#my motivation is such a fragile thing i swear it's like a tiny little flame that gets extinguished by the slightest gust of air

[a-dream-deferred]

mentalities that are currently making my life more difficult than it needs to be:

it's okay if i make a mess because i'm going to be the one cleaning it anyway

ugh my routine/plan was disrupted that means i'm going to do Nothing and my whole day is Ruined

[another-snape-story]

Night of Confessions

Chapter XV

After hastily bandaging his leg, Snape hurried straight to your private quarters. The other day he’d never had a thought of visiting you in such a late hour, but tonight everything was different.

“Please, open it,” he knocked at your door. “I need to talk to you…”

No answer followed.

His head almost resting on the wooden surface, Snape called out your name over and over again. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry,” he repeated – all in vain. Not a sound, not a rustle was to be heard from inside.

Frustrated, torn by hatred for himself, he gave up. The flat of his palm hit the door one last time and hopelessly slid down. Devastated, he remained standing there at the threshold, realizing he’s lost the only source of joy in his miserable life. But – what if you were not there? What if –

Snape rushed up to the Entrance Hall and out across the Viaduct Courtyard, past Greenhouses, right to your office. The last bit of hope which smoldered inside him now flared up, once he saw a dim light seeping through its windows.

Stepping carefully, almost stealthily, Snape found you curled up in the armchair. Unaware of someone’s presence, you cried quietly, yet selflessly. Snape’s heart shattered into pieces. Remorse mercilessly clenched its fists around his conscience, as he watched you through the doorway, not daring to enter. It was the first time he saw you crying. Tormenting awareness of being the reason of your tears seemed unbearable. Each second of hesitation caused excruciating pain. Unable to endure this any longer, Snape strode inside.

You jerked, frightened by unexpected stir at the entrance. A brief look was enough to recognize your visitor. You held your breath to suppress weeping and turned away not to let him see your face.

“Leave,” wiping tears away, you rose up to your feet and walked up to the windowsill, where fancy pots with various plants lined up a quaint multitude. Vision still hazy, absentmindedly, you stroked the leaf; not that it was dusty – you just needed to put your hands somewhere.

“No.” Snape slowly approached you from behind. There you stood – so fragile, so vulnerable. Your shoulders still shuddered a little. He instinctively reached out to wrap you into his arms, but stopped halfway – you wouldn’t accept him, not now. “I’m sorry,” he whispered. Words came out hard. “I’m not expecting you’d ever forgive me… I lied about the dog…”

No matter how wrong everything turned out just a while ago, internally you felt the need of having him beside. The fact that he came after you, that he found you here in the middle of the night meant he didn’t wish to leave this matter unresolved. Neither did you. You were ready to forgive him just for that.

Uncertainly, you turned to face him. A short woeful glance – and you lowered your head, embarrassed of how ugly, unattractive you might’ve looked.

“The forbidden corridor. That’s where I’ve been,” Snape continued. “The dog bit me, when I tried to find out who was after the stone…” His thoughts seemed to twist together into a confused mass – there was so much he wanted to say, but couldn’t put into words. “I lied to protect you! Keeping you safe – that was my only motivation. And this letter... the moment you saw the inscription… I worried about you! If you needed any sort of help, you could always count on me – that’s all I actually wanted you to know,” he sighed despondently. “I have no excuse for those words, I can’t explain why I had to say it. Of course, you don’t have to – Merlin… I’m bringing it up again…”

Shocked, overwhelmed with gratitude, yet hopeless, demolished with guilt – overflown with emotions – you threw yourself onto his chest.

“If I tell you, you’ll never want to look at me again,” you whined desperately. “You’ll despise me!”

You felt his hands land mildly on your shoulders, as he drew you closer.

“I swear – whatever you say, it won’t change my attitude towards you,” Snape promised quietly, his heart bleeding out.

“Oh yes, it will! It will, Snape!” you sobbed, clutching at his robes. You were so afraid of losing him, but now it seemed to be inevitable.

Without words, he pressed you tighter to himself and rested his chin on top of your head. He would hold you in his arms as long as you needed to calm down.

Tiny forks of flame continued dancing on the candlewicks, lightening two motionless figures merged into one another.

