#my life is shit and just got even shittier today

[squirrellypoo]

Our life is shit.

It’s been shit.

It is shit.

It’s gonna be shit again.

Stop feeling sorry for yourself.

A shit life beats no life.

- Louis de Pointe du Lac (source)

[smusherina]

yard work - chapter 4 (regina george x reader)

fandom: Mean Girls (all media)

pairing: Regina George x OFC/Reader

summary: You'd been in the same class as Regina George since kindergarten. You'd lived on the same street even longer. Once upon a time, when life was sandbox disputes and who got the swing first arguments, you'd even been friends. Now, in junior year of high school, you doubted she even remembered you. The same couldn't be said about you. You definitely remembered her.

warning(s): homophobia becomes a central theme. mention of a close dead relative. internalized misogyny.

chapter 1 / chapter 2 / chapter 3 / chapter 5

You were sitting on the grass under the bleachers when Janis 'Imi'ike came up to you.

"I'm not selling right now." You said, suspecting she was here to see about buying alcohol or something. You had a contact and made a small bit in commissions around the school selling stuff.

"I'm- what? What're you selling?" Oh, well, guess not then.

"Nothing." You didn't want to incriminate yourself. It was bad enough you were smoking a cigarette right this moment. You took another drag. Usually, you didn't smoke during school but today was turning out to be a shittier day than usual.

"I'm not a nark, I could-" She seemed to shake herself. "Anyway. Why did you come to school with Regina today?"

"You saw that?" You inquired, alarmed but making an attempt to hide it.

"Yes. Now, why?"

"We live on the same street. Her car was having issues." You shrugged, trying to play it off.

"How'd you know her car was having issues?" She did not seem inclined to just let it go. It was beginning to annoy you.

"Because I fix it from time to time. Like I said, we live on the same street. We're not friends or anything." While you didn't like lying, especially not when you yourself were bitter about it, protecting Regina's rep was more important.

"I think that's a lie. We went to the same middle school for a while. You were close back then." She accused, crouching to be at level with you. You were officially annoyed now.

"You used to be close too." You took another drag and, noticing your cig was on its last leg, stamped it on the ground. "And how'd that turn out?"

Janis gritted her teeth. "Not well."

"Exactly." You gave her a tight, snarky smile and stood up. "Bye."

"Wait a minute!" She jogged after you as you made for the school building. "I'm not done!"

"I think you are." You called back, hastening your step. "There's nothing for us to talk about, Janis."

"Dude! You're being a huge dick right now." Janis caught up to you, gesturing as if she were offended. "Why are you so touchy?"

"I'm not touchy, I'm pissed that a stranger is getting all up in my business." You informed her curtly. "Lay off."

She held her hands up in surrender, an infuriating smirk on her face. "What business do you have with Regina?"

You halted and dropped your backpack on the ground. "What is your problem?" You advanced on her, not exactly squaring up but still getting a little too close for comfort.

"Woah, protective, aren't you?" She wasn't intimidated in the least. That only angered you more. "Has she ditched Cady already and found a new pet?"

"If I were you, I'd watch my mouth." You said as menacingly as you could.

"We could help each other out, y'know." She said, playing innocent.

"Why would I help you with anything?"

"Because she hurt both of us." You had to agree with that, however reluctantly. "I want revenge. She needs to go down." Now, that you did not agree with.

"What do you mean?" If they were planning a coup or something, you needed to get the details. You wouldn't be putting up with that shit.

"Cady's gotten an in with the Plastics." You'd never liked that stupid nickname Janis insisted on using. "She's still on the fence about them, but it's only a matter of time before I'm proven right."

"You've infiltrated the popular girl group like 007, great, because Regina wronged you somehow in middle school? Grow up." You rolled your eyes and picked up your backpack.

"She outed me, you douche!" She exclaimed before probably even thinking about it. Realizing what she'd said, she glanced around warily. Nobody was nearby since you were away from the courtyard.

Okay. Well. That made this a lot more complicated. You pinched the bridge of your nose. This was the exact reason you hung around skaters and stoner-wannabes. At least their drama was about graffiti and who had the good kush, not about whatever the fuck this was. You weren't aware you were living in a teen drama.

"Okay." You breathed in deeply. You did not want to be involved, no matter how justified Janis could've been. However, you needed information if you wanted to get in the way. "What've you got?"

A mean grin nearly split her face. Then, in just a second, it melted away. "You won't tell anybody, right? About, uh, that earlier-"

"I sell drugs behind the school, dude." You put it flatly. "You have more flak on me."

"True." She conceded. "So..."

Their plans weren't very well constructed, to be fair. Janis wanted to prove to Cady that Regina was a bitch, her words, and that was sort of just a waiting game. In the meantime, they were collecting information. So far they'd found out about the Burn Book, supposedly a scrapbook that Regina and her friends had filled with mean things about everybody at Northshore. Staff and teachers included. Apparently, Cady hadn't had much time to peruse it, so neither Janis nor you were in it for all she knew.

The concept made you nervous. You could very well be in that book and Cady just hadn't seen it. If everybody was in it, including nobodies like Mary Stigson and Amber D'Alessio, the chance was incredibly high.

You didn't even know what she could've written about you. Over the years you'd shared incredibly vulnerable bits of information with her. She'd shared with you too, but you weren't in any position to weaponize her secrets. You'd been through embarrassing moments that just the two of you knew of, had seen each other cry and rage and experience all sorts of overwhelming emotions, had made it through mortifying tweenhood phases together.

Regina could've written your whole life story, the nastiest highlights at least, without breaking a sweat.

You were like a zombie for the rest of the day. Barely paying attention in class, twirling a pencil in your fingers listlessly as whatever teacher went on and on. You looked up when a sharp, female voice called your name. You apologized to Ms Norbury and pretended to start working.

Calculus class, huh? You looked around, trying to be inconspicuous. You met eyes with Cady Heron. She quickly turned back to her work, writing numbers furiously. So Janis had told her about their new accomplice. Of course, you had every intention to tattle first thing once you talked to Regina again.

You knew she wouldn't want to be seen leaving with you, so you shot her a text that you'd be behind the bleachers waiting. You were her ride, after all. It would've been rude to leave her.

Relaxing somewhere quiet and alone wasn't too bad. You lifted your headphones over your ears and put on a Nirvana CD. Just this morning Regina had called you 'a hobo with a liking for grunge', or something along those lines. You did so love proving her right.

You lit a cigarette in honour of Kurt and closed your eyes. Something about this day, the utterly exhausting events, made you desperate to feel some release. Ever since dropping Regina off, you'd been a fucking mess. Janis having seen the whole thing and then coming to conspire against Queen Bee hadn't helped. You wished things could be spelt out for you.

Did Regina like you? Yes or no. You knew it wasn't that simple, that things weren't simple for her like they were for you. You liked her and so it was easy to let her walk all over you. You liked her so, of course, you sided with her even when Janis and you had a camaraderie. You liked her and so you chose not to think about the horrible thing she'd done to Janis.

Was it only a matter of time before she'd use that secret against you, too? Did it hang above your head even now?

"Hey, loser, stub the cig and let's get outta here. I'm sick of this joint."

"Who taught you to talk like that?" You opened your eyes and looked up at Regina. "Certainly not your father."

"What daddy doesn't know won't hurt him." She offered her hand to pull you up. "C'mon. I have a nail appointment to get to."

You hauled yourself up with her help. Over-balancing a little bit you tipped into her space, and for a moment there you breathed the same air. You took a hasty step back and tuned back into the conversation.

"And- and how're you gonna get there?" You already knew.

"We don't have enough time to go to mine first, so..." She smiled sweetly at you, getting that calculating look in her eye as she grabbed your arm and pulled it close to her chest. Looking up at you through her lashes, long nails stroking down your forearm, a smile so alluring it was evil on her face, she knew she had you. You couldn't say no.

Gulping, you inclined your head. "I'll take you."

"Thanks, babe." And with that, she pressed her purse into your arms to carry and skipped ahead.

Fuck. Fuck. You closed your eyes and fought off a groan. You'd almost forgotten the crush you'd nursed for her back then. It hadn't ever left, you knew that much, but it hadn't smacked you in the face quite like this before. You were familiar with moments that made your heart beat fast, scenarios that played on a loop in your head, and dreams you could never really make sense of. Now, though, hearing her call you babe and the physical reaction it evoked, there was no plausible explanation other than the obvious fact: You had a crush on Regina George.

You knew—knew—that it was hopeless. There was no world in which you and Regina could be a thing. Or maybe there was, but that was a pipe dream you'd do no good in entertaining. Your dad didn't care about who you dated, but you were sure he would be none too pleased. Regina's dad was a whole other case. He was way stricter than your dad, though just as distant.

You'd done this before. It would be fine. Admittedly, back when you'd been actively crushing on Regina you had been twelve and under. Back then you'd still tolerated skirts and girly hairstyles. Back then it'd been socially acceptable to cling to your friend like a koala, kiss her cheeks and hold her hand. If you tried that shit now, especially looking like you did, it would not slide.

