#my grandpa didn't tell me until just now. he died yesterday after being in the hospital for 2 days :(

[yummychiknsoup]

oh my god. my childhood dog is dead.

[criminalminds4days]

Family Matters | Chapter 3: Trivia

Hello People!

I hope you have had an amazing week and are going to have an ever better weekend. I am so done with this week. It was really crappy and I just can't wait for the beginning of next, hoping it will be better. The only positive side is that I was able to get over my writer's block and have finished about 3 new chapters.

Anyway, enjoy this chapter of Family Matters and let me know what you think!

Warnings: Swearing, sexual references, violence and murder references, public embarrassment, and very bad jokes!

Word Count: 3.6k

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Tag list: @mcntsee @lets-be-gay-for-the-angel @evelyncade @haylaansmi @paulaern @myfandomlife-blog

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(This gif is not mine)

Chapter 3: Trivia

She closed the blinds and made sure for the fifth time the door was locked. Her breath caught in her throat and the fear and adrenaline that had rushed through her body made even Spencer Reid nervous.

"What's going on?"

"This is bad, I didn't realize the consequences of this until it was too late. I am so sorry I got you all tangled up in this mess."

"What are you talking about? What happened?"

"I-" She turned and took a peek through the blinds, ensuring there was no one around. "I did not think things through. I think it's best if you go home, that way you might be spared."

"You are seriously starting to make me nervous, please tell me what's going on, how can I help?"

"There is nothing you can do; I am basically a dead woman."

"Why? Who's after you?"

"Anna Hemingway."

"Your cousin is after you? Did she threaten you or something?"

"No, she didn't have to." She walked towards the bed and sat on the edge, still glancing every now and then, making sure the coast was clear.

After her and Spencer's victory, they had both decided to go to bed, and while the rest of her family insisted on having another dinner dedicated to the couple, they had both decided best to eat and head back to their cabin. He had finished first and decided to head back, and as soon as he was gone, the memory hit her making her mistake obvious. And the main reason she had resorted to a passive competition with the world's worst cousin was clear once again. In a hurry she had returned to their cabin, ensuring she was not being followed, and locked the door, startling the doctor.

"The last time I beat Anna at something was when I twelve. We were both auditioning for the same role in our school musical. They gave me the part." He smiled, truly excited for her accomplishment, as well as happy to learn this new fact about her. "Don't get too peppy. On opening night, at Grandma's celebration for the play, I fell down the stairs."

"What does that have to do with anything?"

"Because, Dr. Spencer Reid, as hard as it is to believe, me falling down the stairs was not due to my immense clumsiness."

"Wait, your cousin pushed you down the stairs?!" He exclaimed, truly horrified. How are children so cute and so evil at the same time?

"More like, she set her foot for me to trip on, but you get the idea." She glanced back at the door and then at the man in front of her. "I was lucky, I didn't break anything, but I have a feeling that might not be the case the next time. I also would prefer not to drown or anything like that."

"But we're federal agents, doing something to you or me would be unwise."

"You're speaking of the girl that tripped me down the stairs and thought that stealing my boyfriend and marrying him was wise."

"I'm gonna double-check the door is locked."

After hours of attempting to stay vigilant, her body had given in and she had fallen asleep. Although Spencer knew the danger, to him it was as simple as closing his eyes. She knew they were trained to deal with a lot of sick people, but he didn't understand the limits his cousin would go to destroy those who she felt wronged by. Although her main target had always been her, she once had basically ended a girl's life by getting her banned from pretty much any respectable college or job position because this one had made fun of her prom dress. Anna Hemingway was one to be cautious with, and they had both just embarrassed her in front of the people whose attention she had snatched years ago. It was worse than she realized.

"Spencer, Spencer." She spoke as she slightly moved him. He growled and moved away from her, attempting to continue his slumber. "Spencer."

"No, let me sleep." He complained.

"Spence, get up, please." After minutes of silence, she devised a new plan. "Spencer!" she screamed, making him jump, falling off the bed and landing between the edge of this first one and the door of the closet. "Oh good, you're awake."

He didn't say a word, for what seemed like centuries, and she wondered if screaming him awake was not the best decision, especially as her next request would not be something he would be inclined to.

"Sorry for that, I just needed you to wake up."

