#my main point is that no one in The Stolen Throne is likable right now

[irhinoceri]

Not to be overly critical, but....

I’m about 3 hours into The Stolen Throne, and just got to Rowan’s introduction. First thing she does is punch Maric in the face with an armored gauntlet.

Right. I know she’s his eventual queen (and gets weirdly killed off between novels--since I’ve already listened to The Calling) so this introduction made me pause my audiobook and heave a deep, weary sigh.

First off, I do not understand Gaider’s characterization of Maric. I just don’t. I’m trying to remember back to his portrayal in The Calling and the Until We Sleep comic, and I don’t recall him being a buffoon, but this book is like “Maric is a useless clown who is entirely unprepared to be king” and it’s like the most uncharitable interpretation of Alistair only it makes NO SENSE.

Alistair wasn’t a leader because he was a bastard who was raised with no direction -- no one involved in his upbringing had any real idea that he would be in line for the throne because despite living in a brutal medieval fantasy world, no one expected Cailan to die without an heir. (In the game it’s hinted that Alistair is given the beacon lighting task specifically to keep him away from the battle so that if Cailan fell he would still be alive, but that’s 20 years too late to start planning ahead, of you ask me!)

Anyway, it’s understandable that Alistair isn’t “king material” and has to undergo a character journey (pushed along by your warden and others) in order to grow into someone who will take responsibility. (Shut up Dragon Age Inquisition, I see you trying to retcon that and would like to show you my gauntleted fist). It’s understandable because of his backstory. Raised not to be a king or leader of any kind, actually raised by people who didn’t care about him at all, who even were openly hostile towards him and tried to get rid of him. His joking and self-deprecation and unwillingness to step up and be a leader are all ways to hide insecurity and loneliness and the fact that he has never been loved or respected by anyone. I mean, Fuck Eamon and Isolde Guerrin, and fuck Maric too! Fiona entrusted you with her only son and you fucked up Maric, you fucked up!

Anyway.

Why is Maric an Alistair 2.0? Why the fuck is the son of the Rebel Queen so ill-prepared? I haven’t gotten a satisfactory answer and it’s been 3 hours. Like, I would understand if he were a pampered prince archetype who has been too busy enjoying being rich and privileged to put in the work necessary, that’s a good condemnation of monarchy in general, why someone is deemed fit to rule a nation just because of their parentage, etc. etc.

But let’s consider that his entire life up to this point has been one of exile and war. Yes, the novel makes it clear that he had some privilege because there were always people in Ferelden who support the Rebel Queen and give them a place to live. Much like Daenerys and Viserys Targaryen in Game of Thrones. Unlike the Targaryens, though, Maric still has his mother (father?) and grandfather growing up, and unlike the Targaryens, the Theirins are out of power because they were conquered by an invading empire, they were not deposed in a civil war caused by their own cruelty/madness. So even though Viserys and Daenerys didn’t end up making the greatest leaders (fuck you, GoT, never forgive, never forget) that’s not to say that I think it’s a 1:1 correlation and Maric couldn’t have been raised with his future Kingship in mind.

Anyway, I’m rambling, but I’m just so frustrated with how for 3 hours I’ve just been listening to how useless a king Maric is because he was completely unprepared for his mother to die. She was a great woman, a queen who inspired loyalty and led a rebellion, but she didn’t bother to prepare her son to take her place?? He should have been her second in command at this point! Really now.

If this whole thing was a condemnation of monarchal rule I’d be a little less irritated but I don’t feel like it is, I feel like this is all just a character flaw for Maric to give him an arc. And the problem is that I already witnessed and participated in this arc with Alistair. I was already in Loghain’s shoes playing as the Warden. And you know what, it was Better that way.

Side note, I am starting to realize why I’ve seen people who are pro-Loghain and Anora and hate Alistair/klill him/exile him (or at the very least don’t choose to make him king and have him stay a warden) cite The Stolen Throne as reasons why the Theirin line needs to end. When I played Origins I definitely saw Alistair as needing to rise to the occasion etc. etc. etc. but it’s like.... woof buddy... you really do come from a long line of idiots. I am so sorry.

