#my friend used the word spiral a good while ago and i'd never thought about it like that but it's a good word

[zuzsenpai]

personal post. sorry there's been so many lately. politics mention. verbal abuse mention

Wednesday was rough for A LOT of people, no doubt about it. I was upset and spent the day scrolling through tumblr and talking to friends, grasping at whatever positive messages I could find. A lot of those messages about surviving and living in spite of everything... they did help me. I didn't feel good by the end of the day, but I at least felt loved.

So my mom is 65 and has undiagnosed and unmedicated depression. She's retired and spends a lot of time trying to fill her life with exercise, loom weaving, bible study, book clubs, etc. But she's not a happy person by any means and I can't remember a time in my 36 years of life when she was upbeat or positive in any way. She had a tumultuous childhood filled with a lot of yelling and she had a few traumatic incidents as an adult that she's never gone to therapy for and never will. My mom and I have had pretty bad fights over the years about various things I won't get into, but things had been generally calm recently.

So anyway, on Wednesday evening my dad was out at a basketball game so my mom was alone. I went over there just to kind of be a presence in the house. It was fine for a while, until she brought up the election. She quickly became extremely distraught and started sobbing about how our current government will be overthrown and the US will be a dictatorship and there's nothing to live for. Which, okay. I get it. There are very real possibilities of that happening. But I wanted to try and calm her down. I told her some of the things I had been seeing all day about how they want us to be miserable and have no hope. There are still things to live for and we have to hold those things close. That if I decide to declare everything is over right here and now, then I would have to accept that the rest of my life is going to be miserable forever.

Well she wasn't having any of that. She was very clearly spiraling. I made the colossal mistake of telling her I thought she was catastrophizing and wanted her to calm down. The words came out of my mouth before I could think rationally about what I was saying. Because like... of all days for anyone to be allowed to be distraught and rightfully catastrophize things, Wednesday was it. I just hated seeing her so upset and I guess I wanted it to end.

Well she started screaming at me, which is her right, because I was a shithead. She asked if I thought she didn't have the right to be upset. I tried to apologize and say that of course she has a right to be upset. I just wanted to make it better somehow. She screamed at me to get out of the house. So I left.

I felt like I got my hand burned. I went home and cried until I fell asleep, because I hated how I treated her. It was not lost on me that I was treating her exactly how she's always treated me every time I got upset around her, over the course of my entire life. Instead of listening or being sympathetic, she would try to "fix" the problem, or tell me I'm just crying because I want sympathy, or tell me I'm overreacting. I was told I was overreacting A LOT as a kid and teen. I never got sympathy from her. Ever.

My dad texted me about something unrelated about an hour ago, asking me to pick something up at their house. This was the first time I'd spoken with either of them since that incident on Wednesday. I responded by saying I was concerned about coming over because I was worried mom was angry with me. He told me she's "over it", which... who knows if that's true. There are seemingly minor things I've said to her that she takes to heart and brings up for decades. So you'll have to excuse me if I don't believe she's "over it". Then my dad said:

"Remember she gets emotional then feels bad about it later. You just have to be careful about telling her not to be upset about something. Apparently that happened a lot when she was young."

Yeahhh..... so now I feel even more like shit, and like I said something she's going to take to heart forever. In hindsight, I should have been sympathetic. I know people in her childhood household yelled at each other a lot. I guess it's not a huge leap to think that she was verbally abused and told her emotions weren't valid. I just.... wish that cycle didn't continue from her to me... and apparently now from me back to her. I am notorious for having a hard time thinking before speaking. So uhhhhh I really need to do better.

[lucy90712]

Road to recovery- Part 5

Masterlist

Over the last month Pablo and I have talked pretty much every day in fact there was only one day where we didn't talk at all and that was because we both just happened to have completely opposite schedules so there was no time in the day for us to talk. It has been so nice having someone to talk to about life but also about our injury as there are times you just want to know that someone else is feeling the same as you are and Pablo is always there to tell me what I need to hear. So far things have been tough for both of us as we are usually such active people but when one of us has a bad day the other is always there to offer encouragement which on some days has been much needed. 

Pablo has stuck by his promise of helping me any time I need it too. There has been times that my brother hasn't been able to take me to where I need to go as he's been away racing but every time Pablo has helped me by getting one of his teammates to drive me. Usually Pedri will drive me but sometimes Fermin has driven me place too. It's still weird to me every time one of them shows up as they are always so nice that you could easily forget that they are both famous footballers but that's always in the back of my mind when I see them. I get along with both Pedri and Fermin very well and now I have their numbers too so I can text them if I need help getting somewhere. If you'd have told me on the day I injured myself that a month later I'd have 3 footballers numbers and talk to one everyday I'd have told you that you were nuts. 

Yesterday Pablo and I were texting like we usually do when he asked me if I'd want to go to his place to spend a few hours together. A month ago that would've sent me into a spiral but the two of us have been talking so much that it didn't feel as weird anymore it was just like agreeing to see any other friend. I quickly agreed to see him as we haven't seen each other in person since leaving the hospital and neither of us have seen that many people recently either. Of course we can't do much but we both agreed that it would be nice to at least have some company. 

Although he only asked yesterday Pablo and I agreed to meet today as neither of us have physio today and it's not like we are doing much else. Luckily my brother is able to drive me there all I had to do was tell him when to pick me up and give him the address when he arrives oh and I had to promise that I wouldn't do anything he wouldn't do which is up for interpretation. Everything takes me so much longer now that I can't use my knee so I had to get up earlier than I usually would to shower and get myself ready. I had no idea what to wear as most days I've been wearing sweatpants and a hoodie as no one really sees me but I felt like I should put more effort in if I'm going to see Pablo. In end I put on some jeans and a cute top which looked good but was still comfortable I even did my hair which has spent most of its time up in a bun or a ponytail until today. 

Before I knew it Alonso was letting himself in to my apartment and coming to help me downstairs. He took my bag off me which has all my necessities as well as pain killers as sometimes I still need to take some as the day goes on and we slowly made our way to the lift and then out to his car. I got myself settled into the car while Alonso took my crutches and put them in the back for me before he got in himself. 

"My little sister off to a football players house never thought I'd say those words" Alonso laughed 

"Me neither but here we are" I said 

"I know you've been talking to him every day but I want you to be careful I'm sure he's a great guy but I don't want him taking advantage of you just because he thinks you are going through a tough time and he can convince you to do anything he wants" he lectured 

"He's not like that Alonso he's really sweet and so are the rest of his friend he wouldn't take advantage of me" I said 

"I'm not saying he will but bare in mind both of you are going through a tough time and having someone there for you can skew your feelings for someone I trust your judgement but I just don't want you to get hurt" he said 

"I know but I'm an adult now I can look after myself" I said 

"Just know if anything goes south I now know where he lives and I'm not afraid to show him he can't hurt my sister" he half threatened half joked 

"Like you could win a fight" I laughed 

"I'm starting to wonder why I agreed to drive you" he joked 

Once we arrived Alonso helped me up to Pablo's door even though I was fine doing it myself and he rung the doorbell just as I was about to text Pablo to say I'd arrived. I think he just wanted to see Pablo and make sure I hadn't been given some random address but at the same time I felt embarrassed that when Pablo opened the door my brother would just be stood behind me like I'm a child but he probably won't even think about it. 

Surprisingly when Pablo answered the door he completely ignored Alonso and just pulled me in for a hug straight away. The hug wasn't very steady as the both of us still need our crutches for support but it still felt good to be in his arms. Just like the first time he hugged me I felt safe and like I was at home which I really shouldn't be feeling with a guy I've only met in person twice but it's just how I feel. Once we both pulled away he invited me in so I said goodbye to Alonso before happily going inside suddenly not caring about my brother and if he was going to pick me up later. 

Pablo was so sweet he made sure I was comfortable before going to get me some water even though I said I could do it myself. When he sat down there was an awkward silence for a minute before he asked me how I've been doing which started a conversation and suddenly it was like we had never been apart. It was like seeing an old friend that once you see each other it's like you haven't spent a minute apart even if it's been years. For some reason Pablo and I seemed to just connect with each other and I don't know if part of that is because we are going through the same thing or if we would've been the same if we'd met any other time in our lives. That doesn't matter though because we are friends now and I'm so happy to have someone like Pablo in my life. 

We talked about a whole lot of nothing for ages the time flew by so quickly that we didn't even realise that we hadn't moved for hours until we both said we were hungry at the exact same time which made us laugh. I offered to make lunch for the both of us but Pablo wouldn't let me he insisted that we order food so I tried to offer to pay half but he shut that down very quickly. I felt so bad because he's been doing so much for me and I feel like I'm not giving him anything in return but there's not much I can do as I don't have as big of a support system around me as Pablo does. 

"I feel bad you doing all this for me and I'm not helping you at all" I said 

"Don't say that you have done loads to help me whenever I need someone to talk to you are always there without your support I'd be such a mess don't feel like you have to physically do anything to help me your emotional support is what I need the most" he said 

"Ok but the second you do need anything other than emotional support please tell me and I'll do it" I said 

"I promise I'll call you if I need anything ok as long as you promise not to stress about this again" he said 

"I promise" I replied 

Soon enough our food arrived and after we ate we went back to talking. As we were talking I happened to mention that I'd never played fifa purely because I'd never had much of an interest in football before but as soon as I said that Pablo handed me a controller and started loading fifa. I had no idea what I was doing so he had to teach me all the controls and how the game works but once he'd done that we went straight in. I was so shit at the game I could barely move the players so Pablo beat me 10-0 like it was nothing and I could tell he wasn't even trying. I had no choice but to laugh at how bad I was but Pablo was determined to teach me so he made me sit right next to him so he could help me. Pablo set it up so we were playing against someone random and when the game started he put his hands on top of mine to help me with the controls. We did really well which was a surprise because the whole time all I could think about was the fact that Pablo's hands were on mine and that his body was so close to mine. 

Even after we stopped playing we still sat right next to each other and Pablo had one arm resting behind my back. I could feel my breathing getting quicker by the second but luckily my phone saved me as it started ringing so I had to answer it which made things a lot less awkward. It was my brother asking me when I wanted to be picked up and telling me if I needed him to pick me up it had to be before a certain time as he had something to do. I made him wait a second while I talked to Pablo and we agreed that it would be best if Alonso came to pick me up which meant we had about an hour left together. 

The hour went by so quickly but it was ok because Pablo and I already agreed that we should see each other more often and he promised to text me when he was next free. After taking my stuff from me Alonso waited in the car while I said goodbye to Pablo. He hugged me first before he leaned down and kissed my cheek. In that moment I was so thankful that it was starting to get dark outside as otherwise Pablo would've seen my cheeks turn a bright shade of pink at feeling his lips on me. After that we said goodbye and I hobbled away as quickly as I possibly could only to be met with teasing remarks from my brother once I got in the car which earned him a punch in the arm so he shut up after that leaving me to think about what just happened.

[ifitistobeitisuptous]

I blew up a close relationship this week.

