#my mom buys has a fair amount of protein but if I don’t pack a good lunch

[silvercaptain24]

Low blood sugar is dumb and I know it’s my fault and now I’m feeling all over the place because I just ate but it hasn’t set in yet but man. Low blood sugar is dumb and I wish I could actually eat breakfast

[consulting-celiac-in-the-tardis]

31+ Healthy Junk Food Alternatives for the New Year

New blog post! Now that 2020 is here, I know a lot of people set goals for moving their body a little more and eating a healthier diet. And while I 100% believe that junk food can be part of a healthy diet (and have even written a post about why I’m healthier eating more processed foods), I did discover plenty of healthy junk food alternatives in 2019 that not only had less sugar, more veggies and protein or a little more nutrition than the typical treats...but also tasted freakin’ delicious. Some of the foods I’m including below have been mentioned in previous blog posts, but most were completely new to me last year, and are totally new for the blog too!

So whether you’re looking for healthy snack options or just want some ideas of delicious snacks to try in the New Year - that also happen to be a little more nutritious and 100% gluten free - keep reading to learn about 31+ healthy junk food alternatives.

Savory:

Crunchy Snacks:

The Real Coconut chips

If you’re looking for grain free or paleo chips that give tortilla chips a run for their money, look no further than these. These healthy chips are also vegan, and I love that these are thick and crunchy. As a bonus, all of the Real Coconut's products use easily digestible plants like coconut, plantain and cassava as their main ingredients.

Rhythm Superfoods vegetable chips 

Be warned - these vegetable chips are not everyone’s favorite, and people seem especially torn about the beet chips. However, if you want some crunch and to increase your vegetable intake at the same time, I think Rhythm Superfoods' veggie chips are an awesome choice.My top three favorites are the kale chips, carrot chips and beet chips (in any of the flavors). All of the healthy chips are not only gluten free, but also vegan and non-GMO. 

Beanfields chips

I’ve written about these gluten free and vegan snacks before, so I’ll just say they’re made partially with beans (yay extra protein, fiber and potassium) and addictively tasty.

Artisan Tropic chips

Artisan Tropic offers a variety of certified gluten free chips made out of cassava or plantain. They come in flavors like Barbecue and Jalapeño, but my favorites are the plain sea salt. These chips are also vegan and paleo, and have fewer calories and fat than the traditional potato chip. 

Saffron Road chickpeas

Saffron Road offers a variety of certified gluten free frozen meals and sweet chickpeas, but I also love their savory baked chickpeas, which come in flavors like Bombay spice, Chipotle, Korean BBQ and Sea Salt.

Green Mustache crackers

Biting into Green Mustache’s “Cheddarish Crackers,” you would never guess this healthy savory snack is gluten free and vegan. Green Mustache makes their “munchies” out of nutritious ingredients like chickpea flour and kale, and I love that they donate any unsellable crackers to local farmers for livestock.

Simply 7 Snacks chips

Like Artisan Tropic, Simply 7 Snacks sells certified gluten free chips with a range of different base ingredients, including chips made with quinoa and lentils. All their snacks are free of gluten, trans fat, preservatives and artificial colors and flavors. My favorite chips of theirs are the Original Quinoa Curls and Sea Salt Lentil.

Meals and Sides:

Real Good Foods' pizza  

As I've shared before on Instagram (the best place to see even more gluten free product reviews!), Real Good Food’s cauliflower crust pizza consistently blows me away. I don’t taste the cauliflower at all and I love that the pizzas are the perfect size for one meal. Their cauliflower pizzas are grain free, low carb and high protein. 

Right Rice

I definitely don’t think that you need to avoid or replace regular rice in order to “eat healthy.” However, if you are trying to increase the amount of protein in your diet, Right Rice is a tasty plant-based option. Right Rice actually made of lentils, chickpeas, peas and rice, but you can cook it just like you would at regular rice and serve it the same. It comes in many different flavors and my favorites are Original, Lemon Pepper, and Spanish. 

Trader Joe’s cauliflower gnocchi

For months, I heard everyone and their mama rave about Trader Joe’s cauliflower gnocchi, and the rave reviews were right on target. My favorite way to prepare the cauliflower gnocchi is defrosting it a bit in the microwave before finishing it off in the skillet. 

