#my hips have been hurting so much lately ima scream

[conivolos]

can my body just chill. please.

[stripper-patrick]

China Love 🎎Andy Barber

Part 1

Part 2

Warnings: smut, language, daddy kink, straight up nastiness, dom!Andy, angst, protected, this is a 2 parter

Ima try my best to do a 3rd person POV

Tags: @rebellious-desires @mrsbanreswillseeyou @eclecticblkgirl @designerwriterchic @bvssmob

Relationship: Andy Barber x black plus sized reader

~Andy’s POV~

2:46am and all I can think about is her moans and how good I made her feel. Her smile when I walk into the room, how strong she is, especially strong-minded. Laurie stirs in her sleep resting her arm on my chest and that’s when I look at her. I don’t find the same love I had for her before Y/N. It’s not to say I don’t love her as a person. I do dearly and I love her as the mother of my child but I don’t love her as my wife anymore.

I sigh closing my eyes finally drifting to sleep not wanting to think anymore.

...

Y/N has been avoiding me for about 3 weeks and I can’t help but feel bad. The truth is I don’t know how to tell her I want her. That night is all I can think about. I’ve been so stressed out these last few weeks because my son might be a suspect in a murder case. That’s really been weighing on my shoulders especially since I’ve been kicked off the case. Laurie has been growing cold against me and I think she believes our son did it. There’s no way he did it. And I’m scared to ask just in case she thinks I’m trying to accuse her. I just need to know we’re on the same page as a family.

I’m sitting at my desk when I’ve finally had enough. I press the button for my assistant and she walks in with a smile “hey Lynn can you bring Y/N in here to me please?”

“Yes sir” she leaves and I take a deep breath standing up. I watch out of the glass as Y/N pushes her chair out and walks with Lynn. She opens the door and sees me folding her arms. Flashbacks hit me hard and next thing I know I’m having to shield my boner. She looks so gotdamn good with her beautiful mahogany hair placed into a neat puff on top of her head, her shapely body concealed into a short tight floral skirt and an olive green top with nude sandals with gems on them. Maybe it’s because I was drunk but I’m just noticing the tattoo on the inside of her wrist that says ‘breathe’ in intricate letters

“You wanted to see me” she doesn’t even make direct eye contact with me. I nod towards the seat and she shuts the door and sits down. I lean on the front of my table watching her cross her legs and move back.

“Can I ask why you’ve been avoiding me? And don’t lie”

“Because I feel absolutely terrible about what your wife will say when she finds out you fucked your intern and further more I don’t wanna be fired for fraternizing with my bosses boss” she cuts right the the chase

“Understandable but you won’t get fired” I reassure her

“Andy I already have people that don’t like me in this office and I don’t need our business getting out and I’m scared”

“Don’t be Y/N but if you wanna stop I completely understand” I nod “I just want the old us back” I’m referring to how much we used to be. Like 2 peas in a pod. Bound at the hip. Going from best friends to not even speaking is different for us.

She stares at me with her big daunting brown eyes “I bought you a coffee it might be a lil cold but you’ll be ok” I chuckle dropping my head while she stands up to get it. Honestly I don’t wanna stop what we’re doing because I can’t get enough of her but if that’s what she wants then I won’t argue it.

Y/N comes back with the coffee in her hand and hands it to me. “Have you talked to

Laurie about it yet?” She cross her arms looking at me and it’s just something about her stance that makes me wanna place her over my knee and smack her ass red. Laurie never really enjoyed when I spanked her or pulled her hair or even choked her.

“Absolutely not” I take a sip of the lukewarm coffee. She nods in approval.

“Well back to my never ending paperwork to file”

“Just do these for me and fill this out and have it back to me by the end of the day” I watch as YN scans the paper I gave her skipping the other papers. “This is an official hiring worksheet” she states as a matter of factly.

“I’m aware”

“You wanna hire me?”

“Yea and plus you’ll make more money that what you’re making now as an intern so fill it out and you’ve got it” I smile. She bites her lip and I know she said we should stop but I could fill that pretty pussy one more time.

“Thanks” she smiles. I watch her walk away before taking a deep breath. I sit back behind my desk and continue working.

....

Another late night at the office. I sigh rubbing my hands over my face. I look out and see Y/N coming in here. I believe it’s only me and her in here. I watch as a tall man stand up and walk to her. It’s Neal. He slams papers on her desk startling her yelling throughout the office.

“You dumbass bitch. You filed the wrong fucking stack” she stands up in protest. Anger fills me half way and I’m about to slap the dog shit out of him for talking to her like that.

“Don’t you ever in your gotdamn life say some bullshit like that Neal. I’ve dealt with your shit long enough. That stack was getting filed regardless right? Ard then chill out with the fuck shit” there’s her Baltimore accent. He rises above her with intimidating power and I stand up jogging to the door. Anger washes over me as I swing the door open and stomp towards the pair. I didn’t even notice the shocked scared expression painted on Y/N’s face. I grab Neal by the collar seething like a rabid animal. Without saying a word to him I give him a death glare as a warning.

“Andy” Y/N peeps out. Neal cracks a smile and I press him against the wall watching the humor drain from his face replaced with sheer terror.

“You think this is a joke? Do you?” I scream

“Andy” Y/N screams louder and I come to my senses. I let him go watching him scramble to gather his things leaning collectively. I let out a deep sigh and she’s comes to my aid rubbing my shoulder “calm down I’m ok he didn’t hurt me”

“He wouldn’t have gotten the chance” I take a deep breath

...

It’s been a few weeks since the ordeal and unfortunately after that I was let off my sons case. To make matters worse me and Laurie got into an argument that I’m sure puts us close to the brink of separation. I believe that she thinks Jacob murdered Ben and she won’t admit to it and keeps trying to switch the narrative.

I’m sitting on the couch drinking a beer at 10:30 at night when I get a call. It’s Y/N.

“Hey Y/N” I swig the last of my beer

“Hey Andy are you busy?” She asks. She sounds nervous

“No why?” I ask smiling at the sweet sound of her voice

“Can you come by the office I have something for you”

“Y/N you know they’re gonna lose their shit if they see me in there especially after hours”

“Please it’ll be worth it” she pleads. I can already envision her bottom lip puckered out and her arms crossed. I sigh standing up stretching my back

“I’ll be there soon”

“Yay” she perks up and I laugh hanging up. I grab my coat and hear the footsteps of my basically estranged wife approaching.

“Where are you going? It’s 11:30”

“To handle some business at work” I lie. I’m not even sure what Y/N is up to. If it’s what I think it is then of course Laurie can’t know.

“I thought you were kicked off the case”

“Just some important files I forgot to log into the system. No big deal” I pull on my coat placing my hood on my head and exit swiftly. The heavy rain patters hard on the concrete splashing upward with each step I take toward the car.

I get in and press the start button watching Laurie observe me through the curtain. I reverse out of the driveway pulling off into the night.

....

I open the doors and see YN standing there with a trench coat and some heels on and a bottle of champagne. She doesn’t notice my movements as she smoothes out the wrinkles in her coat trying to perfect herself. She doesn’t realize she’s already perfect.

“To what do I owe this dubious pleasure Ms. YLN?” I inquire placing my hands on my pocket and leaning on the door frame. Her smile is bright when our eyes lock.

“Well I have made a change of my mind on something” I walk towards her where she sits me down in the chair standing before me. My heart is racing and my dick is starting to get hard.

“I bought the champagne just in case you need some extra convincing” she laughs. YN opens her coat dropping it on the floor revealing a beautiful 2 piece LINGERIE set. Her body compliments the piece beautifully and that’s when I really take her in. Not just for her sex appeal but for her in general. She kisses me leaning down and straddling my waist where I hold her hips and grab a handful of what’s really mine.

<3rd Person POV>

Andy can’t help but moan as YN grinds down on his thick throbbing boner just waiting to be released from its shackles. Her dominant side takes over and she grabs his face planting an open mouth kiss on his neck. She works on his pants getting on her knees. Mouth salivating as his dick finally springs free. She wraps her acrylic nails around the base swirling her top around collecting the precum.

Andy sinks in the chair ravishing in her skills. He presses her hair out of the way watching the way her pretty brown eyes stare back at him while she sucks and slurps her way to his soul. His head falls back guiding his hips into the back of her throat never breaking rhythm. She pulls his penis out of her mouth rubbing her thumb and palm over the tip while she takes one of his balls in his mouth. A loud moan escapes his lips. Andy has never experienced this before. Not this detailed to say the least.

