#my man Owen never fails to give me reasons to live this show more than I already do

[elibethquin]

Also for anyone wondering where the heck the storyboards came from

They spawned out of thin air man

[missjaystone]

Familiar Faces

Summary: Sam sets out to find his soulmate after his dream life wound up being just that, a dream. He just wants to find his happy ever after. Word Count: 3,930 Pairing(s): Sam Wilson x Reader Warnings: Death (mentioned), Smut, Rough(ish) sex

(This is the sequel to ‘Old Faces’, please read that one first)

Sam didn't tell anyone what happened in his dream if you could call it that; now that he was awake and knew none of that ever happened, it felt like a nightmare or a cruel joke. He dug through old boxes for close to two hours before he found what he was looking for; a box with a handful of pictures from the time he spent with you and Riley before they shipped out. You'd sent the pictures to them not long after they left, he kept them along with the letters you wrote them in a little lockbox. He always kept the key for it on his keychain. He scrambled to look at different letters and pictures for your address, he knew it was on there somewhere.

Half an hour and a dozen groans of frustration and he finally found it! '3197 N 10th St, Washington DC', it was written clear as day and he could recognize your handwriting from a mile away; it was always a little slanted to the side and it was usually smudged in at least three places because your hand always ran across it when you wrote or went back to dot your i's and cross your t's. "FRIDAY, can you look up the owner of 3197 North 10th st in Washington, DC? And their contact information?" He called out to the AI. There was a confirmation sound before it answered in 20 seconds "it's owned by Richard and Owen Johnson." He frowned some "can you look up anyone named y/f/n y/l/n in DC?" Another sound before the AI answered him "there are two thousand four hundred thirteen people with that name." He groaned "how many of them went to the FBI academy in Quantico?" "None," the AI said almost immediately. "Open the search nationwide-no, global, then crosscheck it with anyone who served or actively serves as a special agent with the FBI or any of America's agencies," he ordered, he was getting nervous. His mind started to wander; what if something awful happened to you? The AI's voice broke him out of his thoughts "there is one person in the United States that fits that criteria."

"Where? Where is she?" Sam asked excitedly. "Records indicate she lived in New Haven, Connecticut the past year but a rental application for an apartment in Greenwich Village can be found as well, both dated within the past two weeks." Sam's hopes were quickly rising as he wrote the new address down. "Where's the closest VA office to her apartment?" Sam finally asked after debating. He couldn't just show up on your doorstep out of the blue, but showing up at the VA in the hope you'd go there like any other veteran wouldn't be so weird would it? He'd look the place up online and find a meeting schedule later, now he just wanted to go back to sleep for a bit.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After visiting the VA for two weeks, and no sign of you, Sam was beginning to lose hope and get worried again. Steve encouraged him to go out for a drink with him and Bucky if only to distract him for a night. Bucky all but dragged him with them when Sam said he'd rather not. On the car ride to the bar, Sam figured a couple of drinks wouldn't hurt, what's the worst that could happen. He took a seat at the bar and ordered a beer, looking around the crowded bar curiously. He'd only been there for ten minutes when he decided to get out for some fresh air, slipping away from his friends while they were briefly distracted. He didn't know where it was taking him but he followed the part of his brain that told him to walk down the street. Maybe he followed his mind, hoping the pull would somehow lead to you. He wanted nothing more than to believe that soulmates had a special bond that pulled them together, maybe that's just what he needed to think to stay sane.

He needed to believe all the stories he heard growing up about soulmates being pulled together, about how nothing could keep them apart from one another. He may have denied it initially but he was well past that. No other woman he saw made him feel the way you did; he knew they never could. He started walking past a park but stopped, not giving it a second thought when his mind told him to go in. With it being almost 9 on a weeknight, he wasn't surprised the park was devoid of kids and adults. Then he saw the figure sitting on top of the monkey bars and he smiled to himself.

"Little late to be out isn't it?" He asked when he stopped a couple of feet behind the figure. "Says the man who's also out at this time," was the reply, accompanied by a quiet laugh. "I had a dream you were here, you know," Sam admitted sheepishly. If it wasn't so dark out and he wasn't behind you, you would've seen his blushing face "I mean, not here exactly, I had a dream you were in New York. I've been looking just about everywhere for you." "Work keeps me busy, I've technically lived here for two weeks but I've only spent about three days in town," you answered. "Understandable," he said with a quiet, nervous laugh. A silence filled the space around you both. Sam knew what he wanted to say, what he needed to say. He sighed quietly and bit his lip "I'm sorry I disappeared on you after we lost him. You needed someone to lean on and it should have been me. I shouldn't have let my own emotions consume me and leave you in the dust," he finally said.

"You have nothing to be sorry for, Sam, losing him was as huge for you as it was for me. I was never mad at you; your feelings were your own and you did what was best for yourself. I can't be mad at you for taking care of yourself," you told him, finally looking over at him. He started to argue but you knew what he'd say "I mean it, Sam. I don't ever want you to feel bad for taking care of yourself. You knew what you needed, I knew what I needed and that's that." "I thought you blamed me for his death though, I should've-" he started to argue. You shushed him "people always want to find someone to blame when things go wrong, even if that person is themselves, it's supposed to make it easier to accept I think, because if someone is to blame, then a bad thing didn't just happen, it had a reason behind it. There's nothing you could have done to save him, you were both doing your jobs. I know you think it's your fault but it isn't, Sam, and I never thought otherwise."

Sam smiled, he felt like a weight he didn't even know he carried had been lifted. He'd heard it before but it only ever took away part of the blame he felt. Hearing it from you made it feel true, you saying it made him believe it. He felt like he could breathe again. "You know, I didn't want you to be my soulmate," he said, eyes widening immediately in embarrassment. That's not how he wanted it to come out. "Ouch," you mumbled but held back a laugh. You'd seen him nervous before, it was usually a little entertaining. "I mean I did! Don't get me wrong, god I wanted it but I always worried I'd be too old for you, you know. I didn't want you to get stuck with someone old enough to be your young dad, I thought maybe you'd be able to find someone closer to your age, someone who wasn't friends with the guy who basically raised you," he rambled quickly.

You rolled your eyes and let out a laugh before leaning over the edge of the monkey bars until you were hanging upside down, face to face with him "why would I do that? I didn't have a bond with anyone else the way I did with you. Age be damned, I was an adult when we met, and I was and am more than capable of making my own choices." "Maybe I was just too scared of being rejected then. Do you know how much it's supposed to hurt when your soulmate rejects you?" He asked with a small hum, his hand gently coming up to cup your cheek.

"Oh please, who in their right mind could reject you?" You asked and flashed a small smirk. "God you're a pain," he said jokingly before stepping forward and planting his lips on yours in a gentle kiss. It had a passionate, longing feel to it, like it was something you'd both been waiting for ages for it. Your hanging upside down made it a little awkward but that didn't deter either of you. You tried to pull him closer, only to struggle; you lightly shoved his chest when he laughed. "So, I'm not getting rejected right?" Was the first thing he said when your lips separated. His tone was joking but even in the dark, you could see the nervous look on his face. "I'd never reject you, Sam; I love you," you told him, looking directly into his eyes so he knew you meant it.

He beamed a bright grin, rubbing his thumb over your cheekbone softly "I love you too, I wish it hadn't taken so long for this to happen, for us to finally end up together." "Me too, Sam," you were grinning from ear to ear as you looked at him. "Can I take you out to dinner tomorrow?" He asked happily. "I'd like that a lot, maybe you can tell me what you've been up to and why two men are staring at us," you stated with a grin. When he gave you a confused look, you nodded past him where two men were stood at the park's entrance, trying (and failing) to look nonchalant and acting like they weren't trying to eavesdrop. "Shoo!" Sam yelled when he looked back at them. He let out an exasperated sigh and an embarrassed chuckle "just a guy who ripped my steering wheel out of my car while I was in it and another guy who likes to show off by frequently running past me. Don't worry, they're just lonely old men, I promise they won't always be around to watch like that." You laughed and grinned "well I can't wait to hear those stories."

When the blood rushing to your head became too much, you finally got off the monkey bars and stretched. You didn't hesitate to kiss him, this time wrapping your arms around him. His own arms were around your waist in an instant, drawing you close until you were flush against his chest. This one was sweeter than before, it was calm and comforting. "How about we go grab a bite to eat right now? There's a pretty good burger place open until midnight a block and a half away," he offered. "Then what're we still doing standing here?" You asked sarcastically, a teasing smile on your face as you took his hand in yours and laced your fingers together. "That's my girl," he laughed to himself and begin walking with you. "By the way, was that Captain America watching us?" You asked after walking in comfortable silence for a couple of minutes. "Yup, unfortunately," Sam chuckled. "So you're either a superhero or some kind of terrorist now?" You teased. "Yeah, but if I tell which one I'd have to kill you," he said with a playful nudge to your side. "Right," you said sarcastically, both of you immediately bursting into laughter. Life felt right. You felt happy for the first time since your godfather's death.

The walk was quick and since it was almost 9:30 at night, almost nobody else was there so you got your food quickly. "So, we're fighting this guy in an airport, and I swear I don't think he's ever been in a fight before because he is so damn talkative. I mean it, he won't shut up. Anyway, he shoots this white substance at us, which in and of itself is unsettling and we're stuck on the ground. He's still talking and it's like a villain's monologue except it wasn't terrifying, it was annoying. I call in Redwing and he just launches this guy out the window and then Bucky says 'you couldn't have done that sooner' and I so badly wanted to smack him or at the very least send him flying through a window," Sam explains, rolling his eyes dramatically while you laughed, having to put down your burger so you didn't take a bite and choke. "And Bucky's the one who ripped your steering wheel out, right?" You asked, just to be sure. "Yup and every day with that dumbass is a test," Sam laughed and grinned. "Well, it's a good thing you have experience with dumbasses, huh?" You asked jokingly. "You know I do, baby."

You and Sam actually wound up staying at the place until they closed at midnight. Once you left, you two just began walking around, savoring each other's company and getting close again. "You wanna go back to my place? It's not that far from here," you offered with a smile. "Really? I thought you lived in Greenwich, I saw the apartment application online," he admitted before coughing and clearing his throat; he really didn't want to mention how much information he looked up online. "I applied to it but found a place here in Manhattan I liked better," you'd question him later about that little tidbit of information he had.

True to your word, the walk to your home was only fifteen minutes tops. "Sorry about all the boxes everywhere, I'm still unpacking everything," you apologized with a sheepish smile as you closed the front door behind you. "I've seen worse, baby, don't worry about it," he said with a casual shrug and a smile. Another silence fell upon you as you looked at each other. Even being together, there was still a pull and you both felt it. He gently pulled you to him and kissed you. This time, the kiss was desperate and hungry, consuming both of you. He held you by your hips, keeping you as close as physically possible. Your arm wrapped around his neck while your free hand cupped his cheeks as the kiss became more heated. It was like you suddenly couldn't get enough of each other.

When Sam finally broke away from the kiss, a small groan leaving his lips as he looked down at you with lust-darkened eyes "where's your bedroom?" "Down the hall, last door on the left," you mumbled, already dragging him down the hallway as you spoke. You'd taken two steps into the room when he picked you up and semi-gracefully tossed you onto the bed. He quickly moved to cover your body with his, caging you beneath him as he attacked your neck with kisses and a few soft bites. There was an urgency in both of your movements as you each hurried to undress the other while trying to keep as little space as possible between your bodies.

Soon, clothes were strewn across the bedroom; your bra was thrown over the lamp on your bedside table, his boxes landed in front of your dresser with his pants not far away. His fingers delved deep into your core and moved slowly, the little moans and gasps of pleasure spurring him on. The way his fingers repeatedly grazed over those spots you had trouble reaching even with your best toys had you melting underneath him. He watched with a proud, adoring smirk as he brought you right up to the edge before stopping and pulling his fingers out. He chuckled when you groaned in frustration, looking up at him pleadingly "Sam!"

"Hm?" He asked, a small teasing smirk on his face as he slowly licked them clean. You narrowed your eyes for a second before returning a teasing smirk of your own "either fuck me yourself or I'll use one of my toys while you sit in a corner." Sam tried to hide the way his eyes widened briefly "you wouldn't dare." You nodded with a smug smile on your face "well, my friend got me a new thrusting vibrator as a joke gift and I haven't had time to use it yet." You looked at each other in a silent staring contest, daring the other to do something. "God damn it, I can't tell if you're bluffing," he mumbled before crashing his lips to yours in a fervorous kiss which you were more than happy to return.

Sam haphazardly wrapped your legs around his waist and after impatiently lining his member at your entrance, he slowly thrust into you. You both let out groans of pleasure, your head falling back onto the pillow while he buried his face in the crook of your neck. He started dragging his hips slowly, just savoring the feeling of being with you in a way so intimate he thought he'd only dream it. Once he got more comfortable, he set a slow pace, savoring the feeling of each slow drag of his hips. Your soft moans were music to his ears, and knowing that he was the cause made his heart swell. "I love you so much," your voice was soft and breathy, he could tell you were right there with him on cloud 9. You looked so peaceful as he slowly fucked into you and if he could take a picture, he'd do it in a heartbeat. Your eyes closed and lips slightly parted from the pure bliss you felt. If only your eyes were open, you'd have seen the switch that flipped in his mind when you softly moaned his name.

When he got comfortable, he slowly pulled his hips back until the tip was just barely in before slamming back into the hilt, smirking at the loud moan you let out. He moved his hips fast now, making sure to reach the innermost depths of your cunt with each stroke of his cock. "F-fuck, S-sam!" You almost screamed when he started roughly playing with your clit. He smirked down at you, eyes completely dark now as he asked: "yeah, you think a toy can do this? Can a piece of plastic fuck you this way?" He pinched your clit when you took too long to answer him, making your words hitch in your throat, his hips pistoning into you brutally. You quickly shook your head while your nails dug into his shoulders, a quiet 'no' leaving your lips as you shook your head. "Louder, I want everyone to hear it, I wanna hear you tell everyone who fucks you this good," his voice was becoming husky and his thrusts came harder, punctuating every few words.

"You, Sam! No-no toy can fun me like this!" You shouted, body beginning to shake as your orgasm quickly crept closer. "Yeah? Who's girl are you, huh? Don't you dare cum until I say so," He demanded, grabbing your jaw and making you look directly into his eyes. "Yours, Sam! I'm yours!" You choked out, a low whine following your words while a few tears of pure pleasure ran down your cheeks. "Who owns your cunt, baby? Scream his name so all of New York knows and then you can cum all over my dick," he demanded again, squeezing your jaw slightly. His own hips were stuttering as he did everything he could to hold back. "Sam!" You screamed his name like a prayer before being blinded by white-hot pleasure as you came undone beneath him. A strangled groan escaped his throat as he came, his face falling to your chest as his hips rolled slowly. He could hear your heart pounding in your chest before he reluctantly pulled his softening member out of you and collapsed next to you.

He watched your panting form for a few moments before he got up and went to the bathroom. When he returned with a damp rag, he moved the covers away and gently cleaned your combined arousal from between your legs, frowning some at the way your body jolted at his touch. "I didn't hurt you did I?" He asked nervously. You shook your head, sending him a lazy smile "no, no I'm fine, Sam." "Are you sure? Because I know I got a little rough. I have no idea where that came from, I just-when you moaned my name it set something off I guess," he rambled with a nervous frown still on his face. With a quiet groan, you made yourself sit up so you could look at him. You cupped his cheeks and smiled "that was the best sex I've ever had, I'm fine, just a little sore because it's been a while." "How long?" He asked curiously before he could stop himself. You laughed some "three years, like I said work keeps me busy." He smiled and laid down, carefully pulling you with him "that makes both of us, baby."

The way he slowly rubbed your back made you melt in his embrace, sighing happily. He planted a soft kiss to your temple and yawned "I love you so much, (y/n). There's no place I'd rather be in this moment, or ever again." "I love you too, Sam, so damn much," you whispered, eyes falling shut as you snuggled close to him. A comfortable silence filled the room but only for a minute before Sam spoke again "wait, are you on anything?" You shook your head "we'll deal with that in the morning, I don't have the energy right now."

He fell silent but you could feel his eyes on you. When you opened your eyes again to look at him, you couldn't quite read the expression on his face "what?" He bit his lip in thought, debating on whether to say what was on his mind "well, what if we didn't deal with it?" "What?" You asked him, your confusion evident. "I'm just saying, what if we didn't deal with it, y'know. What if we just let whatever happens happen?" He suggested sheepishly, rubbing the back of his neck as he spoke. "Sam, are you suggesting that we-?" You asked, your brain unwilling to find and utter the words. "Look, (y/n), I spent all these years without you and now I feel like I have to make up for lost time. Don't worry, I'll respect if you aren't ready or don't want that. I just want you to know that's where I'm at," he said softly, absentmindedly playing with your fingers.

You'd never given much thought to family life but thinking about it with Sam, having children and raising a family together, it sounded appealing. It suddenly felt like something you couldn't live without. You pecked his lips softly before resting your head back on his chest, closing your eyes "let's just go to sleep and see what happens in the weeks to come." You could hear the fondness in his voice when he spoke "if it's a boy, can we name him Paul after my dad?" "Obviously, now turn the light off and go to sleep," you mumbled tiredly, earning a tired, quiet laugh.

[hotchley]

pallbearer

Not completely sure what this is, but it was sparked by the posts about Kevin being a pallbearer at Haley’s funeral. Saw it in my drafts and decided to finish it because yeah, why not?

It’s Eid somewhere (India and Australia for sure) so take this as a little gift from me to all of you because you’re lovely but I suck at writing fluff, so it’s pretty much just angst and a bit of Reid being a good friend to Hotch because I live in the nice world where they have a good relationship :)

As always, absolutely no proofreading, and it low-key sucks, but nothing else is working so...

Trigger Warnings: references to death, funerals, grief, just general sad things 

read on ao3!

After they get back from the case that took them from the funeral, Reid, who is still using a cane, leaves without telling anyone.

Derek panics because he’s meant to be taking Reid back to his apartment- there’s a lift that functions and it means Reid isn’t being stupid- then Garcia tracks his phone and realises he’s going to see Hotch. They can’t interrupt that, so they don’t.

Why is Reid going there? All alone?

To apologise.

He goes there himself, takes the lift up because he knows his limits and rings the doorbell. Hotch doesn’t answer and he panics, so he rings it again.

When Hotch does open the door, it’s clear he wasn’t expecting any sort of company- least of all his colleagues/family. He still lets Reid in, and he asks him if he’d like anything to eat or drink. Reid declines, because Hotch shouldn’t have to be running around after him. Not now.

They’re sat in silence for a few minutes- they both try and justify it by saying Jack is asleep- but then Reid speaks.

“I’m sorry.”

Hotch seems exhausted by all the apologies- after all, people are only giving them because there’s nothing else they can say- but Reid doesn’t say things lightly. It always means something. And he knows how Reid’s intelligence is always used against him. The team asked him to recite the phone call because they wanted the information, but Spencer would always associate it with a way in which he failed.

So although he hates the way everyone is apologising to him, he won’t tell Spencer to not. Spencer needs to say the words so he feels like the forgiveness Hotch has already given him- the forgiveness he received the moment Hotch saw him come into the office where Jack had been hiding- is deserved. And Hotch needs to hear the words from somebody that is saying them despite knowing everything about the situation.

It takes him a moment to collect his thoughts enough to speak, and even then, the words do not feel adequate.

“You did everything you could Spencer,” is his soft response.

“Not about Haley’s death. Of course I’m sorry, but what I meant was- I’m sorry I couldn’t carry the coffin. You know I would’ve if I could’ve.”

Hotch meets his eyes, and sees his own tears reflected in Spencer’s face. There’s a certain innocence to Spencer’s expression. One that Hotch thought his own failures would have permanently taken away. He should have known better. Spencer is nothing if not resilient. But then he thinks of the situations that forced him to become like that, and he wants to scream into the void because of how unfair the world can be.

He doesn’t though. That would only make the situation worse.

Instead, he sighs. “I know Spencer. I know. But I- even if you could, I wouldn’t have wanted you to.”

Spencer frowns. “Why not? Will, Derek and Anderson were all pallbearers, and I probably knew Haley about as well as them. It would’ve made sense for me to carry Haley’s coffin. You know that. I can see it in your face.”

It would have made sense. It would’ve made much more sense than Kevin Lynch. But Hotch’s words are the honest truth. It wouldn’t have mattered- not to him anyways- whether or not Spencer was able to carry that weight. He wouldn’t have asked. Would have rejected the offer if it was given. Found anyone else to be the final person.

“I know that.”

“So why would you not have asked?”

His reason- the true reason- is one that steers the majority of his decisions regarding Spencer. It is one that clouds his judgment and forces him to confront how human he is, and how the team were the only people (aside from Haley- who had always been perfect) to teach him that love didn’t need to hurt.

That people came back when they were angry.

The words that would explain his actions have been on the tip of his tongue since Gideon left. They almost slipped out after Chester Hardwick. And then Owen Savage. He wanted to say them when Reid almost died at the hands of Benjamin Cyrus, but he had pulled away at the last moment, too afraid of the consequences. He got stupidly close after the anthrax case. 

Something had always held him back. But Haley’s death reminded him of how fleeting life was. Haley died protecting her son, knowing Aaron would make the right decision and raise him to be a good man, but she should never have doubted the love Aaron had for her, and that was his fault. He wasn’t going to repeat that mistake.

“Because parents want to protect their children from all the evil in the world, no matter how unreasonable that may seem,” he blurts out.

Spencer’s brow furrows, and the resemblance to Jack terrifies him so much he almost laughs. He repeats the words to himself, clearly searching for some other meaning behind them. But in that way, Hotch and Reid are similar. They will only rarely say things they don’t mean.

“Oh,” is all Spencer is able to say.

“I’m sorry. It’s not fair of me to tell you that I look at you and see-”

“Can I hug you?” Spencer asks, cutting him off.

Hotch nods, unsure how else to respond. Spencer doesn’t use the cane as he moves onto the other sofa, opting to use the cushions as his support instead. When he’s close enough to reach out and touch Aaron’s hands, he takes them. Hotch cannot look at them, even though Morgan had washed and bandaged them almost immediately, so he stares at the ceiling instead.

Spencer’s touch is gentle and almost not there, but it feels like the safety of a childhood home that he had only ever read about in the books that served as his one escape in that little town that had no mercy for any boy that dared to speak out against their father.