I did like Maric in The Calling, though. I’m struggling to remember why, but I recall him being depressed and suffering from PTSD so that’s probably a big part of it. The Calling was just Maric and Fiona being sad and doing some sad fucking in the Deep Roads and I was like “Yes, Very Sad People Fucking. My Kink.”

(Joking.. sort of... but broken people finding some solace in one another? Chef’s kiss.)

Oh my god I nearly forgot what I originally meant to rant about.

As irritating as it has been to listen to the Maric and Loghain show, the fact that Rowan fucking decks Maric the instant she shows up in the novel pissed me the fuck off.

This is a guy whos mother was brutally murdered in front of him, has been on the run, got blamed for getting Loghain’s father killed even though Gareth was the one insisting on sacrificing his life for the glory of Fereldan Kings, and had to make a deal with a witch just to survive.... and Rowan’s reaction upon seeing him (knowing that his mother is dead) is to.... punch him?

And I’m supposed to go HUR HUR HUR, here’s a Strong Female Character. That’s right, Loghain, get a hard on for this Strong Female Character who just punched a man who was not threatening her at all, in the face, with a METAL fist because... he’s annoying? He talks too much? He DESERVED to get hit by his future wife because..... reasons!

IDK. I can’t stand Loghain, either. His PoV is very anti-elven and anti-mage (shocker) and I’m wondering when we’re going to get to the part that makes people into Loghain stans.

Anyway, I love Dragon Age.

[empty-dream]

Me watching Fate/Apocrypha ep 13

With that piano intro, it feels like there is a narration saying “Once upon a time, in an ancient babylonian flying fortress”

If there is any book with that intro I’d read the shit out of it

Sieg be like “I’ve seen too many shit I should apply to become the new wonder of the world”

Sieg: “I’m sorry I was reckless” Astolfo: “bOI THAT WAS NOT RECKLESS THAT WAS STUPID AS FUCK AND THAT’S ME SAYING” Sieg: “But I have a wish I wanna save my friends in the middle of war” Astolfo: “oKAY COOL ME PROUD”

Shit the loony witch shows up

I made an entire post consisting of me contemplating the new op and ed bc it’s long and full of thought HAHA jk it’s shit

Hi kids welcome to the church in the fortress 2 weeks ago the cinnamon and the sinnamon met each other

Shirou: “We’re catholics, we should understand each other.” Jeanne: “Dude, just because I have the same religion as you, as 1.1 billion other people do btw, doesn’t mean I agree to everything you do, especially if it involves stealing most magical thing ever and smiling sinisterly.”

Wow Shirou raises his voice that’s 5* rarity

Shirou: “I didn’t have my master die in my arms, wait 60 years, and manage this dangerous team of nukes all by myself for being defied by a 16 yo rapunzel hourglass saberface”

Jeanne: “Goddamnit you’re a HEROic spirit be a HERO for once!” Shirou: “Nah, I’m outta the club I can do whatever I want.”

Semiramis: “Are you saying my master breaks the rule?” Jeanne: “Are you teasing me with that question or are you just deaf and stupid?”

Semiramis be like “What? You think me, a beautiful poisoner queen who murdered my husband slyly and got into his throne, as the one capable of corrupting an innocent-looking yu-gi-oh-haired young man like my master? I’m offended.”

Guys you’re late to Vlad’s funeral

Shirou: “It’s all peaceful, no fighting whatsoever with your masters.” The AKA team: “BULLSHIT.” Shirou: “But hey it was really no fighting!”

Get you a wife like Semiramis- No wait, don’t make her your wife just make her fall hard for you she wishes she was your wife

Karna’s level-headedness is truly something, I must say

Shirou: “Thank you very much” Karna: “Not now, bitch”

I still find it funny that Karna seems like the first one in AKA team to be fine with Shirou as his master but in the end he’s the only one who never accepts Shirou. My boy.