Mikey’s hot pockets

Ommmggg, y’all. Like I’ve shared before, I’m an ambassador for Mikey’s and while I love their grain free pizza crusts and English muffins, their gluten free hot pockets are something else. So far, I’ve tried (and loved) the Ham and Cheese, Cheese Pizza Pockets and Pepperoni Pizza flavors. This traditional junk food is given a bit of a nutritious upgrade by using plant based cheese and cassava flour. Besides being grain free, Mikey’s hot pockets are dairy and milk free, soy free and paleo friendly. 

Sweet:

Crunchy Sweets: 

Safe and Fair's kettle quinoa chips

If you like sweet and salty popcorn, this flavor of Safe and Fair kettle popcorn quinoa chips is sure to become a new favorite. They also feature quinoa for a boost in protein and are certified gluten free, as well as free of eggs, shellfish, fish, dairy, peanuts and treenuts.

Spudsy's sweet potato puffs

Sweet potato gets a sweet upgrade with these gluten free puffed chips. Made with a mix of sweet potato flour, rice flour, pea protein and other ingredients, their churro flavor seriously tastes like a delicious cinnamony fried treat.

Skinny Dipped Almonds

I can thank Skinny Dipped for making me absolutely obsessed with chocolate covered almonds. Their dark chocolate is my top pick, but strawberry and PB are delicious too. The almond base makes this sweet snack high in protein and fiber with just the right hint of chocolate. 

Dang Foods' coconut chips 

If you love dried fruit, Dang is another awesome company to know about. Their coconut chips come in many different flavors and the crunch is out of this world.

Bada Bean Snacks

You already know I love snacking on flavored chickpeas, but these roasted broad beans are equally delicious. These high-protein snacks are also high in fiber and relatively low in fat, and Bada Bean has many different sweet and savory flavors, but cocoa and cinnamon are my favorite. Bada Bean Snacks are also gluten free, soy free, non-GMO and vegan.

Foods Alive's Globe Trecker Trailmix 

As I've mentioned previously, I’m an ambassador for Foods Alive and one of my favorite products of theirs is this superfood trail mix. Can’t go wrong with crunchy peanuts and cacao nibs and chewy dried mulberries and goji berries. All gluten free, raw, non-GMO, organic and vegan.

Quinoa Munch

This healthy snack is made with quinoa and corn and not only tastes like a light, crunchy cross between popcorn and cereal but also offers some calcium, iron and protein. I prefer the chocolate flavor to passion fruit but both are tasty.

Bare Snacks' banana chips 

Bare Snacks sells gluten free dried chips made from bananas, strawberries, coconut, apples, sweet potato and many other Whole Foods. Their dried banana chips are one of my favorite healthy snacks before bed.

Candy and Cakes:

Free2B's Dark Chocolate Sun Cups

Now, these sunflower butter cups certainly aren’t “health food.” However, compared to a traditional Reese’s peanut butter cup, Free2B’s is a bit lower in sugar, avoids the top 12 allergens, uses Fair Trade dark chocolate and tastes just as delicious. Free2B also sells different chocolate bark (called “Snack Breaks”) that are also made with high quality, allergen-free ingredients and addictively tasty.

Alter Eco's Coconut Clusters 

This healthy chocolate snack only lasts a few days at my house...and I live alone. There is just something so irresistible about a chocolatey treat that also has the crunch of toasted coconut shreds. Besides being certified gluten free, Alter Eco’s Coconut Clusters are free of soy, artificial flavors and emulsifiers, and only have 5 grams of sugar per serving.

Project 7’s Gourmet Chewies

I’ve never been a huge Skittles person, but I do love having a few of Project 7 Gouet Chewies with my night snack. These are chewy candies with a slightly crunchy exterior that are made with no artificial flavors, colors or preservatives. They’re also gluten free (of course), non-GMO, organic and made in the US.

Nibmor

I’ve stumbled upon tons of delicious, healthier chocolate brands over the years (if you want me to write a round up of just those, let me know in the comments!), but Nib Mor is the brand that can now always be found in my parents’ pantry. Their chocolate is certified gluten free and vegan, organic, non-GMO and Rainforest Alliance certified. My Mom’s go-to buy is the Extreme Dark Chocolate, which is 80% cacao and features crunchy cacao nibs for extra antioxidants.

