#my mood and self esteem have improved so much these last 3 months

[autisticwriterblog]

I decided to post my False Kings meta on instagram because I'm really proud of it and if there's a slim chance the band might see it I'm happy with that. Although I did have to spend ages working out how to format the fucking thing to work on insta, which I still don't entirely know how to use. It ended up looking like this, so nothing special, but it's functional, so I'm okay with that.

edit: and this is the caption I added.

This is a pretty personal thing I wrote a while ago, and I finally decided to share it. ❤️ It's my personal interpretation of the lyrics and music video for False Kings. AKA about 500 words of me rambling because I've got a hyperfixation on Poets of the Fall's music and can't shut up about it. 😂 Obviously, this is just one person's take on the lyrics and I'm not claiming to be 'correct' or anything. 😅 It's just what my autistic/ADHD brain came up with after listening to this song many, many times. I just wanted to ramble because this song and video mean a lot to me. As do Poets of the Fall, who I started listening to about 3 months ago and their music has changed my life. (Sounds melodramatic, but it's true.) 🥰

[13uswntimagines]

Never Enough (Kristie Mewis x Reader)

Request: mal x little sister!reader where the reader is always hidden behind mal's shadow

Author’s Note: So I really hope you like this (though it deviated slightly from the Request) and good luck to everyone starting their next semester of college!!

Pt. 2

You drummed your fingers absentmindedly on the table in front of you, your knees bouncing rapidly. You had just won the challenge cup (proving to the world that Huston wasn’t just the land of broken toys), the last thing you wanted to do was a press conference, but coach had insisted. At least you had Kristi with you.

She had taken you under her wing the second you had been transferred to Huston, becoming your best friend (though your feelings were more than friendly). She understood what it felt like to be overshadowed and could more easily grasp the fiasco that was Jill Ellis in charge of a roster.

Her hand grasped your thigh, halting its movement, and continuing on with the rest of the vapid reporters’ question without so much as a blink.

You probably should have been paying attention to whatever the fuck the reporters were asking, but honestly sitting back and letting the vet field the question so you could watch her answer was so much more your speed.

They didn’t want to ask you about soccer anyway, they wanted sister drama and you weren’t in the mood to indulge them.

You loved your older sister. You were adamant about that, but you didn’t always like her. You and Mal had never really gotten along, even as children. You were 3 years younger than her, always chasing after her, and always falling short. You had come so close, only to have it all ripped away.

****

3 weeks before the start of the World Cup

You glared at your packed suitcase, fighting the tears that threatened to fall from your eyes. Your fingers clenching and unclenching in a desperate attempt to keep your opportunity from slipping through your fingertips again.

You could still hear coaches' words ringing in your head. You weren’t living up to your last name, you weren’t good enough to wear it for your country.

You shook your head, retiring your attention to your very excited sister (who appeared to be completely oblivious to your distress). Mal and you were polar opposites. She was bubbly while you were shy. She had made it to UCLA while you had barely gotten into Texas A&M.

She paused in front of you, holding 2 celebration outfits for you to choose from in her hands.

“Cheer up, I’m going to the World Cup and your mopeyness is killing my mood,” She scoffed. You had been sulking since you came back from your meeting with coach, and while it was probably hard for you to be excluded, you should be happy that she was gonna get to live out one of her lifelong dreams.

You smiled weekly up at the woman “And I’m going back to Huston to watch you,” you blinked and pointed to the backless dress on the left, swallowing down the comment about how Jill’s teardown of your career had killed your mood too. “That one, Rosie likes you in blue,”

Mal rolled her eyes. She could practically hear your lamenting in her head. Enough was enough. This wasn’t about you, it was about the team. it was about being happy for others even when you didn’t get your way. “So, you weren’t good enough. You want us to win right?”

You shrugged, scratching the back of your neck. Of course, you wanted the team to win, but you had hoped that you would get the chance to help them in France. To have it taken just days before they left hurt more than you could put into words, all because you weren’t as good as your sister. “She said she could only take one of us and she chose you. It stings just a little bit,”

Mal gave you a scathing look. It was annoying how you were always doing what she was doing, how you were always running after her and her friends. She wasn’t happy when you started to play soccer, cause it was her thing. She was excited that the World Cup was going to be her thing. She didn’t want to share it with you, and she didn’t care how immature that sounded.

“Look, I’m a better fit for the squad, and for once in my life I wanna do something without you. Anyway, I’m going to celebrate, don’t wait up,”

The door slammed as she left, and it reverberated through you like the final nail in a coffin. How could she be so cold towards you? How could she agree with Jill? You sniffled once, burying yourself under a pile of blankets, your tears your only company.

****

“Y/n, my next question is for you,” A different reporter said when Kristie finished answering, pulling you back to reality. You sat up in your chair, blinking owlishly at the reporter.

“Oh, um go for it I guess,” You smiled shyly at the reporter, shifting uncomfortably in your seat. Kristie squeezed your thigh when it began to bounce again. You blushed, more from the contact than from being caught daydreaming.

“First, congratulations on the win and being named tournament MVP,” The reporter smiled, and you nodded at her, the red that colored your cheeks making its way up to your ears. Kristie squeezed your leg again, and you brought your fingers down to tangle with hers.

“How did it feel to really get to show off in front of Vlatko Andonovski,” The reporter asked.

You let out a deep breath, buzzing your lips. How did you feel? You had scored 13 goals and brought the underdog team to victory. You didn’t just show off, you had implemented all the things he wanted you too when he called you up for a camp before the Shebelieves cup.

“Good, I felt good at camp, so it was really nice to get to show him how I’ve improved in the last few months while we’ve been quarantined,” You smiled, glancing at Kristie as she began to rub her thumb on the back of your hand comfortingly.

She was nervous when you got called to camp again. Terrified that they would crush you like they had before. Terrified that she wouldn’t be there to help you through the fallout of seeing your sister again for the first time in months.

*****

“You sure you have everything?” The blond midfielder asked for the 15th time since you entered the airport. You smiled softly at the woman, who was shifting foot to foot, bringing your joined hands up to kiss the back of her buckles.“Yeah,” You nodded,  glancing over her shoulder to the taller Mewis sister, who also nodded that you both had everything.

“And you’ll text me when you land and get to the hotel?” Kristie asked, pulling you to a stop and forcing you to face her. You Y/e/c orbs met her worried blue ones.

You rolled your eyes good-naturedly, pulling the woman into you and tucking your head into the crook of her neck.“Yes, mom. I promise. Now give me a hug,”

She huffed, but still wrapped around you tightly and placed a kiss on the crown of your head. “I just care about you kid,”

“I know, and I love you for it,” You mumbled, into your favorite hiding spot. “now I’m gonna go get a coffee before I pass out,” You kissed her cheek before heading off towards the crappy airport Starbucks. She watched you go, fingers twitching by her side. How she wished to tell you that she loved you too (probably in a much different way than you loved her, but still).

“You’ve got it bad,” Sam snorted, patting her sister’s shoulder. She was visiting Kristie, so it was easier for her to get a flight out of Huston anyway, and in the time of her visit, her sister’s feelings for you had become abundantly clear.

She was glad that you had a shoulder to lean on. someone to confide in after your fallout with Mal. Though she had had several words with the younger player, the woman couldn’t seem to grasp your pain. At least her sister could understand it better than anyone, and she was clearly helping you overcome it.

Kristie blushed, shrugging slightly. “Maybe a little,” she hummed. It was hard not too. You were actually quite adorable once you let your walls come down.

Sam smirked (how she didn’t know you felt the same way, Sam would never know) “Does she know?”

The older mewis’s lips formed a thin line and she shook her head “no,”

It was complicated. The two of you were roommates, and you were just beginning to pull yourself together in the wake of Jill Ellis destroying your self-esteem.

She watched you grab your coffee, smiling at the young man behind the counter (who blushed). You had this incredible ability to light up everyone around you, like the sun. Though over the years you had lost some of your sunshine, you were beginning to gain it back. She didn’t want you to lose it again.

“Just keep an eye on her for me, alright? She was really messed up after what happened at the last camp,” Kristie said softly, faintly tearing her eyes away to look at her younger sister.

Sam nodded solemnly. “You know I will Kris,”

She knew how much you meant to her sister, and she would help you through whatever this camp brought, even if that meant keeping one of her best friends in line.

****

“My question is also for you Y/n,” A different reporter said, and you tilted your chin up at him in acknowledgment.

“We know that Mal is currently out with a knee injury, any idea on when she’ll be back with her team, and if that impacts your chances with Vlatko?” He asked, scribbling furiously on a notepad in front of him.

You tilted your head to the side, almost like a puppy. You weren’t abreast to Vlatkos’ plans (only that he seemed to be more attuned and aware than one Jill Ellis), and considering you hadn’t spoken to Mal in months, you were also clueless on her progress.

“Oh um, I have no idea about either of those questions, sorry,” You mumbled, biting your lip and shifting awkwardly in your chair. The man frowned at your answer, his pen pausing on the pad as he studied you over his horned rimmed glasses.

“Do you think you could beat her out for an Olympic roster spot? And if your success here will help your chances of taking her spot on the team?” He tried again, pointing his pen in your direction. Kristie’s thumb tapped the back of your hand again, three little taps, helping you focus and giving you a little bit of comfort.

You smirked at the man, masking your irritation behind a quip. “Again, I have no clue. That stuff is way above my paygrade,”

Kristie’s hand tightened around yours in warning, a reminder that biting a reporter’s head off wouldn’t make you feel better. It wouldn’t make them see that you didn’t want to be compared. It would just give them more ammunition to shoot at you.

“Do you feel overlooked, as you’ve continuously performed better than your sister within the NWSL?” A different reporter pipped in, looking at you expectantly.

You shrugged, trying to ease the tension that had suddenly come over the press tent. “Well, I think my average is helped by me not having to miss games due to national team duties,”

You swore a few of the reporter’s lips ticked up, and the pat on your thigh told you that your midfielder counterpart was pleased with the deflection.

“Do you think you’ll continue to be able to live up to your last name?” The horned rimmed man asked a vicious smirk etched on his face. You flinched slightly.

It was the one fear that plagued you. The one shortcoming that your parents preyed on. That you would never be as good as your sister. That you would never be the Pugh that she was. That you were undeserving of the name.

Kirstie’s arm was around you immediately, shielding your opening and closing mouth from the furiously clicking cameras as she pulled you to stand.

“I think this press conference is over. We’re very excited to have won and it’s time for us to celebrate,” She said stiffly, practically dragging your frozen form through the door towards your locker room.

You stumbled after her, eyes wide as you tried to catch up to what was happening. Your brain was still split between its lament over his you’d never escape your sister’s shadow (no matter how hard you tried) and the feeling of your crush’s arm wrapped tightly around you. It made you feel safe and warm and wanted. She made you feel like you had a place beside her, like how you were feeling was important.

She paused, pinning you against the cool cement wall of the stadium. You stared over her shoulder, adamantly refusing to look her in the eyes. You didn’t want her to see your inner struggle, to know that despite all her efforts, you still weren’t confident that you could ever be good enough.

“Hey, look at me.” She said, a finger on your chin forcing you to look up. Her blue eyes studied you for a moment, her hips pressing you to the wall while her other hand brushed a stray hair out of your face. “Are you ok?” She asked, her voice soft, hesitant.

“I’m great,” You scoffed, shaking your head. “I just fucking won the fucking Chaos cup and all the fuck they want to ask me about is how my sister is, and if I think I stand a chance against her in making a fucking roster. She hasn’t even talked to me since-...” your chest heaved as the words spilled from your mouth, like the steam from a pressure cooker unable to be contained any longer.

“Hey, take a breath,” her voice was soft as she wiped away the tears you didn’t even know were burning a path down your red cheeks. You leaned into her warm hands.

“I just. I want to be good enough,” You mumbled, your eyes closing with the admission. You didn’t want to be weak.

