#my mind yearns to let your visions come to fruition

[mara-and-its-the-same]

hello there! I would love to read any of your thoughts/fics about Cal and/or Danny!

OR?! I could never pick between them, but for the sake of introductions let's start with thoughts because the fics are coming don't you worry. They just need a little fine tuning

Teeny thoughts/HCs for both below the cut (it's yap central up in here)🥰

Cal

I'm so obsessed with the way he talks, like absolutely entranced by his cadence and I love every scene of him telling some story. and I know that he'd know that, maybe not right away but eventually he'd recognize the look you give him around the bonfire while he's talking to the group is the same one you give him late in the evening close to the final page of your date nights. OH MY GOD!

when you find out he speaks french! i'm woozy just thinking about it, (i don't even care that i can't understand quebecois for the life of me) you'd ask him to say something to you just so you could hear the sound of it. even if he's gotten a little rusty since he hasn't has anyone to speak it with, and even if all he can recite are the few stories he remembers from his childhood, or motorcycle parts he's learned from the translations on the back of manuals. like a late night and you cant sleep and you just want the sound of his voice to relax to...he might not totally understand the attraction, but he's not one to look a gift horse in the mouth and if you're into it who is he to deny you such a simple wish?

and I don't think he'd be the type to be one of those "my old ball and chain" guys, like he's undoubtedly in love with you and in love with being around you as often as possible. so if you're home while he's working in the garage he's setting up a lawn chair for you to relax in, just to keep him company, if the weather's nice he's putting it out in the sun for you and if it's a little too hot he sets you up in the shade with a little cooler with whatever the two of you are into that week. and he's certainly not letting you lift a finger. not because he thinks you'll break something (which like you might, but who am i to judge) but because he doesn't want you getting grease all over your outfit or roughing up those soft, pretty hands of yours. he just wants your company

Danny

for right now in this moment, i'm all over the idea of being his "girl back home" like he's out in chicago with all these bikers getting into god knows what kind of trouble, while you're safe at home just thinking about him every hour of every day. of course he calls whenever he gets the chance, but it's never a sure thing with the amount of time he spends out on the longer runs. and long distance calls are expensive, but every time he does it's so precious. the few times you hear some new midwestern phrase or pronunciation slip in and get a few extra seconds on the call just to poke a little more fun at him.

the guys get ahold of his wallet one day and can't believe he's kept you a secret this long. 3 different pictures of you sit in the accordion folded holder between the fold of his wallet and he thanks god for the feeling he got that morning he should change the ones he had in before (much more,,,invigorating if you will), for these three that he brought with him too, just to be sure he can see all your different expressions every time he reaches into his back pocket.

AND WHEN YOU COME TO VISIT!! at first he's not so sure it's the best idea, worrying you won't like the guys or something might happen once you're there, but all that is secondary the moment he thinks about how long it's been since he's last seen you, and before he knows it he's calling you back and taking you up on that offer to get a week off of work and coming to see him. Once you're there he's not leaving your side for a minute, firstly because he feels the need to let everyone else know you're his (and that you are real, as much as Zipco and Wahoo tried to get him to admit to the pictures in his wallet being magazine clippings because what's a girl like you doing with a pinko "college-boy" like him) and second because he's missed you so much for so long and he doesn't know the next time you'll be back so he's getting every second he can with you

and oh goodness are you impressed with this new look he's adopted. so different from what he used to wear to class or out walking around the city together, but still it fits him so well. your knees almost give out the 3rd day of your visit when he comes out from his bedroom in a black tank top and his denim vest...and maybe you do feign heat exhaustion just so he'll take you home early on the back of the bike he's spent so many phone calls telling you about...just because the heat was a more internal kind doesn't mean it's any less real. or maybe the exhaustion was just that you were getting tired of seeing him look that hot without doing anything about it. either way he hasn't seen you pull him up his apartment stairs that fast since you first started dating

and not maybe, but certainly, your trip goes from one week to two to a month until the tragic reality of responsibility sinks in and you realize you really are running out of clothes...

[cancerjupiter]

astro notes: neptune edition (pt. 2)

neptune represents issues which are frequently unconscious, so all of this may operate without your awareness. if projected, the negative aspects of neptune become more emphasised. the more you reject it in your own life, the more likely it is that you’ll meet it in exaggerated ways outside yourself.

neptune in the 7th house

this is another loaded placement; you are likely to encounter difficulties in the area of personal relationships. there are many manifestations of this placement: you may look for a savior to ease the feelings of loneliness and isolation rather than taking responsibility by becoming your own person, you might wish to merge with your partner. if you become too dependent on anyone, they’re going to let you down one way or another. the alternative manifestation is you playing savior to your partner. hence, the reputation of this placement as a magnet to victim types (negatively: drug addicts, unstable people w a shady/difficult past, “artists”, wannabe geniuses and prophets, etc) who need a lot of mothering and cleaning up after.

wherever neptune is placed in the chart, a lot is asked of us. you often give a lot in relationships - often sacrificing things for the sake of your partner. some of you exhibit a kind of selfless, saintly love worthy of true respect, but this can easily turn into letting yourself being walked over as if you have no rights in the relationship. there is a fine line between authentic selflessness and tolerance and just being a doormat. your often idealized romantic notion of what a relationship looks like doesn’t consider the hard work that must be put into it. the yearning for perfection in your partner + the relationship actually makes you very difficult people to live with. unconsciously, you can be very critical and judgemental about the other’s flaws or whatever element they have that doesn’t match your notion of Love. soulmates can still argue about the way the other squeezes the toothpaste tube, it doesn’t mean the love isn’t very much real. ultimately, this planet should represent a non-attached love, a love that doesn’t cling or swallow up any of the people involved. somewhere between demanding others adjust to you, or always adjusting yourselves to others, is the kind of envisioned neptunian love.

neptune in the 8th house

if neptune can’t be at home (12th house) then his next favorite house is that of his bestie, pluto (8th). neptune’s major thrust is the loss of boundaries - what better place to lose them than in the house of sex, sharing and intimacy?

sex is often symbolic in this position; rather than just being enjoyed for its sake, it is the means to alleviate psychological pressures and concerns. sex is also a way of merging with others, hence transcending the means of oneself. i’ve noticed physical intimacy is also an escape from loneliness, and the promiscuity associated w this placement comes from this. some may feel that giving themselves sexually is also a way of serving. this placement is also present in people confused about their sexual identities. neptune is so diffuse and adaptable, so fluid and shapeless, that they have difficulty knowing what they really want. conversely, problematic aspects to saturn may suggest a fear of letting go - a tension between holding on and letting go (abstaining from sex altogether). my friend with this placement told me she always fantasizes about people she isn’t with rather than her girlfriend. neptune is never content with what it has. besides, if you know someone too well, their alien magnetism eventually wears out.

there may be complications and strange circumstances in the area of the partner’s money and joint finances. economic losses and gains will have a significant psychological impact, and could ultimately stop you from finding security inwardly rather than on the material world. in any case, you should seek advice for making financial investments. depending on the aspects, non-material forces can operate constructively or destructively within you. positively, you’ll receive guidance and inspiration as if out of nowhere and are well advised to keep up a dream diary, for they may prove significant to whatever you’re going through. you may serve as a source of comfort and inspiration for others who are going through crisis (david bowie, malcolm x, simone de beauvoir, etc); negatively, you may feel possessed - as if you’ve been taken over by something powerful outside yourself. you may receive misleading guidance from other dimension.

since neptune wants to go Home and the 8th house is the house of Death, some people w this placement may entertain self-destructive fantasies when life gets too tough. unless neptune has harsh aspects to saturn, there isn’t a fear of death, since the desire to transcend worlds is so strong.

neptune in the 9th house

both neptune and the 9th house have a tendency to need the “right” answer, there’s a possibility for an enduring search for The Truth (think Mulder from the x-files). both are mutable and connected to faith and beliefs. both are haunted by the need for perfection due to unrealistic expectations. neither is noted for common sense or doing anything half-assed. the thing is, this placement will tend to overemphasise whatever issues are valued to you. naturally, pisces (neptune) is square sagittarius (9th house), indicating some conflict to be resolved. neptune in the 9th is also a mix of fire and water, giving it a great emotional intensity.

there’s two types of you: those who will lean towards the 9th house and say the truth no matter who gets hurt; and those who follow neptune and choose to lie to protect others’ feelings. you’re pulled in both directions and will need to find a middle ground to satisfy your need for truth and others at the same time. if you don’t, explosions of repressed feelings will occur that will seem OOC for the people around you. you also must be wary of your expectations with education; being educated about everything won’t fulfill every need in you.

balance is an important lesson for you. you always want to go overboard w the next big idea; the challenge is to act on them practically and without dangerous disruptions in other areas of your life. examine your personal beliefs, conscious and unconscious. clarify your expectations about truth, philosophy and the meaning of life.

neptune in the 10th house

positively, someone with this placement can be drawn into a deeply spiritual or creative career, or maybe something to do with counseling. you’ll be inclined to dedicate a great deal of time and energy to said career because it provides you with an enormous sense of fulfillment that you don’t find in other areas of life. you might as well revolve your life around your job. that’s fine, as long as you stay aware of your choice and make the effort to cultivate some personal relationships and outside interests. you tend to be happiest when working - with something you love, obviously. you may feel a responsibility to contribute something meaningful to the world, whether in terms of helping others or creatively. that’s great, but you’ll also feel your work is just that, a contribution - a piece in the grand scheme of things.

you’ll be a great deal happier when employed, but you also need to feel you’re improving; you’re ambitious, whether or not you’re aware of it. you always have an eye in the possibility of promotion, for the 10th house is not only about a career but to success defined in worldly terms. this means an unconscious need to gain more and more, in position, status and salary. if this remains unconscious, you might let it take over your life. few people find lifetime satisfaction within a career unless it’s spiritual, educational or creative. 

negatively, this placement finds people who can’t find satisfaction anywhere outside their job. such person lives for her job, and expects it to provide for all needs: physical, mental, emotional and spiritual. they may expect the job itself to be perfect, and be miserable when it’s not. another negative expression is the indecision regarding a career, not being able to truly commit to anything. you want something big and important, something perfect (ps: it doesn’t exist), something better and of more help to humanity than anyone else has come up with. yet you often expect to accomplish this without any training or effort.

this placement might also refer to the father (10th house = saturn): you might think the world of your dad and wish to be like him or, negatively, you may have expected him to be perfect. some of you might have him on a pedestal and not accept the idea of him being less than perfect. or he might’ve been a strange figure; he might’ve been withdrawn, either a victim or simply a loner. he may have died or left your life altogether, leaving you with a fantasy figure, a father who only exists in your mind. you’ll benefit greatly by examining your beliefs about his importance in your life. you might avoid thinking of him altogether and the same is true of your career: you might expect far too much or deny its importance.

neptune in the 11th house

this placement inspires a natural caring for others and immediate feeling of bonding and solidarity with those with whom wer share this planet. many have an utopian visions and will join groups that promote humanitarian or social causes. you feel the need to participate w other in bringing their idea of good into the world. you’ll likely fight for the underdog. if some segment of society is mistreated, you feel it as if it were happening to you. some might be more attracted to artistic or spiritual groups. if neptune has hard aspects, your group might have big ideas but never bring them to fruition.

in less politically minded people, group activities can simply be a way of escaping routine. you could lose yourselves in a social whirl, seeking ever more interesting friends and parties. if neptune is badly aspected, there could be disillusionment or deception through friendships. you easily feel your friendship ideals are being betrayed. some may even manipulate friends by making them feel sorry for you. another manifestation of this placement is that your friends carry the neptunian projection: you might find yourself drawn to artists, healers, romantic daydreamers, or just losers lmao.

neptune in the 12th house

ahh, neptune at home. this can be a double dose of either comfort or dissatisfaction. the hardest part of this placement is the lack of consciousness about itself and how it operates. what works from the unconscious has far more power to affect us than we think. 

it might be difficult for you to think about your own values; they’re so unquestioned as to be beyond challenge. you think they simply are what they are, and resist any categorisation or definition. you can’t separate yourself from them. with neptune here, you’re less connected to the material world than others, more in tune with the spiritual one. you could well have psychic abilities. you never fully embrace “reality” because you’re aware, if only barely, that the universe encompasses so much more than our minds can handle. the danger is that you’ll come to this conclusion before developing any ego strenght. with ego strenght, you honor yourself as well as your vision; without it you’ll tend to be overwhelmed and easily terrified.

with neptune in the 12th, you need to take a long hard look at your tendency to idealise peace, universal love, sacrifice and service, art and music, and the spiritual path. this placement isn’t a problem by itself, unless there’s other contradicting placements or bad aspects. if nothing is repressed or ignored, it’s actually a fantastic gift. the main problem is the aforementioned lack of awaress of what your values mean and how they affect the quality of your life. my friend with this placement feels that death is simply another step of growth for the soul; of course she grieves, but she tends to think everything happens for a reason. i deeply admire her ability to live in touch with both the material and spiritual world.

[halynra]

At Last

DenkixReaderxvoyeur!Mineta

All Characters have been aged up to their mid 20′s

tw: slight dubcon, voyeurism, and bondage in the beginning. Oh, and FLUFF!