I need to talk about it. I need to grieve it, especially since I killed it. I know you don't need to listen, so I'm putting it all under the cut.

be warned. It's long. Very fucking long.

OK. I'm chatting with a beloved friend a week ago. I'm sleep deprived and behind on my meds. This is very relevant as you shall see.

We have a confusing interaction where I accidentally hurt their feelings. They say we should end the conversation there because things are too weird. I think they have left the conversation entirely, but I find out today they were showing the interaction to a 3rd party to get their opinion on what happened.

Meanwhile I'm panicking because I'd accidentally hurt someone who I love. So I delete any messages that might have been "the cause of the hurt" like an idiot cause a) they are still in the chat and call me on my destroying evidence and 2) I'll never able to point to the exact words I said and carefully explain what I meant.

My panic intensifies and I leave the chat and come back to tumblr where I send them a long message apologising and explaining, while still spiralling into a worse headspace. They tell me to get some sleep.

But I don't.

I'm getting suicidal. Yes I know that is not a rational response to the circumstances. Sleep dep is NOT good for my mental health. And hurting the feelings of someone I care about is a huge suicidal trigger for me.

So I write what is clearly a suicide note. And post it here on this blog. I address it to no one, a generalpost about how shity I feel. I don't even realise it's a suicide note to halfway through it. I don't mention the triggering events, and I say in the tags that it's no ones fault.

I go off and take a (safe) amount of sleeping pills with a (safe) amount of rum. Because even though I'm in distress I know that it's 80% sleep dep, and I can fix that if I self-medicate hard enough.

I come back about 5-10 mins later and delete the suicide note. It had no notes so I hopeful noone saw it.

I put up an apology letter to anyone who did see it, because I don't want to traumatise my followers. And after about 30 mins I take that down, because it too has no notes and I don't want to worry anyone.

I'm starting to calm down and level out, and about 2 hours after I last talked to my friend I go back to send them another apology with the promise that I really was going to sleep now.

Message can't be sent. Blog doesn't exist.

They'd blocked me without a word. I don't know when except sometime in the last 2 hours.

I don't know their mental state. Can't know. I'm worried. I know they also have suicidal issues, so I'm hoping they just blocked me to protect themselves.

I pop back over to discord to let them know I'm OK now. But they'd stopped me messaging them on there also.

Fuck. I had no other contact for them, so I had no way of checking on them to see if they are OK.

Days pass. My worry over them doesn't.

It builds.

5 days I wait. No word.

I'm hurt, but understanding. Their mental health is more important than our friendship. But I can't know the state of their mental health. I was hopeful every time I saw that I had notifications, that maybe they'd re-followed me.

I'd previously reblogged something from one of their mutuals, one I knew they were close to. So I dug through my old posts till I found it, and thus their blog name.

And so I searched their blog for any signs of my beloved friend. And saw they'd interacted 3 days earlier and my friend seemed fine. That should have been enough. If I'd found no evidence of interaction that MIGHT justify some of my following actions. But as it was I... well.

It wasn't enough for me. I made a fake account. A pretty obvious one. Shit, the bio was "stalker". I thought that was a lot less weird then spending the time and emotional energy to craft a believable account. No, none of this is healthy.

I used the sockpuppet to look over my friend's blog. They were posting normally as if their life hadn't had a hole ripped in it. So I followed them with the obvious fake blog. I wanted to get caught I guess. Provoke a reaction. Have them acknowledge I still existed.

They blocked the fake blog without a word.

At this point I'll remind you, gentle reader, that I'm here to explain and mourn, not to try to justify any of my actions.

So yesterday (when sleep deprived again due to a dieing pet) i followed their mutual's blog. With my fake account. I don't even consider following with my actual account, which perhaps might have made sense. Perhaps not. Still pretty stalkery to follow a blog for the sole purpose of seeing when they publicly interact with someone who obviously doesn't want to talk to me.

I still believed if we could just talk I could clear everything up and we could be friends again. Maybe never as close friends again, but they were such a ray of light in my life, I'd hoped to see some of that light again.

But I got their attention. They was angry.

They were angry that I'd deliberately insulted them a week ago, then threatened to kill myself because they'd stopped talking to me. Now as you had read above, that's not how it went down on my end, but now I understood why they had blocked me without comment. If I was who they thought I was being, then yes, block me into the sun. I'd deserve it.

So i felt hope. If I could get them to understand the insult was accidental, that the suicidal thinking wasn't about their actions but mine, that I wasn't trying to manipulate some response from them, then maybe we could fix this.

But of course that wasn't all.

They were also enraged that I'd stalked them and their friend... which yeah, I really had no excuse for. But I still thought that if they could see the first part was a misunderstanding, then a little light stalking is forgivable.

But they couldn't believe that I was innocent of the first part, since I was so clearly guilty of the second. And as they said, they were there a week ago, they knew I'd insulted them then suicide baited them to get them to keep taking to me. And they blocked me again mid my protest.

It could have ended there. It should have ended there.

But I knew. If only I could explain they'd see it was all a big misunderstanding.

So, with the fake account still (God know why?!), I compose an ask to their mutual. And again I'll stress, this is me saying what I did, not what I should have done.

Unfortunately as it was an ask, not a message, I don't have a copy. But it started along the lines of "if you think it would be ok, can you pass this on. I understand and accept that you might ignore it or, block me and that's a fair response."

And so I apologised. I accepted blame. I accepted this was probably the end of our relationship. But I also tried to explain how it was a misunderstanding. And I don't even remember if I addressed the stalking bit. I did say I was never going to log into that fake account again.

then I took a nap. I'd done all i could to mend the relationship (or at least end it with dignity), and I honestly didn't expect a response. Either because the message didn't get passed on, or because my former friend agreed it was the end and didn't contact me again. It was a message in a bottle, cast into the ocean.

I woke to 28 messages.

Threats of police re stalking. 9 messages just with the words "text me". Yelling at me, calling me a coward and immature for not responding. Calling my behaviour disgusting.

and I had been re-blocked. So I couldn't respond.

OK then. That hasn't gone as expected, because I'm an idiot for expecting unrealistic things.

So I spend about 30 mins to find their friends blog again (because I'd forgotten the name), this time with my real account, as I'd said I'd never log into the fake account again.

So to send a quick ask, for them to pass on, that I was asleep and not ignoring their mutual. And could they unblock me if they actually want a response.

Ghost blog. The friend had blocked me also. And fair enough.

But it left me with a problem.

I didn't want to find another friend of theirs and ask them to pass on the "I need to be both unblocked and awake if you want me to reply" message. Even I knew that was too creepy.

So I pinned a little message saying that to the top of my blog thinking that you can't look at blog you have blocked, so there was little chance of them ever seeing it. And thus little chance of me hearing from them again. Can you look at blogs you've got blocked? I've only blocked porn bots and never gone back to check.

Now I had thought that the next time they messaged me was because of that pinned post, but I've been reading over the messages as I'm writing this and I've come to the realisation: they sent me the 28 messages before their friend had passed on the letter to them.

So probable order of events

I sent a letter via their friend -> they message me out of the blue 28 times then reblock -> i pin a note to my blog -> they receive the letter I sent via the friend -> they message me again to yell about that letter.

OK that makes more sense based on what they said.

Anyway. They yell at me. Again. Understandable now as they just got the letter. But they say I'm suicide baiting them, Again!? Now I really wish I had the letter so I can try to see how they came to that conclusion. I mean, maybe because it's tone is of a goodbye (as I think I'll never hear from them again). I'm just confused on that one.

They demand I delete the fake blog. I try to insist I never once suicide bated them. They don't care anymore. They declare the letter via the friend was the last straw and they had now no hope the relationship could be recovered. Which was surprising as I'd thought they were long past that point by now. It was sad but I think I needed to hear them say that.

I said goodbye because I knew they were about to block me a final time. And I said I'll go delete the fake blog. After which they blocked me before I'd finished typing "I'm sorry" again.

So. I'm glad I got to talk this out. It was therapeutic and allowed me to examine myself and my bad decisions. I almost hope none of you read it. I'm going to leave it here, however, as a warning to others to not get to close to me. Or at least make sure those who do know how fucked up I am.

I do want to hear comments and criticisms, sympathies and condemnations. Of me only. No criticism of my former beloved friend.

[fortheloveofwonderland]

Ode to a Conversation Stuck in Your Throat [Spencer Reid x fem! Reader]

Find my masterlist here. Requests are Open.

Based on a wonderful song fic request I received from @itsametaphorbriansblog for the song Ode to a Conversation Stuck in Your Throat by Del Water Gap. I'd never heard the song before but trust me when I say it's awesome and my head was full with these lyrics. And yes, Alice in Wonderland is my favorite book.

Requested: Yes l No

CW: swearing, mentions of drinking, mentions of smut but nothing too explicit, some angst but happy ending.

Plot: Spencer wants to believe he can have a casual relationship with you. But just the thought of someone else touching you the way he does sends him into a tailspin. He wants you all to himself.

WC: 3.9K

—————————————————————

I do not want to fight this anymore

I just want to lay back

And watch you pin me to the bed

How he ended up here was somewhat of a mystery to Spencer but he had no intention of complaining.

He was sure he’d have time to think about it later, but right now all he was focused on was the way you pinned him to the bed, your soft hands wrapped around his wrists.

He was too enamoured taking in every beautiful curve of your body, the swell of your breasts and hips, the feeling of your silky thighs pressed against his own much hairier ones.

He drank you in as you kissed him, your tongue tasting like coffee and vodka. Your lips against his felt as though they’d found their rightful place in the world.

And when you finally lowered yourself on his throbbing member, everything else slipped away. The only thing in the world he could focus on was how fucking good it felt to have you wrapped around him.

It was as though all the stars had aligned and all his birthdays and christmases had come at once.

He never thought he’d have a shot with someone like you. This was better than even his wildest dreams.

I used to call you my best friend

Way back before you were my everything

Now I’m sucking on your neck

You’d worked together for several years and quickly became best friends. But there was always something more between you. Lingering glances, a few too many casual touches.

An odd tension that Spencer had never been able to put his finger on until the first time you saw each other naked and it vanished.

It had started after a few too many drinks at Rossi’s and ended in Spencer’s bed. That had been six months ago and since then the two of you spent all your free time between the sheets together.

It just made sense.

But you had made it clear it was simply sex, a means to an end. You were seeing another guy who knew about Spencer too. You told Spencer he was free to see other women.

He didn’t want to see other women. He only ever wanted to see you. He wanted to see you all the time, preferably naked and sitting on his cock.

He had agreed this was fine. He was ok with this arrangement. He’d told you he was fine with this other guy you were seeing if he was fine with you seeing Spencer.

Fine. Everything was just fine.

And you wrote my favorite song

Now I’m fucked up and carrying on

I do not know the words yet, oh

It had been a lie.

He thought he could separate the physical from his feelings but he wasn’t that kind of man. He wished he could be. But the idea of not having you all to himself made him feel sick.

