#my irrational fear of posting is so bad rn but I’m forcing myself

[glossykris]

jance compilation from the live <3

[thorns-by-jupiters-witch]

How do you keep up with your craft during COVID? I used to have bimonthly meetings with other witches, but most of them are older and at-risk so we don’t meet at all anymore. They are the loveliest people ever, but they don’t want to try zoom or things of that likeness so I’ve had almost no contact at all. Not only that I’ve also just had other stuff going on and I can’t seem to prioritize my craft at all. I feel bad calling myself a witch, any tips?💗💗

Hmmm. This is sort of tough to answer since I don’t know what kind of craft you practice, but I suppose I could answer for general witchcraft tips? Also, keep in mind, I’m not all that active in practicing the craft all too much anymore, and when I did, I generally kept that part of my life private/didn’t post about it on social media.

It’s nice getting with a coven to practice with, and though I did that every once and awhile, I generally liked doing things on my own, since I didn’t always agree with everything everyone else was getting into. I am not Wiccan, and my practice has never really been religious, although it has been spiritual more than anything. Having said that, here are some meep tips???:

You can start by building/adding to an altar. If you have a tribute/diety/general universe type thing to pray or lend fferings to, you can do that daily if it might help you more spiritually. Personally, when I had an altar, I had the ~universe~ in mind more than anything, since my craft has always been more agnostic/ offering my energy to any good force out there that would take it, I suppose?? And since these types of things can be expensive, don’t rush to get a good altar going off the bat; it’s something you’re supposed to build on.

Learn what you specialize in and what you want to accomplish with your craft. I know a witch who’s more interested in self-love, so she collects rose quartz and makes rose sugar to add to her baked goods. That’s a craft in its one way. Or you might want to lean towards the divination parts of witchcraft and purchase a board or tarot cards to ask questions for yourself, or anyone else looking for guidance. Or you may be a green witch who likes to tend towards herbs and plants. You can add charged crystals to a plant pot while you water whatever needs to be fed.

Bathe your crystals in moonlight. Again, I don’t know what kind of craft you practice, but most witches I know have crystals. You can soak them in a bowl of water and leave them out during a full moon (or any phase of the moon depending on what your goal is. I know that if you are a theistic witch that may worship Hecate, you might prefer to bathe your crystasl during a new moon rather than a full one) and let them charge. Keep your charged crystal in a pocket, or around your neck to borrow their energy when they’re ready. Mercury is in retrograde or whatever rn, so you might want to carry around some amethyst to protect yourself from toxic thoughts or labradorite to protect you from irrational fears.

Cast a circle. Light some candles. Meditate. The best, most fulfilling part of my personal craft has been casting circles and praying (again, to the ~universe~, but you can do whatever the hell you want.) it’s so incredibly therapeutic to openly speak in a nice space where I feel comfortable and protected in my circle. I’m sure, if you’re a witch, you know how to cast a circle, but if not, it’s really easy! You can draw a circle around your meditative place with a wand (I use a selenite wand to cleanse the area), athame, crystal, or if you don’t have anything else, you can use your finger or a stick. You can choose whatever kinda candles you’ve got to lite, or nothing at all, if you prefer (or if you don’t have a place to light candles on the ground without it being a hazard.) I personally like to cast circles with three to four other people to have the elements represented, but you can do that all on your own too, just be sure to check which one ay is north or which way south before doing so. Once you’ve casted you’re circle, you can meditate, pray, talk out loud, or cast a spell. Really, it’s your free reign. There’s no wrong way to practice so long as you’re not appropriating any culture. When you finish your circle, make sure to close the circle by staging your wand/athame/finger/stick in the opposite direction you firs cast the circle.

Celebrate the holidays. I’m not Wiccan, so I don’t go too far on my own when it comes to Wiccan holidays; that’s actually when I do prefer to meet up with ither witches because then I’m celebrating with a community rather than it just being by myself. However, since we can’t really do that atm, you can find smaller things to do. For example, Mabon just passed, and I only lit a candle since I wouldn’t be able to go to a bonfire. Samhain is coming up, so maybe that would be a good time to practice your divination skills.

