#my most toxic quality is that i wont kill myself

[fuckyouimashaaarrk]

Genuinely asking, does it get better? I'm almost 26 and it feels like my entire life has been spent wishing I was dead or never born... Just curious when that ends cuz I can't take it anymore I wanna die and release everyone in my life from the burden of knowing me... Just seems unfair to myself but everyone I know, you know? Like, if I just disappeared right now, everyone would be better off. Nobody would have to deal with me being so emotional and angry, how I say toxic shitty things all the time, how I'm lazy and stupid and just generally a drain... When do these feelings stop?? I want them to stop

[eighties-goth-suicide-note]

writing this shit so you wont leave me ( go to sleep ) - kitten - house cat - stray cat - big cat - wildcat - purring - sunbathing - hissing - biting - hunting - scratching - meowing - pouncing - claws - whiskers - collar - catnip - pawprints - night vision thats all from me for now I EXPECT AN ANSWER TO EVERY QUESTION!!!! ;333

i love you my bpd prince <33

kitten 🤍 who was your first darling?

you, silly, and you always will be 🫀

house cat 🤍 what kind of attention do you want from your darling?

k…kidnap…glass cage… SORRY IT WAS THE DEMONS AGAIN i loooove when you lay on me and i can brush your prettty hair and and when you stalk me i giggle and blush like a school girl :333 you could put knife to my neck and i would just ask you if we are gonna kiss!!

stray cat 🤍 how do you feel when your darling interacts with others?

it makes me want to kill myself and choke you to death!!! only i should matter to you!! am i not perfect for you!! interacting with others wont happen EVER because i will kill everyone who ever will try to look at you lalalalalala ^___^

big cat 🤍 do you want to control your darling?

…i know your location 24/7 and have access to your phone…it speaks for itself…

wildcat 🤍 what are some fantasies you have about your darling?

you kidnapping me and locking me in the basement after silly me decided to be upset without a reason so i will learn my lesson!! i would only see you and you would take care of me!!! and i wouldnt be allowwd to go outside because people there could stare at me and im just only YOUR doll!! ^-^ or or me choking you until you almost faint!! biting scratching you,, your body is truly the most delicious meal EVER!! i will literally rip you apart and feast on you like a wild beast i deserve it, i want to see you begging and my hands dirty with your blood,, and then i would take care of you because you are such a good boy and make me happy everyday!! i would clean your wounds, kiss them and make your favorite dish!! sorry i went a little bit insane with this sowwy :3

purring 🤍 what are your top love languages?

quality time…and you made me like physicsl touch..i demand back rubs and headpats NOW.

sunbathing 🤍 what would be your ideal hangout or date with your darling?

i only need to see your face to have idea date.

hissing 🤍 are you jealous?

^___^lalalalalala guess !!!!

biting 🤍 does your obsession makes you violent?

….sometimes…but i control myself when it comes

to you…BUT YOU ARE SOOOO ADORABLE I WANT TO EAT YOU ALIVEEEE

hunting 🤍 do you get to find new darling?

NO. i want to get old with you!!

scratching 🤍 how do you cope with toxic urges you have related to your darling?

…i dissociate…

meowing 🤍 how do you express your love?

WITH EVERYTHING!! i would buy whole world for you!! write so many letters that my hands fall off!! kiss you so much my lips start to rot!!

pouncing 🤍 do you stalk your darling? if yes, how?

🤫

claws 🤍 how do you react to any obstacles between you and your darling? what if they cheated?

i destroy every obstacle that comes to our way!! my mom few months wasnt allowinh to sleepovers?? and now?? my friend didnt likr my bf?? i cut them off without a hesitation ^__^ anf if you ever cheat on me i will break wvery bone in your body!! just the thought of it makes me sick!! i wpuld chole you so bad my fists will pierce your flesh and i will watch you bleed out with a smile!!!! i will make sure it will be slow and paintf!! no one will love you like me!! you will die lnowing you hurt only person who only cared about you and loved you so deeply!!

whiskers 🤍 how close are you with your darling?

we are basically tied tigether :3

collar 🤍 whats the worst thing you could do for your darling?

i dont know.. .. i can cut off everyone.. or hurtmyself if it would made him happy

catnip 🤍 what are your favorite things about your darling?

EVERYTHING I LOVE ALL HIS GOOD AND BAD SIDES I LOVE ALL OF THEM

pawprints 🤍 what are your favorite memories with your darling?

our first date… >w<

night vision 🤍 do you have dreams about your darling?

YES!! they are my favorite ones..especially the ones where we live together..have small cottage..we have cat opposum..dog..2 rats and we go on forest walks everydY…i read books while you sleep on my lap on autumn evevning..i love you so much..

[philosophicalparadox]

Dark Headcannons for the Demon Bois, part 2.a : Physiological Adaptations and Defense Mechanisms (physical)

I continue this ideology with more horror HC's (kind of) detailing some of the physiology and physical defenses of our boys - HOWEVER there is quite a bit of science invested in this particular post, so there's a little explaining to do first.

