for everybody. So some people have to not only having to process this all by themselves, they’re also having to process their partner’s emotions and dealing with that so it’s harder on them there too. So I feel very lucky that she’s gung ho for all kind of wang…That’s probably not the best way of putting it. It was funny when I was in the doctor’s office. He’s a cis man, but he’s been doing this for quite a while. And one of the things that I saw when I was reading up on him was that people were like, “Well he seems very callous” but I think it’s because he has a sense of humor about it at this point. His bedside manner was exactly what I needed. It was great because we were talking about it, and one of the things we talked about was why am I getting RFF I’m getting. Which is good for people who are heavier because I’m a little heavier. He mentioned one of the reasons why it’s good that we’re doing that is because if I was doing ALT (taking from the thigh instead of the forearm) there might be issues with a bit of a “coke can” problem where it would be a little bit too girthy because of my weight. So he was like, “I’m glad that you want that because I think that’s the best for you.” And he just gestures at my partner who’s in the room with me saying, “It’ll be good for you and it’ll be best for her” and it was just this really funny moment. I can understand why some people would be like, “That’s very cavalier to be saying something like that” but it made it feel like it was less stressful. It was the sort of moment like, “Yep, this is the the moment where we acknowledge that we’re talking about penises.” We all know that at one point my intention is to use it with my partner, and no one is awkwardly avoiding that fact. I think her response to him saying that she wouldn’t want something massively large was actually, “You don’t know me.” which was really funny. She was like, “You don’t know me.” And he conceded that point and we all laughed. So relationship wise I feel I really lucked out with her. She’s so supportive throughout our relationship. I talked to her early on that this was something I’d probably want years ago, but it was always the sort of the thing where I wanted it to get to the point where I felt comfortable with how far the technology has gotten. Even just comparing the last 5 years phalloplasties have gotten better and better. Success rates have been higher. Glansplasties becoming more common were a big thing for me. For me, aesthetics are very important, and aesthetically a glansplasty is really, really beneficial. Medical tattooing is also a thing that I’m going be doing to give proper coloration and such. I was like, “Can you do medical tattooing before sensation comes back?” and the response was “not usually”. I was like, “Oh no that’ll be terrible.” But I’ll deal. The only problem is going to the laser places. These aren’t people who are used to doing one arm. Just one of your arms. It’s just always awkward because they’re always like, “Well don’t you want the other arm?” And I have to say, “No this is for a medical procedure.” Sometimes they push to try to get an answer that’s more detailed and sometimes they don’t. The ones that push I’m like, “It’s for a penis…it’s for a penis, ok?” and that will make them stop pushing at me. But I usually don’t want to open with, “It’s gonna be a penis!” You don’t need to know that about my life, stranger. So now I’ve got this thing where I’m walking around with one arm that’s bare because I’ve been doing lasers and electrolysis so I don’t have a wooly wang. It’s really funny looking. I think that having a sense of humor about something that’s scary is helpful for me. I was rubbing lotion on my arm after a particularly painful electrolysis session and my wife was helping me with it. And I was like, “Is this basically a handjob from the future?” and she replied with saying fondly, “You’re going to be a penis soon, it’ll be good” and pats my arm. I was like, “Thank you for talking to it. Confirming its desires.” And she nods sagely and said, “Yeah it knows…someday”. 

I do comment sometimes that I feel like I’m getting this phallo partially for dysphoria sake and partially so that I can make a lot of dick jokes now. So many dick jokes. And that is why we’re all here today. 