“You’re a good father. To all of your children,” Spencer says.

“I know I’ve failed you. All of you. More times than I could possibly count, even though I remember every single one of them. But I always told myself that the one thing you would never do is carry a coffin that contains the body of someone you loved because of this job. Or because of my failures. It’s the only promise I’ve been able to keep.”

Spencer realises that Hotch is right. Although both him and Morgan had been on the time when Adrian Bale attacked, Hotch had organised the funerals without any input from the two of them, with all the pallbearers being family instead. No agents had died after JJ had joined, but the option of carrying Haley’s coffin hadn’t even existed for Emily.

It saddens Spencer to know that the only way Hotch is able to show how much he loves the team is by shielding them from certain horrors, and to protect them from the aspects of their jobs that cause them to wonder how much longer their hands will go cold when they see crime scenes. It makes him want to rage at the world for taking this man- this good and loving and kind man- and destroying him.

But his anger will terrify Aaron. Everyone’s anger terrifies him, because he always feels responsible. Always feels like it’s his influence, or his actions, or his failures. So he doesn’t say a word, knowing Hotch will appreciate the silence. He also knows that Hotch will understand and accept the silence for what it is: all of the words and emotions he would never be able to put into words, but so desperately needs him to believe.

It’s a haunting image. There is one one man so young he may still be a boy, and he is trying to hold the fragile and broken pieces of a man he had always believed was invincible and able to come back from anything together.

It is also a beautiful image. It proves that every child will eventually learn that their parent is not invincible, and that they get hurt and fail and mess up in the same way every single person does, but that the knowledge will not destroy them. If anything, it will comfort them because they will learn that no human is perfect, but they can still be good.

It will also be a moment ingrained in both their memories forever. Even if Spencer’s wasn’t eidetic, he would remember it. Because Aaron would not be able to keep this promise. The team would carry Emily Prentiss’ empty coffin only nine months later. And Spencer would carry Maeve Donovan’s, despite Aaron’s pleas to let somebody else handle the pain for him. When Spencer turns to him, and says he has to do it because he’s not a child that can be protected from any evil in the world- not when it emerges from the same cracks that should only contain love, they will both flinch.

Because he is right.

Because Aaron failed.

Again.

It’s funny, in a twisted sort of way, that his failures will always be associated with the bitter tang of death.

[wannabemobwife]

Guns, Glamour and Goodfellas - Chapter 4

Chapter 4: You Didn’t Get to Heaven But, You Made it Close

Dad!Mob!Tom x Mom!Mob!Reader

-Pairings: Tom Holland x reader, Rosie Holland x Henry Osterfield

-Warnings: Language, Fighting, possible typos, hospital scenes

-Words: 4.6K

Chapter 4: You Didn’t Get to Heaven But, You Made it Close

Words: 4.6K

The night was a typical one at the Holland household. Earlier that night, Rosie helped you cook dinner, spaghetti and meatballs, a Holland family dinner favorite. Dinner was quiet, Tom had been ignoring Parker for multiple reasons, mainly the ultimatum but also he was still angered by the recklessness of his son the other night.

Only the sound of slight flickering of the chandelier candles, could be heard. It was a deafening silence that consumed them. No one wanting to speak up and risk and argument forming. Dinner ended quicker than it began and everyone excused themselves.

Tom and you sat by the fire in the living room while their kids closed themselves off for the night. Not giving another thought to their kids. Little did they know, Parker had a date that night. And after dinner ceased, planned his escape.

“Tommy, I think it’s about time we turn in,” you said.

“Y/N, I don’t know what we’re going to do.” Tom whispered with a somber voice.

“About what baby?”

“Parker. The threat. Everything,” Tom was beyond stressed at the moment.

“Shh, we’ll figure it out. We always do,” you said rubbing the back of Tom’s head and Tom nodded in response

“Now come on, why don’t I put your mind at ease,” you whispered seductively.

“Are you talking about some good lovin’?” Tom inquired moving his eyebrows up and down.

“You’re such a dork. I was, we’ll see now.”

“Aww don’t be like that, you’re such a tease.” “Oh you love it,” you said. “Yes, I do,” Tom shouted following you up the stairs.

“I think I’m going to take a shower, care to join me?” You exclaimed cheekily.

“Love, you don’t have ask me twice” Tom said. How could you be anymore perfect? The day ended even more perfectly.

After they showered, you both changed into wannabe pajamas, for you, a tank top and some shorts and Tom wore a pair of boxers. They were all set to watch a little TV and hop under the covers when tiredness overcame them, falling asleep in each others arms. Absolutely content with everything in your life, everyone in the family was safe, nothing had come of the note yet.

“I love you, darling,” Tom whispered pressing his lips to your hairline.

You were already fast asleep. How did he get, you, this amazing woman to fall in love with him? The night soon fell into pitch darkness, however Tom’s phone ringing, startling him out of his deep sleep.

“Hello?” Tom answered it with a groggy voice.

“Is this Mr. Holland, father of Parker Holland?” A woman on the other line spoke.

“Yes, this is. Who the fuck is this?” Tom said rather rudely just being woken up.

“Sir, I’m calling from Kingston Memorial Hospital. Your son has been involved in an accident.”

“Fuck, I’m on my way.” Tom muttered as he hung up

“Angel wake up, something is wrong with Parker,” Tom whispered, shaking you awake.

“Tommy, what? What’s wrong?” You muttered as you stirred awake.

“Just get dressed.” Tom said.

Driving like a madman and disregarding all traffic signals, they all eventually arrived at the hospital. Not giving anything else a second thought.

They all piled into the Rolls Royce. Tom drove, for the first time in a long time, always having someone drive him. You sat in the passenger seat, clutching Tom’s hand and hoping to god your baby boy was okay.

You hadn’t even bothered to wear proper clothes, you wore mix-matched shoes, shorts, a tank top and an overcoat to stay warm. Rosie was like her mother, only wearing a hoodie and pajama bottoms. Tom on the other hand was more put together, wearing a regular t-shirt and pants along with the same pair of shoes, unlike, you, his wife.

Barging through the sliding doors, Tom made his presence known.

“Parker Holland, where is he?” Tom screamed as he marched up to the receptionist.

“I’m sorry sir, hold on a moment,” the nurse clad in light blue scrubs said.

“NO! Fuck this. Parker Holland, tell me where the fuck he is before I blow your brains out.” Tom shouted and flashed his pistol.

“Alright Sir, just please put the gun away,” the nurse pleaded.

“He is in room 202,” she concluded.

“Thank you, come on Tommy,” you replied, pulling your husband away.

Everything seemed to move in slow motion, the moment you saw your baby boy lying unconscious in a hospital bed.

“I’m sorry, are you family?” asked the doctor as everyone funneled in the room.

“Yes, we are his parents,” Tom concluded

“I’m his sister,” Rosie spoke up, trying not to be forgotten.

“Good. Parker has a mild concussion, a few broken ribs, and he came in with a ruptured spleen which was taken care of during surgery. The anesthesia should be wearing off any moment now,” the doctor explained.

“Parker? Baby? It’s mommy. Please wake up,” you whispered to your son while petting his head, trying not cry at his busted lip and swollen eye.

“Mr. Holland? Sorry to disturb you but, the police would like to talk with you” a nurse informed Tom. Tom nodded with a blank expression, not letting his eyes stray away from his son.

“Follow me, sir,” the nurse concluded as she led him out of the room.

“Mom, is Parker going to be okay?” Rosie inquired. “I hope so” you responded with a hoarse voice from crying. Rosie wrapped her arms around you, comforting you,

You were so used to you being the one waking up in a hospital bed. At first, dating Tom and eventually marrying him, put a huge target on your back. Never experiencing the crippling fear of losing the one you love most.

Meanwhile, Tom was conversing with the cops who were on the scene. “Sir, your son was a victim to an assault that happened earlier at The Luxe, a nightclub downtown,” explained one of the cops. They stood tall, attempting to act macho but failing. The notorious mobster scared them. The stories, alone, spread on the street was enough to make a grown man soil his pants.

One of them was a man around age 45, looked like he had a pension and drove a hybrid car. Old but tried too hard to be young again. The other was a woman, rather young, possibly new to force. Both of them oblivious to man they were questioning. Unaware of Tom’s business and status. “What? I don’t understand.” Tom was puzzled, he knew his son snuck out, but to a nightclub, why? “It seemed like the moment it was made known that he was a Holland, they let him in,” interjected one of the officers. “Alright, anything else? If you don’t mind I would like to get back to my family.” Tom concluded, bothered by their pestering. “Your son wasn’t alone?” “What?” “There was another body found at the scene. A female about 16 years old, her ID labeled her as Charlotte Owens. She was shot in the abdomen and found dead at the scene,” the officer informed Tom. “Did your son know this woman?” asked the first officer, holding up her driver’s license. “Nope. Never heard of her. I’m sorry to hear about her, wrong place wrong time I guess.” Tom couldn’t tell them the truth, he only needed to protect his family right now and if that meant blatantly lying to the authorities it was worth it. “Your son really had no connection to Ms. Owens?” asked the second policeman.

“Not that I’m aware of.”

“Mr. Holland, when we found your son he was covered in blood, not his own.” “What… are you accusing my son of murder? I’ll have you know I can have both your jobs in an instant,” Tom yelled, astounded at such an accusation.

“Sir, are you threatening us?” said the cops growing defensive. “No. Just making you aware of the situation. Tell Captain Reid I, Tom Holland, says ‘I’ll call him tomorrow, if you guys can’t do your jobs and leave me and my family alone”” Tom knew what he was doing. You don’t get to be the most powerful man in London by not having the police Captain in your pocket.

“We’re sorry sir, it won’t happen again,” the cops said, realizing they might have just made a very powerful enemy.

“I should hope so, if you have anymore questions here’s my business card and I suggest you don’t bother me again,” Tom concluded.

“Yes, sir. Have good rest of your night,” they said but Tom ignored them as he made a call.

“Tom? Do you know what time it is?” Harrison answered after a few rings, probably consumed by deep sleep.

“Haz I’m at the hospital.” Tom spoke with a somber voice.

“What? What happened?” Haz said all panicky. “Parker snuck out and got beaten up. A hit had to be on him. He was with his girlfriend. She didn’t make it.” “Jesus Christ. I’m on my way. Is it Kingston Memorial?” Harrison inquired. “Yes, also bring Henry I have a feeling Parker is going to need some moral support.” “Alright, be there soon mate.”

Parker was coming out of his deep sleep. His body begged for it, desperately needing to heal. He took quite a beating.

“Woah, woah. Where am I?” Parker asked, confused by his surroundings.

“Honey you’re at the hospital, don’t move you’ll hurt yourself.” You exclaimed. Parker soon realized everything that had transpired that night.

“They killed her,” Parker whispered as his eyes went cold. Every moment flashing before his eyes. One minute she was dancing, full of life and the next lying his arms dead.

“What? Who, honey?” You asked just relieved that your son was awake. “Charlotte.” Tom said walking in as you burst into tears at the vocalization of Charlotte’s name.

“What? Parker you need to tell me what happened. I thought you were in your room,” you pestered, only concerned about her son’s well being.

“I snuck out and my girlfriend got killed. What more is there to tell?” Parker said raising his voice and showing off his beloved Tom’s temper.

“I’m sorry. Charlotte just wanted me to be there to celebrate her birthday. I’m so sorry. If it weren’t for me she would still be alive,” Parker explained, tears slipping from his eyes.

“Shh baby, you can explain later. Just get some rest,” you concluded and Parker nodded in response.

“Mom, I’m gonna get some air,” Rosie said, wanting to be sick at the thought of Charlotte’s demise. She walked aimlessly around the hospital, making her way outside by the ambulance entrance.

Her breathing rapidly increased, she was hyperventilating. “Oh my god, oh my god,” she whispered to herself.

Collapsing against the wall, she sunk to the ground and brought her knees to her chest. Parker being the older sibling, knew more of the family business and tried to shield Rosie as much as possible. Not wanting to see her dad littered with blood after a hard day’s work.

“Rosie?” Henry asked with concern, seeing her sitting on the ground with tears streaming down her face.

“Hey, hey, hey. I got you. You’re okay. I got you.” Henry whispered bringing her into his embrace.

“Henry. I’m so glad you’re here.” She said, not letting go.

“Roo, you gotta tell me what happened? My dad wouldn’t say anything.”

“Parker got hurt when he snuck into a nightclub with Charlotte and she—“ Rosie bawled, her voice cracking and not finishing the sentence.

“It’s gonna be okay. Parker is okay right?” Henry asked and Rosie nodded in response. “Charlotte though, she…” Rosie having trouble finding the words. She knew the words but, the moment she said them they became 10 times more real. “Come on, Rosie, spit it out.” Henry said, trying not to alarm her. “She’s dead. She’s dead and I was awful to her.” Rosie stammered. “Oh my god. How?” Henry gasped, trying to wrap his head around the news. “She was shot. I know it’s not my fault but I can’t shake the feeling that I had something to do with it.” “Rosie you can’t think like that. It was an accident,” Henry whispered, comforting the trembling girl beside him. “Hey come here, I got you Roo. You’re safe with me.” Henry whispered pressing a kiss to Rosie’s forehead. She was actually starting to grow fond of the nickname, only when it was Henry who said it.

“I know this is a bad time, but I have to tell you something,” Henry whispered, trying to find the guts to tell this amazingly perfect girl the truth. “Yeah,” Rosie responded, eager for his response. “Rosie, I…” Henry tried to say but was soon interrupted with Rosie’s lips on hers. The kiss was soft yet full of passionate. Their lips melded together like two puzzle pieces. Both their eyes fluttered shut as euphoria consumed them, finally breaking away to breathe.

“I like you a lot, I have for awhile,” Rosie said, shying away from his face.

“Rosie, I really like you too,” he whispered, bringing his hand to caress her cheek.

“Really?” Rosie asked dumbfounded. “Yeah, what’s not to love,” he said and brought her into another chaste kiss. This time lingering longer as his lips brushed against hers. This was everything they both desired.

In the Parker’s hospital room, Tom and Harrison were conversing. Stuff was happening right under Tom’s nose at the estate and he was fed up with it.

“Who do you think it could be?” Haz asked, trying to get to the bottom of this before it blows up. “God knows who, I have countless enemies. Barnes, Roberts, most likely Carson,” Tom said, trying not to alarm, you, his sleeping wife or son. “Alright, I’ll inform the others to be on high alert,” Haz concluded. “We will have a meeting first thing tomorrow morning, I want everyone there.” “Yes, sir.”

“Enough Haz, you don’t need to be formal” Tom chuckled. “I know it just makes you laugh sometimes and you need that right now,” Harrison said, being the comic relief in times of crisis.

“Dad?” Parker whispered, coming out of his deep sleep.

“Sorry, didn’t mean to wake you,” Tom exclaimed. “It’s fine. Can I ask you something” Parker inquired.

“Mmmhm,” Tom acknowledged. “How’d you deal with all those times almost losing mum?” Parker inquired.

“I won’t lie to you, I was a wreck” Tom explained. Seeing his son like this, brought Tom back to the time you were kidnapped and tortured. You two had only been going out for a year at the time and it was a huge turning point in your relationship.

At the time, Tom was in the middle of a turf war with James Graham, another mobster who predated Tom. You and Tom had just moved into together. Everything was smooth sailing up until that point. It was the night of your anniversary, going to the restaurant you went on your first date. You were dressed in a red, Tom’s favorite color not much of a surprise there, satin dress which hugged your figure perfectly. You had made your way to “Casa Nostra,” the little Italian restaurant that was very dear to your heart.

You sat down at your usual table with your usual drink, a gin and tonic, and fell in love with the ambience. Once in a while glancing at your watch, Tom was late. It was puzzling because Tom was everything and of those things was punctual. Tom was currently, stuck at the “office,” swamped with paper work.

“Vincent can you call Y/N? Tell her I’m sorry for being late and I’ll be there in 30 mins,” Tom asked one of his men. “Yes of course boss,” Vincent concluded as the phone suddenly rang.

“Oh, what’d you know, its her right here,” “Thanks Vincent, I got it from here,” Tom said grabbing the phone and dismissing him out of his office.

“I’m so sorry love. I’ll be there in 30 mins tops. Order what every you want to start with, may a suggest a bottle of Dom Pérignon. I promise I’ll be there. I love you,” Tom exclaimed hoping you would understand.

Who was he kidding of course you would understand. You were always so kind and considerate of everyone else’s feelings, he knew you wouldn’t be mad.

“Oh, no worries. I’m fine, just enjoying a few drinks. See you when you get here. I love you too. Remember don’t make promises you can’t keep,” you replied.

Drinking gin and tonic one after the another to pass the time, you had gotten up to make a phone call. 10 mins had past since you entered the establishment and your driver had dropped you off and stayed in the parked car. You made your way to the bathroom. Coming out of the stall having finished and washed your hands. In the reflection of the mirror, stood a tall figure one who looked like he could break your neck with one snap.

A gasp exited your lips as the assailant lunged toward you. Launching towards the bathroom walls, banging you head against the wall and the tile once your body hit the floor. All you heard were muffled screams you assumed belonged to the other patrons of the restaurants. Followed by several gunshots before you fell into complete and utter darkness.

You woke up to mind-numbing pain and throbbing pain to your head, your wrists fasten to a metal chair and wet, thick liquid dripping down the side of your face.

“Glad to see you are awake. Could I get you anything, water maybe?” Graham inquired tauntingly. “Fuck you, Graham. What the fuck am I doing here?” You yelled as you tried to escape your restraints.

James Graham had been a rival of the Hollands for decades. Always craving more power than there was to go around. The Holland’s enjoyed their freedom at the top of the food chain.

They were and are the most dangerous predator out there. When one of the less powerful predators gets a taste for blood, they won’t stop til they have decimated the rest of the population.

“Wow, who knew such a pretty girl like you would have such a mouth on her,” he quipped.

“Tom’s gonna come for me and when he does he will show no mercy,” you said, your voice tainted with hope.

“Oh, I’m counting on it,” he chuckled. “Why me? Why didn’t you just go after him yourself?” “I suggest you shut your fucking trap before I put a bullet through your skull,” He barked, slapping you straight across the face. Leaving a small imprint of his hand. Right before, he yanked your hair back, entangling all your strands in his fingers. All the pain caused tears to fall.

“I guess that seemed to shut you up. Better hope, your man hurries or he is going have to carry your decaying body out of this hell hole,” Graham taunted. “Why are you doing this?” you asked. “Your corpse would make Tom shatter. To get to him, I have kill you. You are his weakness. It will be the end of him, the end of Tom Holland,” he spoke with a tight grip on your jaw, leaving tiny bruises.

“Well, better get started cause one way or another you’ll be dead by sunrise.” He said, delivering a swift punch to your stomach. One after the other.

“I’ve had my fun. Boys, do you want to get a few licks in?” “It would be my pleasure, boss,” his men snickered as they made their way over to you. Alternating who punched and when. “Have your fun, but no guns. Tom needs to see the pain she felt. I’ll be upstairs.” Graham explained while leaving you alone with his men.

Meanwhile, Tom was finally free of work and on his way to enjoy a lovely night with you. A year spent together was really testament. He already felt so guilty for ditching you for 30 mins, he had some ideas of how he would make it up to you.

He arrived to a massacre at the restaurant. Not a single soul was found alive anywhere, they had all been shot. Searching for you, along with the other casualties, you were nowhere to be found.

Only explanation, you were taken by Graham. The lack of gravitas when it came to killing led to one person, James Graham. You were the only thing on his mind right now and Graham was behind it all. He quickly pulled his phone out and dialed the last person he wanted to see tonight.

“Oh Tom, what do I owe this pleasure?” Graham said cheekily. “Where the fuck is she, Graham?” Tom barked, not fucking around. “Sorry Tommy, I’m afraid you’re mistaken. Who?”

“Graham, I swear to fucking god if you hurt a hair on her head there will be hell to pay,” Tom gritted his teeth.

“It’s a little late for that.” Graham stated. “TOM!” You screamed in the background. “Let me talk to her,” Tom pleaded. “Alright, I’m not a monster. Hope she has some good last words for you now.” “It’s for you,” Graham said, holding the phone to your ear. “Y/N? Are you okay? Where are you?” Tom said with concern. He blamed himself for you being in this position. Sure, you had come from a mob family but, nothing like this happened. It was because of him. He was in love you, which made you his biggest weakness.

“I’m fine, don’t listen to him, I’m sorry we didn’t get our second date,” you said, trying to put Tom’s mind at ease. “You mean anniversary date. Oh… Baby, I’m going to find you. Trust me” “I do, I love—“ the conversation soon ended when Graham pulled the phone away and pummeled into your cheekbone, causing red to seep out. Only winces from pain and quiet sobs were heard on the other line.

“Aww, did you say your fucking marriage vows or shit? Too bad you’ll never see her in a wedding dress,” Graham snickered. “Graham, I’m coming for you and for your sake, I suggest you fucking run like the pussy you are,” Tom threatened as he hung up. He knew where you were thank to you subtle hint and he desperately needed backup. How could he go in there guns blazing when it’s just him.

“Haz, Y/N has been taken. Gather all the men I know where she is,” Tom said into the phone. “What? Where is she?” Haz inquired “She’s at the marina, our second date.”

Tom drove to where your second date was, the marina. He needed to know you were okay, the phone call didn’t give him much to go on. Haz and the other men soon arrived all in black SUVs.

“She’s in there. On my count. 1, 2, 3!” Haz said, instructing the soldiers. Tom let Haz take the lead on this one so he could focus on you.

Busting through the doors, guns went off a split second later. Flooring most of Graham’s men. Tom and Haz found you looking half dead strapped to a chair in the middle of the room.

“Love we have to get you out of here” Tom said, trying to run up to you until he was stopped by sound of a gun cocking against your head. Tears slipped as your came face to head with the barrel of a gun.

“Come any closer and she’s dead. Now drop the gun,” Graham shouted.

“Do you think I’m playing around. DROP IT!!!” Tom slowly put his gun on the ground, trying to stall enough for Harrison to be behind him.

“Duck!” Tom yelled, hitting the deck as Haz fired 3 shots. Striking Graham right between the eyes, and the chest twice. A thud soon followed and you let out the breath you didn’t know you were holding. Tom rushed over to you, cutting off your restraints.