And it hits me

I don't want anybody else touching you like I do

Like I do

Like me

He thought he was ok with it until he was lonely in his apartment one night. He text you asking you to come over.

Your response told him you were with your other man. And he spiralled.

He couldn’t help his mind wander over the things you would be doing together.

Did he kiss you on your neck the way you loved? Did he know the way you liked to be touched?

Did he make you feel the way Spencer did? Did he make you come the way Spencer knew how?

The thought of you naked being pleasured by another man made his heart ache. Images of you touching him, being fucked by him, screaming his name; it was too much.

He wanted to be the only one who got to touch you like that; to see you at your orgasms peak.

It really wasn’t fair. He didn’t want to share you. He didn’t want to be left alone in his room wracked with sadness at the thought of you with another man.

Is it okay?

That I don’t want anybody else touching you like I do

Like I do

Like me

Yeah

“What did you get up to with Matt last night?” Spencer asked as he made you both coffees the next morning.

You rolled your eyes.

“Mark.” you sighed as you spoke. You knew Spencer knew his name, he had an eidetic memory for god sake. He was doing it deliberately.

“Matt, Mark same difference.” he shrugged, pouring sugar into his cup.

“We just hung out.” you took the other mug he’d filled and twirled your spoon around in it. “You know, usual stuff.”

You leant back against the counter, holding the warm mug between your hands and inhaling the smell.

Spencer turned to look at you.

You had a noticeable hickey on your neck, one he certainly hadn’t left. You must know he could see it.

“The usual stuff you and Morgan would do when you hang out or the usual stuff you and I do when we hang out?”

You rolled your eyes again and pushed yourself away from the counter and headed back towards your desk.

Spencer followed close behind you.

“Just because you don’t speak doesn’t mean you didn’t answer.” he whispered as he caught up with you. “Nice hickey.”

He practically stormed to his desk and threw himself in the chair.

You sighed to yourself. You should have known Spencer would be this way.

A little while later Morgan passed by your desk as you had your nose buried in a case file.

“Ohhh looks like pretty girl got some loving last night! The size of that mark on your neck Miss thing!”

You looked up at him, your cheeks stained crimson.

You made brief eye contact with Spencer. If you weren’t mistaken, his eyes were filled with tears.

He pushed his chair back and stormed away from where JJ and Emily were now getting a good look at your hickey too.

“What’s up with him?” Morgan frowned.

“I don’t think he’s feeling too good today.” You replied.

It wasn’t exactly a lie.

Tell me that nobody else touches you

Like I do, like I do

Oh, tell me that nobody else touches you like me

Tell me that nobody else touches you

Like I do, like I do

Oh, tell me that nobody else touches you like me

There was no case to take you out of the state and you were looking forward to going home.

Spencer caught up with you as you stepped in the elevator and shoved his way inside just before the doors closed.

“Do you want to come over?” he asked the second the doors shut behind him.

“Not tonight Spence, I’m exhausted.” you stifled a yawn as if to prove your point.

“Did you use all your energy on Mike?” he sounded so bitter.

“I did not use all my energy on Mark. I’m tired from dealing with a whiny, jealous baby all day.” you rolled your eyes yet again.

“I’m not jealous.” he scoffed. “Or whiny. Or a baby.”

“Sure you aren’t.” The elevator came to a stop and the doors opened.

You patted Spencer on his shoulder as you stepped out.

“Goodnight Spencer, I’ll see you tomorrow.”

He pouted a little as he watched you go.

Maybe it was time to just let you go entirely.

You’re pulling on my habit lines

The more I smoke the more I find

I can’t just fall asleep instead

One am and Spencer’s phone startled him awake. He was used to being called in the middle of the night for work so he was wide awake in an instant.

He grabbed his phone from the nightstand and put it to his ear.

“Reid.” he spoke, expecting it to be Hotch calling about a case.

“Hey,” your voice was low and sultry.

Spencer swallowed.

“What?” he knew what. He knew exactly what you were calling for.

He had to say no. He had to stay strong. He couldn’t keep giving in to you. Not anymore.

“You know what. Don’t play dumb Spence, it doesn’t suit you.”

“I’m sleeping.”

“Well I’m touching myself.” you moaned softly. “But I do wish it was your hand between my legs.”

You heard a breathy sigh leave his lips. You knew that was enough to make him hard.

“Fuck Y/N,” he groaned. “I’ll be over in a half hour.”

You grinned as you hung up the phone.

Spencer wished he wasn’t so weak. He wished he could say no to you.

He wished he could tell you it was him or Mark. You had to choose.

He would if he didn’t fear the answer.

And you’re not my protector

I hope you know it wasn’t her

That kept me off your side of the bed, oh

He put his all in that night. He wanted to make you feel the best you’d ever felt so the next time you saw Mark you were thinking of him.

He made you come seven times, you honestly didn’t think you would walk for days after. By the time the sun came up you were so sensitive you didn’t know if you’d be able to dress for work without your clothes flustering your sensitive skin.

“Jeez Spence, I hope we’ve got another office day today.” You ached all over. “I don’t know if I’m going to be any good in the field like this.”

He felt an odd sense of pride. You’d remember this, you’d remember how good he’d made you feel.

He hoped he’d fucked Mark right out of your head.

And it hits me

I don’t want anybody else touching you

Like I do

Like I do

Like I do

Like me

“Jesus pretty girl, your hickeys have hickeys!” Morgan chuckled as you walked into the BAU with no sleep and only one coffee in your system.

Spencer tried to hide the smug look from his face.

“Another night with your lover boy aye?” Emily nudged you in the arm as you made a beeline for the coffee machine.

He felt very good about himself right now.

“Speaking of your lover boy,” JJ piped up. “You had some flowers delivered this morning.”

Spencer’s face fell. No. No that wasn’t fair.

You forgot all about the coffee and headed to your desk where a beautiful array of red roses awaited you.

Spencer wanted to take them and stomp on them. The way you were stomping on his heart.

“Oh wow.” You smiled as you read the note. “How sweet.”

“If you ask me he’s trying too hard.” Spencer tried not to sound bitter or sad as he spoke. He failed miserably.

“Well good job no ones asking you.” You shot him an annoyed glance.

The tension suddenly grew thick. You and Spencer glared at one another while Morgan, Emily and JJ stared on in confusion.

“We have a case.” Hotch’s voice broke the stare off.

Thank god you thought. Saved before you had a chance to say something you’d regret.

You put the flowers down and headed towards the round table room. You heard Spencer shuffling behind you.

“What was that about?” JJ frowned.

“Your guess is as good as mine.” Emily shrugged.

“I think I’ve got an idea.” Morgan smirked as the three of them started to follow. “Pretty boy has a crush on pretty girl.”

It is okay?

That I don’t want anybody else touching you

Like I do

Like I do

Like me

You barely said two words to Spencer in the four days you spent in Missouri unless it pertained to the case.

Everyone could tell something was amiss between the two of you. The team was so used to your playful banter and inside jokes you had with one another. It was painfully obvious something was going on.

It was late when you arrived back at Quantico so Hotch sent you all straight home.

Spencer caught up with you in the parking lot.

“Y/N, can we talk?”

“No.” You didn’t turn back to look at him as you headed to your car.

“Y/N please we need to talk.”

“I’m sick of this.” You groaned as you reached your vehicle. “You said you were ok with us seeing other people Spencer.” You spun back to look at him.

He was playing with the strap of his messenger back in an awkward fashion.

“Well...I’m not.” He shrugged.

“No shit.” You scoffed. “I’m sorry Spencer but I can’t do this anymore. I like Mark, he’s nice. We have fun.”

“So I’m not nice? You don’t have fun with me?” He stepped a little closer to you.

“You’re draining Spencer.” You confessed. “I once thought maybe you and I could be more than, whatever this is, but it’s exhausting Spence. With Mark it’s just easy. We spoke yesterday and he said he wanted us to get serious. No seeing other people. I told him I’d like that.”

Spencer’s heart felt like it had been ripped from his chest. He felt as though you had punched the air from his lungs.

He fought for a breath, stumbling on his feet a little.

“You’re...you’re choosing him?”

“Yes.” You chewed your lip guilty. “I’m sorry Spencer but honestly, you’re too much like hard work.” You turned away from him and opened the drivers door, closing it quickly behind you before you changed your mind.

You watched Spencer in your rear view mirror as you pulled out of your parking space.

He hadn’t moved. He just stood there, dejected and sad staring in your wake.

You were barely out of the parking lot before your first tear fell.

You’re in his living room

And it may not mean much you

But your plates are in his sink

And your sweaters on his bed

Won’t you text me when you’re home?

My baby, spare me all the rest

It had been little over a month and Spencer wouldn’t make eye contact with you. He wouldn’t speak directly to you. He wouldn’t even be in the same room as you if he could help it.

At this point the whole team knew something was up. Hotch had pulled you both up on it but you’d both lied and said everything was fine.

Everything was far from fine.

Every night for just over a month Spencer had cried himself to sleep. He’d spent his waking hours in his apartment imaging what the two of you were doing.

Were you laughing at movies? Reading together? Having romantic dinners or walks in the park hand in hand? Were you making love over and over again?

His sleep was haunted by thoughts of you too. No where was safe. He’d started wondering if he could even work with you anymore. Maybe it was time to go into teaching?

Being around you every day just didn’t seem like an option anymore because every time he saw you, his heart broke all over again.

Please just tell me

That nobody else touches you like I do

Oh tell me that nobody touches you like me

It wasn’t just that he’d lost the woman he had started developing feelings for, he had lost his best friend too. He wanted to talk to someone about the heartache he was feeling and usually that someone would be you.

He wanted his best friend back. It was killing him.

He didn’t know how to deal with losing you so he didn’t. He didn’t know how to talk to you anymore so he stopped talking to you altogether.

The flower deliveries stopped after a few months which made it slightly easier for him to forget about you dating another man.

After about seven months your demeanor shifted a little. You stopped talking about Mark as much and were more vague about your weekend plans.

By the time it was coming up to a year you stopped talking about him entirely. When Spencer overheard you speaking to JJ or Emily about your weekend plans it was always along the lines of “TV and pizza for one.”

For Garcia’s birthday the whole team was going out for drinks at a local bar. Since you ended things with him Spencer avoided hanging out with the team outside of work when you would be there. He would always come up with some kind of excuse.

But Garcia was not the kind of person to take no for an answer.

So reluctantly he went along. Emily helped him pick out a gift for her, a unicorn charm for her bracelet. Certainly not something Spencer would have chosen but Emily insisted the tech analyst would love it.

Whilst in the jewelry store a delicate silver necklace had caught his eye. It had an intricate charm of a bottle with a little label with the words “Drink Me” etched into it.

It had taken him back to a conversation from years past.

You were still new to the team and trying to keep your head down and not get in anyone's way. The team was all so close and you didn’t want to step on any toes.

On the way back from your latest case in New York you didn’t sleep like the rest of the team. You were wide awake, probably on a high from the adrenaline brought on by the case.