Interviewer: I think just a question you’d like to…especially since we’re talking about transman issues and you’ve been giving a lot of advice. Is there anything…doesn’t have to be medically related or even trans related really. Is there anything you’d like people a little bit younger than you to hear? Me: I guess one of the biggest things is that I realized that I was trans when I was 18 but I didn’t start socially transition to living my life as a man until I was 23. And the reason why was because I thought I wouldn’t look right so people would never see me as a man. I think that my biggest advice would be: People look all sorts of ways. Cis people too! You don’t have to look a certain way to be a guy or girl or whatever. This is especially for people who are binary identified because I think this is a big fear of a lot of binary identified men and women. I think there are a lot of people who are scared to transition because they feel they’ll never be seen as a “real man” or a “real woman.” But trans people are real. Even if you do not look like what you perceive a cis person “should look like” that doesn’t matter. Also you’d be surprised. People don’t necessarily look at someone and immediately try to decide whether or not they’re trans or not. Like being short. There are short cis dudes all over the place. Or maybe you’re a trans woman who’s butch and you’re like, “But if I transition will people really think I’m a woman because I’m butch? Do I suddenly have to wear frilly clothes all the time?” There are plenty of butch cis ladies. Like you can be a butch trans woman. You can be a femme gay trans dude. I know examples of both of these, and there’s no one way to be a man or a woman. There’s no cookie cutter sort of way of how you have to look like. There’s no height that you’re supposed to be. There’s no amount of facial hair that you have to have. I know plenty of guys who are cis men who can’t grow a beard, and I know plenty of cis women with mustaches. These are not things that mean you’re a man or a woman. If I could have gone back in time and told myself when I was 18 that I could’ve been happier and healthier by transitioning when I realized what my gender was instead of feeling so scared that people would reject me or that I wouldn’t look the right way. I really wish I could because I 1) Was really having a lot of stress and upset feelings during that time that I could’ve avoided. 5 years of me basically knowing that I trans and being really upset about it. And 2) I also missed out on things. Like one of my friends, the first thing he said when I came out as a man was, “I’m really sad you didn’t come out during college about being a guy because I would’ve been so excited about having you as a frat brother.” I know that he’s telling the truth because of the fact that there’s another trans dude in our friends group, who he did in fact have in his frat house. And this wasn’t a really one of those shitty frats, it was basically the nerd frat which is why I had so much crossover. It was absolutely full of nerds. They were really nice. And I could have had that experience, I could have had the sort of connection with him that I don’t get to have because I chose to not be myself because I was so scared. And so I think that my biggest caveat is “if it is safe,” because if it’s not safe that’s an understandable thing. If you don’t feel safe to be open about your gender, that’s ok. But I was in a very safe environment, I was in a liberal college, I have liberal family. I would’ve been ok. I was scared about ridicule, and I was scared that people would think that I wasn’t good enough. It wasn’t a safety thing for me, and I feel like I could’ve had a less stressful 5 years. So I guess my biggest thing is don’t be scared that you won’t be good enough. It’s ok, especially as people understand trans people a lot more now. And I also get that we have a very scary environment right now because of current politics. So if you are scared because of that, that is valid. But if you have a safe environment that you can transition in, and you’re worried that you won’t be good enough at being whatever gender you are; you are. There’s no one way to be a man or a woman. So I guess that’s what my big final piece of advice would be. 

[makeste]

BnHA Chapter 032: Round 1 Brackets

Previously on BnHA: Shouto told Deku about his tragic past of being abused by his shitty parents. Unbeknownst to them, Kacchan was secretly listening in. Shouto basically figured out that All Might is Deku’s dad, but let it slide. Deku declared war on Shouto, but this being a shounen manga, it actually just means they’re friends for life now. Endeavor was cancelled. Mineta was cancelled, again. The final event of the festival was announced, and it’s a good old-fashioned tournament bracket, so I am loving life right now.

Today on BnHA: Ojiro and another dude drop out of the tournament due to having been mind-controlled by Shinsou in the previous round. The round one matchups are announced. Deku finds himself facing off with Shinsou right off the bat. Ojiro warns Deku not to do anything stupid and get himself mind-controlled. The match begins. Deku immediately does something stupid and gets himself mind-controlled.

(As always, all comments not marked with an ETA are my unspoiled reactions from my first readthrough of this chapter. I’ve read up through chapter 68 now, so any ETAs will reflect that.)

I should be in bed but here I am!! come to see who’s paired up against whom for round one of the tournament!