Note: I have removed Iblis from the list for the next few rounds because we really dont know anything about her, and I've also removed Egyn because I have zero idea what kind of adaptations he has since no one's ever seen his body. Azazel is floating in kind of the same boat. We seen his clones, but not him, and we have only really seen two of his kin - from that alone its hard to tell. We haven't even seen Beelzebub except in Gehenna, and for all we know they are stuck there. Im basing all this off hypothetical and mythological sources as well as my knowledge of animal and human anatomy.

Onward!

But first! (Yep, scientific Exposition Time Baby! I promise it won't be long) Something that strikes me odd is that all demons seem to be stronger physically than their non possessed counterparts, and so for the sake of not repeating myself where unessessary, we will assume this is due to increased muscular density, as a default which is the same thing that allows much smaller primates to be much stronger than ourselves.

However, be aware that there are MANY factors that influence physical strength alone - efficiency of respiration, bodily waste management (aka, kidney and liver function) and efficiency of metabolic processes (digestive system, pancreas, and again liver). I'll touch on all these things in their own right, but just to let you know, everything is interconnected.

Onward!

Samael

Is, in everyday scenarios, about 7x stronger than the average human. In times of high adrenaline that can shoot up to 10, due to possessing a unique respiratory system, detailed below.

Samael has a physique designed to be an ambush predator, with a body that puts nothing to waste, but he is also built for bursts of speed and agility, both skills vital for his hunting strategy type, detailed in part one, to be effective. Standing out in a crowd may lull prey into a false sense of security, but it also draws a lot of attention from competitors, as well as parasitic predators like Chuchi and Coltars.

Samael is a demon often depicted with avian wings, and for his body to put out the strength it does and be able to at least glide requires an avian-modeled respiratory system. In other words he breathes with lungs, but has additional air sacs in his chest and abdomen to draw as much oxygen from the air as possible. For a demon optimized for bursts of speed and high agility, being able to metabolize large amounts of oxygen very quickly is vital.

More vital still though is having the kidneys and liver to be able to handle it. I suspect he would have a lobed liver akin to a rabbit, and kidneys much like a cat. Technically speaking, if he eats right, he never actually has to drink any water. His kidneys are that efficient.

Now onto the fun one: bones. High density muscles put out huge forces on the bones they are attached to. There are two ways to fix that: make the bone harder and denser, or make the bone softer and flexible with cartilage. Samael does the former. The most efficient way to have denser bones without adding weight is to make them hollow, at the sacrifice of not having much bone marrow. This works out perfectly though, since to metabolize high rates of oxygen you need specialized red blood cells with lots and lots of hemoglobin, and hollow bones allow for the production of just enough of these cells.

Now that the basics are out of the way, Samael has some other unique adaptations, including a ratcheted tendon system in his forearms, like those found in raptors. This gives him a virtually unbreakable, iron-strong grip from which escape is virtually impossible. Combine that with talon-like claws and long fingers that can really dig in, and you're screwed from the word "go".

Making that escape even more impossible is his highly flexible joints, which make twisting out of his grasp before he has a chance to bite damn near unheard of. Remember, it only takes one bite to kill. If he catches you, you're dead already.

As far as defensive abilities go, Samael hasn't got any besides evasion. So much of his body is devoted to being a specialist that there isnt any room for special physical defenses - in fact his hollow bones, while very good at handling internal stresses, are no less brittle than a birds when it comes to some external forces. A sledgehammer to the side of his thigh (impact) would absolutely shatter his femur bone, though he can land on his feet from a great height (compression) and barely bruise.

Lucifer

Is maybe 5x stronger than the average human, on a really good day. He has a bit of muscle, but he is a magic user, not a berserker. On his bad days he can dip below a 1.

Physically he isn't too different from a human mostly, other than having an ultra efficient heart and lungs that are 20% larger to compensate for his increased muscle density.

Except that he has very strange cells. To all appearance his body is mostly human, but one look under the microscope would tell you instantly that something is odd about this duck, because his cells have tiny crystals in them. These crystals are of unknown composition, but they are thought to assist with fluorescence, or the production of the stuff mentioned below.

Also odd about his cells is that they're filled with an almost cellulose like substance instead of normal cytoplasm. Its a bit denser and is THE most heat resistant organic substance on earth. It also makes his cells completely immune to all forms of radiation - this boy could literally survive a nuclear explosion as long as he was in a shelter where he couldn't be impacted by debris or the shockwave. Heat and radiation from it would be like a sunburn at worst.

However, he is not fireproof. While this substance is resistant to heat, it is not resistant to oxidation, so it WILL burn. Not well, and not fast, but it will burn.

Which leads me to the fact that he has some very unique organelles. Multiple types of mitochondria, Golgi bodies and ribosomes help manufacture the weirdness.