Rule Breaker Snacks

Who knew that gluten free brownies and blondies made with chickpeas could taste so good!?! Rule Breaker Snacks’ desserts are also vegan and nut free, and come in several flavors. My top two choices are the Birthday Cake Blondies and Deep Chocolate Brownies, and I appreciate how big the chocolate chunks always are.

Veggies Made Great

It is seriously amazing that the gluten free muffins from Veggies Made Great have vegetables as the two first ingredients. You don’t taste the carrots or zucchini at all, and these muffins (particularly the double chocolate and banana chocolate chip flavors) are especially delicious popped into the microwave for a few seconds. These veggie-packed muffins do contain eggs but are free of gluten, soy, peanuts and tree nuts.

Julie's Real Carmel Vanilla Blondie Mix

I couldn't resist sharing an amazing product from another company I love and serve as an ambassador for: Julies Real. They only recently released their paleo blondie and brownie mixes, and they are seriously some of the tastiest gluten free baking mixes I’ve ever tried. Plus, the mixes are certified gluten free, non-GMO, organic, paleo and free of dairy, soy, peanuts, cane sugar, flavorings and extracts. The instructions on the back of the baking mixes do call for an egg and a good amount of nut butter, but I’ve made these baking mixes vegan and lower fat as well by instead using one ripe banana, one vegan egg replacement from Bob Red Mill and only 1/4 cup of nut butter.

Soozy’s Grain Free Muffins

This was one of my last finds in 2019, and these paleo muffins seriously blew my mind. They are made of all-natural, unprocessed ingredients like cage-free whole eggs, almond and coconut flour and extra virgin coconut oil. Plus, Soozy’s Muffins are certified gluten free and free from grains, soy, dairy, GMOs, fillers and additives. I’ve tried the Double Chocolate and Wild Blueberry flavors and both were insanely soft, moist and loaded with flavor. They reminded me a lot of the fancy coffee shop muffins I enjoyed before celiac disease!

Ice Cream and Cold Desserts: 

Wink Frozen Desserts

Since my last dairy free ice cream round up, I hadn’t tried Wink Desserts yet, and they definitely deserve a mention. This vegan, low sugar and low calorie ice cream alternative is def not a good option if you don’t enjoy artificial sweeteners, since you definitely taste them with Wink. However, I still really enjoyed all the flavors of Wink I got to try - especially Dark Chocolate, Vanilla Bean and Salted Caramel - and the texture of the ice cream got super creamy when given time to thaw.

The Worthy Company's Blendie Bowls 

This isn’t a frozen dessert per se, but the Worthy Company's Blendie Bowls are some of the tastiest veggie-packed puddings I’ve ever tried. Each blendie bowl is packed with two servings of veggies, eight grams of vegan protein and fiber and only eight grams of sugar. You’d never guess that there are legumes one this thick pudding, and while I enjoyed eating it chilled on its own, it also makes a BOMB healthy frosting.

Vixen Kitchen

On the note of frozen desserts, I wanted to mention Vixen Kitchen’s paleo and vegan gelato. It’s sweetened with maple syrup as well as being organic, and I ended up loving the Midnight Mint flavor, as well as Naked Vanilla. This isn’t my favorite vegan or paleo ice cream that I’ve ever tried, but it’s a pretty tasty option if you’re looking for a frozen dessert with more wholesome ingredients.

Eat Fronen

Last but not least - I talk about making banana ice cream all the time, but Eat Fronen takes banana ice cream to the new level. This dairy free frozen dessert comes in five different flavors that are made mainly of bananas, along with four or fewer other ingredients.  Madagascar Vanilla and Strawberry were my two surprise favorites. I really wish I could make my own banana ice cream half this thick and creamy!

What I Hope You Learn about "Healthy Eating" in 2020

As I mentioned at the beginning of this post, I do not think that people need to avoid traditional junk food or comfort food in order to be healthy. Personally, I lovvvve digging into a decadent full-fat, high-sugar cookie when I’m craving one...but I also love eating it with a veggie-packed pudding or using super dark chocolate while baking. That’s my definition of balance, and I hope that 2020 - and maybe even this list of yummy recommendations - will help you find yours.

