#my little sister once edited this so it was like someone took a snapchat of him at kfc trying to buy grapes and bananas

[perfunctory-idols]

Beck in Rolling Stone Magazine, October 1997

Photo by Chapman Baehler

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #177

“i get pretty just to fuck my face up.”

What’s your favorite flavor of ice pop? Strawberry or watermelon. Do you like animal print? What’s your favorite print? Not particularly, but I suppose jaguar. What do you think of foot tattoos? Surprisingly, not a big fan. It's gotta be cute, well-placed, and small. Did your senior class in high school have a class trip? Where did you go? Maybe? I don't remember. What do you normally order at Dunkin Donuts? Chocolate frosted. What do you drink with dinner? It varies. Can be soda, water, milk... Peanuts or sunflower seeds? I don't like either. What is your favorite grocery store to shop at, and how often do you shop for groceries? Sam's Club totally has the best deals, but I don't make the shopping calls here. Who is your favorite character from the last movie you watched? Uhhh the super paranoid lady whose actress is a legend. Where did you have your first kiss? What about your last kiss? His bed; airport. What is the last thing you spoke to your father about? Phone bill. Who do you feel you have the most in common with? Sara. Who in your life causes you the most stress or negative feelings? Myself. Have you ever apologized to someone, but didn’t mean it? I'm sure at some point. What is the one thing that you can’t resist? Reese's, I sometimes cannooooot tell myself no to a Mtn. Dew Voltage, wanting to pet an animal even if it's dangerous, and uhhh I'm sure there's more. Have you ever done another person's homework for money? No. If you could play any piece of music on an instrument, what would it be? Teach me the ending piece from WKM on the piano so I could ruin myself further than just listening to it already does. Have you ever treated someone like they were nothing? I don't believe so. If you could ask 5 questions and get an exact answer, what would you ask? Oh yikes, deep one. Um... 1.) what is the cure for cancer, 2.) cure for Alzheimer's/dementia, 3.) cure for HIV/AIDS, 4.) how can/is it even possible to obtain world peace, and 5.) will I be stable in the future are what come to mind first. Does it frighten you when animals get into fights? I GET VERY SCARED FOR THE ANIMALS. When you were little did you touch just about everything in the store? YUP YUP YUP. Do you ever leave your drinks out in the open at a party? N/A, but I absolutely would not. Ever suffered from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder? Yes. Who is someone you’ll always hate? No one I personally know. How many people do you trust 100 percent? Just one. I would include Mom, but I know she lies about Dad. Do you think you could survive a month of solitary confinement? NO, I really think I'd lose it and kill myself. Do you often start books, yet never finish them? I don't read, but I'd do that if I didn't like it. When was the last time you felt abandoned by someone? Idr. Does the sight of blood gross you out? No. Have you ever gone through a red light? No. Do you fail to stop for stop signs, sometimes? No. What is your favorite eye color in the opposite sex? Blue. When you are sad, do you cheer yourself up, or look to others? It depends, but I usually begin with the former. During which year of your life were you the most unhappy? 2016 can been damned by God themselves. Have you ever seen a bluejay in person? Yes. Have you ever eaten grass/leaves? Probably as a kid. Do you typically like green-colored candies? Yeah! Apple flavor is the bomb.com. Who is the most energetic and happy person you know of? Ryder, my nephew. Who makes you smile the most often? Sara Jane. :') How do you express your happiness? I'm louder, more talkative, goofier. When was the last time you did a good deed? Uhhh idk. It's a tiny thing, but I suppose you could count me getting my old man bub with arthritis up on the bed when he wanted up. What songs make you happy? Lots... Do you like to sing? Sometimes, but I'm not good at it. Where is somewhere that holds fond memories for you? Ummm the little pond behind the community college where we took our first prom photos. That whole day was just extremely magical, and passing it is a severe PTSD trigger so if for whatever reason we're driving past there, Mom goes around it. I did pass it a few months back when I was taking pictures of flowers around the college and I was okay, probably because I didn't even glance at it. What do you think of the gothic stereotype? # A E S T H E T I C Have you ever encountered a black widow? Yup. What scares you, more than anything else? Ending up alone/losing all those I love. Has an animal ever peed on you? Lol yeah...  