#my next project: hhhhhhhhhh

[lemon-writings]

Hamish Update Pt. IV

Genre: Literary fiction // Word count: 90,385 // Status: Drafted

And this is it, folks! This is the end of this draft of Hamish!

Writing this work is always a ride, but I really think it is one of the best things I’ve written, quality-wise. Hamish is sort of a magnum opis of angst and my faux Dark Academia style. It’s also set a sort of “style setter” for the rest of my works, because I adore the introspection.

The last portion was a little rough to get through, just because it is where all the buildup is starting to pay off.

Chapter X

Epitaph: “It’s unfortunate that I fear a man, / but maybe I should / The power of life and death / are in his hands.”-Justin Banks

Another chapter, another plot-relevant confrontation with our favorite village asshole: Leon. Lady Gaga may live for the applause, but Leon lives for the drama. Look at this dude.

There’s a lot of introspection in this chapter, which at this point is to be expected. Along with the Zesty dialogue about, again, plot-relevant things, we have a lot of Horacio reflecting on his past, on his present, and on his future, asking himself how he manages to get into the situations that he does. Oh and he’s still a useless gay which, like, same.

Excerpts: 

I feel I should mention that NBC’s Hannibal, alongside being an awesome show with some great rep, thrilling plotlines, and some of the best cinematography I have ever seen in a series (literally the most aesthetically-pleasing show), is a huge inspiration for Hamish, aesthetically and character-wise. 

Where psychopaths lacked empathy, I had an abundance, overflowing and overfilling my senses until I was nothing more than other people, patched together by their best qualities and the light I saw in them. Little more than a person clothed in the feelings of others, pushing my own away for more of theirs. My sense of self was based upon that of other people.

Horacio reflects upon a sad reality: part 3,249.

Wounds inflicted by those you love run deeper than those inflicted by those you don’t.

Religion is a huge theme in Hamish. I didn’t necessarily plan for it, but it really did fit the style. Horacio’s a scholar, and like all scholars in literary fiction, he’s awfully preoccupied with Greek gods. As my friend Gremlin would say, “it’s about the imagery, sis” (a line he actually delivered me when we were analyzing a Hozier song like what). 

People do terrible things in the names of their gods.

These moments are decently brief, but they are important to Horacio’s character and his worldview.

Chapter XI

Epitaph: “in your dream, you are jealous of tragedies / and the truth is, we all want our own tragedy / because life is pale without it. / we want the teeth, the screaming, the survival / that comes with it.”-Salma Deera, “why you wanted a tragedy”, Letters from Medea

This is it! The final chapter. There’s a lot that happens here: arguments, fencing, shiny silver trays...

It’s quite a chapter. Not the strongest chapter, but the one that made me feel the most emotion while writing. I teared up a couple times, and not just because I was listening to “Stay Alive - Reprise” (though that was part of it). This chapter takes a lot out of me to write, but there’s also something so satisfying about writing that payoff. We’ve been building to this exact moment for the entire book. This payoff though. Hot dang.

Excerpts: 

Fencing is beautiful. It’s a sport I could compare more to dancing or stage fighting than other sports. It’s just so freaking elegant. I’ve never seen anything like the videos of fencing I’ve watched for this chapter. I was entranced the entire time.

It was like a long-distance waltz. Instead of arms around waists or resting on shoulders and slow, graceful circles, there were quick movements of feet, gliding backwards and forwards as if avoidance were choreography.

While this isn’t the most important line in the work, I feel like this next one is something a lot of people who see the best in others ask themselves. Horacio has a bad habit of guessing at people’s pasts, almost as though he’s trying to justify their present actions. It’s something I do when I’m not paying attention, trying to excuse someone’s actions with the thought of they’ve had it rough.

Or was I making up backstory for someone who didn’t deserve it?

Horacio’s always known that the worst monsters are not fictional creatures, but the people around him, and he’s always willing to call people out for that. That’s one thing I can really admire about Horacio: he’s aware that, in the end, everyone is a human, and that it’s the cruelty of humans that is the real horror.

Aren’t all monsters, at their core, just people? Aren’t all terrible people just people, at the end of the day? We’re all humans, working towards our own goals, doing what is best for us, and that is what will be our downfall.

Horacio has a lot more to say in the chapter, but... spoilers. 

The Jams

Especially in the last chapter, I wanted to be as sad as physically possible. Thus, I had a beautiful array of musical songs, and a little bit of Absolute Angst Bops That Never Fail to Make Me Cry.

