#my littlest meow meow who's never done anything wrong ever

[crispinkiss]

system collapse spoilers :)

i liked system collapse.

[leoandnemmie-blog]

Hii! Need Angst! Do you like angst? Well how about a MC tries to kill herself but the RFA saves her?

Angst is my middle name!… No it isn’t, I don’t have a middle name… But! I hope you enjoy! ~Admin LeoRequests are open!Warning: Triggers!

Yoosung:

-He was coming home from college when it was happening.-You took a blade and were about to cut yourself, you placing the blade and began to cut when Yoosung walked in and started yelling your name. You don’t reply though; thinking that you’ll leave his life for good now. You were only a nuisance anyways.-But then he runs into the bathroom and stares at you, it takes him a while to process the blade that you’re dragging across your wrist and the moment he realises he snatches the blade out of your hand and begins to rinse your hand under the water.-He’s screaming at you now and you can see tears running down his face but you can’t seem to process the words properly, you’re too shocked at what just happened.-He leaves the room and comes back with a first aid kit, he begins to bandage up your wrist and then he looks you in the eye and asks you what happened.-And so you spill it all out to him. What happened and why you’re feeling the way you are, he places his arms on your shoulders and begs you never to do that again. He can’t lose you, he’s already lost Rika. -So please don’t leave him, he won’t function without you. His life won’t be the same without you in it and you’re not a nuisance to him, you’re the place he calls home.Zen:   -His rehearsal was just finished and he was extremely happy to come home and see you  -But you weren’t in the living room waiting for him like usual, so he thought you were sleeping and decided to surprise you by waking you up with a kiss.-But when he entered the bedroom you weren’t sleeping, instead you were holding a bottle of pills and you had a couple in your hands-You weren’t suppose to have that much…-He freaks out and throws all the pills out of your hands and hugs you.-What’s wrong!? What happened?!-Give him something…! Anything! Just let him know what happened!-You tell him and he’s being really supportive during the entire thing, he listens to everything you say and doesn’t speak the entire time. When your done he hugs you and kisses the top of your forehead.-“Don’t ever think I don’t want you. I love you, I really do, I say it every morning and every night but I’ll say it more. I’ll send you texts saying I love you, I’ll call you sometimes just to tell you how much I love you and I’ll surprise you with visits just to show you I love you.”Jaehee: -What were you doing with that rope?-She was confused but she didn’t say anything to you as she walked in early from work.-She wanted to surprise you but now she just wanted to see what you were doing.-Why were you forming a noose though?-Oh.. No!-She snatches it out of your hand and throws it into the bin-She begins to make coffee for both of you to calm you down.-Asks what happened but she won’t force you to tell her-If you do decide to tell her she’ll be extremely comforting. -She evens knows how to cheer you up-Recommends that you see a therapist -But when she hears you say that you think you aren’t good enough for her she begins to cry, that’s her own insecurity. She hugs you and she says all the good things about you. -She never wants you to leave her. Never. Jumin: -When he came home Elizabeth the 3rd kept meowing, and if that wasn’t strange enough you weren’t there to greet him.-He was confused as to where you were but then Elizabeth the 3rd got up and began walking to the bathroom only to see you plug in your hairdryer and you’re about to put it in the bathtub when he stops you.-He asks what you were doing and you come clean much to his shock-He… Doesn’t understand why-Did he do something? Did something happen with your family? Did someone say something to you?-You tell him everything that happened to you even though he doesn’t press, besides there shouldn’t be any secrets between the two of you.-He wraps his arms around you and slowly whispers everything he loves about you, from your personality to the way you smile at the littlest things-But you can’t leave him; he’ll never forgive himself if you do. So please don’t leave him, he’ll do whatever it takes to make you stay.-You’re the only one he could ever love; he’ll make sure you never forget that by doing even the simplest things to make you happy. 707/Saeyoung/Luciel: -Saeyoung had left the house a few hours ago to hang out with Zen and Saeran had left to go go for a walk-So you decided to go find one of Saeyoung’s guns-It took you a while to find one and for a moment you thought he was carrying them or if he threw them out.-When you tried to shoot yourself though you found out there was no ammo and so you decided to look in his wardrobe, certain that you saw some there last night.  -With all the noise you were making though, you couldn’t hear him enter the house and come near the room. -He was planning to surprise but when he jumped in to scared you he saw you whispering something with the barrel of a gun placed up against your temple-He screamed and you could hear him crying as he tackled you to get the gun out of your grip. -You let him have it though, and you looked away in shame. You were pathetic, how could he even be with you?-But he understands, he suffers from depression himself. Heck, he’s even contemplated suicide, maybe even attempted it.-He can’t lose you though, you’re not allowed to leave him. He asks you what happened and after you tell him he cuddles with you, telling you that you’re beautiful the way you are. That everyone who’s hurt you is not worth it.-“You let me see the light when all I could see was the dark, now it’s my turn to let you see the light.”-Whenever you look upset, he’ll tell you stories of things that had happened with the RFA and even reminisces with you in hopes to cheer you up. -Who would he even be without you anymore? You couldn’t leave him, he wasn’t going to let you go. -Ends up having to hide the firearms better in case you feel suicidal again.-You could never find them again because you never wanted to.