"Is there a fire I don't know about?"

"No, I just thought we could go for a run." There it was, the look Spencer had only given the unsubs he despised the most. She had earned it, but that didn't mean she liked it. "Sorry, I just, Nicole had to leave, and since I have a target on my back and there's safety in numbers... I also didn't want to leave you here alone, and vulnerable. I just felt like, despite your muscles, I am concerned you haven't yet mastered the use of your body."

"I will have you know that by all accounts I definitely know how to use my body. Quite effectively if I do say so myself, and others."

After his words, her mind went to a thought she never imagined having. She wondered if he meant it that way or she was just losing it. "Good, then you can come with me." That sentence following her thoughts was probably not ideal.

"No thank you, you can do it by yourself." She needed to change the direction her thoughts were going; they were definitely not helpful.

"Spencer, please. I am honestly a little terrified, and you should be too."

"Well, I'm not. She isn't worse than any unidentified subject we've dealt with before."

"Oh but she is. She's the worst type of unsub you could think of, but ten times worse."

"What's the worse she could do?"

"Let's not find out."

After whining from him and pleads by her, they both made their way out of the cabin. The shorts he had avoided yesterday were now covering almost nothing as they jogged. This was not a good reminder of their earlier conversation, so she simply focused on something easier: her cousin's imminent revenge. She thought it would come in the form of her accidentally pushing her into the lake, or a repeat of her falling down the stairs. She was even worried this time Spencer would be the victim since he had been the one to embarrass her. Her thoughts were interrupted by deep breaths and a yelp.

"Are you okay?"

"We've been running for hours, how dare you ask me such a question?"

She looked at her watch, "We've been running for exactly three and a half minutes. Actually, we haven't been running, more like jogging."

"How long do you usually do this for?"

"Depends on the day, but from thirty minutes to two hours."

"You need help."

"It won't be as bad, come on."

"You can go on, I am just gonna sit here and have a heart attack real quick."

"How on earth did you pass your physical?"

"I got it waved."

"Cheater."

"If it isn't it the 'it' couple of the weekend!" Suddenly the one having a heart attack was not Spencer, but her. "I didn't know you guys ran together, that's so cute!"

"Yeah, truly the reason I love her," Spencer said, a pinch of sarcasm in his voice.

"How adorable." It's coming, she could feel it. "Anyway, I was thinking, since love seems to be in the air this weekend, why don't we celebrate it by wrapping up the family retreat with a trivia night!"

"What does trivia have to do with love?" She regretted the words as soon as they came out, as Anna looked at her like she might as well be six feet under.

"Silly, the trivia would be about your significant other, of course!"

"Well, that's just-"

"Wonderful, I know!" The blonde smiled, delighted by her idea. "The family has already been briefed and they are all on board, I have started taking in questions and designed the cards, so we'll all meet around the campfire for dinner, and then we'll have trivia night!" She smiled brightly and began to leave, stopping by to appreciate Spencer's figure and palming his behind as she left.

"Did she just-?"

"Yes, yes she did."

"I need a shower."

After both had showered and changed they made their way to grandmas house, alert as to anyone following them. Most of her family had moved on from spying on them, but she knew Anna and Uncle Ernie were not that normal.

"So, what did your grandma do?"

"No one really knows, I mean it had to be good to make her so rich, but by the time my uncle Ernie was born, the eldest, she was already rich enough to sell whatever business she had and become a full-time parent."

"What about your grandpa?"

"He died before I was born."

"Oh."

They sat at the same table he had been at the day before; the chessboard was still in place. She began messing with the pieces, creating the game that always made her win, courtesy of her grandma.

"I didn't know you played."

"I too began at a very young age. I haven't really played since grandma died; she was my game partner. The only one that treated me like I was a human being." She sat down, remembering the hours she spent here when Nicole wasn't around, and everyone pretty much ignored her. "She was the only one that ever consoled me for losing my dad. Losing her was just one more box to check."

"I am sorry for your loss." He placed a hand on her shoulder and squeezed it gently, hoping to convey his sympathy.

"Yeah well, by how calm Anna looks right now I guess it won't be long before I join her, so we don't have to worry about that anymore."

He rolled his eyes, a smile tugging at his lips. "So, what should we expect during this trivia night?"