You sat at the back of the jet alone with your head buried in a book. You didn’t notice someone watching you or approaching you until you heard the leather seat opposite you squeak a little as your company sat down.

You looked up to see Spencer smiling softly at you.

“What are you reading?” he asked with genuine interest.

You blushed a little chewing your lip, turning the book over in your hands.

“Alice in Wonderland.” you slid the old book across the table to him.

He picked it up cautiously and turned the worn pages.

“First edition.”

“Yeah.” you nodded as he looked back up at you. “It was my dad’s. He used to read it to me when I was young. He passed away a few years ago and it helps me feel close to him.” it was the most open you’d been since joining the team.

Spencer smiled at you sadly and handed you back the book.

“I’m sorry about your dad. But that’s nice you have that.”

“Yeah I suppose it is.”

Emily had stepped out of the store to take a phone call and he had found himself purchasing the necklace. He didn’t know why. He couldn’t help himself.

Garcia had loved her charm, she’d squealed and hugged him so tightly Spencer felt the air being squeezed from his lungs.

She opened the rest of her presents while the rest of the team drank. You and Spencer kept making accidental eye contact and each time you would both smile awkwardly at one another.

You got up from the table to buy a round of drinks. Spencer watched you go. It would be his perfect chance to get to talk to you. He needed to know what was going on. Had you and Mark split up? And if you had, did that mean there was anyway he still stood a chance with you?

He’d wanted to ask for so long but every time he went to say something, the words got stuck in his throat, refusing to leave.

But this time he was determined. He needed to know where he stood once and for all.

At the very least could he get his best friend back?

And it hits me

I don’t want anybody else touching you

Like I do

Like I do

Like me

“Thought you might need a hand.” Spencer sidled up next to you. It was the closest you’d been to one another in almost a year.

“Thanks.” you smiled softly, a little awkwardly.

You looked at each other for a moment, neither of you sure what to say to each other.

Not so long ago the two of you could talk about anything and everything until you were blue in the face. You never ran out of things to talk to each other about. So much had changed.

Spencer reached into his inside pocket and pulled out the small jewelry box. He turned it over in his hand a few times before he held his hand out.

“I saw this when I was getting Garcia’s birthday present and I couldn’t help myself.” he shrugged like it was no big deal.

You chewed your lip as you cautiously took the box from him. You ran your fingers over it for a few seconds before you slowly opened it.

Tears immediately sprang to your eyes as you looked down at the little Alice in Wonderland themed necklace cushioned inside the box.

You looked back up at Spencer with a sniff.

“Spence,” a small tear escaped your eye. “You remembered.”

“I remember everything about you.” he shrugged again.

You sniffed back any more tears that might fall and gently lifted the necklace from the box.

“Could you help me?” you held it out for Spencer who nodded and took the necklace from you.

He unclasped it as you turned around. He gently draped it around your neck and secured it.

You turned back to face him, you fingers on the necklace charm.

“Thank you so much Spencer, I love it.”

“You’re welcome.” he smiled. “I hope Mitch doesn’t mind you wearing it.”

You couldn’t help but laugh.

“We broke up.” you didn’t bother to correct him on his name. “A few months ago.”

“Oh.” Spencer tried not to look too pleased about this. “Do you mind me asking why?”

“I think you know why.” you stepped a little closer to him. “He wasn’t the right man for me.”

“Oh.” he squeaked a little. “That’s uhm...I’m sorry to hear that.”

“No you aren’t.” you laughed, stepping even closer to him.

You placed your hands carefully on his shoulders and you felt him practically melt into your touch.

“Anyway I’m the one that should be sorry.” you whispered.

“For what?” he croaked, feeling weak at your proximity.

“For choosing the wrong man. I should have known better.” you wrapped your arms around his neck, your body so close he could feel your warmth. “I don’t know if I’ve ever told you this before, but I have a guilty pleasure for rom-coms.”

“You’ve definitely never told me that before. I would have remembered giving you a hard time for that.” he laughed a little and so did you.

“Yeah, I figured as much.” you nodded. “Anyway, with my extensive knowledge of rom-coms I should have known.”

“Should have known what?” he swallowed a lump in his throat.

“That the girl always ends up with the best friend.” and with that you pressed your lips against his.

Spencer immediately took hold of your face in his hands and deepened the kiss.

You didn’t care that your whole team was probably watching. You didn’t care the whole bar could have been watching. All you cared about was Spencer.

When the kiss broke you both had tears in your eyes. You kept your arms around his neck and he wrapped his around your waist to keep you close.

“I never want to have to think about someone else touching you the way I do again Y/N. I want to be the only person who gets to touch you.”

“Ok.” you smiled brightly at him. “But only if I get to be the only person who gets to touch you.”

Spencer laughed, kissing you again.

“That my love,” he smiled. “Is all I’ve ever wanted.”

Is it okay?

That I don’t want

Anybody else touching you like I do

Like I do

Like me

—————————————————————

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[latte-fairytaekwoon]

𝓐𝓾𝓻𝓸𝓻𝓪 𝓐𝓼𝔂𝓵𝓾𝓶: 𝓙𝓮𝓸𝓷𝓰 𝓨𝓾𝓷𝓱𝓸

𝚆𝚊𝚛𝚗𝚒𝚗𝚐𝚜: 𝙼𝚎𝚗𝚝𝚒𝚘𝚗𝚜 𝚘𝚏 𝚝𝚘𝚡𝚒𝚌 𝚛𝚎𝚕𝚊𝚝𝚒𝚘𝚗𝚜𝚑𝚒𝚙, 𝚢𝚊𝚗𝚍𝚎𝚛𝚎 𝚋𝚎𝚑𝚊𝚟𝚒𝚘𝚛, 𝚊𝚕𝚕𝚞𝚜𝚒𝚘𝚗𝚜 𝚝𝚘 𝚜𝚎𝚕𝚏 𝚑𝚊𝚛𝚖, 𝚜𝚞𝚒𝚌𝚒𝚍𝚊𝚕 𝚝𝚑𝚘𝚞𝚐𝚑𝚝𝚜 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚝𝚎𝚗𝚍𝚎𝚗𝚌𝚒𝚎𝚜, 𝚖𝚎𝚗𝚝𝚒𝚘𝚗𝚜 𝚘𝚏 𝚜𝚞𝚒𝚌𝚒𝚍𝚎, 𝚜𝚎𝚕𝚏 𝚍𝚎𝚐𝚛𝚊𝚍𝚊𝚝𝚒𝚘𝚗 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚘𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚛 𝚝𝚛𝚒𝚐𝚐𝚎𝚛𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚝𝚘𝚙𝚒𝚌𝚜. 𝚁𝚎𝚊𝚍 𝚊𝚝 𝚢𝚘𝚞𝚛 𝚘𝚠𝚗 𝚍𝚒𝚜𝚌𝚛𝚎𝚝𝚒𝚘𝚗.

𝙿𝚊𝚒𝚛𝚒𝚗𝚐: 𝚈𝚊𝚗𝚍𝚎𝚛𝚎! 𝙹𝚎𝚘𝚗𝚐 𝚈𝚞𝚗𝚑𝚘 × 𝙿𝚜𝚢𝚌𝚑𝚘𝚕𝚘𝚐𝚒𝚜𝚝 𝚁𝚎𝚊𝚍𝚎𝚛 (𝙵𝚎𝚖𝚊𝚕𝚎)

𝚆𝚘𝚛𝚍 𝙲𝚘𝚞𝚗𝚝: 𝟹𝙺

𝙶𝚎𝚗𝚛𝚎: 𝙰𝚗𝚐𝚜𝚝, 𝚂𝚕𝚒𝚐𝚑𝚝 𝙵𝚕𝚞𝚏𝚏, 𝚈𝚊𝚗𝚍𝚎𝚛𝚎 𝙰𝚄

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I breathed out an airy and desolate sigh through my nose, obviously I unconsciously did it a little too loud as the raven haired male sitting across from me looked down at the floor.

"It was all my fault.....wasn't it?"

I looked up, the glasses sitting on my nose bridge tilting slightly that I had to push them back up so I could study his features, or should I say, his expressions. His eyelids never blinked once, his eyes were trained on the pattern of the carpet underneath him, but I knew his mind was elsewhere. I looked with pity at the bandages wrapped around his wrists, some of the edges stained with fresh blood. I gulped slightly, my stomach threatening to spill out my meager lunch of an apple and avocado toast slice from earlier. I could handle hearing patients tell and retell me about how they stabbed their parents to death, cut off their significant other's genitals because they were unloyal to them, even tackled a deranged lunatic that once tried to...... seduce me to put mildly.......

But to this day, I can't help but get dizzy when I treat or deal with patients who are self harming victims, because yes, they are victims. Victims of their own self loathing, guilt, and depressive state that isn't their fault. It just pains me so much to see them resort to such drastic measures...

But I'm also not stupid and know some, if not most only do it for attention or to manipulate others, and Yunho is a case not far from it. Which is why I was the one sent to deal with him. All the other psychologists would have fallen for his sad puppy eyes, good looks, well built physique and would have released him too early into the world. Not that he's dangerous and a threat to society, but he's not emotionally nor mentally stable to go deal with daily life yet. And I'm not a softie by any means even if I'm patient and meek doctor when necessary. But I'm objective and I seek deeper into the true person hiding behind the front they put in front of me.

"Do you believe it was your fault Yunho?" Usually one would get scolded for answering a question with a question, but I prefer this method in order to get my patients to reason and draw out their own conclusions......

And makes them pour out their true answers.

I watch Yunho ponder for a moment.

"It has to be- otherwise she wouldn't have...wouldn't have-"

He bites back a choked sob, teeth tightening and gritting against themselves as he fails to contain his tears. His hands cover his face as he begins to cry uncontrollably, desperate and heartwrenching wails resonating throughout the 4 walls keeping us company. Reaching for the purple plaid box on the coffee table between us, I take out a few tissues and stand up from my seat. Lightly tapping on his shoulder, I whisper a 'here' to him. He thanks me, but since he's crying too hard no sound comes out his throat. For the next few minutes, he's blowing out his runny nose, all red just like his eyes from crying too hard. He's sniffling while trying to control his previous hyperventilating session. I want to hug him or at least give him a pat in the back. But I can't, I can only sit back and try to imagine the agony he's probably going through, try to put myself in his shoes as I dive deep into the event that got him here in the first place:

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Coming back from a trip to the store, Yunho momentarily looks around confused when he heard his baby daughter crying. Quickly putting the bags on the kitchen counter, he makes his way over to the nursery that adjoined the main bedroom. Calling out for his wife, he receives no response as he walks down the hallway. He calls once more for her but stops midway as he opens the slightly ajar door. His heart stops beating and his veins run cold as he stares into the lifeless body of his beloved wife hanging in the room, feeling as if the oxygen is being ripped out from his lungs, suffocating slowly.