All the while he’s receiving glorious pleasure, Laurie is home rocking and sobbing on the shower floor. She’s come to the conclusion that her husband doesn’t love her anymore and than her son is a murderer. While one of those is true she can’t help but feel rage and insanity boil within her.

Laurie collects herself and dries off grabbing a pair of jeans and a a shirt. She places her wet hair up letting it air dry. Her long legs stride to her sons room where he’d playing his game but pauses it and looks at her “are you ok mom?” Jacob asks

“Come with me honey we’re gonna go for a ride” before he can respond Laurie leaves the room going downstairs grabbing her shoes. She’s out of her mind. It’s like she’s watching herself complete this indescribable action and she can’t stop it. But she knows deep down in her heart Jacob murdered this boy and she can’t live her life knowing her son is a murderer.

Andy pulls YN up by the neck dragging his tongue along the bottom of her mouth holding her captive in his spell once again. He pulls her panties off collecting her wetness through his fingers. She’s more than ready. Andy pulls YN down on top of his dick watching her gasp as he fills her up.

“Feel that?” He rasps “that’s all yours”

“It’s mine. You’re mine” she utters rocking and swirling her hips electrifying her heated body. Her hands grip the arm rests of the chair as Andy starts pumping up into her.

Her sweet moans. Andy could listen to her moans all day. Laurie was never loud or pornographic like this. Not by a long shot. He watches her ass bounce on his lap as she licks and nips as his ear. The clapping and slushing sounds of their juices makes music to YN’s ears.

“My dirty little slut so fucking wet for me”

Meanwhile Laurie has just downed her second glass of bourbon while waiting for Jacob to approach. She places her glass in the sink when she hears his footsteps.

“Mom where are we going?” The young boy asks watching his mother look so far gone it looks like it’ll take her aged to return.

“Just for a drive” is all she says before she grabs the car keys walking past him and to the car. Jacob shuts and locks the door placing his hand on the car door and instantly gets this gut wrenching feeling that he needs to stay home.

“Maybe I should stay?” He asks

“Nonsense just get in” she starts the engine and Jacob takes a deep breath getting in the passenger seat. He grabs and locks his seatbelt as Laurie pulls out of the driveway pulling off. She takes an unfamiliar road of what looks like dark road. The sound of the rain was always Jacobs favorite. Only this time it dreaded him even more. The rain was heavy, loud, and unforgiving to any car that would step forth on the slippery slope with a daring intention to overcome it.

“Jacob I’m going to ask you one question and I need you to answer honestly” oh no. Jacob knew this question all too well “did you kill Ben?”

“Mom I already told you no” that wasn’t the answer Laurie had damn near given up her marriage for and she knew it wasn’t the truth. She just couldn’t shake this feeling that he was lying. Before she knows it she starts speeding up to 30 miles an hour when the speed limit is 35 but of course driving slow in this nasty weather is imperative but she didn’t care. It was imperative for Jacob to tell her the truth and she was convinced he wasn’t doing that.

“Jacob I’m being very serious tell me the truth”

“I am mom slow down” he pleads with her trying to understand why he isn’t believing her. Her foot presses on the gas even more going 45 miles an hour He goes on his Apple Watch sending a quick text to his father praying to God he answers immediately.

Andy’s wrist buzzes but he doesn’t even bother looking at it as YN whimpers his name. Her hands shake as they try to find something to grab onto. Andy grabs her arms wrapping them behind her back as he holds her waist down thrusting upward hitting her sensitive g-spot making she cries out and squeeze his thick hands. The black hole soon to swallow the two up at the same time.

By this time Laurie is screaming at Jacob and has reached 70 miles an hour down the long road. Jacob pull on his seatbelt which locked for his protection. “Jacob I know you did. Your father may believe your lies but I don’t. You’re just like him. He lies to me and says he’s doing work and I just know he’s screwing someone else” Laurie is fed up. Tears pool both of their faces. Hers in despair and Jacobs in fear. She reaches 90. Jacob has been trying to call Andy and to no avail, no answer. He’s weighed all the possible outcomes of throwing himself out the car but with his locked seatbelt it won’t work.

“Jacob tell me the truth” before he can answer she presses on the gas going to 100. His chest is tight and Jacob has a feeling he’s going to die.

YN’s legs shake as Andy keeps drilling into her relentlessly wanting to make the biggest mess of her. “Neal can’t have you. No one can have you your mine. Fuck this tight pussy is gonna make me fill you up”

“Andy I’m gonna cum”

“Cum for me darling” As the pair reach their climax grasping onto each other for dear life Laurie reaches hers screaming at Jacob continuing to incline the accelerator as he continues calling his father on his apple watch. The teary eyed boy sees that the speedometer has reached 104 Mph and all attempts to try to stop his manic mother have faded. He silently prays as she yells one final statement “I know you did it”

Andy clutches YN’s quaking body as she whines taking the thrusts of his dick with no other option. The duo moans out loudly just as Laurie and Jacob scream before black consumes the both of them. She crashed the car head first into the side of a brick tunnel.

YN looks at Andy who has a small smile on his face. His hands unwrap from her lower back where he held her in place and she looks at his Apple Watch seeing the 7 missed calls from Jacob and one text reading: “mom losing shit”. YN glances at the time displaying 1:22am. Why is Jacob awake and why did he call 7 times.

“Andy you need to go. Jacob called you 7 times” his eyes go wide as the brown skinned mistress pulls herself off of his deflating member as he tries calling Jacob back. It goes straight to voicemail. Andy can’t think of anything but the worst.

[benditlikepress]

no man is an island

what started out as a heartfelt attempt to write something coherent and meaningful turned into 9000 words of completely unedited mess because I cried a minimum of 17 times while writing it

would recommend reading on ao3 due to length, kudos and comments are always appreciated <3

@coffeedepablo @saraluvstiva @slouchingprovocatively @wanna-be-bold idk anyone else who might wanna read!!

Wednesday 8th June 2016. Cairo.

 Ziva had her second panic attack at the terminal waiting for her flight.

It was the first one she actually recognised as a panic attack, though, rather than an impending sign of death or the psychotic break she had probably been dodging for years.

Perhaps it was the loneliness she felt. Perhaps it was the very real possibility Tony wouldn't show up. Perhaps it was memories of the last time she saw Tony in Africa, almost 10 years ago. Perhaps it was even thoughts of the other Tali; the one who would come with her to the opera house and stare up at the lights with such joy and freedom in her eyes. Ziva had her head in her hands as she tried to steady her breathing and a young woman had knelt in front of her to check if she was OK, but she was dismissed with a grateful but stern voice.

Ever since she woke up she hadn’t been able to shake the fear that this was the wrong thing to do. That no matter how many precautions she’d taken, she’d be putting Tony and Tali in danger just by seeing them. The thoughts followed her through her flight, on the bus journey, down streets and alleys, only getting louder. But this was the only way. Tony was going to have found her, one way or another. Best to be one step ahead.

Maybe she had only realised recently just how well she knew him, but there was no doubt in her mind he would come. Just as he thought he knew her all those years ago when he tracked her across the world to Beersheba. He would go there, she was sure of it. Even if he was furious with her, even if he hated her, he would still find out for himself whether she was alive or dead.

And so she used the one thing only they in this world shared, and she had written a letter and buried it in the box in the grove where they had placed her 'I Will' list, marked with a small white stone. If she knew him like she thought she did, he would find it. And he would find her.

She'd written more in the letter than simply a list of dates and locations from which he could pick a meeting place. She'd written three pages of things she thought she'd struggle to say out loud. Apologies probably took up two of them by themselves.  

While she was sure he would go there, she didn't know if what he read would be enough to convince him to follow her wishes. She waited each day after Adam took Tali away, and on the 8th day she had got her answer.

"Cairo. We're OK." was all the message to her burn phone said. Ziva checked her diary - the date she had given Tony for Cairo was the upcoming Wednesday, in a hotel she had found online. She called immediately and booked a room under the name Sophie Ranier, and then she got a bus out of the city and dropped the phone in a garbage can on the side of a nondescript street, covering it with newspaper.

She had got into Cairo that morning via a flight that landed in Aswan, a long and distracted mixed-method route paid in cash seeming safer than a short direct flight. Adam arrived via Alexandria; Ziva had asked if he could get to the hotel and stay for the duration of Tony and Tali’s stay, just in case.

