#my mental health is doing so great. everything is going just swimmingly

[sleepyezzy]

ok theres blood obviouslr. and a gun. its not colored tho

does anyone wanna see sketchbook dead. im quite proud of it

[swimmingnewsie]

Of Coffee and Cookies (Chapter 15)

TW: Mental Health Crisis. Please take care of self.

Love you all!

Link to AO3

---

“I know she means well, but sometimes it feels like she’s smothering me. I can take care of myself. I did it for five years. I'm not fragile." Anna sighed. She needed this session. Knowing that her therapist wasn't there to make her feel bad about what she was feeling helped immensely. Her feelings were still intense, but with the therapist, processing them wasn't as scary. She was allowed to feel everything, even the bad thoughts.

"And have you talked to your sister about that?" 

Anna shook her head. “I don’t want to upset her. She’s done so much to help me and I don’t want to make her mad at me.”

Her therapist gave her that damned head tilt. She knew it was her way of indicating that Anna was having a distorted thought, but Anna couldn’t but feel as if she were in trouble in some way. “Why do you think you’ll upset her?”

Her eyes scrunched up, and she bit her lip nervously. “Because she’s doing things. She’s being so kind and caring, and I don’t want to ruin that.” 

“And do you think that telling your sister you’re upset will stop her from helping you?” Anna sighed. She hated this part of therapy. It just seemed like they were talking in circles. Of course she thought Elsa would be upset for denying her kindness. Her sister could be explosive at times when they were younger. Granted it was a side effect of years of untreated anxiety and mood disorders. But that fear always lingered, even if her sister hadn’t had an explosive episode in years. Anna was not prepared to be the reason she went off. 

“I do.”

“What is your main fear of telling her?”

She felt a chill run down her spine. "That she wouldn't want me around anymore. Call me ungrateful and make me feel guilty."

Her therapist nodded, writing a note on her legal pad. It always made Anna feel off when her therapist wrote in that stupid pad. “How else might she react if you told her?”

Anna shrugged, “I don’t know. Ignore me? Give me a cold shoulder?” Blow up completely in her face?

“Perhaps,” her therapist said. “Do you remember when I told you about the negative attribution bias?”

Her mind raced. The phrase was familiar, but she couldn’t quite place it. “Kind of?”

“It makes you think the worst in people and that any situation will turn out badly.” she said, tweaking her glasses. “It’s very common in people with post-traumatic stress disorder.” 

Post-traumatic stress disorder? She wasn’t a veteran. She couldn’t have that. 

“I know you don’t like talking about labels, but it’s something that might help you understand it better. It’s a protective mechanism. It’s isn’t necessarily good or bad, but if you can identify it, then you might be able to use it to help yourself.

“He left an impact on you, Anna. And it’s okay that you’re still feeling those impacts. I know it’s hard to talk about, but it’s something to keep in mind when you have these kinds of thoughts.” 

Anna took a deep breath, feeling anger building in her. She hated this so much. Hans wasn’t even here he still was ruining her. When she was younger, she was the eternal optimist, the embodiment of happiness. She had lost so much, but she thought that at least that was still in tact. But she knew it was a delusion.

He had taken that too. 

“What’s going through your mind? What are you feeling?” the therapist asked after letting the silence linger a moment.

“I feel angry,” she replied, eyes squinted closed. “He takes and he takes and he takes. And I can’t get rid of him, no matter what I try. And I know Elsa isn’t Hans, but I can’t help but think everyone will react like he does and I can’t stop it. I can’t stop it.”

Tears fell down her face. It wasn’t uncommon for her to cry in therapy, but she still didn’t like the feeling of laying her soul out in the open. It felt like physical pain, her heart raw and hurting. 

“He changed you, that’s true. All relationships change people, Miss Anna. But not all change is negative. Do you think you can think of something positive that has come from this fallout?”

The change in pace helped to redirect her mind. Good things. Positive things. “I got to reconnect with Elsa since Mom and Dad.”

Her therapist nodded. “You did. What else?”

It took her a little longer to think. “I have more friends. I have a job. I have my own money.”

“And do you think those are bad things because they came about because of him?”

Anna shook her head. She wouldn’t give up her relationships with Elsa and Maren and Ryder and Kristoff for anything. Even though her job was giving her troubles, she could buy things on her own. She didn’t need permission to do the things she wanted. It was nice. 

“You don’t have to be afraid of your sister, Anna. From what you’ve told me, it sounds like she’s doing what she thinks is helpful for you. I think she is reasonable enough to listen to what you’re telling her and work with you to do something that is helpful for you.”

Anna felt her breath slow. Her therapist was right. Her sister may get upset, but it wasn't the same as when Hans got upset. Elsa would listen to her where Hans would belittle her. "I think you're right."

Her therapist nodded before shifting in her seat and putting down her legal pad. "Now before we close out our session, let's talk about your homework for the week."

Anna nodded, shifting uncomfortably in her seat. Though it was a normal part of their process, homework still made her uncomfortable at times. Goal setting was good- every self help book she had been reading told her so- but sometimes it just made her feel set up for failure when the days were hard. 

“I know homework has been tough the last few weeks. What do you think feels like a manageable goal for this week?”

Anna’s eyes perked up. Choosing something for herself might make it a little easier, rather than piecing together the crumbs her therapist had probably been leaving through the session that she hadn’t been picking up on. “Hmmm,” she hummed thinking.

