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archival-account-2 · 4 years ago

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definition and refinement; in the heart of an artist. | keiji akaashi [headcanons]

❛ 𑁍 pairing: keiji akaashi x female!artist!reader

❛ 𑁍 scenario: in fukoradani academy; in the art club (school studio); in the volleyball court

❛ 𑁍 warning: none because it's a fluff; y'all haven't seen the coffee sachets i consumed

❛ 𑁍 note (i): my head isn't a healthy headspace because the brown coffee + sugar + black sugar i consumed today; y'all better expect like a train is gonna hit you off the rails because i didn't went easy with this one; of course, i tried to keep keiji akaashi in character, so please patient as i am adjusting his personality with my writing style (it’s fun writing new things)

❛ 𑁍 requested by: @schoneelise

🡪 you are one of the school prominent artists not because you're the vice president of the art club (your senpai is a third-year) but because you're presence is always defined no matter where you are.

🡪 did someone saw that cutie in a red berret? yeah, that's you, sketching in one of the notebooks you brought.

🡪 oh, did someone also saw that dolly in a skirt with van gogh's starry night masterpiece? yep, defintely, that's you, admiring your juniors' art in their studio while giving them advice.

🡪 anways, moving on; your senpai, (s/n), is very good friends with kotaro bokuto, the colleyball captain of the fukorodani volleyball club. (s/n) comes to their friend's practice by themselves but one day, you're intrigued with the way they were acting.

🡪 it was as if they were jittery and were kept on their toes. did something happen without your knowledge?

(s/n): they almost had it... they almost had it!

(y/n): ... senpai?

(s/n): if keiji didn't mess it up, he could have-

(y/n): sennpai, are. you. okay???

🡪 your kind concern reconvened your senpai's attention toyou, who almost looked petrified. (s/n) apologized for their erratic behavior and explained the situation.

🡪 long story short: fukorodani would facing off against the schools in tokyo in less than one week, and they don't have enough time to practice the new combo they conjured up.

🡪 you, being the supportive type, decided to come with your senpai. they were more than happy to have you tagging along. besides, it seemed like you needed something to be your next inspiration.

🡪 wow. the tension in the court... is just... wow.

🡪 boy, did the sound of balls bouncing off the floor and walls made you rethink your decision. what if you're going to lose an arm? what if you're going to get a concussion? is the place even safe for behaving people?

(s/n): relax. they know where they're gonna hit.

🡪 you're almost believing your senpai when a ball narrowly missed your head by a hair. a hair... a. hair.

🡪 poor you... you almost dropped your art things on the floor and fainted right after that.

keiji: not that high, bokuto-san. you almostt hurt (s/n)-san.

(s/n): actually... you almost obliterated my vice president, (y/f/n).

🡪 you were, by all means of surprise, a forgiving type of person, so you kindly and simply brushed it off with a shy wave of dismissal and a smile.

(y/n): no, it's fine! in fact, it kinda impressed me that it can go that fast and strong. er, good job!

🡪 let's just say, the volleyball captain became very fond of you at the very instant.

🡪 and his vice captain? he's intrigued, to say the least.

🡪 after one strenous match (that scared you most of the time and had to shift multiple times), they finally had a break. your senpai walked over to kotaro and chatted with him, shooting the breeze as the other players attended to their needs.

🡪 while the game was nearing to an end earlier, you finally moved to the most comfortable spot: almost to the corner, underneath a window. you set your artist's satchel beside you in peace (at last) and made new sketches that were inspired by your new surroundings: the court ceilings, the net from your perspective, the rapid movement of rubber shoes, the accelerated ball and it's awesome momentum.

🡪 you were having your own fun in your own newfound place, and you like the fact you had something new to draw about.

🡪 now, during the ten-minute break, keiji akaashi, the vice captain, noticed that you were gone... well, that was until he saw you sitting by yourself.

🡪 you were sitting cross-legged; your sketchpad on your lap; your mechanical pencil scraping the paper as it draws; your head bending down with your eyes focused on the task at hand.

🡪 keiji walked over to you quietly, making sure his tall presence won't startle you. but since you were so immersed, you didn't even pay any attention to anything else. so, he stood before you, bent over, and looked down at your sketchpad.

keiji: it's really pretty.

🡪 you almost threw your pencil five feet in the air from the sudden, accidental scare.

(y/n): oh, um... thanks... but does it really?

keiji: yeah.

🡪 from then on, you and keiji hang out like good buddies every other time after his practice and after your duties in the art club were done for the day.

🡪 however, on one hand, it would be you who would come by the court and proceed with your habit to sketch the surroundings. but, on the other hand, it would keiji who would finish early and drop by the art club (without announcing his presence because of his frequent visits), watching you work behind your back as you work on an easel or laptop (for digital arts).

🡪 of course, during the times you two would spend the time, keiji would give you meaningful advice on how to make your pieces more attractive and more aesthetic-looking.

🡪 surprisingly, they worked so well! in fact, so well that your (s/n) would tease you about keiji being the better mentor than themselves.

(s/n): i guess (y/n)-chan doesn't need me at all... she had found a better teacher... much worse, he's in the volleyball club. oh, the horror!

(y/n): but you taught me the fundamentals, though... senpai, you're being melodramatic again.

🡪 in case you haven't noticed it yet, you're the type of artist who can quickly adapt to another artstyle without sacrificing your own. you are a fast learner type and that was because you believe improvement knows no speed.

🡪 you always work hard to make your pieces expressive, eloquent, and emotional. with your ardent passion to adapt to functional styles, it's no wonder why you can cope up with keiji's suggestions without thinking about it.

🡪 keiji, in turn, would be surprised. but he would only retain that notion only to himself. he couldn't bear to admit that verbally.

🡪 he's not big on evoking emotions or feelings easily; he prefers to keep a calm, relaxing, and unmoving personality everytime he's around crowds.

🡪 but there was one thing he couldn't do: he couldn't stop his own eyes from expressing from what he truly felt in the inside.

🡪 whenever he saw you drawing something that seemed better than he liked it to be, keiji would give you a nod of his head and simply motioned for you to continue with a wave of his hand. but then you would give him a quick-second glance, and his eyes said, 'it's really amazing. please do more'.

🡪 other times, when you eagerly show him your work, a side of his lips would tug slightly upwards. but it would quickly disappear as it appeared. you didn't fail to spot it, though, and you felt super proud you're able to make keiji elicit an expression of happiness.

🡪 so, one day... your art teacher dropped the bomb: you, art students of the art club, have to draw still-life.

🡪 but not just any still life. no, it had to be still life with the theme, "classically contemporary".

🡪 well... well.. you need to think fast or else your grades will drop to a 'c-' or a 'b+'. and you're a straight 'a+' student in arts, so you can't let this drop-

keiji: what's going on with that head of yours?

🡪 you're hanging out in the court this time, and keiji was on a break (thank heavens; kotaro just made them run twenty-five laps around the gym as 'cool down').

🡪 you explained you thick dilemma and keiji said you shouldn'y overthink it too much because that'll "bench you out until the time is up".

🡪 you took his solemn advice with a grain of salt and thought it through as the second round of practice commenced. before you knew it, you finally made your decision and you're excited to keiji about it.

🡪 but the question is: would he like it?

(y/n): akaa-

keiji: keiji.

(y/n): um, keiji! i finally know what i'm going to do!

keiji: good. can you tell me what it is, then?

(y/n): can you be my model?

🡪 him? akaashi keiji? a model? for someone's project? esepcially that 'someone' was you?

🡪 gosh, he really didn't know how to respond, so he just simply looked at you with the most unreadable face ever. it made you contemplate if you had upset him or something...

(y/n): keiji... um, you know... it's fine if you don't want to my subject. i can just go and ask some of my other friends if they want.

🡪 next day rolled around and you still haven't asked any of your friends yet. that's because you had a hunch they had found their own models and muses in the earliest nick of time.

🡪 sad to be you right now.

🡪 so while the others were working with their newfound partners, you were simply minding your own business by setting the 'still life' background/setting of your work, thinking it might lighten the load while you're still looking for the right person.

(s/n): (y/n).

(y/n): y-yeah? senpai?

(s/n): why is keiji dressed like he's about to revive a shogunate?

🡪 good lord.

🡪 it had to be kotaro's idea.

🡪 it just had to be.

🡪 akaashi-freaking-keiji cannot just waltz inside the art studio dressed in a yukata with a semi-real sword strapped across his waist. no, no, no, no, nope-

🡪 it looked so out of his element, to be honest. like... he wasn't born to wear it because his face conveyed the most unamused expression to ever live. he looked like he was forced to get inside the costume. but how could anyone coerce this serious man to even wear that?

🡪 but you know what?

🡪 he looked really dashing, to be honest.

🡪 really, really dashing.

(s/n): ... this is the art studio, not the drama theater.

keiji: i know. i'm here for (y/n)...

🡪 did. you. hear. that. right?

🡪 or what he just said rendered you deaf?

🡪 anyways, anyways, anyways. here's the breakdown of how the hell akaashi keiji ended up wearing a yukata with the matching sword.

🡪 he admitted to kotaro that you asked him to be your model. kotaro nearly gave him the most memorable slap ever because he lowkey rejected you. as his punishment, kotaro got in contact with one of the drama peeps he's friends with and ordered to his friend the most amazing yukata they have in the closet with matching sword. (so it was definitely his idea; no wonder why akaashi looked slightly pissed). while akaashi thought it was a waste of time and called kotaro out for being impulsive, he also thought... what's the freaking big deal?

🡪 what is he overthinking about? there's nothing to put his mind heavily on the matter. the only thing he's going to do is sit still and look handsome for the artist. is that the hardest job in the world?

🡪 his answer came to him when he sat down on a stool and posed for (y/n): it's not the hardest job at all. besides, he's not always on energizer bunnies and he's barely hyper when he's sitting down. so... i think he's doing a great job~

🡪 (y/n), in turn, is having the best fun of her life.

🡪 she's sketching one of her bosom friend for one her important projects.

🡪 she's taking her sweet, sweet, sweet time sketching keiji on the digital easel and before they both knew it, the draft was done!

🡪 it only took them seven hours, though.

🡪 keiji missed his volleyball practice and it was past their curfews.

🡪 but neither of them mind. while some students really did stay put (wow, the dedication), keiji and (y/n) decided to go home at once.

🡪 but only after keiji changed into his uniform again.

🡪 he cannot be seen in a yukata.

🡪 his dignity relies on his appearance somehow.

🡪 once he's done, both of them walked home since their houses were just walking distances.

(y/n): you actually looked really nice in the yukata, keiji.

keiji: thank you, (y/n). although it was just forced on me.

(y/n): nonetheless, you appeared very dream-like back there.

🡪 something blossomed in keiji's chest. was it deep appreciation for the meaningful compliments? was it earnest regard to how he had behaved and look for your project? whatever it is... he's not going to deny it in any way. but then again, he's not going to say anything about it.

keiji: is that so?

(y/n): gosh, yes! you're a lifesaver back there, you know.

🡪 you spent the night polishing the whole thing and it continued for the rest of the week.

🡪 keiji, being an understanding and considerate type, didn't step in your way except when to remind you about eating lunch and going home earnestly.

keiji: (y/n), eat your lunch first.

keiji: (y/n), brush your hair before sitting down.

keiji: (y/n), time to go home.

keiji: (y/n), rest your eyes.

🡪 one week after your final draft, you passed it to your teacher just in time.

🡪 of course, to compensate to keiji's volunteerism and efforts to keep you alive (barely) last week, you treated to lunch on you.

keiji: i have my own bento, (y/n).

(y/n): but mine has more meat than that,

keiji: ... fine. let me have it, please.

🡪 after a hearty lunch, keiji walked you to the art club. (of course, there was no competition but the grades matter-)

sensei: all of your artworks deserve to be in a museum. but, to be honest, out of the rest, i think (y/n)'s piece deserved a seat right next to da vinci's.

🡪 god bless keiji for being there or else you could have lost all senses then gained a concussion from fainting.

🡪 your still life, turned out, to be the one that stood out the most.

sensei: how did you pull this off, (y/n)? who... who taught you?

🡪 you squinted at your work and noticed the changes you never paid attention to at all. while you retained your own original art style of 'still life', there were some compositions that seemed brand new.

(y/n): keiji-kun taught me.

🡪 you said it with so much pride that keiji actually smiled.

🡪 smiled.

🡪 he smiled the most genuine smile he could ever muster.

🡪 (damn, kotaro is missing in action right now.)

🡪 you got the highest grade among your classmates + your (s/n) congratulated you wholeheartedly. they even said, "you might even be the next president in the art club!"

🡪 you laughed and accepted their compliment.

keiji: maybe next time, you should draw me in a hakama.

🡪 now, should you? only kotaro knows the answer.

❛ 𑁍 note (ii): y’all want actual fanfic of this thing??? dm me/ask me, comment and reblog this, then, so i would know. hope you like this~

#haikyuu #haikyuu x reader #akaashi keiji #keiji akaashi #keiji x reader #akaashi x reader #haeyllasephone req

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theaestheticaddict2 · 6 years ago

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Why are kids so depressed?

I hear this question a lot, news articles, family members, television. People really can’t seem to get their head around it.

To me though the answer is clear.

Being a teenager myself I can tell you that the issues we face are very real. You might laugh or think i’m being naive. Maybe I am. I can’t say i’ve travelled the world, had a full time job, or even voted. I can however, say that I know enough to say that I understand why kids are so depressed.

Now I don’t mean to be insensitive, because when I say depressed, I don’t mean diagnosed depression that people need treatment for. I mean only to explain the words that articles use to describe us: ‘Braindead’, ‘Mopey’, ‘Too serious’, ‘Over-sensitive’.

My first point: I’d say I say about 11 or 12 when I first learnt about the dangers of climate change, and to me, it was intruiging. I was facinated with natural disaters and space and, honestly, still am. My point being though, is that when i was 11 years old I was told about this problem that would have impact on my life but also told, that I couldn’t fix it.

If you were to ask my parents, grandparents when did they first hear about climate change. I can gurantee that they weren’t that young.

So my first point: us ‘kids’ are given life threatening worries before we are even classified as a ‘teenager’.

My second point: Technology is pretty cool right? I admit that I am very much attached to my mobile phone, as are most teenagers. So much so that were lablled ‘Braindead’ and ‘Socially awkward’. An honestly technology probably has made my generation ‘Socially awkward’ and a bit too reliant on our phones. Yet the part I feel unfair is that we get the blame for it.

Did us ‘kids’ invent smart phones? No. We just take advantage of what we have. I’m sure if you were born in times like these then you’d be exactly the same.

You have no idea how much I wish I was born in another era, an era without technolgy. Unfortuantely though I must learnt to navigate my way through an unforgiving world.

Which brings me to my next point: Unattainable expectations.

I talk to my grandfather and the things he tells me seem so alien.

When he was my age he had a car, a job, a few years till he could afford a house, marry, have a child. Yet for us ‘kids’ all of that seems very much out of reach.

Here is how those things seem to me: I need a job to get a car, so i apply for many jobs yet get none of them. So a car is defintely not an option at this age. In my future if i want a house, a car, a nice life then i need a decent job. To get a decent job though, in an over populated world like mine, you must be the best. That means a degree, to get a degree you need to go to university, to go to university you need money, to get money you need a job or risk thousands in debt until you’re thirty. Also, did i mention that you need perfect grades? I should of mentioned that seeing as it was drilled into us ‘kids’ since the day we began high school, as well as everything else above. “If you don’t get good grades you won’t have a good life”. Even then, I probably won’t be able to buy a house until mid-thirties.

So. I hope that from that shambles of words above you can see what i am trying to say. Maybe i will look back on this in a few years and truly belive that this is childish and silly. But to us ‘kids’ right now these are worries that plauge us all of the time. So why are kids so depressed?

Because to us, the world isn’t a place where we really want to be.

