#my friend in the lord you hallucinated this man coming to save you during The Time. from that moment you were FUCKED

[isaacathom]

shaking my two ocs in the scifi story like dolls. they should kiss.

[dragonsarecool]

June of Doom Day 22 - Bedridden

A/N: The postnatal life was not as straight forward as her mother had made it sound. Set during Part III after Marty departs for the future.

At the beginning of their domestic life together, Clara had been almost offended at the extent her went to to try and keep things clean around the house. Explaining his insistence on constantly boiling fresh water and reluctance to reuse certain items to the townsfolk was awkward at best, and embarrassing at most.

This scenario, Doc thought quietly, was the exact reason behind his madness.

He was well aware of the dangers that women faced in this period without modern interventions, but having that fear come to fruition was on a whole other level. Although Jules had been delivered without any apparent complications, and as hygienically as possible, Clara's condition had quickly deteoriated in the days that followed, leading to her current fever-ridden state as her body struggled to regain control of the mysterious infection plaguing her.

The house had been constantly filled with midwives and the town doctor, all working around the clock to stabilise his wife with the limited supplies they had. It was the most involved that the townsfolk had been with them since their wedding. Seamus and a few local farmers brought spare vegetables and meat from the day's harvest, saving Doc from having to scavenge for food, while Maggie had moved herself in to assist with cooking and feeding Jules. "I'm still nursin' William, after all," She'd said to Doc, "I'd hate for your little one to go hungry."

If it had been anyone else, Doc would have said no. But the more he interacted with Marty's ancestors, the more he realised where his faithful friend's kindness and sympathy came from.

He wiped the persistent beads of sweat from Clara's flushed forehead, though she remained oblivious to the world, lost in a dreamless sleep when she wasn't being plagued by terrifying hallucinations. Giving her a gentle kiss, Doc took shuddering breath before allowing a few of his own tears permission to fall, the faint sounds of Jules's crying registering in his ears.

She has to live.

She has to.

I can't imagine a future without her!

I know nothing about kids! How can I raise a child on my own?!

Doc was startled from his rumination by a firm hand on his shoulder. He glanced up to see the tired but sympathetic gaze of the town doctor. "Have faith, Emmett. The good Lord hasn't taken her yet, and I don't think He intends to. Her bleedin' is much improved and I think her fever will finish runnin' its course very soon."

The scientist collected what was left of his social energy and gave the physician a polite nod. "…Thank you, doctor."

"Take care, Emmett. Make sure you get some rest too."

Doc's eyes followed the older man as he collected his briefcase and departed, finally leaving him alone with his unconscious beloved. He pulled Clara's clammy hand into his own and squeezed it tenderly, pressing it against his forehead as his tears fell faster.

Don't make me regret staying here, Clara…please…

[bumbleklee]

Honey (Kaeya x M!Reader)

CONTENT WARNING: Internalized homophobia, cursing, alcohol/drunkenness, fist fight scene and mentions of blood

Before Reading: this one-shot uses the f-slur a few times but please keep in mind that I am a lesbian who has been called this word many times in the past so I am reclaiming it through writing. like in the content warning, this story is basically all internalized homophobia so if this subject makes you wary - please don’t read! story is under the cut for sensitive topics

You remember your first love dearly. It was Jean and you were thirteen. She was your best friend and you loved her beauty more than anything in the world. She was kind to you even when you were cruel to her to impress your male friends. It was hard not to fall in love with how she loved you.

When you were sixteen, you dated Jean. Your first kiss was with her, you found comfort in her. You even imagined spending the rest of your life in Mondstadt married to her. Unknowing to you at the time, Jean became your shield. You paraded her around to shut down rumors and broke her heart to save yours. You aren’t expecting her sigh of relief when you begin to question if she was the one for you.

You break up with Jean when you’re eighteen. She was tired and you knew she deserves someone better. You never stopped loving Jean.

When the rumors swirl again, you try to play them off. People wondered why you and Jean had broken up - were you hurting her? Was she cheating on you? Were you cheating on her?

Of course not.

Were you gay?

You didn’t understand what it meant to be gay, so you couldn’t be gay. 

Kaeya is open about love. He says he loves anyone - boys and girls and every other gender. He was proud yet you still didn’t understand. How could someone love so many different people when there were rules? You want to help Kaeya realize this - help him realize he’s only supposed to love girls.

For the next year, you examine Kaeya closely. You accompany him to bars after work and watch him leave with a plethora of different people. One night, he finds solace at the table with a male knight whose name you couldn’t remember. You can only watch their lips press against each other for a moment before retreating to the bar.

“How insensitive,” You mumble, catching the eye of Diluc. He finishes drying a glass and fills it with wine, pressing it towards you gently.

“Are you jealous?”

Your eyes snap up and you let out a breath of shaky laughter. “Jealous? Your brother is sick in the head - he needs to convert before it’s too late.”

Diluc is tight-lipped. To him, you look sick in the head. His relationship with his brother may not have been the best but never would Diluc resort to such hateful thoughts. Kaeya was, well, Kaeya. You stare at him, waiting for him to say something - say anything.

“I can’t believe you’re defending that faggot.”

With a quick movement, Diluc pulls your drink away and it’s hastily thrown in your face. The alcohol drips into your eyes and you seethe.

“Leave. And don’t come back.”

“Gladly.”

He just didn’t understand.

You expect Kaeya to avoid you like the plague after your outburst at the tavern yet the next morning he’s glued to your side at work. His demeanor is off but when you look at him, he smiles.

Anytime you try to bring up your concerns about Kaeya’s sexuality to him, he simply laughs and tells you how funny you are. You get angrier each day and start to spend free time in the church praying to Lord Barbatos to please help Kaeya.

You speak to your parents about your actions and they’re proud of you. Especially your old man. He’s withering away by the day but is still conscious enough to tell you your hair is getting too long - too femine - and you need to cut it. You appreciate him.

Jean is still your rock. She knows more about you than you do.

When you realize how pretty Kaeya looks during the Windblume Festival, Jean is the first person you tell. You’re panicking, scared you’ve come down with a fever and are having hallucinations. Jean just rubs your back and tells you you’re fine.

“You like him,” She says.

“No, I don’t. I can’t.”

Her smile falters and she makes you look at her in the eyes, “It’s okay to like him.”

You pull away from Jean, angry you might say something you don’t mean. You stay far away from Kaeya and Jean for the rest of the festival, denying the frazzled thoughts that are swarming your mind. When Amber confesses to you at the end of the festival, you pull her into a storage closet and kiss her until you can see clearly again.

“We’re in love,” You tell Jean days later. She looks up from the paperwork on her desk.

“It’s been a week.”

She thinks you’re joking. “We’re soulmates,” You continue and Jean’s soft laughter stops. You wait for her to deny it, to protest against your newfound relationship, but she never does. She just sighs and waves you back to Amber.

On a particularly bad day at work, Jean surprises the knights with food and drinks from The Cat’s Tail. You drink so much that you forget you’re there with Amber and by the time you remember, she’s stormed off to find someone else. Instead, you stay near Kaeya as the taller man tells you a story about an adventure.

It’s fine until his arm loops around your waist and your senses overwhelm you again. You shove Kaeya away and his back hits the bar counter. The tavern grows quiet and Kaeya quickly makes a loud joke about how horrible you were at dancing. You pretend you don’t see the hurt in his eye.

All you can hear is the blood pounding in your ears.

You retreat to the table Jean is sitting at and Kaeya pulls Albedo towards him. The chief alchemist, for once, looks excited. Your chest tightens and you stare at the pair with a heavy gaze.

“Albedo is a fag, too,” You start causing Jean to sigh sadly, “He’s a fag and he’s all over my -”

You stop abruptly. What were you going to say? The word that lingers in your mind makes you feel sick to your stomach. As soon as you got home, you were going to repent for even thinking of it. Jean touches your arm lightly, “Y/N…”

You pull your arm away, “Nothing. Nevermind.”

Three months later, Kaeya kisses you.

It’s short and sweet and you’re rambling about how you think him and Jean would make a cute couple. His lips are soft and taste like honey and you feel like you’re flying.

Soaring through the wind until suddenly you’re not.

You hit the ground.

It hurts.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” You scream, trying to wipe your mouth with the back of your hand. This was horrible - it was all wrong.

“Please,” Kaeya begs, “Shut up.”

You run from him. Your feet take you far into the Whispering Woods and your hands press on your temple with so much force you think you’re going to break. Everything you knew, everything you believed in, was flying out the door and you couldn’t grab onto it. You’re sick - you have to be. There’s no other reason why the only want in your head is Kaeya’s lips on yours again.

You scratch at your skin, curl into yourself and scream.

Kaeya avoids you and you avoid him. You thought this would solve everything - if Kaeya wasn’t around you, he wouldn’t be able to taint you. Yet anytime you looked into his office and saw emptiness, your tongue ached for that sweet taste of honey.

You miss him so much and one day, your emotions get the better of you. You wait for him to stumble out of the tavern and when he does, you grab him. Your mouth gaps like a fish out of water, trying to formulate the right words to say to him.

“What?” His voice is cold, venomous, “Going to call me a faggot again and run away?”

Your heart breaks, “We can get through this together -”

Kaeya snaps his arms away, “You still don’t fucking get it! There’s nothing to get through, Y/N! I’m who I am and I am so fucking tired of waiting around for you to realize who you are!”

“I hate you.”

The words tumble from your lips and Kaeya’s fist collides with your cheek. You try to fight back but Kaeya is stronger. He shoves you down, straddling your hips and clenching your shirt in his hair. His eye is filled with bitter tears and he lands another punch to your face.

“I’m sorry that you were taught to hate love,” Kaeya continues, “I’m sorry you can’t accept that I love myself and you hate yourself!”

Your hands claw at Kaeya’s face, managing to tear off his eyepatch and reveal his blinded eye. Kaeya lifts you by the hold on your shirt only to slam you back down into the concrete. By now, there’s a small crowd of drunken knights surrounding you both.

“You’re mental!” You cry out, “You need serious help or you’re going to go to Hell! I don’t want you to go to Hell, Kaeya!”

Kaeya gives you one last punch, this one to your nose, and gets off your. You feel warm blood trickle past your lips and your head is pounding. He looks at you with an expression that makes you start crying yourself.

“I’ll go to Hell if it’ll save me from you.”

It takes you twenty minutes to get up and finally tread home. Your parents are already asleep and when you look in the mirror, you see the dried blood covering your lips and chin. Your nose hurt to the touch.

You fall into a deeper hole than you ever thought you would. You stay in bed for three days straight, blaming it on a cold, until Jean shows up at your door to drag you back into the sunlight.

You don’t feel worthy to be seen by the sun.

She takes you on a walk through Spingvale and you sit in front of the lake. You feel embarrassed, your hands folding on top of each other.

“We have to talk about what happened.”

You don’t look at Jean. Your shoulders tremble and you lean in closer to your knees. “I’ve been trying to push...it...away for so long,” You start. Your voice is a hushed whisper and you hardly recognize it. “But it’s like there’s this flashing light that keeps reminding me.”

“It’s because it’s who you are.”

“That’s the problem.”

Jean is quiet for a moment before reaching over and placing her hand over yours.

“My parents told me growing up that love was between a man and a woman and that Lord Barbatos would punish the souls who didn’t obey that. I don’t...don’t want to get punished, Jean.”

Your hands are shaking. Jean rubs your thumb, “Lord Barbatos would never punish anyone for being in love.” You feel shameful again. “But you don’t love Amber.”

You didn’t. You truly didn’t. In fact, you had forgotten about her during your depressive episode. You felt horrible - you had hurt so many people just to hide from the truth. Tears well in your eyes again and you don’t know what to do.

“Listen,” Jean says comfortingly. You finally look up to meet her tired eyes - the same eyes from back when you were eighteen. “I’ll talk to Amber for you. I think you owe someone else a visit.”

Without another word, you took off. You hoped Kaeya was around and not on a commission because if you didn’t say what you needed to say now, you never would. Thankfully, you find him sitting at his desk at the Headquarters. You stand in the doorway and clutch at your sleeves, your heart pounding.

In that moment you realized you couldn’t do it alone - you couldn’t be yourself alone.

Without someone guiding you through this, you would fall into old habits and never progress. If you continued to shove your truth far, far away then you would lose Kaeya forever.

“Are you just going to stare at me?” Kaeya finally asks. His voice is much kinder than days prior.

“I love you.”

Time freezes and you stare at each other. The words linger in the air but you know there’s no taking them back. Kaeya was expecting another half-assed biblical chant about how you could change him. He was never expecting a love confession.

You realize you’ve been moving closer to Kaeya when his hand reaches out to touch your cheek. He rises from his desk and leans in, pressing his lips to yours ever so slightly. As soon as you taste honey, you feel sparks fly.

You lived in a world of hatred and darkness, waiting for the light at the end of the tunnel to arise. And Kaeya was that light.

[mintseesaw]

Aurora | 4

Pairing: general!jungkook x reader!princess x prince!jimin Genre: angst, fluff, historical au, forbidden love affair au Word count: 8.3k Warnings: themes of abduction and insurgence, imposing abortion as a punishment, story setting is heavily patriarchal // rating: 18+

translations of unfamiliar words will be provided below ^^

*unedited

masterlist

Previously...

“Did you miss me, Princess ________?” You heard him greet from behind. The sultry yet sweet tone of his voice, compelling you to face him as if your unwillingness to meet him so suddenly wasn’t there, anymore.

With a graceful turn, your solicitous expression caused by your unintended tryst last night gone in a flash tipping your chin forward to display a false confidence in front of the prince.

The amusement on his face widens, taking notice of the exceptional glow radiating from the princess. Have you been dolling yourself up just for him? The certain strangeness in the dark of your orbs igniting fire in him before he blinks and it vanishes, gone without a trace of acknowledgement from the weight of your stare.

He crosses the offending distance, smiling sweetly before he took hold of your hand and kisses your knuckles with an ardent gaze clashing against yours that harbor the coldness he had grown accustomed with.

“My lord,” an old man hurriedly attended to Jungkook just as he took an empty table without a word. Must be the owner of the stall. Uttering his request, the owner bobbed his head low before vanishing from his line of vision.

He was supposedly going to have breakfast with you after having tediously cooked the dishes, himself. The lack of light in your eyes and your dead enthusiasm had spoiled his appetite, and severely wounded his soul. Nothing could probably ease the ache sitting beneath his ribcage. Not when the intimacy he shared with you the night before and your cold treatment of him earlier painfully reverberated in his head like a roaring thunder in the sky.

You, giving him mixed signals, confused the hell out of his weak, young heart. 

What am I supposed to do with you, Jagiya?

Perhaps, it was the uncertainty that was instigated by your emotions. That must have been the only reason.

Shortly after, the old man came back with an empty cup, pouring it full with rice wine from the bronze pitcher he brought with him. Jungkook mumbled an audible thanks before chugging down the alcohol like an angry man on his bad day.

“This isn’t something we both have a choice of.”

Your voice echoes in his head. A sweet, delicate voice that could easily slice his heart into two with your mere heartless words. A smirk made its way on his face, despite the amusement never reaching up his eyes.

There is nothing left to decide on because you’ll be with him in the end. He wouldn’t leave you, again. He wouldn’t lose his only chance he has to claim you as rightfully his. When he almost lost you back in the days you were young, right in his arms, before his eyes— it was the day he promised to show you what his heart truly desires. Whatever the cost may be.

He had never been that frantic in his life. Not even when he saw with his own eyes the deep cut in his arm gushing too much blood when he was young. Not when two poisonous arrows almost killed him in the battlefield.

When he stripped the covering off of the suspicious cart in search of any sign of you, the last thing he was expecting to see was your unconscious body, with your restrained arms and a piece of cloth stuffed in your mouth. With your aristocratic braids gone, he couldn’t see much of your face as your hair hung loose covering half of your face as your body lied down in a foetal position, as if you tried to make up with the little space the average sized cart provided which was filled dominantly by materials of what looked like rolls of linens of various colors.

He knew it was you.

Despite the filth covering your attire down to the skin of your bare hands, and your seemingly thinner frame, the mere sight of the body screams everything about you.

At the time, his younger self was almost sure he was going to explode at any moment from the excruciating constriction in his chest.

His eyes were livid while they scanned over the blood bathed bodies scattered around the cart that were slain by the sharp edges of his sword, looking for another sign of danger. When he was certain that none of the rebels on the ground were moving, he dropped his weapon.

“Princess!” He calls out, his bloody hands leaving imprints of the dirt-covered article of your hanbok as he shook your shoulders none too gently, desperate to wake you.

To no avail, you remain unconscious. The sight of you in a devastating state dreaded him. His younger self thought his world right there and then was collapsing, his surroundings slowing down and his gaze shrinking and focusing into you alone. Not even a pittance of fear shook him despite killing a group of rebels, none of the fact that he stood there alone fighting for his life did. None. Not until he pulled the bamboo mat off of the cart.

