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emailsicansend · 5 years ago

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Would You Lie With Me & Just Forget The World?

Chapter 2

SUMMARY: The world is a dangerous place. It can be big, scary, and almost overwhelmingly dark. But despite all the negative aspects, despite all the pain and turmoil, Katherine Howard has always found a brief reprieve in the other queens. Particularly, in her older cousin. (And as loathe as they are to admit it, the other queens have to agree with her.) Anne Boleyn can be chaotic, wild, and reckless … but she’s also passionate, kind, and effervescent. Her boundless energy acts as a barrier against the bad in the world. But when that barrier breaks and the world turns on its head, can Kat manage to navigate the turbulent waters without her cousin by her side?

CHAPTER ONE //

TW: Implied abuse/neglect, Implied sexual abuse, Panic Attack, Car crash

A/N: sorry this chapter took so long! I ended up having to trim parts out and it isn’t as smooth as I was hoping for, but this is one of the rougher chapters to set up because of all the background. (I’m setting this in my own AU verse/idea that I’m still writing up the lore for, if anyone wants to hmu for that feel free!)

TAGGING: @the10amongstthese3s @radcowboyalmondtree @tonight-we-are-live @the-queen-bee-is-here @everything-insanity @whoufflewhovian200311 (if you want to be added, just reply to this post, send me an ask, or hit up my ims! these are the people I know who were interested!)

“Annie, I’m scared.”

Anne froze, the almost inaudible admission tugging at her heart. She climbed down from the garage roof as easily as she’d climbed up. “You don’t need to be scared, Kit. I’ve got you, okay? Just trust me.” Anne smiled mischievously, shooting her brightest gap toothed grin at her cousin.

Kitty visibly relaxed, and Anne showed Kitty how to use the materials lining the side of the building to get to the top. (After it, it wasn’t more than a few feet in the air.) But as ordinary as the view may have been, it was extraordinary because they were there together.

Anne dropped to book bag she’d brought with her, unrolling the blanket and wrapping it around Kat’s shoulders. “Can’t let the birthday girl get too cold now, can I?” She asked with a teasing grin. She reached into the bookbag, unaware of the surprise on her cousin’s face. She handed Kat some silly plushie she picked up at the store, and a (terribly smashed) attempt at a cupcake.

“You...you remembered?” Kat asked, looking down at the presents her cousin gave her as if they were the greatest thing in the world. The genuine shock in her voice startled Anne.

“Of course I did Kit...why wouldn’t I? It’s not everyday your favorite cousin turns seven, after all.”

“Dad and the boys sometimes forget...” Kitty attempted to appear nonchalant, although it was obvious she was upset.

“They do what?” Anne growled, and Kitty flinched away at the change in her voice. Not now, Anne chided herself, using every ounce of teenage self restraint she had in order to plaster on the cheesiest grin she could muster. “I’m sure they’re just...planning a surprise or something.”

“Maybe.” Kat mumbled, but it was clear she didn’t believe it.

They sat in silence, before Anne’s lips curved back into their usual grin. She nudged her younger cousin. “Why don’t you spend the night? We can play board games and watch movies. I’ll even let you-oh.”

She’d been cut off mid sentence by a hug, and found Katherine peering up at her. “You’re the bestest, Annie! I love you.” The younger girl’s face shone with excitement that hadn’t been there moments earlier.

Anne couldn’t help but mirror that joy. She ruffled Kit’s hair, laughing at the expression it produced. “I love you too, Kit. And I’m here for you. Always.”

But their short moment was cut short as her father’s voice echoed up from the ground down below. “ANNE BOLEYN, GET DOWN HERE RIGHT NOW! THE LAST THING WE NEED IS YOUR POOR HABITS RUBBING OFF ON LITTLE KATHER-”

And with that, Anne woke with a start. She damn near fell off her bed with a yell, catching herself last minute and blinking sleep out of her eyes. The other side of the bed was empty. Thank god. It meant Kat had slept with Jane instead, and she hadn’t accidently interrupted what little sleep the girl managed to get. Anne flopped back down on her bed with a sigh. Her heart hammered against her ribcage, energy buzzing in her exhausted muscles demanding that she get moving. She glanced at the alarm clock. 6:03 A.M.

Well, that was as good a time as any to start the day, wasn’t it? She rolled out of bed, quietly, and made her way to the bathroom. She ran through her usual morning routines : brushing her teeth, throwing her hair up in a tight bun, changing out of her pajamas and into running gear. By six thirty, she was ready to run. With her headphones fixed firmly in her ears and music blasting, she let her muscles guide her. The song playing pulled up another memory, a little fuzzy around the edges but still soft enough to pull a smile from her.

Family Christmas parties, everybody’s favorite time. Except not really. Anne dealt with it as best she could, which was ignoring damn near everyone and doing her own thing. She was choreographing a dance routine to a song that had just come out, earbuds in and focus completely on the movement of each muscle in time with the beat. Which is why she didn’t notice George until it was too late. He slammed into her side roughly, knocking her off her feet and sending her sliding across the floor. Anne stared slack jawed for a moment, recovering her breath, before yelling “What the fuck George!”

“Careful Ninon, don’t let dear old dad hear you using that language.” George answered with a smirk, towering over her. The gleam in his eyes made it clear he was in one of his moods, which meant Anne was in for it. If there was one thing George excelled at, it was pushing her buttons.

“Why don’t you go bother Mary for once?”

“Because Mary’s actually socializing with the family, unlike you.”

“Sorry, not sorry, but I’m trying to have fun. I’m not interested in being judged for stupid reasons, okay? I just want to be left alone.”

“Don’t want to be judged, don’t give them reasons to judge you. It’s simple, really.” George answered with a shrug. “Besides, considering your …. reputation I don’t think they’re stupid reas-”

“I don’t really care about your opinion, George.” Anne snapped, face immediately heating up. She pushed herself to her feet, taking a couple steps away from him. “Maybe you should shut up.”

“Maybe you should stop being such a sl-” He didn’t get to finish that thought as a pink blur knocked into his legs. It caught him off guard; he flailed his arms wildly to no avail and ended up tripping over his own feet and landing on his ass. Anne blinked in surprise. George pushed himself to his feet quickly, visibly seething. “What the fuck!”

Ten year old Katherine Howard, about two feet shorter and at least a hundred pounds lighter, didn’t break eye contact with George from where she’d positioned herself; she stood directly in front of Anne as if she were a human shield. “Sorry, didn’t see you there.” She deadpanned.

“Brat.” George hissed, pointing a finger at the young girl menacingly.

Kat just shrugged, but she could feel her hands trembling. “Takes one to know one, right?”

Anne laughed, making her brother’s face flush six different shades of red. George, thoroughly humiliated and beyond angry, stormed off. Almost immediately Kat’s shoulders deflated. Anne pulled her younger cousin into a side hug. “KitKat, you are my hero.”

“We’re family.” Kat answered back, her voice muffled by Anne’s shoulder. “We always protect each other, don’t we?”

Anne smiled. “We do.”

The memory faded. The burning in her muscles, and the unfamiliarity in her surroundings, made it clear she’d gotten lost in her head longer than she’d meant to. Crap. It took her nearly an hour to find her way back. She made a beeline straight for the fridge once she did. She gave the calendar a quick glance as she opened the fridge to pull out a carton of orange juice, before doing a double take.

November 4th. Kitty’s birthday was less than a week away! How in the hell had that happened? Anne was usually on top of these things, but between the interviews and the show and her work on choreo...she could feel guilt flooding her system. Shit. She wracked her brain, trying to remember whether or not Kitty had been acting strange recently. She’d seemed a little lethargic but Anne had chalked that up to being overworked with the show…

She didn’t think twice. She rushed up to Cleves room, flinging the door open in a panic as she shook the other girl. “Anna!” She hissed, voice low but pressing. “Anna, wake up!”

“Anne…?” Anna asked groggily. “What time is it…”

“It’s eight.”

“What are you doing up? We didn’t go to bed until almost tw-”

“Shh, that doesn’t matter right now. I’m going to the store. Do you want to come?”

Anne’s voice brimmed with urgency, but Anna was too tired to register it. She buried herself deeper into her blankets. “With your driving? No thank you, Miss Boleyn, I choose life.” She waved a hand dismissively, eyes never so much as cracking open. The warmth of her bed was too enticing.

Anne heaved a sigh, but accepted Anna’s answer. She ran to the kitchen, scribbled a quick note on a post it, and attached it to the fridge.

Need to run some errands. Urgent. Be back later. XO, Anne.

And with that she disappeared through the door, the orange juice still sitting forgotten on the counter.

The shopping went quickly. Or well, as quickly as it could go when Anne Boleyn was involved. She spent hours loading her cart with Kitty’s favorite snacks and movies, picked up random little knick knacks that she thought Kitty might like. (Hell, she even managed to find some cute presents for the rest of the queens.) Brimming with excitement about her haul, and eager to show it to the others, Anne was in a phenomenal mood when she hopped back in the car. She was jamming along to every song coming over the radio, grinning from ear to ear.

The buzzing of her phone on the seat next to her snapped Anne out of her private karaoke concert. It was probably just Kat calling to check up on her. She could feel warmth spreading through her chest as she let out a breathless giggle, turning down the music and running a quick hand through her hair. She found Kitty’s worry endearing, although she half wished Kitty would realize that Anne would be fine. After all, she always was.

She half debated it letting it ring to voicemail, just until she could answer without taking her hands off the wheel. That was….until the name on the caller ID caught her attention.

THOMAS HOWARD.

Suddenly, all the mirth she’d felt drained out of her like air out of a popped balloon. She hadn’t spoken to her uncle in YEARS. The last time she’d seen him was the day that she had left, Kitty tucked under one arm and spare clothes under the other. He made good on his promise to ostracize both of them.

Kitty’s head is buried in the crook of her neck, tears staining the collar of her shirt. “I’m sorry,” Kitty chokes out between sobs, barely comprehensible. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. Anne, it’s my fault. It’s all my fault.”

Anne could feel a storm building beneath her skin, aching to break free and wreck every single person that had driven her cousin to this. SHE WAS A CHILD! But over the last few years, Anne had watched the light drain from her eyes. She was just kicking herself for not realizing what was going on earlier… But she can’t focus on that. Not right now. Instead she rubs soothing circles on Katherine’s back, rocking the girl back and forth. “It isn’t your fault, Kit.” Emotion rubbed her voice raw, and it takes everything in her not to cry. “None of it is. Not a damn thing. Do you hear me? Not a single damn thing.”

If anything, that just seems to make Kat cry harder. “It is, it is Annie. I know it, and he knew it, and, and, and everyone knows it.” She’s cut off by a sob that shakes her frail shoulders. “He knew it, he said it, he-”

“He’s a piece of shit, Kit! I’m sorry, but it’s true. Your dad sucks. I wish it weren’t true, I wish you could’ve had the life you deserve. Somewhere far away from this bullshit.” Anne croaked out, a few silent tears falling as she fought to maintain a steady voice. “But you didn’t get that, instead life gave you a crappy hand and I’m sorry. I’m sorry about everything. But I can promise you one thing.” Anne tucked Kitty’s head under her chin. “I know it isn’t much, but I’m here for you. Always. Whatever you want, whatever you need, I’m right here. And I’m always going to be right here, okay?”

With a few sniffling breaths, Kitty nodded. Slowly, hesitantly, she held out a hand with her pinkie extended. In a small voice, she asked, “Pinkie promise?”

Anne was all too happy to link their fingers. “Pinkie promise.”

They made themselves more comfortable in the living room, still a tangle of limbs but this time a tangle of limbs under a blanket. Before drifting off to sleep, Kitty squeezed Anne’s hand. “Annie?” She asked, drowsily.

“Hm?”

“Earlier...earlier you said that you weren’t much...but you are. Okay? You’re the best. And I love you. I don’t know what I would do without you.”

Anne squeezed her hand gently three times. I love you. “Don’t worry KitKat, you’ll never have to find out.”

Anne’s thoughts flashed to every time since then that Kitty’s tears staining the collar of her shirt, to the way the poor girl had trembled from nightmares that stole her breath. She remembered rushing out on errands like this, doing anything and everything to pull a smile out of her cousin, who spent the week leading up to her birthday WISHING for that call from the rest of the family. Thomas Howard failed as a father consistently over the past two years, and there’s almost no one Anne hates more. (When she thinks of him, all she can see is Kat trembling, crying out my fault, my fault, my fault. Just thinking about it makes her jaw clench.) Even now, in what she assumes is an attempt to make amends, he was calling her and not Kitty!

She reached over, answering it swiftly and bringing it to her ear. “Don’t. I don’t want to hear what you have to say, I need you to shut the hell up for two seconds and listen to me, Thomas.” Anger boiled in her veins and sharpened her tongue, but blurred everything else. In the haze of her own hatred, her focus on the phone pressed to her ear, she missed the truck that was swerving on a path directly towards her.

#six the musical #six the musical fanfic #beheaded cousins #anne boleyn #katherine howard #Would You Just Lay Here?#<-- it has a tag now!#THANK YOU FOR THE LOVE honestly its what keeps me writing sometimes #i'm already working on the next few chapters #don't worry #BUT YEAH LOTS OF PAIN IN STORE but what can you expect from a grey's anatomy inspired fic?#okay im done rambling im gonna go to sleep

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purplesurveys · 5 years ago

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642

If you could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be? My obvious choices would be Beyoncé and Hayley Williams. But to change it up a bit, I would love to meet Meghan Markle. What's the first line of the nearest book you can reach? It’s the preface, and it says, “The MSA Simulated College Admission Test Modules are written for the potential college freshmen who need to prepare for college entrance tests given by the country’s finest universities and colleges.” Hah, it’s a college entrance test reviewer. Gabie’s sister is part of the next batch who will be taking the exams, so I’m passing on my old reviewers and modules to her which explains why this is the book nearest to me right now. What does the last text message on your phone say? “Let’s talk on fbc” If you could be any colour of crayon, what would you be? Burgundy or maroon. I like bold colors. If you could be anywhere in the universe right now, where would you be? I woulddddd like to be at the farthest tip of the universe, just so we can finally learn just how big it all is.