What could she do? She could do anything right? The idea of limitless possibilities was a little scary. But she had to do something. “I don’t really know,” she admitted sheepishly. 

“Well,” her therapist started, looking to the ground with a calculated look on her face. “You said that you’ve been reading self help books again, yes?”

Anna nodded. It wasn’t much, but it was something that she felt she could do between sessions to feel a little less alone. But if she was already doing it, then why would she have that be her homework for the coming weeks?

“Those books tend to have little goals etched in them to help people feel better. Can you think of any tips from the book that you’ve wanted to try out?”

“Running.”

The word slipped out of her mouth before she even had time to think. She hadn’t been running since she was on track in high school. She almost had a scholarship, but after Hans, that all fell by the wayside. She missed the feeling of the wind in her hair, the ache in her legs. The all too real runner’s high. It made her feel good. 

“That sounds like a great step. Now let’s make it a concrete goal. The next right thing.”

Anna gave a small smile.  The next right thing indeed.

---

A few days later, Anna found herself huffing to run out of her apartment. Elsa had been intense the last few days. Her sister was clearly stressed over work, but was still trying to hover over Anna and make sure she wasn’t on the verge of a panic attack. It was unsettling.

“Are you sure you don’t want me to come with you? I promise I have time if you don’t want to go alone.”

Anna rolled her eyes, shifting her hold arm band into place. “Elsa, I’m not going to die if I’m away from you for one second, I swear.”

“I know that, but-”

“Do you?” Anna interrupted, feeling a surge of anger and discontent. It was uncomfortable, but she needed to let it out. “I’m not a child, Elsa! I can manage a walk by myself. I swear, you can be so- so- insufferable sometimes!” She could see the hurt in her sister’s eyes, but couldn’t feel the pang of guilt underneath the relief of letting go of her emotions.

“I- I’m sorry. Go for your walk. I’ll see you later.”

Her anger had ended just as quickly as it had started. Anna’s eyes softened. “No, Elsa I’m sorry. I-”

“No. You don’t have to apologize,” she said a bit dejectedly. “Just go for your run. I’ll be here when you get back.”

“El-”

“Go.”

Anna huffed running out the door. That had gone about as swimmingly as she had hoped it would. She secured her keys and phone before heading out into the early spring afternoon.

It was the perfect day for her running experiment. It was a bit cool out, but not cold. The sun felt nice on her face, warm and comforting. She picked up an easy pace, easing her body back into the familiar motions. And though it had been almost five years since she ran, it felt as though it had been but a day.

The comfort was short lived however. Her mind wandered as she went down streets and avenues. Worries about her words with Elsa filled her thoughts. It wasn’t so much a fight as a squabble, but she knew it had affected her sister. This time was meant to be for her, though, not to worry about her sister. So, she pushed the thoughts from her mind and worked to enjoy herself, not exactly paying attention to her surroundings. 

Until something- or rather someone- ran into her. 

Anna yelped in pain, caught off guard by the sudden movement. “Hey! Watch where you’re going!”

“Sorry! Sorry! Are you okay?”

A woman with spiked mutli-colored hair did her best to pick the two of them up. Anna would have sworn she was also running if not for the fact she practically jumped into Anna.

"I've been better," Anna said dusting herself off. "What are you in such a rush for? You training for a marathon or something?"

"Or something," she smiled. "Ever heard of parkour?"

Anna nodded and gave a slight tilt of her head. She didn't realize people actually did that anymore. Not seriously anyway. "Yeah. But why are you doing it?"

The woman laughed. "The university sponsors a class in the park for it. I figured it could up my mail carrier game."

Anna smiled herself. "A parkouring mailwoman? Now that's something you don't hear everyday."

"Person." they corrected. "Mail person. I'm non-binary."

Anna felt the blood rush to her face. Oh god, she didn't mean to make this person uncomfortable. Why couldnt she keep her stupid mouth shut? "I'm sorry, I-"

They waved her off. "It's okay happens all the time. I'm Gale. How about you?"

She let go of a breath she didn't realize she was holding. "Anna," she said with a warm smile.

"Well, Anna, perhaps you would want to try out the parkour class? Seems like something for a fast runner like you," they teased.

Anna tried to think of a million reasons to say no. She would be late for an appointment. Elsa would get worried. She would miss her shift. But something silenced those thoughts.

"I think that sounds incredible."

---

"It was incredible, Maren! I've never felt anything like it."

Anna's grin hadn't left her face since she did her first tuck and roll. Parkour was exhilarating. It combined the high energy she loved about running, but also let her feel like a little kid again swinging and flowing through the park. She took a quick bite of her frozen yogurt, trying to both enjoy the treat but also ride the high of telling her friends.

It was a nice tradition they had, getting some kind of frozen treat every week. She truly did enjoy spending time with Honeymaren. Especially after everything that had taken place in Denver, she had found a true friend in her sister’s girlfriend. And her sister’s girlfriend’s brother.

“And Ryder, you would absolutely love it. It’s the thrill of climbing trees on steroids.”

Ryder smiled at her, laughing. “I’ve done it a few times at this obstacle gym. If I had known that you would be into it we could have gone a long while ago.”

Anna puffed out her cheeks. “You’ve been parkouring before and you never told me?” she teased.

Maren gave a slight smile. “Probably because he falls more than he runs and jumps over things.”