Minoru was sadistic, it’s something that, once you had discovered these sides of each other, he never bothered to hide. Sure, there was the odd night every so often when you two switched roles and you got to watch the delicious way he came unraveled beneath your gaze. But most nights, he was ruthless. It was how you found yourself naked, stuck to the bed with no chance at escape, and wearing a forced orgasm belt with tears streaming down your face, since he had left you to go do a quick patrol. Your legs were shaking, your clit was on fire, the sheets beneath you were soaked, and every fiber of your body was straining against the devilish purple balls that kept you “chained” to the bed.

When you heard the door handle to your chic, high-rise studio loft start to jiggle relief flooded your veins, your torture was soon to be over! But that floating feeling of relief was quickly replaced with ice when you heard, “Hey, Mienta! I forgot my doujin here last night…” Kaminari started and trailed off, looking to the puddle between your shivering legs, his eyes fixated on your sopping pussy; his yellow eyes met your embarrassed ones as you reluctantly moan around the ball Mineta stuck in your mouth to keep you silent.

For Kaminari this was like a dream come true; he couldn’t begin to count the amount of times he’d pictured you like this, he’d never do anything about it though! You were his best friend’s woman! But hearing your muffled moans, watching your cunt twitch and spew forth your sacred fluids as another orgasm flooded your body, it had him straining against his pants in an instant. He moved closer, taking in your flushed chest, before wiping a tear from your face, bringing his finger to his tongue to taste the sinful saltiness of your pain and overwhelming pleasure.

“I’m back, Y/n! Oh, Kaminari, what are you doing here?” came Minoru’s voice, somehow smug and surprised at the same time.

“I forgot my doujin so I came to get it, but I…got distracted.” The blonde man replied, heart hammering a mile a minute. Well, probably still not as fast as yours.

“I can see why. She’s such a good girl, isn’t she? Aren’t you, Y/n?” he said in a condescending tone, reaching down to caress your cheek with his still gloved hand. “Why don’t you take her for a spin, Denki?”

“W-what? No way man! I can’t do that to you.”

“Go for it, I wouldn’t mind.” Mineta says, taking a seat at the desk chair and crossing his legs, eyes cold and calculating.

Denki gulped, he couldn’t believe this was real. He reaches down, fingers shaking in anticipation, to remove the belt and your relief is immediate. His hands sparked as he touched you, sending shockwaves of pleasure through your spent form. He kneels before you, inhaling your intoxicating scent; his tongue reaches out hesitantly, and he moans when he tastes you for the first time.

Your senses are on overload. You’re thankful for the ball in your mouth because you’re screaming, and Denki’s tongue shocking your clit oh so gently had you peaking again quickly.

Your eyes shift to Minoru, searching your boyfriend’s gaze for what, you didn’t even know anymore. “Cum for him, y/n, cum for him and I’ll give you a reward.” That was all it took to break you.

You scream again as you feel two of his fingers slip into you and curl against the spongy bit of your walls, throwing your head back as your body excreted once more. Denki rutted his hips against the bed sheets as his face and hand soaked in your essence, slurping up as much of it as he could. Running the flat of his tongue all along the droplets found on his skin and yours, committing your taste to memory. Your mind was mush, you didn’t even realize that Minoru had come and removed the balls attached to your wrists until his obsidian gaze met your blown out eyes, his bare fingers scraping up the drool running down the side of your chin before removing the ball he stuck between your lips. “Kiss him.” He said, moving back to his place on the chair.

Your exhausted body cracked forward like a whip as your hands cradled the side of Denki’s face, your drool drenched lips meeting his cum flavored ones, slipping your tongue into his mouth as he moaned in surprise; your body’s pressing together for the first time. His shock clearing fast, Denki wrapped his hands around your naked frame, strong fingers digging into your supple flesh, familiarizing himself with every dimple, fold, and curve. The two of you were a mess of moans, losing yourself in the other; his crisp scent permeating your nostrils through the haze, filling your head with visions of tart lemonade and a soothing summer breeze. Your hands slipped under the soft fabric of his shirt, running your nails down his abs, bringing your fingertips higher and higher with each stroke; yearning to feel his hard, naked flesh pressed against your own. “Denki.” You whimpered as he broke the kiss.

“Patience, little one.” Mineta, said suddenly, “Sit.” You reacted on instinct, falling back on your haunches, turning your head to look at your love reclining in the chair. “Nuh-uh. Eyes on him. He’s your world now.”

You turned your eyes back to the charged up man before you, breath catching in your throat when you saw his cock in your face, leaning forward and flicking your tongue along his slit, claiming his precum for yourself. “Can I?” you asked, not bothering to wait for an answer, wrapping your lips around his head and letting out a little whimper.

“Fuck yes, baby. Please!” He groaned, thrusting his hips into your eager mouth, as you began bobbing your head up and down his length. His fingers wound themselves through your hair and tensed, pulling the strands taught against your scalp, causing you to moan around his thick shaft; giving yourself to him more fully as you tried to take more of him down your throat.

Bracing your hands on his thighs, you alternated the strokes of your tongue between swirling your tongue around the head, and flicking your tongue through his slit to gather more of his salty pre for you to savor. The groans and sputters of his hips searing themselves in your memory and filling you with pride. When your eyes met, Denki snapped, giving your hair a rough tug, pulling himself from your mouth. He took his cock in his hand, the other still fisted in your hair as he slapped his rock hard length into your cheek. “Do you know how many times I’ve thought about this? How much I wished I could touch you? To see you beneath me like this?” he whispered, as he pushed you onto your back. He buried his face in your neck, pressing reverent and fleeting kisses to the flesh beneath his lips.

“Probably as much as I’ve thought of you.” You whispered back, the one moment of clarity piercing through your lust filled craze.

Denki froze as his body processed what he just heard. There’s no way he wasn’t dreaming. Or maybe he had died. Maybe his last bout with a villain didn’t end in victory like he thought it had. He opened his mouth and sunk his teeth into the junction where your shoulder met your neck, causing you to moan out, your hips bucking up into his as your nails raked down his back; his moan joining yours in filling the room.

Your lips found each other once more, in a stolen moment of tenderness after your whispered confessions.

Mineta smirked as his plan finally same to fruition. He wasn’t an idiot, Denki’s been sweet on you since school, and he could hardly miss the way your eyes softened when you looked at his best friend. It was the same way you looked at him when the two of you finished an intense scene. One filled with devotion and care. Of love. Plus watching you get railed has been something he’s wanted to do from the beginning, and who better to do it than the person he trusted most in the world? He let out a shaky breath as he pumped his cock in time with your thrusts, stifling his moan to not break the magical moment he got to witness.

Denki had moved from your neck to take a pebbled nipple into his mouth, biting down on the tender peak, marking as much of you has he could, hoping to sear this once in a lifetime moment into your skin as he began to coat himself in your slick, not that he’d need to prepare. As he thrust himself between your folds he could feel your pussy clench, trying already to drag him in. He released a shaky breath, and looked straight in your trusting eyes as he slowly pushed forward.

“Fuck.” You whimpered, digging your nails into his shoulders, as he grounded himself in your thigh, the forearm by your head tensing, giving you a view of the veins that ran up and down his lithe form.

“Took the words right out of my mouth, Sunshine.” He grunted as he bottomed out in your pussy, causing your lip to quiver before you let loose another moan. Denki began thrusting in and out of you, slowly but harshly; letting you feel the full brunt of the force he was capable of. He knew he wouldn’t last long, you were his dream girl, and suddenly he was a boy once more; giddy, overexcited, and sprinting toward the finish line. He couldn’t help himself. Your every whimper, every moan, every iteration of “fuck, fuck, fuck” that left your lips whittled away at his resolve to be patient, but it was shattered to pieces when he heard what you said next.

“Denki!” you screamed when his thick cock kissed your cervix, hitting you with a jolt of pain before it faded pleasantly. He let loose a small growl as his hips began snapping forward quicker and quicker. You could feel every drag of his length through your silken walls, every vein and ridge massaging your most sacred spot, driving you deeper and deeper into your manic lust filled lunacy.

“Say my name, say my fucking name!” he groaned, gasping for air, for clarity, raising his hand and bringing it down on the cusp of your ass.

“Thank you!” you cried out, a response trained into you that brought a blush to your cheeks.

Denki stopped.

“Denki, wha-?” you were shocked when he pulled out and flipped you quickly, pulling at your hips until your ass was in the air and your head was down in the sheets. Another spanking rang out in the room. “Thank you!” you cried out, pussy clutching around him in a vice-like grip.

“Is that what you like, Sunshine?”

“More. Please.” Was all you managed. You could feel your mind slipping again, lost to you.

Your blond haired lover alternated his spanking, switching between hard strikes and gentle ones that shocked you in a different way, thrusting rough and fast into your abused pussy as he did. You were breaking, tipping, jumping off the last peak he brought you to, only capable of one long scream as your body seized, your eyes rolling back into your head as you felt Denki’s fingers trailing over your naked flesh, before he fell forward, caging your body with his own as he cried out. You could feel your pussy flood with warmth as he emptied himself into you, making you feel so full and right. His pace sputtered and slowed as he gazed down at you. He couldn’t pull out yet, he couldn’t let this moment end; he lowered his sweat slick torso down onto your trembling back, laving kisses to your salted skin anywhere he could reach.

You whimpered, turning toward him, catching his lips with yours sloppily, unable to keep your eyes open but a lazy smile unwilling to leave your face. Denki sighed, pulling out of your heavenly body, but only so he could twist you around, wanting to feel what it would be like to truly hold you in his arms. It was more perfect than he could have ever imagined.

You were in heaven, blissed out and satisfied beyond belief. You nuzzled your head into the crook of his shoulder, taking shelter in the heat and scent of his body as you began to come back to your own. You felt the bed shift behind you and turned to see your boyfriend kneeling there, and you smiled lovingly up at him. He pressed a kiss to your temple before leaning back against the headboard. “Denki, help lean her up against me, yeah? You don’t have to let her go, but she can’t sit up by herself.”

The two men handled you like a baby, delicately and slowly, as if you could somehow break even more.

“Hey there, little love, can you hear me?” Minoru asked soothingly. All you could manage in response was a low whining noise, eyes focusing up at him.

“Open your mouth for me, you’ve been through a lot, we’ve gotta replenish your body.” He held up a juice box, and you opened your mouth, allowing him to slip the straw between your lips. The sweet apple taste coated your tongue and began bringing your parched mouth back to life. “Slowly, not too much at a time. Here, eat.” He said, replacing the juice box with the tip of a chocolate covered strawberry. “I know nobody gave explicit consent, and we didn’t negotiate worth a damn, so I hope you won’t be too upset with me.”

“Are you kidding? I should be thanking you for this.” Denki said with a chuckle.

“I’m okay.” Came your soft voice from between the two.

“I’m glad, sweetie. Finish this juice now, and then I’ll feed you some more.”

“Yay, snacks.” You cheered weakly.

“You did so well, sweetie, and I love you so much. I can’t believe how lucky I am to be with you. You were so good for Denki.” He whispered, holding you close. “I bet you’ll be excited for next time.”

“Mhmm! Next time!” you nodded happily, popping a brownie bite into your mouth.

“…Next time?” Denki asked.

“We can discuss everything in the morning over breakfast, but I don’t think either of us are opposed to there being a next time. Maybe even a poly relationship, but that is a conversation to have when y/n here isn’t dicked out of her mind.”

“What? Really?” the blond questioned, his mind filled with images of all the things he wanted to do to you, and cherishing the thought of never having to let you go.

“Mhmm.” Mineta responded simply, handing you another juice box and beginning to swaddle you in your favorite blanket. You sighed, absolutely content and warm, overflowing with euphoria and love.

“I love you guys.” You said dreamily, your eyes already closing as your entire body began to sink into the mattress, darkness slowly taking over your field of vision. The last thing you saw was your boyfriend’s loving gaze, and a flash of blond hair before a kiss was pressed to your forehead.

“We love you too.” Came their quiet voices next to your ear as they snuggled into your soft body, adrift on dreams of fantasies soon to see the light of day.

[kotorirod]

"If Not For Yourself, Do it For Her” - Maruki Takuto x Reader (SPOILERS)

Note: I wanted to share this because OOF! I’m double posting it between here and A03 because HA! I share X3 I might make more of these concerning this girl who I have yet to make a name for, though I like writing it a bit as reader form instead.

If you want more of these, let me know! 

Summary: Maruki was set on the end that he saw coming, but words spoken and a reminder of a promise may be his true salvation.

Akira could feel whatever unlimited he strength he had was disappearing with the crumbling of the prestige Palace and the Metaverse. He could feel the bruises tightening up on his skin from where Dr. Maruki had punched him, and he knew the same could be said for the other's state. Still, he watched in pity when he saw the older man slowly fall on to his back on the glass floor.

He watched the man reach up to the sky, clasping something in his hand before saying, "I'm done... I get it now, all thanks to you."

The Phantom Thief leader was about to say something when he felt the ground rumble beneath them, reminding him that the Palace should be collapsing soon. That's when he saw the glass floor slowly cracking beneath Dr. Maruki. A second later, everything shattered beneath the Palace ruler.

Time slowed down around him as Akira pushed himself to reach out to him. He thought for a second that when he clasped his hand, he would slip away. Thankfully, he just barely caught around the wrist, now stuck grabbing the deadweight that was dangling over the near-endless abyss below.