In fact, my biggest hope for and goal of this post is to expose people to brands that might make it a lil’ easier to eat more vegetables and protein or less sugar. And if you are starting a new lifestyle like paleo or vegan, or need to avoid allergens like gluten, dairy, soy or nuts, this list should give you more ideas on what food options are really available for you, too. So whether eating a bit healthier is a goal you want to set in the new year or you just scrolled for the foodporn, I hope you’re taking away whatever tidbits of information will help you craft an even yummier new year! Have you heard of or tried any of these products before? Which are your favorites...or which do you want to try first?

via Blogger https://ift.tt/2FdeuaQ

[plotbunnyshipper]

Fundamental Cracks - Chapters 23 & 24

Ao3 Fundamental Cracks

Just need it in a fast reference window that my tablet won’t hate.

My mug is perched on the table, steam lazily dancing an irresistibly seductive siren’s call to me. My muscles ache as I wheel over to it, blowing over the rim and taking a test sip. Mmmm. I was up most of the night trying to force stubborn toes to obey my will. The battle was lost, but it doesn’t mean I won’t repeat it tonight.

“So, yesterday-” His voice is far too bright and cheerful for this early. Usually he’s on a run or off early to the office, and I get my caffeine fix in peace. Stupid Mondays!

“No talking before coffee.”

He rolls his eyes like I’m the crazy one, sliding a plate in front of me. I eye the eggs warily. “You need the protein.” Slices of fruit, toast, then a small bowl of yogurt are not so stealthily added.

“Stop, enough! How much of this do I have to eat for you to not frown at me all morning?” Or at least until he has to get to work.

He gives a bright smile. You haven’t won a business deal, answer the question. “As much as you want.”

Acting like a freaking Jewish-Italian mom with his food pushing! “Where’s your plate?”

He slides one across the table and settles in, taking a bite of kiwi.

We eat in silence. Around the paper I see him keep making subtle glances at my progress, but my stomach can only handle so much in the morning. Fruit and half the eggs are that limit, so I make the casual request for a coffee refill. As he makes his way to the kitchen I use my fork to drag his nearly empty plate across the table, pushing my own to replace it. “Hey!” his voice is sharp, otherwise silently returning with my coffee.

Busted. Nonchalantly I nudge it with the tines of my fork the last inch, not breaking eye contact and taking the mug, I dare you to call me out. “Thank you.”

He looks at my former plate, undoubtedly taking stock, then turns up that smile of his again, “If you wanted more all you had to do was ask.”

Before he can push any back onto the plate in front of me I mirror his grin, “I’m stuffed, but you should really finish that. You need the protein.” Felicity – 2, Oliver – 1. I reward myself with a big sip of coffee.

The under-his-breath mutter of defeat only makes the coffee taste that much better. “So, yesterday you said it had been years since your last happy ending-” He says it so blandly that I’m nodding along before the words click in my brain.

The mouthful of coffee paints the table. Oh my great Google-! I mean great googly moogly-! No, I mean- What?!

“Would you like me to order you something to help, with that?”

What did I say? I try to remember what I let my mouth get away with in that rather urgently stressful moment. No…oh no, no, no. I didn’t- Wait…did he say order? “Are you offering to get me a gigolo?”

He looks as surprised as I am, “That’s not what I…Do…Do you want me to hire-?“

I feel heat creeping up to my scalp, looking anywhere but him while interrupting, “Don’t! No! Don’t finish that! I mean, what-? Wait, that’s… none of your business.” My brain is spinning but no thoughts manage to catch. “Never mind, stop talking.” I shove, wheeling myself backwards so fast that I bump into a wall before frantically trying to navigate to the solitude of the room I’m staying in and pretend the last minute didn’t exist in the timeline.

“Felicity!”

“Nope. Wow it’s late, don’t you have to be at work? Better get moving, grooving, going.” I push the door shut behind me, listening for sounds from the main area.

