#my mum would actually burst a blood vessel if i tried to go to school in a skirt as short as ellas

[llama--plumbobsims]

[nature-played-a-trick-on-me]

Feel free to skip this whole post guilt free lol but i just. Need to Vent.

literally a whole vent sorry to subject anyone to this but yknow.

idk how my brother turned out relatively functioning bc my parents didn't do shit, my mum treated me like a toy to bring to show and tell and then got depressed and left my dad to do EVERYTHING in the entire house like every single chore. And obviously he couldn't handle that so he just turned to abusing me and my brother and I happened to get the worst of it.

My dad would take the inner door handle off my door and just lock me up because I'd cry and he didn't know what to do about me and locking me up was easiest. And then I'd start screaming and he'd barge in and beat me up. Which obviously made me eventually try not to cry and then get hysterical when I did cry. Great!!!!!

And then he got a sick girlfriend who hated my behavior and she'd force me to apologize. And she'd sum up everything I did wrong for an hour until she would get so angry she'd start to shake and swear and scream. And I'd get upset and get hysterical and yeeted to my room, to be made to apologize the next evening. She has spat in my face as she talked and dragged my around by my tshirt, pushed me against the wall, waved a fist in my face.

And eventually she banned me from being at breakfast and banned me from being at home during the daytime and I started feeling ill and staying home from school and hiding out at home. Developed chronic pain and bizarre headaches and all hell on earth. School knew, did nothing. Eventually got kicked out to live with my mum.

Who is insane and who spent hours telling me my dad was abusive and completely ignoring her role in things and shouting and screaming when I asked her to stop. The neighbors called the police multiple times and my mother always lied and no one did anything

And my mental and physical health got worse and I stopped going to school and eventually managed to get myself into a clinic. Someone at the clinic told my dad off for threatening to hit me, she was sooooo angry when I told her. The disbelief on her face. He was so offended when she scolded him.

I ended up in a group home where there was never any time and no one knew what was wrong with me anyways so I'd still end up screaming in my room, embarrassing myself to the entire world and being scolded for it too. Some lady tried to be soft and kind and make tea and sit in the living room with the tea to wait until I'd "calmed down"..... I'd never calm down and only got more upset because now there was someone threatening me from behind the door, I'd only calm down once I was so tired I could do it anymore. I've screamed so loud that I burst blood vessels in my face and neck and gave myself tinnitus. I'd be too afraid to leave my room and would often sit with my back against the door, which is how I ended up damaging my elbows to the point of nerve damage. I don't think I learnt to regulate my emotions as a child/toddler, which is just humiliating.

I only realized I probably had trauma after I moved into my own apartment and got extremely scared when my neighbor across the hall would come home and I'd felt compelled to shut off my TV and drop what I was doing. Started getting nightmares.

Managed to see my GP and ask for therapy which I got and then I had therapy for 6 months where my therapist suggested I dissociated during sessions, which he never mentioned again after I said that no, the outside world doesn't start to sound far away - which doesn't actually mean I'm not dissociating, I don't think a person who is present could sit still for 30 minutes and not respond and not think and not "feel bored". I felt nothing and couldn't think, couldn't express what things I did feel or felt I needed.

My therapist would call my name and ask me to look at him which only made it worse because it turns out I'd dissociate during the girlfriends shouting matches and she and my dad would try to get my attention again by calling my name etc. So calling my name and asking for eye contact would only make me space out more.

Therapist suggested to just quit therapy and focus on other aspects of life, so I joined the sports club and spent time with friends which sort of helped but didn't reduce trauma symptom. Plus chaos ensued at the group home and I moved out and into a different place because I couldn't take the stress of constant fights and shouting matches.

The peace and quiet here did me some good, and having my own front door helps a lot. Started school again because endlessly sitting at home was making me worse. School is stressful but also fulfilling, seeing people is helpful. But making friends is terrifying. I asked a classmate to hang out and then had multiple dreams about him assaulting me. I feel like a burden all the time.

I overcompensate by trying to talk about my own problems as little as possible, or only of a sanitized version of my problems that I can tolerate to share.

Instead of emotional regulation skills I rationalize everything which doesn't help me at all. Makes me look very grown up to the people around me but it doesn't help me.

I'm lonely in the sense of needing someone capable to help me with things, my parents not being able to help me and professionals not having time. I got sexually assaulted at some point (not by a therapist or something lol) and then later got intimidated by someone else and it's lodged itself into my head. I'm too afraid to go to any appointment alone.

I once went to the orthodontist alone and got overwhelmed and asked the woman to stop and she snapped at me and I cried in the chair. She looked at me like I was acting like a child.

I never in those 6 months therapy was alone with my therapist and I wouldn't have been able to cope. (I had a physiotherapist saw me spasm at her touch and she told me to get a boyfriend to get over my touch aversion)

i was supposed to get EMDR when i was a young teen and i was supposed to get it when i was 18 and i never got anything at all.

Now I need to see the dentist and I've had to reschedule my appointment twice because no one from the staff from the place i live at could come with me. I dreamt about my teeth falling out because no one could go with me. Which is of course over dramatic but I do feel so pathetic about not being able to go to appointments alone. And there's no time to go to my appointments with me. never mind there being time to go to therapy with me, which mightn't even work because i dissociate and no one knows how to get me out.

I dissociated in the office while, wait for it, trying to write an email to a teacher with someone who was pushy and who kept interrupting me. Instead of someone taking the time to sit down next to me, calmly and without expectations, I was just repeatedly told to leave until they decided to grab me by both arms and drag me out of the office. Not to mention calling my name a hundred times and asking for eye contact a thousand times.

i had those issues with the debating and had to send a horribly embarrassing email to my teacher explaining why i couldnt do the debate and she just ignored it, and then questioned me about my past while i spaced out, acutely aware of how this would only make her more angry while being unable to do anything about it.

i later emailed my mentor about it and ive just been feeling so incredibly ashamed ever since. i just feel so pathetic. in the first test week i learnt that you werent allowed to leave the classroom at certain times and i asked my mentor how strict the rules were and he said that they werent really enforced and then asked me whether being unable to leave the room 'frightened me'. i wish i'd never talked so much with him about cps and special education. i didnt share much about home but we saw the same documentary about a young man who was abused for years, who went into therapy etc. i dont want my mentor to see anything of him in me.

(he has to talk to his students at the end of each semester, and he always chooses to sit in the little office where one of the walls is really just one window looking out into the main hall, so those appointments aren't threatening and it's weird to know that was a conscious choice. he has all his student appointments there but other teachers use different offices, theyre free to choose.)

lol i just want to be normal but i cant even do simple things. im constantly stressed, i think hypervigilance is the word. i dont know how to get out of it. idk how to cope with the fact that feeling like this will just be my life.

if i dont trust a dentist during a checkup, how can i ever date. i just feel so ashamed about all that too. i'd be intolerable to have a relationship with. imagine dating someone who has nightmares about you assaulting them. imagine dating someone who'll occasionally flinch at you touching them and who is sometimes afraid of you for small things you did but that aren't things to be freaked out by at all. you'd just start to feel guilty.

like literally what aspect of my life is still standing???? none. my grades are good i guess but they will be floored by oral exams :):)