#my own and i cant compare myself to others but yk. but yea i just. need to continue more with things that ground me and spend more time

[zhuhongs]

want to write in my journal but im sleepy and dont wanna but i do but i dont. if i could write and lie in bed i would but i cant. typing long thoughts on my phone has become insufferable. gosh i wanna go to bed. but i know i wont lollll

[iliveforyouilongforyouvesuvia]

i wanna add more will wood's songs for julian because ig this is his kin artist now (i am SO NORMAL abt these songs and how it ties to julian's character)

cw for alcoholism, death, suicide

there will be mentions of his reversed ending too

Um, it's Kind of a Lot

"Oh, I love you so much it scares me half to death. the other half, I guess I'm giving to you"

"And I'm afraid you'll notice all my flaws. I'm afraid you already have, obviously"

"And I'm afraid I'll come on too strong, hold you too tight, and scare you too"

the last one is so julian i cant even

"But I never been afraid to wear my heart on my sleeve"

"At least to prove I'm weak, and if you cut me, I'll bleed"

i mean come on, look at that, its so perfectly julian i dont even have to explain

"I'll twist my words, a clever turn of phrase"

"Sorry, darling, please excuse my constant need to self-aggrandize. Coddling my narcissism"

we do not talk enough abt how julian also has that kind of like bravado but just not as bad as lucio's lmaoo

"So here's one last lyric to sum up these thoughts I struggled to come up with"

"To make me sound deep and smart, and then I promise I'll shut up"

"Wait, let me think, hold on, I got this"

"Anything but 'I'm in love with you'"

the third lyric is just the cherry on top, the unsure of it all and just kinda fumbling over your own words, its so julian

2012

"I was an existential criminal, so innocently cynical"

hes a fugitive!!

"Originally meant to live a God-damned miracle"

"Might've been metaphysical, but I think it was medical"

i think this could refer how he was literally dying from the plague and met the hanged man, so he was very close to dying or i think he did die and he came back with his mark (? idk tbh). well hes not dead now so it was a miracle but yk, julian is a skeptic so the line "but i think it was medical" fits him sooo much. hes a doctor! i'll take any medical related words and refs and align it with julian, ty.

"Testing my hypothesis"

"Never finding a theory"

i take back my last sentence. i'll take any science related words and refs and align it with julian, ty

"Did you lose yourself? It's always in the last place that you'd check"

julian talking to mc

"I might find myself by retracing my steps..."

"But I don't remember how I forgot myself"

"I don't remember, I don't remember 2012"

"Wow, the whole year's a blur!"

yea just change that to three years

"I think I bought into the comedy and brought a lot of oddity"

"An odyssey I thought to be consider a commodity"

"And not until anomaly abolished my monotony"

"Did I applaud autonomy and modify a lot of me"

i cant even break this one down tbh but the julian vibe is definitely there

"I heard the world would turn to hell"

"Compared to that, I'm doing well"

birblian cameo??!?! no but srsly i could see birblian going insane and gaslighting himself

The First Step

this is just an alcoholic song tbh...

"You could say I'm plastered, 'cause I hit the wall"

this is just a funny line tbh, not that deep, just julian hitting the wall like a cartoon

"I’d try to see the glass as half full"

"But I’d probably just a-drink that too!"

thats the alcoholic line. yk julian's a pessimistic, trying to see the glass half full instead of half empty but he'd probably drink that too

"Well I bet that a bottle of brandy so bitter’d be better than bitin’ the bullet and betterin’ myself"

"Sorry if I slur!"

if you listen to the song, will wood was actually slurring that first line. i have a hc that julian has two opposite talking mannerism. first one that he stutters (that part is canon) a lot and repeats his word. you get that or he slurs and talks so fast, theres no in between

"I’d try to see the glass as half full"

"Even when I'm empty, half-full"

"I’d try to see the glass as half full"

"But I’d probably just- AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!"

this is just a bonus. i just want to include it

Half-Decade Hangover

this song RUINED me actually so heres some angst (i avoid this song even tho i love it sm its such a banger but i cry everytime i listen to it. i really recommend listening to the song just so u can hear just the raw emotions. i also recommend going to the genius lyric page bc will wood himself actually annotate some of the lyrics im im im sorry im fanboying rn)

"Wonder how I didn’t die"

"This is not my life, I’m no survivor, I only happened to survive"

ooooof... again, with the dying theme, my god

"I was drunk when I made my bed"

"Now with a half-decade hangover I lay down in it"

"What have I done? Don't know what I've said"

ooooww yikes, that last line is kinda like a double whammy. julian not remembering his last 3 years bc of that amnesia OR in the reversed ending, "what have i done" but in a regretful way its so sad too bc after he made that deal with the devil all he did was drink himself to - well not death but yk.

"Give back my life, and if not"

"Take it, 'cause lately I been thinking maybe I could take it or leave it"

"If I can’t at least break even, then I’m leaving when"

"I been feelin' this awful since I hit bottom and"

"Said, 'Hand me my shovel, I’m going in!'"

that two first line is julian confronting to the devil. "take it (my life)" that line hits me like a train bc it has been hinted that julian have quite the suicidal tendencies and that was BEFORE shit went down. imagine how worse it got after the whole deal with the devil and him being cursed. he fought the devil so many times... it makes me wonder if he also did it, hoping he would die in the process. also the last line is a reference to one of will wood's song "Hand Me My Shovel, I'm Going In!" which a few ppl also recommend it for julian.