Get crafty. Save up for a book on charms and learn what you can build from there. Charms are a lot of fun, although, it’s not really something I’ve ever gotten into other when I was with other people, however, since you might have more time on your hands, now’s the time to start creating. I also know there’s tons of things on charms on tumblr and Pinterest. I always find that interesting, but I’ve always been hesitant to follow anything anyone has posted to heart since literally anybody could post anything on the internet, but I’m sure there are some genuine tips, tricks, and craft ideas from other witches who just want to share. But I’d warn you to be wary, and try to stay away from blogs and such who post their craft for popular gain. That shit ain’t cool. (BOOKS ARE KEY IDC IDC IDC)

This is the most my foggy brain could conjure up after work twkvuwbr. I hope it was a little bit helpful and you find fulfillment on your future craft!

[plotbunnie]

Mm so there’s a lot of stuff under the cut I just feel like I can’t express directly? Please don’t feel obligated to read the mess going on in my head, I just need to put it somewhere. 

So this is just a big,,, massive dump of things I sometimes wish I could tell people but either it is socially unacceptable to discuss or I simply feel too guilty to do so, or feel as if I will not be understood. It’s really a big mess, so this is kind of a second ‘hey, turn back now!’ warning if that’s the sort of thing you’re not about.  This is a queued post, also, because it makes me feel a little less like I’m begging for attention that way, and knowing that will probably reduce the appearance of urgency it gives by being all big and emotional.

I’ve noticed lately that I’ve been venting, more. Which is natural, I’m in school, I’m stressed, yadda yadda. But like- the things I vent about are never what really upsets me? they’re usually related but not- the thing and I’ve been examining myself to try and figure out why, and it boils down to the fact that what I end up venting about is genuinely insignificant, or at least mostly so, especially compared to whatever’s actually bothering me. 

I’m also always trying to- dismiss and explain away everything that upsets me. “Oh, it’s just hormones”, “Oh, it’s just school stress making me crazy, you know”, “I’m just being oversensitive rn, it’ll pass”. 

But like whoops, no, it’s not passing cause the actual root issues are a lot deeper than “I feel bad bc my teacher laughed in my face when I asked a question he didn’t like”.

And here’s the thing- I can tell myself how irrational the feelings I keep getting are all I want and it will not make them go away? In fact it’s just been forcing me to internalize them and feel shitty for feeling them at all. 

So I guess here’s the part where I actually say what I’ve really been feeling, so I can look at it, and stare at it, and figure out what the hell I can actually do about it. Cause in some cases the solution seems so easy- and then it’s fucking not, and I just feel worse for failing at it.

I feel insignificant, invisible, probably some other word that starts with an ‘in’. Like I no longer exist the moment I’m outside of someone’s immediate vicinity, and only re-enter their memory bank once I’m in front of them or on their screen again. Like my whole existence is just floating in the void and sometimes a comet passes by or whatever and acknowledges me, and I’m just screaming for that acknowledgement and have no way of making it permanent. A lot of this is probably because of the fact that, thanks to my roommates & their situation, all but maybe four or five of the 20 people I met and started interacting with semi-regularly last semester no longer even acknowledge I exist- literally their expressions glaze over and they move past me, even when I’ve directly addressed them ( though I stopped doing that right quick, of course ). I’ve never, in my whole life of being picked on and pushed away from people, felt so small or alone as I do now. And I don’t know how to change that. I keep telling myself there is a way to change that, and I will find it, and all sorts of other shit a therapist would probably say, but ultimately, even if I am not this invisible being, I don’t know how to make myself stop feeling like one. I mean it’d be nice if I could ask people to remind me of that, but wow I guess that leads to the second problem?

