#my grandmas. well she’s cool but also I live 20 minutes from her rn and I see her all the time I DONT NEED TO SEE HER IN A DIFFERENT WORSE

[totopopopo]

Feeling dogshit miserable rn

[ridiculous-lazybug]

looks like i've been tagged by @son--of--the--south so, thank you, that gives me a reason to continue procrastinate working for my stupid partiels ~

1) Nicknames coco and... i think this is it ? i wish my friends/family would use more nicknames for me tbh (also fun fact : i used to dislike being called Coco but now i think i wouldn't mind being called like that all the time)

2) Real name coline (but yeah not the biggest fan of it)

3) Zodiac aries (but according to everything i read i don't have a lot in common with what aries people are supposed to be)

4) Height 1m58 (or maybe like 59 or 60 or 57 i have no idea tbh)

5) What time is it ? 2:10 am as i finish writing this

6) Favorite musician/group i... don't really have one like why should i choose only one when there are so many talented and different people :/ like i really tried in the last 5 minutes to think about someone in particular but i just? can't???

7) Favorite sports team i'm sorry to not be able to answer this question but i really don't know shit about sports and especially sports team lmao

8) Other blog like on tumblr ? i have none, i keep everything on one blog like the mess i am

9) Do I get ask ? yeah, once in 4 months or something

10) How many blogs do i follow i just checked : 635 (i'm pretty sure at least half of them are inactive but yeah)

11) Any tumblr crush nope

12) Lucky number 4 and 13 (for stupid reasons at first but now it's like just a Thing)

13) What am i wearing rn pajamas, comfy socks and my big luffy hoodie

14) Dream vacation if we're talking like, a big trip in another country that is far too expensive, well of course japan (this is the only one i'm sure i'll do though, i mean i'm studying japanese, it would be dumb not to go there), then also maybe australia and/or the usa would also be cool. canada and iceland too. but yeah if the question was more about somewhere i really, really want to go and i think about it almost everyday : definitely the camping in the alps where i go for a few weeks every summer, where i basically live with friends and have a lot of freedom and fun, i have a far healthier life, also it's the most beautiful place i know (it has its faults too like not a lot of wifi, most of my friends are... well *whispers* cishet and stuff, and i can't sleep too late in the morning bc it's too hot when my tent is under the sun but yeah, i tried to stay short but as you can see i never shut up about it and i love and miss it and i want it to be summer already)

15) Dream car okay so i don't know a lot about cars and i haven't even started to learn how to drive and i'm not planning to do it anytime soon, but when i'll have a car it will be small, round, probably red (that's my favorite color but honestly any bright color except green or pink would be cool) and with a lot of cool car stickers or whatever they're called

16) Favorite food that's also a hard one... i would say cookies. but i also like cheese a lot. as well as french stuff made with a lot of melted cheese like raclette and fondue... and i love speculoos and pocky...... and the cakes my grandma makes........ damn my stomach is growling rn

17) Drink of choice definitely cold milk or hot chocolate. i also really like fruit juices like orange, apple, apricot, peach, lemon...

18) Languages french, english. i'm studying japanese rn but i'm far from fluent for now. and i learned german in school for 7 years but i forgot a lot of it... and the next language i want to learn when i'm better with japanese is sign language

19) Instrument i learned violin for a few years long ago but forgot almost everything, i would love to learn it again someday (but with another teacher bc the one i had was annoying. well i wasn't exactly the perfect student either but still). then i spent 5 years learning guitar (acoustic) and got a cool red electric guitar when i got my bac but unfortunately now i can't really play it as much as i would like but i know i'll really get back to it someday, that's one thing i know for sure

20) Celebrity crush uhh i wouldn't really say crush but i have people i really admire and find really good looking if that counts ?? (not writing about anime characters in here bc i'm not sure if they count as celebrities) like arryn zech, casey lee williams and ruby rose (the actress, i haven't watched anything she's done yet but she's cool and i follow her on insta), also jacob tobia recently, and i've been a fan of mika for a long time (he seems nice and his songs are amazing), and also lil nas x who's a legend

21) Random fact i just spent 15 minutes looking at this "random fact" question, thinking about different things i could write but none of them seemed interesting or special or random enough and as i started writing these words i was almost panicking for something as stupid as that and also right now i am thinking that my exams are in 3 days and that i have not worked for that in the last 2 weeks bc i was with friends then my family, phone and books and i am seriously panicking because of that right now and still not doing anything about it anyway how are yall doing

anyway uhh not tagging anyone except if you want to do it !

[spacejew]

oops accidental personal post I guess

It's weird that I almost feel the need to go here to personal blog again because of a handful of irl friends following what was supposed to be a private personal Twitter in theory, just for like, idk, internet strangers and friends I made online not those imported from meatspace. Also those character limits... Suffocating.