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illustriousminds · 2 years ago

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checking in

it’s november 16th 2022 today. i’m proud of how far i’ve come and how much i’ve endured. it’s changed me but i wouldn’t have it any other way. cliche, but there’s a reason it’s a cliche. life just happens. it’s different for everyone and everyone has their own path in life, and events/things that shape who they are. we do the best with the cards we’re dealt.

my cat passed away on january 20th 2022. it was the hardest thing i had to do. he was such a good boy and deserved so much better. it was my own incompetence that got him sick. i’d been feeling enormous amounts of guilt over this. i can’t help but think how he’d be alive and healthy if someone else had adopted him besides me. he deserved a long and happy life. now is about the time when he got sick last year. i’m starting to tear up just typing this out. i really miss him. i’m at a place now where i can look past this stuff and just remember the good memories. before, the only memories that would come up in my mind were the memories of when he was sick or of when i had to put him down. i still cry sometimes, not as much as i used to. even towards the end, he never stopped being that curious and loving cat i knew. i’m just glad that he was able to rest.

i work an office job now. i dislike it a lot. it’s something that i’d dreamed about having and always chased. even if it was some expectation that was placed on me by my parents/society, i still wanted to reach that goal. it’s what i’d been working towards. i didn’t have the motivation out of college because i was learning to survive on my own. thankfully covid freed up my time and i decided to go for it. it was fine at first. but with anything in life, it got dull over time. the journey is better than the destination! i just didn’t expect adult life to be like this. the spongebob episodes about boring adult life were SPOT ON accurate haha. part of me thinks that i was happier working those dinky restaurant jobs. at least there, the people are honest and genuine. office culture is so wack. i’m tired of saying the same empty platitudes every day. hi, good morning, how are ya, good. bleh. no one likes working (only the weirdos do), it’s the fulfillment you get from other things that make adult life worthwhile. still searching for that though. until then, existential dread here i come!!! oh, one of my coworkers who’s this 50 yr old japanese woman has lowkey been flirting with me???? she’s always coming into my office to talk to me. like a month ago, she told me she had a dream about me. ????? she said i brought her flowers. don’t know how to handle that haha. i got her flowers for her birthday yesterday just cause i felt kinda obligated to. i mean she’s cute and i like her style but i mean cmon. an actual cougar. be gone!!!

on that note, i’ve been actively dating for the last month or so. i’ve gone on dates with three different people in the last month. i learned a lot about myself from these dates, which i’m grateful for. i’ve gone out on two dates with this very cute person, alysa! i really feel like there’s something special there. they’re nonbinary, which is something i’m new to. i’m still getting adjusted, i just really hope i don’t mess up their pronouns or something asfghasijkfghasf. i think they’d be understanding though. can’t just undo that type of hard wiring overnight. ANYWAYS they are SO cute!! i love hearing them talk about the things that make them happy. i love their style, tattoos, and hair a lot! short haired goth women with tattoos is *chefs kiss*. they’re super motivated and hardworking which i love. i mean that’s just human nature to be attracted to people like that. which does make me wonder what they see in me! i’m so unmotivated and complacent and i defintely come across as such. maybe i’ll ask them haha. but....i made a stupid mistake and basically sexually assaulted them at the end of our second date. they invited me over to their place after drinks/food so they could enter grades for work. we had smoked just before. i acted out of anxiety - i literally didn’t know what to do with myself so i just kinda threw myself at them. i would’ve been happy with just a kiss that night. they seem to be okay with it. i’m not. i thought i was better. weed turns me into a demon. i shouldn’t even say that. it just brings out the real me. i need to be better. all that being said, we have a third date planned out. so at least they’re still interested. that night when i left, even with everything that happened, they still gave me such a long & loving hug with some kissies kuekuekue. i guess i have some sort of redeeming qualities. the first date was very weird. we went to frightfest on halloween. it was cold and raining. second date was much better - i feel like we really connected there. i have high expectations (regrettably), and i hope this doesn’t end up hurting me if it doesnt work out. regardless, i’m looking forward to see where this goes. either way, i’ll have learned a lot about myself.

it’s always nice to feel wanted. i had a hard time getting over the fact that anyone could find me lovable. it’s still something i struggle to fully understand, but, i’ve really drilled down hard on learning to love myself and accept myself as i am, flaws and everything! my work friend, adriana has been such a good friend to me. she’s given me such good wisdom and advice on just how to approach life and how to view things through a positive lense. just hearing how much she’s had to endure in her life and then seeing how happy and cheerful of a person she is now is really inspiring. she’s kind of been like my therapist. i feel bad, but i think she enjoys imparting her wisdom haha. the past is the past! live in the present.

a lot of my issues really do come from loneliness - but i think i’ve come to accept it. even reading back on some of the old posts here, they all mention how being lonely has been so painful. i feel okay with it now. i’m self sufficient. in my mind, i still romanticize the idea of being this super social person with lots of friends and being a person that is outgoing and easy to get along with. recently though as i’m starting to move on from cat’s death, i feel myself becoming that type of person again.

i’m dying my hair plat blonde tomorrow! i’m nervous and excited. i’m starting to feel like myself again and wanted to do something spontaneous. hopefully it looks cool on me. oh i grew my hair out during quarantine. it was cool. i liked having a lil bun. long hair is a lot to manage and is so cumbersome though.

i’m seeing my sister for thanksgiving in a week. while i’ve been grieving cat i’ve really neglected family. maria says she understands which is nice. i just wish i could be a better brother and son. end of the day, family is all i have. i need to be more appreciative of that fact.

okay! that’s really all i have. that’s just the stuff that’s on my mind currently. i feel free.

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bijelo9 · 6 years ago

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I’m me (And that’s complicated)

I’m me.

But it isn’t that simple.

I’m Asexual.

I’ve know this was a part of who I am for at least 6 years. Known the term for about 4, but didn’t really identify myself with it till 2 years ago. I’m just not interested, don’t feel a pull or anything (and I doubt I ever will). Never got what hot means.Never imagined myself wanting it. I have imagined doing it for someone I love. I’ve read stuff about it and it’s kinda fascinating but is weird as well. Exists but is seperate from me. Not that interested but curious, it’s emphasised alot my society after all. I just don’t get sexual attraction and never have.

Once I figured that out it was simple enough. But the process wasn’t.

Reaching this point were I identify as ace and feel comfortable as doing so was abit complicated.I first realised there was something different about how I felt late high school. It was small things, snatches of converstaions, jokes that went over my head. I was a year younger and on the outskirts of my grade so didn’t conciously notice or worry. I was pretty baffled when mum said “I don’t mind if like girls” (or something similiar) while hanging up the washing one day. I have no idea how I responded, I was in my late teens (17-19) at this point and the thught of being interested in people in that way hadn’t even occured to me.Being to actually notice people my age in relationships. Not getting why people dressed in revealing clothes or went out regularly. I discovered the word asexual as something that connected with me while reading fanfic. I connected with it and down the interent rabbit hole I went. Emerged knowing I was, not yet comfortable with more questions.

I’m Aromantic.

Never got romance or interested in it either. Read a romance series (Twilight) because I wanted to know what the fuss was about, didn’t enjoy it or get it. Got to an age where book characters at the same point were in romantic relationships or wanting to be so, thought the authors were exagerrating. Thinking I’m a year younger it’ll come later when I noticed people in my grade having a boy/girlfriend. Never came. Eventually came to realise most people are in or want to be in a romantic relationship. I don’t.

Had a conversation with some other girls on a camp while at uni. Started dicussing romance all were in or wanted to be in a romantic relationship. I didn’t. First I really conciously realised it and I said it aloud. That was hard. They accepted and validated it apart from a “you won’t/migh not always feel that way” comments thrown in. This drastically reduced the teasing about me and a guy who I’d been grouped with alot liking each other. While trying to figure it out I picked a guy and girl I was somewhat close to and seriously considered what i felth for them. Both times I concluded that I just felt friendship. Around this point I’d realised I was defintely not straight and when discovering a christian group I was part of was very homophobic, I slowly spilt from them. I knew I was ace and thought I was somewhere on the aro spectrum at this point.

Then in my last semester at uni a male friend asked me to a movie. I kinda panicked. It was the first obvious sign of interested someone had expressed in me. I grabbed Mum(who knew I was ace) and she helped calm me down. I decided to assume it was platonic unless obviously not. Wasn’t quite sure how to tell though. Before the movie came my birthday. He sent me a long heartfelt message where he confessed he had romantic feelings towards me. I again panicked, considered a bit and responded saying “I like you but as a friend, but think it could become more and would like to explore the possibility.” I’d clearly missed most of the signs. He responded the next day and it was pretty clear I’d broken his heart. I hated that I had and promptly responded with a much longer message. I opened up a lot in it and basically said I didn’t know if I was aro or not yet without using the label. He response was amazing and respectful. We went on a few dates and once I got over the awkwardness enjoyed getting to know him better. On our third we ended up having a very long and deep conversation about ourselves and I described my feelings towards romance and sex. He actually asked if I was asexual. I knew i was one both the aro and ace spectrums somewhere and said that. Again very accepting which was great. I really enjoyed the closeness and support the relationship provided. He helped me a lot and said that I did so fro him too. But as the relationship developed and became more romantic, I gradually started becoming more and more uncomfortable. Though I loved him I wasn’t in love with him and this was hard to realise. A few months into the relationship we had our first kiss, I was very uncomfortable and somewhat repulsed by the action. It had nothing to do with him as a person. I was definitely not keen on trying again. That fact that I was about to move states changed things a bit. Changing to long distance helped me to manage the uncomfortableness a little. But the feeling of not rightness and being uncomfortable still grew. Eventually I broke up with him because of it. I thought this would result in losing my deepest friendship and was distraught. He felt similarly and though it’s been tricky at times we’ve kept that friendship. It’s become one of my most significant and important relationships.

I came to terms with being aromantic. I’m just not attracted to people romantically. Don’t want that type of relationship or feel that way. Sometimes the prevalence of romance in society grates on me and becomes too much. Sometimes I can appreciate it and kinda enjoy it and that others experience it. But I don’t feel it and want people to respect that. When I say I’m not interested I’m okay to answer questions but don’t push. That won’t make it change. It’s part of who I am.

I’m Agender/flux.

I’m AFAB but was never that feminine, didn’t connect with it much. I wasn’t that masculine or tomboyish either.I was just me. This result in some interesting things. When I was really young I requested a pink Tonka truck for Christmas, my parents actually managed to find me a pink construction truck! I had both dolls and Lego(both standard and feminine). I loved a tonka construction computer game. I wore tshirts and shorts as often as dresses and had some clothes that were pretty androgynous. My hair was never much longer than shoulder length. As I grew I was never really comfortable with my breast or showing cleavage and still aren’t. Towards the end of high school I got the pair of uniform pants (rarely worn by girls) and wore them often. My fashion style was never that feminine. Cut my hair short just after high-school and it hasn’t been longer than my chin since, mostly in pixie cuts or similar now.

Girl is a label that frequently doesn’t feel right for me, but boy isn’t any better. Same with man or women. Some days one set will definitely feel wrong(more obvious when it’s female ones doing so). And it oscillates as to which one sits slightly better. I’m basically agender but can lean slightly towards either gender or both some days. I try to reflect that in the way i look now.

This part of my identity is the newest and most complex. The fact that it slowly changes is confusing. And gender is more fundamental and obvious and affects me and my interactions with society more. It’s also the one I’m least open about. Only one person knows about it currently. Multiple people know I’m aro/ace even if I haven’t used the labels to explain it. I wear an ace ring and have a tshirt and hoodie representing my aro and ace identities respectively. I’ve mostly accepted those parts of me. Haven’t got as far with the being agender. It’s newer and affects my identity and my feelings about myself more. Being aromantic affects my interactions with society quite a bit. And they are all intertwined. As I found one label it helped me pick out and identify feelings that I associate more with another part and led me in questioning the other parts of me. They intertwine and intermingle complicating each other.

I’m me. All of these are parts of me. They are both simple and complicated and multifaceted. They combine to make a large part of my identity. That part of complex and that’s me and I’m mostly okay with that.

#aromantic #asexual #agender #agenderflux #identity

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the--concertmaster · 7 years ago

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Mormon Headcanons

Ok... So since I literally needed only one person to be interested in hearing my headcanons, I’m gonna post them! Thanks @bookofbway!

Alright... I’m gonna start with James Church, because he doesn’t get enough love.

THIS IS GONNA START OF REAL SAD.

James wasn’t originally a Mormon, since due to his upbringing, I seriously doubt his parents were Mormons.

His mum died when he was still young, (probably about 10) from something unrelated to his dad, a car accident or something. (I’m sorry!)

Afterwords, due to the shock of losing his wife, his dad went sober and tried to concentrate on bringing his son up right.

James never forgave his father for the way he treated him and his mother.

Mormon missionaries came knocking at their house one day, and James chose to convert as he found it comforting the idea that his mother had went to a better place and that in latter days he could spend eternity with her.

He also liked the idea of going on a mission to help others, and also liked the idea of being able to get away from his dad for 2 years.

James was a track runner at school, and although he was sporty, found his passion more in the arts.

He is an amazing sketch artist and enjoys writing short stories and poetry.

He’s more serious and sombre than the other Mormon’s in Ugnada, but tries to act cheerful and bright (and turn it off).

He really liked Chris, because he felt he could relate to him since Chris had lost his sister. (also Poptarts was extremely adorable.)

He has messy black hair, and wears large square framed glasses.

Is the tallest and strongest out of all the Missionaries in Uganda. OK! Now for poptarts

Enjoys dancing as it’s his way of remembering and commemorating his sister.

Has an extreme fear of his friends and family dying on him.

Will never end a conversation on a negative note and always tries to say goodbye to his friends and family when leaving, just in case he never sees them again.

Loves everything sweet.

Poptarts was his sisters favourite food.

He has no formal dance training, but is quite good since his sister taught him how too (and then Mckinley afterwords)

He originally had a crush on his Mission Companion, Elder Mckinley, before he started to develop feelings for James Because James listened to him and understood his pain of loosing his sister rather than just telling him to turn it off. (Also James was hot af, and muscular and...)

He’s definitely the shortest and cutest of all the Elders

He has a Teddy bear that he took with him to Uganda, and will protect at all costs.

He loves looking at James art and reading his stories.

He is Bi (and no-one can tell me otherwise) MCKINLEY!!!!!!

Ok so, Mckinley defintely is the eldest child with 2 younger sisters, so he knows how to be authoritative and control and lead people.

He took tap classes, literally right up to the time where he left for Uganda.

His sisters were somewhat jealous that Connor is a better dancer than them.

But his sisters also stood up for him to his arents and peers saying that pink is a perfectly normal colour for a boy to like and that they should break gender stereotypes and stop calling him gay. Connor appreciates them for this.

He was definitely bullied in year 5 for how close he was to his friend Steve and all through highschool people would accuse him of being gay.

He started dating a female friend of his, to try to make others believe that he was straight. The relationship didn’t last very long though.

He totally got all the lead roles in the school plays, and sometimes did performance is the Community theatre musicals.

He is an excellent singer and had also taken vocal lessons from a young age.

He was also a very strong leader within theatre groups he was part off and often organised mini performances around their community with them.

Connor may seem friendly and nice, but don’t ever cross him or undermine his authority, he will wring your neck.

He’s never seen a prettier Boy with more perfect hair than Elder Price.

It broke his heart to have to ditch Elder Price in Uganda and leave with Elder Cunningham and the other Elder’s, but since he was pushing down his emotions, and trying to be a good Mormon on his Mission it’s what he choose to do.

He cared more about making the other Elder’s happy, and creating a friendly community among them, than converting the Africans, thus why they literally had no baptisms.

As soon as they went off-grid with their mission, he immediately got a TV and gaming system installed withing their lodging to entertain the Elders.

Him and Poptarts crush at Just Dance.

He literally holds a karaoke night once a month at the Missionary.

He was actually very surprised (and pleased) to find out Elder Price was gay

Once he did come out completely, he was very open with his affections towards Kevin (which Kevin often got embarrased about)

Falsettos is totally his favourite musical. He especially loves Whizzer. ALRIGHT! ARNOLD CUNNINGHAM

Always had the best imaginative writing at school.

Writes a ton of Fanfiction, and reads them too.

Has heaps of OC’s.

Bit of a loner at school too, never really had any friends.

Extremely popular online though.

Had a huge Tumblr following on his blogs about Star Wars, LOTR etc.

Has heaps of Fan theories too.

Totally Vlogs.

Cosplays as well. Goes to all the conventions.

Dreams of being able to go to San Diego Comic Con

He has Irlens Syndrome, which is one of the reasons why he didn’t read the Book of Mormon, becuase it was actually difficult for him to read it.

His father literally thinks of him as a freak due to all his obsessions and fanboying.

His mother dotes on him though and adores him for the person he is.

He always wants his fathers approval though, which is why he decided to go on a mission.

He genuinely wants to do good in the world and make others happy, and will do anything to help others, even if he doesn’t get anything from it.

He forces Kevin to Cosplay with him on Halloween. He goes as Han Solo and Kevin goes as Luke Skywalker.

He holds a halloween party and costume party in Uganda for all the Elders and Africans.

He also makes a Leia costume for Naba, which she loves, despite not really knowing too much about Star Wars.

