#my melachony must be so entertaining to you

[beajmurphy2004]

Despise and Dispose

I became spoilt

Because people look at me with love

And their eyes light up

Because they delight in me

And they can make an infinite list

Of all they love about me

And they could write volumes and volumes of books

About all that they enjoy in me

That they give a prayer of thanks

Every day

For how I was put together

They see my flaws and love me despite

And delight in me because of

That I almost forgot

What it felt like

To have you always point out

That you despise everything about me

And that I am put together all wrong

And that you thought you deserved a better daughter

Than the one God gave you

And that you can’t love me because I am flawed.

I cannot trust you with the secrets

Of my heart

If you cannot look at me

And see anything other than what is wrong

And I am a child all over again

Hating everything about myself

Wishing that I would die at 9 years old.

All the progress I thought I made

Is for naught

The moment I delight in something

And all you wish to do

Is discourage

Because I am all wrong

Which you will deny when you read this

So this whole poem is pointless.

Because you will never read it.

Because you don’t truly care about what I do

Unless it benefits you.

[beajmurphy2004]

Feelings always get in the way

I wonder if it would have been different

If I had never told you

You pushed me

And I folded

What if I had been stronger

Would you still love me?

Could I live in that ignorance

Knowing now how you truly feel

And still convince myself

That it is something else

I hate myself

For telling you

Not because of how I feel now

But because I’m losing you