Shirou: “All of you, become my bitches now.”

Celenike have you learned nothing from Gordes’s experience?!

Wow scratching head until it bleeds is actually one of things I consider creepy and disturbing

But why does it sound like she’s breaking her skull instead of scratching and if she indeeds breaks her skull why is she alive?

You don’t wanna dirty your hands killing Sieg? Bitch you hold human entrails with the same hands might as well cut your hands right now

Astolfo: “There’s no point in me killing Sieg!” Celenike: “There is! I’m horny now!”

Too late, her brain moves to between her legs now.

Sieg’s fate is to be stomped by masters of Yggdmillenia

Grossest slasher movie idea: Celenike is jealous towards Sieg because Astolfo emotes so much around him instead of when she tortures Astolfo so she decides to stomp Sieg and force Astolfo to kill him while she gets hot watching it.

Wow that’s a very ugly face of dying. I’d make the same face as Sieg too.

I CAN HEAR THE CHEER OF PEOPLE FOR MORDRED AT THIS VERY MOMENT

It’s like Kairi and Mordred just drive around and happen to see the nasty quarrel and be like “well that’s one cockroach to kill” so they stop to behead Celenike and then goes off again.

I think servant disappearing into light is engineered to be as slow as it can to give them time to speak dramatic last words huh?

Astolfo: “I don’t wanna drag you into this war.” Sieg: “I already dove head-first to save my friends so technically I’m already in this war too”

HAHA WORLD RECORD OF SERVANT TRYING TO KILL THE MASTER Sieg you’re beginning to become a funny man

I don’t know if Achilles clicks his tongue because Chiron rejects Shirou’s offer to join red faction or Semiramis belittles Chiron but either way he really cares for his teacher :’))

Semiramis: “How about you remember you’re in my home?” Chiron: “How about you remember I can bomb your home?”

Remember 2 weeks ago when I said there are only two sane men on board? That’s excluding the attacked-by-headache red servants, but now you get why I say that.

Shirou: “Jeanne I don’t really wanna kill you actually” Jeanne: “Asshat your face looks like you really wanna kill me slowly”

Wow I don’t expect them to actually detail Karna’s gesture

Mordred, making the most grandiose entrance ever.

I was thinking, why would Mordred charge into an enemy fortress without her armor, like maybe she would but her master would not. So I just conclude maybe A-1 can’t afford to animate her armors ._.

Semiramis: “You wanna betray us?” Mordred: “You tried to betray us first!” Semiramis: “I will behead you, traitor!” Mordred: “First, it’s you  it’s you who is the traitor here. Second I beheaded someone on the way and I’m not shy to do it again!!”

Mordred vs Semiramis is kinda like a battle between parent and child with lots of foul languages

Seriously Mordred is the hero of this episode and her trashtalking doesn’t disappoint at all

Like I said, I’m surprised Karna’s gesture is detailed because it’s clear he realizes first hand than Mordred is coming and actually wants her to clear the mess and help Jeanne and Chiron escape and he doesn’t do anything to stop them and he smiles in satisfaction when it’s all done. Like, my boy. My dear boy.

Semiramis: “You think you can do something? Everything you can do, I can do it too!” Avicebron: “Well I do battles too, unlike your shit caster” Shirou: “He’s got a point, hon.”

A saberface stood in the middle of dead people on a war. Great, wanna bet Fate/Extra will have umu do the same thing too?

The wish of salvation is never wrong. The method you try to achieve it, however, often falls into the nope scale.

Wow I also didn’t expect they would include the crushed homunculus in this scene too.

When even Fiore tells you to shut up then you need to evaluate your life

I wanna laugh because Sieg is nonchalantly running into the room like he’s late for class but can’t give a shit to the professor in front of him

Ah I see, A-1 make a huge change in this scene.

Gordes: “Y-YOU!” Sieg: “Surprises bitch I bet you thought you had seen the last of me”

People die when they are killed is so last year, Gordes.

Sieg: “Guess who just became a new master?” Black faction: “No way!” Sieg: “That’s right! It’s me!”