She had rented a family room, not really thinking, and it had 3 beds – a double, a single opposite it, and a second single which was tucked away awkwardly behind a partition wall. Ziva paced the room now wringing her hands, walking between the beds, until she couldn’t stand it any longer and pulled the desk chair across the room to the window.

She couldn’t quite see out of the window when sat on the chair so she sat on her knees, elevated a little, and looked out onto the street below.

Hours passed. She didn’t move an inch, aside from getting up for a glass of water after about 2 hours to calm her nerves. It reminded her in a strange way of a stakeout, a bygone activity from a job that seemed like a lifetime ago.

It was late afternoon when she spotted them. She saw them coming from a mile away; a magnetic pull of her eyes towards a man in light trousers and sunglasses carrying a small girl on his hip and a duffel bag over his other shoulder.

She watched them cross the street, and for a second it was like they were moving in slow-motion. This already felt like a bad idea, but seeing them come towards her it took every ounce of strength Ziva had not to open the window and scream at them to run, leave, get as far away from her as possible.

Reception were under instructions to ring her to check the identity of anyone who came to visit her, and even though Ziva had watched until they entered the building via the entrance below the window she somehow still jumped when the phone rang.

The receptionist told her that her husband was here. She didn’t correct him.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Ziva considered it a victory that she didn’t find herself close to another panic attack while she waited the painstaking few minutes for them to get up the stairs. When the door knocked loudly, she was already waiting beside it.

She opened it quickly and barely gave the two of them a glance before she grabbed her daughter’s face, kissing her and hugging her. Tony struggled to put her down on the ground as she did, and Ziva bent down to meet Tali halfway so she could look at her properly. She was wearing a flowery t-shirt Ziva didn’t recognise, and her cheeks were pink from the heat.

“I missed you so much, Tali.” She kissed her again and felt Tali grin into her cheek as she pulled back, her hands tugging playfully at Ziva’s hair.

“Can we come in?”

Tony’s voice shook a fraction as he spoke, and the sound was so familiar that it was almost muscle memory that made Ziva rise back to her feet to look at him. She didn’t really give herself a chance to, though, before she pulled him tightly towards her.

She had expected it to be a little awkward, and maybe it was, but it was apprehensive and nervous rather than disconnected or angry. Tony’s hand instinctively found the back of Ziva’s head and she squeezed his shoulder tightly, moving her head away from his chest look him in the eye. He looked older. More mature. Exhausted. His hair was longer, almost tucked behind his ears, and he had the tan of someone who had once again spent his summer crossing the world looking for her. She pressed the pad of her thumb to his lips, a promise of conversations that needed to come, and he nodded slightly as though he understood before she turned her attention back to Tali.

"Thank you so much for bringing her." Ziva spoke too quickly as she leaned down to gather her in her arms and brought her inside the room, cradling her to her chest in the same way she had done when she had last seen her. She whispered to her quietly, apologies and love and the girl looked at her curiously.

"It's ok, but.. hey," Tony raised his voice a fraction to tear Ziva's attention away from her mutterings. A concerned hand made it’s way to her jaw. "Are you OK?"

"I am fine. Thank you for bringing her." Ziva repeated. "You did not have to."

"Of course I had to. I needed to see you for myself. Plus.. she's your daughter, Ziva."

There was disbelief in Tony's voice as he spoke, as though he was still trying to get his head round the concept. Ziva caught his eye and there was a brief second of silence as though he’d said something shocking.

“My back is on fire,” Tony eventually launched into a too-casual conversation as he dumped his bag onto the floor and looked around the sparse room. "I accidentally left her stroller in the lobby of Mossad headquarters. Don't ask. I think it's going to get mailed to me with a severed torso inside."

"Why were you at Mossad?"

"Apparently some kind of bat signal is alarmed when I cross the Israeli border. Cute, huh?" Tali began tugging at Tony's sleeve for his attention. He brought a hand to her chin. "Ima will play, honey. Abba's back is hurting."

Tony had always been one for pet names, but hearing how naturally they spilled from his lips towards their daughter was something else entirely. Ziva realised she was still stood in the centre of the previously-silent room, watching the two of them drop items and talk at her like a hurricane had just hit.

She sat on the edge of the closest bed and Tali immediately put her hands and arms on her knees, clambering to get onto her. Ziva lowered her own arms to get a hold of her and pull her upwards, settling her down on her lap. She cupped her daughter’s face again, wondering if she really had grown up in the last few weeks or if it was just her imagination.

Tali grabbed for Ziva's necklace - a comforting motion she did often. Ziva's eyes were drawn to the gold around Tali's own neck. She looked up at Tony and he looked embarrassed for a brief second.

"You kept hold of this?"

"Did you think I would throw it away?"

Ziva wasn't sure what to say to that - the weight of the implications in the things that weren't being said. She turned the Star of David over in her fingers a couple of times.

"What's going on, Ziva?" Tony broke the silence first, and there was a sigh in his voice that could've made her smile if it was in a less ridiculous circumstance.

"Honestly, I am not quite sure yet. There is a woman who is after me. Really after me. She is not going to stop. I do not know how I know her or what I have done to her, but that is what I am trying to find out. She does not know about Tali - she does not know about any of this, which is why the best place for her to be is safe with you far away from me, and for everyone else to think I am dead."

Tony took her words in for a moment, exhaling loudly.

"Have you talked to Gibbs?"

"No, and you cannot call him. I do not want anyone else putting themselves in harm's way over this."

"Who knows you're alive?"

"Adam, a woman called Odette, and you. Nobody else. Adam and Odette are helping to keep me safe. I had to tell you because.. I knew you were going to come and find me. The safest way for that to happen was for me to arrange a day to meet with you. I could not bear the thought of the two of you not knowing the truth." Ziva played with the hem of Tali's shirt as she spoke. She was in her own world, talking to herself happily.

Tony eventually offered a "Thanks. For telling me." but it seemed ludicrous and his voice faded a little as he spoke. "I don’t like lying to them, but I won't tell anyone if you don't want me to."

"If I thought there was any other way, I would not ask you to. Is Gibbs looking for me?” Ziva’s voice was steady and perhaps even a little hopeful, in spite of the fact that it was simply another thing to worry about.

The sadness that briefly crossed Tony’s face was not how he expected him to react. “I don’t know. I haven’t spoken to him since I left, actually.”

“Do you think he will? I need to know what to expect. He could be in danger.”

“I think you’re ok, Ziva.” He said her name quietly, and the little furrow in his brow made her realise he was worried it would upset her. She took a breath.

“That is for the best.”

“I’m sure if he knew..”

“He doesn’t. So it does not matter.” Ziva shut down the conversation before they could get into it. He believed she was dead. That was that.

“Down, ima.” Tali’s voice recaptured Ziva’s attention, and she was straining from Ziva’s lap to get back onto the floor. Ziva dropped her down and Tali made a beeline for Tony’s duffel bag. She moved a few pieces of clothing around in there haphazardly until she emerged victorious with Kelev in her hand and sat down on the floor at Ziva’s feet.

“It is her birthday on Sunday.”

“I know. It was the first thing I checked, knew it would be coming up. Is that why you wanted to come to Cairo now? Like you did for your sister?”

Ziva nodded slightly, and maybe it should’ve surprised her more that he would remember something like that. It didn’t, though. She stopped being surprised by his thoughtfulness a long time ago.

“Have you brought her presents?”

“Not yet. Senior has bought the entire department store. I haven’t had the chance, I’ve barely had time to think.” He exhaled.

“How are you?” Ziva asked anxiously, not sure she actually wanted to know the answer.

“I don't know what the hell I'm doing." Tony eventually responded, and when he laughed sarcastically Ziva heard a wetness that made a lump form in her own throat. “I left her stroller at Mossad headquarters, who does that?”

"No parent knows what they are doing at first."

"Yeah, but most parents have a baby and another parent. I've suddenly got a toddler and I've never spent more than a few hours around a kid since I was one myself." Ziva stayed quiet as Tony continued talking, words spilling out as though he’d been holding onto them for weeks. "An hour will pass that will be fine and I'll feel like I'm getting the hang of it. Then a switch flips and she's crying and I'm crying and I'm calling Jimmy Palmer in the middle of the night DC-time asking him how you get kids to eat food."

She couldn’t help but fidget then, guilt and anxiety and self-loathing creating a mix that made her feel like she was about to throw up. Her eyes flitted around the room and she tried to block out the voices in her head, refocusing on Tony’s.