"Like it’s a good thing you said, 'You’ve got your whole life ahead'"

"Oh great, another half a century to live to regret"

"I’d rather be anybody else instead"

pretty forward with this one, this is depressing im sorry

"Please believe me when I say that I’ve poured my whole past down the drain"

thats pretty literally. he exchanged his memories of those three years for the healing mark

"Say that a second chance is a chance I can take"

"But I can’t make amends for things I can't remember"

"I can only say I'm sorry and occasionally pray"

he got a second chance to live, he no longer has the plague. also that second line, i mean julian traded the memories he didnt want so mustve thought he did something bad but now he cant really make amends bc he doesn't remember (not yet at least)

okay thats all, im sorry this was such a rollercoaster

@dandydanthelion :O the way you just broke down all those lyrics and fit them into his character, that was incredible and made so much sense!

It's not even a question at this point if they belong on the playlist (just added them) XD

Thank you for sending these friend! I always love to see your name pop up in my inbox ^.^

[ohoshi]

honestly you sold me there, i love idol groups who have like 2 braincells 🤣 i will willingly watch their one hour mafia games and debate night, i just watched their episode on knowing bros/men on a mission (which was prob like 80 min long...) and it was so hilarious omg i loved it!! minghao was so funny in it too even tho he is not the loudest in the group (which honestly i relate to a lot (the part about not being the loudest, not the part about being funny lmao)), and also his dance moves! so good! i can see why you bias him hehe; youtube has been recommending me the gose content lately and im excited to watch it :))

omg i know right...i asked my mom this (about how she remembers all the chinese characters) and she said apparently it is not as hard as it seems bc a bunch of characters are compound words (using two different characters to make one word or something)? but i think it is prob still hard if you forget a word or something bc you can't sound it out like in english. that's why i decided to learn hangul honestly bc the korean writing system is so much simpler (and makes sense) compared to other asian languages LOL. that's so cool that you could act as the translator for your family and the woman in french! did you learn french on your own or do you just naturally pick up languages easily? it is def true you forget languages when you use them less, my canto is a lot less smooth when im not at home (like i am now bc of covid). but i think at least you will have a foundation for the language so that helps a lot for practicing it again!!

wait that makes sense about china line making korean easier, like when lucas speaks i feel like i can kinda understand him better bc he's not as fluent in korean as the native members?? i do also know some veryyy basic japanese from watching anime hahaha but i think i am less familiar with it now bc i watch way more korean content nowadays 😂

ahh you understand me about hating bugs <3 im honestly not a huge fan of real nature besides like basic hikes on paved paths 😂 also i totally get u about being scared of heights, my mom and brother both are too 😬 i do know how to swim (i actually had to take a swim test for my college to graduate lmao), but when i was younger i rly didnt like water but since i was forced to learn to swim i think im okay now? i am lowkey afraid of the ocean tho bc it's so big and also i've watched too many shows about sharks in the water lol (even tho i know thats prob a bit irrational). oh another thing i dont really like is intense rollercoasters...im okay with the ones that dont go upside down, but there are ones that are at like 90 degree angles and go backwards and im like nooooo thanks 😅

OMG i just looked up jeonghan with long hair and i also legit thought he was a woman 😧 (but a very beautiful one) and yea i totally didnt know he and joshua (jihan) were a thing! are they like the nomin of svt 🥺 joshua seems like he has such a calming aura and jeonghan seems like the prankster of the group hehe. im interested to see if my biases will change as i watch more svt content!

also merry xmas eve!! cant wait to officially “meet” you tmrw hehe (it is actually still the 23rd for me rn bc of time difference but yea same thing) 🎄🤶✨

HAHDGA me too!!!! hahah yeah i loved the ep!! yeah hao is a very quiet guy, he just loves to listen and observe i guess but he can be pretty savage sometimes jahsdga i love him<3 also his dance moves!!!!! 😍 OMGG I’M so happy we should definitely keep fangirling over svt even when this is over!!! 

ohhhhhh i see, interesting!! ohhh yeah i think korean writing system is easier, too; when i see chinese character to me they doesn’t look like letters yk? in my mind i see it as a tiny drawing i should memorize the meaning of, while hangul does seem like weird letters, but still letters 😅 i guess that’s because both you and i use latin (and i also use cyrillic) alphabet to write so it does seem weird to us? but perhaps it seems so natural and easy to your mom for example or someone who uses chinese characters to write! uhh i learned french in school but in addition to school classes i also learned it on my own bc yeah i reeeally love languages and i naturally pick up a new language easily, i guess that’s my talent 😅 but yeah you’re right! if i ever need it guess it’ll be easy to refresh my memory! ohh so you’ve been practicing canto more lately hmm??

yeahh i completely understand lucas and also winwin and i love them for it<3 yeah i get it, i’m definitely better at korean hahaha 

ikr haha tho i love nature, truly, but it scares me 😅 omggg you had to take a swimming test to graduate???? 😨 sounds like a nightmare to me omggg what were you majoring in??? i was also forced to swim when i was younger (i guess in my surroundings everyone knows how to swim so yk it was expected from me too, which is when i developed the fear of water 😅) but i never learned ✌️ yeah and ocean is so unexplored so who knows what else lives down there 😨 it’s okay to be irrationally scared of everything<3 (at least that’s what i tell myself) OMG ROLLERCOASTERS ANOTHER THING I HATE (you saw this coming from my fear of heights, right) lmao i’m such a coward 

yeah he is beautiful<3 uhh well idk they don’t remind me of nomin but they are very comfortable with each other, and they also entered the company around the same time and they’ve been close since their trainee days; some would say they are angel/devil couple in svt (jeonghan being the devil ahgsdfah) so you’re very much right!! i, too, am curious to see if your biases in svt change 🥺

AHH YEAH I CAN’T WAIT EITHER i am so excited omg 🥺 it’s 24th rn at my place so!!! merry christmas eve!!!!! 🎄💚