#my mom is really the only parent i have and im afraid to lose her just as much even if she doesnt fully understand me

[thornedswan]

-

[mooneggtarts]

Okay what I think about Alastor's mother and both her and Alastor's dynamic that affect him in general (PERSONAL HC)

Now, Alastor's mother; I don't think she's a shit mom, but I also don't think she's a "perfect angel" mom either. She's a mother with a lot of flaws of her own, either from her husband, the society's view in people of color, the year era they live in, or other things.

My thought is that she probably killed her husband when Al was in an age where he doesn't even remember his father's face, but remembers clearly of what his mother did to his dad. And she definitely tries to tell him that what she did was wrong and should not be put as an example.

("Why did you do it if it's wrong then?" "I... because I..have..to... your father isn't a good person sweetheart" kinda thing)

His father *could* actually be bad, which drove his mom to the point of murder, remember the *red* on his mother's hands and on the body laying motionless behind her. (For a moment, Al thinks that red might be his fav color)

Because again, where does Al's sudden murderous tendency come from? I kinda suddenly thought how "your parents are your first teachers" and stuck with that. There COULD be a possibility that she does it to protect him, amongst other things. But it has been stuck in my head for a while.

Having only interact and living his childhood mostly with his mother made him a gentleman and easily/perferably befriended the ladies.

Now about his bitterness towards men, well, I don't think he's *that* bitter with them, considering we knew that he and Vox *used* to hangout before things went south, not to mention his respect towards Zestial. I don't think he knows how to even get along *well* or be comfortable with most males considering, again, his mother being the only figure in his life thing, And well, most of the male cast seem to not really like him, or like him *too* much, or generally doesn't make a good first impression. 

Though I don't think it stems mainly on how his mother killed his father in either defense or resentment of how awful his father had treated her. But I suppose it does involve in some way.

Anyways, I don't think Al's mom really pay any attention to Al's struggle and mostly perhaps told him to just "suck it up" kinda deal during his childhood (Im projecting so hard in this). Cause I think, with him being a mixed, in the 19's on south? Definitely would experience some bullying or being pushed away by another group, kids nonetheless.

Even when Al got home with scars and bruises, his mom would just told him not to fight back, to just take it, cause if he fought back then he'll only make the situation worse, and told him to just endure it and wait, that one day things will get more bearable and perhaps something would change into his favor. Not wanting her son to turn violent like his father, and taint his hands red like her's. Not wanting him to change.

(I have a feeling that the more he grown, the more he feel how.. wrong it is? A slight feel of uneasiness. The feeling of captivation, The way he felt he was held back whenever his mother lovingly embrace him (as if not willing to see him change or grow, afraid of the unknown to who will he became, not ready to lose him if he did, cause she had lost the man she once thought would love her))

I also believe she has that mindset where "big boys don't cry" or "boys are suppose to be strong", which could largely explain Al to have a hard time in expressing his emotions and bottling or repressing them seem like the easier way (which, ofc, led to him unmanaged to properly expressing his emotions- and would be quiet defensive with it). And explained as to why he roughs up the male casts more than the females cause by his view, again, guys could handle a bit of a rough-housing better.

And so for years he had kept his mother's advice, enduring and just let them do whatever they want with him, bearing the loneliness, bottling up his frustration and sadness, forcing himself to keep on standing tall upfront.

But things changed after his mother's death. Things are more confusing for him.

Cause he can recall the pain- he *felt* the grief, the moment when he saw her finally kicked the bucket, but suddenly it's different when it was her funeral.

For some reason he felt numb- detached, for lack of better word. Which I suppose what bothers and confuses him. For how quick he got over her- DID he got over her? He's not sure, he deeply cared and respect her for taking great care of him for years, but he isn't *suppose* to move on so quick yes?

I think that's a whole worth of spiralling breakdown of questioning himself that will never gain an answer of.

Then the house are too empty and too big for him, the first time living without the presence of his mother. Somehow, it felt both uncomfortable and... relief?

Guilt settles in afterward. Somehow everything seems a lot more suffocating than how things are when she's still with him. Like hoping that her lingering shadow of a presence would accompany him, but he doesn't want it to be near him.

I think he'd shut down those kinds of thoughts, cause it disturbs his daily living, and do what he was best at. Repressing everything, ignore them. And just go on with his life pretending to be unbothered.

It bothers him because, he believes he cares for his mother. Loved her even. But there is a part at the back of his mind where he felt... free. Like nothing was holding him back anymore. And thats what bothers him. And I guess at some point, he feels like an ungrateful kid. Cause his mother has done nothing but the best for him, the only person that ever cared about him too. And here he is, feeling a bit of the weight on his shoulder shifted after her passing??? What is wrong with him? 

I feel like he's in denial how the way his mother been teaching him had been wrong, and would DEFINITELY be VERY MUCH REALLY defensive when someone call her out on how wrong she is. Cause she can't be wrong, he doesn't (want to) believe that she's wrong.

I feel like the moment he make his first kill in his human life, and I believe, that his first kill could be either someone that bullied him or some guy that harrassed someone else (my thought went to mimzy for a moment but it makes good sense for that could be how they first met)

And when he painted his hands red, a short flash of image of his mother's first murder as well, and it dawned on him. He had waited all this time, that fate will turn it's favor on him. For years he held back, in the end, the only way for things to turn, is if he *himself* change.

Feeling a strong surge of power like never before. Looking at the harrasser's fear induced face. It felt *good*. To be the *predator* instead. How the tables have turned.

Emotions running through his veins along with adreline, there was guilt that he had disobeyed his mother, there was hatred (which feeds his guilt) how much his mother has held him back from this, there was an overpowering sense of addictive of how much control and power he has in the situation for the first time.

And he finds himself unable to let go of the feeling. Wanting *more*.

I think at this point, he is willing to let go of the love that held him back, he loves his mother dearly, but he is unable to stop breaking every promises and lessons his mother taught him. By then, he hopes, that his mother would forget about him in wherever her soul went. He doesn't seem to mind if his mother doesn't love him anymore, he finds it better that way, she shouldn't be burdened by him cause there is no way he will stop.

He doesn't care if that made him unloved (Love is what holding him back in the first place, held him captive, making him doubt, making him hesitant, pressuring him), or that it made him into a monster. Because for once, despite him drowning too deep into the trench surrounded by his piling up hatred and rage against everyone that wrong him, he can breath.

He felt free.

[loyrendchild]

If we ever got a single player Horizon 3 game this is something I would love to see:

Beta: *sees her sister coming to the Base and immediately gets excited walks over to her* “Hey, Aloy? I was wondering if you could help me with something?” She asked timidly.

Aloy: *a little busy but stops for a moment to hear her sister out* “Sure thing. What’s up?”

Beta: “I’ve been thinking for a while now about this. I want a complete new version of myself. New name. New look. I’ve been trying out different names and I keep landing on Elisabeth— I know Elisabeth isn’t actually our mom but she’s close enough, or as close as genetics can get—"

Aloy: Beta that’s amazing that you want to do this. But where do I come into this?”

Beta: I want you to cut my hair for me. Im sick of the way it currently looks; it just reminds me of being with the Zeniths and being used as a tool rather than an actual person.”

Aloy: “Eh we’re kinda a little far from being an actual person, but I get what you’re trying to say.”

Beta: “Another thing. I want to start being called Elisabeth — or Beth for short - from now. Being called by name currently reminds me of being a tool because what does beta mean? ‘Someone who prefers other people in charge and be shy or lack confidence’ and I don’t want to be timid anymore. I’m sick of being afraid of everyone and everything. Like I understand that we were brought up by two different people but I want to be strong like you.”

Aloy: “Beta - Beth - you’re not scared of everyone or everything. And Trust me, you do not want to be someone like me; and the things I’ve endured, not unless you actually enjoy being an outcast and lose your only father-figure in the process.” She placed a hand on her hip as she gestured her head slightly to the side. “I’m happy to do everything else and I understand you want to change your personality because it reminds you of—

You don’t need to ‘become like me’, we both have different strengths and different roles; yours is to hack into technology whilst staying here and mine is out there dealing with machines and sometimes people. But, if you’re really that serious about it I’m more than happy to teach you how to survive them; just as Rost taught me. But, if you really prefer to be called something else, then who I am to argue with that? From now I’ll call you ‘Beth’, if you want.”

Beta: Also, would our surname technically be Sobeck if Elisabet is our genetic parent?”

Aloy: “I wouldn’t know. I suppose so.”

[juvederm]

yapping abt family hcs for ud

starting w the washingtons bc whatever . i think josh's dad is widely interpreted to be kind of a shitty dad, and honestly i do write that a lot, like i don't go against it ever. but i like the idea of the dad being cool, crafty and humorous. i should write that more Tbh . however i expanded more on the first interpretation i mentioned. i give josh's dad a lot of issues, like he's got his own problems going on (won't go into it bc im afraid of ppl looking at me sideways, not that the hcs are weird but idk) for the mom, she's kinda always been the same for me; she values academics, ethics, and wants the best for her kids. as soon as josh and the twins were able to work she was like, apply for jobs. as soon as they were able to get their permits she was like. ur getting that damn permit. she wasn't That strict but like her kids didn't have to be told twice. like they just listened bc her tone was firm enough (i hc for the mom that shes been like working all her life, she's a very determined woman)

now onto jess- i give her a step dad, her bio dad kinda dipped before jess could really remember him. jess is veryyyt much like her mom. her mom is like an energetic person, i imagine she's like short asf, had a party phase in college, and wants jess to seek out experiences that feel good to her. and she's very supportive. her step dad is a chill, mellow kind of guy too, he's not as energetic and outspoken but he's supportive too. jess also mentions in game how her parents do throw money away to replace her phones, i think her parents are like Girl how the fuck do you keep losing / breaking your phones. so they give her warnings, hence why jess dramatizes it and is like "my parents Will Kill me :[" also jess's mom is that mom that everyone loves. like even emily is like "i love that bitch". i think jess has a little sister, like a baby sister, who constantly makes messes that jess has to clean up after.

speaking of emily, both of her parents are business people. classy, no nonsense (except her dad can be kinda jokey). her mom is much like josh's where she wants emily to excel in academics, get shit done and be successful. so emily works toward that, 4.0 bitch. her parents do trust her a lot too, they're usually away on business trips, so they allow her to invite friends over, but they can also be very punishing like if they come back and the house is fucked up, emily has to clean it and she doesn't get off scott free even if she does that. but generally they're pretty lenient with her and they don't hassle her. i think emily has a younger teenage brother, who's ur average annoying gamer. he's not left off the hook tho, he still has to keep his shit together, sometimes emily helps him study

ashley has both of her parents in the picture. her dad looks like he jumped out of a 70s sitcom. like plaid shirts, giant glasses, he tries to be stern and strict abt things like curfew but sucks at enforcing it. so like cady heron's dad lfkdnsbs. id say ashleys mom js like cadys too, but ashleys mom has more whimsy to her. her mom collects and is a painter, likes sewing from time to time (she sewed ashleys first day of hs clothes) ashley has a baby brother to me, but hes not as messy as jess's little sister. ashley's parents are also aware of ashley's crush on chris, and even they're like ... Do you Liiiike him? and they tease her abt it often.

sam's parents are surprisingly stern. i like the idea of them being kinda chill and shit but idk. i often write her parents being strict with her academics and stuff, but it's mainly only wanting her to pass her classes. they're both sports people also, so they stress that sam works out and does a sport. sam to me seems like she did a lot of sports and didn't stick to one, but she's good at a lot of them too. she's good at tennis (but always lost to hannah 😭), she played for the girls soccer team, she did baseball but didn't like it as much, she tried cheer and also didn't like it (jess wanted her to join). her parents don't lack any fun tho, they often go out and take sam along. i view sam as an only child too, so it's just her and her parents at some fancy restaurant. maybe it's awkward, maybe it's not. her parents also focus on healthy foods and shit. her dad studied anatomy and physiology in college and always drops some random ass health facts

matt's parents are probably the most supportive people ever. his dad is the definition of "he's a little confused but he's got the spirit" bc his dad is so uninformed about sports. like he'll cheer for the wrong team at the game with Confidence... his dad is also crazy abt video games, he used to work at as a game journalist at one point. he has like old video game discs in this thick ass binder that holds all of them (my dad literally does this). the mom is just as nerdy as him tbh, they're like Thee couple. she's often the one arranging outings and stuff like that, and if she asks her husband to do it... that shit never happening. he usually forgets lol, but it ain't all cookies and cream like... they do want matt to succeed and get his scholarship. they ask about his grades a lot. matt also has three younger brothers, chaotic little trio they are. they're like LARPers in the backyard, always playing a new game with each other.

mike also has parents that are very business savvy. his dad is a mayor, previously worked in real estate. he's worked at a lot of construction sites for the town that they live in. he's a big name, maybe not as big as bob washington, but definitely well known . his mom is a nurse, but mainly works from home or if she's at work, she's usually in her office. mike to me has an older brother . like one that he's not really close to but when the guy visits, they have an ok time. his older brother like moved out forever ago and is 4 years older than him. mike at first seems like an only child but no. his parents are much like the others where they did stress academic success, so when mike was class president they were like so proud of him. but they can be kind of neglectful as well... often leaving for days at a time, or not being home until dark. but mike doesn't mind bc he just invites people over or throws a party when he can. his parents are also aware of how much he hops between girlfriends but they never keep up or seem interested in actually knowing the girl. besides emily. she made them get to know her bc she wasn't about to visit and have them not respect her lool

and chris . he's one that i've talked at length about so this might be nothing new. i gave chris a packed backstory so just keep that in mind. heads up for like abuse and stuff like that. his dad is an asshole full stop. and yeah the guy has his issues too. i hc his dad as this hard ass, former military sargeant. he's not in it anymore, but his experiences in it impacted him immensely. however, he's always been strict and no nonsense. he always asks chris if he's thinking about getting a girlfriend, he wants chris to be a man in charge . chris kinda doesn't want to be like his father. chris is a mommas boy to me, and speaking of his mom, she was so unlike her husband it's crazy. she was a very chill woman, very interested in gardens and anything botanical. she wanted chris to just do what he liked, but his dad would oppose that. i think chris ended up losing his mom at a young age, and could be an explanation for why he tends to shut down in emotional situations. his dad didn't cope well with losing his wife, along with being very verbally degrading, it would sometimes get physical when they'd argue. needless to say i don't give chris a good home life . his step mom is okay, she's not as mean as his dad, but it's not enough for chris to want to stay at home . chris is also the most only child i've ever seen in a video game

anyways there you have it. these are the headcanons i operate under when writing :]

[majoringinsarcasm]

CHAPTER NINE BABY LETS GO SUMMER ROSE IM MANIFESTING YOU READING THAT BEDTIME STORY LETS SEE IF IM A FOOL OR IF ILL ACREAM

FORWDBWE

Ok. Ok ok. So. Someone IS reading! It COULD be Summer or or or

Y’all I had to pause if it’s SUMMER IM GONNA SCREAM

MOTHERS AND FUCKERS OF THE JURY WE HAVE THE LAST MOM WE HAVE FINISHED THE COLLECTION AND OH NO SHES HOT AS HELL

SHES SO PRETTY SHES SO FUCKING PRETTY AND IM ONLY LOOKING AT HER DROM NOSE DOWN

HER SHOULDERS IM A VICTORIAN MAN I HAVE FALLEM ILL FROM HER BEAUTY

BABY YAAAAANG SLEEPING SOUNDLY BC HER MOMMY IS JERE IM

GOD she’s so beautiful and we don’t even see her face or her full outfit but it Does Not Matter fuuuuuuck

Sorry I was so focused on the most beautiful woman to ever exist I forgot to be worried about my baby boy. Jaune honey please be ok

AHHHHHHH THE PAPAER PLEASURE IS MADE OF GEMS NOW ITS STURDY NOW AND ITS THE RED ONE AHHHH

RED IS RUBY YELLOW IS YANG BLUE IS WEISS PINK IS NORA FREEN IS REN IM GONNA CRY

AND A PURPLE ONE ITS THE SQUAD AHHHHHHHHHH

OR MAYBE THE RED IS PYRRHA IDK BUT AHHHHH SEE JAUNE SEE

NO FLOOD OR FIRE WILL EVER HURT THEM AGAIN

WHITEKNIGHT SHIPPERS HOW YALL FEELING THIS IS CUTE IM CRYING

GIVE IT UP FOR BEST GIRL SHES GROWN SO MUCH FOR REAL

GROUP HUG WE JUST NEED TO DO THIS FOR RUBY TOO WAAAAAH

ok well no we still need to figure out what the cat wants they don’t know it was trying to possess Ruby hang on

HUUUUUUUH?????????