“Senior’s been great, though, if you’d believe that. I’ve decided not to be resentful about it.”

“Maybe it is his way of making up for his past mistakes. It is difficult to be vulnerable about something like that, maybe he wants to show that he is sorry.”

Ziva felt Tony’s eyes burning into her crown as she bent her head down towards Tali on the floor, talking in jumbled sentences about an adventure Kelev was on and hopping him along the carpet. She ran her fingers through Tali’s hair and bent her lips to the top of her head, kissing her and smelling her as though it had been years rather than weeks.

“Yeah.” Ziva still didn’t look at Tony, but his eyes tracked hers down to Tali. “I didn’t realise it was such a short flight. She didn’t sleep at all.”

“Did you come straight from Israel?”

“We stayed there for a little while. I’d bookmarked Cairo on your little itinerary.”

"You cannot stay here. You know that, yes?"

"I know."

She wasn’t sure if he could tell how close she was to falling to apart.

"You need to book the next flight home."

"Paris."

"Sorry?"

"Paris is home now. I've rented an apartment. Just.. so you know where we are."

“You really left for good?”

“It’s just a job.”

Hearing those words from Tony was like a slap in the face. He made it sound so simple. Didn’t seem to understand the impact they had as he pulled his phone from his pocket to look up flight tickets.

For as long as Ziva had known him, his job was everything to him. It was all he had going for him a lot of the time, though Tony was never one to have admitted he was lonely. The idea that he could drop his career like that, drop everything like that, for Tali? She'd been afraid he would do that when she was pregnant, and he'd resent her from pulling him away from what she thought was his home. That his job was his life's purpose. It was obvious now that she hadn't been thinking clearly. She knew him better than that.

His brow was furrowed as he typed on his phone.

"Next flight is 1:55am direct to Paris."

"That will have to do."

Tony nodded, his lips in a tight line as he began to type again. Ziva watched his expression, mostly unreadable, but when Tony's face was unreadable that meant something in itself.

"I'm so sorry for dragging you into this, Tony."

He looked up from his phone after a moment. "This is for mine and Tali's safety, right?"

"Yes."

"Then there's nothing to apologise for."

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Surface-level conversations and brief attempts to capture each other’s eyelines followed after Tony confirmed the flight for take-off in several hours’ time. Ziva tried to steady herself. Tony smiled as Tali presented toys to them.

"Ima.. knee." Tali suddenly tugged at the bottom of her leggings.

"Oh yeah," Tony fumbled in his pocket. "She, uh, fell over outside the airport. I stopped to buy some band-aids."

"She hates band-aids. She'll never wear them." Ziva said as she rolled up Tali's leggings. Her knee was grazed, little flecks of blood still present. "Oh no, Tali. Did you hurt yourself?" The girl nodded solemnly, looking down at her leg. “Get a wipe to clean it.” Ziva directed at Tony, but when she looked back at him he was already in his bag retrieving one.

Ziva wiped the cut slowly, making soothing noises as Tali fidgeted and whined.

"Let's see," Tony turned the band-aid in his hand. "Do you have a knife or anything on you?"

The knife she produced from the holster at her waist had jagged edges and a harsh end.

"I don't think that's gonna work."

"Adam is next door, shall I get him?”

"No, it's ok. You stay here, I'll go to the front desk."

Tony began to walk towards the door but a wave of anxiety hit Ziva and she stepped after him, grabbing his arm. He turned at the action, her grip tight on his shirt, and looked at her pleading expression.

"Call down and ask them to bring some up."

Tony looked at her for a long moment, and presumably he could sense the anxiety surrounding her because he didn’t make any effort to argue, dropping his arm as she released his shirt slowly and walking to the phone on the table by the bed. He picked it up and brought the receiver to his ear, before smiling.

"Uh, what's Arabic for scissors?" Tony asked sheepishly, and even though Ziva was sure the receptionist would speak English the smile on his face made her feel 50 pounds lighter. She took the phone from him and asked for a pair of scissors, and the receptionist told her they would be with her momentarily.

“Why do you need scissors?” Ziva asked as an afterthought, realising she hadn’t questioned whatever it was Tony was thinking of.

“Aha,” was his only reply, though he aimed it more at Tali than her and Ziva watched as he poked her on the end of her nose.

Tali climbed back onto Ziva’s lap as they waited, feeling sorry for herself. Ziva rocked her a little, remembering when she was a baby and she’d walk her around the house for hours holding her in her arms trying to get her to sleep.

Tony answered the door (though Ziva would rather have done so herself), and when he came back towards the bed with the scissors he picked up the band-aid and turned his back to them.

"Here, Tali. Look what I have."

Tony held something up in his hands, and Ziva strained her eyes to see what it was. He had used the scissors to carefully cut the band-aid into the shape of a heart. "I have a special sticker for you! Cool, huh? And when you put it on your knee it makes it all better, like magic." He took the paper sealant off the band-aid and lifted the outside to his lips, making a dramatic noise as he kissed it. He held it out in front of Ziva and she copied him in a slight daze, watching as he then placed the band-aid onto Tali’s knee.

Tali didn’t seem to have an adverse reaction but Ziva was fully distracted now, watching Tony’s animated face as he smiled at her daughter. At their daughter, who he hadn’t even known existed until a couple of weeks ago. She’d never seen the light shining in his eyes like it was now; natural and instinctive and innocent. Was it possible to love someone that much so quickly?

Tony’s head eventually lifted upwards to Ziva, and he looked at the watery expression in her eyes with a slight frown. “What?”

“You should stop giving yourself a hard time.”

Tony looked back down at Tali and at the precisely cut heart shape now stuck atop her knee.  “It’s nothing.”

“It is not nothing, Tony. I have never once got her to keep a band-aid on.”

“Well, I could’ve taught you.” It was said easily but both of them felt the force as the words hit. “I didn’t mean it like that.” Tony immediately conceded, with a shake of the head.

“I know.” Ziva resisted the urge to allow shutters to come up, ignoring the voices in her head.

"Listen, can we talk? There's some stuff that needs to be said, but.." Tony looked apologetically at Tali, sat on Ziva's lap still admiring the 'special sticker' on her knee.

“She should sleep before you take her back on the plane.”

They managed to get Tali onto the bed behind the partition wall, figuring it might provide a slight noise barrier.

It didn’t take long for her to fall asleep in the end, the excitement and travelling of the day so far catching up with her. She lay curled on her side with Kelev towards her chest. Tony stood up first, watching as Ziva stroked her hair out of her face a few times.

“C’mon, don’t want her to wake up again.” Tony placed his hands lightly on the top of Ziva’s back between her shoulders as he spoke.

She stood up, trying not to feel anxiety rise again as they walked out of the alcove the bed was in and back into the main area of the room.

“If we talk quietly, we should be ok.”

“She’s a heavy sleeper. Not like her mom.”

The word hung between them. Ziva sat back down on the chair she had pulled up to the window earlier. After a second of hesitation, Tony perched himself on the edge of the double bed, facing her.

"So what's Adam's deal? Is he hired help now or what? Bodyguard?"

"No. He is just helping me out. I asked him to stay here today for you and Tali; to keep you safe."

"I called him, y'know. He told me he was in Brussels, hadn't spoke to you in years."

"I hope you understand why he said it now."

"I get it." Tony nodded, his voice quiet and sincere.

"I know that you and Adam have not exactly been best friends, but I understand he helped you a lot that summer." That summer. "And I hope that is enough for you to see that he can be trusted. I can count on one hand the amount of people on this earth I can say I truly trust, and the two of you make the cut."

"If you trust him, I trust him."

Conversation died down again. Tony sighed. Ziva looked around the room, casting a glance at what she could see of the hazy summer sky. He cleared his throat and she turned her head back like it was a cue, but he stayed silent. Their eyes locked and they exchanged a small smile.

"You grew your hair out." Ziva said eventually, and clearly it wasn't what Tony was expecting because it took him a second to reply.

"Yeah, I did." He tucked one of the strands behind his ear. Ziva could see how it was slightly unkempt at the sides - like he'd been doing that a lot recently.

Ziva had cut all of her own hair off a week before finding out she was pregnant. She had wondered at the time if it made her look different, or if Tony would laugh at her for thinking it would. For a brief second she had considered sending him a photo, but that idea died as quickly as it formed.

It had grown back now – another stark reminder of how long it had been since they’d been like this. Able to look each other in the eye, breathe the same air, say the things they really wanted to say.