So Big/So Small - Rachel Bay Jones, Dear Evan Hansen cast

Words Fail - Ben Platt, Dear Evan Hansen cast

Burn - Phillipa Soo, Hamilton cast

Stay Alive - Reprise - Phillipa Soo, Hamilton cast

Who Lives, Who Dies, Who Tells Your Story - Hamilton cast

Michael in the Bathroom - George Salazar, Be More Chill cast

Destroy Me - grandson

The Other Side of Paradise - Glass Animals

Golden - Fall Out Boy

I really can’t believe I’m done with Hamish. Whenever I finish it, I’ve noticed, I don’t feel as though I’ve done much of anything, because the writing process is so... smooth. None of my other works have this sort of smoothness to it. I guess it’s because it’s a Shakespeare rewrite, and I already have something to work with? I’m not 100% sure of the reason why, but whatever it may be, I’m really proud of this particular rewrite. Thank you to everyone who’s been supporting me throughout this rewrite! The support has been amazing!

Tag list: @aelenko​

[stalksbyakuyatogami]

Do you write for Izuru?if you do could i pls reqiest yandere hc of him?

YANDERE IZURU KAMUKURA HEADCANONS

YANDERE IZURU HHHHHHHHHH AAAAAAAAAAAA

TW: manipulation(?), violence, suggestive content, stalking, gaslighting(?) idk how to tag things

•Is he a harmless yandere? Not when you misbehave

•He is not the type to acquire feelings through wrong ideas. He falls in love when he feels that you’re the one he was waiting for.

•Not the obsession type. He has his principles. Sure, he loves you, but you’re still no match for him. He’d consider if you too had all the Ultimate talents.

•He stalks. But not physically. He has cameras all over the place, watching your every move. Who you talk to, (are you even allowed to talk to anyone? NO.) Who knows, maybe he does the do when you do the do too.

•“I saw you talking to something/someone today. What did they say?” Testing if you say the truth.

•He is NOT dependent. This man can live his life without you. He focuses on what’s on his hands, and once it becomes useless, “How boring.”

•Projection type. I think he had many lovers before and he has encountered this situation many times already. “You are just like them. Always straying away. Always ignoring me. Always falling out of love. Were you even in love with me in the first place? Tsk.”

If you died, he can simply move on. Maybe grieve a little, now that his love is gone. You’d just be an addition to a pile of corpses in a room—

•Domestic Violence. “It hurts? It’s your fault for being so disobedient. Listen, I’m the only one who could make you happy. I should be the only one who’s eyes you’re allowed to make direct contact with. Understand?”

•Keeps you restrained, obviously. He doesn’t want anyone touching you. You’re his, after all.

•Big delusionist (is that a word?). Will think that because you’re being behaved means you love him. Think that you eventually love him day after day.

•“You don’t need other people. You have me. I can do anything for you. If you just follow my rules.” Would not kill? Would indirectly kill?

•He is the training type. He’d force you to love him (isn’t that what yanderes do?). “Say you love me. I’ll give you another chance. It’ll be the last time this day that you get to be good. So say it.”

•In some times, he’d feel pity while seeing you suffer. But only sometimes. “Calm now. Shh… I told you you’d never get hurt when you just follow me. Next time, just depend on me.”

I uhhh... am sorry if this is inaccurate. I still haven’t finished the last episode cuz internet keeps fucking up :”). Hope you like it, anon!

-Mod Toko

[tfw-no-tennis]

mtmte liveblog issue 6

and onto issue 6, aka, Oh God Everyone Here Needs Therapy, Including The Therapist

rung already having a bad time on the cover i see

i mean, saying that kinda implies that rung ever STOPPED having a bad time, which is untrue so far in this comic

poor fort max :(

maybe lets NOT bring mnemosurgery into this whole mess, there's an idea!

i like the detail of fort max’s grip on the bed thing causing it to crumble

godddd lmao i love chromedome’s goofy skill of being able to tell who someone is by them transforming 

and his anecdote about rewind, which comes back later in hilarious fashion

tailgate hvgbshdfjsadf ‘is this a good place to sit down and die?’ i love him 

drift saving tailgate from magnus with some dumb hippy nonsense...love it

tailgate is so nice to cyclonus even tho cyclonus has been p much only mean to him....tg such a good boi