Anyways yeah things are kinda stable but dissapointing lifewise? I'm definitely in a rut and stuck somewhere I'm desperately trying to get out of. Also like. idk. Gender shit. I think I really fucked myself over hard when I made the decision a few years back to conviously bottle up all my dysphoria and trans feelings and bury them and repress them hard and just live as a very gay and feminine bi boy and like. hm. I think I've been happy since? But im thinking now that maybe. Because that's still a part of my psyche that haunts me every day. I might actually have been mildly depressed this whole time and like, still struggling to make important life decisions because of the anxiety of that. Idk. Maybe if I got a therapist and realistic attention to that all those years ago and it turned out to be very real n legit and i got to make tough choices and live my truth, I would be equipped now to actually be joyful and able to fully focus on hard work and taking risks and putting myself out there and being successful and shit. Idk idk idk. I just have to wonder if all this time I've actually been quite unhappy and filling the void with dumb shit and a good deal of dissociation and complacency. Idk. what I'm saying is maybe I made a big mistake there lmao and could've started transitioning, if that's right for me, 4-7 years ago maybe, who knows. Haha so fun. Fuck me. Big Regrets, lads. But also I still don't know if that's right. Which probs means it is who am I kidding. Oof. But it's ok life is a journey I'm full of wise shit and I know it's not the end of the world. It just kinda. Makes me so sad on behalf of the old me who would cry so much because of dysphoria and living in this body in this life. She knew. I don't know why I buried her alive like that. Anyways.

I spent all year struggling to make an animated short (which ended up being kinda long tbh like 10 minutes?) by myself mostly, just me and my mental blocks and executive dysfunction and shit, but I was v passionate about it and worked hard and got to actually bring a whole vision to life, with basically nobody to tell me what to do, just give me feedback that I wasn't obligated to follow. It came out pretty nice and I'm very happy that I got to tell exactly the story I wanted and try a cool new look and I just wish I gave myself more time to work on the actual animation part but I put my heart and endless weeks and months of refinement into the storyboarding and script and every little detail and I really feel accomplished and like it paid off -- and I even got to do a private screening at my summer camp job that I was called in to do one more time at the last minute right when I finished my film, it was a miracle and so perfect, everyone cried and truly loved it and felt touched by it. And then I went to animation festivals! And all this cool shit! But... I haven't been able to figure out a public screening thing yet. And I feel like all my excitement is gone now. And I really wanted to polish the look and some backgrounds a little, just some very quick rerendering and comp, but. I feel like too much time has passed, i just feel dissapointed. I haven't put it online yet cause I haven't done my public screening, cause of my stupid anxiety about little details and overall idk imposter syndrome I guwss I feel more ashamed of it than proud of it even tho it's probably good, and like I feel that everyone was excited to support me but probably nobody cares anymore.

Basically I had all the wind taken out of my sails. Oh and right when I was trying to get it off the ground I guess and push through, my grandma died. I'm so heartbroken I loved her so fucking much and. She never got to see the film cause of my stupid bullshit. I feel so bad about that. So so bad. Ugh. And it's a film very very hilariously blatantly directly based on me and my feelings and my real family history, ultimately besides other main themes it's about talking to your grandparents and family about the past and your current feelings. And in it the main character, a girl, cough cough even though it's basically me, cough cough go figure, gender shit, anyways the climax is her going back in time to talk to her great grandma, and it's very emotional and my best friend of like almost 10 years now composed and recording a music for that scene for me. And now when I eventually screen this, my entire family and also myself is gonna get torn to shreds by this scene more than intended because my own fucking grandma, who I was excited to show this film to more than anyone on earth, passed so unexpectedly without seeing it. Fuck. Why didn't I send it to her when she was in the hospital? Obviously cause if I did that that would make it real and she wouldn't get better and all I do is live in denial. Ugh. Anyways yeah. The point is I'm stagnant and in a rut right now and just want to move forward and focus on making new work and just get a real career relevant job already. Tough year hit a well needed high and now petering off back into misery. Not to be dramatic. I'm ok tbh I have a part time I'm slowly getting sick of and a loving supportive partner and some very good friends, tho not as many as I used to see regularly and that's kinda sad too. That's your 20s babey.