Where the fuck is that old man?

It’s been hours since Lord Min suddenly came up to his residence, forcing him out of his slumber at dawn without telling him the purpose of his abrupt disturbance.

When the scholar said he found another lead, Jungkook only took it lightly—not knowing it would turn out to be the key to finally locate you.

Lord Min led him to a trail behind a group of merchants who were supposed to exchange goods on the capital’s port with Mongolian merchants. When the suspicious group split into two directions— it left him and the scholar no option but to part ways as well. However, Jungkook insisted on following the merchants who particularly brought their supposed cart of goods.

As soon as he took his outer layer of robe to cover it on your shivering body, the morning breeze hits him mercilessly. Discreetly, he gathers you in his arms. As he sets you on his lap on the ground, he removes the cloth in your mouth, while pressing a trembling hand on your chest to feel your heartbeat.

“Your Highness,” he tried once more when he sensed a faint beating against your chest. His hands shuffle to remove the tie around your wrists.

“Come on… open your eyes for me, Princess.” He whispered desperately, tears freely rolling down on his cheeks without him ever noticing.

He gasped when he caught the slightest bit of movement from you. He thought he might have been hallucinating out of his desperation to see you alive. But then, you proved him wrong as your heavy eyelids slowly peeled open, before they closed shut, again.

“Your Highness! Please… do you hear me? Can you open your eyes again?”

You did, and with your slightly parted mouth, you drew a breath in heavily.

“W-Who are you?” you managed to rasp, almost inaudibly. However, he was too close not to miss what you said. Too close to be deemed righteous around the lady he desires. He didn’t care, because your cold body needed as much as heat from him. Nothing else mattered more to him than to save your life.

“It’s me, Jungkook. I am Prince Taehyung’s friend—“

“I-I… must… be dreaming,” you croaked in between dry, painful coughs.

“You’re not dreaming. Please, don’t talk. It's hurting you.” He chokes back a sob.

“Is this real? You finally noticed me,” you pause, only to breathe through your mouth once more. “I’m… tired, I want to rest,” you say without opening your eyes. But the moisture pooling out of your eyes meant one thing to him. You’ve been suffering from immense pain.

“No, no, no. Please, stay with me. Lord Min is coming to get us. He’ll be here soon,” he coos, not caring how he sounded a little more desperate, taking your cold hands up in his mouth to warm them up.

Jungkook continuously rocked your shivering body back and forth on his lap, never removing his eyes on you. He wanted to embrace you tight, cover you with his body to protect you from the horrible cold of the morning weather but he was afraid he would crush you.

He waited, waited and helplessly waited. Lord Min would come find him. That was what he reminded Jungkook as before they parted ways in the woods.

It was him and Lord Min who found you, even when the King had ordered a mass search for his missing daughter.

---

Although your disappearance was largely perceived as abduction, neither evidence nor eye witness was found to support the claim, hence stirring the urge to find you, himself. Roughly 10 days after you were last seen, not even a single trace of your whereabouts had been identified. Something was definitely off with the way the case was being handled. The lack of progress on the investigation drove the King in extreme desperation as well as the court in anguish due to the King’s adverse political decisions.

In spite of the rumors of insurgence spreading like a common gossip story in the villages surrounding the capital, the rumors fall on deaf ears in the court on the possibility that your disappearance was plotted by the rebel forces. As if the missing person was not a princess whom the rebels could use as a pawn to bend the King on his knees.

Jungkook spent most of his days in the capital, inside the gambling houses, pretending to play with men of all sorts of class. On some days, he visited the courtesan’s house capital marketplace under the disguise of an interested guest due to the rumors that some gisaengs, at the time, were avid followers of the insurgence. At nights, he pieced together the collective stories he tediously gathered during the day.

One day, he decided to make progress on his investigation, spying on a group of merchants trading with Jurchen merchants who were pretending under the guise of Mongolian heritage. It was Mina, a gisaeng whom he somehow befriended when his visits at the courtesan’s house had frequented, who shared her discovery of a Mongolian merchant accidentally revealing his identity when he fluently spoke a dialect she distinguished as her mother tongue since she was a Jurchen-born immigrant.

He didn’t find any suspicious or illegal goods being traded on the port nor could he confirm the real heritage of the merchants. However, on his way back to the capital, he was cornered by a man he recognized as one of the merchants in the port.

To his surprise, the merchant was strangely skilled enough to defeat him in a fight— scoring a severe cut on Jungkook’s side. He didn’t think the merchant would be merciful enough to let him live when Jungkook fell to the ground after what seemed like several minutes of intense sword-to-sword combat. Strangely enough, the merchant was forgiving and instead of ending the life out of him, the merchant took his time to scrutinize every item inside the satchel Jungkook brought with him. By then, he had already sensed that the man was anything but a mere trader.

Breathing heavily, he pressed his hand hard to his bloody waist as he watches the merchant curiously unfold a piece of hanji. It was the trade map he had drawn a few days ago, alongside the location where the camp can be found.

Jungkook knew it was over for him as he saw a glint of recognition in the eyes of the merchant.

After what seemed to be a long moment of silence, the merchant looks at him. “What is this map for?”

Jungkook laughed dryly and as his shoulders shook a little, a surge of pain shot in his core. He winces as the sensation doubled over his effort to make fun of the act the merchant was pulling in front of him.

“Are you one of them?”

If the merchant understood what he meant, he simply chose to ignore it. “I’m asking you a question, kid.”

“You’re one of them, are you not? I’m most certain you know what that map is.” Jungkook gritted through his teeth as the pain on his side intensified, spreading like a magma on his midriff.

By now, the merchant’s focus zeroed in on him. “You know about the camp? Who do you work for, kid?” The merchant interrogates, further. Though the man remained passive, Jungkook found it odd to notice the slightest bit of awe in the eyes of the strange man. 

“You tell me, you act like you know my every activity.”

The merchant only raised an eyebrow. “Well, here’s the truth. I’m not a rebel. I’m not a merchant, either. I will help you if you tell me what you have gotten about the camp so far.”

Jungkook darted a glare at him. “As you can see, I’m heavily wounded, literally. You think I still care?”

“You’ll live,” the merchant dismisses nonchalantly, which made Jungkook scoff in disbelief.

“Look kid, I’m not going to kill you. But in exchange for your life, you’ll help me follow the movement.”

“It’s not like you gave me an option to decline.” Jungkook weakly contended.

The merchant effortlessly helped him up from the ground, “Come on, my grandfather is a physician. He’ll tend to your wound.”

Jungkook learned that the merchant who introduced himself as Lord Min turned out to be a scholar. He was writing a case relative to the alleged insurgence centering mostly in poor villages in the capital. Although he didn’t fully trust the scholar, sparing Jungkook his life was enough reason for him to disclose the true nature of his investigation to the scholar who was, at the time, penning colloquial stories about the insurgence.

Lord Min paused his scribbling, throwing a look of surprise at his new-found friend. “Did I hear you right? You believed the princess was abducted by the rebels?”

Jungkook only shrugged, already concluding what the scholar would say next. “It’s not the first time someone thought I was going crazy for telling them that.”

“Don’t get me wrong. I have been following the movement for months now,” Lord Min asserted, which prompted Jungkook to look back at him. “And since I heard about the sudden disappearance of the princess, it was the only theory I could come up with. Unless…” Lord Min trailed, taking notice of the interest glinting in Jungkook’s eyes.

“Unless?” Jungkook echoed expectantly.

Lord Min pretended to be in deep thought before adding up, “There is a lover involved.”

In disbelief, Jungkook threw a scornful look at him. “There’s no man in her life, I’m sure of that.” He remarked with conviction, folding his arms in his chest.

To his surprise, Lord Min hollered into fits of laughter, only severing the look of disdain on Jungkook’s expression. “For a young soldier like you, you seemed to be a little more concerned about the princess.” The older man remarked, meaningfully.

---

“Isn’t it too early to be drinking on your own, kid?” Taunts a voice, forcing him out of his reverie. With a lift of his head, his eyes landed on a commoner seemingly older than him adorned in a daffodil shade of a simple robe. Half of the man’s face was covered in conical shaped hat and just as the man tipped it high with his fingers, Jungkook immediately recognized the person standing across his table.

Your breath hitches on your throat as the warmth of his mouth sends tingles straight through your veins. With a subtle tug of your hand from his hold, the prince almost didn’t take your silent plea, not without his companion guard clearing their throat that snapped him out of daze.

If there’s particularly one thing that stood out to him aside from his aristocratic, --almost polished physical features, it was his forthright admission of his feelings on you. The was the he had made a move in regards to feelings. You appreciate the way he had not once tried to break into your boundaries for his satisfaction.

After what had happened, the least person you expected to see is him. The only man who had the guts to be with you despite the rumors that tainted your reputation. Guilt thrums heavily through your veins more than the throbbing of your muscles in your body.

Jimin deserves someone far better than what you can offer. Not with your heart, and most definitely not with your broken chastity.

“Your Excellency,” you greeted, tilting your head low in a subtle bow. Your eyes stayed firm on the ground, refusing to return his stare as you murmur, “I trust your journey has not been too much for you?”

You missed the way your concern roused a smile up on his flawless face or you would have flushed right away. “It was as expected. I am an impatient man, but it was worth the trouble now that my reward is standing in front of me.”

Taken aback at this teasing remark, your mouth unconsciously parted. You didn’t have the time to retract from the proximity he initiated just as he extended his arm, his palm meeting one of your cheeks as he tilts your chin up to meet his gaze. The pad of his thumb feather lightly caresses the softness of your skin there.

The abruptness of his move left you immobile for a moment, the heat coming from his hand involuntarily eliciting goosebumps to come out on your covered arms.

“Have you been well, little flower? I couldn’t be at peace knowing your health is not in the best condition. I was a thread of breath away from forcing my way into your quarters just to check on you myself, but you may never forgive me for if I ever disrespect your privacy.”

“There’s nothing to worry of. Mayhaps... my body has not been reacting too kindly to the cold weather. I had since taken herbal teas to help me recover.” The lie glided smoothly out of your tongue, piercing your lower lip with your teeth to prevent yourself from throwing up out of disgust.

The way his head bobs up lightly made you believe he bought your excuse. “Very well. Will you allow me to accompany you?” He whispers, as if it’s possible to turn down a powerful man like him. 

“Of course, Your Excellency.” The smile you plastered on your face was enough to conceal your fears for now.

At your answer, the court ladies immediately hurried towards the recreational area, pulling the wooden chairs for you and the prince to sit on.

You take the opportunity to pull back from his touch as an excuse to occupy one of the chairs. 

Mimicking your move, he settled on a seat, one that was the closest to yours. He then motions a dismissive wave on the watchful eyes of his guards, giving him and the rest of the court ladies a silent order to leave you two alone. With a bow, everyone retreated back down onto the ground, obediently.

As he turns his attention back at you, he asks, “Do you like to tease me, Princess?”

“W-What do you mean?” Your stutter evoked a subtle grin to reappear on the corners of his mouth. While your insides are a mess, the delight shining in his eyes lets you know he couldn’t see right through your miserable heart.

The subtle smile on the corners of his mouth stretches wider, “You know I like it when you call me by my name.”

His teasing once again scores a twin stain on your cheeks. Although you remain placid with his remark, he didn’t miss the immediate rush of blood coloring your face that, in return, earned a smirk from him.

Blinking, you straightened your back. “Why are you not appropriately dressed for the season, Your Excellency?”

Prince Jimin beamed in your attempt of changing the subject, eyes glimmering in glee. “My attire is fine. Mayhaps, if you are concerned, I can put on another layer of thick robe.”

Quickly, you shake your head. “There’s no need for such if you don’t feel like the weather is too much for you. Winter has just begun and only a few weeks more before the weather becomes unbearable, especially for envoys like yourself.”

“I can only imagine how our departure would be like.”

“You chose to come to the kingdom during the winter. Is there something that’s urgent on your purpose not to delay it until the weather has calmed down?”

”The only urgent thing I found was to see you. Have I not made it clear from the beginning?”

You purse your lips, afraid to voice out your thoughts. On the other hand, Jimin was way too deep in the subject to notice the slightest bit of trouble reflecting in your eyes.

“I didn’t think any woman would stir my interest after having my heart broken when I was young. You know, my brother—the Emperor gifted me a marriage in exchange for my service in the military. I was supposed to leave the palace for a while to visit my bride. The Emperor halted my plan only to have me represent him on his behalf during the coronation of Queen Soheon. If I didn’t come here, I would have been married by now.”

Burying your trembling hands on your lap, you distracted yourself with the beauty of the winter blooms on the pond, swallowing the gasp that threatened to spill as an involuntary reaction. His revelation left a lasting impact on you. In your head, you could hear yourself screaming the truth in front of him. He shouldn’t be this infatuated over you.

“Perhaps, you are well enough to company out of the palace? You still owe me a tour to the capital.” The prince posits all too suddenly.

Swiftly, he stood up and offered a helping hand in front of you. The sun is barely out, concealed with the thick layers of clouds to which is a great opportunity to wander around in the marketplace. Your false confidence slowly faltering as seconds turn to minutes with his gaze sweeping on your whole length. You accepted his hand, granting his wish. It was the least you could do to make up for him travelling a thousand miles to see you.

The following day, an event is set to be held in Changdeok to pay tribute for army’s victory in defeating the rebel forces in one of the borders in Joseon. Hours earlier than the customary outset in the palace, the finishing touches on the day’s festivities have already been wrapped up by the court ladies even before the sun rises on the east.

Historically, the day held no significance to the royal court nor to any prominent military figure in the nation. However, some weeks prior to the present day, the king received a letter from the young general relative to the army’s arrival to the capital, hence, the sudden establishment of a dogam to organize a jinchan for the returning heroes from the northern border.

With the anticipated attendance of the royal family in the morning banquet, you were forced to rise at dawn to prepare for your participation for the festivity.

Shortly after the attendants have finished braiding your hair, your morning tea was served just before you are set to leave your quarters.

“There will be two more banquets after the event in the morning, Your Highness.” Hyowon, one of the court ladies attending to your daily nourishment answers when you absentmindedly voiced out your thought as she pours a tea on your cup.

Fortunately, you were not foolish enough to utter the name of the man who’s been haunting your dreams since time immemorial. She may only be a distant relative of Jungkook, but the same blood runs thick in their veins and you wouldn’t want to embarrass yourself in front of anyone, much less to anyone related to him.

You nodded, taking your cup and hold it up to your lips.

Traditionally, the nighttime festivity is said to be the most anticipated from all sorts of celebrations as the audience who are commonly from noble descent look forward on the performances of high-class entertainers. Jungkook is obligated to attend all the events for the day as one of the honorary guests of the jinchan.  

The supposed banquet is going to be your first attendance in a political gathering ever since you were given the title of a gongju on your seventh birthday. The thought was making you uneasy in some way in case something unforeseen transpires during the celebration, that it would be denunciated by the curse you were forced to live with in your lifetime. However, the thought of him present in the same room with you brings more in disarray. 

A court lady from the dogam came to escort you to the reception afterwards. And not long after the arrival of Queen, the massive doors of the dining hall flew opened, revealing the King as he enter the premises.

Perhaps, you would still have had a clear view on whole expanse of the dining hall if not for the ivory article covering the totality of the platform where you and the rest of the royal palace women.

Meals have been simultaneously served just as the King had announced the ceremonial toast indicating the beginning of the celebration. An instrumental piece played by the musicians proceeded after, keeping the atmosphere pleasantly solemn despite the audible chatters in the hall.

From your seat, you could only see the king’s back as he led the banquet—sitting at the head of the table while the rest of the state and military officials sat in two long sets of vertically-arranged sobans. Despite the barrier, it was not difficult for you to locate where the man of your thoughts was settled at just by the mere sight of his silhouette. There he was beside Prince Taehyung, seemingly fascinated with the performances on the center if not occupied with something Prince Taehyung was telling him.

You could never change the way you treated him so poorly, yesterday. Your hostility was uncalled for, but perhaps, it was enough to displease him enough to lose his interest in you.

“You are not eating your meal, Gongju. Are the dishes not to your liking?” Princess Consort Sooyoung asks. Unlike you, your sister-in-law seems to enjoy the sumptuous serving on the soban, as opposed to your lack of enthusiasm on the food.

“It’s not that. Perhaps, it was too early for me to consume anything solid after I had my morning the tea.”

You drag your hand up on the table, picking up the pair of chopsticks to nestle them in between your fingers. To ease her worry, you attempted to touch the sweet flavored delicacy among the servings.

The banquet progressed rather slowly. As hours passed by, your legs grew numb from the lack of physical movement. It didn’t help that the remnants of muscle aches from your intimacy with Jungkook still lingers. Your sister-in-law caught the discomfort in your expression.