(You'd been called slurs around the halls before. While you didn't generate much rumours or hubbub, you knew that you existed in people's peripherals in a certain way. They'd snidely ask if you liked the Ellen Show. Make vile hand gestures at you when you passed by. Garry Fort, resident church boy and social outcast, had even offered to pray for you. You had refused.)

"Jorts! Get a move on!" Regina shouted, a good distance away.

"Yeah yeah," You muttered, but picked up the pace.

"What took you so long?" She asked as she settled into the front seat.

"Lost in thought, I guess." Waxing melancholy about how we could never be together, sweetums. You opted not to say that. "So, where's this appointment?"

"Just drive to town, I'll give instructions."

"Sure thing." You bit your lip and tapped your fingers on the steering wheel. You hadn't had your licence for long but you'd been driving for much longer than that. You were a good driver. Back when you'd been young enough for your dad to feel obligated to spend time with you, he'd taken you to some backroads and taught you. Then, when that stopped, you'd done it illegally. Hey, girls gotta keep busy somehow.

"What's on your mind?" Regina asked, breaking the silence that'd turned uncomfortable.

"Hmm? Oh, nothing." You swallowed. "How was your day?"

"How was my day, seriously?" She turned her body to face you, arms crossed and a displeased look on her face. "What is it?"

You tried to think of something to say. You didn't want to ruin her whole day by revealing she had a spy, of all things. You'd planned on waiting a little bit before telling her. You would've maybe taken her for a ride and then gently broken the news.

So, that was a bust.

"Cady Heron is spying on you. She's retelling everything you're doing together with Gretchen and Karen to Janis and her friend Damien Leigh." You blurted it all out. "I was smoking in my usual spot and she just came up to me. And, uh, recruited me. Apparently, she saw you leave my car this morning."

"What?" Regina screeched, face slack with shock as well as strained with fear, panic, and all sorts of jumbled emotions. "Did anybody else see?"

"I don't know!" Your shoulders lifted all the way up to your ears in a panicked shrug. Her emotions were rubbing off on you and you did not like it. "Did people act weird around you today?"

"No," She paused to think. "No, everything was fine. Karen liked my top."

"You mean my top?" You corrected.

"Whatever." Regina looked out of the window contemplatively. "Are you plotting against me?"

You rolled your eyes, and took your sights off the road for a second to shoot her a look. "If I was, would I be telling you?"

"I dunno, I vividly remember you being sorta stupid."

"Wow, thanks, Reg, that's high praise coming from you. Only sorta."

"Shut up. You're so annoying." She unfolded her arms and leaned back in the seat. "Cady Heron. A spy."

"Janis told me, and I quote: "She needs to go down." Which was pretty dramatic in my opinion." Regina didn't say anything. "I mean, we're in high school."

"What does that have to do with anything?" Regina inspected her nails. Pretty acrylics, sharp and lethal, decorated with gems and swirls. A little grown out, sure, but still in perfect condition.

"I just mean that..." You thought about what you wanted to say. "Y'know, on average women in America die, like, between seventy and eighty years old. We're less than a quarter of that right now. Five years from now, I bet the problems we have now will seem stupid and insignificant. And then five years, or ten, from that, the issues then will look the same way."

"Morbid." She turned to look at you. You couldn't tell what her expression was like, in the middle of changing lanes to pass a car going way under the limit. "Are you always this philosophical?"

"I could be. If you wanted me to be." You wondered if that edged a little too close to flirty.

"No. It's insufferable." You didn't know how to respond to that. "I don't fucking care about the grand scheme of things. My problems aren't stupid or insignificant now, so it's no fucking use thinking, oh, it'll all be fine with time! Well, it won't be, if I don't do something right now." She ranted, waving her hands as she did. "And I will argue that women die much earlier than that."

"It's a statistic, Reg-"

"No, women die at menopause at the latest. They get sad, saggy and undesirable and they die." She said with such conviction that it shook you. "When you stop being beautiful, it's all over."

"Regina, that's..." Wrong. Incorrect. A horrible way to think. "I don't think that's true."

"Women like my mom have nothing to offer. When dad stopped wanting her and started looking elsewhere, when she stopped being asked out at the grocery store and they started asking me, when Kylie poked at her flab and asked what her stretch marks were, she died."

Listening to her talk like that, about her mom nonetheless, was heartbreaking. Still, you couldn't help getting angry. "Your mom is alive and well, Reg. Your dad cheating isn't her fault, it's him being an awful human being. Being asked out at the grocery store isn't like receiving a fucking Nobel prize. Flab and stretch marks are what you did to her body. What Kylie did to her body." You bit your lip when it started wobbling. You bit down harshly to stop it.

You continued even when your voice crackled. "My mom's always gonna be young and beautiful. She's gonna always gonna have smooth, wrinkle-free skin. I won't get to ask about her flab or stretch marks. Not ever." Regina was quiet. You could feel her eyes on you. "You don't get to complain about growing old. Mrs George's been like a mom to me, you know that, so don't fucking insult her in front of me. You can get all the botox and surgeries you want, but I'm not gonna sit here and listen to that shit."

"Sorry." She said, quietly. She'd never been good at apologies.

"It's fine." You wiped at your eyes. "I'm sorry for freaking out."

"No, it's... That was stupid." She mostly muttered, now sunken into the seat.

You shouldn't have raved at her like that. Unpacking all that she said would've been much easier with a clear head. Now you were both stuck in this tension. Tears drying on your cheeks and snot in your nose, you wished things would be easier. You wished Regina had never been taught to think like she did, that she'd see herself like you saw her.

"I think you'll still be pretty when you're forty." You put it out there, going for casual.

"You don't have to lie." She huffed, assuredly rolling her eyes.

"I'm not lying. I don't think a few wrinkles are enough to ruin your face."

"I'm not gonna get wrinkles. By the time I'm old enough to get them, there's gonna be technology to prevent signs of ageing entirely."

You laughed at that. "Are you gonna pioneer that?"

"You think I'd be smart enough?"

"I think you're very intelligent, Regina."

"Hm." You could tell she was pleased, though she was looking away. "Take left here."

"Yes, ma'am."

Notes: I'm writing these abnormally fast. Usually, I'm a total sloth with these things. I guess the instant gratification of notes really is addicting. If I suddenly drop off, I promise I didn't die I just ran out of steam.

I have no idea how long this series will be. I have a general outline and character arcs going in my head, but I'm purposefully not drafting anything. I've noticed that when I plan too much I just feel like I've already written the story and don't wanna put any of the work in. So, with this method, though it has its flaws, I won't get bored of my own ideas!

Also, just to sort of put it out there in writing, they're meant to be flawed characters. OC might be self-aware to a point, but she too has her shortcomings. While Regina's more obviously flawed, neither of them are saints. They're teenagers with shitty home lives, they're gonna be fucked up. That also includes Janis and Cady. They're all dumb teenagers with unresolved issues.

Taglist: @autorasexy, @wedfan2, @unadulterated-moron, @modernsapphicism, @9unknown0, @sage-rose2000, @massive-honkas, @nattys-swiftie, @likefirenrain, @luz-enjoyer

[kikyoupdates]

Love Bite ⭑˚🩸⭑ 𝑓𝑖𝑟𝑠𝑡 𝑏𝑖𝑡𝑒

yandere!vampires x f!reader

yandere, reverse harem, original characters, vampire!ocs x fem!reader

Desperate for money to pay off your debts, you sign up for a program that allows you to sell your blood to vampires. At first, everything is fine, and you’re finally able to make ends meet. But they soon begin craving more than just your blood.

story masterlist | next

Certain people are dealt a shittier hand in life than others, and unfortunately, you are one of those people.

Life has never been easy for you. As far back as you can remember, it's been one shitstorm after the other. Your parents are as good as dead to you, because all they ever did was make reckless choices and run away, leaving you to clean up their mess. That's how, at the young age of twenty, you've already got more debt than the average person could ever fathom.

Still, you make do. You hustle as best you can to get through one day and move on to the next. It's exhausting, and sometimes it feels like you're ready to give up, but against all odds, you persevere.

"That'll be 50 credits," the cashier says.

You let out a sigh and give her your card. Everything is so goddamn expensive these days. Even a simple grocery trip feels like a big slap in the face.

"Oh. Sorry," she blinks. "It's been declined. Do you have any other form of payment on hand?"

Shit. This one too?

You mumble an apology and dig through your wallet again. Thankfully, you happen to have enough cash to cover the cost. Just barely.

"Thank you for shopping with us," the cashier recites monotonously. She packs your groceries in a bag and hands it to you, then gestures for the next customer to step forward.

You leave the store the same as always, feeling worn-down and discouraged. You'll have to apply for a new card, but who knows when they'll send it to you. Goddammit. You're already scraping the bottom of the barrel as is. You hardly have enough emergency savings to last until then.

It's a shitty day, and unfortunately for you, it's about to get even worse.

"[Name]," a distinct, familiar voice mutters. You flinch at the sound, nearly dropping your grocery bag in the process. There's a man standing outside your apartment complex. A man that always makes your stomach crease in discomfort.

You instinctively step back. "I don't want any trouble, Johnny. Please, can I just get through?"

He ignores you and walks over, and while you stand there, stiff from fright, he peeks into your grocery bag and hums, visibly amused.