All the Elders end up loving the little quirks about Arnold in the end, and have a great deal of Respect for him, since he’s so kind hearted.

He’s never been happier than he was in Uganda.

He still admires and loves Kevin after everything they went through. AND FINALLY THE MOST PERFECT MAN ON EARTH (AND I WILL FIGHT PEOPLE OVER THIS) KEVIN PRICE. I literally love him so much though.

Kevin grew up in a really strict household.

He’s the second oldest of all his siblings, with an older sister and three younger brothers.

He always feels that he has to compete against his siblings to be seen as the best, and to do so, tried to do literally nothing wrong.

His favourite sibling is his Brother Jack, who is just a year younger than him, because Jack worships and admires Kevin and he rather likes that. He also still feels super guilty for blaming him for eating that donut

Him and all his siblings all took piano lesson.

Kevin is actually very good at piano, but not as good as his older sister, which always really bugged him because he wanted to be the best at everything.

Straight A student.

Literally had no time for relationships throughout school since he was too busy trying to make everyone like him, as well as being a good mormon, getting good grades, playing piano well.

Didn’t realise till he was in Uganda that he was gay.

He never really though about relationships, or had sexual thoughts till he was in Uganda since he was always so busy.

He had a very meticulously planned schedule.

He absolutely adores everything Disney and Pixar, loves happy endings and cries every time Mufasa dies.

His favourite Movie is actually Toy Story, since he finds Woody relatable.

Reads all Arnolds fanfictions. Feruses to admit that he actually enjoys them.

Actually loves and respects his best friend, Arnold, since he truly hasn’t ever had a true best friend before.

Sings disney songs during Mckinley’s Karaoke nights.

Everyone is shocked that Kevin can sing.

Kevin is shocked by his own singing voice.

He loves how touchy Mckinley is, but is a little embarrassed by it.

Absolutely adores Mckinley for everything he is.

Once he realised he was gay, was actually reasonably open about it, since he never really understood why it was bad withing mormonism anyway.

Takes hour long showers to make sure his hair is perfect

Loves dogs. Like really loves dogs OK! SO THOSE ARE MY HEADCANONS ON THE ELDERS!

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ashnakhanal · 4 years ago

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Making fun v/s bullying; know the difference

While making fun of someone is in your commune or group or people whom you are okay with after knowing them or even after thinking okay fine they just meant to have some smile or most importantly they were bored, had nothing to do and got bored to study or so and for time being kind of made fun, joked around, fooled around being near their seats or whatever that part is okay, that's chill, I think that for some times is cool also.

But, where the problem arises is when it is not limited to just making fun but takes the form of bullying itself. Bullying as I get it is not really like making fun as you bully someone way out of your commune, where you just laugh at them just like that and you may not even support them at their bad times or even bother to think about them even later on in life. You just think ya we used to make fun of him or her, and here you don't really care of that individual even if they try to do some good things. You happen to criticize them, and you're like whatever.

And the most irritating and crappiest part of bullying which signifies it being different than that of simply making fun is that it happens in a daily basis, you who is being bullied will feep crap, people laughing at you and people seeing you as something and on top of that you who is being bullied is not being able to speak up for yourself and someone else has to speak up for you is actually totally frustrating. Here is the also one of the point where you believe and trust less to a certain group of people for me at one point i thought boys are boys because at that one point it was boys who were like that, and no not jusf one boy or two boys but quite some and so well... and later on when no one even makes fun of you then maybe at certain point you might have felt of being worthy of being made fun of as well but at the same time after some time when things change and then no one even makes fun of you and not just bullies you then you feel worthless as you want to be laughed at as this had been a kind of almost everyday or atleast over time thing. And well if at some point even if some boys kind of bullied or made fun of you and a girl kindly compliments you for maybe some work or effort then also you are seriously confused because you don't really believe in compliments. Well for compliments I wouldn't exactly blame the making fun thing or bullying but if it was about some projects or something then you are like what because of your lower grades that make you feel like just oh ok, you liled my classwork/ homework/ project or whatever it is but I don't score good gradea like you all anyway thing in your head.

So, basically just laughing along sometimes and making fun occasionally is okay but when that takes form or when that is meant to hurt people's sentiments and feelings without giving a damn about them and over time and again, then I think that is what bullying is which I think not only makea you feel worthless later on but also might also contribute to have suicidal thoughts in these people. So basically it may or may not affect right then and there but that I think defintely affects at some point or the other in their lives which could also contribute to anger and violence issues as per my thought, knowledge and well experience.

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scmcpheeters · 8 years ago

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End of Term 1 & A Trip to Victoria Falls

Well, the end of my first term teaching has come and gone, and I've had the luxury of being able to relax for the last 2 weeks, and still have a couple more to get things sorted out before the start of the next round. I spent about a week travelling with fellow PCVs up around Victoria Falls (or Mosi-oa-Tunya - The Smoke That Thunders, as I recall the translation). We spent 3 nights in Zimbabwe in the town of Victoria Falls and 2 in Livingstone on the Zambia side, plus a day on either side taking a bus for literally 20+ hours each way to and from Windhoek (it definitely wasn't the highlight of the trip). I'll just describe the trip briefly, for now, since I don't have access to the bandwidth necessary to post photos, which I know are all people REALLY want to see of vacations. It'll suffice to say that the falls are beautiful and, more importantly, astonishingly impressive. Not only are they massive in the sense of the width of the Zambezi River where it spills over the cliffs, but the shear volume of water passing through them is colossal, and especially difficult to fathom for someone now used to living in desert environments. I can't help thinking that the sight of so much moving fresh-water would give some members of Grunau community a heart attack. In any case, the areas immediately adjacent to the falls are essentially in perpetual mist and rainfall, to the point that there is moss growing on many of the walkways under an ever-shifting layer of water. The days spent in Victoria Falls, Zimbabwe, were especially nice as it is a true tourist town, meaning a whole lot of western-style fare (in terms of food), which, I think is, something we PCVs were all missing. And, to avoid disappointing those visitors who are looking for something a little more exotic, there were places with various game meats (including crocodile) from the region. Livingstone, on the Zambian side, is more removed from the falls and is clearly a town with a more diverse economy than that of Victoria Falls, and so had a very different feel to it. There's probably a lot to do there, as well, but since our group got our more exciting activities out of the way while in Zimbabwe (e.g. bungee jumping, zip lines, and the like) I found it somewhat less interesting. However, it was on the Zambian side that we were able to hike down to the base of the falls via a valley with a constructed rock stairwell, although the vantage point is shielded from view of any of the actual falls - we mostly gained another perspective of the bridge across the canyon defining the border between Zambia and Zimbabwe. It was defintely cool, though, to see all the turmoil and chaos in the water up close; I think I described it, at the time, as "a chaos theorist's wet dream," though, in truth, it may be more like a nightmare for someone in that field... In any case, it was just interseting, to me, to see the behavior so much moving water, especially in places where it was clear that an underwater current was surfacing, like a jet of water shooting up to the surface in the midst of the bulk of the flow moving perpendicular to it. Anyway, I'll save further description for when I can post a picture or video that will do a better job.

The real benefit of the vacation, though, was that it gave me time to reflect upon the first term, and volunteering thus far, in general, in the company of people who are going through similar experiences. That is to say that the first couple of days that we were all together involved a fair amount of mutual comiseration and complaining about issues we face at our sites and especially at our schools. Personally, I don't think that it's possible to regard my first term teaching as anything other than a failure, at least in terms of the most important aspect of my "project": teaching. There are a lot of potential explanations I can come up with to attempt to find reason for that failure, but the glaring fact is that the average grade in all of my maths classes from grade 4-7 was a U, meaning "Ungraded" - the equivalent of an F in the US. Part of this is that the learners in all of the grades are behind; there is simply no denying that, whatever their past grades have been, they did not know what they were expected to according to the national syllabus. However, that, alone, does not, in my mind, account for such widespread failure. I certainly taught difficult classes in which questions were never recycled; a situation which, based on my observations of other classes and their exams, is atypical, but clearly necessary if they are to actually learn the concepts being taught. It's possible that I was overly ambitious in my pace through the material given the fact that I could tell, from the beginning, that the learners were, on average, far behind where they should have been starting based on the syllabus; even though I was moving at a pace far slower than is required to make it through the syllabus, I could tell that at least some of the kids weren't keeping up.

Ultimately, the main issue is the lack of effort evident in most of the learners, which, I think, was not helped by my rapport with them or my attitude during classes, the latter of which was frequently exasperated, and often (more than I'd like, anyway) boiled over into anger. Despite my efforts at implementing structure to behavioral consequences, I was never able to establish order for long; in my mind, I was never able to get the learners to respect either me or the class, itself. The degree to which this was an issue varied by grade level, but it was an issue with all of them, and I think it is an area that I will focus on in the coming term, at least to start out. And, having already mentioned attitude, I think I'll have to change my approach to conflict resolution since my genetic predisposition to aggresssive verbal disdain doesn't seem to resonate so well. To start out, I think that explaining my expectations of the learners, both in terms of classwork and behavior, explicitly at the beginning of the term as well as the defined consequences of behavioral infractions will be a good start; this is something that I knew should have been done when first establsihing my relationship with the learners at the start of my first term, but it fell to the wayside in the flurry of schedule negotiating and rewriting and the subsequent late start to actual teaching. In retrospect, finding the time for it, then, would have been a wise decision; I suppose that, despite my experiences during Phase II (the integration period at the end of last year where I was not officially responsible for classes), I did not expect the natural state of things to be so grim.

In any case, though it is impossible for me to discern exactly what problems are at the heart of the term's performance, it is obvious that something needs to change. One thing at a time...

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mymagnificentself · 6 years ago

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im ????

so i drove my girl-friend and my guy-friend home after we got our grades for the written finals today,aaaand i was talking to them about getting my name legally changed and how its a process thats taking foreVER and it might become a bit of a problem if i want to apply for like that aprenticeship in about.. a week if my grade papers still have my own name on it..

and like we were talking about it and how its pissing me off that its taking so long amd all that bc i want my name proper on the report card if i apply for things; and then that fuCkEr said i should just "swallow my pride" and apply there with my dead name and change it later on and im just like???? exCuSE MOi??!

the reason i AM going through all of this trouble iS so that i WONT constantly have to out myself and have to explain and justify myself for my EXistEnCE to Random people, its not a matter of pride it's a matter of my entire existence being cONstaNtLY invalidated ALL the Fucking time and im SiCK oF it (and he is one of the few people who met me as magnus after id already started testosterone so with a fairly manly voice at least but he keeps misgendering me and shit like that in general being a bit ignorant)

aaaand then i was a bit more complaining about the process and how its taking ages and then my (proper) friend went i think thats right up discrimination (bc you do need am evaluation from 2 independent psychiatrists to prove that you Really Are trans and it can cost a bloody FoRtuNE) and then he saod well its just not as common and accepted in society so they're trying to make it a bit less accessable and for if you have a lot of money

and like my good dude that's the very DEfiNtiON of discrimination

so i was a bit pissed about that and the whole sitiation in general so i just messaged him to maybe start some beef but mostly bc im also fucking curious as to what on earth he sees me as, so i asked him and then he just responded "a good friend" (male version of the word at least)

...

so like????? i mean thanks? but thats not what i was interested to hear?? does he know? is he aware and trying to divert the topic? i dont-...???? tf

#mags speaks

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deadgwen · 8 years ago

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IT IS A HAPPY 17TH BIRTHDAY TO THE BEST GOAT

@fucshias @jiilys MY LOVE GOATY. MY MOST BEAUTIFUL GOAT. MY SUN. MY STARS. MY BEAUTIFUL HOOVED CREATURE OF GOD. I HAVE ARRIVED TO SAY SOME IMPORTANT THINGS BUT FIRSTLY I LOVE YOU I LOVE I LOVE YOU U R READING THIS POST RIGHT NOW DUE TO A VERY IMPORTANT REASON AND THIS IMPORTANT REASON IS THAT

*CHOKES BACK TEARS*

IT IS UR BIRTHDAY.

*SCREAMING*

OK OKI DOKI BEFORE I START: I AM NOT ACTUALLY HERE BUT DO NOT BE D I S E N H E AR T E N E D BC I JUST DONT HAVE WIFI BUT I PROMISE U SOMEWHERE OUT THERE I AM SULKING AND FIGHTING A WALL AND ALSO SETTING OFF FIREWORKS BC !!!!!!!!!!!!! ITS UR FUCKING DAY AND IM SORRY I COULD NOT WISH U BUT I LOVE U SO SO SO SO SO SO SO MUCH I AM HERE W/ U IN SPIRIT

ALRIGHT ALRIGHT ALRIGHT TURN THE FUCK UP HAPPY FUCKING BIRTHDAY TO MY LOVE HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO U UR EXCELLENT AND I LOVE YOU AND ALSO WHAT THE FUCK BINCH HOW ARE U SEVENTEEN TODAY U ASSHOLE (COPYRIGHT U KNOW WHO) WHO ALLOWED U TO BE LIKE THIS AND ALSO I LOVE YOU. AND ALSO I CANT BELIEVE UVE DONE THIS. UR LITERALLY SEVENTEEN TODAY I AM NOT ALRIGHT AND I NEED U TO HOLD ME BECAUSE I AM GOING TO COME OVER AND FOR THE SOLE PURPOSE OF BEING A DRAMATIC BITCH I WILL FAINT IN UR ARMS I AM 100% NOT ALRIGHT

like,,,, HONESTLY u are so. fucking. great. WHERE DO I EVEN START.

FIRST AND FOREMOST I WANNA SAY I AM SO FUCKING EXCITED FOR THIS FOR UR BDAY I LOVE YOU GOATY I AM SO PUMPED THAT UR SO OLD ITS RIDICULOUS @ ME FUCK OFF ALRIGHT BUT. JUST. I LOVE I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU AND HAPPY BIRTHDAY U GOAT UR BEYOND INCREDIBLE

UR OFFICIALLY A DANCING QUEEN UR YOUNG AND SWEET. ONLY. *SMASHES OPEN MY WINDOW AT 12 MIDNIGHT* SEVENTEEEEEEEEEEEEEN

SO OH MY GOD. I AM CURRENTLY YELLING BECAUSE??????????? LIKE???????????????? YOU'RE SEVENTEEN??????? HOW DID WE EVEN COME TO THIS POINT ITS INSANE LIKE HOW THE FUCK ARE YOU SEVENTEEN WE'RE ALL JUST STILL TINY SMOLS WHERE ARE U GOING WHY ARE U GROWING OLDER STOP IT PLS ALRITE I DO NOT LIKE. MY PRECIOUS GOAT SUNSHINE WHO IS A PROFESSIONAL PAJAMA CONSULTANT A REAL SOLID BUSINESSWOMAN WHO DRIVES AND SHIT AND COULD PROBABLY RUN ME OVER AND IS 6'3 SO IF U WOULD SIT ON ME I WOULD MOST CERTAINLY DIE UR OFFICIALLY A DANCING QUEEN AND I AM CRYING

but in all seriousness I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU i am FOREVER AND EVER glad that i met u LIKE I FUCKIN HATE U GODMDAN FUCKIBG GOAT MAKING ME REBLOG THIGNS FUCK YUO FUCK O FF but like????? apart from that UR FUCKING BEYOND FABULOUS and i have decided to compile a list of reasons why u are unbelievably great and have earned ur title of being a dancing queen/brilliant goat/actual love of my life. bc u are excellent. AND IT MUST BE WRITTEN OUT HERE SOMEWHERE THAT I LOVE YOU.