"To lose, that's our safest bet."

"I don't really do losing."

"And all I do is lose, so I will be your guide this time."

The family had made their way inside, their excitement overflowing the room. She couldn't help but wish she could simply run for the hills. She knew the chances of them winning were null, because a) she needed to lose and b) Spencer and her hadn't known each other, really known each other long enough to be able to answer these questions. She wondered if that was the plan all along, that Anna somehow had found out about their lie and was using this as a means to expose it.

"Okay everybody, let's get started." Said, uncle Ernie. He wore the same clothes as their first day here. "Let us start with the competition. Since we have the newlyweds as well as the new couple in the family, I think they should make the honors."

She looked at Spencer and he smiled at her, she leaned closed and whispered. "Remember, to ease the monster, we need to lose, which shouldn't be hard, we're not even a real couple, there is no way we know enough about each other, right?"

He nodded and they both moved to the sofa that was designated as their spot, her uncle who now apparently served as the show host, handed Spencer and Tyler a buzzer, explaining whichever sounded first would get to answer the question. She mentally prepared herself, hoping she could answer enough questions to not raise suspicion but not enough to win the game, what a grand world that would be.

"Ready everybody?" everyone cheered in approval and she prepared herself. "This round is for the guys, once we finish you will pass the buzzer to your partner and at the end, we will have one round where either of you can answer. Now, the first question, what is your partner's Starbucks order?"

Spencer's buzzer went off as Tyler attempted to recall the memory. "It depends on the season. During winter and for as long as she can get it, it will be a Grande Peppermint Hot Chocolate, during the summer it will be no-coffee Double chocolate chip cookie crumble Grande Frappuccino with extra whipped cream, and no straw." She looked at him completely taken aback by his answer, how specific it was, and the fact that he knew she was a seasonal drinks person.

"Yeah, that's it." She spoke.

"Point for team FBI!" Her uncle cheered. "Next question, what is your partner's favorite color?"

His buzzer went off and the doctor spoke again, "Blue."

Ten questions later the scoreboard was 8-2, Spencer's lead, and the two questions he hadn't answered were because he decided that would be enough to lose. She didn't understand how he knew these things, or the fact that she knew what her answer for him would be, but what she did know, was that she had to be really bad in order to allow Anna to take the lead back, what she wasn't sure about anymore, was whether she wanted to let her cousin win.

"Ladies, you're up." Spencer handed her the buzzer and she smiled at him. "First question, how does your partner drink his coffee."

"That's easy. He doesn't drink coffee." She said soon after her buzzer went off. "He drinks sugar with a side of coffee, no creamer. Eighty percent sugar, twenty percent coffee."

"That is so mean to say! But it's true." Spencer agreed.

"How are you a doctor and drink so much sugar?"

"Not that kind of doctor." He clarified to the man.

"I have no idea what that means! Next question, what is the thing your partner is most proud of?"

"His job. Spencer loves helping people and using his knowledge to reunite families, he's the bravest guy I know." She smiled at him and he returned the gesture.

It was no surprise Anna was not content with the results, as the end was a 23-4 in favor of Spencer and her. As soon as the game was finished she knew that she had basically carved her own grave.

"That is not fair, they are not even really dating!" Her cousin screamed, "it's all a lie!"

"What?"

"Yeah, I know your little secret, I overheard you and Nicole talking about how Spencer was not really your boyfriend and how he didn't actually have dyslexia!"

"I-" She didn't know what to say, how had she not seen her? How could she let this happen?

"First of all, I think it is very inconsiderate of you to suggest that my dyslexia is not real. I have fought so hard for such a long time to ensure my condition didn't prevent me from succeeding, going as far as getting a Ph.D. in mathematics, for someone to simply come and question my hard work." Spencer said, seemingly very upset. "Second of all, this woman right here is the best thing that ever happened to me, and I will not sit here and tolerate you calling her a liar. We are in love with each other, and you as her cousin should be happy about it. Yet you seem so upset about her finding someone, it seems to me you're jealous, but what do I know, it's not like I can understand human behavior or anything. Oh, wait." He said, he took her hand and pulled her as close to him as she could. "Just leave my girlfriend alone, you took her sloppy second and married him, so what more can you want from her?"