Part of that weirdness is of unknown deadliness though. When fully charged up, the light he emits contains dangerous wavelengths, and further study has yet to be done on whether and what types of radiation he may emit. It is known that his dense cytoplasmic substance can hold onto nuclear radiation, but does so very briefly.

As far as defenses go, he does actually have a pretty interesting, but accidental one, for the dense cytoplasmic substance of his cells naturally permeates into his blood plasma. This substance is extremely bitter and even potentially toxic at high enough doses. A mouthful of Lucifer's blood is enough to induce severe nausea, vomiting, cramping of the intestines (colic), and if swallowed, diarrhoea.

The strange substance of his cells also mediates the use of Elixir that is specific to himself. Elixir used for other purposes are rejects of the ones formulated just for him, and are effective at treating a wide variety of things.

On a related but unrelated note, though, the elixir has nasty side effects on humans and demons alike, often triggering the onset of various cancers and cysts, though it's not clear why this happens to some and not others. It is not known why Lucifer is seemingly immune to these side effects, but he could, potentially, be immune to cancer altogether.

Amaimon

Amaimon is a fucking draft horse, with a baseline strength of 9x that of a human. That's somewhere slightly above a pissed off gorilla and/or an attacking tiger, for reference. In high adrenalized mode, that number shoots up to a 12, which is about as high as biology will let anything go, courtesy square cube law.

His muscles are SO dense and heavy, in fact, that he is incapable of floating in water. He also isn't very fast for long distances. He has high stamina at low energy output, and low stamina at high energy output. He can walk for days on end, but in a dead sprint he can't go more than a kilometer at best before his muscles start to rip him apart.

Which leads to : bones. Amaimon takes a very reptilian approach to the issue of having super powerful muscles, and has fibrin and cartilage reinforced bones that bow rather than break. However, these bones have many sharp angles for muscular attachments, and as a result are very poor at resisting torsion (twisting) and high rates of compression. The last thing he wants to do is land on his feet from a great height, for he is likely to fracture his long bones.

But those are not the only bones he has - much like monitor lizards, including komodo dragons, he has ossicones embedded in his skin, forming a chain-mail mesh of steely bone just below the dermis that makes his skin very resistant to slashes and cuts, but very weak to stabbing and thrusting. Cleaving into him wont do much damage, but impaling him on a pike works great.

His organs are strange, made stranger by his blood, which has a pH value of 7.8, far more alkaline than most viruses or bacteria can survive, making him virtually immune to disease. Unfortunately that also impacts the bacteria in his gut, which as a consequence can exist nowhere else on earth.

On the flip side, his stomach secretes acid that is so caustic it dissolves bone in hours, and also destroys even the worst of pathogens. As touched upon before, he can regurgitate this acid onto attackers in self defense, even going so far as to spit it at them from a distance of two meters. It has a patently unpleasant odor too, adding to its defensive quality.

Amaimons claws are semi retractable and grizzly-like, making them excellent tools for digging and prying things apart. They're also really good at ripping people apart, and there is no armor that can really do effective justice except for one: spiky. His skin isn't super resistant to impalement, remember, so the pricklier the better. That is assuming he cant chip away at it. Good luck with that.

Another organ to mention is his tail. It's not exactly prehensile, but it is flexible and very, very powerful. One whack across the midsection could kill a man. In fact his tail is often his first line of defense against attackers; it's so robust and armored that it's almost impossible to injure, and it hits like a truck. Good for offense or defense, or even just lazing around.

Astaroth

Fungi boy has an average strength of just twice that of a human. But when pushed to his limits, he can use hydraulic musculature to increase his strength to 9x that of the average human.

Speaking of which, Astaroth has some weird musculature- or lack thereof. Rather than having ordinary, dense tissue, he instead has a hydraulic system of movement akin to that of a worm or slug. Not only that, but his muscles are not his own - rather they are controlled by slime molds, with which he has a symbiotic relationship. The muscles are very little muscle tissue and a whole lot of mycellial fibers. His body is literally made of fungus, controlled by fungi and microorganisms, and is fed and defended by these things.

He is, in light of this, able to turn his body temperature on or off in any area he needs to at-will, giving his slimy friends the home they need.

He has a perfect mastery over the simple organisms he controls, and can exchange them at will. This combined with the ability to live without body heat means he is completely immune to all but the most severe of environments. As long as he has access to moisture, he can survive and thrive at sub zero temperatures and well into the triple digits. However he can not live without his slimy friends, and so can not endure drought very well. Deserts are the bane of his existence.

When it comes to defenses, Astaroth is nothing but. Toxic spores, all colours of miasma, foul smells, and even sharp needles and thorns when necessary. Nothing with a lick of sense would dare try to eat him, with the exception of microorganisms and parasites thereof - but it's not him they consume, but his symbiotes, which again he can simply discard or exchange as need be.

He is however very slow moving, typically, and doesn't really have a 'flee' or 'fight' response. Instead he freezes, exuding and oozing his more unfriendly companions to deter attack. If this should fail though, however unlikely, he is remarkably fragile and slow to heal, though virtually impossible to kill.