“Y/N. Oh darling, I’m so sorry,” Tom cried.

“It’s ok, you got me now, that’s all that matters,” you said growing more weak in his arms “We gotta get you to a hospital come on,” he said, wrapping his arm around you shoulder as he walked.

This was the first time Tom had brought you to the hospital. Who knew it would be the first of many instances. He hated hospitals, all the sickness that lingered in the air.

You had been in surgery for an hour, the doctors were in the process of fixing your internal bleeding. All those punches, ruptured one of your kidneys. Now you were resting in your hospital bed with Tom attached to your side, refusing to let go of your hand.

Tom had been a wreck, sure it was only two hours but the most dreadful two hours of his life. He knew you would be okay, but all he wanted to do was hold you in his arms.

“Hi Tommy,” you whispered, beginning to wake. “God you scared the fucking hell out of me, please don’t ever scare me like that again. I need to know you are okay,” Tom exclaimed. “I’m okay, I promise.” “Yes and you will be from now on…. Tomorrow Jared, my driver, will help you gather your stuff from the house. I’ll have someone else take care of the furniture. Do you have a place to stay?” Tom explained.

“What? Why are you doing this?” you said, confusingly.

“I love you Y/N, this is the only way I can guarantee your safety.” “Tom, don’t push me away.”

“None of this would’ve happened if it wasn’t for me. You wouldn’t be lying here half fucking dead. You should just forget about me,” Tom pleaded. “Hey, look at me. You’re stuck with me whether you like it or not,” you said, standing your ground. “Y/N, I’m damaged goods. This your chance, go live the your life without getting blood on your hands.”

“Tom, I think you forget that I already have blood on my hands. There is nothing you can say or do that would ever make me leave you.”

Tom knew in the moment, you were his and one day he might regret your words. Thank god you stuck around or he wouldn’t have the family he has today. You and Tom even still make it a priority to spend your anniversary at Casa Nostra.

Parker needed reassurance, just like Tom did when he asked you to leave him, after your kidnapping. Tom never wanted himself to be the reason for your demise. He could never forgive himself.

“Dad, I just don’t know how to move on from this. It hurts so bad,” Parker pleaded.

“She’s dead because of me. All I want to do is hold her. She didn’t deserve any of this,” Parker cried. “I know, it wasn’t your fault though,” Tom reassured.

“How is it not? The men specifically asked for me, I’m the reason she is dead!” Parker exclaimed.

“How do I make the pain go away?” he said, desperate for a quick remedy. “It will eventually, you just need time,” Tom explained to his devastated son. “No, what I need is revenge,” Parker said forcing a shocked expression upon Tom’s face.

“I’ll do it, dad” Parker concluded with a new found confidence.

“Do what, P?” Tom inquired.

“I’ll be the next you, be the next Holland that strikes fear.”

“I’m in, teach me to be the best fucking mobster this world has every seen.” These were the words Tom was wishing his son would’ve said a week ago, but there’s no time like the present. “It would be my pleasure. I always knew you had it in you,” Tom said rather excitedly.

“This is the only way I can avenge Charlotte. They won’t know what hit them.” Something in Parker changed. A switch had flipped in his brain. The innocent boy was now a shell of person, demanding revenge. He was out for blood.

Guns, Glamour and Goodfellas Series Masterlist

Author note: Feel free to be asked to be added to the taglist if you want :)

Taglist: @thenoddingbunny-blog @adriannauni @dummiesshort

[amelialincoln]

The Way Life Goes (2)

She thic and she important. Feel free to leave part 3 prompts or theories in my ask box. As always, enjoy...

TW: substance abuse

“Have you seen Amelia?” Was the first thing the general surgeon asked Link at the beginning of the work week on Monday. Link shrugged, pushing his overgrown shaggy hair out of his face and tugging his Ipad aggressively out of the charger.

“Nope.” He popped the ‘p’. Meredith eyed him in a way that made him uncomfortable enough to continue. “Scout and I have been crashing at Jo’s since Friday. I’d assume she’s at my apartment.” He didn’t get very far before Meredith stepped in front of him.

“Look, as irritating as it is, the minute shit is going down in her life she’s at my house in seconds. She didn’t come to the after party and hasn’t shown up for her shift yet today. I really doubt she’s just hanging out in your apartment.” She crossed her arms, looking somewhat terrifying, despite the fact that he loomed over her.

“I can't talk right now, I have surgery.” He replied, pushing back any fears of where she might be and focusing on the chart in front of him.

“She rejects your proposal and now you’re just done? What happened to you guys?” Link’s jaw tightened so hard you could hear the sound of his teeth clashing.

“She doesn’t want to be with me. It’s as simple as that.”

“I don’t think she doesn’t want to be with you. She just obviously isn’t ready to get married. And I think you knew that.”

“Whatever, Meredith.” Link’s throat was tight as he pushed past her, swallowing down his guilt.

She had somehow found herself to Link's apartment in a daze, praying he wasn’t there as she pushed through the door. He wasn’t. She grabbed some clean clothes and more cash before leaving once again.

It was somewhat exhilarating, living on the edge. Chasing high after high and making sure that the timing is perfect to prevent any meaningful thoughts from actually surfacing. So far she'd been excelling at it. However, it was when she was halfway back that she realized she had fucked up. Anger and self hatred hit her like a ton of bricks and she almost staggered back. The high had worn off and her mind had started to scream. You are so weak. Back here again after you promised the last time was the end. So many promises, she thought. So many empty promises that she’d broken time and time again. The promise that she’d made to be a good mother. Failed, again. Why should she even attempt to pick up the broken pieces after she found herself back to square one each time? Why not stop trying to fix it and just accept herself for who she truly is, an addict? Why keep disappointing the people that care about her over and over? There was no point. Not anymore. Scout’s name was blaring in her mind like an alarm. He’s better out without you. She convinced herself. Don’t let yourself ruin him. You destroy everything you touch.

“Amelia.” Camilla was looking at her weird. She tried to focus on her new friend, attempting to calm her shaking hands. “Wait too long?” She asked, digging into her bag. All Amelia could do was nod and pull out the cash. “This one’s on me.” Camilla placed a reassuring hand on Amelia’s shoulder as she rolled up her sleeve. She paused, with bated breath, until the image of Scout faded from her mind.

“Can you hear me?” Meredith practically yelled into the crackling phone. “I’m sorry, I know this is your honeymoon. I just still haven’t heard from her and you know her better than me so I need you to tell me what I should do.”

“Is this about Amelia?” Maggie’s groggy voice asked into the speakerphone. “You still haven’t heard from her?”

“I wouldn’t have called if I hadn't. I’m worried about her.” She could practically hear Maggie’s hesitation. “Don’t come back. Don’t even offer that.”

“She’s been having a rough time,” Maggie sighed. “Richard doesn’t let on too much but I know COVID has been hard on her. Link has good intentions. He just hasn’t ever had to see her at her lowest.”

“You think she’s using?” Meredith’s voice was hushed as she passed her Ipad to a nurse and thanked her quietly before letting herself into her office.

“I mean if I rejected a proposal from a man who meant a lot to me because I wasn’t ready I’d probably down a bottle of wine out of guilt." Maggie smiled bitterly.

“She’s stayed sober through a lot worse,” Meredith countered, glancing up to find Bailey waiting at the door with an expression she knew too well. “Hey, I’ve got to go. Tell Winston I say hi.”

“I will. Talk to you later.” Meredith placed her cell phone in her scrub pocket before meeting an irritated Bailey at the door.

“Where’s Shepherd?” Meredith knew what she was going to say before she even spoke the words. She bit the inside of her cheek, not knowing how to respond.

“Why?” She asked, receiving an eyebrow raise.

“Because she’s got a gliosarcoma in an hour and she hasn’t clocked in,” Bailey stated, fixing her lab coat and giving Meredith an exasperated look. “Look, whatever drama she and Doctor Lincoln are having, I don’t care. She can show up to work.”

“I don’t know where she is,” Meredith responded. “I honestly have no idea.”

“Wha--” Bailey started. She let out a grunt of disapproval before waving an agitated hand in the air and storming off. Meredith bit the nail on her thumb, sending yet another message to the missing neurosurgeon and wondered guiltily, for a moment, why she was so self destructive.

Link spent a lot of time in the ER compared to his colleagues. Compared to most other specialties, the majority of cases that presented themselves in the emergency room were ortho related. Most of the time it was pretty mundane, whether it be a broken ankle or a dislocated shoulder, but to keep the hospital from impending lawsuits, he was usually needed to supervise the interns, who were prowling in the ER looking for cases and trying to pop limbs back into place or reset joints, thinking they could handle it easily on their own.

As a result of this, Link was already in the OR when the trauma came in. He was sitting in the swivel chair behind the desk, dragging his feet across the floor to propel him side to side. He wasn’t paged so he was unfazed by the ambulance pulling up. Then again, he wasn’t really fazed by much these days after falling into a somewhat self deprecating state. He stared at the clock, hoping he’d be let off early.

“Did you hear about this?” Bailey asked Richard, as she secured her gown around herself and handed him a pair of gloves.

“Yeah,” Richard’s voice was a tone that Link couldn’t quite decipher. “Bunch of overdoses at Quilchena, saw it on the news in the lounge. Must’ve been something laced in whatever they all were doing.” He snapped his gloves aggressively over his hands as if he were mad at something. “This kind of thing has been happening all the time because of COVID. Addicts have been struggling during the pandemic. Never seen meetings so full.” Link found himself wondering if he was talking about Amelia. Bailey nodded to Richard sympathetically ask they rushed to meet the gurney’s being pushed into the ER.

“John Doe,” the paramedic announced. “Got naloxone at the scene, friend administered it. Conscious but having trouble breathing.”

“Page cardio,” Bailey ordered to a resident. Link watched curiously as Richard froze in place.

“Jane Doe,” the paramedic continued. “Unconscious but breathing. She--”

“Put her in trauma one,” Richard ordered firmly. Link wished he could see what was going on as he watched the blood drain from Bailey’s face. “Don’t let anyone see her. She wouldn’t want that.” It clicked in Link’s brain at that very moment when the pair of them turned to look his way. He got out of the chair he was in so fast that it clattered to the ground behind him.

Her face was so pale it was practically grey and her arms and lips were tinted a purpley blue. She looked so slender he felt like one could reach out and just snap her in half. Her expression was almost peaceful though, and that’s what haunted him most. The image of her was burned into his mind immediately and he knew, as they wheeled her away, that it would never be forgotten.

As Bailey and Richard steered her gurney away he felt frozen in place before finally, and without any indication from his mind, his feet began to follow them.

“She’s seizing,” Bailey exclaimed, her hands flying up to either side of her head to avoid holding any of her limbs in place. “Where the hell is trauma?” Link watched as she twitched, bile building up in the back of his throat. He felt slightly dizzy. He’d never been one to get queasy, even in med school while the rest of his peers either fainted or threw up during their first time observing in an OR. That’s when he knew he wanted to become a surgeon. He wasn’t sure if it was his ego telling him that he was superior for being the last one standing or the tiny and quick glance of approval the attending gave him before going back to ignoring him completely. Though, there must be something different about seeing someone he loved in this situation because he had to place a hand on the doorway to steady himself and looked away. Teddy came through the doors at that moment, brushing past him as if he didn’t exist. For a reason he couldn't quite explain let out a breath of relief that it wasn’t Owen. Something in his mind was screaming your fault, your fault, your fault. And selfishly, he hoped that Meredith, or really anyone who cared for Amelia half as much as he did, wasn’t at the hospital, and theorized that she’d probably beat him to a pulp.

“Can I help?” He found himself croaking, receiving only a glance from Richard.

“Absolutely not,” the general surgeon replied firmly, before finally getting Amelia connected to the monitor. Everyone in the room kind of paused for a moment, reading the levels and unanimously thinking to themselves silently, fuck.

“She’s coding,” Teddy proclaimed, as the alarm-like sound began to reveal itself. Link’s heart sank and he reached out to grab her hand, ignoring Richard’s orders for him to leave. Her palm was cold like ice, but not the dead kind of cold. Cold as if she’d just run in and out of the water, grinning and calling to him as if the ocean’s touch had electrified her, sending a rush of serotonin through her veins. Link remembers that look from when they’d gone down to California, for a conference that she was speaking at, like it were yesterday. She’d convinced him to go swimming, despite it being mid February, and had explained that diving into the frigid waves replicated the feeling of euphoria she used to get when a really good high would hit her full force. She’d told him about how she would swim a lot when she was first getting sober, craving the way the world felt like it was on pause and the way that silence filled her ears when her head was completely underwater. That was really the last time she’d grinned at him like that. Right before Covid had really hit. The first time they’d left Scout for the weekend with his parents. Coming up out of that water like she had been brought back to life.

He’d been so blind. He’d watched her slip into a mindless routine. Go to work. Drive home. Feed the baby. Put the baby to bed. Go to bed. Wake up. Every day, over and over. She would walk around like a ghost, stuck between life and death. He had ignored the way she'd fill her free time with meetings and when she had started going to sleep before he got home, brushed it off as postpartum and told himself that everything between them was fine. Postpartum doesn’t last this long you idiot.

“Clear!” Teddy’s calm voice echoed through the room, snapping him back to reality, and he pulled away his hand last minute before her chest rose and fell. His eyes flicked to the heart monitor, nothing. “Again, charge to three fifty. Clear!” The room fell silent as the compression pads thumped. Nothing. Teddy paused, staring at the monitor.

“Dr. Altman?” The nurse called out. “Again?” Her voice was quiet as the trauma surgeon lifted a hand in response.

“Wait,” her voice had become soft. The monitor beeped as a small peak rose and fell. “Come on, Amelia,” Teddy muttered.

“Charge again,” Bailey ordered.

“Just give her a second,” Teddy pleaded, not taking her eyes off the screen. “She’s fighting.” The trio of doctors stared at the monitor while Link fixated his eyes on his girlfriend and slid his hand into hers once again, interlocking his fingers with hers. Don’t die, don’t die, don’t die. The monitor beeped, and then beeped again, and then again. Link forced himself to look up and watched as the numbers climbed.

“Thank you, god.” Bailey brought a shaking hand to her face before closing her fingers into a fist and pressing it to her forehead. “We are lucky that the lord is looking out for this woman because the people in her life seem to not be.” The comment cut through Link like a knife.

“Bailey, that is not fair!” Richard exclaimed. Link had never heard the man raise his voice with such aggravation, even Bailey winced as she stormed out of the room, throwing her gloves to the side.

“She’s lost a lot of people...and a lot of surgeons,” Richard muttered in apology to him.

“Can she breathe on her own?” Link choked, looking at Teddy, who shifted on her feet.

“She’s weak. I’d like to keep the tube in for a couple of hours at least. See how she does. I’d also like to get neuro down here to give her a check. Let’s get her up to the ICU for now and monitor her closely. She’s stable. Let’s focus on that for now.” Link nodded, not knowing what else to say as Teddy pulled off her gown and tossed it into the bin before practically staggering out of the stuffy room.

“I didn’t know.” Something about the way Richard was looking his way was causing a buildup of defensiveness inside him.

“How?” Richard shook his head with disappointment, massaging his throbbing temple and trying to block out the emphysematous but rhythmic breath sounds coming from the breathing tube. “How, did you just not know?” His colleague was radiating judgment and Richard’s eyes narrowed into tiny slits before his entire body slumped, in no effort to lecture Link about something he should be hearing from Amelia. He looked at his friend, without a trace of condemnation, knowing, so easily, that it could be him in that hospital bed and her where he was standing. “It’s not my place,” he finally stated, tearing his eyes away from Amelia and blinking away any buildup in his tear ducts. He turned to the nurse and thanked her, always polite. “When you take her up can you make it discreet?” He knew the woman had recognized Amelia immediately. “Her reputation is on the line.” The nurse nodded as if she understood. Richard thanked her again before exiting the room.

Richard had ended up telling Meredith, who stopped by to let Link know that she and Hayes would pick up Scout from daycare and take him home with them. Link couldn’t read her expression, it was clouded as if she was undergoing an internal conflict that caused her to wince and look away upon glancing at Amelia. Some of the colour had returned to her cheeks, they looked as if someone had applied too much blush to a pale complexion and were hot to the touch. Teddy had removed the breathing tube about an hour ago. She’d gasped at first, her lungs whistling and wheezing in protest. Enough to make Teddy almost contemplate putting it back in before the breathing had settled.

“You didn’t look for her,” Meredith blurted out, as if she’d been trying to keep the words at bay. The look on her face told him that she regretted saying it almost immediately.

“Neither did you,” he bit back, more aggressively than he would’ve liked. Meredith’s face snapped away from him so quickly it was as if he’d physically hit her.

“If you really loved her. Enough to marry her. Her response shouldn’t have mattered,” her voice was as sharp as a knife. “She loves you and she’s been unfortunate enough to have most of the people she’s loved taken away from her. Do you know how rare it is for Amelia to come to Maggie and I teary eyed because she finally feels safe and loved and not being pressured into anything by the person she loves? " Meredith took a step back as if she didn't want to continue but couldn't help herself. "Amelia is a runner. She breaks under the expectations that the people that she loves have of her and she functions under the fear that the people she loves are going to leave her or die. So if you want to be an ass and make her feel like she isn’t enough for you because she doesn’t feel the need to commemorate her love to you on a stupid peice of paper, I will remove you from my sister’s life.” She was gone before he could even think of a reply and he stared wordlessly at the spot she’d just vacated.

“No,” the voice was so soft he could barely hear it. His head whipped to where she was lying. “No, no, no, no.” Amelia’s eyes were wide and she recoiled as he reached out to touch her. Her heart monitor climbed and he pulled back his hand. She was looking at him in a way that made his skin crawl. He realized, then, that she was looking at him in fear. She looked scared. It shocked him how quickly everything had fallen apart. How quickly he’d gone from someone she’d loved to someone she felt as though she barely knew. But it wasn’t really that quickly, a part of him was whispering over his shoulder. You just didn’t want to accept it.

“Hey.” The words sounded stupid as soon as they left his mouth. “It’s okay. You’re okay.” He found himself wondering what had happened to her over the last couple of days, the bruises scattered along her arms had become more evident as colour had returned to her skin. She gagged suddenly, moaning in a way that made him sick and he slid a kidney dish under her just in time. There didn’t seem to be much in her stomach so it was mostly dry heaving. Her heart monitor climbed every time he tried to touch her and he gave up on trying to hold back her hair.

“She’s awake?” Teddy stood in the doorway. Amelia looked up at her blankly before laying her head back against the hospital bed and staring up at the ceiling. The shame in her eyes were evident. Link nodded to Teddy, who gave him a somewhat genuine smile. “I’ll just do a quick vitals check.”

“No,” Amelia moaned, the pain in her voice causing Teddy to stop in her tracks. “I just want to go home. Let me go home.”

“You’re not going to go home though, are you?” Link glanced up to find Richard standing at the foot of the hospital bed, arms crossed. His stern expression was slightly wavering. Link wondered how hard it was for him to even be within two meters of her.

“Shut the fuck up,” Amelia spat, pulling her IV out of her wrist and throwing it across the room hard enough that the machine screeched against the concrete floor. Link grimaced as the IV site began to bleed. The sudden bout of energy seemed to exhaust her as she collapsed back onto the bed.

“We’re good for now, Doctor Altman,” Richard said softly, not wanting to watch as his coworker, and friend, incriminated herself in front of someone she’d regret. “You can go home with Maggie or I can check you into a rehab clinic, the choice is yours.” Link’s eyes fell to the floor, his face burning at the idea that he couldn’t be trusted to take care of her.

“Maggie’s on her honeymoon,” Amelia mumbled, the anger dying out in her eyes as she realized what his response would be before he even spoke it.

“I called her,” Richard confirmed her prediction. “Meredith is taking care of Scout and I shouldn’t even be in the same room as you.” Hot tears spilled down Amelia’s cheeks as she glared at him. You ruin everything. The voice in her head had been telling her over and over since she’d woken up.

“Rehab. I choose rehab. Call her and tell her not to come.” Maggie had arrived at the hospital an hour ago but Link decided to keep his mouth shut.

“Fine,” Richard sighed. “I’ll call right now.” He stepped outside where his daughter was waiting anxiously and placed both hands on her shoulders trying to calm her down.

“I need to go in and see her,” Maggie’s breathing was asynchronous, she held her shaky hands into her chest, trying to look into her sister’s hospital room.

“Don’t,” Richard warned. “She’s not herself right now. I shouldn’t have called and stressed you out. She chose rehab.” He watched as her face twisted in confusion.

“What? That’s ridiculous.” Maggie shook her head in disbelief. “Let me take her home.”

“I wasn’t expecting her to be this bad. It’s too much responsibility to put on anyone. I...I just don’t think it would be a good idea, Maggie.” He pulled her into a hug as she started to sob.

“Link, is he…” she trailed off as she buried her face into her biological father’s scrub top.

“It’s not anyone’s fault,” Richard sighed. “But out of everyone, he’s the last person that should be taking care of her right now.” Maggie nodded, cursing herself for not doing more as she had watched Amelia change over the last couple of months. “Has she mentioned anything about her friend Charlotte? She needs an ally, someone who understands how her brain works. I know how much you care about her, Maggie, but you can’t help her the way she really needs in a couple of days when the realization of what she’s done has hit.”

“Charlotte, the one in L.A.? I’ve talked to her a couple times, never really for too long, just over FaceTime when Amelia used to call her while living at Meredith’s.”

“Amelia brought her up a lot at meetings,” Richard bit the inside of his lip, hoping that he was making the right decision. “I think we need to call Charlotte. I think that she knows Amelia on a level that not any of us in Seattle can really understand.”

“Okay,” Maggie nodded, pushing her own feelings aside. “Get St. Ambrose Hospital in Los Angeles on the phone,” she loudly ordered to the intern, sitting at the nurses station, who had been just out of earshot, “And tell them I need to speak to Doctor Charlotte King.”

[jasontoddiefor]

Tiny Emperor Luke AU Chapter 10

Also known as “Obi-Wan thinks Luke is dead and grieves on Alderaan ft. Bail Organa”.

Tumblr Tag | AO3

The first few days back on Alderaan passed in a haze. He knew he had all but collapsed in Breha’s arms, running low on energy. Obi-Wan had made it through the worst the war and all that Tatooine’s summers had to offer and yet he had broken down like a youngling, utterly exhausted. The Queen had put him in the same little cabin he’d lived in just a month ago and given him strict orders not to disappear.