Pet rodents have multiple times when getting them accustomed to being held, a puppy probably has, and Venus (my snake) did once after I held her for like an hour, aha. Couldn't be mad at that angel, she was obviously so comfy. What would make a cool substitute color for the sun? Pink. Is purple a good color for a car? Sure. Do you prefer green or purple/red grapes? Purple; crisper. What is something you like that is sour? Warheads. What was the spiciest thing you’ve ever eaten? Some hot wings at BWW with one of the hottest sauces. When was the last time you had a real deep chat? Idk, I'm sure something with Sara. Who did you last see on webcam? I've no idea. Have you ever discovered something gross in your food at McDonalds? No. What’s your favorite flavor of Ramen? I only like the spicy chicken Yakisoba ones. Have you ever spent the night in jail? No. Name a really popular television show you never got into: Ha, a lot. Game of Thrones, for one, but I'd be willing to give it a second chance via more episodes and a different attitude and actually kinda want to. Sara, add that to our list. Do you listen to any unsigned bands/singers? Who? No, I don't believe so. I need to start listening to my old friend's band, though, because I really want to support them; they work so hard and are very serious about taking their band somewhere. Nova Mortis if you're interested and like heavy metal. What do you find really interesting? THE PARANORMAL, for one. Genetics, psychology, fossils, abandoned buildings and shacks, natural selection and evolution, outer space, differences in languages and cultures, and so much more. Who is your favorite video game character? Spyro! What kind of pictures do you post on Facebook/Instagram/Snapchat most frequently? I like never post pictures, but selfies on FB, then I have two photography Instagrams. Do you remember the first person you felt sexually attracted to? Seriously, Jason. Have you ever been on vacation with a significant other? No. Is there anything on your bucket list that you’re hoping to cross off soon? A lot of things, but. Probably won't be soon as many include travel. Of all of your friends’ significant others, who do you get along with best? And least? Sam's wife Kieley is an absolute doll; least, idk. What would your life be like if you had married your first love? HAHAHAHAHA I REEEEEAAAAALLY DON'T WANT TO PICTURE THAT KNOWING NOW HE DIDN'T/DOESN'T BELIEVE IN ME AND CAN'T COMMUNICATE FOR SHIT. What is the most difficult or time-consuming thing you’ve ever cooked? Would you make it again? N/A Have you ever had a platonic friend that everyone insisted you should be in a relationship with? Girt, hardcore. Eventually did, but we know how that went. Is there anything about a person’s sexual past that might stop you from wanting to date them? Yup: if they've assaulted someone, prostitution is involved, casual flings/one-night stands have happened, being/have been a porn star, cheated before. If someone asked your closest friends/family members what career path might suit you best, what do you think they would say? Like, everyone will answer that question with "vet." Have you ever considered “unplugging”/taking a significant period of time away from technology? lol nope I doubt I'd last a day with no technology. Do you use a photo editor? Lightroom, Photoshop, sometimes PhotoScape. Is your dad overweight? Quite the opposite. Ever been honked at? Yeah. Which do you prefer, doctor or dentist? Dentist; I'm never nervous for them. Name two things you put whipped cream on? I haaaate whipped cream. Texture thing. Favorite thing you’ve ever painted? Two meerkats grooming, done on a huge thing of burlap. What’s your favorite type of sushi? Never tried, never will. Have you ever had an ulcer? No. What’s the name of the most recent baby a friend has had? Scarlett. Have you ever taken medication to help you fall asleep faster? Yup. I had a long insomnia streak where I physically couldn't sleep without Melatonin. What is your current favorite song? I'm hooked on "The Bottom is a Rock" by Mother Mother rn. If you had to move to another country, where would you move? Canada. Do you have a balcony? No. Are you jealous of anyone, even mildly? If so, who? Yeah, my sisters, as well as some real successful friends. Have you ever done a craft you saw in a magazine? No. Have you ever made a recipe you found in a magazine? No. Who is a singer that has given you chills? Celine Dion, Loreena McKennitt, Sebastian Bach, David Draiman, and Amy Lee off the top of my head. What act would you perform in a talent show? I wouldn't, I got nothin'. What area are you the most gifted in, do you think? Um... writing, I guess? Which style of wedding dress is your favorite? BALLGOWN BITCH Do you enjoy editing videos? Ye! Do you enjoy editing photos? Yup. Who do you think is the most attractive actor? I see u Jason Momoa. Have you ever been caught doing something REAL embarrassing by your parents? I don't believe so. Do you believe in reincarnation? No. Do you have any of your neighbors as friends on Facebook? No. When was the last time you thought about sex, or sexual things? Ummm within the past few days probably, at least briefly? Are there any flowers planted outside your house? We have a tall bush that sprouts big, pink flowers, if that counts. Does anyone in your family smoke? Dad. What was the very first election you voted in? I haven't yet. Do you have a drone? No. Are you the type that’s too ashamed to ask for or use directions? No, rather too shy. Were you tired when you woke up this morning? YEAH. I slept like shit and had to get up early for a VR assessment. You overhear two people gossiping about you; what do you do? I feel like I'd say something sarcastic to them. Or be more mature about it and ask why. Or cry. Are you proud of who you are? Eh, only in certain areas... Is your vision good? I can barely read the line below the big "E." So no lmao. Are you a legal adult? Yeah but idk how. Has anyone ever called you a flirt? No. What was the last compliment your received? The assessment lady at VR loved my hair. Do you know any sign language? No. Who was the last person to give you a gift? Sara, on our anniversary. Do you trust the media? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA BITCH NO. If you could kill off one species of animal, which would it be? Can gnats like????? not???????? Idk if they have a single useful function????????? What kind of cookies are your favorite? Chocolate chip. Who’d you last say I love you to? My mom. What’s the most overpaid job in your opinion? I'm not educated on this enough to give you an informed answer. What’s the last thing you wrote down? Working out a math problem during the assessment. When’s the last time you didn’t sleep in your own bed? Over a month ago. When’s the last time you heard a gunshot? Idk. Who’d you get mad at last? Myself. What’s the last thing that annoyed you? Bentley wouldn't listen. When’s the last time you gave someone advice? I think yesterday? Do you think you’re lucky, unlucky, or neither? Neither. Who did you last disappoint? Myself. Do you enjoy learning? Of course!!!! I mean there're subjects I have no interest in and don't enjoy, but learning as a whole is great. People say you learn something new every day, so what did you learn today? Well it was nothing big, but that I could return Miku before she got hurt since Mitsu didn't appreciate a new "buddy." Yes or no: eyebrow piercings? They can look super badass or awful depending on your face and eyebrow thickness imo. When I say The Beatles, what is the first song that comes to mind? "Yellow Submarine" even tho I hate that song???? In your opinion, what is the very worst type of weather? Hot and humid, especially with no breeze. Just no. You can only listen to 1 band for the rest of your life, who do you pick? DON'T MAKE ME. What is something that you had to learn the hard way? DON'T. THINK. A RELATIONSHIP. IS WITHOUT A SINGLE CHANCE. OF. SOMEONE. LEAVING. EVEN. IN THE MOST "SECURE" ONES. When was the last time you felt like your heart was actually breaking? Ahhhh I'm not sure. Either something with Mom or Sara. Who was the last person you cried in front of? Mom. If your ex called you right now, would you answer? I don't have his number, so I wouldn't answer. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with? Sara. Do you want your tongue pierced? It is. 10/10 recommend for cute factor, but 0/10 for the healing process and pain asjfawiwo. Mine's through the very tip of my tongue and because that area is so sensitive, it was so painful that I became immediately nauseous. Pain didn't entirely vanish for almost two weeks. BUT I have zero regrets, so worth it. Is there something that happened in your past you hate talking about? Yeah. What’s one thing in your life that you wish you could change? Financial position. Have you ever been in a perfect relationship? Ha, don't ever believe those exist. Do you still talk to the person who broke your heart the most? Nope. Have you ever done something sexual that you regret? Ummm I don't believe so. Well, I don't know if I'd take back going all the way or whatever the fuck that was, maybe I would. idk Ever had a person who was obsessed with you so much that it scared you? No. Can you drive, and if you can, do you like it? I'm capable, but I don't enjoy it at all. Have you ever said anything to the last person you kissed that you regret? Yeah, being in a shit mood and/or being impulsive with my words. Do you like french fries? Who the FUCK sayin no to this. Have you ever ate so much you puked? No. Do you care about what others think of your physical appearance? To some degree/in certain aspects. Would you rather eat cookies or brownies? Probs brownies. Have you ever played a drinking game? Which ones? No. Are you good with managing your finances? I don't. Not in that position yet. What is the closest pizza place to your house? Domino's. Do you have any silly nicknames or pet names? Hmmmm no. Are you any good at drawing? Some things. Is there anything unusual about your house? No. Can you maintain a text conversation or do you run out of things to say? I think I'm good at keeping *text* convos going, surprisingly. Do you find it hard to talk to strangers, even people who work in stores? YEAH!!!!!!! Have you ever tasted goat’s milk? No. Did you ever take classes for a musical instrument when you were younger? Yup. Band member all through middle school, stopped after my junior year of HS. Do you snore when you sleep? No, but I talk a loooot. Who is the first person who broke your heart? Dad. Do you know anyone who has fought in a war? Jason's dad was in the Navy. What religion are you? Theist, which basically just entails me believing there's a god/goddess/some sorta beginning deity, but hell if I know anything about them. I make my own guesses. Who is the last person you gave a ride to, and where did you take them? I don't have a license or my own car. What is the last thing you untruthfully denied? Hm. I'm not sure. Have you ever ridden on a real train? No. Name ONE good memory about your last ex? He's absolutely hilarious and I miss hanging out more! Would you consider yourself dishonest? Not gonna bullshit and claim I never am, but in general, no. Do you tend to let people break through your walls easily? HAHA YEAH RIGHT. What are you superstitious about? Nothing. What is the coolest thing you can do? Oh boy, hell if I know. I know from experience people are often surprised how even skittish animals/pets seem to be drawn to me; does that count? Is there anyone you want to hook up with that you haven’t? Not my thing.