I’m gonna CRY

HERB

AHHHHHHH LOOK AT THEM

Blake being so tender with Yang and Yang being so so afraid to lose her sister oh my god oh my GOD she’s cradling her face and wiping her tears. Any Yang haters I see will be sent into the pit

So bc Neo’s plan was to kill Ruby, or get rid of her or whatever, she’s empty. Without Roman and without her revenge she has no attachments back on Remnant that would make her want to leave

BUT EHAT DOES THAT MEAN FOR ALYX BC I FIGURED THE CAT TRIED TO POSSESS HER TOO BUT WHAT

IS SHE REALLY JUNIPER IS THAT WHAT IM HEARING

OH NO IS SHE THE BLACKSMITH

DID THE CAT KILL ALYX??!?!?!?

Cat. If you think Anyone is gonna let you touch Ruby. I’m sorry to Neo’s body but you’re about to be torn to shreds

THIS BITCH DID NOT TURN INTO PENNY EHAT THE FUCK

NOOOOOOOOOOO NONONONO

JAUNE

NOOOOOOOOOOOO BRING HIM BAVK

IS THIS RED LIKE ROSES BITCH

DONT END IT THERE WHAT THE FUCK NOOOOOOOO AHHHHHHHHHHHH

OH BITCH WE GOT THE FULL MODEL WE HAVE THE ARTWORK WE HAVE HER WE GOT SUMMER ROSE AFTER ALL THESE YEARS OH MY GOOOOOOOOD

Oh lordy lordy we have gotten. No /I/ have gotten everything I’ve EVER wanted like. If we ever get a team STRQ flashback I’ll die happily ever after but I know next week will HOPEFULLY be Ruby talking with her mom or something like that. I need smarter ppl to talk about the lore I am too head empty but BABY WE JAVE COMPLETED THE PARENT GAUNTLET WEVE COLLECTED THEM ALL A ROUND OF APPLAUSE

[raccoongodapollo]

1. i do with my mom, i'm going to have to cut my father out of my life like badly matted fur.

2. my fiancé

3. many things. most often and strongly losing a friend who took her own life and not having the courage to reach out sooner.

4. very.

5. I'm engaged.

6. in my sleep or by that one gas that kills you painlessly

7. two corndogs and some vanilla flavoured milk.

8. never

9. near constantly

10. somewhere around a year ago, i think.

11. yes, my fiancé and i have strong, very platonic feelings for my two best friends <3 love you dorks only one might see this lmao

12. heha yea. used to regularly. think the longest i ever stayed up was like 60 or 70 something and i almost offed myself lmao

13. my father. and the fucking clown guy that goes around my fiancé's apartment complex with a horn. and my fiancé's bio parents (terrible awful abusers, grandmother adopted them.)

14. yes. my friends who i don't see as often as i'd like because it's summer. and eli, RIP.

15. he's not mine he's my mom's and therefore my brother. i love him very much and he's very mean unless you feed him treats lmao. his name is little bits.

16. my ears hurt and im tired and lonely and wishing my friends were here to talk to me and give me their attention lmao.

17. yes i think? Can't remember i've made out like everywhere except an airplane.

18. only in person, love them otherwise.

19. FUCK YES.

20. my fiancé's living room right before i left

21. sleep, apply for work, play Minecraft

22. ABSOLUTELY NOT NO NO NO NU UH I'D RATHER DIE THAT KID WOULD END UP SO FUCKED UP

23. yes and just on my earlobes, saving up for more though >:}

24. maaaaath. love that shit.

25. yes. said friend who took her own life, fly high.

26. mmm chicken wings and cuddles

27. yea, but he cheated on me sooo

28. by every. single. one. of my exes.

29. yes my fiancé gets very overwhelmed very easily and will burst into tears at even the slight inconvenience or bad thought but i support them the best i can. some people just cry easier and that's okay, i love them no matter how often or strongly they express their emotions <3

30. ear hurts for no reason and now my foot is super numb too lmao

31. yes <3

32. greeeeen and also blaaaaack

33. absolutely. took me forever to actually start really fully trusting my fiancé and im starting to fully trust my besties.

34. uh i had a stress dream about school that was weird and the rest have been nightmares so bad im genuinely afraid to sleep alone for fear of waking up and then hyperventilating myself back to sleep. /gen

35. my fiancé.

36. probably yea. i think so anyways.

37. forget because i have memory problems 😎

38. yea, probably. can't remember most of it though.

39. uuuuuuh like 12 i think. 12 or 13.

40. no not yet

51 - okay so what the fuck happened to the 40s they're gone but uh chicken wings. specifically mild boneless ones from pizza hut. basically just saucy chicken nuggets, and are god.

52. fuuuuck no life is a game of random chance and the fates like to fuck with me in a recognizable pattern (when im happy everything falls apart shortly after achieving this state :])

53. cry and eat mac an cheese while inviting one of my friends to a festival next year

54. NO. NO. CHEATING IS NEVER OKAY. CONSENSUAL OPEN RELATIONSHIPS AND POLYAMOURY AND ALL THAT IS NOT CHEATING BUT CHEATING IS NEVER OKAY. BEING IN A RELATIONSHIP OR SEXUALLY ACTIVE WITH SOMEONE OTHER THAN YOUR CHOSEN PARTNER WITHOUT CONTENT FROM SAID PARTNER IS CHEATING AND IT IS BAD.

55. no people consistently describe me as sweet. unless im grumpy or with family who i dislike. then i am Very mean unless i like you, then im just a bit grumbly lmao.

56. over 10 lost count after that lmao

57. yes <3

58. cooooooold

59. never experienced it cuz i live in earth's hellhole but probably

60. yes. obviously. lmao

61. it's comforting, not necessarily cute. creepy if you're not careful

62. food and sleep and weed (cbd and thc) and my fiancé and my friends and cuddles and head pats and raccoons and frogs and ducks and possums and-

63. yes i am traaaaans woo hoo

64. nope not if i was with them we're extremely physically intimate constantly

65. panic get confused and reject them. if they're my bestie then they sure as hell know im engaged

66. lmao they know im suicidal but not what my favourite colour is so

67. my friend who works at a place that im going to apply to cuz they're hiring

68. my fiancé

69. yes lmao but not in the conventional way

70. yes. my two best friends and my fiancé. probably also my mom but she would NOT consent to that. actually none of these people would but shhhh

70 horrible questions ... Fuck it

01: Do you have a good relationship with your parents? 02: Who did you last say “I love you” to? 03: Do you regret anything? 04: Are you insecure? 05: What is your relationship status? 06: How do you want to die? 07: What did you last eat? 08: Played any sports? 09: Do you bite your nails? 10: When was your last physical fight? 11: Do you like someone? 12: Have you ever stayed up 48 hours? 13: Do you hate anyone at the moment? 14: Do you miss someone? 15: Have any pets? 16: How exactly are you feeling at the moment? 17: Ever made out in the bathroom? 18: Are you scared of spiders? 19: Would you go back in time if you were given the chance? 20: Where was the last place you snogged someone? 21: What are your plans for this weekend? 22: Do you want to have kids? How many? 23: Do you have piercings? How many? 24: What is/are/were your best subject(s)? 25: Do you miss anyone from your past? 26: What are you craving right now? 27: Have you ever broken someone’s heart? 28: Have you ever been cheated on? 29: Have you made a boyfriend/girlfriend cry? 30: What’s irritating you right now? 31: Does somebody love you? 32: What is your favourite color? 33: Do you have trust issues? 34: Who/what was your last dream about? 35: Who was the last person you cried in front of? 36: Do you give out second chances too easily? 37: Is it easier to forgive or forget? 38: Is this year the best year of your life? 39: How old were you when you had your first kiss? 40: Have you ever walked outside completely naked? 51: Favourite food? 52: Do you believe everything happens for a reason? 53: What is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night? 54: Is cheating ever okay? 55: Are you mean? 56: How many people have you fist fought? 57: Do you believe in true love? 58: Favourite weather? 59: Do you like the snow? 60: Do you wanna get married? 61: Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby? 62: What makes you happy? 63: Would you change your name? 64: Would it be hard to kiss the last person you kissed? 65: Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do? 66: Do you have a friend of the opposite sex who you can act your complete self around? 67: Who was the last person of the opposite sex you talked to? 68: Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with? 69: Do you believe in soulmates? 70: Is there anyone you would die for?

[sammywammybits]

(Long rant/vent) I’m so much like my mother. They comment how much I look like her especially when I put my glasses on. They say I sound like her when I yell…

I yell I yell I yell cuz she yells she gets mad I get mad she forgets I forget. But I’m always in the wrong. I’m always in the wrong. She’s only really apologized once for assuming I took something which I didn’t. No matter what I do good or bad we all get punished cuz we are family. Then my mom turns to us and say “get mad with *siblings name” not me” like… what are you doing you’re the one punishing us for their actions. Do you want us to fight with eachother do you want us to shout and fight do you like yelling at us. Do you really want to slap me like you say you would. Yeah I’m mouthy. I have ODD what do you expect. And no im not taking more drugs to deal with it when I can probably do it… I don’t do pills cuz you say it’s expensive so I feel guilty and don’t take them even if they help. They don’t I just don’t crave food anymore. I turn into a picky eater I couldn’t even eat popcorn cuz it seemed gross I love popcorn but every day I wanted to take the pills hoping that I’d lose weight. But I take after you. I take after you I take after you I take after you I take after you I take after you. My throat is closing up. I want to sob but you taught me to shut it or you’ll give me something to cry about. I haven’t had a proper hug in 3-4 years after my dad died. I want to hang out with you but due to everything you have to focus on the younger twins. And sometimes I feel like you care about the dog more then us… more then me. I failed in life I’m held back cuz of you. You never encouraged me to drive. I’m scared of cars and of driving. You never showed me or allowed me to get a job. You never helped me. I’m a failure. I’ve already failed life and it’s not even close to being finished. I can’t even love cuz of you. I fear people. I fear of some men cuz of the guys you have been with after my father… abusive guy who is still in our life… it’s not the twins fault. I love them… then that other ex who would take us out to the side of the high way in the cold of winter cuz he was hiding that he was rolling his own cigarettes. He would smoke in his car with a fucking pod cast while me and my two siblings would stand outside and knock on the window asking when he was done. I told you a little bit ago that he had done that when we was kids but you didn’t really believe me… that same ex made me eat food that I didn’t like or made me eat food that was from the floor… he swept it up and put it in my mouth as I cried. Or how he was laughing at us cuz he was “giving out electronics a bath”. Or how he hit my little sisters bare ass multiple times. I can’t even remember why. But he was not our father he had no right to do that. That night I woke up a he was crying for you to help him. I’m glad you told him to leave… cuz those years I Remembered. Glad you have a good boyfriend tho you guys sometimes have problems… I don’t want what you had. I am afraid of love to the point I can’t feel it other then a strong friendly type of love. And no I don’t go to you when I have a problem cuz all you’ll say is “what do you want me to do about it” like i don’t know I’m just stuck…. I want to talk to you about my problems but I don’t want to feel ashamed after you say that you can’t help me or say I’m attention seeking. Yes I’m attention seeking cuz I don’t get enough and I want help but I’m to ashamed… and yeah I know you’re depressed aswell. I feel guilty for how I feel. Im not even a kid anymore. Im grown but still act like a child… was I supposed to guide myself to adulthood? Do parents help you with that or are you supposed to find that path? I’m lost… I love my mom but she kinda fucked me up… or I’m just stupid and overreacting of this… is this even normal…. And yeah I get it. I’m the second Oldest so I should have sucked it up. I’m sorry… I know. Shouldn’t have bugged you a lot with useless stuff so that’s why I’m writing it here so you can’t find it. Im so sorry mom.

[thecurseofclever]

i don't know how to write anymore but i know i should. it's the only thing i have left it seems.

i wish there was something in this world that excited me or made me feel anything. well i guess feel anything other than lost.

lost & anxious. that's the only two emotional settings i've had for a while.

as much as i tried to dissociate from the whole experience losing my mom has made my life empty in a way that i don't think it will ever really mean anything again. she was my reason not to off myself bc i knew she would be so sad if i did something like that and she had to live without me. that and the fact that i promised God I wouldn't do it again after the last time didn't work (& we all know there's only one consistent thing about me & it's my fear of him).

im just tired man. tired, scared, & lost as fuxk.

i moved back to the place i had enjoyed most so far in life. only coming back it's just as much of a hell scape as anywhere else i've been. there's too many people here now. i just want to be alone & unbothered.

i stumbled my way into my first actual relationship born out of not great circumstances. really the whole thing has been confusing. sometimes the logical part of my brain is activated and i can see all the ways that this whole thing might fall apart. she says she loves me & i can tell that for whatever fucked up reason it's important for her to have me in her life...