His only real weakness is well established: fire. It is the great sterilizer, though light is also not something he can easily defend against either. Neither are vacuums and immense air pressure. Basically if it's not within the realms of ordinary natural phenomena he has no ability to escape or defend. This gives him an edge against the younger of the Kings, but makes him powerless against the older half.

Whew! That was a lot. This post took FOREVER to make!

Questions and comments are welcome, reading with a grain of salt in mind is recommended.

[desirableendings]

Cancel culture

I’m so upset right now. I’m gonna try to put my thoughts in a coherent form but I’m afraid I won’t be completely capable.

This is about cancel culture and about how unhealthy and toxic it is both in the realm of cancelling people and cancelling works of fiction.

This is about in particular two situations that triggered this reaction on me that I consider both really dangerous, and though both probably came from an initial place of worry and accountability what they both achieved was the opposite.

I also come to tumblr, where probably almost no one will read me, but where I know cancel culture it’s more in hype. This is why I want this text to be on my blog, for anyone that follows me and anyone that might come after to see.

I’ll start with the problem of cancelling fiction. Because there’s a difference between being critic and wanting something to disappear from the face of the earth and fall into oblivion. You might think I’m exaggerating or using hyperbole to establish an argument, but I’m not. Cancel culture fueled by rage doesn’t look for reparation, doesn’t look for growth, doesn’t look for real accountability it looks to burn and destroy. Cancel culture it’s fueled by shame because those who foment it cannot stand something problematic to exist, but even worse cannot stand that to exist within them. Now tell me, how is this not close to burning books, something most conservative cultures have done several times when disagreeing with a particular posture or when fearful of the reaches of fiction to critical and open minded thinking. 

Fiction is not there to paint you pretty worlds in which every single character it’s perfect for you, fiction it’s not there to be morally acceptable to you, fiction is not there to rewrite history and tell you an unproblematic version of it. Fiction is there to be read critically, to be interpreted, to be questioned and to question as well, that’s why it is highly feared by dictatorships and extreme governments. You read something (and by this I mean book, tv show, movie, audio, ANY type of fiction that its read when its interpreted) and you can point its flaws, see its blind spots, learn from its characters and then maybe get inspired and write something that speaks more closely to you. What cancel culture does, though, is not even read it critically, but just throw it to the fire pit and watch it burn while warning anyone else to not ever read it again, not form your own opinions, not create new critics, NOT held it accountable, because how can someone hold something accountable without having the chance of reading it? No, just ignore it, forget it, burn it, because it’s problematic.

My example for this is Hamilton. I’ve been hearing for ages that it has become problematic and thus it should be canceled, but until now I haven’t been able to reach the arguments behind it. But of course with the whole release from Disney everything exploded, and by everything I mean a weird mixture between the people that want to cancel Lin Manuel Miranda and the ones that want to cancel Hamilton, and the ones that mix both and conclude the best way of doing it it’s canceling Hamilton first. For the sake of this argument I will focus only in the canceling of Hamilton which gets based in four principal arguments: 1. It portrays as main characters problematic people who were real life slavers, and shows them instead as the heroes founding fathers of the USA, without addressing their problems one by one. 2. Lin Manuel Miranda’s relationship with Puerto Rico, Puerto Rico’s policies and the way he brought Hamilton to Puerto Rico. 3. Some well done critical articles that don’t cancel either, but rather present what happened and what both Lin Manuel Miranda and Hamilton should be held accountable critically, but instead are used to cancel both of them. 4. The fact that Alexander Hamilton, the real figure, it’s portrayed free of charge of also engaging in problematic behaviors specially those related to slavery and the creation of banks and kind of the capitalist culture of the US.

Now, in the sake of criticism and holding things accountable but NOT cancelling them, let’s address each one by one: 1. Hamilton its based in real people that were problematic, and slavers and racist, BUT that also coincidentally fought for the independence of the US and were the founding fathers, and there’s nothing you can do about it. You can cancel them and want to forget they existed but the truth is that the US it’s what it is because of them and their actions, and actually most of today’s issues with race and capitalism are because of that history, and until we all accept the US comes from that we wont be able to change it and move on, REMEMBERING were it came from. Believe me, being a person of color that comes from colonialism and that had to come to the hard truth that I am what I am because of the people that came and killed and raped and stole, and that I even carry part of their blood because most latin American population is mixed race, and that just is what it is, I understand how hard but necessary this process is. Do I think Christopher Colombus should be praised each year and celebrated in statues all across the world? HELL NO, do I think we should all kill him in our memories forever and cancel him? HELL NO, because I come from that, it’s part of who I am, and I’ll remember him, but holding him accountable for the genocide and exploitation of the land and people of America, and for in the end forming part of the mixed race I belong to. Denying or canceling this or him would be canceling a part of myself that I HAVE TO LIVE WITH FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. So, yes. The founding fathers were problematic, hell yeah, they were racist as well, but the musical Hamilton addresses this in some ways that the story Lin Manuel Miranda is trying to tell allows, without only focusing on it because that’s one of its flaws we have to hold the musical accountable for even if its out of the reach of the musical. What the musical actually DOES is that it casts people of color in their roles as a criticism and a way of saying that the US of now is not the white US they were trying to make back then, and that the power should shift, and OF COURSE he is criticizing slavery not only by the verses in the Cabinet Battle that everyone seemed to conveniently forget, but also in this subversion of casting and the way he decided to tell this very traditional part of history through RAP, a genre that comes and its largely belonging to black culture. This is actually a clever way of holding a history you cannot change, accountable for its previous violences, and also calling out current violences that people will only come to notice by watching the musical and questioning themselves about why they expect other cast, music and history, and that’s all in the nuances you can only get from READING through it. 