“Gongju,” Princess Consort Sooyoung calls for your attention, once more.

Tearing your gaze away from Jungkook, you tilt your head on the side to meet her solicitous eyes.

“Is your breathing alright? I noticed your heaving has frequented.”

“Uhh...I’m alright, Bubuin.” You falter. Instinctively, your eyes flew back to where he was situated. Your sister-in-law followed the trail of your gaze, and it was only then that she had pieced together the reason.

She chuckles softly, “I thought you were having difficulty with your breathing.”

Your face incredibly flushed with her words.

She didn’t attempt to speak to you after that, seemingly distracted in one of the ceremonial performances of the banquet.

Three hours later, the first phase of the jinchan had finally come to conclude to your relief.

When it was your turn to be escorted out of the hall, you couldn’t help but skim your eyes across the expansive lot. Of course, the chances of running into him are very slim to none. Not only that he was in a rush to leave the reception, but he would also take the path on the west out of the palace while you would take the opposite direction to go back to your quarters.

You thought wrong. Because the moment you arrive at the entrance of the Gyeongbok, you catch on the back of his frame on the small stretch between the library and the tall concrete wall.

Your heart instantly jumped at the mere sight of him adorned on the same uniform he wore the day before. But something didn’t make sense. What is he doing in the main palace—hiding there right after the banquet has ended?

The court lady remained still behind you as you tried to build up the courage to approach him. Perhaps, apologize for your behavior yesterday. But then as he shifted on his feet, you caught a glimpse of a hanbok across him— appearing nothing like the clothing of any man. A lady.

“You have the freedom to choose any woman in your life.”

Your own words hurriedly came rushing back on you, nearly losing your footing when the weight on your chest grew heavier. You couldn’t breathe.

“Princess—” you jumped at the sound of a low baritone voice from behind, the same voice you’ve known by heart since you were little. 

Sheepishly, you turned to face your brother, his forehead crumpled causing his eyebrows to meet into a line.

“You looked like you’ve seen an apparition,” Prince Taehyung jests, with his face remaining passive without a trace of playfulness despite his obvious teasing.

That’s because you did! You seethed, internally. With an ugly emotion slowly seeping through your veins, you find it difficult to display indifference as if something—someone was not putting you in an emotional distress.

“Your Excellency,” you greeted half-heartedly.

“You are aware about the luncheon tomorrow, right? I am expecting you in my courtyard, little flower.”

“Of course,” You briefly answered. His face finally stretched into a grin, ruffling your neatly braided hair before bidding a farewell.

When you spun back to peer at the spot where Jungkook and his female companion were standing— nothing. No one was there anymore. Jungkook is gone, and so is the lady he was with.

The scene remained etched in your brain the rest of your day. Being unable to stay still in the confines of your quarters, you decided to do readings in in the library.

You were alone, just like what you have asked to your attendants, with the exception of a guard outside. Shortly after going through the shelves in the House of Yi section, you once again stumbled upon a book of biographical sketches after secretly reading the book several years ago. The sight of it alone refreshes your memory of the things you have discovered written in the pages of the books—specifically about Princess Moyoung, your grandfather’s eldest sister who slowly died in the hands of her husband who was born from a fourth class family.

It was said to be the matter that pressured the next royal generations to marry off any king’s daughter to a yangban which was prohibited prior to the princess’ unfortunate case to avoid any arising political conflicts.

It was the same thought that bothered you even when you had gone back in your quarters, bathed, and dressed in your night robe. If your father were still living, would he insist on keeping you in the palace? Or would he allow your supposed matrimonial union with Jimin over one with Jungkook?

However, you understand that either selection is a sacrifice. Life is about losing something to gain something else. You know what will be taken from you if you were to possibly end up with Jungkook. But what could you have possibly gained if you were to lose the man who owns your soul? An extravagant life with the prince?

The ache in your heart has sat idly in your chest since this morning. Your time in the library seemed to have worsened your distress as pain starts to sear in your head.

You stood up. Your attendant mimicking your movement to smoothen the sleeves of your silk robe. “I do not wish to be followed,” you simply say. They crouched their upper body low, conveying a silent message of obedience.

As you pass through the L-shaped corridor leading to the outdoor of your quarters, the rectangular hallway making up the main pathway of the courtyard is eerily quiet and empty. With subtle luminance provided by the light torches on each post you passed by, it was just as exactly the way you expected Gyeongbok during this time around. The reason why you chose to be alone since no one else will run into your way this time of night.

However, at your third turn, just as you enter the borderline of the queen’s courtyard, you hear a distinct sound of door opening from afar followed by the heavy, collective footsteps ringing in the air. As the footsteps grew louder, you hurriedly ran to the side of the greenhouse to hide, afraid of being seen without a companion to look after your care.

“Your Majesty!”

You bite your lip as your heartbeat picks up at the sound of a male voice—assumingly the queen’s eunuch, as if in desperation to stop Her Majesty to wherever she intends to go at this hour.

You didn’t know how long you were hiding there at the side of the greenhouse but it wasn’t long enough for you to be able to hold your breath until the traces of the footsteps were fading.

When any sign of human sound was out of earshot, you finally heave a sigh out of relief, taking a solid peek through the corner of the wooden wall to confirm your guess. Considering the pathway clear and safe from any presence, you cautiously proceed back to your footpath.

Merely focused on either side of your vision, you failed to sense that someone was making their way onto your direction. Their presence became known only when your arm was snatched from behind and a calloused palm right away covered your mouth, losing your chance to call for help. Panic immediately surges through your veins, your shock causing you to freeze momentarily.

Even without having a single look at your perpetrator, the feel of his thick arm around your waist lets you know you don’t stand a chance against their immense built and incredible strength. Just as you recovered from your shock, you frantically squirmed about against their hold but the more you struggle, the tighter their arm gets around your waist, pulling you flushed against their body.

“Why is Lady Yi- being punished?” Demanded Queen Soheon the moment she stepped foot inside the King’s quarters.

King Namjoon sprang up to his feet to meet her half-way, concern stirring immediate in him at the sight of his wife, noting the way her voice unusually croaked and holding such heavy emotion. He silently curses, taking notice how upset she had seemed to be over the scandal the concubine had caused all to herself.

“Sit down, my love. You shouldn’t allow your emotions to run high, it’s not good for your condition.”

Queen Soheon is always calm and graceful no matter how grave the situation is. He had not once witnessed her lose her innate grace ever since he married her, with the exception of the times he was intimate with her.

“Why?” She repeated, her eyes burning with fire.

“My love—”

“Jeonha, please… stop with your sweet filters and answer me why you didn’t stop them from forcing her to drink the medicine?”

He sighs just as he attempted to place her in his embrace. To his dismay, she pulled a good amount of distance between them, clearly setting the line of her anger on the matter, right straight to him.

How can he possibly be sure you would never find this matter out when only a slip of a tongue can give her the idea of what transpired some hours ago.

“You know I cannot disrespect Halma-mama’s power when it comes to the women in the inner court.”

As the Grand Royal Dowager Queen holds the highest rank in the inner court, it would only be necessary to say his grandmother ordered the punishment, when in fact it was never her idea to impose a harsh discipline on the concubine. However, the appeal of the elders in the inner court to decide on the fate of her unlawful conceiving resulted in a consensus decision to abort the unborn child. Unless the queen is proven to be sterile, the inner court strictly prohibits the harem to carry a King’s child. 

“She is carrying your child!”

He knows that, very well. But he wished his wife would refrain from carrying the weight of her emotions as it might put a toll on her health and consequently affect their unborn child. “Calm down,” King Namjoon prompted cautiously.

He could never forgive himself for failing to protect his unborn child from being stripped off the chance to live in a world where his/her father rules out a kingdom. Never in this lifetime and in the next would he ever learn to spare himself the forgiveness.

“You know, Lady Li and I are both with child. If I were not your queen, you’d simply allow them to get rid of my child, would you not?”

He reaches out, once more. “No, no. Of course, not. Not under my watch.”

But the queen was quick enough to retract from the close proximity.

Perhaps, he was right. He cannot have the power to overrule the inner court, but why does his words feel insincere? It made her suddenly fear for her own child’s life despite the position she holds. When her mother warned her about the sickening life in the palace and the doctrines in the inner court, she never thought it would come to this extent.

How can she look at his family and pretend everything is alright. One wrong move and might lose her child as well.

All too suddenly, she could feel herself slowly being overwhelmed with disgust, needing the urge to throw up.  

She couldn’t stand being here, to see anyone just yet. She fixes a glare at her attendants, warning them not to follow her. Her eyes lingered on him for a second before she took a swift turn, exiting her way out of the vicinity.

With quick strides, he followed her trail, only to spin back around, skimming through each one of servants in his quarters.

“No one must follow me or the queen,” his eyes particularly burned at his eunuch. “Do you understand?” He glowered, not waiting for them to answer as he too disappeared into the halls of his royal residence.

When you felt their grasp loosening, you began thrashing out as fear dominated your senses. Even with their hand pressed firmly on your mouth, you could hear your own sobs croaking out of your throat. And as if your pellucid fear had triggered them to stiffen, their hold around your waist loosened. But the adrenaline running in your senses all vanished the moment they finally spoke.

“Jagiya.”

Your eyes went round, recognizing the owner of the voice. He lets his hand fall from your mouth. 

”J-Jungkook?” you hesitated. While you remained flushed against his body, you couldn’t be sure of their identity.

Swiftly, he spun you around to confirm your assumption for yourself. The light torches were a little far where you two stood but there was no denying it was him, judging by the little features of his face you could make out through the help of the vibrant moon lighting up in the sky behind him.

Yet, his action had already shaken you up, feeling the loud beating of your heart. All of your emotional baggage rushing all at once, you couldn’t help but lash out to him, seeing his chest as a target to release all your frustrations.

“Why did you do that?! I thought I was being kidnapped,” you anguished, horror remained etched on your face.

He took all your hits without a fight as guilt all too sudden consumed him after realizing the effect of what he had done. “I’m sorry, Jagiya. I didn’t mean to scare you,” he murmurs, drying the moisture on the corners of your eyes with his thumbs. The moon was like a spotlight focused solely on yours, giving him the clear view of your weary face.

It wasn’t long before you calmed down. Now, all you feel is shame as your anger washes out of your system with every hit of your fist against his chest. Your head bobbed lower, “Just... don’t do that, again.”

Hearing him whisper a promise not to repeat the same mistake, you all but give him a curt nod, allowing the silence to fill in the moment.

Jungkook, once again, made you upset, the second time he had gotten himself close to you after his return to the capital. Must he keep making you in anguish just whenever he’s around you? It was wrong of him to catch your attention the way he had just done when he could’ve simply called you out to do it. But after seeing the queen and her maids passing by the same path you’re about to take, he didn’t want to make an unnecessary sound in case anyone’s lurking around without him seeing through the vicinity covered in almost pitch black.

He wondered why you seemed determined to go on your way despite going on around without a company. 

“Where are you going—”

“What are you doing here—”

You stilled just as he was surprised to hear you spoke the same time he decided to break the silence.

“I saw you going out of your quarters.” He simply answered. It was true. He left the festive banquet at the east to randomly visit your residence. He knew it would be unnecessary to invite himself into the premises so he just stood there, particularly waiting for nothing to kill time before he leaves the palace.

But then he saw the outermost doors of your residence opening, revealing none other than the subject of his thoughts. Then the rest was history.

“W-What? Are you spying on me?”

“Spying?” He chuckles at your choice of your words. He would’ve honestly accepted stalking better. “The banquet’s getting too loud to my liking. I’d rather spend my time with you. Mayhaps, luck is finally on my side when I saw you just in time— going out.”

Hearing his words earned a scoff from you. Wasn't he just with a woman this morning? Not to mention, it was one of the reasons why you randomly sought the need to breathe in some fresh air on a cold, winter night.

“I guess if you’re not distracted with your prince, you would have immediately caught the sound of my footing. Where are you going, anyway? Will you go see him?”

Your mouth parted in disbelief, “You didn’t hear anything from me when you were the one hiding with a woman just this morning.”

Hiding with a woman? For a second, his forehead crumpled in thought, recalling his activities prior to this moment. He couldn’t seem to remember when he actually hid with a woman. He didn’t even talk to any woman earlier in the morning, except for a friend—

“Ahh,” He hums in understanding, “Jagi, I’m not hiding with Mina—”

“Mina?”

He recalls speaking with Mina after the latter who belonged to the group of gisaengs during the banquet who recognized him inside the reception and was only able to catch up after him at the entrance main palace. Mina enthusiastically dragged him behind the closest infrastructure to briefly speak to him in peace without potentially attracting an audience.

“I met her a long time ago. Jagiya—“

“Forget it,” you immediately dismissed, but with him not missing the way color bloomed on your cheeks. “It’s not my business to hold it against you. You’re free to do as you wish.”

Are you being serious? How can you think he can be possibly interested to another woman? 

He tilts your chin up so he can see your pretty eyes, clearly. “What are you saying, Jagiya? I thought we’ve already established that I’m yours. Have I not?”

He heard no answer from you, but didn’t miss the subtle shake of your head.

“No?” He echoes, the frown on his face deepens. Still, you refused to speak nor return the heavy weight of his peer.

“Our lovemaking wasn’t enough, was it?” His sudden brought up to the matter which should never be spoken of made you dart your eyes back up at him. There it was again, the same emotions reflecting in your eyes the morning when you put a cold shoulder at him. He couldn’t quite decipher the signals you were giving him.

“Jungkook, we’re not together anymore.”

“Then would you rather be with the prince over me?”

You look away, even though you really wanted to give an answer. 

“I haven’t seen your beautiful smile since I came back, Jagi. But you were smiling a lot around him. Gods, was I jealous when you showed him of such privilege I was deprived of.” He groans, slowly inching his face closer, as if testing your reaction to his advance.

He took your lack of withdrawal as a sign to keep going. Silently, you gave him the freedom to intrude your personal space.

“You saw us,” you murmur, confirming it to yourself more than throwing it as a question to him.

Your jaw went slack, shamelessly anticipating for his lips to touch yours. Closer. Until your noses bumping, his mouth a breath away from touching your plump lips. It almost happened. Almost. Because just as he shifts his head a centimeter forward, finally capturing your awaiting lips with his, a cry of protest loudly resonated through the air, echoing as the sound bounces back from the empty silence.

“Stop following me!” The voice was undoubtedly owned by a woman.

If Jungkook didn’t recognize  the voice, you certainly did. Her voice was too familiar for you not to identify her as the Queen, forcing you to draw back from the proximity immediately. Once again, panic courses through you, rapidly consuming your senses as fear worsened your capability to think rationally in a situation such as this.

Your wide eyes stared back Jungkook in a silent plea.

It wasn’t clear to you how far she was from both of you, but the nearing claps of footsteps tells you the queen and whoever was following her are passing by behind the greenhouse. If they decided to take a turn right across where you two stood, they will certainly not miss the sight of you seemingly in a rendezvous with Jungkook.

“I said—Jeonha!”

You gasp, slapping a hand to your mouth, utterly stunned at what you just heard. Jeonha? Does that mean she was addressing her order to your brother?

“The K-King is here...” you stammer.

He hushed you, silently telling you to keep still as he cages you against the outer wall of the greenhouse, as if shielding you from any potential eyesight. He was too close as he let his head hang low just beside the shell of your ear. You could hear his heavy breathing, the warmth oozing naturally from his body seemed to calm your nerves in some way, nearly forgetting about the predicament both of you are in, nearly missing the silence lingering in the air.

Are they gone?

Despite your pellucid reaction, Jungkook seems not one bit shaken by the fact you two are a thread away from being seen together in the dark.

Suddenly, he shifted onto your left, breaking his manmade territory around you to move further away from where you two were supposed to be hiding.

“Jungkook!” you desperately called for his attention in a panicked whisper.

Nervously, you watch his back as he extends his neck to peep behind the greenhouse. It didn’t take him long before he whirled back around, and in a flash, grapples your wrist and dragged you into the opposite direction.

“Where are we going?”

Though Jungkook could hear the agitation in your tone, he ignored your question, averting his focus to hide you and make no sound at all. The couple turned out to be closer than he had guessed them to be.

Just as he stopped in front of the doors of the greenhouse, he heard you argue about his choice of hiding spot, but ignored you for the second time.

In a calculated shuffling on the rusted bar keeping the twin panel of doors closed, he flicked it up, allowing him to push one of the doors open. The firm grip of his fingers on your waist was all you could focus on as he urged you to enter inside the greenhouse. Carefully, he pushed the door back closed, dragging you with it as he pressed your back against the cold surface. His hands on both sides of your head as he rests his forehead against the door, just above your shoulder. You couldn’t see much of the view behind him because of the lack of light inside. But the moonlight seeping through the transparent roofing of the greenhouse was enough to give you the faintest possible light to make out the features of his frame.