“I do not!” he laughed, swatting at his sister’s arm. “I just- I just like to test gravity every once in a while. That’s all.”

“Sounds a lot like falling to me, baby brother,” she teased.

“First off, that’s not correct and you know it. And second what if I am falling? It’s all about the momentum, baby.”

Maren shoved her brother. “Yeah yeah, you big goof.”

Anna smiled watching the siblings banter with one another. She sighed, getting lost in thought again. She hoped she and Elsa would be okay when they were both home. Elsa was currently in her own therapy session for the week. Afterwards, they would probably both be calm enough to deal with their little squabble. 

She felt her phone vibrating. That was probably Elsa there, calling for her ride home.

“Hi, Elsa. Are you ready to go?”

“Miss Arendelle, this is Julia from Berkeley Behavioral Health. Do you have a moment?”

---

Anna sped the entire way home. Julia from Berekley told her that her sister had missed her appointment two weeks in a row, and that they wanted to check up on her after some things she had mentioned in session. Damned confidentiality left Anna fearing the worst. Maren was also incredibly worried, coming with her without a moment’s hesitation. At least Anna wasn’t alone in whatever she was about to face. She knew her sister’s past better than anyone. And the thought terrified her.

“Elsa?”

Tentatively, Anna walked into the apartment, doing her best not to startle her sister.. But that quietness proved unnecessary as she entered the living room.

Elsa was lying on the floor curled up in a ball, rocking back and forth as harsh sobs came from her chest. Papers and books were strung about the room, her laptop lay haphazardly on the couch as if it could give her any answers to whatever her problems were. “I can’t- I can’t do this.”

She kept repeating it over and over again.

“Elsa. Elsa.” Anna ran towards her sister, careful to be close but not touch. Elsa was incredibly sensitive to all sensation at times like this. Anxiety attacks were one thing, but she had never seen her sister this broken before. She had no idea what might happen if she tried to hug her without asking, no matter how much she wanted to wrap her sister up and protect her from whatever had her hurting so bad.

“Anna?” She looked up wearily. Her eyes were bloodshot, makeup worn away from tears exposed just how tired her sister was. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” She reached out her arms, grabbing onto her sister into a tight hug.

“You’re okay, Elsie. You’re okay,” she said, trying to keep her own tears from falling. Her sister needed her, even if she was scared out of her mind. Anna looked over to Maren, who was just as terrified as she was. 

Her sister was too inconsolable. And if Elsa’s therapist was concerned enough to call her emergency contact, something was seriously up. They needed help, even if Elsa would resist. “Else, do you think you can come with me and go see Julia?”

“No, no!” Elsa shrieked. “They’re- they’re gonna lock me up. I don’t- I don’t wanna go.”

Anna shook her head. “They aren’t gonna lock you up, sissy. Remember? They only do that if they think you’re at risk, remember what you told me?”

“Risk to self, risk to others,” Elsa said, a bit quieter than before. “But, but I am. I’m a monster.”

“No, no,” she shushed. “Not a monster. Upset, yes. Anxious, yes. But never a monster, sissy.” Anna locked eyes with Maren, mouthing to get her phone. “It’s gonna be okay. It’s gonna be okay, you’ll see. We’re just going to talk with Julia, do what we can to help you settle, okay?” 

Elsa cried harder, rocking back and forth. “Don’t let them take me away.”

Anna’s heart broke. “I won’t let them. I promise.”

Elsa didn’t argue her words, giving her full trust to Anna it seemed. She made a promise, and damn it she was going to keep it come hell or high water. They would go to the crisis counseling center and it would all be better. They would come home, and they would be safe, and all this would be over.

At least she could hope.

[tediousoscars]

2018

Predict-o-meter: This year: 8/12; Total: 99/119 (83%)

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, and friends beyond the binary: It is time once again to set aside our daily woes and discuss all things Oscar.

This year’s class of 8 Best Picture nominees is extremely solid. There are no real clunkers, but, in my mind there are 4 soaringly great films, 3 solidly good films, and one … problematic film that is both great and not so great. We’ll get to that.

But keep in mind that even though I am using my traditional Contenders/Pretenders bifurcation there are no films below that I would recommend you avoid. They are all very good.