"Not exactly a lavish dinner," he chuckles. "But I guess you've got no choice but to be frugal, huh?"

"I just want to go home," you plead. "Please. Don't do this."

Alas, Johnny has never been one to give a shit about your circumstances, and today is no exception.

"I haven't been getting the money you promised me," he glares. "You've been late on your payments, and I'm really starting to lose my patience here."

You try to protest, but he wraps his hand around your throat and forcibly pins you against a wall. He isn't applying too much pressure, not yet, but the threat is there all the same.

"You owe me money, [Name]." His pupils constrict, a telltale sign that he's furious. "I'm done with your shitty excuses. If you can't make good on your promises, then you pay the price. This is the way the world works."

He holds you there, just so he can watch you whimper and cower in fear, then he eventually releases his hold on you and steps away.

"I'm giving you one more week," he says. "If you don't come up with the amount we agreed on in one week, I might seriously have to kill you. And don't even think of running away like your parents did. I'm sure as hell not gonna make the same mistake twice."

Johnny walks off with a steady, relaxed gait and his hands buried in his pockets. It's that easy for him. He can threaten an innocent woman and not think anything of it, the sick bastard.

You sniffle and resist the urge to cry. Fuck your parents. All they ever did was ruin your life. You have no idea where they're hiding right now, but for their own sake, they had better not show their faces around you ever again.

Still. There's no point in lamenting what can't be changed. Your parents are gone. It's up to you to remedy this situation and pay that disgusting loan shark back.

The question is, how?

How in the world will you pull that off? You barely make enough to eat two meals a day and cover your rent, let alone the steep cost of your debts.

It just seems like a lost cause. You've been working yourself to the bone, but you still can't even make a dent in what your parents owe. It's all too much to bear. It makes you want to forfeit your life entirely. At least then, you might finally be able to rest in peace.

Weighed down by the hopelessness of your situation, you trudge into your crappy studio apartment, chuck the groceries in the fridge, and plop down on the couch, defeated.

I guess it's time to look for another job. Something I can squeeze into my schedule. I can probably survive without sleeping a few days in a row, right?

You chuckle brokenly and scroll through your phone, looking for anything you might have a shot at. Finding a good job in this city is yet another hopeless dream for someone like you, who didn't go to college and doesn't have any other notable qualifications. All of your current jobs may as well be paying you dirt, which is why you can never meet Johnny's ridiculous demands.

You're just about to give up and go make yourself a rather pathetic dinner, when suddenly, something catches your eye.

[𝗡𝗘𝗪 𝗣𝗥𝗢𝗚𝗥𝗔𝗠 𝗟𝗔𝗨𝗡𝗖𝗛]: 𝗕𝗹𝗼𝗼𝗱 𝗱𝗼𝗻𝗼𝗿𝘀 𝘄𝗮𝗻𝘁𝗲𝗱. 𝗦𝘂𝗰𝗰𝗲𝘀𝘀𝗳𝘂𝗹 𝗮𝗽𝗽𝗹𝗶𝗰𝗮𝗻𝘁𝘀 𝘄𝗶𝗹𝗹 𝗰𝗼𝗼𝗽𝗲𝗿𝗮𝘁𝗲 𝘄𝗶𝘁𝗵 𝘃𝗮𝗺𝗽𝗶𝗿𝗲 𝗰𝗶𝘁𝗶𝘇𝗲𝗻𝘀 𝗼𝗻 𝗮𝗻 𝗮𝘀-𝗻𝗲𝗲𝗱𝗲𝗱 𝗯𝗮𝘀𝗶𝘀.

Vampires. Not long ago, a law was passed, granting vampires access to the city. More and more of them seem to be moving here, the central hub of the country. Of course, most people felt uncomfortable with this change, but it seems to be a necessary step in fighting back against years of discrimination. Humans naturally fear vampires, and the government is doing everything it can to integrate them into society.

Since drinking blood by force is considered a crime, this program is most likely a way for vampires to obtain their blood safely and without any consequence, just so long as people are willing to sign up for it.

You take a moment to assess your situation. You have almost no money to your name, and there's a greedy loan shark that's just itching to torture you if you fail to pay him back in time. If you don't get some money, and fast, you're probably headed for the afterlife.

That being said, you've never encountered a vampire before. You've heard all sorts of horror stories about them. That they're physically stronger than humans, have more acute senses, and could easily bludgeon you to death if they wanted to.

But even if that's actually true, how is it any different than what Johnny will do to you if you don't pay him back?

You press your lips together. Perhaps there's no harm in trying at least once and seeing how it'll go. It's not like you're guaranteed to get accepted for the program anyways. And besides, this is being implemented by the government, so surely, they won't allow any humans to come to harm in the process.

Above all else, you are incredibly desperate, with very little to lose.

So, you decide to take a gamble.

𝗔𝗣𝗣𝗟𝗬 [𝗫]?

...

Your luck might finally be changing for the better, or maybe they're just desperate for applicants, but either way, you got the job.

It was a bit tedious. The screening process was rather lengthy, and they made you do quite a few medical tests to ensure you didn't have any infectious diseases or anything like that. You suppose having a clean bill of health is the one thing required for this position, considering you'll be giving your blood to someone else. Thankfully, even though your life is shit, you've always been rather sturdy, which is the only reason you've lasted this long.

You're currently walking through a glossy white corridor. The building you're in is polished and sleek, some kind of medical company that's been researching vampires for quite a long time. They call themselves Plasma Inc., which is a bit tacky, but you're certainly in no position to judge.

The doctor escorting you holds a clipboard against his chest, and glances over at you every so often.

"We're almost there," he says. After a brief pause, he adds, "There's no need to be nervous."

Honestly, you're a little nervous, but only because you've never done this before. Giving your blood to a vampire... it all sounds so farfetched. You really didn't think this was something you'd ever be doing.

But beggars can't afford to be choosers.

"For the client's privacy and peace of mind, there aren't any cameras inside the room. We will not be able to see or hear anything that happens in there. You signed the confidentiality clause, so please keep in mind that you will be liable for any private information that you happen to disclose."

You knew as much going into this. There's no point in psyching yourself out. Everything's going to be fine. This is all perfectly safe.

...it should be, at least.

"Whenever you're ready," the doctor says. He's stopped in front of a door, and you instinctively gulp as you imagine what—or rather, who—is on the other side.

Okay, then. No reason to back out now. You chose this. It's a desperate measure, and sure, you'll lose a bit of blood in the process, but if it helps you pay off your debt and get back on your feet, then it's easily worth it.

"I'm ready," you say.

The doctor nods briefly, offers you an encouraging smile, then opens the door.

It closes behind you right away, and your eyes instinctively search the room until they land on a motionless, seated figure.

It's a man. Well, a vampire, but still a man. Deep down, you'd been hoping that it might be a woman. A man seems somewhat more intimidating, although you suppose all vampires are stronger than humans, so it wouldn't have made a difference either way.

He's beautiful, though. Vampires are scarce in numbers, and they don't usually go out during the day, so it's unlikely that you would have ever passed by one. But you've only ever heard people speak of them in frightening terms. Never in a million years did you imagine they'd be so utterly gorgeous. Or perhaps this particular vampire is simply an exception.

You don't quite realize how much time you've spent fawning over his appearance until he suddenly stands up.

Instinctively, you flinch, and it's clear that it doesn't go unnoticed.

He narrows his eyes. "If you're not comfortable doing this, you're welcome to leave. I was told that the humans who signed up for this program were all completely willing. I have no intention of taking your blood without your full cooperation."

"Oh. S-Sorry," you stammer. "I'm not uncomfortable. I guess I'm just a little bit starstruck. It's my first time meeting a vampire."

"There's no need to gawk at me. I'm not some animal trapped inside a cage."

He has a rather harsh tongue, but again, you're in no position to judge. Perhaps your reaction offended him, unintentional as it may have been.

"Sorry," you say again, then you offer him a weak smile. "Um... I'm [Name]. I'm not really sure what the etiquette for this sort of thing is, but it's nice to meet you."

It takes him a while to respond. He studies you quietly with those mesmerizing eyes of his, and the silence is awkward, to say the least.

"I'm Xavier," he finally replies. He frowns a bit. "But I didn't come here to chat. If you're ready, I'll like to move on with this as soon as possible."

Right. He's here for the same reason you are. It's not an opportunity for the two of you to exchange pleasantries.

You're here to sell your blood, and he's here to drink it.

"Okay," you swallow. Now that it's come down to it, you can feel your heart beating faster by the second. But this is fine. This is nothing. Compared to all the shit you've already been through, this may as well be a walk in the park.

You walk over to him, taking slow, careful steps, then you sit down in one of the chairs. He does the same, staring at you without blinking the whole time. You watch as he shuffles a bit closer, and he uses his fingers to pull down the collar of your shirt slightly. You shiver at the sensation of his skin brushing against yours. God, his hands are cold.

Xavier stares right into your eyes. "This is your last chance to back out. If you tell me to stop now, I will, but otherwise, I'll take it that you've agreed to move on."

"I'm fine," you reassure. Despite the fact that your stomach is a bundle of nerves right now, you're determined to press on. You need this. There's simply no other option.