Do you have a strange talent? If so, what is it? I can recite the entire screenplays of Titanic, The Proposal, and Breakfast at Tiffany’s, which makes me an awful companion for these movies. If you discovered a new species of animal, what would you call it? I’d leave it up to the scientists to name it tbh because I might probably give it an awful name without meaning to. What's the weirdest name for a phobia? Most of them already sound pretty weird to me lmao. For instance I’d never expect acrophobia to refer to a fear of heights, because it just sounds like a fear of acrobats :(( And triskaidekophobia sounds nothing like a fear of the number 13. If you ever had the chance, would you eat a frog? Yes. I’ve already eaten frog legs as it is. They taste just like chicken. Do you prefer being indoors or outdoors? Depends on where I am when it comes to either. I can enjoy both. When you're indoors, what will you most likely be doing? Indoors can mean a lot of things dude. I can be strolling around, eating, going through my phone, playing bowling, watching a movie, etc. Are you good at lying? I can lie if I have to, but I hate doing it. What was the last lie you told? I didn’t technically lie but like I had to act fake last Friday around a guy I don’t particularly like, but had to hang out with because he’s Angela and Hans’s friend. I kinda had to lie through my personality and show him that everything was okay, which I think counts? Hahaha. I can’t remember the last verbal lie I had to tell. The next song that comes up is a new emotion: I don’t have anything playing on my Spotify. What's your favourite food? Burgers, for sure. What is your greatest weakness? Chewy chocolate chip cookies. What's the weirdest thing you've said whilst drunk? I don’t remember half the shit I say when I’m drunk, but I bet those bits that I forget are the weird ones. Do you collect anything obscene or unusual? If yes, what do you collect? Nope, no weird collections in my room. Finish the sentence: What if... Everybody hates what ifs, there’s no need to trigger right now. What's your favourite smell? I like food smells, basically. I like the smell of chicken being fried, curry being cooked, cookies being baked, the smell of bakeries and coffee shops, my order getting placed in front of me... I just love food aahhhh. If you were ever granted one single wish, what would you wish for? To have all the money that I would ever need and want. You're given the chance to name a newly found city. What do you call it? I’d probably have to borrow an ethnic word for this, because the Filipino language is pretty badass. What do you like about your favourite band? Their songs are always intensely personal and relatable, they aren’t afraid to switch music styles, they keep going back to the Philippines heheheh, and they ALWAYS insist that they’re a band – it’s seen in how Hayley always wants to be credited as ‘Hayley Williams from Paramore’ in all her gigs, and never just as Hayley Williams. Are you creative? I wouldn’t say that. But now you got me all spooked because this was the theme of the first episode of the Don’t Hug Me I’m Scared videos D: What is the meaning of life to you? I never go on Tumblr for deep questions like this, so pass. What do you consider yourself a number one fan of? That’s a bold statement, but I’d like to think that’s me with Audrey Hepburnnnn. What's the luckiest thing that's ever happened to you? One time I was driving a little fast when the car in front of me suddenly stopped to take a turn. I didn’t know if I was going to be able to hit the brakes and if my car could slow down enough not to hit them; and at the time I was already thinking about either crashing to my death or dealing with an angry driver (even though they were the dumbass for suddenly stopping). I didn’t hit the car, but there was a literal centimeter of space left between my car and theirs; my car also got shaken up from its brakes getting floored that the engine made a weird sound for a few seonds. I was left overwhelmed and with so much adrenaline so I ended up crying for like a full hour after. Imagine you've just started a band. What would the band be called? I’m terrible with names so I hope this is the last question asking me to come up with a name for something. The name of your first album: BOY AM I WRONG. The name of your first single: You write your autobiography, the title is: What's your biggest pet peeve? Gotta be a tie between freeloaders and arriving late. What do you wish the weather could be like right now? I’m always wishing it were raining and that it could always be a little colder. What's the weirdest pet name you've ever heard? Recently I saw someone I know have the pet name ‘bubbap’ for their bf, which was new to me. What were you doing this time last year? Ooh, luckily I had a 2019-themed Instagram where I tried to take one photo every day for the year 2019 and it covers January 14! My photo for that day was my wrist covered in lipstick swatches, which I now remember as the day Kate, Jo, Aya, Laurice, and I went to UPTC, snacked at a milk tea place and browsed through makeup. I don’t remember the rest of the stuff that we did, though. What will you be doing this time NEXT year? I’m guessing I will be asleep because I have to wake up early for my job, whatever it is. If you were a superhero, what would your magic power be? Time travel. What's your biggest secret? This Tumblr. What makes a great relationship? It’s such a cliche answer but communication really makes everything better. Also, knowing one another’s love languages. What goes through your mind when you see 'that awkward moment when' posts? Nothing, I just internally hope that the rest of the sentence pertains to an actual awkward moment and not just a completely normal situation, which seems to be the case for most of those posts. How do you win over people's hearts? I’m a listener, so I just whip that weapon out and let them talk while I nod along and ask questions every now and then to let them know I’m paying attention. What's your biggest obsession? Food. What's the worst decision you've ever made in life? I don’t know. I don’t dwell on bad decisions so I’ve most likely forgotten the ones I did make in the past. What do you want written on your gravestone? I’m not yet sure. Something witty, for sure. Your favourite quote is? It’s 12:17 AM and I’m all outta energy to think of quotes that I like. What is a weird habit you have? Playing with, and sometimes pulling at, my eyebrows and eyelashes. It mostly happens when I have bouts of anxiety. If you were on a plane beside your favorite celebrity, what would you do? Say hi, tell them I’m a fan, and get on with my business so that I look all cool :((( I don’t know if I can pull that off with Kristen but that’s definitely my plan. Describe yourself with a song title? That I’m So Tired song by Lauv and Troye Sivan. Why would someone use an umbrella? Because rain? Or sunlight? If you could see into the future, what would you do? I’d look into it, because I hate uncertainty. Why is shampoo clear and conditioner not? Idk about yours, but mine both aren’t. You've created your own recipe. What do you name it? U g h. Do you have lots of floor space in your bedroom? No, not really. This room was meant for my youngest sibling so it’s been small from the get-go. For some reason I called dibs on it when I was 10 because my parents meant to have me share a room with my sister and I was NOT a fan of that – simply put, I called dibs on my current bedroom because it was a solo bedroom (my brother was 4 at the time and didn’t want to stay in a room all by himself, so it was technically up for grabs). I have the smallest room now, but honestly it’s ok. I don’t need a lot of space and besides, I’m moving out very soon hahaha. What time do you like to stay awake until? It’s different every night. Are you a dedicated person? To causes or responsibilities I’m passionate about, yes. What happened in the last dream you had? Not sure. I forget most of them. What's your favourite day of the week and why? Friday, because weekeeeeeeeeeeeeeeend. If you're at the beach, what are you most likely doing? I’m always doing either of these: sunbathing, or swimming in the sea, just relaxing. The name of your favourite movie: Two for the Road and Good Will Hunting. It’s always been a tie. What's your favourite thing about Christmas? All the food.

Are you stubborn? Yes. If you could forget about one memory that you have, what would it be? Embarrassing ones. I won’t delve into them because the whole point is to forget them, lmao. If you were made out of paper, what would you do? Google what just happened lol. Do you act differently to certain people? Yeah. You have to sometimes. How I am with my college friends isn’t 100% the same as how I am with my high school friends (I switch to a different sense of humor, but otherwise it’s still all me), and both these personalities are so not how I act around family. What's your favourite sport? Pro wrestling. Your favourite tweet ever made by your favourite celebrity? The first time Punk and AJ ever tweeted each other. They were talking about human doodles and human poodles. It was WILLLLLLDDDD experiencing that as it happened haha. Did you enjoy this quiz? Sure! It was random enough for me. The name generator questions just scared me a bit. If you were on the titanic, would you be a survivor? I guess, because I’m a woman and they had that women and children rule. Where would be the weirdest place to randomly start dancing at? A bank? I dunno. What do you do when you can't sleep at night? I turn to Reddit or YouTube. 101% effective, every single night. Do you trust people easily? Yes. I can also take away that trust easily. If you could tell the whole world anything right now, what would you say? Please donate whatever you can to help out the animals in the areas affected by the Taal eruption. I wish it were this easy to yell it out to the world. Your opinion on the royals: I’m proud of Meghan and Harry, y’alls. GO DITCH ‘EM. Don’t get me wrong, I love the royal family, but what Meghan and Harry did was pretty fucking awesome, too. Why is your favourite TV show your favourite TV show? It’s not deep, it’s funny and I can rewatch every episode as many times as I want and still laugh at the same punchlines, it’s relatable, and it’s helped me through some dark times. Would you rather be the leader or the follower? Leader for tasks I know I’ll succeed in, follower for responsibilities that I know are way too big and pressing for my capabilities. What's your favourite pastime? Netflix, and my newest hobby, painting :)

#survey #surveys

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magebomb · 7 years ago

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I don’t want to be a part of this I don’t want to share the blame I don’t have to know the body count But I will, oh, but I will

It’s been a while since I’ve done anything, or shared anything for Ignite. I don’t have much, and it’s getting completely flipped around, with the same themes. I’m taking some bravery and sharing a bit of what I wrote on my original story. (Take it with a grain of salt, I’m an artist–not a writer)

EDIT: HEY I messed up my other post of this by trying to make the readmore work on mobile, so uh. Here’s a repost.

Walking away from everything was not easy.

That was the sort of thing that ended in whispers between soldiers, those who were tired and should’ve never enlisted in the first place. It happened between people with dissonance in their heart. With the ones who spoke their script under scrutiny, but spat venom from under a cloak of security.

It was always something that just came with the backdrop. You shouldered the sentiments like an extra piece of gear to go between the Geiger counter and canteen. The uniforms were so covered pockets, it hid well–something you could easily forget until the morning recount.

Nobody really meant it. Sure, sometimes a soldier walked away. Maybe they disappeared into a foreign village. They could’ve dropped their helmet in the street and walked into gunfire. Words may have flown, only to have the person disappear the next day. Their names forgotten in a week to all but those who really gave a shit about them.

Every bit of it was a distant sort of idealism that held so little reality to most.

Here he was–walking away. That reality had all but shattered from under him.

He was home. Home didn’t hold the same weight for him that it did for most others. It was only a small security detail. The base held one of the larger weapons facilities on this side of the midwest, and they needed the manpower to guard it. That duty fell on most any enlisted who knew how to hold a rifle without shooting themselves in the foot.

The need for bodies was up. They attributed it to something vague. Something that was out of his pay grade to know about. Organized crime was the obvious answer. They had volleyed for munitions with the military for a long time now.

He was in a blindspot between cameras. Not in any sense of convenience to him–only that they needed extra eyes to watch said blind spots. It wasn’t a perfect opportunity. He could so much as make one step to his right and the camera had him in full peripheral view. To the left, though? To the left was the key. It took pressing his back into the wall and his rifle held close enough to his body that it wouldn’t swing forward and activate the motion sensor.

That’s the funny thing about being trained for stuff like this. They drill and drill the procedure and protocol until they hope it sticks into their plastic little army men. There’s no chance it could be thrown back in their faces. No, that was inconceivable. Really, true deceit was far from his mind, as he walked away. As he slid past that camera and stepped away from the armory. As he kept himself to a brisk walk. The helmet hid his face, and his expression in kind, but he had to keep control of his feet. Everyone would alert on the sight of a running soldier.

The urge to sprint still bit at him. It spilled out from the stilted breaths behind his helmet and he barely suppressed the urge to toss aside his rifle and book it across the base.

A half-track rolled by, full of soldiers likely headed to the ancillary base on the other side of the city. They were kitted less than him, save for one or two actually on duty and not just bunked up for a trip. Still, he found himself hooked onto the back, swinging up to the edge. Supply crates hid him from those on the vehicle, and it had served him well enough to get him through the checkpoint at the gate. Everyone unaware, thanks to the anonymity his uniform afforded him. If he kept his head down, he would make it.

He made it. Opportunity to ditch the vehicle rose when the city actually began to show a civilian population no longer culled by the oppressive nature of the military base. Here, he hopped off the back of the half-track and jogged the short distance between the street and an alley. People left him at it. A geared up and armed soldier on the streets detaching from his company with an obvious purpose? Not something the average person really wanted to mess with. He wasn’t afraid to use that little bit to his advantage–temporarily.

Crouching now, in the alley, he palmed the charge from his rifle and stuffed it behind a dumpster. He wasn’t aware he had company until he finally yanked the helmet off, his face immediately stinging with the early autumn chill.

A woman’s gasp accompanied the movement, and he wheeled around, helmet still in his hands. The look she flashed him said that she had never really seen someone like him without a faceplate before, let alone someone with such a young face. She wasn’t sure of why he was there, standing in front of her in that alley.

She held no real threat. Not with her sparkling dress, lit up by the focused street lights. Her heels dangled from one hand, and from the other a perched a lit cigarette. She had a name tag that said something he couldn’t read from their distance from one another.

Still he froze, while her mouth worked like she wanted to say something. Maybe she would scream? It wasn’t like he could do anything about it. Not a civilian. Not one whose work break was interrupted by something that would make quite a story later.

He chose the most elegant option. The one where he tossed the helmet aside like a hot coal and darted further into the alley. A chain-link fence blocked off the back, garnished with hardly any remaining barbed wire at the top. It was easy enough work to scale it and drop himself to the other side. “Hey–!” Her high voice called out, but he was too busy sliding into a turn to get the hell away from the street.

He shed gear like a hemorrhage. Most of it he tried to stash, in piles here and there for people to find later and sell. All but the base fatigues on his back, and his dog tags. He really didn’t care. The worst was that rifle. It wouldn’t fire without the charge, and especially not without his fingerprint. But that was the problem. If found, there’d be no doubt it was his, and it still pointed a big fucking glowing arrow in his direction.

So he made his path through the city a convoluted one. A confused one. It wasn’t like he knew what to do or where to go.

Because here he was, walking away.

He could see the made-up future file in his head. One held between officers with a angry red confidentiality stamp on it.

Dallan Macguire. Twenty-three years old. Barely.

Didn’t he have a promotion recently? A inconsequential rank that meant nothing but that he was moving up. A corporal. That was a good start. Soon a sargent and later even further. He could be the career type. ‘I don’t know,’ one would surely say, ‘them Marine guys aren’t into that.’

No, you’re mistaken, he’s affiliated with that—He was bound for trial.