The room fell silent, everyone eyed Spencer and Anna, trying to grasp what had just happened. "You and I both know you're lying, you two are not a real couple, you are just trying to ruin this weekend for me."

"Really, not a real couple? Then how did we end up destroying you at trivia? You made the questions Anna, I had no idea what was on them, you did. And I am not the one wearing a wedding ring. So my question is, how do you marry someone without knowing their proudest moment, or their Starbucks order?"

"Well, how come no one has ever seen you two kiss? You can learn facts about each other but that doesn't really make you a couple."

"You want to see a kiss? Fine." She turned and pulled Spencer's lips to hers. She let herself enjoy the moment, really enjoy Spencer's kissing skills, not because she wanted to or anything, but rather because that is how she should kiss him, there was no way anyone would have any doubt about them if the kiss looked authentic. Which it did, it also might have felt a little more authentic than it should but now was no the time to dwell on that.

Spencer kissed her back, creating an atmosphere in which her cousin's word didn't matter any longer, in which the humiliation her family had put her through was nothing worth thinking of, and the fact that both of them had such deep knowledge about each other only fueled it, melting her a little in her spot, she felt his teeth on her lower lip applying slight pressure and she couldn't help but wish they were by themselves right then and there.

"We get it! You guys want to take your clothes off, now please stop." Tyler's voice echoed, and the two doctors left each other's lips reluctantly, looking at him. "Now, can we please move on?"

"No! Not until they admit they are not really dating, and all this was a plot to humiliate me!" Anna screamed.

"You know what? I am not going to stand here and tolerate this behavior any longer. Bitchy Anna, you can whine all you want, but that will not change that I am with a man I love, and that loves me. I have let this family make me feel like less for long enough and I am done doing so. You can all go fuck yourselves because I am done with each and every single one of you. You allowed this crazy brat to humiliate me and treat me like I was less for long enough. Let's go home, Spencer." She grabbed him by the hand and exited the house, giving her family the middle finger before she banged the door. She walked to their cabin and gathered her stuff, him following suit. As soon as they were in the car and far enough away, she pulled over and sighed, coming down from her adrenaline rush.

"In the wise words of Penelope Garcia, that was hot," Spencer said.

"What was?"

"Everything." They laughed for a couple of minutes, the scene she had just created replaying in her mind. "I am so proud of you."

"Why? Because I gave my uncle Ernie the middle finger?"

"Because you stood up for yourself."

"Yeah, well even if she was right, I tend to get a little too angry when people call me a liar or get in my way."

"Yeah, I know." He chuckled, "How did it go, oh yes, 'Nu-uh bruh, I know you didn't just interrupt me mid-sentence.' And then you commented how a man who wore sweaters in the middle of July was not going to cut you off."

"I am so sorry about that; I was just so used to being cut off I didn't want it to be a thing at work."

"It's okay, I understand. I began cutting people off because that's what most people did to me when I spoke."

"Well, that's dumb. I love hearing your facts, you have all this knowledge, and you chose to share it, people should be grateful for it."

"Thank you, I appreciate that." He smiled, "Speaking of facts, our chances of getting murdered will increase by the minute if we continue to sit on the side of the road."

"Right, forgot about that!" She turned the car back on. "Let's go home, Spencer." As his apartment complex became clear, she slowed down, making a stop right in front of it. "Thank you for coming with me this weekend, I really appreciate it."

"No problem, that's what friends are for." Before he moved to get out of the car, she planted a quick kiss on his cheek. "What was that for?"

"For being the best fake boyfriend and real friend a girl could ask for." She smiled at him, so grateful for his existence. "I will see you tomorrow morning at 5:45 am sharp. Goodnight Spencer."

"Goodnight. See you tomorrow." He opened the door and walked out, waving to her before he entered his building. She sat there for a couple of minutes, taking in the past weekend. She knew her mother wouldn't let her get away with her actions, but right now that didn't matter, Spencer Reid had told her he was proud of her, he had even used the term hot which in itself was hot because she never even imagined he used that type of vocabulary.

Regardless, she stood up for herself, she let Anna have it, and Spencer was proud of her. It seemed like a win-win. She drove home, a smile on her face.

