#my mom: i learned female anatomy from that gross thing

[snobgoblin]

fun fact my great grandpa had a tattoo of a pinup girl. he got it in the marines

[imaginebetterfutures]

I am officially a cited expert on the history of vaginal anatomy studies! Look mom! I did it!

Okay so here's the story. Way back in ye olde 2014 I was commissioned by The Sweethome (now Wirecutter) to review tampons. As part of my research for that review, I stumbled across some really fascinating old research on vaginal shapes. I wrote about that research for a group blog I used to be a part of, and about the weird little obsession I developed with some long lost research.

All I could really dig up was a set of studies done in the late 1990’s and early 2000’s by a woman named Paula Pendergrass. Pendergrass published a handful of studies about the shape of the vagina, which she measured by doing plaster casts of willing women. And what she described in her work was actually a set of different vagina shapes: the conical, the parallel sides, the heart, the pumpkin seed, and the least fortunately named slug.

But the thing that surprised me most was that after this one small set of studies by Pendergrass, that's it. There was nothing more. And it's not like Pendergrass had answered the question definitively, her work is full of ideas for how to better measure these shapes, and suggestions to collect more data. Why wasn't there anything else here? Why hadn't she continued this work? Why hadn't anybody asked more questions? I needed to know! So I managed to track her down and cold call her house in Arkansas (because journalists like me have no shame) to ask her why she stopped measuring vagina shapes.

Here's what I learned:

There’s no market for this data. Companies that manufacture vaginal products are looking only to confirm that things like tampons fit inside. They don’t care much about the specifics beyond that. But the big reason she highlighted was the one that made me both sad and angry. When she was doing the work, people were grossed out by it. “It’s off-putting to a lot of people, and I’ve had trouble with it since I started,” she said. “People who were embarrassed I was doing this, They said I was a a dirty old woman doing this.” A dirty old woman. For wanting to know the shape and size of the human vagina.

I wanted to chase this story further, but I could never sell it. In part because it's unclear if it matters clinically what the shape of someone's vaginal canal is. And yet... it's just so... INTERESTING!

But I let it go, after that blog post. (Well, that's not entirely true, I actually ordered a dental casting kit and had plans to cast my own vaginal canal using her study's instructions. But I never got around to it.)

FLASH FORWARD TO TODAY. And I get an email from a friend named Perrin Ireland who is apparently helping someone with a book about vaginas. Did I know that my blog was cited in a scientific journal, she asked? No! I DID NOT!!!

But here it is! Gender Bias in the Study of Genital Evolution: Females Continue to Receive Less Attention than Males, Integrative and Comparative Biology, Volume 62, Issue 3, September 2022, Pages 533–541. The author, Dara Orbach, writes:

When Pendergrass et al. (1996) demonstrated that human females have differently shaped vaginas, their findings were “offputting”, Pendergrass reported being called “a dirty old woman”, and gynecologists did not recognize the value of the research (Evelith, 2016). While a national research center exists in theUnited States ofAmerica for most major organ systems (e.g., National Eye Institute), female reproductive anatomy is categorized under the umbrella of the National Institute of Child Health and Human Development. The research environment and social taboos have historically and still continue to hinder scientific inquiry in the field of female genital evolution.

Is my name spelled incorrectly? Yes! Do I care? No!

But truly it's nice to know that even though I couldn't chase this story and really report it out fully, it seems to have made some dent on at least one person who is asking questions about why we don't know more about the internal anatomy of people with vaginas.

If you like this, you'll also enjoy reading the one about how I spent weeks trying to build a replica vaginal canal in my kitchen to test menstrual cups on.

[aphroditeslesbian]

hi

I was also raised 7th day Adventist and I’m a closeted lesbian. I don’t hate my religion..because I personally didn’t have a bad experience with it in my childhood, but it clashes a lot with my beliefs and well parts of my identity. I’m feeling a bit helpless because this religion has been a big part of my life, a lot of strong women I look up to in my life are sda, and my local sda community is very wholesome. And by now you can sense my reluctance in letting it go. I’ve been coping by thinking I should find a gay-friendly sda church once I move out.. if I ever get married. What’s your journey been like? 🪴

Hey! I don't meet a lot of sda online, it's interesting to hear a different perspective. I'm gonna go into everything, bc my experiences with sda really shaped me, and yeah, it's been a wild, not so fun ride.

Basically I was baptized catholic as an infant, but my family isn't practicing catholic. My mom is very religious, and wanted me to have a good education... In Brazil, we have very poor public education in primary and secondary school, and the best schools are the private ones... Which are also religious schools. So I wound up studying in a sda school from kindergarten to highschool graduation.

So from a young age (4 yo) I was raised on my school's religious beliefs. I was really involved, and my childhood best friend was also sda, she lived a couple floors down from me and we'd hang out often, and her family would bring me to church on Saturdays (there was a sda church across the street from the apartments we lived in). I was the staple Christian child, I prayed every night and every morning, apart from all the prayer at school ofc. At 8yo they did a talk at school about the importance of baptism, and I asked my parents to allow me to be baptized as sda. My mom surprisingly didn't want me to be baptized again, not so young, but my dad said I should do what I wanted, so I was baptized again at the school's church. Literally the school had an auditorium for our weekly religion-related classes, which we called "chapel", and was basically like going to church – but mandatory, as it was during school time. This specific school also had a church built on the side, so yeah.

During my early childhood through preteen years I had no issues with the school's teachings and sda ideology. It was all I had ever known, my family encouraged religion and we'd also sometimes (rarely) go to catholic church. I honestly didn't even realize people could not believe in god until I was 12/13.