[cheonjaem-blog]

wanna one as types of boyfriends

yoon jisung:

the walking meme. everything he does is fucking hilarious. you literally have 2000 photos of him on your phone which could be edited into potential memes. there’s never a sad/boring day in your life. he’s actually always super excited about everything and you always sometimes question his mental age but you still think it’s really cute. always makes stupid puns and jokes to make you laugh (that sometimes even results to self degradation). all that makes him happy is seeing you smile, so he makes that his daily goal. likes to send you weird pictures of him using different filters on snapchat that you obviously screenshot. he’s super funny and your whole family loves him, especially the kids. “auntie when are you getting married to uncle jisung?” “soon” “um jisung wtf stop lying to the kids” “i never said i was lying”

ha sungwoon:

the tea sipper. he has the dirt on everyone, and i mean everyone. knows what’s going on in your life, your neighbor’s life, and your second cousin’s uncle’s grandfather’s life. your dates consist of gossiping with the neighborhood aunties every week at the book club he organized. wants to know how your day is and knows you so well that he can tell when your feeling down. sings to make you feel better, and if that doesn’t make you smile, he’ll probably pull out the big guns and start dancing to girl’s day something. doesn’t mind embarrassing himself if it makes you happy :’). doesn’t like it when you call him cute bc he’s “manly not cute”. tries to fight other people when they talk shit about you. talks a lot!!! like when you’re trying to catch some z’s, all he does is talk about how your neighbor’s husband is cheating on her with her sister??? “omg don’t tell anyone but jisoo’s husband is cheating on her with her own sister” “wtf how do you know?? did you stalk her husband again??” “no way, i was throwing away the trash and i saw them?? coincidentally??”