It seemed unbelievable. Obi-Wan’s life had changed within the span of days so often, and yet he couldn’t grasp that just a month ago everything had been alright.

Not perfect, far from it, but alright.

He had told Beru that he’d be gone for two weeks while Owen was out working on the vaporators. She had laughed, told him not to worry and allowed him to visit Luke. The boy had been sleeping right up until Obi-Wan had stepped into his room to leave him another toy ship.

Beru had once let it slip that Luke adored the handcrafted ships much more than any other of his toys, much to Owen’s annoyance.

“Owen Lars was a good man,” Obi-Wan said quietly.

Bail took a seat next to him on the sofa. Breha had returned to the palace while Bail had stayed behind.

“He took in Luke without asking another question, loved his wife and his nephew dearly. I think, for all that he resented the pain Anakin represented, he might have loved the chance to have a brother as well.”

During the really dark days, the second year or so he had been on Tatooine, Obi-Wan had wondered whether the reason they didn’t get along was the fact that Owen Lars was an inherently good man. He was protective of his family, devoted, and wanted nothing but to see them happy. He was honorable down to the core and had even brought water and food to Obi-Wan’s meager dwellings when he had come to ask about floating toys and the kind of separation anxiety only Force-sensitive children experienced.

Owen Lars was a good man and Obi-Wan was a monster.

He’d justified all his actions in front of the Council and they had approved again and again as he committed hideous crimes in the name of the Republic and peace. Looking back, Obi-Wan knew that the Jedi had fallen from their path the moment they had stepped up to be Generals, but there hadn’t been any other options. Obi-Wan hadn’t been a proper Jedi in over a decade and that was perhaps the only reason the next words escaped him so easily.

“I hated him,” Obi-Wan admitted. “Still do. He told me to stay away so I wouldn’t get even more Skywalkers killed and I did just as he asked me to because I thought he was right.”

Bail put his arm around Obi-Wan’s shoulder, the hold so reminiscent of the way little Leia had thrown herself around Obi-Wan’s neck on the last day he had been on Alderaan the first time around.

“It’s not your fault, Obi-Wan,” Bail said. “You cannot blame yourself.”

“But it is my fault. I should have been there, begun training Luke so he’d be safer and I would know if anything happened to him. He’d already latched onto me when we had finally made it to Tatooine and that bond never broke. I should have reinforced it. I was already thinking about keeping him, raising him myself, but I thought he would be better off with his family. I walked the edge of their land so often, tempted to steal him away, but I always told myself I couldn’t give him what he needed, that he'd be safer away from me and now he’s-“

Dead.

Gone.

Like everyone else. People always left him behind and not for the first time did Obi-Wan wonder what lesson the Force was attempting to teach him that he always failed it. Maybe he had never outgrown the angry thirteen-year-old child, too attached to everyone around him. The galaxy might be a better place if he hadn’t been in it. Anakin wouldn’t have been trained or maybe he would have gotten a Master who could have stopped him from falling, who’d be able to protect his children and burn the Empire to the ground.

Obi-Wan knew he couldn’t do it anymore.

“It’s not your fault,” Bail insisted. “You Jedi always had a habit of piling the weight of every star onto your backs.”

Obi-Wan closed his eyes and took a deep breath. Held it. Exhaled.

“It was our calling,” Obi-Wan said. “We were meant to protect every life.”

If the desert had taught him one thing, then it had shown him in perfect clarity what the Jedi should have been doing. Obi-Wan didn’t know where Palpatine’s machinations had started and ended, how many choices his Order really had been able to make in the end before they were slaughtered, but he could feel in his bruised and broken bones who they always should have been.

And who Obi-Wan never could be.

“And what is your calling now?” Bail asked.

Obi-Wan didn’t have an answer for him. He should finish what he had started all those years ago on Mustafar, show Anakin mercy and kill Vader for his Padawan. He should look for any remaining Jedi, die in the most honorable way, like a star on the verge of collapse.

He should, he should, he should-

He didn’t.

Sensing that Obi-Wan didn’t have an answer for him, Bail began to speak again. Alderaan’s Senator had aged, but by far not as much as Obi-Wan and yet, despite all the marks grief had left behind, Bail still managed to smile kindly.

“After you left the last time, Leia kept asking for you,” Bail said. “’When is Mister Ben coming back?’ and ‘Do you think he can tell me more stories?’ She has taken quite a liking to you and not only because you showed her how to make her books float on purpose.”

“I can’t stay here,” Obi-Wan said. “The first trip here was already a risk and this second- I never should have come back.”

Alderaan was as anti-Imperial as you could be without outright committing treason. They were under constant scrutiny and Obi-Wan couldn’t risk endangering the government of an entire planet. If even just one Imperial spy could see past the image of a haunted man, Alderaan would be made an example of.

“But you did.”

“Because I was desperate.”

The brutal honesty had become one of Obi-Wan’s most well-known companions. On Coruscant, he always had to watch his words no matter whether he spoke in front of Representative or another Jedi. People had high expectations of him and Obi-Wan had lied so often to please everyone around him that the truth the sharp winds of the last years had cut into him was terrifying but relieving.

Bail let go of Obi-Wan and with a sigh unbefitting of a royal, jabbed Obi-Wan’s ribs like they were children instead of grown men.

“You are my friend and you were Padmé’s friend,” Bail said. “You’ve been alone for a very long time, so do me a favor and honor those friendships and let us help you.”

“I’m not a good man, Bail,” Obi-Wan said. “Chaos follows me everywhere.”

Bail smiled and Obi-Wan wanted nothing more but to know how he managed it after all the horrors he had been forced to witness.

“At least this way I’ll always know where it is, instead of having to chase my daughter down.”

“Leia is a sweet child,” Obi-Wan replied.

Happy too, loved and cared for like her brother had been.

“I’m not denying that,” Bail said. “I am simply pointing out that she also happens to be an utter terror with no regard for people who do not have her particular brand of luck on their side. It must be a Jedi thing, Master Kenobi.”

“I’m not a Jedi anymore.”

“You have to be. My daughter is depending on it.”

Obi-Wan was hesitant to try. There were so many things that could go wrong and Leia was safe still and with luck, she’d never need to wield a weapon, certainly nothing more dangerous than a blaster.

But if Luke had been able to, he might still be alive and Obi-Wan didn’t have anyone left. His people had all been executed and all that remained of them were him and Leia Organa, her father’s laughter and her mother’s wit.

“I need time,” Obi-Wan said.

Time to heal and time to think and time to teach Leia to be better than the Jedi had ever been.

“Of course,” Bail agreed.

Obi-Wan could only hope she wouldn’t resent him for burdening her with the legacy of a thousand generations, that someday she might even forgive him for depriving her of the chance to share that weight with her brother.

He wasn’t sure he ever would.

[thefigureinthecorner]

tama-rrow will be kinder- an am archives playlist

at least 3 months and 31 songs later and this monster of a playlist finally has a cover hell yeah

the pun title is....... literally the only fun thing about this playlist, actually.

song notes, and also spoilers, under the cut

a lot of these songs are mood songs; the lyrics don’t have a whole lot of relevance. most of them do have at least some lyrical relevance, though, provided that the song has any lyrics at all. it’s p much just the songs that helped me draw all that Good Good Angst

also important to note: I started making it after episode 9, so it’s mostly relevant to the back half of the show, and especially to the last couple of episodes.

again, this is 31 songs and over 2 hours long, so the notes are........ kind of long

Ghosts That We Knew - Mumford & Sons

So give me hope in the darkness that I will see the light/'Cause oh that gave me such a fright/But I will hold as long as you like/Just promise me we'll be alright

Desert Song - My Chemical Romance

this is one of those songs that’s there primarily for mood reasons; i added it right after episode 9 came out and it was on loop pretty much the whole time i was drawing stuff for that episode. the lyrics are kinda relevant, but not enough for me to pull out any specific lines.

The World Is Ugly - My Chemical Romance

this was added for mood reasons after 9, but then it became relevant.

I just wanted you to know/That the world is ugly/But you're beautiful to me/Are you thinking of me/Like I'm thinking of you/I would say I'm sorry, though/Though I really need to go

The Light Behind Your Eyes - My Chemical Romance

yes, there are three mcr songs in a row, and no, i’m not gonna apologize for that. the am archives slam dunked me right back into my emo phase. also, this song just straight-up hurts. like, the whole thing.

If I could be with you tonight/I would sing you to sleep/Never let them take the light behind your eyes/I failed and lost this fight/Never fade in the dark/Just remember you will always burn as bright

In Case You Don't Live Forever - Ben Platt

my one note for this song is: ow.

I've waited way too long to say/Everything you mean to me/In case you don't live forever, let me tell you now/I love you more than you'll ever wrap your head around/In case you don't live forever, let me tell you the truth/I'm everything that I am because of you

Spanish Sahara - Foals

this one’s another mood song, but it does have some lines that work; the forget the horror here sections are the biggest reason this song ended up on the playlist, actually, mood aside.

Hot Gates - Mumford & Sons

mood mostly, but also:

And I can't be for you all of the things you want me to/But I will love you constantly/There's precious little else to me/And though we cry, we must stay alive

Iridescent - Linkin Park

When you were standing in the wake of devastation When you were waiting on the edge of the unknown And with the cataclysm raining down, insides crying save me now You were there impossibly alone

Do you feel cold and lost in desperation You build up hope but failure's all you've known Remember all the sadness and frustration And let it go, let it go

Gone Away - SafetySuit

again: ow.

i just... go look at the lyrics. do it. it hurts.

POWERLESS - Linkin Park

it’s mostly here for mood, but the lyrics feel relevant in a way that i can’t pinpoint but it’s a way that hurts.

Daylight - Boyce Avenue

i have other connections to this specific cover of this song that make it Extra Painful but like Daylight started playing literally right after Crazy while i was at CVS and i was like hey hi excuse me i just wanted to get some Arizona w h y

anyway.

Here I am staring at your perfection/In my arms, so beautiful/The sky is getting bright, the stars are burning out/Somebody slow it down/This is way too hard/'Cause I know, when the sun comes up/I will leave, this is my last glance/That will soon be memory

Chasing Cars - Snow Patrol

ah. the Quintessential Sad Medical Drama Song. not that tama is a medical drama but like it kinda gave me those vibes at times?? anyway. it’s here for mood more than anything but there are some lyrics in it that hurt

The Winner Takes It All - ABBA

not even abba is safe from tama angst.

no seriously though i got this song stuck in my head and had an aw fuck come on seriously???? ABBA?????? you’re making ABBA hurt???????? moment

re: joan and owen

The gods may throw a dice/Their minds as cold as ice/And someone way down here/Loses someone dear/The winner takes it all/The loser has to fall/It's simple and it's plain/Why should I complain

and re: joan and wadsworth

I don't want to talk/If it makes you feel sad/And I understand/You've come to shake my hand/I apologize/If it makes you feel bad/Seeing me so tense/No self-confidence/But you see/The winner takes it all

I Of The Storm - Of Monsters and Men

Are you really gonna love me when I'm gone?/I fear you won't/I fear you don't/And it echoes when I breathe/Until all you see is my ghost/Empty vessel, crooked teeth/Wish you could see/And they call me under/And I'm shaking like a leaf/And they call me under/And I wither underneath

Hail To Whatever You Found In The Sunlight That Surrounds You - Rilo Kiley

this one is 100% a mood song. i’ve debated taking it off the playlist but it just... gets me in the right headspace for drawing tama art, i guess?? something about the sadness/anxiety in the song or something i think

Fear - Sleeping At Last

it’s instrumental, so yeah, mood song

For Good - Wicked

i’ve made art based on this song, but i didn’t even use the lyrics that actually hurt the most?

And just to clear the air/I ask forgiveness/For the things I've done you blame me for

But then, I guess we know/There's blame to share

And none of it seems to matter anymore

Empty Chairs At Empty Tables - Les Miserables

yeah so realizing how well this song fit kind of felt like what i would imagine getting hit by a train feels like

the whole song fits. just trust me on this.

All Gone (No Escape) - Gustavo Santaolalla

another instrumental one that’s mood-only, but i was rewatching a last of us playthrough as a reference for a thing and this song popped up towards the end and i was like “ah, that hurts, i need it”

All Is Well (It's Only Blood) - Radical Face

y’know what? the song’s pretty short. have all the lyrics, and i’m sorry.

All is well now Pay no mind All is well now I'm just fine I'm just fine It's only blood; I have plenty left It's only blood; I just need to rest I said I'd fix this That I'd set things straight You begged me not to But I couldn't stay Couldn't wait They cut me up, but I did them worse And I'll be fine, I just need to rest All is well now All is well now All is well now All is well now

......yeah.

when i heard it, i swear to god it replicated that exact sinking feeling i felt in the pit of my stomach when i first listened to episode 15. it fits way too well, and i have too many feelings about this song, and hhhhhhh

After the Storm - Mumford & Sons

And I won't die alone and be left there Well I guess I'll just go home, Oh God knows where Because death is just so full and man so small Well I'm scared of what's behind and what's before

The Trapeze Swinger - Iron & Wine

someone in the tag mentioned this song and i’ve been crying over it ever since

it’s just. 9 minutes of jesus christ, ow, what the fuck

Winter Song - The Head and the Heart

this one’s mostly here for mood, but some of the lyrics do fit and they hurt, like “we’re just praying that we’re doing this right/but that’s not the way it seems”; joan realizing that she’s been going about the tier 5 clear out the wrong way and the costly mistakes that come with that.

Touch - Sleeping At Last

i think this one’s mostly for the mood, but there’s something in the lyrics that make me think of joan in the finale; that kind of numb, “none of this feels real” denial of everything that’s happened both to her and to the people she loves.

Silhouette - Owl City

this song hurts especially in the context of the “i need you to be happy” line, i think; the line changing between “will i ever feel again//will i ever smile again//will i ever love again” is just, like, a trifecta of pain

The fire I began, is burning me alive But I know better than to leave and let it die I'm a silhouette asking every now and then Is it over yet? Will I ever smile again? I'm a silhouette chasing rainbows on my own But the more I try to move on the more I feel alone So I watch the summer stars to lead me home

All Is Well (Goodbye, Goodbye) - Radical Face

fun fact! all is well (it’s only blood) has a companion song!! because you know what’s better than one angst? two angst!!

And I have lost your face It slips between my fingers now And all the world is gray As though you took the colors with you When you went and passed away

It's So Hard To Say Goodbye To Yesterday - Jason Mraz

this one’s on my joan/owen playlist too, but it hurt too much to not put it here.

And if we get to see tomorrow I hope it's worth all the wait It's hard to say goodbye to yesterday

And I'll take with me the memories To be my sunshine after the rain It's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday

Cradle and All - Audra McDonald

i’m just sitting here, innocently listening to joan’s playlist, when this song pops up and i’m like aw fuck aw shit no goddammit

It's not like he didn't love, no, that I couldn’t conceive There are many ways a man can stay And many ways that he can leave

--

Oh hush, oh hush, don't be scared I know that you tried, I know cared Let's put it behind us, that noise in the hall

We All Go the Same - Radical Face

i’ve made art for this song, too! it hurts. it’s sad. it’s about death. it’s got sad piano. what more explanation do you want

Light In The Hallway - Pentatonix

it’s.... comforting in a sad way, idk. it felt like it fit, especially towards the end of this playlist.

Tomorrow Will Be Kinder - The Secret Sisters this song is kind of like... sad and optimistic at the same time. i wanted to end this playlist on at least kind of a lighter note, and i think this song does that. it works with the finale; sad, not quite recovered, but still looking towards the future and knowing things can still be better despite every terrible thing that’s happened.

also, it’s where the pun title comes from.

Sorrow weighs my shoulders down And trouble haunts my mind But I know the present will not last And tomorrow will be kinder

Tomorrow will be kinder It's true, I've seen it before A brighter day is coming my way Yes, tomorrow will be kinder

Today I've cried a many tear And pain is in my heart Around me lies a somber scene I don't know where to start

[coloursflyaway]

Tethered and Chained

Pairing: Sami Zayn/ Kevin Owens

Rating: T

Words: 2.170

Shout out to @komaniac for having a blog so lovely it kept me thinking about these two absolute dorks for most of today.

Kevin is already outside when Sami steps through the door. The sun has long since gone down and the electric lights are trying and failing to illuminate the balcony, but Sami still recognises his familiar form within a split second, the broad shoulders and the hunched back, the head that should be held high instead of resting on Kevin’s hand. If Sami was smart, he would turn back, maybe with a short apology, maybe without saying anything at all, because they are not friends, they haven’t been in what feels like an eternity. But then again, Sami has never been smart when it comes to Kevin. So instead, he lets the door fall shut behind him, wincing slightly when the sudden noise causes Kevin to whip around, fixing dark, suspicious eyes on Sami, who holds up his hands in surrender without thinking.

Even in the dim light, Kevin looks ready to fight, shoulders drawn up and fingers clenched, and Sami has always known that Kevin isn’t beautiful, but by God, he’s the only thing Sami wants to look at for the rest of his life.

“Can we just…not for tonight?”, he hears himself ask, half his mind still occupied by how right it feels to have Kevin look at him, even if his expression isn’t tender like it usually is in Sami’s dreams. For a moment, he expects Kevin to scoff, to at least send him away, if not beat him to a bloody pulp, but then the tension drains out of the other man, shoulders slumping once more, chin dropping; he looks tired, and Sami hates it almost as much as he hates the wary look in Kevin’s eyes. A curt nod, and Sami risks stepping closer.

“What are you doing here anyway?”, Kevin asks, and Sami doesn’t wince at his tone, but it’s a close thing. “Can we also maybe not do that?”, he asks instead of answering; it might be a strange request, but he doesn’t want to talk about Shinsuke today, about titles and matches, maybe he doesn’t want to talk at all. For a long moment there is no reply, but then Kevin shrugs, turns around to look back out onto the city, leaving Sami to wonder if he is really so desperate that this tiny, miniscule show of trust makes his heart jump. The answer, he supposes, is yes.

Since Kevin doesn’t say anything, doesn’t turn around again, Sami dares to come closer, and every step is as exhilarating as it is terrifying until he has reached the railing, can lean against it next to the other man. There is still some distance between them, enough to give Sami a chance to breathe, but Kevin is close enough that Sami could just reach out, brush his fingers across the other’s shoulder, and the mere thought is as intoxicating as it is dangerous. He turns towards the scenery before his treacherous hands can get any more ideas, focusses on the twinkling lights in the distance, the moon peeking out from behind the clouds, the sound of cars passing by the hotel, and yet he cannot forget about Kevin right beside him for even a single moment. And how could he, when can’t remember a single day when he hasn’t missed the other, when sometimes the urge to call Kevin is so strong that Sami has to leave his phone in another room before he goes to bed, just so he can resist the temptation. It’s the reason he oversleeps more often than ever before in his life, but Shinsuke’s annoyed looks are a small price to pay for not making a complete idiot out of himself.

Kevin shifts next to him, the smallest of movements, but enough to bring Sami back to reality within half a second, looking over to find Kevin’s eyes still fixed on the horizon. Nonetheless, it seems like he has gotten closer, an idea Sami forces himself to dismiss instantly. Just because he hides something behind all his bravado, his wit, doesn’t mean that Kevin does, too.  

He should pretend he isn’t hyperaware of every motion, every breath, every sound the other makes, but then, just when Sami wants to – has to – turn back, Kevin speaks. “You know”, he says, and his voice is soft, hoarse in a way Sami hasn’t heard in a long, long time. “Sometimes I wonder if it was all worth it.” The words send Sami reeling, at first not because of their meaning, but because Kevin is speaking at all, because there is something he wants Sami to know. Then, because none of it makes sense, not coming from Kevin, his sometimes friend, sometimes enemy, always his. “What do you mean?”, he asks and thanks whoever is willing to listen that he doesn’t have to tear his eyes away from Kevin’s profile after all.  It’s a blessing, even if, between breaths, it feels like a curse.

“Just…” There’s a pause, Kevin raising one hand to rub it across his face, and Sami almost expects to be left with just that when the other man continues. “I was happier before this. I think. I might have been. I’m not sure, it’s been so long ago, but I broke so much to get here. And back then, I mean, the venues were shitty, and the hotels were worse, I had to sell my own merch and hope that it would be enough to pay for gas, but… but I think, maybe I was happier.”

The words do not come out in a rush, like Sami might have expected them to; they’re not a confession born from a moment’s nostalgia, but from days, weeks, maybe months of thinking, and suddenly, Sami cannot breathe. Because even if Kevin doesn’t say it out-loud, Sami is in there, in that past the other is thinking of, in the same venues, the same hotels, right beside him selling badly made t-shirts. He is part of it in a way he can’t be anymore, and even if that is not what Kevin means, it’s the only thing Sami can think of.

“But-”, he tries to answer anyway, trying not to give too much of himself away, pauses to lick his dry lips. His voice is raspy, as if he hadn’t used it for a week, but Kevin doesn’t seem to notice, so Sami simply goes on. Answers Kevin’s sudden softness with more of the same. “But that’s not where you belonged. Never. You always belonged somewhere bigger, somewhere better.” It’s nothing but the truth, even if the unfamiliarity of tenderness stings on his lips, his tongue; Kevin deserved more than freezing motel rooms and cheap fast food, putting his body on the line night after night in the hopes of someone noticing. Sami did too, even if never as much as Kevin.

“I could have”, Kevin answers, this time immediately, even if he takes a deep breath before continuing, as if to steel himself, his eyes not once straying from the city below them. “If you had been there, I could have belonged anywhere.”

It’s a kick to the stomach, a punch to the throat; no move inside a ring could force the air out of Sami’s lungs the way a few choice words do, causing the world around him to stop spinning and leaving Sami helpless, but for the first time in a long time, full of hope. There’s no way what Kevin is saying is the truth, and yet again, there is no reason for him to lie, no reason to pretend when there is nothing to gain from Sami’s open, bleeding heart.

“Kevin-“, he breathes out, unable to do anything but whisper, but he doesn’t get any farther. The other man shakes his head, still not looking at Sami, huffs out a laugh that sounds more pained than anything else. “Ignore me”, Kevin says, apparently oblivious to the fact that it’s the only thing Sami has never been able to do, and pushes himself away from the railing. “I don’t know what’s gotten into me tonight. It’s too late, I have known that it’s too late for years, I don’t know why I’d bring it up again.” He starts to turn away and the thought of letting him leave sparks panic in Sami’s chest, blind and desperate and all-consuming.