He did his best to pull him up, desperation filled his eyes as he strained out, "Give... me your other hand."

When the older man looked up at him, he could see the transparent look of defeat in his eyes. The sorrow represented in Palace was accumulating in those orbs as Dr. Maruki scoffed, "Come on... I said I'm done."

Akira was met with a saddened smile on Dr. Maruki's face as the older requested, "Please... let go of my hand."

The younger shook his head side to side as he tried to tighten his grip. He would reach with his other hand, but he had to clasp tightly on edge to not slip over with him. 

"We're going back together!"

Willing whatever strength he had, Akira tried to pull him up, but he could feel him slowly slipping out of his grasp. Taking in what breath he could, he shouted, "Give me your hand!"

"Your eyes are as bright and honest as ever... just like hers."

Akira had nearly faltered and lost his grip when he heard those words. Like who's? Was he referring to Rumi? 

No, Akira knew who Dr. Maruki was talking about. 

As he listened to him, he could feel the fall into despair, waiting for the older man as he shook his head. Hearing the man's fears, Akira shouted, "Then you tell her that yourself!"

At least that got through the man as he saw Dr. Maruki looking up at him in confusion. Taking this chance, he pulled as hard as he could, which was not even an inch.

" You think she would wish for a reality without you? Is that what you thought she would want?" Akira demanded.

He remembered seeing how his older sister had been in the cognitive world. You had told him about a boyfriend you've met, even showing the ring on your finger, but even with those joyful words, he saw the ache in your eyes. 

The man the cognitive world had given you may have been the ideal man, but it wasn't the one you had yearned to be with. For the past year, Akira had listened to you talk about Dr. Maruki from when you met each other in Shibuya. He had been a bumbling fool, looking almost lost like you had been when you first came here.

Akira remembered hearing you speak about how he always seemed to know what to say, encouraging you to be the best you can be, and taking a step back when things were too much. He knew that barely a month had passed that you were deeply in love with the man.

...and the same had been for him. 

Takuto had claimed that there was no one else, but your little brother had seen the way he had looked at you when he thought no one was watching. Akira knew that the feelings had been mutual deep down, but it came to a head on that fateful day on New Year's Eve.

He didn't know if you had been able to confess your feelings to Dr. Maruki. Things had changed to where it hadn't crossed his mind until now.

As the older man looked up at him, Akira continued, "She's waiting for you! She's always been waiting! Are you just going to leave her behind?"

Takuto could see the desperate look in his eyes, seeing how hard he was to try and keep this small lifeline attached. He had admired him for this drive, one that he shared with you.

Your face appeared in the back of his mind as he closed his eyes. He thought back to that day, December 31st.

Dr. Maruki stared at all the notes he had put together on his screen. Everyone he had come across, each student and person he had spoken. Their dreams and desires were written on the computer. He knew that he could change the cognition of even those of the Phantom Thieves, namely that of their perception of Akechi so the researcher knew he could help them.

He took in a deep breath and looked at the clock. It was a few hours before midnight. He had time to at least relax before his plans came to full fruition.

That's when he heard a knock on his apartment door. 

The cognitive pscience researcher approached it with some caution. He remembered how the professor had threatened him, but there was nothing to fear... mostly. Shido had been taken down. Al the secrets that they've been trying to hide were being shown to the country.

He clicked on the intercom as the live feed showed you standing there, bundled up to combat the night's cold weather.

Takuto didn't realize how fast he had opened the door or the look of shock on his face that reciprocated yours for a moment before you laughed nervously. 

"Um... can I come in?" 

Your question was left with no answer for a short while until Takuto finally let you inside. You turned, hiding something behind your back as he saw your cheeks were quite red. Was it from the cold air or something else?

For some reason, Takuto entertained a little thought but quickly pushed it away as he asked, "It's a bit late, you know, Kurusu-san. I thought you would be celebrating the New Year with your brother and his friends."

" I was, but they were getting a bit too loud, and it was getting a little crowded in Leblanc," you admitted before then revealing what you had been hiding behind your back. You were holding up what appeared to be bracelets, the charms resembling as a lock and key. 

You handed him the one with the key while keeping a hold of the other. He was surprised as he stared down at the bracelet as you explained, "I wanted to give this to you on Christmas, but I wasn't able to reach you. And I was planning to just drop it off in the mailbox if you weren't home."

Takuto just continued to look at the bracelet. It seemed so small, but the meaning was clear. He looked back at you, your short stature compared to his made you almost shrink. He could tell you were nervous, worried that what the bracelet held wouldn't be reciprocated.

After a while, he finally pulled you into his arms and embraced you firmly. 

Why did you have to do this now, he wondered to himself. He had already written a plan for you, especially with all the times you had spoken about your ex-boyfriend. He had seen you before walking around with him, and those small smiles you shared were evident to him. 

Yet here you were, showing something else than what he believed.

"Takuto-kun?"

Your voice pulled him out of his thoughts, but he still didn't dare to let go. 

Tonight would be the only night he could do this, and only he would remember any of it. 

"Please... let me hold you until midnight..."

He felt you relax in his arms, returning the hug eagerly as you hummed happily and was unaware of the tears falling onto your coat.

You two sat on the couch, sitting in the silent dim room with your hands linked together. Your head rested on his shoulder as you asked, "If you're free in a few weeks, do you wanna go to Osaka with me?"

" What's in Osaka?" Takuto asked, feeling you lean away as you turned to face him. You had your knees seated beneath you on the couch.

Taking out your phone, you showed him that an event was happening in regards to an exhibit you were going to be working at. "I'm supposed to be staying there for a week, so I wondered if you could... I mean, if you aren't busy with work and... well..."

He couldn't help but smile at your growing blush and stammering. Though, he could feel that what he was going to say was a lie. Leaning forward, he paused just a centimeter away from your lips as he told you.

" I'd like to go... if I have the time."

Just then, he could hear his alarm beeping, indicating that it was now midnight.

Opening his eyes, Dr. Maruki found himself dangling again over the edge with Akira desperately holding on to him. A bright light had shown on them, briefly obscuring his vision as the boy was temporarily replaced by an image of you.

"So bright..."

-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-

You stared down at your phone, seeing that it was almost time for you to depart. 

Akira had suggested that both of you should take the same train home as him, but you had other plans. You were supposed to be heading to an exhibit soon, and Osaka was the opposite direction of your hometown. 

You had given your goodbyes to him and his friends, now trying to get a taxi cab as you headed to the airport. As you waved your hand to wave down one, your eyes briefly looked at the charm bracelet around your wrist.

Takuto had disappeared after that night. All you remember was giving each other farewells and then heading home in the morning. Nothing happened between you two other than cuddling on the couch, which you still blushed at the thought.

Still, with no contact, you felt that you got your answer. A part of you was hurt, but you knew that this may have been the case. Takuto had spoken fondly of his ex-fiancé. You weren’t surprised that he was probably still in love with her.

After a while, you were finally able to wave on down as it slowed to a stop. Getting into the back seat, you relayed, “To the airport, please.”

”You’re carrying so little,” the cab driver spoke in a voice you quickly recognized. “I thought you were staying there for a week.”

You looked up and saw the familiar brown orbs staring back at you. 

“Takuto-kun!?”

He chuckled as he signaled to merge into traffic. “It’s been a while, hasn’t it?” 

You weren’t sure how to feel about this. Takuto was acting as if he hadn’t gone missing for over two months, just coming out of the blue as some taxi driver. 

“Wait,” you mumbled first before asking. “Is this your job now?”

“Yeah,” he smiled, glancing at the rearview mirror briefly before looking back at the road ahead. “Guess you could say that being a therapist wasn’t really my calling.”

The conversation went as such, mostly catching up on what you’ve both been doing. You were curious about why the man had changed his profession, especially downgrading to a taxi driver, but you didn’t broach the subject. You didn’t want to say it out loud, but he seemed less occupied in his thoughts while driving.

As they neared the airport, he asked, “So you are heading to that exhibit?”

”Uh, yeah... time sure flew, and I barely had gotten everything ready,” you admitted. You fumbled with your fingers, staring out the window at the complex before blurting out, “You never gave me an answer that night.”

He was silent, just like he was before. No words were exchanged for a while until he finally admitted, “A lot happened and... I’m sorry I never contacted you. I wanted to, especially everything that had happened, but I just...”

”It’s okay,” you told him, still keeping your head turned from facing ahead. 

“But, it isn’t.”

You noticed that the car had pulled over to the side of the road, but you still kept your head facing towards the window. You heard him turn in his seat, facing you as he asked, “Please... talk to me.”

You didn’t want to snap at him. You weren’t some young girl who was spiteful from the silent treatment he had given you. As you turned your head with the best expressionless face you could muster, you felt it falter upon looking at him.

It wasn’t the apologetic look in his eyes that did it. It hadn’t been that he had moved so that kneeling on the middle console of the car.

Your eyes were focused, namely at the bracelet on his wrist, the key charm glistening briefly as he turned his hand to grip the passenger seat better.

”I’m sorry,” he began. “I was too afraid to tell you or even admit it, but I swear that I will work towards this relationship with you.”

You watched him reach out to you, the key charm moving closer to the lock as you didn’t realize that your hand covered your mouth in shock.

The magic in the air suddenly broke when a loud horn echoed around you both. Takuto’s foot had accidentally pressed against it, causing him to fumble and fall into the back seat beside you. 

You stared down at his messy state, unable to hold back your laughter and tears as you reached down to pat his messy hair. He looked up at you through his glasses, smiling brightly that matched your own.

You might be a bit late for your flight, but you can easily book one later tonight.

[recallingrealities]

Aligned - Chapter 3

Chapter 3: Grounded

Zelda x Reader

For Chapter 1, click (here)

You were growing comfortable in the days following that evening. It was as if the rarity of your circumstance with Zelda Spellman had been an omen to the unexpected tranquility you'd come to reside in. Especially in these days to come; you felt as though the exuberance of exploring new spaces was literally intoxicating.

You had spent the first several days unpacking your belongings. Feathering your nest was a task you found pleasing. Having spent so much of your introversion and contemplative meditation in a familiar space, it only seemed right to transform your new one to embody such comfort. In arranging, you were getting to experience the conceptual process of embodying the divine self; the you, deep down, you yearn to become. You were getting to create the optimum space that your optimum self would reside in. Every second of that felt fantastically exciting and magic to you. This would become a space where you'd find peace and safety, let alone every intuitive realization that would change yours and others experiences henceforth. In fact, you were sure  it had already begun.

Once preened, you felt it dutiful to explore the grounds. You had already known you would be teaching at the academy, so your lesson plans were completed long beforehand. You found in accomplishing tasks in honor of the Goddess, you often exceeded every expectation you would have thought to set for yourself. Lately you’ve formed the habit to carry this practice into space for yourself as well, for taking time to honor yourself, honors the Goddess.

At the time, you had no idea what you were doing. As like most things, tasks as the Goddess intended would align at their exact right time for a most bountiful fruition. In this case, that included your early preparedness, and complete trust in her control. It was not necessary for you to understand.

With your lesson plans pre-executed, you became momentarily separate from most of the other faculty. They were huddled in their offices, in nose-pressing dedication to reference whatever relevant studies were to be taught this coming semester. All the while, you were free in joyful meditation; able to explore the grounds and many halls of the Academy of Unseen Arts.

 You had recalled Ambrose mentioning the rumours of it's infinite corridors. It didn't seem to you, an impossible concept. With an open schedule, and mind however, you could take this chance to implore those which rooms appeared to you. What better time would there be to familiarize yourself with what you were aligned to discover?

The first hall you seemed to walk down, felt as if it was ever stretching. In exiting one of the doors, you were sure you were across the hall across from where you entered. Most of the doors looked the same, and you found  a martyr any witch knew where to be at any given time. Then again, perhaps the proper door you were meant to enter would be that which you opened, or willed to enter. As an establishment for exploring and practicing magical arts, willing your experience to your pleasure would be a valuable asset to have familiarity with. It would certainly be interesting that the room held before you would open to you based upon your intention. You had even made an attempt to open the same door twice, but upon finding the same place, you weren't sure if that meant each room simply was it was, or that perhaps that was the one you were meant to, willed to open. After a third attempt, finding the same room as the two beforehand, you leaned your forehead against it's frame. You couldn't help but let out a small laugh, not knowing what it was you had expected. You weren't sure if you were easing into a migraine from thinking too hard, or had just been ignoring your bodily need in thirst. You decided to take a break before continuing this conquest. To be fair, you had been exploring the corridors  alone for at least an hour or two, you were surprised you hadn't decided to take a break earlier, especially with the hall's resemblance to an optical illusion. 

As you made your way back towards the center of the rotunda, you held the corner of your cheek in a half smirk. You couldn't help but laugh at yourself. It seemed very characteristic that you not only indulged in the rarity of breaking meditation, but had done so to fixate on something so silly. Of course taking a break had been more of a revelation than an answer to alleviate you. Ambrose had said they were infinite, but you certainly wouldn't be yourself without questioning someone wiser on the subject. 