hwang minhyun:

the perfectionist. a little ocd and always needs everything to be super clean and organized. he told you that he had perfect attendance in school and always had straight a’s. his skin is perfect, his visuals are perfect, and his voice is perfect. sometimes you feel like he’s too good for you, but then you remember how much of an awkward loser he is in real life. texts you the most romantic things, but can’t say it in person to you. you like to tease him a lot for being an awkward antisocial person. very easily embarrassed person. not a big pda person. blushes a lot. doesn’t know how to convey his feelings into words or actions, but it’s okay bc you know he’s trying hard. he looks like a cold tsundere but sike he’s a soft mochi on the inside. smiles a lot more now bc “you make me happy i guess”. 

ong seongwoo:

the prankster. he loves messing around with you and pissing you off. one time he put blue dye into your body wash and you came out of the shower looking like a smurf. you guys end up having prank wars and once you even super glued his feet into his shoes. when he’s not thinking of ingenious plans to prank you, he’s actually a really sweet boyfriend. sometimes he takes you out on spontaneous dates to that fancy restaurant across town to make up an excuse to see you wear a beautiful dress. but he loves taking you on midnight rides. like he’ll drive you in silence as you enjoy the night sky and talk to you about random things and let you rant about your inner thoughts. “stop staring at me ong!! focus on the road” “you’re just too beautiful. you distracted me”

kim jaehwan:

the musician. he confessed to you in broad daylight while playing the guitar and singing a song written for you. you guys were sitting on a bench in the city and he randomly whips out his guitar and starts singing. a crowd gathers around you eventually, and they cheer when you accept his confession. he likes to write songs in the middle of the night, so you’ll probably wake up at 3 AM and hear him playing random chords on the piano and writing lyrics in the dark. he writes songs thinking about you and likes to sing to you when you have trouble sleeping. also super extra!! likes to boast about things that he can’t do like karate and playing soccer. he told you that he used to play soccer in middle school, but when you actually took him out to play he said “yeah i played soccer. i played fifa” “ugh i hate you so much right now”

kang daniel:

the gamer. he’s a huge fucking loser, and he loves playing league and overwatch and basically every game ever. tried to teach you how to play league once but you never understood anything, so he ended up carrying the team and winning. spends 95% of his time indoors, but he also likes to cuddle with you when he’s gaming. makes you sit on his lap while he wraps his arms around you and rests his chin on your head when he plays. likes taking you to comicon or any other nerdy convention. but it’s endearing to see him so excited about cosplayers. “cosplay with me next year” “lol how about a no”

park jihoon:

the prince. on top of his handsome looks and dancing skills, he was also born with a silver spoon in his mouth. buys you everything you’ve ever wanted and then some. but you’re not interested in materialism ok yes you are but you’re more interested in him. so he doesn’t really understand love?? like he’s always been loved by his parents but he tries his hardest to convey his feelings for you without extravagant gifts. like this is the first time someone told him that they didn’t want a new car and he doesn’t understand why you don’t want a mercedes benz but it’s your loss?? he takes you to nice dates at super expensive high end restaurants while you assure him that getting a take-away pizza is always fine too. wears gucci and givenchy and saint laurent and tries to buy you clothes from there too but one dress is worth more than your life??? he likes to sleep on your shoulder while you stroke his hair. really cute relationship full of $$$. if you need a sugar daddy you know who to call. “you want a new car?” “wtf no i want a new boyfriend” “>:((((”  

park woojin:

the shy turned wild one. yeah he was really shy when you first met but now he wildin. you tried taking him to a family party once but he was getting too into his dancing and ended up grinding the floor. what happened to the shy bean that couldn’t look you in the eye?? sometimes he’s still really shy around people he just met, and he kind of attaches himself to you. but dancing really makes him let everything go, and he tries to teach you choreographies to your favorite songs. taught you how to dance to red velvet and exo and rap to okey dokey. dates consists of dance lessons and chilling at home watching smtm together. bet milk tea on who’s going to make it to the finals. “yo it’s gonna be nucksal” “oh hell no i’m betting on hangzoo” “wow it’s only bc you like zico & dean more smh i thought you loved me”

bae jinyoung:

the nerd that turned hot. you known him since elementary school but boy did he glow up in high school. the last thing you remember was him being that smart nerd that never talked, but now he has a whole army of girls chasing after him. outside appearance may have changed but he’s still a nerd. dates consists of chilling at home and watching the latest episode of the anime y’all like while cuddling. takes you to animecon where you cringe at the weebs but where he enjoys every moment of it. likes taking you to manga and anime stores. dreams of going to japan with you. also likes to buy you cute couple charms for your phone. “i bought you the touka charm bc you’re the touka to my kaneki” “you’re such a fucking weeb lmao but sasaki is better”

lee daehwi:

the foreign swagger. yeah he lived in america for 4 years, that’s why he’s here man. just kidding, he’s a super adorable boyfriend that sometimes mixes up his languages when he’s flustered. super caring and always frets over you. nags you a lot when you get sick. “i told you not to go outside without a jacket!” but really good music tastes. makes different spotify playlists for you to listen to when you’re sad or tryna to get turnt. likes shopping dates!! he is your personal fashion designer and buys cute dresses when he thinks you look cute in them. “i thought this color suited you really well, so i bought it!” “um but it says it’s $300″ “oops?”

lai guanlin:

the athlete. he likes every sport but he’s super obsessed with basketball dude. like he’ll take you out to the nearest basketball court to shoot with him even if you can’t make a shot for your life. dw he’ll teach you the proper shooting form and how to dribble. you’ll end up having lots of cute basketball dates and afterward he’ll probably take you out for ice cream. likes to rest his head in your lap as he practices his shooting form laying down. lots of after-practice cuddles. “ew guanlin you’re so sweaty. get off of me” “no i like staying with you like this”

[boneandwillow]

Social Media

It may be an unknown thing to a lot of people, but I am an introvert. My favourite thing in the world, is to be alone.

It energises me.

I do enjoy socialising, partying, going out and doing spontaneous activities and adventures. It’s just that after; I need to unwind, decompress and be by myself to recharge. Cocoon for a while, if you will, then I can be a social butterfly again.

At the start of the year (2019) I noticed that I have been feeling like I can’t do that. I spent ages trying to figure out why.

Then it dawned on me.

So I was born in ‘85. I grew up in the 90’s and was a young teenager when mobile phones and the internet became accessible for most of the “everyday” families in Australia. My dad was the only one in the family who actually had a mobile phone, and it resembled a skinny brick and was quite heavy. When I was in my late teens MSN chat was becoming huge, it was still dial up internet - and if my family needed the phone, I had to get off the computer. I did have my own mobile at this point. The Nokia 3210, a hand me down from my parents. Text and calls were all it could do, and texting wasn’t huge because not all my friends had phones. Home phones, were the main source of voice calls - mobiles were more used for away from home. There were some times that I didn’t use my mobile until the weekend.

By 19 I had purchased my own mobile, a flip phone. That had a coloured screen (still very pixelated) and a few games on it. Apps weren’t around yet, and it basically was used to just text or call and ease boredom in waiting rooms as I edited basic phone pics (“oh look, I can make all these pics black and white” kinda thing) or played games like ‘snake’. It always felt odd taking a picture with my phone, I mean it was a phone not a camera! I still took my camera out with me everywhere to actually take photos, phone pics just didn’t cut it.

When I was in my early 20’s MySpace was the latest thing and that was accessed only on computers… there were whispers of FB but MySpace was where it was at. You could customise your page with cute links, pictures and even play music as people clicked on your profile… it was a way to show very curated version of yourself and everyone was adding each other and checking daily to see where they sat on the “top friends” list… it could get quite cutthroat!

I was living in Cronulla with my younger sister then, and the only time I could check MySpace was when I get home from work or on the weekends. You would go on for an hour or two, update a few things - snoop on cute boy’s profiles and then be done with it for a while.

Around 23 I got an iPhone. Hellooooooo apps! It was crazy! Tetris, car race games, sudoko - proper picture editing apps… a camera on my phone that was just as good as an actual camera (well almost) but it meant that I could start to leave the camera at home and ease up some room in my bag when going out….