}]}———}>

Hours later my toes are still refusing to cooperate no matter how much I try to coax, beg, manually push, and use electric pulses to force them into twitching again. So when the chime rings I’m not in the best of moods.

I evaluate the screen, asking the building security to leave the blandly logoed box addressed to me out there. When the guy is gone I retrieve it, pulling along the packaging tape as soon as the door is shut behind me. Maybe the new laptop parts that were on backorder…? No. definitely not parts.

I shove the small bottle and other item, in packaging splayed with bright stickers proclaiming ‘For Novelty Use Only,’ back into the box. My thumbs move faster than my thoughts, barraging Oliver’s phone with a set of messages as fast as I can type.

FS: Are you out of your mind? FS: You can’t buy things like that!

Well obviously he can and did…

FS: You can buy them. But not for me!

Oh wait, maybe they weren’t for me. A glance at the label again, that’s my name.

FS: Ignore those x3 FS: Oliver, your package arrived. You clicked the wrong recipient when ordering, it will be on the counter.

I’m trying to reseal the tape, having penned over the name already, when my phone chimes.

OQ:  No mistake. I know inapprop but you wouldn’t buy it for yourself OQ: Same as what you used to like

Why would he remember that, it was almost three years and a lifetime ago…I would have bought my own sex toys, I have bought my own sex toys, just not…just not when I’m like this. I still have trouble looking for more than a glance at anything but specific features in the mirror, the overall ‘me’ still looking sickly and weak, reminding me of the numbness, the boredom, the reason I was there, why I deserved to be in that cell. My shoulders hunch forwards, no one is here to see my self-loathing, but that doesn’t make it any gentler.

OQ: I’ll be out until 6 LMN if you need anything

The box stays on the counter, dangerous as a viper, so I throw myself back into PT exercises while streaming mindless videos.

}]}———}>

My shoulders hit the floor and I pant, catching my breath. The prickling itch of sweat demands I wipe it from my brow but the rest of my body insists that laying without moving here is the better option.

The knock comes again and my muscles tense painfully stiff in response. “Who is it?”

“Thea!”

"Go away." The thought of her energy is no friend to my exhaustion.

"Open the door, I'm taking you to lunch."

In that case, "Your brother already stuffed me before he left..."

There is a wordless noise, and based on experience I can just imagine her nose wrinkling, "No details please. I don’t need to hear-"

You Queens! Always taking innocently intended words the worst way. "Stuffed me with foo-“ Wait! Say it differently, “Made me eat a huge breakfast…of food! I’m not hungry. Go away I’m busy."

The door-muffled voice takes on a whine, "You stay cooped up in here all the time'"

So what if I do? “I do not!”

“Liar, liar, pants on fire...” The knob rattles slightly. “Shouting through the door isn’t working, I’m using my key”

“Key?” Of course she has a key. Ugh. I start to roll my sweaty gross self over to get to the couch, as I hear the door open.

"I was thinking Thai- You ok?” She starts almost jogging towards me.

I give her a wary look, “Yeah, why?

Her tone is like I’m deliberately ignoring something obvious, “Because you’re laying on the floor?”

"As opposed to levitating...?" I start lifting myself up, waving away the hands she offers as help, "Your brother let you try to do that when he was getting better?

She nods, eyes darting towards the balcony. “Mmmhmm.”

“And you call me a liar?” Scooting over and transferring to my chair, I push the wheels to coast over and get some water. A long drink later, I ask, "Why don’t you invite him out instead, he'd love to see you."

A fed up sigh “That’s not fair. He’s not you…” The silence stretches and we have a standoff of stares. “Fine, I’ll pick up stuff and we can eat on the balcony. You shower, I’ll be back soon.”

How did she win like that? I shower in cool water, muscles protesting when a soft tapping fills the room. Panic edges through me, but a glance at the window reveals the steady fall of rain continuing to spatter against the glass.

By the time I’m dry and dressed it is full on storming. At least that means the balcony is off limits.

Soon Thea flings open the door without knocking, laden with big bags of food. “It wasn’t supposed to rain today!”

I give her a wary eye. She is far too like her brother and I know a game of musical plates won’t work like this morning. "Planning on feeding an army?"

"Couldn’t decide what I wanted and took your advice."