When you finally made it to the hall's opening, you spotted the High Priestess discussing something intently with a young witch. Your eyes drew to hers, almost instinctively. After a few words into the discussion's progression, her eyes caught yours, passing over the witchlings shoulder. She gained that same glint in her eye as when you watched the crackling embers burn in their reflection that night; especially upon realizing it was you she had locked eyes with. You felt your pacing slow if only to keep your gaze on her a little longer. You gave her a soft smile, wanting to bid her a silent hello before you met the juncture of the rotunda, where she was standing, distanced from you. You also did not wish to distract her, but a silent greeting felt fitting for you, words unspoken had already become a kindling of a sort to your relationship - new and budding the flames. Her lips didn't smile at that moment when she brought her eyes back to her conversation, but her eyes did seem to gleem in reply. After half a moment, she returned, lifting her eyes to you again. Only this time, she let them travel wantonly over your figure. They seemed to trace the shape of your legs, the hem of your dress, your abdomens subtle contour, and across your collar. She had lingered on your neck for just a moment as the student spoke, before locking her eyes with yours. This time, she did smile. You felt a shiver pass over you and your heart was now at a steady gallop in your chest. You realized she had looked at you this way before. And this time, she meant for you to know it. You felt your cheeks burn before you let a soft smile lay upon your lips. You closed the end of the hall before tracing your steps on the rotunda's border, feeling her eyes grace you, as your own traced the floor. Then, lifting them in satisfaction, as to not be ashamed of this silent attestment. As you moved up the stairs towards your chambers to retrieve your intended glass, a warmth blanketed your entire body - and you felt as though all the air in the Academy now glowed with embracing affirmation.

 When you finally arrived there, your heart was still racing, shaking slightly in the fingers you poured your glass with; able to unravel in the vulnerable privacy of your own quarters. You could hardly believe she had just… raked her eyes over you with such want and lust. Shamelessly, at that. If that student had turned around they might have noticed… or perhaps they had been too engaged in their conversation. 'Praise Lilith' you thought, before lifting the cup, sipping hard, generous gulps. Your mind now danced between a myriad of things to think about. How hard she had pressed you for your intent and position, how you had felt her unfold your insides without preface as you had done hers, how she had unwinded, unraveling like dark smoke in your office, enveloped you with heat and genuity with just a glance. You were bewildered.

You’d decided you would transition your plans to traverse the forests depths. The mossy, twisted green, a home for settling your wandering mind. Though your meditation typically held you securely in listening, Miss Spellman was beginning to have a knack for tipping your scales a hair beyond alignment. You felt yourself rebalancing as each step synchronized you with the hum of Earth beneath your feet. You had taken off your shoes, placing them on the ground, near a tree back towards the Academy. There was no reason for separation between you and the Earth here. Your shoes had only protected you from the toils of manmade forgings. 

You need not understand why, but as you drew towards the beating heart of the forest’s web, the trees showed you small visions of things to come. Mother Lillith kissing your hand, and greeting the High Priestess, unholy mass and ritual movement, the dance of the Litha fires during a Summer’s Solstice. The visions overlapped, moving in no particular order to envelope your mind, keeping it bidingly occupied in your quiet admiration of each wood and wise elder tree. It was then you approached a large, mothering tree. She called to you with waves of unseen light, shimmering leaves illuminating the grey and mist of the forest surrounding you. Her branches towered above you, seeming to everstretch, interweaving between the other neighboring trees. You felt drawn to kneel before her. Bowing your head you touch a gentle root, birthing from the ground before you. As your fingers grazed the fine seems of the bark, you felt a sudden luscious warmth again. A premonition of desire. 

When you’d hear the Goddess’ voice, it wasn’t in a way literal or sensory, it was like that you would note in your mind’s eye. A humming resonance that your body translated for you - far more intimate, it felt than even Lillith gracing you in human form.

“Your untouched desires are known, and are granted, awaiting you. 

Your deductions manifest with every changing present. 

You are so loving to me, dear one.”

Tthe words surrsurate through you, feeling yourself overwhelmed by her praise.

“My love, my dear sister, my daughter” She called “I have drawn you towards the trueness of your desires, the silent call of your yearning.

You have not asked, you have not begged, only weaved and devoted every moment of yourself to the seeds I’ve had you sow and tend to.

This is life’s purpose. To find the light of what is desired, and tend to it lovingly unbridled.

In turn, I reveal to you what is to come. 

What is true and intended for your awareness.

Embrace it shamelessly.

 Let me dissolve your fear, and allow you to embrace divinity in ecstasy”

Though the voice was not tangible, every beat, every syllable felt like a swell of overlapping, unwavering love. Beyond what the stimulus of your mind could find imaginable, your body had never experienced such richness, as this experience. You became aware that though your coming to the Academy was a part of her plan, it also was an unhindered gift for your dedication. It had never gone unnoticed. Something you were already recognizing, but felt unwaveringly humbled to know she was intending to please you. She wanted you to be happy in every moment, and not only wanted it but willed for your deepest pleasure. Intended to forge towards your every subconscious desire. She formed time and your world’s exactness to shape to it.  It was then you understood this was what made the universe. She shaped the web this way, for everyone. It was in your dedication to truness, to embracing and shaping towards light and love, that made you able to relish in the rewards of what was meant for you. 

You felt a tear stream down your cheek and nose, as your head craned in gratitude. Like a vision, but less tangible; you felt the school, your teachings, a home where you could exist in joyful solitude but also feel surrounded and safe. A teacher, a priestess who would guide you and draw you closer to magic and law than you had ever been taught before by any mortal or woman, and now you were realizing, this was whom you were willed to love. You felt her touch, her eyes, her smile, you felt her laugh and warmth, and  your stinging thigh all at once. You received waves of unbridled pleasure quake heavily throughout your entire body - and as abruptly so, you realized the voice had gone.

Your hand still touched the root of the mothering tree. Your skin dewed with sweat, your breath quietly labored. You had felt as if you had dreamt something beyond an Earth shattering orgasm. You had experienced your Goddess, the embodiment of all desire. You took a few minutes to regain yourself, catching your breath. The cool breeze of the forest floor calming you. You felt its radiating purity in the dancing leaves, twirling down towards the forest’s floor. It blew like a soft, intimate breath, cooling your skin. 

You had felt as though you were waning an intangible sunburn, the healing energy of the forest regaining you to stand and steady.

 As you made your way back to the school, you felt weighted, grounded with ease. It was a sturdiness that held you with every fiber of your awareness. You were content and exhausted from the communion, unable to question what had been revealed. The Goddess had not intended you to fear it, what was to come. Instead of foreboding thoughts of questioning, how and when what would happen, you found yourself budding with blossoms of that residual warmth. In gratitude you were reminded that everything was as it was meant to be, and always would be. No matter what level of consciousness or chaos you’d feel.

(( Authors note: oh goodness!!! There is SO MUCH TO COME! The next chapter is already in the works so you won’t have to wait so long!  Thank you so much for tagging along with me for this ride. I love a good slow burn. The intertwining of each relationship is what makes each scene and relation so much richer, especially that of the Goddess. I hope you don’t mind the contextual aspect of the story so far, because it is so important in how it will be told! This is one of my absolute favorite personal projects and I am so excited for you to see what unravels <3 Blessed be, lovelies! Love & Light! ))

[draconivn]

C.04 | For My Paramour

Summary: Guy’s birthday is coming and you’re wondering what to give someone who has everything that he could obtain. So you decide to make him something, and well... your mind starts wondering about your abilities and being able to be by his side. Masterpost: LINK

Is my imagination that wild to envision her here this morn? Mine eyes must be weary, perhaps weighed down by sleep that I am seeing this.

Beneath me she lies, her beautiful smile that I yearned for many days to see, void of exhaustion or the stress that plagued her in the duration of her extensive practice. Perhaps my need for her has created this vision so well that I hear her voice greet the day with me.

"Guy, are you okay?" Her hands are gentle upon my skin, guiding my face to look at her.

Twas a day before that I had seen her unable to rise to her feet, let alone move without my assistance. Yet her pallor is the same colourful brightness as I remember it always being, and it takes a moment for me to recover from this unusual greeting that realization indicates she was the one watching me. “Dirty habit, watching people sleep,” I can only muster, but I cannot scowl, only smile warmly at my beloved beneath me. 

“I wanted to be the first one you saw, especially this morning.”

Her heart is tender, and bleeds for others more than for herself. She is far too kind, yet she has changed me to be the man I am before her. But what more, is the meaning of today that must be above other days? She giggles, and the question I have yet to utter has found its answer in a newfound greeting as she smiles up at me.

“Happy birthday, Guy.”

Love wears itself in her eyes, and my own feelings return hers with a smile. Indeed, she has found the day that reason did not provide cause for celebration, except for a party formed by Fenn. Knowing that she was in bed yesterday only dampened any reasoning to attend such an affair, but seeing her with me here on the morn of my birthday is a sight I know here and now that I wish to see more of.

Gently, I trace my thumb across her cheek to caress the soft skin there. The softness of her skin is one I have touched many a time, but it is the temptation of a kiss that inches me lower and I pause.

She seems highly aware, a slight tension of her shoulders at how I refrain, yet she smiles up at me so tenderly and she is the one to initiate the first move. Her lips press to mine as she leans up, and the restraint I held is gone to kiss her as I have missed her, those lips that speak my name and take all of my love as she gives me hers.

Perhaps I have been without her for longer than I dare to admit. Or rather, to need her more than I thought.

A rush of desire and love fills my being as we kiss, our bodies pressed together as we meld into one form and our limbs tangled with one another. My beloved is in my arms once more, and I will not allow another to have her, not even the touch of her lips or the thoughts that are filled of me. 

The time of day has become irrelevant for the time being, as I am consumed by her love and her kisses. The touches of our tongues in sweet movements, parting the seam of our lips so deeply and passionately.

But a thought crosses my mind. Has she had enough rest yesterday that she is able to greet me today, that I dare kiss her and gain power from her lips?

“Guy…?” she asks, breathless and flushed in the cheeks. Even her chest heaves, though I have been the reluctant party to break the kiss.

“Have you rested enough?” I am careful and tender with her in that question, our bodies pressed together that I must roll onto our sides so there is comfort for her. But my question is received yet again with another smile, that I cannot be irritated with these cryptic messages until she utters an explanation of sorts.

“Have you noticed your aura yet?”

My aura? I check, but I can only knit my brows in questioning because there is nothing to sense. “What nonsense do you speak this early–” And I stop. At the moment I realize it, her own smile has grown exponentially. In times past, I was only allowed to spare a kiss from her as a result of the transference of power, that anything further could have taken the strength of her entire being to the last drop.

Here and now, she has taken control.

Is this what Sherry has defined as her loving me so? The woman in my arms has given her all so that she may love me, to give me all that she is of her own free will, for naught that will divide us from sharing our love through actions. By doing so, she is able to protect herself from others knowing the secret that connected us from the beginning, but certainly, she has more to do and I commit myself to her growth in every shape and form.

We become helpless to our control then and there as we smile at each other, before our lips meet in kisses to greet the morn and whispers of our feelings slip between our lips. 

The feeling I sent through my veins and surging my emotions forward is not the power that rules her, but the very strength and empowerment of my love for her has swelled inside me. 

Sadly, our time together is interrupted by a knock.

“Master Guy, I have brought you both your breakfast.”

She blushes so beautifully as we are both in complete disarray when the door opens, seated in bed with fingers fumbling to fix every wrinkle and paw at each other’s hair until we are presentable.

Jasper only then enters with the tray of food, a knowing smile on his lips, but I see there is only one cup while there are two meals. “Ah, have I come in too soon?” The question is not directed towards myself, but to her and her eyes shift away.

“What is it?” From the corner of my eye, a ribboned box floats towards me steadily as she fidgets with the hem of her dress. She has shown much improvement. 

“I… wanted to make something for your birthday. I didn’t know what to get you exactly though…”

She made something for me? Expectations were not high in knowing the allowance she received from the Headmaster was far from allowing her to dabble in the grandiose my life surrounded itself upon, yet knowing that she made something had piqued my curiosity. The contents of the box had been simple, to the ignorant, it would be but something simply bought off the stands.

But she is aware of my affinity for the Avarian coffee she dislikes, and has created me a cup with a saucer to rest it upon.

One would require the right dirt to make form into clay, and solidify its form into the way it was with the correct heat as well as minding the cracks. Beneath the dips and curves that form the designs, I see none save for the fruition of her hard work. Her powers have grown since the day we met, from knowing nothing of the existence or concept of magic and her fancy ‘abracadabra’ that she called it, to controlling her powers and formulating a cup from raw materials has gained my praise. 

She awes me, from her passion to her love for me. Her ardour is never to be trifled with once she has set her eyes on her goal, and we are hand-in-hand in our chapter together.

“Jasper, I’d like to have coffee in this cup.”

“Yes, sir.”

As though she expected me to say otherwise, there is surprise across her features and the part of her lips that my laughter bubbles up from within me after Jasper has left to prepare my coffee. “Shall I refuse it and take another cup for my coffee?” I tease her with a crook of my finger under her chin. “Perhaps I shall take my drink from your lips.”

Her blush spreads across her cheeks so pleasantly. “You do know I hate that coffee, right?”

“But yet you allow me to kiss you even when I have taken part with it. Will you hate my lips for it?”

She looks almost mortified that I cannot help a laugh. “I didn’t practice this hard to not be able to kiss you!” She realizes the gravity of her words, and my lips curve into a devilish grin.

“So you have taken such measures to devoid me of such prior, and now that I am free and able to, the taste of coffee will not keep you from me, will it? After all, I must punish you for being away from me for a time, but I must reward you for your efforts.”