OK OK OK SO HERE WE GO BINCHES. PREPARE URSELF. THIS IS GONNA BE SUPER LENGTHY BECAUSE I LOVE YOU A LOT AND I AM GONNA DO A 'ON THE JELLICOE ROAD' WORTHY REVIEW OF U BUT LIKE A SHITTIER VERSION SO U BETTER FUNKIN BUCKLE UP BITCH

LEZGO:

IS OBVIOSULY FABULOUS

IS A REAL LIFE GIRAFFE

WE ARE BLESSED TO HAVE ONE ROAM OUT OF CAPTIVITY LIKE............. WE ARE STRONGLY BLESSED

I CANNOT STRESS ENOUGH

CLAIMS TO HAVE 'barely any leg but a huge torso' and interpret this how u want bUT i just wanna say u r the most fucked up giraffe ever ok what the fuck WHO HURT YOU

apparently dis binch owns a bunny AND NEVER TOLD ME SHE DID

owns a problematic rabbit bc it pees everywhere

said problematic rabbit likes to pee everywhere so much its ridiculous it has no respect for the value of items of modern society and thus in my opinion should be sent to COURT

@ rabbit U NASTY OK PLS GET UR PRIORITIES SORTED???? THIS HAS BEEN A MOTHERFUCKING PSA THANK U (CAROLINE I AM TRUSTING YOU TO SHOW THIS ON UR PHONE TO THE GODDAMN BUNNY I NEED IT TO KNOW)

is 100% excellent at looking after drunk people ALRITE literally THIS WOMAN IS A SAINT who has saved REAL LIVES tbh where would that poor child from your old intermediate be if u hadn't SAVED HIS ENTIRE LIFE from all that tequila he would DEAD thats fuKCIN RIGHT U DESERVE ALL THE MEDALS A TRUE HERO AMONG NEW ZEALANDERS. A NATIONAL ICON. SO BRAVE I AM SO PROUD I LOVE YOU ALWAYS

AND ALSO PULLING DRUNK MAKING OUT PEOPLE OFF EACH OTHER I JUST WANT U TO KNOW THAT UR EFFORTS ARE SO VERY RECOGNIZED BECAUSE ONE TIME I DID THAT AND I GOT PUNCHED IN THE THROAT I THOUGHT I DIED BECAUSE I SAW JESUS BUT IT WASNT ACTUALLY JESUS IT WAS JUST A POSTER TAPED TO A FRIDGE I WAS SCAMMED

her own mum has called the police on her and was 100% ready for some quality fun family jailtime

ALSO ONE TIME GOATY ACCIDENTALLY FUCKED UP SOMEONES REAR MIRROR AND THE VICTIMS OF THE INCIDENT DID NOT GIVE HALF A FUCK HOWEVER, HER MOTHER GOATY REPORTED SEVERAL FUCKS TO THE POLICE AND FILED AN ACCIDENT REPORT AND THAT WAS THE DAY MY GOATY BECAME A DARK CRIMINAL

*OMINOUS MUSIC*

I AM STILL WAITING FOR THE DAY I WALK MY BUTT INTO COURT AGAINST UR MUM COVERED HEAD TO ASS IN $3 PLASTIC BRACELETS BACKED BY UR UNEXPECTEDLY KLEPTOMANIAC SISTER AND A BASKET OF STOLEN WOMANS DAYS AND ALONG WITH BLING BLING JIMMY WE WILL RESTORE THE RIGHTEOUSNESS AND LACK OF CONSCIENCE ON THIS LOVELY EARTH

ALRIGHT ALRIGHT ENOUGHT ABOUT UR MUM LIKE ACTUALLY ALL UR FAMILY MEMBERS ARE DIFFERENT LEVELS OF WILD AND..... I AM AFRAID

OK OK IT MUST BE SAID CAROLINE HAS THE MOST AMAIZNG VOICE ????? EVER

like i love her voice sm SO FUCKING MUCH I TELL U i have never heard anything like it and i want caroline to like read me books for hours AND HOURS AND NARRATE MY WHOLE ENTIRE LIFE because i love how unusually deep and shadowy her voice sounds like deep flowing river water or smth like i LOVE IT SO MUCH it. Is.So. Strange BUT I LOVE IT IT IS THE COOLEST GODDAMN THING THROW A BUCKET AT ME I LOVE YOU

HAS A VIDEO OF HERSELF DOING THE ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE AND I KNOW I HAVE PRAISED IT FOR TWO YEARS IN A ROW ALREADY LIKE @ ME PLZ CHILL BUT i will not i will NEVER it is solid entertainment a+++ QUALITY I AM LAUGHIGN IM LAUGHING I AM LAUGHING FOREVER those beautiful hops of pain across ur backyard ARE THE LAST THINGS I WANT TO SEE BEFORE GOD TAKES ME FROM THIS EARTH

WRONGFULLY FRAMED ME FOR HAVING SHIT DICK TENDENCIES AND THEN YELLED AT ME AND CALLED ME A GARAGE WHAT A BINCH I AM IN LOVE

loves yellow flowers AND ALL THE FLOWERS AND HEAVY ROSES AND IS A FULL OUT FLOWER HOE

IS DESPICABLE TEEN WOLF GARBAGE LIKE.... ive been scrolling through our fanmails AND MY HEART HUR T S G O A T Y hOld mE we were sO Y O U N G and like no lie i shit u not 80% oF THE FUCKING MESSAGES ARE U YELLING 'STYDIA IS GONNA HAPPEN THIS SEASON' AND 'OH MY GOD DID U SEE THAT STYDIA SCENE' AND DECLARATIONS OF LOVE FOR LYDIA MARTIN AND THE OTHER 20% IS U ASKIN ME IF IVE SEEN THE NEW TEEN WOLF I LOVE IT I LOVE YOU I AM SORRY TEEN WOLF KEEPS DISAPPOINTING US BOTH BUT STDYIA IS. DEFINIETELY. GONNA. HAPPEN. THIS. SEASON. IT HAS TO OR I WILL FUKIN FITE ALRIGHT GIVE US STYDIA OR GIVE US DEATH I LOVE UR TEEN WOLF LOVIBG ASS

anyway caroline is an utterly excellent person

if u were an ncea paper i would grade u with excellence

*FINGER GUNS*

like ?????deals with my stupid yelling ALL THE TIME

whenever i had a problem and went to my goaty she was so very understanding and patient AND DID NOT CALL ME A DUMBASS WHEN I DESERVED TO BE DECKED

TOLD ME THE TRU DEFINTION OF THE PHRASE 'SHOT'

TWO YEARS OF UTTER CONFUSION. ERASED FROM MY LIFE. PERMANENTLY.

MY SKIN?? CLEARED . MY FUTURE BILLS ??? PAID MY HUSBAND MARRIED MY STATUE FOR CAROLINE FULLY ERECTED

ok but like i can never say this enough goaty IS SO NICE TO TALK TO PLETAHE TALK TO ME FORVER SHE IS FABULOUS??? it blows my mind constantly that someone this incredible and special walks along this earth NONE OF US DESERVE THE GOAT

also ???? WHAT IN THE FUCK HOW HAVE I NOT MENTIONED THIS YET CAROLINE IS THE BEST WRITER I HAVE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE SHE IS SO TALENTED EVERY TIME I READ ONE OF HER FICS I END UP THINKING ABOUT IT AFTERWARDS FOR 958495894 YEARS ALRIGHT THEY FUCK ME UP THEY WAY SHE HANDLES WORDS FUCKS ME UP HOW CAN YOUT TAKE FUCKING LETTERS AND THEN SHOVE THEM UP MY ASS LIKE THIS I AM NOT ALRIGHT I AM NOT ALRIGHT I AM NOT ALRIGHT I am Not Strong Enough For This

i am not even kidding ok THE WAY U HANDLE WORDS IS IN.FUCKING.CREDIBLE whenever u use them its like?? u turned them into something precious and all your writing have this feel to it like as if im holding a delicate bouqet of a thousand yellow flowers like im holding a butterfly in my hands like im holding a box of eggs and i am scared shitless to drop it bC MY DAD WILL PERSONALLY CRUCIFY ME

I AM AWFUL AT DESCRIPTIONS BUT I HOPE U SEE WHAT I MEAN. LIKE. IT IS SO *SCREAMS* MINBLOWING DECK ME WITH ALL UR WORDS EVER

I AM ONE HUNDRED FUCKING PERCENT NEVER OKAY WITH ANYTHING YOU WRITE IT HURTS SO GOOD AND I LOVE IT

ok ok this hoe right here has written THREE fics with a dedication for me at the beginning and like.............. ..... do u ever just cri

i have 'the glorious everywhere' printed out and FUCKING PINNED TO MY WALL WHERE I CAN SEE IT FROM ALL CORNERS OF MY ROOM ALWAYS back in my apartment in russia like it is legitimately the best thing. i love everything about this piece it should be adapted into a novel or a short film like PULL SOME FIFTY SHADES OF GREY SHIT W/ IT OK the imagery and REALNESS of this fic gets to me all the time and im crying im crying im crying I ABSOLUTELY ADORE IT PLS @ CAROLINE WHY ARE U SO TALENT

ALRIGHT ALRIGHT ALRIGHT LOOK AT THIS BULLSHIT FUCKIG I THINK ABOUT THIS FIC EVERY SINGLE DAY WHEN I WAKE UP FUCKING LOOK ' You see her hair dripping down her head and spinning out over the seats in the back and lighting them on fire. You see her pale skin and electric veins as she puts her hand out the window and tries to catch the sky and stuff it up her sleeve. You hear her voice, “Just drive James, you’ll know where we’re going when we get there.”

REALLY I AM NOT FUCKIGN Okay CALL AN AMBULANCE CALL IT NOW I AM UNWELL I AM SICK I AM DYING FUK ME RITE UP

i am fully convinced this is the greatest thing thats ever been written.like. How. the. FUCK. tbh i want this paragraph ENTIRELY TATTOOED ON MY ASS I AM ZCRYING @ CAROLINE YOU HAVE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL BRAIN AND I AM SO VERY GLAD THAT IT EXISTS

i will not go into depth abt yelling about ur fics bc tbh i think u Know but I JUST WANNA SAY 'oh darling i have coloured blood (that i stole from you)' is the most iconic piece of literature to this day ever the and i zcri all the time because you are a goddamn bloody genius and you shine in colours beyond my comprehension and i love you so so so incredibly much

MY LOVE IS SO FUCKING TALENTED I AM YELLING I AM YELLING I AM YELLING

DOESN'T EAT FRIED SPERM

writes the BEST emails in history

UR SO LOVELY U GIVE ME SO MANY BEAUTIFUL SPELLING ERRORS FOR ME TO WHOLEHEARTEDLY ENJOY I AM GIGGLING *GIGGLES* IT BRINGS ME SO MUCH JOY WHEN U FUCK THINGS UP

tbh it is how fried chair came to life like it was actually in one of your first fanmails to me u said that two years ago and to this day it remains the Most Iconic Thing Ever

STRONG SUPPORTER OF WEETBIX

LOVES WEETBIX

FOUGHT TIGERS AND LIONS FOR HER FAMILY AND WAS SAVED BY WEETBIX AND WEETBIX ALONE

ACTUALLY HAD A THING CALLED ‘WEETBIX DISCOURSE’ ON HER BLOG LIKE IT WAS ACTUALLY A THING THAT HAPPENED A REAL THING THAT OCCURED AND WAS PASSIONATELY ARGUED ABOUT AND I HAVE SEEN THINGS THAT CANNOT BE UNSEEN

RIGHTFULLY SO BC WEETBIX >>>>> JONAH GRIGGS I AM SORRY IT IS THE RULES

FUCK THE H8RS

like ??? is hilarious af QUEEN OF HUMOUR AND MAKING ME SNORT MY GODDAMN CHOCLATE MILK LIKE CAN U NOT BE SO EXCEPTIONAL U HO HAVE SOME CONSIDERATION U LIL BITCH but YES a++ top notch QUALITY storytelling skills in both fic writing and tequila struggles I APPRECIATE IT TO DEATH

ok ok ok also the most beautiful person ever??? LIKE ???????????????? BITCH WHAT THE FUCK ??????????????????????????????????????????????? WHO ALLOWED U

THE MOST PERFECT HAIR. ur hair is like waves of a golden ocean cascading from ur hEAD AND IT IS SO MAGICALLY FITTING B/C U R AN ETHEREAL BEING AND THE FACT THAT U HAVE AN ENTIRE WILD SEA RAGING ON UR HEAD JUST PROVES TO ME THAT U ARE A GOD AMONG MORTALS. UR HAIR IS SO PRETTY OK OK OKAY FUCK ME UP. STRAIGHT UP GORGEOUS. SO SOFT TOO AND SO SHINY AND IT FITS U SO WELL I AM FOREVER SCREAMING

THE MOST ANGEL FACE. GOATYS FACE LOOKS LIKE GOD OR WHOEVER THE FUCK WAS RESPONSIBLE CARVED IT OUT OF ROSE PETALS AND MARBLE LIKE. IT. IS. TRULY. THE MOST GORGEOUS THING ur face is softer than clouds tbh AND UR SMILE SAVES MY LIFE ITS BRIGHTER THAN THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE CONDENSED AND SOMETIMES WHEN I SEE UR SELFIES I HAVE TO GO GET LASER EYE SURGERY BECAUSE I HAVE BEEN B L I N D E D

U R SO UNCONSIDERATE TO MY FRAGILE HEALTH HOW DARE YOU

SO. GODDAMN GORGEOUS SLAY MY ENTIRE LIFE I BEG U ID PAY U TO SIT ON ME WITH UR HUGE BONES AND SLOWLY CRUSH ME INTO AN ENDLESS DEATH I HAVE $4 LEFT OVER FROM MY LIFE SAVINGS DO IT BAE

has the best taste in music omg WHAT A BLESSING WE LIKE THE SAME SONGS AND IT ACTUALLY KIND OF SCARES ME B/C IT FEELS LIKE WE ARE THE SAME PERSON AND THIS DOES NOT HELP MY CONSTANT STATE OF EXISTENTIAL CRISIS

HAS THE BEST TASTE IN BOOKS and adores skam as much as i do AND LOVES CHRIS/EVA AS MUCH AS IDO AND WROTE A FIC FOR THEM AND THE SNIPPET FROM IT ????? MY SOUL. GONE.

so tol and will never stop accusing me of being smol but listen up aight. imma FUCK YOU UP. REAL GOOD. ONE DAY. WHEN I CAN AFFORD TO BUY A LADDER. UNTIL THEN SLEEP WITH ONE EYE OPEN BINCH BC I AM COMING TO GET U

and is also the smartiest smart to ever smart LOOK AT MY U GO WITH UR EXCELLENCE ENDORSEMENT when i buy that ladder I WILL CLIMB IT AND HOVER AROUND UR HEAD LOTS SO I CAN ABSORB UR POWERS AND ALSO BREATHE THE FRESH AIR UP THERE WHICH IS NOT AVAILABLE TO GROUNDED PEASANTS SUCH AS ME

AND IS THE BEST COOKIE THE LOVE OF MY LIFE LIKE IF THIS ISNT ENOUGH TO CONVINCE ANYONE THAT CAROLINE IS BEYOND EXCEPTIONAL FOR OUR GALAXY THEN THEY CAN FUCK OFF PLS OK

like honestly,,, MY LOVE I COULD GO ON FOR YEARS AND YEARS AND CENTURIES UNTIL MY TEETH FALL OUT AND I GROW SENILE WITH MY LOVE BUT THE POINT OF THIS HOT STEAMING LAME MESS IS THAT I LOVE YOU TO BLOODY PIECES UR SO F U C K I N G INCREDIBLE I AM SO GLAD I MET YOU AND THAT YOU TAlk TO ME AND WE EMAIL EACH OTHER AND I AM BLESSED THAT YOU EVEN THINK OF ME AND THAT FREID CHAIR LOVES ME AND THAT U R MY GOAT BC UR MY ONLY GOAT AND UR THE BEST ONE THERE IS NO SHADE @ ALL OTHER GOATS BUT LIKE. IM SORRY I CANNOT TELL A LIE

IT IS THE COLD HARD TRUTH.

and like??? i did a /search/deadgwen ON @jiilys BC I WANTED TO LOOK AT ALL OUR OLD STUFFS FROM 2015 and I Regret it I Regret it So Much theres a selfie from like when i was 14 and an idiot still on Ur blog and I look like an actual tragedy I Want to Die we have known each other for so long its RIDICULOUS UR STILL AS AMAZING AS U WERE BACK THEN AND I AM MORE OR LESS CURED OF MY CONDITION OF BEING AN EMBARASSING DIPSHIT AND ITS CRAZY HOW MUCH YOUNGER WE WERE THEN LIKE UM WTF BUT UR STILL AS BEAUTIFUL AND 9384930X TIMES MORE AND I STILL LOVE U BC UR PERFECT AS EVER AND THAT IS WHAT MATTERS

NOW. I WAS GONNA MAKE YOU A PRESENT LIKE I REALLY DID BAE I TRIED SO MUCH SHIT ITS HORRIBLE BC LIKE ??? I WANTED TO MAKE YOU A PRESENTATION ON UR GOAT SUPERIORTY LIKE I DID LAST YEAR EXCEPT Like i am a fucking asshole™(COPYRIGHT JONAH GRIGGS THE MAN TEH MYTH THE LEGEND) who cannot do shit FOR SHIT it turned out so Awful and i cANNOT GRAPHIC BABE I TRIED TO MAKE YOU THIS EDIT AND THEN I REALIZED IT WAS Bad AND FOUGHT MYSELF FOR SIX HOURS AND I CANNOT WRITE AND YOU DESERVE ALL THE GIFTS EVER BUT I AM TRULY AWFUL

*ZCRIES*

I KNOW IM LAME AND MY ONLY TALENT IS YELLING FOR HOURS ON END I WISH I COULD HAVE MADE YOU SOMETHING REALLY COOL BC ITS UR SEVENTEETH AND 17 IS THE BEST NUMBER AND UR LOVELY AND I LOVE YOU SO PLEASE FORGIVE ME BAE FOR BEING AN ACTUAL GARAGE ASSHOLE (COPYRIGHT JONAH GRIGGS THE EXPERIENCE) SHIT DICK 100% TERRIBLE DICKFLUTE OKAY I LOVE YOU AND I CAN NEVER IMAGINE WHAT I WOULD BE WITHOUT YOU IN MY LIFE AND I HOPE YOU HAVE A REALLY REALLY REALLY GOOD YEAR LIKE FUCK SHIT UP BAE UR GONNA BE IN YEAR 13 ITS ALL GONNA BE SO AWFUL AND WE WILL ALL DIE aND WERE SO O L D JESUS CHRIST IF HEART ATTACKS DONT TAKE US OUT NCEA LEVEL 3 WILL BUT I HOPE THIS WILL BE A SUPER GOOD YEAR FOR U IN REGARDS OF EVERYTHING BECAUSE U DESERVE IT U DESERVE IT U DESERVE IT I HOPE THINGS WILL LEAD UP TO U GETTING THAT APARTMENT IN NEW YORK AND ALL THE HIGH HEELS THAT U WILL WEAR AND ALL THE YELLOW FLOWERS THAT U WILL BUY AND UR CAREER AS A LIFECHANGING LITERARY GENIUS OK OK I LOVE YOU HAPPY BIRTHDAY BABE

ok ok ok but.