"So, uh," Tony began, hesitant. "Funny thing happened to me recently. I found out we have  daughter.”

"That is funny." Ziva dared to joke, though she knew it was on thin ice. It landed, though, and Tony actually tipped his head back and laughed as though Tali wasn't asleep a few steps away. "I think we could talk around it all night if we do not confront the issue."

"You're right."

"In the interests of disclosure, I have seen a little of you together. Photographs. When you took her to the park when she first went to you."

"Should've known I was being watched."

"She loves the park."

"That's what I figured. Kids love the park, right? I've taken her to a different one every day, pretty much."

"I am sure she loves that. She seems happy."

"I think she is, mostly. She has tantrums but so do all kids. She's started calling out for me during the night which is taking a little getting used to."

Ziva cast the comment aside immediately, refusing to acknowledge who she might have been calling out to before. "She recognised you?"

"Yeah. I wasn't sure if she was just along for the ride at first, but I found the picture from Paris and she pointed me out."

The six years that had passed since that trip were so storied it was hard to believe it had happened to the same people. Memories of Tony's hands round her waist and his breath in her ear fluttered through her mind.

"I told her about you. Everything I could. I wanted her to be able to recognise you and see herself in you from the first time you met. And when she got older I did not want her to have any reason to resent or blame you for not being in her life from the start."

"You always wanted us to meet?"

"Of course I did." Maybe Ziva's voice was a little disbelieving that he would think that, though why wouldn't he?

"Then.." Tony stopped himself. Since he had arrived it was clear he was fighting his kneejerk reactions to try and pose his thoughts in a more productive way. Ziva wished he wouldn't. Wished he would lash out at her, shout and scream like she deserved. “I’m just trying to understand.”

“Did you read the letter?”

“Yeah.”

“All of it?”

“Yeah, I did.” Tony paused like he was expecting another question, but Ziva was waiting for him to talk. “I..” He began, stopping again immediately. “I don’t know where to start.” Ziva nodded, and she felt guilty at the tears she could feel stinging in her eyes. She’d cried more in the past three weeks than she thought she had in her lifetime. “I wish I could somehow show you it from my perspective because that would be easier than me trying to explain what’s been going through my head the last few weeks. The last few years. It’s like everything I thought I was sure of has just been flipped upside down. Hey, I don’t want to upset you..” Tony seemed concerned now as Ziva wiped her eyes and shook her head. “I really just want to get my head around all of this.”

“I know. I am sorry. It is not fair of me to be upset about this.”

“Don’t apologise, feelings aren’t about fairness.” Tony dismissed her quickly, in that no-nonsense way he always did.

“I wish there was a way I could explain it that would make sense, but I do not think I can do that even to myself.”

“You said in your letter you were punishing yourself.”

“I think so. I think I took out my own.. self-pity, on Tali. I did not think I deserved you, and so when I found out I was pregnant I could not bring myself to call you. You had gone back to your life and I thought I would ruin that for you the way I thought I ruined everyone else’s. The longer time went on, the harder it became. I convinced myself you would hate me when you found out, more every day, and you would have been within your rights to be furious that I could keep your child from you. It was selfish of me to put myself above her. That is the best explanation I can give. I was scared, and I was wrong. Wrong about a lot of things.”

Tony nodded slowly. He ran his bottom teeth over his top lip.

“It is ok if it takes you some time. I realise dumping all of this on you does not exactly make it easy to process.”

“No.” Tony chuckled, running a hand through his hair. “I think it’ll take me some time, you’re right. I know you wrote that I should destroy the letter, but can I keep hold of it for a little while?” Ziva hesitated, and Tony watched her eyes dart to where he had tapped his pocket. “Just a couple of days so I can read it a few more times.”

“A few more days.”

Tony kicked his legs out so they were stretched out in front of him. If she wanted, Ziva could have touched them with her own.

“She looks just like you.” It was almost a comment to himself, Ziva thought, spoken down at his shoes on the carpet. He smiled.

“Maybe. Her personality is all you. Ever since she started to move around and talk, it is like there are two of you.”

Ziva’s smile was brighter than Tony’s, nostalgic, and he didn’t meet her eyes until she stopped talking. Common ground passed between them.

“I don’t want us to just sit here in silence while I try and process all of this. I’ll have time to do that when me and Tali go home.”

Ziva checked the time. Just after 7pm – still a couple of hours before they would need to leave. “What do you want to do?”

Tony’s expression changed then, to one of too-bright friendliness. He patted the space beside him on the edge of the bed. Ziva didn’t hesitate to stand up and sit next to him, holding her hands in her lap.

“How are you?”

Ziva actually scoffed at the question in spite of herself. If only he knew. “It is probably not the best time to ask me that question.”

“Right. Um..” Tony looked across the room with his eyes squinted for effect. “Y’know, I’m kinda drawing a blank here.”

“Difficult to know where to start.”

“Yeah, you can say that again.” Their eyes met and both of them smiled, even a little shyly. “3 years, huh?”

“I did not ever think we would go this long without talking.”

“Even when you left?”

“I suppose I was not thinking that far ahead. I am sure it will not surprise you that I was flying by the seat of my hands trying to start again.” Tony’s face broke into a bright smile and he shook his head, lifting a hand and running his fingers over his forehead. “What?”

“Nothing.” Tony cleared his throat as his face became neutral again. “Do you still think it was the right choice?”

Ziva pondered this for a moment, as though it hadn’t been her first thought every morning and her last one before she went to sleep for large periods of the last 3 years.

“I do not regret leaving NCIS. And I certainly do not regret the time we spent together in Israel. But I regret not calling you the second I found out I was pregnant. A lot of the time, I regret leaving you at all. I think I needed some time to find clarity on that. And I don’t say this with any kind of expectation that you might..” Ziva’s words fell away when Tony placed a finger on her nervously clenched fist. She closed her eyes for a second and took a deep breath. “I do not know if it would have changed any of the things that are happening now. Maybe I would have still ended up having to send you and Tali away, I do not know. That is probably not something to dwell on.”

“I’m sorry you had to do that. I know it must’ve been difficult.”

The words would’ve seemed simply polite coming from anyone else, but for Tony to say them considering the circumstances made Ziva’s chest constrict. “After I handed her over, I had a panic attack.” It still felt strange to say out loud, but she was making a concerted effort to be as upfront with Tony as she could afford to be. He deserved that much, at least. “I have never had one before. I thought I was dying.”

“You seem a little nervous today.”

“I am.” Ziva smiled self-deprecatingly. The finger that Tony had placed on her fist became three.

“Has it been like this since Tali came to me?”

“Not always. But a lot of the time, yes.”

“I think it’s natural to worry about her. Especially with everything else’s that’s going on.”

“I wasn’t worried about her being with you.”

“No?”

“No. I was worried about her getting to you safely. About you coming looking for me and putting yourself in harm’s way. What you would think of me. When I would get to see her again. But I wasn’t worried about her being with you.”

“Why not?”

“Because I know you.” Ziva’s voice was soft and knowing and she smiled looking down at his hand where he had placed it back between them. “I know how seriously you take duty, and I know that you are loyal and caring to a fault. I trusted you. I trust you. And maybe before I trusted you because I knew you would see it as your duty, but now,” Ziva smiled. “You cut a band-aid into a heart for her. That’s not duty. She is a part of you.” She placed her hand on his chest over his heart, and he looked down at it with the slightest of smiles.

"How do you know if you're doing a good job?”

"You are doing a good job. Look at her. I could not ask for anything more. And, Tony.." Ziva implored him to look her in the eye. She grabbed his hand between hers tightly. "You will not accept thanks for taking care of your daughter, but I want to say it anyway. From the bottom of my heart. I never had a doubt about you but seeing it is something else entirely. Watching how comfortable and content she is with you.. well, it is one less thing to worry about. It is a lifetime of gratitude I will owe you."

"You're right, I can't accept it. But I'm glad it's helping." Tony squeezed Ziva's hands a little. "So you've seen photos of us?"

"Yes. Sorry if that is uncomfortable, but they have been destroyed. They were just for me."

Tony nodded, mulling over the words. For a terrifying moment he seemed to get suddenly choked up. He cleared his throat.

"I think.. I mean, if it’s safe. If you wanted to watch us sometimes, you should do that."

"Really?"

"It’ll help me too. Knowing you might be there."