CYCLONUS YOURE GONNA REGRET TELLING TG TO ‘DROP DEAD’ IN T-MINUS A COUPLE DOZEN ISSUES OR SO. 

skids’s comment about ultra magnus is easy to dismiss as sarcasm but what if he actually knew a different magnus???? i cant remember the timeline w/that v well but that would be interesting 

tailgate is so fuckgin funny god 

IS SWERVE BEING ARRESTED HVBHDSJKHFBHSJDKF I FORGOT THIS HAPPENED

OH GOD POOR PIPES HE WASNT EVEN THE ONE TALKING SHIT....that guy has the worst luck

i see brainstorm cowering in the hallway there...nice touch

god i love whirl. hes so abrasive and so good at pushing peoples buttons, but its also interesting that we didn't see the leadup to the current situation, which resulted in what we see now - aka rung restrained but uninjured, and whirl all beat up. whirls doing a pretty good job keeping the attention on him at least 

oof this whole thing is so brutal. Its Good Writing

rodimus blease don't argue w/the guy whos having a psychotic episode and holding people hostage

i love the detail of rodimus hating to be called hot rod - I'm assuming bc it reminds him of the days when he was more immature, before he was Important and Special 

ooooof rungs thumb. owwww

god i love ratchets remark about brainstorm claiming he tried to stop fort max, when we clearly saw earlier that he did the exact opposite. i love brainstorm sooo much

hhhhhh the reveal that the reason max targeted those guys was cause of their paint colors - and how they look like overlord 

god i love whirl vbhskdjfbjaskfj

rung upholding hipaa, good job 

godddd i love whirls whole story, its so fascinating and tragic 

meanwhile rewind and swerve are hangin out, riveting some stuff, yknow how it is

i ufckgin love how swerve is like ‘i can keep a secret! [reveals a secret]’ and yet rewind proceeds to tell him abt the snuff films like, immediately

and damn rewind is hardcore. i mean i know you find out later why he wanted that footage but still 

seriously whirls backstory is so nuanced and interesting, and like, layered with politics and implications and GAH i love it 

also, i see that reference to A Certain Prisoner....

lmao oh my god rung PLEASE....that's so fucking sad dude. its literally that meme 

someone: ok imagine you’re being held hostage and your thumb gets ripped out and then your friend-

rung, in tears: a...a friend? 

ok wait a sec what is whirl even impaled on. cause it kinda looks like one of his own arms which is uhhh fucked

yeah it looks like one of whirls claws is missing....jesus

the contrast between max being like OK TIME FOR SOMEONE TO DIE and rewind and swerves lil heads peeking thru the window

rewind is that one guy whos not down with the murder 

OOOOF THE PROJECTION. BRUTAL 

rung is so good :( 

ooof and then they tell swerve to shoot max anyways...ouch

aaaand then he blows up rungs head, and whirl impaled max. way to go team!

THE OVERLORD REVEAL ALWAYS GETS ME HHHHHHHHHH THATS SOOO FUCKED JESUSSSSS

You’re In For A  Bad Time Gang

phewwww, this one was heavy! we got lots of lore and character stuff, and we got a tease for one of the series big plot points - overlord. plus, rung just died. or did he....? guess we’ll find out next time!

[kvarenje]

hhhhhhhhhh SHADING

Experimenting and refining the shading method with this FR adoptable base I've had plans for. I've always wanted to develop a painterly style and this is probably my biggest step towards that goal. For now I'm trying a dark base coat, applying flat highlights, and blending with an oil brush. I may reverse that on my next project and see which I prefer. It's been a goddamn long-ass time since I worked in color, so I'm having to re-learn the basics and apply new knowledge at the same time!!! It's all trial and error babey!!

Honestly I'm kind of glad my laptop's pen only has a 2.5-3hr battery life. Reminds me to stretch and eat sometimes lmao

[irikahkrios]

Im a sucker for superhero aus and the one you came up with is dope pls tell me more

HHHHHHHHHH WITH PLEASURE,,,,

so i really only have a couple of characters figured out, as far as their hero names + backstories + powers. so i’ve gotta develop the rest of them more. but here’s a sloppy list of most of the things i’ve got so far, under a cut because it got super long:

as far as the basics, pretty much everything about garrus is lifted directly from canon. ex-cop who got fed up with red tape and started protecting the streets as the masked vigilante archangel, led another team at first but they were all killed due to sidonis’ betrayal, doesn’t have any superpowers and relies solely on his combat and tech skills and the powerful sense of Unkillable Bastard Energy that sustains him. big batman vibes (only unpowered member of a superpowered team, relies on tech, brains, and sheer willpower, Big Angst due to losing people in the past, tries to say he works alone but is inevitably followed around by a big family of allies who loves him)

his costume is silly though, i know that. my favorite part of this au is the silly costumes. it isn’t just “practical armor” like garrus as archangel in ME canon; it’s still armor, but it’s very much a superhero costume. 