“Baby, you are enough. You’re more than enough. You’re funny and cute and an amazing forward. You aren’t your sister and that’s ok. You don’t need to be the best Mal, you just need to be the best, most amazing you you can be because I love you,” with every word she got closer to you, until your faces were mere inches apart, and you could feel her breath fan across your lips.

You leaned in the rest of the way and connected your lips with hers. Your mouths moved together, her tongue gently probing for entrance, which you gladly gave her. Her fingers tangled in the baby hairs at the base of your neck, while yours settled on her hips to pull her closer.

“You said you love me,” You smiled against her lips, pulling away when the need to breathe finally caught up with you.

“Hm, I do,” She hummed back, connecting your lips again.

Maybe to the soccer world, you would always stand in Mal’s shadows, but here in the belly of the stadium, you knew. You were enough for Kristie, and she was enough for you.

[comeonthinkers]

The Constant Struggle of Cuteness

I feel like, this morning, I need to talk about body image. Body image, and the constant barrage of conflicting messages around body image that I, as a midsize woman, receive and dissect every day.

First of all: midsize. Was this even a term five years ago? As “plus size” has become more ubiquitous and more accepted in the past decade, “fat” has been reclaimed, and “curvy” is suddenly more of a feeling than a descriptor, the terms I used to identify with as a teenager now, somehow, no longer apply to me anymore. I’m not sure what happened in the past decade; in high school I distinctly remember almost always being the largest woman in the room. Since then, whether it’s due to perception, self-confidence, age, awareness, or just... overall changes in the population, I now find myself distinctly in the middle. 

Note: I’ve been a size 12-16 my entire post-adolescent life. For one brief stint after college I could fit into a size 10. But before and since, 14 has been the mainstay numeral in my wardrobe. My steady friend and most accurate guesstimate across brands as to what my body may fit.

14, despite being the most (so I’m told) “common” size amongst women, was for many years infamous for being the most left-out, in-between size in clothing stores. In juniors’ stores (marketed toward teens: your Charlotte Russe’s and Forever 21′s), 14 would translate to the non-existent XXL: with “XL” usually falling in the “12″ range. In Plus Size or Women’s stores, 14 is a 0X; 1X is most commonly measured around a “16″ size.

About 5 years ago I found a fashion youtuber who made a video decrying the variation of a size 12 across different brands. And I’ll agree: sizes vary a lot from brand to brand, despite there being a base similarity in most big brand stores. She, like me, found herself living in this dreaded size 12-14 fashion purgatory, this no-womans-land of sizes. And even here! The numbers can’t be trusted!

She called herself “midsize”. She looked a lot like me. And at last, I had a label I could consistently search and see body types that I could identify with. From what I can tell, midsize is the chosen moniker for fashion influencers sizes 8-16, with of course, varying body shapes and compositions. For example, many of the folks I follow on instagram that claim “midsize” wear a VERY different bra size from me- so to find “fashion inspiration” I can actually act upon from midsize influencers, I also have to bring in a few accounts that allow for more top-heavy-friendly designs.

Despite all of the overwhelming positivity and diversity now available to me as a midsize woman (for example, almost all plus-size brands now start at a size 10-12 (00X-0X), and most “regular” retail brands now extend to a XXL), I can’t help but go back to my first observation: I’m no longer the largest woman in the room. While I don’t consider myself particularly unhealthy, I also know I’m not passing any presidential fitness tests any time soon. I find it difficult to run for extended periods of time. My joint strength isn’t nearly what it should be to support my weight. While muscular, I have a lot of extraneous body fat that adds strain to my daily life, and all my body’s systems: skeletal, endocrine, muscular, cardiovascular. This isn’t good. I’ve worked for years to try to find ways to get stronger, lose weight, and improve my overall health- in fact, the difficulty I faced when trying to lose weight was what led me to discover that I have PCOS and a few hormonal hurdles to maintaining a healthy body weight.

But when I try to research how best to approach health and weight loss with PCOS, the studies are few and far between- and when available are fairly inconclusive and far from thorough. I’m left to follow MORE accounts of personal success stories, all of which are biased toward one product or another, one lifestyle brand or book tour, all of which are antithetical to every other product, book, or brand I’ve seen before.

On the one hand, I’m grateful to see more body types represented in the media.  It IS helpful to my self-esteem to normalize the bodies of women both my size and larger than me (even if there’s still a prevalence of too-smooth skin and too-round belly buttons). But I also worry about how we tend to conflate feeling good about ourselves to being healthy. They aren’t the same. And we’re letting commercial forces tell us that it’s okay to be unhealthy even when attempting to BE healthy: mentally or physically.

Time to come clean here: for the past year, I’ve been experimenting on and off with a carnivore lifestyle, which, OBVIOUSLY, many people assume is super unhealthy, much like the stigma around Atkins in the early 2000′s. Honestly, it feels a lot like Atkins did back in the day: lots of bacon, burgers, steak, and eggs. Quite literally “zero-carb”, as opposed to just “low-carb”. While low-carb isn’t really new anymore, and many people can see carnivore as a logical step past the surprisingly universally accepted ketogenic diet, I was amazed to discover just how much the “science” of the trendier diets of the past decade (paleo, keto, whole-30) don’t match up to the scientific, accepted nutritional advice of the actual medical community.

Last year I started going to a weight-loss clinic at the behest of my OB-GYN in an attempt to get my PCOS and weight “under control”. I’m gonna spoil most of the rest of this rant by saying this was a pretty dumb idea for someone like me. This clinic was created around those with extreme weight issues, for whom psychological care and bariatric surgery are the most “effective” forms of treatment (again, according to the health care system that seems determined to sell it, but I’ll talk more about THAT another time). The nutritionist I met with gave me the same spiel I’d read time and time again from every weight-loss specialist book I’d bought, despite me relaying to her my decades-long struggle with traditional diets and fat-loss strategies. A ketogenic diet was never recommended to me, nor any kind of actual dietary changes to help with hormone balance/control: I was prescribed metformin (a drug for insulin resistance most commonly prescribed to type 2 diabetics) and told to eat a low-fat, high-fiber diet.

I didn’t lose any weight. My periods didn’t regulate. I just stopped gaining weight as fast... although I did eventually gain back the 12 pounds I’d lost from my first 2 months on carnivore. 

The truth is, that treatment plan, that clinic... it doesn’t exist for someone who is trying to change their body chemistry. It might work for folks that are so obese that literally ANY form of mindful eating will help them lose 200 pounds. But let’s be real: if I lost 200 pounds, I’d weigh 6 pounds. I’m a tall, muscular woman with some fat that has tried all the recommended diets for fat loss. Through them all, I fight cravings and energy loss, mood swings, and all the symptoms that come with PCOS. The ONLY thing I’ve found in the past 10 years that actually helps with my PCOS? 

Regular exercise, stress management, and a carnivore diet. 

I’ll also point out that when I DID lose a considerable amount of weight after college (due to what I think was a combination of 1. getting enough sleep for once, 2. intermittent fasting, and 3. regular hiking), it was also easier for me to maintain my weight and many of my PCOS symptoms went away. It wasn’t until I switched to a HORMONAL BIRTH CONTROL method that I then gained back all of the weight I lost (and then some) and once again began fighting uncontrolled PCOS symptoms. They compounded on each other, and made it harder and harder to get back to any kind of “normal”. 

So, I’m back on carnivore. In addition to more stable energy, noticeable reduction of PCOS symptoms, and slight weight loss, I also just... hurt a lot less on carnivore. Along this journey I’ve finally realized that I do in fact have a chronic pain problem. Whether it’s due to chronic inflammation, past injuries, or food sensitivities, I’m not really sure: but I know when I eat carnivore, my chronic pain all but goes away. Recently, I’ve been recovering from a back injury, so there was of course some pain associated with that (as well as a break from regular exercise, which I plan to get back to once I’m cleared by my chiropractor), but the daily body aches, numbness, and discomfort?

Gone. 

I’ve got regular periods when I eat this way- like, ACTUALLY one a month like I’m supposed to have. My facial hair growth slows down, even thins out. My focus improves. I sleep better, and actually follow a normal circadian rhythm. What’s total bananas is that I’m not the only one who experiences this: MANY folks who’ve tried this way of eating report daily quality of life improvements.

I’m not going to say everyone should eat this way; I’m not even going to suggest that everyone with PCOS should eat this way. But I WOULD love to see some actual RESEARCH done on this way of eating- or even better research on a ketogenic diet! I’m so frustrated by the lack of medical research on nutrition, and in particular the lack of action to curb the universally-accepted-to-be-unhealthy nutrition standards in America. While I won’t say it’s hard to eat carnivore (cause like, all diets are hard), I have noticed over the years that NO ONE IN OUR COUNTRY IS HEALTHY anymore- except for those whose JOB it is to be healthy. And this isn’t a coincidence!! Almost all cultures that have adopted American corporatized food structures are chronically unhealthy, and much, much more fat than they used to be.

I agree that being fat isn’t always a personal failing, and I’m so, SO glad that more and more figures in our media diets are representing the diverse catalogue of body shapes and sizes reflected in our world. I’m happy that my future daughter won’t be fat-shamed the same way I was as a little girl, and that she likely won’t be told (like I was) that she’s too fat to be what she wants to be when she grows up, despite not actually being all that fat. 

BUT. Fat representation is not the hill I want to literally die on. I’m not willing to throw my health, my comfort, my ability to be active, away for my “right” to eat ice cream every day. I’m sick of being marketed to constantly as a garbage disposal. I’m not just here to eat and diet and wear clothes.

I’m here to LIVE. I’m here to plant gardens and make art and take walks and enjoy the seasons. And I can’t do a lot of those things if I’m constantly sick and in pain. And it’s way harder to enjoy not being sick and not being in pain when all we know to do as a society when spending time together is... eat food. 

What frustrates me is, I think so much of this really comes down to marketing, corporate profit-mongering, and the way our political system is set up to make laws for companies instead of people. I think capitalism is making us fat and unhealthy, to sell us sugar and diets and medicine and surgeries in an endless cycle of crap. I don’t really have much more to say on that, I don’t have sources, except like... well, look around you. Look at the system we have. Look at what we’re told to do to escape it. And look at how many forces are there to take us right back to the beginning of the roller coaster when we have a little success. 

Side note/conspiracy theory time: I actually think liposuction might be a more safe and effective (literally EFFECTIVE not just safe) form of “weight loss surgery” in helping folks with actual, permanent weight loss. Hear me out: while I will fully admit I can’t remember where I read any of this (as I’ve read so many scores of information regarding health and weight loss over my lifetime), I seem to remember body fat working something like this: it’s really easy for your body to make new fat cells, but very difficult for your body to destroy them. So, when you gain fat, it first occurs by your body filling your fat cells with fat, until they can’t hold anymore, and then your body makes new fat cells, which makes it easier for your body to hold onto said fat. The best way to “reset” your body’s fat threshold is to literally destroy or remove the fat cells. And, I assume, if you adopt more healthy habits AFTER having liposuction, your body would be less likely to create more fat cells than it was when you lived an unhealthy lifestyle.

Bariatric surgery is incredibly invasive and dangerous, and almost always ends up reversed by bad habits and your body’s natural ability to STORE FAT AND STRETCH YOUR STOMACH. It’s a temporary solution, and often proves to be ineffective in the long term, and leads to many unfortunate complications over time, not to mention the recovery from that surgery is LONG and TOUGH.

But liposuction (the most COMMON FORM OF PLASTIC SURGERY, I’ll add), is the only “weight loss” procedure (despite not being labeled as such- it’s “cosmetic surgery” even though it most definitely WOULD result in weight loss, right?) that actually removes fat from your body. Literally takes the fat cells away so your body can’t fill them up again, without once again needing to create more.

But bariatric surgery is covered by insurance, and liposuction isn’t... despite the fact that removing weight and fat from the body would be a more instant and potentially effective cure for obesity and its underlying symptoms, and being a simpler procedure overall, as well as extremely common. 