I hate asking for things. heck, I hate receiving things without asking for them. A friend told me they were giving me something they’d gotten with digital currency they’ve amassed to a point it is no object and I still almost had a panic attack and immediately had to work out how I could even the score and pay them back. This friend reasoned that they were paying me back, but on a numbers level their gift still sort of dwarfed what I did? And so it still incited genuine fear until I could find a way to repay it back. And it’s not that I don’t want to be given things? Because then if the exchange of things ( be they compliments, edits, art scribbles, inconsequential digital currency gifts, anything because yeah, literally all of those result in the same anxiety- though some I’m better at combating the resulting anxiety than others ), then I start getting that unfortunate human response that makes me sad because I’m not getting things, when it is a commonly accepted concept that when you like someone you give them stuff ( again, not necessarily monetary or physical- applying to compliments and emotional support and all that junk as well ), and to NOT receive those things at all just feeds back into my first problem?? And it’s this awful vicious cycle. And worse than being given things out of the blue ( because the resulting warm fuzzies do generally balance out the panic and make it well worth it ) is asking for something- whether it is something I want, something I need- even suggesting something totally inconsequential that can be given to me to help someone else combat their anxiety over being given something.  But kind of especially asking for things I need? Asking for help, asking for emotional support, asking for an ear to speak to- it’s why I’m typing up this long-ass post I all but begged people NOT to read despite kind of?? really wanting someone to understand what I am experiencing ( because is it real if people don’t acknowledge it or know about it or understand it? ), rather than just- talking to someone. I don’t want to burden anyone with my neediness? I don’t feel I have the right, I don’t feel that I’m a Level 7 Friend who can request emotional support, and I feel like I leveled wrong on my lower levels so I can literally never reach Level 7. Nevermind that people just plain don’t want to hear about this sort of thing because it makes people uncomfortable and that is a fact not many people are willing to acknowledge? Like in my experience ( and I am CERTAIN this is not always true, but for me it has been, or feels like it has been ) no matter how close with someone you are, chances are they don’t want to hear about your deep shit. No matter how much they say ‘never feel bad for asking for help or wanting to talk’ they are also probably internally praying you ask someone else.  And that is fine? Like they gotta do they own thing and I will never begrudge them that ever ever ever because Wow Dude I Get It Big Time, but it really is a struggle when there is no one who IS willing to listen?

And sure, I could see a therapist, I did for a bit last semester and I keep telling myself to find a new one this semester since the previous one left, but honestly that one just allowed me to feel like I was trying because that’s what you do when you’ve got emotional turbulence, you see a therapist- and that’s... literally the only benefit seeing one brought me. Because they seem to be more focused on “well here is a list of ways you have already tried to potentially combat this small par of your problems without actually addressing the source”, along with “do you REALLY have this thing you were told you have because you don’t have any of these stereotypical and often inaccurate symptoms listed in this short passage of a book that is my only frame of reference for it”. ( yeah, that last one is really specific but like- I was trying to talk??? about how betrayed I felt that my freaking mother was told by professionals I’m autistic NOT ONLY when I was a child, but again when I was a teenager seeing a therapist, and then told my EX BOYFRIEND before she finally told me- casually and in passing. And instead of focusing on the emotional issue I wanted to address, she focused on whether or not it was an ‘accurate diagnosis’ ). 

Like I have all these problems and they affect me and how I function, but I didn’t learn what they were or how to address them or in some cases even that I had them until very recently, and I just want to acknowledge them, but if I try I’m just asking for attention or making excuses and I just don’t know what I can do about that but man that is almost a footnote in all this ugh.

And I’m sure this factors in somewhere but heck if I know where but like touch is something humans tend to need and wow I’m very touch-starved to the point I am now touch-repulsed and while the part of me that needs support is downright begging for someone to fucking hug me for like 3 hours is constantly battling the instinct to never let anyone near me ever because what if I’m too clinging what if it hurts what if it turns out it doesn’t help shit what if they take advantage of me what if they get weirded out what if what if what if

And then the final thing- and god I know this is choppy by now and I’m honestly scared of anyone who bothered to read this far cause heck, guess you know how to destroy me now, and also why- is that I am starting to wonder if there is a point to anything I do? Like obviously there is but-- I am a creature that thrives on acknowledgement more than most it feels like and I think that I am suffering a lack of just that has been made a little clear by now so I’m at that point where like- I just want someone to look at my work, really look at it and examine it and explore it and give me deep feedback and talk with me about it but nobody wants to fucking do that, as exemplified in almost all the above points and like if it’s not worth looking at in depth is it really worth looking at, at all?

Am I really worth looking at, at all?