The words caught in Ziva's own throat now. She raised her hand to Tony's cheek and he lowered his head a little to deepen the contact. His face looked more vulnerable than she could remember it.

"Whatever you need."

"Ziva, you know what I need."

The timing wasn’t right, but the timing was never going to be right, so she kissed him then while she still had the chance. Barely a second's hesitation between his words hitting her and her leaning in to capture his lips, and in an instant he had a hold of the sides of her face as though this was what he'd been waiting for all along.

They were comforting, and loaded, and Ziva had never felt before how peaceful it could be to kiss someone. For a second, everything in her brain stood still.

All she'd thought about since laying eyes on him again was how it would feel to touch him, to kiss him, but she'd been so desperate to hear him get things off his chest and so unsure of what to expect that she hadn't allowed herself to dare presume it would happen.

She certainly hadn't allowed herself to think about Tony's hand making its way through her hair, the little noise that came from his throat as her tongue made its way into his mouth for the first time.

“I’ve missed you so much.” Tony whispered the words against her lips and Ziva’s chest tightened. “So much.” He repeated, thumbs stroking backwards along her jaw.

Ziva resisted the urge to climb into his lap, or to push him backwards onto the bed. Not when he had to leave soon. Not with their daughter sleeping a few feet away – the reminder almost made her laugh. Her hands were behind his neck and his skin was warm from the heat, comforting her as she nibbled at his lip.

It was Tony that pulled back first, but he sighed as he did. The longer this went on, the harder it was going to be for both of them. He kept a hold of Ziva’s face and pulled it down to kiss her slowly on the forehead before letting her go.

She touched her fingertips to her bottom lip when they pulled apart, feeling the ghostly pressure against her skin.

“We should..” Tony began, looking at Ziva for a cue.

"Let's sleep for a little while. You have a long night ahead."

Tony nodded, and kicked off his shoes without hesitation. He scratched the back of his head, surprisingly self-conscious. “So uh, what about you? Where are you going next?"

"Adam is leaving when you and Tali do, which means I should be able to lie low in Cairo in a different hotel for a couple of days. It is probably best if I do not tell you where I am thinking of going after that."

"Don't trust me not to follow you?"

"I do. I think it is just easier if you know as few details as possible. For all of our sakes. I do not want you thinking about it."

"You know that isn't going to stop me."

When she kissed him this time, it felt like a message. “I know.”

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Tony sighed as he got into bed, over the covers, and Ziva remembered his back. She watched his facial expression for a moment from her position at the foot of the bed, gauging what he was feeling. He smiled a little as she walked over to the other side and climbed next to him.

If she could do anything right now, she could be there for him, and maybe in turn that could repair some of the sharp raw pain in chest. She wasn’t the only one that was struggling, but she was the only one that could make either of them right. She curled herself around him, attached at every body-part possible.

“Is this all really happening?” Tony mumbled into Ziva’s hair as he placed her head on his shoulder. She chuckled lightly.

“Go to sleep.”

“Hey,” Ziva lifted her head again to look at Tony, and he kissed her slowly. Ziva’s eyes didn’t immediately open when she pulled back, but when she did she found Tony staring at her. “I’m really trying to not make this any more difficult than it’s already going to be. If I start, I’m never going to stop. I have to leave.”

“I know.” She gave him a peck before settling her head back down on his chest. “I know. Just go to sleep.”

Every conversation between them had been a little bit frantic – too much to say in too little a time, and without the ability to filter in any other way than to just stay quiet. It was quiet now, though. Ziva felt his breathing start to steady and she tried to match her own to it. The fan on the ceiling buzzed as it turned. On the other bed, Tali stirred and mumbled in her sleep.

Tony fell asleep eventually. Ziva lay with him for a while, watching his eyelashes flutter and his mouth move and she tried to memorise his face how it was now - take in every new line, every feature that had changed since she last saw him. She drifted in and out of sleep, finding herself powerless to do anything but watch him as though he would disappear if she kept her eyes closed for too long. She ran her hands slowly through his hair in the same way she had always done to Tali when she was sleeping, slowly separating strands between her fingers over and over.

Slowly, carefully, she removed herself from around him and climbed off the bed. When she got to Tali’s bed she sat on the floor alongside it and did the same: memorising her sleeping features, running light fingers over her eyelids and nose and mouth and cheeks, counting the faint freckles on her arms. Her gaze kept catching on the Star of David around her neck, thinking about what must have been going through Tony’s mind when he gave it to her.

Tali was still but it felt like time was moving too quickly, and Ziva resisted the urge to wake her up as she stood up again and got back into bed next to Tony. He hadn’t stirred.

She lay back down on her side, head resting on her hand with her arm bent up at the elbow.

It took a long time for him to register her presence, which was unlike him. She guessed he hadn’t got much sleep in the last couple of weeks. He opened one eye and blinked a couple of times as he saw her watching over him.

“What time is it?”

“9:30.”

“How long have you been awake?”

Ziva smiled a little. “I have not been to sleep.”

“You’ve just been watching me?”

“I watched Tali for a while too.” Ziva defended half-heartedly, her voice barely above a whisper. Tony chuckled while closing his eyes, stretching his arms. He settled down again looking up at her, his eyes tired but a little pleading.

“I don’t think I can leave again, Ziva.”

“You have to.”

“I know I do. I don’t think that I can.”

Ziva sighed slowly as she stroked his cheek, being careful to take notice of how his skin felt against her fingers.

"I realise I have done nothing for a long time to earn your trust, and if you don't believe it for your own sake, please believe me for Tali's. I could not be without her for a second longer than is necessary. When I am done, I will find you."

"If you need me, you call me. We'll figure it out."

"Tony, I am not going to do that. Tali needs you."

"If you NEED me," Tony stressed, "we'll figure it out."

Ziva knew she wouldn't call him but she nodded anyway, a shared pretence neither of them bought. She leaned down and kissed him, capturing his bottom lip between hers.

“Thank you for coming. I am hoping knowing you are both alright will make this easier.”

"We'll be waiting. Both of us."

"It could be years, Tony. It could be never."

"I know that."

"I could not ask you to.."

"You're not asking me to. I'm telling you what's already a foregone conclusion in my eyes. When you get back, when you get back," he repeated, emphasis on the word, "I will still be here. We can have a... well, we probably passed second chance about 10 years ago. Whatever number chance we're on. And we can get a first chance at being a proper family, the three of us."

“I have never really been a part of one before.”

“Neither have I. We could get a dog or something.”

Ziva laughed though the sound was wet with tears, kissing him again hard and quick. His eyes were shining when she lifted her head away, an easy but thoughtful smile on his face.

“I love you.” Somehow the words were the simplest thing in the world to say at that moment, after years and years of not even being able to say them to herself.

“I love you too.”

“Sorry I could not tell you before. Sorry about everything.”

“Shh,” Tony quietened her, tucking her hair behind her ear and encouraging her to place her head back down on the crook under his arm.

They lay there for a while longer, swapping stories about Tali as Tony drew soft patterns on Ziva’s back. He had acquired a remarkable amount in such a short period of time, though Ziva’s favourite was probably the one where Tony had forgotten to strap Tali into her stroller and she had waited until he turned to shut the door to the building, hopped out of her seat, and gone running off down the road laughing at the top of her voice. The thought of the danger should have scared Ziva, but it didn’t. She was with Tony. He’d protect her.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Both of them got quietly fidgety as they watched time pass, knowing they would have to get up.

“We need to get to the airport.” Tony was the first one to break, kissing Ziva’s temple slowly.

“I wish you didn’t have to.”

“Please don’t say that. Not now.”

“Ok. Ok.” Ziva repeated the word as though to reassure herself, and as she sat up Tony’s arm stayed attached to her back. She could see Tali still fast asleep from this vantage point, and climbed down the bed towards hers.

She woke her up with whispers, and Tali wiped her eyes and looked a little dazed.

“Home?”

“Abba is taking you on a plane to go and see your new bedroom.”

“Pop?”

“Yeah, Pop’s going to be there. He’s really excited to show it to you.” Tony appeared over Ziva’s shoulder, stepping into his deck shoes.

The two of them made their way around the room quietly, packing up the things Tali had somehow scattered the room with in just a couple of hours. Ziva took her to the bathroom and caught a sight of her own reflection in the backlit mirror – the bags under her eyes, her unkempt hair. When she ran the tap to get Tali to wash her hands she splashed some of the water onto her face, rubbing it dry with her palms.