[beyondthetemples-ooc]

...Oh. Right. THAT’S why I wanted to leave this place.

(I’ve made peace with being Relegated to stay here and unable to Pay for Anything Else.)

but i suppose i will never be able to make peace with my stepmother.

what i wrote on discord sums it up.

“me: falls down the stairs because i was afraid i'd step on the cat. wineglass i was carrying: empty but falls down the stairs and breaks.

Stepmother: What did  you break? procession: scolding me for taking a glass to my room as if i'm the only person in the house that does it (spoiler alert: literally All of us do it), and as if i'm the only person who's ever broken a dish. (gee, yeah i'm okay, i didn't pull a muscle or anything. the cat's fine, thanks for asking.)

thanks for the reminder on why i wanted to leave though.

my stepmother literally has Never shown any concern for my health and wellbeing. Ever. i guess i was starting to confuse the Absence of Negative Interactions for a Neutral Co-Existence.......... My mistake.”

.......  well, to be fair. she’s come with me to the hospital, but unless i am Literally Dying, i don’t matter as much as my siblings (she has literally told me I should starve myself to feed them), I don’t get any favorable treatment or favors at all unless I repay her somehow. I don’t deserve anything more (”maybe if you did this”, “maybe if you didn’t say that”, maybe if I wasn’t myself, maybe if I just let her treat me however she wanted to and never, ever spoke up about it?).

every single cup in the house has someone’s name on it. (Not literally, but it’s Someone’s and we’re Not Supposed to Use It unless we’re Them.)

I don’t have any that are mine. (Or, well, at least that anyone is keeping away from coffee so they can REMAIN mine. everyone just uses mine and doesn’t care. whatever.)

So I’ve taken to using the wineglasses. Because, first off, it feels nicer in my small, thin hands, okay? The weighted balance is grounding. And they’re always clean, because nobody else uses them, as if they’re Forbidden Goods that exist only to Look Pretty in the Cupboard. When they’re literally just Glasses with Tails. (And I like them because I feel a little more elegant, and comparing my glorious astral existence to this cumbersome human body, I can use all the Elegance Feelings i can get. i have body dysphoria in the worst way, and that’s... for having a human body at all....)

...But, okay. so I’ve been doing this for three months, using the wineglasses for juice, water, cold-brew tea, anything really. and mostly i’ve washed them after using them.