You'll do whatever it takes to live on, even if it means selling the very essence that grants you life in the first place.

"Okay," Xavier says, and he wraps an arm around your waist, pulling you closer. His jaw unhinges, and the last thing you see before you squeeze your eyes shut is the pearly-white color of his bright, glistening fangs.

He bites into your neck.  

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[katsu28]

hi baby! could i request "[ NUZZLE ] sender presses their face into receiver’s neck" with hangman please! ily<3

LOLA!!! thank u for requesting ily ily <33

jake "hangman" seresin x reader, 1.3k

Jake was finally coming home after a full seven months away on deployment, and you’d never been so excited (and anxious) to see anyone in your whole life.

Seven months of sporadic video calls with shitty audio and even shittier video, seven months of sending emails whenever he could and letters even less often. Seven months of waiting for the love of your life to come back to you, safe and sound. 

Sure, some days were worse than others. Some days you could barely carry on normally with things because you were so worried. Some nights you had nightmares about getting that one letter, that one knock on your door that would send your whole life crumbling to the ground. Some days all you could do was sit on Jake’s side of the bed, clutching one of his shirts to your nose just so you could remember what he smelled like. 

But today was not that day. Today, Jake was coming home. 

You smoothed your dress out nervously as you waited with the rest of the people with family members or partners returning home today, rocking back and forth on your toes in barely contained excitement as you watched the ship dock in port. 

Your eyes combed through the crowd of naval officers and civilians alike, searching for that head of perfectly coiffed hair sticking out above the others. 

The chatter of the crowd around you dulled to a muffled blur of noise the second you laid eyes on him. He hadn’t seen you yet, his own gaze still flitting around at the folks reuniting with their loved ones all surrounding him. His brow was furrowed in the utmost concentration, and you almost wanted to play it out a little longer, have him wait a little longer just to make your reunion that much sweeter. 

But your need to bury yourself in his arms, to feel his warm skin beneath your fingertips, to finally, finally kiss him until neither of you could breathe anymore—that need was greater than anything else at the moment. 

Breaking out into a run, you ducked and weaved through person after person as you made your way towards Jake. You nearly bowled him over with the force of your hug when you finally got to him, barely giving him enough time to drop his bag as you threw yourself into his arms with a cry. 

“Holy shit,” Jake inhaled, steadying himself enough to withstand the force of your hug. He sounded amazed, breathless like he couldn’t believe you were here in front of him at this very moment. “Holy shit!” 

Your nose pressed into his neck, the smell of sunscreen, sweat, and a little bit of engine smoke accompanying the familiar smell of his cologne. This wasn’t a smell you could get from one of his old shirts. It was raw, unfiltered, so very Jake that you could damn near sob right now. Seven months of missing your man really took a toll on your emotional state. 

“Hi,” You mumbled against his skin, squeezing him so tight you wouldn’t be surprised if you were able to meld into him. He murmured back a soft greeting of his own, large hands splaying across your back as he lifted you off your feet and spun you in a circle. You tightened your arms around his neck with a squeal. 

He hooked his shades onto the breast pocket of his uniform as soon as he set you back down on the ground, pretty green eyes flitting around your face, taking in every single detail. “My god, did you get even more perfect while I was away?” 

You felt your cheeks grow hot under his focus. “Oh my god, stop it.” 

“What? I’m so serious right now, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to stop looking at you. Look,” he grinned, not even attempting to cast his gaze elsewhere. “See, I can’t even take my eyes off you. Couldn’t even if I tried. Not that I’d want to, with you lookin’ like somethin’ straight out of my dreams.” 

“You’re horrible.” 

“I’ve just gotten home after months and months away and I’m horrible?” Jake teased, giving your hip a light pinch. Any response you were about to give died in your throat as soon as you registered the weight of his words and you just stared at him, blinking furiously to stop the influx of tears that you knew were coming. It didn’t work. 

Jake saw the tremble of your lip and brought you back against his chest within a second, cradling the back of your head in his palm. His other hand smoothed over your back in small circles, lips pressed to your forehead gently. “Oh hey, hey, you’re okay. Everything’s fine, no need for tears.” 

“Sorry, I’m—god, I’m sorry, Jake,” You breathed, inhaling a shaky breath against the scratchy khaki of his uniform. You retreated a little bit, managing to gather yourself enough to look up at him. 

He gave his head a miniscule shake, mouth curving into a reassuring smile. “No need for sorries. Glad to see you missed me while I was gone.” 

“Of course I missed you, asshole.” 

“Asshole? Me? Shit, maybe you didn’t miss me!” 

“Don’t even joke about that.” You huffed, feigning a glare at him that faltered almost immediately. “You’re really here?” 

“I’m really here, darlin’.” He echoed, sliding his hands over yours and bringing them up to his face so he could press a kiss to both of your palms. “Right here, right now, and I’m not plannin’ on leaving again anytime soon.” 

Happy tears welled in your eyes, your heart thrumming hard in your chest at the mere thought of Jake staying stateside for the foreseeable future. You let out a watery chuckle, smoothing your fingers over the smile lines near his eyes before breaking into a smile yourself. 

“There’s my girl.” Jake hummed, tapping you on the nose lightly. He held you at arms’ length, finally taking the time to fully take in the sight of you. His eyes traveled down the length of your dress, lips curving into a cheeky smirk. “New dress just for me? I’m honored.” 

“You like it?” 

“Oh, I love it,” He hummed, ducking in towards your ear for his next words. “Though I think I’ll love it even more on the floor of our bedroom.” 

“Well, what’re you waiting for?” 

Jake’s eyebrows flew sky high at your insinuation, and he quickly stooped down to snatch up his duffel, throwing it over his shoulder and grabbing your hand in one fell swoop. He pulled you through the crowd until the parking lot, where he let you take over until your car came into view. 

You moved to toss him the keys because you knew he’d probably missed driving through the streets of Fightertown whilst he was away, but before they could leave your hand, he nudged you back against the side of the car. He pushed up close until he was flush against you, and you barely caught a glimpse of his pearly white smile before his mouth was on yours, moving with such a hunger that seemed a bit much for a public setting. Not that you were complaining though, this was the first time you got to kiss him in ages. 

You only remembered you were in a crowded parking lot when Jake’s hand at your waist crept around to give your butt a squeeze, bracing your hands against his chest to push him back a few inches. “What was that for?” You panted, kiss swollen lips parted as you attempted to catch your breath.

“Had to give my girl a proper hello.” He shrugged, pressing a much shorter kiss to your lips before plucking the keys out of your hand and pulling open the passenger door for you like he hadn’t just kissed the living daylights out of you. “You comin’ or what?” Judging by the cheeky smirk gracing his face, he knew what he was doing. 

“Like I said earlier—asshole.” 

“Happy to be home too, darlin’!” 

follow @katsu-library to be notified when i post new fics :)

[electricsoren]

Gonna kick the official start of this account with a personal read more post.

That way I know it's real.

You want to hear my screeching? Cool.

I'm mainly wanting to talk about how wild my life is now that I'm poly. And also coming to terms with my disabilities.

Right now I have 3 partners and I met each of them at completely different times in my life. I won't use names since I haven't asked if they are all ok with me mentioning them by name online, and I don't know if I'm comfortable with that either. Friends know and that's all that really matters, you know?

Anyways, there's my I guess primary life partner, and it's more of a queer platonic partner than anything else? But I adore them and we've known each other for about a year and a half now? (Holy shit time is fake has it really been that long?) So the whole disabled thing is something they're more used to, I've just been declining pretty quick this year.

Then there's one of my girlfriends who I used to actually briefly be roommates with. It was back when I was living with my abusers. Disability was getting a bit annoying, I was more aware of it but I could still push through it and I still worked my physically demanding jobs with little issues.

And lastly there's my other girlfriend, who is also my ex from before either of us came out. She's long distance right now but we dated when we were both young and I was able to push through and work through anything. Peak of my theme park time, working in attractions, monorails and other jobs. End of the relationship I had JUST started working in hotels.

I wasn't quiet aware of the differences in my health from back then until this week. Like I said I used to work physically demanding jobs and yeah it may take a little out of me but I was able to push through it. Hell last job I had in attractions I was becoming aware of my issues, but could just power through post of them.

Then November 2019 happened.

And now I'm working at a job I love, that LISTENS to me. I work 4 days a week, have a chair to sit at, and a team that is understanding of my heart conditions and will tell me to lay down in the back to feel better so I can either figure out if I need to leave or just need 30 minutes to an hour to reset. Thursday that happened, my boss had to come in and talk to me, we're short staffed right now, but he told me who to contact and that my coworker said I can take as long as I needed (well until her out time as she was a mid that day) get my coworker who works overnights to try to come as early as she can, which because of her other job was only a few minutes, and I still left at the regular time. But at least she still got there a little early so I could just focus on getting all my stuff finished.