& i am afraid in a way that i can't nor will i ever be able to explain to anyone close in my life.

i have no family. i want to be involved in my friends' life and still add value to theirs but i am so disappointed in the fact that i am not the person they were friends with before this all happened. i can't get past that let down of my own expectations enough to reconnect with anyone. not only that but everyone seems to have found their own things in life. & i don't want to be uncomfortable squeezing myself into spaces that aren't intended for me now. so i isolate bc it's what's best for everyone involved and it's an easier outcome for me. im saving them the disappointment of my life and i don't have to make myself fit.

life is getting too serious in a time where nothing is safe. i can't imagine myself ever having a career. my gf wants a baby and for someone whose seen all the different types of parenting and struggles with a child i cannot imagine anything worse. being a parent feels like a death sentence in a way i can't ever fully explain i just know i don't want it. i want to get married and there's a chance i could but i only want it to know i have something in life that belongs to me. i have no intentions of a career or school or anything like that bc i can't unsee how fuxked up the conditions of the world are so why would i inconvenience myself for something that's not promised to benefit me. my body is so broken and needs so much work to be a valid member of society but i can't afford healthcare. my depression is kicking my ass. i can't keep paying for antidepressants and i don't have time---

i don't know man i just feel alone anxious tired and in a constant state of confusion and i just want to find just one little part of me before it's too late

[kidkintsugi]

tw de*th

my uncle and grand-uncle (my grandpas brother? idk the term for that tbh) passed last week. both from cancer as far as i know

i dont feel anything at this point, i havent been this dissociated in a long time.

however, i do care about my mom. shes always been a very emotional person so i tried to take care of her as best as i could. the second i heard the news of my uncle i rushed to get the next train home.

my aunt (not the wife of my dead uncle, a different one) is a bitch; she makes money her first priority. she is putting pressure on us because my grandpa should pay for funeral costs in her opinion. my grandpa may be slightly senile but he still knows that she doesnt have his best interest at heart. my grandpa is also still mourning; he lost his son and brother in only 2 days. my aunt has nothing else to worry about and keeps talking shit about my family and my mom in the city. idc about her anymore, she also doesnt accept me so im certainly not gonna help her.

my uncles passing has some mystery to it (not really im just coping). from what it seems like, he told the doctor not to tell his family about his cancer. he didnt want us to worry, and i respect that decision, but it makes my mom so much more upset. i dont know what to do, i am not good with things like these.

my friend who ive been talking a lot about is about to fail our semester because he cant get help anywhere due to his illness. hes missing classes due to migraines. theres no available doctors in our area and he currently has no way to pay for regular train trips. my parents say i shouldnt worry about him but hes one of the very few people i met in this new city that dont get on my nerves so i am afraid to lose him.

he also implied that he thinks about what it would be like to date me which grossed me out. i wish we can just stay friends, he knows how i dont like this type of shit. maybe he thinks i didnt hear him.

[kmoplq]

‘Is it really you..?’

Captain Price x ‘Hostage’ & FEM!Reader

(Special thanks to @overthetopobsessed for the idea!!!)

Warnings: HEAVY Angst, Mentions of kidnapping, Mentions of torture, Mentions of drugging, slight signs of insanity, but teeth rotting fluff as my apology with tears☹️☹️, also me being goofy in parentheses 🥳

WC: 2.1k

All you remember is spending time with your crush before anything.

You couldn’t even remember anything after that, the only thing stuck in your mind was John Price.

It was your senior year of high school. He had just told you that he was planning on going in the military.

You didn’t like the idea of him going out there. The Price you knew wasn’t always hard and demanding.

He was a average guy. He was the guy to enjoy a nice movie, nothing to scary, or boring. Just a nice comedy.

“Your really thinking about it, aren’t you?” He looked ashamed. It wasn’t a painfully obvious look, he tried hard to hide it but you’ve known him long enough.

“I just.. I don’t know! I know the risks and the training will be hard to take, but thats the whole point.

(Innit?) Isn’t it?”

You sighed. When John had something in his mind, he wouldn’t let it rest until he found out what to do with it.

“I just want you to be safe, I don’t wanna lose you, too.”

“Why? Do you think I’ll die that easily? Y/N, You know that if I died before I saw you again, I’d come back just to say goodbye.”

“Thats what im afraid of! I don’t want you to say goodbye! I don’t want to see your mother in tears on my porch!”

“Do not bring my mother into this.”

“Why? Is it because you know she’ll care? Honestly, isn’t it enough to know that you have actual family that will keep and touch with you and will actually sort things out?!”

“I know thing are hard for you right now-“

“No, you don’t get it. You don’t get it, not even in the slightest. I can barley have you come over without my parents yelling at each other over the phone or at me. Hell, my mom even whopped my ass in front of you! Is that not enough proof for you?”

At this point he was speechless. He didn’t know who to respond. So he left. Didn’t call, Didn’t show up at school, Didn’t even send a letter.

You trace 3 soft knocks at the light pale blue door in front of you. You had on John’s hoodie. You were giving it back, but you just wanted to make sure he was ok.

“Oh! Hello dear! Come in, come in!” You stepped in to see the dining table set up so perfectly. Nothing out of place or mismatched. All perfect.

“Uh, Ms.Price?” “Yes, dear?” “Where’s John?”

Her faced pulled a frown from her normally bright smile.

“He left, and I thought you’d be the first he’d tell. That stubborn boy.”

You looked like you had just witnessed the most gruesome thing imaginable.

“W-What do you mean ‘He left’?”

“To the military. Did he really not tell you, dear?”

Your heart dropped, you stopped breathing. Tears wound up on the edge of your eyes. You lost all feeling in your body and went limp.

This. This was all your fault. That stupid argument. That stupid comment. If you had kept you big ass mouth shut, you probably would have gotten a call.

You started weeping into Ms.Price. You didn’t understand why you were crying. Ms.Price should be in your place right now, seeking you for closure. Knowing that her son, her only child has left her.

“Its ok, dear. I get that it hurts, but at some point you gotta let them go.”

Letting go. Letting go sounded to sweet for your ears. You pulled away after some time, seeing that you had completely ruined Ms.Price’s shirt.

“Im sorry Ms. Price.”

“Please dear, call me Hazel.”

“Ok, Ms.Hazel.”

She let out a chuckle. So sweet and soft, almost lulling you to sleep.

“Dear, you don’t have to add the Ms, Its completely fine, I pinky promise.”

She held out her pinky, looking at you like you were her own child. You held out your pinky and intertwined them.

TIMESKIP!

It had been 19 years since that whole shit show. You barley remembered it.

You walk around your decent sized apartment, finding something to keep you busy with.

You still had John’s hoodie on. It still being to big for you.

Your cat, Mews, purrs against your leg. You look down to see a pretty orange-brown, coat of fur.

“Look at my little chaos baby. Alright, time to feed you.”

You had found Mews at a animal shelter that was obviously wasn’t in the right condition.

You and the feline had bonded instantly with the look of an eye. She was a very friendly cat in general, but she was especially cuddly with you.

And thats why you instantly got her.

You heard a knock at the door. Turning around from the window, you walked towards the door

You open the door, looking around before closing the door.

As you turn around, a man in all black takes hold of your mouth and throws you against the previously opened door.

Your muffled curses hitting the gloved palm of the shadowed man.

You think as fast and smart as you can. Coming up with a solution, you throw all your weight onto the man, sending you both tumbling to the ground.

I guess the martial arts class paid off after all. Maybe your mother was finally right. Sure, she wasn’t right about you being a whore, but that martial arts really did teach you something.

You get up quickly, getting into a fighting stance. The man groaned and massaged the back of his neck.

“And what are you going to do little girl? You don’t know anything.”

The heavy russian accent flows through the wind, the broken english made it even clearer somehow.

“Come here and I’ll show you?”

He pulled out a knife, which made you flinch a bit.

He came running towards you, knife at the ready to stab or slice some part of you.

You dodge and hit him in his throat and he falls to the floor. You thought he was the only one.

Hell maybe he was a robber. But you were mistaken when you felt a sharp pain in the side of your neck.

You left hand quickly held that spot the pain was erupting with. You turn around to see another masked man, holding a syringe with liquid in it.

You’ve been drugged. You cant do anything. Your visions goes blurry, colors flashing around and polkadots painting a picture in your vision.

Everything goes black quickly. Your woken up by a harsh slap. It definitely hurts more then it’s supposed to. You’d know.

Your voice hoarse, you try speaking but all that brings you is pain.

“What..What do you want?”

“You have information that can help us.”

You looked at them, almost laughing. It was a scary moment, but hell all you could do was laugh.

“Me? Having some sort of sensitive information? Your fucking crazy.”

“You know a ‘Price’ , yes?”

That made you shut up instantly. You almost wanted to blame Price for this, but you know that it can’t be helped.

“Whats it to you?”

“Thats none of your concern.”

“For fuck sake. How am I gonna give you information if your not even gonna tell me-“

Another harsh slap to face. But this time, instead of it hurting more than normal, It hurt like a fucking bitch.

It felt like someone had sliced your cheek open,

but it hit you. If you were slapped, just a normal slap to the face, it would sting. So why the hell is your face bleeding?

“Did you just slit my cheek?” “No, I kissed your cheek.” “Oh wow, you have jokes.”

The man pulled you by your collar, making you jerk forward.

“Listen, just give me the information about Price, and we can let you go.”

“Well kill me then cause im not giving you shit.”

“Didn’t think i’d have to do this the hard way. What a shame.”

He let go of your collar while walking over to a counter that held shit that you’d see in movies.

Your heart sunk to your stomach. You had thought this whole thing was just a fucking dream.

But your life is at stake here.

It had been weeks. You had started keeping track of the days, but had slowly lost count.

The stab wounds, scars, burns, and everything else had just became numb.

Is this where I die? I’m m not ready to die. I can’t t die. Please.

You cant feel anything. Not anymore. So is there even a point to cry anymore?

You feel yourself go crazy, seeing thoughts. Until you heard a loud bang. Your head shot up like you were just fighting sleep.

I mean, you’re not wrong, are you? You hear gunshots, you don’t know what else to do besides stare at the iron door.

Feeling absolutely nothing knowing that you’d be dead by time anybody got to you.

��Is there anybody in there?” You heard a all too familiar voice behind the door.

“Hello.” You barely even heard yourself and was even more surprised when that familiar voice came back to you.

“Step away from the door, Im coming in!”

You crawled away from the door, unfazed by the loud banging ans just stared into the dents being made into the cold metal.

Once there was a big enough hole, a tall man stepped through scanning the room before he landed on you.

Price. This bastard is Price.

You sat up on your knees looking up at the man. Admiring his physique and his bearded face.

‘Is it really you..?” You felt all the emotions flood back too fast and started letting out tears.

He thought you were delusional. He can’t blame you though since you’ve been trapped here for who knows how long.

“I’m sorry miss, but I’m not the one your looking for.”

Your heart broke into billions of fucking pieces.

“No, no no no no.. You have to remember me theres no godamn you can’t. John please.”

He was shocked when he heard his name come out of your mouth. He didn’t know how to react. He saw you eyes widen, your eyes behind him.

“What-“

“Get down!”

You pulled him to the ground with you and you heard a strangled cough right after.

(gunshot. gunshot to the head. he’s dead 🤯)

“Oh, um, thank you.”

“Your welcome, Sir.”

Now he was really fucking confused. First you were calling him by his name and now your calling him sir?

“We’ve swept the floor, Cap.”

“Alright, let’s head out then.”

He offers his hand for you to hold for support and you feel yourself fumbling over your feet.

“Woah, careful there.”

Then he notices the one thing he forgot. His hoodie.

You both began to walk as the new proclaimed man, Gaz, leaded you both outside. Checking every corner.

“Hey, I had the same hoodie in high school. Where’d you get yours?”

“Just a friend. What’s it to you?”

“When’d they give it to you?”

“2 days before he left for the army. We went out to the skating rink. The fucker didn’t know how to skate at all, had to help him regain his balance every time. He even fell on his ass, I think.”

You let a gruff giggle, but to him it sounded angelic.

Then he realized. He finally fucking realized.

“Y/N?”

You stopped admittedly, your breath hitched so hard you started coughing.

He started laughing and patted your back with the right amount of pressure.

Gaz noticed and stopped to turn around.

“Are you two seriously flirting? You guys just met like, 10 minutes ago.”

“Gaz, I’ve known her since birth.”

“WHAT.”

You started coughing more with the tiniest hint of laughter.

“His mom basically took me as her daughter.”

“Speaking on my mother, how is she?”

You glared at Price.

“I don’t know Price let me think… Oh wait, i’ve been locked up for weeks!”

You playfully hit his shoulder. He playfully hit you back.

“Your not supposed to hit a woman, Price.”

“But your not any woman, your my girlfriend.”

You looked at him, taking a second to register what he had just said.

“What did you just call me?”

“I don’t know what your talking about.”

“John.”

“Am I technically wrong though?”

“Yes!”

“How?”

“Because you didn’t let me say yes yet.”

“What-“

You cut Price off by pulling him into a passionate kiss.

“But yes, I am your girlfriend. For now at least.”

“Now what’s that mean?”

“You’ll know when I show you.”

“You guys suck at flirting and im going to throw u both off a cliff.”

“Gaz, your just mad you don’t have anybody.”

“I DO! I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND TOO(HINT HINT 🤭).”

“Whatever, loser.”

I actually don’t like this a wee bit ngl, but i hope u guys liked this ☹️🫶

[watchmegetobsessed]

With you - Harry Styles

❄️ FANFICmas 2020 ❄️

Read more about FANFICmas here!

fanficmas week 2! i really hope you guys are enjoying the holiday content! updated the fanficmas post with the title of next week’s fic and im working hard on more content, hopefully i’ll have more time when i finish school next week. take care!

word count: ~2k

masterlist

Getting into a relationship so close to the holidays is a pain in the ass. There are just so much unexplored territory, it makes an already stressful time even harder. What do you buy them? Do you spend it together? Do you take them home to your family? Do they want you to meet their family? There really should be a manual to answer all these questions, because it really works up your anxiety.

When you made things official with Harry just a short month before Christmas, you didn’t think about all these things, but once you were able to see from the pink clouds around you, realization hit you hard. These were all crucial questions and you were afraid to ask them straight. What if you disagree on one? What if you want him to meet your family, but he feels rushed? The two of you only dated for a few weeks before he finally asked you to be his girlfriend. You could jump and scream from happiness, but then you realized what it means for the holidays and now you are stressing out.

Harry however knows you well enough to notice that something is off, so one evening, when you’re on the phone he softly asks.