“It was too quiet, isn’t it? I thought the queen and king were gone.”

“We were intruding them,” he simply replied.

“W-What?”

He shifted his head to the side and before you knew it, a pair of warm lips touched yours in fervor. Jungkook has never been this bold before to break your personal space nor touches without asking your permission.

Years without seeing him, you understand that he might have grown into a persona different from what you know of him. When you saw him that weary day after four years, you picked up a sense of strangeness in his aura. Perhaps, it is his confidence or the powerful aura he naturally emits that made you speechless.

Groaning as the feel of your mouth accelerated the temperature of his body, Jungkook deepens the kiss with his tongue pushing passed your parted lips.

The way he held you in place, with his hands on your face and his torso locking you firm against the door, you didn’t expect him to withdraw from the kiss so soon which resulted in a soft breathy whine to slip out of your throat.

“Perhaps that answered your question,” he says, picking up the teasing tone in his voice. Jungkook dipped his head lower, burying his head on the crook of your neck to press a warm, wet kiss on the same spot he bruised purple two nights ago.

grand royal dowager queen - spouse of a former king; presently the king’s grandmother Halma-mama - how the royal grandchildren address their grandmother gongju - title of a princess bubuin - title of princess consort (wife of a prince) gisaeng - female entertainer yangban - any nobleman holding a government position dogam - a committee/body authorized to organize a royal event jinchan - other term for royal banquet soban - other term for a traditional table used in joseon era hanji - other term for traditional korean paper Changdeok - East Palace Gyeongbok - Main Palace/main residence of the royal family

note: after posting 4 chapters of the series, im finally opening a tag list skskssksjsj hahaahaha if u lovelies want to be tagged in the future chapters, send me your url here.

mintseesaw © 2020

[mrslittletall]

Time for my Ghost of Tsushima Review: Graphics To make it short, the game looks absolutely GORGEOUS. It goes with a realistic style. I didn’t had trouble with the character models, they looked good and unique and the facial expressions were well done. What got me, though, is the scenery. Tsushima is lush with nature and there were trees, flowers, pampas grass. You clearly could see what was a japanese settlement and what was a mongol camp, though I have to argue that they resuded a lot of assets for the buildings, like if you you knew one of them, you knew all of them, but that is nitpicking.  The water looked great, the fire effects looked great, the foxes were cute, the flowers were gorgeous. It was a joy to look at and I made some scenery screenshots which I all forgot to upload, oh well...  The last area was a bit duller though, because it was full of snow, but I like snow and we got footprints in the snow, so I was fine with it ^^ Sound/Music Sadly this game suffers from western Triple A problems... the music is generic and doesn’t stand out. I think I remember one song of the entire OST and that was in Yarikawa, when you unlock the Ghost Stance.  The music is generally played with japanese instruments which was a very nice touch though. It wasn’t there all the time also, leaving you room to listen to the atmosphere, which was nicely done. It never really was quiet in Tsushima, but it made me feel at ease. I am also amazed at the voice acting. The voice acting was really really good, though both me and my husband had one gripe with it... Ok, so I put them on english, but they are still talking japanese with each other, it’s just dubbed for our listening comfort, so why... why did so many VA’s speak with a fake japanese accent?! That didn’t make any sense at all!  It got even more hilarious when I read the names of the credits and Jin, one of the few who doesn’t sport a fake japanese accent was spoken by a japanese man! That was the only gripe I had with the voice acting though.  Gameplay  The game feels like a classic Open World game. I heard a lot of people got tired by it, but they probably have played like a hundred Open World titles already. I only played Breath of the Wild and Death Stranding (and Death Stranding is not a typical Open World title), so it felt all fresh and new enough for me. I am a person who really likes to see progress in games, so it always felt great for me when I found one of the locations in Tsushima that would give me some extra and make my Jin stronger. I loved the exploration part of the game.  The quests of the games? They were a bit generic, at least the optional quests. Lots of the same to do. The story quests were more interesting, for they sometimes forced a certain playstyle on you or gave you certain weapons to use. Like, sinking the ships with the hwacha was really cool and having to sneak out of the shogun’s castle was nerve wracking. I wasn’t bored with them though, for I liked the little stories behind the quests.  The combat was really fluid and played well, though the standoffs at Act 3 got ridiculously hard. I thought it was my problem, but I wasn’t the only one failing the standoffs in Act 3, the game really just made them super hard, apparently to encourage stealth? Yeah, but I don’t want to stealth the mongol patrols...  The boss battles in the game... they kinda felt like a dance. You had to find out what your opponent does and react accordingly and if you did it right, it felt like a beautiful rythm of a sword battle. I was pretty impressed by how fluid it felt when I didn’t mess up. The stealth mechanics were good. I hate stealth in games where you normally don’t do stealth, but here the stealth was a big part of the game. You had a lot of options for stealth, you could hide in grass or behind walls, you could assassinate the foes one by one, you could hide on a roof and shoot them with your bow, you get access to poison later in the game (shooting a brute with hallucination dart was always fun) and and and. It really hammers home that your character took up the practices of a shinobi to save his home.  The early game hell was pretty bad though... you start with not much of course, and that made me almost give up on the game because I did nothing but die... only when I found out that I can run up to archers and hit them with my sword instead of having an archer battle, I had fun again. Like, the game starts you out with low health and resolve and then gets you into missions with five archers shooting at you at once? You are dead before you could even aim!  Overall, I had fun with the gameplay.  Story/Characters Ok, that will be complicated, because I like the story and I dislike the story at the same time... But let’s talk about the characters first. I loved most of them, especially Jin, Yuna, Kenji and Norio. Every main character got their own questline which you could follow and it showed a lot about them, also that none of them a honourable hero or anything, but they all had their flaws and troubles... Especially Lady Masako’s quest made me thinking... for it was extreme that her family got slaughtered like that, but after hearing that she left her sister in an abusive marriage I couldn’t hate Lady Hana for it... she must have tremendously suffered and sadly all her negative energy got channeled at innocent people... Their stories went through the whole game and were a good thing to deepen them, because in the main story they felt a bit side lined in favour of Yuna’s and Jin’s friendship as well as the storyline about Ryuzo and the relationship between Jin and Shimura.  Ok, let’s talk about the story now.  The story is set on the 13th century of the island of Tsushima with the mongol invasion. Because the mongols fight not fair, the honourable Samurai lose the battle... almost all of them. Jito Shimura gets captured and Jin gets dragged away by thief Yuna who nurses him back to health. Of course he makes the decision to save Shimura, who is his uncle, but now he hasn’t an army in his back, he’s only one man. So Yuna teaches him the tactics of stealth and dirty fighting. More and more over the span of the game, Jin takes up the practices of a shinobi, with a lot of Ghost Weapons that get unlocked and a stealth based game play.  Jin, who has been raised as honourable samurai, has trouble with this and can’t accept his new role at first. He tells himself he stops doing it once the mongols are driven out, but...  A legend is getting spun. The Legend of the Ghost. I really like how this happens, for Jin does nothing supernatural to get the mongols down, he simply changes his tactics. But the people hear about it and they rumour and soon after they call him “The Ghost” and everything gets exxegerated a LOT. That is pretty much how legends must have started, so I loved this aspect.  And I loved how we see Jin’s inner struggle and how he thinks about the land first and his honour second and that there is a friendship with Yuna which never turns into romance, which is a plus as well. Act 2 was really epic and I loved the whole Yarikawa moment, when like everything screamed “For the Ghost”, that was POWERFUL. What I dislike is the story since the end of Act 2 and in the start of Act 3.   See, there’s Ryuzo. Ryuzo is Jin’s boyfriend childhood friend and he is a ronin. Jin asked him to join his forces, but Ryuzo betrays him and joins the mongols for his men hunger and the Khan did promise him food.  And during the second act, Ryuzo and his strawhat ronin act like secondary villains... and I was very much hoping for a redemption arc for Ryuzo, but instead the story lets Ryuzo pathetically cry for his life and Jin has to kill him. Um, what was that?! You missed a GREAT opportunity for a redemption arc here and it feels like you didn’t use the potential of Ryuzo at all...  And then Act 3 happened... see in Act 2 there is a mission where Jin gets poison and it is a powerful weapon, most players will probably use it. But there is a scene where Jin uses it without player control and his uncle is like “WTF Jin?”  The issue comes when we enter act 3 and now the mongols use the poison that Jin used on them... And the story turns into a “Oh Jin used poison, how horrible that is! Now the mongols have poison! Why did you use poison, Jin? You are clearly the villain now.” Which I am like... “No? What the fuck? This guy saved thousands of people because he decided that life was more imporant than honour and the narration wants to tell us that poison is bad? What?”  In the end, I liked that Lord Shimura came to help though and the ending tale... had some very powerful lines “You have no honour.” “And you are a slave to it.” Beautifully delivered those lines. My decision in the end was to let Lord Shimura leave, but not for the reason Jin had, for he said he wouldn’t kill family. My reason was the following: “Live! See the pain and suffering of your people and help them. Live with your shame and survive, because that is what Jin does. You don’t get an easy way out, old man.” Yeah, my reason was lot more spite...  Anyway, I wish the story in the later acts would have been better... it started so strong... Overall This isn’t a perfect game of course. But I had my fun with it and I wanted to explore the map and see the end of Jin’s story. Characters were adorable and fun, gameplay is smooth once early game hell is over. I would totally rec this game if you aren’t fatigued of open world titles.

[hawksmagnolia]

The Depths (Pt. 1)

Drunk Drabble prompt submitted to @the-ss-horniest-book-club

Request by: @marvelgirl7

Summary: Because even a super soldier needs saving sometimes. 

Who: Bucky Barnes x mermaid reader

Word count: 2,341

Warnings: Swearing

Authors Note: So, this little drabble prompt has grown into a three part monster. Parts 2 & 3 will coming in the next week or so. I hope you like it Lacy- love your face! -xo- Allie Don’t forget to leave me feedback!

The Depths part 1: The Cold Brine

“Be a

mermaid

who doesn’t settle

for making a

small splash.”

   -Amanda Lovelace

I was born with fins.

No one was truly surprised. My mother liked to say I was half sea and half storm, created when the siren fell in love with a Russian fisherman she found in a hurricane. I didn’t even learn to walk on the land until I was three after which I spent half my life on land, the other in the depths.

After my father died, something in me shattered, that all too human heart that beat in my chest. Being a halfling child, I was something rare, belonging to neither world but after I lost my ties to land I refused to live only in the brine depths with my mother’s people. I made a promise to the ocean lords that I would save as many others as I could so that his spirit would find rest and not be trapped within the seas for eternity. I refused to drag men down, to sing them to eternal sleep in the dark cold silence.

I was not quite sea, not quite a storm. So I made my choice, I chose to save lives.

During the winter months, I would circle deep beneath the vessels, dodging their cages of rope and metal, the ones they used to catch the ocean’s harvest of crabs, gently urging the crustaceans into them. I did this to help the fishermen fill the steel bellies of their ships before the winter storms could grow into full strength behemoths capable of dragging men to their watery graves in the arms of the sirens.

Sirens are often called the monsters of the deep, but they are wrong. The storms are far more dangerous than I could ever be. The storms provide men like a buffet of lost souls to the creatures of the tides.

And then one day, the Americans came.

Their ships were smaller, faster than my country’s ships. Their crews laughed and sang as they worked, sounds unfamiliar on these waters.

They would work on the invisible lines that divided the ocean as if the currents obeyed any man. I was fascinated by them, I would watch them from beneath the surface, my enhanced hearing not hindered by the waves.

For six seasons I watched them. Every spring I would venture to their ports, where I would see them offload their bounty. The selkies, hostile at first until they realized I was not there to steal their lands, then welcomed me. They taught me the language of these men, how to blend into the locals. I would borrow their human guises, the sun touched skin, the onyx of their hair and eyes. How to blunt my teeth and nails. A siren among selkies, I found a new home. They knew what it was like to live in two worlds.

In the seventh season, the winds changed and the hurricane came.

The storm slammed into the fleet, leaving nothing behind, dragging men and ship to the dark before anyone could even get to their little orange life rafts. The water was simply too cold for them to survive longer than a few precious moments even if they escaped the sinking ships. Two ships in two days and no survivors.

On the third day of the storm’s fury, I pushed myself to go farther than I normally did, swimming deep to escape the riotous waves and howling wind.

I couldn’t hear anything but the pressure above me increased, actually forcing me down. Something very large had hit the water. I shot through the currents, pushing hard as the ship rolled over once, twice, and finally settled on its side. When I broke above the waves, the small lifeboat was already in the water and men were scrambling into it. I dove again, checking the water for anyone who had slipped but found no one but I saw the little blinking box fall from the rubber boat. I knew it would call for help, the selkies had taught me about it. I grabbed it and turned it on, watching as the little balloon inflated and rose where I tied it to one of the ropes dangling from their raft. As I returned to the surface I saw the last two escaping but before I could feel any sense of relief another wave hit hard and unexpected and the final man shoved his partner in before he fell and was swallowed by the sea. The men began to shout but their safe haven was pushed away from their friend.

So I dove for him.

Most men panic and thrash. He seemed almost peaceful as he descended. His hair was long for a man, some of it has escaped his holder and was drifting about his handsome face.

I wondered what color his eyes were.

I grabbed his jacket, my claws cut through the waterproof material, and the clothes underneath to flesh, drawing blood. It was enough for his eyes to fly open and his mouth opened in a scream only audible to me.

His eyes were blue, the same color as the skies in Russia when the spring finally arrives. I know what he sees but I don’t know if he believes.

A spectre of the sea, solid white from my hair to my tail. My eyes reflect any light in the murky water, giving me better vision but also giving me an unnerving glow to my eyes. My nails are sharp, my fingers webbed to the second knuckle. My tail alone is over six feet long, heavily muscled, and ends in delicate wisp fins that look like a human bride’s veil. He can’t see but each of my teeth ends in a point.

Sirens are carnivores after all.

His hand grabbed my wrist, fingers encircling it. Not made of flesh, but of metal. With my free hand, I point to him and then point up. He stares at me and I start to wonder if his heart has given out in the cold but then he nods slowly. Leaving my wrist in his hand but releasing his clothing I shot towards the surface, dragging him behind me.

We broke through at a point away from the sinking vessel, far enough away to see it but not close enough to be pulled under with it.

He gasped and his teeth immediately began chattering. I snaked the end of my tail around him and pulled him closer. He swears but released my wrist as I sat him just below my hips as a mother would her child.

“Hold on to my waist.” I felt him tentatively wrap his metal arm around me so I grabbed both and pulled him closer, locking his fingers together. My body runs hot, sometimes too much so, but at that moment I was grateful for it. My body heat should keep him alive long enough to get him to safety.

His eyes bored into me. “You’re Russian.”

“Once, yes. Hold tight. This will not be easy.” I cut through the waves, slicing through the middle of them where the water was easiest to penetrate. I held him against me with one arm while using the other to create a tunnel for us to pass through. When the little raft bobbed into sight I gave a small sigh of relief. I could hear the thumping drone of the rescue helicopters so I knew they were near.

With a final push, I grabbed the outer rope and hauled us closer.

“Call them. I won’t leave until you’re inside but they cannot see me.”

His arms still tight around my waist, he called out for them to help him inside. I gently pried his fingers apart and slid him down to the middle of my tail so he could sit on it as his companions cried out in surprised joy as they began to haul him in. I slid myself back into the water, preparing to sink out of sight when his face reappeared and he grabbed my hand.

“Thank you. How..can…I see you again?”

Baffled, I stared at him. No man who has faced a siren in her natural state would ever want to see her again. But this was no ordinary man, he had survived in some of the hardest conditions known. I don’t speak, instead, I pull my knife from around my neck and I sliced through my hair, right where a perfect silvery pearl was threaded. He watched me, not even shivering anymore. I pressed the knotted strand and the pearl into his hand before I vanished beneath the churning water.

Bucky sat in the Coast Guard helicopter, an emergency blanket wrapped around his shoulders. The other crew members were almost giddy with the relief that they had all been rescued. He ran his thumb over the hank of ivory hair and the perfect pearl braided into it as his thoughts swirled.

He’d come to Alaska after seeing a show about fishermen on tv once he’d broken free from Hydra and left Captain America…Steve…on the banks of the river. Alaska seemed like the perfect place to hide.

And it had been. No one here really asked about anyone’s past. He used an old forgotten Hydra identity and claimed to be a war vet. At least the second part of true. No one cared about what you did, only what you could do. And he was more than capable than holding his own.

Everything had been fine until that night. The captain and crew, while friendly, also gave him much needed privacy and respectful distance. But that storm, it had been raging for days but had made an abrupt turn almost as if it was hunting their boat. Two others had already sunk, so his captain had made changes to ensure their safety. When the boat had flipped, they’d all been in their bunks. By the time it had settled on its side, the crew was scrambling into the life raft. But one rogue wave had struck the raft so he’d chosen to shove the younger man, the one with a baby at home, inside and let himself fall.