They re-entered the main room and Tony was stood near the door, hand over his eyes and head pointed down at the ground. He recovered quickly enough to plaster a smile on his face as Tali ran towards him so he could put on her shoes.

Ziva listened to them talking as she turned her back, taking a few deep breaths. When she felt like she could, she went into the plastic bag she’d left by the foot of the bed and retrieved a stuffed camel. Cheesy, but a reminder.

She placed the toy behind her back as she approached them, waiting until Tali looked up at her before revealing it and holding it out. “Happy birthday, Tali.”

Tali took the camel, delighted, and clutched it to her chest. “Thank you.” She eventually squeezed out.

“You’re welcome, my love. Make sure abba buys you everything you want, yes?”

Tali looked up at Tony, who rolled his eyes with a smile. He took a careful step back when Ziva bent down in front of Tali, holding her small hands with one of hers and running her other over Tali’s hair and cheek.

She knew more big, dramatic goodbyes would only confuse or upset her. She didn’t allow herself to cry, instead smiling as she picked up Kelev from the floor and made sure she had him and her new camel toy in either of her hands.

"Ima has to go away again Tali, OK? And I don't know how long for. But abba told me he's really excited for you two to have fun together. So you and me have to say goodbye now."

Tali leaned forward in expectation of a hug, and Ziva wrapped her arms around her so tightly she thought she might break. She whispered “I love you” into her hair in English and Hebrew, pulling away to kiss her twice and standing up again before it got any harder.

Looking Tony in the eye was harder than she expected. His head was tipped a little and he was giving her half a smile that was betrayed by the water in his eyes.

“I’ll see you soon. Ok? Soon.”

Ziva nodded fiercely, pressing their foreheads together as though she were willing it to be true. Tony raised his hands to hold her face, kissing her slowly and purposefully. Ziva breathed him in, and when he pulled away she followed him, capturing his lips twice, three times, in quick succession.

“See you soon.” She repeated, defiant. She stepped away from him before she couldn’t.

"Walk or carry, Tali?" Tony held his arms open to demonstrate his point and Tali immediately lifted her own so Tony would lift her, settling her on his hip. Ziva noticed the way he grimaced a little as he straightened his back. She picked up his bag from the floor and placed it over his other shoulder, stroking the strap until it lay flat on his shirt.

“Make sure she doesn’t drop Kelev. And remember her stroller next time.”

“I will if I ever want to walk again. Ok, give ima a kiss.” Tony tipped Tali a little towards Ziva, and Ziva grabbed Tali’s head and kissed her on the lips before adding ones on her forehead and cheek for good measure. She lifted her hands to Tony’s cheeks and kissed him again too, rubbing her thumb towards his chin.

“I love you both. Be safe.”

“We love you too. Take care of yourself. Remember, you call me if you need to.”

Ziva nodded again as Tony opened the door and stepped out into the hallway, her hands running over Tali’s arm on his shoulder and along his back until they were both out of reach. Tony knocked Adam’s door twice as they walked past – his own signal to pack up and leave.

She stood watching them as they approached the elevator, and though they were still within talking distance Tony got Tali to wave goodbye. Ziva tried to smile, taking a mental image of the two of them as they got onto the elevator.

As soon as the doors closed she went back into the silent hotel room, taking back her old position sat on her knees by the window. It took them a couple of minutes to appear. Tony’s head flicked up in the general direction of the room, and she watched as he tried to calculate the right window. She held up her palm to the glass and he caught sight of her then, smiling and raising his free hand before looking away and pressing a slow kiss to Tali’s cheek.

She watched them disappear back down the street, lit in the darkness by streetlamps and headlights, and only when they began to blur out of view did she allow the tears to fall.

[megalony]

Don’t leave me- Part 4

The next part of my new series, thank you to everyone for the feedback its much appreciated.

Thank you @rogertaylorsbitontheside for the support.

Part 1   Part 2  Part 3  Part 5

Enjoy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The night hadn't planned out in the way that any of them had expected. Each of them had thought that now they were home, sleeping would come a lot quicker and be just like before. No one accounted for any changes to their sleeping patterns or how it felt... wrong. Ben felt it first. As soon as he had entered the bedroom in order to grab his pyjama shorts he couldn't stop himself from staring at the bed, a wave of uneasiness washing over him as he felt a violent shiver run down his spine. The thought of going to sleep in their bed felt frightening because Ben knew he wouldn't be able to stop himself from waking up in fear that (Y/N) would be laid there shaking and delirious with a fever. The thought made tears well in his eyes which he had to push away. This is what they had been waiting for two weeks, all of them to finally be back home where they belonged and in the same bed. Just how it was before the torture had started, Ben needed to get rid of this feeling. (Y/N) was the one to feel it second. Politely waiting for the boys to get settled first before making herself comfy on the right side of the bed so that Ben was in the middle. The thought of laying between them was tempting but at the same time, that was when everything had gone wrong. Laying between her boys with them desperately trying to wake her up, the feeling of being out in the freezing snow came to mind and made her breathing stop momentarily. She thought that laying on the end would be different, that it would push those thoughts out of her mind and allow the three of them to enjoy the peace that came with being back home and all together. Not having one of them working late and coming home when the other two were asleep. Not having to fret about if she was ill or not and need to supply comfort. Knowing each other was fine and that they could simply fall asleep with ease and wake up late in the morning, nothing to get up for. This didn't seem to be the case, her mind couldn't allow her to fall asleep in the bed that was like heaven on the nights when she had been working late. To collapse into the bed and lay with her boys gave a euphoric feeling that she couldn't find tonight. Having to get up and leave her boys sleeping, needing to get a soothing drink to try and dull her mind enough to let her sleep.