So like... why is being fat something poor people are forced to endure dangerous surgery and super long recoveries and lifetime habit changes to overcome, but rich people just get to have their fat vacuumed away? Sounds sus to me. 

[nthngbxtfanfics]

Not her - Jooheon scenario

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 | FINAL

“Oppa~ What do you think of this dress?” Kihyun lifted his head after you called out to him. You stepped out of the changing space and revealed one of many outfits you collected together in the store. Kihyuns eyes widened at your sight, his face became hot, his mouth became dry.

“You look gorgeous Y/N-ssi!” he gave you his most beautiful smile. Your smile mirrored the one from the person in front of you. Kihyuns eyes scanned your attire as you spinned around to show off your body. The dress hugged your curves perfectly, the fabric kissed your skin, the neckline rounded your chest into a beautiful heart. The vibrant red enhanced your beauty. 

“Do you think it’s good enough for the event?” Your eyes searched for Kihyuns answer. The male was invaded by you, he didn’t even realized how you flicked your fingers in front of his face to catch his attention.

“Earth to Yoo Kihyun!” a small chuckle escaped your chest and Kihyun came back from his dreamworld.

“Oh Sorry, I got carried away. I didn’t knew that the workout with Hoseok-hyung and Changkyun would improve your body that much.” He was clearly surprised his expression showed no lie. You couldn’t hold back your laugh and took his statement as a compliment.

“Thanks Kihyun. I’ll take that as a compliment. So back to my original question: Do you think I could wear that to the wedding?” 

“Even though you look good in it! It is kinda unfortunate, it’s too revealing and too sexy to be worn at a wedding.” Kihyun was honest, he loved the dress on you, but he knew it was too inappropriate for such event. Your lips formed a small poud, giving in to Kiyhuns words. You loved the dress but it is really too much.

“I wish I could buy it, but I can afford only one dress.”

Kihyun noticed the sad tone in your voice and tried to cheer you up.

“Come on Y/N~ We’ll find another dress. This dress can wait, you can buy it later. But now you need a dress where you don’t look like the hottest woman in the world. Who tries to steal the groom and his men of honors!” 

Those words made you giggle and comfortable again. The past months were too frustrating, you had to deal with so much hate towards yourself. It was exhausting and sad. You were happy that Kihyun suggested to go shopping with you. Because of him you were able to love yourself again and boost your self esteem. His words made your body hot, your chest was vibrating. No coldness in your body was left behind, he melted it away.

At this point you must’ve fallen for him, but that wasn’t the case. Your heart belonged to someone else and it wouldn’t let him go so easily.

“Go try my dress on!” Kihyun pushed you into the changing room. He don’t wanted you to see what kind of effect you had on him. He’s a man, a man with needs and you were not helping him. Kihyun would never lay a finger on you, he knew how much your heart was crying for his friend and those thought kept him away from falling into your spell. He wished for your happiness and the greatest things in life. He wanted to support you in any way he could.

You walked out of the changing room again, a dark blue gown falling down from your hips. Another beautiful fitting dress, a dress so elegant and perfectly made for you and only. 

“Well that looks like a dress for a wedding. Now turn around a little.” Kihyun was satisfied, especially since he chose the dress. He approached you and reached his hands to your shoulders, signaling you to turn around. He took a closer look, he knew it was perfect, he choose it by the way.

Kihyun was right, it was the perfect dress. You smiled at your own reflection, the male stood behind you sharing this moment with you. You liked it, but the other dress wouldn’t leave your mind. Your friend noticed your gaze towards the other gown, his heart clenched. Love towards the dress was visible. But you decided against it, you needed to look presentable on this event and the other dress wasn’t helping. 

You both finished and decided for the last dress, paid it and exit the store.

“What time is it?” Kihyun looked at his watch.

“We should head to the cafe, the others might be there now”

“Ok” you both walked your way towards the cafe, it wasn’t really far away and you reached it within 20 minutes.

As you entered through the two giant glass doors, your eyes wandered through the new place. It was a pretty minimalistc cafe. Your eyes landed onto a strong back of a man, those shoulders were too familiar, Kihyun noticed him too and both of you made their way towards the said man.

“Hey!” You greeted and sat down the opposite of Hoseok, while Kihyun sat down next to him.

“Where’s the Maknae?” asked Kihyun.

“He’s at the restroom and will come back soon. We haven’t ordered yet, since we arrived not long ago.” Hoseok looked through the menu and laid it down after he finished his sentence.

His met eyes yours, a smile appeared on his face.

“You look so happy! Found something?” Hoseok was curious about your bright face.

“I found two really nice dresses and bought one for the wedding! I’m so excited to wear it! But I could only afford one.” sadness overtook you as you remembered the red dress and pouted playfully towards the man. A low chuckle escaped his chest and his smile grew.

“Oh, don’t worry maybe later!” his smile washed away the sad emotion.

“Hi there! -” Changkyun came back from his visit to the restroom, greeted you with a smirk and sat down next to you.

“So how was your little shopping trip with Kihyun?”

“It was really good and we found a dress! Wanna see? Kihyun actually found it first.” You took the bag onto your lap, revealing the top of the dress.

“That looks really good, I bet you look really good in it. I can’t imagine, Kihyun having some sense of style!” The Maknae teased his older friend.

“Yah, be careful with your words!” Kihyun got a bit mad at the spoken words from the younger one, but they didn’t stayed for long. They vanished after he heard your small giggle. He couldn’t help himself and chuckle at your reaction, you were trying hard not to laugh and failed after both of you met each others eyes.

The four of you erupted in laughter, amused by that small awkward interaction. Until you ordered and tried many tasteful things on the menu, the time went fast and you didn’t realized that you’ve been sitting for 4 hours at the same spot. Realization hit Hoseok after receiving a message from their Leader, asking where they are.

“Hyunwoo-hyung texted me, asking where we are.”

“What time is it actually?” Kihyun suddenly seemed to be in a rush, fiddling with his phone to check up the time.

“Let me get something real quick. I forgot to pick something up. Give me a few minutes ok?”

“We can go together and than head straight to the dorm.” Hoseok suggested to join the younger one.

“No! I’ll be fast, don’t worry. Take your time and finish the meal, we can meet up at the car.” Kihyun declined Hoseoks offer and walked straight out of the cafe and ran off as he slipped through the doors.

“Strange, he never mentioned to pick something up.” you were confused and wiped off the thought. Sipping on your drink, you noticed how the Maknae was staring intensely on his phone screen. Changkyun noticed your lingering gaze and turned his head to you.

“Is something? Did something happen? You were so quite today. Is something bothering you?” the words slipped through your lips as the feeling of concern washed over your shoulders.

“I’m fine, it’s just -” Changkyun hesitated to answer your questions, but as he saw the worry in your eyes, he gave in. Something has been bothering him for a while now and he couldn’t talk about it, with no one. It slowly started to frustrate him and he knew he had to talk about it.

“I don’t know how to say it or which words to use correctly. I’m just really worried.”

“Changkyun, what’s wrong? You can talk to us about it.” now your worries started to increase and curiosity flashed in your mind.

What is bothering him?

“You’ve been on my mind a lot lately. And-” He started and your thoughts were going wild, your eyes went wide, Hoseok was like a reflection in a mirror of you.

Is he trying to confess?

You and Hoseok shared the same thought, your heart started to race and you became nervous, scared of the outcome. You don’t want to hurt his feelings, but you couldn’t return them.

“Please don’t take it the wrong way, but this whole situation is so messed up! Between you and Jooheon. I mean he’s hurting you and not like a small pinch on your arm kind of pain, but I mean emotional pain. Pain that brought you into depression, pain that drove you so crazy, that you couldn’t even work for weeks. I can’t imagine how much it must’ve hurt to be next to him, yesterday. I feel so sorry, I insisted that Minhyuk should invite you over. I thought you could heal a little and be normal again with Jooheon, especially since his girlfriend wasn’t around.”

You were shocked at Changkyuns confession, he wouldn’t normally talk about his feelings, especially not that open. You also couldn’t understand why he was sorry. The evening went great, you had a lot of fun. Especially with Jooheon, there was no tension at the end. It was as if you went back in time, the time before the relationship with his girlfriend started. Jooheon was you best friend that night, he was back. No mood swings, no jealousy only his cheery and happy self that you fell in love with in the first place. Guilt built up in your guts as you saw Changkyuns sad expression, your arm framed the man automatically.

“Oh Changkyun, don’t be sorry. Last night went great don’t you think? We all had so much fun together.”

“But Y/N, you were so heartbroken, I felt like I was forcing you to hang out with him and I feel so damn guilty. “ he continued.

“First - It was a really amazing night and I had a lot of fun! Second: It was my decision to come over! Minhyuk texted me that I don’t have to come if I’m still to uncomfortable. But I went anyway, cuz I knew there will be people who love me and take good care of me. So please don’t be sorry, all you wanted was the best for me.” you tried your best to push away the guilty feeling within the Maknae and cheer him up with your words. He formed a small smile, staring down onto the table.

“Now, tell me why you’ve been sticking with your phone the whole time.”

“You really started to hate phones don’t you?” Hoseok was amused by your dislike towards phones.

“I don’t hate them, I just don’t like it when I’m in a conversation with someone and we get interrupted by that damn thing.” you reasoned yourself, your dislike towards the device started after Jooheon started to date, what a coincidence, right?

“Jooheon texted me.” Changkyun sighed, should he tell you about Jooheons recent struggles? Changkyun knew both sides, not only about your emotional state, but also the one of his best friend and co rapper. He knew Jooheon has been struggling with his own emotions, they were everywhere. Changkyun knew about his undying love for you and was even more frustrated with the whole situation. The Maknae wanted to scream at both of you, for being too stupid to see through this stupid one sided see-through mirror wall between you. You loved Jooheon and Jooheon loved you. All you both saw were illusions of one another. Too scared to break the surface and to reach out.

Nervousness overtook your system, did something happen? Worry was visible on your face. Changkyun debated with himself, whether to tell you about his friends emotions and concerns or to lie to you. You seemed heald, but he knew you were far away from that state.

“Jooheon asked me if I could help him with his new song, he’s been struggling with it a lot lately.” He choose to lie, Jooheon had to confess to you himself and not through him. Hoseok catched the Maknae lying and he let him, he knew you might get hurt, so he just played along. A small signal from Hoseoks phone broke the conversation, he received a text from Kihyun.

“Let’s head out, Kihyun is waiting for us at the car.”

The three of you stood up and left the place, as you arrived, you spotted Kihyun within the car, sitting in the backseat.

“Why in the back? You had the perfect opportunity to sit in the passenger seat.” Hoseok made fun of the man.

“I wanted to sit in the back, is that bad?”

“Guys let’s hop into the car, or else someone will notice you!” Their Manager made himself visible as Hoseok opened the car door. Your way back to the dorm was fast, you joined the three men, Hoseok suggested a movie night. As you entered the dorm, you noticed two more figures in the living room. Shownu and Hyungwon sat on the couch, watching a show on the TV. They clearly waited for the four of you. Hyungwon noticed your figure and greeted you, Shownu followed his gesture.

“Come here Y/N sit down next to me.” Hyungwon patted the spot next to him signaling you to fill up the space between him and Shownu. Without hesitation, your legs moved towards the couch and sat down, placing a pillow onto your lap and hugging it. In the corner of your eye, you noticed how Kihyun went cautious into one of the rooms, with a questioning bag in his hand. You didn’t paid more attention to it and enjoyed your rest on the couch. You were walking the whole day and now happy to be able to relax your legs.

By the time, the other members arrived to the dorm and planned on joining you  to round this resting day, prepared for the upcoming hard schedule, they have to face in a few hours. Jooheon joined the group gathering, after his isolation in the bedroom.

You noticed how Jooheon was relaxed but also tensed. As if he was able to release himself from something, but was scared of what would come next. He was more open around you, like nothing happened the past months. You thought it was odd, but didn’t mind it at all. The first 15 minutes, his phone would non stop ring, message after message. We all grew annoyed by his phone, until he turned it off himself. He seemed pissed off at the constant spamming.