Sure, I have a couple of mugs that are My Own. but the apple one is cracked and coffee-stained, the leaf one got lost in the move, the starry one is with my mother, and the lavender one is the only mug i have. but i take it into my room at night to sip tea before bed, i keep it in my room so noone puts coffee in it. and sometimes i’ve already eaten a bit of my meal in the kitchen while I was cooking, and don’t want to run up and down the stairs just to grab a cup for water, because one round of up-down on the stairs can upset my stomach if i’ve eaten literally ANYTHING.

so i grab the wineglasses. because they don’t smell like mildew also, that’s.... a thing. (don’t use towels to dry your dishes and let them sit for 12+ hours. Everything On That Towel will Smell Like Mildew. and my appetite wanes thin enough as it is. i can’t afford to LOSE it based on weird cup smells? and i’d put them away myself, but by the time i get home from work they’ve already been there for hours, and i REALLY need to eat, and again: not gonna get mildew smell on my body.)

so anyways.

i could write a damned essay on why it’s really stupid to forbid me from using formal glasses that you never use anyways, and how teacups and mugs are just as breakable, not to mention ceramic plates and bowls, and why am I the only person you’re coming down on for when I take dishes into my room, when literally Everyone Else Does It... it’s a year-plus long Thing.

But tonight, I tried to avoid stepping on the cat (who was meowing at me for food because neglecting the cats is Okay in this house, apparently), and I tripped while carrying the wineglass downstairs so I could wash it. And the wineglass fell when I reached out so I could catch myself and, you know, not break my neck?

So the wineglass fell down the entire flight of stairs and broke.

Naturally: instead of making sure I was okay, stepmom launches right into a tirade about how I shouldn’t use wineglasses and be more careful and shouldn’t take dishes to my room or use THEIR dishes and it was so inconsiderate of me to use their dish and break their glass and “let’s see how you feel when I break something of yours”.

.......Gee, yeah, I’m SO glad you care about my wellbeing!

All I wanted to do was clean it up, because obviously: broken glass, whole staircase? Cat trying to go downstairs? Not a safe situation. But all she wanted to do was tell me how Wrong I was and when I tried telling her about all the other dishes being someone else’s and there aren’t any other ones I can use, she became very irksomely possessive over the things that they told me when I moved in that I could use whenever I needed to.

(Which, again: Not unusual for her to go back on her word. At all. In fact, it’s a miracle when she actually UPHOLDS it, ever, even ONCE in a season.)

...i just....

........don’t want to live where the person who abused me for 10+ years won’t even let me use a stupid cup because it’s Not Mine It’s Theirs, and the material things she can buy a set of 4+ at the dollar store are more important than me being okay? and it’s Always like this????

i’d been really good about staying out of her way the past couple years. (Our work/sleep schedules are usually Exact Opposites, so I think that helps too.)

But when the littlest thing goes wrong, it’s not “resolve and move on and assure love and understanding” with her, it’s “attack and demand and put down”. Which makes her feel better but “heaven forbid”, she consider the other person involved in the conversation..... how hard it must be for her to shift her perspective just ten degrees to the left, if she can’t even see the damage her words have done.

(She still doesn’t believe that screaming at a 10-year-old for putting a dish in the wrong cupboard was Abusive.)

why do i try?

why do i try to talk to her? ever???

why do i even care?

ugh. fucking GOD i just don’t want to care.

i want to get out of here and leave her behind and...

...well. maybe it’s a good fucking thing after all that Certain Viewings have cracked the Nexus doors because i’m a lot less okay than i thought i was gonna be about this and i’m... gonna have to do Something. and last time, It Helped. but this time? i don’t know.

i hate that it breaks me down like this. i know it shouldn’t. i know i shouldn’t care. i know i shouldn’t allow her opinion of me and shallow-minded materialistic tirades to affect me. but the fucked dependency of human nature to a Care Provider in the Years of Early Developement has fucked up my relationship with her beyond belief. and i feel like if i tried to cut her from my life, i would never see my father or siblings again.

(i don’t even want to do that, what i REALLY want to do is be able to get along, to talk to her, to be open and honest and know she Cares like she always claims she does. but there’s no evidence and it feels so fucking stupid and clingy and dependent to want the approval of someone who doesn’t even really care about anything other than her own self-induced obligations and self-gratifying actions taken on what She Thinks She Should Be. and screw what anyone else wants or needs, it’s all about her own validation.....)

.............i didn’t mean to rant.

but i don’t know how else to untangle these feelings. it’s like a coiled spring trapped in a box keeping it compressed. it’s stable there, as long as you don’t mess with it. but open the box, and good fucking luck getting it back in...