He had already decided to accept his fate when the pain cut through the numbing cold. When his eyes had opened, he thought he was hallucinating. Or that he was back in cyro, dreaming as the cold took him away.

But he’d never dreamed of a mermaid before. His memory may be completely fucked but he would have remembered that. She was like someone had turned moonlight into a deadly sea maiden.

Her face was sharp angles and big eyes that gleamed like opals but it gave her an otherworldly beauty. There was a certain exotic appeal to her features. Her tail was gleaming white and nothing like any artwork had portrayed, it alone was longer than he was tall. Her body was powerful, muscles tensing as she kept herself upright.

When her hand had grabbed him, claws had sliced straight through to his chest. He grabbed her wrist, convinced she was going for his heart but instead she pointed up. Her hands were actually quite delicate with sheer webbing between her fingers but tipped with deadly looking claws. He couldn’t take his eyes off her face but he nodded. She released his clothing, choosing instead to use his grip on her wrist to drag him to the surface. She was built for speed, several powerful strokes of her tail and they were above.

When his face broke through he gasped and the frigid air rushing into his lungs was a shock to his system. He began shaking, his enhanced body trying to keep him alive. Her tail had wrapped around his core, pulled him to her side. Bucky swore at both the cold and the sensation of her settling him below her hips on that powerful tail. He couldn’t help but notice that the air around them seemed still, that no waves broke over their faces and that her tail didn’t feel like fish scales but like more like a snakeskin.

“Hold onto my waist.” Bucky stared at her. Perfect English but her accent was pure Russian. He didn’t want to hurt her with his weapon of an arm so he gingerly slid it around her. She took his arms and locked the fingers together firmly. The heat was pouring off her body, soaking into him despite his wet clothing.

“You’re Russian.” Bucky noticed the delicate slits on her neck below her pointed ear. Gills, he thought. They were flat, almost sealed against the air.

She glanced at him with her pale jewel-colored eyes, the sclera almost black. “Once, yes. Hold tight. This will not be easy.” She wrapped a muscular arm around him as if she was carrying a baby. With one push, they were off. Water should have been dragging him away but instead, it was as if she was created a tunnel through the waves. When the life raft came into his view she slowed until she was able to grab one of the outer ropes.

“Call them. I won’t leave until you’re inside but they cannot see me.”

Bucky hesitated but called out, yelling for help.

She gently pried his fingers apart and shifted until he was resting near the end of her tail. Enough that he would be able to be pulled inside but still not seen. After he’d been hauled inside he turned back around and shoved his head through the unzipped flap.

“Wait!”

She turned back to him, her eyes curious.

He grabbed her hand, this time with his flesh hand. “Thank you. How..can…I see you again?”

Confusion softened her features and she hesitated before taking a knife made of what looked like an oyster shell from her neck and slicing the pearl and the hair holding it. She’d pressed it into his hand and then vanished from sight.

Bucky sighed and shifted again, making sure his glove was concealing his prosthetic. He shoved the prize deep in a pocket and leaned his head against the vibrating wall of the helicopter.

He needed a new plan.

@nano--raptor @cchellacat @eurynome827 @jobean12-blog @book-dragon-13 @aesthetical-bucky @marvelgirl7 @sallycanwait68 @buckys-broody-muffin @softpeachbarnes @godofplumsandthunder @azurika-writes @ikaris-whore @this-kitten-is-smitten @randomfandompenguin @bucky-plums-barnes @bugsbucky @littleredstarfish @emilylyoness @hailmary-yramliah​ @daughterofsteven​ @jewels2876​

[avversiera-writes]

try again; in every day we breathe life [tobirama senju/you] - chapter 9

Chapter 9 - Then

Summary: Tobirama, on the verge of death after Ginkaku and Kinkaku staged a coup during the peace ceremony, gathers his last drop of strength to get home.

Word count: ~6k

also available on AO3. 

Chapter 1 - Now | Chapter 2 - Then, part 1 | Chapter 2 - Then, part 2 | Chapter 3 - Now | Chapter 4 - Then | Chapter 5 - Then | Chapter 6 - Now | Chapter 7 - Then | Chapter 8 - Then |

tw// blood, miscarriage, ptsd, panic attacks, another attempted murder, it's really sad but rest assured they will heal

to sum: Tobirama feels helpless

Tobirama’s eyes snap open, and he realizes that it is nighttime. The stars seem closer up here in Kumogakure, as they are a village that is closest to the sky. The night sky glitters before him, and the moon hangs low, so low that Tobirama can see its ridges and craters. On the ground, he is surrounded by cold bodies, and he is splattered by the familiar stickiness of blood. He feels nauseous and he closes his eyes to try and fight it. He should be dead, but he is not, or maybe this is it for him and he is only taking in his last moments. His body is frozen stiff, and there is little that he can feel. He knows that he has been injured badly enough that he had blacked out from it. 

 He turns his head, and he sees the miniature toy dragon that he intends to bring home to his wife and child. He is not much of a sap, but a souvenir from a different place is not bad. 

 The toy dragon is made from jade, but it is small and can be easily missed. It is now covered in blood. 

Tobirama turns to the sky again, and catches a shooting star travelling across one point to another. 

 If he dies here, then everything he has done so far, everything he has set to motion, may all come to a stop. 

Tobirama still has so much more things to do, to accomplish, and promises to live up to. 

A hawk circles over the carnage that the Gold and Silver brothers have wrought. Just as the peace ceremony was going well, Ginkaku and Kinkaku sought to stop the ceremony. Tobirama recognizes the nine-tails’ chakra in them, and before the night fell, he is brought to the verge of death despite giving them a hell of a fight. The Second Raikage was also attacked, but he is not sure if he made it or not. 

 Tobirama closes his eyes, and he notices how little chakra he has left. He can use it to check on his wife and unborn child, and if it is his time, then he will leave this world knowing that his work was not just for naught, that something had worked out and all his sacrifices were worth something. He needs to know that choosing the village over everything, choosing his brother and his dreams were the right choices. 

He is hundreds of miles away, but that is nothing to get to her. 

He seeks her out, searches for her particular chakra signature, now more than unique than ever, but he does not find her where she is supposed to be. He does not have enough chakra to keep looking, and no matter how far he spreads his scope, he cannot feel her. 

 Tobirama’s eyes snap open. 

 Something is wrong. 

A cold fear that forces his heart to beat harder washes over him, and it gives him enough strength to roll to his side. 

 He needs to get home. He needs to do it now. He needs to get to his wife. 

 He is needed . 

He doesn't care if he will lose his life trying to do what is impossible at the moment. He has always been the pinnacle of impossible, and yet. 

 Tobirama groans, realizing that his body is broken. He has multiple fractures in his ribs, and he is already bleeding out, blood as dark as the night pooling under him. He patches himself up hastily, and he reaches for his sword and stands himself up. He is light-headed, and his thoughts are barely starting to make sense, but he has a goal and he will not rest until he accomplishes what he has set out to do. He swallows every doubt and fear, buries them under the mental fortitude that took him years to develop. 

 His wife needs a man, needs her husband, and Tobirama is not always man enough to be worthy of her, he is in pieces and he divides himself everyday and travels further from her as the Hokage. 

 But he is certain that he can save and protect her, so he picks himself up, little by little, piece by piece so that will be the one to be there for her. He cannot give her more, he cannot be anything more, but he will get to her. 

 He will grovel on the ground, if he has to. 

//

Your skin is feverish, and your temperature only continues to increase. It becomes unbearable, and you are gasping for air, trying to find a way to alleviate it. Your thoughts become muddled, and your eyes feel like they are about to bulge out of your skull. Pain laces up and down your spine, and you can only cry and gasp out as you lie on the forest floor. 

 Is this how it ends for you? 

 You think of your husband, and your heart breaks for him. You cannot imagine causing him pain, but you wonder if he will mourn you and your unborn child. He will, in his own way.

You let out a cry as the pain begins to double, and you claw at the ground underneath you. You are completely soaked with sweat, and it is getting harder to breathe.

Someday, the time will come where you will beg for me to come and take your pain away.  

 Madara had once said that, in your dream where he appeared. Is this what he meant? 

You start to shout, as a debilitating cramp takes over your lower belly. Something inside is twisting and clawing you, and the fire that threatens to engulf you inside, that seems to boil your blood makes it worse. 

 Maybe you are also hallucinating, but you see Madara’s silhouette watching you a few feet away. You glimpse at it, and more tears pour from your eyes. 

 He is still your friend. He still haunts you to this day. Is he really dead when he lingers in the shadows of your worst nightmares? No one can protect you from what is in your mind, and maybe that is what Madara had wanted when he appeared in your dream. Maybe you will be the cause of Tobirama’s downfall because you have chosen to believe his words. 

“I’m sorry,” you choke out. “I’m sorry. Please. Please!” 

You continue to weep, feeling hopeless. 

You hear something heavy fall near you, and you start to panic. You are unbelievably defenseless. You search for anything around you, something, a rock, a fragile stick, anything, but a calmness washes over you when you hear your husband whisper your name. You glimpse his crumpled form, and he is on the ground, crawling towards you. His happuri is cracked and it falls to the ground, and his armor has no more use as it did nothing to save him from his injuries. You see that half of his body is covered in blood, and some of it trickle down to the ground. 

“Tobirama!” You gasp, but you let out a strangled scream as something inside you feels like it is cutting away at your belly. 

Tobirama makes it to you, and he gathers you in his arms. Your head rests on his chest, and he puts a hand on your face. 

 You twist in his hold, and you kick at the ground, screaming as the pain continues to lay waste in your body. 

Tobirama’s eyes widen, as he sees blood and tissue coming out from in between your legs. They stream down your thighs, dark and lumpy. 

 “My blood–it’s–! It’s too hot!” You scream again, and Tobirama hefts you into his arms, despite his injury. 

You hear water splash underneath, and Tobirama takes you to the deeper part of the cold stream. He lowers you, and he keeps an arm on you as you seize in his arms. You hold on to his shoulder, and somewhere in your fits, you glimpse at the sky and you curse at it. 

 Why? Why you? 

 You let out one more prolonged scream, and this time, you feel something break away. You tremble, and you settle into Tobirama’s arms. 

“No, no, no,” Tobirama begs you. 

 You let out a breath and collapse into your husband completely, and then, nothing. 

//

Tobirama stares at his wife’s body in his arms, and the panic settling in his chest almost makes him freeze. He notices bruises on your neck that look like a hand. 

“NO!” Tobirama bellows. He checks your pulse. 

 Nothing. Nothing . 

A lump of dread lodges itself in his throat, and he puts a hand on the side of your face. You do not blink or breathe, and there is no movement at all. You are too still. Too lifeless. 

“No, no, do not do this!” Tobirama shouts. “Come back to me!” 

 He hauls you and himself back to dry ground, and despite the pain creaking through his body, he ignores it. He lays you flat on your back, and he begins to pump on your chest, trying to bring you to life. This is not how it is supposed to turn out. You are supposed to live on and even live past him. 

 Tobirama curses, and he pushes on your chest again and again, ignoring the feeling of breaking your ribs from the force. It makes him sick and nauseous. He has spent most of his life killing, and when it counts for him to prolong life, somehow it all turns against him. 

 He screams your name in the empty woods. 

//

It is almost dawn when Tobirama makes it to the hospital. Despite the alarm around him and the chaos as the doctors and nurses there scramble to treat him, he gets his wife on a gurney, and he collapses on the ground beside it. He has managed to get a pulse, but he is not sure how long that will last. She is pale, and she is barely breathing. 

 In a state of shock, Tobirama comes into conclusion that she may be undergoing sepsis and she will need all the attention and the care to make sure she comes out okay. The child inside her is probably dead, and Tobirama tries not to think about that and how he may explain it to her. If she makes it. 

 Everything sounds garbled around him, and he does not care about anything else. He fights anyone who tries to treat him, and instead demands that they take care of his wife first. 

“My brother!” He barks. “Get my brother now!” 

 “Lord Hokage,” one of the medics starts. 

 “Now!” He pushes away someone who tries to assist him into another gurney. “Her first!” 

In a rush, your gurney is wheeled away from him and Tobirama watches in horror as someone begins to pump on your chest again. 

 This is on him, if you do not make it. 

“Tobirama,” he feels his elder brother grab him and assist him to a gurney. 

 Somehow, Tobirama feels a little less mad. His brother’s hold on him is gentle and strong.

 “My wife,” he says in anguish. He does not know what has happened to him, but he sounds like a broken track. He is unable to say anything else. 

 “Okay, okay,” Hashirama reassures. “I will take care of her, rest assured.” 

 Tobirama grasps his brother’s arm. “The fetus will not make it.” 

Hashirama stares at his brother, in shock. He has never seen Tobirama so helpless. He is going into his default coping mechanism: trying to rationalize and distance himself from the event. He does not like the way Tobirama has said fetus, as if he is only stating a matter of fact. However, when he looks into his brother’s eyes, he sees fear in them. 

“I will save her,” Hashirama promises to him. “Now, you have to get treated.”

 “Her first,” Tobirama says in a more withdrawn tone. He has grown ashy pale, and Hashirama makes him lie on the gurney completely. “You have to save her first.”

 “I will,” Hashirama repeats. 

 Tobirama meets his gaze fiercely. “ Her first,” he emphasizes and he pushes his brother back to send him away. 

Hashirama swallows and he hurries after Tobirama’s wife, not wasting another second. 

 Tobirama cannot rest, but he lets himself finally get healed. His unconscious takes over the moment he closes his eyes, like a heavy mountain pressing him to the ground.

//

Tobirama contemplates whether he should go and visit you, now that Hashirama and the medics have finished treating you. He is not much of a fearful person, but he does not really want to see the aftermath of what you went through because it makes it that much real. His skin feels like there is blood plasted on him permanently, and no matter how much he washes his hands, it’s there, coating his hands like tight-skinned gloves. 

 So he does what he does best. He acts. 

He tasks his students, Hiruzen, Homura and Koharu to find whoever did this, and he knows who did this, but he cannot arrest someone unless there is incriminating evidence. He sends his students because if he is the one looking for Kimiko, he will not be merciful about it. Mercies are best left to his wife, and right now, you are indisposed. 

 His mind races about Kumogakure, and how the consequences of the coup may affect the land and his village. If worse comes to worse, there may be war, and he hopes to prevent that. 

“Lord Nidaime?” A gentle, but steady voice interrupts his thoughts. 

 He turns, and he sees Biwako, the girl Hiruzen has been crazy about. 

“Your wife is awake,” Biwako says. “Well, in better words, responsive.”

 Tobirama nods, and he finds himself frowning. He is not ready to see you, nor bring you the news of what has happened. 

 Biwako steps forward, but Tobirama raises a hand and she halts. 

“Lord Nidaime, you may need assistance,” Biwako says. 

 “How is she?” 

 “Stable,” Biwako replies straightforwardly. “However, she can barely speak nor move. She is in a lot of pain. She is under a lot of sedatives, and if she is not, she starts screaming.” 

Tobirama nods. “I will be there shortly. Leave me.”

Biwako bows quickly and she walks out of the room. 

Tobirama stares at his hands, and he hears you scream in his mind, and he can feel your weight on him, as you almost lost your life. He has seen and carried dead bodies before, but that weight feels different. It feels like a punishment. 

 Tobirama knows that he should not be walking around, but there are a lot of things that he should not be doing and here he is. He swings his feet over the bed as slowly as he can to not exert himself, and then he puts his weight on his legs. He almost doubles over, but he catches himself and he grabs at the wall. He puts one foot in front of the other, and somehow, he makes outside the door without toppling over. 

 “Sensei!” 

 Tobirama hears Hiruzen call. He hears his footsteps, and he lets his student support him by the arm. 

“How is she?” Hiruzen asks. 

 “Stable,” Tobirama curtly replies. “What did you find?” 

 “She was still there in the house. She was in your bathroom and there were splashes of water everywhere,” Hiruzen starts. “Homura found traces of a poison and sent it to the investigative division. Then we put her into a holding cell.” 

Tobirama swallows, completely horrified but he masks it as quickly as it appeared. “She tried to drown my wife.” 

 He knows that it is your worst fear to be drowned, having been subjected to it before. 

 “I am sorry, sensei,” Hiruzen utters. “If there is anything I could do…”

 “Saru,” Tobirama interrupts. “Do not say anything more.” 

Hiruzen stares at his sensei, a little puzzled, but he keeps quiet. He keeps his support on his sensei. 

“See if Biwako found traces of poison in my wife and that it matches the one found,” Tobirama takes his arm back from Hiruzen. 

 The two of them stop at the doorway of the room you are put in. The curtains cover you, but he can make out your shape behind it. 

“Yes, sensei,” Hiruzen quietly says and he turns to walk away. 