Twenty-three fucking years. Dallan shivered now, shoved between the wall and a pile of trash. He could feel the pulse of whatever business was on the other side of the brick. Music of some sort, with a low beat that drove people through a chilling night like this. He let that sound ground him as he slowly emptied the clip from his remaining gun. It was a small one. Ballistic since the pulse rifles weren’t always so dependable.

Click, click, click. Each bullet fell as a punctuation.

Eighteen, mostly, quiet years. Five years of family, again. Five tumultuous and controversial years he really wouldn’t have put up with if it weren’t for the people he had surrounded himself with.

Three whole fucking days of absolute hell that led up to today. Three goddamned days on the chopping block.

Really, this would still be favorable to what would’ve been an incoming court martial.

===

The steps were killer. It called back memories to movies where the characters always exclaimed: ‘Oh, it couldn’t get worse!’ before rain would break open over their heads. Yeah, Dallan had plenty of that. Rain. Like something said he wasn’t miserable enough, that the fucking sky had to crack open while he couldn’t even fathom a roof over his head to protect him from the onslaught. Poetic…probably. If he gave a fuck about that.

Now it made the steps difficult. Breathe wheezed in Dallan’s chest the further he went. He wouldn’t complain so much on normal day, but it hurt to breathe today even when he wasn’t moving in the first place. Hell, it hurt to exist at the moment. The pain warred between that in his chest and the sloppily covered burns on his hands. Both a wonderful reminder of stupidity that led him to his next brilliant idea.

There was an elevator here, but it felt wrong. The complex wasn’t all that ritzy, but it was clean. He was not. Soot that clung to parts of his jacket and fatigues he couldn’t quite scrub out with just the rain to help. Even Dallan himself was sure he looked a tad crazed from lack of sleep. Here was probably his fifth stupid idea of the week. He needed contact, and he needed help. He didn’t want the help but he still selfishly sought it out like some pathetic…something.

Dallan shook his head, dodging the step that tried to trip his toes up. A curse fell from him, ringing up and through the deserted stairwell with no answer.

Dallan leaned against the railing for a moment, needing to catch his tight breath. It had been almost impossible to track this apartment down, at first, but Dallan got it with enough patience that he almost didn’t have. He couldn’t use his own ID to use a terminal. Not without getting honed in on in a heartbeat. But not everyone kept a tight eye on their own.

It was a simple swipe, a search, and he found it. Jarringly easy, at that point.

The database for this guy was startlingly sparse. No real history listed. Nothing but a current residence and current employment. There wasn’t even the scarring mark of an extra database entry that marred a select few.

But now in that apartment complex he had hunted down, Dallan’s steps grew heavier with each flight of stairs.

Not heavy enough to stop him from edging his way to the landing he was looking for and out the door into the hallway. Silence greeted him. It was that strange hour of the evening where people either holed up at home with dinner, or kept to the city to shake off their work day.

Silence accompanied him to the door he was looking for: apartment 514. He killed it by rapping his knuckles in a knock.

For a beat, he began to hope nobody was home.

A beat that didn’t last too long before the door opened a crack.

Most people wouldn’t even go that far, instead choose to use the view hole to decide if they wanted to ignore their visitor or not. Not like this guy had that choice.

There was definitely a chain on the door, and accordingly it barely opened onto the empty light of the apartment beyond and a hesitant response. “I didn’t order any–” a low man’s voice responded, intercepted by Dallan’s hand jamming into the space to swipe at the chain. When it popped off of it’s hook, he gave the door a strong shove with his shoulder. The person on the other side had to have staggered back with the force, because it only met with the slightest resistance before swinging completely open.

Dallan extended his arms, a gun training upwards on the face of the man inside the apartment.

“Back up,” He spoke as steady as the tremor in his voice could let him. “Hands up, and back the fuck up.” Here he was. His fifth, sixth, seventh stupid idea of the week. A barrel pointed straight at a face that had only sharpened out with age from the last time he had seen it as a teenager.

Here he was, pointing a weapon at a frightened blind man who’s dinner had been interrupted. His hands still at his side, despite the order and the compliant steps backwards.

Here he was, threatening someone he was rapidly realizing that he’d have preferred the court martial to doing this. Preferred the imprisonment and whatever might follow.

Someone who didn’t remember Dallan like he remembered him, as completely evident with the lack of recognition on his face.

It didn’t make anything easier, Dallan thought, kicking the door shut behind him.

#long post #ignite #dallan macguire #WHOOPS #writing #original fiction #here's my low key cyberpunk mess of a story that i've been working on for YEARS

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goldendream-s · 7 years ago

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decisions (pt. 3)

"There is no decision that we can make that doesn't come with some sort of balance or sacrifice.”

PART ONE || PART TWO

MASTERLIST || REQUEST

You didn’t understand what it was like to feel lonely until now. Sure, you had your boyfriend Charlie, not to mention the three friends who were like older brothers to you, but your life was missing something. Or rather, someone. Maybe that was the worst part of it all. You had people constantly around you, but you still felt isolated.

It wasn’t easy forgiving Shawn, but you understood that everyone has their reasons for their decisions. Even if he does or doesn’t regret choosing his girlfriend over you, the good in you told you the first step of moving on was to forgive. Having lost track of how long it’s been since you’ve talked to Shawn, you just needed closure. You wanted answers, but you weren’t sure if you wanted to see him again.

You and Shawn might’ve been in some hot water, but that didn’t stop your friends from insisting on another movie night to ease everyone from the obvious issues going on between you and Shawn lately.

“You promise you didn’t invite him?” you asked Geoff, who was currently sitting across from you on the couch of his apartment. He knew you were obviously referring to Shawn and was quick to reassure you.

“I swear I didn’t, but don’t you think that things would be so much better if the two of you just talked things out?”

“Hmm, let me think for a second,” you perched your hands under your chin as if you were actually considering Geoff’s question.

“Last time I checked, the most recent time Shawn and I tried to talk, he ran out of the room,” you bitterly stated, shaking out the memories from the night of Charlie’s album release party. You couldn’t help but still be slightly upset over the whole situation despite your efforts to get over the whole catastrophe.

Before Geoff could say anything else, you already moved from your seat off of the grey suede couch and headed for the stairs. “I’m gonna go upstairs and change into something more comfortable. Let me know when Brian and Matt get here,” You called over your shoulder before climbing up the stairs.

As you rounded into the restroom to change, you pulled out the hoodie that you stuffed in your bag earlier before heading to Geoff’s. Your hand stopped mid-motion as you realized the hoodie you had chosen, scolding yourself when it became very apparent you had brought Shawn’s olive green crossfit hoodie. He had let you barrow it with the chilly fall weather approaching, and you’d be lying if you said it wasn’t your favorite hoodie to wear. Debating for a few seconds before deciding to put it on, you made a mental note to return the hoodie to Shawn soon.

Just as you had tied up your hair in a messy bun a few minutes later, you heard voices at the door meaning Matt or Brian must’ve arrived.

Pulling on your fuzzy socks, you walked down the stairs to see who was at the door, but when you saw a particular six-foot-guitar-playing boy named Shawn, an uneasy feeling rose to your stomach.

What was he doing here?

Deciding to stay at the top of the stairs, you crossed your fingers that he’d be leaving soon.

“Please, just let me talk to her!” you heard your bestfriend exclaim to Geoff.

“Dude I’m not sure if that’s a good idea. She seemed pretty upset after the last time you tried to talk to her.” Geoff tried to defend.

“Please, I just need to see her face agai-” but before Shawn could finish his sentence, you interrupted him and Geoff’s conversation from the top of the stairs.

“It’s okay Geoff, is it okay if I talk to Shawn?”

“Are you sure? Uh, I mean, yeah, go ahead,” Geoff answered confusedly as he let Shawn in.

You headed back upstairs gesturing for Shawn to follow as you found a quiet place for the two of you to talk. Taking a deep breath, you played in your mind all of the times you’d imagine this conversation to go.

“So that’s where my hoodie went,” Shawn chuckled as you turned around to face him.

A pink blush rose to your face, but you were quick to explain yourself. “U-Uh yeah, sorry about that. I can give it back to you,” you insisted as you tugged at the hoodie’s bottom.

“No,” Shawn’s voice raised, startling you. “No, you can keep it. It looks better on you than it ever did on me,” he smiled while scratching the back of his head.

Nodding, you reminded yourself why the two of you were here in the first place.

“I’m just going to make this short and sweet for the both of us, Shawn. Why?” Bitterness and anger soon overcame you, and it was pretty obvious that you were still holding a slight grudge.

“Plea-” Shawn tried to calm you down, but you weren’t having any of it.

“Just stop, Shawn. Just tell me the truth.” you bluntly stated, letting Shawn know that you were tired of running in circles.

Soon enough, Shawn’s hand and body was covering the window you were peering through, forcing you to turn your gaze to him.

He took a deep breath before he explained.

“I like you, okay? There, I said it!” Shawn was on the verge of yelling. Shock didn’t even explain the way your bestfriend’s confession made you felt, and suddenly the hoodie and fuzzy socks you were wearing didn’t make you feel as warm anymore. You opened your mouth to compensate for the silence, but Shawn stopped you.

“Actually, I think I love you. I don’t even think you know how long I’ve felt this way. I don’t think you know how hard it is to be with you every day without telling you. And every time I thought you felt the same, just in the slightest degree, you just friend zone me again!” Shawn stopped for a second to breath, allowing your muddled mind to soak in all of his words. “I just couldn’t tell you this after I found out you and Charlie were a thing. I’d hate myself more than I already do if I ruined that relationship too.” His voice lowered to a whisper, regret lacing each of Shawn’s words.

You were slowly but surely soaking in his words, stunned to say the least.

“I thought getting a girlfriend would help me get over it. I thought if I cut you out, I wouldn’t be in love with my bestfriend anymore. It obviously didn’t work, because here I am again, coming back to you,” Shawn rambled.

You could hear his heart beating through his chest, and in that moment, you could only hug him. You might’ve been mad, but you missed him more than anything. He instantly hugged back, bringing your face into his chest to hear his furious heart beats.

Your dry throat didn’t let you utter out any words. Shawn, your bestfriend, just confessed his feelings for you, but you knew you couldn’t tell him the same back. Shawn was right: you never saw him as anything but a friend, and you couldn't help but pity him.

“Please, I know I fucked up, but give me a chance, fuck- just say something, anything,” Shawn begged.

“I-I,” you tried to start. Seconds passed, and you still couldn’t form a coherent sentence.

“Fuck, I’m sorry for dumping all of this shit and my problems on you. Uh, just forget I said anything,” he quickly searched for your eye contact.

Clutching your bestfriend’s shoulder’s, you tried to shake him out of his worries. “Shawn, calm down. I forgive you. I’m still here, and I’m not going to leave you because of this. I’ll always be there for you. People make mistakes, and I get it.” you soothed his worries, your eyes begging for him to calm down.

“Oh my gosh, thank you so much,” you were wrapped in another strong hug by Shawn.

You smiled knowing that you had your bestfriend back, and suddenly, your grudge and anger against him slipped away as the seconds passed. You weren’t sure where your sudden change in attitude towards Shawn came from, but you weren’t upset that you were forgiving him so easily. Inhaling his scent, the two of you stood in each other’s embrace, making up for all of the lost time since the blowout. Time seemed to stop all at once, but the moment was soon cut off when he pulled away.

“So, everything’s good now, right?” Shawn asked, still not sure if you had completely forgiven him.

“I mean, things might not be the same as before, but yea...” Your answer wavered into the open air.

Sensing another awkward moment approaching, you instantly tried to cut through the growing tension.

“Hey, let’s get out of here. We’re having a movie night with Brian and Matt if you’re down. We have a lot of catching up to do, y’know? It’s hard to keep up with a rock star these days,” you tried joking, Shawn laughing at your effort of lightening the situation.

“I think I’m gonna stay in here for a little while. I just need to clear my mind,” Shawn moved his stare from you to his feet.

Nodding, you understood why he’d need time alone. He just poured out his emotions and feelings for you, but you both knew that your heart was with someone else.

There was another moment of pure silence before the next sentence was spoken.

“You know that I’ll always be at your side right? Like if things don’t work out between you and Charlie, I’ll be here waiting.” Shawn nervously scratched the back of his head again. “I’d wait until I die if I have to,” you heard him murmur.

You knew without a doubt that you weren’t supposed to hear the last part, but you nodded your head in comprehension nonetheless.

Giving Shawn another hug to reassure his doubts, you made your way to the door.

“One more thing,” you heard Shawn clear his throat right before your hand touched the cold metal doorknob.

“Yes?” you confusedly answered.

Shawn paused for a moment as you took a step away from the door and closer to him.

“A-Are you happy?” he stuttered. You could see the tears surfacing to his brown eyes and the sight itself almost brought you to tears as well.

You raised your eyebrows before he elaborated.

“Y’know, with him?” Shawn timidly yet anxiously asked, referring to Charlie.

It took you a split second to think how you wanted to answer this question, but you knew there was no way around it. There was no point in lying, and so you used the only word you knew how to describe how happy you were.

“Extremely,” you replied barely above a whisper, leaving Shawn alone in the same room you just broke his heart in.

#shawn mendes #shawn mendes angst #shawn peter raul mendes #shawn mendes imagine #shawn mendes oneshots #shawn mendes imagines #shawn mendes fanfic #shawn mendes blurb #shawn mendes au #shawn mendes fan fiction #shawn mendes x reader #shawn x reader #sad #illuminate #handwritten #mendes army

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call-me-rei · 4 years ago

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Chapter 37

“I found out what it takes to be a man.”

---

Vic took me down to the beach after our kiss on the pier. We took off our shoes and carried them in opposite hands as we walked hand in hand along the shoreline. It was very romance movie. Once we got tired of walking we sat in the sand and stared out into the horizon. It was a clear night with the moon was shining overhead and reflecting into the ocean.

I leaned my head on his shoulder and breathed in his scent. His cologne mixed with the salty air around us in a perfect way. I nuzzled my nose into the crook of his neck and he wrapped his arm around my waist.

“I don’t want today to end,” I whispered. “This was the best birthday I’ve had in a long time.”

He planted a soft kiss on my forehead and squeezed my hip gently. “I’m glad. I was really worried about it.”

I lifted my head to look into his eyes. “You were?”

