#my mom encouraged being a tomboy but not the label trans

[catwouthats]

“How can this many people simply vote for Trump in the first place?”

✨Gaslighting✨

And

✨Teaching themselves apathy because they have been pushed to the brink and are only focused on their own survival and think that this guy will give it because he

gaslight themmmm✨

[fallingforsincerity]

massive brain dump

it’s been a while since i had these thoughts resurface. Maybe because I had some more free time thanks to covid19 to think or maybe because it’s also Pride month. who knows. have a lot of rambling to get out of my head.

As someone who is trans but has not transition, sometimes you get many feelings and you need validation. what better way to get that but by watching youtube videos lol. There is something validating to hear someone say that your experience as being trans is valid no matter who says otherwise. Like how can it not when we all live in so different circumstances and environments. I get it, being passing to cis people feels good but not every has that opportunity nor cares. End of the day the moment some shitty cis person finds out your trans, nothing and I mean nothing can make them look at you the same ever again. Watching that youtube video, I didn’t realize that there are trans people out there that if you don’t experience dysphoria that the way they felt then your feelings and experiences aren’t validated. Like I’m sorry are you the gender police??? Like life is hard already trying to get cis people to understand and now I gotta deal with people who stand at the same side, who’d you think would understand the struggle, be part of the struggle. Like i’m sorry I didn’t get the gender handbook when I was born, didn’t know there was rules to follow in order to be considered trans. Not to say their feelings of dysphoria and needing to pass aren’t valid, of course they are. But doesn’t mean i agree with the one track mindedness about being trans. Because my experiences and environment shaped that. Does it mean I’m less queer or less trans than other people? Heck no! There is no lgbtq+ scale where you step on and you get a rating. like ah yes you are a 5 out 5 trans because you met all our trans criteria. Does this not sound like the stupidest thing??? 

rambly rambly rambly rambly

i don’t often talk about being trans....just because for me it’s kind of an uncomfortable topic. To the general public I look like a “feminine/ pretty boy” and don’t have to deal with the whole “oh you’re trans” situation, so for me to go out of my way to be out as trans to people I know, is very awk and makes me uncomfortable. Luckily because this tumblr and I don’t necessarily mention my tumblr to people I know, I’m not as scared or uncomfortable talking to strangers on the internet who may never know me in real life about this kind of thing. It’s pretty freeing tbh. I think the hardest part is because I haven’t fully transition that as an adult having to deal with workspaces and paper work gives me anxiety. The one thing I deff loved about being in art college was that I was able to live my life and because there are so many different people with such open minds, that I didn’t feel weirded out about having tell people my pronouns or minding too much about people knowing I was trans. But that took getting used to. As someone who is super closeted about this, it takes so much effort to release all that anxiety that is built up over the years. I didn’t even tell my closest friends and family until part way through my college life when I was finally able to come to terms with a lot of things. Bless my roommates who were so encouraging, understanding, and loving. I don’t think I would have been able to live my life as really who I was and being affirmed without them. 

Having to come back to live at home is a whirlwind of emotions and anxiety. At one hand I enjoy the comfort of financial stability and seeing my family, but on the other hand it brings back all the anxiety and forces me back to a point of life that I had lived before my college years. I’ve talked about this before, but from quite a young-ish age I knew deep down that I am a boy. Simple case, always been uncomfortable having any relation to being a female. To this day because I’m not out to everyone, I get so uncomfortable when someone goes “oh you are such a tomboy.” The anxiety and stress about fearing whether or not you can come out as trans and not knowing the reaction of those people is so deeply rooted in me it’s unreal. I just want to live a quiet life as a boy and not have to deal with any of that. Pretty sure many if not all trans people feel the same way, they just want to live as who they are and not be bothered by it all the time. 