Tobirama does not know how long he has stood there, but he snaps himself back into reality and he makes his way to you. His heart softens as he finds your face, but it also hurts because you look frail and weak, something that even in your worst state has never been seen. He finally sits himself on the chair next to you, and he takes your hand in his. 

 You flinch and you let out a jumble of words, and your heart beat spikes up. 

“It is me,” Tobirama murmurs to you. “It’s just me.” 

Tobirama runs his thumb over your hand, and he stares at it. At least it is warm now. At least he can feel your pulse, and your blood flowing under your skin. He feels your chakra flowing normally, although very low in levels. 

 “You’re safe,” Tobirama reassures. 

 He finds your face, and tears fall from your eyes. They open, but Tobirama finds that your stare is unfocused. 

 Then you close your eyes again. 

Tobirama keeps still, and finally, he feels your hand squeezing his. 

 At least you are alive.

//

Days pass you by like a blur, and you are still unable to talk. You do a lot of swimming in your mind, and when you are lucid, you cannot help but scream to let it all out. Words mean nothing, and they do not connect with your tongue. You are tired of the quietness in your mind because it is searing, and it is hot and it is where your thoughts run uncontrollably. 

 It is like the silence that has kept you from crying out for help has finally been siphoned off by a great vacuum, and every loud sound that has been suppressed sings and blares like a horn taking the spotlight on stage.

 On most days, you feel bereft of feelings except fear and an uncontained anger that makes all reason go down the drain. Luckily, you are bedridden. 

Tobirama has explained to you what has happened, he has laid down the facts with a passive voice. His face is arranged in such a calm way, he could just be talking about anything. He does not show how he feels about your loss. It does not make sense to you, because you remember being happy about finally building a family with him, and now, it is like someone has pulled out the cord and everything is put to a stop. 

 Honestly, it hurts. 

 You want him to lash out at you, to blame you, but he does none of that. The only thing you can do is be angry and scream at him, but he has no fault in this. You know that he fought for you. 

You have lost something so monumental, and it swallows you whole. 

 Guilt. That is what you mostly feel because it is your job to make sure your own child makes it to this world. 

 It is so hard to accept it. 

“Please stop,” you whisper Tobirama because he still keeps going, as if to rub in salt into your wounds. You know that he is only doing his best to get you through this. He is being there in the way he knows how. 

 Because when things go wrong, he can always depend on his sense of logic and his ability to be able to fix just about anything. 

Tobirama immediately quiets down, and his facade breaks. He reflects the torment that you scream from the top of your lungs. 

 “You died,” he repeats, his voice breaking off. 

 You turn your head away from him. 

 “I had her arrested,” Tobirama continues. 

 “I told you to stop,” you say, your voice croaking. You have not spoken words in days. 

Tobirama falls silent again, and you close your eyes. 

 “Please leave,” you tell him, even if it breaks your heart. 

 “No,” Tobirama says in a steady voice. 

A terrible, long hush settles between the two of you. There really is no instructions to follow on how to go about this. The both of you had lost a lot. Grief is different for each person. 

 Tears start to fall from your eyes, and you wonder how come you do not run out of it. Sometimes you cry even when they do not flow. 

Tobirama’s hand hesitates over the side of your head, but then he takes it back. After a long minute, he comes closer and leans towards the bed to slip his arm under your head. He turns you to him, and you watch him as he wordlessly gathers you into his arms. His touches are tender, and you note that he is trembling. 

 Like a dam that has been staved off for too long, you burst out crying and he leans his head over yours. 

 You have been feeling so far away from your body, as if you are only a spectator, but at this moment, you are finally grounded, like a kite winded back to its owner’s hands. 

Tobirama is as steady as you need him. 

//

Your house is now a different place. Dark and uninviting, it serves to remind you of that night that you almost died. You did die, according to Tobirama, but that short blip into the so-called afterlife did not serve to offer some relief. If anything, it made you feel more alone and more aware that something is missing inside of you. 

 You were going to have a girl. 

 The thought makes you sob, and you do, for the hundredth time today. 

When you get to your room, you suddenly feel uneasy and it is like your brain is reliving the same horror all over again, but your body is safe and whole. It is like you are underwater again, and you are melting, and you can barely stay on your feet. 

 Tobirama guides you towards the bed, but you fight him off, unable to process what is happening to you. Everything is happening too quickly. A different kind of burn settles on your chest and it squeezes the air out of you, and you are unable to take in more air. 

More tears fall from your eyes, and you try to gasp for air. You just want to breathe. Your vision blurs, and Tobirama catches you as you topple over. 

 The two of you go to the floor. You push your husband away, feeling like you are once again, fighting for your life. 

 Tobirama refrains from touching you again, but he keeps himself near, ready to act and prevent you from hurting yourself. 

It gets messier as you start to heave and then vomit on the floor. 

 You feel helpless, and disgusted of yourself. 

You pass out, after you come to, and the last thing you are aware of is Tobirama silently cleaning your vomit up. 

//

 You stop eating, in fear of ingesting something that could possibly poison you. Tobirama has dismissed the servants that work in your house and vows to get new ones, but at the moment, there is only you and him. Even if Tobirama is the one who serves you the food, you do not eat it and while you know that he is getting frustrated that you are not eating, you cannot help but fear the food. 

 You know that Tobirama is holding himself accountable for this, and you want to comfort him but how can you comfort him when you are confined to your own thoughts? 

Tobirama is the Hokage by day, and by night, he becomes your servant as he monitors you hour by hour, and cleans up after whatever mess you make without complaint. 

“Please eat,” Tobirama says quietly. 

He sits on the side of the bed, waiting. 

 “I will not let anything happen to you,” Tobirama says. “Would it help if I eat the food?” 

 You gather your legs to your body and hug them. You peek at him from above your knees. 

“Yes?” Tobirama inquires. 

 “I don’t want to eat,” you say. 

Tobirama sighs, and he rakes a hand through his hair. He stands up, and grabs the bowl that he placed on the bedside table. 

 His jaw tenses, a sign that he is holding off on saying anything that may make this situation worse. “Look, not poison.” 

Tobirama takes a spoonful of the food, and you watch him swallow it. You observe for a long time, even though the food has grown cold. 

 Nothing happens to Tobirama. 

 Grudgingly, you take the bowl from him. 

He goes down on one knee and he looks you into your eyes. “You are safe.”

 You nod, and you glumly eat the food that he prepared. It tastes bland. 

//

For days, you have not bathed as you do not want to go to the bathroom, and sometimes, you even end up rocking back and forth on the floor next to the door of the bathroom. You also hold off on emptying your bladder, resulting in you soiling your clothes and the floor. It makes you feel worse and descend into a spiral of intrusive thoughts, but you will yourself to get it together enough to clean after yourself as best as you can. For now, you opt using the garden hose outside or the faucet in the kitchen. 

 You also stopped going out into the streets, afraid that some threat is bound to be acted upon you. Not until Kimiko is apprehended permanently, you cannot bear to take a step outside. 

Sometimes you are tempted to do the job yourself. No one can really get in your way, except for your husband. 

 For days, you contemplate on this. 

 Maybe it will be easier on you. To erase the source of your trauma. Maybe you will not have to fear every shadow you encounter, including your own. 

 You and Kimiko are now even. The both of you had lost your child. 

Tobirama keeps the details of Kimiko’s arrest secret from you, probably thinking that it is for the best. 

 And it is, because you are not sure what you are capable of doing at the moment. 

//

Tobirama hates it when you are sleeping on your back or your stomach, because even if he knows better, his mind plays tricks on him and he is there in the middle of the woods all over again, holding your body as your life leaves you. So whenever he finds you like that, he turns you to your side and when he can bear to, holds you into his arms so that he knows that you are breathing, and that you have a heartbeat. 

 It hurts him to see you like this. You have always stayed strong. He has always taken your strength for granted. 

 Now that you are reduced to tears and fits, and bursts of unprecedented anger he thought that you were not capable of, it shakes him to the core. 

It reminds him that he has failed you, both as your husband and Hokage. 

 In your sleep, you have nightmares and Tobirama cannot wake you up from them at times. The best he can do is be there, but even that is not an option at times. 

 He grieves in his own way too.

How does one handle a possibility that was so tangible and close to happening, but it is torn away before it has even begun? 

 How does one receive life, only to have it taken from you in such a short time? 

Questions swirl his mind and it keeps him awake. It drives him to throw himself into his work and he forgets about sleep. 

 If he can donate sleep then he will give it to you, as long as it means a peaceful night for you. 

 He ignores that his senses are frayed, but at times, there is only much touching he can handle because he keeps remembering being surrounded by death as he came to, and being greeted by death as he holds you. 

Why is this his destiny? As if he is meant to be surrounded by life, but to only be able to work with death. He pours hours into avoiding it, but the truth is, death is a fact, not a question that he can solve in a few steps. 

 How he wills it so, but that is a wall that he will keep knocking on as long as he lives. 

//

Even in your sadness, there is routine, all thanks to Tobirama and his ability to compartmentalize and boil it down in a way that he can understand. He is stellar at this, but you know that it is not the case. The more he seeks perfection, the more he is in a deeper hole than he lets on. It is scary to watch him spiral, because no one ever notices until it is too late and he has suddenly come up with a new jutsu and making everyone around him make a run for their money. He never asks for help, and when help is given to him, he refuses profusely and even makes it seem like it is your fault for making things worse. 

 On your better days, at least he lets you help by passing you the more menial side of his job. You do the bulk of them in your room, as you get distressed the moment you step out, but you get it done. You are occupied. 

 On some days, he hounds on you more to the point he has brought you to tears, or there are some days that he is withdrawn and you cannot get anything from him but he manages to claw his way out of whatever corner he is and be there for you. 

He seems keen on trying to be there, unwilling to leave you alone for a long time. His eyes are always on your every movement and you feel this pressure to suddenly be alright, though you fail at times when you get hit with intrusive thoughts and they take over your senses. He has done his best to remove the sources of your anxieties, though the bathroom cannot be physically removed. He did cover up the bathtub, and instead, brings a huge bucket you can use to wash yourself when you are able to. 

 He has replaced the servants, and they work behind the scenes and quietly so that they do not alarm you. 

 You have not talked with him properly, and you desperately want to, but there always seems to be tension between the two of you when it is not about just getting through the day. 

 You miss him, even if he is here for you more than he was when he became the Hokage. 

 You are sure that he does too, and you can glimpse it from his eyes, from the way they look so hurt whenever he addresses you. 

//

You learn of Kimiko being transferred into an underground cell that will keep her isolated from the rest of the village from the whispers of the servants. At first, you are not really sure what to make of it, you feel nothing towards it. Then, the anger comes. It washes over you, from your head, through your veins and out that when you come to, you are suddenly holding your sword that you now keep under the bed. 

 You brandish it out, and you stare at your decimated self on your blade. It feels like you are looking at a whole other person. 

 It is reckless. 

But at that moment you do not care. 

 Having a purpose brings back a breath of life in you, and you feel something blossoming inside your chest. You feel vindicated, and you draw strength from this. 

 Your hands shake, and your thoughts start to jumble and it is unable to pinpoint anything else because it zones into your new goal. If you can accomplish it then all these bad feelings will go away. 

 The thought repeats in your mind, over and over again. Obsessively. 

 They are talons, taking you by hostage and the next thing you know, you are running outside, jittery as you take to the rooftops, and scanning the ground to see if you can track them on the move. Everything is moving so fast, every movement becomes blurry to you. 

 The feeling is unbearable, but your feet get you there. The underground prison is hidden near the Hokage mountain, and it is also near Tobirama’s lab, which conveniently connects him underground to the Hokage office. 

 Tobirama is there, stoic shoulders and a hard expression on his face that will not betray him, even in under extreme duress. He senses you, because he always does and he turns to your direction. 

 You draw your sword, alarming the ANBU guards surrounding Tobirama. 

“What are you doing here?!” Tobirama barks in the voice that he uses as the Hokage. 

 You stride over, and you spot Kimiko behind the ANBU, in chains. 

Tobirama steps in front of you to block you from her. 

“Move,” you say, voice shaky and hoarse. 

 Tobirama steps closer to you, and he narrows his eyes fiercely. “Stop this.” 

Kimiko starts to laugh, and that snaps the last shred of your reason. 

 You wind your arm back, and you throw your blade hard towards Kimiko. It heads straight for her in a blink of an eye. 

 “No!” Tobirama bellows. 

An ANBU guard steps in the way, and your blade pierces through their left shoulder. It would have gone straight towards Kimiko’s heart, but the guard is taller and was caught by the torso, and in between their lower ribs.. 

 Blood sprays and the sight makes you pale. 

Your trembling hand comes up to cover your mouth in shock. 

 “Oh no,” you whisper. 

You just hurt someone by accident. 

 Tobirama scans the situation closely, and when he sees you step towards the guard that you injured, he grasps you by the shoulders and turns you around. 

 “Go,” he commands. “Go home.” 

 You look towards your husband in panic. “I...I didn’t–”

 “I said go home!” Tobirama snaps in a voice you have never heard him use for you. He uses his body to block the sight and he stares at you with a hard expression. 

Hot tears threaten to spill, but you turn your head away so that Tobirama does not see. You know what you did, but it is still hard to comprehend what you actually did. It feels like another person has hijacked your mind and made you do this, but you see with your eyes what your own hands have done. 

In a daze, you walk away, and you wander around the village, disoriented and feeling very numb and cold inside. 

//

Tobirama comes home late, expecting to find you there, but the house is dark. A cold feeling washes over him. This day has been very long and disturbing, and all he wants is to talk it out with you, even if it ends with a fight. He just wants you, but you are nowhere to be found. 

 Tobirama storms out of his house and into the Senju compound. He circles it, and he infuses his chakra at the same time to find you, but you are not here. You are heading towards the edge of the village, towards the forests and the training grounds. 

 He rushes to your direction without any thought or hesitation. 

He finds you staring towards the dark forest, a hand on a tree bark. 

 From this distance, you look like a ghost. 

 Tobirama cannot come closer. It is like there is a force field preventing him from walking towards you. His throat thickens with emotion, but he stays there, just to make sure you are alright. 

 “Are they...going to be all right?” You ask in a flat tone. 

 “Yes,” Tobirama replies honestly. “Though you missed their heart by a few centimeters.” 

You close your eyes, and press your hand against your forehead. “I never…”

 “Yes, you did. You had every intention of killing Kimiko,” Tobirama outrightly says. 

“Do not put words in my mouth,” you tell him. 

 “That is what I inferred from earlier,” Tobirama says, and you hear him step closer. “You were different. That was not you, and you need to manage your emotions or this will worsen. Almost killing someone by accident will just be the first one.” 

You turn towards Tobirama. “Isn’t that too easy for you to say?” 

 Tobirama is unexpectedly calm, but you can see from the moonlight’s wan silver shine on his face that he is hurt. “No, but it is the truth.” 

You press your lips together. You want to fight. You want to yell, and yet Tobirama, of all days he has chosen to not provoke you, is making it hard. You wish that the two of you can just scream this out, but it is difficult when Tobirama surprises you with a more empathic approach. 

“We both faced loss,” Tobirama tells you in an even voice. “But this is not the way to act.” 

 “I cannot act how you want me to.” 

 “Of course not.” Tobirama holds out his hand to you, his palm facing the night sky. “But you must allow me to act as your husband.” 

You stare at him, a little bewildered. Your heart swells, and finally, you let all the emotions that you have been keeping locked flow through your heart. 

 It hurts. It hurts so much. 

Instead of the numb feeling that fills you with emptiness, you feel every pinprick of your pain, your confusion, your loss. You let that night run over your whole body, but instead of turning it to anger, you feel something else. 

 A strength that you know you have always owned. 

 Acceptance. The ability to put one foot in front of the other. To try again.

  And the most important thing, forgiving yourself. 

Tobirama waits, his hand still outstretched. 

You look up to him, and you notice how beautiful he still is, even underneath all that anguish. You come to him, and you place your hand on top of his, and you hold on to him. 

 Like he wants you to. 

Tobirama lets out a sigh, and he pulls you closer to him. 

You let him, because you know you need him. You rest your head on his shoulder. 

“How do we do this?” You whisper. 

 Tobirama stares into the night, letting his mind carry him far away for a moment. There are not many instances where he feels helpless and so unknowable, but that is the limit of being human. 

 “I do not know,” he replies with candor. 

He puts a hand behind your neck, and he presses you closer to him, despite his body aching and crying to just let go of everything and to push you away. “But you have all the time you need to take. We do not have to do anything.” 

 “Okay,” you close your eyes as you feel his voice vibrate inside his chest. 

Tobirama glances down at his wife. You both share this sadness together, but you now have each other. Neither of you have to be alone. 

“Okay,” Tobirama reaffirms, and he lets out a sigh of relief when you slowly wind your arms around him to hold on to him. 

To be continued...