“Guy–” Her complaints fall on deaf ears, taking her breath and words with me as I kiss her, embrace her in my selfish need to have her. She is mine in every way, for what she gives me, I will give more. She is enough, she is not by any definition that the world would seek to place on her. 

“I love you,” I tell her, my feelings spilling forward for the first time in days. 

She regards me with the same expression, love laced in our words and breaths. “I love you, Guy. Happy birthday.”

She is my sworn paramour, and I am prepared to greet many more mornings to come with her as we are.

[moonstruckbucky]

Yearn [one shot]

PAIRING: Steve Rogers x fem!Reader

WARNINGS: Angst City Central. Language. Mild mentions of smut, but nothing too detailed.

WORD COUNT: 1.7k

NOTES: I’m planning on this being a two-part mini series. I’ve had this idea cooking in my head for a while but had zero motivation to actually write it so, here it is. Like/comment/reblog. Enjoy! x

It began with a look. A simple exchange of glances, questioning and then understanding, agreeing, before you found yourselves in a tangled mess of limbs and sheets. It was an outlet, really, a way for both of you to rid yourselves of the stress of a hard mission or an easier way to fall asleep.

Until it became more than that. At least, to you.

You knew Steve was still vulnerable from Sharon’s sudden exit from his life, knew he was far from ready for anything even remotely serious. So you tamped down the Natasha-dubbed “heart eyes” when he was around, brushed your feelings aside and told yourself you were fine with your current situation.

But it was getting harder and harder to convince yourself, it was harder to pretend his very kiss didn’t set every one of your nerve endings alight, that he, and only he, knew how to play your body like a fiddle. It was harder to tell yourself that your heart didn’t absolutely yearn for him every single day you went without touching him, without kissing him.

This last mission had been rough, and its toll was obvious on those involved. It was successful, but only just. The ride back to the Tower was quiet and tense in the quinjet, the others mulling over the fact that they had nearly lost one of their own. Sam’s wingsuit had been destroyed in the process, grounding him until Tony could either fix it or build a new one. You glanced up from where you sat between Bucky and Nat, eyes locking on to Steve’s rigid form. His hands were on his belt and his head was bowed. Even with the position you could see the muscles of his jaw working as he ground his teeth. It had been too close.

It was why you knew it was him, later that night, knocking on your door at nearly 1 AM. It was why you welcomed him, like you always did, with open arms and an invitation to lose himself in your body. And really, when had you ever been able to say no to him?

He took you roughly, and you let him, understanding his need for control in every aspect of his life, especially the bedroom. His fingers dug bruises into the skin of your hips and your wrists as he held them behind your back, his free hand wrapped loosely around the column of your neck. His lips sucked hickies into your throat and the insides of your thighs, marking you, and the thought of belonging to only him made your heart ache with a want and a need you knew would never come to fruition.

He could never be yours, even with the wild, possessive way he claimed your body. It was an outlet, a stress reliever, and only that.

When it was over, Steve didn’t stay. He threw his clothes back on, gave you a ghost of a smile that didn’t reach his eyes, and left. More than just your bed felt empty; you felt it in your heart, the roots of your longing running so deeply you were sure it had become a permanent part of you now. So that night, you let yourself cry for the love you knew would never be returned.

Weeks went by, and the wedge in your heart only seemed to grow larger and more painful the longer you let Steve into your bed. Part of you was angry that he was so seemingly unaffected by your trysts, that you were the only one suffering. Your mood during the day soured, only brightening when you could lose yourself in Steve’s kisses at night, and wasn’t that just the most fucked up thing in the world?

Natasha was fed up with it, and she wasn’t afraid to let you know it.

“I don’t know why you’re doing this to yourself,” she stated one afternoon. You glanced up at her from your spot on the couch, a rerun of Friends playing on the television. Her arms were crossed and she was actively glaring at you. Even in sweats she was intimidating as hell.

But you were as stubborn as she was scary. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“Don’t bullshit me, L/N,” she snapped, picking up the remote to shut the TV off. She ignored your noise of indignation. “You either need to tell him how you feel or stop what you’re doing. You’re only hurting yourself here.”

You remained quiet, knowing she was right but refusing to admit it. You kept your eyes on the blank screen, determined to not give her the satisfaction of admitting she was right. She was always right.

“Y/N...” she sighed, kneeling down beside your knee. She set her hand on it, thumb rubbing gently over the fabric of your leggings. “Why are you doing this to yourself? Are you that much of a glutton for punishment? I really am trying to understand, but I can’t pretend anymore. I’m worried about you.”

“I’m fine, Nat. I’m a big girl.” Your tone was short and clipped, and you moved your knee out of her grip. She sighed, shaking her head once before rising back to her feet.

“I thought you were smarter than this, Y/N,” she muttered. The words stung as she walked away, her voice dripping in disappointment, and your vision blurred. Sniffling, you got up and hid away in your room, wallowing in your misery.

You knew it had to stop. Nat was right; it wasn’t fair to you to put yourself through this constant heartache, desiring for more than what Steve could give you.

It was a week after your one-sided talk with Nat that you made up your mind. You were going to end it. Your heart would thank you for it in the long run. Self-preservation was an instinct not even Steve Rogers could make you forget.

You knocked on his door just after dinner, stomach kicking with nerves and nausea. You knew your hands were shaking as you buried them in your sweatshirt pocket, wringing them together while you waited for Steve to open the door. When it did, the breath left your lungs. How could he manage to look so good all the damn time?

“H-hi,” you stuttered, smiling nervously. Steve was the picture of relaxed as he leaned against the door frame, looking utterly delectable in a too-small white tee shirt that stretched tightly across his broad chest. “Can we, um, can we talk?”

He smirked. “You sure that’s why you’re here?”

Cue heat pooling in your lower belly. Your thighs clenched together, and it didn’t go unnoticed by Steve as he reached out to wrap a hand around the back of your neck and tug you into his room. The door closed and not a second later were your pressed against it, Steve’s mouth slotted perfectly over yours and setting a fire in your blood.

“S-Steve,” you muttered against his mouth. He growled deep in his throat as he dropped a hand between your legs and rubbed you through your sweatpants. Against your will you sighed into his mouth before you remembered yourself. Your hands planted on the wide plane of his chest and pushed, causing him to stumble back a step.

“What?” he asked, mildly impatient. His lips were red and wet, and it took everything in you to not go back for more.

“I came to talk, not to...” You gestured between you with a flourish, feeling smaller and smaller under his intense stare. He sighed.

“Okay, what about?”

You opened your mouth, but before the words “I want to stop” could crawl out of your throat, a knock sounded on his door. Steve held up a finger and brushed by you, twisting the knob on the door and swinging it open.

You expected Bucky, maybe even Sam or Natasha, but what you didn’t expect was Sharon, looking meek and nervous before her eyes found you and morphed into a look of confusion. No doubt you and Steve looked a little ruffled. One glance at Steve confirmed he was just as shocked as you.

He began to stutter out a greeting, but he never finished it, mind too busy with the current situation. His radiant blue eyes then flickered to you, hesitant and questioning.

“I’ll go,” you muttered, feeling awkward sandwiched between the two of them. You ducked your head and fled the room before Steve could even reply.

Steve found you hours later, knocking hesitantly on your door with a lead weight in his stomach. You answered the door with a yawn, rubbing your eyes sleepily, but he didn’t miss the way your shoulders straightened at the sight of him.

“Steve.”

“How about that talk?”

You let him in reluctantly, a sinking feeling telling you you knew what was coming. So when he said that Sharon wanted to work on their relationship, you tried to act nonchalant, happy for him, even.

“That’s great, Steve.” God, the lie sounded obvious even to you, and it didn’t look like Steve really bought it either.

“Are you sure...?” His voice matched the skeptical expression on his face.

“I knew what this was, Steve, and it’s fine. I told you at the beginning if you ever changed your mind, about this or about Sharon, I’d back off, no hard feelings. That hasn’t changed.” You smiled tightly, proud of yourself for keeping the tremor out of your voice even as your heart was crumbling inside your chest.

Steve’s blue irises penetrated yours, searching. The intensity of his stare almost made you look away, but you held firm, holding your breath. When he dropped his gaze and nodded, you exhaled quietly.

“I should go,” he murmured, sounding as if he didn’t want to.

Or maybe your ears were playing tricks on you.

“Yeah. I’ll, um, see you around then. And Steve? I’m happy for you and Sharon, really.” Lie, lie, lie.

His mouth twitched upwards a little. “Thanks, Y/N.”

And then he was gone, and you were free to let out the pain building in your chest. Your cries were let out into a pillow because the walls weren’t all that thin and you didn’t need a horde of Avengers storming to your room. You felt a small tinge of relief, knowing the work had been done for you, but mostly there was just the ever-present feeling of your chest caving in.

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[kyraensui]

Similar Differences

Soft A/O dynamics with premise of Keith accidentally went into another reality from a normal scouting mission and met a different Lotor with an unorthodox relationship.

++++++++++

Galran.

He recognized the characters, but he was not proficient enough to read majority painted on the wall. Halo screens after halo screens of Galran languages with images of graphs and wave lengths were plastered around the room’s wall. It was a place Pidge would love to be in if she was here.

His fingers were curious to touch and understand.

“I appreciate your docile behavior now that I am making better progress without your volatile actions.”

He sighed.

“But I can understand the transgression of your earlier actions based upon my appearance.”

“It was my-”

“Instincts. I know as we both have Galran blood in our system.”

“How do you know?”

Keith was curious as he turned to face the man who has his back turned to him. Never once took his eyes off the halo screen and fingers in constant motion across the terminal pad.

“Your markings and your fighting techniques. Quite unique. I wish to learn more about your genes, but I rather not have my beloved mate spend anymore ticks in your reality.”

“Is he..” as Keith took a few steps closer to Lotor.

“In this reality, he is part Altean and part Terran such as yourself.”

“You said beloved mate. As in, he is your lover?”

“Yes. An omega too, but I can tell you do not understand the meaning. A special secondary gender trait for this universe.”

Keith’s mouth ‘o’ in silence as he was careful not to disturb the Galran Prince with his work. He will have to ask Pidge to look it up when he gets back.

Was it possible to have secondary gender? His mind was still boggled even after Lotor had told him he will not understand. Of course, he wouldn’t if he was not explained in certain details.

He tiptoe carefully to his right side to view what Lotor was focus on.

“How…” His words were hesitant to come out. He took a deep breathe. “How is this reality like?”

Lotor’s fingers paused.

“If I was not so blind from my thirst of knowledge, then I would not have accepted my beloved’s request to test this out.”

Keith took two steps back and turned with his back facing Lotor. His hands clasped together behind his lower back.

“If only your alternate self can think like you do here, then we would not have become enemies.”

“Have you or your other Paladins care to make my other self understand?” His fingers went back to typing. “To retrieve something he had yearn for.”

“I guess we did not.”

“He sounds similar to Empress Allura except we do not have Voltron or the lions. Those were lost when my father destroyed the plans with Alfor so it will not come into fruition.”

He had some time. Whatever length of time he has before he can return. The reality was polar opposites where Altean ruled the universe and the Galras are hunted down.

Which comes to the Galran behind him. He was strikingly gorgeous as usual, but he was not a conniving being like his counterpart.

If he had to compare with this Lotor, he would be like a mix of Shiro and Pidge. He has the strength for not only in combat, but leadership to stand by his conviction. His intelligence can rival with the combination of Pidge, Matt, and Hunk.

What about his counterpart? What was he like? How does he look as an Altean?

“Do not dwell too much, little Paladin. You will be home soon.”

“What if I don’t want to go back?”

He wants to know. No, he needs to know.

“You will. Your presence alone can cause or disrupt unknown effects for both your and my realities.”

He paused and slightly turned his body halfway with one palm on the terminal.

“In my beloved’s eyes, your Paladin friends are the very ones who threw away what compassion they had to show their loyalty for their Empress.”

Keith’s throat felt swollen and constricted. He swallowed hard as he turned around with his breathing hitched.

Cerulean eyes. They were deep and rich in emotions he had not seen within the counterpart.

Compassion and sorrow.

Not once he had called his name. It was only beloved. Or was it his way to show how deeply he cares for his counterpart.

A tiny prick struck his heart quickly and silently as Keith continues to stare at Lotor’s eyes.

“I appreciate your wish to stay, but this is not your true home. Your home is beyond this wormhole.”

Keith followed his line of sight as Lotor turned his head and gave a quick side tilt.

There it was. The white wormhole that he fell through moments ago by accident.

He will be home. With his friends and Marmora family.

“Go, little Paladin.” as Keith turned and stared at Lotor. “Please do understand why I must rush you back.”

“I think….I think I do.”

Another tiny prick, but it was gone the moment it came in his mind.

“He loves you too..”

Lotor’s smile were gentle and soft when words came out of his own mouth. The white light behind him became brighter.

“I—I will do my best to talk with your counterpart and show him a different kind of hope.”

“Please do.”

His visions are now engulfed in white and sounds becoming softer with one hand stretching out. He closed his eyes. A word came out gentle before losing his conscience.

“Keith.”

His arms stretched out wide as he could see the familiar white, fluffy hair coming out the wormhole. His movement were swift to catch the fallen figure and held him close to his chest. His fingers combed through silky white hair and a chaste kiss on top of his head.