Ojiro, I think I’ve been misspelling your name as “Ojuro” on several occasions. good thing I don’t think I’ve posted any of those recaps yet lol

(ETA: I had indeed misspelled it, and I went back and changed them all, so basically I almost got away with it, and now here I am calling my own self out. smh)

look at Ojiro and his solid beefy tail

there’s not really much to this guy so far

I can’t believe he made it to the third event honestly

he has problems with sitting. sucks, my friend

on to the chapter!

...am I to understand that we were this close to having everyone fight each other with foam swords, then?

I can’t fucking believe all we got was a stupid tournament

THE MATCHES WILL BE DECIDED BY ~RANDOM LOTS~ ONCE AGAIN

all I know is that Shouto will make it to the finals and fight either Kacchan or Deku, probably Deku

disclaimer: I don’t actually know, I’m just running my mouth

do we really have to sit through some other random activity before the main event

OH!!! TWIST!!!

Ojiro is dropping out?? why

GASP

he says he doesn’t remember anything about the cavalry battle at all. fucking knew it. MIND CONTROL

so he feels like he didn’t earn his place

in reality his quirk is just too boring to make for an interesting one-on-one fight. he’s better suited to background action. no offense Ojiro, I’m just being 100% real here, son

the girls are trying to convince him to stick around, but he says it’s a matter of pride. eh, if it were me I’d stay in the game and try to get back at the mind control guy during the tournament, but eh. he seems kind of shaken up, honestly, so maybe this is better for him in the end.

aww. Ojiro. looks like you need a hug, buddy. why does everyone in this fucking arc need a hug

just to keep things even, this little roly poly from class B is withdrawing too

godspeed, little man

Midnight’s like, eh whatever

doesn’t this fuck up the brackets, though? now they have 7 and 7. does someone get a bye in round one then? I guess they can determine that with the random lots too. hopefully whoever gets the byes won’t suddenly get all noble like these two idiots

oh, we’re not going to do byes but we’re going to replace the two that didn’t make it

YEAH GIVE IT TO STEEL RYOHEI AND POISON IVY

WOOHOO. SORRY OJIRO BUT THIS IS MUCH BETTER

TIME TO SCAN THE BRACKETS TO FIND MY SONS

BAKUGOU’S FIGHTING OCHAKO??? NOOOOOOOOOO

fuck this means one of my favorites will be eliminated right off the bat

lmao Kiri and Tetsu got matched up right from the get go

damn, Momo has to go up against Tokoyami. that one’s gonna be good

no idea who Aoyama is fighting

(ETA: lmao it was Mina. for some reason I hadn’t processed her last name)

Iida’s going up against Mei. good luck Iida

Kami vs Shiozaki... I think that must be the Poison Ivy chick? interesting

Todoroki vs Sero... nice knowing you Sero

and lastly... DEKU VS MIND CONTROL MAN

oh my god. can we, uh. just skip ahead to that one. !!!!!

also, Deku and Todoroki out here fucking up my predictions right from the start. the two of you had to be in the same bracket half. just had to be

wonder who’ll end up winning it all and facing off against my girl Ochako :’D

lol I can dream

this guy has “future villain” written all over him tbh

(ETA: I should just stop assuming that new characters are going to be villains. I don’t think I’ve been right about a single one yet.)

I assume the only reason he didn’t make it into the hero course is because he couldn’t use his mind control against the robots. sure, he could have possessed his fellow examinees instead, but they probably would have retained any points that they “earned” under his control

I wonder if the bags under his eyes are just a character design thing or if they actually reflect something about his character/personality/quirk. like is he an insomniac or something

he must have to do something in order to control people, right? maybe don’t let him touch you at any point, Deku

Ojiro’s warning him not to talk to him. I wonder if it’s less mind control and more hypnosis, in which case maybe if Deku blocks his ears or something... idk

lmao Bakugou literally has no idea who he’s fighting

Ochako knows though, oh damn

I believe in you!!  but be careful though orz

“are you Iida?” “indeed I am Iida.” take it easy on this middle aged bloke, okay Mei

oh good, we’re skipping all of this

hopefully even the anime will skip it, since BnHA doesn’t seem to believe in fillers and time-wasting!