MySpace was fading out… FB was getting bigger amongst our group of friends… we would virtually throw ‘sheep’ or ‘poke’ each other to let everyone know when we were online or wanted to chat. Phone calls and texting were your main way of communicating. It wasn’t until FB started asking us “what are you doing” and then later “what’s on your mind” that people started posting content on their profiles and on others too. It was all pretty exciting and new.

We soon learnt that people would abuse or misuse these prompts… sharing personal things, like fights with partners or parents. Airing dirty laundry or disclosing secrets or information they shouldn’t (dramaaaaa). But not everyone was misusing it, but just posting every single thing and every little tidbit of their life - the good, bad and occasionaly the ugly.

Now, please don’t misunderstand me - there is nothing wrong with sharing, and for many people it is a way to connect and reach out. Heck, I do it through blogging.

However I did realise for someone like me, who needs to be alone to recharge… seeing everyones lives being displayed on Social Media, meant that I wasn’t getting the down time that my brain needed.

Maybe it’s because of the era I grew up in, which is why I tried to explain it a bit. Where we have slowly (well maybe not that slowly) been exposed to more and more of people’s lives.

We don’t need to ask what people did on the weekend. We saw it.

How was the wedding? Oh it’s ok I already saw all the pics.

Children don’t have to tell their grandparents about their achievement when they see them in person, because mum or dad already posted it up.

Again, I’m not saying any of this is bad.

I am saying that I am missing human connection, as well as not getting a break from everyone at the same time.

So, I muted you all... yep - muted or unfollowed.

Snapchat, I deleted altogether. Instagram and Facebook, I came up with my own algorithm for unfollows and mutes. The closer you are to me/ the amount of content you post - determined how much or how little I muted of you.

My best friend, she posts on social media once a blue moon (if that) - she isn’t muted, I also don’t get to see her as much as I used to so I want to see bits and pieces that she does post.

Family members; I have a few that post daily, if not multiple times I day - mute, unfollow, mute, and mute. Now when I see them and they tell me something, I am genuinly interested and happy to hear it all. Because it is all new information.

Celebs, bloggers that interest me and other creative things I like to look at - post constantly, but none of them are muted because it does not make me feel drained to watch them. I have no personal connection to any of them - it’s just interesting to me.

It is honestly nothing personal to those who may be reading this and realising “haaaang on a minute, she hasn’t like anything of mine in ages!?!” I just couldn’t handle it all anymore. It did take some time to adjust, because I would feel bad and search people at first, because there was that “addiction” to knowing - but just because I can know, doesn’t mean that I should. Not if it is not helpful for my own mental health.

None of this is about being good or bad, wrong or right - it’s about looking at things as being either helpful or unhelpful.

For me some social media exposure, has been unhelpful to me. So I have adjusted it, so that it is no longer being unhelfpul.

If you are feeling burnt out, drained or even annoyed at some things that you are exposed to - maybe take a look at what content makes you feel that way, take stock and maybe try my method. It may be short term, it could be long term. Doesn’t hurt to give it a try, and the process is reversable. If you need help muting or even unfollowing (depends on the platform) - let me know! I can tell you how to find it, oh and I will add this is NOT un friending people, it is simply what it suggests “muting” the content that people post.

AJ xo

[aloneforeverandunloved-blog]

Not edited or anything. Just had to get it out.

I guess it all started when I was little, with the endless bullying. I never learned to stand up for myself. I just took it, no matter what, from whoever dished it. No one cared about me. Little old ugly me. No one cared that I starved myself trying to become skinny enough to fit in. The eating disorder was horrible. I couldn't even bring myself to drink water without calling myself disgusting and thinking I would get fatter. That doesn't even make sense now that I am older, out of middle school, finished jr high and graduated for 6 years. Been 12 years since starting this eating disorder, and I still struggle. Only now with everything else going on, sometimes it goes the other way. I can't stop eating. No one is going to love me anyways, doesn't matter if I am fat or skinny, pretty or ugly. Long hair or short hair. None of that matters when you feel this way. I got over the bullying. Fuck those guys. Once I got into high school, things changed for a while. I had my ride or die since grade 3. (We were secret friends outside of school, in school she was one of my bullies.) Now 16 years later and she is is still my best friend. But I am getting off the topic at hand. 