Then there was Roger. The drummer didn't have a problem with getting to sleep, he could sense the feeling of unease in his partners and tried his best to ignore it and make them all feel comfortable. Then his nightmare provoked him like someone poking a bear with a stick. The image of the paramedic pressing his hands so harshly to (Y/N)'s chest Roger had been so sure he was going to break through her ribs and damage the fragile organ he was trying so hard to revive. Her words repeating in his head on a loop as she had realised the very moment she began to slip away. His mind screaming out when the memory twisted into such a nightmare Roger felt his heart breaking in his chest like he was dying when the paramedic shook his head sadly indicating nothing more could be done. A shudder ran through Ben when Roger's body violently lurched beneath him, the actor's head had been resting on Roger's virtually flat stomach before the drummer lurched. Roger had been laying on his back, something he tended to do quite a lot, once he was asleep he rarely moved whereas Ben and (Y/N) were wrigglers. At the nightmare flooding through his mind, Roger's wrist that was in plaster, having previously been resting just above his head, flung out as he jumped awake. The plastered hand smashing into the wooden bed frame with a bang causing Ben to bolt awake into a half sitting position as he leant on his elbow to try and find out what was happening. "Fucking shit! Fuck, fuck!" The drummer hissed violently, a profanity of words speeding from his lips so quickly and some under his breath that Ben couldn't keep track nor work out what he was saying. Doubling over slightly Roger cradled his now damaged hand to his chest, shaking it slightly to try and bring back some feeling that wasn't pain pulsing through his arteries. His other hand going to his face, pinching the bridge of his nose as he stayed doubled over like he was going to be sick. Leaning over him Ben reached for the lamp residing on the bedside table before sitting back on his knees, taking note that their girlfriend had left the bed seemingly before Roger's outburst. His eyes raking over Roger's frame, seeing a layer of sweat clinging to his skin that was blotched with red, especially on his face. His breaths laboured as he tried to stop the pain bolting through his wrist and hand. That was the last time he laid like that. "What happened?" Ben questioned quietly, taking Roger's undamaged hand and entwining their fingers together before pressing a kiss to the back of his hand soothingly. Already having an idea of what had woken him in such a fright like this. "Where's (Y/N)?" Glancing his eyes around when he pulled himself upright Roger felt his heart suddenly drop to his stomach like the strings holding it in place had snapped. His breathing speeding up alarmingly as the pain in his hand subsided to allow the aching in his heart to take over his senses. Had he really been dreaming? Was that some warped reality that he was living? Did they in fact lose their girlfriend as well as their child? "Rog, babe it's alright. Whatever you dreamt isn't true, she's probably gone for a drink or to the bathroom. It's alright." Ben soothed, trying not to rush through his words as he cupped Roger's face in his hands. Pressing a chaste kiss to his lips before running a hand through his hair, brushing the blonde strands from the drummer's eyes and around his ears so he could see properly. Trying to force a smile to show him that it was alright, the three of them were alright if a little stuck in the mud right now. Nodding, Roger tried to calm down his breathing, gently letting go of Ben's hand to run his fingers through his tousled hair and untangle the knots. Tears burning in the corner of his eyes that he pushed away. A sigh of utter relief passing through Roger's slightly parted lips when his eyes locked onto (Y/N)'s frame as she walked back into the room. Concern etched onto her features at having heard the profanities leaving his lips, a cup of steaming tea in her grip which she set down on the table beside him. Silently crawling onto Roger's lap, delicately taking his damaged and plastered hand in both of hers, fingers tracing up and down the exposed skin of his arm trying to calm him down. "Everything alright?" Ben questioned, seeing she looked wide awake and yet beyond tired at the same time. Circles under her eyes which seemed like they were struggling to stay open, a comforting smile pulling at her lips when Roger rested his undamaged hand on her hipbone, squeezing her side lovingly as he felt himself instantly calming down. Head leaning against Ben's when the actor rested his head in the crook of Roger's neck. "Couldn't sleep... why were you swearing?" Her voice was a little rough around the edges but seemed to smoothen out when she questioned what had happened with Roger. An inkling already in the back of her mind that she wanted confirming. "Had a dream and smacked my hand on the bloody headboard." Glancing his eyes from hers down to her chest Roger felt his heart constricting as he let go of her hip to graze his hand over her chest which had become exposed due to the oversized shirt hanging off her frame. A particular shirt Roger couldn't determine whether it belonged to either him or Ben, both men being around about the same size to the point they shared clothing. (Y/N) always stole a shirt to sleep in so all of their things just jumbled together, everyone owning everything. Roger was a bugger for stealing random shirts from (Y/N)'s wardrobe simply because his frame allowed him to wear women's clothing too and it looked insanely good on him. His hand suddenly beginning to shake as his finger ghosted over her sternum, tracing each of the multicoloured bruises that were tainting her skin. The bruises dragging the memory of the dream he'd just woken from to the front of his mind. Roger hadn't realised that a mark had been left, although it seemed about right with the force that had to be used to repeatedly press to her chest. He would have been surprised if she hadn't gotten any bruises or broken bones at all, thankful no ribs were actually damaged though. It still hurt to see the fading yellow bruises that surrounded the deeper purple ones dotting the middle of her chest and leaning more towards the left. "Just bruises Rog, they won't last forever." Pulling up Ben felt panic bubbling in his chest as he moved his eyes to lock with his girlfriend when Roger suddenly started sobbing. Not like he normally did, a few tears here and there with the odd silent cry. This was floods of tears drenching his face like a tidal wave as broken wails fell from his parted lips as he tipped his head back, head leaning back against the headboard. "Babe, talk to us. What's going on?" Ben soothed, pressing a kiss to Roger's flushed skin on his shoulder. Roger tended to shut himself away when something was wrong, he didn't like admitting that he had a problem or what his feelings were unless they were ones of love and affection. It was always hard for the pair to try and coax the drummer to talk to them, but they couldn't help him or understand what was going on if he didn't tell them what he was feeling. For the past two weeks, he had only expressed himself through anger or crying, no words had been said about what was going on inside. "I should have stayed home with the both of you! We could have gotten help earlier- I wouldn't have that image of you lying dead in front of me in my head forever if I'd of helped you but I fucked off to the studio. It hurts so much to remember you like that because its all I can see when I close my eyes. It feels like I did that to you, t-that I nearly killed you. And you know what makes it one hundred fucking times worse?" (Y/N) bit her lip so hard, trying to stop the wailing sound that was welling up in her throat that she had to swallow in order to carry on listening to Roger's agony. Ben, on the other hand, couldn't stop jittering, his own feelings and insecurities about what had happened to flood to the front of his mind as he had to fist the bedsheet in his hand to try and stop the adrenaline from overtaking his system. "You have the scan photo in your wallet." Ben's body looked like it had convulsed, his chest sucking inwards as his shoulders slumped forward as he leaned over. A trembling breath leaving his lips as tears flushed his already rosy cheeks. "I see your heart breaking when you open it and you won't take it out because you know it happened and we can't erase that from our minds and it kills. It kills to think we could have had that, all of us could have had something different that was a part of all of us and then it was taken away." Leaning forward (Y/N) rested her head against Roger's bare chest, her tears falling like droplets of rain onto his skin as he stared at Ben refusing to look anywhere else. They wanted to know what his pain felt like and what he was going through so now they were hearing it and he wanted to see their reactions. Roger hated having to talk about his feelings and knowing what he felt was going to hurt them both made it worse. Especially since what he was feeling was something that Ben and (Y/N) both related to, all sharing the pain of the other two and yet it felt so horrible to hear it be spoken out loud between them. Roger had seen Ben on many occasion when he was getting something out of the vending machine in the hospital. The way his hand began to shake when his eyes locked onto the photo he always tried to prepare himself to see but never could. Telling himself over and over that it was alright, prompting himself not to cry and to try and breathe steadily when he was about to look at the photo of a future that could have been. But every time Ben had come to open his wallet the black and white picture seemed to strike him in the heart with such force his knees came within inches of caving in. Showing him the future that all three of them had been so exstatic for, one that they didn't even think would be taken away from them as if they were only given it as a looking glance. A cruel joke placed upon all of them because someone found it funny to give a future they dreamed about only to take it back in the most horrid of ways. Ben couldn't bring himself to take the photo out of his wallet or stuff it into a side part so he wouldn't have to see it everytime he opened his wallet. It was something that had given him butterflies everytime he locked his eyes onto it before, and now it seemed to dampen his mood because he couldn't believe he had lost something so precious. It felt like moving the photo would be acting as if he had never been expecting a child with the two people that he loved most in the world and he could never do that.  To act like this had never happened, that they had never lost such a precious and short life was sickening to Ben. They had been expecting a child together and so he was going to keep that reminder there, hoping it would bring some kind of comfort or peace in the future. "Being home wouldn't have done anything for our baby Rog, I lost them and I didn't feel that happening. They just... slipped away from me and I should have felt that. If I did I wouldn't have been ill." Tears fell from her eyes as she pulled back to look up at him. His efforts would have been in vain for their child and it sent rushes of pain to (Y/N)'s heart at the thought that she didn't know when their child had died. She was a mother, she should have realised that something was wrong, that something had happened that may have been her fault but she didn't. She had carried on as if everything was fine because she had been led to believe that it was, their child had died and they couldn't mourn them at the right time because nobody knew. It hurt all three of them to know that even with the guilt they were all harbouring, there was nothing they could have done to stop them from losing their baby. There were no signs to indicate something was wrong and so even if they somehow managed to go back in time, it wouldn't have done any difference for their child. That was a future that was simply not meant to be for the three of them. "I could have saved you!" He shot back, tears trailing their way down his neck by this point. "Even if I couldn't save them I could have stopped you from having to be brought back to me, I could have stopped myself from seeing you like that-" "What about me? You were at work Rog, I was the one who saw the fever starting and I didn't do anything either. I let it happen because it didn't seem that serious until too late. We we're all too late." Ben quipped, moving and laying down on his right side to face the pair of them as a sudden wave of fatigue rushed over his system. Eyes watering the pillow as (Y/N) slowly crawled from Roger's lap to snuggle in the space between them, fighting the thought of waking up in a feverish state to try and bring comfort to the three of them as they were all hurting. Roger felt guilty for leaving, for having done nothing to stop himself from witnessing the death and ressusitation of his girlfriend. For having to break the news to Ben of what had happened when he wasn't there. Ben felt guilty for not having taken action sooner and taken (Y/N) to the hospital like he should have. He could have saved both her and Roger from such pain and heartache if he had gone with his gut. And (Y/N) felt guilt for being so stubborn in not wanting to seek medical help in the first place, believing it was some simple cold or stomach bug. Pain mixing with guilt at the knowledge that she didn't realise when she had lost their child, something she should have felt the moment it happened. If she had then she wouldn't have gotten the infection that travelled to her heart and decided to make it stop. No one was blameless, but at the same time the blame couldn't be laid on one person alone. They each shared in the pain of what had happened and had a feeling of responsibility but at the end of the day it was the roll of the dice that decided their fate. Dwelling on what had happened wasn't going to help their future which is what they needed to focus on to get them through the present.