Kihyun sat next to you, you both were cuddled up in a blanket. You both interacted a lot, giggling, smiling and discussing certain things that happened in the movie. Jooheon noticed the intimacy between you two. His insides started to boil slowly.

The second movie ended and all eight of you decided to take a small break and grab some snacks and drinks.

“Y/N-ssi! I got something for you. Wait here ok?” Kihyun stood up, your source for warmth, now gone. Impatiently waiting, you leaned your head towards the direction he was leaving. He returned, the bag you saw earlier, in his hands.

“Here. I couldn’t help it, but you were so sad about it. I decided to just buy it.”

“No you didn’t -” You were shocked, you’d never expected something like this to happen. The attention went straight to the both of you.

“Is it what I think it is?”

“Open up and you’ll see” Your excitement made Kihyun smile. You took the red gown out of the bag, revealing it to the others.

“Wow Y/N-ssi! Is that the dress you’ve been talking about? I didn’t knew that the dress would be that good!” Changkyun was amazed at the gown and went straight to you, touching the fabric, Minhyuk followed him and did the same.

“Go try it on! I wanna see it on you!” Hoseok was as excited as a small child, eager to see you in the gown.

“Thank you Kihyun!” You stood up immediately, gave Kihyun a big tight hug and rushed into Hoseoks room, since it was the closest. Jealousy took over Jooheons actions, he stood up with full force. The members gazes followed Jooheons figure, eyes wide open. Scared and shocked at the same time, they didn’t knew - follow and stop him or let his emotions be spilled in front of you that would lead to a confession.

Jooheon threw the door open, you got startled. You were about to strip out of the first item that has been on your body. The energy radiating from Jooheon was scaring you, he was extremely mad. He couldn’t hide his emotions anymore, he needed all his thoughts out or he’ll go mad crazy.

“Why?” his word were harsh and strong.

“Why what? Jooheon you’re scaring me!” he paid no attention to your last sentence, stepping closer to your now small figure.

“Why are you with him? I am your best friend! I am!” He hit his chest hard, emphasizing his words that are directed towards him.

“Jooheon! What are you talking about?” Now you fired back, not understanding this whole situation. The others were listening, the wall was too thin. They heard every word, but they didn’t interfere. They knew you both needed to be clear towards each other. You needed him and he needed you.

“What I’m talking about? Stop fucking around with Kihyun in front of my fucking eyes!” he got louder after every word, his voice becoming stronger.

“I’m not fucking around with Kihyun, what makes you think like that?” you were lost, everything seems like a sick joke to you, some kind of prank, that was clearly not funny.

“You are acting with him all lovey dovey! Flirting with him! Touching around! Smiling, laughing! And then tell me you don’t have a thing with him? Do you think I’m too stupid to see that?”

“Am I not allowed to be around others? He’s my friend just like you! I don’t prevent you from touching your stupid girlfriend! I don’t whine like a baby like you do. Do you know why? Because I have no damn business in your relationship and I respect everything! But you make my days even worse! Why can’t I be around people who care about me! Do I have to ask for permission to meet up with other who are not you?” Your fears were now replaced with anger, you wouldn’t hold back anymore, not caring about the outcome of this mess.

“I just want you to stop playing around with him! I repeat I am your best friend! No one should be as close to you as I do!”

“I am not your possession Jooheon! I’m my own person! I can decide for myself!”

“No you can’t!”

“Why not?”

“Because I am here to protect you!” You couldn’t believe your ears how Jooheon was able to become even louder as before. You tried to keep your voice steady, it’s too hard to reach his level.

“Where’s the need to protect me from Kihyun? He’s your Friend you know him for so many years. Don’t you trust your own brother?”

“I’m not protecting you from him. I’m protecting him from you!” Now you were confused. Why does Kihyun need to be protected from you. The frown got deeper as you got more lost in the circle of confusion.

“What are you talking about? Jooheon you are making no sense!”

“Stop acting like a brat! You know what what I’m talking about!”

Frustration mixed with confusion made your body hot, your limbs started to tremble a little. Your mind is flooded with so many questions, but you couldn’t phrase one. You avoided his gaze for a short time, to avoid his dark eyes and clean up your mind, just a little. Looking back at him, for the first time, you noticed how deep his eyes became. You saw how many words, they wanted to say, but couldn’t. Locked away behind a window. But reading his true emotions was too difficult.

“Jooheon I don’t know what you’re talking about, seriously! -” you tried to calm him down, as you lowered your voice. “Explain it to me, please!”

A frustrated groan escaped out of the male, turning around and returning back in front of you. You both were frustrated and Jooheon wouldn’t calm down.

“How do you not know? You are playing with everyones feelings, because of you everyone gets hurt! And you always play innocent!” He pointed his index finger towards your face, coming extremly close. The tears in your eyes screamed for release. Your sight became blurry, your lips trembled.

“Why are you saying those things? I’m playing with no ones feelings! The only person who’s playing with feelings is you! You Jooheon! You’ve been playing with everyones feelings and not me! -” The tears were free, there was no reason to hold them back anymore.

His eyes became more fierce and dark, not believing your words. He chuckled at your remark and took a step back.

“You are the reason everyone is extremely tensed up. No one knows how to approach you. Especially since you’ve been dating your stupid girlfriend that no one can stand! Everyone is worried about you, your mood swings make us go crazy. They make me go crazy!” you tried to catch your breath as the sobbing became stronger. You felt so much smaller. At this point you couldn’t hold back anymore, you wanted to spill everything out of you, out of every cell in your body. You were broken, it hurt, you wanted to leave but couldn’t. It was now or never.

“Y/N-”

“You have no idea how much you effect the people around you!” You interrupted him, you wanted him to know everything and he’ll not stop you.

“Since the day you introduced this woman to us, you’ve been so mean to me. Scolding me non-stop for no reason. For things you normally would never get mad at. You weren’t talking to me for a while until yesterday, when we all gathered together. Do you know how much it hurt, when you ignored me? The worst thing about it was, that I didn’t even knew what I did wrong! Changkyun and Hoseok had to calm me down, they were there to comfort me. You were supposed to be there for me and catch my tears. You were supposed to be my best friend. And all you did was turn your back on me.” You took a small break, catching your breath. Jooheon kept silent, still looking straight at your figure and waited until you continued.

“I needed you, especially after your girlfriend came to the cafe and spilled her whole coffee onto me! She insulted me and your members, laughing into my face, calling me stupid. Telling me I wasn‘t worth it to be called your friend!” those words hit him, his heart shredded, his eyes widened.

“What?” this small question was the only thing that left his lips.

“It hurt Jooheon, I felt so worthless. I thought there was no point in living. But you know what brought back my living force? You! -” You let your last words settle into his mind and continued. “I couldn’t let go of our friendship, because of some woman who doesn’t even love you! I saw her real face, we all knew her real face many times. She was playing with you, she used you so she could become famous and then ditch you! I tried to talk to you about it, but you brushed me off, like some kind of dirt. I should’ve left your side, but I stayed and endured the pain - seeing her playing with you! Playing with your feelings! I endured the pain seeing you happy with her. I endured every f*cking second seeing you giving her loving eyes. I endured every time you gave her your love and her throwing it into trash.” more tears escaped your eyes, not stopping soon. Jooheon now looked at the floor, not lifting his eyes.

“Jooheon.-” said man lifted his eyes, looking at your fragile body. Even if your sight was blurry, you noticed how glassy his eyes have become. “You can be with anyone, but not her! I’ll endure the pain. Because I love you. You derserve so much better and I want you to be happy.“ a heavy silence filled the room. The air became thick, to hard to breath. Tears ran down his cheeks, a small sob escaped his lips together with these words, you never imagined to hear.

“And what if I wanna be with you?”

_____

Here are the following tags:

@lidda

@meiiyue​

@pleasantpeachstudent

[lestered]

☕️ + if you feel comfortable doing so, I would be interested in hearing about your experiences with depression. Where you are now with it, what has been most helpful so far in terms of treatment, what popular culture gets wrong or right about it, favorite touchstone quotes. Whatever is on your mind about it really.

sure! i’m gonna put it under the cut since it’s a bit long and also to avoid triggering people.

it’s been a lifelong problem for me. my entire life i’ve had naturally low self-esteem, severe social anxiety (started therapy for that when i was 6), body dysmorphia, abuse and bullying problems, etc. but i was officially diagnosed with clinical depression when i was 16, the reason being that my parents were annoyed about my slipping grades and mood swings, but pretty much chalked it up to me having a bad attitude until i finally let it slip in a scream-fight with my mom that i’d been cutting for quite a while and was suicidal. since then i’ve had a number of different therapists, psychiatrists, medications, and a lot of highs and lows. i’ve also been hospitalized a good few times and been to a ton of partial hospital programs. 

a depressive episode for me usually starts with feeling numb, dissociated, and very very tired. sometimes, that’s all it is for a few days and i bounce back. but if it’s a real episode, then it goes further. the self-loathing becomes unbearable, i completely withdraw from my friends and family. i can’t concentrate to save my life and nothing feels real. i sleep all the time, my stomach hurts, and i have headaches. i forget to eat and drink water and shower and brush my teeth, i stay in the same clothes and my hair turns into an absolute birdsnest. and of course, that stuff all just makes me feel even more awful about myself, it’s a vicious cycle. 

i used to self-medicate with alcohol a lot. i’d drink literally anything to numb myself - not just real alcoholic beverages but cough syrup, hairspray, mouthwash, cooking extracts, hand sanitizer, perfume, rubbing alcohol, etc. i’ve been getting help for that since september of last year and on august 10th i’ll have 6 months of sobriety. alcoholism is sort of a separate problem but sort of not; it’s its own disease but also a symptom of depression. the worst times of my life have been when i’ve taken myself off my prescribed medications, gone into withdrawal, stopped going to therapy, and drank all day every day.

i’ve had a couple Big Breakdowns in my life. the most recent was probably summer 2018, i fucked literally everything up and i’ve been clawing my way back ever since. things are definitely a lot better now. i live with my parents, i go to therapy every week, i see my psychiatrist once a month, and go to online AA meetings every day (before the pandemic i was going to in person meetings but this is working ok for now). i take my medications, which right now are prozac, wellbutrin, lamictal, and naltrexone. in the past i’ve also been on zoloft, effexor, abilify, and probably a bunch of others i’m not thinking of. eventually i’d like to be on a lot less medication. in the past i’ve been able to stay on low doses for long periods of time, but this is what’s keeping me stable for now. i’m not exactly where i want to be in life, but i’m working on it the more my mental health improves - and it has improved drastically since 2 years ago. not consistently; i’ve definitely had slips. but it’s overall a lot better.

i think the main things i’ve seen a lack of in pop culture are just how disgusting and non-functional depression can be, and how unforgiving the “real world” can be about it. failing classes, losing jobs, losing friends you thought you’d have forever, losing the respect of people you look up to, stuff like that. i’ve also yet to see much addiction or self-harm that isn’t glamorized in some way. 

this is all i can think of for now? sorry it got a little rambly, i tried to be as thorough as i could lmao. i’m not a big quote person, i usually find them corny and not very helpful. but, “if you’re going through hell, keep going” (winston churchill) i think is a good, simple one that’s stuck with me for a long time. so, yeah.....i think that’s it <3

[donqwxx]

Takeaways from JC and A’Levels

Hello! I am from Singapore and I just completed my GCE A’Levels. It was a tough ride and these are just some things I would like to share with students who are going through junior college (JC) or a similar education journey. No doubt Tumblr has a strong ‘studyblr’ community, but I realised that many A’levels related posts are generally from the UK, which may not always be applicable for JC kids. These are some things I wished I had someone tell me when I was going through JC and I really hope that you can relate to something from this and feel less alone in your journey! 