His hand shoots forward, wrapping clumsy fingers around Kevin’s shoulder like Sami has been fantasising about between heartbeats, and Kevin freezes mid-motion, his face turned away from Sami, but his skin warm underneath Sami’s palm. “It’s not”, Sami forces out between gritted teeth, every muscle pulled taut with the effort of keeping himself from flinging his body at Kevin and finding out if the other will catch him. “It’s not too late. It never was.”

A moment passes, then another, and Sami doesn’t dare to breathe, doesn’t dare to blink, terrified of what would happen if he had just misunderstood, but then Kevin turns around. There is something raw in his eyes, and Sami suddenly realises that he has seen this look before, on the road between badly paid wrestling gigs; in tiny, filthy motel rooms; right before Kevin had slammed his head against the apron, turning triumph into pain; splayed out on the floor with their hands still clasped together, Shane’s body colliding with a table mere feet away from them. Something inside of him breaks, shatters, spills, and it feels like joy, feels like love, feels like coming home.  

Around them, the world has started spinning again, but Sami ignores it, just like he would ignore anything else; nothing matters as long as Kevin’s eyes are on him, his lips parted ever so slightly, his cheeks flushed. “I never knew-“, Sami starts, but doesn’t know how to continue; he doesn’t have to, because a smile breaks out across Kevin’s face, as rare as it is precious, a benediction Sami isn’t sure he deserves. “And I thought I was being so obvious”, Kevin tells him, the words tinted with incredulous laughter, and Sami loves him, has loved him, will love him, not as long as Kevin will have him, but as long as he lives. “So did I.”

He’s grinning, Sami notices a few seconds too late, lips stretched so wide it hurts, but there is nothing he can do against it, not when Kevin is grinning, too. It’s too much just to look at him, to see his usually closed off features so open, all the mistrust replaced by what Sami hopes is just a fraction of the happiness he feels, and yet, it’s not enough. His hand is still on Kevin’s shoulder, skin pressed against skin, and Sami pulls even while he steps forward, the two of them colliding somewhere in the middle. Kevin is warm and solid against Sami’s chest, smelling like shampoo and a brighter future as he wraps strong arms around him. They move together like they have done a thousand times before, limbs intertwining until Sami’s face is pressed into the crook of Kevin’s neck, breathing half formed confessions against the other’s skin as he basks in the familiarity of it, in the brand-new implications.

Kevin’s fingers trail up his spine, leaving Sami’s skin tingling; he allows his own to brush across the back of Kevin’s head, playing with the short hair, the hem of Kevin’s shirt. He could stay like this forever, not moving, not thinking, just feeling like he is finally back where he belongs. “How long?”, Kevin finally asks; some time has passed, but the only reason Sami knows it hasn’t been hours is that the sun has not yet risen. His voice is muffled from where his mouth is pressed against Sami’s shoulder, his breath hot even through his clothes, and the thought is enough to make Sami shiver. “I don’t know”, he replies truthfully, shuffles even closer, because if he could, he’d meld the both of them together, make it impossible for Kevin to leave again. “Always.” “Yeah”, Kevin mutters, and Sami can feel him smile. “Same.”

Again, a moment passes, but this one seems as quick as lightning, as a heartbeat, then Sami wrenches his head away from the safety, the warmth of Kevin’s neck so he can take a look at his face. It’s the same one he has all but grown up with, the face he has left bloody and blushing, smiling and scowling, the face he has fallen in love with against all odds, against all reason. Bright eyes and soft cheeks and a smile on Kevin’s lips that Sami knows, but hasn’t seen in what feels like a lifetime. It’s always been this, always been them, Sami realises as he brings a hand up to cup Kevin’s jaw, dragging his thumb across the other’s mouth, trying to learn its shape before he leans in, kisses him for the very first time. And maybe it won’t change much, not in the grand scheme of things, but right now, right here, it changes everything.

[dexi-green]

Rise of Skywalker was good. Rant/Appreciation, spoilers ahead. Super long and rambling. This is all personal opinion, if you disliked it, thats fine. If you disagree, great.

First some quick points, then the longer stuff.

I loved Babu Frik and D-O

We finally got to see the Knights of Ren in action!

Also all those Star Destroyers?? Like those things are gotdamn huge... and that many of them? Actually scary honestly.

LANDO LANDO LANDO! LANDO AND CHEWIE IN THE FALCON!!

WEDGE!!!

CHEWIE GETS HIS MEDAL!!!

Also not gonna lie.. I wanted to see a gungan. Put some respect on Jar Jar. Or confirm the Darth Jar Jar theory you cowards.

We got to see a proper version of Rey’s version of Luke’s Dark Side cave vision (The TLJ one just wasn’t it for me. The mirrors..okay...)

Storm Troopers fly now... Did they steal stuff from some Mandalorians. Mandalorians are like..the only ones ever to have jet packs like that (that I’m aware of). Maybe the Mandalorian show will see some leftover imperials stealing Mandalorian armor, which they will replicate (obviously badly, because there stuff is no beskar).

I was so happy to see the interactions between Leia and Connix, because I just loved to see Billie with her mom <3 I’m so glad they gave her a role and just kept expanding it.

Hux... I love the back and forth between him and General Pryde, (I was hoping Richard E Grant would’ve played Thrawn but alas...) wondering who the mole is, and OF COURSE ITS HUX! Because he just wants to see Kylo lose. We love it.. I’m kinda sad he was taken out so quick, but it was good while it lasted.

How they tried to push Poe into some kind of.. not relationship, but not too subtlety trying to tell the audience, no he’s not gay, in like...just a bad writing way, like okay gosh, he’s straight (Also Poe was a drug runner...). That LGBTQ “representation” was trash, but definitely better than Endgame’s so-called representation.

I also wished we woulda got more (legacy) cameos, especially in the final battle when all the ships arrive. Maybe the Ghost Crew (I think you can see the ship though), or a character from the Mandalorian show (I was hoping for more tie-in’s in general (baby yoda), but The Mandalorian did sorta set up the force healing ability). My foolish soul was hoping for a super old old clone or a super old and scarred up Mace Windu, or just super old Ahsoka, but this film 100% confirmed no going back that they are totally dead with their voices amongst the other dead jedi :/ I can’t have everything and thats alright. I’m just glad they were in there in some capacity.

JJ has said that the thing Finn was going to tell Rey was that he was force sensitive (none of the good ships flew sadly imo) but that is still...amazing to me. I love it so much. Especially with that exchange between him and Han in TFA “We’ll use the force.” “That’s not how the force works.”. Hopefully he got or gets the chance to tell Rey because then she could train him and <3 Also I think that now makes it go back to no non-force sensitive people have used a lightsaber in the films (aside from Grievous). I loved the inclusion of Jannah and the other storm trooper deserters. Not only because of the kinship with Finn, but also... They are on a moon of Endor... So moon of the Endor system inhabitants, with slightly primitive techniques and tools and things come to help in the final battle? I love it. Putting some respeck on the Ewoks (also we see Ewoks?!?! Specifically Wickett <3) (Also I noticed a Fire, Water, Earth theme. The final battle in the prequels was in fire/lava. The final battle in the original trilogy was on the forest moon of endor, and while not the final battle, Kef Bir is the ocean moon of endor)

Palpatine doing what we all knew he was, using bodies to live through. I mean thats why he always had apprentices, just so he could skip over to them when his body got gross and weak, or at the very least work through them. I definitely wanna know more about the whole Snoke operation. We knew it was insane for some rando to be that powerful to be whispering and seducing Ben to the dark side from birth. And the cloning? like please, tell me more. I loved Palpatine’s exclamation of “Return of the Sith!” as an obvious nod to the films Return of the Jedi and Revenge of the Sith, but also the fact Return was going to be Revenge of the Jedi.

I LOVE LOVEDDDD the small scene of Luke training Leia. Yeah the CGI on their faces wasn’t the best but just being able to see it and knowing that he did go forward and train her as well as other students was everything to me. I’ve always wanted Leia’s force abilities to be more acknowledged outside of the comics, so you know I went crazy in the scene from TLJ (for multiple reasons). Leia training Rey?! Rey referring to her (and Luke) as her jedi masters?! we love to see it <3 Rey going back to Tatooine, back to the moisture farm (I could just hear Aunt Beru calling out for Luke (but also him calling for her and uncle owen when they got disintegrated..oop)). Calling herself a Skywalker, AND SEEING LUKE AND LEIA’S FORCE GHOST!! WE LOVE TO SEE IT (but hate it because it’s the end). THE TWIN SUNS AS THE SAGA ENDS WHERE IT BEGAN!!

The voices of the Jedi at the end?!? I cried. I mean there was Anakin, Obi-Wan (both old and young), Qui Gon, Mace Windu, Yoda, and Luke of course, but also Aaayla Secura, Luminara, Adi Gallia, KANAN JARRUS (who is voice by Freddie Prinze Jr. aka the best Fred Scooby Doo could ask for) , AHSOKA TANO!!! Nothing I want more than more Ahsoka <3 I would’ve loved to see them all show up as Force Ghosts at the end ala the ghosts of Harry’s family in Harry Potter Goblet of Fire/Deathly Hallows but I understand why they opted for voices only. Also no Ki-Adi-Mundi because while everyone was saying, “Rey, You can do it! We are with you!” he just woulda been like, “But...what about the droid attack on the wookiees?”

Han!! Han!! When he appeared to Kylo, after Leia pulled him back as much as she could, and Rey healed him and inched him further, and then of course, Han finished the job. Leia asked him to bring him back and he did in the end. The person he seemingly hated the most (maybe thats tied with Luke. I honestly would’ve liked to see some kinda of thing between Luke and Ben, some reconciliation). The famous Solo “I know” which we all know means I love you. like come onnnnn <3 AND Ben and Leia’s bodies becoming one with the force... but Leia only after Ben... like she was holding on, waiting for him <3 This really made me like Ben/Kylo a bit more, obviously the light side Ben more, because Kylo is actual trash imo.

I cried when Chewie cried for Leia. Her death was sad on it’s own, but Chewie just broke me. He had a happy family, then Ben went bad, Han and Leia split, and Luke left, then when he thinks everything is coming back together, He lost Han, then he lost Luke, now Leia? If you actually watch him he just collapses to the ground, throwing his arms, sobbing... AND HAVING TO SEE HIM IN SHACKLES!?!? And not like “oh we gotta trick these guards” but actually captured and shackled, After all the wookiees being captured and enslaved and he how he had to deal with that...come on man....

I cried when Luke pulled his X-wing out of the water. We all saw it submerged in TLJ, waiting for that moment when someone would do it. The fact that he does it, when he couldn’t back when it happened on Dagobah. It shows how much he’s grown, showed him stepping into Yoda’s role even more fully. He never got to leave that island in it, but Rey did. Plus Rey wearing his Rebel helmet like she wore the helmet in TFA?! Honestly... Two “nobodies” from nowhere sand planets who become the hope and saviors of the galaxy (you could include Anakin in that as well, but he just...kinda sparked the hope in Luke and was his savior so...indirectly the hope and savior).

The only thing I didn't like was the Ben and Rey kiss at the end but luckily it wasn't drawn out and he died right after. Cause you really expect me to believe that within the same movie of him pushing her to her limits and making her believe she killed a friend that she gone be like...oh but you still cute tho?  Also while re-watching everything and watching the prequels last month I remembered how Palpatine influenced the midichlorians/force to make Anakin in Shmi (it might not be canonized though, I’m not sure...). Obviously he’s not a biological father but...he is responsible...so that in a way makes him Kylo's grandfather in a sense. Rey is Sheev’s biological granddaughter so...big yikes. To me Kylo/Ben and Rey have a much better dynamic as brother and sister anyway.. I think a brother and sister bond suit them so much better. A rhyme of Luke and Leia, and the forged sibling bond between Obi-Wan and Anakin. It has pieces of both and would have been beautiful for it to play out that way. About Rey pulling her family in Ben Solo back to the light. I mean she even thought of Han, Leia, and Luke as parental figures... but luke and leia kissed so :/  guess just a family thing. 

Running themes in all of star wars is hope, family, and who you are. In this, the prequels were the darkest. They end in a family divided, hope seemingly lost, and giving into the worst parts of yourself. The original trilogy was about finding the hope in the darkest times, becoming more than you think of yourself, and that family can overcome anything together. This trilogy was about clinging onto hope that you can find and making it a beacon for others, becoming more than what you and others think of you, "subverting destiny", and the fact that family isn't blood, not always. Just because someone tells you you're a monster, just because you started to believe it, doesn't mean you are. Once you have hope you hold onto it with everything you have, no matter how many times you fail or slip.

Rey being a Palpatine isn't "the bad guys bloodline living while the good guys die out". It isn't about bloodlines. Sure Kylo and Vader's terrible deeds will live on in infamy, but so will the entire rebellion's. Instead of being like, "oh well by blood I'm a Palpatine so I gotta use that last name" she made a conscious choice to go by Skywalker, because of what the Skywalker family meant to her and the galaxy, so that their deeds live on and not Palpatine. He will become a bad memory, a scar on history, while Skywalker’s, the positive idea of them, will continue to live and spark hope year and years into the future. Her blood isn't tainted and her grandfathers nature isn't hers, if it was she really would be the empress on the sith throne after Palpatine's death. She would've took Kylo's hand and offers before. Its the same with Kylo. He succumbed to what Rey was actively fighting against. Its the idea its harder to be good than bad.

Palpatine's bloodline living on means nothing unless Rey decided to make it mean something. But she didn't. As far as I'm concerned the only thing the bloodline might've impacted is her connection to the force and how strong it was naturally (like Kylo because of Leia (maybe Han..debatable, i like to believe he’s a little force sensitive) and her and Luke's connection to it because of Anakin). Her parents also actively fought against Palpatine as far as we know, Luke and Leia fought against Vader like... To say oh your parent was like this so you are gonna turn out the same? Yikes. Also Finn and the other stormtrooper deserters? Literally brainwashed from such a young age to be killers but they said no? It seems like the theme was you can fight against your destiny or like Yoda said about the future being hard to see because its constantly moving so "destiny" is kinda just a trash idea, be who you are or the person you want to be, not what others tell you.

Also I see some people saying it destroyed Anakin's legacy, and I have to disagree. To the fan's Anakin's legacy was never killing Palpatine. Sure that was the action, but the act was saving Luke. It was coming back from the dark to the light to save his son and in a way, the rest of the galaxy, at least for a time, it was betraying his master. It was the why he did it, not the how. Not only did he save Luke's life, but he fueled Luke to go forward and continue down the path of hope and light as long as he could. Anakin's true legacy lives on in Luke and Leia and the Rebellion. Palpatine's return doesn't diminish Anakin's sacrifice. Because it wasn’t about just destroying Palpatine. Anakin/Vader's thoughts went to Padme and Luke, and the prophecy of bringing balance, he knew he had to do something. When Luke takes off his helmet when Anakin is dying he thinks, “The boy was good, and the boy had come from him–so there must have been good in him, too. He smiled up again at his son, and for the first time, loved him. And for the first time in many long years, loved himself again, as well.” (coming from the novelization of Return). As long as Luke lived, and Luke's legacy lives on, so does Anakin's and so does Anakin’s return to the light. Anakin's legacy and impact, the good and the bad, will continue. Maybe the people of that galaxy won't know of the person named Anakin compared to sith lord Darth Vader, but his impact will always be there.

Yeah they aren’t always the most perfectly written stories with the best effects and yadda yadda, I know there are some missteps and less then stellar things in this films, but they are here to entertain, and I’m entertained. There is probably so much I’m missing, and I really want to go see it again, and can’t wait till it’s out on DVD or streaming services... 

It was a beautiful film that did the best it could to end a saga thats bigger than anything ever, thats been going on for years, something that is unheard of and never been done. I just want to honor the history, the memory, and the work it all took. I just love these films so much. <3 Also, always remembering Carrie, Peter M. and Peter C., Christoper, and Kenny, and all other actors and crew who have passed who lent their time and effort to all of these films and this entire franchise <3 

[florrickandassociates]

TGF Thoughts: 2x04-- Day 429 (1)

If TGF can do two episodes in one, I can do two recaps for one episode. This recap covers Liz’s part of the ep.

The episode begins on a promising note, informing the audience that there will be two chapters: Liz’s Case and Lucca’s Case. One second in, and it’s already apparent that this episode will be (a) innovative and (b) focused on Liz and Lucca.

I have a feeling I’ve heard the Kings talk before (like, season 5/season 6) about wanting to do an episode like this. Does anyone else recall this? At any rate, I’m glad the writers have TGF to experiment a little more with structure. And I think this particular structure works better on Fight (an ensemble show) than it would have on Wife (a show with one lead).

After we’re informed we’re going to be watching “Liz’s Case” first, we see a sheet of paper with ABC written on it. Jay is running active shooter training with some of the members of the firm, including all of the name partners, Lucca, and Maia (who doesn’t get a seat at the table). This is both timely and a good way of furthering the KILL ALL LAWYERS fears without hitting you over the head with it. (This episode, in general, is light on the KILL ALL LAWYERS stuff, as well as on Trump commentary. There’s just enough to remind the viewer that it’s still weighing on everyone, especially Diane.) A delivery man barges in, making a loud noise and spooking everyone. Yep: they’re definitely still on edge. (A little goes a long way: these are the kind of details I love.)

Also, I appreciate that Jay is running the training. Last week I was impressed/surprised he knew how to deal with the ricin scare, and now I’m assuming that office safety is part of his job (or something he’s volunteer to help with).

Marissa walks in and whispers something to Lucca; we don’t hear what it is.

Someone asks a question over the phone. It’s Liz, but it’s impossible to tell since the connection is terrible. This is relatable. I don’t even want to know how much time I’ve lost at work waiting for clients to figure out how to improve their phone connections.

Liz’s connection is terrible because she’s in the car. And why is she in the car? Because she’s taking her son (!!!) to a doctor’s appointment. I’m so glad the writers didn’t forget about Liz’s son. There aren’t enough parents in The Good Verse.

Liz drops her son off at school, where she learns that his favorite teacher has been fired. They let him go in the middle of the year? Sorry. Not the point.

Liz jumps into action as she heads into work, getting on the phone with the principal and explaining that this teacher was one of the few who was able to get through to her son. Liz walks past Lucca and we see a brief snippet of what’s going on with Lucca before going back to Liz. (Can’t remember if it was at this point or slightly later I realized we were going to get info on what was happening with Lucca, but whenever I had that realization I had to pause the TV because I was so excited about the idea. One could say I liked this episode.)

Liz points out to the (white) principal that the fired teacher was one of few people of color at the school. “Our push for diversity is renowned,” responds the principal. Hm.

Speaking of diversity, before I forget to mention it, after last week I was worried about TGF centering itself on its white leads and becoming too enamored with Marissa. This episode focuses on Liz and Lucca, and while this focus is a little overdue, it does make me hopeful that TGF understands that its black characters are also leads, and that an episode can focus on two black women. That’s especially important for the show to do after it pretty much traded Barbara for Liz.

(I’m still so conflicted on the lack of Barbara. On the one hand, the writers seem to have a great grasp on Liz and they did not understand how to write Barbara at all. But I don’t like calling it a good move to get rid of Barbara, because if they’d just written her character well and given her consistent development, if her fourth episode also showed her POV (ok, fine, her fourth episode was actually the most Barbara-centric one but it wasn’t like this) and expanded what we knew about her life, then maybe I wouldn’t be writing something right now about how the writers had to write her out. I’m a broken record about this, I know, but it doesn’t seem fair to praise the writing for Liz when I know the only reason we have Liz is because the writers failed Barbara/Erica.)

“Yes, I’ve heard about your push quite a bit at the school assemblies,” Liz tells the principal (like she already thought the school wasn’t doing enough…). She also says she thinks they’ll be in touch, since at this point she knows she’s going to try to help the teacher keep his job.

Lucca asks Jay to help her with something; he agrees. As she walks off, Liz approaches him. Now that Jay’s helping Lucca, he doesn’t have time to help Liz, so Marissa jumps in. Liz is reluctant but she goes along with it.

In an informal meeting of the name partners in Diane’s office, Adrian explains that they’ve had lots of cancellations for their party. “The lawyer killings. Our chemical scare,” Diane understands. (Um, why would these people have RSVP’d yes in the first place? The party wasn’t thought up before the chemical scare. It’s what Adrian talks to Diane about at the end of Day 422.)

“I say ‘fuck it,’” Diane responds. “You’ve been saying that a lot lately,” Liz comments. Indeed she has. “Making up for lost time,” Diane winks at the camera. She doesn’t, but, like, come on. This line is extremely meta.

Diane then swivels in her chair and stares Liz down. It’s kind of comical-- not because it’s silly, but because Diane really doesn’t give a fuck and she doesn’t care who knows it.

Adrian picks up on the tension and asks Diane what’s going on after Liz exits. Diane laughs and answers a call on her laptop instead of responding.

It’s Kurt! He’s away on a trial somewhere, sitting in a hotel room. To be completely honest with you, I didn’t remember where Diane and Kurt’s relationship stood. I assumed from the fact that Diane was alone and microdosing they were separated. I also believed this was a pretty safe guess based on the seven years of Alicia/Peter relationship limbo we had to endure in TGW. These writers have never met a separation they didn’t want to prolong until the absolute last minute possible.

And indeed, even though Diane and Kurt were on good terms in 1x10, they’re still “giving it time.” Then the connection breaks up (‘cause miscommunication and technology being unreliable are THEMES this week) and Kurt thinks Diane said the separation is over. Diane closes the laptop instead of attempting to call back. I dunno, I feel like if I was in the middle of a convo like that I’d call back on a cell phone, send a text, something…?

Now the teacher is in Liz’s office and she’s offering to represent him in arbitration. “You are the only teacher to break through Malcolm’s shell,” she explains. She continues by saying that she’s always advised to put him in private school, “but if everybody abandons the public school system, it’ll implode.” Yes, thank you, Liz! (Also, I see why you didn’t get along with Alicia. I’m sure Alicia would also say she supports public schools but, um, she wouldn’t send her own children there unless she absolutely had to. And Liz would find that hypocritical.) 