LOOK AT IIDA CHUG THAT OJ

GET THAT VITAMIN C BOI

also Ojiro appears to be talking to Deku, and Deku looks like he’s mildly freaking out. is he freaking out because OH NO TOURNAMENT, or because Ojiro is telling him what Shinsou can do? given how well he’s managed with the first two events, I’m guessing it’s the latter, or else he wouldn’t be looking so disturbed

okay I actually do like this picture of the girls cheerleading though

just because Hagakure, Mina, and Ochako look really into it, and Momo and Jirou are just like, blargh. and Tsuyu is an enigma to me

TOURNAMENT TIME

Cementoss is building the ring for them all!

wow it looks really good

I wouldn’t quite say they’ve been through “hell”... actually it was a lot less hellish than I thought it would be

is Deku in the first round? I guess they go from left to right

ALL MIGHT CAME TO GIVE HIM A PEP TALK YAAAAAY

he’s giving Deku a thumbs up and says he’s finally getting the hang of One for All

Deku says he still has trouble controlling it and it makes him nervous, like one false step could still fuck him up

well good. narratively, I like this level of control. it keeps each move risky, but also doesn’t necessarily mean that he’ll end up incapacitated at the drop of a hat

wow. All Might says that right now Deku can only handle 5 percent of One for All’s true power

you know we’re getting into some real shounen shit when we start talking about power percentages

Deku says he’s just gotten lucky with everything so far, and All Might’s response may just be his most dadlike behavior yet

I love it. the awkward pat on the back (head? shoulder?). the affectionate nickname. and the genuine compliment, because you know All Might admires the shit out of Deku’s hard work ethic

and he’s telling him to smile, especially when he’s feeling nervous or scared. because you’re a big damn hero, Deku! you got this my man!

here we goooooo

not even Present Mic the mighty chatterbox can think of anything to say about Shinsou. bang-up observation about Izuku’s weird face, though

so now the question is, does Deku know about Shinsou’s quirk or not?

typical tournament rules: knock your opponent out of the ring, immobilize them, or make them cry uncle

yikes, they’ve got Recovery Girl on standby for this one. well at least they’re taking things seriously. but that means shit’s about to get lit the fuck up

“fight dirty if you must” how fucking heroic. I guess that’s the part where they test everyone’s willingness to get into the nitty-gritty huh

although they do say that going for the kill is frowned upon, and Cementoss will supposedly stop you (uh huh. just like All Might was going to “stop” Bakugou in chapters 9 and 10, I assume)

oh shit. this means Shinsou can win just by making Deku say that he quits... I think that’s what this is hinting at:

(ETA: I actually don’t know why he didn’t just have Deku say “I give up” rather than making him walk out of the ring. maybe he can’t control speech? but at any rate, on my reread I realized just how sneaky Shinsou is being here by trying to get Deku to answer him before the match has even started.)

Deku he called poor Ojiro a monkey. punch him in the face please

Deku’s making a face at that

and he’s charging in!!

-- uh oh

WHAT’S FUCKING HAPPENING DAMMIT

and Ojiro’s saying that he warned him

shit. Deku looks like he’s completely under his control already

aaaaaand the chapter ends

well shit

BONUS:

this girl looks exactly like Matsuoka Gou from Free!. it’s fucking uncanny

like I seriously want to get a picture and compare them side by side

you know what, never mind though, because while I was combing through google image search for a good pic, I kept getting distracted by pictures of Rin. why is he so pretty

what the hell was I doing again

oh yeah

anyways so Kendou here is apparently the class representative from class B. good for you girl. I wonder what her quirk is

there’s not much else to her aside from her being a motorcycle-loving coffee-drinking class rep who looks like Gou lol

but I hope we’ll get to see more of her

[anxious-depressed-cool-loser]

I hope you’re ready buds, because it’s freaking rant time. 