he’s very careful with his secret identity, probably the most careful out of anyone on the team. it’s because of his experiences with his first team, and his fear of being betrayed again. he eventually opens up to a few people, but it takes a good long while, possibly a few years, for him to reach that point.  

i haven’t figured out yet how emmett/sunsurge got his powers, but i’ve thought a great deal about said powers and their numerous applications. the most basic description of his powers would be “manipulation of solar energy.” in practice, this translates to a number of things, including but not limited to: flight, invulnerability (he’s so hot that weapons/bullets just melt when they touch him), shaping of energy into solid matter (he constantly does stuff like make glowy chairs out of solid energy so he can sit down, and often illustrates his points when talking by providing visuals in the form of energy masses), energy projectiles and weapons, etc

when he activates his powers, his physical form turns into a mass of glowing energy, with his hair and beard (and also body hair lmao he walks around shirtless) becoming rippling orange energy that sort of looks like fire. transforming into a blinding-hot being of pure energy is handy for preserving his secret identity, but it also means that whatever clothes he’s wearing when he activates his powers are burned to ashes by the heat he gives off. when he first started as a hero, he always used his “shaping energy into solid objects” power to create his costume every time he transformed. meaning that every time he turned back, he would just be naked and had to store a change of civilian clothes (identical to what he was wearing before, to avoid suspicion) in a safe place to change into after he was done. 

i know for a fact that he meets one member of his team (haven’t decided who yet) when they’re working at a retail store in their civilian identity, and they gradually figure out that emmett is sunsurge when he keeps constantly coming in to buy like a dozen identical shirts and pants at a time. 

eventually, after the superhero team forms and they all pool their resources and talents, the team’s “tech person” (who i think is probably gonna be tali) makes a costume for emmett that can stand up to his extreme temperatures, so he doesn’t have to create his costume out of energy every time. and also everyone on the team probably encourages him to get into the habit of taking his civilian clothes off before he activates his powers, resulting in far fewer trips to the store to buy new clothes. 

his costume is ridiculous and i love it. it’s gold and shiny, and consists of tight pants, boots, and a long vest/coat (it’s sleeveless and worn open, and reaches his calves like a long, flowing cape). no shirt; he wears the vest/coat open, with nothing underneath. he says it’s to soak in more of the sunlight that charges his powers, but everybody’s pretty sure he just likes to be shirtless. 

i talked about irikah/wraith’s backstory in this au here, for those who haven’t seen it yet. it’s too long and complicated to recap here lmao 

she’s a mystery, even to herself, but she’s pretty adamant on having a costume that protects her identity, even if she doesn’t know what that identity is. she’s got a mask and hood, and i think when she’s doing hero stuff she gets into the habit of keeping herself partially “blurred out” and intangible at all times?? like, she’s translucent and difficult to make out visually, with the added benefit that any surprise attacks will pass right through her.

i’ve talked about her powers, but i guess it wouldn’t hurt to recap. she can distort matter (mostly her own, but with some effort probably object around her and with even more effort possibly other people), resulting in powers that include super speed, short-distance teleportation, intangibility (and thus immunity to weapons/bullets), phasing through solid objects like walls, etc. 

of all the heroes on the team, she comes the closest to being a “full-time” hero, due to not really having a civilian identity. before the team forms, she probably lives with one of the other heroes, and once the team forms and they have a big fancy base of operations she lives there. i think she’s their “science person” in the same way that tali is their “tech person.” they probably collaborate a lot on projects. 

after her reunion with her family, they all decide to still live at the base, for several reasons. irikah is most comfortable there, since it’s been her home for years, and thane 1) is most comfortable in a space like that as well and 2) wants to make her happy more than anything. they were both worried that kolyat wouldn’t like it there and asked if he would prefer to be somewhere where the three of them could try to be a normal family again, but he just laughed his ass off and told them that the three of them were far past the point of being a normal family, and that the base was fine. 