Then yesterday, on Sunday I woke up with a migraine, like normal, popped some painkillers and immediately started feeling even shittier. Migraine was gone, but I was SO aware of my muscle fatigue and my heart was already going in overdrive. I thought I would get better when I get to work and I'm able to slow down, cause a lot of the time it's just I'm doing too much too fast to get ready and once I get to work, sit down and get in my groove I'm fine. That fine never came, I started apologizing to my coworker that I can't fake it today, went to the storage room to cry for a bit. I realized I was BAD and needed to go to the hospital. I spent a good hour or so trying to reach out to management. One of my bosses was out of state for a work conference and the other was also out of state, but for filming (at least I'm guessing that's why. Dude is both very secretive about his acting and very loud about it. I had no idea he was gone until he responded after I solved the problem and got coverage lol) one of my coworkers suggested to call our sister property to send someone over. So I did and waited the hour for her to get here. While I was waiting some regulars asked me if I was ok today. I was real with them and said no and that I was waiting for coverage to get here so I can go to the hospital down the road.

I don't want to get into my experience at the ER, but I'll just say as a disabled, fat AFAB person by myself it wasn't good. :) I got a note for work, which I didn't look at until I was heading to work. I figured since they just brushed me off at the ER for my blood work coming back fine it would tell me to return the next day, and it was just a "hey this person came by today." but it said 2 days. I knew I needed the two days, but I also knew I fucking needed to work. So I asked my boss if it was ok and he said as long as I was comfortable with it he was ok. I lasted MAYBE 20 minutes before I apologized to my coworker and looked for my boss to tell him I couldn't today. Everyone understood, told me to get better and I went home. Then an hour or so later my boss tells me to take the week off. And...I could tell it was a genuine, "we can see you're not doing well, please take care of yourself." type message and not a test? I still asked if he was sure because we're already down an agent. But he told me to rest and get better.

I'm...not used to being cared about in a workplace. When I hit this wall normally it's tough shit, brush yourself off and get right back on.

I even texted one of the group chats and let them know and they all are just telling me to rest and that my health is more important.

SORRY WOW THIS BECAME A RAMBLE. I REALLY DO BE BACK BABEY. But fr, I'm looking forward to posting again. I'm not going to be posting names or anything stupid like I used to. But I still want to share parts of my personal life.

I'm also wanting to get back into writing fan fic. But I'll have a separate blog for that, so it's all nice and together. But I'll reblog it on here.

[narcissisticpdcultureis]

hi im anon from (734828727660412928/npd-culture-is-deciding-to-give-up-on-friendships?source=share) (hopefully that link works, I don't use tumblr often so I'm not sure how to go about following up asks on anon). just came back to read this blog during a really bad crash im having right now because it cheers me up to know im not alone in having symptoms of this disorder and saw my ask got posted...

(update on friend situation) just today they said in the group chat theyre all drawing gift art for each other and other friends... i'm still waiting on the paid art from them but they're doing art trades and stuff for free so i feel kind of like trash. im a bit of a bleeding heart though so im gonna give them like one more month before telling them not to bother finishing the art for me... id love my money back because it did cost a LOT of money but i dont want to be a dick so im just going to express my disappointment by telling them not to worry about the commission at all. i want to feel like i have some right to be mad in this situation but im very soft hearted and dont really have any other friends so if i lost these friends id have literally nobody else in my life :( and that kinda feels like hell for me to think about... i feel like im being treated like dirt but im still going to go christmas shopping for them.............. even if i feel like shit, i feel shittier if i dont get people gifts and stuff because i just think to myself, like, "i feel like crap if nobody buys me shit for holidays or my fucking own birthday and i dont want other people to feel that way".....

also im feeling a little sad because whenever my friends talk about their friends they dont even refer to me by name theyll go "[friend a name], [friend b name] and oomfie are in our server" or something. im not even a name to them... i feel like the last kid picked on a team but not even the last pick. like have you guys ever been on a sports team and you kinda got awkwardly waved over to one of the teams because nobody even wanted to pick you? yeah.

i wonder if im just really dense and need to pick up on hints that people dont even want to be around me. i even tried to post this video game i started working on lately because i thought it was really interesting and cool and i put my soul into it but everyone just ignored it in the group chat.

i think the social outcast route is probably my best bet at this rate, i think. im going to be pretty fucking depressed about limiting my social interactions but i think the depression from isolation isnt as bad as getting constant narc crashes from people not putting even a tiny bit of energy into friendships. like.. i honestly am not asking for very much. i get fucking narc highs if someone uses my fucking name in a conversation. i get highs from literally the bare minimum fucking interaction of anything directed in my direction im so desperate....

i wasnt going to write up a follow up ask but i just wanted to say thanks to this blog for existing and making me feel like im not completely alone and thanks for the nice comments in the reblogs and tags, it cheered me up. you guys are really nice to me and i'm a complete stranger to you all, it makes me feel like theres some hope for nice people existing out there. im just a little too tired to carry on. thank you all, i hope you have a really good day. keep on surviving out there, it's not a kind world to any of us, and it's tough to stay alive at all.

(apologies for another vent but thanks for posting my asks <3 i wish you all the best and nice days to come. also sorry this isnt in the npd culture format, but i just rly wanted to say thank you for the support on the other ask)

sending hugs (with consent) nonny 🫂 i'm so sorry honestly you deserve way better than how your friends are treating you :( i hope at some point you can talk to them about how they're making you feel and improve the situation because it sounds like you deserve better

[steddieyes]

Chapter one - An opportunity

A continuation of my previous Bryce graduation post.

(uploading here before ao3 (@Arloooh), I suggest not looking at my other bryce graduation post if you don't want to be spoilt!!)

-

You see, it all happened almost ten years ago to the day. It was like any normal summers day in school, bright uniforms and freah air, until unique monique and her stupid boyfriend exchanged vows (a fart machine) and became official. Boyfriend and girlfriend. And boy was it a sight to see, no longer was Bryce the main act, but these two losers who hugged like they were happy. /happy/. Something Bryce hasn't felt in years, not since she ripped her own heart out for Bobby only for the boy to empty his lunch all over it. She stormed away that day, stabbing Bobby's dad and stomping on what was left of her now broken heart, in two with glitter spilling out like some stupid analogy she'll get later in life. 

But that was then, and now is now. And today's graduation day. 

God has she had waited years for this. Having her heart ripped out only to have a shittier one put back in by "Dr" Paul from down the street, the /mortician/. But looking across the crowd that was once her playing game, pawns to put into place, she can't help the inkling of pride she feels knowing she won't be just like her mom. That she isn't just anothet high school dropout who swindels cash for a living. She's a top grade student who may have finessed a thing or two to get here, but she's finally here and that's all that matters. Not caring for the people that are around her. Sure, Cindy's a nice girl, pretty hair and straight teeth, but she's just a freind. She's no Bobby. 

Fuck. Bobby. 

It's been almost ten years, and even without her own heart to feel, she still can't get over what she did. What she's done. To the boy who, for a short ammount of time, she truly loved. But she's not sure she can call it that anymore, not sure she deserves to yearn for him after doing something like that. No matter the sleepless nights she's had week after week, or the notebooks full of apologies and dreams she could have lived out with him. With bobby. With... her Bobby.

-

Putting on a practiced smile, she shakes her head and follows the crooked line of soon to be previous classmates. Not bothering to look out for dear ol ma'. She's probably off swindeling princaple Higgans for cash anyways, she can’t keep her eyes off a cash cow when she sees an opportunity like that appear dressed in tight suits. 

There's filtered out chatter and banter around her as she walks in line, the speakers going off shutting down her day dream real quick. "Five minutes till showtime everyone! I hope you've got your disposables ready! And no /flash/, thank you." God. As if that entitled old dustbag has even seen a camera, you can't turn off the flash, prick. Not even that fancy camera mom stole could turn off that damn flash. Whatever, I'm almost up anyways.

Just a couple more people and here I am, shit, that really is alot of people. 

Looking over the crowd of graduates and parents alike, Bryce smiles. Truly smiles. Shes proud of what shes done, dredging her way through school after falling off her high horse all those years ago, but still remaning the powerful women she is now. Scanning the crowd, she looks for her mom, for the sliver of hope that she'll find her looking up and smiling back at her, smiling back with pride. But as she looks across the vast crowd, she spots a fermilliar smile by the bleachers and oh my god- 

Who knew seeing him would cause this rickety old heart to finally fail, ten years did me good huh..

[yes0another0outsiders0blog]

I'm less sick today, so that's cool! Anyway, time for

The Outsiders Reread : Chapter Two Notes

I could read a whole book of no plot, just them dicking around at the drugstore and gossiping with random people they knew. They mention that it happens, but there's zero detail

Slice of life Outsiders, please???? For me?????

I just want more details on everything. "[Whoever] cussed him out" "Dallas was talking dirty" etc. I want QUOTES. I want to hear someone call someone every name in the book, I want to know how nasty the sexual harassment got. (I lowkey want to know if it's worth being impressed over or if I could outdo them)

I know, I know, leave shit to the imagination and less is more. Shut up, I want it SPELLED OUT for me.

I want it in the pov of someone shittier. Also. Like, glad Ponyboy is like "that kind of kicks just doesn't appeal to me." (in reference to harassing women), but C'MON, I read for ENTERTAINMENT VALUE, give me something to be shocked by!!! Entertain me!!!!