Realizing it couldn’t last forever, you pulled back a little, slipping out of Snape’s hold. Wrecked, emotionally drained, you stood before him utterly exposed. It was pointless to worry what he might think about your swollen face with tears smeared all over any more – another few minutes, and he would never turn his head in your direction.

“Come here,” Snape walked you to the armchair, his voice as soft as his touch. The man’s attention made you want to cry again, and your lips twitched. “Here we go,” he helped you sit, so carefully, as if you were not able to do it yourself and took place on the other armchair, opposite to yours.

“If you still want me to leave – I will…”

You vigorously shook your head.

“Okay… We don’t need to talk, you know. Let’s just sit here for a while…”

“It’s a long story,” you warned him apathetically, resigned with the worst outcome, which was now not to be avoided. What was the sense of delaying it?

“We have enough time till the morning,” Snape smiled mildly, but you didn’t answer.

“Before coming to Hogwarts, I was working in the Scientific Wizarding Assembly. You know it, I suppose.”

He nodded.

“I quitted because my boss was an asshole. He stole my research results. No credit of course. I was so pissed, I wanted to take the shit out of him.”

Snape listened attentively, his eyes fixed on you.

“I falsified some data, hoping he’d screw up. But he just gave it a go! Without testing!” your voice trembled. “Six men were injured severely, two men died! I didn’t mean that, Snape…” tears streamed down your cheeks. You covered your face with your palms, “I had no intention to harm someone…” you wept.

Snape frowned, deep in thought. “Do you still have this letter? May I have a look?”

His question surprised you. You’d expect anything, but this! You weakly came up to your working place, picked the creased sheet of paper and handed it to Snape, who followed you to your desk. You sagged back into the armchair, while he remained standing, intently studying the content.

“That’s where hurt pride and ambitions led me…” you sighed grievously, “…to Azkaban… I deserve this…”

“Stop it. No Azkaban.” His tone so firm, so resolute – the one hard not to believe.

“He says he’s going to imprison me…”

“Just words. Did you answer him?”

“Not yet.”

“Good.” The letter in his hands, Snape slowly strode across the room back and forth, his eyes running through the lines, and yours following his every movement. “So the accident happened after your dismissal.”

You nodded.

“They used your materials without contacting you,” he specified, and you nodded again.

“They carried no tests before bringing your data in operation,” Snape continued summing up the facts.

“He didn’t say it,” you sniffled, “but it’s evident according to the consequences.”

“It is,” he agreed. “Was it an accomplished piece of work?”

“Yes,” you sighed.

“Signed or officially approved any other way?”

“No.”

“It is not valid,” he gave you an encouraging smirk. “Ignore this man. Do not answer his letters. Especially – don’t try to exonerate yourself. The case will be investigated, we don’t need unwanted details to be revealed, do we?”

“But people died, Snape!” you exclaimed, bursting into tears again.

He carelessly threw the damned piece of paper aside and hurried to comfort you.

“It’s not your fault,” sitting on the edge of the armchair, he leaned forward and took your hands in his. “It’s not your fault, don’t blame yourself.”

“You’re not disappointed? Not disgusted?” you looked at him in disbelief.

“I have no reason to be,” he tightened his grip to let you know he really meant it.

“I’m sorry, Snape… I’m so sorry for throwing stupid reproaches you in the face,” you cried, unable and unwilling to hold back.

“It’s okay,” his quiet deep voice caressed your ears, while his hands caressed yours.

“I do trust you! I do! Truly! Entirely!” eyes locked on his, you desperately tried to see if he believed you.

Snape smiled sadly. “There are still many things I can’t tell you.”

“Yeah… I bet,” you gasped for air to even your breathing. “Maybe someday?”

“Maybe someday…” he reassured.

Relieved, untensed, you both sat in silence for a while.

“Snape?” you called him in barely a whisper.

“Hm?” his detached glance regained meaningfulness, as he raised his head to look at you.

“May I ask you a question?”

“Go ahead.” Although the serious tone of yours suggested it would be tough, Snape couldn’t reject you at this point.

“But promise to be honest with this one?”

Your eyes full of hope, would he dare to betray them?