Caules close up is always welcome, babe.

Astolfo is also nonchalantly late into the class and only bothered about how to pose.

Leader!Homunculus: “You keep surprising us” Sieg: “I died twice already and the surprise will just keep on coming, mate.”

Nice speech Sieg!! Cementing the fact that he is the anti-thesis of Shirou and that he is the main protagonist, in case anybody forgets.

Also it kickstarts Fiore’s existential crisis but hey that’s for another episodes okay.

Caules did you just tell Gordes to count to ten??? You. You are fucking perfect my darling.

Chiron: “Master, Caster betrays us. And he’s going to get Roche.” Fiore: “Wait that’s too many news for 2 minutes.”

I guess no matter how much of a genius you are, if you’re young and a shut-in you will always remain naive.

Originally in the novel, if I am correct, this scene is where Gordes shitting around and treats Sieg as Siegfried. Astolfo full-on roasts Gordes and pours salt on his wounds, and also makes jabs about the stolen grail. Fiore is suspicious that Astolfo might be the one killing Celenike, which is actually normal thing to do, but he might or might not even notice that. Caules honestly agrees that the homunculi’s lifespan won’t allow them to do everything they want, which is cold, but in line with the fact that he’s, at his core, blunt. I guess A-1 decides to change it so that Sieg has time to deliver the speech?

Well it’s a shame Astolfo roasting is skipped tho. But I think I like the speech. If that’s how they try to make Sieg likable (I heard he’s not very likable back before this adaptation?), I think it works with me.

NEXT: Servanger 2.0

[portfolio-]

Thoughts about Ruler: Master of the Mask, Part 10

(Note: This entry is going to be longer than the usual incoherent or coherent posts I've had. I'm still digesting all the feelings I have for this episode because wow, RMOTM actually had the potential to raise the bar.)

 I must be a sadist. I watched The Throne last Tuesday, then I watched today's episode. I've mourned Yoo Ah In's Sado, now I mourn for Yoo Seung Ho's Lee Seon (albeit for a short period of time).

The episode last night depicted a good picture of the main theme of this show imo, power, which fits just right as we move headfirst to the climax of the story.

(I’ll be a decent person for once and put this expand post thing here because this entry has more spoilers than I think should be spilled).

Dae Mok proved to be the best villain out of all in the show as he nitpicked on all his enemies. In one swoop, with the fake King's help, he managed to get absolute power within the court and in extension, Joseon. He loves (with whatever is left of his blackened heart) his granddaughter, as we've seen throughout the series, but will not waver in the name of his organization. He tortured the true king with his lover and his most loyal friend, knowing that beneath the regality, he is simply a man who protects the people he care about. I could already feel the satisfaction of seeing him dead when this series ends, in whatever form it will reach him. Props to Heo Jun Ho for being very, very effective on his role.

I feel bad for the queen dowager, but then again, the better villain always prevails. I will miss her being at the top of her game. Kim Sun Kyung is becoming one of my favorite actresses to watch in her generation, second to Jeon Mi Sun.

Hwa Goon actually gained my sympathy this time as her grandfather forced her to bend to his will. I liked the interaction she had with her father, that the latter's love always prevails. They gained my sympathy because beneath all the bullshit they experienced from the head of their family, they never lost the ability to care for each other. I still dislike her for forcing herself to the true king (especially at this episode), but actually felt sad at the idea that she would surrender everything to him. I'll discuss more on the true king later. For now, it will suffice to say that had the true king held hands with Pyunsoo Group by marrying Hwa Goon, it will only ruin them both. I hate her for slapping Ga Eun because the latter has no idea (again, who’s fault is this?) because she had no fucking right. Who set the ball ralling in the first place? Huh? (slaps Hwa Goon because you need to wake up too girl!!) But what takes the cake for me was when Gon lied to Hwa Goon for her sake! And how it breaks Gon to betray his master. Why did the writers fucking threw their pairing aside?! (screams) And when Hwa Goon actually pressed the sword on Gon's neck with the latter remaining steady on his resolve! What a parallel with our main leads. Had the writers went this way, I would have liked Hwa Goon more (even just a smidge of it). Anyway, thumbs up to Kim Seo Kyung for portraying Gon this way, worming in my heart after that fucking Hyun Suk betrayed us all. In the case of Yoon So Hee, she has her moments, but she still feels exhausted to me when she gets angry (except for that scene with Gon). I would have wanted an extra oomph from her, because Hwa Good could have been more likable on my part had she brought the same degree on intensity as the other leads.