[fanmoose12]

Hello again, I am sorry for the awkward messages. I hope that you started to look forward to my asks as much as I look forward to your answers. I felt so motivated with your last answers. I hope that does not make you go soft on me in your judgement. Let me tell you that your guessing is right about Dr Ethan but you have to wait a little bit to know how it was. Here is the new part:

I remember I jumped of my bed as soon as I woke up to find Dr Ethan. I wanted to talk to my parents so much that I almost forgot about my burnt hand. After being forced to eat my breakfast by the nurses, I slipped away looking for Dr Ethan whom I found in his office. I shyly entered: Dr Ethan? He gave me the same kind smile: Hana…Good morning! I remember I hugged my favorite book that he gave me: good morning! Can I call mommy please? He got up from his chair. He approached me quietly then held my hand: Hana, let’s go to your favorite place in the garden, shall we? I shouted: NO! I want to ca… He interrupted me with a quiet yet strict tone: I need to tell you something first. Once again, I gave in to his wish and I let me lead me to my spot in the small garden: Dr Ethan, I miss them, I almost died yesterday, I want them to know. He caught my shoulders firmly yet softly: Hana, Listen to me! I was taken by the seriousness in his eyes and voice while he continued: I tried to contact your parents already…and I learned that they got divorced 2 weeks ago. I repeated after him in confusion: Div..orced? He repeated quietly: Do you know what it means? I bit my lip for a moment: it is a bad thing right? I read in one of the books you gave me that it means family is no more together right? He nodded: you parents were getting ready for divorce even before sending you here; they didn’t want you to know because of how bad you were back then. I asked again: Is it because of me? He replied immediately: no no Hana, things are more complicated than that, but the reason why I am telling you this is that you are not going to live with them anymore. I could not respond this time….My brain stopped functioning for a few seconds. The 10 years old me could only think of one thing. Why? As if he heard my thoughts: As far as I understood, it was an arranged marriage Hana, Mom and Dad didn’t get along very well but they tried as much as they could for your sake; after you were sent here, they could not try any longer. I kept listening quietly as he continued: I have been trying to contact them for weeks even before yesterday’s incident because I think you no longer need to be here. I managed to find your father’s contact information and …. I looked at him expectantly as he said: You will be living with your grandfather from now on. I answered as fast as I could: I don’t have grandfather…I never met any. He expected my answer: I know; He is an archeologist; he is always traveling because of his job, that’s why he never managed to meet you. I protested: I am 10 years old! How could he be busy for 10 years? And why do I have to live with him? Is it because mom and dad hate me? He interrupted me: Hana, Your parents made a choice. They chose their lives, their happiness over yours. It is your turn now to make your choice, either you remain here forgotten or you grab this chance for a new life and a new beginning. It was a hard moment for a 10 years old girl who just learned that her parents went separate ways; it was a tough choice to make when the only option I had was someone I never met. Something in the strict look and firm tone of Dr.Ethan reminded later whenever I remember this moment with how fate is. Cruel in its ways yet merciful when everything unfolds manipulating at first yet honest when everything is eventually revealed. On that day, I learned the second lesson that will remain in my mind for as long as I live One day, whoever you meet will leave you for whatever reason they have and you can only accept it and live with it.

Everything happened too fast for me to recall, Grandpa came later that day. I remember that he kept smiling at me while talking to Dr Ethan about the needed procedures to take me in. I didn’t care to listen to what they said. I was busy reading the short message Dr Ethan left to me in the last present he gave me. “A see you later present” he said.

And remember dear stranger that everything happens on a date. Not a moment earlier or a moment late. One day your path will lead you to the house of fate. And there, I will see you again behind the timeless gate. I kept reading it over and over while looking at him hoping for an explanation but he never cared to do it. All he did was to smile and give me a mysterious wink before he goes to meet my new found relative. He was kinder than I imagined him to be, he kept talking about the places he visited, the things he discovered, the different people he met from everywhere in the world, he even managed to make me smile couple of times before I blurt out the question that I could no longer hold inside me: Why did my parents leave me to you Mr Parker?

He stopped talking for a few seconds then said: Call me grandpa, Hana.

When I noticed how he was looking at me waiting for me to do it, I had to do it: Yes, Grandpa.