i figure kolyat has a lot of mixed feelings about the whole concept of superheroes. like, on one hand, this is an au that operates on Comic Book Logic and so the superheroes are necessary to defeat the supervillains, like it’s a whole system and everything. but also like….he sort of lost both of his parents to this system and lowkey resents it. i mean, his mom was presumed dead but actually just lost her memories and gained superpowers and spent years as a hero, and his dad spent those same years doing assassination jobs for villains instead of caring for the grieving son who needed him. this might be a necessary system, but it’s one that’s had a profound negative impact on his life, and he has to deal with that as he gets used to having his parents in his life again and the three of them start to untangle the complex knot of fuckups and sheer bad luck that brought their family to this point lmao

i haven’t decided yet if thane has any powers; if he does, they’re minor ones and only serve to augment the skills he has. much like garrus, thane in this au has pretty much the same backstory as in canon. trained to be an expert assassin since childhood, was brought out of his cold, unfeeling mindset when he met irikah, entered back into it when he lost her, etc. the only major difference is that she isn’t actually dead lmao 

so yeah i think my next step is to start developing other characters and deciding what their powers are and how they fit onto the team. but wow i really love this au so far, i love superheroes and i love mass effect and i love aus where the krios family get to be alive and safe and happy, bioware do not interact 

[skir4y]

.

[dyrt]

@rat-tarot tagged me rules: answer these 85 things and tag 20 people uh if you want to go for it, if not ignore THE LAST: 1. drink: iced tea 2. phone call: @rat-tarot telling them to let me into their hovel 3. text message: "Isτ τhere τιme το hαng b4 τhe ταυrυs mακεs ιτ ιmροssιblε" 4. song you listened to: mind transferral- electric fucking wizard 5. time you cried: a few weeks ago 6. dated someone twice: i guess? 7. kissed someone and regretted it: yes lmao it was a whiiile ago tho 8. been cheated on: not technically I don't think 9. lost someone special: yeah? Whom hasn't 10. been depressed: lmao 11. gotten drunk and thrown up: Physically I cannot throw up THREE FAVORITE COLORS: 12. Super dark/deep purple/indigo 13. Pallid purple tinted grey 14. Moss green IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU: 15. made new friends: yeah 16. fallen out of love: nø 17. laughed until you cried: yeah 18. found out someone was talking about you: hopefully Fucking not 19. met someone who changed you: yeah 20. found out who your friends are: I guess but like I already knew who my friends were 21. kissed someone on your Facebook list: yeah GENERAL: 22. how many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: 0 23. do you have any pets: 2 dogs 24. do you want to change your name: wizard wizard 25. what did you do for your last birthday: got drunk as shit off wine and gin and gave myself a stick n poke in 5 minutes on @rushpoppers floor 26. what time do you wake up: like 7-7:30 bc of class and work 27. what were you doing at midnight last night: bonging w @rat-tarot and her uncle 28. name something you can’t wait for: sleep's next album, weed, reincarnation 29. when was the last time you saw your mom: a moment ago 30. Fuck i deleted it 31. what are you listening to right now: ear ringing and distant typing 32. have you ever talked to a person named tom: fuck 33. something that is getting on your nerves: my wheezing widdle wungs 34. most visited website: this hellhole or runescape bitches 35. hair color: brown w a streak of grey 36. long or short hair: long 37. do you have a crush on someone: hell yeah 38. what do you like about yourself: i cannot stop thinking about space 39. piercings: 1 in each ear but I'm planning on more 40. blood type: O+ I believe? 41. nickname: bitch, rat, ma'am, and mike but only if you literally birthed me 42. relationship status: romantically involved w a witch 43. zodiac: pisces 45. favourite tv show: planet fucking earth 46. tattoos: just me shitty poked sword on my left leg 47. right or left handed: right 48. surgery: lots 50. sport: dual wielding 51. vacation: hotboxing my car in the school parking lot 52. pair of trainers: whom? MORE GENERAL: 53. eating: fruit and like a lot of other shit? 54. drinking: water and tea 55. I’m about to: astral project 56. waiting for: @rat-tarot to tell me to come to the dispensary w her 57. want: long grey hair, wizard robes, amethyst 58. get married: at this point no but chaos man, u never know 59. career: architect/artist WHICH IS BETTER: 60. hugs or kisses: I fucking love kissing 61. lips or eyes: böth 62. shorter or taller: clipping thru the floor so u can't really tell 63. older or younger: as above so below 64. nice arms or nice stomach: nice set o bones 65. hook up or relationship: hhhhhhhhhh 66. troublemaker or hesitant: chaotic good HAVE YOU EVER: 67. kissed a stranger: basically 68. drank hard liquor: yes 69. lost glasses/contact lenses: yes 70. turned someone down: yeah 71. sex on the first date: dating is a hate crime and so is sex 72. broken someone’s heart: apparently 73. had your heart broken: not romantically 74. been arrested: almost 75. cried when someone died: yes 76. fallen for a friend: yeah DO YOU BELIEVE IN: 77. yourself: self? 78. miracles: are just poorly understood/glamorized coincidences; the universe and everything beyond is an infinite living Mind so crazy shit is bound to happen/ happens all the time 79. love at first sight: dude like actually Kinda 80. santa claus: Tim Burton invented Christmas 81. kiss on the first date: if I think ur cute I want to kiss you so yes? 82. angels: unfathomable cosmic beings from higher planes; god is dead OTHER: 83. current best friend’s name: Taryn Marirose Trish Shannon 84. eye color: blue/grey 85. favorite movie: lord o the rings @microsoftxl @groovyslag @rushpoppers @punk-planet @mailcarrier if ur bored u can do this I guess