While we are at it let’s address point 4: I don’t know which musical these people has been seeing but Hamilton is hardly a saint, neither presented as one, in the musical, he is a tragic character at best, he has a lot of qualities but these same qualities are the ones that condemn him to disgrace and ultimately early death. But he is mostly shown as a human, and I honestly don’t know in which part of cancel culture “human” started being equivalent to pure and free of charge but that’s far from it. Human means conscious, capable of mistakes and capable of causing hurt, but also capable of growing and reparation that heals oneself and others. Do I wished the musical would have been more critical of the way Hamilton introduced a capitalist culture as the best one and the way he criticized slavery but did nothing about it personally... yes, but the only way I can make this criticism and hold it accountable is because I watch and listened to it, took the good and identified the bad, and recognized both.

The second and third point have absolutely nothing to do with the musical whatsoever, but with its creator and the poor interpretation of proper criticism. And thus is that what should be held accountable, Lin Manuel Miranda as a person, and the situations that happened related to him and his decisions. Now, about the link of profit and “supporting” Hamilton, by all means don’t do this if you think him and the people involved (because a musical it’s never done by just one person), doesn’t deserve it. I, for one, I’m certain that Disney does not need or deserve a single dollar more, they are quite rich already. But not watching Hamilton when its eventually published in Disney + is miles away from erasing Hamilton from existing, not listening to its songs and forgetting about it because it is problematic. These last things are the equivalent of burning it, and I recommend listening to the song Burn from the same musical to learn about what fire does to words.

Now, the problem of cancelling people. If in fiction cancelling it’s equivalent to burning books in human beings its equivalent to murder, and I’m not exaggerating here either, because it is. And again here there’s a difference between holding people accountable for their mistakes and just erasing them from the face of the earth because they fucked up. And here the same problem as before stands, if you cancel them you are also taking away the opportunity of holding them accountable, because if there’s no one there to listen, then why would they even bother saying sorry and trying to fix their wrongs. Basically, cancelling people not only murders them but also gives them a free pass to be someone else and not repair those they hurt with their problematic behavior before. Like, what the fuck do you think happens in peace treaties after wars and process of reparation and restitution are in place? THE OPPOSITE OF CANCEL CULTURE. In reparation processes after a lot of violence has been done to victims, the process is to listen and hear words of repentance, that help victims heal and forgive, so BOTH parts can continue living a better life. Because turns out in the end we are all human beings that want to live and continue to live and we only get ONE life to do so, and if you take the chance for a person to live their lives, then how is that not taking also their lives away? How is not giving the possibility of growth and forgiveness not burning them alive, as if you get to choose over their future??

My example for this case is Jenna Marbles, and how ridiculous and upsetting is that people really wanted to cancel her from mistakes she made AGES ago, that she clearly grew from, as it’s evident from the person she is now and her everyday current actions, and also from the way she is clearly ashamed and upset about it, as it’s clear from the fact she had private the offensive videos so people didn’t reach them and get hurt by them. Jenna is a human being, that’s also clearly hurt by what she did but mostly from the fact that no matter what you do, how you repair, how you grow, the internet is fixated in letting you drown in your mistakes forever, and I’m sorry but how is that not killing someone and not letting them live their life to be a better person? How is that not as problematic as the so judged original behaviors?

In the end I just want for all of us to stop being so hypocritical at aiming judgements and cancelations at everyone else before looking at ourselves, our own violences and problems and understanding if we could grow and be critical of them to continue living, then so can others.

How about we let them do so.

[autorobotcollectorx]

Another Furby Fandom Issue

Hey everyone i want to address a few things and i have been holding out on doing this because i am just so sick of this hate and drama against me.I am going to discuss some personal happenings in my life since i don’t think there is any other way of defending myself unless i am %100 truthful on why these things happen.I’m going to address my sales first then the harassment.

TRIGGER WARNING : Talk about suicidal feelings and actions(no gory detail but implied) Mental Health,Child Abuse Neglect,Depression,Sexual abuse.