I had never really heard much about being gay, or being anti gay during primary school - I may have forgotten having ever heard it from teachers. I only heard about homophobia from peers, and so I knew that being gay was a bad, evil, gross thing.

When I was around 11/12 we moved to a smaller town, and I started at a smaller Adventist school. I was the only one in my small newly found friend group who was baptized, and moving was very traumatic for me, so I started becoming less active in church. I became severely depressed because of the move and other stuff at home, and turned to the internet for a distraction.

I first heard about atheism from a youtuber, and he was known for his controversial takes (he's pretty nasty, it's only gotten worse with time but anyway). I guess a mixture of depression, becoming a teen, having my rebellious phase, I started researching into it.

My religion teacher (we had "religion" classes, but they should really have been called "7th Day Adventism classes") was much harsher than the one I had at my first school. This was around the time that Twilight was a big deal, and I read those books sooo many times for comfort, I got into Harry Potter etc. Not long after I moved to this school, we had a religion class about how Harry Potter was inspired by the devil. My books were often confiscated during class, even if I had already finished my assignments and was reading quietly, even if they were just on my desk. Being super depressed and introverted, with very few friends, books were my refuge. Having the teachers look down on them and literally say they were devilish and evil really started to shift my view of the religion. I knew these were good books, I loved them. So how could they be evil?

I have a very strong memory of praying and praying once and begging Jesus and god to help me, to give me a sign, because I was terrified of losing my religion, of losing god. All I had learned my whole life was that god is good, god is love etc. How come god wasn't helping me, my family, through some of the worst times? How come I was alone?

At around 12/13 my cousin came out to me as bi, and soon after another cousin came out as gay. I barely fully understood what that meant, and the internet was again where I researched about it. I realized I liked girls at the time, but I never understood you could even be married to a woman, as a woman. Even though I knew I liked and was attracted to girls, I never let myself think too much on it. The school was pretty obvious about how marriage is between a man and a woman, our "sex talk" was a class with our religion teacher. Bio talk was split, the boys left the room so we could learn about female anatomy and stuff, and then the boys had the room, etc. Our religious teacher was very adamant about how one shouldn't have sex before marriage, and marriage was between a man and a woman so...

Honestly the basework they laid was to erase homosexuality. I didn't even grasp that I could be anything but attracted to girls, I didn't realize I could do anything about it.

And then in highschool, I guess bc we were old enough, they finally started being outspoken about their hatred of gay people. There would be snide comments from the Portuguese/Lit teacher, a disgusting talk from the History teacher about how gay men's sexual activity leads to anal incontinence, the Religion teacher saying it was wrong, comparing it to criminality, the school's vice principal giving us a lecture and making sure to hammer in the worst thing anyone could turn out to be was homosexual.

At this point I thought I was okay with my same sex attraction, I thought these things weren't getting under my skin. But then I learned about being trans, and I came to the conclusion that since I was into girls, I couldn't be a woman. I identified as trans from around 15-19. That was internalized misogyny and homophobia, that was me actually letting all the snide little comments settle deep in me, and shape who I was.

Anyway, at around 14 I was done. School was teaching us that bastard kids aren't blessed by god (me and my siblings are all "bastards" as my parents were never married). They told us couples who lived together and we're never married were not blessed by god, and implied they were bound to have issues for their sin.

I was a teenager living in a broken home, my father was emotionally abusive to me and my mother, and honestly at the end of the day I had to choose if I wanted to believe in a god who was supposedly love itself, yet didn't protect me and my young siblings and my mom... Or not believe in god at all.

Leaving the church and coming to terms with not believing in god was one of the toughest times in my life. My depression was in the gutter, I was self harming, I was struggling. I remember thinking of my cousins, whom I was very close with growing up, and knowing they were good people, so how could god not love then? I remember thinking of myself, of all I had done for the church, for god, and wondering how could god not accept me.

For me, the church was poison. I only saw hypocrisy, I saw people who judged each other, who cared more about their own concepts of right and wrong than being mindful of others. I saw my teachers who preached being kind, but ridiculed and laughed at other religions and those who believed them. When I was questioning religion, I always had sooo many questions for my religion teacher and so often she just told me that some questions were too big for us to understand, that only god could fully comprehend himself.

I'm proud to have come out the other side, but I won't lie. The community that church represents does seem so lovely and welcoming. I wanted to be a part of something, and church offered that.

But at the end of the day, there's no space for me, a lesbian, in there. They don't believe gay marriage is okay, they don't condone our "lifestyle". They think this is a choice we're making, and a bad one at that.

The childhood friend I mentioned earlier, who I used to go to church with, actually came out as a lesbian a couple years ago as well. Her sda family is giving her a really hard time. She's left the church, last I heard.

Honestly, my advice would be to find other community. Find community with other lesbians, people who can accept you unconditionally, who can offer you support without small print. That's what I'm trying to do.

I personally am against christianity for a lot of other reasons besides my very negative experiences. Maybe that's not you, and in that case I guess finding a church that is LGB friendly can be the answer. I couldn't judge anyone for choosing to stay, because like I said I really understand how nice it can feel, how it's like you belong in this community, how it can feel like the church is family.

But I really suggest deep soulsearching, because in my experience all they ever did for me was suck all my energy, all my devotion, and spit me out when I was never going to be the heterosexual good girl they expected me to be.

Sorry for the super long answer, I hope this helps some? If you wanna talk more in private you can hit me up through DMs, I'm very willing to listen and talk about it.

[feralseraph]

I was talking to my friends about how our moms talked to us about puberty and our first periods. We all had some kind of talk from our moms about what was gonna happen either in detail or just a really quick mention. 