He continued: Your father was the one who decided to get married and live far away from me and he was the one who decided to end everything too, one day I will tell be able to explain more but until then I want you to know that I need you in my life as much as you need me so let me give you all the love I have for you sweet Hana and I hope you can give this talkative old man the love your parents could never appreciate. I didn’t notice that my tears started to fall already until he dried my cheeks with his rough big hand: Hey Hana?

Yes, Grandpa?

He smiled even more and said: Do you like Ice cream?

And for the first time in my life, I felt that maybe I still have a chance to be accepted and loved as I have always wished. That's it for this time, It is the part where the backstory or the structure of the character's actions is built and I wanted to make it as clear as possible. I hope my writing style didn't bore you. I want to apologize for staying as anon since I am planning for a long fiction that might be considered by some, re-writing attack on titan which will put unnecessary pressure on me and might lead to unpleasant comments. Thank you so much for your time, I really look forward to what you think.

again, sorry for the late answer, i was a very busy bee this morning, but! i read your story just before going to sleep last night and, oh! i liked it so much! i'm so excited to see what will happen to hange (or, well, hana!) next!

and i dunno why, but i kinda got a series of unfortunate events vibe? you know, the part where baudelaires were sent to their uncle montgomery! the grandpa kinda reminds me of him haha

anyways, i love where this is going and can't wait for more!

[stretchjournalemerson]

Give Him Space

By Fiona Murphy

My dad stands across from us. We are waiting for him to speak. It’s hard to say how long we have been waiting, how many seconds slip past—his hands splayed out on the edges of the counter like a martyr on a cross.

He hasn’t lived in this house, the Big House as he calls it, for six years and his presence is always slightly off. Years from now, I will remember him here with sunglasses on his head, to-go cup of coffee in hand, ready to leave as soon as he enters—as I will see him so many times after this.

I am the only one of my siblings who went to school today. I sat in my second grade classroom and raised my hand for morning prayer.

“I wanna pray for someone in my family who died.” I said, beaming with pride. Having someone to pray for was like a gold badge of honor.

“I heard about that,” My snippy teacher who seems to hate me for being too loud and having bad handwriting said. “Your uncle, right?”

The memory now sits heavy in my stomach, an inexplicable kernel of shame. I watch my brother’s polar bear patterned pajama clad leg kick the counter in front of him over and over, creating a steady beat.

Yesterday, in the Party City parking lot, my mom got a call and paced circles around the car for half an hour. My sister, the oldest, was pulled aside in the balloon aisle, hearing what my brother and I are waiting to hear now.

My dad’s hand scrubs down his face every few minutes punctuated with a heavy sigh. His eyes are bloodshot red. When he does begin to speak, he doesn't stop for a long while. He talks about Jack and what happened and what he did and something about the funeral and how it is our choice if we want to go. All of this will be lost to me eventually. Only the sentence, “I just want you kids to know I would never do anything like this to you” will stick.

I don't go to the funeral. I guess it’s a choice I made, but I wish someone else had chosen for me. And chosen differently.

*

I am fifteen in my freshly painted bedroom. The walls are dark purple, masking the light blue my brother painted it before me. I thought it would be cozy but now it makes me feel as though the room is quickly shrinking. It is spring.

“Dad wants you to call him!” I yell to my mom. We are at the Big House. My sister and my brother have ended up living with my dad in his gray one-story across town.

“What?” She asks, appearing in the doorway.

I don’t bother to pause the episode of Gossip Girl I am watching. Blair is running to meet Chuck at the top of the Empire State building.

“Dad wants you to call him,” I repeat.

She groans, reluctant like a teenager, and dials him. She rolls her eyes at me as she listens to the dial tone.

“Hello?” She answers in her phone voice, always louder and cheerier than necessary. Her face falls and she turns away from me. I pause and both Blair and I are suspended in time, her with a discarded bouquet of pink peonies in hand.

I catch snippets of the conversation. The muffled sound of my dad’s voice on the other end punctuated by my mom’s sympathetic “Okay”s and worried eyes.

“It’s Daniel.” She says when she hangs up.

My dad doesn't make a speech this time. Or if he does, it’s at his gray house and I’m not invited.

My mom doesn't say how uncle Daniel died, and I will never know.