- THE CONTENDERS -

Black Panther. The beauty of this film is that it works so well on so many different levels. If you are simply looking for a blockbuster spectacle to munch popcorn to, you will not be disappointed; it totally works on that level. And even though it is the 18th(!) installment in Marvel Studios’ Cinematic Universe of inter-related films, “Black Panther” may be enjoyed on its own in isolation; if you have never seen another Marvel movie (Really? What is WRONG with you?) you won’t feel at all lost. And that is all well and good; I love a good blockbuster as much as the next guy. But that won’t get you Oscar Nominations. For that, we need to dig a little deeper. On the next level down, it’s just a really good movie. Great characters who are well-developed and three-dimensional, a compelling story told with humor and drama in equal measures, gorgeous cinematography and costumes that bring an imagined world to life, and an all-star cast of talented actors who are clearly giving it their all. The heart and soul of “Black Panther” is the fictional land of Wakanda: a central African nation hit with a meteor in the distant past that provided ancient Wakandans with access to vibranium, a near-magical metal that allowed them to develop advanced technology well before the rest of the world. Technology that they used to hide themselves away while developing ever more advanced weapons and transportation, including the technology that turns their tribal King into the titular super-powered protector. And herein lies the central conflict of the film: A Wakandan spy on assignment in Oakland in the 90s becomes disillusioned by the disparity between the safety and comfort that Wakandans enjoy and the degradation and oppression faced by members of the African Diaspora across the globe. When he is taken out by Wakandan authorities he leaves behind a young son who grows up hell-bent on avenging his father, but also determined to complete his father’s mission of using Wakandan technology to uplift all those of African descent. This isn't the standard “Good vs. Evil” we’ve come to expect from superhero movies. It’s a more nuanced “Isolation vs. Engagement” discussion of the best way to allocate scarce resources for the greater good. At its greatest depth “Black Panther” is a thoughtful exploration of themes of racism and oppression, violence and statecraft, retribution and forgiveness that stands up to critical analysis. In interviews with the cast and crew it is obvious that they were very cognizant of the fact that with Wakanda they were essentially creating from whole cloth an African mythology that could play a role comparable to that of Camelot in the Anglo-Saxon imagination. They took this responsibility very seriously and were determined that everything associated with “Black Panther” be of the highest quality. They succeeded spectacularly. No matter how deeply you choose to look at this film you will not be disappointed. It succeeds on every level.

Bohemian Rhapsody. This story of iconic stadium anthem band Queen and their mercurial frontman, Freddy Mercury, was told with the full cooperation of the surviving band members, and one of their conditions was that it not have an R rating. This has led to some consternation and gnashing of teeth over Mercury’s legendary excesses being watered down. But I thought that the device they used was effective: Rather than show the actual debauchery the film focuses on the morning-after detritus. Mercury staggers blinking through a maze of prone bodies and over-turned furniture, empty glasses and bottles scattered hither and yon, cocaine residue coating every horizontal surface. But the film isn’t primarily about Mercury’s rock star life; it’s about the band and how they worked together and became a worldwide sensation despite significant headwinds - watching the label guys turn up their noses at the eponymous song (soon to become one of the most beloved rock songs of all time) is choice. Everything here is well done. The story unfolds naturally, the performances are all solid, and the insight into the inner workings of the band are illuminating. Yes, they have the unavoidable family squabbles, but for the most part it isn’t about ego, it’s about the music. They fight for their own individual interpretations and priorities, but they all share a common vision of what Queen should be, and that is the organizing principle for their conflicts, at least during the band’s formative period. It’s all entertaining and engaging and good, maybe even very good, but it’s just not great. Until, at the very end, a choice is made by the filmmakers that turns on the after-burners and vaults the film into the stratosphere. After an ill-fated attempt at a solo album, a chastened Mercury beseeches the band to get back together for Live Aid, the bi-continental music festival for African famine relief that was the biggest music event of its era. A typical movie would handle this either with a quick montage of the various songs played in the set, or perhaps, one single entire song. But for this film they recreated Queen’s 20-minute Live Aid set in its entirety; note for note, move for move. And they imbue the performance with the knowledge - not known to the general public at the time - that Freddy Mercury had been diagnosed with AIDS (at a time when this was a death sentence). It is breathtaking. Rami Malek is favored to win Best Actor for his turn as Mercury, and this climatic, thrilling set is a big part of the reason why.

The Favourite. This is not your typical costume period piece about palace intrigue. We are used to tropes in which strong, formidable women connive behind the scenes to manipulate the men in power to do what they want. But this is the court of Queen Anne of England (Olivia Colman), so a woman is already in charge. Or she would be if failing health and mental instabilities didn’t prevent her from being effective. Enter Sarah, Duchess of Marlborough (Rachel Weisz), childhood friend and sometime lover to the Queen, Sarah rules the roost on behalf of the Queen and does her best to steer the ship of state in the direction that she, and her stalwart Duke of a husband, sees as best. And it is all going swimmingly until Sarah’s cousin Abigail (Emma Stone) arrives impoverished and disgraced by some disastrous antics of her father's. Sarah graciously takes Abigail under her wing out of familial loyalty, but is soon out-maneuvered and her young cousin takes her place at the Queen’s side and in her bed. This is all entertaining enough, but there is a fascinating subtext. Though Sarah does love the Queen, it is her over-arching love of Britain that drives her to seek and wield power. By contrast, Abigail has been rich and she has been poor and she has decided that being rich is better. So all of her machinations are aimed solely at personal gain. The interplay between these three characters - Anne, Sarah, and Abigail - is so intricate and expertly portrayed that all three of the female leads have been nominated for their roles. And it’s not just a question of great acting; the film is visually interesting as well. Typical depictions of royal courts in film are brightly lit to highlight the garish colors of the clothes and tapestries that abound. Here, though, the film is shot using mostly natural light. The relatively muted tones and deep shadows serve to augment the feeling of stealth and intrigue that often accompanies a simple passage through a hallway. Great performances, compelling art direction, and a (nominated) screenplay that crackles with snark, “The Favourite” is an enjoyable romp that manages to provoke a few thoughts along the way.