I remember my mom giving me a talk, I don’t remember a lot of what she said bc it was a long time ago, but I had like a kids encyclopedia game thing on the computer and I typed in menstrual (spelled wrong bc i was like 10) and that’s where I learned about it more. 

My friends and I all remember The Video that I think happens in most of the public schools in the US which is in 5th grade, they separate the boys and girls and the girls watch a video about female puberty and the boys watch one too. From the video, I remember very very basic anatomy, things about growing hair and wearing deodorant. And of course some things about periods. Then at the end we got little bags with sample size deodorant, pads and some other stuff. I had the talk with my mom and the encyclopedia knowledge before the video, but some girls truly had no idea about what was discussed in the video and our teacher spoke with all the girls to explain how to put pads in the underwear because no one had told them.

All of this to say, I think a lot of young girls feel very disconnected from their bodies because they get totally caught off guard by puberty and the effects of the disconnection manifest in a lot of different ways as they get older. Of course I think it’s good to have detailed an open discussion with girls about puberty, especially from a woman in their family, but to talk about it positively. It’s intimidating for a young girl to hear that growing breasts and having a period “makes her a woman” at the tender age of 11, but frame it in a way that it’s a natural process and it’s a different phase in her life but it’s not something so be afraid of, you know. 

Because the way my mom talked to me was very clinical, then I read about it in an encyclopedia (well, the weird computer voice read it to me) and then the video in class. Which isn’t necessarily bad and maybe it’s just the radfem jumping out, but that’s why I like period art and art about the female reproductive system because it makes women’s bodies and natural processes not so taboo or something to be hidden because it’s supposedly gross. It would be so beneficial to teach young girls to take pride in their bodies and celebrate all the changes that happen.

[ruoxin]

Hello everyone!!

I noticed that I gained a lot of new followers recently, and I realized I haven’t really made a post introducing myself like ever lol so I brain dumped 50 random facts about me and hopefully you guys know me better! ^-^

My name is Angela, but I also go by Ang/Angie/Leighann

I’m currently 22! I was born in 1997 (Chinese zodiac is year of the Rat since I was born before the Lunar New Year)

i’m quite short at 4′11″

My Myers-Briggs is INFJ

For those into Astrology: Aquarius sun, Sagittarius moon, Cancer rising

I just graduated last month from UCSB as a psych major with a minor in English literature!

Born and raised in the Bay Area ❤ Hoping to live in SF someday!

I’m ethnically Chinese/Dutch, but both my parents are from Taiwan

I have a HUGE birthmark from my ankle to my thigh (it’s insane haha but it faded a lot throughout the years)

I have 8 piercings! All in my ears (6 lobes, 1 tragus, 1 helix)

Only countries I been to: U.S., Mexico, China, Taiwan. Top of my bucket list include: Iceland, Santorini, Japan, South Korea!

I guess I’m bi? Still figuring it out tbh. But guys my type include: Doctor Mike, Andre Hamann, Nick Bateman. girls my type: Hyoyeon, Seulgi, Maggie Q, Lucy Liu

My fav (American) TV shows are: OITNB, Grey’s Anatomy, Burn Notice, and FRIENDS

My fav kdramas are: Encounter, City Hunter,  IRIS, Legend of the Blue Sea

My fav movie is Breakfast at TIffany’s

I listen to a lot of indie/alternative (Foster the People, Lana Del Rey, Naked and Famous, Mumford & Sons), kpop (right now loving Red Velvet, SNSD and Gfriend), and classic 60s - 80s (Beatles, Motown, Frank Sinatra, etc.)

I got into kpop in 2009 but stopped listening around 2013-2016 and started again in 2017. My ult kpop group is pROoOBably SNSD and my (ult) bias is Hyoyeon ❤ PLEASE STAN HER AND LISTEN TO HER NEW SINGLE BADSTER WHEN IT COMES OUT JULY 20 6PM KST!!

I was raised Catholic but now I am spiritual but not religious. I believe in constantly working on becoming a better person and doing good.

My fav colors are: black, white, most shades of light pink, turquoise (or TIffany blue), and recently I’ve been obsessed with yellow! I can’t pick a single one!

My favorite time of day is prob dawn but I haven’t been awake for it in years lol. I do love twilight too because it gives me a weird nostalgic feeling

I speak English and proficient-fluent Mandarin (I prob can’t have a deep conversation about economics or politics or something lol but I grew up speaking it with my parents 24/7). I also took 4 years of Japanese in high school (but i prob forgot most of it welp). I’m going to relearn Japanese/Mandarin and hopefully start learning Korean sometime in the near future! I know the alphabet and some basics from my countless of hours watching kdramas lol

If you’re one of my female friends, I will melt if you call me these: angel, sweetie, beautiful, babe, hun, etc!!

I try to avoid mainstream things that are talked about too much because I really believe that things are overhyped and people can lose their identity by liking things just because other people are. (no hate, but e.g. BTS, Ariana Grande, Game of Thrones, Beyonce).

I LOVEEE receiving and giving handwritten letters

Speaking of, I change my handwriting every few years since I haven’t really found one that stuck yet and I have like 5 different types of handwriting from all caps to very neat print to almost calligraphy-like cursive

Games I play(ed): Pokemon (Silver, Leafgreen, Emerald, Ultra Sun, Alpha Sapphire, and Pokemon Go lol), Animal Crossing (Wild World, New Leaf, Pocket Camp). I also did my fair share of League but stopped before it consumed my life with toxicity. I was a support main who used Nami, Janna, and Thresh!