“Love, everything alright?” you hear his soft murmur through the phone.

“Yeah, why are you asking?” you say, trying your best to sound convincing.

“Because the moment I brought Christmas up you started giving one word answers. You know you can tell me anything, right?”

Your heart aches, he is such a sweetheart. You can’t just put it all aside hoping for the best, you need to be mature and just communicate your fears. Hopefully, he won’t think you’re crazy for stressing on such things.

“I’m just… a little anxious about the holidays.”

“Okay, talk to me. What’s gotten you feeling that way?”

“I’m just not sure what we should do.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, we haven’t talked about what happens on Christmas. Do you want me to meet your family? Do you want to meet mine? Do we celebrate together or meet after the holidays?”

You hear a soft chuckle on the other end of the call and you huff to yourself. Good to know, he finds it entertaining.

“Love, don’t stress about it, alright? We can talk about it now. But there’s no wrong answer, okay?”

“Do you really mean that?”

“I do. I know it’s our first Christmas together, a kind of important step, so I just want to make sure you’re comfortable with whatever we come up with.”

“You are literally making it so hard for me to comprehend that you’re real when you are so caring and loving Harry,” you mumble in the phone, earning another chuckle from him. Moments like this, when he acts like a real prince charming just makes you unable to wrap your head around the fact that you are dating this man. He is your boyfriend and you are his girlfriend. Unbelievable!

The two of you talk it through and come up with a plan for the holidays. Dinner at your parents’ on the 25th, lunch with his family on the 26th and then ice-skating in the evening, just the two of you.

Now that you have cleared it all, you just worry about one thing: not to do anything during the holidays that would make him want to leave you right away.

Dinner at your parents’ goes by smoothly, it’s not a surprise Harry wraps both of them around his fingers, you were kind of expecting it beforehand. Besides, your mom was already so excited to meet your charming new boyfriend, he doesn’t even have to try that hard through the evening.

Now lunch with his family has been working up your anxiety, but when Anne greets you with a warm hug and some sweet words about how grateful she is to finally meet the girl her son has been gushing about, your nerves fade and you let yourself enjoy this time with them. They are all so welcoming and you really hit it off with Gemma, already making plans after the holidays, just the two of you.

“Already getting rid of me, babe?” Harry teases you softly and you just kiss him with an innocent look.

After family time at the Styles home, Harry drives you home to get changed and pick your skates up before dropping by his house to do the same. You arrive to the skating rink a little after five, the sun has already dipped down below the horizon, the Christmas lights all around the place are setting the mood for the evening.

“I’m warning you, I’m not that good of a skater,” you tell him with a nervous smile as you finish up with your skates.

“S’alright, I’ll look out for you,” he smirks, making your heart flutter in your chest. He holds out a hand for you and you gladly take it, balancing on the blades a little wobbly. It’s been quite a few years since the last time you skated and you surely became a little rusty. You can only hope you won’t embarrass yourself that badly, wouldn’t want such an awkward memory from your first Christmas spent together with Harry.

“Hold onto me all you want, Love,” he tells you when he is already on the ice, helping you step into the rink as well. Your ankles aren’t holding up too steadily, so you take up on his offer and cling onto him for dear life.

You manage to get on the ice without smashing your face against it, so you give yourself a point for that. Harry seems to be comfortable in his black skates, gliding on the ice easily, always looking out for you to help or catch you if you might fall.

It surely takes you time to get used to moving around on the ice, losing balance quite often, but Harry is always quick to catch you just in time, saving you from falling.

“You are getting better, babe,” he smiles at you proudly when you are only holding one of his hands, trying your best to move forward, people passing you in a faster pace, but you are just happy to take it in slower.

“Sorry to hold you back. You can go a few rounds without me if you want,” you tell him, knowing well he would easily be able to circle the rink smoothly like a pro.

“I’m perfectly fine, don’t worry about me, Love,” he smiles at you and he sounds genuine. Returning the smile you try to inch closer to steal a quick kiss, holding onto his hand you manage to reach him, but right before your lips could meet his, a guy speeds past you so suddenly, he scares you, making you jump and easily fall out of your balance you worked so hard to keep all along. Harry’s arm immediately flies around you, trying to keep you steady, but it’s all dead business.

You launch forward, not able to hold yourself up, collapsing against Harry, who desperately tries to keep the both of you standing, but he doesn’t succeed. The two of you fall to the hard ice and though you mostly land on Harry, it’s still painful and you can only imagine what it feels like for him.

“Oh shit!” you gasp when you finally realize what just happened and that you’re lying flat on Harry who is grunting underneath you. “Harry, I’m so sorry!” you whimper, already feeling the embarrassment crawling up on your cheeks, heating them up. Of course you have to be so clumsy to pull Harry down with you when you fall.

Eyes falling to Harry’s face you see that his expression is quite pain twisted and looking down at him you try to find where he hurt himself.

“Wha-what hurts?” you frantically ask as he opens his eyes, staring up at the sky, seemingly holding his breath.

“Don’t panic, Love, but I think my wrist is broken,” he huffs out and you gasp at his words. You carefully get off of him and your gaze finds the hand that’s probably injured, but you can’t see much, his coat and sweater still covering it.

You manage to hold your tears back as you and Harry somehow push yourselves up from the ice and make your way off the rink. He is holding himself up like a soldier, not even whimpering at the pain he is surely feeling, but you can tell it’s painful as hell. You help him change into his boots, then change yourself as well, pack everything up as you head out to the car. This time you’re clearly driving and sitting in the dark car you need to bite into your lower lip to stop yourself from crying, but you are not even the one who is injured.

You just can’t believe he broke an arm because of you. How pathetic are you really? This evening will surely haunt you for years.

You feel Harry’s gaze on you while you drive, and you’re pretty sure he can tell how shaken up you are, but he chooses not to comment on it and you’re more thank thankful for that choice.

You park down at the hospital and walking in you are faced with the holiday chaos of the ER, that basically looks like hell. The place is packed, nurses and doctors are rushing from one point to the other, patients are waiting everywhere, children are crying and it’s a whole mess.

You check Harry in at the nurse station and the nice lady asks the two of you to wait until his name is called. Harry spots two empty chairs in the corner so you make yourselves comfortable there for the wait ahead of you.

He can tell you are blaming yourself and shutting yourself down, but he surely doesn’t want you to think it’s any of your fault.

“Hey,” he softly breathes out catching your attention. “What’s going on in your pretty head?”

You let out a tired and frustrated sigh, rolling your lips into your mouth.

“Just that I’m such a loser, breaking my boyfriend’s hand on our first Christmas together.”

“You did not break my hand, okay? It was an accident, Love.”

“Yeah, but I fell on you and that’s why it happened. I wouldn’t blame you if you wanted nothing to with me after this,” you mumble under your breath, but Harry is shocked to hear your words. Moving up his healthy hand to cup your cheek he turns your face to force you to look into his eyes.

“Okay, this is the silliest thing I’ve ever heard from you. Why would I want to break up with you for this?”

“Because… I’m a clumsy loser?” you whisper, feeling the tears stinging in your eyes again. “I’m so not the right match for you, anyone can see that,” you huff sadly.

“Stop this, I hate seeing you doubt yourself. Because it makes me feel like I don’t worship you enough, that I don’t show you enough how crazy I am for you.”

“You are?” you mumble with wide eyes.

“Oh, absolutely,” he chuckles, running his thumb across the soft skin under your eye. “And this is going to be the funniest and best story to tell later. I can’t wait to tease you every year about it,” he smirks smugly at you, and though you want to roll your eyes at him, your heart is threatening to jump out of your chest. He is planning to spend more Christmases with you!

“I’m sorry this is how our first Christmas turned out to be. In a crowded hospital waiting room,” you huff your apology and he just smiles down at you sweetly, pressing a soft kiss to your forehead.

“It doesn’t matter where we are. I just want to be with you.”

[hournites]

Monster

2x08 SPOILERS AND ANGST IM SORRY IM A MESS 

~.~

The bars are cold between his clenched sweaty palms. The metal clangs against his throbbing head as his heart pounds and the breath shakes out of him like fresh air will never make it down his lungs again. Blooded hair flicks over his face and the vision of Courtney and Pat’s face doubles before him. 

Courtney runs to the bars separating them. Her fists resting on top of his as they cling hard on rust. Panicky promises of help and reassurance she doesn’t know how to give ring in his ears. It’s just noise. Rick doesn’t want to hear it. 

“Beth-” She says and Rick freezes. Her name slaps him hard like one of Matt’s hits. 

“I don’t want to talk to Beth!” His shout rattles the entire room. “I don’t want to talk to anyone!” Courtney spooks. Pat’s hand yanks her from his reach in the cell. Rick didn’t mean that. He didn’t mean to scare Courtney, he didn’t mean to scream like that. He didn’t mean to get to this bleak point. He didn’t mean to screw his life up like this. He didn’t mean to get close enough to people for them to hurt when he snapped at them. He didn’t mean to develop anything towards Grundy. He didn't mean to try this hard. He didn’t mean to start to forgive. He didn’t mean to destroy his uncle. Not at that moment anyway. Except for the fact he always secretly did. He didn’t mean to ever love anyone enough to disappoint them like this. To care about what he’d done tonight and what it really meant. To feel the hollowness in his chest when he thought about tomorrow. Or the day after. Or every year next. 

It’s too late to take that back. 

His life is over. His hourglass is smashed to pieces. His dad’s legacy in a rash fit of anger. Gone. Any chance of a future. Gone. The only house Rick ever tried to feel at home in. Gone. 

His body shudders as his back meets the far cell wall. His legs go weak as he slides to the ground, hands in his hair. He pulls at it and dry heaves. 

It doesn’t matter that it wasn’t real. That girl was real in the lake. Dead eyes up at the grey sky. Bow in her hair. Mud seeped into her skin. Water in her mouth. His parents were real.

Rick hisses in another laboured breath, squeezing his eyes shut tight and fights against the bile that rises from his stomach. Maybe he’ll just let that choke and drown him. 

“The kid’s losing it,” an officer rumbles into his walkie talkie, watching him from the corner of his eye. 

“I’m sorry,” he sobs and he means it as vomit lands on his worn dirt-stained shoes. And then that’s all he can say before throwing up again. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to-” His uncle’s smashed unrecognizable face flashes fast. The same dark eyes as Mom and the same shade of her hair that tumbled down her shoulders splattered with red gunked blood. Rick’s struck a sudden dose of terror.  “I can’t ever go home.” The whisper tumbles out in a shock numb. “I can’t ever go home. Pat! I can’t ever go--” His voice breaks. “I can’t go back there again!”

“Rick, son,” Pat’s voice cuts in. “We’re not going to worry about that right now. We just want-” It distorts out. Rick can’t hear him no matter how hard he strains his ears. The metal bars greet his hands again, he rocks forward. His nose is blocked and his head rages with a migraine so bad his skull is about to split. “I can’t--”  Why is he talking about going back home? There is no more home. It’s done. It’s over. There’s no second chance for people like Rick. Each dizzying realization spirals into another. He’s sinking into desperation, and it’s a different kind, a more feral anguish that runs through him like blood. Rick can’t go home. He can’t get his stuff. His uncle is going to take his car. They’re going to rip him out of school. He’s going to get expelled. He’ll have nowhere to live. Nobody is going to want him. Nobody is going to care. 

“Rick-” 

Rick does want Beth. The force of the need tears up his insides. He does want her. He wants her so bad he can’t even walk straight. Can’t breathe, can’t see, can’t blink clearly. Courtney passes him a towel and clean shirt through the holding cell bars. What is he supposed to do with it? He can’t even think straight. His nerves are shot. His entire world is over. There’s nothing left. He can strip off the shirt and the shoes and wash the mess and grime and evidence of his crimes. But it won’t strip Rick from the truth. Of what he really is. What he’s always been capable of. Who he was always meant to become. 

“Rick!? Rick!? I heard what happened, I’m on my way.” 

The phone in his hand is Pat’s. He’s not sure when it got there. Or how long she’s been talking in his ear. 

“Beth?” he croaks. 

“Rick. It’s me. My dad is driving me to the station. I’m almost there.” Rick looks up at Pat and Courtney. The curious police officer as they mirror back his helpless shocked-blank face. “I’m almost there,” she says again. 

His heart rips out like a cord. 

He can’t let her see this. She can’t be here. After what she thought about Yolanda? Beth’ll take one look at him and change every positive thought she’s ever had. Stop ever sending one of her smiles his way. 

Please stay home, he almost begs. But the words get lodged, stuck in his acid-burnt throat. What’s the use. Beth already knows. He can’t change anything now. Beth will see what he’s become. She’ll see the ugliness he truly is. 

Her voice is scared but firm. Strong. She’d always been. Beth was always and Rick was not. 

“Rick? Please. Please say something. You can talk to me.” 

The exhaustion attacks him. The thoughts scatter and it gets too hard. He can’t process, can’t function. Can’t fucking live. 

The side-door moves. A red checkered shirt blurs in front of his eyes. Two hands clasped over his hands again, squeezing warmth and life and hope he doesn’t deserve through jail bars. He blinks and focuses. The sliver of relief vanishes in thin air.

It’s not even Beth’s eyes. The green goggles lit up between them. Beth’s too scared. Too afraid to even be fucking face to face with the monster he’s become. 

Rick sobs. 

[floralseokjin]

;cyber sex (m)

FIRST LOVE, LAST LOVE

⟨gif credit⟩

You want to partake in some “cyber” sex...

pairing; jeon jungkook x reader  genre/warnings;  smut, fluff, skype sex, or as oc puts it, cybersex, sex toy usage (here 😘) words; 3,038

more﹆chapter index

“Are your parents in bed?” 

On the screen, Jungkook looked a little on edge, jittery almost. Like he was doing something illegal. 

“My dad is. Mom’s downstairs catching up on soap operas.” 

He still looked a little unsure. “How was your day?” 

You shifted on your bed, crossing your legs, your laptop jumped slightly, pixelated Jungkook bouncing around for a second. Internet at your parents’ house had always been shitty but he still made a bunch of cute pixels. 

“I’d love to small talk, Jungkook, I really would, but I woke up wanting sex and have been horny ever since.” 

You were expecting him to log on all eager and possibly already halfway to naked, but he’d appeared in sweats, back against the headboard of your shared bed, legs stretched out where laptop you was placed on his thighs. 

You watched him hesitate and grew annoyed. “What happened to being up for this?” 

This afternoon he’d been eager, possibly even cocky when you’d texted him over lunch. Your mom gossiping in your ear about her co-worker’s so called affair while you passively listened and arranged sex plans with your boyfriend...