[mega-aggron]

stress

hhhhhhhhhh last week, this week, and the next two weeks are gonna fucking destroy me

i’ve written 2 papers of 3000/2000 words apiece in 2 days and i’ve nearly finished my web development final project, but on the horizon lies:

application for lab research over the summer

final composition for music theory

machine learning project

2 cybersecurity projects

final professional writing paper

advertising presentation

concert report for music theory

and THEN all my exams! what the fuck! how many assignments do my professors need!

man i’ve been so stressed this past week and it’s only gonna get worse until the end of the school year .-. which is... very bad, because the stress is already starting to adversely impact other parts of my life in the form of fucked up sleep schedules and consistent nightmares. i overslept for work monday and woke up in a cold sweat, and today i took a nap between classes and managed to squeeze in TWO nightmares in an hour! i just want to skip forward two weeks and be done with this ughhhhh

[mighty-poop]

Last vent post, i swear

It’s not a question when i started feeling depressed and anxious again, i know exactly when i started to feel like this again

(It escalated, im crying, hence why im vent posting)

As usual, it’s probably a pile-up of emotions and shitty situations, making me feel like this, specifically lonliness, failure and boredom. 

The shitty feelings started last friday, at 9 in the evening sharp. I had asked help for a school project and 2 ballerina students and their teacher helped me a lot. So, obviously after i got really good grades on the project they helped with, i wanted to show the video to them personally and give them something as a thank you. So i went out and got them gift cards and i asked them when they had class next where i could show the thing. They didnt give me a time and i didnt ask one cus i was certain i remembered it right from the last time i went to one of their classes on friday. I remembered class started at 8 and ended at 10, so i decided to go at 9, during their break and if i got the time wrong then I’ll be seeing them just as class ends, so i tell myself to leave early.

But i lost 10 minutes because town was closed off because of some market thingy that happens once every year, whatever. No way they’ll all leave at 9 exactly, plus they’ll maybe stay in case i was late, i dunno.

I get there, the lights are off. Nobody is there. I go to the reception desk and ask if the ballet teacher is still in the building. He tells me no, she literally just left. I should’ve asked if there will be another class next week and at WHAT TIME so i can give them their stuff but I didn’t because i felt like i was about to cry. Cus of course, piece of shit worthless lenny can’t get the fucking time right again and misses the people he wants to thank. And i get home and i KNOW i should just text the teacher and explain everything, or message them on facebook, anything! But I can’t cus i feel like crying and my throat is closing up and I’m so so scared that they’re angry with me cus here i am. Film student asking others to waste their time on a school assignment and can’t even show up to an appointment. And i tell myself for a week now that there’s no way they’ll be that pissed that they’re not willing to reschedule but it just doesn’t work, i still close up and shake and my chest hurts and i think “‘I’ll do it later when i feel better” and it just doesnt happen. And we’re a week later now and i still haven’t messaged them yet.

The plan now is to just leave the gifts and the book i borrowed with the reception desk with a letter or something saying i barely missed them the week before and don’t have time this week to stop by but that I’d post the video on fb and.... yeah. And ask the guy to just deliver it to the teacher please.