As if sensing his agitation, his daughter's cries from the other room grow louder, so much that they raise concern from their next door neighbor, a kind and sweet old lady who more than once has offered her help in watching over the child or help them out in any way she could. Typing in the passcode, she makes it there just in time to stop the tall male from inflicting more harm upon himself as he holds onto his wife's body in agony. Having been left with no choice, she immediately calls for an ambulance, who arrive there shortly and take him to a nearby hospital.

He was monitored 24/7 as he had a history of attempted suicide before. The nurses and doctors didn't want another episode to happen again, not wanting to leave a barely 1 year old fatherless as well as motherless. As an investigation went, police found a journal hidden deep between the mattresses on the bed. When they poured over the first pages, they knew there was much more to the story than just a doting husband who couldn't live without his wife, hence why he was relocated to the infamous asylum......

And a specialized woman was tasked to not only unmask the truth, but hopefully help a poor broken mind be put back together again.

❃❃❃❃❃❃❃❃❃❃❃❃❃❃❃❃❃❃❃❃❃❃❃❃

Hence why I'm here now, the folder I had read over and over again still on my lap. It honestly amazed me that I'd actually get to work on a case like this, and of course I took up the challenge of digging into a mind like Yunho's, not just to help him, but to leave a precedent for any other situations like this that came after.

"A precedent?" I remember the officer asking me.

"Yes. You'd be surprised just how common these types of toxic relationships there are in an everyday basis yet no one ever looks deeper because they're too focused treating a depressed person who's trying to kill themselves and don't focus on what they really are...."

Shutting the folder, I tucked it under my arm before turning on my heel.

"A manipulative individual who'll do anything to keep someone tied to them forever."

That's how I viewed Yunho, it's how I should be viewing him. At least until I could hopefully get him to change.

"How's......is my daughter ok?"

I let out a soft hum and nod as I scribbled something down on the notepad.

"She's fine. We're having someone take care of her in the meantime, don't worry."

Yunho let out a sigh of relief, fingers fidgeting against his thighs as he mustered up the courage to say something.

"Could I.....could I please see her?"

From the sad look in my eyes he could already tell the answer was negative.

"I'm sorry Yunho....I'm afraid until we see some improvement, we can't allow you to be reunited with her just yet."

I tried to keep my voice steady as I said that, bracing myself to possibly see him breakdown once more. He had already lost his wife and now learning that his only child was forced away from him could possibly send him spiraling down into another episode.

But Yunho instead took a deep breath and seemed calm.

"I understand.....it's ok..." I knew he was saying those last two words more to himself than to me.

Lifting his face up, he suddenly shocked me by looking so bright and rather happy.

"So I guess it's best if we begin right?"

Even to this day, I don't know whether I should have been delighted to have such a compliant patient.....

Or terrified.

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"Tell me Yunho, what was your first reaction when you saw your wife?"

A subtle hint of a smile curled at the corners of his lips.

"I thought she was the kindest and most caring person in the world, very pretty too. She just walked in and the room instantly lit up."

He was reminiscing about those times, I could tell. That fond look on his face was unmistakable.

"Do you believe you fell in love at first sight with her?"

His smile suddenly dissipated, eyebrows scrunching together as if recollecting memories from so long ago.

"I think.......I felt attracted to her.....but.....I don't think it was love?"

I could tell he felt conflicted with himself, but that's exactly what I wanted. I want him to question every feeling and sensation he felt at the moment so he could decide for himself if it was real or just a mere illusion he held. If he starts to second guess or question what he felt then he'd start reasoning and come to the conclusion that what he felt was wrong and mistaken. He'd see that his actions weren't justified.

"So when do you truly believe you fell in love with her?"

I stopped writing on my notepad and watched him close his eyes as he tried to pinpoint the exact time he felt whatever he thought was love.

"One night....one of our friends was feeling down in spirits. I witnessed how caring she was towards them...kindly reassuring them that they were loved, that they mattered. I vividly remember her kind eyes and loving smile as she comforted them. Then it hit me that she was that kind of person. Selfless, caring, doting, would sacrifice anything for her friends and family...... it was hard for anyone not to fall in love with her."

He turned his hand over, studying the wedding ring that he still wore to this day, the engravings of their initials being his prime interest.

"And at that moment I knew I had to have her. I couldn't let anyone else have her. I wanted her.... that love, compassion, empathy..her confidence and strong nature, I wanted-"

He stopped mid sentence and his eyes wizened in horror as he came to the realization I had foreseen long ago. He looked up at me, meeting my unwavering eyes that held no emotion at that moment.

"She had all the qualities I had always lacked in."

I took my glasses off and nodded.

"And I unconsciously wanted them for myself.... but the only way I could have them was...through her?" He seemed sickened with himself.

"Not exactly Yunho. You could have learnt to love yourself and raise your self esteem." I quickly scribbled my observation down.

"But I didn't. Instead I caged her up and slowly tore her down."

I couldn't help but let out an involuntary smile as he drew out that conclusion.

"Glad to know you've accepted that fact, even if it took several months for you to understand."

Shutting the notepad, I lifted myself up from my chair, straightening my blouse. Yunho followed suit.

"Is our session over?" He was always so polite, always escorting me out and holding the door open for me, which other doctors would have adamantly refused, too scared to come close to their patients. But not me. I let them have certain liberties at times.

"Not yet Yunho. As you've made remarkable progress, I got permission for you to see someone."

He was momentarily confused for a split second. Poor thing probably thought it was one of the nurses coming in to give him some new medication to take, which he hated with a passion. Stepping outside for a brief moment, I happily took the young baby in my arms, the little girl already used to seeing me as I always went to go see her after being with Yunho for a few hours. When I came back inside he had his back turned to me, once again staring off into nowhere. The light gurgled babbles the baby emitted caught his attention immediately. He whipped his head around so fast I thought he'd break his neck for a second. He teared up as the child began squealing in excitement as she recognized her father right away.

"Oh my-" He choked up with tears that he couldn't finish his sentence.

I calmly walked over to him, lightly bouncing the baby in my arms. Yunho hesitantly reached his hands out.

"Can I..?" He had such a hopeful glint in his eyes.

I didn't answer, I merely held his daughter out to him. As soon as she felt his embrace, she latched onto him as if he was one of the teddy bears she often slept with. Perhaps he was one.

No....he is one.

In my time of spending time with Yunho, I've come to strongly believe he is a sweet and tender individual. And judging by the way the little girl feels safe in his arms, I do believe he is capable of being truly loved.....

If he learns how to properly love not just someone else, but himself too.

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Stepping out of my car, I quickly grab the small pink bag on the passenger seat before locking it. Treading through the small patch of green grass, I ring the doorbell and wait for one of the occupants to open up for me. No surprise, I'm greeted by the same raven haired male I met nearly 3 years ago. He looks delighted to see me.

"Y/N. Hi!"

I wave at him, a small but genuine smile on my features.

"Hi Yunho. Did I come at a bad time?" I notice the apron covered in flour and leftover egg on it.

"Oh no not at all. Please come in."

Moving aside to let me pass, my nose catches the scent of baked goods filling the air. I can distinctly recognize the hints of lavender and french vanilla, an odd but surprisingly tasty combination. I spot out of the corner of my eye a little head peeking out from the kitchen, curious to know who had come to pay them a visit. Letting out a squeal, she quickly ran over to attach herself on my leg.

"Y/N!"

I chuckled and lightly run my fingers through her hair which was longer than the last time I saw it.

"Hi Jina, I see you've been baking something." We both chuckle as I scraped off some cake batter that had gotten on the tip of her button nose.

"Me and dad are making cupcakes for my friend's birthday party tomorrow." She explained.

"Wow that's a really nice gesture. I bet they'll turn out delicious."

Remembering that I was short on time and that I had one last task to carry out, I pull out the bag I had hidden behind my back and hand it to her.

"It's for you."

Her eyes began to sparkle so much they could rival all the stars in the galaxy. After thanking me like 20 thousand times, she plopped her tiny body on the couch to tear into the contents inside it. I shake my head before taking out a small paper from inside my trench coat.

"And this is for you."

Taking the slip from my fingers, Yunho opens it up and scans what it says. He seems confused for a moment, not fully understanding what it means. He looks to me once more, probably for the last time, asking for an explanation.

"It's your official release from the institution. No more drop in visits, no more eyes on you 24/7, and soon you won't have to continue with the prescribed medication, although when that happens they will send someone once in a while to check up and make sure you're ok without them."

Yunho nods but it is a rather sad and pained nod.

"So this means you won't be seeing us any longer?"

I inhale deeply and nod.

"This was a temporary thing until you got better Yunho. After all....I was only the doctor assigned to you."

It hurt me to say that as much as it probably hurt him, as much as it'd hurt Jina to know I wouldn't be coming back anymore.

"Can't we at least be friends?"

I hated seeing those puppy eyes of him practically beg me, signature trait he passed on to his daughter.

"That would be completely unprofessional of my part Yunho. I deeply cherish and treasure all the time we spent together and I'm beyond happy and satisfied that you've come so far since the start of our journey..."

I sighed deeply.

"But every journey has an end." He finished my sentence.

Extending his hand out to me, I took it and gave it a firm shake.

"I'm really going to miss you." He admitted.

"Me too. Me too."

Going over to the momentarily forgotten 4 year old, she let out an 'oof' when she suddenly found herself cooped up in my embrace.

"Take care of yourself and of your dad ok?"

I kissed the top of her head, her grinning face not registering that this might be the last time she ever saw me. Yunho walked me out the door and even escorted me all the way to my car. Always the gentleman, he held the door open for me. Before I could even get one foot inside, I felt a large hand grip my wrist. Turning to him, I was flustered when he suddenly pulled me close to him.

"Please don't leave. I need you....I..."

He looked conflicted with himself as he tried to finish his words. Taking a deep breath, he confessed:

"I love you."

My heart sank. He said the 3 words I hoped he'd never direct at me. Mainly because I was scared as he was. Don't get me wrong, Yunho is a wonderful man, and he truly deserves to be loved....

But am I certain that he has finally learned to love? Or is it because he feels he needs me?........

Only one way to find out.

❃❃❃❃❃❃❃❃❃❃❃❃❃❃❃❃❃❃❃❃❃❃❃❃

[heroes-writing]

OH MY!! I've been waiting for so long to finally see you back! I was so sad when I followed you quite a while ago and saw that you were on hiatus... Your writing is so good and I must confess that digging through your blog all this time was a very good experience, I think I even made it to the very beginning ? You also made me discover a bunch of talented opm writers, so for all of the above... Thank you 🖤 What I'd like to request is: Genos reacting to reader's [1/2]

Thank you for the love!! And sorry for the wait on this, I just went off into the sunset with this prompt, so please forgive me if it’s not quite the tone you’re looking for lol. I had a few ideas and I wanted to try and make a realistic confession?? Ehh it was worth a try lol! Hope you enjoy! (Also under a readmore cuz I nearly hit 3k words oof)

Word Count: 2927

 “COME SEE THE DEMON CYBORG DIE!! KYAHAHA!” The monster dripped with venom as it splayed its arms wide for the crowd to see.