The one receiving my ire once more (Actually, not just ire. I want so bad to slap him. I want to inflict physical character on him fucking asshole.) is the fake king. YOU FUCKING POSER GET OFF YOUR FUCKING HIGH HORSE AND FIGHT ME!!!!! (screams) He became a corrupted, guiltless puppet whose selfish intentions ruined the lives of those who actually care for him. FUCK YOU FAKE KING. Just when we thought he was in the right position to help the true king and his lover, jealousy takes over. AIN'T GONNA TAKE MY BABY GIRL'S HEART BASTARD. I hate him so much right now I want to run a sword through him, harakiri style. He fails to see how he would never win Ga Eun's heart. He actually had the nerve to console her after telling her of the true king's "death". FUCK YOU UGH DIE!!!!! In terms of acting, Kim Myung Soo actually played his role fine. While not to the level of his true counterpart (discussed later), he actually managed to bring about this rage within me (for his character).

(Pauses to take a deep breath)

Now, let's go to my babies because HOW DARE YOU WRITER-NIM HURTING THEM GAAAAAAAAAAAH (slaps left and right).

Let's start with our beloved Chung Woon. It's about damn time he confessed to Ga Eun that she was the one to behead her father. (I want to slap the true king for prolonging everyone's agony, but I'll let it slip this time because because because!!! You'll see later.) Can you see how understanding Ga Eun would have been had the truth been told to her all this time? (glares at writer-nim) The fact that she actually comes with Chung Woon proves that. Also, his bromance shone again in this episode, when Dae Mok used him as another bait for the true king to join Pyunsoo Group. WHY DID YOU DO THAT AHHHHHH WHY DID YOU BLIND MY CHUNG WOON! But maybe it is fitting for his guard career to end like this, his blindness as the price he paid for going with the late king's orders. But goodness, who will save the day now?

Another good thing in this episode was how Woo Bo bounced back to his usefulness being a true king's man. The subtle communication he had with the fake king provided him with the answers he needed, and I'm so damn excited for him to execute a plan of action versus Pyunsoo Group. By being fired, so to speak, Woo Bo was placed in the right position to sequester the loyal followers of the true king during his time as the chief peddler. Remember what the true king/chief peddler asks in return, the loyalty of the people he aided as he trained to become who he has been right now? This is the perfect time to call on them. And thank you, Park Chul Min, for being our endearing drunkard. I look forward to your "mental" battle with Dae Mok.

And now. MY BABIES. (hugs YSH and KSH)

 I'll start with the true king because damn Yoo Seung Ho, you're giving me a run for my money. This time, we see the true king fight Pyunsoo Group not as a leader, but as a lover. Do I hate him for it, for letting his emotions get the best of him? At first thought, I would have. That's reckless. That's insane. That's not worth it. (This is me speaking with my mind over matter perspective.) But then, watching the entire episode, facing Pyunsoo Group is some sort of rite of passage not just for him, but for Ga Eun as well. I like how dignified he carried himself at the beginning, and how Dae Mok broke him little by little until he was left with no other choice but to relent. He was a gentleman to Hwa Goon through it all, and his standing by his principles and his heart only made him shine all the more. He wouldn't take Hwa Goon because he was a decent person who wouldn't bring about that sort of pain even to his worst enemy. He wouldn't take power that was stolen or taken by spilled by blood. He would not be seduced by power, especially when it stemmed from evil. He would not ascend at the expense of other people, and that's what makes him a good person. I think that is what makes Hwa Goon not appeal to him, because at the core of her kindness towards him is the selfishness that would always be a step away from topping over the edge. We could hate him for his decisions, but we couldn't fault him for wanting what's best for those around him.