“You’re putting me in a difficult position,” not very happy with available options, Snape sniggered bitterly.

“Please? Just one answer to just one question.”

“Okay,” he agreed.

“Have you ever done really bad things?” you asked, peering him in the eyes.

Calculating, what would damage your relationship more – if he lied or if he told the truth, doomed, Snape dropped his head. And this already was the answer.

“Don’t…” you stopped him, not willing to force the man so dear to you to say it aloud. “I shouldn’t have… I’m sorry…”

“I have,” he admitted. “Really – bad – things.” It took him all his courage to look at you again.

You’ve never thought you’d ever be so happy to hear a thing like that. You freed one hand from his grip and put it atop.

“Whatever it is,” you smiled gratefully, “my attitude towards you wouldn’t change.”

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[catsundercherryblossoms]

|Chapter  8: Belly of the Beast| Her Forgotten Past //Attack on Titan fanfic//

Rewind: 5 hours earlier

Hot. Boiling.

When I dropped into the Titan's stomach, I was submerged in a pool of boiling fluid. Every inch of my body burned. I clawed my way up, half swimming and half desperate flailing, until my head broke the surface and I was allowed to breathe again. What I breathed in could barely be called air. It felt like I was inhaling fire, shriveling my lungs and every other intestine in my body.

Blood. The boiling fluid in which I struggled to stay above was blood. I realized with ultimate horror that I was drenched in its sticky, crimson color. It coated my hair, it hung on my eyelashes, it was up my nostrils and worst of all, it was in my mouth.

A wave of nausea hit me.

And it only got worse once I noticed all the dead bodies floating around me.

I lost it. I fucking lost it.

My screams echoed off the walls of the Titan's stomach so loudly that it stirred little waves in the blood. I tried backing away but that only resulted in me bumping into more floating cadavers, lifeless with their mouths soundlessly open, the whites of their eyes peeking out. It was unclear whether I was crying blood or tears. There was no telling them apart when they rolled off my chin and dripped down.

This can't be happening... I just want to get out. Get me out of here, please.

Splash! Something broke the surface next to me. I didn't register it properly, assuming it was a dead body come to life, and I just kept screaming my head off. I tried slapping it away hysterically as it continued to get ahold of me.

"Johanna! Eurgh, stop! Johanna, it's me!"

It was no dead body. It was Eren. He blocked all my hits with one arm. One arm? I started to calm down, recognizing those startling green eyes even under the blood painting his face, and then I looked at his... well, the remnants of his left shoulder.

"Oh my god," I said weakly, "Eren... Your-"

"It hardly matters right now." He said grimly and looked around. "This is hell."

The thick, heavy air was becoming a little too much for me. It fogged up my senses and darkened my vision. My arms grew tired, unable to keep me afloat, and I began sinking.

"No!" Eren scooped me up in his one arm. "Johanna, please, you can't die first. Please, I can't watch you die like this."

What was going on? Everything was spinning. I could feel my cheek pressed against his uniform jacket as he held me close, probably scared that I might sink.

I focused on the life still abounding in Eren's eyes, knowing that life would soon leave mine. "You know," I said, barely above a whisper, "I always admired your determination..."

"No... please..." he pleaded tearfully.

My breaths were ragged. My strength was fading. I closed both eyes, unable to resist it any longer, and allowed myself to be enclosed in darkness.

But I could still hear Eren's choked voice... distant as if he were miles away, but present.

"Why... why do they take everything from us?" His hold on me tightened and he pulled me even closer against his chest. "Our lives... Our dreams... gone because of them. Damn it! Damn it all!" He growled and I could feel the reverb against his shirt, the sound coming deep within his core. It was wrathful to the point of primal. "I won't give up. I swear on God, I'll eliminate all of them! Every single Titan, with my bare hands!"

BOOM!

There was a deafening and sickening noise- like tearing flesh. Eren's hold on me disappeared. What was happening? Before I could even process the situation, my body landed on solid ground. The street, specifically. A wave of blood came down on me, like a broken dam releasing its flood, and I was soaked once again. I gasped for breath. 

Tall. Not just tall- giant. Fifteen meters of skin, muscle, and terror.