ONE MORE THING.

LISTEN.

THE FUCKING

*CLECNHES JAW*

REBLOG FIASCO

*FLINGS MY ASS INTO THE SUN*

WHEN IT IS GOOD AND DAYLIGHT. U HAVE UNTIL THEN. LIKE I KNOW THIS IS UR BIRTHDAY WISH AND I LOVE YOU BUT FUCK OFF HWO COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME I FUCKING TRUSTED YOU I FUCKING FUCK JUST FUCK YOU FUCKING DICK i will RIOT

OKAY BABE ITS MIDNIGHT AND ILL BE UP IN ABOUT SIX HOURS AND LIKE. ANYTHING. ANYTHING ELSE FOR UR BIRTHDAY WISH OK BABE IM GONNA FUCKING DIE THIS IS IT THIS THE END I WILL GO DOWN SWEARING PROFUSELY WITH A HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE AND U WILL BE WATCHING AND LAUGHI G ANF @OFFICALTALL FUCK YU FUCKDUCKUD CUDCKUD DNUSJNDJF FUCK U @GOATY FUCK. UFCN WHERE IS UR HOOF WHY ARE U NOT FEELIN THE TEMPERATURE ITS EBOLA ITS GOATBOLA I WONT MAKE IT UNTIL DAWN I WONT SEE THE SUNLIGHT GOATY I CANT *FAKE CRYING SOUNDS* I WILL DIE. IT WILL HAPPEN. AND I WANT IT TO BE KNOWN THAT U ARE THE BITCH THAT KILLED ME. *MORE FAKE ZCRYING SOUNDS* I MUST SEND MESSAGES TO ALL MY DEAREST KIND FRIENDS WHO HAVE NEVER FUCKED ME LIKE THIS ALRIGHT *FAKE COUGHING* TELL THEM THAT I *MORE FAKE COUGHOGN* LOVE THEM *THROWS KETCHUP PACKET EVERYWHERE WHILE UR NOT LOOKING AND BUSY BEING WORRIED ABOUT MY HEALTH* AND I WILL REMEMBER THEM EVEN IN DEATH

ANYWAY HERE IS MY WILL:

WHAT U GET:

nothing

u get nothing

bINCH

zero. zip. nada

0 potato 4 u

U CAN HAVE THE SALT FROM MY KITCHEN SO U WILL BE PERPETUALLY REMINDED OF MY LAST EMOTIONS TOWARDS THIS LIFE

maybe like the one half a potato that was randomly in my drIVEWAY THAT ONE TIME

M A Y B E

WHAT GOOD KIND LOVING FRIENDS, SUCH AS MILS AND FRIED CHAIR AND ELLIE AND OTHER ASSORTED PEOPLES WHICH I SHALL ADDRESS IN CLAUSE 4.20 OF THE TERMS AND CONDITIONS OF MY WILL, GET:

actually mils is a hoe and can choke but u r the evil here rn aND FOR THE PURPOSES OF THIS ARGUMENT WE WILL PRETEND THAT I LIKE MILS

ANYWAY. REALLY GOOD THINGS I OWN

I HAVE SOME SOCKS I DONT WANT U GUYS CAN HAVE THEM

AND LIKE

MY DUVET

SEE GOATY THESE ARE THE KIND OF HEART TOUCHING POST DEATH GIFTS U MISS OUT ON WHEN U MURDER ME IN COLD BLOOD

ALSO NO TOUCHING MY MANGOES THAT I BOUGHT TWO DAYS AGO BECAUSE I STILL WANT TO EAT THEM AND IF ANYONE EVEN BREATHES IN THEIR GENERAL DIRECTION I WILL BEAT THEM UNCONSCIOUS WITH A TELEPHONE THIS IS A T H R E A T

I HOPE UR TAKING NOTES AND I HOPE U FEEL GOOD ABOUT BEING A 6′3 KILLER BECAUSE UR AN ASSHOLE ™LIKE UR ASSHOLIER™ THAN THE REAL ASSHOLE THAT IS JONAH GRIGGS™ THE LABEL™ (COPYRIGHT JONAH GRIGGS™ THE ANT MURDERING HOT PIECE OF ASS™) BUT I WILL DIE FOR U MY GOAT *strokes ur pretty face* BC IT IS UR BIRTHDAY WISH FOR ME TO SUFFER AND I LOVE YOU AND I WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR U THEREFORE . DESPITE THIS SICKNESS *FLAILS* I. WILL. BE. BRAVE. I WILL REBLOG THOSE TWENTY POSTS I WILL FLATLINE BY THE THIRD POST AND MY BLOOD WILL BE ON UR HANDS *CAREFULLY ARRANGES MY STUNT GOAT IN POSITION* AND I WILL BE YELLING CURSES AT YOU IN THE TAGS BUT I WILL DIE IN THE NAME OF HONOUR I WILL GO DOWN AS A GOAT NEVER HAS BEFORE

BUT LIKE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I LOVE YOU AND I I LOVE YOU AND I LOVE YOU AND I LOVE YOU AND I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU SO SO SO SO SO SO SO MUCH YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY FANTASTIC I AM SO HAPPY U EXIST. HAVE THE BOMBEST ASS 17TH BIRTHDAY BABE I HOPE UR PARTY IS LIT AND HAVE FUN GETTING DRUNK AND HAVING ALL THE BANTS AND LAFFS AND ALSO I WILL SEND U THE AWAITED EMAIL IN A FEW HOURS WHEN MY INTERENT IS BACK ON BECAUSE IT IS A CONTINUATION OF THIS BULLSHIT WITH SOME STRUCTURED DISCUSSION AKA WHAT THE FUCK DO U HAVE AGAINST SMIRNOFF ICE how is it not HARDCORE enough for u IT IS LITERALLY FLAVOURED VODKA DOES IT NOT KNOCK OUT UR 6′3 ASS OR WHAT EXCUSE ME

ANYWAY IN CONCLUSION.

HAPPY. SEVENTEENTH. BIRTHDAY. MY. CHUM.

*BLOWS U A KISS*

*PUTS ON TWO FÜR COATS TO REMAIN UNDETECTED*

*STEALS ALL UR WEETBIX AND RUNS AWAY TO ALASKA NEVER TO BE SEEN AGAIN*

*still replies ur emails tho cuz i love u bitch y u do dis to me*

#I LOVE YOU SORRY THIS IS SO LONG BUT MY POINT STANDS #ALSO SORRY FOR THE SHITTINESS AND IF SOMETHING LOOKS WEIRD BC I EDITED IT SO MANY TIMES IT IS PORBABLY MOST DEFINITELY FUCKED UP SOMEHWERE #@ MYSELF I DONT TRUST U #fucshias #jiilys #I LOVE U BAE HAPPY BIRTHDAY HAPPY HAPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY #*SINGS* HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU #my BIG GOAT UR 17 NOW I AM ZCRYING RN I SWEAR I LOVE YOU HAPPY BIRTHDAY

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chocopcy-blog · 8 years ago

Text

[exo fic] Study of the Mind and Body

Title: Study Of The Mind and Body Pairing: Kai/Sehun Rating: NC17 (contains daddykink!, rimming, spanking) Length: 8,938 Author's Note: i hope you guys like this shabby smutty oneshot! it took a while to write but i hope it met some standards! :) don't forget to leave me some feedback you nasties Summary: jongin loved messing with sehun because it was so easy to when he held a crush for him but when they have another project to do together, jongin turns psychology into anatomy and teaches sehun a few things

Late. Late. Late. Oddly, Sehun knew that him being late to school wouldn't matter as much as it would've if he was to not show up at all considering he was good with his mouth. He knew how to use his words right, and that was always a benefactor. He was able to get out of a lot of situations whether they were serious or not. He was smart, even. Never made below a 98.0. Everyone knew him as either a nerd or that one kid to look up to because they knew he was going to be someone great. He wasn't the smartest kid in school. however. No. That title belonged to his best friend, Byun Baekhyun. Sure, the guy was childish and joked around a lot but when a test gets handed to him, he's a completely different person. Now, why would Sehun be friends with someone smarter than him if he held such a competitive nature? Simply put, Baekhyun never made it seem like he was so intellectual and never rubbed it in Sehun's face. Plus, on mornings as this one, he needed to hear a few lame jokes.

A foot after the other raced down the hallway, and an armful of papers and books were held tightly against Sehun's chest as he tried to still beat the clock despite having only half a minute to get to class. Sweat dripped down his forehead along the side of his face as he twisted the knob, and swung open the door to his first period. Mr. Kim stopped his speech, and looked at the late student before blowing out an agitated breath. "Pleasure of you to finally join us, Mr. Oh," He commented before gesturing to where Sehun usually sat, right in the front row. "Have a seat. I will start my speech over again so that you can hear it with the class." As Sehun went to his seat, the class groaned and let out huffs of breath in annoyance at their teacher starting his speech over again. Half of them were on their way asleep to begin with.

"Okay, let's try this again," Mr. Kim cleared his throat. "Now, I know spring break is just around the corner but before then, we're going to continue putting in a lot of work. Which, boils down to getting more grades in the book for you guys. Some of you...well, some of you have failing grades, and for some I'm not too surprised considering you take this class lightly." His eyes went straight for the one student that never failed to fall straight to sleep in his class. Mr. Kim sighed before he lifted the stack of papers in his hand, and brought it down onto a student's desk in front of him with a loud bang, scaring half the class. "Mr. Kim!"

Kim Jongin. The guy that could sleep on a railroad, and not care. Could sleep through a whole war of explosives and nukes. That guy that never paid attention but still somehow managed to pass his classes by the skin of his teeth. Yep. Him. Sehun looked back at him, and scowled. "Idiot," He muttered under his breath before turning back around, losing interest.

Jongin sat up groggily, letting out a long loud yawn. He stretched his arms above his head, revealing a peek of his toned dancer abs. The girls around him, that were looking, squealed before blushing darkly. He looked bored. No, scratch that. He was bored. Bored out of his damn mind, and just wanted to go home already. His eyes met Mr. Kim's, and he instantly smirked. He let out a small laugh, "You know, if you keep yelling like that, and raising your blood pressure, you might actually pop a blood vessel. I'm sure none of us wants that to happen? We," He shook his head, putting a balled up fist to his teeth before sucking in. "We care about you. Be careful, Mr. K. Be careful."

If looks could kill, Jongin would literally be up in flames. Mr. Kim was fed up with Jongin. Entirely, however, he didn't want to continue to send him to the principal's office because what would that do? The kid would stll sleep wherever and whenever. It was inevitable. Plus, he would rather Jongin have the chance to actually learn something otherwise Mr. Kim would've felt like he didn't do his job. Which defintely wasn't the clase but he felt like Jongin could do better, and be better. Maybe. Maybe not by a long-shot.

"Just pay attention. Can you do that for me, Jongin?" Mr. Kim didn't even wait for a reply before sighing loudly, and walking to his desk. "Alright, to sum up what I was saying earlier, expect a lot more work given, and more grades put in. Take these assignments seriously class. At least try to make good grades for pete's sake," He said, shaking his head. "Now turn to page 223, and define all 80 of those words. Due at the end of class. Get to work."

It didn't take Sehun not a second to begin on the work as he was already halfway done with the first word. He remembered what the defintion was for it, and half of the words on the page. Plus, one of his strong points was doing definitions. He never understood why it took half of the class so long to look up meager words.

Jongin had fell asleep after he had easily persuaded a girl in front of him to do his 80 words. Sehun glanced back at him before rolling his eyes. For some reason, that angered him. Of course, he thought. No work for the hot, lazy popular guy. He huffed before finishing his work. Then, it hit him. Did he really just call Jongin hot? He grimaced. No way was Jongin even close to being hot. Just because he had a sharp jawline, plump lips, smoldering eyes, and a great physique didn't mean- Why the hell was he complimenting that idiot? He groaned, and rubbed at his eyes. He definitely needed to make sure to get more rest at night. Fifteen minutes went by, and most of the class had finished but the other half was rushing trying to get finished before the bell. Sehun was already done, and ready to leave to his next class. He yawned, and leaned back in his chair to stretch his back when a wadded up paper ball landed on his desk. His eyebrows furrowed in confusion before he whipped around to find the culprit. Baekhyun pointed hastily at the paper ball on his desk, and mouthed something that Sehun wasn't able to comprehend so he looked back at the ball. He peeled it open, and read it's contents.

look behind you! jongin's literally staring right at you!

Sehun's eyebrows were still striken with confusion but he decided to to see if Baekhyun was right or just hallucinating. When he looked back, and met those smoldering, dark brown eyes, he was unable to actually look away. It was as if he was put into a trance. One that he was trapped in. What made it even more awkward and weird was the fact that Jongin wasn't looking away. It was like Jongin didn't care whether anyone found it weird that he was staring at Sehun. Especially for this long. Sehun gulped. He could practically hear his heart pound in his ears. What was wrong with him? Was he having some type of panic attack or something? He licked his lips, and he could've sworn that Jongin's eyes followed every movement. He could feel heat rise up to his cheek. What was wrong with him? Why was his body acting so weird? Better question, why wasn't he able to just look away?

Before he able to think anymore of it, Jongin broke the gaze, and started talking to one of his friends beside him. Sehun was finally able to breathe but at the same time, he still couldn't? He shook his head, and bit his lip. What had just actually happened? - - - -

"What was that all about?" Baekhyun asked his best friend as they both were headed to their next class together.

Sehun honestly didn't even know how to answer that because truthfully, he wasn't even sure himself. So, he settled on a shrug and a low, "I don't know," hoping the topic would be dropped and forgotten.

Baekhyun knew he would have the opportunity to ask more questions once they got to class considering their seats were right next to each other. - - - -

By lunch, Baekhyun had asked Sehun a million questions, and it was a good thing that he had because he wouldn't have known that Sehun actually had a crush on the person that he claimed to hate so much. He actually had found it highly amusing because he had always thought of how compatible the two seemed to be. Two stubborn idiots. How fitting.

Sehun hadn't always liked Jongin. Or maybe he had but never came to grips with it. It wasn't the fact that Jongin was the same gender, no. He had came to tune with his sexuality a long time ago, and didn't even surprise himself. However, what he did struggle with was liking Jongin. Of all people. Of all the idiots at school, why did he have to have a crush on the biggest idiot of them all? It gnawed on his insides until he shivered but not in a good way. He wondered did Jongin feel the same way? Then he cringed, and thought about actually dating Jongin. He definitely couldn't stomach that idea. All Jongin did to him was be a pest, and waste of space. He couldn't stand him.

Baekhyun was rambling on and on about something unimportant as usual, and as usual Sehun tuned him out, not paying an ounce of attention. His eyes darted around the cafeteria looking for said idiot but he was nowhere to be found. Something pricked at Sehun's skin. It was annoyance. Why did Jongin think he was better than everyone else? Not eating with people like normal people.. How annoying. He set his sandwhich down, having lost his appetite. Baekhyun noticed, and quirked a curious eyebrow before shaking his head. He knew what Sehun was thinking about. It amused him because that very hate Sehun had for Jongin was actually something else. Baekhyun wasn't stupid. He knew exactly what was going to happen sooner or later. He was just waiting on the moment given. He smirked to himself, taking a bite of his sandwhich.