His beloved is back.

“Lotor?” His words came out shaky and uncertain.

“Yes, my beloved Keith.” Lotor released his pheromones to calm his mate. “You’re back.”

With some strength left, Keith lifted himself with his arms wrapped around Lotor’s neck and nuzzled his nose on his scent glands.

“Easy, beloved.” He could feel his beloved omega trembling in his arms. His arms cross-locked on his omega’s back and pulled him closer.

He gave several more kisses. He can smell and sense fear emitting from his beloved. After easing Keith’s turbulent emotions, his mind had made up. Not from what the other Keith had mention, but what he can feel now. His beloved in his arms.

“Let’s scrap this project.”

One was enough.

It was not worth losing someone so precious, so dear to his heart for the sake of science. He understands it now.

He hopes his counterpart understands it too.

“We will find another solution to win this war.”

Keith nodded and buried his face into Lotor’s collar.

“Together,” his voice muffled against his mate’s collarbones. “we do this together.”

His cheek sits on top of Keith’s fluff hair with his hand stroking behind his head.

“I promise.”

[snowbellewells]

“It’s the Thought That Counts”

Okay, so this is nearly two weeks belated, but it’s my CS Secret Santa 2016 gift to @swanandapirate that I truly hope she will enjoy!  Now I can finally tell you I’m your Secret Santa and thank you profusely for being patient as this story fought me every bit of the way in finally getting completed.  It draws a bit from O. Henry’s “The Gift of the Magi”, but it can be enjoyed without knowing that.  It’s a modern AU, and Killian and Emma are twenty something platonic roommates, though both may want more if they ever get up the courage to admit it.  I truly do hope it’s worth the wait, that your holidays were happy and that 2017 is a wonderful New Year for you!   ~Marta (snowbellewells)

“It’s the Thought that Counts”

For @swanandapirate my CS Secret Santa giftee 2016

By: snowbellewells (TutorGirlml on ff.net)

             Seventy-seven dollars and forty-eight cents…that was all.  Emma blew out a frustrated breath and scrubbed a weary hand over her face, sighing and wondering if maybe she should count again.  Surely she had missed some of it; she must have made a mistake. After taking on all those extra shifts at Granny’s, after all of the pinching and scraping she’d done – it still wouldn’t be enough.  Seventy-seven dollars and forty-eight cents it was, and that wouldn’t buy the perfect present…the gift she’d decided he had to have.

           Not knowing what else to do, Emma Swan shoved the blond strands that had escaped her braid out of her face in exasperation and tucked the bills and assorted coins back into the beat up leather wallet she carried, perusing the people rushing back and forth on the sidewalk in front of the row of shops through the windshield of her VW Bug. She’d parked outside the music store right after getting off her latest shift at the little 24-hour diner, hoping that with the week’s wages Granny had kindly given her a day early and the night’s tips, she would finally be able to get the gift she had earmarked for her best friend.

           Though she had been putting back every spare penny for weeks, there hadn’t been very many of them. She was often lucky if ten to twenty dollars every week or so made it in the fund she had begun in September for Killian’s present.  On a waitress’ salary (yeah, those big dreams of what she would do with her fancy degree had yet to come to any kind of fruition) rent, utilities, groceries and gas for the Bug were almost more than she could handle, even splitting some of those bills with her best friend for their two bedroom apartment; there simply wasn’t much extra.

           Regardless, Killian was special to her, and she wanted him to have the items she’d set her heart on giving him.  Wistfully, she rested her arms on the steering wheel and gazed once more at the front of the music shop, admiring again the tooled-leather strap and perfect case, butter soft material all on the inside, the ideal cushion for his beloved instrument, the guitar that had once been his brother Liam’s.  Knowing she couldn’t afford the price she had been quoted, despite all her effort, Emma let her mind wander back instead, not yet willing to leave empty-handed, back to the early days when she and Killian had first met.

           It had been only her second day at college in Boston; she had forgotten to get a shower curtain for the suite and was running out in a huff to the nearest Target when she had plowed into a guy entering the dorm with a stack of boxes high enough to obscure his view, and knocked both of them off their feet. Rather than bawling her out for not watching where she was going or picking himself up and beating a hasty retreat from the disastrous whirlwind she had been in those days, he’d begun to laugh, helped her up, introduced himself, and they had been best friends ever since.  From studying for midterms together for years, to bringing each other meals and keeping one another company in the wee hours at their numerous respective part-time jobs, to prepping each other as they got ready for interviews at their post-college ventures, Killian Jones was the first person in Emma’s life who had always been there for her when she needed him, who would drop anything to come when she called. It had taken him time to break through her reserve and skepticism completely – growing up shuffled through the foster system, abandoned and forgotten, had left her waiting for the same sort of betrayal from anyone in her life.  However, as months of barbed comments, testing behavior, and sharp comebacks failed to scare him off or push him away, Emma had begun to let Killian in – to try something new as he urged and trust him – just a little at first, and then more openly than she had ever allowed herself to trust  anyone before.  Now, she truly could not imagine what her life would be like without her confidante, her partner-in-crime, and her number one supporter.  Killian had opened her eyes, made her stop to enjoy, to laugh, to appreciate her days, and at least occasionally…believe.  The world looked brighter through his vision.

           Emma knew she wasn’t the easiest person, and she had wanted for some time to do something for Killian to say thank you in a way more clear than words, which often failed her. She wanted him to know what his friendship had come to mean to her, and give him something he would really love. It was hard for her to fully express how glad she was that he had persisted until he helped her lower the walls around her heart, and when she had finally discovered the perfect gesture – the very thing her dearest friend needed, no deserved, to have, she couldn’t make herself settle for anything else.

           Once more, she glanced into the music shop’s large front window.  She could see the handcrafted, genuine leather, artistically beautiful guitar case even from where she sat.  Of course it was displayed prominently.  She knew nothing about instruments or their care and storage; in general, she paid very little attention to music at all, other than to know that the old, traditional shanties Killian’s calloused fingers coaxed from the strings with his gentle touch were the most soothing and peaceful sounds she had ever heard, and his husky, warmly accented voice made shivers run up and down her spine with an intensity that she was hard-pressed to ignore and which made her clench her hands on her thighs not to delve them into his dark, unruly hair and pull him close.

           Shaking her head, Emma turned the key in the VW’s ignition, wondering at the disconcerting rush of attraction which swept over her from time-to-time.  She didn’t know where it came from or why she couldn’t rid herself of it as she had always been able to with guys before, but she wouldn’t risk anything else; no matter how devastatingly handsome Killian was, not if it meant she could stand to lose the most loving, steadfast person to ever walk into her life.  She simply forced herself to ride the moments out when they appeared and kept herself together until the hot yearning subsided and she could look at him and simply see her friend once more.  Regretfully clutching the worn-soft steering wheel in her hands, Emma knew she should back out of the parking space; she needed to give up and find something else for Killian that she could afford.  She had almost done so, already moved the stick to reverse, when the solution came to her in a blast of inspiration. Her eyes lit up, and her fingers danced over the dashboard, only the tiniest bit of lingering hesitation left.  She knew just what to do, but she had to be quick.  She had to get back here before closing time. It was a miracle the case and strap had not already been bought as someone else’s gift.  Excitement that she had not felt in a very long time thrummed through her veins as Emma told herself she just might manage to give Killian Jones a Christmas gift worthy of him after all.

~~CS~~CS~~CS~~CS~~CS~~CS~~CS~~CS~~

           Across town, Killian Jones was pondering similar obstacles as he paced the auto body shop where he and Emma’s friend Graham had helped him find some extra work when he wasn’t pounding the pavement trying to seek an opening in his chosen field.  While the opportunities to get a foot in the door at one of the city’s various law firms had proven to be few and far between, he picked up what income he could in the meantime.  Occasionally when the place was swamped, he helped Graham in the repairs, and Graham’s friendly boss, an older gentleman named Marco who had been a skilled craftsman in his day but now had hands too arthritic to do any of the actual work himself, had Killian into his office, his keen eyes twinkling as he took in what he called “a sharp young pup’s” financial and legal advice and paid him well for the consultation, even if it was not officially licensed.

           Though Killian enjoyed action and doing, a bit of adventure and an honest day’s labor, this help he could be to Marco and others like him – Emma’s old-fashioned diner owning boss whom everyone simply called “Granny” Lucas, when she was stymied by paperwork and tax forms was another – reminded him of why he had chosen law in the first place; nearly broke though he might be from the effort and not yet having been able to right any great wrongs.  Six long years have gone by since the accident that took his beloved older brother’s life, and the legal wrangling pulled off by the defendant’s lawyer, keeping the man responsible for Liam’s ship being broadsided and then left stranded in the harbor, taking on water and going down in under ten minutes, her captain’s body having never been found but almost certainly going down with the doomed vessel, from facing anything more than what seemed a mere slap on the wrist for his gross negligence.  Killian had been just nineteen at the time, barely into his sophomore year of college, and when all was said and done, he had been left with no settlement, no compensation, no income, and most devastating of all: no anchor. The man who had always been there for him, the only dependable father figure in his life since their sire had walked out one day when Killian was eight and never returned, who had cared for him, looked out for him, made sure he had food to eat, told him stories when they were young and the nights were dark, who had given up his own coat so Killian didn’t go to school without, who had stood in front of his little brother as a shield, both physically when their father lashed out in misguided anger and grief, and emotionally with plausible excuses until Killian had been old enough to understand and bear the truth of their papa’s abandonment; that man was suddenly and irrevocably gone.

           Killian hadn’t been able to keep their little apartment or most of their appliances, furniture, and other possessions, such as they had been.  Their sale had allowed him to scrape together enough to stay in school that year.  The scholarships, loans, and much hard work, as well as various friends’ kindly lent couches and spare rooms over breaks had allowed him to continue until he had his degree, but his initial bent toward marine biology was no more. In his mind, law was now his own way of seeking justice and retribution for wrongs.  He would do all in his power to keep others who had already lost their loved ones from losing everything else as well, the way that he had.

           Liam’s battered acoustic guitar was the one thing he had not been able to part with, though it sat propped up in the front seat beside him now.  He could remember Liam sitting by the dwindling fire in the hearth, strumming the instrument and clearly finding some sort of immeasurable solace after a long, soul-grinding day of hard physical toil at the docks, the sound of some sailor’s lament in the plucked chords and Liam’s softly off-key voice often lulling him to sleep on his cot in the corner of their cramped but warm dinette room.

           Though it appears a bit weathered, Killian knows the instrument is of solid, impressive quality and materials.  It had belonged to their mother, who’d had a bit of minor amateur notice as a singer and musician before meeting their father and giving up her craft, and before that, her father’s – once upon a time.  Killian had never met this grandfather who was a noted folk singer in Ireland, but his mother had often told him as a boy while sifting gentle fingers through his dark mop of hair that he looked like her “papa” with his dark brows and “eyes blue as the sea”.  

           No, he had always been unwilling to sacrifice the instrument, despite the price it might fetch, but now – now things were different.  There was someone in his life again; someone he loved and admired with the devotion and fervor his brother had inspired.  She needed to know what she meant to him.  Yes, as his best friend, but also as the only woman in the world he’d had eyes for since she literally knocked him off his feet on move-in day all those years ago.  Liam’s guitar would allow him the ability to give Emma a gift that expressed his true regard, rather than relying on words which she understandably tends to mistrust.

           If he could just part with the family keepsake, he would have enough to carry out his Christmas plan. He knew that her bright yellow car, the only remnant of the first relationship she’d ever felt secure or needed within, though it had eventually imploded and nearly destroyed her, was incredibly dear to her.  Garish eyesore it might seem to most, but he knew Emma would never part with it.  It was a symbol of where she’d come from, who she’d been, and a reminder to her of just how far she had come.  He also knew it desperately needed several repairs that she’d had to try to keep the vehicle limping along without for some time.  It actually hurt his heart to see how hard Emma worked.  Leaving the apartment most mornings before sunrise and often coming home well past supper, dead on her feet from working all day and not much more he could do than feed her the leftovers of whatever he had made that evening and offer to rub her feet as they watched some tv before turning in for the night.  If he could give her beloved Bug some of the work it required and make things easier for her, even for just a time, he was determined to do so.

           With a firm nod of decision, Killian’s hand closed around the neck of the old guitar and he got out of his truck, almost cradling the instrument one last time.  He knew the old man recognized the piece’s fine artistry, and that he would care for the guitar he had expressed interest in buying numerous times before.  Killian expected it was meant to be a gift for the man’s son, August, who played in some cover band on the weekends as a hobby.  Still, it would at least be used and appreciated, and the sacrifice – once he saw the surprise at her present on his Swan’s face – would be worth it.

~~CS~~CS~~CS~~CS~~CS~~CS~~CS~~CS~~CS~~

           That night, Christmas Eve, when Emma and Killian met back at her apartment over the diner, both were almost vibrating with excitement to share their gifts, ridiculously anxious for the other to see the fruits of their labor.  Emma opened the door at his first gentle rap, a pleased smirk on her face, both at the sweet, unassuming way he knocked so as not to startle her, even though he lived there too and could come right on in, and at the look she imagined seeing on his face soon when he got a look at the case and strap and realized he wouldn’t have to keep his prized possession behind their recliner in the corner of the living room anymore, nor would he have to play the guitar sitting down because he had never gotten himself a strap.  Now that she had finally bitten the bullet and made the trade, she didn’t even miss her old clunker of a car that much; what she had gotten in exchange was going to be more than worth it with how happy it would make him.  Tiana, her fellow waitress at the diner, was always saying Emma didn’t need the expense of gas and insurance and repairs anyway, what with how close the bus stop was to both Emma’s home and the diner.  As usual, the practical, no-nonsense woman had been right, Emma now conceded. This was going to work out well, and she had achieved her goal for the last few months as well instead of having to admit defeat.