I told you to go away, not feast. "What advice?"

"I invited Ollie."

Darting a covert glance between the package and the containers she’s pulling out, my words are slightly exasperated, "Then why didn't you just take him to lunch?"

"Because I miss you, Dummy.”

}]}———}>

Oliver strides in, umbrella in hand like a magazine model, not a hair out of place or a drop of water on his clothes. A quick hug and kiss near Thea’s ear, I’m sure whispering something out of my lip-reading sight. Surveying the spread of options his smile gets wider, “This looks great, thanks for the call.”

“Well Felicity said you’d want to see me, like we didn’t have dinner the other night, and it justified ordering the extra mango sticky rice and nuea ping.”

He looks over at me and I quickly correct her, “I said she should take you out, because I wasn’t interested and she was being all…” I wave my hand in her direction, “Thea-y.” My eyes give a pointed stare towards the package, still on the counter, followed with an unappreciative look at him.

Oliver just grabs a plate and starts filling it, “Thanks for inviting me anyway.”

}]}———}>

He gets a call partially through his fast eating, the leisurely pace of breakfast nowhere in sight. Checking who it’s from he sighs and grabs one more big mouthful before answering while walking towards the kitchen with his empty water glass. The frustrated, “Today?” carries back to us. A vaguely agreeing noise follows, “I’ll be there in 20.”

Thea starts packing one of the containers that held the food with as much of the types as will cram under the lid…surprisingly large amounts. Those two really do think on the same wavelength sometimes. A couple seconds later he is apologizing, snagging the container, thanking her with a hug and a goodbye, thanking me with a smile, then after grabbing his umbrella he’s off.

Thea sticks around, pushing food and failing to trick me into going out to a movie.

“Go spend your day off doing more than bothering me.” She won’t. Thea does join in on part of my routine when I start back up after the food is packed away, but she’s not really dressed for it. I get a huff of frustration mid-conversation, as I start on another set of reps and a short while later she leaves me in peace.

}]}———}>

When Oliver gets back from work he practically runs in, by the sound of it, to change before stopping by my room on his way out.

A knock which is odd because he usually just speaks through the door, and when I open it he extends a thick folder. “I’ll need you to sign these by Friday.”

Taking and opening the folder, I’m confused. “What are they?”

“Just tax things, one of the accountants made a mistake and if these aren’t resubmitted with original signatures by the extended deadline on Friday they’re pretty sure we’ll be on the short list for an audit. Which is not…when my parents were audited it was a big hassle, and I’d like to avoid it if possible.”

I bite back a laugh at his frustration with bureaucracy, "Of course you do." An amended return for four years ago…documentation from insurance and the hospital after I was shot skim past my fingers as I, flip the pages backwards seeing just how many pages there are. Getting to the last handful in the stack, I look from the front page, to the dates on it, then back at the checkbox. That’s not right.

"I can leave them now so you can read over them but again, Friday.”

“They made a mistake…”

“Where? They should be able to fix it first thing tomorrow, but you can read over the rest and then sign the updated one.”

I pull out the paperwork for last year’s taxes and hand them over. “This, this is wrong. They made the amendments for the prior year, but then they didn’t change it back after you filed the divorce.”

“Oh…yeah, that’s not wrong.”

The first minutes back at STAR Labs jump to mind. ‘I need to talk to my wife. Alone.’ Oliver’s demand to Barry from what feels like forever ago rings in my head like a taunting echo. No. No, that’s not… “Yes it is. Oliver it says we’re still married, if you want to avoid an audit that’s a pretty big flag-”

He slides the papers back into the folder, “We’re still married” I just stare at him, surely having missed a word. “What was it you said, ‘Surprise’ and ‘Mazel Tov,’ right?”

My head circles on a loop of confusion, "But- but- but it’s not valid anymore."

Oliver doesn’t reach out, doesn’t touch, if anything he inches backwards to give me extra space as I push myself back a spin. "Felicity, you know me, did you really think I'd blindly agree to walk away from-, bad choice of words, sorry. You think I’d just leave this marriage without even giving it a fighting chance."

But…but…but…"But we aren’t...the divorce..."

“Was never filed."