27 is my favorite number but I really do not know why lmao

My guilty pleasure song is Britney Spears - Toxic and I still haven’t gotten sick of it. Some favorite songs of all time are prob: Aretha Franklin - Day Dreaming, Tears for Fears - Everybody Wants to Rule the World, SNSD - Gee, SNSD - Genie, Amy Winehouse - Valerie

My best subject at school was English and I received an academic excellence award at the end of my junior year out of all the juniors in my grade in American Lit

When I was younger, my first dream job was an artist. then I watched Grey’s and wanted to be a cardiothoracic surgeon. Other dream jobs I had for brief moments: makeup artist, fashion designer, motivational speaker. Now I’m hoping to go to grad school to be an MFT/LPCC!

I love black cats and german shepherds! But I’m more of a cat person

If I could travel back in time I would want to live in 60′s New York or the 90′s.

Biggest turn on: someone who can hold a deep and intellectual conversation with me about meaningful subjects! Biggest turn off: someone who is extremely vapid and has no ambition whatsoever

My fav season is autumn!

The perfume I use is Marc Jacobs Daisy but I think I want to change to Versace Bright Crystal after I finish

I have perfect vision!

I did track during my prime teenage days (long jumper!) and my fastest mile was 7:20. I haven’t ran for years after that and I just started again 7 years later around this March, and I improved from around a 10 min mile in the beginning to my recent fastest at 8:09! I am hoping to get back in the ~7 mins

I also did a little bit of swim team, and I can swim all four strokes (free, back, breast, butterfly) but I mainly raced freestyle and butterfly!

I am literally the least picky eater you will ever meet. Take me to any restaurant and I wouldn’t complain. I also have a decently high tolerance for spicy things. The only food that I ever really tried and disliked is liver and the one thing that I probably wouldn’t ever try is something way out there like snail or scorpion lol

Speaking of food, I love food on the heavier side and tend to over season and over-sauce my foods lol. I love onion, ketchup, ranch, black pepper, soy sauce, korean chili spice (what they use for kimchi)

I can crack all my toes at will (it grosses everyone out xD)

My favorite book of all time is East of Eden by John Steinbeck ❤

My super power of choice if I had one would probably be invisibility

I played piano for 6 years in my childhood and I can still read notes, but veeery slowly lol

I’m kind of VERY unhealthily obsessed with (Japanese) stationery. Moleskine journals, Uni alpha gel, Pilot Dr. Grip, Zebra Mildliners, Staedler Triplus fineliners, Sakura Microns, Uni-ball signo, Pilot Hi-tec-c... yeah... i have all of those and more... yiKEs

My fav holiday is Christmas. I love holiday spirit and Sleigh Ride (I only accept the Ella Fitzgerald version) is literally such a good song??

My favorite non alcoholic drink is prob earl grey boba tea. fav alcoholic drink is whiskey!

I do not have any tattoos, but the top two I am planning are: “♒” behind my left ear, and “英” behind my neck (my mom’s Chinese name, but it also means brave/hero/outstanding person)

city > countryside

How I would describe my fashion style: tomboy, casual, chic, comfortable

[sexeducationsurveys-blog]

Nevada, United States

Interviewee Demographics

Gender:                               Female

Age:                                       Over 21 and less than 90; alternatively, old enough to know better

Marital Status:                  Married on paper; WINO (Wife In Name Only)

Race/Ethnicity:                  Caucasian

General Location:             Las Vegas, Nevada

 1.       What area did you grow up in and did that have an impact on your sexual education?

I was born in Nebraska, but moved to Las Vegas, Nevada for second grade, and have lived here since.

I don’t believe my Midwestern birth had anything to do with my level of sexual education or my beliefs (my parents were not from the area, I left before any of the social mores could be ingrained), but I strongly believe that enduring decades of the Clark County School District’s abysmal excuse for sex ed (starting during the AIDS onslaught, no less!) profoundly shaped my views.

Some people might claim that growing up in Sin City affected my values, but, if anything, I am more conservative/prudish than some people from rural/not-so-sexually-advertised areas. Since I was always exposed to Crazy Girls ads and such from a young age, I grew to ignore them.

2.       What were your family’s beliefs regarding sex?

Polar opposites: sex basically didn’t exist and was never talked about  .  .  . except for catcalls and lewd remarks when some hot broad appeared on the TV, or vague whispered censure or loud guffawing when somebody in the news got pregnant.

Sex was NEVER mentioned, nor was puberty or any form of human development; in fact, I had absolutely no idea what menstruation was until my menarche happened at the age of 7.

I had to investigate the phenomenon on my own (and with no Internet), since the extent of my mother’s involvement was to pull me into her bedroom, close and lock the bedroom door dramatically, back me into the door, put her hands on my shoulders, then demand, “Has anybody been messing with you?!”

Cue clueless-yet-terrified-and-stammering-response.

My mother was in utter denial of the idea that I could be menstruating and continued with that approach for at least five years; after all, only teenagers went through that, and no one ever talked about it.

We were never told about male and female anatomy, either; I guess we were just supposed to figure that out from all of the (sometimes) veiled comments that (mostly) the males in the house made.

Here’s something that will date me: I clearly remember watching The Blue Lagoon on HBO with my father in the room (and he was making crude remarks about Brooke Shields) when the pond/swimming scene came on.  I, being unable to see the screen much in the dark room, asked my father what was going on.  He refused to answer, got offended and just shut up.  I had to figure it out for myself.

You should conclude that parts of the rest of that movie didn’t go over too well, either, and that I didn’t exactly try to watch ANY movies with my father after that.

I learned from several different sources (often from exchanges during arguments or from filed paperwork) that my mother had had a hysterectomy after I was born, ostensibly so she wouldn’t have any more children.  My father almost constantly referred to my mother as “being on the rag” when she was being disagreeable or would not do what he wanted, and he would tell her during almost every argument (when he wasn’t dumping a pot of hot spaghetti water on her head) that she should “shove your rag in your mouth” to gross her out and shut her up.