And when Dae Mok blinded Chung Woon and he suddenly screamed "Master Dae Mok!" Oh my gosh. I love watching the true king break down. So in character, so true of his vow as the leader of his people.

As a lover, he demanded respect for Ga Eun when she was unceremoniously dragged by Dae Mok's men because in his eyes, she is the rightful queen to his king. He would put her safety first, whether or not he knows that the odds are against him. He would risk his neck if that meant she would not be involved anymore. He took the poison to save Ga Eun, which was his initial intention. At this point, if it were any other actor/person, I would be screaming at how stupid he had been, but YOO SEUNG HO DAMN. He made us feel the depth of his love for the woman who always had his heart, and like any sucker for undying first loves, I succumbed to the storm of emotions brewing within me and cried my heart out.

And Han Ga Eun, the most powerful pawn in the show. The bait to both Lee Suns. The subject of hate and jealousy of Hwa Goon. This episode is another revelation to her, an extension of the trauma-inducing exchange with the true king. Finally, she asked the truth about her father's death to the right person. Finally, she held her own to Hwa Goon face to face (When she was slapped, I was like "Oh no you didn't!" Then when she stopped the latter from slapping her again, I was like "Yeah show her!"). Seriously, Hwa Good had no right after all her actions. Gets Ga Eun's father killed now this? Ha! Going back, I hate the fake king continued to appeal to her by using their old friendship. (One of these days, someone should hand me that asshole's ass.) Now that she would be concubine to the fake king, she would be in the perfect position to make things work for the good. Even if she thinks the true king dead (saving the best for last), I really, really hope they make the best use of her, as the last piece standing. Come to think of it, the queen is the most powerful chess piece right? I shouldn't but I am anticipating some showdown with her on the lead. She is the only hope of the "light" side with everyone thinking the true king dead. From what I could see, she is the best bet of the inner court with Mae Chang and the Chief Eunuch as her guide.

And lastly. Gosh. I know the mourning is short lived, but oh my gosh, did Kim So Hyun and Yoo Seung Ho make me cry like a baby. On the verge of taking the poppy wine, Ga Eun tried to prevent the true king from drinking the poison. The way she told him she would not forgive him for wasting her father's death, then the way she called him His Majesty and telling him that she already knows the truth (I really hate the writers right now for this torture, but I'll take what I can get.) Her desperate cries. Lee Sun calling her "Ga Eun-ah". The moment it hits him that she knows the truth.

The small smile he gave her before drinking the poppy wine (thinking about this scene makes me teary-eyed ugh come on). That small smile reminds me of that scene in Goblin wherein Kim Shin finally defeated the ghost of his enemy and realized that Eun Tak will be safe even at the cost of his immortal life. Here we have two men realizing that they finally get to do something good/save the women they love.

The way Lee Sun fell. The way Ga Eun held the sword to push it out of her way to hold Lee Sun. And that heartbreakingly sad confession. "From the first time I saw you, with all my heart, I loved you." His hand fell. Silence. That look of disbelief in Ga Eun's face. Then her cry. While Lee Sun's body was being carried away, the desperate way she tried to go after him.

WHY OH WHY IS THIS SCENE TORTURING ME

(Also, wow YSH and KSH. WOW. With Dae Mok clapping, you'd think he's clapping for the performance of the two rather than his victory.)

And her disbelief when the fake king confirmed (!!!!!!) that the true king is dead. "I still have so many things to tell him!" Reminds me of that scene in Moon Embracing the Sun when the court members stopped Yeo Jin Goo from running after Kim Yoo Jung as she was banished from the palace when she was cursed upon the request of the Queen Dowager. KSH gutted me.

I cried a lot. I'm so, so exhausted.