I am selling some furbies and at good prices at that because i want people who can’t afford furbies to have a chance of owning some.I have explained to people or atleast tried to explain why shipments are late or photos are as well.Here are some answers to questions and concerns people might have had. 

Why is my shipment taking so long? Sometimes i ship next day and sometimes i cannot.This is due to my lack of mobility since i am not able to drive i don’t have a say in what time of day i do go out and by then the post office is closed.I also can’t spare the money to use uber because i don’t have a job and am unable to work. My fiance comes to see me everyday but he usually gets off at 8:00pm and by then all the post offices are closed.So usually we set up a day i can go out and ship the items.Please don’t forget about my shipping days i have no problem discussing that with you.A few people who also had delays were due to me being hospitalized(I made up other excuses because i did not want to put emotional baggage on these people)These amazing people were very kind to me and got their furbies shipped to then when i could.Due to my living conditions i get very depressed and yes suicidal and i had hurt myself that time pretty badly.I hurt myself allot in non physical ways but that time was different and i am driven to such feelings often.

There was also a problem i got with one of my costumers when he sent a payment and i was getting so many payments for furbies that i did not notice his until a week later when he contacted me asking if i had sent the furby yet.It really got me anxious that something like that slipped by me and i hope he has no hard feelings for that.Things like this also happen because allot does slip my mind when i am under allot of stress.

Does My Furby Work?Is It In Good Condition? If this question crosses your mind please ask for me to test the furby and to take outdoor photos i have no issue doing that.Please never be afraid to ask for a refund if the furby you got is not what you wanted upon arrival.No one has contacted me after but it seems like a person was not pleased with the quality of a furby they got from me?Yet they NEVER contacted me again so i assumed the transaction was a success.You have to remember furbies are over twenty years old and unless they are fresh out of the box most will not be in mint condition that is out of my control.The furby i sold i had named Dusty and was bought from a smokers home i just had not got around to washing him.

I Don’t Feel Comfortable Buying Using Friends And Family!! If this is the case please state that up front i have no issue taking payments threw goods and services.I have been scolded for it and now i am not accepting payments unless its threw goods and services from now on i did not realize i was causing an issue and i am sorry if i made anyone feel uneasy.I had paypal accounts in the past where the money was held for two weeks not even using ebay and this happened.I try to get furbs out to people as soon as i can and i sometimes worry that i will upset someone.

You Lie About What You Use The Money For This is the furthest from the truth!I have needed money for several different things at different times like everyone who makes money will do.Once i had it that i needed money for a con and why should that be a bad thing?I hardly go anywhere and cons don’t happen often for me.I am allowed to treat myself sometimes its none of you’re concern if i use my money to get a furby or a coffee even though most of my money goes to getting food for me and my animals.

I’m sorry if i have cause any issues to anyone nothing i have done was to spite anyone,anger anyone or to scam people.

IF ANYONE HAS ANYTHING TO ADD PLEASE PM ME AND I WILL ADDRESS IT!!

You REALLY wanna know why i need the money?!

Currently i am trying to save $500 or more to get out of a household that is toxic for me.Thats not much money to many but i am solely selling furbies because i have ran out of personal items that have value to sell.My living environment is currently living in a small room with hardly any space little to no air conditioning and called a slob because i am unable to clean the mess my parakeets make.They don’t have a vacuum and my parakeets eat these small seeds that when they fly around their cage the husks of the shells fly out of the cage and onto the carpet.This room is also full of my grandmothers items because they are hoarders (in their own words).As well as all the drama causing me to be so depressed that i have had no motivation to clean.I am misgendered on a daily basis and told “Oh but you are too pretty to be a boy” and more inappropriately comments on my female chest and body.Told to shave and how much better i would look as a girl.As well as told i am fat because i have stretch marks and how i need to eat less.I have PCOS and since i have lived here i have lost over fifty pounds because i usually (If i am lucky) eat once a day or twice.Things such as an avacado and a noodle pack.Thats why i am so stressed on money that and i need to keep my animals fed and healthy usually putting them before myself.

Since i have been living here my family has stolen $400 i made by selling an aibo that was special to me,my phone was stolen and one of my most therapeutic pets was taken,I was then told i killed him and gas lighted for about a month in a half about what i had done even though in reality my mother had stolen him from me.She was upset because i had made some friends and was out at the park with them.It was easy because i have no lock on my door or privacy.I ended up stealing him back and i had the cops called on me.My narcissistic mother and abusive step dad came over to defend my mom saying i stole their animal and since i was ftm the cops (which i already had issues with before because of my identity) had me hand over my snake and taken to a mental hospital.While demanding i hand my snake to my mom i started to cry and shake my snake was VERY underweight and sick looking and i was afraid for his safety.When my step dad saw me crying he started laughing at me loudly then whispered to my mother who was smiling over at me as well and saying out loud “I love you” to me.When i was trying to explain more to the cop he said “If you don’t give them back their snake i will arrest you” while he put his hand on his belt near the gun.(if you want to hear the story in more detail i can send you a link)