There was a very definite gender divide, and the level of misogyny was incalculable.

While not strictly related to sex, the following anecdote is related to gender and sexual expectations. I had a sister who was 11 years older than I was; she had just started college when I was 7.  My parents did not want her to go to school, even though she had excellent grades and seemed reasonably intelligent, so they dissuaded her in every way they could think of (e.g., they didn’t pay for her to go, she had to have at least one job to pay her own way, they refused to fill out scholarship or other aid forms, they made her pay significant rent, she never had a car and had to pay to take a bus three hours each way to school, they berated her whenever possible, etc. ) The only reason they eventually “permitted” her to go was because a relative told them that my sister would have a much better chance of catching a husband if she had a year or two of college under her belt, and given her looks, she really needed the help.

Hyeah.

Of course, she was told to avoid all young men for any reason, though, because she’d get a reputation. As what, I was never told.

The boys, on the other hand, were encouraged to do anything or anyone they wanted (as long as it was a female), including the 30-ish bar singer who apparently gave my teenage brother (why the hell was he in a bar???) some form of VD.

Males (married, somewhat less so) could “play around” (or at least leer) at will, but girls (especially wives) could not; bad things (like pregnancy or death) happened to bad girls, and listening to raunchy songs or reading dirty books was bad.

For girls.  Your father having “nudy” magazines is just fine, because, you know, we never talk about those, and, no, that wasn’t a violent screaming match you heard when your mother found your brother’s porn stash and he objected.

I clearly remember an incident with my mother yelling and then muttering at me while Tina Turner’s What’s Love Got to Do With It? was on the radio. She was incensed at me for listening to that trash, as it advocated women having sex without love/women having casual sexual relationships/a woman refusing a man’s honorable advances.  I pointed out to her that the lyrics actually were about a woman in denial that she was deeply in love, trying to convince herself that it was just a physical thing, when it clearly meant a great deal more. Mom didn’t care.

In general, no information about sex, girls do not have sex before marriage but must somehow lure husbands without getting a reputation and then they dutifully have sex as their procreational duty while the husbands’ eyes and other parts wander, and mothers do not talk to their daughters or interfere with their sons.

3.       What are your current family’s beliefs on sex?

Wow, there’s no single or suitable answer for that, particularly as the question is phrased. Do you mean, a) the family that consisted of my husband, me, and our children, at the present time, or, b) what values did my husband and I have or do we have now, or c) what did we, as parents, try to do to educate our children about, or d) did my birth family’s beliefs change?  I think you actually ask parts of those questions later, so I’ll answer them there.

4.       How would you describe your personal stance on sex or sex education?

What are you trying to ask?

I do not personally desire or need to have sex.  I don’t see people as sexually attractive to me personally, although I can appreciate their allure objectively, for others.  My greatest desire is for sleep, and that’s not sexual in nature; if you want something I seem to have an almost-sexual desire for, I’d say a yarn hoard or a mantled black leather Inverness coat (don’t ask for further details, trust me).

I believe that sex should not normally be a casual act; there should be a positive relationship first, and that no one should ever feel forced into it.  There should be open communication and consent by all involved. All parties should be of the legal age of consent, all should use appropriate methods of birth control and disease prevention, no one should be permanently physically damaged, and no animals should be involved, unless they are stuffed versions or Furries, I guess – other than those requirements, I’m pretty laissez faire: what consenting adults or similar do in private quarters without harming anyone is fine by me.

5.       Are you a parent or guardian? If so, how many children do you have?

Yes, I have four or five children, depending on if you count the husband.

To somewhat answer a possible question from above: my husband really had no involvement with the sexual education of our children, unless you count them laughing or screaming when they saw him naked.  Everything was left to me, as, beyond his family’s and his personal discomfort with sexual topics, my husband saw it as not his business to educate four daughters about girl things.

Anecdote about husband’s sexual education: He did not know what the word “virgin” meant until he was 15. And his parents were Catholic. Think about that.

Second anecdote about husband’s sexual education: He “attended” me (that’s a VERY generous term) during the birth of my fourth daughter.  An elder girl (also present) and I clearly remember him saying, “There’s something coming out . . . but it’s not a baby!”  To this day, the sibling remarks that a father of four of his age should have at least known the different orifices by then.

6.       What kind of area do you currently live in and how has it affected access to your or your children’s sexual education? Are there any specific limitations preventing you from getting the sex education you or your children need?

I live in Las Vegas, Nevada, which means that the Clark County School District’s personnel (all of whom have different opinions/excuses) are supposedly in charge of formal sex ed.

These people have done their damnedest to block all attempts at education, in all areas, but especially anything regarding sex.  See some of the most notable anecdotes below.

7.       Do you believe anything in media shaped your children’s perspectives about sex, gender roles, or body image?

I can’t point to anything specific that had an overwhelming affect in itself, but the widespread use of internet and social media sites in the past decade has really changed what is available, both information and disinformation.

Regarding the CCSD: there was a national news story about a local biddy who didn’t want students to learn anything about sex in their sex ed course, because they should either go to their parents or learn about it online. Great logical response, there.

8.       Do you believe your children are in any way influenced or affected by politics concerning, sex, gender, or body image? If so, what concerns might you have?

I feel that it is very important for all people, but especially females, to be aware of the political and practical ramifications of what is going on, locally, nationally, and globally.

I’ve always tried to have my children see more than one viewpoint on major issues, usually by discussing current events with them and/or making them read online and print stories from sources with different agendas/biases. They could then form their own opinions, which don’t necessarily have to (publicly or privately) agree with mine.