1   Get a routine  

I was never a planner and I always work on tasks based on its priority and my mood. But over the course of preparing for A’levels, I found it very helpful to establish a set routine every day, especially during the months leading up to A’levels after graduation. Routines are basically a series of regularly followed actions and I find that it helps me to feel in control of my time, and to power through the day and stay motivated. My routine consisted of me waking up at a fixed timing of 7am every day, doing simple workouts for 30 minutes, having my breakfast and a shower before starting my revision at about 9am. This morning routine became a ritual for me and made it easier to motivate myself to sit at my desk and get work done instead of falling into the temptation of lazing on my bed for 30 minutes more. Find what works for you and once you instill the self-discipline to keep it going for the first few weeks, it will eventually become much easier to stick to it eventually.

2   Don’t lose momentum!!  

I believe that A’levels is similar to a marathon. Once you stop, it’s easy to lose your momentum and eventually your gears will turn rusty. In the months leading up to the A’levels, I had shifted my focus onto the subjects that I was weaker in and I paid less attention to Geography, which I felt I had generally mastered both the content and skills. And naturally, during the A’levels itself, I also spent more time on the subjects that were more imminent and neglected Geography, which was my last paper. Although I made sure to do at least 1 practice paper per week, I found myself unfamiliar with the content and trying to cram the heavy content in a few days was just too late. I felt that I underperformed for the paper as the content felt somewhat foreign to me, which was disappointing as I had worked so hard to master it before. Thus, it is extremely important to not neglect any of your subjects. Time is indeed tight, but it is important to continue to look through and revise the content of the subject regularly, no matter how confident you are in it. This is really important to not only keep your momentum but also boost your confidence for the paper! During our mock exams, my teacher told us that from our essays he could tell that some of us were losing our momentum already. This really shows how a loss in momentum can really show in your writing in the form of a lack of rigor, which highlights the importance of constantly revising and going through all of your subjects. I am not saying to not focus on the subjects you are weak in but to also make sure not to neglect any, even if it means just half an hour flipping through a particular set of notes. It is a difficult balancing act but try your best to do balance all your subjects and I believe it would really ensure you are at your best during the A’levels.

3   Don’t compare

I think this is the number 1 problem for many JC students, whether it is when we compare our grades or the opportunities we are awarded against our peers. In the fast-paced, competitive system, it is inevitable that we sometimes get trapped in these bouts of anxiousness that everyone seems to be doing so much better than we are. I clearly remember my first few Geography lectures and tutorials where I would just come out feeling so lost with so many question marks in my head and sometimes I would just burst into tears thinking that everyone else is coping so well and understanding everything while I did not pick up anything at all. However, with time, I realised that most of the time, whatever we tell ourselves in our heads is often more exaggerated and extreme than reality. You are definitely not the only one struggling and lagging behind, and most of the time, it’s just that people do not show their struggles on their faces. By comparing yourself with someone else, you are equating someone else’s strengths with your own weakness and obviously, that is not a fair comparison. Acknowledge your strengths and the efforts you are taking to improve yourself. A quote that personally helped to frame my mindset is this: “My best, my 100% might be someone else’s 80%... or 60%... or 40% but it’s my best and it’s good enough. And that’s what matters.” Getting caught in a never-ending race of trying to outbid others will only cause you to lose sight of what is truly important to you and who you are. This was something I had learnt the hard way as I lost much of my self-esteem because I just felt that I was never good enough. But the truth is, none of us are and as long as we strive to grow each day to become better, it’s enough. You are enough.

4   Be kind to yourself, give yourself the rightful credit

This is never easy to do and I struggled with this for many years and I am still trying to become better at it. Every single human being makes mistakes, including you. Don’t beat yourself over an answer that you could have written better or that careless mistake you made during a math paper. Yes, you screwed up but so what? Don’t discount all the times when you persevered and spent hours trying to understand that particular topic. Failure is not always a bad thing. Think about it, it is because of all the times when you fell that you picked yourself up and became stronger. Failing is an unavoidable experience of growth, don’t be too hard on yourself. Don’t equate taking responsibility to taking the blame for everything. Many times when something goes wrong, I always tend to take the blame even when it is not my fault or something that I can control, and most of the time, I do not even recognise this. This made me learn that overly-blaming yourself will only continue to hurt your confidence. Recognise that some things are out of your control and that not every outcome is because of something you said or did. Some decisions are primarily the responsibility of others. Be mindful of what constitutes your responsibilities. Part of attaining self-love is learning to set your own personal boundaries and making it clear to the people you love about these lines. One such personal boundary that I drew was to set aside the time I take to travel on public transport to and fro school as a time for myself to reflect and be alone. However, unlike all my previous failed attempts at self-care, this time I learnt to speak up and to let my friends know of this personal boundary of mine so that they respect it and do not cross the boundary. This helped to boost my self-respect and confidence greatly as I learnt to mark my own boundaries and convey it to others. 

5   Burn-outs

Burnouts occur in different periods of time for different people. I experienced my first burnout in my 2nd year of JC and it happened at a time when I was overwhelmed by my commitments in extra-curricular activities and my academics and I also fell into the trap of comparing myself to others. I felt sleepy all the time, I did not want to get up and the thought of giving up was a constant in my mind. It was a very trying time for me as I felt the need to have to go on with my everyday life as if nothing was happening. However, it is important to recognise that it is a way your body is alerting you that you are exhausted. Listen to your body, do not force yourself to “snap out of it” or feel guilty about not being as productive. Burnouts reflect a state of our mental health, and it takes time to recover from one. Many of my friends, including myself, started to burn out in the second to the third week of A’levels as well. The exams stretch for 1 whole month and there are hardly any breaks after the mid-year exams as you engage in a cycle of constant revision, prelim exams and finally the A’levels. Hence, I can’t stress the importance of pacing yourself enough. Make it a priority to schedule breaks and to allow yourself to rest. For example, if you find yourself less productive at night, stop work at 9 and just do whatever you want till your bedtime. I made it a point to sleep at least 7 hours every night leading up to A’levels. Not only did it helped to regulate my stress, but it also allowed me to be more awake and productive during the day! Many people feel guilty for sleeping early because their friends burn the midnight oil or because they tell themselves they have to make better use of the time. But I strongly believe that everybody works differently. Find out what sleep schedule works for you and stick to it. After all, you are the one who is accountable for yourself, not them. Other than plenty of rest, what helped me out of my burn out was reading and listening to other people’s stories. These 3 sources really helped me to feel less alone in my stuggle: 1, 2, 3.  It is also important to discover the cause of your burnout as this can help you to tackle the problem at its root. Take time off school if you need to and reflect on the stressors in your life. Engage in activities that you enjoy and give yourself time to recover. Don’t suffer alone, talk to others about it. It is okay to ask for help, you don’t have to do everything alone. I had decided to talk to my family members about it and contrary to what I expected, I received heartfelt advice from my siblings who had gone through similar experiences before. Talk to someone who you are comfortable with about your feelings. It can be daunting but sometimes, it enables to open your heart and mind and discover perspectives you have never seen before. Recovering from burnout can take a very long time and it is normal. Don’t push yourself to feel 100% every single day, listen to your emotions and prioritise yourself. Afterall, your health is the most important. 

6   Actively reach out to your support system

One of my biggest regrets in JC was failing to recognise that I could ask for help. I was always hard on myself and I felt that at 18, I had to be independent and mature and do everything alone. I shamed myself when I asked for help. When I was on the verge to talk to someone about my problems, I was always held back by the thought that I would be a burden to my friends or family, especially since they are having their own struggles as well. I felt like I would just be adding on to their problems and no one would be genuinely interested in what I had to say. This made me feel unimportant and lonely. It was as if I was in a dark pit alone with no way out. As if my screams were in a different frequency that cannot be heard by anyone else. However, my sister taught me that there would always be people willing to listen to me and to be there for me. It was difficult for me to believe it at first, but once I started to open myself up to others and allowed them to be there for me and enter my life, I felt so much more secure and loved. I learnt that the person who is responsible for building my own support system is no other than myself. Nobody can read my mind. If I do not express my thoughts, how do I expect others to be there for me? That said, not everyone here reading this post may be good at expressing their feelings. However, talking is merely just one of those ways. Find your way to let your family or friends know that you need their support and company. This could be certain physical cues or even through writing. I can comfortably say that JC was one of the loneliest periods in my life. It can sometimes feel that the world is revolving regardless of how you are doing and you are trapped in so much action around you but you have so little involvement in them. Therefore, I cannot stress how important it is to establish a support system for yourself, no matter if you are someone who needs a lot of affirmations or not. Be proactive in searching for people to support you in your journey and likewise, be there for them when they need you. 

7   Forgive yourself and move on

After my economics paper 1, I felt extremely dejected because I did not perform as well as I wanted to. My time management was poor and there were questions that I did not understand. I was disappointed and angry with myself. I blamed myself as I felt that all the efforts that I had put in in the past 1.5 years would just go down the drain. I cried for an entire afternoon and I was so disheartened to the point where I just wanted to give up and not take the other papers. It took me a long time to come to terms with the fact that there is no point in crying over spilt milk and to let it go. My point is, it is okay to feel sad, angry or whatever emotions you have, but it is important to let it go. Sometimes, emotions are just chains locking people down, and dwelling in them only makes one feel worse. I had allowed myself to wallow in self-pity and to wish that I had done better. But these are things I cannot change. Regardless of the outcome, if you had done your best in that instant, you did well and you deserve to tell yourself that. Yes, you made some mistakes but so what? Despite it not being able to fulfill your expectations, your best is all you can do, no one can do more than that. My teacher had said this once: “Never indulge in your feelings, be it emotions of joy or sadness. We feel, pack it up, remember and move forward. Don’t live in past glories and don’t live in past regrets.” Give yourself some time to internalise your emotions and organise them. Acknowledge your efforts and forgive yourself. Move on, allow yourself to breathe. I once watched a video and an analogy that they used has since been held close in my heart. It said a rocket has many little fuel tanks that it carries with it that brings it to the sky. But once it is in the sky, it has to drop it all so that it can continue with its journey. Likewise, this applies to the bad things that happen in our lives. It spurs you on and helps you grow and then you just need to let them go so that you can move further. 

8   Your life is not just about studying.

Your life is more than just those notes and exams, there are so many opportunities awaiting you and so many meaningful things around you. While our main responsibility as students is to study hard, it is important to find life out of the books. I read an article recently and it puts my point across very nicely: “Our education system is built on the idea of merit, so people ... equate merit with performance in exams”. We allow our academic performance to influence how we feel about ourselves, our sense of self-worth and confidence. It is important to find your worth outside of the affirmations of others when you do well academically, or else it is easy to fall into the belief that you are nothing but a grade-making machine. After my A’levels ended, I felt a low in my life as I had dedicated so much of my life to studying that I lost my purpose and I felt worthless because I was no longer being “productive”. I forgot how to enjoy myself and to have fun, and this made me realise that I had indeed lost myself in trying to meet my own expectations academically. I cooped myself at home for months and the only time I left the house was to the library or school to study. Make it a point to engage in your hobbies, do not put it off just because you feel that it is a waste of time or that you feel pressured to study. It is difficult to see it now because you might be caught in the frenzy of studying, but when you look from a wider perspective, your academic journey is only such a small part of your life. There are more permanent things that you carry throughout your life, like your relationships with people, social skills that will continue to shape you as a person. Dedicate time for these important things and I can assure you that you will not regret it.

9   Find joy in learning

At some point in JC, I found that I lost my joy for learning and I was instead trying to memorise all the information in my head without trying to understand it. I was only studying just for the exams rather than to develop my critical thinking skills and my knowledge. Studying got very painful and I lost interest in many of my subjects, even those that I liked initially. When I realised this problem in the middle of JC2, I made it a point to relook at all of my study material and to slowly go through everything to try to genuinely understand them. It took a long time but this helped to spark my interest again as the content was no longer as dry as before. Blind memorisation may seem to be a shortcut and an effective way to ace the exams, but for me, I found it difficult to apply any of the concepts as I did not know how to adapt them to the questions. There is a difference between learning and studying. Be mindful to sieve out whether you are learning or purely just doing it for the exams.