Green Book. At it’s core “Green Book” is a road movie with a well-trodden premiss: Two characters with nothing in common and a healthy disdain for one another are forced by circumstances to drive across the country, mayhem ensues, and they become fast friends. We’ve seen it a hundred times, but I’m not sure we’ve ever seen it done this well. Dr. Don Shirley was fastidious, refined, educated (the “Dr.” comes from multiple Ph.D.s), erudite, and a virtuoso pianist with unique style and flair. Frank Anthony Vallelonga Sr., better known as Tony Lip, was a guido street-brawler from the Bronx with a strong moral code that didn’t always align perfectly with a strict interpretation of the law. He wasn't in the Mob, but he was certainly Mob-adjacent, and could have been made at the drop of a fedora if he’d chosen to. And they were real people. In the film Tony is hired to be driver/fixer to Dr. Shirley on a 2-month concert tour. And right there you have the makings of a perfectly serviceable buddy road trip movie. But wait, there’s more. Dr. Shirley happens to be Black. And gay. And the tour is through the Deep South. And it’s 1962. This is fraught territory, and there is great potential for the film to slip into awful stereotype or maudlin sentimentality. But the screenplay - written in part by Tony’s son Nick - navigates this minefield with deft courage. Tony evolves from a casual, thoughtless racism to a deep respect for Dr. Shirley, both as a man and as an artist. For his part, Dr. Shirley moves from disdain for Tony’s uncouth nature to grudging respect for his tenacity, loyalty, and unique ability to see through a problem to a solution. And eventually respect turns to affection, which is all very predictable, but as with any good road picture it’s about the journey, not the destination. And this journey is laid out in a thoroughly entertaining, natural, and believable fashion (Nick swears that every event depicted in the film actually happened). This is movie-making at its finest.

- THE MISFIT -

Roma. The problem with this film is that from a technical perspective it is a mind-blowing masterpiece, but from a narrative perspective it’s a little slow and sparse, if I’m feeling generous, and downright boring if I’m not. Director Alfonso Cuarón is a shoo-in to win Best Director for his brilliant technical work here. Shot in large-format digital black and white the film looks crisp and clean throughout. But what is more astonishing is the rich, vibrant world that Cuarón uses as a backdrop for his story, which would otherwise be small and fairly claustrophobic. Brass bands randomly march down side strides, people are shot from cannons, and lavish weddings take place in the background of what would otherwise be simple scenes with a few lines of dialog. This takes a 30-second scene of dialog - for which 6 takes could probably be done in an hour - and turns it potentially into a 3-day budget-busting ordeal because of the logistics of getting 150 people in place and properly lit. And he does this over and over again. It must have directors, cinematographers, and producers dropping their jaws, but none of this effort and virtuosity drives the plot forward one millimeter. The largely autobiographical narrative (one of the young boys presumably represents Cuarón as a child) centers around Cleo, an indigenous domestic working and living in the home of a well-off doctor in the Roma neighborhood of Mexico City circa 1970. There is drama as Cleo deals with an unexpected pregnancy and the doctor abandons the family in favor of a young mistress, but the action plays out languidly through a series of “slice of life” vignettes. You learn a lot about the daily routine within the household - putting children to sleep, cleaning up dog poop - but precious little about the inner lives of the characters portrayed. Each year movies are nominated for Best Picture that are not nominated for Best Director. I think a strong case can be made that “Roma” should have reversed this trend. Cuarón’s Best Director nomination is richly deserved, but overall this film is not Best Picture material. It is a movie made for people who make movies. If you are a film student or an aspiring director it is a must-see. But casual movie-goers looking for entertainment should probably look elsewhere.

- THE PRETENDERS -

BlacKkKlansman. “BlacKkKlansman,” like “Green Book,” takes on themes of racism through the recounting of an incredible real-life story. In this case our hero is Ron Stallworth, a young, ambitious detective with the Colorado Springs Police Department. As the Department’s first Black officer, Stallworth is given an assignment to go undercover and attend a campus rally by Kwame Ture, a firebrand leader of the Black Power movement. Finding that he likes undercover work, Stallworth impulsively reaches out to the local chapter of the Ku Klux Klan with an eye towards infiltrating the group. Over the phone he plays the part of white supremacist to a tee, but when he finagles a face-to-face meeting he quickly realizes that maybe he hasn’t thought this thing through. With the help of fellow detective Phil “Flip” Zimmerman (Adam Driver in a nominated role), Stallworth embarks on a Cyrano de Bergerac-esque escapade in which he talks to the Klan - including Grand Wizard David Duke - over the phone while Flip meets them in person. Director Spike Lee (nominated) has been known for his fireworks around issues of race in the past, but here he adopts an almost journalistic tone, presenting the story without hyperbole and letting the facts speak for themselves. This sounds laudable, but it actually serves to make the film feel a little … bland. Especially when combined with a very muted performance by John David Washington whose Stallworth always feels like he’s just trying to get through this scene before someone realizes he’s not supposed to be on set. Neither of these issues is enough to tilt the picture over into “bad” territory - it’s definitely interesting and entertaining - but they are enough to kick it out of Best Picture territory.