“Well, yeah. You’ve been through a lot these last few months. I wanted to give you a day you could enjoy.”

My heart fluttered at his words. I couldn’t believe I’d gotten so lucky with a boyfriend like him. “You know, you’re really sweet. It’s hard to believe that everyone’s afraid of you.”

He chuckled. “A bit, yeah.”

“Why is that?” He hummed in question, so I tried again. “Why is the school afraid of you? What’d you do?”

“Well, what have you heard?” he asked with a nervous chuckle.

It was my turn to chuckle. Memories of what my friends had told me about Vic during my first week of school came back to me. “I’ve heard that you’re in a gang, or that you sell drugs on the side. Obviously I know that’s not true, but it’s funny what everyone comes up with.”

“Right? They make me out to be cooler than I am.”

“That’s not true,” I defended, “I think you’re pretty cool.” He smiled and pulled me back into him. I wrapped my arms around his middle before I asked, “So what’s the truth then?”

Vic ran his fingers up and down my back slowly as he looked thoughtfully at the sky. “It happened my sophomore year. I went to a party with Mike; he was in eighth grade at the time. But like, he was freakishly tall, so no one questioned why a fourteen-year-old was at a party with juniors and seniors.

“Well, we were there and having an okay time. Next thing I know Mike is starting to get into it with this jacked dude. This guy was huge and mad at my brother because his girlfriend was flirting with him and the guy thought Mike was making a move. And he might’ve been, I don’t know. All I knew was that this guy was going to hurt my brother. So, I did what any good big brother would do: I stood in front of the guy and squared up. I wasn’t going to let anyone talk to Mike that way or try to intimidate him.”

“You fought the guy?”

“Kinda,” he continued. “I soon learned that this guy was the captain of the wrestling team and wasn’t one to be messed with. He swung at me, but I ducked in time then swung back at him. Now, he might’ve been big, but he couldn’t fight outside of the wrestling mat. I punched him in the jaw and he went down. I went back to school that Monday and everyone was talking about how the ‘little sophomore knocked out a senior’. I wanna say that no one messed with me after that, but that would be wishful thinking. People tried it but they learned not to fuck with me or the people I love.”

I reached and poked his bicep with my finger. “I can’t believe you knocked a guy out.”

“What, you don’t think these arms could do it?”

I rolled my eyes. “It’s not that. I just think it’s kinda hot. I wish I could’ve been there.”

“I could flex for you now if you want.” He patted his bicep for emphasis. I quickly poked him in the stomach to shut him up. “Alright, alright,” he laughed.

I shook my head before resting it back on his shoulder. Then I lifted it again when a question popped in my head. “Wait, so why’d you try to beat me up? I wasn’t trying to hurt you.”

Vic’s face lit up in realization. “Oh, that was because I thought you were cute and I didn’t know what to do about it.”

I rolled my eyes but couldn’t help but blush at his confession. “Well for the record I think you’re cute too.”

“I hope so! This relationship would be really awkward if you didn’t.”

I couldn’t contain the ugly cackle that left my mouth at his joke. Vic joined me in laughter then gazed at me once we’d both calmed down. He brought me into him once more and drew shapes on my back with his finger. “I hope you had a good day,” he said softly.

I nuzzled into him. “It was perfect. Thank you for all of it.”

“You’re perfect.” He held my chin with his thumb and index finger and pulled my face to his. We shared another sweet kiss under the moonlight as the waves met the shore.

***

Things felt off the day after my birthday. Aside from the fact that it was Monday, the vibe at school was off, and I couldn’t figure out why. People kept staring at me when I passed them. I was kind of used to it already. Ever since my first day kids were staring at me because I “stood up to Vic,” then they started staring at me because Vic and I became “friends.” These stares felt different though.

It felt as if everyone knew something, and they were looking at me trying to figure out if I knew it too. Like there was some huge secret that they couldn’t tell me for whatever reason. I almost wanted to scream at them and ask what was wrong, but I knew nothing would come of it. So I just walked.

Lynn was by my side as I entered the building. I could tell she noticed the stares too. She grabbed onto my arm when they got too intense and she started to get intimidated. I tried my best to keep cool as we walked down the hall. She finally let go when we reached my locker.

“What did you do?” she asked.

I shrugged. “How am I supposed to know? We literally just got here. I know as much as you do.”

“Well something happened and apparently everyone knows about it.” I hummed. That much was obvious. “Do you think they know about Rick?”

I froze. The issues with Rick ended a month prior, so it seemed unlikely that that information would just now be spreading around the school. Besides, the only people I had told about Rick were my friends. I was sure none of them would say anything to anyone else, but maybe someone overheard us? But why wait a whole month to tell other people? That didn’t make much sense. My mind spun in circles with those questions.

I shut my locker door and looked around. I wanted to figure out who would’ve told the entire school my business. The truth was I didn’t know anyone in this school aside from my group of friends. Any one of these other kids could’ve said something. And since rumors don’t have a timeline, it wouldn’t be too preposterous that that person wanted to spread shit about me now.

The thought scared me, then angered me. I didn’t appreciate rumors being spread about me, especially not about my family life and my abusive ex-stepfather. It wasn’t anyone’s business, but I’d be dammed if they started talking about me behind my back.

“Kells?” I looked down at my friend who was staring at me with concern in her eyes. “C’mon,” she said softly, “let’s go to class.” She placed a gentle hand on my shoulder and led us to calculus, passing kids as they stared and whispered.

***

The day didn’t get better. All through calculus I felt different pairs of eyes on me. It took everything in me not to lash out. English class was worse. I noticed kids whispering to each other when they thought I wasn’t paying attention. I couldn’t make out much of what was said, but whatever it was had them all looking at me and snickering. By the time I got to choir I thought I could hear their thoughts as well.

He comes from a broken home.

His dad doesn’t love him, that’s why he hits him.

He deserves it. Gay piece of shit.

Or maybe those were the thoughts I had in the back of my own mind. Things had been going too well lately, why not add some depression to keep things level? Because of course, good things don’t last forever.

I walked out of the choir hall and into the atrium. I wanted to leave the building, maybe just go home and forget about my last class. It was pretty much a blow off class anyway, and Lynn or Sav could give me notes. At least if I wasn’t there I wouldn’t be made fun of.

I sat down and was about to pull out my phone to text the girls when I saw Lynn walk up to me with a worried look on her face. I immediately stood.

“What’s wrong?” I’d never seen her look so upset before.

She chewed on her bottom lip. “I think I figured out why people have been staring at you.”

“It’s Rick, right? They know what he did?” Panic was starting to course through me. All I could think was that my whole school knew I had been abused at home. That was, until Lynn spoke again.

“That’s not it.” She said it so softly that I almost missed it amongst the chatter in the atrium.

“Then what is it?” She started playing with her fingers. “Lynn?”

“Have you…been online today? Checked social media?”

I shook my head. “Tell me what’s going on.”

With a sigh, Lynn pulled out her phone and tapped on the screen. She handed it to me once she was done. I was confused and wondered why I was staring at a Twitter page.

“Lynn, wh-”

“Just look,” she said, cutting me off.

I took another look, finally acknowledging what all was on the screen. It was Jacob’s Twitter page. I looked at Lynn again but she just gestured for me to look back at her phone, so I did.

I scrolled down from his header to the most recent tweet. Then I almost dropped the phone.

His most recent tweet was a picture. A picture of me with Vic the night before. We were kissing on the pier. That picture had been tweeted out to Jacob’s 1,000+ followers, most of which I assumed went to our school. That would explain the stares.

“Is this…” I couldn’t even finish my thought.

Lynn nodded. “I heard some kids talking about it in sixth period so I looked for it and…well...”

I sat back down. “Does Vic know?”

“I don’t-” She was cut off by a booming voice at the end of the hall.

“Wheeler!” Everyone in the atrium immediately went silent and looked in the direction of the angry yell. I just put my head in my hands; I already knew who it was, and I knew he was pissed.

“Where the fuck is he?” Vic had stormed up and was next to me now, standing in between me and Lynn. I didn’t make a move, but others did. Kids circled around the three of us so they wouldn’t miss anything that was about to happen.

I didn’t want to be there for it. Vic was pissed, rightfully so, but I’d never seen him so angry before. It was understandable though since he had been wrongfully outed by the biggest jerk in school. Still, I was frightened, embarrassed, and heartbroken. This wasn’t fair to Vic, and knowing how scared he was to come out, I knew he’d want revenge for what was done.

“Jacob fucking Wheeler get your ass here now! Fucking face me you coward!”

The kids around us looked in every direction trying to find Jacob. Then the corwd parted. Jacob appeared from the crowd with a cocky grin on his face. I wanted nothing more but to wipe it off, and apparently Vic had the same idea. He took some steps forward.

“What the fuck, Wheeler?”

“What? Were you trying to keep it a secret? That you’re gay and you’re dating that little piece of shit?” He gestured to me. I stood up in anger.

“Shut up you tool,” I spat. He just laughed in my face.

“Aw, are you trying to stand up for your little boyfriend. It’s funny Fuentes, I would’ve thought at the very least you could pull someone better. Instead you go for him?”

Vic didn’t say anything; he just stood there with his fists clenched. Jacob took that as a sign to continue.

“Why him? Is he easy? Is that the reason you guys became friends so suddenly? He sucked your dick to get on your good side, didn’t he?”

“Leave him out of this,” Vic seethed through his teeth.

“Or what? What the fuck will you do? I’m not afraid of some fucking fa-”

He never got the chance to finish his sentence because in a flash Vic had pushed him against a nearby wall. Some girls screamed as they ran and dodged the two of them. Vic had a tight grip on Jacob’s collar with one hand and his other forearm on his neck, clearly cutting off circulation.

“Now Wheeler,” he started in a eerily calm voice, “didn’t your parents teach you that that word isn’t very nice? You could really piss someone off when you say shit like that.”

Jacob sputtered out a couple coughs in response.

“Let’s get one thing straight: you posting that picture was a bitch move, and I will make sure that you know that every time I see you. And in case you don’t think I’m serious, remember this: I was gay when I kicked your ass last year. I was gay when I kicked your ass at the beginning of this year. Hell, I’m openly gay now, but I’ll still kick your ass. Don’t fucking test me. Now, you’re going to leave me, my friends, and the boy I love alone, or else I’ll make this last month of school the worst one for you.”

Vic shoved Jacob angrily against the wall after his speech and watched as he cowered. Jacob’s friends helped him off the ground and retreated along with a few kids who were watching the scene unfold. Vic wasn’t concerned with any of that though. Once Jacob was gone he walked over to me. The rage that was once in his eyes was replaced with concern as he asked, “Are you okay?”

I nodded, trying to get a grasp on everything that I had just witnessed. Then something occurred to me.

“You love me?”

Vic’s expression went from worried to confused to shocked. “What?”

I tried again, this time with a smile playing on my lips. “You love me.”

He rubbed the back of his neck. “Yeah, well…it wasn’t supposed to come out like that. I was thinking I’d tell you in a more romantic way. Maybe with a nice dinner, not when I was about to beat some guy up.”

“Yeah, but you did it for me. I think that’s pretty romantic.”

“And I’d do it again if I needed to.” I smirked as I walked toward him to close the space between us.

“See? Romantic.”

“I guess.” He put his hands on my hips and stared into my eyes. “I wanna try this again, properly this time. I love you, KQ.”

I put my hands on his face and closed the space between our lips. “I love you, too.”

#Pierce The Veil - Coming Clean #Pierce The Veil fanfiction #Pierce The Veil fanfic #Vic Fuentes #Kellin Quinn #Kellic #Kellic fanfiction #Kellic fanfic #Fanfiction #Fanfic #Playlist Love

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kittencaboodleextraordinaire · 4 years ago

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“Ok, but I had a Johnny first, and mine is better”: Adventures in Cyberpunk with a snarky headmate

Warning: this post contains considerable discussion of a major plot point in Cyberpunk 2077 which is discussed in the promotional materials (trailers etc) but which is not revealed in-game until after the first segment of the main story (the heist). Those who wish to remain unspoiled may instead view this lovely picture I edited of four raccoons in a trenchcoat (inspired by Critical Role’s playthrough of the absolutely delightful ttrpg Crash Pandas, which I highly encourage everybody in existence to go check out).

This phenomenal piece of art is surely the high point of this post. It can only go downhill from here.

Anyway.

So as we all know, Cyberpunk 2077 was finally released a few days ago to the expected amount of drama and fanfare, and my partner and I have been playing it together, by which I mean he’s been playing and I’ve been providing helpful advice like “We should totally buy the awesome purple car what do you mean you want a motorcycle THE MOTORCYCLE ISN’T PURPLE”. It’s not, y’know, an amazing game, but it’s pretty fun and I have already found multiple characters to ship V with, which I’m sure we can all agree is the truly important thing here. Plus of course there is abundant opportunity to make innuendo at my partner so I am a happy kitten. Mostly. There is one aspect of the story that is proving to be a continual source of awkwardness and general highly disconcerting aura. Namely, Johnny Silverhands.

At some point (I fell asleep for this part so I don’t know exactly what happened), you end up fused with a chip containing the personality of Johnny Silverhands, some kind of sort of famous dude who died a long time ago or something like that. awards self 10/10 stars for that eloquent and informative summary of important plot elements I was totally paying attention to and wasn’t asleep for at all anyway the important thing is there’s a dude hanging out in your brain with you. This is kind of weird and awkward for me, since I also have a dude hanging out in my brain with me. His name is Jonas. Jonas, say hi. J: I’m not a zoo animal and I don’t do tricks, also I reject the idea that this adds to the post in any real way. However you are very lucky because I am bored and complaining at you sounds more fun than going back to sleep. Now I’m tired and it’s 3:30 am go to bed or write the rest of this by your own damn self. That’s basically the same thing I guess.