10   Tough times will pass

For me, the JC experience was so tough that it is indescribable in words. The best way I can put my experience is that it is like a rollercoaster ride, except that everything is perpetually going downhill. Of course, there have been good days, but there has been a fair share of difficult days. It is extremely demanding to have to learn this giant chunk of content in only 1.5 years and the commitment for extra-curricular activities will undeniably drain you. It may be unbearable at times and you might feel that you want to give up. I have also gone through these moments in my life but I can confidently tell you that you are stronger than you believe and you will overcome them. Think about all the times when you felt so small and vulnerable, but in the end, you managed to get through them and now the painful experience is only just a speck of your memory and it no longer hurts you as much as before. Likewise, you will be able to overcome whatever struggles that come in your way. I read the book ‘The Last Lecture’ and there was a line that said “The brick walls are there for a reason. The brick walls are not there to keep us out. The brick walls are there to give us a chance to show how badly we want something. Because the brick walls are there to stop the people who don’t want it badly enough. They’re there to stop the other people.” All the struggles and heartaches will only bring you closer to your dreams. It will teach you lessons, grow you to become stronger and equip you with more wisdom to tackle other challenges in the future. This was a song that comforted me through many of my bad days and I hope it can also bring you some strength to continue to push on: https://youtu.be/4KdUGnowXS0 You will be okay, this soon shall pass. The storms may be tough but the sun will shine again. It will get better! Don’t give up!

While you are caught in your endless to-do list, never forget you are human. I mean these 3 things- resting, making mistakes and feeling. Make time for play and rest, for development. As we grow up, there will be new emotions we would be experiencing for the first time. These eventually will make up who we are as a person which we will carry throughout our lives, so invest time into these things as well.

I know how tough JC is. You may feel that you will never see the end of the tunnel but as long as you are taking small, new steps every single day, you’ll make it. Take challenges, fight. Even if you get beaten up, live your life how you want okay? This is our youth and we will only live it once. Leave no regrets and chase your dreams! Lastly, let me leave a youtube video from one of the artists I admire very much, there were many meaningful messages I got out of the interview and I hope you will too! 

Thank you for reading this, no matter whether you are studying in JC or not, I hope this has been helpful! Hang on and your hard work will pay off! Believe in yourself!

[mrsh0rr0rxoxo-blog]

Depression

Depression –

 Let’s talk about the different types of Depression that are out there. Once I’m finished, if you are someone who suffers from Depression talk to me. Tell me what you Suffer from. And if you’re so inclined to do so, tell me about what made you this way. Because we didn’t get this way from birth, TRUMA happened to make us this way.

Clinical Depression –

Being sad most of the time, so much that it effects your daily life, you may or may not have this.

Treatment – Talking to your doctor, talking to a Therapist and medication. You may also want to consider making changes in your lifestyle. I know it’s hard, but even the smallest change, might make your Clinical Depression, less noticeable to you.

Major Depression –

Major Depression or as often called by doctors “Major Depressive Disorder” (It’s technically the same thing). To know if this is something that you suffer from, you’re going to feel or should be feeling depressed most of the days during the week, and nothing that you can do will bring you out during those days.

Symptoms –

-         Loss of interest or pleasure you once felt in activities.

-         Weight gain is most common for us Stress eaters & depressed eaters, but don’t be alarmed if you lose weight. It is more common than you think.

-         Not able to sleep at night or able to fall asleep, resulting in you feeling sleepy all day.

-         Feeling Worthless. (Which means in your mind, nothing you can do makes anyone happy) It’s not true, but in your mind it really is.

-         Restless, Sluggish and Agitated (ALL. THE. TIME.)

-         Slowed down physically and or mentally. (But typically if you’re slow physically, your mental state will be slow also.)

-         Always tired with lack of energy.

-         THOUGHTS of Suicide (BUT no action).

-         Can’t concentrate or make decisions.

If you go to your doctor with FIVE or more of these symptoms, and they last more then 2 to 3 weeks, you have a chance of being diagnosed with Major Depression.

Treatment –

Antidepressants, Talk Therapy (Which never worked for me.) Mental Health Specialists that you will be asked to see, they will help you find a way to manage it. (I highly recommend it.)

If medication barely helps – then you can also try ECT & rTMS (Electroconvulsive Therapy & Repetitive Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation)

Consult your Doctor before considering the above treatments in Bold.

 Persistent Depressive Disorder –

Depression lasting more then TWO years. The Term “Persistent Depressive Disorder” is used to describe two conditions, previously known as Dysthymia (low-grade persistent) & Chronic Major Depression.

Symptoms –

-         Change in appetite (Over eating or not at all.)

-         Sleeping too much or too little.

-         Fatigue or lack of energy.

-         Low Self-Esteem.

-         Trouble Concentrating/Making Decisions

-         Always feeling Hopeless.

Treatment –

Psychotherapy, Medication or Both.

Bipolar Disorder –

Someone who is Bipolar – or often called “Manic Depression” Has a mood episode. It can range from Extremes of high energy with an “Up” mood to low “depressive” periods.

When in low Phase, you will have symptoms of Major Depression.

Meds will help bring your moods under control. Whether you’re in a high or low Period. You might also need a mood stabilizer. (Talking with your doctor is the best way to figure that out.)

Bipolar is something Serious and needs to be treated right away.

Traditional  antidepressants are not always going to be recommended as first-line treatments for bipolar depression, since there is no proof from studies that these drugs are more helpful than a placebo(sugar pill) in treating depression in people with bipolar disorder.

Not to mention that for some people with bipolar disorder (like me), some of the traditional antidepressants may increase the risk of causing a “High” phase of illness, or speeding up how often you have these episodes over time.

Psychotherapy can also help you and your family with support.

I can honestly tell you, that my Bipolar Disorder, puts a lot of stress on my husband and child. It’s really bad. When I’m having a “High” day, it’s a bad day for everyone. I don’t even want to work on those days. I can’t focus. But employers don’t understand someone with mental disabilities, so unfortunately in this world, you can’t not go to work because of it.

 Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD or Seasonal Depression as most often heard) –

It is a period of Major Depression that most often happens during the winter months, when the days grow shorter and you get less and less sunlight. It typically will go away in the spring and summer.

If you do have SAD, antidepressants will help. You can also do light therapy. You will need to sit in front of a special bright light box for about 15-30 minutes each day.

Get it treated. Don’t let it go because you know with spring your mental state will clear, if you get too far down the rabbit hole, there’s no coming back out of it with the change of the season.

 Psychotic Depression –

People who have psychotic depression have the symptoms of Major depression along with “Psychotic” symptoms, such as:

-         Hallucinations (seeing or hearing things that are not there)

-         Delusions (false beliefs)

-         Paranoia (wrongly believing that others are trying to harm you.)

Treatment –

A combination of antidepressants and antipsychotic drugs can treat psychotic depression. ECT may also be an option for you.

 Peripartum (PostPartum) Depression –

Women who have major depression in the weeks and months after childbirth may have peripartum depression. Antidepressant drugs can help similarly to treating major depression that is unrelated to childbirth.

Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder (PMDD) –

Women with PMDD have depression and other symptoms at the start of their period.

Besides feeling depressed, you may also have:

-         Mood Swings

-         Irritability

-         Anxiety

-         Trouble concentrating

-         Fatigue

-         Change in appetite or sleep habits

-         Feelings of being overwhelmed

Treatment –

Antidepressant medication or sometimes oral contraceptives can treat PMDD.

 ���Situational’ Depression –

Situational – is not a technical term in psychiatry. But you can have a depressed mood based on what is going on in your life, a stressful event that you’re having trouble managing. A death in the family, a divorce, losing your job. Your doctor might call this “stress response syndrome.”

Treatment –

Psychotherapy can often help you get through a period of depression that’s related to a stressful situation.

Atypical Depression –

This is different then the persistent sadness of typical depression. It’s considered to be a “Specifier” that describes a pattern of depressive symptoms. If you have “atypical depression,” a positive event can temporarily improve your mood.

Other symptoms of atypical depression include:

-         Increased appetite

-         Sleeping more than usual

-         Feeling of heaviness in your arms and legs

-         Oversensitive to criticism

Treatments –

Antidepressants can help. Your doctor might suggest a type called SSRI – Selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor, as the first line of treatment.

They might also sometimes recommend an older type of antidepressant called MAOI – Monoamine oxidase inhibitor – which is a call of antidepressants that studies state work well with atypical depression.

 Some of you are reading this & thinking, “I’ve been depressed my entire life” that very well maybe true. No doubts about it. It is highly unlikely for you to have every single type of depression, but it is not unlikely for you to have had, experienced each one in your life.

I myself am Bipolar. I suffer from Major Depression & I very often do get Seasonal Depression.

I suffered from Postpartum after I had a miscarriage. I didn’t know that, that was possible, all I knew was my depression was worse. So I seen my doctor he treated me and it finally went away, it went back to my normal Highs & Lows.

My depression started when I was in High School and it has not gone away.

Somedays my depression doesn’t get the best of me, and somedays it does. I can feel myself slipping into depression now, when the bad days are coming. Lately they are more often then not, because I lost a friend that I loved very dearly.

That is her own fault, and I am partly to blame, but I’m not the one that wants everyone to feel bad for me. I think it’s because she suffered a great, great horrible loss in her life and hasn’t found the right way to overcome that, resulting in pushing everyone else away from her. Then making someone else the victim.

I’ve done it before. It’s how I can figure it out.

So, I did what I had to do for me. I stopped talking to her, and ever since there’s been stuff said about me that isn’t true, and it’s making my depression even worse. So, I’m cautious.

I watch what I say and do, I watch what I eat, because I need to eat healthy to keep me in a positive mood. I focus on the things that keep me happy. My husband, child and close, close friends. I read trashy romance novellas because they make me happy, I binge watch Grey’s Anatomy (because who doesn’t love a good cry) and I try to get the best sleep possible.

I’ve recently had an increase in medication, and I do think that is helping. I can’t say that I will ever be okay, and I can’t explain how I’m feeling to people that don’t understand because they will never understand.

  Credits -

Thank you to WebMD, for helping me fact check and make sure that I provided the correct information, treatment and diagnosis.

[crazyblondelife]

12 Ways to Build Confidence and Live a Joyful Life

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabuous?’ Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” ~ Marianne Williamson

The quote above from Marianne Williamson is one of my favorite quotes and it is true of all of us. We are adequate and powerful and brilliant and wonderful just because we were born. Some days, we are able to go out and feel as if we could conquer the world, but other days (or months), our confidence has been shaken for one reason or the other. It’s on those days, that reading the quote and knowing deep inside that it’s true, isn’t quite enough, we need practical ways to talk ourselves off the cliff, so to speak. Most successful people credit their sense of self and their confidence to their success. But not many people really explain how to build confidence, or how to become confident. Confidence is built on inherently knowing your worth and making choices that feed your passion, the accomplishments that follow make you feel happy and proud of who you are. Discovering these things is one of the most worthwhile things you will ever do.

Most of us have a vision of what we want our lives to look like, but we hold ourselves back by allowing the opinions of others, and/or a low self confidence get in the way. We do the same things over and over again without changing because of a fear of what others may think or because we truly believe that failure is a possibility. Failure is a total possibility, but success is also and sometimes you just have to get back up and start again. Getting back up after failing is so much better than never having tried.

Confident people love themselves, but for some reason one of the most difficult tasks for any of us is learning how to practice self love. Having confidence in yourself is key to living a joyful life. Society would have us believe that self confidence is something that comes from the approval of others. However, looking for validation from others will keep you stuck, trying to please in the hopes that you will one day feel like you’re enough, or you’ve done enough. That day will never come because f you don’t trust and love yourself, you will find other people and things to place your trust in, and you’ll slowly give away your power.