Sehun sighed, glancing at his best friend who looked to have an amused expression on his face. He pursed his lips, "What is it? Looks like you want to say something," He said, folding his arms on the table in front of him. Baekhyun shook his head, choosing to tell a fib than the truth.

"Nothing, just thinking about how dumb Chanyeol actually is," Baekhyun replied, setting his sandwhich down. He brushed his hands along his jeans to get the crumbs from his fingertips. Sehun had a small suspicion that Baekhyun was lying but then he thought about Chanyeol. The guy was dumb, to be in fact. Lucky for that giant, he had the smartest guy in school as his boyfriend whom studied with him whenever he needed it. He shrugged, and snorted.

"You're right," Sehun took a sip of his lemonade. "But you're the one oh so in love with the idiot," He replied, his lips twitching to smile. He remembered how annoying it was before Chanyeol and Baekhyun started dating. How clumsy and stuttery the giant was. He would avoid talking to Baekhyun but practically followed him everywhere. Whenever someone would bother the smaller with something, that was when Chanyeol used his height and baritone voice for good use scaring that person off. Baekhyun hadn't actually noticed him until one of the jocks came to him wanting him to do his homework. At the time, Baekhyun was already severely swamped with other students papers to do but the guy wasn't trying to hear it. When he was about to give Baekhyun the beating of a lifetime, he was stopped with another hand wrapped around his whole wrist and part of his hand. Chanyeol didn't even have to beat the guy up. He was so shaken by the giant's height and voice that he just ran off down the hallway telling Baekhyun to forget he was ever there. That was when Baekhyun had actually seen him. Park Chanyeol. Boyfriend material, and a major plus that the giant already liked him.

Sehun shivered at the memory of Baekhyun telling him how they met. How annoying. How was his best friend able to have a boyfriend when he wasn't? Annoying.

He groaned, and let his head drop to the table. Baekhyun just let him be, and pursued to texting Chanyeol back about meeting up at the giants house to study. As if. Chanyeol had gotten a new mattress, and needed Baekhyun's help breaking in. No problem, Mr. Park, he thought to himself with a small blush, his fingers tapping speedily at the bright screen.

- - - -

After lunch, it was time for his favorite class of the day. Psychology. He had always wanted to be a psychiatrist. To study and understand the mind on why this happens or why certain people do this. Think this and that. It was so interesting to him. What he didn't like about the class, however, was the fact that Jongin had the same class with him. Oh, but that wasn't the worst part. No. It couldn't have gotten any worse than the fact that Jongin sat right beside him. Still not the absolute worse though. The teacher liked to pair the class up by who they sat by, and that was the most inconvenient way of doing things for Sehun. Only because every single time, Jongin was his partner, and he never put forth any effort. Sehun did all of the work, and never got a thank you from the idiot. It was annoying, and he was fed up with it. He prayed that they wouldn't get another project anytime soon or he would actually jump off a nearby bridge, not thinking twice.

"Well hunnie, I'll see you next period. Don't die," Baekhyun said, jokingly, referring to the fact that he was to sit beside an annoying Jongin for almost an hour. Sehun sighed, and rolled his eyes.

"I'm counting on it." Then, with that, Sehun walked in the class, and was somewhat pleased to find Jongin dead asleep, his face buried in his folded arms. He walked over, and sat down with a low huff. "Come on clock. Go a little faster today please," he muttered under his breath, setting his book down on the desk.

Class started shortly, and time went by pretty fast, much to Sehun's surprise. He didn't complain in no way. He couldn't wait for the bell so that he could dart right out of there. It didn't seem like they were going to be given a project, and he thanked god because he was honestly considering that bridge. The teacher droned on and on about something that he had already researched on in his spare time. He drifted to what his mom would be cooking later that night when he got home. He hoped she wouldn't make anything with tomatoes mixed in because he was sur to gag. In his defense, tomatoes just looked like a sister to apples except they were more gross, and needed to be thrown in the trash at all costs. He made a face but felt something against his cheek. What the hell was that? Curious, Sehun looked to his side, and almost choked. Jongin was staring right at him. Again. His cheek rested on his palm, his head tilted just a smidge. Sehun didn't understand what his problem was with the staring. Did Sehun have something on his face or something? He brought a hand up to his cheek to check but another hand shot out to grasp at his wrist. Sehun's breath hitched at the warm touch of Jongin's hand. "Wha-"

"We're partners again," Was what fell from Jongin's plump lips that were turned up into a smirk.

Sehun's mind was scrambled from Jongin touching him before his words processed in his mind. "What?!" He exclaimed, standing out of his seat, having ripped his wrist from Jongin's hold who was more than amused by the whole situation. If it could be called that.

Mrs. Choi sighed deeply, and tugged her glasses down to the tip of her nose. "Mr. Oh, please sit down. You would have known what we're doing if you were paying attenton so, take a seat." Sehun looked around awkwardly, some of the class giving him weird looks and others snickering at his ouburst. He finally sat back down, sliding down in his seat, hoping that the floor underneath him would open up, and swallow him whole. The tips of his ears turned a daring red as did his cheeks. Jongin stole a glance at the younger, smirked, and muttered to himself under his breath, "Cute."

"Now, as I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted," Mrs. Choi took a sharp glance at Sehun, and continued on. "You all will have, yet again, another project to do but this one will be harder. Don't expect any extra days to do it. It is due when it is due so don't even ask. Understand?" The class made sounds of disapproval at the fact that they would have to do another project. It was so tiring. "Now, someone pass out the requirements for this project."

Sehun was fuming inside. The fact that he would have to deal with Jongin again over another dumb project boiled his blood. It was the last thing he wanted to do. It didn't help that Jongin never helped on the projects. All the work was usually on Sehun, and he was annoyed by it. Anything Jongin related was an annoyance in itself, if he was to be honest.

"I didn't mention it because it should already be a given but your partner will be who you sit by. Now console to each other on what you're going to do, and leave me alone until the bell rings. I have things to do," Mrs. Choi said before reaching off into her drawer to grab her cell phone.

"So," Jongin spun around to face Sehun, giving him his undivided attention. "Your place or mine?" Sehun had to scowl at that, as if the answer was simple. Which, it was in a way because he never invited Jongin over his house nor had they ever the projects at his house. So, what would change now? Nothing.

"Your place, where else?" He rolled his eyes. Jongin pursed his lips, ready to make a smart remar back but thought of another way to respond. One that would easily get under Sehun's skin. Something he took pleasure in doing every chance he got. "Well...my bed is always free, I mean.." He muttered with a smirk. Sehun made a face, and sputtered for a moment because the thought of doing anything with Jongin in that way made him defintely want to jump that bridge.

"Gross, no. Why are you so egotistical? It's a terrible trait, you know," Sehun said, crossing his arms over his chest in sheer annoyance. When wasn't he annoyed when talking to Jongin? Never.

Jongin snorted, and turned back around in his chair so that he could slack in it, putting his feet up on the desk. His black combat boots glistened under the flourescent lights. Sehun was sure that if he looked closer at them, his reflection would show. That was how clean they looked. Sehun never really just studied the older. He was too busy always battling him in some type of way. His chestnut brown hair wasn't styled in any kind of way. Just parted to frame his face. Well, Sehun would usually see his hair just in a bowl cut type of way but he figured maybe it looked a little better when it was parted in some way. It really matched well with his royally tanned skin. Then the bridge of his nose was so sharp. It looked so greek. It was almost as if Sehun could touch it, and cut his finger. That went the same with his jawline but Sehun didn't want to neglect his lips. He had never seen such beautifully plump lips on a guy before. They looked like they were soft as pillows. Then, his physique. Sehun knew he danced in his spare time but he didn't know for how long or how often but it seemed clear enough that it had to be often considering he had the body of someone insanely fit. He just looked...unreal. He was honestly jealous of Jongin's future girlfriend or boyfriend. What he wouldn't give to be right underneath that body as his was taken by Jon- What the hell? What was he thinking? Was he really thinking about.. He knew he was either truly going crazy or he was just unbelievably desperate. He sighed, and shook his head. He really needed to talk to Baekhyun about his feelings. He didn't care that he may or may not have feelings for Jongin, it was just the fact that he probably didn't feel the same for Sehun. That was what Sehun didn't have time for. He just needed to graduate, go off to college, and become the best psychiatrist in Seoul. That was it. Jongin didn't fit anywhere in that timeline nor would he ever. Simple as that.

"Ya know, kinda rude to stare. If you think I'm hot, just say so hun," Jongin said, looking at him from the corner of his eyes. He looked him up and down before he leaned over so that his lips were against the shell of his ear. "If so, I'll give you a reason to think that. Would you like that?" His warm breath fanned over Sehun's ear causing him to gasp and shiver. Out of embarrassment, he pushed Jongin back, his face a fiery red. Something that Jongin found to be insanely adorable. Sehun may not have known but everything he did drove Jongin absolutely insane. Jongin leaned back in his chair, putting his hands behind his head, closing his eyes. The annoying smirk never leaving his lips. He left Sehun frozen in his seat. He had never had someone make as much contact as Jongin seemed to always do. Whether it was teasing or not, it was written differently in Sehun's mind. He didn't want to admit that he was attracted to Jongin but it was seeming more and more likely.

He put a hand over his heart, and tried to take quiet deep breaths. He was definitely asking for a different partner.

- - - -

Before Sehun knew it, it was the end of the day and he was honestly ecstatic to go home. He had a few things that he had to get done before he headed home but he wanted to make sure that Baekhyun and his idiot, giant boyfriend didn't want to tag along. As he was heading toward his locker to put in his books, someone was already there waiting for him. He saw that it was just Jongin so he rolled his eyes, and continued on. He put in the combination, and shoved his remaining books inside. Before he was to walk away, more like run, Jongin had reached out and grabbed his wrist. Sehun let out a huff of annoyance. "What? What do you want now?" He asked the older, his eyebrows in a deep scowl.

Jongin rolled his eyes, "The project, stupid. We gotta start it today so we're meeting up at your place in an hour," He said, and right when Sehun opened his mouth to respond back, he said, "No questions. I show up. You let me in. We start on the project then I leave. Simple. See you later." He let his wrist go, and shoved his hands in his jean pockets before walking away leaving Sehun a bit flabberasted and upset.

"Who the hell does he think he is calling the shots? My place? Yah! We never meet at my house! What makes you-!" Jongin just continued walking out of earshot but Sehun continued on, utterly upset at how Jongin just took control of the whole thing. "Yah! You hear me?! I won't let you in! Stubborn idiot," He muttered the last part under his breath before huffing loudly. "I don't want that dick in my house. He's so... Ugh!" He stomped the other direction towards the other exit of the school. He fished through his coat pocket for his car keys angrily. "I hate him so much, why is he so annoying?" He unlocked his car, and got in, slamming the door. Then he remembered that he had to go by the local grocery store to get a few things for the house. He groaned. Being out in public, and having to talk to strangers was the last thing that he wanted to do at that moment.

He put the car in drive, and was off. - - - -

6:28pm. Sehun shifted the grocery bags to his right hand so that he could dig into his pocket for his house key. Once the door was unlocked, he stepped inside, and headed straight for the kitchen. He put everything up, and completely frogot about what Jongin had said earlier about coming over so he went to the bathroom, undressing on the way there. He made sure to turn the water on warm but more so on the hot side considering the temperature was slowly dropping more and more. Once he was undressed completely, he got under the spraying warm water, and let out a groan. The water hitting his freezing cold skin felt so good. A warm relief.

Sehun let his head drop so that the water cascaded around him like a watery veil. He felt his body was humming with heat and contentment. He usually showered for around twenty to thirty minutes. He hated to leave. It had been a long, full of headaches day, and honestly being in the shower was something that he definitely needed. He had thought his mom would be home from work, and making dinner but for the first time he was glad that she wasn't. He needed the privacy.

Fifteen minutes in, and a knock was heard from the door downstairs. Sehun's eyebrows furrowed. Who could that be? He reached, and turned the water off to make sure that a knock was what he had heard. Knock knock knock. He sighed before stepping out of the shower. Yep. Of course.

He wrapped a measely towel around his waist, and threw on a robe before leaving the bathroom, going down the stairs. He grumbled under his breath about never having his privacy, and scalping whoever was knocking at the door. After unlocking the door, he swung it open, and almost choked on his spit. "J-jongin? Wha-"

"Move."

Jongin pushed Sehun aside, and walked into the house, discarding his coat. He left his boots and scarf on before turning around to face Sehun whose mouth was gaped open. "What gives you the right to just barge in here without an invitation? I told you earlier that we can't have the project here so just leave, and we'll meet at your hou-"

"You talk too much, you know that?" Jongin said with a sly smirk as he began walking towards him. His eyes were dark, and held something that Sehun wasn't familiar with. Each step that Jongin made towards him was a step that Sehun took to step back. "I told you that I was coming over here to do it. Did that not click with you when I said it or.. Or were you too busy staring at me again?" Jongin asked him, still smirking as his advancements continued. Sehun sputtered as he continued to move back away from the older. Once his back was against the wall, Jongin put his arm right beside his head. Despite Sehun being inch or so taller, Jongin still managed to look so much bigger than he was. It confused him but he didn't have time to think anymore of it when Jongin's other hand enclosed him. Sehun's lips parted as his heart began to race. "Sehun ah, are you a virgin or what? I heard that you've done things but you seem so uptight and too shy to do anything like the rumors say," Jongin breathed, licking his lips. Sehun's eyes followed that seductive tongue of his as his own breath hitched in his throat. He swallowed before Jongin's words processed and set in his mind.

"What? What rumors? Why are there rumors to begin with? And I'm not telling you whether I'm a virgin or not. It's none of your business, actually," Sehun replied, his eyebrows furrowed in irritation. Jongin looked at the youngers eyebrows before he poked them both. That only made Sehun bring them together even more. Jongin chuckled, and it made Sehun's heart jump. "Look, stop listening to every rumor you hear and actually believe them. Now, move so I can make a snack or something. Plus, we need to get started on this dumb project," Sehun said, looking him in the eyes.

"You were beginning to bore me anyway," Jongin replied, dropping his arms, and taking a step back. Sehun was about to retaliate but Jongin was already heading towards the many pictures that were by the good china and knicknacks. Yes. Those embarrassing photos that your parents would put up, and think that everyone that come in the house should see. Those. He rolled his eyes, and let Jongin do whatever while he went into the kitchen to get him some strawberries.

Afterwards, Sehun peeked back in the living room to find Jongin still looking at the pictures. He bit his lip, and fluttered upstairs to his room to get his backpack. He hoped and silently prayed that Jongin wouldn't come upstairs to follow him. Lucky for him, the house was pretty big and had many rooms which meant many doors so there was no way that Jongin would know which one was his. Unless, like he was thinking, he followed him. At that, Sehun turned around to see if he was, and much to his relief, he wasn't. Good.

When he reached his room, he quickly shut the door behind him. His eyes searched for his backpack, and luckily it was sitting on his bed. All of his psychology notes was in there, everything that he would need for the project. In his haste that morning, he had forgot to grab it, and was only left with what he had in his locker. Before he grabbed it, he stopped and thought about the very reason why he didn't want Jongin to come in his room. "Oh!" He dropped to his knees, and looked under the bed. "Ah, here it is," He said to himself as he pulled the long velvet box from underneath. He blushed, and brushed a hand over the top of the box before rubbing the sides. He bit his lip, and slowly slide the top aside to see its contents.

It was true. Sehun was a virgin but it didn't come off as a surprise. However, that didn't mean that he didn't have hormones raging. He often touched himself, and it got so often that he had decided to visit a toy shop downtown. It was hard for him to go at first but luckily Baekhyun had went with him. There were so many options. So many to choose from that, at first, he just bought the basics. Dildo, cock ring, lubricant, an anal plug, the light things. However, after some time, he was finding himself to grow quite bored of those things. He wanted somethng much more exciting. Something...kinkier. Baekhyun knew everything about Sehun. Well, everything that Sehun let him know. He had a daddy kink, and it was a sensitive topic for him to think on. He had watched many porn videos over kinks, but the daddy kink caught his upmost attention. Only because he loved being praised, and calling someone daddy. He wanted to be punished when done wrong. He wanted to be rewarded and called a good boy whenever he did something right. Also, someone to take care of him like the baby boy he was.