There had been a time you were too embarrassed to even think about masturbating in your family home, but like Jungkook kept saying, you were a grown ass woman now, not still in high school or even in college. Those days had long past you by. You were a hot blooded female with needs. Needs for your super hot, super sweet boyfriend. There was really no need to be ashamed. You were going to participate in some cyber sex, no matter how much Jungkook laughed at your awkward phrasing. 

[You: 01:34pm]  Are you busy tonight? 

[JK: 01:36pm]  if eating cheetos in bed by 8 is busy then yes 

[You: 01:37pm]  Don’t you dare bitch 

[JK: 01:37pm]  why do you want to know if im busy? 

[You: 01:38pm]  cybersex 2300 hours 

[JK: 01:38pm]  Cybersex 😭😭 no one calls it that weirdo  but see you there my morning wood misses yoir ass 

Here right now, Jungkook made a noise, arguing with you. “I am up for this. It’s just your parents...” 

You rolled your eyes. He was a grown ass man and he was afraid of your parents. More so your dad. He’d taken a while to warm up to Jungkook—you blame the tattoos. But that was years ago when you’d first started dating. Your dad liked Jungkook now. Honest. 

“My dad’s asleep. I can hear him snoring,” you commented, giggling. 

Jungkook groaned. Way to ruin the mood, he was probably thinking. “That doesn’t help.” 

“Come ooonnn,” you whined, leaning into the screen. You knew your robe was dipping in the middle, already tied deliberately lose. He had a great view of your cleavage, however muted because of the shitty lamp lighting. “I miss youuuu.” 

Jungkook scoffed quietly. “And you’re making it worse. I wanna touch you for real.” He was speaking low, pouting really, but you caught his hand that slid across the front of his sweatpants. Was that some inconspicuous rubbing you’d spotted? Naughty. 

You leant back again and tried not to grin in triumph. Jungkook 0, your tits 1 once again. 

He carried on his rant. “I want you in this bed. In this house. I can’t wait 4 more days!” 

Diddums. He was a child, you swore. “Should’ve come with me then.” 

He was rubbing his crotch again, you didn’t think he realised he was doing it. “You know that’s only reserved for a Christmas every two years.” 

Yeah, like you said, he was terrified of your father. It was probably why he hadn’t proposed yet, too scared to ask for your dad’s blessing. Not that you would say that to his face. And not like you wanted to get married anytime soon, it was just only natural to think of those things. You had been together for years after all. 

You didn’t reply, instead shifting on the bed once more to spread your legs a little. You hiked one up, robe falling open to reveal the triangle of skin between your legs. You meant business.

“What’re you doing?” He practically stuttered, sitting up straighter against the headboard.

“I’m not wearing any underwear.” 

“I can see that.” 

You began to rub the pad of your index finger across your clit. Sensitivity shocking your body and you fought with yourself not to snap your legs closed. You softened the impact, slowly circling before slipping down your folds and collecting the moisture to drag back up to your clit. Agonisingly slow now because you wanted to tease the hell out of your boyfriend. Despite the near darkness, he had eyes like a hawk. “You’re wet already.” Maybe he could see it glistening through the camera. Or maybe he was just starting his descent…

“Like I said, I’ve been horny since this morning.” You ever so slightly dipped the tip of your finger inside yourself. You couldn’t remember the last time you’d played with yourself like this in front of him. It was fun. Especially because he was hanging onto each movement like his life depended on it. 

“Jungkook,” you nudged. 

“Mm?” It was just one sound, too far gone now. 

You murmured the next part, voice low and heavy, laced with a desperateness you’d felt all day. “Get your dick out.”

He didn’t argue. You let yourself grin in victory, ogling him as pushed a hand into his sweatpants and pulled out that thick, hot cock you’d been fantasising about since 7am. 

He ran his fist along it, definitely not lazily. Tugging at the head, his thumb rubbed the drops of precum across his slit. You clenched and pulsed down below. Unfair move. Your image of him was grainy and unlit but he looked just as hot as he always did. Maybe it was time to unveil your secret weapon... 

“Goodnight, love.” 

You jumped immediately at the sound of your mom’s voice, hand jerking away from between your legs. You’d been so distracted you hadn’t even heard her coming up the stairs. 

Your took a quick breath and tried to sound normal, praying you could keep your voice level. “Goodnight mom!” You succeeded, but only just you were sure of it. 

You heard the click of the bathroom door and turned your attention back to Jungkook, eyes wide. His were too. “Jesus christ,” he muttered, sounding annoyed. “This was a dumb idea.” He was sat forward, dick back in his pants, tops of his cheeks rosy, either from the jerking off or the near close call. Probably both. 

You tried to refrain from giggling but failed. “She wasn’t going to just barge in here.” 

Both waiting a few seconds, it wasn’t long before your mom exited the bathroom and shut the door to her bedroom. You untied your robe, relaxing into the bed instantly. You weren’t losing this moment. 

Jungkook groaned slightly, eyes apprehensively raking over your practically naked body. “This is so wrong.” 

“Relax, we’re alone,” you insisted. “Just remember to be quiet.” You’d use your earphones but you’d forgotten them, remembering as soon as you’d boarded the plane. 

“I’m alone.” He corrected, now sounding sorry for himself. Jeez, it was as if you weren’t spread out like a human buffet. “I miss you. Can’t you come home right now?”

Jungkook did not do well at being alone at all. It was cute. You smiled at him softly, running your hand down your stomach and between your legs. “But I wanna cum right nowww.” 

“Fine.” His stare hardened, watching the way you rubbed at the bundle of nerves. “You cum and then come home. Then I fuck you. Properly. None of this Skype shit.” 

You laughed, genuinely amused. He was such a baby. You watched him lift his t-shirt over his head. Taking initiative, you liked that. His hair fell in his eyes and he shook it away. He’d finally had a haircut a few weeks ago, but it grows fast, which was possibly a good thing because you really, really missed that long hair of his. 

Your eyes fell down to his chest and across his shoulders. He had a few tattoos that decorated his torso, amongst other places, but they mainly covered his arms. Speaking of which you clenched and pulsed again, just imagining those arms wrapped around you, squeezing you tight, hands pinning you to the bed... Shit. You really wanted to fuck him for real. 

You splayed around against the bedsheets, arching your back a little and Jungkook raised an eyebrow. “Take your robe off. Keep your bra on.” He sounded demanding, it wasn’t intentional, lost to the urge right now as usual, but you loved it when he ordered you about, even more so when he didn’t realise he was doing it. 

You quickly got to it, snapping at your bra straps as you lied back down, propped up by your elbows. “Is this actually sexy?” You’d done this a handful of times but that was back in college. Now older, it seemed more daunting. 

“Of course it is, babe,” Jungkook reassured. On cue he got his cock out again. He was still hard. 

You watched him rake his hand along himself a few times and then grinned. “I have something.” 

He raised an eyebrow again, curious but also clueless, and watched you pull something out from under the sheets. A glittery, rubbery thing that made his eyes light up. 

“You brought a dildo to your parents’ house?” He asked after a split second of silence. You nodded, biting down on your lip, holding the specimen up to the screen. He caught the look on your face and chuckled. “You planned this?” He sounded impressed. 

“Thought it would be fun.” You tried to sound casual but maybe you were a little nervous? Embarrassed? There was no need to be. You’d had a sexual fantasy and had acted on it... Jungkook was just as into it. Hm, maybe it was the being naked over cam that was making you feel so jittery? 

Jungkook eyed Miss Jessica Rabbit and laughed again. “Only you would arrange a visit to your parents’ place just so we could participate in some ‘cybersex’.” 

Joking aside, he was eager to begin. You could tell by the look in his eyes and by the way he’d straightened his back, leaning in closer for a better look. You didn’t feel nervy anymore. You were back in the zone. 

“Cybersex sounds cool, I don’t know why you find it so funny.” 

Jungkook rolled his eyes affectionately. “You’re adorable, that’s why I find it so funny.” 

“Lameee.” You sang. But now you were running the head of the vibrator along your slit, spreading your legs in the process.

Jungkook watched you carefully, still stroking his dick with leisure. “I’m surprised you didn’t get caught at security with that thing.” He was making casual conversation but his voice sounded strained. He kept having to swallow. “Hiding a giant vibrator in your clothing.” 

“Can you imagine?” You’d die of embarrassment right there on the spot. 

“I‘d come bail you out, don’t worry.” 

You giggled at his silliness. Who was going to tell him you couldn’t get arrested for carrying a vibrator in your luggage? 

However, soon the mood for small talk was over, only distracting at this point. Or maybe what was distracting was now the vibrator beginning to stretch out your insides. It was a little uncomfortable at first, maybe you were just too well aware your parents were a few feet away, or maybe you were just out of practice when it came to fucking yourself. 

Jungkook helped though, whispering encouragements and giving you useful tips, which only made you wetter; so yes, a huge help. It wasn’t long before you got a rhythm going, not long before your breathing quickened and you were trying really hard not to moan out loud. 

Jungkook matched your movements, now jerking himself off with vigour. You watched one another, fully at ease and lost in your own little world. 

“This is so unfairrr,” he grunted soon enough, burning a hole between your legs. His newly sworn enemy, Miss Jessica Rabbit. “I want my dick inside you, not some phoney.” 

You moaned quietly, agreeing of course. Nothing felt as good as Jungkook inside you. Nothing ever had. You clicked a button on the toy and the first level of vibrations started. 

You lifted your head a little, trying to gauge the sound. “Is that too loud?” 

He shook his head. “I think you’re good. Fuck.” He cursed because you were now grinding up against the ears of the bunny, vibrations against your clit sending you all gooey and warm. “Go faster.” 

You listened, the length of the vibrator now slipping in fully as your insides finally loosened up, no longer tense. You rolled to your side a little and like that you found your g-spot. Pleasure began to burst behind your eyes and you almost forgot Jungkook was there because now you’d remembered how to use this damn thing and there was no going back. 

You clicked another button, powering up the shaft as the pearls inside the rubber began to rotate. You bit down on your lip, desperate not to make a sound and you cursed yourself. Why did you think this was a good idea? Pleasure screamed at you but you must keep quiet. 

“Babe... Baby,” Jungkook was trying to get your attention. “Baby, get on your back again. I wanna see.” 

You slowly listened, knowing you had been restricting his view and try to fuck yourself on your back. You planted your feet on the bed, kicking the laptop to the centre in the process and hoped now that he had a good view. 

Whatever he saw, he liked, moaning maybe a little bit too loudly. You’d turn the volume down if you could move, but you can’t, too paralysed with pleasure. “This is so fucking hot.” He was legit growling, it sent a fire through your veins. 

He watched you buck your hips into the vibrator over and over again, struggling a little to keep thrusting the shaft inside of you, but you think he found that hot. You were close. You knew it. Lips spread apart, your clit was swollen and greedy for pleasure, sensitive to the titillating vibrations and your walls squeezed and began to spasm around the thick rubber, the rotating sensation you felt making you tremble all over. Your wrist hurt but it was a good kind of pain, burning, making you work hard for your release. 

“Wish you were here to fuck me better, baby,” you purred, because despite how amazing this felt Jungkook could make you feel a pleasure ten times greater. “Does your hand feel good?“

You couldn’t see him, flat on your back, eyes shut, face directed at the ceiling, but you could hear the sound of skin on skin. His palm raking up and down the rock hard flesh of his cock. 

“Don’t rub it in,” he chided, voice low. Ha. Because that was exactly what he was doing. Luckily you were too out of breath to drop a shit pun. 

Your lower half suddenly spasmed and you stifled a cry. You couldn’t hold on any longer. “Shit,” you gasped. “I forgot how strong this thing was.” 

“Yeah? I’ll cum if you cum.” 

That’s all you needed to hear. It wasn’t even five seconds later before you were coming. Like an explosion, thigh and vagina muscles clenching, toes curling into the sheets and your chest heaving, sweat beading at your hairline. Miraculously you managed to stay silent. Albeit your breathing. You ceased movement immediately, removing the pressure against your clit before turning the vibrations off. The shaft was still rotating inside you, nerves twitching in your thigh before you ended those too and slid the vibrator out with a silent pop. You threw it to your side. Your whole body tingled but you urged yourself to come to, to open your eyes and lean up on your elbows. Jungkook still needed to cum and you wanted to watch. Just like he watched you. 

“Good, baby?” He asked. His eyes were black, breathing shallow. His fist still tugged at his dick, desperate now. 

“Mm hm,” you nodded, feeling a little chilly now the thrill had worn off. 

Jungkook grunted a command. “Spread your legs a little. I’m close.” You listened without question, giving him what he wanted. 

You watched the veins protrude from his forearms, some painted black with the ink of his tattoos. The hand not wrapped around his cock cupped his balls ever so slightly, tugging on them a little before he tensed and groaned. The first spurt of cum shot out and landed on his stomach, then another, it slipped into the lines of his abs. The third load slowed and he tugged his fingers tight across the tip, over and over again, draining each drop. It thickened in the air and slid down his length, getting on his fingers too. You observed all this greedily. What a sight to behold. 

A couple of tissues later for him and your robe tied back around your body, you were both grinning and giggling like a pair of idiots together, still on a high. 

“We need to incorporate that into the real deal more,” Jungkook said, referring to the vibrator now stood on your bedside table. “Let me be in charge.” 

“It’s got to make its way back home first,” you joked. 

You had climbed into bed by now, welcoming the warmth and annoyingly your eyes started to feel heavy. 

“You tired?” Jungkook noticed straight away. 

“I can stay up a little longer,” you insisted, wanting to chat with him before you fell asleep. A text or a phone call just wasn’t the same, and even though it’s only been a few days, you missed him like crazy. “What did you eat for dinner?” You asked, making small talk. 

He raised both eyebrows, eyes wide. “Do you really want me to answer that?” 

No, probably not. You knew the answer already. 

It was always a ramen diet for Jungkook when you were away...  

