depressed-otakuru

[depressed-otakuru]

tw: self harm, depression, sui ideation

I didn't really know where to post this, but since no one I know in real life knows I have an account here, might as well let off some steam. It's been a good 7/8 years since I last self harmed. Today I contemplated doing it again, I think I just have a tumblr account laying around for these times where I feel like shit and I need to look for even sadder, shittier things to look at. I don't remember much from all of the self harm I inflicted myself, it was long ago and I was under medication so it gets a little blurry when I think about those times. Regardless, I do remember two vivid wake up calls. The first was when my brother peeped through the bathroom keyhole, just to see me self harming. And the second is when my mother saw me with a short sleeve on while was playing videogames late at night, and I had really fresh cuts. I don't know how to describe the horrified, disappointed look they gave me on those times. To think I could hurt those close to me so much. I think around that time I became a bit more aware of how much damage I was doing to my family and was able to stop.

I never stopped because I started liking me for being me, or that I got better, I think the only reason why I stopped this behaviour was not to hurt my family any longer. I am not ashamed of hurting myself. I am ashamed of hurting them. It's sad how little I value myself, and how I still can't reconcile with my true self. On another note, lately I have started loving and caring for a new partner which lives a few hours away, hence we haven't met in person yet. We have exchanged photos and we have gone on facetime a couple of times but I can't help but think that whenever they finally meet me they will be as disappointed of me as I am. I don't think I'm ready to love anyone, or even raise a pet rock. I feel so unfit to keep on living but at the same time I am so scared of making a mistake and not seeing the bright side of life I might miss out if I keep at it. If you finished all that I'm sorry you had to read my little rant. Love you xx.

[depressed-otakuru]

[depressed-otakuru]

[depressed-otakuru]

[depressed-otakuru]

[depressed-otakuru]

“i still love you. you know that right? i always did, probably always will. lord knows i was never good at letting things - or people - go.”

-and other things i’ll never tell you. c.r.

[depressed-otakuru]