My job is freaking awful and ridiculous! I’ve been at this stupid place for almost a year now and all I’ve gotten out of it is a few bucks and serious mental issues. The crew members are treated like shit and are expected to work like robots with no breaks for food or the bathroom. And they expect you to be freaking happy about it, like you owe them for all the good things they do for you. 

Basically we can’t keep any of the GOOD workers because they won’t sit around and take this shit, and I wouldn’t either if my freaking parents weren’t so prideful and refuse to let me ‘be a quitter’ or whatever the hell that’s supposed to mean. Thankfully I’ll be moving to another city for college soon and then I can leave this job and get away from my strange parents.

Anyway, so the day shift(which I always work on) basically has a total of four people and it is only a matter of time until those people quit as well. This is a fast food place guys, we literally go through over five hundred people in the three hours of our lunch rush. It’s physically impossible for only four people to run a restaurant and to get orders out within a ninety second amount of time. And yet the higher up bosses always come to our store and basically tell us how shitty we are as workers and we’re not worth what they’re paying us. Just today, I was making all of the sandwiches (for lobby AND drive through) completely by myself. Needless to say I had to suffer through a panic attack quietly because there wasn’t time to give me a moment to let it pass. 

And the customers around where I live? Absolute asses. They get pissed off when they don’t get their food in under two minutes. And despite the fact that they are informed that there is only ONE sandwich maker and only FOUR people on duty, they still get offended when their food is ready and there for them in one minute. I understand if you are in a hurry, but I am and always will try my damnedest to get you out of the store as quickly as I can.

Because there are so few of us on day crew, and at least two of those people have to leave at 2:30 because they’ve been there since 6:30 in the morning, I eventually had to cover sandwiches AND drive through at the same exact time. I’m freaking exhausted and this happens every time I go to work...

Anyway...sorry about all the whining guys! I do want to say thank you to those people who WERE patient and kind about the whole thing. Really, there are always a few people that stand up for me and I so appreciate it. Those people are honestly angels and we fast food people really, really can’t thank you guys enough. 

Anyway, that’s the end of my rant. Sorry about the swearing, though I do feel much better after doing it. :P Okay, I’ll be queuing up so more of my legacy so keep an eye out! Love you all! <3

[sheepydraws]

And So They Lived (6/6)

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 

Ulrich pretty much just dropped into bed by the time they got back to their room, but after his mid-freak out nap earlier and the late dinner that Jeremie had squirreled away for him Odd was too wired for sleep. He sat down at his desk and rummaged around for his favorite pen and a fresh notebook. It was spiral bound with a flimsy cardboard cover. Odd dicked around for a few minutes, scratching his name into the purple cover and then the eye of XANA under it, but he was stalling. He knew where he had to begin.

I brought my dog to school with me because I was afraid that I wouldn’t have any friends here. I have plenty now, but only because I brought Kiwi and Ulrich had the balls to dognap him.

Odd wrote all night. He kept expecting to reach a stopping point, but the words kept coming. Perhaps it was because he didn’t just include XANA attacks. He wrote what the world thought really happened, too. He wrote about Sissi, and the shitty things she did to them, and the shitty things they did to her. He spent more ink than he would care to admit on Yumi and Ulrich’s ‘let’s fight-let’s fuck’ relationship. He wrote about William and his betrayal. He wrote right through Lyoko’s final summer as they took everything apart piece by piece.

Something strange happened. A narrative emerged. Events took on a shape. Days didn’t just end, arcs did. Things didn’t just change, they grew. When he stopped to explain what he thought were simple things to someone who might not understand, stuff he had never stopped to think about finally made sense to him. He knew it all sounded crazy, but as a story it was a pretty cool one. He remembered that it had been an adventure.

He finished the dismantling of the supercomputer and the scanners sometime around one in the morning. Then he kept going. He wrote about school, and Elizabeth, and trying to live without Lyoko, and how it should have been easy. He got a bit disgusting and sappy, and may have made some terrible metaphors about Elizabeth’s eyes and the night sky, and he might have cried a bit about how it was never going to be the same between him and his best friends, but they were always going to be his best friends, whether anyone else remembered all they had done for him or not.