You watch. Both numb and afraid, as it releases another cackle that steams in the air. In the next breathless moment, it raises a foot over Genos like a child about to stomp on a bug. The cries of panic from the crowd only seem to spur it on.

The cyborg in question raises a quivering hand to the sky. The center of his palm glowing and burning—but it flickers out like a candle as the monster stomps. The ground shakes, nearby buildings creak, your own jaw clenches hard enough to hurt.

…It was more than you could take, and you knew it was time to step in.

Sorry, Genos.

You tried to give him every opportunity you could. You hadn’t lifted a finger to help him just as he asked. …You had watched 20 grueling minutes of fighting as he wore himself down to bits and pieces.

All so he could learn to be stronger…

But I can stand this anymore!

As if waving a white flag or asking a question. You thrust your hand into the sky.

“Get away from him! Now!” Your shout is desperate, and in a swirl of vivid color, the entire spectrum of your magic explodes into existence.

Clouds, smoke, mist.

Refractive in the light, brilliant in the sun, your power consumed the monster whole. Not a peep escaped as you smothered its every sound and squashed it’s mass. The energy churned, wringing itself into a tight crooked line, till nothing but sparkling motes of dust remained.

You brought your fist close to your face as the colors blurred around your body, intimately connected to your emotions.

Worry, stress, love. It had you panting till the knuckles of your fist blanched and the ground beneath you shattered.

…The reality was that you were painfully close to tears.

Almost unable to contain your feelings, the threshold of your energy fought against its limits--

“(Name).” Called Genos.

Then his voice softened just for your ears, “…It’s alright.”

“I’m alright.”

…And just like that—

Your power dissolves into fluffy clouds and curls like harmless waves.

Your eyes blink away hot tears, and your shoulders fall into a deep slump.

He’s okay??

With one unsteady foot you take a step towards Genos, before you throw your entire body forward with your hands stretched out. Genos! Genos! Genos!

You nearly careen over the edge of the large crater in the street as you look down at the mess that is the S-Class hero.

No legs or left arm to speak of. You see him twist his head with great effort to meet your worried gaze. His eyes are blank, and electricity crackles from various places around his body—For your benefit only, he lifts his remaining hand and sways it from side to side in a half-hearted wave.

“Genos…” You pant, unsure of where to even start this time, but he turns to blink at the sky in a way that’s almost casual.

“Forgive me, I’ve been defeated again.” To your relief, his voice is the same as ever. His determined eyes glint dangerously even as he lays shattered.

“...Don’t worry about that.” You sigh, “Here, let me pick you up.”

With your magic blurring around the area, you searched the ground for pieces of your friend. Your crush.  

…Every new iteration of Genos held his aura, both yellow and black in hue. You supposed it represented his optimism and his vengeance.

Nuts, bolts, metal: his life essence was imbued within—and no matter how briefly he used his body before it was destroyed, the energy always came back as vibrantly as ever.

Black and Yellow. Obsidian and Gold. Your favorite colors.

With a subtle pull from your will, the pieces of Genos in and around the crater begin to float in aimless spirals high into the air. The shopping bags you shared with the cyborg lay on the pavement somewhere behind you. Forgotten.

You slide down the cracked ground and are quick to brush his hair away from his eyes. The fabric of his hoodie is burnt beyond belief, but you see the healthy glow of his core just beneath it. Your hand splays over it to feel its warmth and you sigh in relief. He blinks at you, curious of your actions, but his usual gold pupils, his inner bios system, has not yet returned.

“I’m alright…” He repeats before his eyes flicker away. “Do you still know the way to Dr. Kuseno? Or shall I request a drone—”

You release an amused huff from your nose at his question, but are quick to pull your hand away.

“Can I ride on top this time?” You ask with a shake of your head. It clears the tears from your eyes in a way you hope is discreet.

“If you want to."

You peer at each other for a long moment, before he cracks a rare smile. It was something of an inside joke you shared, even after not knowing each other for long. It had been a few months since he had entered your life, and although it stressed you to imagine him leaving it. It spurned you more to realize that your romantic feelings were starting to leach into your usual interactions…

After all, if he wasn’t receptive, would you be the one to cause him to leave?

Genos was handsome, charming, and it’s all too easy to give him a smile in return, even if it flickers away too soon in a way that he notices... Just like how it was all too easy to fall in love with him. When you finally reply, your response is a little delayed.

“Maybe not today--and I know the way. I got you Genos.” With a little boost from your powers, you lift him up into your arms with little effort.

Caught in something like a bridal carry his head falls back against your shoulder with a large creak, and you frown in surprised concern. “You okay??”

He’s staring at you, with furrowed brows. “Yes…My apologies.” He lifts his head with shudders of effort shaking him hard.

“Don’t be sorry!” And before you could stop yourself, you press his face back down with all the tenderness you have in you. Your hand lingers on his cheek, before slipping slowly away.

There was no natural warmth to the hard silicone of his face, or in his hair that smelled like ozone—Instead there was a raw heat that was feverish to the touch.

It was so intrinsically, Genos, that you can barely stand the intimacy even if it soothed you just as much.

“Just—stay.” You whisper, “Don’t break anything else…” You can’t see his expression as you lift your chin again, but you’re not sure if you want to as your face burns with embarrassment.

“…(Name), I apologize if the fight was too…one-sided to watch.”

You simply tut in response.

Your arms hold him just a little tighter as you make your way out of the crater. The crowd flutters around, whispering and taking pictures. That was no surprise at all, but you’re quick to escape it as you jump high into the air to a nearby rooftop. The various parts of Genos swirl to follow you like dragon tail in the wind.

“That monster made me mad is all…” You finally say, pretending to be unaffected, but you frown at his patient and analytic blink.

“Is that why your magic has changed? It’s different even now.” As if making a point his eyes flicker over your face and neck. Your whole body is dusted in your energy, in your colors.

Before taking your next leap off the windy rooftop, you pause. Your breath caught in your throat, you stammer, “…W-what?”

“--I understand the hues of your magic are affected by your emotions. What else were you feeling this time?” His words are serious as always, but something is almost reserved and cautious about his question—

“I’m asking, because it made you stronger, (Name)...”

All the words you want to say bubble up towards the back of your throat: I was feeling love? Because I care about you. I like you. I’ve liked you from the start--

Your self-consciousness, however, makes every letter translate and distort into something slightly different.

“I hate to see you get hurt...” You press your lips into a thin line, “I want to protect you. I needed to protect you back there.”

His silence is ominous before his voice releases a burst of static. “I-I am fortunate to have a friend like you who is so strong...”

Genos continues, as thoughtful as ever, “I’ve never seen your magic react like that before. Were you truly that angry?”

He tried to raise his head again, “For my sake?”

Your expression fell.

“Yeah… Of course, I was.” You doubted your voice could put anymore emphasis into your words. They felt heavy and weighed down like iron shackles.

“Of course…” he trailed—his expression for a moment utterly unreadable.

“…(Name), are things alright between us?”

Your stomach hurts, your eyes feel watery. They trail over the dizzying heights before you as the wind howls in your ears. It was a proverbial plunge, you supposed. Because something inside you was tired and resolute at the sight.

“…When you get repaired, I’ll explain everything.” You promise gently, although you know it sound dismal. You try to soften your expression for his sake, before you make your daring leap.

--

Even with your brief friendship with Genos, your acquaintanceship with Dr. Kuseno was perhaps verging on overly familiar... The man wasn’t nosey per se, but he could read you AND Genos like a damn book.

“He has expressed that you’ve been distant lately…” He says in hushed tones, even as the hydraulic system and machines in the next room whir away loudly. They are strong enough to shake the observatory deck, and don’t really offer Genos a chance to hear the conversation, but just like the cyborg, the man is meticulously careful.

From the protective window, you can see Genos getting his tune up.  His eyes are closed as if sleeping while a circular system of machines rotated around him. His upgrades were being attached, and you were sure an endless number of diagnostics were running at full throttle.

You had one leg over the other and your arms crossed if only to hide your constant fidgeting.  

You meet Dr. Kuseno’s gaze briefly, before glancing down again.

“I’m going to confess, once he gets finished up...”

Like any guardian or father figure, the doctor’s face lights up in excitement.

“That’s wonderful!”

“I guess…” The anxiety certainly doesn’t feel wonderful.

The older man meerly hums and glances up at you, over his glasses.

“I wouldn’t fear losing him, (Name). These things are natural, and goodness knows Genos needs normalcy in his life. A relationship would do him good!”

“I just—” You rub at the back of your neck, “I don’t want him to think I’m just some fan—” You mutter.

Dr. Kuseno is quick to shake his head with a wry smile, “Nonsense. He speaks of you often, just as much as his Saitama-sensei. He must appreciate your presence quite a bit.”

The words do little to ease you, but you’ve resigned yourself to your fate. With a small push you incline your head politely to the doctor.

“Can you tell him I’ll be outside?”

“Certainly.”

And before you fully leave through the automatic doors the doctor gives you an earnest thumbs up.

“Good luck out there, (Name)! I’ll be rooting for you!”  

--

It’s not long before Genos joins you.

You could do this. You NEED to do this!

Just as your hands begin to wring together in front of you, the front entrance whirs open.

Genos fully reformed with dark metal arms and black jeans steps out. He nods his head at you and closes his flip phone with a decisive snap. You wonder idly if the hero association was calling him for another emergency, and worry streaks through your lower stomach like a hot knife…

You let him approach as you duck a little into your shoulders.

“For once I requested my previous model. Dr. Kuseno said my upgrades would take more time, and I did not wish to keep you waiting.”

The pretty gold irises of his eyes are back and staring at you with extreme focus. And you settle on facing him almost chest to chest with your hands behind your back. It makes his gaze flicker just a bit, to see you suddenly stand so close and with such a solemn expression on your face.

“You didn’t have to do that, but thanks…” You say as your heart rate spikes.

He blinks, “What were you going to explain to me?”

Your lips purse for a moment. You take a deep breath…

“The changes in my power today? I kind of let them get out of control...?”

He nods once, “Yes…” His voice sounds uncertain. He opens his mouth for a moment, before closing it again.

He holds up a hand, “Actually…I think I must apologize, (Name). Before you begin…” He straightens before you with his hands by his sides like a soldier, “I feel as if I’ve made a misstep somehow, there has been a—” His brows pinch together, “A distance between us, and I would like to know if is there anything that I can do to resolve it!” His gaze aims to the ground, and you raise your hands to wave them in dismissal.

“No no! I’ve been trying to figure out my feelings…”

Your eyes close as your mouth forms the words and sets them free… “--My feelings for you.”

Your cheeks begin to burn as you open your eyes again to meet Genos surprised gaze.

“I-I was really…impacted today because I care about you. You weren’t wrong in my magic showing you that.” You raised a hand to press against your pounding heart, “I hate seeing you get hurt, as a friend and—and as someone who loves you!”

Your head bows, “I hope you understand! And I-I hope you know I would like to stay as your friend, even if you—”

You gulp.