Written 2020. Please refrain from posting my work elsewhere. No translations allowed. © floralseokjin 2020

[wokestraightpuffy]

Hallo, i hope you are alright and that my ask aren’t annoying but I wanted to ask do you have any c!puffy headcannons? —🤡

YOURE NOT ANNOYING AT ALL !!! NEVER THINK THAT ILU VERY MUCH. MUAH /p

as for c!puffy headcanons, i am not the best person to ever organize their thoughts properly but ill try my best >:’D

ahaha. this got. super complex and way too long and more of like an introspective study to puffy now instead of harmless fun headcanons so, uh. under read more <3 (also reminder this is all /rp and /dsmp)

* i like to think that she has a hero complex, but its a bit different since she never really sees herself as an ‘important’ part of the story, not the main character but a support one, hence ‘im fine with being the side character’ or how she’s said she doesnt care what happens to her and would gladly sacrifice(?) herself if there werent other people she had to protect. girl u need therapy urself <3

* though very open with how she feels and never afraid to say when someone/something is upsetting her, ‘opening up’ is still a whole mountain climb for her, apparently. like, she’d rant about the egg, get mad at the eggpire, let off some steam by committing arson or exploding stuff, she’ll rarely ever talk about how much the stuff that upset her actually HURT her. does that make sense? LIKE, she’ll lash out, she’ll get mad, she’ll take NO SHIT thrown at her face, but to show the kinda vulnerability of dealing with that? to cry about it talk about those feelings with someone? I think she’d rather eat her own foot lol

* adding onto the thing above, she doesnt necessarily actually realize this about herself. less of actively doing it and rather growing... used to the ‘cycle of violence’ in the smp as they call it. and the fact that rarely have people really asked, that no one’s actually available for that, w her losing her closest friends, bad and ant, sam being busy w the warden stuff... and niki. yeah. there’s foolish, but i doubt she’d ever see venting to someone she considers her son appealing

* also. puffy is just sometimes... really bad at conveying sadness. i think she’s a rare crier. id go as far to say that shes even more emotionally constipated than dream, lol (but maybe not while the guy’s in his prison arc) and that she’d be the type of person to tell you its okay to cry but beat herself up over something if she let a tear slip in a heated moment

* speaking of sadness. she’ll only ever actually Be Sad if she’s alone or with someone she doesnt necessarily care the opinions of. yknow how she mourned for tommy and blamed herself? those dialogue bits? yeah, those are only times shed actually be vulnerable

* puffy’s go to response to the egg and how its fucked up her relationship w her friends is pure fury. but, going off of her line about ‘failing bad and ant’ i like to think that she probably hates herself the most about it. THAT IS A STRONG WORD LOL BUT YEAH. she yells and curses and gets mad, but sometimes i wonder if the words she had spat before were more directed to herself

* THIS GIRL HAS SELF-IDENTITY PROBLEMS. CAN WE GET A HELL YEAH FOR THAT CHAT? outside of having no goddamn clue about where she came from, how she got here and who she even is, scrounging up a role for herself in a server with a war on the background and traumatized kids got her resignedly coerced into thinking that she is only a Parent. Only good enough when she’s actually doing something Useful for people. SO. when she finds that ship? of having a crew and having a curse? OF FINDING OUT SHE MIGHT HAVE/ HAVE HAD A MOM THATS WAITING FOR HER?  the sense of control she has on herself is absolutely crushed. shattered, and she’s left to pick up the pieces w no one to talk abt it with <3

* adding onto the above, it’s why the line ‘I’m supposed to be mama puffy. me.’ hurts me so much! so yes! please cry with me :D

* also to add more on the fact that she thinks she’s only worth something when she’s being useful, puffy literally contemplated leaving the server, thinking that it wouldnt matter leaving since no one really needs her anyway, since she’s failed so many people. bad and ant, tommy, dream. shes said how foolish can take care of himself on how tubbo and ranboo have each other, how she and niki have drifted so far away from each that it might as well be a break up.

HOOOOOOOOOO OBOY . anon youve really given me the perfect chance to ramble huh? sorry for the rather incomprehensible brainrot, here’s more lighthearted headcanons about puffy asdhfkd

* she cannot stand still sometimes. she always has to be doing something extra, walking when the prime path is right there? shed rather go through tedious little holes or hop and balance onto fences to get where shes going. she’ll mindlessly fix up the path when there are holes or mismatched wood, and one time went on a long, long LONG journey cleaning up the paths tommy purposely DESTROYED near lmanburg and even added cobblestone sidings which werent there before

* puffys a bit of a sentimental person. writing in her log to clear her thoughts sometimes and cared enough to try and preserve lmanburg with the glass sheet and trying to find possible surviving artifacts of history to respect it, even though she’s never been a part of it. its also why, when doomsday happened and lmanburg got permanently poofed, she began to appreciate the buildings that are still standing and began taking more pics 

* she’s not used to being... what do you call it, um, cared for? she’d deflect compliments sometimes, when shes having a particular bad day, like, she’d laugh nervously and change the subject, sometimes she’d outright deny it, most days she’d jokingly say ‘staphhh it’ and add a very genuine thanks. my point being is, do something for puffy that is mildly nice and she’d keep that moment in her heart forever. 

* also funny story regarding the above. u know how karl is notorious for stealing her materials? and how puffy was contemplating doing something in retaliation for them? karl says hi for once when she joins the server and she goes ‘alright fine youre safe for saying hi’ LOL THIS WAS PROBABLY A BIT META WISE but something about this implying that the bare minimum or LESS is enough to make puffy forgive someone is very sad and funny at the same time for me. girl really said ‘oh you said hi to me? thats nice all the crimes youve ever done towards me is now forgiven. <3’ (this is a bit of an exaggeration on my part, ofc, i just think its funny LMAO) 

* ironically, despite being the ‘captain’, whenever riding a boat with someone, she prefers being on the backseat and letting them drive. ig shes just there for the ride i suppose, her and her uber drivers :3

 * she either has a rather unhealthy obsession with baked potatoes or she just doesnt wanna waste eret’s massive potato farm

* idc what cc!puffy says is c!puffy will always and forever be 5′2″ in my HEART. u are the shortest member, u cannot change this <3

* shes really fond of animals/ neutral mobs. she often baby talks to them and they help boost her mood a lot when shes having a bad day :D

* up to this day, the little secret rooms she’s created around the server have all been yet to be discovered, unless the one under bad’s house has been found. she rarely ever really keeps tabs on them, and more often than not they are just collecting dust. she still visits sometimes and cleans them up ofc

* she still genuinely thinks dream can change. cc!puffy’s line about that, ‘i’m his last hope.’ really makes me think about this a lot. 

* ive seen people talk abt it a bit but the headcanon that puffy acts as the server mom to fill the ‘void’ of her missing her mom makes me cry at night /hj

* she really likes her rainbow onesie! i headcanon that eret gave her that along w the sunglasses, but she started wearing that less when she found her old captains uniform. shes never really said why, though, and nobody ever really bothered to ask

* god bless this woman but sometimes the server members get on her nerves sometimes so she goes out of her way to traverse along far away from the main community to maybe commit a few crimes. let off some steam. these take a few days but she always returns

i probably have a lot more hcs but i cant remember them >_> THIS IS A LOT ANYWAY. HOPE U ENJOYED MY BRAIN VOMIT. IF U READ THIS FAR ILU THANK U

if there are mistakes it is bc i am crying and cannot see my keyboard and also i am sleep deprived /hj

[thatonesquintern13]

episode nine - the day the music died:

• “crazy moon tonight, eh?” brady’s not even the canadian 🥴

• the cops driving in the direction of your house is never a good thing

• even worse when they’re there when you pull up

• and of course elliot is already there too!

• “i’m afraid there’s been an accident” COLTON 😭😭😭

• AND BABY KAT REACHED FOR BABY ELLIOT FIRST

• brady is literally right there we love to see him lose

• sorry not the time colton is dead

• present day kat “taking a weekend” as if she’s ever relaxed even for a second since she turned 15

• “you two [kat and dell] are way too similar.” yes alice! i’ve been saying!!

• AND SHES LITERALLY JUST GOING TO ELLIOTS ASKDHAGDJSKA

• just a weekend of kissing and “a little bit of time travel on the side” 🤭

• she didn’t even run this plan by him. how could this go wrong!

• “i won’t believe it until i see [the lady at the funeral] with my own eyes” it might seem crazy what im ‘bout to say…

• baby kat abandoning colton, best dad in the world, for brady??? girl

• ugh so heartbreaking that everyone thought colton ran off the road on purpose. like no wonder dell is coping the way she is!!

• besties present elliot and alice 🫶🏽

• oh spencer from school is catering the theater reopening!

• (do we see this happen? i really don’t remember)

• okay yeah colton walking into a strange woman’s house doesn’t look great

• ohp colton caught present kat lurking

• “weren’t you… in my yard?”

• it’s grief therapy!!

• a man in therapy. can colton landry get any more ideal

• “i don’t know how to be a husband any more, or a dad. my son’s gone… and so am i.” okay so they kinda really didn’t care about kat…

• oldest daughter syndrome strikes again

• now why is present dell taking alice to the pond.

• wait the pond is freezing!!! i forgot about this!

• this also kinda gives ‘dell knows about the pond’ vibes. bc like what does she mean “take a cue from mother nature … and say goodbye to the past.” 🤔

• okay so what i remember from the s2 promo is starting to make more sense lol

• something about colton telling “rose” (present kat) “i can help you get back home.” 😭😭😭😭😭

• and then kat literally just gets to hang out with her dad again 🥺

• elliot always worried about the space time continuum

• i don’t know how it doesn’t click to him that what happened ALWAYS happens so obviously kat going back is PART OF IT

• which is also just. too tragic to think about rn but we’ll get to it.

• why are colton and dell always just standing in the kitchen when alice arrives 🥴

• but also she’s better than me bc if my friend wasn’t home i’d be like “welp guess i’ll be going then” not walking into their house with only their parents home

• granted, it’s literally her house and her grandparents but whatever

• alice is the one who underlines the quote in kat’s book 🥺😭😭

• colton and alice playing the guitar 😭

• HE WAS THE REASON SHE STARTED PLAYING AGAIN IN THE PRESENT!!! AND SHE’S THE REASON HE STARTED PLAYING AGAIN IN THE PAST!!! I CANT DO THIS

• playing dell’s song 🥺

• “those words were written in a better time, but they still hold the truth” they were literally so close to healing and coming back together 😔

• “goodbye colton.” “goodbye alice.” 💔

• and dell being there to comfort her in the present 😭😭

• i think alice and colton are cut from the same soul.

• okay i’ve stopped crying

• “elliot! here for dinner?” “i was hoping to get it to go. for two.” “for two? well, it’s about time.” literally everyone saw it but kat askdhagska

• okay so alice disappears from the past when we see her say goodbye to colton, or soon after he dies bc i think she’s at the funeral (will update this later), but then goes back into the pond at the end of s1… so where does she go!? if present kat hadn’t seen her since she was 15…. how is she in the year 2000???

• guess i’ll just have to watch and see 🧍🏽‍♀️

• mad at kat for leaving her mom but also mad at dell for giving up being her mom yk. like at least see her off to college 🙁

• “be there, el, when i leave.” “kat, i would do anything for you. always.” 🥺

• and he’s true to his word!

• elliot at the harold! why does the harold have the archives and not the library…

• also new guy SUSPICIOUSLY leaving town…. convenient 🤨

• “i don’t think ill be missed around here much” okay what’s that mean

• dell and alice girl’s night!!

• “and i, for one, think you are wonderful, alice. i love you, sweetie. i just love you.” “i love you too, dell… grandma?” “oh. oh. wow that felt good. you have no idea how long i have waited to hear that.” 😭😭😭😭

• the pond wouldn’t let kat jump!

• see idk why elliot is freaking out. if the pond doesn’t want her there, the pond won’t let her there! everything that happened has always happened!

• she’s acknowledging that she turned to elliot first the night colton died 🤧

• “i should’ve kept holding your hand and just never let go.”

• colton is a Man in the sense that he does not notice that kat and alice both always show up with wet hair.

• that would be so annoying to me. would invest in a shower cap immediately.

• more grief therapy. you’d think kat would be like “hey should i…. go to this in my time???”

• oof colton has been sleeping in the basement 🙁

• “i wish you could all meet my daughter. she is everything i wish i could be. everything that dell already is, maybe more.”

• kat getting to tell colton that she has a daughter 🥺 he knows! he loves her!

• and colton giving her advice to cope with his death and that’s literally all she’s ever wanted!!! ugh this show is so so layered

• oop alice knows kat didn’t go away for the weekend.

• elliot, looking through the archived papers, “april, may… where the hell is february, byron?” yeah where the hell IS february, byron!! 🤨

• also “hell” number. whatever

• elliot and kat ALREADY fighting 😭 and he is making great points: you can’t change what happens and we know this, we can’t keep talking about the past. but also god imagine having the questions that have literally haunted you all your life ANSWERED !!! imagine the closure!! (not that.. kat will be getting any but still)

• “i need you here and now, in the present!”

• AND THEN ALICE COMING IN AND SAYING THE EXACT SAME THING OH MY GOD

• also the “i want to talk about our future” followed by alice coming in… okay symbolism

• kat stayed in the present 🥺

• and explained colton’s therapy to dell so she knows!!!

• “dad was trying to heal, mom. for you.” TRAGIC

• “but i’ve been just as frozen…. until you and alice came home and forced me to face the past. open up the boxes and accept it.”

• alexa, play right where you left me by taylor swift

• present dell and past colton dancing 🥺🥺🥺

• “you’re my home, delly. you always have been and you always will be.”

• OH GOD SHE’S REMEMBERING THE LAST TIME SHE SAW HIM

• AND HE PROMISED TO TELL HER EVERYTHING

• BUT HE NEVER MADE IT BACK 😭😭😭

• kat and alice mother daughter time. bc alice misses her as her mom, not as her best friend 🥹

• alice telling her she was the one who underlined the alice in wonderland quote 🥹

• kat doesn’t listen!!!

• girl that pond is gonna freeze on you!!!

• she’s landed on The Night

• SHE’S AT THE SCENE OF THE WRECK BUT IT HASN’T HAPPENED YET

• archived paper, “witness claims to have seen two women running through the woods” me, gasping, “wait why am i gasping i knew that already”

• ONE THING ABOUT ALICE, SHE IS HER MOTHER’S DAUGHTER

• AND THEY’RE IN THE ROAD

• AND COLTON SWERVES TO MISS THEM

• “hey kiddo. i love you, too. my katherine.” 😭😭😭😭

• I HATE

• but the show!! it’s so fucking good at this!!!! it’s so tragic and so complex

• anyways i’m gonna go cry

fin.

📺 | the way home

live blogging a season one rewatch so i can remember everything for season two 🫡

episode one:

• i hope this show goes on forever bc they clearly have a full story planned for this witch hunt

• honestly forgot about this private school situation

• dad’s suck!

• do we learn about the “one hit” orrr

• chyler leigh in glasses. that’s it that’s the thought.

• “fReEs yOu Up fOr sOmE hOmEsChoOliNg” hey why don’t you hush.

• nah bc these two are like… not even divorced yet and his gf already moved in with him? i’d set the fire alarm off too

• oh the one hit was last year’s showcase

• hallmark letting a “damned” into the script. big slay

• i do really appreciate that young dell is just andie macdowell in a dark wig.

• sorry but it’s kinda a dream to have a farm in ‘nowhere canada’ to escape to, alice.