Liz then calls in Maia. That’s right. Maia is working! THANK GOODNESS. Maia has almost nothing to do this ep, and the little that she has to do is work. Yay!!!

Malcolm’s public school is a charter school, which is… not exactly what springs to mind when I think of “believing in the public school system.” I was a bit surprised the writers didn’t delve into this, especially since other than a few mentions about the threat of unionization, it doesn’t really matter that it’s a charter. And charter schools are their own can of worms.

Elsbeth barges in (HELLO!!!) and only Maia recognizes her. She’s in the wrong place-- she’s looking for Lucca-- so she compliments Liz’s jacket and leaves.

Marissa goes to the school and pretends to be the mother of a second grader. She rambles a bit too much about her TOTALLY REAL husband, but it works. Marissa makes a vaguely racist comment to try to get a teacher to make an explicitly racist comment. She doesn’t get that, but she does get an explanation for why Mr. Coulson (Malcolm’s fave teacher) was let go: he’s gay.

Arbitration begins, and Nancy Crozier is representing the school. Seems she’s on the PTA. So… she has a kid?! I guess that doesn’t surprise me, but now I’m curious about the personal lives of all the recurring characters.

When it comes out that the principal had fired a teacher from her previous school (a Catholic school) because he was gay, we immediately get a reaction shot where Maia’s visible. It’s not Sad Puppy Owen from 4x09, but it’s just a little thing that clues us in to how Maia’s feeling.

The school used an algorithm to decide which teachers to fire so there would be no bias. Maia jumps in with the counterargument before I can scream it at my screen: “All algorithms are pointless unless they are based on good data.” Absolutely. An algorithm is not inherently objective.

I know I am now nitpicking stock footage (would you expect anything else from me?) but in this stock footage of Chicago it is Christmastime (see the red and green lights on the buildings) but in the show it is March.

Also, not at all the point, but one of the buildings in the stock footage now has a huge TRUMP sign on it so I am going to headcanon that Diane (and the others) have to walk past it every day, multiple times, ‘cause I think that’s fitting.

Now we’re at the poorly-attended RBL office party. There’s a lot of champagne and very few people. There are 18 non-RBL people there; Colin Morello makes 19.  

I still don’t get why Colin has to be a series regular, but I do like that the writers are making full use of the fact that he and Liz used to be coworkers. They chat about work for a few seconds until Colin sees Lucca through the glass walls (so! helpful!) with a man. He instantly gets jealous.

Guests 20 and 21 arrive. They’re the algorithm boys from last season. One of them hates a lot of things, including swearing. And, apparently, elevators. What he does like, though, is Marissa. Adrian refers to Marissa by name and as an investigator, which I’m sure would make Marissa happy if she knew about the interaction.

Diane and Liz chat at the bar. Liz asks for advice on dealing with Nancy Crozier, but Diane sees right through it: “This is a thing you do, isn’t it? You ask for advice in order to ingratiate yourself.” Probably true.

“You know, your ‘fuck it’ mode is starting to feel more like ‘fuck you’ mode,” Liz responds. What powers of observation you have, Liz! It’s almost like Diane walked into your office last week, said “fuck you” and left! Oh, wait…

(Also, Liz is wrong. It was Liz’s response to Diane’s ‘fuck it’ mode that made Diane angry enough to say ‘fuck you.” What’s Liz’s endgame?)

“Just appreciating your style,” Diane responds. “I’m just doing my job,” Liz says. Uh-huh. It’s her job to drink with Diane, pretend to ask for advice (ooh, it is a pattern), and then report back to Adrian? “And using what I confide in you to undercut me?” Diane counters. Liz sighs. “Look, I thought Adrian already knew you were thinking of leaving. That’s all,” she explains. Um. Does that track? I thought Liz approached Adrian about bringing on a new partner and told him about Diane, but she could be telling the truth. I am going through Day 415 to see exactly what Liz said, and omg, now I have to watch the Rindell nonsense again and it’s just highlighting how great Day 429 is. The All Access player really needs a 10 second skip feature.

Ok, Liz DOES tell Adrian “She never said anything to you?” so it’s possible that she was trying to be proactive about a situation, not trying to undercut Diane. The whole thing where she suggested Diane take time off and then told Adrian that Diane requested that time… not sure how to spin that one. But best case scenario here is that Liz is just blunt and didn’t mean anything against Diane. A girl can dream, right?

Diane says “it’s more fun to go at each other” in response to Liz, and nope, NOPE. 100% disagree. It is far more fun to watch them be friends. This plot is not fun and I spend every second it’s on screen trying to figure out a way to interpret seemingly malicious actions as benevolent. So… yeah. Sorry, Diane. It’s more fun for you to be friends. And you seem like you could use a friend right now. (Did Diane lose all her friends?)

Diane does offer Liz advice on dealing with Nancy: “She plays at being the nice girl while being tough. She’s good. But her rhythm is thrown off by objections.” The first part, definitely (I’m shocked that still works for her). The second part, is that a thing we’ve seen before?

Elsbeth arrives at the party and Diane’s excited to see her. Who wouldn’t be excited to see Elsbeth? Elsbeth is the best.

Elsbeth doesn’t seem to understand why the offices don’t have furniture (answer: they do; it’s been put in storage for the party). But she doesn’t spend too long wondering, because Diane asks her to sit down and compliments her dress. That’s right: Diane compliments Elsbeth’s wardrobe.

“Ooh! What do you think they’re talking about?” Elsbeth remarks when she sees Lucca spit out her drink. And then things get meta.

“It’s weird,” Elsbeth says. “We’re just the background characters to their story.”

“And they’re just the background characters to our story,” Diane points out.

“And we’re all just background characters to his story,” Elsbeth says, speaking of the bartender. “He could be the hero, and we could be the villains of the story.”

“Or we’re the heroes, and he’s the villain,” Diane spins. “That’s what keeps us humble. Not knowing,” Elsbeth says. “Or paranoid,” Diane counters.

I love this exchange. Is it incredibly on the nose? Is it an all caps Thesis Statement for the episode? Is it one of the least subtle things I’ve ever seen? Is it as obvious about the point it’s making as I am being right now, saying the same thing four times? Hell yes, it is. Is it still great? Yep.

The show is poking fun at itself, Elsbeth is exactly the kind of character that would start talking like this, and I totally believe that Diane would be game for this kind of conversation given her state of mind. It fits to have Diane thinking about these things-- even if only while making small talk with Elsbeth-- when she’s already questioning so much.

(I also like how every time Elsbeth suggests something that would have negative implications for Diane’s view of herself-- that she’s a background character, that she’s a villain-- Diane recenters the narrative. I am not sure that Diane’s doing it on purpose, but, uh, she is used to seeing herself as the hero.) (I don’t mean that as a negative thing! Just an observation!)

Diane turns the conversation even darker, because Elsbeth is a surprisingly good confidant: “You know, last week, I was walking down the street, and there was this homeless man digging for bottles in the trash and yelling at the top of his voice about the president and the country and how we’re all going insane. And I realized: that’s what my inner monologue sounds like. And that when I decided. I’ve got to change.” “To what?” “To someone who’s not going crazy.”

Well. There’s a lot going on there. As seems to be the theme for Diane this season, she’s feeling what everyone else is, but taking it one step farther.

Elsbeth doesn’t know how to react, so she compliments Diane. Then she compliments Diane’s necklace, and Diane gives it to her, along with her belt.. I… don’t know that I like this. It’s cute, but it seems so off-kilter it also worries me.

“I never thought you liked me, Diane,” Elsbeth says. “Hey, you know what? That’s my fault,” Diane admits. That’s sweet!

I don’t know what to make of this scene as a whole. Part of me thinks it’s a nice little Diane/Elsbeth moment where Diane’s No Fucks Given policy allows her to connect with a peer. A bigger part is worried that this scene might look like a warning sign (for what, I don’t know) once we get a little farther into the season.

I don’t get why this Colin/Lucca scene is here, in Liz’s story, right after a scene Liz also isn’t in. I understand that we have to see it before we know what’s going on for the story to work, but something (in editing, writing, or directing) could’ve been done here so this didn’t stand out. Also, Lucca invited Colin to the party, knowing she was pregnant and he was the father, but she has no plans of telling him he’s the father? Alrighty then.

And now for a third Liz-free scene in Liz’s section of the show (this one is, at least, related to her case). Marissa and Maia head down to the 22nd, where everyone’s talking and dancing and there’s music blasting. It is a much more exciting scene than the 23rd. But Marissa and Maia don’t join the party: instead, they discuss algorithms.

Nancy, who has now practiced law in Chicago for 8 full years, literally says “I’m just a small-town girl from Michigan.” I’m going to take that as a shout-out to the fans.

Liz’s son is throwing a ball against the wall, repeatedly, and driving Lucca crazy. She tells him it’s annoying. And because Lucca as a Parent is a THEME, we get to see Lucca interacting with a child (and, of course, Lucca’s reactions to her interactions with a child).

“And would you consider state-mandated testing to be a subjective data point?” the mediator asks. I don’t know if I would call it subjective but I would call it a terrible metric! (But I’m ahead of the episode. The minute I heard state-mandated testing I was ready to rant about testing practices and the costs of teaching to a test. I’m a little shocked that Liz didn’t go there immediately.)

Lucca dared Malcolm to make something out of paperclips, and now he’s totally caught up in crafting a paperclip zombie. Awww. My favorite detail about this scene is that Liz picks up a paperclip to help her son with his project, even as she’s still thinking about her case.

Liz realizes something: Malcolm’s score on the state-mandated test went down when he had a better teacher. He got a 92 last year, and a 73 this year. I assume those are percentages, not percentiles? I don’t recall much about these exams, but aren’t these sorts of things usually scored by percentile and not accuracy? Oh, my God, why do I care?

Tbh, this is just making me really grateful for my own education. I didn’t get a single letter grade or percentage based grade until I was 10 or 11 (maybe on a math test before that?), and grades didn’t “count” until 6th grade. We also weren’t ever assigned homework until 3rd grade. I have some complaints about my (private) elementary school, but I think that system worked well. We could learn without the fear of failing an exam. And while I’m sure I would’ve done just fine if I’d had grades when I was a kid (I love structure and I always have), I bet it really helped the kids who don’t test well.

What I’m saying is, and I’m probably preaching to the choir, teaching to a test, particularly a state-mandated standardized test that will determine staffing and funding, is a terrible idea. It doesn’t help the kids learn, it requires teachers to spend time on lessons that may not be as beneficial to their students in the long-run as something that builds critical thinking skills, and it encourages teachers to lie and cheat to keep their jobs.

Liz, Marissa, and Maia get to work going through the exams from the last few years. Maia spots the eraser marks. Of course there are eraser marks.

I wonder how many of the characters on this show (and on TGW) went to public school. My guess is that the list is pretty short.

The cheating teacher denies that she cheated. She claims the students just realized their mistake at the last minute. All of them. Repeatedly. It’s ridiculous, and Maia’s pretty persuasive. (Yay, Maia!) They still need to find proof, but it’s obvious they’re on the right track.

Kurt is in Diane’s office with some roses. Marissa texts Diane “Where r u? Kurt’s here!!” AGAIN WITH THE “WHERE R U”! Marissa would not write like that on an iPhone!!

Marissa asks Kurt, the ballistics expert, if he knows any eraser forensic experts. Not a dumb question, because such people exist! Even if Liz/Maia/Marissa end up with the wrong expert witness initially (they grab Lucca’s witness instead), eraser forensic experts exist!  

I don’t understand Maia’s wardrobe. I cannot find the words to describe her style.

When it becomes clear beyond a doubt that the tests were tampered with, all Nancy wants to know is if she can see her daughter’s test.

Liz tells Mr. Coulson the good news, but… it’s too late. He’s accepted a position at a private school that will pay more. “I still believe in public schools,” he says as he leaves. Ah, a TGW (TGF) victory.

As Liz contemplates her next move, she sees Malcolm and Lucca sharing a sweet moment. Aww.

[glitteryyouthstudentworld]

Regular followers of my blog and Twitter account will be aware of what an incredible year I have had. There have been some fine highlights along the way: A guest of Dr Lewis Owens’ at two events. One was at the residence of the Lebanese Ambassador; where I not only met Terry Waite but also John McCarthy and former captain of England, the legend and all-round top bloke Tony Adams.

Then the second was at the Royal Academy of Music where I was invited to collect a St. Martin’s Lifetime achievement award on behalf of former Colombian presidential hopeful Ingrid Betancourt. I would happily bump into Tony Adams once again as he collected his own St. Martin’s Award for his excellent service to mental health and addiction.

And, we were also joined at the Royal Academy by my good friend Jose Aguiar, a man of inspiration within the education department of HMP Pentonville.

Jose is also responsible for a few highlights as he invited me into Pentonville to speak to the guys at their celebration of success event. This event Jose and his team put on for those who have achieved within education.

  There was the recording of ‘The Secret Life of Prisons’ where 4 episodes of the prison process were recorded as podcasts by the Prison Radio Association and Prison Reform Trust. I was involved with episode 2 ‘The Cell’. Episode 1 is ‘The Arrival’, episode 3 is ‘The Visit’ and episode 4 is ‘The Release’. The link above takes you to episode 2, you’ll also find the other episodes within. I was shocked when I was asked if I would take part in a Radio 4 programme, Law in Action, presented by Joshua Rozenberg to be a guest on his show along with Paula Harriot, Phil Maguire and Brenda aka Lady P from Unchained Poetry. I mean, me, on Radio 4. Who’d have thought it?  

Right at the beginning of the year, I had the pleasure of joining up with Kate and Nina at Bird Podcast but this time at a live event that they successfully put on. I am also proud to say that Kate and Nina were recently the winners for ‘Outstanding digital media ‘ at the criminal justice alliance awards last month (November 2019).

Reppin’ ‘Our Thing’ on tour.

Kate and Nina with their award

  Another, surreal, this time, highlight came when I was asked to speak at the Magistrate’s Association AGM. Felt quite strange speaking to those I once spoke to on a stage with a screen and microphone, rather than from the dock where I affirmed my lies and not by swearing on the bible. In fact, I even began my talk with “I wasn’t sure whether to write a speech or prepare a defence statement”.

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  And of course, there was the publication of ‘A Father’s Son’ what I hope to be my first of many books. A former prisoner, kicked out of school, now a published author.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Fathers-Son-David-Breakspear-ebook/dp/B07XBGLL18/ref=tmm_kin_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1575533458&sr=8-1

The only way to separate the next from being my ultimate years’ highlight is by chronologically separating them. They have different reasons. I mean, how could speaking at the House of Commons not be right up there, plus the fact it was for Shannon Trust. My experience that day can be read here A Day to Remember. Then, there was my appearance at the home of The Open University in Milton Keynes on the red dot of the Tedx stage. It was a difficult day to enjoy at the time, but looking back it was such an incredible experience. Fortunately, the video of my talk has now been uploaded to YouTube.

  If you like my final gig of the year was actually a set of three. The More Than Words conferences 2019 for Shannon Trust. We began in Leeds, then Birmingham and the final conference was in London on the 3rd of December. I have to admit that the first one in Leeds being my real first opportunity of publically thanking Shannon Trust was more akin to Olivia Coleman’s speech at the Oscars. A few tissues were needed, by me that is. My main picture with this blog was taken at the Conference in Birmingham. By the time we got to London, I had everything I needed and wanted to say. I would like to share my full speech from the London conference, as it also contained a special message written by my good friend Mark Leech.

I would like to begin by paying respect to Jack Merritt, Jack very much understood the importance of learning together.

I’m going to read a poem that was written by Mark Leech.  I had asked Mark if I could use it here today, Mark replied saying he would be honoured and added: “perhaps it speaks for many and not just me”.

I can’t say I knew you Jack

but I wish so much I had,

We shared the same unpopular beliefs

seeing good in those, others as brand bad.

Now you’re gone my chance has passed,

but your reputation still stands tall

I really wish I’d met you, Jack

Such a shining example to us all.

RIP Jack.

For those of you who wish to read or locate it later, Mark is on Twitter, where the poem is published, as @prisonsorguk.

So, my section is called ‘What Can be’, however, there is also ‘what was’ and ‘what became’. And it’s at ‘what became’ where I wish to start.

Before I do though, I would like to read another poem, this time one of my own.

‘Listen’ relates to a few transactions that take place in prison, but none more so than the one that takes place between mentor and mentee.

One to one… They meet, maybe across a table.

A soul-less room, wet with tears, thick with pain.

STOP!!!

Please… Just listen, before you fail me.

For a poem is not just sound it is silence as well.

We fail to listen to understand whilst providing rapid response.

The empathetic listening ear changes ways of thinking.

We listen… We learn… of others, hopes, failures, fears and dreams.

Unselfish connections in this absorbed and troubled world.

Unconditional listening, an art form… not achieved by all.

Creating a deeper bond of empathy, the trade begins.

Come quietly into my world and allow me to be me.

Failure comes when ears are closed.

Becoming a Shannon Trust mentor helped me rediscover purpose and led to ‘what become’.

In March 2016 I was nominated for and received a prisoner excellence award for excellent contribution and a positive attitude.

Almost a year later, January 2017, I was once again nominated for and received a prisoner excellence award. This time for excellent contribution and excellent team performance. I had created and was editor, with a team, of a prison magazine.

I have the nomination form from 2016 and would like to share what was said.

On the back of becoming a Shannon Trust mentor, way back when, I also became a listener. In 2016, whilst as a listener once again, a prisoner gave me these two pictures.

A few nights previously he had called me out as a listener and was close to taking his own life. He allowed me to speak, which I did the next day, with a wonderful mental health nurse at HMP Norwich. During a meeting, between the three of us, we drew up a mental health first aid kit. I was honoured he placed me at the top of the list, second on the list was colouring-in, 3rd was fishing and 4th was space. The nurse came back later with some colouring pencils and some pictures taken from a colouring book.

That night he called me out again. However, the following night I heard nothing from him, not the best night’s sleep I’ve had. My worry was unnecessary. At unlock the next morning, he was at my door to give me the pictures. I said to him that he didn’t have to do that, he said he did, because had he not coloured in these two pictures, he doubted if he’d be standing in front of me.

I want to share a case study with you of my very first mentee as a Shannon Trust mentor, but before I do, I would like to share ‘what was’ with you all.

At the age of 8, a period of sexual abuse began. I would never be a victim.

At the age of ten, I contracted meningitis. I would never be a victim.

Also, at the age of ten, I received my first police caution. And so, began my 40-year relationship with the criminal justice system. Already in possession of labels. Some I played up to, some I ignored. I would never be a victim.

I was the youngest of six, three sisters and two brothers.

We shared our parents. We shared the home. I even shared their clothes; However, my experience was an individual one. I would never be a victim.

Just as Mark Twain said, I didn’t let school get in the way of my education, although, being kicked out of the education system at 14 didn’t help.

I soon then found myself on a journey most of you that work in prison will be familiar with.

One from secure unit to prison. From child to adult. I would never be a victim.

It makes you wonder if it takes a village to raise a child, where the hell everyone goes.

My first sentence was 4 months detention centre, HMDC Blantyre House in Kent, it was 1985, I was 15.

I saw in my 16th birthday at HMDC Eastwood Park, near Bristol.

My 17th would be my real coming of age, as a YP on the 4’s B wing HMP Canterbury.

Having said that, I saw in my 18th with a night clockie at HMYCC Dover, 1987 the year of the great hurricane. He had brought me in a little cake with a candle in it. The locked door prevented me from blowing out my candle and having my cake and eating it.

I tried to grow up. In 1990 I got married, had a mortgage. Six months after my marriage, three weeks after my 21st, my mum passed away aged 59 two days before her 60th.

In 2002, I woke up on my 33rd birthday in Runwell psychiatric hospital, Essex.

Anyone getting the sense I don’t like birthdays.

Early 2004, the courts had unknowingly given me my last chance with a combination order which I never saw out before ending up back in prison.

Between 2004 and 2015 I hardly spent time out of prison.

I spent many years taking, then in 2005 I learnt the art of giving back in such a profound, but simple way.

January 2005, I had arrived at HMP Blundeston, a prison I called home on more than one occasion. Once again, I had fitted in. After a few months, I was approached by a prison officer, Dave Banks, who explained this new reading programme to me, where prisoners who can read teach prisoners who can’t read. I was immediately taken with how simple an idea it was, and what a powerful commodity that people who can read held.

So, my life with Shannon Trust began, not just as a mentor but also as a co-ordinator. And as you heard from Debbie earlier, it can change your life. It’s not just about the learners.

Talking of which, I’d now like to share with you what happened with my first mentee, Billy, or Billy the broom as we called him. Only because he kept the wing spotless, best wing cleaner ever our Billy.

One thing I learnt, being a Shannon Trust mentor is just about teaching someone to read. Billy was making great progress, not only was I teaching Billy to read, but I also listened to him, when he wanted to talk that is. Are we not both student and teacher?

“creating a deeper bond of empathy, the trade begins”

“come quietly into my world and allow me to be me”

I was on a visit one day, as was Billy, who had his mum and dad visiting. I noticed his mum get up and speak to an officer. They were both looking in my direction. I saw the prison officer nod and the lady made her way over to me.

As she got closer, I could see tears welling up in her eyes.

“David,” she said, “I’m Billy’s mum and I wanted to come over to say thank you and to give you a hug for helping my son”. I stood and hugged her. She went on to tell me how much receiving a letter from Billy had meant to them. It’s not just about learning to read.

For all I know Billy could’ve written the instructions for changing a plug, but do you know what, to his mum. It was ‘More Than Words’.

You can only imagine how I felt.

I also had an identity, okay, it didn’t help with being institutionalised but it was certainly the catalyst for this reforming man.

It wasn’t until I was homeless, addicted to crack and heroin, that I realised the man I was in prison could be the man I wanted to be in society. I then set about making it happen and stand in front of you today sharing my experiences.

And just think ladies and gentlemen. It all began with a broom, a little red book and aah, bah, ca.

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

                    Reflection – What can be! Regular followers of my blog and Twitter account will be aware of what an incredible year I have had.

[quotespicture]

https://quoteswithpicture.com/70-famous-movie-quotes-from-your-favorite-characters-2019/

70 Famous Movie Quotes From Your Favorite Characters (2019)

Our latest collection of famous movie quotes to help you see life through different perspectives.

Watching movies has many benefits. Movies provoke all kinds of emotions. Watching films can be a thrilling experience that makes you cry, smile, relax, and even help you become aware of your fears.