Being Asian especially a 1st gen Asian American makes navigating being trans and queer really hard. These type of topics aren’t spoken about in the Asian community. I can probably count on my one hand people who I know personally who are asian + trans and have come out about it or spoken about it before. In Asian communities, being part of the lgbtq+ community is taboo. It’s almost seen like a disease. Sometimes I’m just so envious that my western counterparts have a bit more freedom in able to express or talk about being lgbtq+. Not saying it’s all sunshine and rainbows for them but like the way Asians (especially the older generation) act its like that doesn’t exist. Like there is no such thing as being trans, no such thing as being gay, no such thing as blah blah blah. That’s the struggle, if it is out of the norms, it does not exist. I keep thinking back to this one clip where the guy talks about how it’s not that they don’t want to acknowledge that it exist, they just don’t want you their child to have it so they deny it. What I’m saying is, this “taboo” of speaking of lgbtq+ and whatnot really made it hard for me to understand what was going on in my mind. I struggled for years to come to terms and even find the terms to describe myself. It was only when tumblr kind of took off roughly in 2009, when I first even heard of the word trans or bigender and yada yada. Having to navigate thru everything all at once was like a beginner level swimmer being thrown in to the middle of the Pacific ocean blindfolded and told to swim to America. I’m surprised I even made it to the land when tumblr at that time was a free for all, the amount of posts exploded, so different as to right now (which is kind of quiet). 

If I, who was the trans person, didn’t understand all this, imagine my environment. Not saying I had a bad time, just a very uncomfortable and stressful time. The one thing I found solace in was that in games, I didn’t need to present my trans-ness. I was able to escape who I was brought up and seen as (aka female) and live who I was in my games. I didn’t have to be labeled as trans, I was just me being a boy. I’ve mentioned this all before, but even in things where i used to role-play with my friends I always presented as a male. I hated the way I felt when I was referred to as she/ her when I was a kid, still uncomfortable to this day but given the circumstances I have to live with it. There are some moments in my life looking back that if I could change the way I had to present as a female at that time I would 100% redo that moment. But this isn’t those reincarnation manga’s i’ve been reading so live and forget, i’d say. 

Going back to being Asian, I’m very lucky that my mom because of her experiences shaped her to be opened minded, my father on the other hand while may be open to some things is still deep down the conservative south east asian. Though I’ve come out to my mom, she doesn’t understand me being trans nor does she really acknowledge the fact that I am a male. I’m always going back and forth with her having calling me her daughter in her mother tongue and me having to correct her every time and her saying no your my daughter. Shit gets fucking old real fucking fast. It’s a hell lot to navigate when you have to move back home. I miss my college life because of that freedom from that denial, freedom to really express who i am and able to figure that out in a safe welcoming environment. Coming all the way back to my point lol i’m just deeply uncomfortable outing myself as trans. It was affirming to hear in that youtube video I was watching that many trans people don’t want to be outed, that it’s okay to stealth because bringing up being trans is tiring. Like I am a male, i don’t want to have to bring up me being trans all the time, makes me really understand the want or need to be passing. Like do people not realize that if there was a magical change your gender button, we would not hesitate to press it? If i could had been born into a male body i’d be a regular cis male, no question about it. But life doesn’t work that way. I honestly, wished I had the knowledge and money back when I was younger. Maybe i’d be able to navigate and live my life as who I am earlier. Now i gotta figure things out, and present myself to those who already know and not want them to look at me as a trans person but as just a normal regular person. What a difficult matter this is. One could only wish. That being said still trying to navigate my way on transitioning and whatnot. Living in a dominantly Asian community made up of older folxs doesn’t lend itself to give you resources to access on these kinds of topic. When this whole pandemic thing and we get the whole nation reformed I’ll go searching for some resources. As long as I live here back home, i don’t think i’ll be able to live freely. 

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lately i’ve been consuming a lot of josei manga especially those harlequinn mangas. god damn are those manga one shots so infuriating like COME ON JUST LEAVE THE MAN, DON’T GET BACK WITH HIM. Every goddamn manga is the same, the girl meets the greek tycoon/ rich british snob/ arabian prince gets pregnant, gets her heart broken and leaves him, guy find out he has a kid and forces her back, goes thru misunderstanding for 2 pages, then kiss kiss fall in love. Like it is the same every god forsaken time and yet I still get all angry lmao. I should know it by now why am I still silently screaming at 4am reading these mangas. I know what happens yet i’m still screaming LEAVE HIM, DON’T TAKE HIM BACK, BE YOUR OWN WOMAN WHO DOESN’T NEED NO MAN. I find myself laughing at myself because I put myself in that situation when I read it and then I get angry when I chose to read it lol. If I wasn’t so camera shy I’d have great reaction videos and livestreams of me when I read manga. Cause I talk to myself a lot when I’m reading manga, it’s kind of funny. 

On that light note i’m just gonna end this rant. I’m sleepy and I think i dumped out all the thoughts that’ve been accumulating at the back of my head out. Till next time!!