A Star is Born. There seems to have been a pact made with the Old Gods that in each generation the greatest female performer of her time must remake a version of the 1937 film “A Star is Born” starring Janet Gaynor. In 1954 it was Judy Garland, in 1976 it was Barbra Streisand’s turn, now, in 2018, the mantle falls to Lady Gaga, who was nominated for her efforts. By now the story is familiar: established star at the peak of his fame takes a talented ingénue under his wing only to watch her career take off while his crumbles. Bradley Cooper stars, directs, and worked on the screenplay; he was nominated for his portrayal of the gravel-voiced Jackson Maine, and for the screenplay, but not for his direction. Cooper’s Jack is an alcoholic with a troubled past, but is also a talented singer-songwriter and modern-day troubadour. When Gaga’s Ally - whom he plucked from obscurity singing torch songs in a New York City drag bar - starts to achieve success as his wanes, it is not simple jealousy that drives him off the deep end. He objects to the WAY she achieves success. In one of their first conversations Jack tells Ally, “There are lots of people with talent. But having something to say and being able to say it in a way that makes people listen? THAT’s special.” So when Ally starts writing catchy pop songs and performing on stage with backup dancers (à la Lady Gaga) Jack is perturbed, but is characteristically incapable of expressing his concerns without sounding unsupportive. So he bottles up his feelings and turns to the bottle. Both Cooper and Gaga give fantastic performances and there are several numbers that Gaga performs that are transcendent (I see big things for that girl). It’s definitely a solid film, and Gaga’s songs are worth the price of admission, but it just didn’t rise to the level of greatness in my mind.

Vice. There has been a bit of a hot streak of transformative performances portraying real-life political figures. I’m thinking particularly of Daniel Day-Lewis’ Lincoln and Gary Oldman’s Churchill. But in both of those cases the figure in question had pretty much faded from living memory. Not so with Dick Cheney, George W. Bush’s “Vice” President. Christian Bale (nominated) IS Dick Cheney to such an extent that if it weren’t for scenes depicting a young Cheney early in the film I don’t think I would have been able to identify the performer as Bale. It’s astonishing. And Amy Adams (nominated) is nearly as good as wife Lynne Cheney. But there is more to this film than just an epic performance by the leads. Director Adam McKay made his name with screwball comedies like “Anchorman” and “Step Brothers,” which most decidedly did not garner him Oscar nominations. But he turned a corner with 2015’s “The Big Short,” which did. Now he’s back and nominated again with “Vice” and, as with “The Big Short,” though he is swimming through serious waters he has not forgotten his comedic roots. “Vice” is by turns hilarious and infuriating, sometimes both at once. Given the current state of our politics the W era has taken on a warm glow of nostalgia for a time when, even if we didn’t agree with our leaders, we could sleep safe and secure in the knowledge that at least they weren’t actually agents of a foreign government. But “Vice” dredges up some of the seedier behind-the-scenes aspects to remind us that using Executive Privilege to undermine democracy is sadly nothing new. I probably should have liked “Vice” more than I did - Sam Rockwell’s (nominated) turn as W is not to be missed - but for some reason attempts to use the power of the presidency to  subvert the intentions of the Founders just doesn’t seem as quaint and jovial as it once did.

So which SHOULD win?

For me it comes down to “Black Panther” and “Green Book.” Out of a top-to-bottom very strong class these two stand out in my mind as the ones that are really hitting on all cylinders. From direction and cinematography, to acting and art direction, to just straight up story telling, these are the most well-rounded of the bunch. And while I do love me some “Black Panther” (Wakanda forever!) I have to go with “Green Book” for its added layers of emotional resonance.

But which WILL win?

I said above that “Roma” is a movie made for people who make movies. Well … guess who votes for the Oscars? People who make movies. “Green Book” is actually in the running, but appears to be a distant second. I’m going with “Roma,” which would be the first foreign language film in history to win Best Picture.

Best Actress - This appears to be a two-way race between Glenn Close for “The Wife” and Olivia Colman for “The Favourite.” I’m going with Close.

Best Supporting Actress - It appears as though my favorites from “The Favourite” will be shut out, as this seems to be between Regina King for “If Beale Street Could Talk,” and Amy Adams for “Vice.” I’ll take Regina King.

Best Actor - When I saw “Vice” on 12/27/18 I walked out of the theater and tweeted: ‘Bale’s gonna win Best Actor. You heard it here first.’ And I still believe that’s what should happen. And it just might, but now it seems that Rami Malek has the buzz for “Bohemian Rhapsody.” (Did I mention that they shot the epic Live Aid set on THE FIRST DAY OF SHOOTING?) I can’t quibble too much; he was great too. I’m jumping on the Rami Malek bandwagon.

Best Supporting Actor - Mahershala Ali (“Green Book”) will need to clear off some more space on the mantle.

Best Director - Alfonso Cuarón in a runaway. I have no quarrel with this, just with Best Picture.

Best Cinematography - Alfonso Cuarón for “Roma.” See above.

Best Foreign Language Film - This hardly seems fair with “Roma” poised to become the first foreign-language film to actually win Best Picture, but … “Roma.”

Best Animated Feature - “Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse.” Seriously, if you haven’t seen this do yourself a huge favor and check it out.

Best Original Song - “Shallow” from “A Star is Born.” As an added bonus the song actually plays a key role in the plot and is performed in its entirety in the film.

Best Original Screenplay - I am really pulling for “Green Book,” because it’s a great story, but also a great story-behind-the-story, with Tony Lip’s son penning the screenplay. But it looks like “The Favourite” will win.

Best Visual Effects - “Black Panther” is unlikely to win Best Picture, but Marvel should take home an Oscar here for “Avengers: Infinity War.” (Actual winner: “First Man”)

That does it for this year. Until next year keep your popcorn warm and your soda cold.