His fingertips grazed the paddle and leather straps that were meant to bound and punish him. He shivered. He yearned to have someone use his little toys and things on him but it needed to be someone he could trust because once bounded, he wouldn't be able to do a thing. That person would have all of the control. That gave him such an unexplainable thrill. Another shiver ran down his spine at the thought of being tied down, and letting someone have control. Not just someone. His daddy. "Mmm," He hummed, and gave one last once over at the contents of the box before he slid the top back over. Wait.

Did he lock the door?

"Sehun, I've looked at all seven rooms, where the hell-" Jongin stopped in mid sentence, seeing Sehun on the floor. He snorted, and leaned against the doorway. "Huh. So this must be your room? It's..." He looked around the room to find it pretty clean and sorted. Organized and neat. Exactly how Sehun was. "..you. Very much you." Then his eyes darted down to what Sehun was holding. He nodded at the pretty box with a quirked eyebrow. "What's that?" He asked.

Sehun looked down at the box before he scrambled to his feet quickly, blushing. "N-nothing! Just old stuff I was suppose to get rid of," He said, stuttering and clutching the box tightly. He should've shoved the box back under the bed until it was hidden behind whatever else was under there. His heart was racing, and the fear of Jongin actually finding out how not so innocent he was... It scared him because what if he decided to tell his friends about what he does in private? Then the whole school finds out... That only shook him up even more. "J-just go back downstairs, I'll get everything," He said but he somehow knew that Jongin wasn't going to drop it unless he knew exactly what was in the box.

Jongin moved from the doorframe, and closed the door behind him with a small smirk. "Forget the project, I think I found something a little more interesting. Now," Once he was right in front of the younger, he rose an eyebrow. "what's in the box, Sehun?"

Sehun held his breath for a moment before letting it go. Maybe Jongin had a heart underneath all of the black tar that seemed to cover it. Maybe he wouldn't judge him for what he does. Maybe it was okay to give Jongin the benefit of the doubt. He bit his lip, and missed when Jongin's eyes followed the movement. "I... Things. Things that I would rather keep to myself. Please just let it go, Jongin," he said lowly.

Jongin almost wanted to laugh because that wasn't his personality to just let things go. No, he wanted answers and, like always, he got them. Before Sehun was even able to blink, the box was ripped from his grip, and held high above Sehun's head. Even though Sehun was an inch taller than Jongin, his arms weren't long enough to reach the box. He felt like crying because he knew that once he told Jongin, the jokes would come, and then the public humliation. He sighed. There was no way in avoiding it. He had no choice. Might as well get it over with.

"Toys."

"..."

Silence filled the room, nothing but utter silence. Sehun was sure that he could hear a fly fluttering it's tiny wings somewhere. That was how quiet it got. He tucked his bottom lip under his teeth, waiting for the jokes to come. After moments of more silence passed, Sehun finally got up the courage to look Jongin in the eyes, and instantly regretted it. He couldn't speak. All he could do is stare into those dark orbs, and wait patiently for him to say something. Anything.

"What kind of toys?" Jongin asked him, not breaking eye contact. "Vibrators, dildos, stuff like that right?"

There was no denying what Jongin was saying because he was right. How did he guess it right? Sehun had no clue, and wasn't even sure that he even wanted to know. He just couldn't believe this was happening right now, to be honest. "Yeah... Now that you know, could you just give it back to me so that we can go back downstairs and do this stupid project so that you can go?" He asked, gnawing on his bottom lip, and tapping his foot.

Jongin smirked, and clicked his tongue, shaking his head. "Nooo. I can't do that. No way. I wanna see these toys," He replied back before lowering the box. Big mistake. Sehun tried reaching for it but out of instinct, Jongin pushed him, him landing on the bed on his back. Jongin set the box on the bed, and quickly turned Sehun around so that he was on his stomach. He pinned the youngers wrists at his lower back, and kept them there with one hand before lifting the top of the box. "Let's see what you don't want me to see."

What Jongin saw literally turned his mouth into the sahara desert. There were so many toys, so many that Sehun actually used on himself or planned to. He picked up the paddle, and hummed. "So...you like to be spanked?" He asked him, laying the paddle on Sehun's back which caused the younger to let out a small whimper. Jongin froze, hearing that. Seeing the toys turned him on so bad, imagining small Sehun with a fake cock in his ass, and a cock ring over his dick. Jongin growled lowly. "Sehun, is this why you never want to do projects over your house? Afraid that I might find your box of secrets?"

Sehun was too ashamed to even respond so he just settled with a nod. Jongin looked at the paddle then at the leather straps that were meant to bound him. He had an idea. "Stay still or you'll get worse," He said before reaching into the box, and getting the straps. He clicked one on one of Sehun's wrists and then the other before clicking them together so his hands were firmly behind his back. "Ah, there we go."

Sehun's heart was likely to have jumped right out of his chest at the fact that Jongin was actually usually his sex toys on him. Who would've ever thought?

"Now," Jongin shifted to being on the edge of the bed, and pulled Sehun up to where he could lay across Jongin's lap. "the fact that you weren't honest with me...that deserves a little punishment, don't you think?" He didn't give Sehun time to even object before he grabbed the paddle, and hit it right onto the youngers plump ass.

"A-ahh! J-jongin, what are you-"

"Jongin? No. No, see from now until I'm done with you, you're to call me daddy. Do you understand?" He asked him, this time letting him respond because he wanted Sehun to know that he intended on using things on him, and showing him what it meant to be honest. Respectful. Obedient.

Sehun whimpered, and muffled out a, "Y-yes." Wasn't good enough. Sehun got another hit across his ass, and he let out a cry, feeling the tears well up in his eyes.

"Yes. What."

The tears dropped down onto the carpeted floor, creating small little puddles. Sehun wanted so bad to moan out, and let Jongin know that spanking him wasn't affecting him in the way that Jongin intended but he was selfish. He wanted more hits. To be told afterwards that he's a good boy. Who would've thought that he would ever actually call Kim Jongin, the most idiotic, egotistical guy in school daddy. He was honestly losing his sense of thinking rationally so the idea of calling him daddy didn't sound so bad. So. He did.

"Yes. Yes daddy."

That was all Jongin needed to hear. All of their previous disputes, and disagreements they had flew right out of the window when he gave Sehun another hit and heard that delicious moan fall from the younger pretty pink lips. It sounded so heavenly. A huge turn on too. He wanted to hear more of that.

Jongin fumbled with unlocking the straps on Sehun's wrists, tossing them back in the box. "Stand up. Strip. Don't face me. Can you do that for me baby boy?"

Sehun shivered before he nodded slowly. He stood up, discarded his clothing, and faced the other direction. He covered himself up, rubbing his legs together. He couldn't believe he was actually naked in front of the guy that he had claimed to hate so much. However, his crush on him wasn't much but after calling him daddy, something ignited the flame. Started the fire. Started something that they could never go back to.

"Good." Jongin commented before standing up. He grabbed a black horse whip, and let it trail along Sehun's pale, trembling thighs before lighting him there earning himself a small squeak. Jongin smirked, and tried more of his luck before moving the tips along his round butt, stroking him lightly before striking him twice there. Sehun covered his mouth, keeping the loud cry in. He was still severely sore, and it felt so good he didn't want to give in to it unless Jongin told him to.

Jongin moved the whip across Sehun's sensitive, pink nipples but didn't strike him. He ran it along his long neck, humming at how beautiful Sehun looked. So lean. So small but still an inch taller. It for him. It was cute. He was cute. Jongin was mentally admitting it. Sehun was definitely his type in every single way possible.

After teasing him enough, he decided that the tightening in his pants was becoming unbearable so he undressed completely, and rose a hand to Sehun's cheek. He looked at his lips, which he was still biting on. Such a turn on. Jongin growled, and claimed those lips as if they belonged to him. Well, they did now.

He tugged at his bottom lip, and when Sehun gasped from the hands gripping his ass, Jongin took that opportunity to dive his tongue right in, and taste him. So sweet. So innocent yet so tainted at the same time. He moved his lips down to Sehun's neck, and left many marks there. He wanted anyone that would see to know he was claimed. That no one was to ever touch him. He was Jongin's. All his. "You're mine now. No one else's, do you understand?" Jongin nipped at his neck up to his earlobe, sucking there causing Sehun to let out a mewl and cringe up. His body was so sensitive but that was what Jongin liked about him. As said, he was innocent but his body wasn't. A pure sin to Jongin.

"Yes, ah, yes daddy. All yours. Mmm but what about the psychology project? We-we have to choose a topic that studies the mind," Sehun muttered, curling against the older to hide himself. Jongin smirked against his neck before pulling away to look at him.

"Babe, I would rather study your body than the mind. Let's do an anatomy project instead. We can start with your pink, tight hole. Get on the bed for me," Jongin said before quickly biting at Sehun's bottom lip. The younger hastily got onto the bed, and awaited his next command. "On all fours, baby," The older said, his arms crossed over his chest.

Sehun didn't waste no time in doing exactly what Jongin wanted him to do. Once there, he let his head hang in anticipation. What was he going to do exactly? There was never no predicting Jongin's actions. He was always so mysterious. Never gave any indication on what his next moves would be. It was nerve-wrecking. He didn't know whether he was allowed to speak but he didn't dare it. He wanted to just so that he could get punished again but he didn't want anymore teasing. He just wanted to be fucked already.

Jongin grabbed the lube out of the box, and set it aside. He had different plans for his next play. He smirked before grabbing Sehun's hips, positioning him the way that he needed to be. Then, he crouched down, and parted the younger cheeks to look at his puckering hole. He never took notice but Sehun keeps himself insanely clean. He didn't see not a speck of hair anywhere on his body. Don't get Jongin wrong, it was weird to see but he was definitely attracted to it. So attracted. God, Sehun was like a drug. Always had been. Now he finally would have that very person underneath him, trembling and calling out his name. His name.

Jongin smirked before he pushed his wet, warm tongue past the rim, darting it in and out. Sehun wailed out in ecstasy as he pushed himself against Jongin's tongue, wanting him to go deeper. Wanting something else other than his tongue.

Jongin gripped at the youngers hips to still him, and that only turned Sehun on even more. "Mmm daddy, please, I want you s-so badly. Please," He begged and pleaded, wanting nothing more than to have Jongin deep inside of him, abusing his hole so that he would have a hard time sitting down the next day. The older pulled back, sliding a thumb in his hole before saying, "How bad, baby? I want to know that you won't regret this when I do it." He said, still having some sense that after everything was over, would Sehun want to continue whatever they had going. Or...or would things end..

Sehun bit his lip, and shook his head. "Don't worry about it. I...I've always had a crush on you. I was more worried about you throwing me to the side after today than anything else..." he said, feeling his eyebrows come together slowly as his stomach tossed and turned at the idea. If Jongin never spoke to him again after this, it would crush him. He would've felt like a rag doll. Used. Exposed for letting him in on one of the biggest secrets he had ever had to keep besides his sexuality. It was the last thing he wanted to happen.

Jongin removed his thumb, and patted Sehun's butt to turn around, and lay on his back. Sehun did so, daring himself to look right into Jongin's eyes. They were so soft and held so much compassion that it honestly surprised him considering compassion didn't seem to be in Jongin's nature. Ever. It was comforting to say to the least. He blushed. Jongin leaned down, almost an inch from their noses touching, before saying, "I would never ignore you. Never forget that we laid in bed together. Hell, I would be dumb to leave when I could have you. You all to myself. Do you know what type of gen you are? Amazing. You're really something Oh Sehun. I don't want anyone else to get the pleasure in touching any part of you because you now belong to me. Me. Is that clear?"

Sehun wasn't sure whether he could call him by his name or still by daddy so he chanced it and just said, "Okay, Jonginnie," He said before he felt lips bite at his neck. He let out a surprised squeak. "J-jongin-"

"Yah, what did I tell you? It's still daddy," Jongin replied, leaning back and claiming Sehun's lips. He couldn't wait any longer so while kissing him, Jongin reached down, and grabbed the bottle of lube. He pulled back, and leaned up to squeeze some onto his palm. He stroked his length, coating it with lube before running his hands up and down Sehun's milky thighs. He smirked, "Ready, baby?" Sehun nodded, trying to not squirm from excitement. Jongin found him so cute but not cute enough to no want to fuck him senseless.

After lining himself up right at Sehun's hole, he pushed himself in slowly. Inch by inch, making sure to not hurt him. Sehun covered his mouth, caging the cries that wanted to leave. The corners of his eyes leaked with tears from his uncomfortable Jongin being in him felt. The dildos he had weren't half the size of Jongin so it was difficult to make his body instantly accept the fullness of his length. Jongin was just well equipped and well blessed.

His hands shot out to grasp at the sheets under him as his back arched once Jongin was in him fully. All the way to the hilt. "Ah...oh god.." he breathed, reaching out with one hand to grip one of Jongin's muscled arms.

"Fuck. Ah, Sehun you're so right, shit," Jongin said under his breath, groaning at how warm and tight Sehun was. He definitely didn't regret being seated next to Sehun in psychology. Hell no.

"Mmm, yes. Please daddy, please move, I can't wait any longer," Sehun said, biting his lip, trying to not move but it was so hard when Jongin was being so still.

That was all Jongin needed to hear. His hips began moving at a fast pace, angling them to the side so that he could find that one spot that he knew would have Sehun unraveling like a fresh roll of thread. The sounds that left Sehun's lips were so sinful, so hot that they put Jongin's mind in a hazy frenzy. He had one motive at that point, and one only. To cum all in Sehun's ass, and know that the younger was full of his seed. Now that was hot.

"Fuck fuck fuck fuck," Jongin growled, pumping in and out of Sehun like a pistol. He had so much pent up frustration and so did Sehun. Hence why the younger wanted him to go harder, deeper, faster even. Both of them needed the release but without knowing they also needed one another in more ways than they knew.

Jongin was more than sure that there would be bruises on Sehun's hips but that only added fuel to the fire inside of him because that meant more territory marks. More reasons for someone to not touch what wasn't theirs. The thought of anyone touching Sehun set him off. It angered him.

He flipped the younger over, and pulled his hips up before entering him again, and going at such a pace that it almost seemed inhumane. It definitely felt like it to Sehun but no way in hell was he even complaining. He was definitely going to cum untouched. Something that never happened to him before. First time for everything.

"Oh fu- Ah, yes, oh my god daddy, I- I'm gonna cum, ah yes yes yes," He moaned out shamelessly, leaning down to stuff his face in one of his pillows as Jongin continued to jet in and out him, slapping his ass periodically to add affect. Sehun's moans grew louder and louder before they became pitched as he came all over his once clean sheets. As he continued to milk himself along him stomach and the sheets, Jongin was growing closer and closer to climax which came sooner than he even realized.

"Oh shit, oh fuck, ah! S-sehun!" Jongin exclaimed, gripping the youngers hips as he emptied himself out all inside of him. Sehun whimpered feeling the warmth in his stomach settle with Jongin's warm, thick cum. As Jongin rode out his orgasm, he rubbed Sehun's back with a drowsy smile before flopping down beside him.

He reached out, and pulled Sehun on top of him so that he could get a real good look at what was finally his. He kissed Sehun's nose, his eyelids then everywhere else but saved his lips for last. He slowly kissed him. Nothing like how rushed he was earlier. No. This kiss held passion. Sehun blushed a bright pink at how tender and gentle Jongin was being with him. He wanted to believe that everything that had happened was real but it seemed so much like a dream. No way did he just have sex with Kim Jongin, that idiot he couldn't stand. The idiot that never did his work. The idiot that had all of the girls pining after him. That idiot.

He smiled against Jongin's lips, and cradled his face with his pale, slender hands.

His idiot.

#exo #kai #sehun #exofic #sekai #smut

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blackhydreigon · 7 years ago

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I was tagged by @mayalaen Thanks a bunch :)

Answer 11, Ask 11

1. Can you speak more than one language, or are you learning a new language?

I speak enough Spanish to hold a conversation so I guess that counts? I’m trying to learn German and at some point I want learn Swahili.

2. Books, fanfiction, or both, and why?

Both. I’ve been reading since forever and I just love reading books (I mean I wanna be a author/screen writer for movies and the such so makes since right?) And fan fiction is a way for me to just ignore canon things that have happened in my favorite tv shows/movies so there’s that.

3. Have you done a lot of traveling?

Eh. I guess. Not around the world or anything. Family reunions tend to be the reason why cuz I have family everywhere.

If you’ve seen more than one version, do you have a favorite Sherlock? (The character himself, like my fav is Benedict Cumberbatch’s version)

Hmm. See that’s hard because I love RDJ’s version, and no matter how much Benedict’s version drives me insane cuz it only comes out with 3 episodes like every four years, I love that version too. I also love the Elementary version with Lucy Liu. So all of them?