“If you don’t feel the same. I just—I can’t try and hide it anymore...”

…

His ensuing silence does not breed confidence, but—you sigh in utter relief.

A backbreaking weight slips off your shoulders even if your hands shake and your magic feels like bursting again.

You trail with your voice much more subdued, “I’m sorry if I’ve made you worry I—”

“I understand.” Says Genos with a hint of a smile on his face.

Your eyes snap up, and in an unnerving manner Genos was almost frozen in place.

He had the propensity to not move much sometimes…Subtle conversational ticks were sometimes erased by his stiff machinery, and right now his forward lean over you had you almost leaning away. Almost.

You’re inches apart, and he takes one step closer. “I understand, and I return your feelings!”

Now you really feel like you’re about to fall backwards, “Y-You do?”

You tried to scan your brain for any signs, or hints of his feelings—And feel the guilty feeling of doubt bloom in your stomach. The indecision must show on your face because it’s as if a part of Genos doesn’t know how to proceed. His lips grimace, and the heat radiating from his chest intensifies.

“Yes. I’m sorry for...not knowing how to tell you. I am not used to these emotions, and I could see you retreating these past few weeks—”

His face looks away for a moment before pinning you down with a determined stare, “I did not want to push you away any further.”

“…Spending time with you and not letting anything ruin your smile—those are just a few reasons why I fight now.”

One of his hands tentatively reaches for your own, as if he might scare you away even now. The metal is warm as his fingers barely skim your own, before slipping firmly into your palm. You squeeze it back as your other hand searches blindly for his. Your hand finds his forearm and slides all the way down to his wrist as your expression melts.

Genos’ blonde hair barely tickles your forehead as his voice murmurs, “(Name), I want to protect you too, I wish to become a hero you can always rely on, so you don’t have to fight…”

He guides your hand to lay on the core of his chest. Then his fingers trail a feather light line down your cheek so tenderly you can’t help but lean into him.

“I’ll always be here for you, Genos. If you let me…I’ll gladly fight by your side, please know that.” Curling your body into a curve that perfectly complements his form, his face transforms into a mask of serene relief.  You can’t help but feel normal again. Your feelings for Genos strengthen just a little more, as joy floods into your smile.

His arms curl around you suddenly, pulling you into a warm and thrumming embrace that feels perfect.

You barely realize your magic ebbing around you in a protective cocoon. The vibrant colors of happiness, comfort, and love shimmer as Genos plants a kiss on your cheek.

[pokefanbri]

1st I have to say this b4 I repeat the post from fb. This is a place where I can speak my mind freely without judgement, speak my peace even. Which is exactly what im gonna do so prepare for a read. So think what u want idc, but the last thing I wanna do is tick some1 I know off cause on some level there's a mutual appreciation & respect regardless of my impression. And anyone that reads this isn't obligated to understand my opinion & I dont expect u to. With my brain its my thought process to let information out of my head so I can put things aside, observe & absorb more lol. Writing is another tool or coping mechanism for my anxieties & other psych ailments, treatment for my mental health depends on it & other hobbies in other words, especially during shutdown, something to focus on. Heck even youtube is recommended by my doctor if it keeps me happy lol. But because ill be working again, I may not have time to do alot of things I like sadly..idk i just wouldnt want to be burnt out & focus on more important things. I have a high respect for anyone working around people during this time & it must worrisome for u too, means I have to keep on my toes as well soon..its a scary world out there for an introvert but I was killin it in NY too. It was just a slow steady process with all the limitations & moving my life up there wasn't easy to begin with but I pulled through & did it all...only for it to be taken away.

So, I'm an Irish, German, Canadian,British Mut from tucson. Maternal & paternal immidiate families lineage mixed made me, including my NY blood from my bio dad. The rest is all over Europe but u get the idea. Tucson may be where i was born & my 1st home without a father & raised not knowing (were mardi gras babies btw 😒)

But NY is & will forever be my 2nd home i dont care what any1 says, I felt I belonged there. Its the other half of me quite literally.Theres a memory that's really been bugging me. Last day b4 i left it, a bald eagle flew across my path in the sky no joke going NE & I was departing back to the SW. I chose the eagle years ago cause I identify with it. including the background symbolism in different phases of my life that included them lol, but to actually see one was just amazing.

They symbolize strength+freedom in general despite it standing for the country from sea to shining sea lol. Also Braviary was always in my pokemon team besides pikachu since its gen came out lol. I've always been strong, whether some believe it to be true or not is their problem, only I know the things I've gone through. Point is different ends of the spectrum its always been with me throughout in some way & im glad i got to share it with someone that gave me the freedom I needed.

But yea I experienced what its like to be there & got to know that part of me even if I didn't find him & maybe didnt care...I feel I was meant to be there. I was in touch with my roots, lower Temps & above sea level rather than high temps & below sea level 🤣 I loved everything about my time up there. It'll always be a part of me, & I hope to see it again. But I digress.

But in regards to the relationship itself, emphasizing on what i said b4. Just as it i got "settled" in it was gone & I had no clue what was happening without my knowledge, the whole plan to bring me back, all of it, the whole chain of events that unfolded the way it did starting with leaving a marriage in the 1st place to be with him i mean come on lol. Chasing a dream that didn't play out the way we had hoped. I took leap of faith & I ended up starting over twice in 1 year with no benefit of the doubt. I still have my ny health insurance for the rest of the yr, I have to add it to my list to apply again in az. Ive been wearing the wrong prescription glasses for 6 months under quarantine & they're just now getting to stage 4 of opening lol. Just understand how frustrating that actually is for someone like me & u totally get it 😅 U want to take care of business but sometimes you're limited & gotta work around it. had all that covered there & then was told I settled, wrong thing to say & its no wonder I didn't blow up in his face right there & then 😒. But I have retraint & can control myself. Though it was out of my hands the new relationship didn't have to go sour, been just as long if not more, could've actually thrived given the proper balance with room to grow. Idk, Sometimes I honestly don't think anyone believed in me. I mean I have no debt, no record, no kids, im a clean slate type of girl lol. Yes I did end up feeling unappreciated, underestimated, a bit neglected, insecure about my body, ashamed for being myself, & I shouldn't have to feel that way at all & if that happens there obviously something off. I just didnt know what it is he wanted & needed, i wanted to help & be a good partner to this dude but why is it bad to ask the same in return? I shouldn't have to drastically change myself to fit someones standard i know, but...i needed the old him back, I missed the old us & wanted to get back to that.. Was always so closed off & probably ended up in his own head who knows, maybe there was guilt for some of the things he did & didnt want to hurt me anymore, spare my feelings any more than it did b4 it was too late.idk whatever the excuse i still don't know what triggered it all to fail so easily & i don't think i ever will. But ending up with the conclusion that I was the problem, its narcissistic to even believe that & i won't accept it. Not when he can't confront his own issuse & put blame onto himself too.. it was a low blow & literally felt like my heart was pierced at the sound of it. If im to blame its the other way around as well. My point of view wasn't acknowledged so this is my take & experiences of happened so plz dont hate me for speaking my truth.

But yea I can tell when somethings not right & feel strong empathy for others emotions. I knew something was different, there were signs everywhere since the mistrust started & during the last half of that time with him I questioned everything but sat in my own headspace as well as he did just thinking about it. If anything we failed eachother, the blame is on us both but idk what else i could've done to get through to him. That's the stubbornness, he wouldn't budge. Despite how things went down..Leaves me to think, what was the point of having me there in the 1st place, to not follow through with our shared hopes & dreams but instead spiral into such resentment for me that the interest faded. But at the at the same time...even if it ended early for him, I didn't give up & I fought to keep us okay which it was for the most part. Hindsight is 20/20, it definitely wasn't negative all the time. In fact things were great between us & acted like goofballs together, that right there is a friend despite if the stronger feelings weren't mutual. Nobody with hate in their heart acts like that, he was good, the best, cheered me up when I was down, shared interests & did things for eachother. But that alone makes me question what was truth & what was fiction sometimes ever since the trust between us started to fade. Am I in the right to feel what im feeling right now? Im angry & upset yes very, but the kindness he had throughout..he did care in his own way...which makes things so much harder.

Tripadoodle if some way you're listening, I hope u know now where im coming from. For your own benefit & quest to be a better man like you always wanted...actually try. Head my advice. Making yourself better shouldn't be put on a womans shoulders to do for u without her getting lifted in return...its alot of weight to handle for 1 person to carry lol. Get off your ass & build on yourself, learn from everything that happened & become better for yourself & the sake of others, Because it starts with u. Go to church if possible or watch them, it really does help. Even from across the country I still want u to do just as good & help u as a friend. You promised we could remain friends & im holding my end of the bargain whether u like it or not lol it was your idea during the ride here. All I wanted in the end was to not lose u in my life completely...but i should be patient i know.. Theres more space, im not contacting u directly & respecting that, eventually ill stfu lol but I feel I need this rn. I should hate u,but I cant hate u, I do still care, u had that affect on me so much that I can't really listen to others when they say ur a douchbag lol, u were still my rock the whole time even if u didn't feel the same after a while & u did help me alot as well. I see the good in people & u are good, with well balanced snarkiness & humorous sass to boot. light a fire under ur own ass & ull be okay lol. Never stopped believing in u. Ive seen what you can do, you're very smart & know your sh*t, u will go far lol. And as a friend I'd lend u my strength if I could but the most I can do is pray for things like safety/protection, healing, forgiveness, guidance, etc. Leave it to God if u feel compelled to. Give zanabell a hug for me.

God i talk way too much 😅 No im not doing any of this for attention, I want my voice to be heard as well as a possible learning experience if it had that effect on anyone. The things we learn build character & help us understand a little more about ourselves. Probably shouldn't share cuz its nobody's business, yea ive thought of that too.. But its a blog lol, Tumblr allowed it to be that space, opinions and rants are allowed & encouraged. Nothing wrong with that 🤷‍♀️ so who gives a crap.

These are pictures of the NY sunrise & AZ sunset. Clouds always get me cuz of the shapes, used to to take pics of them all the time. once saw mario holding a hammer when I was a kid 😂 3rd & 4th pic is a split rainbow, never seen that b4...either someone found the gold or its deciding whether or not to connect. Probably was connected but I missed it lol. But then I looked behind me after the split 1 disappeared & a double rainbow was forming. Nature can be scary but also beautiful

[allsystemsarenotgo]

“The Novel”

I've been needing to talk to somebody about something. Last night, somebody I don't talk to very often anymore was willing to give up some sleep to talk to me.

I gave them the abridged version. I knew they needed sleep and didn't have time for a novel.

.

.

.

Here is "The Novel".

---

A child learns their name by having it spoken to them repetitively.

A pet learns its name by having it spoken to them repetitively.

When bullies call you gay and queer repetitively because you've never had a date much less a girlfriend in 12 years, ... At some point you begin to believe it.

When that trend continues to a statistic of 3.25 years of relationship out of 30 years of life.....

You begin to question the things you ever thought you knew.