Ulrich woke him at seven. He was hunched over his desk, drooling on his own hand.

“I have to give this to Elizabeth.” He said before he had even sat up, although it probably came out more like, “I hafta givisss t’Lizze.”

“What?” Ulrich said as his head popped out the neck of the sweater he was pulling on.

“I said, ‘I love you’.”

Ulrich had just kicked off his pajama pants and stood there in his boxers for a minute, staring at Odd. Then he smiled. “Yeah. I love you, too.”

In the cafeteria Odd wolfed down two bowls of cereal and a hot chocolate before Elizabeth arrived. He got up and caught her before she had even gotten in the food line.

“Here.” He said, and he placed the notebook in her hands. “It’s everything.”

She idly flipped through the first few pages and then kept flipping. “Whoa.” She said. “It-“ She stopped on a certain page. “Am I in this?”

“Of course.” Odd said.

She closed the notebook and clasped it to her chest for a minute. She had this little smile that Odd though was going to turn into a laugh, but it became a kiss instead. Not a long kiss, not when Elizabeth was blocking the cafeteria door, and Ulrich, Jeremie, and Aelita needed to be kept from cardiac arrest, but a good one.

“Is that why you’ve been so crazy?” Ulrich said the second Odd was sitting down again. “You’ve been falling for Sissi?”

Odd gave him a mysterious smile. Then, because he hated that kind of bullshit, he said, “It’s why I wasn’t in our room last night.”

Ulrich’s eyes bugged out while Jeremie and Aelita laughed.

“You realize,” Jeremie said, “That once Yumi gets here, you’re going to have to tell us everything.”

“Yeah. I think I can manage that.”

It is impossible to separate this movie from the chaos caused by its trailers. Last year instead of the laughably bad slew of christmas movies everyone seemed to be talking about a trailer that had premiered along side “To The Top” (a movie whose only discerning feature is having ten percent on rotten tomatoes). It was rather tricky to discuss, though, since the trailer did not reveal a plot, title, or release date. It seemed like an advertisement for a boarding school, complete with bored student volunteers, bad lighting, and bland pop songs. The camera recording this waste of tuition runs low on battery and is shuffled around before being plugged in, at which point the screen slowly goes white and a symbol flickers across it before disappearing. Aside from a slide with the words ‘coming soon’ that was the trailer in it’s entirety.

People started talking, but thanks to hefty non-disclosure agreements, no one came forward to explain what was going on. The second and third trailers appeared almost simultaneously a month later, and caused even more confusion. One looked like a sci-fi thriller, the other a young adult romance. However, they shared the same title, Code Lyoko, and the setting and symbol from the first trailer.

Finally, writer and director Odd Della Robbia casually mentioned that he was behind the project while doing an interview with Teen Vouge. The director is best known for his work on Buried in Stars the sleeper hit of the summer movie season two years ago, best described as the surrealist, most vividly technicolor rom-com to ever grace the big screen. When the interviewer asked about the discrepancy between all three trailers, as well as the secrecy that surrounded filming, Della Robbia responded with,

“When I pitched Code Lyoko the first thing they said was, ‘How are we gonna market this? Is it a heartwarming coming of age story or a YA sci-fi thriller?’ and I said, ‘If I can’t convince you it’s both by the end of this, then we might as well scrap the whole project.’ I guess audacity still counts for something.”

‘Genre defying’ is a greatly overused compliment, and in my opinion, it dismisses the importance of genre. There’s something to be said for going into a horror movie and getting a horror. Of course playing too tightly to a genre’s guidelines without shaking something up can be dull, but so can a movie that tries too hard to include many different elements without properly following through on any of them. Code Lyoko, however, does manage to step outside genre lines without over-burdening itself trying to be three stories at once.