           Pulling Killian into the apartment with an eager grip on his wrist, Emma led her friend past the kitchen island where they usually gathered to talk over their day and find some supper to eat, gestured for him to sit on the couch, and began speaking in an enthusiastic rush quite unlike her usual reserve.  It pinked her cheeks and made him chuckle, finding her utterly adorable and wanting to pull her down onto his lap and wrap her in a hug, hold her close in his arms for as long as she would allow.  The impulse only grew when he thought about the little squeal of delight he could almost hear her making when she realized she could drop a few of those extra shifts she was pulling trying to get the Bug new brakes and snow chains for the tires before winter really set in, because it was already taken care of.  He could only hope the twinkle in her eyes that never failed to enchant him might appear as well at the realization that she could afford to take a Saturday off, stay in her pajamas all day and drink her beloved hot cocoa and cinnamon curled up in the window seat.

           The moment they both settled on the couch, Emma snapped him back to the present, still clutching his hand in both of hers, almost bouncing on the couch cushions. The unbridled delight in her face was almost childlike glee. Though very few people were privy to such displays from her, Killian adored seeing the true depth of Emma’s good heart and boundless affection for those who proved worthy and managed to reach behind her walls.  “So, it’s time to exchange our presents for each other, right?” she prodded excitedly.  “Wait until you see what I got you!”

           He nodded gamely, a chuckle rumbling through his chest despite suddenly feeling almost nervous at what he had gotten in return.  Gesturing to her, he offered, “Of course, but why don’t you start, Swan?  We’ll have to go outside to get a look at your gift.”

           “Ooh…a mystery…I like it!” she intoned playfully, nudging him with her elbow before reaching under their couch to pull out a large, long, rather flat box and laying it across his lap. “But first,” here she gave a little clap, “let’s see what you think of this!”

           If he lived a hundred years, Killian would never be quite sure he could forget the way his breath caught in his chest at the sight which greeted him when he tore through the heavy, metallic green and gold wrapping and discovered what Emma had gotten him. There before him was a hand tooled case, a pricey one he’d yearned for more than once through the local music shop’s window and which would be the perfect resting place for Liam’s guitar…if only he hadn’t sold it to pay for Emma’s present.  

           Tears pricked his eyes, touched beyond belief even if the present is no longer of any practical use to him.  He can only imagine what this must have cost her, and he couldn’t quite fathom how she had procured it, but when he looked up to see her tense, eager face anticipating his reaction, none of that mattered, he only needed to find the words to express the swell of genuine love he felt for her.  Reaching forward to clasp her hand now, he brushed his thumb over her skin lightly, making himself speak even if it came out a husky croak, “It’s beautiful, Swan.  Truly. I have never seen another its equal.”

           She beamed, her eyes lighting up just as he had hoped that they would, and flung her arms around him, hugging him tightly.  “Oh, I’m so glad you like it!” she breathed, then pulled back excitedly once more, urging him forward.  “Well, go on, get your guitar.  I didn’t see it, so I figured you must have put it in your room last night!  There’s a strap for it in there too.  Let’s see how it looks with the guitar!”

           Killian blinked, stunned in that moment by her beauty and her unselfish joy, and he didn’t want to tell her, didn’t want to ruin her surprise, or perhaps make her feel bad when she had given him something so lovely.  Clearing his throat, he tried for playful flirtation with a wink, hoping to put her off, and stalled nervously, “We can do that soon enough. It’s time for your present now I believe, Lass.  We’ll need to get the Bug though.  Where did you park this evening?  I didn’t see it when I came in.”

           He had gotten up and started to move toward the door where their coats, hats, and scarves were hung before he realized her reluctance. It wasn’t until he turned, hat on head, to see that she had only followed him a couple of steps, and was now avoiding his eyes, studying the toes of her tennis shoes instead.  

           “What is it?” he asked, concern and nerves trickling through him once again.  “Emma?”

           “We – well, we can’t, Killian.  Okay?” She shook her head and tried to move past him into the kitchen.  “Let’s have our Christmas dinner before it gets cold.  After, you can play me a couple of songs.  I think I’d rather wait for open my gift tomorrow…Christmas morning and all, you know?”

           “Wait, what are you on about, Swan?” he pressed, sure now that something was troubling her, and also knowing he could not do what she asked – not when Liam’s beloved treasure was no longer with him.

           “The Bug isn’t here,” she finally admitted, so softly he had to lean into her space.

           “Did it break down?” he asked gently, not sure what exactly she meant.  It wouldn’t be the first time the old Volkswagen had stranded her somewhere and she’d found another way home.  “You know Marco will let Graham tow it for us without all the ridiculous upcharges.  It’s okay. We’ll eat and then go fetch it.”

           She sighed, shoulders slumping as if to admit defeat.  “No, that’s not it.  It isn’t mine anymore.  I sold the Bug.”

           “You – you sold it?” he stuttered disbelievingly.  She loved that car; had always vowed she wouldn’t part with it until it literally fell to pieces.

           “I had to,” she finally explained, sniffling a bit and still not meeting his gaze.  “I couldn’t save up as much as I’d hoped.  And you had to have that case.  I wanted you to have it so badly.  I don’t really need a car.  The bus easily takes me everywhere I really go in this city.  And I’ll save on gas and auto insurance.  I sold it to get your Christmas gift, okay?  But it’s fine…really.  I just didn’t want to tell you and have you feel bad…”  

          She trailed off, and Killian knew he should say something, but once again, she had stolen all the air he needed to speak. He darted forward impulsively, cupping her chin in his palm and tilting her pretty face up to his.  He let his thumb caress the little dimple in her chin affectionately, and then he shook his head in awe.  “You didn’t have to do that for me, Swan.  Your friendship, honestly, is gift enough.  But I thank you…truly.  Just don’t look like that.  It was a beautiful thing you did, and I wish that my gift would be the expression of appreciation I had hoped for...”

          Her brow furrowed adorably, finding herself the one confused now, and he wanted to lean forward to kiss the little crease so badly he had to bite his bottom lip to avoid it.  “Now you’re the one not making sense,” she accused.

          “I bought snow chains for the Bug and a prepaid coupon to have the brakes replaced as well.  It isn’t a very romantic gift, I’m well aware, but I know you’ve been worried about paying for the work before the ice and snow really fly.  Now, though…”

           She shook her head, reaching up a finger to press to his lips and stop his apologetic confession.  “I really appreciate that, Killian.  It would have been perfect, and a real relief if the care were still mine to worry over.  The thought’s what counts anyway, right?  Come on, play me one carol before we eat.  Please?”

         Gathering his courage, Killian wet his lips and gazed down at her, holding her in his view for as long as possible, wondering how he ever came to be so close to such a perfectly unassuming angel.  “I hope you still feel that way in a moment, Love,” he whispered.  “I’ll treasure your gift.  It’s wonderful I assure you, but I can’t play you a song at present.”

         “And why not?” Emma asked, but something about the way tears seemed to instantly well in her eyes, told him she had put the puzzle together at last.

         “How do you think I procured your gifts?” he finally asked softly, a wry smile lifting one corner of his lips as he stared down at her.

         “Killian…you didn’t…your brother’s guitar?  Oh no, I would have never asked you to give that up for me.”

         “I know that, Emma.  Of course you wouldn’t.  But you are the first person who has meant as much to me as Liam did. You’ve brought me back to life in some ways.  I wanted to show you how necessary, how vital, you are in my life. Pretty words don’t show what actions can, you’ve taught me that.  I was attempting to express my feelings with action.”

        She blinked up at him, one solitary tear trekking silently down her cheek even as a wobbly smile bloomed to accompany it. Her voice was nearly breathless when she asked him, hopefully, “What feelings are talking about, Killian?”

         “That I,” he swallowed, words failing him as surely as they often did her in this weighted moment.  “That I…. Oh, bloody hell!”  He finally gave up speaking and swept her into his arms desperately.  His relief and the warmth flooding through him when she responded by opening to him and pulling him close just as tightly were enough to make them both sway on their feet.  Their gifts to each other may have been ill-chosen, or perhaps they had been the best gifts possible, finally making what they really wanted from each other clear, but he could only be grateful as he lifted her off her feet and delved deeper into the kiss.  Emma hummed happily, warm and welcoming, and now sifting her fingers through his hair and sending shivers down his spine.  

         “I love you too,” she murmured against his lips, a quiet, secretive little grin on her own.

         “Good,” he responded before moving in once again, content to keeping kissing her right on into the New Year.

[mikazukikannagisjourney]

Last Chance to Make New Year’s Resolutions Come to Fruition: Spring Equinox Message!

Abstract: Spring Equinox this year also coincides with the coming of Aries season and the astrological new year. Thus, making new beginnings and commitments have much more momentum right now. Make the changes you wanted in your life, the universe supports your goal!

With all the crazy and chaotic energies happening in the world, don’t we all want our lives to move forward? Yes, it can be quite frustrating to be stuck somewhere all day, especially when we have been used to having a lot of activities outside. But instead of thinking that cabin fever sucks, why not use this chance to make lasting changes? Especially with the Spring Equinox coming tomorrow, March 20, 2020 (equal day and night time that signals the move towards spring and summer), this is a great opportunity to make and keep new year goals and resolutions that seem to be evasive since the Gregorian year started. And by Gregorian year I mean the start of 2020.

It is also very important to note that not only is tomorrow the earth starts shifting towards longer days and shorter nights here in the Northern Hemisphere, and longer nights and shorter days in the Southern Hemisphere (showering love to everyone through inclusion), but tomorrow also coincides with the beginning of the new Astrological Year as well as Aries season, so that’s quite a double dose of energies that can push forward the major bulldozing and removal of everything that no longer works, relationships that have grown stale, previous ideas and beliefs that feel so alien because these no longer reflect the wonderful person you have grown into, and all the things, material or non-material that have been sucking your high vibrational energies dry and have been causing you so much unnecessary stress. Seriously, despite the disease scare** across the world, getting even more stressed will only affect the immune system even more negatively by reducing the production of White Blood Cells (imagine: Less Macrophage waifus in your body. Or if you like Killer T’s or our good old pal Neutrophil-sempai yeah sure. Lol I love Cells at Work - Hataraku Saibou so yeah, I am doing my best to make things light here) so might as well take precautions on the personal level because that’s the only thing each person can have almost 100% control over.  Other than that, I think this is a great opportunity to revamp our lives in however ways we want. But if you feel like it’s already too late to start anew and go over your January goals...

YOU’RE STILL FINE, LET’S DO IT!! We still have a big push to start this thing!

So ditch the guilt for not starting early enough, you’re gonna be OK because for the next 5 days the Equinox energies are here to help all of us (believers or not) move forward to our new life chapters as well as into the new decade. And it’s a great wave that we can all catch and reap the benefits as well as the rewards from.

But hoooow?

Well, I am glad you asked. What is wonderful about these energies is that aside from helping us move forward with what we want, we can also better align with the higher vibrational versions of our selves aka HIGHEST SELF so that we not only can make personal goals that we absolutely want to happen, but also next-level goals, the divinely-guided ones that can steer us into the person we were supposed to be. These are the goals that can shape and transform us and our inner world. And spoiler alert: these are not all earthly goals. Some of these can be goals that you never expected to even think of dreaming to achieve. So you might wanna think about that too.

Thus the next 5 days starting from the equinox is  a great way to start meditating (if you haven’t already) and asking the universe, source, god, friendly star entities, whoever and whatever you consider your higher power to provide you guidance on what you need to do to grow into the person who shines their light in these dark and tumultuous times. And be open-minded on what answers will pop up. Ponder and meditate on those too. Just feel free to play with whatever you pick up while you meditate: visions; smells; sounds; textures; tastes; the whole gamut of feelings available.

But what if I don’t have any unfulfilled goals right now? I started them all and finished more than half before January ended.

Then you are amazing! Honestly. And what better way to celebrate than making a fresh new inner self, because that part of you that already achieved your goals is for sure wanting to set new ones, maybe more flexible and chillax visions of you. So you still would benefit from getting an inner-self revamp and goal revamping or revisiting.

How to do this?

Also simple. Here are some suggested steps:

List all of your new year goals 

Tick the ones that you accomplished 

Write your feelings when you accomplished them 

See if it’s a goal that can get better through an upgrade (eg. saved x amount of cash. next goal can be save 2x amount of cash), and lastly,

Ask yourself: Is this goal worth upgrading or is it worth making new goals?

If you feel deep within your heart that upleveling your goal is worth it because you know 100% that you’ll feel so happy and fulfilled doing it, then please do, by all means! Any and all forms of growth and development are wonderful, and that’s also going to improve your skills in the long run. Who knows, you can grow into an expert in that field too. So yeah, I support you!

But.. What if a considerable chunk of what you did and accomplished didn’t give you the amount of satisfaction that you were expecting to receive? Or, you felt drained?