Jonas is a bit weird. I don’t really have any idea what he is, and it’s not really within the scope of this blog post to discuss it in depth. He is some flavor of alternate personality, he is one of my closest friends, and he is a pain in the ass, much like most of my other friends. Having Jonas around is uncannily like V’s experience sharing their brain with Johnny Silverhands. Now I have a few other friends who have multiple personalities, one of whom is watching playthroughs of Cyberpunk and has appropriately described the experience as “pretty fucky”, which about sums it up. However it’s made even worse for me personally by the sheer number of similarities between Jonas and Johnny and their interactions with the people they share heads with, for (the most obvious) example, their names are really fucking similar. Jonas has matured a lot since he started appearing about 6-7 years ago but Johnny’s snark, unhelpfulness, complete disinterest in being nice, and even his body language all scream of Jonas’s original behavior, which, let’s be honest here, he still does all that anyway, he’s just nicer about it because he likes me. When Jonas and I talk, we tend to picture him as standing (or sitting or leaning against the wall or whatever) somewhere in the room with me, much as Johnny appears to V. He’s not active all the time and until very very recently was almost never “in charge”, so to speak, much like Johnny. So what we have here is somebody who acts a fuck of a lot like Jonas, has a similar name to Jonas, and interacts with their host in a manner that is almost a perfect match to how Jonas interacts with me. Somehow all of this went over my head. Then something even more uncanny happened.

Now, Jonas was originally an extremely minor character in a vast series of stories that I have made up in my head and never actually written down. He somehow evolved, without any conscious effort on my part, from a bit character who was never meant to do anything besides show up, get scolded by the authorities, and leave, to an increasingly major character, to living in my brain with me. Consequently, while he generally shares my tastes and preferences in terms of food and etc etc etc, there is an extremely major way in which we diverge: Jonas, like Johnny, and unlike me, smokes. All the time. It is Very Important to him. As such, the fact that I do not smoke and have exactly negative one billion interest in ever doing so is a source of intense frustration to him. We have had m a n y arguments about this. He knows not to push it too much and respects that it is my decision but that is not about to stop him from complaining about it loudly and with great passion. So when we encountered a scene of V and Johnny having the exact same fucking argument, ending with the incredibly blatantly Jonasesque lamentation from Johnny “Nonsmokers are the fucking worst”, it was like getting hit in the head with a brick. Actually forget the brick, it was like being hit with an entire building, and then having Jonas stick his head out the window and go “Missed me? ;)”, and then yelling back “WELL IDK BUT MAYBE NEXT TIME YOU’RE PILOTING AN ENTIRE FUCKING BUILDING IF YOU COULD TRY A LITTLE HARDER TO MISS ME THAT’D BE REALLY NICE THANKS” and then having him wink at me and assure me that head trauma builds character. It fucking doesn’t and he knows it.

After that, it was impossible to not see Jonas every time Johnny came onscreen. I still enjoy the game a lot. The setting and story are both really really cool and the loot is A+, and I really love being able to hang out in voice chat with my partner, who currently lives pretty far away, and do something fun together and experience something new. But having my relationship with Jonas, which I still have a lot of conflicting feelings about no matter how much I genuinely believe he’s a positive force in my life, reflected back at me at every turn, is bizarre, surreal, and a constant reminder of issues that have been nagging at me for a while, many of which are explicitly being brought up by the game itself. Last night we were doing a mission where V and Johnny at some point start talking and V mentions how they seem to be getting along better and Johnny suggests that maybe it’s because he’s rubbing off on V. V responds with something to the effect of “Am I becoming more like you, or are you becoming more like me?”. Jonas and I have been asking ourselves the same question for years. The only answer we were ever able to come up with is “probably both”, but the question of how much and to what extent, and if you start blending together with somebody else that much, are you really the same person anymore, and on down the rabbit hole we go, can really eat at you if you’re the kind of person who cares about that sort of thing. Which I guess we both are. And frankly we are probably not even half done with the main storyline and I doubt it’s going to stop posing these questions.

J: so I said I wasn’t going to have any more of this and went off in a huff but actually I changed my mind I have some stuff to say.

this is obviously weird for kitsie, and I guess it might be obviously weird for me too but it’s weird in an entirely different kinda way. it’s certainly surreal, and a lot of the questions it keeps bringing up are a lot to think about. Johnny is a program on a computer chip designed to be a copy of the original Johnny’s brain. this raises the question, and this may or may not be addressed later, how real is he? and is he the original Johnny, just on a computer chip now, or is he a different entity who happens to be identical to Johnny? and how is a person on a computer chip embedded on somebody’s brain really different from a person who’s a subroutine in somebody else’s brain? am I real? am I a part of Kitsie that just thinks differently for some reason? are we two facets of a whole being that’s kind of both of us and kind of neither of us? am I just a hitchhiker? I really don’t know. I have a lot of memories and backstory. things I did in the past, before I knew Kitsie. are those memories real? they feel real to me but on the other hand they didn’t actually happen. are Johnny’s memories real? they did happen but he’s a brain scan so did they actually happen to him? it’s a lot to think about, but hard to stop thinking.

and then there’s the other concern, which is that this is a game for kitsie to enjoy with her partner, and whenever this shit happens it wakes me up and I end up feeling really weird, like I’m intruding. which I am. and as wonderful and understanding as he is, I’m still very much something he is getting used to and having problems adjusting to and I really understand because fuck I’m having a problem adjusting to me too. and maybe it’s stupid but I feel bad for being the disconcerting aura of uncomfortable thoughts wafting through something that’s supposed to be a pleasant and fun evening without me in it. which frankly sums up my entire existence. fuck this I’m tired I’m out of here again go tf to sleep kit.

I had more to say but “what he said” pretty much sums it up.

In conclusion, I don’t really have any objection to the story itself. It’s an interesting concept carried out fairly well that under normal circumstances I would think was really cool, and certainly it’s been a unique experience anyway. And I guess if anything the fact that it’s so unnervingly on the nose is a sign they did a good job? I’m still having a huge amount of fun with the game and the massive backlog of sidequests combined with our minimal ability to focus means that the main quest only takes up a small portion of our playtime in any case. I just needed to get all this shit off my chest.

This has been tonight’s episode of the Kitty Rambles Podcast, I am too tired to think of any good way to end this so goodnight and thank you for tuning in!

#cyberpunk 2077 systems headmates seriously what even the fuck

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smalleststress · 7 years ago

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all the moon related q's?? 🌜🌜🌜

Ask and ye shall receive, small warning I get pretty sappy.

Cosmos: What’s one thing you wish you could say to someone you are no longer friends with?

Hm, that’s a tough since I’m on good terms with the majority of people I’m not close with anymore so there isn’t much to say. Probably “I hope you are doing well, even if it’s without me.”

Galaxies: What Are Three Things You Want To Do Before You Die?

Take a month or so and just take pictures of places I mentally use as markers/associate strong memories with. Finish writing a novel-esk story for once. This is sappy but, have a small gay wedding.

Waxing: What Is Your Proudest Accomplishment?

Oh jeez, proudest? So far, becoming a better person and letting go of things that were keeping me from living my life.

Waning: What Is Your Biggest Regret?

Dating a guy honestly,,, If we are talking my whole life? Probably a mix between letting nostalgia keep me from progress/change and being an aggressive/hurtful person when I was a kid. It’s a wonder I had any friends back then really.

Full Moon: What Type Of Person Do You Hope To Be?

I’d like to be the type of person that someone can go to for comfort and vent, I’m already called the mom friend so I’m half way there.

Contemplation: If You Could Wake Up One Morning And Everything In Your Life Was Perfect, What Would That Look Like?

Most likely the same, except no one (Since the question is in my life, I guess this only really affects those who are in it) that I know would have monetary issues, health issues, and any thing they personally desire is available readily. In short, happier for others I suppose. I’m doing pretty okay rn so I’d look outwardly to make it perfect.

Night Light: Who/What Makes You Feel Safe?

Obvious answer is my girlfriend, she is someone I can always count on and can speak my mind to, we both have bad impulse control (I chugged a chocolate syrup bottle, she likes to go to abandoned buildings) but each others safety always comes first. A thing that makes me feel safe is fluffy blankets, the kind you would get as a kid with a pair of pajamas. I’m a very cuddly person and to have something warm surround me instantly helps me feel safe.

Ponder: What Do You Want To Do With The Rest Of Your Life?

I’m ( if I pass the test and such) going into the National Guard, so I imagine that will be a good chunk, afterwords my goal is to be a sort of therapist/counselor and then retire to become a gay hermit with a big dog in a small house/apartment.

Sunset: Who Is Someone You Thought Would Be In Your Life Forever, But You No Longer Talk To?

That’s a tough one, since I don’t think I’ve ever thought anyone would be in my life forever till within the recent years. I really can’t think of anyone, my grandfather when I was younger maybe?

Midnight: Are You A Different Person Late At Night Than In The Early Morning?

Somewhat, I’m more relaxed and thoughtful late at night but I tend to overthink things more, definitely more cuddly. Early morning I’m usually tired and have a short temper, not a good time for me.

Candle Light: Are You An Indecisive Person?

If this is any sort of insight, my girlfriend has dubbed me the indecisive one in the relationship (which is true). I tend to mull over life decisions for months at a time, years even, if I’m given the time to. I’m a good guesser so I am not stressed if I have to make a quick decisions but if it holds any sort of significant weight, I will probably take my time in choosing.

Reflection: Have You Ever Changed Something You Liked About Yourself To Satisfy Someone Else?

Not that I can remember. I’ve luckily always faked or had the confidence in myself to know that those I’d have to change my self for to make them happy are not people I care to be around. I like mostly everything about myself, and changing my entire self for someone isn’t something I’d consider an option, more likely to just not be around/with that person. Being a lone wolf in social situations can suck sometimes, but if I’m not comfortable with myself at the end of the day then I can’t be happy.

Sweet Dreams: Are You Happy?

Most of the time, yes. I have my ups and downs like everyone else but I’m a generally positive person. I’ve changed a lot of things about my self and the way I think/act, all of them have help me become a happier&better version of the person I used to be. Introspection, my dude, it’s hella helpful.

Nightmare: What Are You Most Afraid Of?

Being put somewhere high where I have no control or support, oddly specific, but that shit isn’t thrilling to me. Broadly, I fear for my loved ones safety, I am a very protective person towards the people I care about and wouldn’t hesitate to take a bullet for any of them. Them being put in any kind of dangerous peril instantly causes me to panic and have adrenaline flood my system.

Constellations: Who Is Someone You Could Talk To For Hours And Never Stop?

You probably already guessed it but, my girlfriend. Our dates are filled with us talking to one another and we have talked about everything from serious topics to me calling her a cryptid, I never get bored of our conversations.

Reminder: Who Is Someone You Will Never Forget?

Just one? I’ll dig real far back for this one then. There was this girl named Darya at my middle school in 6th grade that was a literal angel to me in a time where I had nearly zero friends (all my friends from elementary were in a separate part of the school). Darya had iron strained hair she put into ponytails, and warm brown eyes with dark skin (my memory isn’t too clear so I’m not sure exactly her appearance but I think this is right).

She was so kind to me and one day told me she had to leave to go to her father’s house, I was devastated to lose a friend like her. That day she gave me drawings she made that said “You Can Change The World” and coloring book pages she colored in, along with two art stickers she had been saving. She never returned to school after that day and I didn’t have a phone or number to try to contact her with. I still have all the items she gave to me, and I hope she is doing well.

11-11: What’s Something You Want, But Feel Like You Will Never Have?

Feel like I will never have? Probably complete serenity for life, I relax for a while but eventually I am anxious once again because of various things that I have to live with so, most likely I will never have it. It’s fine though, honestly. I’m quite happy the way I am.

Shooting Star: Who Is Someone You Trust To Help You Make The Right Decisions?

I’ll pick someone other then the people around me, since it’s multiple people I really trust to help me. Myself, or my gut feeling to be more specific. I don’t have an uncanny ability to choose the right path, but I would say I do better then just a blind guess. I have bad impulse control at moments, but I am indecisive with what matters and I give myself time to figure out what is best.

Earth: Where Do You Feel Most At Home?

My physical home is comforting, don’t get me wrong, but I feel most at home with her. Which is surprising to no one, considering how much I talk about my girlfriend. Being around her turns any place into somewhere I could call home, I was always homesick till I met her.

Soothe: What’s One Thing that Always Makes You Feel Better When You’re Upset?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9K-Ef-LCYv4

Harp version of Spirited Away’s One Summer Day, calms me down when I’’m feeling stressed, if I had to pick one.

Slumber: What’s One Thing That Helps You Fall Asleep When It Feels Impossible?

Well, that really depends on the reason. If its a bad thoughts type of sleep, I listen to MBMBAM or go through kind words my girlfriend sent me. If its I’m just too awake, I think of something to dream about (even though I don’t dream much anymore) and listen to peaceful music till I drift off to sleep.

#thank you for the ask!#askadork #anon #'hey look at me i did it way late #at least i finished all of them tho #now i shall eat then work #need to go run with my dog #i talked alot about my gf whoops #if that isnt me all the time tho #these were interesting to think about #anyeay #hope you all are having a good day #ill be on later probably

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sketchesandnonesense · 7 years ago

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I’m

not sure how I’m doing tonight

it’s not great though

I just feel kinda tired and numb

and i feel like I bring it upon myself

I don’t honestly know if I have depression

I still haven’t properly seen a psychiatrist or a therapist or anything

probably never will

I’m too scared

because there’s two possibilities

either A. I genuinely have a mental illness I may have to take meds for and deal with for the rest of my life trying to recover

or B. I am not actually mentally ill at all and I’m just a fat lazy waste of fucking space.

and both scare me

I hate feeling like this

I hate feeling guilty every time I’m genuinely happy

I feel like I don’t deserve to be happy

I keep taking it easy on myself trying to ease the pain but everything still hurts

getting out of bed is near impossible before 3 in the afternoon most of the time

I just feel like there’s nothing worth getting out of bed for

I keep sleeping because my dreams are more interesting and fufilling than my actual life

I know I’m never going to accomplish anything great

or even vaguely interesting or successful

I don’t have the drive for that

I don’t have the ambition and self-dicipline

any good qualities I have are only there in short bursts

I’ll suddenly have one good day where I get everything in my room cleaned and vacuum and make my bed and I’ll end up hating myself because wow I could have used that energy to work on something actually worthwhile or wow I could have done this at any time but only now I decided to not be a piece of shit go me

I appreciate the help I get and the encouragement from friends but it never feels like it’s helping enough

I’m taking it easy on myself, I’m trying to get into routines, I’m trying to take care of myself

but it’s hard

and it’s worse when every time I fail I beat myself up more and anytime I go easy on myself I beat myself up over that too because I don’t deserve it

I don’t deserve anything I have

my life is so good and i’m just wasting away my days glued to my laptop or my bed

I’ve even been eating less recently. My appetite is barely existant anymore but I force myself to eat because I know I should.

once I start going days without eating, people will get more concerned. then intervene. then I might end up in a hospital.

and I can’t have that.

it’d cost too much money

I wanna stop being a burden, but I can’t manage to get myself out of bed half the time.

more and more I keep thinking that if I just minimize how much I eat and maybe keep everything in my room off more, I’ll cost less to have around. I’ll be less of a burden, since I still haven’t even tried to get a job at any of the local hell holes.

and my art’s going nowhere fast.