Della Robbia deftly mixes over the top action and teenage drama with the keen eyes of someone who has been there before. Though the movie follows several different threads, the core of the story is the small group of friends it follows, and Della Robbia never forgets that. Unlike Della Robbia’s work so far the style is simple and sharp, the colors muted and the lighting high contrast. Even the virtual world of Lyoko, which is a bit brighter and more cartoony, has graphics simplified to the point where they are almost cubist in feel.

This serves the plot well. The main conflict at the beginning of the movie is that Walter (played by John Beck) finds an abandoned computer, which contains a virtual world and Gemma (Gina Pedroza), a young girl who claims that she is a real person who is unable to devirtualize. Walter makes it his mission to fix this, and accidentally begins recruiting people to help his cause. Unfortunately, keeping the computer on so that Walter can attempt to understand the code that will free Gemma allows another program in the computer known as ZENAT to wreak havoc on the outside world. While this could be a movie all on it’s own, the group’s interactions with each other, as well as their parents and other students, along with several satisfying twists, completely fill out the story and make it unforgettable.

Interestingly, the technology examined in Code Lyoko bears a striking resemblance to advances in virtual reality being proposed by Nintendo that are currently being developed in a team with Aelita Schiffer and Jeremie Belpois [Article Here], and though the technology isn’t the  showcase here, it is rather shocking to think that this film could theoretically happen in five years time. Although that is not the only element that lends Code Lyoko uncanny realism.

The mixture of high school drama and thwarting an evil invasion shouldn’t work this well outside of an after school cartoon, and it’s not just the depth that Della Robbia gives all the story lines, as well as the fantastic acting, which allows these seemingly dissonant themes to gel. In a subsequent interview with The New Yorker after the film’s release Della Robbia said, “I remember when I first asked my wife to read a draft of the story. As soon as I gave it to her I started to overthink. She told me she liked it, but I said, ‘There’s kids fighting giant robots!…Are you sure I shouldn’t take it out? Or make it a metaphor for standardized testing or something?’ and she said, ‘When I think about high school I don’t think about taking standardized tests, I think about fighting monsters.’ so she saved the monsters.”

By injecting it with sci-fi terror Della Robbia has stripped the fantasy from teenage coming of age stories, allowing it to resonate long after you leave the theater. Five stars.

[sunnydalebimbo]

2, 3, 8, 9!

Sorry for the long reply but I got all excited and also I felt really bad for taking so long!

2. I have such mixed feelings on Season 6. On the side of bad, Season 6 is basically the beginning of Giles very extreme character assassination, and I hate that, because he’s our dad and really don’t think Giles would ever abandon Buffy when she was hurting so much. I also don’t want to think he’d abandon Dawn, who’s fifteen years old and is going to suffer incredibly much if Buffy falters. And then we have the combination of the fridge your woman and bury your gays trope in having Tara die horrible as a motive for Willow to go dark. Which, going above and beyond in the shitty department, they also have Willow spend the first half of the season abusing Tara! Xander and Anya’s, and Willow and Tara’s, and Spike and Buffy’s relationship all end in some horrific way that’s a complete disservice to everyone involved and I hate it. However, on the side of good, Tara is lovely and strong and so compassionate this season. I adore the early season Spike and Dawn interactions, and Buffy and Spike really do have some good moments pre-Seeing Red. Normal Again is such an interesting episode, and minus the Tara fridging and total rework of previously establish laws of magic, I think Dark Willow is a super interesting villain. It’s another moment of Buffy having to fight someone she loves, but totally unlike her situation with Angelus and Faith. The season 6 finale is also another tear jerker, especially the scene with Xander talking down Willow and Buffy wanting to show Dawn the world. And I will give it to Warren, I hate him in a way no other Buffyverse villain can compare to, and he genuinely frightens me in that people like him exist. We all know people like him. The concept of “real life is the villain”, while not always well executed, is super cool too!!! God, and the moment of Spike getting his soul? The deep voice over of “your soul” as Spike screams gives me chills every time. Nothing can compare to the feelings the scene evokes.