I have always been told since i was a child that i am an issue and that i am taking up space,now i am an adult and i am always made to feel like i  am not welcomed anywhere i live and that i need to leave or will be kicked out.This is currently the case where i live and again i feel like i am a burden on everyone i associate with.If i am kicked out now i would have to live with a “friend” of mines again and have no choice but to let him use me again.This first time this happened when i was nineteen he was forty eight and had no wheres to go and i had no other option other then to go to him or rid myself so i wont cause anymore inconvenience.I come from a broken family and narcissistic parents so being an outcast is nothing i am not use to but still makes me want to hurt myself and hate myself more.I was always the black sheep,escape goat and nothing i did was good enough or mattered to my mother.The reason i am unable to drive is because of the physical abuse i faced as a child and denial of medical care after the fact.I just want to fit in and for people to like me.

Not to mention i have childhood schizophrenia and sometimes don’t respond correctly to people or situations. 

I just wish i felt welcomed in a community for once.All i have going for me right now that helps me is the furby and furry fandom.Furbies make me calm and feel safe because they remind me of my childhood before my mother changed and before i lived with my abusive step dad.I know i may seem childish but i’m not sure what to tell you i am the way i am because of my upbringing and sometimes doing silly things,using ^^,uwu,ect collecting and carrying a furby with me when i am in public makes me just feel a little bit more okay.Just feels like everyone is working against me and wants me gone like everyone else has.

Please if anything please stop sending me asks such as “Please leave you are so toxic” “just reported you~” and others calling me an idiot,stupid,scammer,ect.This is not what i joined the fandom for and you should really be shamed for treating me like this over simple mistakes that i did not even mean to make.Can everyone just please leave me alone if you have nothing nice to say keep it to yourself.

I HATE that i have to talk about all of this but i just want to get away from my family and i wanted to start a new life offline and online with people who like the same things i do because i have never had that kind of acceptance in a community in my life.I want to be with my fiance and safe from myself and my family.I want to be a good person and be here for people and treat people right.Funny thing the things i have said are just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to my abuse and neglect i rather not spill everything.

I am sick of defending myself at every turn here is what happened if you missed it. https://autorobotcollectorx.tumblr.com/post/186489467324/i-saw-the-post-reblogged-from-autorobotcollectorx

Again PM me if you have a complaint instead of re-blogging this and causing me further stress i really can’t handle more right now. I might as well sell all my furbies and rid myself at thispoint.

Edit: 5am and still awake..well guess i wont be sleeping tonight either.I slept good last night but the night before i did not sleep either.I’m just a restless hungry mess.

[not-so-cliche-girl]

Sick to my stomach

Usually with a title like that you'd assume someone did really me wrong. But it's me, all of it. I make me sick to my own stomach

I'm garbage

I hate who I am but refuse change

I give people shit for being scared of things like height and water and being spontaneous

But I'm fucking terrified of commitment I want no part of it which is hard if you want a family.

I dont want to feel stuck, I dont want to get a divorce I'm so fucking terrified of making things legal and not being able to leave without battling it out in a court system that's always been faulty.

I've seen people fall out of love more times than I can count, it's all I fucking know. It feels like I'm committing a crime when I cant reciprocate the feelings someone give me

I feel guilty for something I can't control and that's how I've felt forever and it lead to me staying in very toxic relationships and I still haven't learned my lesson.

My mom and dad never married and still split.

My mom and step dad divorced and cause me the most heartache that I've ever felt. It hurt more than being thrown down stairs by the same man. It hurt more than getting kicked out in the dead of winter. It hurt more than the countless times they overlooked my tears and proved over and over again that I dont matter let alone my emotions.

My grandma and grandpa divorce cause he was addicted to probably more drugs than I was told about and laid his hands on my grandmother and aunt

My grandma and grandpa on my stepdad side divorced. He just didnt love her anymore. I saw her break. I saw her life crumble. I saw her fall to pieces and lay there begging for help to stand up, or even fucking breathe.

My god moms partner doesnt love her and is only there because she supports him. He wants to leave, I mean who wouldn't want to leave a wonderful woman who turned alcoholic.

I hear more about failed marriages than ones that last and half the time the people who last are at each others throat everyday

My friend once told me his grandparents were together for 70 years and one time to resist from raising his hand at his wife, his grandfather jumped out of a vehicle.

Why Is that something I want to have?

People are the most unreliable creatures and objects on this planet.

We are late and moody and we live lifestyle assuming that's what's expected of us

We have to have social life and jobs and homes and partners and kids and animals and cars and go to college.

But we change our minds in the moment more than we realize.

My little sister shared with me that since she was 4 years old her favorite color had changed from purple to pink to blue to green to red to orange to yellow to black and back to purple.

I cant even tell you my favorite song or movie or hobby or moment how can I choose a person to be my forever when i cant even tell you my favorite food.

I'm indescive and spontaneous and I live in the moment way too much for my own good.