5. Do you ever imitate one of your favorite characters when you’re having a hard time expressing yourself?

Not really? I express myself through writing but I never try to imitate someone else cuz that never works out, for me at least.

6. Have you seen the new Wonder Woman and what did you think of it?

YES. LOVED IT. THAT’S ALL I’M GONNA SAY CUZ I HAVE TO BE SOMEWHERE SOON AND IF I GO ON ABOUT IT NOW I’LL GET SIDE TRACKED.

7. Any movies coming out this year or next year that you’re really excited about?

BLACK PANTHER, DEFINTELY BLACK PANTHER. Also Infinity War (despite the fact it’s gonna stomp on my heart and kick it into the sun I’m excited about it), and A Wrinkle In Time (which people are sleeping on and that makes me sad).

8. Who are some of your favorite actors/actresses?

Hooo boy. This might take a minute so buckle up. Robert Downey Jr, Viola Davis, Taraji P. Henson, Octavia Spencer, All the Chrises, Misha Collins, Mark Sheppard, Chadwick Boseman, John Boyega, Samuel L. Jackson, Ryan Reynolds, Lupita Nyong'O, Danai Gurira, ya know what we’re gonna stop there cuz this list is getting really long lmao.

9. A movie you’ve watched more than ten times?

Lots. I’m not gonna name them all cuz that’ll take too long too.

10. Craziest thing you’ve ever done?

But really a risk taker but I do distinctly remember tying a kid to the top of this tall swirly attachment thing by his shirt and biting him for good measure in preschool. (Don’t ask me why I don’t remember)

11. Do you have a favorite season, or do you like them all?

Winter. Cuz it’s cold, that orange ho (The Sun not Donald Trump) fucks off with its heat to the other side of the planet, and I can wear hoodies and fuzzy socks.

Here are my questions:

1) How did you get into your favorite fandom and do you regret it.

2) If someone asked you to kill your fav character for a large sum of money would you?

3) Vans or Allstars?

4) If you could go back to any grade of school which would it be?

5) What’s your favorite thing about yourself?

6) What was your dream job when you were younger and what is your current job now?

7) MCU, DC, both and why? (If you don’t like either just answer it hypothetically)

8) What’s one TV show you wish hadn’t been cancelled?

9) Do you have a strained or close relationship with most of your family?

10) Dream Condo or Dream House?

11) Would you have your fav characters come to this world or would you rather go to there’s?

Okay! I tag @lionheartwithnoking @kay-cas19 @jvalentyne @spnfangirlforeversammyrules @zeeimpalaangel @shit-happens-bitchachos and anyone else who wants to do it.

#tagging game #11:11 ask game #personal

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junctionstreet · 5 years ago

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I have a confession to make. To start I would like to start by saying this past week has been quite a journey. The first two maybe three weeks of this time off I was living very shamefully. I was eating all the food. Candy, chips, junk food everyday, not taking care of my body, not exercising. I was staying up late and waking up at sometimes 1 or 2 pm. I was not praying. I was not cleaning my room. I was not working. I was not studying. I was masturbating to pornography once, sometimes twice a day, could’ve been three on an extreme rare day (that may not be true but I don’t want to leave any room to withhold the truth here), Nothing. I was not even talking to you, I just looked at the phone and I couldn’t even engage. My body, my heart, and my mind completely shut down on me and I had no energy for anything. And I remember, one morning, I woke up kind of late of coarse, I rolled out of bed. Got on my knees, closed my eyes and started to pray. Just out of the blue. Hadn’t prayed in all those weeks being off that I can remember, I do kinda remember speaking to God the night but if I did it was brief. But going back to it, I got out of bed feeling like complete crap and got on my knees looked up at the ceiling and prayed. I told God what was up, how I was feeling, and I don’t know if you’ll listen because of my behavior lately, but I need you I want to be closer to you. Save me, rescue me, it feels like I’m spiritually dehydrayed and I was defintely physcially dehydrated as well becasue I was not drinking any water. So How did I get here right? How did I get to such a consuming mind and eating, fornicating, not drinking water, not texting you, letting myself sleep and wake up whenever, not work, not exercising, and not praying. Well, when you work in an environment like mine and I had just spent the past week or two stressing about my evaluation because I felt I was on thin ice, our attendance audit, keeping up with my tasks and responsibilities at work, keeping up with both good and bad energy from the kids and parents. It all just led me to a point of consumption and take all I can, eat all I can, snack all I can, lay down as often as I can, sleep for as long as I can, rest as much as I can like take advantage of this time while I have it, just because my mind body and soul were in that place of need and just weak, really really weak.

Well, after that I got up and started reading the book you bought me Mental Toughness (which I truly love you for because you engage in my interests and support my interests and you feed my interests). I started reading it outside in the sun. I started reading it in the bathtub, and I learned that laughter, fun, and play should be taken very seriously. I don’t remember the exact science behind it, but the concept was that play releases hormones or neurochemicals or just overall body chemicals that keep the body health and promote growth and optimization and it’s like recovery for your body and reinforecment for your body. You have to review for their examples and explanations but that’s the point that you must work hard, but also have fun and that’s a big part of sustaining you working so hard and also just maximizing that process of learning and nueral plasticity and the building of the brain. This was coupled with a few walks with my mom here and there. I was actually applying it. I was like okay. If fun is a part of success then I am going to do it. So i’m laughing joking, being really positive, and everything was great and then I started to feel better. Like I really started to feel good.

Then, you know I also started to have memories appear in my mind while I’d sleep at night and just have these memories (good, bad, and neither good or bad, some were just plain nuanced memories) of my experiences at UC Davis. Just started pondering on some decisions like, why did I do that or do this? Then I went of Facebook and I saw that some people that I was either housemates with or acquaintances with or classmates with met their goal. Like Sarosh became a dentist (housemate). Nick is in medical school (housemate). Titus became a civil engineer (acquaintance from class). Ryan became an engineer (classmate). Brenda became a nurse (ex-girlfriend) And some other guy, (philipino guy is in Stanford medical school, the crim de la crim). Then there were other friends and acquaintances classmates, whoever, that maybe did not accomplish their goal. Like Ajee she wanted to be an engineer and she’s doing make up now. Like. Brandon or Segun, who both had goals of being engineers at some point. And you know I am not judging them. I honestly didn’t even examine them to much. I looked the people who achieved their goal more than the people who did not, so I was not being spiteful at all, like oh look this guy or girl didn’t do this, not at all. In fact, I would smile in nostalgia for how we’ve all grown so much and moved on with our lives since the last time we had an interaction. The people who did accomplish their goal like Stanford and Titus - I was like ecstatic for them I was truly happy for them because I felt like I knew them in a sense. I knew the hustle, I knew the grind, I knew the focus, I knew the discipline it must have taken. I was just thrilled for them and just had good feeling you know. Like Titus posted a grad photo of him, and it said “By the Grace of God” I graduated in engineering it was some of the worst and best times of my life. But through it all I learned from my mentors to trust the process, etc. etc. etc. And I was just like, wow, that is like, a victory statement. It is a victory statement. Then Ryan (old old classmate) started to post these videos and with so much humbleness, unique personality that is truly authentic (reason for that per Ryan is because he understands that in society we are all expected to behave or act in a certain way, but he acknowledges that he’s different and he’s okay with that, because it’s somehow connected to his soul), and with an outstanding genuine positivity. He said the hardest thing he ever did was gradaute with a degree in engineering. He said he got like a 2.8 and he felt really bad about that, but like people were telling him it was good, and how like he got C’s in his classes, but he graduated. And like if he wasn’t sleeping, he was studying, and if he was studying he was sleeping, and if none of those he was asleep dreaming about studying. Like, this man struggle how I struggled but was victorious.

Then it was kinda like woah, like I just saw all this, like, let me go take a shower it’s 6 am in the morning, I stood up the whole night. Then when I got out of the shower, I think I made breakfast or went to my bed. But either way, at some point I ended up on my bed, pulled out my tablet, and started this ebook called “Making Smart Decisions” and in the chapter I read it said like, for some reason, people make the same decions over and over again. And there’s like a term for it. It’s like some kind of bias. Then I learned that there’s this one term and concept where, someone will take small little decions or mistakes or actions that will usually go unnoticed but after awhile it’s just a disaster waiting to happen in business. And then I made the connection and realization like, woah, that’s true. I did make little mistakes that went unnoticed. Like like decions that truly, served as death blows when they all add up, I mean look, it’s obvious, I failed to meet my dream of being an MD. Then I just started to write them down, on the tablet. Then I was like, you know yes, I failed to meet my dream and goal. But now I know why, or at least have a better understanding of at least two things forsure as to why I failed, 1. I kept walking away, like when I did not understand a concept, had to read a science book, had to answer problems, workout a solution to those problems - then be asked to keep that up with the remaining classes, and then be mindful of the midterm that Thursday, then like I never really studied or never really rested because I was overwhelmed by the fact that I had the midterm Friday, yet couldn’t even understand last weeks material, so I somehow ended up awake the night before having felt and believing and actually not knowing any of the material the night before. But I knew I could’nt fail or else my dreams of MD would be over. So I pulled the all nighter, someone how managed to pass, or not. Then, I would feel relieved that I passed with at least a C, and be like almost relieved that I passed, kinda disappointed but hey, going from stressing that you’re going to fail becasue you’re learning all the material the night before and are likely to get a big fat F on your transcript - to staying up all night, sleep deprived, motivating yourself, to actually like getting a C and passing grade. You’re like almost releived, sure a little disappointed, like I would mostly leave tests disappointed. But when the grade comes in you’re like Thank you God I got a C. I remember I got a C+ in Calculus 21B -truly by the grace of God, because that summer I was taking Calculus 21B and I remember going to office hours, talking to the instructor during office hours, he understood that I was trying, there’s a few memories I have of that time, I remember sitting in his office and he showed passion in calculus when the concept of infinity came up when discussion how him in his friends debate on infinity or have conversations on infinity. Also, when I was in office hours and we had the big white board and he was trying really hard to explain it to me, and just like trying to break it down, and seeing where my reasoning was missing, and he had a point where he just put his finger on his chin, like “man, what can I do, how can I teach this kid, with a look of responsibility that he had for me” then I also at some point he was like you can’t memorize, you actually have to understand how it works, and we both ended on a feeling of we just tried really hard to learn this and for me to teach this, and just walked away being cool as always. I dropped by office hours, one more time after that expressing my concern for passing his class. He gave me advice, like don’t stress it’s going to be what it’s going to be at this point, just try your best, and he seemed a little forward a little annoyed, but I felt that was because he probably failed me or like there was litteraly no point of stressing and so he expressed his forwardness for something that had no point. And you know what, I am pretty sure I must have prayed that night. Because, the day of the test he was about an hour late to the final exam. He came rushing in with his bike or helmet or one of the two, and like a big box full of exams, and stuff, and he’s like he he had some printer trouble etc. etc. etc. I will compensate for giving everyone 30 more points, or something like that, he made it clear he was going to make up for it point wise, and he even gave us extra time i think. Then, I remember going to his office after the test, just to communicate and earn more points, something you know, like I was doing everything I could to ensure the guy remembered me and liked me before he graded my test lol and also to genuinely say thank you as well like he was cool, he did try to help me and he was cool, like I felt like I got to know him a little bit that summer, and it was the end of my calculus summer, so I wanted to just conclude and say bye. Then I walked to the room through the math building and I hear him like shouting (not crazy because he was a very very chill guy, but just enough to where it sounded like he was talking to a loved one, telling them what happened, and getting it off his chest), and it even sounded like he was moving things around in a rush. I heard him say something like, “the printer crashed and I was late! I said I was late like 50 minutes to 1 hour late” Then I heard this, realized I probably don’t want to see this guy right now if I don’t want to get on his bad side. So I walked away, took a deep breathe and realized calculus was over. Time for a new journey...

I am studying hard that new semester, feeling good everything is positive, girls living in the house, I am one of only two straight guys in the house. I am good. Then you know, I get my study grind on, and I’m prepping before the quarter has even begun, studying stuff that probably wan’t even going to help me prepare for the class anyways. I would study at a starbucks all that. Then I remember, Jocelyn and Stephanie coming in the starbucks, and watching me study. Then like, towards the more beginning, I actually did follow up with the psychiatrist in Vacacille, then I was like, you know, I’m here I drove all this way, like let me kinda fight for this, let me kinda actually do this, like it’s scary, like this doesn’t feel comfortable, but then I was like you know this is all part of taking control over my study habits and results, and this is what’s going to truly to get me the results i’m looking for. Then I recall meeting with a therapist, and the therapist was like are you sure you want this? I can provide you therapy, do you have good habits, etc. etc. like she did do her part, I remember she looked at me with like, you really want the medication huh, and like you know we can try this and that instead, and like I don’t remember how much she tried to present a better case for therapy instead of medication, But I do remember her offering therapy, and asking me at least twice, if I was sure. Then, also have to consider that I also knew what kind of questions these people were going to try to ask me to deny the adderral, like I was prepared to address these questions and points with exaggerated claims or even false claims, in other words, I lied. I used slickness and manipulation and lies to get what I thought and felt I needed at the time to be successful, when all I needed was myself. All I needed was work hard, all I needed was small SMART goals, little ones that can be accomplished each day as part of accomplishing an even bigger goal, the only work hard involved is not reading/review notes, recalling what I knew, acknoweldge what I didn’t know, fill in the gaps and make note of them, and work on practice questions, the urge to walk away from those previous are the work hard that’s all. I didn’t work hard by accomplishing my little goals for each day no matter what, that’s all I needed, and a positive belief in myself that I could do it, and a positive belief in God. I felt like I had to take it because of the environment I was in, the extra boost was necessary, probably pressure from my classes starting to creep in, and also just self-doubt, and doubt in God or like not even thinking about God.

But also there’s this other idea too like not taking time to rest over the summer led to an increasing pressure to rely on something else to sustain, when in fact all you needed was a break, was some fun, was some engagement, was some home, some family, you know something. Just that time to rest. Had I done that I think I would’ve made better decisions, or more confidence in myself, or something. Just something to point out, thankfully we made a principle out of it.

SIDE NOTE: During this summer of calculus 21B, I had went to Kaiser and said look, I am doing everything I can do in these classes, I am still not getting it, etc. etc. Just a side thing because I had the time it was the only class I was taking - I thought I was addressing the problem, my goal was to keep it low key. Take care of this. Get A’s and study better. Go to Medical School. I knew a guy named Michael who took it and he got into Cornell Medical School, and I remember he spoke on it, then I told him I was thinking of it and he said he didn’t recommend it because of the crashes, which I disregard like crashes no big deal whatever, if I get A’s I’m doing it how bad could it be. Anyways, I need this to be fixed because I am studying and still not getting it, and I have dreams of being a doctor. So I need to fix this now, and be prescribed some medication to help me focus. The doctor referred me to a psychiatrist. (I don’t remember what he told me, if he recommended or what, or if I asked for it, which was probably the case because I didn’t go the doctor’s office for nothing, you know.) so i got the psychiatrist referral during that summer.

also, I gave up on myself when I dropped Chemistry 2A, that summer will be written about as well.

I don’t hold anything against white people. Because my calclus 21B professor gave me a C+ because he saw the work I was putting in, because I’m pretty sure I din’t know anything on that test, maybe I did, becasue you know like I said, I tried. But I remember when I was at office hours, he litterally heard me telling my grandma to wait becasue I was in office hours trying to earn some extra points, I was like waitining in line to speak with him, he walked over to me, broke it down, as fast as he could on a paper, that I saved actually and I wish I still had or could find (it was blue and like of a long trianguar graph this <> but side ways. It might be in the basement, gosh. Secondly, my biopsychology professor TA if it weren’t for him I don’t know if I would’ve graduated - he litterally siad “we are going to get you into grad school” he truly supported me because I don’t think I was going to pass that class without his help, he would ask me questions that he pulled from his laptop, that truly served to help me on the test. I am telling you, those questions were pretty specfic trick A B C or D questions and I knew about half of them because of that. Thirdly, Ms. Martin gave me a holy bible that I still use today - and there’s something about books I received while at Jefferson that just have some kind of special meaning to me. I don’t know but she was tied to it, and the bible she gave me has truly truly led me well. Fourthly, Mr. Stolz is white, c’mon man. Fifth, Matt and Jaiyme is white, I fricking love those guys! So nothing against white people. There’s some good and there’s some bad in every race, the media can choose what they want to focus on and present to the public.

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