#my internship is a much better working environment and I no longer feel like I'm trapped in the torture labyrinth

[lynchiangf]

it's crazy how I still have to write a long ass thesis when I literally don't gaf about uni anymore these days

[sharingtheprocess]

I always think of gender as a performance but what else do I perform?

Random reflection: my internship had this disability justice training and we spoke about performance & the way performativity has grown to have a negative connotation. Shortly after we were encouraged to push back on the dismissal of performance- because what is performance but becoming? trying? The facilitator said "we must all perform or values, practices, and self until the performance becomes embodied..." and I loved that

Hi everyone :) I'm back again to share about how things are going in Brasil. It's officially been a little over two months and naming that still feels weird to me. It does not feel like two months have passed but I also can't think of a better number?? I just know that I've been here. Even though it's winter & I've been dealing with the sun setting much earlier, it still feels like each day is longer than in the states. I'm starting to write this now on a Tuesday and I can't believe it's only Tuesday.

I'm happy to say I'm feeling a lot better. I'm still not conversational in Portuguese but some people are patient enough to struggle along with me in conversation. It's been kind of funny to see how quickly other people give up talking to me- those interactions remind me not internalize anyone's actions. People usually disengage if 1) I say I only know a bit of Portuguese 2) we are in a loud ass room so between the music & my limited vocabulary I keeping asking them to repeat themselves or 3) I start speaking in Portuguese but my accent is sooo off people be like "espanhol?" 🤣

I honestly cannot tell you what has really changed in the last few weeks, but I feel myself and this country opening up to each other more. I feel less like a visitor and a bit more like I live in this area and that daily comfort means a lot to me.

There have been other little changes around the home: Folake (Rayna's friend & initial roommate) is back in the states. She was supposed to leave at the beginning of July but couldn't leave the country (crazy story) and now Lupe is here visiting us! (S/O to Lupe for traveling to be with us). They'll be here til September 1st and I'm really excited to have someone to share new activities with and host.

I haven't seen Lupe since December, so it is really special to have them here, reconnect, and spend time together. Lupe if you're reading this I love you a lot and I'm so so thankful Rayna Jai brought us together <3

I went on a bike ride, visited new cities, and in the midst of it all I've been trying to release control. One reoccurring theme I've noticed whenever I move somewhere new is my own surprise when I feel a depressive episode about to start. Subconsciously I tend to feel like being in a new environment means I'm further away from my triggers or childhood trauma so I shouldn't feel sad or grumpy. But it's like no babes that all lives within me. And some days it makes itself known in bigger emotions (I'm irritable, withdrawn, fragile) and having my girlfriend witness all of it makes me feel really exposed.

I don't want these entries to involve too much relationship reflection but I must say a big part of why I'm here/how Brazil even became a blimp on my radar is Rayna- so I do want to name some things:

I'm learning a lot about myself because this is my first time living with a partner. I'm grateful for how much Rayna and I check in with each other because while it can sometimes bring up anxieties, I'm learning to share, process, and receive. Sometimes I want to hide and isolate, but Rayna has a crazy attunement to my energy, so I always feel seen LMAO. And that's the part that is really hard for me. I recognize sometimes my emotions are huge tidal waves and the energy is palatable but other times a bitch is trying to mask and it's not working 😭

My disorganized attachment style and the pre-therapy default settings do get worked up because being witnessed in my struggle is uncomfortable. But I'm practicing real conflict resolution skills- and not the selective vulnerability where you share things that you're comfortable disclosing so people feel close to you, but they don't really know you. It's this real, raw, vulnerability that honestly makes me want to throw up (anyone else relate or am I really just that sick in the head? lmfaoo).

I'm learning that people can feel hurt by me and still love me and that feels really huge, and I could cry if I think about it for too long. Overall, I'm a moody ass bitch and some places or days exacerbate traits about myself that I'm not always proud of, but I'm grateful for the grace and compassion others show me so I can show that to myself.

Things I'm looking forward to:

Finally fully unpacking my suitcase. I have basically been living out that hoe (haven't hung up any clothes, set up all my toiletries etc.) since I arrived. I think moving into my own room is gonna feel really good 😁

I'm gonna finally try some new hobbies! Shout out to my sweet friend Nii for putting me on a capoeira class that's specifically for trans and nonbinary people. I've really been searching/needing a trans community abroad so I'm going to check it out next week. Please send me sweet loving energy so everybody there wants to be my frienddd

If the weather isn't terrible tomorrow I'm also gonna try and go to a drumming class (I'm extra hyped about this because I haven't done any Brazilian style drumming since I left Philly so I'm excited to have my full circle moment)