• i love generational mommy issues 😌

• one thing about andie macdowell, that accent’s gon’ be thicc

• wet dog foreshadowing 👀

• moving in the middle of the school year is wild

• omg and a “what the hell” !!

• mystery letter 😈 (i only vaguely remember how it got sent so excited to relearn that)

• the glow-in-the-dark ceiling stars 🥺

• LMAO OKAY dell was wrong for sending her out in her pjs but it was funny hehe 🤭

• ELLIOT!!!!

• “you got a lot in common… what with your divorces.” dell that’s so southern of you

• “and me?” OOF

• dell landry: bee keeping age 😗

• fair that kat wants to talk about her brother and dad but didn’t she also…. like. leave?? 🥴

• “if you ever need to talk i’m here. any place. any… time.” very subtle elliot thank you

• ohp. guess that’s why i don’t remember the bracelet. so rose from titanic of her

• wait that’s literally how she gets in the pond ?? okay that’s on me then.

• baby kat!! (A+ casting btw 🤌🏽)

• i could not imagine sitting on TIME TRAVEL for over 14 years. good on elliot

• elliot and kat better get back together in like the first 2 minutes of s2 🤧

• baby elliot!

• as someone who lost their grandpa when i was really young, alice meeting her grandpa and their whole relationship just hits different 🥺

• no bc the 90s ARE totally back in style.

• “alice will be fine.” “jacob wasn’t.” he was 6, girl 😭

• the white witch 😟 (me: wait why am i gasping i already knew that.)

• the blurry picture is actually very clever!

• elliot just standing over the pond ominously 🧍🏻‍♂️

• idk why but i love that kat called him to yell at him.

• kat, he just knows, okay!!

fin.

[icecreamkink]

watched all of the untamed / cql in two weeks after my friend 1 told me abt mdzs a hundred years ago and my friends 2 and 3 tried to get me into cql for like two whole years and there are.

feelings.

very first scene is a very dramatic death in the middle of nightmare battle on sith planet land . i will forget abt it in the next tenish episodes and then will be very surprised when it becomes Extremely Painful

anyway magic flying gays and possession and human sacrifice! we are off to a great start

in retrospect, chaos goblin wei wuxian must have had a blast pretending to be so cRaZy and be as disruptive as he could as mo xuanyu lbr

listen. why is fire always evil coded. cant a magic clan wear red, black and orange and have flame motif while being wholesome?

For Legal Reasons These Are Not Zombies

i wish the politics of the sect were a bit clearer, especially at the beggining when the wen clan had sm power, was wen ruohan the chief cultivator? is that why they were so slow in responding to the attacks? im v confused by the pre yiling patriarch politics

fighting in the roof by the moonlight as way of flirtiiiiiiing. as i understand this is a wuxia/xianxia trope and honestly...... thank u for ur service

slight bullying and being a nuisance in general, as a way of flirting we love to see it

wwx: if i drink on the rooftop, thats not inside the cloud recesses! hmmm check and mate :D lwj: i will fuck u up so help me god   wwx: :0

i lov them

through hell or high water (quite literally) wei wuxian rem ains a trashfire gremlin till the end and i love him with my whole heart

in the pt subs wei wuxian calls jiang cheng a stubborn duck and i dearly wish that had come back

my opinions on almost every character goes from love to hate u - Hmm Me Like U - BABY. ILY. and i am Very Pleased w that. its been a while since i loved such a complete cast so much i think

no really. i WONT go into a detailed rant abt what i love about each of these characters and each of their relationships to each other. but i COULD. 

some lan disciples in the loudest whisper ever: YEAH THATS THE JIN BASTARD MENG YAO HEARD THE GOT SUPER HUMILIATED BY HIS DAD LOL SURE HOPE HE DOESNT TAKE SLIGHTS TO HIS CHARACTER TO HEART

lan xichen, immediately: i must Love him 

being into problematic ppl is in the Lan genetics, we come to realize

wen qing deserves so many awards for so many things but not snapping and just stabbing wen chao is at the top 

that scene at lan qirens class where wwx talks about using resentful energy to fight a violent spirit. exquisite.

 It establishes Good Student lan wangji, wei wuxian as curious and questioning and not afraid of taboo,  lwj sees that wwx is not, in fact, a dumb ass hes just a Dumbass,  shows us the audience (esp. a western audience) how shocking the idea of disrupting the dead/dying and controlling resentful energy actually is,  the theoretical foreshadow arguing, everyone else like ‘shUT UP’,  “and how could you ensure that the resentful energy would obey you and not hurt other?” “well i havent thought that far” and of course, lan qiren just straight up lobbing a hard object at wwx head,. chefs kiss

fellas is it gay to bother the hot rule obessessed nerd from ur school and make drawings of him with flowers in his hair and then hide gay porn in his book to antagonize him and ask him to hold ur hand and be ur friend and talk to him all the time and get him drunk and give him bunnies bc you know he likes them and give him a lantern and always want his attention and dedicate yourself to getting him to smile-

and after all of that wwx rly said oh i Admire him, aksd like yeah we all were there in high school buddy

i have Learned. caves = gay.

 accidental marriage +beint physically tied together with the sacred married ribbon+ gay panic+foreshadowing+bunnies! in the cave (1)

the story abt lan yi and baoshan sanren tho. i would like to see it

early days wen bros pull my heart strings like a guqin 

EVERYTHING about the lantern scene; disaster hets jiang yanli and jin zixuan; how wwx made lwj a bunny lantern. how soft and touched lwj was. wwx gleefully pointing out he was smiling and lwj IMMEDIATELY PULLING HIW SWORD ON HIM LMAO. tragically foreshadowy promises to do right by pepople, living without regrets. lwjs 'oh no do i love him??' face. just. all of it. 

i have it on good acc that in the novel lwj is explicitly Repressed Gay Panicked Big Horny which is delightful and rly Adds to the performance

 baby lwj is really just conceal dont feel dont let them know u have EMOTIONS (derogatory)

jiang cheng rly went "why dont.u go play with HIM if u like him so much"

jc and wwx have big BIG annoying sibling energy dont think too hard abt it or youll cry

lotus pier is soo pretty :((((((((((((((((

up until episode 13 you could think this could be a magical ancient chinese gays pride n prejudice w swords and shenanigans ................youre just not prepared for the game of thrones of it all

seriously ha ha ha i cried so much w this show my eyes genuinely swelled up . like. physically. fun timez fun timez

that being said, its hilarious that wen xu goes to cloud recesses like 'come out or ill kill all these hostages' and then DOESNT WAIT FOR AN ASWER AND KILLS THEM ALL IMMEDIATELY. do u know how blackmail works sir

 would like to make it recorded that from day one i was like 'CALL A GODDAMN CULTIVATION G20 THIS ASSHOLE SECT IS LITERALLY MASSACRING YALL!!' and it took them like 3 or 4 massacres to do anything and they STILL sent their heirs into their territory  LIKE

when wwx cites the gusu lan rules to wen chao tho. that rebel/attention whore/cutie pie 'look lan zhan i DID memorize the rules after all' ‘also a big fuck you to the wen sect :D :D’ sweet spot that scene achieves . delicious

all the cultivator young masters being petty af even though they are practically prisoners at the cave is hilarious and i love them

hurt and comfort + gay mistunderstandings + watsonian gay declaration music + accidental evil acquisition! at the cave (2)

its like where do i start? the fact theyre both trapped and kind of heavily injured inside an isolated cave with a murder turtle? wwx gay panicking lwj into coughing up bad blood? lwj being jealous as wwx babbles abt mianmian? telling him he shouldnt play with people and wwx saying he never played him? wwx going Oh. I See what is happening. YOU like mianmian, and lwj absolute done face ??? (iconic) wwx touching the sacred married ribbon Again? the telepathic communication? the sword? WEI WUXIAN ASKING LAN WANGJI TO SING TO HIM AS HE IS PASSING OUT AND LWJ SINGING HIM. THE SONG. HE WROTE. FOR WWX. AND THAT HE CALLED. THEIR SHIP NAME????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

they are SO insufferable pleeeeease

in the words of my friend 1 : “CQL is so gay we were all amazed how it got past the censors Ofc unfortunately it can't be novel level gay But they did their best And we love them for it”

in the theme of songs THIS OST. WUJI HAS BEEN LIVING IN MY MIND RENT FREE SINCE I FIRST HEARD IT the whole ost is so so sO beautiful.

 the costuming in this is also soooo exquisite. the embroidery? the fabrics? the details? how every sect and clan has a distinct style and architecture? (also ik they based each off of dif periods in chinese history which is REALLY fucking cool) just chefs kiss

the direction too!. i enjoy the unusual camera movements and i think they give it that Vibe, also their composition is PARTICULARLY good when it comes to telling the subtext through position of camera/position of character (like nhs off to the side in scenes he at first glance doesnt need to be/ how lwj is often centered when hes Jealous Yearning at wwx being affectionate w other ppl, wwx return from burial mounds etc)

ik madam yu is like Badass Milf Check and shes not getting any mom of the year awards but im delighted at how messy she is. IMAGINE that woman on tiktok

you better have enjoyed gay cave (2) bc its Just Pain from here on out! 

jiang fengmian and madame yu win the Most Dramatic Way to show they do care about each other, actually ..... ever :)

i thought jiang yanli jiang cheng and wei wuxian forcing themselves to escape yunmeng barely holding on after their parents are killed was going to be the height of pain in this show. ha. 

the family dynamics in general on this showwwww, both blood/ adopted/ found families, brotherly bonds and lifelong friendships just. rly. truly. fucked me up. theyre all so important and complicated and well rounded and beautiful and tragic

and beyond being a Win For the Gays im so glad the relationships w wwx and jiang yanli/ wen qing were NOT changed from platonic bc they are so much better like that imo. like maybe if we didnt Live In A Society it wouldnt be so, but the fact wwx and others can love and value them so much and theres nothing romantic or sexual abt it is like. so refreshing. especially @ jyl, with the way he and jc are overprotective of her and shes such a nurturing/care taker figure for them, it would just not vibe as well if they made it romantic

i love that this is a story abt Wei Wuxian, the Yiling Patriarch aka Actual Satan/Boogey Man/Village With/Public Enemy Number One , my dude is literally a necromancer who only dresses in black and has evil smokey black tendrils wafting out of him, but the really edgy one is still jiang cheng, pastel purple fashion icon

and speaking of best/worst siblings wei wuxian and jiang cheng *immediately starts crying* 

The Golden Core Transfer i just. no thots only tears 

wen qing and wen ning putting themselves in so much danger just.... to help them. wn saving jc from wen chao. wq finding a way to get wwx to transfer his core. like thinking about the monumental work these two did to help wwx and jyl and jc... jyl trying so fucking hard to be strong and keep on moving and giver her little brothers comfort after losing everything... jiang cheng. losing his parents and his home and his ability to do anything abt it and his complete desperation and lack of self worth and turning on them with agression  when he didnt realize all that they did for him ... hhhhhhhhhhhhh

me, pointing at the whole cast “i just LOVE them mom!!!”

its sad tho, that BARELY ANY of the women have like.... actual important conversations let alone relationships with each other at all in the story. and like wq and jyl have stayed at the same place for extended periods of time, where wq actively took care of her TWICE,  and still! not one measly convo, nothing! ................ .𝓌ₕᵧ

everyone in this show need a good sip of Self Worth and Stop Sacrificing Yourself juice 

ngl the sword flying looks very dumb 

“a-cheng, please bring a-xian back.” “i will, i promise.” ;-;

the whole calling each other by the More Intimate Version of the name, first as teasing and later as true intimacy. mmmhmmm yes

untamed where everythings the same but wwx evil flute song is eoeo

related that scene when wwx comes back from the burial mounds for the first time w demonic cultivation and he acts all formal and calls lwj hanguang-jun and keeps being evasive and distant and mean and soooooo................. facetious 

and how hes kind of desperately trying to keep intense lwj at bay (A FIRST) and avoiding actually talking to either of them and its all tension ughhh and then he MOCKS his and lwjs relationship, he jokes w him in this like... mean echo of their usual ~banter~ oof 

 and like!!! uncertain but so relieved jc who just HUGS him w no reservations for once and its not like he isnt just as worried as lwj abt wwx and what hes doing, but he chooses in that moment to enjoy getting him back first and mmhmMMMmMm yes (maybe my favorite scene in the whole show? MAYBE SO. ) 

highkey hurt me but also. i might be into mean wwx. i will take no criticism.

lan zhans sad eyes tho :((((((((( 

on one hand i wish we could have seen what happened at the burial mounds but on the other the timeskip adds so much flair to his return so im hnnn

also i love that hes been missing for 3 months reappears kinda melancholic and bloodthirsty and knowing malign tricks and jc is like 'so. are u sad bc of lan wangji'

when ur bae survived the war but he thinks ur evil/ might be evil so you cant kiss :///

hmmm talking at the rooftop under the moonlight not mentioning everything that stands between usssss

they are the two jades of lan and we’ll be the two heroes of yunmeng is the type of line u dont even need to know whats gonna happen to know thats gonna be sad

when they fight wen ruoshan at the nightless city i thought that was the battle we see at the first ep and its not and its so easy and theyre all like ‘yayy we won go wwx!’ i was just. SCREAMS WHAT is gonna HAPPEN

so like. post burial mounds/sunshot campaign pre yiling patriarch wwx is like. ultra arrogant, ultra mocking, peak lil shit and it gave me e v e r y t h i n g i wanted

even tho having the wen prisoners at the targets at phoenix mountain and still having wwx and jzx shooting the arrows was???? so.... tone deaf 

wwx: fucking w demonic energy   jyl: he has never done anything wrong in his life, ever <3 <3 (mood)

the parallels between meng yao/wei wuxian (and even xue yang a bit?) are Seen and they are Valid

wwx post burial mounds: can yall SHUT UP abt the goddamn sword (suibian left the chat)

LIKE truly, we talk abt the angst and yearning with wangxian. but what abt wwx and suibian. xianbian / xianqing angst and comfort 100k

take a shot everytime someone coughs up blood

zidian is simply the coolest spiritual weapon rip to suibian and chenqing and bichen and sendou and baixa........ but tis the truth 

cons: everyones families died in a nightmare war! everyones homes burned to the ground! everyone is traumatized! pros: everyone gets cooler clothes and weapons!!

wen ning and a-yuan and yanli bestest babes squad dont touch me rn

everyone: brooding and fighting                                                                wq and jyl: why dont you try some acupunture/drinking some soup and calm down huh? how abt that bitch?? 

showing the battle/massacre at the nightless city first was genius actually bc then everytime we have a cute scene w yunmeng bros and theyre like 'we'll be together forever! uwu' youre like oh. oh no. oh no no no. 

justice vs lawfulness vs means and ends 👁

jc: stay in the right path and practice the art of the sword                        wx: yeah thats not gonna happen chief

my reaction to wwx renouncing to the sect politics to help the wens was just that elmo burning gif in succession

the dramatic rain. wen qing desperately calling out to wen ning. the ghosts/puppets killing the guards. how terrifying wn actually was while wwx was controlling him :( lwj goeing after him to try and stop him and then he just; he Sees him and understands him even if he cant actually do anything about it other than let them go. 