The conflicting images of beauty, morality, gender roles, stereotypes, and many other issues are being brought up as the United States struggles through the Trump Period.  I could write a tome on issues from the last year, but those wouldn’t all be associated with sex ed.

9.       How old do you believe a person should be when they begin their sex education?

That depends on what you define as sex education (maybe you should have asked that or defined what you mean by “sexual education” or “comprehensive sexual education,” so you and the respondents could frame/classify the answers better).

Babies in utero, particularly boys, experience sex education without any intervention at all.

If you want to ask about what point after birth people should start sex education,  consider that everyone gets some sex education from supposedly unrelated topics and from all of the sources around them, including media, spoken words, family attitudes (many times, what is NOT said is more powerful than wat IS said), religion, clothing, housing, everything around them.

I believe that relatives should begin the basics when or even before a child is capable of understanding the terms/concepts (and these may not involve written words at all).  You don’t need to go into excessive detail, but even toddlers can see that diapers or PullUps (indeed, probably everything around them!) are gender-segregated (why?) or that there are parts of their bodies that are acceptably viewed in public or can be touched by other people, and others that are not (e.g., “Do NOT strip in the McDonald’s PlayPlace tube maze!!!”)  The idea of self-respect and consent can be absorbed without mentioning sexual intercourse, religion, morality, or disease.  Proper anatomical terms should be used from the beginning; even though family members may use nicknames in private, they should know the real terms, and not be made to think that they are intrinsically dirty.

I think that the biological and at least legal aspects of sex (since some people get up-in-arms about anyone other than parents teaching morality) need to be taught in schools/semi-neutral ground, particularly since many parents have no idea what they’re talking (or not!) about.

The actual SEX education can also be absorbed from everyday lessons, and this is where the family’s values come in, for better or worse.

Sex is a biological process that should be explained like any other; why would you factually-but-simply explain to a toddler with a skinned knee what blood is and why a cut bleeds, but not mention to a tween girl why (and from where else) she might bleed, or make that natural process seem mysterious and shameful? Should sex be something anyone should have whenever they want, or should the topic of sex and even the entire body and face of females be covered, lest they tempt men?  Well, if you’re going to advocate the latter, then at least inform BOTH genders about the biological facts, THEN add on your values, and tell children WHY you believe that.

As for terminology: I wouldn’t try to explain to a toddler about estrogen and the menstrual cycle or why human chorionic gonadotrophin is important, but I would use age-appropriate language to explain what is happening to their elder sisters or mother and why most of the sixth-grade boys are shorter than girls and tend to carry their books in front of them.

Many of the modern physical/psychological problems of adolescence could be cleared up with a little open, honest communication, and that habit should have started at birth.

10.   Have you, a family member, or a friend broached sexual education to a member of the younger generation? If so, what methods did you use and what was the person’s reaction?

As mentioned, my husband wanted nothing to do with the topic, which was probably for the best, as his giving any explanations probably would have scarred my daughters more.

I tried different approaches, with varying success, for my four daughters.  I don’t think anything really worked, and they’re all going to end up learning (if at all) on their own.

Since I endured menarche at 7 and puberty in a house which shunned information, with no forewarning and no assistance, I was determined that would not happen to my children.  All of them knew the basics of what was going to happen to them before they were 7.

I used books, videos, personal stories, and even trips through the grocery store.  Daily life is an opportunity to learn, and learning should not occur in only one location.

The elder two were within two years of each other, so I basically went through the semi-formal information/lessons once or more with them.  They were generally disinterested and probably don’t remember much, but it was apparently significantly more informative than anything the CCSD provided.

For the younger girls, who were within three years of each other but years separated from the elders, I was more concerned with the problems of the elder girls and was more lazy about the subject; it was easier to get books and internet sources for them, and they grew up hearing the lessons the elder ones endured, so their knowledge was more from osmosis and self-taught than lectured.

Depending on the topic and the mood, the girls could be deathly bored or start screaming for brain bleach.  It depends on how you present the subject.  Humor helps.

11.   If you, or someone else, has provided a sex education to your children, how do you believe it has affected them?

See brain bleach note above.

I think the factual presentation of information, integrated throughout daily life and through ad hoc and specific lessons, has made my daughters generally blasé about sex, which could be good or bad.  They still have adolescent worries (which is bad, considering two of them are now old enough to see Thunder from Down Under), but the mystery (the bad/addictive kind) is not so alluring.

Then again, I had my eldest read some “romance” novels when she was 14, to counteract a popular teen book series of the time, so she now has some very weird ideas about male vampires.  And other things.  I think I’m more worried than she is.

12.   Do you believe that comprehensive sex education should be taught in schools? If so, who or what kind of person do you believe would be most qualified?

“Comprehensive” means very different things to different people.

The biological and legal aspects, consent, physical and emotional protection, yes, those are the absolute minimum that should be taught, as any other biological or civics subjects needed to be a functioning adult should be.

Different viewpoints, different attitudes, LGBT+ issues, absolutely.

The problem is, HOW comprehensive do you mean, and when?

What I’ve just mentioned is far beyond what the vocal people in this area would accept, particularly for elementary school children.

A school nurse, a health teacher, or someone with factual knowledge (not the long-term sub who’s supposedly teaching English but says “aks” all the time) would best be qualified, but the CCSD requires “qualification” now to teach middle school sex ed, and the local teacher has no clue what he’s doing and keeps being absent for the lectures on sex, so …

13.   If your child attends a public, private, or charter school that provides a sexual education, what has your and their experience been like with the institution(s) involved?

I could genuinely write a book on this topic.