I'm starting spiritual direction school and it'll be nice to have a monthly commitment to check in with myself spiritually bc I have been neglecting that dimension of my life since moving

Things I'm anxious(?) about:

Lupe leaving- I'm gonna miss them sooo much. It's crazy how fast our time together has gone by and I don't want it to end

Job applications/interviews blah blah blah- I just want to be employed so I can have some healthcare coverage

Trip to rio next month: a lot of things are unplanned and I'm a planner so this is feels a lil crazyyy but like I said I'm practicing releasing power and control

Starting spiritual direction school. I'm getting wayyy ahead of myself but I'm trying to do this so I can start playing entrepreneur (which is an energy I've been fighting for a long time) but I think it'll be really special to offer services to others

Thanks for reading & as always journeying with me 💞

Much love,

JC

[goatmilksoda]

Man, being 17 sucks, but graduating early and going to a community college has been just SUCH a godsend.

I had a meeting with my therapist the other day about how I didn't even know where I wanted to go after and I was so worried and she helped me make a great, detailed plan and made me realize that college is SO culturally different from k12 school.

We came to a couple conclusions during that meeting, with a large one being, if I choose to take a third year at the CC I won't be "betraying" the decision to graduate early because there are no grades AND because I'm on my own path now, and I want that extra year for a specific internship for the career I want and college apps/research + extra work time cash, that could really be more constructive than going straight into a 4 year blind.

And like then after, I've been thinking about it and like,,, not only that but it's so freeing.

When you're a kid (k-12 but mostly k-8) and autistic, most of your social value ends up coming from what you can provide materially. My parents were volunteers or teachers, I got good test scores, A+ grades, and was friendly with teachers, so I was able to score a couple friends.

But now, I'm around so many people every day and in so many different environments that if we don't socially mesh, that's okay. I'm not stuck having to prove myself worthy of basic kindness to my peers.

People are expected to be nice and cordial because they're adults and if I'd like to help, I can, but it's no longer my only way of making friends. It's no longer a do or die thing. It's something I can do because I enjoy helping people.

And like, there's also no "American Prodigy" pressure anymore. Y'know? Once you're out of highschool no one cares. I'm no longer "mature for my age" or "special" or "advanced" and I no longer need to live up to those goals of being so well rounded or good at everything. I can be good at a couple things and pursue them but I don't need to put my whole ass into it. I can get my A, go home, and live my life. AND MORE THAN THAT I'm not being compared to "other kids [my] age" anymore (nor am I being forced into Stem programs. Hallelujah. I can do my accounting and writing in peace).

My classmates range from a year older than me to 4x older than me, and because of that I'm now a peer and a collaborator to a lot of the adults around me. It's no longer a competition for attention and recognition, but we are working together! And we're all going different places at different rates and it's beautiful and lovely and makes me feel so much better about myself and how I'm doing.

[funeralcryptid]

Hey Cryptid! Hope you're doing good. Now that they diagnosed the illness i think you are a stop forward in understanding your health and curing the illness. Stay strong!

🐣My question: It's been 2 months since I started my articleship ( remember you gave me a reading regarding my career and you mentioned about internship ). And there are certain politics from a person. He's even trying to fill the higher authorities ears against all(mainly me). So i want to know how my career is going to be like, if i were to stay in this office

🐣my offerings: Latly I've been obsessed with white chocolate. So I would like to offer you the same( may be you'll like it? Who knows). Also better eye health/sight( mine has been improving drastically).

Thank you!

Welcome back,

Thank you! I'm trying to join a clinical trial so hopefully things go well.

If you do stay, I see that things will remain pretty much abou the same for the near future. There is the possibility to stand out and have higher ups notice you, but it remains at bay as something that is not secured. Indeed I see you being segregated or ostracized unjustly. Another issue is that it affects you more than you realize because you don't quite stand your ground; quite the opposite, the more they push you away the more you isolate yourself in the small space where you can do you.

Still, I have good news for you! If you do stay, I see that you will still be able to face the situation directly and take control of the situation. However, you will have to rely on attitude and character for this, not solely your work. If you find a powerful ally who can have your back then you will have your position secured for longer than not. You have to be smart and willing to be confrontational without seeming like a nuisance. This will benefit your image, but your articleship still remains separate from this.

I also asked what the right choice is for your situation. The only thing secured for you is change. You can either stay, or go, it won't be too different if thinga aren't clear. Change is need, and make your choice thinking solely on what's best for your articleship and your peace of mind so you can focus on it without feeling like you have to fight for yourself on top of that.

What I can say though, is that if you leave the office, you will find back inspiration and knowledge to keep writing and doing what you have to do. It opens the promise for grow, so it's smarter to leave and prioritize your articleship, than stay at a place where the main goal is to survive the environment.