3. Icky. I know that’s vauge, and I think season 7 has some really great moments and the finale is satisfying, most of the season feels bad. Not in the way that seaosn 6 feels bad, because watching characters you love struggle aches like a phantom limb, but feels bad in the way watching your beloved character do horrible things and act out of character hurts. I do really like Robin though, and it’s nice that Buffy and Spike work through some of their issues. Also I think Xander is at his best in this season, at least until he throws out Buffy. And Faith!!! I love to see her. The exploration of the first slayer, Sineya, was cool as well, and it felt satisfying to see Buffy acknowledge that what happened to Sineya wasn’t her fault, and that she deserved better. Lies My Parents Told Me and also all of Spike and Andrew’s interactions made the season not wholly terrible. But also it may be my least favorite of all the seasons.

8. I can’t bring myself to rewatched Seeing Red or Wild at Heart for a third time. Seeing Red is just so fucking brutal and it sends me into a spiral every time. I’m generally a giant baby, but I really can’t do anything other than lay down in the dark and be sad afterwards. Tara’s death and that scene are a complete unforgivable double whammy. Also I heard the actors involved in that scene were uncomfortable with it, which is a double squick. As for Wild at Heart, I can’t handle the Oz character assassination. Oz is just one of the many victims of incurable suddenly-a-horrible-boyfriend-so-that-he-may-be-written-out-of-the-show disease, but his assassination hurt me the most :(. (The other episodes I usually skip on my rewatch are I Robot, You Jane, Reptile Boy, Killed By Death, Gingerbread, Beer Bad, Were The Wild Things Are, Listening to Fear, The Doublemeat Palace, and Same Time, Same Place, because once is enough)

9. So many, but I’ll stick to content wise ones:

1) What’s My Line: Parts 1 & 2 - Kendra my beloved!!!, Buffy doing some real cool iceskating and then slitting an assassins throat with her ice skate and then making out with her boyfriend!!!, Kendra in a crop top!!!, our favorite toxic polycule!!!, Angel getting tortured with holy water ajajssjkskssk, Buffy starting to finally understanding what it means to be a slayer!!!, Kendra!!!, Drusilla lifting Spike off the ground with one arm and carrying out of the church!!!, Cordy stomping the icky bug man and the return of the Queen C license plate!!!, Kendra!!!, the role reversal where Buffy is the white night riding in to save her damsel in distress boyfriend!!!, “Not the only freak anymore”!!!!!

2) Becoming: Part 2 - [insert hysterical sobbing]

3) Bad Girls - Faith drawing a heart on the window! Buffy and Faith dancing together at the Bronze!! The six missing hours between Buffy and Faith killing the vamps and dancing together!!! The leather pants! The looks Faith was serving! The unbridled gay!!! Oh yeah baby

4) The Body - [insert more hysterical sobbing] Also it was the first time we ever saw Willow and Tara kiss, which was so tender. God and Anya’s speech about not understanding? I die.

5) The Gift - [even more hysterical sobbing] I’m into Glory, I’m into Ben, and I’m really into Giles murdering Ben. I have issues, okay? Everything is beautiful and timely and there’s just enough comedy to balance and it’s genuinely heart wrenching. And Buffy’s “the hardest thing in the world is to live in it” is even more poignant today. It wrecks my every time. And Spike’s face when he can’t save Dawn? And when he sees Buffy’s body? Please kill me. Please.

6) One More With Feeling - It’s. So. Hot. Willow and Tara’s song about wlw sex? HOT. SO HOT. The Spuffy kiss? SEXY. AND OH BOY IS REST IN PEACE SOMETHING. And the Spuffy kiss!!!It’s one of those tv kisses that genuinely looks like a kiss between lovers rather than actors. The music is also great and like 90% of the cast can really sing. Also I’ve seen it at least ten times and no all the words by heart. ...Walk Through The Fire may or may not be on my Spotify playlist. But you can’t prove it.

(Also The Wish, Amends, Graduation Day, Intervention, Forever, Spiral, and Killer In Me. Clearly I just like watching hot men get physically and emotionally wrecked. I think this is what people in show business like to call “my poor little meow meow” content, and hot diggity dog do I eat it up like goose with bread)