Besides the entertainment value they bring, movies also help create awareness about various issues in society such as religious animosities and political intolerance.

Moreover, movies can be a great educational resource for students. They’re great for visual learners and they allow students to see life through different perspectives.

After searching the web here are some of the famous movie quotes we could find! We hope you’re inspired, motivated and entertained! Enjoy!

Famous movie quotes from your favorite characters

1.) “Some people can’t believe in themselves until someone else believes in them first.” – Sean Maguire, Good Will Hunting

2.) “It’s only after we’ve lost everything that we’re free to do anything.” – Fight Club, Tyler Durden

3.) It is not our abilities that show what we truly are… it is our choices. – Dumbledore, Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets

4.) “Why are you trying so hard to fit in when you were born to stand out? –  Movie “What a girl wants”

  5.) “Oh yes, the past can hurt. But you can either run from it, or learn from it.” – Rafiki, from The Lion King

6.) “I love you. I am who I am because of you. You are every reason, every hope, and every dream I’ve ever had, and no matter what happens to us in the future, everyday we are together is the greatest day of my life. I will always be yours. – The Notebook

7.) “The truth is… I gave my heart away a long time ago, my whole heart… and I never really got it back. – Reese Witherspoon, Sweet Home Alabama

8.) “The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds. And that’s what you’ve given me. That’s what I’d hoped to give you forever. – Nicholas Sparks, The Notebook

9.) “The greatest thing you’ll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return. – From Moulin Rouge”

10.) “Do, or do not. There is no “”try””. – Yoda

Famous movie quotes that will get you fired up

11.) “I’m scared of everything. I’m scared of what I saw. I’m scared of what I did, of who I am…. and most of all, I’m scared of walking out of this room and never feeling the rest of my whole life the way I feel when I’m with you.” – “Baby” in Dirty Dancing”

12.) “Sometimes I wish I had never met you. Because then I could go to sleep at night not knowing there was someone like you out there. – Good Will Hunting

13.) “Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it. – Ferris, from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off

14.) “Remember those posters that said, “Today is the first day of the rest of your life”? Well, that’s true of every day but one…the day you die.” – American Beauty

15.) “You’re nothing to me until you’re everything.” – “American Hustle

16.) “Every man dies, not every man really lives.” – Braveheart

17.) “The truth is a matter of circumstances, it’s not all things to all people all the time.” – Captain America: The Winter Soldier

18.) “I believe whatever doesn’t kill you, simply makes you…stranger.” – The Dark Knight, The Joker

19.) “When you decide to be something, you can be it.” – Frank Costello, The Departed

20.) “Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. But if you give him a mask, he will tell you the truth.” – The Fifth Estate, Julian Assange

Famous movie quotes that will brighten your day

21.) “Ideals are peaceful. History is violent.” – Don Collier, Fury

22.) “When I despair, I remember that all through history the way of truth and love has always won. There have been tyrants and murderers, and for a time, they can seem invincible, but in the end, they always fall. Think of it, always.” – Gandhi,  Gandhi (1982)

23.) “All those moments will be lost in time… like tears in rain.” – Rutger Hauer, Blade Runner

24.) “A boy’s best friend is his mother.” Anthony Perkins, Psycho

25.) ““Carpe diem. Seize the day, boys. Make your lives extraordinary.” – Robin Williams, Dead Poets Society

26.) “Get busy living, or get busy dying.”  – Andy Dufresne, The Shawshank Redemption

27.) “Hope. It is the only thing stronger than fear. A little hope is effective. A lot of hope is dangerous. A spark is fine, as long as it’s contained.” – President Snow, The Hunger Games

28.) “If you figure a way to live without serving a master, any master, then let the rest of us know, will you? For you’d be the first person in the history of the world.” – Philip Seymour Hoffman, The Master

29.) “Nobody’s perfect.” – Some Like It Hot

Famous movie quotes to help you see life through different perspectives

30.) “Now you’re looking for the secret, but you won’t find it, because of course you’re not really looking. You don’t really want to know. You want to be fooled.” – The Prestige

31.) “To call you stupid would be an insult to stupid people!” – A Fish Called Wanda

32.) “We all want to help one another. Human beings are like that. We want to live by each other’s happiness, not by each other’s misery.” –  Charlie Chaplin, The Great Dictator 

33.) “There’s no place like home.”  The Wizard of Oz

34.) “They may take our lives, but they will never take… our FREEDOM!” – Braveheart

35.) Do, or do not. There is no “try”. – Yoda, Star Wars

36.) Love cannot be found where it doesn’t exist, nor can it be hidden where it truly does. – David Schwimmer, Kissing a Fool

37.) Don’t let anyone ever make you feel like you don’t deserve what you want. – Heath Ledger, 10 Things I Hate About You

Famous movie quotes to entertain and educate

38.) I don’t regret the things I’ve done, but those I did not do. – Empire Records

39.) My momma always said, “Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you’re gonna get.” – Forrest Gump

40.) Don’t ever let somebody tell you you can’t do something, not even me. Alright? You dream, you gotta protect it. People can’t do something themselves, they wanna tell you you can’t do it. If you want something, go get it. Period. – Chris Gardner, The Pursuit of Happyness

41.) To see the world, things dangerous to come to, to see behind walls, to draw closer, to find each other and to feel. That is the purpose of life.” – The Secret Life of Walter Mitty

42.) “All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us.” – Gandalf, Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring

43.) “Great men are not born great, they grow great.” – Mario Puzo, The Godfather

Famous movie quotes to help you reach your full potential

44.) “Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming. What do we do? We swim, swim.” – Dory, Finding Nemo

45.) “What we do in life echoes in eternity.” – Maximus, Gladiator

46.) “Every man dies, but not every man really lives.” – William Wallace, Braveheart

47.) “I know what I have to do now. I’ve got to keep breathing because tomorrow the sun will rise. Who knows what the tide could bring?” – Cast Away

48.) “”Nobody is gonna hit as hard as life, but it ain’t how hard you can hit. It’s how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. It’s how much you can take, and keep moving forward. That’s how winning is done.” – Rocky, Rocky Balboa

Famous movie quotes from award winning films

49.) “You drilled a hole in the dentist?!” – Denise, Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri

50.) “If you were not so stubborn you would make a great queen.” “I would make a great queen because I am stubborn…if that is what I wanted.”—from an exchange between T’Challa and Nakia, Black Panther

51.) “Being human is a condition which requires an anesthetic.” – Freddie Mercury, Bohemian Rhapsody

52.) “Dying for the right cause. It’s the most human thing we can do.” — Freysa, Blade Runner 2049

53.) “Fire. It is a reflection of our own mortality.” – Dean Armitage, Get Out

54.) “When will the lesson be learned! You cannot reason with a tiger when your head is in its mouth!” – Winston Churchill, Darkest Hour

55.) “We Shall Never Surrender.” – Soldier, Dunkirk

56.) “All the courage in the world cannot alter fact.” — Niander Wallace, Blade Runner 2049

57.) “How many times do I have to teach you: just because something works doesn’t mean it can’t be improved.”—Shuri, Black Panther

58.) “So if I’m not black enough and if I’m not white enough, then tell me, Tony, what am I!?” – Don Shirley, Green Book

59.) “Favor is a breeze that shifts direction all the time.” – Harley, The Favourite

60.) “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind.” – Neil Armstrong, First Man

More quotes from famous actors and actresses

61.) “Show me the money!” – Jerry Maguire

62.) “The only failure is not to try”  – George Clooney

63.) “Don’t be afraid to fail. It’s not the end of the world and in many ways it’s the first step toward learning something better and getting better at it” –Jon Hamm

64.) “After many years of self-flagellation, I’ve realized that beating myself up doesn’t get me anywhere”  – Chris Pine

65.) “Your regrets aren’t what you did, but what you didn’t do. So I take every opportunity”  – Cameron Diaz

66.) “I’ve come across many actors like me who didn’t have a backup. That drive & will made it work”  – Clive Owen

67.) “I say luck is when an opportunity comes along and you’re prepared for it”  – Denzel Washington

68.) “The best way to guarantee a loss is to quit”  – Morgan Freeman

69.) “I’m a big believer in ‘never say never’ ”  – Jim Parsons

70.) “Be so good they can’t ignore you” ~ Steve Martin

What were your favorite movie quotes?

Most of us watch films for enjoyment, but movies also have great health and educational value. You’ll find most films to be not only entertaining but also educative regardless of your social status.

Everyone has a favorite movie line. Hopefully, the above quotes will make your day better and motivate you to reach your full potential.

Did you enjoy these movie quotes? Which famous movie quote resonated with you best? Tell us in the comment section below. We would love to hear all about it.

[amelialincoln]

Can you do a part 2 of your latest fic but they decide to have the baby and maybe a little of Amelia’s pregnancy during the pandemic? Like a time jump idk.

You and I Amelia stepped into the scrub room and peeled off her protective equipment. The inside of the hazmat suit was lined with condensation and she felt sweaty and gross. The hot flashes, her newest pregnancy symptom, were not helping. She washed her hands, enjoying the rare moment of peace and quiet though she wasn’t complaining. Most of her co-workers, even the ones that were chief of their department, had barely seen the inside of the OR in months. However, the extra layers in the midsummer Seattle heat were almost unbearable and in a stuffy operating room, it became a little too much. Link burst through the door as Amelia was drying her hands.

“Hey, how did it go? Did you have lunch? Are you feeling okay today?” He was practically breathless. Amelia’s hand flew to her forehead as an overwhelmed feeling washed over her.

“Link, I’m fine.”

“Have you had your temperature taken? You look flushed.” Amelia wasn’t sure why the concern in his voice was pissing her off beyond belief.

“We get our temp taken before every shift and it’s like eighty six degrees today.”

Link nodded, pulling her into a sticky, relieved hug. “You gonna take a couple hours off? Might be good to get a nap in.”

“No, I have patients to check in on.” She tried to keep herself calm. Link had been almost unbearable lately. Of course it was Amelia who’d end up pregnant in the midst of a global pandemic and she was stressed enough as it was. Link’s constant concern wasn’t helping anyone. She grabbed a new mask and secured it around her face.

“Let’s just get you something from the cafeteria.” He tried to pull her in that direction.

“Link!” Amelia had lost her temper. “I have about a million things that are more important than getting a stupid snack from the cafeteria!”

“I just find it funny how you seem to put everyone’s health over your own!” They were yelling now. The exhaustion was wearing down on the overworked couple and Amelia rubbed her temple to soothe an oncoming headache.

“Link, if I go get something to eat I’m just going to end up throwing it up anyways,” she tried to explain calmly. He raised an eyebrow at that.

“What have you eaten today?” He hadn’t been at the apartment that morning and was genuinely curious as to if Amelia would’ve eaten anything at all without him there to force her to. The look on her face told him everything. “Amelia!” She let out a groan of exasperation in response as she glanced around at the surrounding hospital staff that were starting to stare.

“I can’t be throwing up at work,” Amelia hissed. “I can’t risk taking my mask off around patients.”

“Well then maybe you shouldn’t be working at all!” This was brought up frequently in conversation between the two.

“This pregnancy could not even be viable. You honestly think I’m going to sit at home and put my health over hundreds for a baby that might not even make it into this world?” She knew she’d crossed the line when Link took a step back. Amelia hadn’t planned on getting pregnant again after the miscarriage. An anencephalic baby followed by a miscarriage had Amelia convinced that pregnancy was not for her. Apparently the universe had other plans. She was surprised by how hard Link had taken the accident. Not knowing that the sight of her curled up on the floor of their shower, her pants stained with blood, was forever ingrained in his mind. He scoffed at her before turning and walking away. She got a text from him a few minutes later that read, “I’m trying to give you the benefit of the doubt right now considering how pumped you are with hormones but I’m gonna try and give you some space and when you’re ready to act like an adult you can come find me.” She tried to ignore how much that stung.

On days like today Link enjoyed being an orthopedic surgeon more than anything. Owen raised his eyebrows as he watched the guy aggressively set another person’s bones into place. Link had never reminded Owen of the woman he’d taken the department over from until today. The man was obviously going through something and Owen couldn’t help but wonder if it had to do with Amelia. Suddenly, his eyes flew open and he raced over to a crouched Link.

“Hey, don’t you think you could do that in an OR?” He offered quickly. “With sedation?” Link glanced up at him blankly before seeming to snap into reality.

“Oh...yeah, probably.” He made eye contact with his patient. “I’ll see you later.” He motioned to Schmitt. “Can you prep him?” Before walking away and pushing into the first on call room he could find. He was surprised to find a familiar figure hunched over the side of a bunk bed, her hand cradling a non existent bump.

“You good?” He asked, his voice was stern. Amelia glanced up at him with teary eyes and Link melted. He couldn’t help but jump to the conclusion that it was happening again.

“Crampy,” she replied through gritted teeth. “It’s kind of all over so I can’t tell if it’s radiating from my stomach or not. All my muscles are tensing up.” “I’ll page Carina.”

Amelia winced as Link dug into her shoulder blade. Usually his back massages soothed her but this one was anything but comfortable.

“You’re severely dehydrated,” Carina stepped into the ultrasound room. “Even if you weren’t drinking enough and were just getting water from food, I don’t know how it could get this bad.” Amelia bit her lip and stared out the bright window.

“She hasn’t been eating.” Link shuddered as Amelia let out a tiny cry of pain and lessened the force of the massage. Carina raised an eyebrow.

“What do you mean?” 

“I can’t keep anything down.” Her voice was quiet. Link couldn’t bear the idea of Amelia blaming herself if anything ended up being wrong with the baby.

“Baby looks okay.” Carina watched both of the surgeons breathe a sigh of relief. “There must be something that you can keep down.”

“Everything I’ve tried hasn’t. I can’t be throwing up at work.” 

“Then you shouldn’t be working.” Carina said the words that Amelia was actively praying that she wouldn’t. “I’ve already expressed my thoughts about you putting yourself at risk by being at the hospital. Pregnant women have compromised immune systems to begin with. It is not a good idea.”

“It’s the only distraction I have,” Amelia’s voice was so quiet it was barely heard. Link sighed, wrapping his arms around Amelia’s shaky chest.

“Amelia, I know it’s early but we have no reason to believe that this pregnancy is compromised.” Carina told the neurosurgeon, who was failing to meet eye contact. “However, the only thing you’re doing by working is increasing you and the father of your baby’s stress level. Not to mention putting yourself at the risk of this virus.”

The ride back to their apartment was silent. Amelia unloaded the small amount of groceries that they’d picked up on their way home while Link drew Amelia’s almost daily bath. Once the kitchen was tidy, Amelia made her way into the bathroom. She glanced at her lower abdomen, Carina said she should start showing over the next couple of weeks. Amelia desperately wanted that to be true. She slipped into the warm, bubbly water and allowed herself to relax for the first time in weeks. She tried not to replay the image of Tom’s exhausted face as she regretfully handed him her iPad and filled him in on the cases he’d be taking over. Tom hadn’t complained but it’s not like he was given the choice. Link cautiously joined her after about a half hour. He dunked his head under the water that was beginning to cool and shook his hair dry. He placed both of his hands over her stomach and breathed deeply.

“I talked to Bailey. She’s given me time off until this goddamn virus is over or until we can figure out a way to do this safely.”

“Link, you shouldn’t--”

“Amelia.” He cut her off sternly. “We’re not having this conversation. If I were to work, I’d be living in a hotel. Do you want that?” Amelia shook her head, moving her hands to cover his. Link breathed in the smell of her freshly shampooed hair and allowed himself to relax.

“What are we going to do with all this extra time?” A cheeky grin spread across his face even though she couldn’t it.

“I have a couple ideas,” Amelia laughed, rolling her eyes.

“What would those be?” 

“You’re unbelievable.”

“You love me.”

“Too much,” she replied, shaking her head. Link chuckled, his hands leaving her non-existent bump and pulling her closely into him affectionately.

“This will be good, Mia,” he said, almost absentmindedly. “I know it doesn’t seem like it but everything happens for a reason.” Amelia nodded, not ready to accept that she could be out of the OR and away from all of their friends for months.

“I won’t blame you if you want to drink.” She startled him with the topic. “All I can think about is how nice it would be to turn off my mind with a bottle of wine right now.” Link shook his head.

“If you can refrain from watching that awful reality TV when I’m around, I can refrain from a can of beer.”

“We’re going to be spending a lot of time together--”

“Amelia,” Link interrupted her. “If it really meant that much to me then we could have this conversation. I honestly couldn’t care less.”

“Okay.” The bath had just cooled beyond a comfortable temperature. Link got out first, wrapping himself in a towel before holding one out for Amelia.

“I think we’re going to need a bigger tub once the baby gets here.” Amelia nodded in response, imagining the three of them crammed into the ceramic bathtub. “You hungry?”

“Not particularly but I don’t really feel nauseous.”

“So what's the most calorie dense meal possible?” Link chuckled. Amelia rolled her eyes, a small smile playing on her lips. As per usual she let Link tend to the cooking. She changed into sweatpants and a tank top and threw her curls into a bun. Her arms ached and she was surprised by how exhausted she was from just putting on clothing. She found Link hovered over the stove, pouring pasta into a pot of boiling water. She wrapped her arms around him from behind and allowed herself to relax into his sturdy frame.

“Hey.” He lowered the heat of the element and turned to cup her cheeks in his hands. “You look tired, babe.” Amelia yawned in response. 

“You making pasta?”

“I was thinking mac and cheese cause I remember you said something about craving it last week. I was going to bake it in the oven with the breadcrumbs, since you like that best, but I think you might pass out before it’ll be done.”  Amelia nodded, sheepishly. “Well, it’ll be good just on the stovetop too.”

“Thank you.” She bit her lip trying to refrain from breaking down out of exhaustion and guilt from how she’d been treating him. “I’m sorry about--”

“Don’t be,” he put firmly. “We’ve just had a lot of bad timing.” He turned back to stir the cheese sauce. “Doesn’t make me any less excited.” The image of Link holding a newborn baby flashed through Amelia’s head and she pushed it away.

“I’m trying so hard not to get my hopes up, Link.”

“Carina had doubts about the first one from the beginning,” he reminded her. “She prepared us for the worst.”

“Didn’t make it any less hard.”

“I know, but I trust her. There’s been no indication of anything being wrong.”

“I know.”

“And you’re twelve weeks tomorrow.”  

“I know.” Link grabbed a bowl from the cupboard and spooned the cheesy macaroni into it.

“Here,” he muttered, handing it to her before grabbing one for himself. “Water,” he reminded her as she began to walk towards the dining room table.

Amelia was surprised to keep the food down. “It’s definitely the cafeteria food that’s screwing me over,” she complained as her and Link walked into their bedroom.

“Baby already likes my cooking,” Link joked as he threw one of his oversized t-shirts at her to change into. Amelia slipped off her sweatpants and let out a little gasp.  

“You okay?” Link was immediately at her side. Amelia nodded, pointing at the mirror.

“I mean that could just be mac and cheese,” she laughed. Her hand went to her stomach, pressing the extremely tiny but firm bump over her uterus.

“Nah, your metabolism is out of this world,” Link chuckled. Amelia was surprised to find his eyes teary. “Sorry,” he looked away, rubbing his face with his hands. “Can I feel?”

“Sure.” She guided Link’s hand over her own and they both glanced at Amelia’s silhouette in the mirror.

“I’ve seen mac and cheese bloating before, this is definitely different.”

“Link,” Amelia shook her head with a smile. His hands were so gentle Amelia almost laughed, she knew that Link was about to treat her like a china glass doll for the remaining six months. She tried not to tease Link about how mezmorized he was by the situation as they both crawled into bed.

“You know it’s only going to get bigger,” Amelia sighed after an hour of being kept awake by Link’s refusal to take his hands off her stomach.

“That’s my baby,” Link pointed out.

“I’m aware, babe, and your baby’s mommy needs some sleep.” Link mumbled a disappointed apology in response, patting the place on his chest where she normally lay. 

“Goodnight babymommy.”

“No.” Amelia’s voice was firm, Link grinned.

[ecotone99]

[FN] I met a unicorn in the forest

First and foremost: unicorns are not what you're thinking of.

Rather than pink manes and long, golden horns, they're more brownish. They have one long, winding horn, in fact, and leaf-green, glowing eyes. They have leaves--or what looks like leaves--on their legs, backs, and manes. They're older than you or me, even your grandmother and grandfather. Sometimes I believe they're as old as time itself. They're smart, and they know everything about you before you even see them. And they care about us. I had an encounter with a unicorn. Here's my story.

My mother always hated animals. She hated the mess they made, she hated their fur, and most of all, she hated their noise. It was her least favorite thing about them. I, on the contrary, adored animals. Anytime I saw someone walking their dog, I went out of my way to go and pet it. But horses? Oh, horses were my very favorite. I was the horse girl who drew them constantly in school, wore the shirts, had the backpack. But no matter how much I begged and pleaded, mother would never let me so much as look at one. I don't know why, all she said is that they were dangerous. But one of my classmates, Erin Evans, she had horses. She showed me a picture of her dapple-grey gelding once, and I was awe-struck. Also green with envy. I wondered why that couldn't be me.

One day, I was making my way home from school. I have to take this long road every day, because my mother works at the diner from 9:00 to 5:00. The bad part was the Owens boys lived on this road, and they were bound determined to make my life hell. I tried to walk faster by their house, but they were inevitably outside. And me trying to run like a scared animal didn't make it any better. They grabbed me by my hair and grabbed my backpack, laughing like this was a game.I think it was a game for them. I can't imagine any other reason they would like to do this.

"Hey, carrot-top! What have you got for us today?" Doc asks.

"Just a load of damn horse drawings." Gilbert huffs, before throwing them down.

I gasp and try to dive for them because they were the best ones I had ever done. I was going to give them to my mother as a present. But they landed in a puddle, and even as I picked them up, the ink was still smudged everywhere. They call me carrot-top once more for extra measure, then hurry off behind their house before their pa could see them. I stand up and wipe my nose hard to keep from crying. I grab my backpack and throw it back over my shoulders. I hate those boys. I step on my ruined drawings as I pass them.