In general, the CCSD does not want students to learn, they want them to proceed through 13 years of cattle-car daycare, and they sure as Hell don’t want them to learn anything about sex.  Even mentioning the topic obliquely results in pregnant (ha!) pauses, political stammering, stonewalling, and denial.

Some of the more notable anecdotes:

My CCSD sex ed experiences began in the middle school PE orientation, when the gym teacher stage-whispered in front of the whole gym (with the boys in the next bleacher section) about what to do when we were “being M” (dramatic pause, eyes skittering about) and how to get out of the required showers in that case.   Of course, she couldn’t explain what she meant, because the boys might hear.  ???

Tenth grade health required ONE DAY (one class period, less than one hour) to be on sex ed.  It was “taught” by an assistant football coach/driver ed coach with no degree or even formal training on the subject; he also didn’t speak English well.  He was clearly uncomfortable and couldn’t even pronounce medical terms; he resorted to (incorrectly) using slang, and ended up telling us to read the photocopied information for ourselves.  I missed one question on the test, even though I had to wade through factual errors and slang on the test to guess what the answers were supposed to be, because I didn’t know the street number of the address of the Health District VD Testing Office on Shadow Lane.  Yup, that’s what was emphasized.  And we STILL weren’t told what sex was; we were in tenth grade, didn’t we know already??

In my senior year, all of the seniors (because, of course, younger students weren’t having sex!) were required to endure a day-long seminar on HIV/AIDS/VD.  However, anyone who was 18 or over, or anyone whose parent objected, could get the day off. As I was the first person in the State of Nevada to be emancipated from my parents, I signed myself out of the class, and purposely walked by the window-walled classroom and waved at the miserable occupants.

First daughter: Near the end of 5th Grade, for weeks, she was morose, depressed, closed down.  I finally pulled her aside and asked what the problem was. At length, she told me about how she heard (only parts of the lecture, as it was almost whispered by the school nurse, and no one could hear anything) that she would suddenly start bleeding when she got to 6th Grade, and she would have to wear a badge on her pants to tell everyone.  No one explained why she would be bleeding, or why she’d have to tell everyone, or what she would have to do; she was terrified and confused.  When I explained that she had probably heard “pad” instead of “badge”, and I reminded her about the menstrual cycle, she looked up, shocked, and asked, “Why couldn’t they just have used the words you’ve been telling me for years?  Why make such a big deal out of it, keep it a secret?”

She was supposed to have comprehensive sex ed in 8th Grade Health, mandated to be taught by a state-certified teacher.  The teacher was notably absent four times that year – all on the scheduled days the sex ed curriculum was supposed to have been taught (and it was only one day long!)  He always left the substitute teacher with dittoes on other topics, with replicative fade and factual and spelling errors; the sex talk was never given.

I was the only parent in a high school of 2500 students to ask to see the sex ed materials before the material was given to my child.  I was impressed that the nurse had a breast self-exam fake chest, but dismayed that it was kept away from boys and not used in the class (hey, if the girls are squeamish about examining themselves, the boys aren’t; teach them!  And, yes, men do get breast cancer).  The textbook never mentioned sex or how sperm met egg, yet the photocopied packets for class had pictures of opened-to-camera diseased crotches that so grossed out students that I guess the abstinence-only approach was somewhat successful – for a few minutes.  They sickened and scarred my daughter.

On the first day of one health class, my daughter was told that, since the students were in high school, they all knew what sex was, so the teacher wouldn’t have to go over that.

Funny thing was, the girls started whispering and chatting when the topic of the age of consent came up – they had no idea there was a minimum legal age, what consent was, or even that they could say no.

Second daughter:  Online health course also never mentioned sex, but at least didn’t have diseased pictures; however, it focused on shaming those who had sex, and the main topic/project was about the costs of having a baby/setting up a nursery (without mentioning how the baby was made), probably as a deterrent.  There was also no discussion of breastfeeding, and the project made some extremely outdated and dangerous assumptions.

Third daughter:  In her 5th Grade, I was the only parent who asked to see the corporation-sponsored videos being shown; I was questioned about why I would possibly want to see the boys’ or combined-gender versions of the films, as my daughter would never see them.

The volunteers who photocopied the gender-limited, color-coded (pink = girl, blue = boy) information packets switched the information, so girls took home advice that they should wash their scrotum every day.  I still want to know what the boys got.  Principal unhappy.

She wanted to take the high school health class early, but, after over six months of delay and excuses and numerous rounds of phone tag, I was given the (not written anywhere) rule that students can’t take the class early, and that, despite her previous high school credits and interactions with high school and college students, the class was not suitable for someone her age.  After all, she might get into a chat with an older teenager, and discuss some adult themes.  How dare she!

Fourth daughter:  5th Grade highlight was a video/animation about how HIV was rolling onto a beach from the ocean, and the lifeguards were T-cells.  The video never mentioned how a person gets HIV, how to prevent it, nothing that stuck, at least – everyone was just staring at the cartoons.  There was also a video with something about some part of the body called an ovary, that it was the size of some nut, and it did something, but the girls weren’t taught what or why.  Sex and reproduction were never mentioned.  However, they did get the corporate pack of pads/supplies from Always, and that had a pamphlet.

She was thrilled to learn that 6th Grade biology had a module on sexual vs. asexual reproduction, but was again disappointed that the unit never mentioned what sex was or what the sex cells were or what that had to do with reproduction.

The stonewalling continued with this child, with the principal of Nevada Learning Academy/Virtual High School claiming that it was inappropriate for my daughter to take Health early, for various excuses that lasted for months, and finally culminated in the excuse that the class talked about human trafficking, which was inappropriate for a 10-year-old girl.  Funny, the local media ran a story THAT week about an 11-year-old girl being forced to prostitute herself on the streets – why would you NOT want a 10-year-old to know about human trafficking, and how to avoid it??? I also talked about the lessons I’d given her on female genital mutilation, circumcision, birth control, and abortion, but that was irrelevant, as was the fact that I had signed the permission form – the principal was personally uncomfortable with those topics and the political ramifications of letting my daughter into the class, so my daughter couldn’t hear about them.

