#my only mistakes i argue were pushing my responsibility onto jakob
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idk man. i should be humble and whatnot but i have to defend myself
#strrambles#ok first we can all agree i had noble intentions yeah?#right then. did i do plenty things wrong? well no#my only mistakes i argue were pushing my responsibility onto jakob#and letting narzissenkreuz take over#first of all carter was fully justified. he was in full agreement. we had appropriate intentions.#and i regret it? mm maybe. without him we couldnt have continued our research.#(and here i must say people look back on these actions with a lens from the present. they judge us because they know the archon would#save the day. but we didnt know that.)#the foundation of the ordo was once again justified. we were open with our ideas#we showed them the revelations. which were accurate at that time#and offered a utilitarian method that would allow us to preserve everyone#we were open with the idea#and they joined.#we knew only how to dissolve and merge#and were aiming for a solution after the mass dissolutions#which im sure we could have achieved and as a result reseparated post disaster#though i guess i cant speak of what ifs here#but look those were the intentions and none were: hey lets live in a hivemind forever!#that being said#my major mistake was dissolving myself#i know ascension in that way requires you to strip all psyche and ego and the freud shit#but i overlooked just how unethical narzissenkreuz would be without those things#and arghghgg. i dont know man. though narz isnt me because i die with my psyche#i have an obligation over my creation#and he — or they — messed things up badly.#and yeah by that dissolution i also indirectly caused my own brother to take such a dark route#the lengths he went to just to revive me was. frankly very cool of him. in my lens. but also terrible for himself and terrible for everyone#else. like if id just held off on that dissolving part and let myself figure things out for a bit longer#if my dissolution even WORKED in the first place
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