But I’m…But he’s…“You’re- you’re my- we’re-?”

A hidden smile shows in his eyes, at the corner of his mouth, and the lightness in his tone, "Yes, Wife."

"Stop that." He’s making fun of me. He’s not serious. “It’s not a joke! I can get the papers reprinted from the attorney and you-”

The smile disappears into his normal serious expression, “Felicity, you may have intended for this to be my second sham of a marriage, but we’ve consummated it twice since the date the license was signed by both of us, we made medical decisions for each other, we’re living together... Granted, we are going through some tough times, so our marriage-“

“Quit calling it that!”

He ignores the comment and keeps going, “-is strained, but we’re working on it.”

I shake my head, still not able to understand why he didn’t file the papers even after I got back.

He zips up his jacket and starts moving towards the front door, “We can even go to Bali for our honeymoon if you still want when you’re up for it, but for now I have to get moving. So please, read over, I need them by Friday.”

}]}———}>

The next morning is awkward. Or more accurately, it’s awkward for me. The folder rests in the center of the table, over Oliver’s briefcase. So obviously he’s seen the signatures…because he’s right they needed to be signed and unlike a couple months of retroactive marriage, a couple years of retroactive divorce would be tricky, especially since these tax returns were filed, State and Federal. Sigh.

Oliver sits eating, reading, nonchalantly having done another big breakfast, a serving bowl over a plate to keep it warm. “Oh don’t you act like there is nothing to talk about, Mr. Queen.”

He doesn’t look up, “You started this, I don’t know why you’re surprised.”

I glower, refusing to accept that as an excuse, but waiting until I’ve had a drink of coffee before responding, “Because I gave you your ‘out’ at the same time I told you! The marriage shouldn’t still be valid.”

A deliberate sip of water, and falsely innocent query, “Why not?”

“Because you- Because we weren’t really married! Because if you had just signed the papers and handed them off you would have been free of me.”

Oliver interrupts before I can argue my point, all the thoughts that debated in my head last night are conspicuously absent now that I’m trying to use them. “Felicity, why would you think I would want that?”

“You said it yourself, it was a sham. It was bait, and I exploited it to get you what you wouldn’t have accepted otherwise but needed and we both know it!” My palms swat at the table, making the glasses tremble.

He looks strait at me, absolutely serious, “I told you I wanted to marry you, and I think you’re starting to understand this is real for me.”

Is this why he’s letting me stay here? Some stupid sense of duty? Trapped into it by an overinflated sense of honor and code of what’s ‘right’ for him? “What about your family?”

A hand extends towards me, but stays out of my carefully spread bubble of personal space, marked clearly by glass and cutlery, “You’re part of my family.”

I clench then pull my hands into my lap to avoid the instinctive urge to touch. It’s awkward, so I run them to touch the water, the rim of the plate, the tines of the fork, anything to change up the sensations. “No, the family you’re making for William.”

He catches himself mid eye-roll, and repeats himself, slowly, “You. Are. Part. Of. My. Family.”

I glide backwards, then towards the table again, the closest I can do to pacing. Do I have to spell it out? “You and Samantha!” He just waits, raising his eyebrow instead of questioning my words. I lift my hands, extending my fingers out, palms up, in his direction, with a ‘come on’ gesture. Gritting my teeth I force out the awkwardness…the increased awkwardness, “I have done my best not to be a distraction from your…” Reunions, hookups, courtship – oh my god who even thinks the word courtship? “Your family visits.”

He nods, apparently not understanding the air quotes around the word, “She drops off William, then goes and enjoys her weekend, or week, or…” He trails off, tilts his head “’Family visits?’ Is that supposed to be…? You think I’m-, we’re-...Is that why you refuse to be here when William visits?”

This is right up there with the sex toy in topics I didn’t want to have with him face to face, heat creeps across my cheeks and I avoid the fingers that try to bump mine, “I don’t want to listen to you catching up.”

“I’m sure your stepson wouldn’t either, but she doesn’t stay, and her time here isn’t…” he searches for the word and manages to find a pair that are more my level of brain mashing – specific but weird, “conjugally intimate.” It was a trap, because as soon as our gazes meet he continues, “You’re my wife, I’m not about to knowingly commit adultery.” His eyes are practically electric with anger, “Thanks for that by the way. Great part of your out that made me out to be the boy I was before the island rather than the man I am today.”