I think everyone deserves to Express every emotion we have if I'm sad I want to tell you if I'm mad I want to scream if I'm sleepy I will nap if I feel butterflies I want them to be acknowledged and I think that is fair..

I'm curious, probably worse than the cat we here about or any child with any imagination.

I'm curious about people and how they think and live and feel and smell and tastes and kiss and smile and drive and sleep and if they snore if they have dreams if they like country music or sappy romance movies. Can they sleep without a blanket? Do they hate socks as much as I do? Do they have demons that keep them awake...if so what are they? Do they smile at the faces I make? Will they stick around?

This is my mind and heart and feelings. I cant change then and I wont. I want to continue living my life in the moment cause I love that about myself. It's one of my best qualities and I know it leads to things that i "should not do or cant do or that hurts or that is shitty" but I'm a human who is only in charge of myself and I want to trust my gut in every situation and follow through with everything I feel like I need to do.

This isnt an excuse to kiss people.

It can be anything from hanging out with someone to running through a fountain to going back to school.

I want to kill my curiosity rather than letting it kill me.

I want to experience every emotion and everything that sparks my interest

I want to love people of al kinds in all different ways.

I want to be loved by people in all kinds of different ways.

I want to experience the uniqueness of every single person

I dont want to feel like I cannot grant myself the satisfaction of following through with an emotion i feel or sharing then with someone else

I wish you could understand it through my eyes. Nothing I've ever done is to hurt you or to go behind your back or to hurt you and I do apologize for the things that did.

Those things wernt about you they were about me.

Those are my selfish moments(or at least some of them)

I'm sorry for what I've done. I'm sorry you feel for me. I'm sorry I told you time and time again I was a bad idea. I'm sorry I love you. I'm sorry I can't commit in the way you'd like me to. I'm sorry I dont talk to you beacause I have tried to talk about wanting an open relationship and how platonic I am before and those are two big things that are super important to me. But this proved that me opening up about these things doesnt work.

I'm sorry

[heedandwalk]

No, You Are Not Going in a Wrong Direction

I got my heart broken recently. Everybody’s problem- not something special.

What I deeply concern about myself in going through a broken heart is how I react to it. I tend to blame myself over, and over again, asking how can things go wrong and why can’t I handle the situation. Why can’t make my counterpart happy.

Why am I directing myself to this whole sadness I just can’t get myself over for a long period of time?

I read a lot of books, make new friends, doing workouts, and pray so much in this state of mental breakdown. I just reached this point where I no longer have to think of him anymore (which then I realise I don’t crave for the person, only the feeling), that I am healed, and ready for a new relationship. Really?

Not really. It’s sometimes regressing. And for most of the time, I got panicked realising I cannot control when that certain blue, dark, and sad feelings will come.

Just tonight, I discovered a lot of worthy news about him. Not that the person is worthy to fight for again, it is worthy because I began to discover more about his true colors. Facts that I might always close my eyes from.

Just a learning from this post-brokenheart experience I got from myself, books, and people around me:

1. It is inevitable. Brokenheart could come up for so many reasons, despite of your relationship status. Sometimes you cannot choose to be brokenhearted or not. It is so important that you keep yourself fit, positive-minded, and stick to things that you like. Believe it or not, you have sooo much energy during a brokenhearted period. Use this for something that impoves your self quality.

2. It is common. It is happening to other 2 billion people in the world. Nothing special about it, so stop romanticizing the condition. It will soon be gone.

3. Listen to yourself and the people you trust. Be honest to what you need. Sometimes you cannot control your own feeling, it is okay to take your time realising what you really need. Say what you have to say. Express what you need to do. Be clear.

4. Workout. The endorphines will make you happier. You will be hotter and fitter. She or he will regret losing you. And you wont regret losing them because you. are. getting. stronger.

5. When you are ready, when you are sure that you are tired, bored, and fed up of thinking of this particular person, it is time for you to do a “five days of forgetting” method. I learnt this from my best friend, Irina, and it surprisingly worked for me too. Make yourself busy, very busy, and the objective is not to check up on the person, not to think of them. Do it for five days straight and if you are survive, you will make it for the next days as well.

6. Kill all the unanswered questions and thoughts. No, it wont be answered and you will always crave for the right answer. Guess what? You wont get it. Kill the questions.

7. Lastly, put a little humour to the point of view. It’s okay to laugh at yourself sometimes, to make jokes out of the experience. It works sooo well for me.

Remember, everyone has their own pace in moving on and getting over. What I wrote above is a learning based on my own experience. It could work as well for you but if it doesn’t, you need to find your own way to recover. What you need to remember always: it’s okay not to be okay. But if you have the opportunity, let’s choose to be okay instead 🤗

Stop blaming yourself, because no, you are not going in a wrong direction. You are redirected into a better way, so stick with it.

And congratulations, you are letting yourself free from the toxic of the past!

The right person will come along when you are ready ♥️