[andrewdburton]

Why you should track your spending (and why Quicken sucks)

Last year wasn't good for me. Depression and anxiety reigned supreme. By objective standards, my life was pretty good. But subjectively, life sucked. Going into 2020, I decided I needed to make some changes. I'm pleased to report that the first five weeks of the year have gone swimmingly. Life is grand.

I've made three specific changes that I believe have contributed to this improvement:

I've rented office space outside the house. My office is for work only. I do not allow myself to play games (or engage in other shenanigans) at the office. Zero tolerance.

I've begun getting up early. I tend to be an early riser anyhow, but early for me means about six o'clock. This year, I'm generally rising at 4:00 or 4:30, which means I'm at the office by five.

I've curtailed my drinking. In fact, I didn't touch a drop of alcohol during January. I've had a few drinks in February, and it's been interesting to see how it affects me, both in the moment and then for days after.

Taken together, these three changes have mitigated my mental health problems and made me more productive. I love it. Over the next six weeks, I plan to integrate two additional changes into my life: I'm going to begin exercising regularly and I'm going to cut back on videogames. I expect this to provide an additional boost to my well-being.

There's been an unexpected benefit to my quest to become a better version of me. January was — by far — my best month with money in years.

My January 2020 Spending

As you know, I track every penny I spend. I've been doing this since 1993 (with occasional breaks). It's a valuable practice.

Earlier this decade — after my divorce but before my RV trip — my monthly spending averaged about $4000. After returning from our cross-country adventure, that number spiked. From 2016 to 2018, I was spending closer to $6000 per month. This led me to push for austerity measures last year, measures that worked. My 2019 spending averaged $4221.27 per month.

In January, I spent $3212.24. This is a fist-pumpingly fine number, one that I'm proud of. But I'm even prouder of how I achieved those cuts. My top financial goal for this year is to spend less on food. I did that. And because I didn't drink, I spent nothing on alcohol.

Because I was curious, I decided to explore my spending over the past few years. I think you might find it interesting too. Here's a snapshot:

This spreadsheet shows monthly spending in select categories during the past five years. The 2016 numbers are for December only (because that's when I resumed tracking after our RV trip). The numbers for last year are only for the first half of the year. And, obviously, the numbers for this year are only for January.

Some thoughts:

Generally speaking, my vehicle costs are low. They were high in 2017 and 2018 because my 2004 Mini Cooper needed repairs. They were high last year because I spent $1900 to buy a 1993 Toyota pickup.

My entertainment spending is dominated by three specific expenses: my Portland Timbers season tickets, our subscription to Broadway in Portland, and my iTunes movie and TV purchases. The theater tickets are a one-time expense each February. The Timbers tickets (which I may not renew this year) are a one-time expense each August. I continue to work to keep my iTunes purchases under control.

I spend more on our pets than I thought. A lot more. I love our dog and three cats, but wow! I paid $142 to support them last month, and there were no vet expenses in January. Much of this spending is for pet-sitting when I travel.

Look at my food spending! Holy cats! I've been pushing hard to reduce this over the past five years, and January was a shining example of what I can get this down to if I try. Kim and I didn't feel deprived. We just made smarter choices.

Finally, when I'm not drinking, my spending on sin — which includes alcohol, occasional tobacco, and legal pot — falls off a cliff. Obvious, but also wow.

I know I'll spend more in February than I did in January. Our theater tickets renew and that's a $1500 expense, for instance. Still, I expect that I'll continue this trend toward reduced spending, and I'm glad. It makes me happy. It's yet another way that 2020 is off to a better start than 2019.

Why It's Important to Track Your Spending

It might seem strange that I'm such a vocal advocate of expense tracking. After all, don't I have all of the money I need? I do. But I think part of the reason I keep that money is because I'm so vigilant with my spending.

In fact, this seems to be a key habit with most wealthy people I know. They keep tabs on where there money goes. In The Millionaire Next Door, the authors write that the three words that best describe the wealthy are “FRUGAL FRUGAL FRUGAL”. They also point out that most millionaires keep budgets.

Tracking your spending demystifies money. You begin to perceive it as a tool. You gain a sense of power; you no longer feel that money controls you, but that you control money. Your awareness of your money habits is heightened, allowing you to make changes to improve your situation. You begin to understand how your one-DVD-a-week habit affects other parts of you your life.

When you track your spending, it’s important not to make judgments in the moment. This activity is meant to describe your money habits, not to change them. (You probably do want to change them, of course, but that’s a different task.)

To make it easier to track your spending, remember the following:

Be careful with transactions that are easy to forget. Some transactions – cash transactions, online transactions, transactions without a receipt – are quickly forgotten. Take special steps to remember these, such as…

Get a receipt for everything. It’s easy to forget where you spent your money yesterday morning. Make a habit of always asking for a receipt. Keep them in one place so you know where to find them.

It’s best to process your transactions daily. The more diligent you are about recording your expenses, the less likely you are to forget something. But daily book-keeping can be a chore. Try to do this weekly at the very least. (Make it a habit, a ritual. Do it at the same time every Saturday morning, for example.)

Expense tracking paints a picture of your spending habits as they actually exist – not as you think they exist. You can use this information to build a budget and to set financial goals. At the very least, you’ll get a snapshot of where your money has been going. Without doing this, it’s difficult to know how much you’ve really been spending – and what you’ve been spending it on.

Plus, if you're a money nerd like me, it's fun to track your spending. I love putting the numbers in by hand, then looking at the data with different graphs and reports.