"It's a shame you can't ride bull half as good as you can talk it." I love Cherry. I know I've called her boring before (she is, I think she's a boring character, sorry), but that's a line. Respect, ig. That's, like, the best she's got, so I'll mention it. As well as the throwing that Coke in Dally's face, obviously.

Modern!Cherry DEFINITELY strapped w that stun gun, tell me I'm lying, bitch would not hesitate.

Marcia is autistic because I'm autistic and I said so, btw. Not sorry.

Also, to all yall making headcanons that Dally would treat a CurtisSister!Reader like he does Cherry, "When Steve's cousin from Kansas came down, Dally was decent to her and watched his swearing. We all did around nice girls who were the cousinly type." He would be base-level respectful (I still don't think he'd be great, but--) and if he knew them better he'd be more friendly, stop writing them to harass them, bro. Some dirty comments, probably when they're closer, but straight harassment is probably a no.

Why do people even glance at Cherry when Marcia is RIGHT THERE?? My girl, is SWEAR TO GOD.

I headcanon/interpret all of her lines in a dry deadpan. Like, she says these funny-ass jokes monotone as hell and it's hit or miss with whether people get it. Not even sarcasm (in tone, it's objectively sarcastic comments), just dead toned witty humor. Serious as can be, saying the craziest things, and most people just don't get that she's kidding but goofyass Two-Bit does and obviously so digs it.

[depressed-otakuru]

tw: self harm, depression, sui ideation

I didn't really know where to post this, but since no one I know in real life knows I have an account here, might as well let off some steam. It's been a good 7/8 years since I last self harmed. Today I contemplated doing it again, I think I just have a tumblr account laying around for these times where I feel like shit and I need to look for even sadder, shittier things to look at. I don't remember much from all of the self harm I inflicted myself, it was long ago and I was under medication so it gets a little blurry when I think about those times. Regardless, I do remember two vivid wake up calls. The first was when my brother peeped through the bathroom keyhole, just to see me self harming. And the second is when my mother saw me with a short sleeve on while was playing videogames late at night, and I had really fresh cuts. I don't know how to describe the horrified, disappointed look they gave me on those times. To think I could hurt those close to me so much. I think around that time I became a bit more aware of how much damage I was doing to my family and was able to stop.

I never stopped because I started liking me for being me, or that I got better, I think the only reason why I stopped this behaviour was not to hurt my family any longer. I am not ashamed of hurting myself. I am ashamed of hurting them. It's sad how little I value myself, and how I still can't reconcile with my true self. On another note, lately I have started loving and caring for a new partner which lives a few hours away, hence we haven't met in person yet. We have exchanged photos and we have gone on facetime a couple of times but I can't help but think that whenever they finally meet me they will be as disappointed of me as I am. I don't think I'm ready to love anyone, or even raise a pet rock. I feel so unfit to keep on living but at the same time I am so scared of making a mistake and not seeing the bright side of life I might miss out if I keep at it. If you finished all that I'm sorry you had to read my little rant. Love you xx.

[seriously-mike]

This isn't just fiction, it's nonsense.

The phones of early 2000s already had cameras. They also had a lot of proprietary format bullshit going on that gave me no end of trouble, and monetization features like ringtones and wallpapers that you could only purchase and not load for free from your computer. I mean, best of fucking luck digging through your box of cables to find that one specific one used to transfer data to and from your Sony Ericsson phone, because it's entirely different from the one used by Siemens. And if you upload your favorite MP3s (that you have to convert to shittier quality because you can't expand the internal memory and it fits about eight songs at CD quality) to your Nokia using their proprietary software, you can't download them back to your PC because they're converted into a bizarre format nobody uses.

Every major company tried to push their proprietary audio formats they could control. AAC. ATRAC+. WMA. To quote a classic: "THEY FAILED! As they were SMASHED! INTO THE GROUND!" Defeated by the humble MP3 created in an university lab.

Navigation on current generation smartphones is THE thing that puts the biggest strain on battery. On my previous phone it would cut the battery life in half. Also, for comparison: Nokia 3310 battery had about 700 mAh capacity. Current generation smartphones have batteries with capacity of about 5000 mAh, seven times larger. Why? Mostly navigation, then data transfer used by third-party apps.

The old internet had a FUCKTON of ads, this is why adblocks were invented in the first place. Banners. Pop-up windows. Pop-under windows. Obnoxious music. Shit that would drive today's kids insane. No oversight whatsoever, anything goes.

Half of the websites wouldn't work without you installing five different plugins. Java, JavaScript, Macromedia Flash Player, RealPlayer, Apple Quicktime, Adobe Acrobat Reader, some exotic stuff that could as well be malware.

I remember the "stickers" from early social media websites that were a lot like likes, but meaner. Aside from things like "hot", "princess" and other positive "stickers", there were things like "monkey", "spanner" and so on. Hell, DeviantArt had the number of people who added the drawings to their favorites visible since always.

The appearance of social media profiles was hardly more customizable than today, and only before someone got the bright idea to hide iframes with malicious code on sites that didn't disallow that. Blogs were a different matter, but even now you're able to format your Tumblr blog to a fairly large extent, as long as you're able to chew through mile-long CSS sheets and have some place to store the background images.

Those are just some things that you have never experienced, but I do remember thanks to being a fucking dinosaur.

I had my own website built in Windows Notepad, with icons stolen from wherever, simple formatting and so on. This is also why I don't give a shit about image generators running on stolen art: the internet ALWAYS ran on stolen art, as much as people are trying to deny it. Marcus Ranum's stolen fetish photos with shitty captions all over people's Myspace pages. Memes that were just stolen drawings like "The Biting Pear of Salamanca" with nonsensical captions. AMVs on Youtube made from bootleg anime and songs ripped from CDs. Porn scans. Fantasy art scans from obscenely expensive albums available in like five countries only, because you couldn't even order them online.

We stole the internet. If your fictional "early internet" isn't a mess full of stolen content, annoying music playing fuck knows where and fuck knows why, millions of toolbars of which half is malware and the other half advertises one specific website, billions of ads and trillions of garbage sites built in Windows Notepad, hosted on free 5MB accounts and entirely unmoderated, you don't know SHIT about early Internet.

Because I was there, Gandalf. Three thousand years ago. And it wasn't any better than now.

Low Tech Solarpunk

The level of tech in my personal version of Solarpunk is a lot more like tech in to 90's and early two thousands

Physical media libraries (books, video games, movies)

Phone booths

Small phones (of sustainable materials) with long battery life and with basic internet (for navigation and safety necessities etc), no apps or camera

The internet itself being more like the old internet so no algorithms, and there would be no ads other than for free events

You won't see the amount of likes, followers or views on other peoples content or profile, only on your own

Social media profiles' appearance would be a lot more customisable and fun again

Those are just some things that imo we got right the first time and honestly wouldn't mind going back to

[fervidflame]

SORRY GUYS

cant do day 2. mental health DROPPED and just had a breakdown cant lie.

VENT BELOW

mymental state is so bad right now it hurts.

gonna split this up into bits so its easier to read what you wanna read

TW -- SUICIDE MENTIONS, ABLEISM MENTIONS

1 - VERBAL STUFF

i was at school today and someone next to me said something really ableist but I got accused by this guy who clearly doesnt like me even though we dont sound similar?? ive been crying about it because IVE been feeling guiilty for something that OTHERS have done.

2 - ONLINE STUFF

the same guy knows most of my online friends and im scared hes gonna spread absolute shit about me and then I'll be alone and it'll turn into a cycle of dreading school and depression, wanting to kill myself, etc.

3 - EVERYTHING ELSE LIKE MENTAL SHIT

i cant think straight at all, my grades are getting shittier, each time i walk into that one classroom i burst out into tears because thats the one teacher that i look up to as if theyre a parental figure, as a source of comfort. i feel so shit because i just want people to like me but its so hard when youre fucking autistic and cant mask for the life of you. i just want everything to be okay but i know it will never be. i wish i were normal and not some stupid fucking freak who cant take a joke or anything.

4 - A FRIEND SITUATION (WELL TWO)

A - FRIEND M

they come venting to me everyday, s/h in front of me, but I OBVIOUSLY cant leave them because then I'll be a saddo. im not a therapist, im just a kid. theyve supplied half of our trauma but we cant fucking leave

B - FRIEND S

today she randomly begun venting and telling me she was going to kill herself. what am I meant to do? i dont know. i feel guilty because what if shes DEAD and im to blame.

[meditating-dog-lover]

Personal trainer meeting

So I met with my personal trainer again today and I went over some stuff.

For me, it's a combination of different things that help me burn fat, not just 1. It's the following:

Eating healthy and limiting my consumption of high fat and high sugar junk foods.

Brisk walking - it puts my heart rate int he fat burning zone and it burns a lot of calories, and from fat.

Strength training circuits - strengthens muscles which boosts metabolism and helps you burn fat even when not following a low calorie diet. But it still needs to be done in conjunction to cardio (both brisk walking and HIIT).

HIIT - boosts metabolism and burns a lot of calories, but likely not from fat because it's an intense workout that will surpass the fast burning zone heart rate. My PT said that doing it 1x a week is plenty.

My PT likes these workouts and said they are helpful, and I even asked if I can come in for another session for some sample strength and HIIT circuit workouts.