Don’t despair, my friend, because all of those activities ARE NOT IN VAIN. These are not a waste of time. Why? Because at the very least, they’re great lessons made especially for you. It just means that your inner self just wants to get more out of life, and you’re starting to yearn for bigger goals. Maybe goals that you haven’t thought of doing yet, or goals that you kept shoving in the back of the oven. Or it is also possible that you just need to expand your comfort zone, or do stuff you haven’t done before but were always chilling at the corner of your mind. It is also possible that you just need to do something new, just to feel alive.

Whatever the case, a breath of fresh air is what the doctor recommends. And you can definitely benefit by harnessing the incoming Equinox energies! Aside from asking the higher dimensional realms for extra guidance and support. I mean, any form of support and cheering is better than none so why not take this chance as well? What is there to lose?

If you’ll ask me, you can only gain newer perspectives. Newer ways of solving things. Newer ways of looking at things. Once you’ve crossed that path, you can only go forward, because neural networks get rewired each time you CHOOSE to change and EMBRACE everything that goes with it. Basically BECOMING the identity instead of just seeing yourself as someone who does things is a better goal because by BECOMING, it becomes who you are as your own personal choice. For me, my personal identity is a life-long learner who learns to improve my personal life and other people’s too. Yeah I got this idea from Vishen Lakhiani, it makes so much sense to me because I was already doing identity shifting even before he coined the term. Fun 13 years that was, and counting. So it’s both borrowed and personal, I couldn’t care any less lol

OK past this point are personal ramblings. You can end your reading here =) Thank you and be blessed always!

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Of course, changing things just when things are getting settled can be very, very unsettling. For me, even if I am open to changes, it can still get really annoying. I already started going out of my comfort zone as advised by my higher self since November last year, and it’s not as easy as I wanted it to be, because I had to purge so much stuff, more than my body could ever handle. I also started to purge inherited emotions, ideas, patterns, karmas, and all that garbage that I have been holding onto energetically, because aside from not being for my highest good, these things have held me back because deep down, I KNOW that I can do more and be more. I am B-MO lol but really, aren’t we all B-MO? =D

I wish I wasn’t kidding when I kept saying that it wasn’t easy making changes. Honestly, it wasn’t. We’re hardwired to be habitual creatures, it’s in our DNA, and by going against our instincts and relying more on intuition can feel like swimming upstream, up a waterfall. Also, I have a stubborn streak (a Saturnian gift which I am doing my best to be happy with), which can really get in the way of instilling new habits and schedules, especially just implementing a weekly Kundalini meditation to clear off energies and learning new stuff. Another thing that is tripping me up right now is adding my paypal donation link below each post, which is pretty much divinely-guided and right now I am hoping that some magic can happen, one way or another. It felt uncomfortable but I also chose to do it, even if a tiny part of me, the fearful one who wants me to stay in poverty consciousness is guilt-tripping me even until now. If I could just obliterate that part of me so that I can let abundance come in, I will do it in a heartbeat. And right now I am still in that process so wish me luck to succeed.

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Well, this turned out to be longer than I intended it to be. But still, I hope it helps others a lot, even just one person. Of course, if it helps more then the better it is to have this posted. 

One last thing: An Energy-infused photo to support you with the incoming Spring Equinox energies:

If you reached this part of the post, seriously thank you so much. You can have all my hugs, my UwUs, and uhm.. Everything else in between. UwU

Be blessed by the Divine Realm always, and may you become the healing you deserve.

Mikazuki

PS. If you found the information in this post to be very helpful, insightful, and of great value to you and your own personal journey, please feel free to reblog, share and heart/like, or if you feel super-generous, energetic exchanges are welcomed! Please click here and use this email address: may_chan_otaku@yahoo.com 

Thank you so much and be blessed!

More personal rants under the slash lol no need to read unless you want to get triggered lol

----Trigger warnings: ranting--------

**  I personally believe that the “pandemic” is nothing more than a scare tactic instigated by uhm, “you know who” (Voldemort? Sauron? lol) because based on some of the statistics which I have been doing my best to read, the disease only affects susceptible members of the population aka people with weak or compromised immune systems, especially people around the age of 60 years and above. Also I am miffed that many reports kept focusing on number of deaths instead of adding very pertinent info such as total number of cases, demographics of suspected and infected individuals and number of deaths versus total number of cases with full age demographic of the entire population of infected individuals as well as the entire population structure of each country. I am basically saying that a lot of things should be considered before making rational or irrational choices or procedures, because any incomplete info or analysis can affect decision-making and make matters worse. I believe it’s called looking at all options including past events and how these were mitigated and assesing all possible ways to create solutions. Seriously, deciding out of hightened emotions and under fear can create more horrible events. Try deciding from a place of confidence, peace, love, and gobbling a lot of information and regurgitating that information to create BETTER solutions. Sheesh.

As with most of the diseases out there, proper hygiene and personal responsibility are still the most important things each person can do to control ALL COMMUNICABLE DISEASES. And in my own, personal opinion, some other viral and parasitic diseases have more lethal effects because ALL members of the entire population demographic can readily die from it without proper detection and care. Think HIV, Dengue fever, trypanosome diseases, malaria, etc.. Just my two cents on this whole thing. But if you disagree then it’s fine. I still love you OK? I guess I am a lot more passionate than I should be because I love studying epidemiology and pathogens and how these things can be controlled, plus some background on cell signalling and formation of cells helps a lot. I wasn’t kidding when I said I learn and apply what I learned to help myself and other people, that’s a large part of my personal identity. =)

[sund0wnkid]

Fear

young man

I told her that I was a god. She asked me where was my prophet. I told her I was a king. She asked me where was my kingdom. I told her I was a leader. She asked me where are my followers. I told her I was a man. She asked what made that so. I told her that I do not know.

Goddamn, I don’t know. Not knowing is what frustrates me the most. I would willingly resign to accept a fate that would have me pinned to the bottom of the barrel if and only if I could know that was indeed my future. Not to say that I would make such a deal but, if my life truly was destined to be crappy—I would like to know. Not out of some self-pitying way—no. I would like to know because I would want to know where to place my energies.

If I knew that I would never escape poverty (fingers crossed that that is not the case) then I would look elsewhere to fulfill myself rather than desperately toiling hours-on-end to find a clear path to financial stability amongst the plethora of dead-end jobs and voracious bill collectors. If, the heavens cracked open, and an archangel came down from the ruptured sky amidst bright permeating flashes of white light whilst a thousand cherubs played an all-brass fanfare hailing his descent to plop a fortune cookie slip in my lap; and that slip were to say, “you will never find the means to live a luxurious life”, I’d be ok with that.

Of course, I would be distraught and beside myself for quite some time as I processed the magnitude of how much time and energy that I’ve invested in pursuing a dream that will never come to fruition. But after the tears have dried and the tsunami waves of existential dread have given way to ripples, I feel that I could find a fresh pursuit in life. Understanding that my efforts toward living life like a member of the American upper-middle class are for naught, I would seek out something that does not compel me to endure the grating pain of giving my whole life in return for scraps.

Quite honestly, with all this being said, I don’t know if I should drop this potentially futile endeavor, of grinding through college, collecting credentials, locating a career, competing for a job position, and retaining a job long enough to no longer be poor, for something that is more likely to show me love. I’m not saying that something would be fresh baked cookies and sunshine all the time but, I would expect, I would hope, that I get in what I put out.

**********

“Peace in yearning/Floating on desperation” – “Paradise” The Caged Bird Writes by Julian Marshall

peace in yearning

Those who truly understand will have endured years under an endless hurricane; will have clawed through the churning oceans of misfortune; will have been tossed and turned as sharks tore off pounds of flesh as penance for their existence; and salt will have washed their wounds with callous indifference as they yearned for peace but only found peace in yearning.

Suppose a divine messenger does not stop me on my journey to live a minimally stressed life. Suppose I continue to trudge onward with no indication whatsoever that I should stop. Perhaps trudging onward is too glib of a phrase to accurately convey the allure of staying on this path. Presently, I see multiple well-worn paths, their respective destinations would ostensibly offer peace of mind as I would have the means to provide a stable life for myself and for others. Oh, I sense a big “but” coming along and we shall take a look at it right after I briefly address why a stable life is so appealing.

First, a life that is mostly good, a life in which I am not struggling tremendously and frequently is desirable to me. Desirable simply because it is comfortable, I needn’t worry about sustenance nor safety. My concerns would revolve around living the most bourgeois life of moderate decadence and white-picket-fencedness that I could attain which leads me to the other side of what makes a stable life appealing.

Second, pickney (heh heh, I just like the word) is a chief concern of mine, for mostly selfish reasons of having my name and receding-hairline-genetics carried on, (just kidding, I haven’t quite parsed out why I want kids but I know that I would want to raise some). With this in mind, I believe that it is the duty of parents to be able to provide a stable life for their pickney’s first two decades of life. Thus, a stable life is appealing because it would enable me to raise pickney, hopefully to my satisfaction.

See, brief. I can further expand and expound upon those two points in another essay, I do not believe that I have conveyed, with complete fidelity, the appeal of a bourgeois life. The image (honestly, more like a hastily drawn stick-figure sketch) that I have drawn up does not completely capture my aspirations, but it does enough to outline my desires that would be satisfied by walking along the worn paths of those who came before me and that is all I need for this piece.

Considering this shortcoming I can imagine that the only folks who can flesh out the skeleton that I have half-assembled are those who have floated on desperation for years. For such individuals attaining peace, peace of mind, is THE ultimate goal, anything beyond this seemingly simplistic peace could be considered frivolous—understandably so. When one recalls the times when all that they had besides nothing was pain, attaining peace whether by way of a bourgeois life or other methods is a blessing that assuages and soothes the throbbing scars of life. However, before we go on any further let us give our attention to that big “but”.

Ahem.

A stable life in which I can be mostly comfortable and raise my pickney in a stable environment is indeed appealing, appealing precisely because it is peaceful, but I must wonder who would find something more appealing than a mostly bourgeois life accompanied by pickney, something more appealing than peace of mind with a dollop of socially acceptable extravagance on top. I wonder because I have envisioned my peaceful life with my pickney and in those visions I saw that my pickney would not have the pain of cosmic misfortune imprinted on their memories and as such would have naively nursed ambitions beyond a peaceful life, blind to the misfortunes that lie beyond a peaceful life. Thus, we have our answer, perhaps it is only the blind who would search for treasures beyond peace. Perhaps it’s a part of a tragic cycle for parents to produce blind pickney and for those pickney to stumble into the storm of life. Perhaps only those who can stay out of the storm were meant to achieve peace.

Or.

Perhaps, my imaginary pickney are not blind. Perhaps, because they do not have pain imprinted on their memories, perhaps because they do not have trauma tattooed into their skin, perhaps because they have never feared the pain of life they can freely pursue their ambitions. It would be fair to speculate that perhaps their ambitions will shrivel up and die upon first contact with strife however, that is not what I would like to examine. Let me turn your attention to a clear yet overlooked contrast that I have made between I and my pickney: Fear and the absence of Fear.

Pain is a universally experienced sensation (I promise that I’ll keep this portion of my pontification brief). It can be experienced in the briefest of moments or over the course of the longest lifetimes and it can cause paralysis of equally varying lengths. I, myself, have experienced pain in waves, some waves rocking the boat, others capsizing my life, each one leaving its own indelible scar and each scar violently flooding my body with paralysis at each recollection, waterboarding my mind with the memories of irredeemable mistakes and powerlessness more potently felt than a bottle of Jamaican rum. The fear of pain and powerlessness props me up as I navigate my way to a place where I believe I will have no need of fear.

I would imagine that such a place would insulate my pickney from similar pain and thus allow them to pursue soaring aspirations that I would not dare entertain. If this low fidelity rendering is not clear enough to convey my vision then consider the archetypical immigrant parents from a country that is economically disadvantaged and have seen poverty in its ugliest and most heartbreaking form. Imagine their pickney who has never seen the true bottom of the socioeconomic pyramid telling them that they want to be something other than a doctor, lawyer, engineer, or businessperson. If you’re imagining what I imagine then all Hell would break loose as soon as the words “I don’t want to be…” left the unsuspecting pickney’s mouth. The resulting confusion, anger, and anxiety would have something to do, at least in part, with the parents’ experience with the unequivocally unattractive alternatives to the well-worn predetermined routes leading to a comfortable life.

Now at this point in my shamelessly pretentious and needlessly bloated essay you must be wondering (as am I) what is the point that I am getting at. Well to wrap this up quickly, it seems to me that the only individuals who can have a desire beyond living a comfortable life are those who do not fear the pain of living a life that is less than comfortable after failing in their respective endeavors. In the case of my pickney their fearlessness would come out of youthful naivete whereas my fearlessness would have to come out of something else. I am not completely sure of what that “something else” might be but I have a strong reckoning that it is faith, faith in myself, faith that I am stronger than the storm of life. This strong reckoning leads me to my dilemma, I am torn between faith in myself and fear that I am not strong enough to weather the storm, fear that I would be sacrificing a comfortable life for more pain.

Perhaps there is a promised land for me just beyond the hurricane yet all I see are the massive waves underneath the brewing clouds ready to swallow me whole and I don’t know whether I’ll be able to taste something beyond the peace I that yearn or be left broken and battered floating on desperation.