How to Track Your Spending (and a Rant)

During the 1990s and 2000s, it was easy for a curious person to track her spending. There were a variety of tools she could use: Quicken, Microsoft Money, Andrew Tobias' Managing Your Money. Nowadays, though, your pickings are slim.

Yes, I know there are all sorts of apps out there that purport to track your spending. My business partner Tom uses Mint. Many folks are fans of Personal Capital. And, of course, Quicken still exists.

Although I do use Personal Capital (here are my thoughts on the pros and cons of Personal Capital), I do so primarily for its nifty retirement planner. I'm not a fan of automated money trackers, those that download and categorize info from your financial institutions. I feel like Mint and Personal Capital don't do a great job at this. Plus, I track my spending because I want awareness. Manual data entry helps with this.

That means I want a tool like Quicken, which allows me to enter info by hand.

But even Quicken has become problematic. Are you ready for a rant? Tough. You're going to get a rant.

For years, I used Quicken 2007 for Macintosh. I love Quicken 2007. It's everything I could want in a money-management tool. It replicates the feel of a check ledger, which appeals to old men like me. It's ugly, but that's okay because it's filled with functionality. I'll take personality over pretty any day!

The downside? It doesn't run on modern versions of the Macintosh operating system. To keep using it, I have to hold on to an old iMac with an old version of the OS.

Quicken 2017 is…okay. It's certainly much prettier than the older version, and it does its job reasonably well, but that's about the best I can say for it.

Entering transactions manually (which is how I enter transactions) is maddening. There's no way to do this quickly. There's a serious lack of reporting tools, and what reports do exist have limited functionality. (Want to get a net worth report for a specific date? Sorry. You can't.)

Here's my detailed comparison of Quicken 2007 and Quicken 2017.

How frustrating is it to enter transactions into Quicken 2017 compared to Quicken 2007?

Today, it took me nineteen minutes to enter twenty transactions into the new version. This is partly due to the crappy UI and partly because I had to track down (and fix) a couple of strange ways it handled account transfers (such as paying a credit card from a checking account). When I drove home and re-entered these same twenty transactions into Quicken 2007, it only took me six minutes and everything worked as expected without any fuss on my end.

Despite this, I had made the decision to move everything to Quicken 2017. Last October, I made the switch. Then, last week, I got this email from Quicken.

As of 30 April 2020, Quicken 2017 will no longer support downloading stock prices. In fact, all automated downloads and connections will be disabled. But hey! If you upgrade to the new version of Quicken — which is now a subscription-only product (meaning you have to pay every single frickin' year) — you get to save 10%.

This is bullshit of the highest order.

When companies do this, it makes me livid. There's no way in hell I'll upgrade, and there's no way I can in good conscience encourage you, my readers, to support Quicken if they're going to pull this sort of bullshit.

So, I'll be sticking with Quicken 2007. Thankfully, Quicken doesn't have the power to disable features in that version of the program. They can't force me to upgrade. And since it's a superior product to 2017 anyhow, I'm okay with that. But it means I have to keep one computer on hand that I don't upgrade to a new version of the OS.

What if you don't have access to Quicken 2007? How should you track your spending? Here are a few possibilities:

If you're in the early stages of money mastery, I recommend You Need a Budget. Yes, YNAB uses a subscription-based model, but I've heard enough people rave about it to recommend it. (Plus, I like the YNAB philosophy.) Here's my YNAB review.

If you don't want or need manual data entry, use an app like Mint or Personal Capital. Personally, I'd go for Personal Capital. I've heard reports that more and more, people feel like Mint is fading away.

If, like me, you want an online tool that allows manual entry, find an older version of Quicken somewhere. If you're a PC user, you might consider using Microsoft Money. This product is no longer published (or supported) but Microsoft offers a free download of the final version of Microsoft Money Deluxe from ten years ago.

If you use Quickbooks or something similar to manage your business finances, it's possible to also track your home finances with that software. (But I don't think accounting tools will integrate investments. I could be wrong.)

Many people actually use home-brewed systems for expense tracking. Most of these are built around customized spreadsheets, although I've also seen people who use pen and paper (!!!) to track their spending.

Ultimately, it doesn't matter which tool you choose. What matters is that you track your spending.

Conclusion

Expense tracking is one of the cornerstone habits of smart personal finance. Not everyone needs to do this, of course. Some folks have so much money and spend so little that expense tracking becomes unnecessary. Others are naturally hyper aware of their behavior. But for most of us, expense tracking grants keen insight into how we use our money.

Unfortunately, there's no great solution right now for folks who want software that allows manual data entry.

The last time I complained about this, one GRS reader suggested that I create my own software tool. Honestly, that's not a bad idea. I probably no longer possess the skills to code this myself, but I do possess the experience, knowledge, and opinions that would help me design a piece of software that could be useful and effective. Plus, I'm not motivated by greed, which I think is a bonus.

For now, I'll continue to use Quicken 2007. It's a small hassle to keep an old iMac around with an old version of Mac OS, but I can do it. When that computer dies, though? Well, I'm not sure what I'll do.

Like me, my buddy John at ESI Money is a long-time Quicken user, with data going back to 1994. Like me, he enters transactions by hand. Like me, he recently tried to upgrade. Unlike me, he intends to continue using the new version of Quicken.

The post Why you should track your spending (and why Quicken sucks) appeared first on Get Rich Slowly.

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