Chapter 10: Epilgoue - The World As He Fixed It >> 

[365days365movies]

January 27, 2021: The Raid: Redemption (2011)

So, uh...I’ve switched things up a touch. Originally, I was going to do Lindy West’s suggestion today, but...no. No, I need something good to pick me up from yesterday’s disappointment. So, we move from the United States to a country with far, FAR less movies: Indonesia.

The country of over 17,000 islands hasn’t exactly made a lot of films, but their film industry does exist. I might look more into these films someday, but the one film that EVERYBODY recommends is Gareth Evans’ The Raid: Redemption. And no, Gareth isn’t an INdonesian name; it’s a Welsh name for a Welsh director best known for his Indonesian films. Interesting, innit?

See, Evans was hired to direct a film about the Indonesian martial art type, pencak silat. One of the specialists he filmed was Iko Uwais, who was a deliveryman at the time. Together, the two made the movie Merantau in 2009, and it was a big success in Indonesia. So, the two reunited for another film.

And hopefully, that film will leave me more satisfied than The Expendables did. Shall we? SPOILERS AHEAD!!!

Recap

The day begins as a policeman, Rama (Iko Uwais), prays, spars aggressively with a training bag, and says goodbye to his pregnant wife (Fikha Effendi). His father (Henky Solaiman) is also there, and he promises to “get him back.” Don’t know who “him” is, so I’m intrigued.

In a truck, 20 SWAT agents, Rama included, are being briefed on an upcoming raid of a building that would appear to be a crime hotel run by drug lord Tama (Ray Sahetapy). While raids have been attempted before, none have been particularly successful. This time, however, they pledge to take down as many people as humanly possible, and clean up the city of Jakarta as a result.

The agents, led by Jaka (Joe Taslim) and Wayhu (Pierre Gruno), stand below the massive concrete apartment building, and creep their way into it. They split into two groups: one takes out a guard, and goes in through one entrance. The other encounters Gofar (Iang Darmawan), an innocent tenant with a sick wife upstairs. Hothead Bowo grabs and threatens him, before being told off by Rama.

Rama promises to get the man to his wife and apartment safely, and the group goes in. The raid’s begun as they begin arrests of everybody in the building, floor-by-floor. They make it to the sixth floor, where they encounter a child in a hallway. They fail to calm the child down, and he runs to warn a friend...and is then shot in the neck by Wahyu. This movie just killed a kid, guys. Holy shit. 

The second kid raises a building-wide alarm, and now EVERYBODY knows that the police are here, including Tama and his two lieutenants, Andi (Donny Alamsyah) and Mad Dog (Yahan Ruihan). And now, all hell breaks loose.

Tama’s reinforcements arrive, and take out the officers RUTHLESSLY. One guy single-handedly takes back the fifth floor, and the SWAT truck is shot up as well. Snipers take out officers on the outside and in windows. And as our remaining officers start to realize this, Tama makes an announcement over the comms, announcing both the SWAT team’s position and free rent in the apartment building for those who take them out. Yeah, they’re FUCKED.

What’s even worse is that nobody knows that this team is there, according to Wahyu, which means that there are no reinforcements coming. Also affirms my suspicions that Wahyu is a SHITTY cop, holy shit. And as I’m thinking that, with all of the men in a dark stairwell…

HOLY FUCK!!! Tama’s men above, SWAT below, trading gunfire and picking each other off like a close-up trench war! The only light during the fight is from their muzzle fire! This is...amazing, oh my God.

Tama and his guys are watching from cameras all the while, and Tama seems to know Wahyu, and how shitty a cop he is. He gives the order: wipe them out, and destroy any evidence they were here. Nobody will know. Nice one, Wahyu; nice one. The SWAT team narrowly escapes into a room, only to be greeted by gunfire from the outside. Trapped again, Rama comes up with a solution: get to the floor below by chopping through the floor with an axe! FUCK YES.

And the action doesn’t stop there! They get ambushed in that room, and use the axe to defend themselves, as well as fighting and guns. At one point, the criminals come in through the floor above, and a guy catches one in mid-fall, and THROWS HIM THROUGH A WINDOW WHAT

And then, AND FUCKING THEN, they put a tank of compressed flammable gas in an empty fridge, shove it against the door, throw a FUCKING GRENADE IN THERE, AND BLOW THE FRIDGE THROUGH THE GUYS ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE DOOR

WHOOOOOOOO I’M BACK BABY THIS FUCKIN’ RULES

Tama, frustrated at the damage and loss of his men, sends Andi and Mad Dog to take care of the situation. Meanwhile, a scarce handful of officers are left, including Rama, Bowo, Jaka, Wayhu, Dagu (Eka Rahmadia) (whom I haven’t yet had cause to mention), and about three more officers have survived.

Rama and Bowo make their way to the 7th floor, where Rama hopes to leave the badly injured Bowo with the tenant from earlier. Rama fights off, just...SO many gang members, allegedly pulling no punches (allegedly because he totally does, if you look at the fights), and eventually makes it to Gofar’s door. Despite his sick wife and reluctance to help, he agrees to take them in. Tama’s men barge in, looking for the men, who are hiding within a hidden wall compartment. And that’s when…

HOLY SHIT THAT WAS FUCKIN’ RAD AS HELL

But Andi, another of Tama’s men, is headed down to take care of this mess. On the elevator down, he TAKES OUT TWO OF HIS COLLEAGUES, WHAT?!? OK, some questions to resolve here, but I’m sure we’ll get to it. Rama leaves to find the others, and immediately gets into another fight. He throws a man down a staircase at one point.

Ow. OW. Just when he’s cornered by sword-boy and more goons, we get yet another Rama hallway fight, this one much more authentic-feeling, damn! And it ends with Rama tackling a dude out of a window, FALLING WITH HIM ONTO A FIRE ESCAPE, AND DIVING INTO ANOTHER APARTMENT LIKE A GODDAMN CHAMPION

And unlike other stereotypical action protagonists, he’s not exactly OK after all this. He stumbles about, hallucinates a little for good measure, and almost passes out until found by...someone he knows. The “him” from earlier perhaps? Iiiiiiinteresting.

Back to the other SWAT agents, finally! Holed up in an apartment, Wayhu writes off Rama and Bowo as dead. Jaka ain’t exactly happy about this comment, or with Wayhu. We now find out that this mission isn’t sanctioned by the police, hence no reinforcements. Additionally, Wayhu may not be on the up-and-up, as it’s implied that he may be a corrupt cop. Jaka, tired of his bullshit, gathers the men to go find their colleagues.

Not that that lasts very long, because Mad Dog ambushes them literally as soon as they open the door. Holding Jaka at gunpoint, he guides him back into the apartment, where the two fight. Oh, and this one’s GOOD. It’s REAL good, holy shit.

Cool as it is, though, it represents the end for Jaka, and Mad Dog snaps his neck, and he’s gone. Damn. HELL of a fight, though. Mad Dog’s doing well, but how about Andi?

Well, Andi’s the guy who took Rama, and yes, he’s the “him” that Rama mentioned to their father. That’s right, THEIR father, because Andi’s his brother. They bond and catch up, and while they do clearly love each other, they’re also estranged, due to their differing paths in life. But Rama signed up for this mission SPECIFICALLY to get Andi back home, to their father. Andi refuses, and tells Rama to leave before he gets killed. Rama also refuses, not wanting to abandon his colleagues to the gang. And so, they part ways.

We’re down to four now: Rama, Wayhu, Bowo, and Dagu. Rama proposes going for Tama, the location of whom the corrupt Wayhu already knows. Just like how Tama knows that Andi is a traitor, having saved Rama. Tama stabs Andi in the hand, and questions him on who Rama is, and the nature of their relationship. I’m sure it’ll end well for Andi.

Our three remaining non-injured cops take out a drug lab in the building, where we get some more good fight choreography, and the reason that Dagu is here: he’s a pretty goddamn good fighter. And I know I’m breaking records for the number of videos in this one, but their fights are...just stellar.

Afterwords, Rama finds his brother being used as a human punching bag by Mad Dog. See here’s the thing about Mad Dog; he’s a brawler at heart. While he might use guns to kill or threaten people if he has to, he prefers to use his hands and feet. And now...it’s two on one. This gon’ be güd.

Wayhu and Dagu, meanwhile, corner Tama in his office. Whew, finally, good guys prevail.

AWWWWWWW, DAGU! We hardly knew ye! Literally, I’m not sure you did literally anything the whole movie, except for fight that one time, like 6 minutes ago. Wayhu holds up Tama at gunpoint, ordering him to get them out of there safely.

The fight between Mad Dog and the brothers is still happening, by the way, and it’s still awesome...despite the terrible sound editing during these fights. Yeah, I’ll get there in the Epilogue. This fight, though, is crazy. It’s incredibly difficult to track who exactly has the upper hand throughout, but eventually, Mad Dog reveals that it’s him. He locks Rama in the same stranglehold that killed Jaka...and then...I’m putting this fight in video right here, because the ending is amazing. THE WHOLE FIGHT IS AMAZING

After that’s all said and done, the brothers escape, and encounter Wayhu and Tama. Wayhu fires upon the brothers, fully turned traitor at this point. Tama tells Wayhu that there isn’t much hope for him anyway, especially as the person who ordered Wayhu to take the hit already told Tama that the raid was going to happen. No, this was never about Tama; Wayhu was the target all along, as they sent him there to die.

Not that it matters, as he kills Tama regardless. Realizing that he doesn’t have much better luck outside of the building at this point, he tries to do the same to himself, only to finally be out of bullets. WHOOF.

It’s over. With Andi’s help, they get evidence against Tama and all of the corrupt cops that he dealt with, retrieve Bowo, and leave the building. Andi stays behind, once again stating that this is where he belongs. The brothers part ways once again.

And THAT...was The Raid: Redemption. GOD. DIGGITY. DAMN. EPILOGUE.

[alysmarylin]

The war is over, my love is not

The second part of a fic about Crowley and Aziraphale during World War II, the first part is here (sorry, don't know how to insert proper links):

In this fic Aziraphale and Crowley meet for the first time since 1941 among ruins of Berlin. I'm a Russian myself and I entertained a thought that Crowley made friends with Soviet soldiers.

Aziraphale could smell the scent of Death in the air. He'd been on Earth since the very beginning of time, and he'd seen just as many deaths as anyone could. But it was different there, in ruins of Berlin, where bodies piled up among rocks and metal and ragged cloth. He knew, reasonably, that if the world was about to end, he'd be notified. It wasn't a horseman on a paled mare whose name was Death, not yet - it was nothing but works of Man. And yet, if felt like the end of the world. He was an angel, but even he started to fear that God wasn't there anymore.

Aziraphale came there by the end of April, out of his own will, wishing to help as many souls reach Heaven as he could. He filled those dying of despair and dread with hope and forgiveness, he eased the pain of children he couldn't save, he gave heartbroken mothers' souls respite, he healed festered wounds of those whose flesh was torn apart and rotting.

He wished he could've ended it all, long before it came to that, but one angel couldn't stop the madness of a Mankind, and God... God was silent.

"Animals don't kill each other with clever machines, angel, only humans do that" - he heard Crowley's words inside his head. Oh, to think he believed the guilliotine was the worst they could do... Crowley always turned out to be right. Aziraphale would get angry at him, but in the end, he'd always be right. Last time he saw Crowley, in 1941, they both thought they've already seen butchery and unmatched atrocities. That was before Auschwitz. He wondered, what Crowley would've said about Auschwitz. He wondered where Crowley was.

"Maybe I should've told him".

He often wondered if it was his love for Crowley that kept him going for past 4 years. He'd seen a lot of things that made it hard to still love humanity, or trust God with his ineffable plan. But his will to see Crowley once again - to take him for a long walk or to a dinner out, or just to look at him from afar, made it all worth surviving. Even what he'd seen in Poland. One could never forget those kinds of things...

His eyes filled with tears, despite his best efforts. If only tears of angel could heal the humanity, or just one single human soul.

He walked further from the ruins towards the street, when he hears a sudden noise that broke the silence. Aziraphale stopped.

That was a tank driving down the street, men speaking and laughing in some foreign language. Russians? Might be. It was a time for their victory, after all. It was their time to celebrate and laugh, before they come back to their ravished homes to cry once again.

Suddenly, the tank stopped and one man took off and walked down the street. Other men waved him goodbye as they moved forward.

The man seemed healthy enough to walk, and as far as Aziraphale could see, there was no blood on his face or his clothes. He was dressed in grey or dusty black, and his clothes seemed ragged and dirty, but so was everything else - there was nothing but dirt and blood and ashes around them. The man was walking towards him. His face was covered in dirt as well. And then, as sun came out from the clouds and lighted the entire street, the man's hair shone with flaming red tounges of fire underneath all the filth that covered it.

"A redhead", Aziraphale thought. "It's well past time I stopped shivering at every readheaded man I see". But he couldn't help it. He couldn't take that picture out of his head. And then he heard man's voice.

- You really don't change, angel. All that wreckage around and you're all in white.

He didn't want to believe his ears or eyes. He had already been mistaken for a couple of times before, and that bitter realisation had always been way more painful than no hope at all.

But it was unmistakenly Crowley, thinner than ever, in ragged clothes, white teeth shining like angel's wing, as he was grinning mischovously. His red hair was a huge mess, he was covered in dust, but he still managed to wear dark glasses in all this poorest state of affaies.

- Show me your eyes. - Aziraphale mumbled. - I want to know I'm not hallucinating.

- They shouldn't be surprised to see snaky-eyed lad after what they've done themselves, angel. - Crowley took his glasses off, but then put them back within a moment. - But I still prefer my privacy.

- Oh, Crowley! - Aziraphale grabbed him in his arms, unable to hold tears anymore. - I'm so glad to see you. I've seen such horror, I've.... I've been here since April, and I was in Poland before that, and I almost lost my faith...

- Come on, don't be like that. - Crowley gently pushed him away. - I can't blame you for your tears, though. There were things that could make Satan himself tremble. But it's not demonic work, of that I can assure you.

- I know. Works of Man. Our Lord's most beloved creation. - Aziraphale was well past the point when he blamed Hell for human atrocities.

- Well, I guess it's almost over now. - Crowley gently put his arm on angel's shoulder. - I was planning to go home soon enough.

- Home?

- London, not Hell. You wanna go with me?

Aziraphale felt bad for feeling so much joy amidst such destruction, and yet he couldn't help but smile.

- I do. I haven't been there in a while. The place I lived in was destroyed. My bookshop, though - I hope it's alright.

- I'll have to find myself a new place. Maybe you could give me some advice, I haven't been to England since I left in 1941. I left my Bentley in Paris, in some reliable hands. Well, I hope they're reliable. I have to believe car's fine, or else I won't forgive myself.

- I bet there's not a scratch on it. - Aziraphale smiled. He told himself he'd use all his powers if something happened to Crowley's car. - We can drive home together, if you wish.

- I don't think it's safe, angel. We'd better meet in London. At least there IS London to meet in. - Crowley smiled.

They walked past ruins, as sun was setting down.

- Those soldiers, - Aziraphale asked - That dropped you off... You spoke their language? You speak Russian?

- Why act all surprised? - Crowley sounded a bit offended. - I speak a number of languages, I've been there for a while, you know. Not that I'm fluent or anything, but I made it clear I'm not a German, for a start.

- Have you been there? On Eastern front? - One thing Aziraphale knew of Eastern front, is that young boys came back all white-haired from there, if they were lucky, or unlucky enough to survive it.

- For a while. I've been to a number of places. Not that I want to recall it now, when all this is over.

They reached the crossroads, and Crowley stopped.

- You're here to help people find their final peace, aren't you? - Crowley asked.

- I am. And you? I wonder if Hell still has any work to do, given the...

- I'll just make sure right people will make it to Hell. - Crowley smirked. - That's about all I can do now.

- I hope I'll be back in London by September. If my bookshop is still there, I'll be waiting for you to come. If not...

- I'll find you anyway, mr. Fell. Such a neat surname you made yourself - Fell. But you didn't fall, it's me who fell, no? - Crowley asked teasingly.

- I was never as good as you at making up names, Anthony J. - Aziraphale replied - If you're so good at searching for people, then I'll see you soon.

- Bye, angel. See you.

Crowley turned around and started walking down the street, his tall figure looking completely black in setting sun. Before Aziraphale could make himself start walking away, Crowley suddenly turned around and shouted:

- I told you we'd win!

, before disappearing completely.

He was right, Aziraphale thought. The nightmare of war was almost over. He was daydreaming of them, meeting once again in London, when he saw a tank driving down the street in his direction.

"It way be foolish of me, but..."

He took a bunch of flowers from inside his jacket - a miracle too minor to be noted - and threw it to the soldiers sitting on the tank. He didn't understand what they said - unlike Crowley, he didn't know a word in Russian - but they smiled at him, and Aziraphale laughed himself, for the first time in 6 years.