I’m too much of a lazy shit to put together a proper professional art blog and to redo my commission prices

and last time I went job hunting for concept artist gigs online I ended up abandoning the venture within a day because I choked and didn’t respond to either of the possible employers I found because I’m a worthless ball of anxiety

I can’t do anything right

I just

I want to die so badly

but I’m too chicken shit to do it

I’m too chicken shit to even hurt myself

even if I tried, I’d put in failsafes incase I changed my mind. leave an obvious note and plan it so my family might find me in time. stuff like that.

do I even want to die

do i just want attention

because I’m so fucking pathetic and I don’t get enough somehow even with how much I worry everyone that cares about me with even how much attention I get from people I care about it’s not fucking enough for my greedy ass I need more attention obviously

god

I wanna cry

I wish I’d told my doctor about how my depressive episodes and anxiety attacks haven’t let up

how I still don’t feel any different

but I didn’t

I said everything was on the up and up

why did I do that

why did I talk like that

that wasn’t me it didn’t feel like me

sometimes I get these weird bursts of energy n lucidity where I’m overly eloquent and functional and it’s always at the worst times

and i suddenly forget how much of a fucking garbage can I am

god I’m so worthless

maybe if I die now I can still be a tragedy on the 9:00 news

local woman found dead in her home

she was so young and full of talent, what a shame. she probably would have gone on to do great things

but little do they know all my future entails is me festering in my room and avoiding contact with other people

they’d never know.

man I feel sorry for my boyfriend

he never sees this side of me. he never sees my depression except second hand seeing my posts.

when I’m with him, the world seems abit brighter. my heart feels lighter and I think my future might be worth something after all.

but

he deserves better than me

when he comes up to visit he’ll see all of me

he’ll see my ungodly bitchy days, my depression in it’s entirety, he’ll see my anxiety attacks, how snappy i can be.

i wonder if he’ll still be able to love me then.

probably.

he’s so sweet, and caring. he’s the best thing that’s happened to me and he doesn’t deserve having to deal with me.

nobody deserves having to deal with me.

It’s never going to get better.

I’m too broken and scared and I won’t let anyone fix me.

if I can’t do it myself, I deserve to be broken.

That’s just how I am.

I need to prove to myself I’m worth living.

and fucking god is that hard

I started off writing this feeling so tired and numb and now I’m on the brink of crying and my chest hurts and feels like it’s going to cave in on itself and I did this to myself again

Ialways do this to myself I induce my fucking anxiety attacks I make my depressive episodes worse I’m my own worst enemy and I can’t do jack about it so I might as well kill myself because I’ll be better dead in the ground than battling my own mind and hurting the people I love

it’ll be better for them to see me go quickly and painlessly then to pitifully wither away in my bed

make it quick like a bandaid

let them say their goodbyes and unplug the fucking life support

it’d be better that way

but I don’t even know how I’d kill myself

I don’t think overdosing on my meds would do it. make me incredibly sick? yeah. but my family would find out easily and probably get me to the hospital and that has a high potential to save me.

ingesting chemicals sounds like it’d hurt too much.

there’s no good places to jump off of nearby, and I don’t wanna drive out somewhere to find one. and getting hit by a car means there’ll be another person I’ll hurt by making them have to live with the guilt of hitting me.

I don’t know where dad keeps the pistol anymore, so that’s also out.

I think this is the “planning phase” my doctor told me I should call a suicide hotline if I got to this point

but I’m too tired to try and kill myself and I’d need to plan out my goodbyes

maybe leave a creative suicide note

i don’t know

I’m sorry if any of you are reading this and worrying about me

I’m not gonna die tonight

or tomorrow

I’m too much of a lazy worthless shit to kill myself anytime soon

I’ll probably be right as rain by morning or tomorrow afternoon. whenever I wake up.

I’ll just ignore the fact this post exists, accept any sweet messages people sent me, and then go about whatever I was going to do.

like I always do.

It’s disgusting how used to this I am

it’s even worse how I drag you all down with me.

if you actually read through all this, thanks i guess?

more than just skimming, and then quickly going to call the hospital

I’m not killing myself anytime soon

not yet

I haven’t got a plan for that yet.

and I wanna make atleast acouple decent projects to leave behind first. something people can enjoy in my memory n all that shit.

i don’t know

I need some sleep.

#ignore me #went from numb to crying to suicidal and back to numb #whoo #welcome to becca's emotional ride #everything sucks

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illyriantremors · 8 years ago

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Beneath the Stars Chapter 1: An ACOMAF AU Fic

This is the *NaNo* fic I’ve been working on for a few months now. Yay! I will post each chapter here individually on Tumblr over the coming weeks, but the entirety of it is already up on AO3 if you wish to binge it.

This fic is very close to my heart. As I have sort of intimated at times on this blog, my head space has gotten a little tumultuous in recent years as I’ve been working through some things, and so I used Feyre as a sounding board for a lot of those emotions. I have not lived the family or romantic life she has lived in this fic, but the thoughts she expresses internally and otherwise are very much my own throughout. So while my Feyre is going to seem rather different in many ways from book Feyre (and I apologize for all the California culture in advance), I hope this helps explain why.

Major THANK YOU to @kitashiwrites for reading this entire fic over, continually encouraging me to finish it, and for telling me it wasn’t total garbage. You are the absolute best!!!

Summary: After her family falls apart on a night Feyre Archeron would rather forget, she flees to the biggest start-of-summer party around at Lucien’s where the comfort of her boyfriend Tamlin awaits. But as the party drags on, Feyre begins to realize that the cracks in her life run much deeper than she realized. When she meets a rather mysterious new friend at the party with witty remarks and what seems like genuine sympathy, senior year suddenly promises to bring a whole new set of challenges and emotions that she wasn’t prepared for.

Rating: E [Chapter 1 is NSFW, but most of the fic won’t be.]

AO3 Linkage

Beneath the Stars

My throat itched as I climbed the long length of Lucien’s driveway. I had to swallow over and over again to keep myself from coughing all while trying to breathe out my mouth since my nose was still drying up with snot. Hell if I knew when the screams would die out. I could still hear them ringing in my ear even now.

Each one drove me further up the driveway and damn if Lucien didn’t have such a monstrosity of a house, if you could call it that. Home was a funny way to describe where Lucien lived when it took up several acres worth of space, contained fifteen or more bedrooms, and covered every spare inch of space in solid white marble.

It was a wonder I wasn’t more used to it by now - the richness of it all. Everyone in my life ran in this type of circle. Even my own family lived in luxury, though nothing quite what Lucien’s family was packing and who knew how much longer it would last, now that mom had - ah.

Later. I could think about that later. Right now, I was on a mission with one single purpose - to see him.

The lie laughed openly at me as I reached the top of the small hill leading up the entryway. No matter how hard I tried, I was likely never to forget the exchange of words between my parents for a long time coming. But if I could just get close enough to him, close enough to touch him, maybe I could forget even if only for a moment.

That was all I needed when I was with my boyfriend. Just a touch or a shared look and the world would disappear, dragging all of my family’s shit right along with it. There were times I wished it would take me too, but then… what was the point?

Sometimes, I didn’t much care to answer that question.

A flash of hair a tad too bright to be my own…

The crash of the door slamming on its hinges as her perfume swept by me…

The screech of tires on pavement as she spun out…

“Ah,” I growled to myself, waving my hand through the air as if I could physically assault my memory and take it away.

Where was Tamlin?

Even a mile down the driveway, I had heard the music pulsing. Getting to the door only amplified the sound tenfold and I rather liked it. It was a beat you could dance or destroy to, whatever suited your mood. The air was hot out - hot even for early summer in southern California. It only added to the crawling of the rhythm over my skin that pushed me inside the manor, away from the couples exploring each other behind trees and bushes around Lucien’s immense front lawn.

How the hell he and his brothers got away with these garbage parties was beyond me. But I was grateful all the same that they did for the time it got me away from home and in my boyfriend’s pants.

The front door was wide open and I stumbled inside to a madhouse. People were everywhere and despite going to school with all of them over the past three years, I only recognized a handful of faces. The eternal downside of California’s public education system - and it had many - was the thousands of students school districts insisted on shoving into one school with the audacity to call it balanced.

My senior graduating class was expected to top off at just over 1,100 students and that was just one year of students, nevermind the other three.

No one looked at me unfriendly as I walked in. It didn’t matter that we were strangers barely able to recognize one another from a smattering of shared classes we didn’t converse in.

This was a party. The party. The one that said summer was officially underway and that the nights were already too unbearably hot for everyone not to be drunk and still fully dressed.

And blast it all if Lucien’s house wasn’t perfect for just such an occasion I cursed silently as I made my way through the maze of hallways and bonus rooms and living rooms trying to isolate one individual among many. Like looking for a needle in a haystack.

A needle my shaking hands were ready to bend and break if I didn’t find Tamlin soon to take the edge off.

Just breathe, Feyre. Breathe. You’ll find it. It will work. This will work.

My fingers rose to my lips where my teeth were ready to chew on the tender skin around the nail beds I hadn’t already bitten to bits when I saw the distinct flash of red bobbing towards me through the crowd. And then I heard his biting voice.

“That’s what I’m going to do if he so much as steps one foot out of - Feyre!”

Surprise interrupted the red-headed bravado as Lucien came to a full stop in front of me. My hand fell back to my side at ease, a light lick of saliva barely coating my forefinger before I could get to it properly.

“Lucien, thank the stars,” I said, feeling the first glimpses of relief settle into my veins. “Where’s Tamlin?”

“Tamlin?” Lucien snapped the name in two at me, almost indignant I would ask. It made my nose curl up around my eyes.

“Yes, Tamlin,” I said, with obvious irritation. “Do you have any idea?”

Lucien seemed to cool out of whatever had caught him by the long hairs of his auburn head, his voice going even while he nonchalantly handed off his drink to the pretty blond he’d been chatting with. He touched the long jagged scar that ran through one of his eyes unawares, the one that permanently marred his vision.

“I didn’t think you were coming tonight, Feyre.”

I crossed my arms feeling defensive because it was true. I hadn’t planned on coming tonight.

Exams had been exhausting and sleep sounded like a great way to cap off the last day of school - not a party. And then mom and dad exploded in the living room and I knew I had to get out and that was before mom had given me her own parting farewell.

Lucien didn’t need to know that though. It was none of his business.

So I swept past him heading for the stairs and said as smoothly as I could muster, not at all bothered by him, “I know your house is the size of a whale, Lucien, but I’d like to find Tamlin now, so if you’re not going to help-”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa,” Lucien cut in quickly, but it was the way he grabbed my arm sharply that made me feel like there was more to the gesture than a simple fear he’d offended me ignoring my pleas. “I know where he is. I’ll get him for you. Just wait here, okay? There’s beer in the kitchen.”

Beer.

My stomach turned at the thought of all that golden ale running down my throat. It was too much like dad for my own liking even if I knew how to keep myself in check with it.

“You know I can’t stand that nasty stuff. I’ll just come with you.”

“No,” Lucien insisted and he actually physically turned my body towards the kitchen. “Just stay here and do something. Try a beer, a water, a CapriSun for all I care. You look like hell, Feyre.”

He was gone before I could swivel back a disgruntled retort, but ah, what did it matter? I was used to it by now with Lucien, our back-and-forth way of biting at each other to say, Hey, you’re actually kind of alright. If that’s what it was. Like me or not like me - I could never really tell with him.

The kitchen, however, I did not make for content to stay away from dad’s poisons of choice for as long as I could. Though I would never have admitted it aloud to another soul - even Tamlin - part of me was desperate to crack open a bottle and chug it all down in one bitterly delicious gulp, see if it wouldn’t taste as soothing and wonderful as my body felt whenever Tamlin touched me, ran his hands over my skin in ways that sent little shocks of electricity zinging all over until I lit up brighter than a Christmas tree.

That had to be it, right? I eyed the kitchen door wondering. Why else would dad drink so much if it didn’t make him feel that amazing all the damn time? What would make him choose the bottles over other more important things if it didn’t -

“Feyre!”

I turned at the sound of my name and found Tamlin coming down Lucien’s stairs from the second floor; They were almost as long as the driveway. He looked impeccable as he always did, his blonde hair combed back smoothly though I could see it was still fresh with an unbelievable amount of gel. I stifled a secret smile at how secretly vain he could be.

He stopped a few feet away looking wary and the gap left between us struck me. I didn’t want a gap. I didn’t want separation. I wanted him in that soft red vest and faded denim jeans pressing against me until there was so little space, nothing could get between us. The fact that it wasn’t already happening, agitated by the fact that Tamlin himself had stopped short, did little to quiet the anxiety I’d been fighting for the greater part of the evening. My fingers twitched once at my side as I ground my teeth in response.

But then - he smiled and I felt instantly silly for thinking anything could ever have been wrong. “I didn’t think you were coming tonight. What happened?”

I rolled her eyes, not ready for that just yet. “It’s such a long story,” I said and snatched his hand. Tired of waiting, we made for the stairs from which Tamlin had just descended. I cast a not so apologetic look over my shoulder at Lucien. “Sorry, Lukey, but I don’t think you’re going to want to hear me recite the whole thing to him.”

“Ugh, Feyre, could we not?” But Lucien was looking at Tamlin when he answered and there was something of a hard concern in his eyes that I ignored for other instincts.

I found the bedroom quickly enough. It wasn’t like we hadn’t used it before. I just didn’t normally throw the door open quite so hard as I did tonight and for once, it caught Tamlin’s attention.

“Feyre,” he said like a question, but already I was pressing my lips against his. He tasted sweet, a cool breeze in early spring before all the miserable heat of summer had come to snatch it away from us. “Fey-ruh,” he mumbled against me. “What’s going on?” But there was no denying the distraction mounting by the second in his pants.