Meanwhile, she has two college-aged sisters taking sex-related courses, a 14-year old sister exploring her sexuality/orientation, and a mother who lets her read anything she can comprehend, which, since her reading level is Level 13/College and Career, is pretty much anything she wants.  We’re considering having her bring in the PBH 429 textbook (Public Health 429, a senior-level course on Education for Human Sexuality) to her reading class, just for fun.

14.   If there was anything you would like to add or remove to your children’s sex education, what would it, or they, be?

I would have wanted to add a great deal more information, but life got in the way.

I will never feel that I did an adequate job, but I hope that my daughters continue to learn and be open to learning, rather than ignoring the world and living in their own little bubbles, however permeable they are.

15.   BONUS QUESTION: Is there anything else you would like to add or address about sex education or on this interview?

You really need to learn how to better construct a survey or a list of interview questions.  It would be helpful to have at least demographic questions and topic/project information at the beginning, along with a very neutral explanation of what the project is about and what the information will be used for (keep in mind that how you phrase that could heavily skew respondents’ answers).  The type and composition of your questions results in confusion, repetition, omission, and frustration.  I was reminded of several things I would have liked to mention that were extremely on-topic (to what I THOUGHT, before I got the questions, the topic was supposed to be), but I was never asked about them, and I forgot about them as I went on. The topics of the questions do not proceed logically.  There was a major emphasis on being a parent, making most of the questions irrelevant to those without children.  If this was even a semi-formal project, with more than a few respondents or a need to tabulate or classify results, these questions would be unusable, unless all of your respondents added in responses about the same issues without communicating with each other.  You could have chosen to include ranged-answer or other types of questions to help make the answers more usable (e.g., “At what age did you have your first formal sex ed course/session in a school (if any)?)  Overall, EVERY question needs to be reworked for this to be usable as anything other than very initial social research.

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[mak62184]

My Story

As I mentioned a few days ago, I want to start writing down my thoughts about asexuality.  So, I’m thinking maybe I’ll write something about once a week.  Today I will write about my coming out story.

Growing up, I did not know much about sexuality. Like I was aware of straight couples, obviously. But, nobody really spoke about anything else. Except when I was 12, one of my sisters cruelly tried to convince me I was a lesbian because I had posters of Mariah Carey and figure skaters on my bedroom walls. And also listened to singers such as Celine Dion and LeAnn Rimes. I thought I was interested in guys, but I think now it was because it was expected. I mean, I found guys interesting, but I think I was lying to myself about how attracted I really was. Especially now because I’m pretty sure I was also checking out girls. But, it was different. Like I didn’t want to date anyone. I would just think to myself, “She seems nice. I want to be her friend.” I mean, I didn’t know 90% of them. I would just see them and want to get to know them. And obviously never did. I also never told anyone of any of this because I get the feeling I would get made fun of or shunned.  

I didn’t really start exploring my sexuality until my late 20′s. I’m 32 now.  Nothing ever came up before that. It was actually watching Grey’s Anatomy that had me exploring it more. Like Callie Torres, my all time favorite character, came out as bisexual in the show. Her portrayer, Sara Ramirez, had me questioning myself a little. Again, I kind of checked out girls and guys a bit, but never wanting anything serious.  In 2012, I came out to myself as bisexual. I never told family or friends because I knew my sisters found that lifestyle gross. I kept it to myself.

I forget when I learned of asexuality.  I remember hearing it on the news though. I think I was in college, but I’m not positive.  I remember hoping it wouldn’t be me because everyone has sex or wants to have it, at least I told myself that. I was a virgin and figured I would eventually meet the right person to do it with. However, that never happened. I think it was 2015 when I realized I honestly have no interest in sex. I’m not repulsed seeing some in movies or tv. And not repulsed by others doing it. But for me, I can’t picture myself ever wanting it. And I think that’s what my female and male crushes are about. I know these are attractive and pleasing people. But, that’s all I want, if I ever meet someone who wants to date an asexual.  Or I find the person I want a romantic relationship with. 

It’s kind of interesting how the signs were there all along.  When I would read or write fanfiction, I always skipped the sex. I think I wrote a few sex scenes in my time writing it, but not really for my pleasure.  I was okay just reading things and being like “And they had sex and it was great, lets move  onto the next part.” Seriously, I like cats, bunnies, and food so much more. 

I came to the conclusion that I was biromatic asexual in 2015. Again, I didn’t tell anyone except for posting little bits on twitter. I also started to wear a black ring on my right middle finger. Nobody ever noticed or asked about it. I ended up coming out to my mom in June of 2016. We were having a fight about something really stupid, so I blurted it out. I think part of me hoped it hurt her. But, it didn’t. We talked a little about it. And I told my dad a few days later.  This was an interesting time because it happened right before the Orlando nightclub shooting.  Like it happened about 30 or so hours after our fight. But, coming out was helpful to my mom because me coming out helped her understand the issue of gun control a little more or why things like that were so important to me. She was afraid something like that could happen to me. 

I finally just let the whole world know 4 months later.  Sara Ramirez came out as bisexual and I remember being so impressed with her confidence and thought I could be brave if she was.  So, I posted to Facebook with no responses from anyone.  But, it felt really good just being myself and not worrying about it anymore. I realize now that my happiness should come first before anyone else. I look forward to sharing more about my journey.