TRUE HAPPINESS LIES IN THE REALIZATION THAT YOU ARE ENOUGH.

Your confidence comes from the thoughts you have about yourself and it plays a role in almost everything you do. Having confidence helps you make positive choices in your every day life and gives you the courage to be your own person, have good relationships and deal with difficult situations. Accept who you because your own acceptance is the only acceptance you will ever need. What other people think of you is none of your business and doesn’t matter. Recognize your genius and be proud to share it. Here are my thoughts on how to find confidence on the days when it’s not so easy.

Let Go of Limiting Beliefs - You must believe in yourself and your vision. Let go of anything that isn’t serving you…including self doubt, fear and the people that don’t support you. Replace those negative thoughts with more positive thoughts which celebrate things you’re good at. Try making a list of three things you do well and remember this list when you start feeling down, this will stop you from feeling sorry for yourself and repeating old patterns. Create a different perspective by looking at hard situations from different angles. Look at a situation through a more realistic lens and you’ll realize that you actually can begin to do what you want. By doing this every time you have a negative thought, you’ll eventually train yourself to be positive. This is inner work that must be done! Remind yourself that, despite your problems, you are unique, special and valuable and that you deserve to feel good about yourself. You are, after all, as Marianne Williamson said a “child of God”, so challenge any negative thoughts about yourself and turn them around.

2. Take Care of Yourself - Eating well and exercising make you feel good and stimulates a positive mood. When you exercise, you ease stress and feel better about yourself. Exercise benefits your health in general but it also helps memory retention, improves focus, helps manage stress and prevents depression. Regular exercise can improve every aspect of your life. So stay active and make time to take care of yourself.

3. Take Time to Relax - Stress plays a huge role in negative self esteem. Reduce your stress by taking time out to do something you find relaxing. This can be anything from taking a bath, listening to beautiful music, meditating or taking a walk in nature…if it works for you, do it! Do More of What Makes You Happy! Whatever it is you love, create space for it in your life.

4. Set Goals and Get Things Done - Take the time every day to think about what you’d like to achieve. Then set realistic goals each day and keep track of your progress by writing down what you’ve accomplished. Some days it might be as simple as finishing your work or cleaning up. You’ll feel an enormous sense of accomplishment when you’ve crossed off everything on your list for the day. However, don’t get bogged down by the list; some days you won’t manage to get it all done and thats fine. Confidence is built on accomplishment, so set a goal for yourself, and get going!

5. Surround Yourself With People Who Make You Feel Good - Spend your time with people who appreciate and care about you. Distance yourself from people who make you feel bad about yourself. When you start being unapologetic about making your vision for life the most important thing, the people who aren’t supportive will usually either change their mind or they’ll go away because your energy is just too positive for them. Either way, it’s ok.

6. Be Mindful of Your Progress - The best way to reach your goals, big or small, is break them into smaller goals and to monitor your progress. Whether you’re trying to start a business, change careers, eat healthier or lose 10 pounds, the best way to know if you’re making progress is to monitor it. You’ll build confidence as you see the progress you’re making every day.

7. Do the Next Right Thing - Most confident people live by a value system and make their decisions based on that value system. Your actions and your decisions define your character. Ask yourself, what is the next right action. What would the best version of yourself do, and then do it. Even when it’s really hard and its the last thing you want to do, in the long run you’re going to like yourself more and be prouder of who you are.

8. Be Fearless - Failing sometimes is inevitable but it’s the fear of failure that’s crippling. If you set big goals and have big dreams, you’re going to feel overwhelmed, and at times, you’re going to get tired or have a bad day and you’re inevitably going to feel like you can’t go on. In those moments you have to look inside yourself, gather your courage just keep going. One small step at a time. Every successful person has been afraid, and they’ve kept working and taking risks anyway, because what they are trying to accomplish is more important than their fear of failure. Think about what you want for your life, then put your fear aside and keep going, one day at a time.

9. Don’t let anyone, ever make you feel like you don’t deserve what you want. You deserve everything you want!

10. Follow Through - You will respect yourself if you say you’re going to do something and you do it, and believing in yourself will come more easily, because you know you are not afraid to do the work. Action gives meaning to your words, and it will help you to accomplish your goals, strengthen your relationships and feel proud of who you are.

11. Plan For the Long Term - Decisions made for the short term can keep your long term goals from being realized. If you’re trying to save money, you can’t go out to eat as much. If you’re trying to lose weight, you can eat french fries as often (you get the picture). Big goals require small daily sacrifices, you must be disciplined. “Discipline is the gap between goals and accomplishment”. Remember the quote from Oprah Winfrey - “Luck is when preparation meets opportunity.” Doing the best you can in this moment makes the moments to come better!

12. Don’t Care What Others Think - This goes along with surrounding yourself with supportive people. There are going to be so many people who will tell you that you cannot accomplish your goal, tell you that your goal is too big, or that you’re not ready, or that it can’t be done, or that it’s never been done. You absolutely must never listen to them. People change the world every day, despite everyone around them telling them it can’t be done. If you think you can do it, you can do it. Believe in Yourself and Shine Bright!

Figure out what works for you so that you can find the confidence you need in order to have what you want. You and only you are responsible for creating the life you want to live. Get out there and make it happen!

Confidence isn’t walking into a room with your nose in the air and thinking you are better than everyone else; it’s walking into a room and not having to compare yourself with anyone in the first place!

[alxspeaks]

As some of you may have noticed, I have been pretty quiet on social media recently. In fact, I went roughly 2 months without as much as opening up a social media app. In total, it was 3 months until I officially made a post from any of my social media accounts. Now this may not seem like such a big deal, but like most of the world’s population I was addicted to social media.

In 2019, it is estimated that there will be around 2.77 billion social media users around the globe and that figure continues to increase (The Statistics Portal).Social media is everything right now: people turn to Twitter before they turn on the news, every business has a social media platform, and it is now the easiest way to contact anyone from your Mom to Cardi B. Everyone is involved in some aspect of social media and it is so easy to get caught up without even realising it. I would often find myself constantly hopping between Facebook, Instagram ,Snapchat and Twitter, scrolling, uploading and posting. It was the first thing I did when I woke up and the last thing before I went to bed. I would stay up late with nothing but the glare from my phone screen glowing on my face as I would constantly follow updates and news feeds. It had gotten to the point where I began to feel uncomfortable without my phone in my hand and whenever I felt a bit socially awkward it was the first thing I would look for. I began to depend on it and this twisted relationship started to trigger a lot of problems for me.

It all began in March 2018 just after my 24th birthday when I started to really notice a big change in my overall mood: 50% of the time I was unhappy and the other 50% I spent worrying and feeling anxious. Throughout my time at University I had been noticing increased anxiety and changes in my mood but after graduation it just seemed to be getting progressively worse. It came to a point where my overall outlook on life was consistently negative and I was miserable, unable to eat, sleep or think clearly. I had this feeling that I was just a total failure at everything and I was finding it extremely difficult to cope with life. I was really scared of the thoughts going through my head and I felt as though I had no control over my emotions. Although I had felt overwhelmed and stressed before, I knew that this was different but I had no idea what was happening to me. I sought advice from a friend who I knew was open about her mental health journey and after speaking to her I took a huge leap and decided to refer myself to my local mental health team.

This was just the worst thing for me as I hate drawing any attention to myself, yet, here I was,  preparing to talk to total strangers about my life. I started doing my own research into the way that I was feeling and I began to discover that I had symptoms similar to that of Anxiety.These were symptoms that I had been suffering with with for over 5 years and I had just put it down to stress or to me simply overreacting and being silly. I was later diagnosed with Generalised Anxiety Disorder (GAD) Social Phobia and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. MAD! One day i’m just me trying to live my best life, and the next I suddenly have three Anxiety Disorders that I now have to manage and understand. The change was huge and I felt as though I had to learn who I was all over again as all of this time I had been living with a mental health condition that I knew nothing about. It’s crazy to think that if I hadn't taken my health into my own hands I would have never had any answers for the way that I had been feeling all of these years.

There were various different factors that had led up to this point in my life, University being the main one as that was when I had my first signs of anxiety: my self-confidence had really plummeted and I found myself feeling completely lost. After graduation, everything just seemed to be going wrong like my entire future was slipping away from me and I was helpless to stop it (Post-Graduate Depression see article links below). I was under way too much pressure from myself, my family (being the sole carer for two parents with long term illnesses), and from life in general with no help and no one who could truly understand. I was really unsettled and didn’t have anywhere to truly call my home. Job rejections had just become so commonplace that I didn’t even realise how much it was affecting my self confidence. Family and friends that I thought I could count on had all left and in the space of about 3 weeks my friendship circle had more than halved, at a time when I needed the most support I felt truly alone. During this time, I was still active on social media scrolling away, but the more I scrolled the worse it made me feel about my own life and each time I put down my phone after being on social media I felt upset. At times, I was even drawn to tears. Not only was it lowering my self-esteem and fueling the ideas in my head that ‘I am a failure’, it was also a huge trigger for my Anxiety. Once I realised this, I knew I had to take action, but I honestly didn’t know how. Then, one day, I went to spend some time with one of my closest friends and she said four life changing words to me. ‘You have a choice’. As obvious as this may seem I had genuinely forgotten that I actually have the option to choose whether or not to participate in social media. She explained that she had been through a similar experience and that she had to set herself some very strict rules. One of them was that she only logged in when she was making a social media post and logged out straight after; she never scrolled! That was all the advice I needed and I immediately logged out of all my social media accounts and guess what? The world didn’t end and I finally felt as though I had control over one aspect of my life. I now controlled social media; it did not control me. The moment I logged out, I didn’t feel the urge to log back in for months. However, I still found myself reaching for my phone out of habit. So, to shift my focus, I downloaded apps that are constructive uses of my time such as wordscapes, Duolingo (started learning new languages) and Headspace (mindfulness meditation).

Throughout all of this I was still struggling whilst awaiting my first counselling appointment on a 3 month waiting list, but I put on a brave face, carrying on with business as usual. Then, one day, I snapped. I had a huge panic attack and during this whole episode I accidently smashed my phone. I had completely given up on life and I felt as though no one understood what I was going through.

So, there I was, completely broken and no phone, no contacts, no apps, nothing! Ordinarily I would have been even more of a mess after breaking my phone, but I later found that this gave me the push I needed to understand that I don’t need to be contacting people all the time and people don’t always need to be updated on my every move. In fact, it’s when I am most quiet on social media that I am working my hardest, and at this particular time it was vital that I put all of my efforts into working on me and my well being.

In addition to this, (I have a confession to make, here it goes…) I haven't picked up a pencil in over a year! Unfortunately I have not been able to design as much as a vest since last year summer. When my mental health deteriorated, so did my creative flow. However, I did not see it at the time so I just put more pressure on myself to create a new collection until it made me sick and my body started to shut down. I went without sleep, food, water, social life, pretty much everything a human needs to function. I was forcing myself to produce work in ridiculous time frames, frantically trying to prove to myself and the world that I am good enough. The fact that I couldn’t think clearly just caused me more frustration but mostly I didn't want to let everyone down: all of you who believe in me and my creative talent. I already felt like a failure in my own eyes and I didn’t want anyone else to think the same. My desire was to be constantly seen on social media doing amazing things in fashion but that just wasn’t my reality.

The truth is, I had built up so much pressure around myself and my fashion career that it became a huge anxiety trigger for me. As a result, I haven't been able to return to my beautiful design studio in nearly a year. Me, Alex, who lives and breathes fashion. I wrestled with the idea for a long time but I was forced to take an extended break from fashion design and my other projects until I saw some improvement in my mental health. I once said that if I was to suddenly die I wouldn’t be upset because I was no longer alive, I would be upset because I didn’t get the chance to live a life that I enjoyed living. I had to take a break and readjust my whole life, it was seriously a matter of life and death; I had to put my fashion career on hold.