And other than that, i had loads of plans for stuff i wanna do this summer. Oh right. Last friday i asked the reception desk about musical classes cus it’s in the same school. And he told me it’s a supplementary class. You can’t just follow only musical classes, you have to be a third year music student. Meaning you’ve been playing an instrument and following music classes for 2 years. So that’s a goddamn bust. There is another school-group thing that does musical 2 hours a week, it’s a little out of the way but on their website it says if you’re interested, to send them a mail and they’ll send a brochure. So i wanna do that and it just doesn’t work. Again. I cannot get myself to write a good email, nothing i type feels good, I’m scared ill7come over as unprofessional or a dunce and that if i do end up taking those classes, it will reflect on the way they’ll treat me and hhhhhhhhhh i- I can’t deal with the idea alone. I’ve always been terrible at making friends, the idea that they’ll dislike me from the start gives me goddamn warflashbacks to when i was 12 and it makes me feel pressured to write a perfect stupid email. 

I don’t want to have social an iety anymore, it genuinely has a terrible impact on my life and it’s super dumb and avoidable but my brain is wired to not. Let. It.

There’s a con this weekend and i really really really do not wanna go. I have a fantastic instinct on these things, when i feel something is gonna go wrong, usually it does. Public transport is going on strike meaning traffic and getting there in general will suck. The wheather is gonna be unbearable. And I’m just not feeling the con vibe, I’m tired of the convine, I don’t see the fun in it anymore. The only reason I’m going is because i NEED to socialise, and this is currently the only way i get to see some people.

I’m afraid to tell my friends that i just don’t wanna go, i want to stay home. I’m scared they’ll take it personally, that they’re in a way forcing me to go and that i blame them for feeling like this. I don’t, of course, but I’m scared that’s what they’ll think. Again, dumb. But it makes my chest hurt and breathing hard. 

I bought new art supplies and used them once. I don’t know why, I’m inspired, i have the tools, i have more than time, i just lack motivation. I wanna enter competitions at other cons, i got ideas, the tools and more than enough time, but i keep thinking ‘wtf is the point. Last year they disqualified me for 5 frames, who the fuck cares if i enter or not’. 

The only thing I’m doing is learning to play the tin whistle, which I’m so far not terrible at. But I’m again wondering why I’m doing it. I keep reacher for my whistle because I’m bired and need to do something with my hands but, what am i doing it for? Who am i doing it for? I keep disappointing others and myself anyway, the situation will become shitty SOMEHOW because that’s how the universe decided to play it. Trump is president, children are starving, 2+2=4 and everything will make it so that lenny is lonely and stays lonely. I’m not important, the universe has other shit to do but i genuinely feel like some transcendant power is making it their hobby to see me fail for some fucked up reason. 

[tfw-no-tennis]

mtmte liveblog issue 14

oh boy Here We Go, its time to die

ngl I've been putting this off bc I'm not ready to be destroyed hhhhhh

oh god. overlords giant fuckgin face on the cover. I regret everything

ohhh some good ole functionist flashbacks 

is this momus the same guy as senator momus from the shadowplay stuff? lemme say...class traitor

and then some garrus 9 flashbacks, ft chromedome’s snarky interjections. my man you are Not gonna be on the ups much longer oh lord

this is reminding me that I really do need to read the wreckers stuff

chromedome, stop posing jauntily, I'm trying to prepare myself for emotional devastation and you aren't helping 

cd bringin that emo theater kid energy

and here's megatron! well, flashback megatron, but still

megatrons head looks so fuckin weird there

love the thematic (and extremely plot relevant) use of ‘til all are one’ here

WHY is megatrons bucket helmet removable. I hate it 

also overlord is so big gay for megatron its unbelievable 

the name ‘heretech’ is A Lot lmao. right up there w/rigor morphis in the puns category

cd hhhhh this is why you don't talk to your captives in this sort of situation...even to make snappy comebacks, but especially not to TELL HIM YOUR PLAN....now overlords all worked up over megs being alive and yall are screwed

ah, some good old weird birth/re-birth vibes going on here, classic jro

like he literally tells megatron ‘congratulations...its a superwarrior’ god hvbdkhjfbjsf what is it w/jro and pregnancy/birth/reproduction themes

but also like I Kinda Get It bc that IS a pretty intriguing thing to explore w/an alien species like the transformers, who are living machines...ok ill strap on my biologist boots later and get into that when its more relevant lmao 

cd is breathtakingly un-genre savvy here. my man you should have never gotten involved in this oof

overlords weird ab guns are weird

uh no! now overlord is in the drivers seat, and smiling unsettlingly with his creepy lips

its brainstorm!!! I love him

SOUNDWAVE I love soundwave sm he’s just the coolest and best

is that trepan that overlord grabbed? I'm assuming it must be but I have a terrible memory for these things so I don't really remember what he looks like lmao