I was an opinionated ass in high school that knew better but did the things anyways because I had nothing to really lose. Except I did lose alot of pride along the way.

I didn't like many things, and I didn't understand the decisions of many people. There are days that I wish I was still friends with people that I alienated or that alienated me because I didn't believe in drinking alcohol or having kids before college, or at a young age at all.

There are alot of days that I wonder....will I have to be find a lady 8-10 years younger than myself to love me for who I am...and potentially make them have kids at a young age so I'm not the age of their peers' grandpa's when they graduate?

^ That image was me in high school.

I never dated in high school. I courted and got shot down a ...couple... times. I didn't go to parties, I wasn't a part of the cool kids' clique. I didn't really....do anything high-schooley in high school.

And it got me bullied. My eccentricities made me well known. I was generally outspoken and firm on what I believed (no sex, no alcohol, scientifically agnostic) and...it basically made me live in infamy. It got me bullied alot. I was called gay and queer alot. And it wasn't just from 1 or 2 or 5 people.

I had 3 crushes in high school. Two were a grade younger than I.

The first I asked out my Sophomore year. We talked alot, sat next to eachother, did classwork together. We were both above-average students, so the teacher us let us do what we wanted while she dealt with the rest of the class.

That was really what entered me into the downward spiral of depression. I'd never asked a girl out before, much less been shot down. It took me a long time to get over that.

The second I asked out my junior year. We didn't have any classes together, but I had worked my way into her family via a mutual friend. I felt like we knew eachother fairly well.

Getting shot down by her didn't hurt as much as I thought it would. But given the nature of high school, the backlash of her friends and friends-of-friends, and probably half the school altogether...that is what hurt. It showed the true colors of many whom were already primadonna status, approaching it, or (falsely) thought they had it. She did apologize to me after a period of time, and ultimately, she probably made the better decision.

I never asked my third crush out. After being shot down twice in two years, I didn't want it to be three for three. I worked with her, and we got along awesome. Maybe not asking her was a fatal flaw in my life. I will never know. We have stayed friends over the years despite not seeing eachother until earlier this summer. I met up with her twice, and both times wrenched my emotions. I've since found out she is actually taken, which shot down my chance of ever knowing the true answer.

Then I finally went to college.

I went from a school of 450 kids in a town of 360 people to a dorm of 500+ kids in a college of 10,000+.

But I did not change with the scenery. I was still outspoken.

Neither of my roommates liked it.

Neither of my roommates liked me.

I was outspoken enough to write a persuasive essay on Abstinence for my college English class. I didn't see the problem.

Until the Prof said we had to read them aloud, after she had graded them.

Then I panicked. I crashed and I burned.

I felt so....little and insecure.

I wasn't one to force my thoughts on people. Yet, I just had.

Do you know how bad that feels inside?

Pretty damn bad.

One day, I got a message from a high school friend I hadn't talked to in a while. We started talking. In the end, she admitted she had a crush on me through high school and asked if we could give it a try. I was 1.5-2 hours away from home.

It was a hard juggle, but we made it work as best as somebody that'd never had a GF before much less a LDR could.

After a few months of LD dating and the start of my second year of college, a topic came up that would change the rest of my life mentally.

And something clicked in my head.

- What if this girl was 'the one'?

- What if something happened. Would I want to die a virgin?

- What if this doesn't work out. I'll always be the inexperienced one?

That last one hit me hard. There was no way around the fact. And for what I knew, I knew that being the lesser experienced would likely never be a good thing.

(10 years later, a friend put it perfectly....)

I convinced myself to break something that I had let run my life for the previous 10+ years.

I think it's safe to say that very few peoples' first time is "great". But it's a learning experience.

-learn-

-learn-

-learn-

Then we broke up after 9 months.

We rarely saw eachother, it couldn't be that difficult to get over right?

Wrong.

-sulk-

-lonely-

-stressed-

-imbalanced-

And...

-addicted-

I was broken. The fire inside of me had been lit, and nothing was putting it out.

I had a raging wildfire spreading within me within a few short weeks, and no way to control it.

I had just started a job at the school newspaper, running the website. I shared an office with the two graphic design artists. We were getting along pretty well and it was fairly evident that both of them were really relaxed and loose about what they wanted to talk about. I was the reserved one, sitting at my desk, listening with minimal contribution.

Until one day, I finally had the courage to chime in to their conversations. It didn't take much longer before I was in my second relationship.

I learned alot of new and different things during that 2.5 year relationship.

Example: telling her father about my shellfish allergy. It was good because he cooked alot of it. It was because he knew my weakness and made no secret that some things would easily justify using it against me.

I learned to get over my fear of public image. I was dating a woman almost twice my weight. When we first started...dating...I was petrified to be seen with/around her much less hold her hand. Over time that phobia subsided.

I learned that addiction comes in many forms. I spent many nights at her apartment, sometimes I went home and sometimes I didn't. Spending 4 hours a day with her at work and another 4-12 hours with her at her apartment...it got to the point that I missed her when I was away from her. I missed having her company, and I missed cuddling.

I learned that I'm very much a physical contact person. After all those years of being an only, lonely child...I wanted to give and receive physical touch.

She would print off a piece of artwork, I would lay on my stomach on her bed, and she would trace the outline onto my back, then start filling it in. That's usually when I would fall asleep. She would keep drawing as I slept, and eventually I would wake up.

As long as we were touching, I was happy. Sometimes I would lay on her, sometimes she would lay on me, sometimes we'd be side by side with a leg on the other.

I learned that calculated risks are worth calculating to the limit. And that mis-calculating is not fun.

I learned that parents are smart and figure out almost everything.

There was only one real issue and one hybrid issue with the relationship.

Both of us were mentally strained. I could not speak my emotions or feelings. I couldn't handle the 'adulting' conversations regarding the future. I couldn't explain when I was sad, mad, upset, or anxious in voice, only text. I couldn't "use my words". When scolded, I just wanted to ball up in a corner and cry. At the same time, both of our academics were on a downward spiral of death. She ended up dropping out completely and going back to junior college, I ended up changing majors twice and barely escaping with any pride left at all and a very expensive piece of paper that said "Bachelor of Science in Miscellaneous Bullshit". Okay, University Studies...but same thing.

The relationship had evolved far beyond what it had originally been intended to be.

It was supposed to be more of a cover-up for a FWB situation than an actual relationship. But we caught some sort of feelings, and....

.

.

I've been single since then.

It took a few years, but we still talk to eachother and are still friends.

But I miss the cuddles.

I miss the touching.

I miss being relaxed and falling asleep while being drawn on.

I miss...alot of things.

I had a few more crushes develop during college. Some I let go, some I got turned down on. At least none of them laughed at me. 

One of the ones that I let go...I reconnected with a couple months ago. I was going to ask her out...and I kinda did...only to find out that she was secretly in a relationship that hadn’t gone public yet. That was a pretty good kick to the twig and berries, knowing that I was just too late to the party. 

Once I learned about High Functioning Autism, alot of things made sense. I slowly learned better coping mechanisms. I learned to do more "normal" things like making eye contact.

My senior year of college, I met an awesome lady in my coding class. We got along great. She helped crack my shell. We went on walks, we played basketball, we played on pool tables, we played soccer. We sat on balconies and talked. We kind of...had a thing going. She was my only friend to attend my college graduation. We even took a picture together in my cap and gown (which I have tried many times to find. I'm guessing it was deleted....see below).

But we didn't. I wasn't allowed to hug her much less kiss her, even on the forehead (I wanted to...many times). I was barely allowed to hold her hand.

I got shot down. I felt like I was in a plane that was missing a wing and didn't have an ejection seat.

I plummeted into the ground and crashed and burned.

We stopped talking after that.

I still don't know what exactly I did wrong.

I still don't know what exactly I did wrong.

I could say that about many friends that I have lost over the years.

I still don't know what exactly I did wrong.

That was 5 or 6 years ago. I honestly don't remember anymore.

That's how long I have been lonely.

That's how long it has been since I went on a date.

That's how long I have not been able to have an unweighted conversation.

Sure, I have seen my second ex a time or three. But it's not the same. That's not a date. That's not something to lead to the future.

I have a two best friends that I can talk about almost anything with. But I never see them. One lives two states away, the other lives several hours away (any other state besides Texas, and they'd be in another state).

They help. They give me a method to vent. But I am afraid of losing them.

I have lost 3 best friends in my life already.

One cut me out of their life as a birthday present to me after 4 or 5 years, my freshman year in the dorm.

One cut me out of their life after many conflicts over 7 years. We never met in person.

One cut me out of their life after I became a burden to them. We saw eachother on a regular basis, I even stayed at their house once after they tried to break my shell and I (mentally) collapsed into a puddle of goo. They also hurt me once by calling the police for a welfare check, and my parents got involved.

Of the two best friends I have managed to keep, the closer of the two has issues in their own life going on right now. I feel guilty and sad for even talking to them...they have asked that I limit interaction while they try to straighten out their own world. They have also called the police on my for a welfare check, and got my co-workers involved.

I already had a hard time making friends before. Anymore, it's hard for me to trust anyone at all.

I don't have any friends to go places with.

I'm always working my ass off (working 7 days a week these days, haven't had a real day of rest in months).

Social Anxiety says that I can't go anywhere alone. Plus I don't really trust myself alone, much less in a foreign Environment.

How am I supposed to meet a friend, when I work my ass off 7 days a week? When I don't know what resting is?

How do I elevate a non-existent friend to "More than a friend" status?

A child learns their name by having it spoken to them repetitively.

A pet learns its name by having it spoken to them repetitively.

When bullies call you gay and queer repetitively because you’ve never had a date much less a girlfriend in 12 years, … At some point you begin to believe it.

When that trend continues to a statistic of 3.25 years of relationship out of 30 years of life…..

You begin to question the things you ever thought you knew.

Sometimes I wish I was Ace.

Sometimes I wish I knew what I am.

Historically, I can be described as a smart, odd, minimally sarcastic ignoramus. But that is only my personality.

Am I straight? Am I gay? Am I bi? Or am I just hopeless?

Will I ever find love? Will I ever have kids?

Is there something wrong with me that revolts women away?

Will I have to find a woman 8-10 years younger than myself and cause her to have children at a young age to avoid being the age of their peers' grandparents at graduation? If I find a woman now, we date for 3 years, engaged for 1, married for 3, then have a kid...I'll be 37 when they are born and 55 when they graduate high school.

We're the bullies in high school right all this time? I don't want them to be. But what if they are? Or am I just that broken inside?

The things that I like/enjoy...they scare me a little. And that's coming from me. For years I have said I was a sapiosexual (turned on by intelligence rather than personality or looks)...but it never occurred to me, what if the gender lines do not in-fact exist? What if....

These are the questions that keep me awake at night.

These are the questions that feed my depression.

These are the scenarios that feed my anxiety, my trust issues, my loneliness.

These are the reasons that, more than anything....I will never turn down a hug.

Because a hug means you love and care about me.

And I need that reassurance.

But it feels good on the inside, too.