Anyway, to close this unbelievably long post, I think what appeals to me about RMOTM is the fine line power creates between good and evil. That the characters who are naturally good remain incorruptible makes me root for them all the more, good writing or not. RMOTM showed us the extremes these characters are willing to take to achieve their ultimate goals.

So to you who reached the end of this post, congratulations. I hope you don't feel as tired as I am composing this.

[oodlyenough]

kali watches iron fist so you don’t have to: 1.01-1.03

i’m watching iron fist for two main reasons, the first being that i’m going to watch the defenders and i have a compulsive need to Know Everything, and the second combined reason being that i wanna see colleen and claire. that’s ... pretty much it. for the record, though, as much as i may have gone into this anticipating that i would not like it based on the reviews, it’s not like i actively want to hate it -- i would very much like to not be bored by all of danny’s stuff in defenders, i would much prefer to be invested in all 4 of the leads and to feel like this dude is worthy of hanging around jessica, matt and luke, all of whom i adore. 

but here we are. so. if you wanted to know the basics but don’t want to watch, episodes 1-3:

my first overall impression of this show is that the reviews were more or less correct: the characters aren’t that compelling, the pacing is boring, the fight scenes (there’s been... like...... 3 so far) are nothing special.

the cast of characters:

danny is probably supposed to be perceived as sweetly naive, but is mainly infuriatingly oblivious. he frequently ignores the requests of women and laughs at them when they express that they feel threatened by them. “i’m not dangerous!” he insists quite often for a guy who, when angry, lashes out violently.

when he first meets colleen, he speaks mandarin to her unprompted. yeah.

marvel is no stranger to the “white guy you hate to love” trope, so it’s weird how much they missed the mark with danny. like, on the face of it, he shouldn’t be that much less likable than someone like tony stark, and yet. And Yet. there’s just not a lot going on here: humour or charm or warmth or ...anything, really.

colleen wing runs a dojo and at this point really just wants to live her life but fucking danny won’t leave her alone. i like colleen, but so far she hasn’t been given a lot to do besides be shown up by danny, who explains dojo custom to her, shows her how to fight better (yes, really) and flagrantly ignores her wishes at every turn. she is at this point just about danny’s only ally. free her.

colleen also participates in a fight club where she wins money... because she uses the trick danny taught her. where would we be without him?

brother and sister dynamic duo ward & joy meachum used to be danny’s childhood “friends”, and i use air quotes because in the early flashbacks we see, “friend” is probably the wrong word. more accurately they were danny’s babysitters slash bullies.

ward is a moustache-twirling bully maybe 5 years danny’s senior who obviously gave danny swirlies. canonically we are told he used to lock danny in the freezer. we see a flashback of him playing monopoly with danny, where he angrily tells danny that his dad says “rules are for PUSSIES” and knocks the tokens off the board and then tattles to the parents that danny is misbehaving five seconds later.

joy is supposed to be the nice one, i guess. joy is actually pretty horrible in these 3 episodes, like everyone else on the show, but ostensibly she is “the nice meachum”, whereby nice means “doesn’t lock children in freezers, probably”. i suspect her arc will be learning her family secrets and defecting to some kind of redemption arc, but she literally auctions off a human being’s liver for political gain, so, that redemption is gonna be a tough sell.

henry or harry or something meachum is the patriarch puppetmaster of this horrible clan, and he is “dead”. except he isn’t dead, he lives in a secret penthouse that he can’t leave for fear of reprisal from the Hand, and only his son and his manservant know he’s alive. joy believes he is dead. why all of this is true is part of the mystery of the show, i think, but i also zone out every time henry and ward have scenes because they are both boring people, so it’s hard to say for sure.

jeri hogarth from jessica jones fame is a long-lost family friend of danny, and the first person to easily believe he is danny rand because he tells her some anecdotes from the start of her career as a law intern at rand enterprises. (rand... corp? rand co? whatever.) she puts danny up in a BEAUTIFUL apartment she just happens to have lying around. danny takes his high-threadcount sheet and sleeps on the floor.  