I just need to move on and make big changes. My pattern rn is like. Work fri-sun, if I'm lucky I get to hang out with friends or lovers, usually at least with my partner. on monday I recover from working. on tuesday I have dnd and usually get some stuff done but honestly just catch up on warframe with my clan friends. wednesday my partner and I got to the park and library for half the day and eat and draw and talk. on thursday I mentally prepare for work again and usually we go out to play another roleplaying game with her roommates friends. a lot of that free time that's been left unmentioned is spent being over at bae's sometimes so I don't have the ability to get much work done. Lately I've spent most of my time planning a dnd campaign which is fun but also too stressful on account of obviously I'm not playing it yet so like what's the point, sorry friends who have patiently waited for months for me to be ready to start the game for them. And also like. Yeah idk. just sad and confused and resting my weary heart and body after a very rough month after my grandma passed. But! I did accomplish a very crazy deep cleaning of my room. I threw out 14 bags of shit at the least. I wish I weighed it all, it was a lot. I feel so much more organized and cleansed from that. For the record I didn't have any trash in my room, nor was it every a mess. Just every single cabinet and drawer was crammed full of stuff and I guess I hoarded a lot of shit. I was able to throw away a lot of things I held on to be cause of sentimentality and I'm proud of myself for growing that way. So like. Idk. It's not all bad, baby steps. I still feel like I'm constantly improving as a person! I'm positive, optimistic. Just tired, anxious, and feel bad.

Also I finally got a new phone and because of my hubris I dropped it without a case and it shattered only two weeks in. The day I was gonna buy a case. But it's ok. Story of my life I guess. I can't keep everything pristine and polished forever, one day shit falls and breaks but it's still usable. It has character.

I wasn't expecting to dump everything like this, sorry yall. Thanks for reading I guess. Also I forgot how to do a read more on mobile lol sorry

[vs-redemption]

I'm alive!

I'm okay rn. The doctors said that it might take months before my grandma dies, can even take some years.

So I decided that I should try to be more active online. (I still visit her don't worry!)

I also took some time for my mental health!

Welp what has happend in my life recently? Well Eurovision happend (big European music competition wich I love) I drunkenly cursed at Europe and danced trough most songs in my living room lmao.

I went to my first Pride (my parents didn't want to let me go before my 18th birthday, then the year I turned 18, covid happend.) It was alot of fun. I also accepted that I'm on the aro spectrum. I figured it out last year, but didn't wanna open that can of worms just yet. I did this year this and came out as a Nonbinary Pansexual Cupioromantic. I know its a alot lol. But im happy.

My favorite series on YouTube is back for season 3, and I can't wait until the episodes start popping up. I'm currently rewatching the first season from a different pov and I have died of laughter many times. 'Welcome to the cringiest corner of the server' - the roleplayers.

One of my childhood heros came out, and I have been lurking on tumblr waiting to yell at homophobes. Hopefully he does good in MCC pride. I kinda feel bad how Reddit kinda forced him out. But Apperently he was planning to come out on Saturday during MCC pride. He didn't expect his comment to blow up under a Reddit post with Queer participants in MCC Pride. So he came out on the day he posted that comment. Still fcking proud of him. Since his coming out one of his old songs has been stuck in my head, and I hate every second of it.

I'm planning my trip to see my closest friend next month, and am working on some fanfics.

I'm also planning my birthday party, can't believe I'll be 20, on July 10th. And am planning my trip to the Balkans this summer.

I'm also looking up some different jobs and colleges, because I'm quitting History. It was not for me. In the one time period I knew alot about, the professor didn't like me. Literally told me that 'knowing alot about something isn't good' when she asked something about Yugoslavia (old country) and Tito (former leader). Knowing I wanted to be an expert in Balkan history, I just quit. If I knew to much about something to her liking, then I knew it wasn't a good fit for me.

My national team won against an certain opponent for the first time ever. Wich is cool.

A band I listened to growing up will perform at a local festival. And a local cycling event happend in my region last week.

Also The 'Tour de France' Will pass trough the village I'm obsessed with in July so I'm definitely excited to watch that.

I also made some friends I Think?!

Welp this was a small update! Again sorry for not sending alot of asks!

See ya!

-Enis

Enis ♥ I'm glad to hear from you again. And sorry it took a minute to reply. I've been busy myself with the end of the school year at my school, plus I was dogsitting at my friend's aunt's house for two weeks. This weekend I had to do a bunch of yardwork for my grandma, and go to my dad's for father's day. It's been crazy!

I'm glad to hear your grandma still has some time left. Make sure you spend as much quality time with her as you can. I'm also excited to hear that you went to a pride festival and that you have a better understanding of your identity.

It sounds like a lot of other good things are happening with you right now too! It's always wonderful when series we enjoy finally release new seasons. I just saw that information about My Hero season 6 came out and that was really great for me, so I know how you must be feeling.

Also!!! That is really great that your birthday is coming up. 20's can be a wild time so I hope you really enjoy it and that things go well for you. You're still young and have the world at your fingertips :) I'm proud of you for realizing that the path you weren't on with history wasn't right for you and being brave enough to quit. You don't want to be stuck in a field that doesn't work for you. I'm sure you'll be able to find something that makes you much happier and comfortable.

You know what? I don't think I've ever watched the Tour de France. I should look into that.

thanks as always for the update! It seems like things are overall going well for you and that makes me so happy.