I wipe my eyes some more. Stop being a baby, Adeline. You're in fourth grade now. This is when girls get taller and more mature. But I'm stuck in my skinny red-headed body. Sometimes I just wish I could borrow someone else's for a while. Caught up in my thoughts of self pity, I don't notice it until I'm right up on it. As I hear a defensive snort, I stop suddenly, breath catching in my throat as my blood turns to ice. Is it a bear? There's a lot of those where I live. Oh god, what if it is a bear? I completely blank on what to do and dive behind an old boulder. This is followed by silence, apart from the occasional pained snort. But at a soft, sorrowful nicker, my heart starts beating faster than it ever has. I peer around the boulder slowly, and am entirely awestruck.

There, laying pitifully on the grass, is a horse. Except, not a horse. He has leaves caught in his long mane, and it hangs over his eyes. But I watch as he blinks, and see two bright green irises. He has leaves in the feathers on his hooves and leaves scattered about his back. I watch as his wobbly legs struggle to lift him up, before he falls back down with a pained neigh. I realize now, with a surge of adrenaline, his leg is caught in a bear trap. A bear trap. What are the chances? But the most awe inspiring thing about this horse.. Is the horn on his head. I think it would be longer, but it's cut. I watched a documentary once about rhinos. People cut their horns off to sell them. I think that's what happened to him.

My breath catches in my throat as I move before I have time to think. I approach him slowly, and he notices me in an instant. His struggling stops, and he looks at me. I'm frozen for a moment. His power is raw, enormous. I'm not meant to see him. But man has failed him. So I have to show him that not all people are bad. Wait--what? When did I get so poetic, anyway? In any case, I keep on approaching him. He stays stiff, staring at me. I think he knows my intentions. I think he knows everything about me. I kneel before him, my eyes going to the bear trap on his leg. I breath in as I scoot forward, beginning to fool with the trap. I feel around, before finally finding it. I notice his hooves are a beige color, and in the cracks, I can see leaves. As I pull the latch, he yanks his leg out at once, stumbling backwards. He hops for a moment, before snorting and slowly putting his hoof down on the ground. I watch in awe as the grass grows higher, and weeds wrap around his leg, gradually, until you can no longer see it. He waits there a moment, before snorting, and just as quick as they'd came, the forestry returns to the earth. I gasp. His leg is healed.

He looks at me, and speaks. But without moving his mouth. His voice is everywhere. All throughout the forest, if you'd only listen.

"Thank you, Adeline."

"W-What are you?" I blurt before I could think. Real smooth, Adeline!

"I am The Forest," He snorts in amusement. "I am its protector."

"You.. keep it safe?" I asked, amazed.

"Yes, Adeline. But I could never do it without your help. People like you are what keep the forests of the Earth alive. Not me."

I smile.

Even though I can't tell, I think he smiles back.

As he turns to go, I blurt,

"Will I see you again?"

He turns his head back at me, his long mane moving with his actions.

"Indefinitely." He replies.

I smile more, and I watch him go off, deeper into the forestry. To my surprise, just as his front half is hidden by the bushes, he suddenly turns into a bear. I grin as I watch him bound off. I take a breath in, and slowly make my way back to the road. I love the forest. And now I know it loves me back. As I look up to the leaves, I see them move, following after me. And I smile. Care for the forest. Please. Because it loves you dearly, and you should return the favor.

​

The End

​

​

___________

Hi if you read this far! Before you're too harsh on me, note I'm only a youngin' trying to get into a new hobby. I hope you do like my story! But maybe go easy on me with critique? Only because I wear my heart on my sleeves. Also sorry for the swearing! I squeezed my eyes shut and typed it fast. I hate swearing!!

submitted by /u/stxrryniqhts [link] [comments] via Blogger https://ift.tt/2KS369g

[thegloober]

How Parents Can Teach Boys to Deal With Rejection

Stories of men responding to rejection badly are an online literary staple, a genre of micro-nonfiction. Twitter, Tumblr, and Facebook are piled high with brutal recollections. “When I turned a guy down for a 2nd date, he became angry, telling me he ‘knew’ I was into him,” @I_Am_StephanieD recently wrote on Twitter. “For the next 8 months, he showed up at my office and home repeatedly. Each time insisting he was ‘giving me a chance’ to change my mind [sic] bc I was ‘so stupid’ not to go out with him again.”

That’s far from the worst of it. “I was out at a concert with a friend,” an anonymous Tumblr user wrote in September. “Some guy approached me and started talking to me and trying to make advances; I tried to make it clear I wasn’t interested. He didn’t get the message so I blatantly told him I wasn’t. He got angry and punched me in the face.”

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The worst stories aren’t told in the first person. In August of this year, a 14-year-old boy from Oklahoma stabbed a girl after she rejected him romantically. In August, a Tennessee woman declined to give a man at the gas station her phone number, prompting him to jump on top of her car, punch through her window, and drag her out by her hair. In 2014, a Connecticut teen was sentenced to 25 years after stabbing his 16-year-old classmate to death after she rejected his prom proposal. In April of this year, a 25-year-old self-described “incel” by the name of Alek Minassian ran over a dozen women in Toronto, killing them all. He said he was inspired by Elliot Rodgers, another “incel” who perpetrated a mass shooting in 2014 to “get back at women who had rejected him.”

Data suggests parents of daughters should be scared. More than half of American women who are murdered are murdered by men. More than 90 percent of those are perpetrated by men that women already know, most commonly a current or former romantic partner. For women, men who know them are more dangerous than men who are strangers.

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That women are at risk of being murdered by the men in their lives is not news. But what often goes unstated is that those same statistics — and all these stories — should trigger action on the part of parents raising boys. Clearly, young men are failing to understand or cope with rejection. Giving them the tools to do so and demanding better not only protects girls and women from men, but men and boys from their own worst impulses.

Rejection is crushing. We all know this. And dealing with rejection is difficult. That’s why parents need to have (and re-have) conversations about weathering emotional blows and why it’s important to provide context for kids confused by messaging around rejection they might get from popular culture.

Part of this messaging comes from the commonly-held idea that women don’t know what they want, that no may mean yes, and that if a man tries hard enough, he can change a woman’s mind, either through persuasion, persistence, or downright deception. How many families have a story where persistence was a key trait in the getting together of two grandparents? And there are classic and well known examples of this like Say Anything, The Notebook, 10 Things I Hate About You, and Sixteen Candles. But even seemingly innocuous movies often teach weird lessons about rejection, potentially communicating to boys that women don’t get to have the final say.

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Wedding Crashers is a prime example. When Owen Wilson’s character, John, meets Claire, played by Rachel McAdams, he continues to make moves on her despite the fact that she is engaged to another man. He even goes so far as to poison her fiance (played by Bradley Cooper) to get time alone with her, all the while lying about his true identity. When, in a turn of events, Claire realizes she can’t marry her fiance, Cooper’s character then gets belligerent and angry and tries to order Claire back onto the altar. The entire movie is men acting about women, and not asking what women want, and somehow, despite engaging in the same nefarious and upsetting activities that Cooper’s character does, Wilson is the good guy.

So what’s a parent to do? The rather obvious and also correct answer is this: Talk about it.

“We can’t control everything, and we shouldn’t,” says Dr. Steve Silvestro, a pediatric doctor who runs an expert-driven podcast on raising healthy and thoughtful kids. “But by ignoring it, or by hoping that our kid won’t pay attention, or that your kid will stick to something you talked about in the past as their guiding principle, these open a lot of opportunities for their thoughts and feelings to be swayed in a way that probably isn’t the best for them.”

There are, per Silvestro, a couple of ways for parents to tackle this particular issue. The big one: time and time again, parents need to tell their boys one thing: if a woman rejects you, you respect her decision and you move on. You can be her friend, but you don’t have to be. You can cry if you want, but you don’t have to cry, and you don’t do it to make them feel bad. You can be upset, but that girl is not the focus of your upset. You are upset because you are hurt, because you put yourself out there — and that’s the bravest act of all. And you hammer that home with empathy.

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As conversations around masculinity are changing, long-held beliefs about male aggression have never been so hotly contested by the cultural zeitgeist at large. It is no longer culturally acceptable for men to behave poorly in response to rejection, either by ignoring the wishes of the women who rejected them or by responding with violence. In order to clearly state to those reluctant to change, the world at large, and specifically parents, need to change the way we talk about romance. Women are not sending secret messages with their words. They are simply saying what they want.

The pop cultural trope of men continually propositioning women after they’ve said no, or even following them and manipulating them into relationships, or being angry and vindictive after rejection, is rampant in rom-coms. It’s even rampant in popular music. Miguel’s How Many Drinks ft. Kendrick Lamar reads: “How many drinks would it take you to leave with me/Yeah you look good, and I got money/But I don’t wanna waste my time/Back of my mind, I’m hoping you say two or three.” The suggestion that the right amount of alcohol might lower a woman’s defenses and have her engage in sexual activity is problematic for a number of reasons, largely due to the fact that it suggests that consent is a blurred line, one that can be manipulated.

Most adults know that these tropes are not how real life goes. But kids don’t.

If parents listen to a Miguel song with their kid and it features a boy chasing a girl who keeps saying no, parents should ask their kid what they think about that. When they watch a rom-com that features a boy who is relentlessly pursuing a girl who is not interested, they should ask their son how they would feel if someone was doing that to them. These conversations shouldn’t only happen when a kid is already in trouble for doing something bad. They should be proactive, and constant. If the messages a kid gets from the boys around him and from the tv and the music and the radio say that reacting with violence is okay, then it’s a parent’s job to make sure their kids know it’s not.

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So why did this attitude take hold? Why, at any point, was male aggression normalized and even tacitly accepted to the point where it became a pop cultural norm? And what is there to do about it?

A study by University of Kansas researchers on male aggression in the face of female rejection posits a theory: Long ago, particularly in the American South, men had to protect themselves and their families from perceived economic and existential threats (the two often being interchangeable). A man in the South couldn’t let a thief steal his horses, not only on principle, but because they represented his family’s livelihood. The power and aggression of his defense was what made him a capable defender of his home, someone to be feared and someone worth the respect of his peers.

What emerged from a culture in which defensiveness was more valued than the ability to bind together a community? What researchers call Masculine Honor Culture, a social system in which men respond to any form of “emasculation” with aggression. The problem now is that we no longer live in a system where the ability to protect one’s home is more important than the ability to make friends and influence people. But culture has lagged. This leads to men profoundly overreacting to minor forms of perceived emasculation, notably romantic rejection.

Why a woman’s rejection is seen as emasculating is another question entirely. There’s not a clear answer there other than that it represents a manner in which men are not only told that they cannot have what they want, but are informed of this by women. This rankles those who see being bossed around by a woman — even one they admire — as a humiliation. That’s a significant population.

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The best thing parents can do is help their sons recognize that people reject others for a whole number of reasons; yes, maybe it is them, but it’s not because of their manhood. Or maybe it’s because they’re seeing someone else, or maybe it’s because they don’t want to date. Maybe it’s just because they don’t like their personality. But whatever the reason is, it doesn’t matter. That’s the whole point: what other people think of you is not what defines your worth. But a lot of men today — especially those who cling on to their sense of identity as something that must constantly be proved — haven’t understood that yet.

Parents have no choice but to help their boys understand this. Otherwise, sons’ sense of self-worth — and what it means to be a man — might lead to them equating rejection with inadequacy and not taking no to an answer. There are already enough stories like that being told by frightened women and myopic screenwriters. We don’t need any more.

Source: https://bloghyped.com/how-parents-can-teach-boys-to-deal-with-rejection/

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Rebooking Wrestlemania IX

Well, as promised, here it is: a rebooking of Wrestlemania IX. Now, to start off with, I will say that Wrestlemania IX was not the worst wrestling show I’ve ever seen. I’ve had much less fun watching other shows in the past. At the very least, 2 or 3 matches on Wrestlemania IX entertained me, which some shows have failed to in the past. However, as far as Wrestlemanias go, this was not an easy one to watch. Ever since I started watching through 1993 again, I’ve gathered my thoughts on what happened here at Wrestlemania, and I’ve tried to come up with card that might be even marginally better on paper. So, here it is.

 Firstly, there are a few matches on here that I wouldn’t change, at least as far as the lineup goes. Finishes are an entirely different ballpark. For instance, I really don’t think there’s any need to change the Steiners vs. Headshrinkers match. That match ended up being my personal favorite on the show, and, in general, didn’t really suffer from any noticeable flaws, in-ring or booking wise. Doink the Clown and Crush was also fine for what it was. It wasn’t a very good match, but, to be honest, I wouldn’t really expect it to be. The main thing here is watching someone try to get revenge on the evil clown and coming up short due to shenanigans. Nothing wrong with that. Money Inc. vs. The Mega-Maniacs could also probably stay, but believe me, there would be a new finish. Undertaker vs. Giant Gonzalez? Fine. If they’re that desperate to have a circus match with Undertaker, by all means. But, again, the finish need not suck just because the in-ring work does. And, finally, Bret Hart vs. Yokozuna for the WWF Championship. As a match, I thought it was perfectly fine. It was obvious that Yokozuna was the direction the company was going in, due mostly to the fact that they were moving away from a steroid scandal, and he was a 500 Ib. Samoan man. So, in trying to stay realistic, I’ll forego throwing something together, like Perfect or Savage vs. Bret. Either of those match-ups would no doubt be superior in-ring products. But pitting two faces against one another in the main event is rarely a great idea, especially when considering the future direction of the company. It’s why the rumored Hogan vs. Bret match at Summerslam could’ve been a potential headache. More on that later.

 So, overall, it may not look like we’re changing a whole lot about the card. But, as we go down the list, I think some of the changes will become apparent. Let’s actually start off with the dark match. Now, this normally wouldn’t matter, but in this instance, I’d like to switch some talent around. Specifically, I’d swap out Tito Santana, who defeated Papa Shango in the dark match, and replace him with Bob Backlund, with Santana taking Backlund’s place on the main card against Razor Ramon. I’ve talked before about how Bob Backlund during this time was an anomaly in the WWF; on the one hand, he was one of the longest reigning champions in company history, making a comeback at age 43, and still in amazing shape. At the same time, it’s now 1993. The wrestling landscape has changed, particularly the WWF, which now features such cartoonish gimmicks as Doink the Clown, Papa Shango, and even Yokozuna, to an extent. And in the midst of it is good old Bob Backlund, whose in-ring style and appearance have remained in a time capsule-like state of being. Backlund’s first Wrestlemania may have been a pressing matter to some, though probably not many. But does it really need to be on the main card? By pitting Backlund against Shango prior to the show, you can give him a nice, easy win that doesn’t hurt Shango (if that was a priority,) and potentially starts the show off nicely for the live crowd. Tito Santana, meanwhile, would probably make for a much better opponent for Razor Ramon, whose growing popularity was becoming evident, even during his snoozer with Backlund.

 Next, let’s talk about the Intercontinental Title match. I asked the question several times in reviewing Wrestlemania IX, and I’ll ask it here: why put together a title match where you don’t want the challenger to lose, but you don’t necessarily want them to win the title either? As good as Shawn Michaels vs. Tatanka was, the finish was pretty questionable, particularly for the opening match. If you really want to continue both Michaels’ title reign and Tatanka’s undefeated streak, why not just make two separate matches? In examining the roster at the time, one name that comes to mind as someone for Tatanka to beat would be Bam Bam Bigelow. Though Bam Bam may be just a notch below Michaels in terms of his position on the card, he’s still above Tatanka’s previous opponents. Not only that, but as both an in-ring talent and a name in the business, he brings a credibility that only a few others on the heel roster would bring. Michaels, on the other hand, would more than likely be in need of a credible opponent to put him over and help him grow into a more seasoned heel. Considering his history with the Intercontinental Title in the prior years, as well as his popularity at the time, Mr. Perfect would make, well, perfect sense as an opponent for Michaels. They may have ended up having a match at Summerslam that year, but Wrestlemania would no doubt be the next best place, if not the best.

 With the Steiners vs. Headshrinkers and Doink vs. Crush matches left untouched, as well as Razor vs. Backlund changed to Razor vs. Santana, let’s get into the big one: Money Inc. vs. The Mega-Maniacs. Now, an obvious fix for this match would be to take the Tag Titles out of the equation, a step they could reach a number of ways. Maybe Money Inc. loses the titles to the Steiner Brothers, which they eventually would anyway, shortly before the event. Maybe they’re stripped of the titles due to their actions against Brutus Beefcake, necessitating a match to determine new Tag Team Champions occurring at Wrestlemania. By eliminating the Tag Team Titles from the mix, there’s now a clear path to the Mega-Maniacs getting a clean victory over the dastardly heels. But if the Tag Team Titles are an absolutely necessary part of the equation, and Money Inc. cannot lose them, then why not pin Beefcake? After all, in storyline, Beefcake had a debilitating facial injury that required the use of a facemask. That doesn’t seem like an easy out? Money Inc. even took off the mask during the course of the match, leaving Beefcake’s face exposed, and giving ample opportunity for the heels to try and do some more damage. I’m really not sure if this was ever an option that was considered. It could very well be that Hogan didn’t want either himself or Beefcake to be pinned. But what’s the real harm in continuing the chase, even if Hogan moves on to the WWF Title and Beefcake has to find another partner to help avenge his loss?

 In trying to find a new opponent for Lex Luger, I had a pretty hard time. My first thought had been Owen Hart, if nothing more than to tie in to the attack on Bret Hart prior to Wrestlemania. Unfortunately, a quick search of ThehistoryofWWE.com reveals that Owen was gone from late March to early May, perhaps indicating an injury, or just some time off. I suppose Koko B. Ware would be another option, but with Wrestlemania already having timing problems as is (Bam Bam Bigelow vs. Kamala was cut during the event, due to the opening ceremony and IC Title match running long), maybe Luger doesn’t need a match at Wrestlemania. That may sound weird, but think about it. You already have Razor Ramon, Shawn Michaels, and Yokozuna as your top heels. Lex is in a weird enough position as it is, with his feud with Perfect basically being inherited from Bobby Heenan. Maybe he can have a segment of some sort. Have him come out in a way that fits the wacky Roman theme (we’re not even going to try and change that). Have him brag about laying the WWF Champion out. Have him make a promise to become the new King of the Ring at the new June PPV, King of the Ring. This gives you a number of directions, not the least of which would be having Bret chase Luger after Wrestlemania as a means of keeping him away from the WWF Championship for the time being. It also saves us having to see an awkward stumble fest, like the one against Mr. Perfect.

 In a perfect world, Giant Gonzalez vs. The Undertaker would never have been booked in the first place. With the model of Undertaker feuds being “Taker vs. big scary foreign heel,” however, it’s pretty hard to move away from it. The fact is that once you take Giant Gonzalez’s height out of consideration, you’re left with a rather atrocious worker, someone who will no doubt be exposed in a feud that goes on for months. So having a non-finish as an excuse to do a match at Summerslam, nearly 5 months after Wrestlemania, is not what I would’ve done. Hell, Royal Rumble to Wrestlemania wasn’t nearly as long, and they very nearly exposed Gonzalez in that time. Undertaker is a special attraction at this point in his career. The man has beaten Hulk Hogan, is a former WWF Champion, and, in most instances, would probably be the biggest babyface on any given card. There’s really no reason why he can’t go over on the biggest show of the year, especially when delaying a satisfying finish would lead to a rematch of a match where Taker can hardly do a thing with the guy. Maybe Taker can’t hit the Tombstone on Gonzalez, but he’s had different ways of finishing guys off before. Even a body slam, similar to what he did with King Kong Bundy, would suffice. But chloroform has absolutely no place in the finish of a Wrestlemania marquee match.

 Lastly, we get to the main event of Bret Hart vs. Yokozuna for the WWF Championship. The match itself gives me very little to complain about. You could argue that the salt in the eyes of Bret Hart was perhaps unnecessary, but it at least gives him an out to losing the title he had defended on so many occasions in the months prior. The post-match, however, which is probably the biggest complaint most have regarding the show, is in desperate need of changing. In this scenario, let’s keep Hulk Hogan involved in the storyline. As jarring as it was seeing him insert himself into the WWF Title picture just after failing to capture the Tag Team Titles, let’s just go with it. After all, it’s 1993. Business has gone down drastically since Hogan left in 1992. Even before then, the trend was negative. If even for a short amount of time, Hogan could have a positive effect on buyrates, especially for that brand new June PPV, King of the Ring. Even if Hogan is going to be gone come the end of the year, it makes sense to do at least one big match with him on PPV before he departs. So have him come to Bret’s aid, have him lay down the challenge to Yokozuna, and have it accepted. For King of the Ring. The show may not go off the air with Hogan as WWF Champion, but if he’s not going to be around to defend it on house shows or TV, then why bother putting it on him in the first place? Instead, you can have Hogan hit his Axe Bomber clothesline to take the big man off his feet, have him hit the leg drop, and maybe even symbolically cover him. But the title should stay on Yokozuna by all means, ideally until Wrestlemania X. Maybe 350 days is a long time for a heel to hold the title in 1993 WWF, but with Hogan on his way out, a need to build Bret Hart up so that he can truly become a main event face, and a need for a champion who’s obviously not on steroids, Yokozuna is the answer. Having him built up to lose to Bret at the next Wrestlemania would be a much better way to put over the Hitman then having him go over a reluctant Hulk Hogan at Summerslam, possibly alienating casual fans in the process.

 With those changes made, the card looks something like this:

DARK MATCH: Bob Backlund def. Papa Shango by Pinfall/Submission (whichever).

1. Tatanka def. Bam Bam Bigelow by Pinfall.

2. The Steiners def. The Headshrinkers by Pinfall.

3. Shawn Michaels def. Mr. Perfect by Pinfall to retain the Intercontinental Championship.

4. Doink the Clown def. Crush by Pinfall.

5. Razor Ramon def. Tito Santana by Pinfall.

6. Money Inc. def. The Mega-Maniacs by Pinfall to retain the Tag Team Championships.

7. The Undertaker def. Giant Gonzalez by Pinfall.

---Lex Luger Segment---

8. Yokozuna def. Bret Hart by Pinfall to win the WWF Championship.

---Hulk Hogan challenges Yokozuna for King of the Ring, takes him out, poses to end the show and send fans home happy---

 So, there you have it. It’s by no means a perfect card, but given the state of the roster at the time, I feel it’s at least a slight improvement. As I said before, I’m really not someone who’s able to sit down and try to outbook wrestling companies. But given the notoriety of this show, I thought it might be worth giving my own ideas to improve the card.

 Next time, we’ll get right back into reviewing Raw, as it’s the very first show since Wrestlemania IX. Stay tuned.