I’ve heard of so many artists, musicians and writers taking creative breaks and now I completely understand why. My creativity is such a huge part of me but it only works when i’m in good health. Anything that I create outside of that is just not a clear representation of me as an artist. I was so focused on trying to live my best life through the eyes of others that I forgot to look after myself. Right now, living my best life currently looks like attending my therapy sessions, remembering to breathe, drinking plenty of water and practicing mindfulness. I plan to take as much time as I need to focus on me and my health so that I can come back stronger and produce something that’s true to who I am as a designer when I am at my best. So next time you see me, don’t ask how my collection is going, ask me how I am doing!

We often look at people who do great things and admire them from afar. In our eyes they might seem like the best and the brightest and it’s easy to assume that all is well with them. But, my experience has shown me that this is one of the most dangerous assumptions a person could make. I was still going through all of this trauma when I was raising the money for my collection, when my shirt design was sold in Hawes and Curtis and when I became one of Birmingham’s 30under30 finalists. I realised that I had been wearing a happy mask and suffering in silence for years until it eventually fell down and I was left to deal with everything that I have been hiding from. It came to the point where I was just waiting for someone, anyone, to ask me if I was ok. Then, finally, I took my health into my own hands and bravely asked for help.

I am currently undergoing therapy sessions with the best therapist ever and we are working through small steps to help me get better. I finally have somewhere safe that I can call my home and i’ve started spending more time doing things that I enjoy like being outdoors and writing poetry. I also started doing yoga and practicing mindfulness meditation so I can learn how to switch off when my head is just doing the most (the Headspace app has literally saved my life, check it out). My relationship with social media is now so much better and I have set rules for myself #noscrolling and I logout after every session. I have seen huge improvements in my mental health, self-esteem and body confidence since doing this and I just feel generally more positive about life. I still have a very long way to go and I am nowhere near better yet but each day I learn something new and I make progress.

I logged out of social media and it was one the best decisions I have ever made for myself. On my 24th birthday I told myself that this was going to be the year of me and so far it has been. Although it has been my most difficult year to date I have been forced to focus on me and put my health first because, at the end of the day, that is what is most important.

For more information about Anxiety Disorders and mental health advice check out these links below.

For Useful Contacts

https://birminghammind.org/contact-page/emergency-contacts/

For Information

YouTube- The 5 Major Anxiety Disorders

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IzaNQAh3NiY&t=7s

Mind

https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/anxiety-and-panic-attacks/anxiety-disorders/#.W6GCdy2ZNsM

Beyond Blue

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/the-facts/anxiety/types-of-anxiety

Post-Graduate Depression

https://metro.co.uk/2017/07/17/why-is-no-one-talking-about-post-graduate-depression-6760769/

https://www.topuniversities.com/blog/we-need-talk-about-post-graduation-depression

References

The Statistics Portal https://www.statista.com/statistics/278414/number-of-worldwide-social-network-users/

[thegildenheart]

OOC - Thanks

Lots of gushing I’d usually keep private beneath the cut but I want to make a stand here so it’s out there, concrete and real. Something I can look back to and realise how many people are here fighting for me, and with me, and supporting me.

(It’s honestly just a lot of waffle.)

Over the last few months things have been steadily declining again - spiraling down into the place that keeps me in bed because facing the day is too hard, and all that. I think, finally, I’m coming out of the other end and climbing, but I haven’t done that alone so I want to make my appreciation for several of you lovely Tumblr people known.

@aethersent - first and foremost. You’re one of my best friends and you’ve never backed down from trying to patch up my abysmal self-esteem, confidence and mood. You’re an amazing human being and an inspiration.

@righthererightzao - another best friend. You are a constant breath of positivity and optimism in my life and I’ve needed both for so long. You’re tired often but you never stop supporting me or offering your ear and it means so much to me.

@yladri - you talk to me every day, without fail. You provide me with structure, and consistency, and I can’t begin to tell you how much that has helped, even on the days where I can’t quite face responding to people. I wish I could give back more than I do.

@thebaileymail - you believe in me more than I believe in myself and you’re somebody I absolutely feel comfortable confiding in. Thank you for your compliments and for checking in with me every now and then. It means a lot.

@locke-rinannis - you’re an inspiration to me, and one of the people I look up to the most, both for your skills as a roleplayer, artist and writer, but also for your attitude and endless warmth.

@meta-rp - there are too many of you to name individually, but I love you all. You are a family to a lonely soul and the first place I’ve ever felt comfortable OOC. <3

@castthemintotheabyss - another inspiration! Your passion for your character, for the setting and for your writing, as well as how quickly you’re progressing with art, is incredibly motivating to me.

@swordandpen - you’re just a really cool person. I really admire your characters and it’s always a joy to see any of your content on my feed. Your support and likes are always appreciated. <3

@demure-lucidity - thank you for so much interest in my characters. I’m sorry I haven’t been able to go any further, or schedule some roleplay with you. Hopefully as things improve something will happen.

@skyklaws - this might be a little silly but your screenshot artistry always makes me feel a little cheer, and your constant support for my Tumblr stuff does as well. Thank you!

You. Whoever you are, reading this, be it a friend, a stranger, a follower - you, and everyone here, give me the strength to carry on, and remind me how many lives I’ve interwoven myself in, even if only minutely.

<3

[an-infinity-of-possibilities]

every odd number for the weird asks, darling 🥂

Hey darling :) always happy to see you in my notes

1. coffee mugs, teacups, wine glasses, water bottles, or soda cans? Coffee mugs... Coffee addict here and my addiction also applies to coffee mugs

3. bubblegum or cotton candy? Bubblegum :)

5. do you prefer to drink soda from soda cans, soda bottles, plastic cups or glass cups? I don't really drink soda in general but when I do I prefer in glass cups :)

7. earbuds or headphones? Headphones :)

9. favorite smell in the summer? Hmm... That's a good one. I'll say sea side and rain? I don't know haha maybe my apple trees too

11. what you have for breakfast on an average day? On average? coffee which isn't really breakfast but yeah... Sometimes smoothies

13. lanyard or key ring? Lanyard. I always lost my keys so I actually have three lanyards just so I won't lose them or let them out of my sight

15. favorite book you read as a school assignment? As a school assignment? Either Mrs Dalloway or a book from Québec called Marie-Tempête

17. most frequently worn pair of shoes? Cheap black shoes from walmart. They are really comfortable but nothing special

19. sleeping position? On my left side? BUt I do move a lot in my sleep so yeah

21. obsession from childhood? Harry Potter, Anne of Green Gables and Princess Diaries

23. strange habits? I don't know ? NOthing comes to mind right now haha Bringing a book with me at all times?

25. first song you remember hearing? Either Bed of Roses or Wanted Dead or Alive by Bon Jovi... It definitely was a BOn Jovi song

27. favorite activity to do in cold weather? Staying inside with my blanket, a good book and hot cocoa. I shouldn't be Canadian.... I absolutely hate the cold. Can't stand it

29. best way to bond with you? Sharing music, book, movies :)

31. what outfit do you wear to kick ass and take names? Oh dear... Hmm power suits? I absolutely love suits. I probably have too many of them tbh

33. most used phrase in your phone? Probably "idk" haha or like sorry. Something like that

35. average time you fall asleep? When do I ever fall asleep? haha probably 2 am if I had to say an hour but my sleep schedule is a little messed up

37. suitcase or duffel bag? Suitcase

39. lemon cake or lemon meringue pie? Lemon meringue pie :)

41. last person you texted? My friend about a book she told me to read a while back

43. hoodie, leather jacket, cardigan, jean jacket or bomber jacket? Can I say two? hahah I mean I am more often wearing hoodies because it's considered more appropriate to wear inside and I am always cold... But when I am outside I always have one of my leather jackets

45. which genre: sci-fi, fantasy or superhero? All three? But if I had to pick only one absolutely? Fantasy

47. favorite type of cheese? I don't think I have a favourite type of cheese? I don't eat that much of it tbh

49. what saying or quote do you live by? It's actually a A.A Milne quote from Winnie the Pooh. Please don't judge. My mum surrounded me with Winnie stuff when I was younger. It's " You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think." Something I try to remind myself everyday.

51. current stresses? Life hahah Nah but seriously a bunch of little nothings. My flat, I am stressed my grades won'T be good this semester. My car ( which is fine and has been for over a month), my cat having difficulties getting used to the new place... Loads of small little things.

53. what is the current state of your hands? They are clean and I just put lotion on them so they smell like vanilla. B But also A mess? Haha Up until two weeks ago I was working not only a very physical job but also one that messed up my hands. I have cuts everywhere on them and even a new scar cause of it. They will be fine in a week or two :)

55. favorite fairy tale? Oh gosh that is a difficult one.... I would probably go with... The little mermaid tho? But it changes depending my mood

57. the three biggest struggles you’ve overcome? Hmm.... That's a good one. Accepting who I am is one of them for sure. Standing up for myself ( I am better at it but still I could improve). Choosing my health over what I was expecting of myself. OVer my plans when I dropped out of uni

59. if you were a video game character, what would your catchphrase be? :O No idea, I don't feel I have any real catchphrase? I'D probably the sude character who curses a lot tho hahah

61. favorite line you heard from a book/movie/tv show/etc.? Again good one. There's so many. I love quotes. I'll go with... " We accept the love we think we deserve" from Perks of being a wallflower. I mean... It's true. Anyways... In my experience it is. When my self esteem was at its lowest.... I dumped my very good girlfriend cause I thought I didn't deserve her love. That she was too good for me.. To end up with a guy who was a violent narcissistic asshole... I didn't wanna leave him cause I thought that was exactly what I deserved that I could never do better. I did leave him in the end. but yeah...

63. five songs that would play in your club? - Dancing Queen by Abba -Poor Some Sugar on me - Def Leppard -Every Time We Touch - Cascada ( Don't judge I have good party memories with that song ahah ) - The Ketchup Song - Las Ketchup (Cause memories hahah) - Believe - Cher

65. any permanent scars? Loads ahah I have a big one on my back that almost goes from side to side from my heart surgery. I have one on my right side... again that surgery. It almost looks like a star. I have on my lip from when I was learning how to climb table when Mum wasn't looking. One on my finger from work when I was working in dried cranberries factory. One on my ankle from whe I fell in the ditch when learning how to bike without the little wheels. One on my knee cause I am just that talented that I fall over nothing x) A new one on my hand from work... Seriously the list goes on hahha but I do have scars.

67. good luck charms? My necklace. I never take it off unless I absolutely have to. It used to be my mum's but she gave it to me when I was going through a rough patch in high school.

69. a fun fact that you don’t know how you learned? Hmm... Nothing comes to mind? Sorry If I ever think of something I will be sure to let you know

71. least favorite pattern? Polka dot? I don't know hahha

73. favorite weird flavor combo? Cheese and maple syrup? haha

75. when did you lose your first tooth? I don't remember? I was in elementary school for sure... But I do remember the dentist had to take it out himself cause I had waited too much before I told anyone my tooth was moving hahha

77. best plant to grow on a windowsill? My cacti? haha

79. which looks better, your school id photo or your driver’s license photo? School. On my Driver's license I look like a murderer

81. fireflies or lightning bugs? Fireflies

83. writing or drawing? Both? hahaha BUt writing if I have to choose

85. fairy tales or mythology? Mythology. Both are great but... Mythology is the best

87. your greatest fear? Spiders? But if we're talking about like... Life fears? NOt being enough

89. who would you put before everyone else? My little brother. My little sister ( sometimes) and my parents.

91. boxes or bags? Boxes

93. nicknames? Fae, Fa, Fancy, Fancy Rodger, Roger.

95. favorite app on your phone? Music app haha I mean I cannot live without music soooo

97. how many phone numbers do you have memorized? At least a dozen? Mostly cause everyone in the family has the same phone number since forever.... I have no memory whatsoever so I am even surprised I know these ones.

Thank you for these asks Darling :) There was a lot but I enjoyed writing them haha Took me a while. I had an hectic week but I promise I love these things I am just very bad at timing my stuff haha

[raymondleonora1993]

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