IS THAT PHARMA

also damn cd rlly b out here committing war crimes/crimes against humanity (crimes against cybertronians? that phrase doesn't really carry over well). the fact that the secret government lobotomy & brainwashing labs populated the ‘good guys’ side is....hhhhhhwow

cant believe cd’s real name is tumblr 

also I love the misdirection from cd not disclosing his ‘real’ name, which leads the reader to think that he’s secretly a different established/important character...but nope!

ahhhh and the reversal of cd and overlords positions in-panel so we can tell that Things Have Gone Terribly Wrong even before we zoom out to see cd in the chair instead of overlord...nice

love how prowl & co made up the whole ‘whiteout vacuum’ thing to lie to the people about overlord...yall really do be breaking moral laws left and right huh

the continuing hilarity of prowl referring to rewind as chromedomes ‘friend’ despite knowing full well they're married...and now that it’s been revealed in-story that they’re married, its just str8 up funny instead of funny AND meta 

is tarn a phase sixer???? genuinely I don't remember lmao

I feel like I could write an essay abt how interesting it is that prowl is so insistent on figuring out the whole phase sixer puzzle and making autobot phase sixers, despite the war being over (and with the autobots having won it, too). like, that's yet another fascinating psychological reaction to the never-ending civil war ending

and the way that prowl is able to rope multiple people into this scheme, which shows that he’s not the only one who thinks that way

aw, bumblebee still has a few morals, unlike most of the rest of anyone. too bad it certainty didn't help anyone in the case of repairing overlord

like, cd is RIGHT, they don't need their own phase sixers - and especially cause like...they won against the cons without any phase sixers already, so whos to say they cant win again the same way? smh prowl 

god I love the exchange here....prowl subtly threatening chromedome, while also calling cd his friend and probably meaning it genuinely, and chromedome looming menacingly over prowl then pinning him down and messing with his head...ooooof. 

also that panel of cd shadowplaying prowl and prowls face is just super blank...sinister as hell, i love it

also also, I'm actually really glad that that plot thread of ‘cd was complicit in what happened to dominus and rewind doesn't know’ didn't end up happening

I also find it a little funny that this very intriguing scene didn't end up going anywhere in mtmte, but from what I've heard the whole ‘cd rearranged prowl’s brains’ thing had big consequences for prowl in exrid or w/e, which is interesting

brainstorm wearing a version of perceptors targeting reticle eye thing...hello....

also I like the fact that they subtly establish when this is taking place by showing brainstorm working on the humansonas, which means this was before the last issue 

drift brainstorm chromedome shaking hands meme: making stupid decisions bc they listening to prowl for some reason

drift, this is Not the way you should be going about showing your dedication to the autobot cause

brainstorm is on a totally different wavelength than cd and drift hvbfdskhfdskjf brainstorm is just here to have a good time and maybe cause some chaos

the tablet saying ‘project: end in tears’ TOO REAL the tears are from ME. AUGH

hhhhhhhhhh the fact that cd did all of this bc he wanted to protect rewind from the war maybe restarting....ouch :( love makes you do stupid things sometimes

I cant get over how h*rny overlord looks...like I cant even describe it, its not necessarily that overlord himself is h*rny, or even that he’s drawn h*rny in the sense that he’s sexy or provocative...he just has those Vibes. this makes no sense except in my head ok

overlord escaped....no way! who could've seen that coming! probably anyone with a brain who isn't blinded by trauma and/or a misplaced sense of duty/love....Ls

AND HERE’S OVERLORD, READY TO FUCK EVERYTHING UP. GODDD

never over the panel of overlord grinning maniacally and cracking his knuckles with the text ‘next: massacre!’ cheerily overlaid 

GODDD this issue god....I mean we haven't gotten to the soul-destroying parts yet but this stuff is so intriguing...the nuance is THERE! and this is basically what we’ve been building up to for all of mtmte so far, and Oh Boy is it gonna be a big one, you can just tell....