Somehow, I had encountered a completely different Titan from the one I had been trapped in seconds ago. It let out a monstrous roar, and ever so slowly, it's large head turned to look down at me.

I felt like a fragile shard of glass waiting to be stepped on.

The Titan's eyes bore into me, and I stared straight back. As bizarre as it seems, something clicked. It just clicked. That emerald gaze... why was it so familiar?

The Titan stretched out its hand, inching closer and closer to my tiny shape. I could not move, nor did I have the motivation. After all that's happened... dying didn't sound so bad.

The Titan picked me up on the palm of its hand, bringing me towards its mouth. I didn't even scream. I didn't even fight it. I simply accepted the situation as he opened his wide set of teeth. What caught my attention was how he placed me on his tongue. Deliberately. Almost like the beast was scared of eating me. Surely, my suspicions were ridiculous. Every titan's natural intention is to devour humans. It's what they do best.

But no. There was something different about this one.

He carefully closed his mouth and I was enshrouded in darkness. I could feel the whole side of my body turn slick with saliva. By now I was just waiting for the moment when he would tilt his head back and swallow me entirely. I was ready to welcome my demise.

But it never came.

Rumbling shudders and footsteps. We were walking. It appeared the beast had no plans on eating me, but instead preserving me. Weird.

Eventually, my body gave out due to exhaustion. I blacked out.

Fast Forward: Present time

"Annie, is she breathing?"

"Open the door!"

"This isn't real, this isn't real..."

Scuffling. Shouts. Threats.

"Dammit, she's not breathing! Does anyone know CPR?"

"There he is! Kill him!"

"Where are they taking Eren?"

"You're going to be okay. I promise. Dadda promises."

"Breathe!"

Air filled my lungs and I opened my eyes. The air no longer burned and instead it cooled my flaming insides. In, and out. In, and out. Inhale, exhale.

The blankness my mind had obtained in sleep started to become tainted. The past events came back to me slowly. Like paint trickling onto an empty canvas.

Bodies. Blood. Bodies. Blood. All around- everywhere- death.

I sat up, involuntarily screaming, as the horrible memories clouded my thinking. My whole body trembled. But not from cold.

"Jo! Easy, easy. I'm right here." Annie rushed to my side.

"Where am I?!" I asked. I was on a medical stretcher, a blanket thrown over me. I still wore my bloody, disgusting uniform except for my jacket and gear. Someone must've taken it off me, and if not, then it was probably lost...

"We're in Wall Rose. We're on stand by right now. No orders have been given." Annie explained. She reached into a crate and pulled out a jug of water. "Here, you're very dehydrated."

"No. Something happened to me, Annie." I ignored her offer and looked around. We were stationed under a tent on the side of the street. Soldiers ambled back and forth, leaning against stacks of supply crates or slumped hopelessly on the floor. It was a very monotone environment. Several heads turned in my direction. The way they stared at me was concerning. I wouldn't have labeled their gazes content to see me alive. No, it was definitely the complete opposite. They were suspicious.

Suspicious of what?

"Annie, people are staring at me." I whispered.

Her blue eyes, usually cold as glaciers, seemed to melt a little. "Jo, what's the last thing you remember?"

"I remember..." I stuttered, "G-Getting eaten... being in the Titan's stomach with Eren, and... something happened- I don't know what, but something happened and then I was out of the stomach. And then another Titan, Annie. Another Titan appeared." I told her shakily. Maybe I sounded insane, but I didn't care at the moment. "It was... different. It helped me."

She nodded. "We know."

I furrowed my brows. "You do?"

"There was this Titan- the same one you're talking about. And it helped us too. It killed all the other titans and assisted us while we took control of HQ." She said, placing a hand on my shoulder. "And... eventually it collapsed. Maybe it was all the damage it had taken, maybe something went wrong and it couldn't regenerate. Who knows? But when it died... Your body fell out of it’s mouth. And Eren..." Annie stopped herself.

I waited, desperate. "What? What about Eren? Please, don't tell me he's-"

"Dead?" She chuckled dryly. "No. It would've made more sense if he was. Eren came out of the weak spot. The nape of the neck. Somehow, he was the Titan."