Daniel was the youngest, like me, but he never seemed it since Conor, my dad’s other brother––died at only nineteen. He was frozen in time in my mind, though I’d never met him, an eternal teenager. I hadn’t seen Daniel in years, and to me he was frozen, too. Late twenties, always smiling, soft-spoken compared to Jack and my dad.

My mom goes to the funeral without me though again, I can’t recall deciding. I wish someone had put me in the car, someone had put their foot down. I spend the weekend alone in the Big House which seems to be getting bigger. My purple bedroom threatens to swallow me whole.

My dad was the oldest of six: two girls, four boys. By the time he is fifty, he is the oldest of three and has no brothers. My siblings and I make three to begin with. What are our odds of lasting? I wonder. Will we make it to fifty?

*

It is Mother’s day and I am seventeen. We are in a park downtown sitting on a bench in a meadow of purple flowers. The park is huge, spanning hundreds of acres. It’s scattered with grass fields, walking trails, and large yellow abandoned houses. It feels entirely removed from the city as if we could disappear into it.

We watch dots of people wander around the beach and the lighthouse below us. The Puget Sound extends for miles past my eyeline. My mom says something offhandedly, a casual mention, that this is where my uncle Jack died. She says it and only I hear it.

I knew he died in a park. My mom said it once when I was a kid. I think I overheard it though I can’t imagine who she was telling. The news said he didn't look like himself. She said. People thought he was a homeless man. He looked crazy.

At the time, I pictured Jack with a full beard, tattered clothes, and a crazy look in his eye. In my mind, park meant playground and he sat on a bench in front of one. Townspeople running from him, shielding their children, in disgust.

That image transforms from cartoonish to vivid.

It was spring and the park was probably filled with people. I wonder how many people heard the sound. I wonder how long the ambulance took to back down the curving dirt road. I wonder, regrettably, how he was found.

He didn't even look like himself. That stuck with me. I examined my father all through high school. When I saw him for hours at a time, weeks apart. I would inspect his face for a change, as if he would wake up one day unrecognizable and I would know and I could somehow fix it. I was trying to lessen the fear I felt, that it would happen suddenly. That the funeral would come and go too quickly to stop it.

“I think there’s a bench somewhere in the park, dedicated to him,” my mom says. I keep my eyes on the distant dots of people, they walk along the edge of the water. Close but not touching. Somewhere here there is a memorial in the form of a park bench. Some sign of remembering. But with its endless horizon and acres of dry grass, how could we find it? There’s no one to ask––no one I could build up the courage to call.

*

I am eighteen and I am in my father’s Denali. It’s filled with discarded paperwork and crumpled notes on yellow legal pads. It perpetually smells of cigar smoke now, the habit he picked up last year to quit drinking. It makes my stomach turn.

Somehow, it is brought up that it is the anniversary of Daniel’s death. The call in my purple bedroom was three years ago now, though it feels much longer. I don't know if he brings it up or I bring it up. I fear it’s a very me thing to do. It’s the anniversary of the death of your brother, I’d say. Suddenly unable to follow up on what I started I’d go quiet. He’d be forced to reply once the silence grew too suffocating, sticking to the seats and muffling the radio. Yes, yes it is.

Once it’s brought up, it sits in the air for a moment too long.

I remember last year when his parents came to stay at my dad’s house. I went over for dinner and after they left, he told me as he walked them to their car, his father told him he was glad he quit drinking. We were always worried about that, my grandpa had said.

When my dad told me this he smiled but scoffed. “Why would you wait until I quit to say something? Why wouldn’t they tell me they were worried?”

We are at the stop sign a block from the Big House.

“Are you okay?” I say finally, not looking at him.

“Oh,” he says wryly. “I’m okay.”

We pass the stop sign. Sunglasses on his head, coffee cup in the center console. He looks like himself. I’m always worried about you, I think but don’t say.

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah,” I say. “I’m okay.”

It’s the closest we’ve ever gotten to talking about it. Any of it.

Acknowledgements

I want to acknowledge my uncles who were filled with love. This memoir is meant to be about my experience of their deaths, but I want to acknowledge the beauty and joy they brought to me, my family, and everyone who knew them during their lives. I also want to acknowledge my dad, my aunts and my grandparents––who have felt and mourned their loss in ways I will never understand.

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