So overall I need all 4. It's better to do all 4 consistently and slip up every now and then than to do 1 perfectly and ignore the rest.

This is what helped me lose fat from July to September 2021, and from September 2021 to November 2021. After November 2021 things went kind of downhill because I lost track of my fitness and life got in the way (got concerned with my health, work, and finances and was comparing myself to others and felt shitty and had body image issues). So I put on weight which made me feel shittier and my mom and sister called me out on my weight gain which made me feel even shittier.

I looked pretty good in November 2021 because I worked hard. I have pictures from that time and I looked good, at least compared to May 2022 where I put weight back on during my sister's college graduation. It's frustrating as someone who has struggled with their weight growing up and had issues with being consistent. I am also tall with a wide athletic frame so even at a low body fat percentage I will always look bigger next to people. I need to figure out how to accept that and how to find clothes that flatter me.

I've been dealing with a lot of shit ever since COVID where I became so depressed that a ton of things triggered my childhood trauma and made me feel worse. I still feel shitty and am in pain, though better than before. And one of the things bothering me is my weight and body image. Because the above 4 help, I'm just going to suck it up and power through them until I feel better and healthier and develop a healthier and fitter body. This won't solve very problem I'm dealing with and will have to deal with in order to heal my trauma, but it's a great step in the right direction.

I still have teeth trauma, relationship trauma, poor style due to poor body image, and general anxiety I have to deal with. It's almost 2024 and I hope to successfully dedicate the year to healing from these issues. I did a lot this year (continues therapy, did great at work and learned a lot of new experiments and lab methods, learned a lot about financial responsibility and opened a HYSA and IRA account (I have almost 30k in savings), went through a holistic healing journey by correcting nutritional deficiencies, met with a dietician and personal trainer which is something I would avoid in the past because I hated people commenting on my diet and fitness, finally met with doctors especially with a PCP and did blood work which is another thing I held off because I have health anxiety over this stuff despite my blood work being very good - especially my lipid profile as I have low cholesterol and triglyceride levels, did some self-care by styling my hair and getting a professional skin treatment and improved my style and appearance which is big for someone with body dysmorphia, etc...

I'm still healing from the COVID and post-COVID pain and it will take some time. I don't want to feel like my 20s went to waste because of it, and I want to fill in the void I feel by making and accomplishing goals. And even if I don't achieve 100% of all my goals, I have my 30s to look forward to.

[skullfacedog]

in the past I’ve kinda wondered whether my attachment to the idea of traumacore/being a victim of csa and kind of showing symptoms and some other things was caused by a past life where I experienced csa or current life trauma that I have no memory of and I’ve been gradually accepting that I likely have repressed trauma from daycare but just today I realized it very well could be both. so that’s great. I rlly couldn’t get a break, I was traumatized and died young in my last life, only to be abused again at 5 years old after being reborn lol. thanks universe.

the reason I suspect I had a past life like this is that even as a kid I had dreams and memories of a house I’ve never been to, but growing up I just thought it was something I saw in movies, but it feels so weirdly nostalgic it’s hard to really tell whether it’s like fake/skewed memories from childhood movies or something I saw on tv or if my brain is just making shit up or if I’m actually remembering something from another life. and the past life theory is really starting to make sense because it seems to have taken place in the 80s/90s, a time period I’m very nostalgic for- which could partially be because I’m the youngest in my family and a ‘96 baby so I grew up with some 80s stuff and tv shows. but I keep coming back to this particular house, and it feels so real, as if I’ve seen it in person but I know for sure I haven’t, not in this life.

there’s also my weird attachment to hospitals. I have never been hospitalized. I mean, maybe if you count the time I got so dehydrated as a kid I passed out and had to go to the hospital but I didn’t stay overnight and I don’t remember it. I know what the hospital in my town looks like though, because I’ve been there a few times when my nieces and nephews were born. but I almost feel like I was hospitalized, like I must’ve stayed in the hospital for a long time, like I’d explored the empty halls myself at once point, but I know for certain I have not done any of that in this life. like, 100% certain. I’ve had to ask my parents if I’ve ever been hospitalized before for some checkup or whatever idk but I distinctly remember this bc I was a teen at the time and asked my mom bc I wasn’t sure if me injuring my leg counted as being hospitalized (I injured my leg when I was 10, also didn’t stay in the hospital overnight, don’t remember if I went to a hospital at all or just a doctor’s office?) and she told me about the time I was so dehydrated I passed out, but that was it. so why are hospitals nostalgic to me? no clue!

from what I’ve gathered from my scattered possible past life memories, I think I was a little girl with middle class parents and a nice room, was abused at some point, stayed in the hospital for a long time but no idea why or in what order these events happened, and seemingly died fairly young, like kid to teen age maybe. I kinda wonder if my brain won’t let me access my current-life abuse memories because my spirit remembers what happened last time and doesn’t want all that pain again. I wouldn’t be surprised if I’d killed myself or self harmed enough that it lead to my death, just a hunch that it was either that or my abuser killed me. I hate not remembering but I have to be thankful to my brain for protecting me when it knows I’m not ready to handle the memories :/ sucks I was abused again in this life but at least I get another chance. idk. I’m normally in that state of “not suicidal but zero fear of death” but thinking about how I may have lived an even shittier life that was cut short before this one makes me not wanna mess things up this time :(

finally my delusion giving me a will to live /s

[insom-nom-nom-niatic]

My little rant because I'm going to either end up in jail or in tears in a minute and I need to just get it out so neither of those happen:

Found out today, nonchalantly, that the person whom got kicked out of my current job area and could never make it or learn that they need to learn how to not be a dick and a know it all and blame everyone else for any problems...  is now planned to come back to this job area and is now wanted to take over the position that I have been talked about to go into that position for at least 2 years.

 I had a conversation about them wanting me in this position when they finally get the person that is currently holding that title to leave ... not even a month ago.

I have been out of work for 2 1/2 months due to an injury that everyone who watched the video of the incident all agreed that there is absolutely NOTHING I could have done to make the situation any different. I work with dogs so there is almost always something someone could've done differently... making my situation much different than the typical shit we deal with.

And it is to my understanding, the reason that this other person is now being wanted for that position is because I have been out on medical leave for so long.

As if that was my choice.

I wouldn't be driving myself fucking crazy every day if that was my choice.

I wouldn't not be able to use my entire right arm if that was my choice.

I wouldn't be fucking broke because the US Workmen's Comp. system is fucked up if that was my choice.

But here I am, working even though it goes against everything my doctors say I'm allowed to do and training and re-training everyone because no one else knows the shit that I do or can do the shit that I do... just to be used and looked over. 

So here's the question if anyone has made it this far and would like to give some advice:

THE 'FUCK IT' OPTION: I do the hardest thing for me and not give 110% of me to this job as I always have done and use any energy that is more than 50% into this job and use that into creating my own businesses?

THE 'POWER THROUGH' OPTION: I continue to do the work that I have always done and get 110% into this and try to help everyone out because I thrive in chaos when no one else does and I'm the only one that fights for anything. And I hope for the best with this other person not going into that position and me being the second choice? 

And TBH... I've been done with this company for years. But when you're good at some thing it's hard to go anywhere else. Especially when you have the health problems that I do and I know the people where I'm at almost like family for a few of them and know I can count on them not judging the shit out of me.  and the money isn't great but it's survivable. Compared to anything else that I could possibly be doing right now right off the bat... it's better than most other jobs.

I always get the question of "do you see yourself staying with this company for your entire life", and the answer has always been no. I don't want to be a part of this shitty company and shittier rules and people and things that stop you from doing what's best for animals. But at the same time, it's not going to change so if I'm doing it I at least know that things are being taken care of and it doesn't pay too terribly.  it's not at all what I want to do for my life. What I want to do is most likely not actually reachable. So if I'm talking realistically, it could possibly be some thing I do my entire life even though I would rather not. 

[diary-in-disguise]

Awful Day 1/22/23

Just an awful day. It’s hard to really say what happened but i guess i have to in this journal. Basically ESTJ touched a shittier artists work last year. He edited it to make it look good and the design was completely changed. However the artist complained we couldn’t use it and i was kind of neutral but ESTJ was pissed. The whole thing looked like a redraw with a lot of design changes but a bunch of shit artists just kind of piled on us. I told one off. However i feel like ESTJ just went nuts on them. Then i unleashed a wall of text and nobody really responded. Nothing ever changes in the server. However 2 members messaged me concerned over my mental health. Saying i was obsessing over the server and my art and i should step down as moderator. It was hard to stomach, especially how cold and awkward both kind of got.

But i can’t. Nobody is as good as me. Anyways i feel better after doing 2 ballet workouts. However i felt so much awful dread today. Just so much on and off crying. I probably cried around 5 times i just couldn’t let it go. My soul and emotions hurt so much because nobody knew how much i worked. However i will try and do more to improve my life. Maybe this is a little of a wake up call to get more work life balance. My art should be for fun more than work. But it hasn’t been fun in a long time. Just sometimes feels silly how i obsess over these pixel anime girls. Somedays it just feels like the world will end if i don’t try with them. Even with my reading i just felt so much dread, I kept seeing these horrible things in my mind like demonized beasts and people wondering around these fields feral and stupid. It was just kind of scary and i didn’t like it. But my mind sends me such bad things when i’m upset. I’m thinking again about traveling and engaging with my own life more after Las Vegas. I hope it pans out after i do a good research session.