I tried to take in her words. But she might as well have been talking another language. "What do you mean, he was the Titan?"

"Jo, Eren can turn into a Titan." Annie clarified. "He's one of them."

A pause. I stared back at her, considering her claim. In my mind's eye I was back in the Titan's stomach. The loud explosion, how the stomach had torn from the inside out, and the feeling of lying on the cold cobblestone street, drenched in blood, looking up at that second Titan that had appeared out of nowhere. Except it didn't come from nowhere. The Titan was Eren all along.

And he wasn't trying to eat me when he put me in his mouth. He was trying to keep me safe.

I got up abruptly and started looking around. "I need to talk to him."

"What? No, you need to stay put. You're still too weak!" Annie scolded and she grabbed my arm.

"I'm fine! I need to talk to Eren- just tell me where he is!" I shook her off.

If people were wary at first, they were definitely disapproving now. I must've been making a scene, because even people outside the tent were stopping on the street to watch. Maybe I wasn't thinking straight. Maybe I should listen to Annie and rest.

Fine, I will do that. After I find Eren.

"Get off me, Annie!" I struggled as she twisted both my arms behind me. "He helped me! He can help us too!"

"Help us?" A cadet spoke up. I stopped, recognizing him. He had been throwing up in the courtyard before the battle started. Daz, I think his name was. "You must be out of your mind! You're crazy! He's a monster from hell! The first thing he'll do is devour us, and you're gonna be first in line!"

Rationality was replaced with hostility. I snapped and ripped away from Annie's hold, lunging towards Daz. He let out a girlish scream and I tackled him down. Gasps spread across the tent. My hands fisted his collar and I bared my teeth at him.

"You don't know what you're talking about..." I said, and suddenly I was a whole other person. A person on the brink of insanity. "You weren't there! YOU DIDN'T SEE WHAT I SAW! They were all around me- bodies... and they were burning... and- and-" Suddenly I was bursting into uncontrollable sobs. It was like someone undid the last screw holding me together. I fell apart on the spot.

"Jo!" Another voice spoke up.

A pair of strong arms lifted me off Daz, who quickly scrambled onto his feet and took off. I wanted to fight the person now cradling me, but what was the point anymore?

"Its okay, you're going to be fine." Jean said with a frown, letting me cry into his chest.

“Keep it moving, people. Nothing to see here." Annie shooed away the others.

"You need to take it easy, okay? When we found you, you weren't breathing..." Jean said. His voice sounded exhausted. "It was probably because you stayed inside that Titan's mouth so long. We thought you might've suffocated. Reiner had to do CPR. It's a miracle you're even here..."

He hugged me tighter. My crying soon quelled and there was nothing left to do, nothing left to say. I felt heavy, exhausted, and worn down to the bone. But how would I ever sleep again? Every time I close my eyes, I see the lifeless faces of the fallen soldiers who rotted away in that damned Titan's stomach.

Rest seemed impossible.

BOOM!

The ground shuddered underneath our feet. I gripped Jean tighter. People gasped and screamed. Was that an explosion? From where?

We rushed outside of the tent and checked the street.

"Was that cannon fire?" Bertholdt asked next to me.

"But why just one shot?" Jean said, confused.

"Look! Over there!" A random soldier shouted. He pointed to the sky.

Up ahead, we could see smoke. It appeared to be originating in the town square by the gate.

"Maybe they fired a shell by accident?" someone said behind me.

No. The cannon fire couldn't have been a mistake. The wall Garrison may be comprised of heavy drinkers, but they weren't stupid. Especially in a tense situation like this. They were qualified soldiers and knew how to work the cannons. But more importantly, when it comes to defending, they never missed their target.

That shot was everything but accidental. Something sketchy was happening right under our noses.

I observed the smoke, and furrowing my brows, I realized it wasn't smoke at all. It was undoubtedly steam. Titan steam.

There was a Titan inside the walls.

Except, that's impossible. Wall Rose didn't have a breach. The only way a Titan could get inside is if...

They could fit through the gate. If they were human size.

Of course...

I looked at Jean, alarmed. He returned my look and gulped.

Well... Now we knew where Eren was.

End of Chapter 8