I also want to emphasize that if you leave you will most likely have no guidance and will have to learn a lot of things by yourself. Make strong connections while you still can and rely on them for career and academic growth.

I hope you find this reading is informative.

[adultfansofonedirection]

HI Cassie and Candice! I'm coming to you with my woes b/e I know you always give such good advice and encouragement to your followers. Here's the deal: I've been out of university for about 1 1/2 years and it looks like almost my only option now is to move away from my hometown if I want any kind of decent job (I've been living back w/ my parents since graduation). I would be by myself, since I don't have close friends that would come w/ me, or that I could go and live with, and my family (cont

first of all, so sorry for the delay in answering this. Whenever we get a big ask like this, we like to really think about it so we can try and help you as much as possible! 

Also putting this under a cut because I really rambled on here!

First of all, it already seems like you’ve made the decision to move which is the hardest part of moving out of your parents house and heading out on your own. I think that’s really admirable and exciting! Now that you’ve pushed yourself in that direction, you can start making a real plan. 

Which comes to part one! Make a plan. Something really doable with small, incremental steps that will help you not feel so overwhelmed with everything you feel like you have to accomplish. Some good initial steps might be 1) researching cities you might want to move to and exploring their job markets and opportunities and job growth rate. 2) nailing down what industry you want to and go where that industry is thriving 3) finding  place to live and researching neighborhoods, housing costs, roommates etc. 4) applying for jobs or internships that will get you where you need to be. (these don’t need to be your steps, but you get the idea). The nice thing about living at home is that you have time and resources to do this research and make these plans.

Not having experience in an office setting can seem like a big hurdle. It always seems like when searching for jobs, they want so much previous experience even if it’s an entry level position. One really good resource might be a temp agency. If you can get in with a good recruiter at a temp agency, they can do some advocacy on your behalf and you can start doing short and maybe longer term temp jobs in office settings. This will give you that needed experience on that resume. You can then put those companies down on your resume, and since they tend to be bigger, reputable companies, it’s really helpful. I also remember from temping that I made some connections that also said they’d ask around asking if they could help find something for me as well. You meet a ton of people and get a chance to work in a lot of different environments (I temped for an architecture firm, a furniture design firm, a brokerage and the list goes on.) And a lot of places to temp to hire jobs so if you get your foot in the door and show them how amazing you are, they might hire you! 

I know it also seems like you’ll never get to the place you want to be in your career. And I’m not going to lie to you, you will have to spend some time paying your dues and doing some entry level work that you might not love. But if you keep at it and don’t give up on yourself, you can get closer and closer to where you want to be. Invest serious time in your career and put the hard work in, and you will eventually be working towards a better job! Cassie and I were both just talking about how we’re both finally in places where we’re happy and satisfied and working up in the world. It wasn’t always easy, but we did it. 

I also know what it is like to be shy and feel so horrible at making new friends and meeting new people. I would suggest a couple of things to meet people in a new city. 1) try to live with roommates. search craigslist to see if there are room openings, preferably with people who have lived there for a while. chances are they already have a community that you can join and meet people that way. it’s a really good way to ease yourself into finding your own people and growing your circle in a new place. and it’s nice to share utilities and that stuff with people. living alone can be really overwhelming at first with all that adult paying your own bills bs.  2) say yes to more stuff than you might want to do. when coworkers invite you for drinks after work, say yes! when someone invites you to their play or show or club softball game just say yes! it’s so hard when you’re shy, but you can do it! (obviously this doesn’t apply to people or situations that make you weary or uncomfortable so also listen to your gut) 3) go do things on your own too. find out what’s going on like festivals, concerts, or whatever you like to do. You’ll meet people. It’s so hard, but you will! 

I’ll leave you with this. My first year living away from home as a non student was the hardest year of my life. I was broke, working a shit job that paid next to nothing. I would often have to choose between eating and paying rent. My lights got shut off once because I couldn’t pay my electric bill. I didn’t have a lot of friends in the city and was very lonely and questioned every day why I’d moved away and taken the job. I don’t say this to scare you or to tell you this will be your situation. I didn’t plan very well and was so eager to get away that I made some rash, poorly thought through decisions. But I’m also so grateful for that year. I learned so much about money management, hard work, being an adult, and myself. And I wouldn’t tell myself to do it any differently, because I pushed through and because I did, I now have this amazing and unexpected life in a city I love with beautiful friends. If I could do it, I know you can too! 

We believe in you. And please, come ask us for any advice or encouragement at anytime! I hope this helped to point you in the right direction!  

xxxx Candice