[meeowerzz]

heart beating faster, feet pushin on the floor (what I call HBF), is a 80s-90s dadschlatt au that focuses on beeduo. none of the characters are the ccs, they are the dsmp characters only.

I’m shit at categorizing things but I’d call HBF a morbid comedy

content warning: HBF contains and/or refers to death, substance abuse, addiction, abuse, vomiting, underage substance use, and slight description of corpses.

all referred content above doesn’t go into extreme detail, but it’s there regardless. please read with caution

chapter one!! “should I stay or should I go?”

fun fact! I wrote the first chapter as a random story for my creative writing class (which is why the whole ‘running away’ thing seems a bit,, ooc lmao)

I love how it formed from then and just,, wowow

Today, at exactly 11:23 am, while brushing his teeth, Tubbo decided that he was running away. Why was he running away exactly, you may ask? He simply decided that this wasn't his place, it was a life too boring for him to want to live.

...That and the fact that his father is floating face down in the backyard's pool, and he lacked the knowledge of burying someone. Being labeled as a murder would also would look horrible on a resume.

this was my favorite part of chapter 1 for awhile btw, like it’s morbid but chefs kiss

It wasn't his fault though- the man got wasted, threw a chair into the glass backdoor, threw a poorly aimed punch at him, then went out back to continue drinking with his friends. Tubbo simply woke up, swept glass, made coffee, went out back, saw his dad in the pool, possibly poked him with a plastic flamingo, then went back inside to brush his teeth.

he actually poked him with the flamingo, I think him possibly denying that he poked him was funny. imagine that in an interrogation

And now here he is, packing up duffle bags and loading some boxes into his beat up beetle. It would've been a suspicious sight to see him moving so much into his car if you've never lived on his street before, but this was a monthly occurrence to view. Not even the neighbor walking their dog cared.

I feel like I didn’t go into enough detail with this part. schlatt got pissed over a lot of tubbo’s shenanigans and kicked him out semiregularly. tubbo always came back after his dad sobered up and/or went to work

The last things to pack was a cooler and all the savings he had been collecting; he was planning on moving out early anyways, it just got moved to a closer date. Oh, and he needed to make sure no one stops by his house in the next week, it would be awkward if he wasn't out of the state when cops show up.

Picking the weighted phone off the wall, clicking plastic buttons as he dialed his aunt's number.

"Hey Aunt Puffy? It's Tubbo."

"Oh Tubbo, I wasn't expecting a call before I came by saturday." the static of the phone almost covered up the annoying noise of her seven year olds playing.

"Yeah about that- dad randomly decided that we were going camping for the next two weeks. Said I wasn't 'a real man' and needed to 'do manly things that way he raises a man and not a wimp'." all real quotes, but from a different time.

originally I was going to throw minor homophobic insults there- but decided that the shittier ones I threw there could’ve been built on later one yk

She remained silent for a moment, obviously judging the statement, but then sighed- "Oh well, there goes my weekend plans. Tell your father I said hi then, call when you get back."

puffy was always ooc in this and I felt rlly bad ab it. I should’ve watched her more out of egg lore o(-(

"Of course." oh, lying does feel nice sometimes.

She hung up after a second, and then Tubbo went off to finish packing.

--

The second to last stop on his list was Halo's Convenience Store, otherwise known as the gas station at the edge of town.

"Ranboo! I have arrived." he threw his arms out to make his entrance grander, much to the disliking of the man who Ranboo was ringing up at the counter.

"Tubbo! Nice to see you, my guy! How's it goin?"

"Just coming by to steal you." hopping over the counter, helping himself to the mini fridge and gummy worms.

boo is so gas station core. u agree.

"Child- you know that those are only for staff to reach." Mr. Halo’s voice echoed across the small convenience store, his words held a blantically obvious annoyed tone.

"Sorry Bad- I'll be out of your hair once Boo finishes their shift!"

yeah I don’t know why I made BBH own a convenience store, it kinda just happened. insert ‘why he driving the bus all the sudden’ meme.

"That's what you say every time, and then you stay for an hour eating items without paying and scaring people away from my store- get your grimy hands off the merchandise."

"Sir I'm a growing boy, are you denying me nutrients? Are you trying to malnourish me?" Tubbo accused, using his 3 years of high school theater acting skills and causing Ranboo to chuckle.

imagine the most exaggerated voice for those lines btw. HBF tubbo was an over the top drama kid before dropping out

He, of course, grumbled in return, but dropped it.

“Boo, my Beloved, will you do me the honor of getting off work early?”

“What’s the occasion?”

“Thought we should get away for a while.” a simple answer, wasn’t a lie or the full truth. A good medium.

“Hmm- maybe I can figure something out.”

That wasn’t the answer Tubbo was hoping for.

“How about just leaving this shithole now?” he suggested, shoving some gummy worms into his mouth.

“Hey! Language!” Bad barked from a different aisle than before.

“Sorry!”

“Depends if we’re going to get Taco Bell after work.”

That could be done. Tubbo would make Ranboo pay though, man’s got a bit of money to spend.

“Taco Bell could be arranged.”

Ranboo smiled and grabbed a handful of gummy worms from the other’s bag.

“Sounds like a plan then- let’s go.”

Tubbo smiled back, grabbing a few more snack bags and some drinks before sliding over the counter once more.

another reason BBH hated tubbo’s ass in this was the regular occurrence of stealing shit from the store. I like to think there’s a bulletin board with banned costumers on it- tubbo’s on it at least 3 times

"To the Bumblebee!" the duo ran out the convenience store before Mr. Halo could even mutter in protest.

"Excuse the mess in the back, had to throw some stuff in here at the last minute."

"Fine with me as long as the seats are clean." Ranboo mutters as he takes off his cashier apron.

The car doors slam shut with a click, Ranboo fastens his seat belt as Tubbo drums his fingers against the steering wheel.

"So, where to?"

"After grabbing your stuff from home, hopefully across state lines in a few hours." Tubbo says in a quick breath, grumbling about the car's slow start up.

"Wait- what?"

"We have to get your stuff first dude."

"No no- why state lines? Tubbo what's going on?" Ranboo's tone went from curious to concerned, their fingers fiddling with the seat belt.

"Boss Man, we're on the run."

Tubbo hit the gas, speeding the two out of the parking lot before Ranboo could say more.

"Tubbo! Hold on! Stop!!" the poor teen yelped, his hands holding onto the dashboard like a lifeline.

Just for kicks, Tubbo took his request wholeheartedly and slammed the brakes.

"If you don't tell me what's going on right now I'm going to throw myself out of this car."

"You wouldn't dare."

But Ranboo did dare- his seat belt unbuckles.

"Fine! Fine! My dad fucking died and I do not want to be blamed for murder."

“HE WHAT?” Ranboo almost launched himself out of the car then and there.

“My dad’s dead, and I’m getting away before being accused of murdering him by law enforcement.”

“Wh- how? Are you ok? Did you get hurt? Why, no wait- how- jesus.”

“Boo I’m fine, and no, I didn’t actually kill him.”

Ranboo completely sunk into his seat, pinching the bridge of his nose as they curled into themself.

“There is no way this is real right now.”

“Well I wouldn't lie about running away would I?”

Ranboo paused for a moment before answering.

“...No.”

“Would I lie about my dad dying?”

“No.” the reality started to sink in for Ranboo, his face becoming pale.

“Exactly.” Tubbo didn’t realize he was holding his breath until then, a long sigh escaped his lips.

“...Look Boss Man,” he tapped his foot anxiously next to the gas pedal, heart beating fast, “I know this is definitely a lot, but I wanted you to go with me.”

haha semi title pun,, so silly

Ranboo slightly uncurled, focusing their eyes on the dirty green sneaker that was fighting the urge to hit the gas.

“If I do run away, I want you to come with. There’s a high chance I’ll never come back here again, and I don’t want to leave you here. So...would you like to join me?”

“I...Tubbo- look.”

Oh.

Ranboo took a deep breath, uncurling in his seat completely.

“This,” he gestured to the rest of the car with his hand, “is absolutely terrifying, and there is no way in hell I don’t see this ending in some bad way that involves getting arrested or eaten by bears or something. But I don’t want that happening to you.”

Oh?

“So alright, let’s go. I’m definitely going to regret some of this later, but let’s run away.”

That was music to Tubbo’s ears. His foot slammed the gas, launching the two down the road.

“Thanks Boss Man, you’re literally the best.”

“I am. Are we still going to stop for Taco Bell?”

“No.” Tubbo laughed, too happy to care about buying a $4.95 taco right now.

dawg I don’t think that’s even the price of a taco bell taco. I literally threw numbers there tbh

Today at 2:34 pm, Ranboo would think that he would regret more things than he originally planned.

I’m going to post hbf chapter by chapter and ramble ab it on the dash and y’all are going to ask me ab stuff and love it sm (affirmation)