“Later,” I pulled away just far enough to say before grabbing him by the collar of his vest. “Just kiss me first. I need you to kiss me.”

The pleading tone that was dripping with more beggary than I cared to admit was enough. Tamlin pulled me against him and utterly engulfed me in his arms. A chill broke out on my skin as the clothes came off, but it was quickly replaced by the fervent heat between us as Tam took me on the bed and entered me in such a blaze of movement, I wondered if he’d been hard for me before I’d even dragged him up the stairs.

Everything in the world started to slow as Tamlin worked against me. My parents. My sisters. School. All the little aches and pains were replaced by his skin, his lips, his body. I moved furiously against him, wanting as much of him as I could get my hands on. It was the only thing keeping the nagging aches at bay every time they tried to claw their way back in. Even while we were connected and moving together, I had moments where my mind drifted back to the fight, the car pulling out of the driveway, and my dad opening the liquor cabinet up and I hated myself for it. So I concentrated on how he felt because thinking about me was too much of a mess to even begin to deal with and Tamlin’s body numbed the pain.

Numbed it, I thought, but didn’t take it entirely away.

We were silent for a while after Tamlin had pulled out of me. I nestled into his shoulder and stared up at the ceiling while he ran his fingers up and down my arm.

“Why didn’t you tell me you’d changed your mind about coming?” He didn’t ask what had changed my mind, I noticed, only why I hadn’t told him. After how quickly I’d shut him up to have sex when he’d asked the first time, I could hardly blame him.

And maybe I was a tiny bit relieved. I could deal with my bizarre family drama later. For now, it was nice just to share a bed with a warm body in it.

“I don’t know,” I admitted. “It just sort of happened, but who cares? I’m here now anyway.”

I looked up at him and leaned in to kiss him. Tamlin sighed into it. “Right you are,” he said. “I just wish you had told me first.”

This time, he leaned in to kiss me, but the high of the moment was already starting to fade and there was something off with him that wasn’t quite sitting right with me. “Are you okay?” I asked, breaking off the kiss.

“Never better, why?”

I shook my head after a moment, content to brush it off. I was probably just making up things again. “No reason. Want to go back to the party? I don’t even know what I dragged you away from.”

“It was nothing important.”

“Well, I’m going back.” I gathered up my clothes and started dressing, but Tamlin didn’t move from the bed as his eyes dragged over me in a lazy fog. “You coming?”

He wiggled his eyebrows at me teasingly. “I already did, Feyre.”

“You’re gross,” I said not unfriendly, throwing his shirt at him and making to leave the room, but not until I’d had one more kiss and a whispered goodbye because without Tamlin joining me downstairs, the party no longer seemed so appetizing. I’d gotten what I’d come for.

Ahem, come.

Okay, I could be pretty gross too when I wanted to be.

Lucien was nowhere in sight when I made it back downstairs, but I had the distinct feeling someone somewhere in the crowd was watching me, noticing my sudden presence. The music was loud and pumped the start of a dull headache behind my eyes that reminded me tonight was not exactly my best night.

I didn’t mean to end up in the kitchen. But somehow, that’s where my feet carried me. I turned the sink on and ran some water over the first clean hand towel I could find and gently rubbed it against my skin. It felt cool and refreshing, but I still felt sick.

A few years ago, my sisters might have been at a party just like this. We could have gone together if there hadn’t been such an age gap between us. I wondered what they would have done tonight when the yelling started. Would Elain have popped her headphones in to pretend it wasn’t happening? Would Nesta have joined in the fray, always content to share her strong opinions?

Would either of them have bolted from the house the second mom left?

A dense thud sounded on my left. Some jock I didn’t know had set down a huge ice chest full of fresh beer bottles and ice before cracking one open for himself and strutting back outside with a whoop at his friends.

Drinking. Beer. Right. I could do that if I wanted to. I didn’t have to be like my dad just to try one.

I grabbed a bottle and realized I didn’t have anything to open it with. So I pressed it underneath the countertop the way people did in TV shows and movies and pulled to no success.

“Heh, thank you for finding that for me,” a low male voice said coming up behind me and snagging the bottle from my hand. “I’ve been looking for a Sam Adams for a while now.”

I spun around and came face to face with a tall, slender guy with dark inky hair and a wicked teasing smirk fixed on me. His eyes were so blue, they were nearly violet. I had the sense that I’d seen him before, undoubtedly at school, but I couldn’t pinpoint how I might know him. He was something kind of handsome, I thought.

And he had my drink.

“Excuse you,” I said snatching back my bottle. “That one was mine. Go get your own,” and I pointed at the ice chest. “It shouldn’t be hard.”

“No harder than watching you pretend to know what you’re doing with that.” He took the bottle back and fished a ring of keys from his pocket. The clip had a bottle opener on the end, but he didn’t use it. He seemed to be taunting me rather.

I glared at him. “Well are you gonna help me or not?”

With a smug look I was starting to get sick of, he cracked the bottle open and handed it to me. “Of course. Why do you think I came over here? I’m all for helping ladies in distress.”

“I am not a lady in distress and you’re a stupid prick.”

“A prick with a name - Rhysand.”

“Pri-ick.”

Rhysand. That name was familiar. I searched my mental catalogue of classes and couldn’t find him in a single one, which meant I had to know him from some kind of extracurricular, but other than art, I didn’t participate in those if I could help it.

Rhysand worked into another smile, probably thinking I was getting caught up in his bold attempt at flirting. But this smile was a little more charming than when he’d first walked up and suddenly I knew where I’d known him from.

“You’re the senior class president,” I said and was pleased when his smile faltered a tad.

“What of it?”

I shrugged carelessly. “Just didn’t imagine Mr. High and Mighty himself would grace us with his presence at a party like this. That’s all.”

“Well I would hate to deprive the masses of this beautiful face. Your reaction alone was worth the night.”

Against my better judgment, I flushed with heat. I hadn’t been that easy to read, had I? I’d only thought he was rather handsome, nothing over the top even if the more I looked at him the more I found I liked. Especially in those clothes. He wasn’t dressed like the rest of us who wore ripped jeans and school sweaters. No, Rhysand wore a dress shirt in dark purple and pressed khaki pants. Even his shoes were dressy and he’d definitely polished them up before coming.

Rhysand suddenly chuckled. I hadn’t replied to him and I gathered from his laugh that the silence was beginning to stretch on. He was toying with me, nothing more. Egging me on to see how much I’d overthink things and indeed, he’d been right.

“Are you going to drink that?” he asked, pointing at the still untouched bottle in my hand.

“You’re doing it again - that thing where you’re a massive prick for no reason.”

“Call me whatever you like. So long as you still look at me like you just did.”

I scowled and almost lifted the bottle to my lips on instinct just to fill the space so I didn’t have to answer him, but stopped short as the scent filled my nostrils. It was heavy and nauseating. “That’s kind of creepy, actually. Do you know that? Has anyone ever told you that you’re really creepy?”

He scowled, but this time he didn’t come back at me with another flirtation. Good.

“And what exactly has got you so fired up this fine evening, hmm?”

A million answers came swimming to mind, each one less savory than the one before it. My sisters. My parents. The fight. Mom leaving. Heck, even Tamlin hadn’t been quite as fulfilling a distraction as I’d hoped for. Suddenly, I didn’t feel so much like standing here arguing or flirting or whatever the hell this was supposed to be even if the boy leaning against the counter next to me was kind of cute.

As if he could sense my unease, Rhys took the bottle out of my hand and set it down. He placed his hand tentatively on my shoulder and though it was such a soft touch and far less a connection than what I’d had with Tamlin a few minutes ago, it somehow felt much more comforting. “Are you okay?”

Rhysand stared at me with those eyes that up close I could tell really were a deep kind of violet. They pierced me and I couldn’t stand it anymore: the beer, Tamlin, the party, Rhysand. What was I doing here?

“I’m fine,” I said shrugging him off and storming from the room. I made it outside and fumbled in my purse for my keys before taking off down the driveway. But a moment later, Rhysand had caught up to me.

“Hey!” he shouted and then again until I finally stopped so he could catch up. “I’m sorry for being intrusive. You just looked, well, I just wanted to make sure you’re alright.”

He shoved his hands in his pockets when he was done and I thought he sounded sincere.

“Just go away, okay? I’m fine. I’m going home.” I turned away, but Rhysand pestered on.

“Can you drive?”

“Yes, I can drive!” I’d stopped to shout it at him. “I may not be able to open a beer bottle as eloquently as the gods among us mere mortals,” and I waved dramatically in his direction, earning a small snort, “but I’m pretty sure I can operate a vehicle just fine. It’s how I got here in the first place.”

Rhysand nodded, giving me a contemplative look. “Pull out your phone.”

“What?”

“Please?”

“I didn’t think you were capable of begging,” I said, but I did begin searching for my phone.

“Oh I’ve been told I’m very good at begging for it, among other things.” By the time I realized the comment wasn’t quite so much a harassment at me as it was at himself, Rhysand was already laughing it off and I thought the sound was oddly pleasant. He looked nice when he laughed like that, rich and full and less intense. “Unlock it and add this number to your contacts.”

I did as he said and added the number he rattled off. I had no doubt it was his own.

“I suppose you want me to text you when I get home so that you know I’m safe? If you think you’re getting my number out of this, that’s absurd on a number of levels because I have a boyfriend and I’m certainly not giving you-”

“I don’t want your number,” he said, taking his hands out of his pockets finally and holding them up like he could slow me down. “I just want you to have a way out if you get stuck on the way home.”

“What?” My stomach dropped. Rhysand stepped closer to me, took my phone, and locked it shut before dropping it back into my purse for me. His eyes again met me with that piercing stare, the one that said he was really looking into me as opposed to at me. Like I wasn’t just an object to walk around, but someone to talk to and understand.

“I know you have a boyfriend. I saw you go up the stairs with him. But you were a little… shall we say intense in the kitchen? And I don’t know if that beer was intended to be your first or your twentieth.”

“I’m not drunk.”

“Maybe not on beer, but…”

There it was again. That odd sensation that he was reading me.

“Just go home and if anything happens on the way home, you can call me and I’ll help you, okay? And if not, you can delete my number while you lay on your bed thinking about the gorgeous, mysterious gentlemen who entranced you with his wit and charm at the party.”

“Oi,” I said, stepping back from him in a quick jerk and bustling down the driveway. “You’re a stupid prick, you know that!”

“A stupid prick who’s telephone number currently resides in your phone!”

I turned around so I could see him, but kept walking backwards down the drive. “You don’t even know my name!”

“Don’t need to.”

He gave me one last smile and then I was out of view, too far away to keep my eyes on him.

Feyre. My name is Feyre.

I drove home going over and over our conversation. Every little word had felt like a game, but I couldn’t tell which one we were playing exactly. Rhysand had circled between flirtation and seriousness the way water danced on a stream - it was rocky at times, but effortless for him regardless.

And his eyes. I couldn’t stop thinking about his eyes. The way he’d looked at me like he’d known the kind of night I was having even though he didn’t know me from Adam.

It wasn’t until I’d laid down on my bed and taken my phone out to stare at it a little bit that I realized I hadn’t thought about the night I’d been having since talking to Rhysand. Even when I came home and mercifully found the lights off and only a few sips stolen from the bottle of whiskey on the kitchen counter, I didn’t think about my dad or the fight with mom. Dad was always more of a morose, depressed drinker anyway. No reason to fear a destroyed house.

I unlocked my phone and scrolled to his number, intending to text him before I thought better of it. Nah, that was probably what the stupid prick wanted. Just my number. I was just some chick he thought was mildly cute that he could work into sleeping with, so he bantered and smirked his way into my phone hoping I’d give him something to bite.

I know you have a boyfriend. I saw you go up the stairs with him.

I clicked my phone off annoyed at the audacity of his comment and then remembered I had meant to delete his number from my phone. I stifled a yawn. It was late. I could delete the number in the morning. Funny how something as simple as unlocking a phone could make you feel so lazy in the middle of the night, but there I was.

When I finally fell asleep, I tried to imagine the bright green flecked with gold of Tamlin’s eyes as we’d slept together in Lucien’s guest room.

But it was a struggle to remember the moment and in the end, everything kept turning up violet.

Feyre. My name is Feyre.

AN: I live in Southern California where this fic takes place. When I started my freshmen year of high school, there really were just over four thousand students enrolled and the senior graduating class was about Feyre’s size - 1.1K. So that’s why her school is huge. It’s what I had to deal with and it made for a good excuse why she and Rhys wouldn’t already know each other. Easy to get lost with 3,999 other kids running around.

Comments welcome!