High school ends. I graduate, barely. The depression caused me to become super sick in high school and I missed most my graduating year. My teachers moved mountains to get me that diploma. 2 months after graduating, I meet him. He's described as a bad boy, a player, the one who's going to break my heart, use me and throw me away. I am warned by so many people. Everyone tells me to ignore him. But I didnt listen, I could be the one who could change him, right? Me, the 19 year old virgin. Never done drugs, never really drank. My god I was stupid to think that someone as inexperienced as me could get the boy all the girls wanted and to tame him. Me, the girl who gave her whole heart to people time and time again just to be thrown away to the side like I didnt matter. I never learn, don't trust anyone. Don't fall in love, don't give people chances. 

Well they were wrong. Our relationship was beautiful. Nothing could break us apart. I was so head over heels in love. Nothing else mattered other than him. He showered me with love and attention. Little did I know he was harbouring an awful secret. His addiction. He started to ignore me, not touch me, no more kisses or cuddles or sex. He was addicted to porn and masturbation. He would much rather jerk himself off to all these fake girls. The ones with huge tits, super skinny. You know the ones in porn. I found out about his addiction and I thought that if I became something he wanted, one of those girls, he would love me and forget about them. I lost all sorts of weight. I weighed about 100lbs soaking wet. I was finally beautiful. I thought that he had nipped his addiction, was over it. Once again stupid me. My mom killed herself. I knew it was going to happen. I knew that that would be the way she would go. I wasn't surprised. Not long after she died, I found out I was pregnant. A beautiful little baby to distract me from her death. No one told me about how hard it would be to be pregnant and not be able to grieve her death, I pushed it all aside to take care of this amazing little human inside of me. She was all that mattered at the time. I couldn't be sad or depressed when I had this little miracle from above in me. See, I am infertile. The doctors were amazed that I got pregnant. Surgeries, testing, all that jazz told me no babies. She really was my miracle. 

Fast forward 9 months. She's here, life is amazing. Until the post partum depression sets in. I am exhausted, so tired. All I want is my mom back to help me take care of this amazing little human that I made. He was the perfect dad. So hands on, jumping at every sound she made. He made it easier.

His addiction started again, I had no idea. I was so depressed and I was making him miserable. He claimed he loves me, so why can't he just help me. See, he thinks that depression isn't real. He thinks its a light switch in your head that you control. He doesn't know anything.

Months go by, I get a call saying that my grandpa is dying, so I pack up to go see him. 

My boyfriends addiction hits a new point. While I am gone, he is snap chatting my new best friend. A different one from my ride or die. She is with another good friend of mine. They end up sexting. Sending each other dirty photos. 

How could he? How could he cheat on me. He is supposed to love me and be there for me. 

How could she? I told her time and time again that I didnt want him on her snapchat. And as soon as I leave town, she adds him? Fuck her. Fuck him, fuck everyone.

Kicker is, I didnt find out until a year after it all happened. My dad knew. My sisters knew. Everyone knew but me. 

When the truth comes out, I lose everyone. Even my dad. He is dating my best friend….well, ex best friend. My mom isn’t even dead for 10 months and he already moved on, and by the time I found out, they are 2 years into their relationship. 

Dad, how can you not see what she is? She is cheating on her husband with you. She isn’t even divorced and she is with you. Fucking disgusting. 

My dad doesn’t talk to me for months, despite the countless texts begging for him to be in my life.

I stay with my boyfriend. I am stupid. But I am in love. 5 years is a long time to spend with your first love. I can’t just walk away.

I seek help. I want to die. I am diagnosed with PTSD. Its been a year since I found out. But it still hurts the same. I can’t get over it. I stay for my daughter, she deserves to have both her parents.

I am back to the start. Unloved. Unwanted. Ugly. Fat. I can’t lose the baby weight. My BC just makes me pack on the weight. No wonder he doesn’t love me, I am worthless.

 I want to die. If I didnt have my daughter, I would kill myself.