#my joy when I was assigned to the Shroud: unlimited

[nattravn-art]

"All hands on deck!"

My piece for the @ddzine2023 charity zine: The Mountains & The Valleys! Ft my favourite enemies and favourite region!

[desertwhisperings]

Journal 4: The One About The Future

Rather predictably, this week’s journal is also late, but in my defence it has been a busy rollercoaster of a week since the previous journal entry. The least interesting development of this last week was the fact that I started my new part time job (the one that I interviewed for and secured last week). Some of the more interesting developments of the  week will be left unnamed (at least for now) as things currently remain in flux. But this busy week has me thinking about how quickly change can occur, how the most static, supposedly immovable aspects of reality can be swept away  in an instant; the mini-revolutions that occur within our own personal lives, altering perspectives, plans, and our understanding of the self, and its destiny.

Again, because things remain in flux, I can not go into detail about the changes that have occurred recently, but within the span of an afternoon my medium-term plans were completely altered, rather I should say that the fog cleared in the medium term future, it is not as if clear plans existed previously and were somehow usurped by changing circumstances, and though uncertainty remains, a clearer vision of the future makes itself visible. But just as Arwen’s future in the Lord of the Rings (I know I’m a massive geek, but I did recently rewatch the series, so indulge me) was uncertain towards the end of the War of the Ring, time bought clarity, and eventually the truth of the future became manifest, as the fog of war receded and the Enemy was overthrown.

Yet when the fog obscuring the future begins to clear, this can often elicit a surprising variety of contradictory feelings, of security, uncertainty, fear, hope, and fatalism, amongst others. Living within the fog, one becomes acclimatised to its various properties, to the sense of unencumbered freedom it affords, and the security one can find within the uncertainty. An obscured future means one can afford to ignore it, to put off difficult decisions, and focus on the here and now, one can avoid being tangled in the webs of complex and elaborate future plans, or cornered into unwanted commitments, when what lies ahead is shrouded by mystery and uncertainty, hidden to such a point that  accurate or reliable guesswork becomes impossible. There is certainly freedom in this, if the future is a void, an empty, featureless, shapeless abyss, then for all we know, it may contain the whole world. An unknown, unmeasured, unlimited potential that awaits unseen, a romantic notion I grant you, yet a possiblity nonetheless, when staring out into the great nothingness of an unknown future. And so rather predictably, once the fog lifts, and the future slowly begins to reveal itself, one can feel a sense of dissapointment, that the wide road of unmeasured potential has narrowed to a slight path of limited destinations. One also feels a sense of insecurity develop, once the fog rolls back, and one finds themselves exposed in the open, pushed to move along this new narrow path, hemmed in by lost choices and circumstance. And once insecurity takes root, doubt enters; did I make the correct choice while I ran free and blind in the fog? Did I err elsewhere in the long journey that has led me to this narrow path? Is this path as narrow or as certain as it seems from where I currently stand? Is there still time to leave this path before it becomes a valley, an impassable ravine where escape demands both sacrifice and cowardice? These questions of course remain unanswered, and it is possible that they haunt us to the very end of our days. It maybe that one only finds true contentment if they learn to be at peace with unanswered questions and unchallenged doubts.

Last week I wrote about lost time and a broken journey, this week it seems that I am complaining about the opposite situation, I suppose what I am trying to say is that neither condition is without difficulty, compromise, and tinged with regret. Within an usually short span of time I have found myself back on the great journey, and as I mused last week, I still wonder if I can reconnect to the path that led me here, that formed me as a person, and that now lies obscurred by the fog and the abyss that I’ve passed through onto this new, yet still precarious and uncertain, journey. I continue to hope that as this new path grows in clarity and certainty, that my link with the past also grows in strength, and that with the slow passing of time, the various ‘independent’ (sort of anyway) segments of my journey thus far meld into a single intuitively traceable,  understandable, and both historically and subjectively accurate timeline, to which I can refer back to in times of joy and happiness, or uncertainty and crisis. A rope that holds taut and secure the very essence of my being, a map of the self that provides perspective, identity, and meaning.

With a clearer future though I also hope that I am able to plan, at least to some degree; assign goals and targets for myself, move towards financial and social stability within the medium term future, and look towards the long term with both humility and ambition, seeking to carve out my own road as I move forward from a place of uncertainty and fragility, rather than being carried blindly through thoughtless momentum alone, on an inescapable (and doomed) path. The future could be bright and full of promise, it is too early to tell yet, but I remain hopeful that things will fall in place.