the basic plot of these episodes is this:

danny rand arrives in new york looking like he is homeless, walks into the giant building that bears his family name, and announces to everyone that this is his building and he is danny rand. no one believes him, because danny rand is supposed to have died 15 years ago, and also he seemingly hasn’t showered in, like, a decade. 

he decides the way to convince people of his real identity is to beat up a bunch of security guards and force his way into the building. at this point you see that it is a plot necessity for danny to be white, because if he was not white and, as a seemingly homeless person, attacked a bunch of rich people, he would probably already have been killed by police like 15 minutes into the pilot

he also breaks into someone’s house. 

nobody believes danny is danny. that is essentially the plot of the first 2 episodes in their entirety.

danny also spends the first two episodes living on the streets, by which i mean meditating under a tree in the in-between scenes. the local other homeless people reach out to him, and he has these weird moments of “haha oh i’m not actually one of you!!” and the other homeless people sort of pityingly tell him where he can get shoes.

he doesn’t wear shoes for like two episodes. everyone asks him to put on shoes: the meachums, colleen, fellow homeless people 

one of his homeless pals has an iphone (stolen) and explains that it will have data briefly before the original owner cancels the contract. danny’s first act confronted with the internet is to vanity google “danny rand”

through this he learns that everyone believes he died in the plane crash that killed his parents, and that his parents’ company, “Rand”, is now run by family friends the meachum siblings.

claiming to not believe him, the meachum siblings conspire to drug danny and send him to some kind of psych ward which seems to just kidnap homeless people, diagnose and drug them. what follows is about an episode’s worth of danny being strapped to a bed and drugged while we do the “i AM danny rand” “no you’re not” argument repeatedly.

this includes joy mailing him some M&Ms and danny mailing her back only the brown ones, which joy considers incontrovertible proof this is Really Danny, since apparently as children they both refused to eat brown M&Ms even though literally every colour of M&M tastes exactly the same. ward convinces her this is just a crazy coincidence~~~

i am assuming based on their treatment of danny, as well as the weird meachum-family livestream in the hospital rooms, that this hospital place isn’t legitimate, but its real raison d’etre has yet to be explained and may never be.

danny finally manages to balance his chi (really), which allows him to activtae his glow-y fist superpower and break out of the psych ward. he shows up at colleen’s house and somehow convinces her to let him stay the night, promising he’ll leave the next day.

some goons come looking for him, colleen kicks their asses, and the next day danny refuses to leave, because he needs to “protect” her. colleen says she doesn’t need protection, fuck you very much, and they have a friendly spar match to prove that Actually danny is better at martial arts than she is.

he promises to pay her a year’s worth of rent if she’ll just let him stay for one week. “you don’t have any money” says colleen to a man who hasn’t worn shoes in two episodes. “of course i have money i’m danny rand!!!” says danny, who i guess thinks he can just walk into any bank and demand a billion dollars on the honour system. colleen relents, because she wants money.

danny shows up at joy’s house to try and make nice with her, and what follows is kind of baffling. it was also obvious from the start that joy meachum thinks danny might actually be danny rand, and she feels sort of bad about how she and her brother conspire to kidnap, drug and gaslight him, yet her apology is... to offer him $40m to fuck off, change his name and never lay claim to his family’s corporation.

like, to be clear, danny is pretty uninteresting and not especially sympathetic on account of how he talks over all the women in his life and has no significant redeeming traits, but he’s still drugged and ends up held in a “psych ward” strapped to a bed and forcefed sedatives while everyone tells him he’s insane, and joy’s reaction to all of this is kind of a shrug, because she and her brother Worked Hard For The MoneyTM and don’t want to share it with some jackass who had the audacity to be in a plane crash as a child

danny steals a children’s craft he made for her when they were kids, lawyers up, and threatens to take them to court for his shares in the company. he then follows ward home, where he discovers that the meachum patriarch is actually still alive, right before being shoved out a window, Game of Thrones style.

RIP iron fist

it probably sounds like i’m kidding. that’s seriously what happens. if only the series just ended now.