“there must be somewhere in this earth we can go to :(((((((((”

"IF I HAVE TO FIGHT THEM, I'D RATHER IT BE YOU. DYING BY YOUR HANDS WOULD AT LEAST BE WORTH IT." oh my god oh my god oh my goooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooddddddd

also lwjs umbrella is white w black smoke.. .  . nice

yiling patriarch / demonic farming burial mounds settlement is like one of my favorite concepts. they an "EVIL" FARMING COMMUNITY LED BY THE VILLAGE WITCH COME ON

they planted TURNIPS and LOTUS FLOWERS and ONE (1) baby and made lanterns and a common hall :(((((((

wen qing and wei wuxian, baddest bitches and genius science best friends i absolutely LOVED to see it. they rly went ‘is anyone gonna sibling/project partner that’ and didnt wait for an answer

both wwx and jyl getting lotus ponds at the burial mounds and in lanling bc they miss lotus pier ;;;;;;;w

;;;;; wish jyl had actually gone into the burial mounds. we were robbed of jyl and wq meeting again and jyl meeting a-yuan and seeing the settlement and the homes and all ;w; at least jc did go, stab wounds and broken arms and all

wwx like... having thrown his whole life away to help the wens (yeah the sect leaders and jin guangshan in particular wanting his stygian tiger amulet was an Element but still) and not.... necessarily regretting it, but grappling with all of the consequences of it... becoming moody and drepressed at times, missing his family and lotus pier and his friends and probably simply missing being around people and causing trouble, extrovert that he is, lashing out at the wens and at a-yuan, just in general the whole messiness of that experience

the way the resentful energy does affect his temperament is rly nice bc its not too in your face,(i mean outside of the Shaky Hands of Rage) but like he clearly has a much lesser control on his anger and impulsivity (tall order) than both before bm and after hes ressurected

on that note A-YUAN BABIEST BABY BOY BEST BOY

lan zhan being like oh hey there wei ying fancy meeting u and our son here. just passing by u know how it is hmmmmMm and then PLOT TWIST having defied orders to go see him and being punished for it. oof;;

 they habent seen each other in like? a year? and now theyre tgt 10 seconds and are already parenting a child together

also lwj rly kneels down in the snow way too much to be healthy

wwx: calm down guyssss i wont lose control of demonic cultivation omgggg  .   spoiler alert: he loses control of demonic cultivation

did u enjoy cute children? good bc now the Real Pain Begins

jiang yanli and jin zixuan rly out there APROPRIATING both disaster gays AND bury ur gays huh ;w;

i KNEW jin lings birthday was gonna fuck something up but the GASP that left my body when wwx lost control of wn and killed jin zixuan .. . . 

im sorry and thank you aaaaAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaAAAAaAAAAA 

when wen ning and wen qing were telling wwx their plan i was saying NO NO NO NO NO NO out loud in despair 

also can we talk abt how wq is definetely talking about only the both of them surrending themselves but then? everyone else just surrenders w them? IT MAKES NO SENSE LIKE WHY WOULD THEY what would be the Point

 sometimes there are some pretty gaping jumps in logic and continuity that are just like                     ?          ?

wwx: oh so when you try to murder me its justified but when i survive through dark magic and murder all of you its a "war crime"

unsurprisingly, his most feral, most spiraling moment talking to the sect leaders on the roof and attacking them and even fighting lan zhan is among my favorite scenes... its like, so painful to watch but also   so       thrilling   (and maybe my wen bbs dying arose some resentful energy in me what can i say) 

and its JUST, all they ever wanted was to do good but then... war. and trauma. and hubris. 

jiang cheng on the ground clearly thorn between what to do and feel is a Mood, lets just say

i was already crying when jyl showed up, but if i wasnt-

 i suffered SO MUCH through this series trying to figure out WHY jc would kill wwx. and when i understood. its somehow not as bad as i thought and also MUCH MUCH WORSE

a look into my group chat during the last flashback episodes:

SO ANYWAY. after the BLOOD BATH and RIPPING YOUR HEART OUT and FEEDING IT TO YOU  the untamed goes ‘ayy back to the present!! tu du dud ud du’ 

literally it ends a quarter into an episode and then KEEPS GOING i had to pause and stare blankly at the ceiling for an hour

babie cultivators and detective soulmates . i do need some cute after All of That 

(not that the pain is over LOL)

lwj is significantly less emotionally repressed in the present and its delightful. hes just ALL IN with wwx. and not just in the ‘i would and have killed various men and risked my reputation for you’ but also ‘ur tired here have a drink i brought it up cause i know u like it and it want you to be happy, always’

“when everyone praised me and wanted my power, you were the only one that challenged me. now that everyone hates me and wants me dead, youre the only one that stands by my side.” hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhnnnnnnnnnnnnnn 

and just filling in the blanks how lan zhan searched for him. for all of those 16 years he searched for him and was punished for it and raised a-yuan, the only survivor of the burial mounds settlement, as his own in gusu......

and jiang cheng.  being the tough love uncle . having raised the yunmeng jiang clan from the rubble all alone, his whole family dead, some of it on the blame of his own brother, his siblings, his closest friends gone.......and only jin ling there needing his guidance. 

THE PARALLEL BETWEEN JIN LING BEING A LIFELINE FOR JIANG CHENG AND A-YUAN FOR LAN WANGJI AFTER THE BATTLE AT THE NIGHTLESS CITY  

great now i made myself sad

and like . the fact! that lwj and jc dislike each other!!. jc projects blame onto him for wwx both “leaving” him and indirectly causing their families deaths and when hes so consumed by it he makes wwx an enemy, lwj is there now? trying to protect him?? and lwj, who can never understand the pain that wwx , indirectly or not put jc through, but who was right there when jc tried to kill him and will never allow him to hurt wwx again. and how they like. in a way project blame of their tragedies onto each other while dealing with some type of survivor guilt and in their own way still loving wwx through it all???  amd in way its kind of fundamentally selfish but also tragically understandable? and like when u put it against the fact that after he disappears during the sunshot campaign they were looking for him together and fought together??

JUST. THE CHARACTERS. AND THE RELATIONSHIPS IN THIS. MAN. UGH. GOD. 

and like i think thats what makes it so good? its such a sad and painful and violent story, edgy even, but its compelling bc at the center of it there are all of these relationships and different types of love and hope and. :( i love it

enough crying lets talk abt wwx sleeping at the jingshi with lwj and wearing his under garment for a minute 🙏

 jin ling just has that Was Raised by JC energy tho lmao i love him

babie cultivator squad is the perfect ammount of cute and comedic relief while still bearing the weight? of the narrative in a way, both from sizhui and jin lings existences, and also. like. how do i put this. they feel hopeful? they were born after a war, they came of age at a time of relative peace, they dont hold on so closely to the resentments of their parents/father figures, they are specifically shown as more accepting and open minded. and its like.... Hope for the future  

one of the ?? things  i love the most is the fact that the main cast are often in situations where theyre hunted/running but they like. never wear disguises... just going around in their gorgeous expensive clan clothes and hair ornaments and distinctive spiritual weapons.... maybe w a straw hat on, just for kicks

wwx teacher 🥺🥺🥺

so this is why its called Yi City Misery huh

a-qing is such. an icon. im so sad. my girl even knew to leave xys dumb self rotting by the road but no one listens to her thats why theyre all dead or sad 

her and xue yang measuring each other up was so entertaining lmao

 its the funniest thing when hes like. HERES MY SAD STORY. FOR WHY IM A SADISTIC MURDERER. I BROKE MY HAND ONCE. 

like ok someone broke his hand in a horrible way, and like Poverty, i get it but also like.......... that lost the brunt of a proper sob story like, 50 sadistic murders ago bby

and i love that xingchen does not entertain that for a second hes like ‘not ?????? good enough???’ and the best thing is he wasnt even like 'u hadto be the bigger person' or sth but ' well then break that dudes hand back, rip his arm off for i care, what do the rest of us have to do w anything???” 

anjo sensato :(

xue yang is like..... the sexy sadistic evil version of a himbo..... a meanbo...

the fucked upness of xy’s feelings for xxc/ xxc and sl feelings for each other... like my dude literally gave his bf HIS EYES. and xy getting so attached to xxc .... the fucked up fake domesticity.... having him hurt sl..... then desperately trying to bring him back ...................... oof

song lan........... literally had his eyes AND tongue removed, his bfs eyes put in place, was almost killed, turned into a puppet by his bf unknowingly, manipulated by xy, sees his bf killing himself in despair.... and STILL finds the strenght to get up from there, and keep on traveling and helping people and attempting to fix xxcs soul.......... like, my man. damn. 

wangxian looking at songxiao and seeing an Actually more painful parallel for themselves. ft. that Color Coding. 

THE A-YUAN/SIZHUI REVEAL PUNCHED ME IN THE HEART but in a good way for a change

should have know that he would be the Best Boy the cute one w all the braincells

the butterfly AND the bunny lantern. i see how it is

u know is very convenient that no one can see the stark black veins on wen nings neck, ever 

BAT WEN NING 

wns face when lwj comes into wwx room like ‘:0 omg did u two finally get your shit together? good for you master wei good for u’ 

(they didnt) (yet)

DISASTER DRUNK LWJ. JUST. THRUST SOME CHICKENS TO SHOW UR RESSURECTED BAE THAT U LOVE THEM.

i have absolutely no idea WHY they gave lwj the same punishment for fighting his own sect/allies to protect the burial mounds as when they got drunk on cloud recess class days.... like? its such a ... emotional continuity error again

also is lwj gonna get an actual friend besides wwx , ever

mianmian marrying and having a family and a cute life after saying FUCK U AND UR SYSTEM TOO in a much less unhinged and dramatic way than wwx......... fills me w joy

also lol the idea that like. her husband not knowing that shes friends w satan/the boogey man/the village witch is hilarious

i love nie mingjue bc hes the resident Though Guy but also the most dramatic bitch in this show and thats Saying Something

jin ling cant have one uneventful relative can he

the fact that everyone present already knew “mo xuanyu” was wwx at the stairs is so funny, their faces are like ‘oh............ wow. that. sure is a development. shock” 

in the tradition of extremely loud whispers wwx tells lwj with twelve guards standing like one meter away from them: HEY PSH LAN ZHAN PRETEND IM FORCING YOU TO STAY W ME DO IT

oh my god oh my god

the absolute Yearning on his face when he leaves wwx and a-yuan at the burial mounds and refuses to stay for dinner was already Enough but the fact?? they brought it back?? to this declaration of love?? their expressions??????? strike me dead right now just go ahead

lFor Legal Reasons We Cant Kiss but we will have a very sappy declaration of love and trust and look at each other in way that is the actualization of 💞💘💗💖💓💘💞💗💖💘💗💖💕💞

also icb all the sect leaders and guards are standing there watching them say they like like each other with a dozen swords pointing at their neck

i enjoyed the depiction of the fickle public perception and how easily it can be used to scapegoat people. when the sect leaders turn on jgy and wwx knows thats its more for convenience than anything else...

poor lxc is literally like 'oh so when YOUR problematic boyfriend gets called evil its a misunderstanding but when its MY problematic bf-'

ok like i cant get over nmj let jgy play a song that messed with his temperament at all, like maN u KNEW he might be shady wth

wwx: “hey dont say anything bad abt lan zhan hes not an arrogant dick, thats just his face. 

ME ON THE OTHER HAND"

the cultivators as wwx is poking holes in their narrative is literally *nazaré meme*

"wei wuxian-!" "what did i break your leg, too?" not to be problematic but i laughed so hard

not as hard as "you dont have the rank to talk to me " tho

i Enjoy that, over the course of story, wwx sees that... theres nothing truly to Do, but move on. he saw how his arrogance and his mistakes hurt others, and hes trying to fix what he can, but he already did die for his mistakes and there are things he cant fix and that's. just how it is. even towards jgy, the narrative doesn't go gleefully and completely with "lets make THEM pay bc theyre the big bad" bc its not that simple, and it wouldn't lead anywhere but more pain...

re him and jiang cheng and the wens and kinda. isnt that what nhs did? scheming to displace jgy out of revenge more than any justice and doing so in the most painful way?

idk if that actually makes sense im truly just babbling

i thought the scene at the lotus pond would be CUTE but the context was PAIN again

jiang cheng finding out about his golden core and his conflict with wwx at the guanyin temple .... destroyed me but in a nice way kinda.... same way it destroys him look at his face oh god

and. the fact??? he sacrificed himself for wwx?? first?? and he'll probably never tell anyone much less wwx???? keeps me up at night

i havent decided if the neckbreak transition between jgy does sth super Evil or does he he does OR Does He yes he does O R does heeeee is sth i dislike or not

jin guangyao and wei wuxians most interesting parallel is that... theyve both seen 'hmm hey this system is fucked up' and wwx went 'so fuck it all i will renounce it and challenge it' and jgy went 'so fuck it i will use all of it to my advantage and manipulate it to my goals and whims'

the fact jgys mom was actually great and he loved her and his whole issue w it was more than simply being ashamed of being a bastard kinda got me ngl

never trust a dude with a fan.

nhs and jgy: the first rule to a convoluted and decades spanning violent revenge plot is to have fun and be yourself! 

when a-yuan finally FINALLY remembers ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;-;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; wen ning has someone in his family back and a-yuan has someone to talk abt his wen family and wwx has him back bc he survived and lwj raised him anD HES THEIR SON. THEYRE MARRIED AND HAVE A SON. UGH.

and theyre allowed to heal. everyone is allowed to try and recover and be happy

netflix put all of the 3 endings on top of each other and it looks kinda weird actually BUT I DONT EVEN MIND :’’’’’’’’’)

the gasp that left me when lwj says ‘wei ying’ and wwx turns.........

there was also a screen with ‘thank you mxtx for creating these characters, we hope their wishes come true’ and i might. have cried then too. maybe. 

that was . a ride. as is proven by this behemot of a ramble clearly i just really needed and Outlet. i am currently trying to convince dumb monkey brain to not consume the other medias of mdzs immediately bc i REALLY need to like. live. a life. and take care of real responsibilities.  *longest oh boi ever*