The jab lands and my retort is as defensive as it is loud, shouting across the table, “I marked adultery on my end, not yours! It wasn’t even real-real at the point you were with Susan! I wanted you alive! Alive and free, and I gave you a way to be both!”

His voice loses it calm, “Well you got that half right!”

A silence hangs, both of us obviously pissed with how this conversation is going down.

Think. Logistics. “Who else knows about our- about the marriage?”

Another couple seconds of quiet, then Oliver is the epitome of calm again, “Quentin, but that was your move. My accountant, our medical team.” He thinks while ticking off fingers for those just named, “Barry now, I guess.”

“Thea?”

“No.”

“My Mom?”

“Not unless you told her, and you will be the one to share that with Donna.”

“John?”

“Everyone you’re going to name that isn’t on that list is a no…” he deadpans the thought, then stands to pace between the table and the kitchen, “Speaking of names, I left it how you had it in the paperwork, did you want to keep your maiden name, hyphenate – I would prefer Smoak-Queen over Queen-Smoak if we both change, or were you interested in the idea of picking something entirely new?”

“How are you so-? You were- when they first brought me back…and before, when you were going in for surgery you were…” shocked, pissed, ”you didn’t want to let it happen, you were going to fight me on it.”

“Your delivery of the information could have used some better timing, better discussion beyond ‘We’re married. I’m forcing you into surgery and sweet talking the nurses so they won’t say anything, here are the divorce papers, good bye.’ Yes, I was…surprised, and angry, and that helped fuel my recovery, but Felicity I love you. I never stopped.”

You’re wrong, “You can’t. I…” How can he not understand? “Look at-!“ I fight the urge to block his ability to do what I ask, “Just look at me.”

He does, slowly. “What am I supposed to be seeing that makes it impossible for me to feel the way I do?”

Squeezing over the slowly rebuilding muscle I cringe and stare away. “Don’t act like you don’t know. You don’t have to spare my feelings, don’t have to lie about it. I’m damaged. Broken, ugly-“

A harsh laugh cuts me off, “Do my scars disgust you?” He starts pulling off his shirt, putting it and the undershirt beside his suit jacket, revealing the patchwork of healed wounds.

At least one large one looks very fresh, and I try to keep my mind on what he just said and not trying to remember what I eavesdropped on the comms and in their records to try and place its source. “What?”

The words are soft, a genuine query, accusatory in the mimicked words, “What do you see when you look at me? Someone damaged, broken, and ugly?”

“Of course not”

“-course not.” He says with me. Oliver crosses his arms over his chest, “Did you leave because I was a paraplegic?” Before I can get out my confused question he continues, “You’re using that as a ridiculous excuse for me. It makes no more sense the other way around. Why would you expect me to think differently about someone like one of us than you do?”

“Because I’m-” different, not the woman you fell in love with, a killer, virtually an agoraphobic, sickly looking, depressive…Stop, change approach, “ You’re…you. Oliver, you’re a bil-former billionaire, the Mayor, insanely kind, protective, gorgeous, and a hero. Even if they don’t know just how important you are to this city I’m sure any number of people you date would-“

He leans over, and I pull back, “I’m married, I don’t date anyone but my wife.”

That argument again, like he ignores his options, “You don’t have to! You can get out of it. Find someone-“

“This is me telling you I don’t want to. Our differences are reconcilable. I contest your arguments. I won’t push you with what you’re not comfortable with, but I want to fix our marriage.”

We stare at each other. I know what he wants me to say, just like I know I can’t say it. ‘I want to fix this marriage too’ and, ‘I love you’ and any number of ways I could agree or apologize. I’m not even sure I’m capable of love like that anymore.

Oliver’s phone chimes a reminder tone, and we both glance at the clock. He’s going to get caught in traffic if he’s not out the door in the next couple minutes. “I could stay…?”

I can’t force myself to agree to that, “No. You’re the Mayor, that’s important.”

This is important.

I point at the folder of papers. “You have to drop those off. Go.”