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practicalhelp · 8 years ago

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THE BORING STUFF

It’s been a helluva couple of weeks and it’s reminded me that there are soo many irritating things involved in keeping yourself afloat in the midst of a flare up. I’m actually not even sure where to begin but it seems logical to list the issues that have come up for me recently as I know that unfortunately, they will come up for everyone who suffers with a chronic condition at some point. In the past few weeks I’ve started a new job, had my first pain clinic appointment, had a day treatment at the hospital (requiring sedation and day or two of recovery), had my period (awful), had a number of GP appointments, sent off a claim for DSA (disabled students allowance), applied for an extension on a uni deadline (due to hospital/period/illness/work) and attempted to keep up with all missed lectures and tutorials due to work and sickness whilst trying to keep myself fed, watered and relatively sane. And if that doesn’t seem like a lot, imagine doing all those things while feeling like you’re dragging a led weight behind you everywhere you go, having a hazy memory and slow reactions due to heavy duty pain meds as well as the extreme fatigue and low mood that endo flare ups bring. Not to mention my fun new symptom.. completely numb legs and horrible joint pain?! What is that about. Ultimately having a chronic illness (or two, or three!) feels like a part time job. There is so much planning involved, so many forms, calculating the best dates to do things so that you don’t let people down and the financial stress of working out how much medication and hospital trips are going to cost you. I don’t know if people realise quite how much work has to go into these things before you can allow yourself to relax and heal. I’m so so lucky that I have a network of extremely supportive and helpful people at my fingertips, who overwhelm me with their kindness and understanding, but I’m sure many of you are familiar with not wanting to feel like a burden on them and trying to do everything yourself. It gets overwhelming. The past few weeks, I was overwhelmed. I feel quite positive at the moment having come back from my treatment last week with news that there doesn’t appear to be endo on my bowel and that the extreme pain is just (another) unfortunate side effect of the condition. It sounds strange to be positive about that, but it means going ahead with trying some different pain relief targetted more to IBS symptoms rather than surgery (for now) so it feels like a small victory and I think it’s important to treat it like one. BUT the general chaos has caught up with me and I know I’m trying to cram too much in at the moment. Although they’re all positive things that will improve life in the long run, the combination of them is exhausting and finally, this weekend, I have a couple of days to regroup and readjust. I try really hard to handle things practically and as efficiently as possible these days, rather than let my worries build up and feel like something unmanageable. This is a lot easier said than done and luckily I’m in quite a stable and positive mental state at the moment which helps HUGELY in the organising of my day to day routine. For me, it helps to divide my life into five sections: uni, work, money, health and social life. Instead of feeling completely overwhelmed by a swirling mass of problems, I’ll think about how I can improve each of them in small ways and it feels a lot less daunting. I often feel like as one gets worse, so does another. What happened this past couple of weeks goes like this: work was busy and stressful, so uni work suffered. I was feeling tired and ill so was spending money on unnecessary things to perk myself up as well as more expensive food because I had no time to food shop. I got my period which along with being mega painful, turned into a vicious coldy run down bug which dragged on for longer than it should have because I wasn’t letting myself rest. And the idea of a social life at this point is laughable, although going for a drink on Monday night in an attempt to be a regular carefree young person resulted in me throwing up all of Tuesday because my body likes to punish me for trying to be normal. And why the throwing up? Probably because I’m out of my stomach meds and had no time to get them as well as the fact that I’ve started a new contraceptive pill which has historically given me an upset belly for the first couple of months. Constant, niggling, little problems that add up total stressy meltdown if not monitored. Incredibly boring explanations aside, I guarantee that if you separate your life into sections right now and try to think up easy solutions to the problems in each you might feel a bit less overwhelmed. If you’re thinking that this method seems familiar - you got me. It’s typically used in CBT sessions for anxiety and quite honestly it’s the only useful technique I ever got out those sessions. I’m thinking I’m gonna do a post on each of these five topics separately because I have been blessed with two solid days off and also - there’s a lot of shit to get through. For now let’s talk about moneeeeys and how to not lose it all on paying for meds! Essentially, financial help means a million forms that can be difficult to fill in. As I’m a student I can claim for DSA (Disabled Students Allowance) which is relatively straight forward. If you’re in education and suffer from endometriosis or any long term health condition (including a mental health condition) it’s definitely worth getting in touch with the Disability team at your college/university. I initially felt as if I wasn’t ‘ill’ enough to be entitled to help from them but a quick chat with them let me know that they would help me in any way they could. Sometimes you get so used to the complications and negative aspects of managing illness that you forgetting they’re even happening to you, and it’s useful to make a third party aware of that they can remind that you that you do need extra support. I’m also applying for financial help with prescriptions and travel costs through the NHS, using an HC1 form, Again, this is a super long, boring form to fill out and because I now have a part time job I’m not sure what I’ll be entitled to. But it really is all worth doing and you never know what you might gain from it. Head to the NHS website and you’ll find a form for almost every situation that is usually worth having a skim through. You can also go to a local pharmacy and ask if they carry any of these forms or even if they have a moment to speak to you about getting financial help with prescriptions and hospital visits. The same can be said for your GP and they’re usually very willing to help. Aside from HC1 (and HC2) forms, there are Prescription prepayment certificates which allow you pay for prescriptions in 3-month or 12-month blocks which ultimately saves you money and mean you pay no more than £2 a week for the meds. Obviously, this is dependent on how many prescriptions you’re currently on, and this is something I need to speak to my GP about because I am confused and maths is not my strong point. There’s also a page specifically for students on a low income here. On that note, a lot of the financial stuff is difficult to get your head around and it might be helpful to ask a friend/colleague/medical professional to help you understand it, especially if you’re pain and have a lot on your plate already. The theme that will run through these posts is this: don’t be afraid to ask for what you need. Even if it feels difficult or awkward at first, it will get easier as soon as you realise how much it will benefit you and how willing people are to help. If you buy any over the counter medication AT all, always ask your GP if it is cheaper on prescription because it often will be. This goes for any pain you may have, even if it isn’t necessarily related to your condition. For example, I would pay a fortune for fancy herbal IBS remedies and peppermint oil capsules and god knows what else when there is usually a very similar product available in bulk from the GP (i.e. mebeverine/colofac). This was also the case with the antihistamines I was taking and can even go as far as medicines you buy and don’t think about like antacids and vitamins. It’s always worth explaining your situation to your doctor and seeing if there is a more cost effective option. The same rule applies when you are buying over the counter, for example when you don’t have time to get a prescription or when what you need can’t be prescribed (like my beloved heat patches waaahh). The pharmacy will have branded products and then they’ll have other options with IDENTICAL ingredients for a fraction of the price. Ask the pharmacist for the cheapest possible option as long as it has the same desired effects and basic ingredients. Don’t buy health stuff from Poundland though because in my experience you will get a rash (and use their heat pads with extreme caution - they’re lethal). LASTLY, sounds like an obvious one but it’s where I often let myself down health wise - know what to eat to make you feel good and always have a lot of it in the house! Ultimately you never know when you’ll be struck down by your temperamental illness and it’s best to be prepared and not fall into bad habits (like constantly ordering pizza even tho it is godly and delicious). My advice is to online grocery shop (Asda is a great option with only £20 min delivery) and stock up on cheap, healthy food whilst monitoring what you spend. My latest trick is to always have excellent smoothie ingredients in so that if I’m mega busy and feeling run down I can make super nutritious, filling, vitaminy, tasty, drinkable meals. Vitaminy is a word, I’ve decided. Have a gander at Holland and Barrett’s website as they always have mega good deals on vitamins and smoothie mixes to keep your immune system in a good state! But also don’t replace meals with smoothies because that’s mad. Also eat non liquid food plz. Next post will beeeee… how to stay sane when your employer doesn’t give a fuck that you’re in debilitating pain! Or more eloquently put: knowing your rights in the workplace as someone with a disability. Hope this made some vague sense and feel free to message me with questions!

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kpdaydreamingabout · 8 years ago

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Japan

4 April 2017

For a guy my age, I’ve seen a lot of the world already. Different climates, terrains, animals, people, cultures, colors, perspectives; I soak it all in and take bits and pieces back with me.

I had the opportunity to choose where my friends and I would travel to next. Instead of choosing Australia and South America (the two remaining continents outside of Antarctica I have yet to touch), I chose Japan, one because the tickets were dirt cheap, and two because the last time I went, I had a life-changing experience, and I wanted my friends (Bruce, Cam, and Jimmy) to have that opportunity as well.

The first city we visited was Shibuya, the city known in the US as the setting for Tokyo Drift. Shibuya is truly awe-inspiring, with a culture and beauty that leaves you speechless. Like NYC and Las Vegas, Shibuya is a city that literally never sleeps. As a reference, I stayed at a bar that remained packed until 5 in the morning! And the lights….don’t even get me started on the lights. They are the lifeblood that keeps this city humming. My personal favorite activity in Shibuya is people watching at night (sounds simple, I know). Climbing a ten-plus story building to the top and peering down at the hordes of pedestrians below, going about their everyday lives under the bright lights. There is a feeling of peace that the view provides. Very few activities in this world that can match the bird’s eye view of Shibuya.

If you know me, when it comes to Japanese food, you know that I love yakitori (I would eat skewers everyday if I could), while maintaining a weird relationship with ramen in San Diego (in the States, I can count on my hand how many ramen bowls were worth the price, and I have had A LOT of ramen bowls). Where the yakitori in San Diego is amazing, it is on another level in Japan. It was so good that we made it a mission everyday to find yakitori joints around Japan. And Oh my god, the ramen. I’ll say this; the WORST ramen I’ve had in Japan would match, if not exceed the taste of the BEST ramen I’ve had in the States (and that is because they used a style that is common in the States). That is not an exaggeration. We visited one of the most well known ramen shops in Japan, and it was literally Heaven in my mouth. It was so good that I had two bowls in the span of an hour for breakfast.

The next destination after Shibuya was Osaka, my third favorite city in the world after my hometown San Diego and Dubai. The nightlife is insane, I’ll just start there. Where Shibuya is a place where the popular thing to do is find a restaurant and babysit beers with your friends after a long day of work, Osaka was a place known for letting loose and drinking for hours after work.

One of the first places we happened upon on our first night was a place called Milk Bar. The owner/bartender has shelves of vinyls all over the bar, and plays said vinyls of rock music from the 60s to the 80s all night long. I really liked the vibe, and felt it was a great way to kick off our first night. It was also the first time that I really went out and drank with Bruce, Cam, and Jimmy, so it was a hilariously fun time wandering the streets of Osaka drunk with them (Bruce and Cam usually black out at their parties, Jimmy usually smokes).

The second night after spending a day trying new foods and treating ourselves to massages, we found a nice food court(?) where locals come to have beers and eat finger foods all night. Again, it was a great time drinking with my friends as I got to see a side of them I never really knew about (They’re relative lightweights, but I tricked them into matching me on drinks). So for a solid three hours or so, we chilled and talked over piles of skewers and multiple rounds of beers.

We then decided to go to this place where the whole second floor was made up of at least ten different bars. At one of these bars was where we met a bartender named Kanaan, a Japanese girl whose last night living in Osaka happened to be that very night (she allegedly began drinking four hours prior to our arrival).

She was probably one of the most down people I have ever met. This girl took me completely by surprise.

First of all, I never expected to meet a Japanese girl who was as cute as she was chill (And I mean chill as fuck! The first two words she taught me were “oppai” aka boobs, and “kanpai” which is the equivalent of cheers or DOWN YOUR SHOT BITCH depending on the context). Second, never expected said chill Japanese girl to be able to drink like a sorority girl (I have never seen anyone who can down tequila straight without flinching as much as I saw her do it, AND SHE WAS STILL FUNCTIONAL ENOUGH TO POUR DRINKS). And lastly, I never expected someone who was okay with getting deep with a complete stranger from another country (not a single boring or awkward time with her).

As you can tell, this girl had me sprung like a damn slinky.

Anyways, back to the story. So my friends decided to sneak home, leaving me with a bunch of drunk Japanese people. So, it being her last night and all, I asked Kanaan to show me around after her shift, not expecting her to be down because who in their right mind would hang out with a complete stranger in the middle of the night, right? BUT THE GIRL SAID YES, and I ended up having one of the best nights I have had in awhile.

She introduced me to places in Osaka that only the locals knew about (none of that Trip Advisor or Yelp shit), had the best whiskey I have ever tasted, and bonded with a bunch of random Japanese people (have some new drinking buddies for the next time I go). I walked her home, and despite the fact that my place wasn’t far away, she wanted me to come up.

It was crazy to me, because where did she come from? This girl came out of nowhere and showed me the time of my life.

Waking up next to her the next morning was a strange feeling. I knew and understood that the moment I say goodbye and walk out that door, that that was it. (Poof) I would never see her again.

That’s the beauty of life, though, I guess. Sometimes, whether it be fate or pure coincidence, you come across amazing people whose purpose is to help you re-calibrate and get you back on the road you were meant for, disappearing as fast as they came in. I will never have the chance to create moments with her again, and that’s okay, because the few I was able to have were incredible.

So one long tangent later, a toast to Kanaan, a girl who defied all reasoning and expectations (chugs beer).

Sidebar: so this may not be funny to you, because you had to be there, but that very morning after leaving Kanaan’s house, my friends and I prepared to see the cherry blossoms in Tokyo (the full bloom was expected for the week after we left, but the blossoms were still a sight to behold). I suited up, so I was looking as fresh as a five star sushi restaurant (had to bust out a Japan simile heh heh heh). I was getting double takes from both females and males all day long, just sayin’. Anyways, getting off track as usual. So, we boarded the subway and were making our way to the outskirts of Tokyo, our next destination. There were these two girls in our car that would not stop checking us out! Like literally, they were staring as if they were peering into our very souls. (And I am pretty sure they were staying longer on that train than they intended to, because our commute was a solid 40 minutes). So, as they were eye-fucking us, we were texting each other joking about what they were planning on doing to us once we got off the train (I know it’s a little fucked up, but I am dying while typing this by the way. One of the girls will forever be known as the Amish Snape). Again, i don’t expect you to find this funny because you weren’t there, but the memory will always be funny to me. End sidebar.

So our next destination after that was Kyoto which, don’t get me wrong, is a beautiful city with plenty of history laced within its roots, but we weren’t in that “let’s take pictures of touristy shit” kind of vibe (what makes it worse is that we knew that Kyoto would be a boring destination WEEKS in advance, but still decided to go because we booked an AirBNB there). We really wasted a day here as all we did was take a hike up a mountain shrine, ate, and then went home to take a nap that in turn morphed into a 10 hour sleep (granted the room we had was great with three separate beds).

So we returned to the outskirts of Tokyo, namely to buy gifts and see the Sky Tower (the largest tower in the world), before getting bored and ultimately deciding to return to Shibuya to explore further (It took literally a week, but we were finally able to get karaage chicken and Steins from a very exclusive restaurant, and oh my goodness was it worth it). We packed shopping, drinking (we literally drank at least twice a day), and finding new spots to eat all into that last full day.

The very next morning, I woke up really early and decided to take a stroll to soak it all in before leaving. I happened upon an empty park that was full of cherry blossom trees (the parks were usually packed with picnic goers during the cherry blossom season, so this was an anomaly and a blessing). I was extra thankful for that, because I was allowed time to meditate by myself, feeling the energy of the nature around me.

Anyways, I’m sure I’m forgetting some moments from the trip, but that’s all the word vomit I could come up with at the moment. And, as has been the case with my blog logs in recent weeks, my ass is not going to edit this shit, BECAUSE I AM TIRED AS FUCK! In summary, we ate a lot, drank a lot, and truly had a great time. The highlights for me are obvious (cough Kanaan, cough food). I plan on coming back by next year for sure.

I bid you adieu Tumblr. Let’s make this year’s birthday month legendary, yeah?

KP.

#thoughts

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