[that-shamrock-vibe]

Movie Reviews: Star Wars: Episode IX - The Rise of Skywalker (Spoilers)

Spoiler Warning: I am posting this review a few days after the movie first drops in the U.K, so if you haven’t yet seen the movie don’t read on.

Fan-Service:

Alright so before jumping into the character analysis, which I probably should just do because I have a lot to say, I want to quickly talk about a major problem with this movie, and yes I will be saying that a lot, and that is the fan-service.

There is a heeping load of fan-service moments and things just thrown in to either make fans nostalgic of what has come before or just to say they did it and I at large am pissed off because every bit of fan-service here I personally did not ask for and nothing I wanted as a fan was there.

For instance, Lando. I love Lando and will talk about him in his own section further down but I did not see the point of him in this movie. Billy Dee Williams still looks good in the role, but the man did nothing to contribute to the progression of the movie or the mission other than go off and get reinforcements which anyone else already in this trilogy could have done, like Maz Kanata...what did she contribute also?

Also Ewoks, I’m sorry I know the last part of this movie was on Endor because said system is around the place the Death Star fell and Palpatine still resides, but my freakin’ god seeing a split second shot of two Ewoks, who again I loved in Episode VI, but also to get Warwick Davies back to play Wicket (I think that’s the same one anyway)...what was the freakin’ point?

My final rant point is on the quite blatant fan service of LGBT representation. This particular topic is personal to me as a gay man and someone whose academic venture over the last three years has been about LGBT representation.

When you have quite a clear fanbase or sub fandom that are screaming for certain shipping couples, but then refuse to deliiver on the gay male ship in favour of the predictable hetero ship, to the point where this movie gives both Finn and Poe female love interests and makes Finn look slightly like a tool for having two other love interests but still wanting Rey...all of this I can forgive because it is kind of like the “Stucky” ship in the MCU.

However, to then, out of nowhere, have a lesbian kiss between two Resistance members at the end of the film during celebrations, one of whom was apparently the harbinger of doom because she delivered all the bad news and the other was a pilot, who I know was also Rosa Parks in Doctor Who so happy she has a role like this, but again it just felt forced, out of nowhere, with characters no one cares about and honestly I would have been happier seeing Poe and Finn kiss.

Characters:

Rey:

As I said in my non-spoiler review, Rey truly comes into her own as a Jedi in this movie. I do think The Last Jedi only really serviced her and moved her piece forward on the development chessboard.

However, while it is great to see Leia mentoring Rey at the start of the movie and doing a serviceable job, the fact Luke is still mentoring her from beyond the grave and his teachings are being upheld and honoured by Rey is really great to see.

This does not however justify the end of this movie, which is where we begin with Rey’s character.

One of the biggest mysteries of this trilogy has been discovering who Rey is and where she fits in with Star Wars lore. We know that Finn was a Stormtrooper and Poe fulfills that Han Solo role, but while Rey fills the Jedi quota for the trilogy, fans have long-suspected that she is somehow related to either Luke, Leia, Han or even Obi-Wan Kenobi.

I don’t think anyone was expecting her to actually be revealed as the granddaughter of Emperor Palpatine...and to be honest I don’t think anyone actually wanted it.

It’s a losing battle comparing any movie to Avengers: Endgame, but during Avengers: Endgame when big character and plot moments hit, the audience erupted in either shock or cheers. I get the feeling that the reveal of Rey being a Palpatine was supposed to ignite that type of response. I had a moderately full audience and there was no reaction from them.

However, not only does this service Rey as a character for the second half of the movie because her character motivation is not only about battling her inner demons and heritage, but also discovering who she is in her own right...something she has been searching for since we first met the character on Jakku in The Force Awakens

This leads to the last scene of the movie which is a culmination of not just the last three movies but also her confrontation with Palpatine. On Tatooine just outside the Lars Homestead, Rey buries both Luke and Leia’s lightsabers. She then surprisingly pulls out her own lightsaber which happens to be yellow...or gold (if it’s meant to be grey or white the lighting did it no favours) and with her sidekick BB-8 heads off into the twin sunsets, but not before some random old woman asks who she is, she responds with “Rey” but when she asks “Rey who?” she looks to the left and sees the Force Ghosts of Luke and Leia and turns back to the woman answering with, “Rey Skywalker”.

This is what is meant by the title “The Rise of Skywalker” as the name will now live-on in Rey, who has adopted the name only. She is not actually a Skywalker and if you think about the fact Rey and Kylo kissed a few scenes prior to this, it is kind of disturbing that she sees both Luke as a father figure and Leia as a mother figure.

I am not happy with this development for two reasons 1) It’s a cheat, not only is it a cheat of promise in the title but it’s a cheat in practise because Rey wasn’t revealed to be a secret Skywalker she merely decided to use the name as a surname because I guess “Rey Palpatine” would not serve her well.

I also don’t like the idea of a surname being used as a mantle, we now have seen six “Skywalkers” either officially or unofficially so in the movie canon and out of the six, five either are or were Jedi or at least “ones with the force” because both Leia and Ben (Kylo Ren) have never been Jedi at least in the movies but while Ben was a Sith, Leia was an apprentice and both had access to the force.

Shmi I believe (Anakin’s mother) is the only named “Skywalker” to not have any attachment or affiliations with the force. Now I don’t know if Skywalker is her maiden name or married name but aside from her, as I said, everyone with the Skywalker bloodline has at least had a “force sense” so to make Rey the last of the Jedi, that we know of, and also now giving her the name of Skywalker just to honour Luke and Leia and not actually be related does seem a tad cheap to me.

It’s not like when Han and Leia named their son Ben after Ben Kenobi, Obi-Wan’s hermit name, because that was honouring a fallen friend. I get Rey officially has no living family, particularly after killing her grandfather, and choosing to adopt the Skywalker name is both a way for the name to live on in her and to honour both her mentors, but this is supposed to be the end of the Skywalker era and with Rey newly being a Skywalker at the end of the movie and also once again seemingly being on her own (with BB-8) on her adventures at the end it just seems like there is more to come from her and I really don’t think there should be.

I am not saying Daisy Ridley can never come back as Rey in any future Star Wars movies but I’m thinking more in a Harrison Ford/Billy Dee Williams way not a Mark Hamill/Carrie Fisher way, at least not for now.

Also, I mentioned in my non-spoiler that a lot was promised leading up to this movie and something the trailers teased heavily was “Dark Rey”. The two biggest theories surrounding this reveal of Rey as a Sith with collapsible double-edged red lightsaber were that 1) Rey would legitimately turn to the dark side and Ben Solo would be the one to bring her back to the light or that 2) The Dark Rey we saw would be some sort of vision, hallucination or dream akin to when Luke believed he was fighting Vader during his training with Yoda on Dagobah and in fact it was an illusion used as a metaphor for him fighting his inner darkness.

It turned out, of course, to be the latter theory but the movie at least had the reveal of Rey being a Palpatine to explain why the 30 second scene we see this vision in exists...no lie it’s about the same amount of time as Luke battled himself for in Episode V.

Basically when Rey was filled with rage over Kylo Ren while trying to save Chewie from being taken by the First/Final Order, she succumbed to her anger and rather than using the force in the traditional sense she was discovered to have the ability to produce force lightning, as only Sith Lords have been able to do.

While Dark Rey did look cool, I’m glad she wasn’t actually Rey and we actually had to spend a chunk of the movie with her as a Sith, particularly not with that lightsaber.

I’ll be talking about him again when I talk about Palpatine but the only master of the double-edged lightsaber for me is Darth Maul. That’s his thing in my opinion aside from his looks and he owns it.

On the positives of Rey, I do like the fact that they have set her up as the feminist hero in the same sense that Moana and Belle are feminist Disney princesses. I think obviously making Rey the focus of the trilogy meant that more young girls would look up to her as opposed to Leia or Padmé before her and so making her the strong and tenacious Jedi Knight that she is was one of the best things about this trilogy, when done right.

I did also like how she interacted with Finn and Poe, I’m not entirely sure why they have the type of banter they had due to the lack of the trio interacting in this trilogy but I enjoyed the sparring between Rey and Poe over the Falcon damage and BB-8 damage and even when it seemed Finn was about to profess his love for Rey before dying but then not dying and so going quiet about it and Rey effectively calling him out for it.

However, what did Rey wrong throughout this trilogy is just how easy everything seemed to come for her. As I said before she was often off on her own mission without Poe and Finn with only BB-8 and sometimes Chewie for company. The fact we never saw her properly train with a lightsaber or the force before being revealed as an expert with both still annoys me and here, the fact she goes to give up after Leia’s death but is stopped by Luke, a Force Ghost, who then reveals that she is in fact not stranded after burning her ship because Luke has his old X-Wing summoned from the depths of the sea was just stupid.

Also, where did Rey get her new lightsaber from? Because unless Leia left it for her or R2 created it for her we don’t know where it came from or why it is distinctly different to Luke and Leia’s.

Finn:

Finn I feel revealed himself as my favourite character of the new trilogy during this movie, meaning originating in this trilogy, because I haven’t really had one up until now due to the lack of any likeable development throughout.

However, John Boyega really does Finn justice here not only making the character more likeable but also giving him a potentially great character development arc that could see him come full circle from when we first met him during The Force Awakens.

The only problem is, from what we see, this story abruptly goes completely nowhere.

The development comes when the trio arrive on Kef Bir where the Death Star remains are and come across a tribe of freedom fighters led by Naomi Acke’s waste of a character Jannah.

It’s revealed that Jannah and her tribe were once in fact Stormtroopers but, like Finn, decided to rebel against their Sith overlords and vowed to aide the resistance to thwart them.

This could have been how Finn’s story ended had he made the decision to join the freedom fighters by the end of the movie, now granted with no Sith or First Order there’s no need for freedom fighters but just for Finn to have found his people and his place to belong would have been a fitting ending for him.

Also to any shippers out there hoping for a Finn/Poe romance, I think the writers made it quite clear in this movie that both guys have eyes for the ladies with Finn apparently interested in Rose, Rey and Jannah.

The Finn-Poe bromance is in full bloom here though, finally, and it is filled with both the banter that I so hate in laddish behaviour but still enjoy here and also the fact that they can both be real with each other even when it’s something the other may not want to hear.

I am annoyed they never really wrapped anything up for Finn, aside from him finding his tribe but not actually sticking with them. The movie kept throwing out curve balls to do with his story and character but never had them either caught or thrown back, so his story is still all over the place.

Would I want to see John Boyega return? I guess yes if he does return with Jannah and maybe even Lando, I have a theory on where that will go, because at least it is a newer direction for the character.

Kylo Ren:

I never liked Kylo Ren or Adam Driver, I have never really seen the appeal in either of them and believe Kylo is simply Darth Vader-lite. I’ve always hated that mask and even now it has notable cracks I still don’t like it. I just feel as though the mask was always Vader’s thing and Kylo’s is the fact that he has that lightsaber sword.

That being said, once again the most notable plot point in this movie is the relationship between Kylo and Rey. The chemistry is quite easily there, I do see these two as a couple in another reality and Daisy Ridley and Adam Driver do sell that rather well.

I did come to enjoy their shared force communication in this movie particularly as it was noted to have some interesting side-effects, most notably the ability to take something from the other’s location. I audibally gasped when Kylo snatched that necklace from Rey and that’s how he knew where she was, similarly how when Rey accidentally destroyed that plinth with Vader’s helmet on and it fell at Kylo’s feet he knew she was in his quarters.

My favourite example of this go was at the very end when Rey was facing off against Palpatine and Ben (Kylo reformed) was facing off against the Knights of Ren and Rey was able to psychically transport her lightsaber to him. I can’t remember if it was Luke or Leia’s she gave to him but I do hope it was Leia’s because him fighting with his mother’s lightsaber would have been so awesome.

Speaking of his reform, I found that to be the sloppiest moment in the movie. I really did not understand the quickness in which he went from wanting to turn Rey to the dark side to denouncing the Sith altogether. Now yes, your mother dying is going to be a turmoil for any individual and seeing the ghost of your father, because yes Han Solo returns in this movie, is going to throw you...but there was no real internal struggle and it just seemed again very rushed and the almost as if the writers were saying “Well the audience know this is where we were always going to take the character so there’s no need for the internal struggle to be shown”.

Also, I understand that he didn’t exactly have time for a costume change and merely took off his Kylo Ren armour, but then he merely looked like he was wearing pyjamas in that final battle. I wasn’t expecting an Elsa level transformation or anything but something a bit more...more.

Then when it did come to Ben joining Rey in battling Palpatine and Palpatine, quite strategically in my opinion, sent him flying down that pit, the fact that he anticlimactically climbed up the pit I originally thought was the movie saying “See a Skywalker rose” similarly to how The Dark Knight Rises had Batman climbing up that cliff-face. But no, apparently the “Rise of Skywalker” was nothing to do with an actual Skywalker.

The most confusing part of this movie though is what exactly happened at the very end of the movie when Ben died and Leia faded away at the same time. Leia’s “last great act” was to stop Ben from battling Rey, this seemingly caused her to die. However, when Ben died, Leia faded. So are we presuming that somehow Leia enthralled her son to be good? If so, was his redemption a fake? Also if so, did Rey technically kiss Leia not Ben?

Yes, this kiss was the biggest anti-climax in the entire trilogy. Everyone has been pushing for a “Reylo” coupling and it finally happens only for Ben to die immediately after, it was pure and simple fan service.

Poe Dameron:

I have never really cared for Poe, nothing particularly against him or Oscar Isaac but I just felt as if the character was always trying too hard to be Han Solo and failing every time.

This movie not only emphasised how much of a waste Poe had been, but also why you should always be careful what you wish for because it may happen and it may transpire that you are not as attuned to it as you thought you were.

I am talking about Poe now being the General of the Resistance after Leia’s death and effectively leading the Resistance to their doom. I remember when Han was made a general during Return of the Jedi and while he was also slightly incompetent he at least learned from mistakes whereas Poe...got so many people killed he should have been court-marshalled.

Every action he made in this movie seemed to be wrong and he was continuously pulled up on it by everyone, Finn, Rey, Chewie, even 3PO. I quite liked the concept of doing that lightspeed jumping that apparently you’re not supposed to do because it reminded me of Guardians 2, but they weren’t supposed to do it there either and that wasn’t at the consequence of damaging the Millennium Falcon!

Also, they made a blatant reference that Poe had a previous lover in Kari Mitchell’s character, but the only problem with this is we’ve never heard anything about Poe’s history prior to the events of this trilogy so we are supposed to care about it now? When the trilogy is about to end?

Had we heard from episode 1 about hints of Poe’s history and maybe a lost or abandoned lover then seeing their reunion here may have held some weight...but with what we got it didn’t work.

I don’t even know where we left Poe aside from obviously being a war hero for being the leader of the Resistance. But unlike Rey who has gone off to do her own thing and Finn who has the potential to be going off with Jannah and her tribe, Poe doesn’t really have a place.

Even BB-8, who seems to be Poe’s main concern throughout this movie, goes off with Rey, so where does that leave him?

General Leia:

As I said in my non-spoiler review, it is such a shame that this is the lasting impression fans will have of General Leia. I am not saying they should have altered Episode VIII to include Leia’s death but there was something so disjointed about her involvement in this movie.

That being said, I did enjoy some of her lines to Rey at the start of the movie and they did try very hard to make it flow with the story despite clearly being lines meant for another situation. I liked all her pearls of wisdom to her about trusting droids and being comfortable with who you are.

However, this movie’s greatest insult is definitely showing a flashback to Luke and Leia training as Luke was clearly Leia’s Jedi Master at some point after Episode VI.

Now yes, we were shown a de-aged Luke and Leia so they looked slightly like how they did during Episode VI, and it was dark enough a setting that they didn’t look as bad as Leia did at the end of Rogue One, but that one scene sparks a great controversy with this whole trilogy.

Why the heck haven’t we ever had a follow-up movie to Episode VI that simply focuses on Luke, Leia and Han? A movie that shows Leia being trained as a Jedi would have not only satisfied a lot of movie-centric fans curiosities but also would have set up this trilogy slightly better with maybe showing Leia pregnant with Ben and why Luke chose to isolate himself, why Leia and Han’s marriage broke down. Something just to give fans of the original trilogy closure and then introduce these new characters rather than having the original trilogy and new trilogy all try to co-exist and wrap up at the same time.

Also, I swear in this one scene we saw Luke’s lightsaber was green so why were both his and Leia’s lightsabers blue when Rey had them?

Then also with her actual death, as I said with Kylo felt rather anti-climactic and weird. I understand fully that Carrie Fisher’s passing was a complete shock for everyone and so they had to work with what they had, but not only does it simply feel like Leia getting into bed and then death, you have Maz expositioning it before it happens...is that why Maz is back? To be the exposition of the movie?

Again I love Lupita and understand why she was cast in Episode VII because she was the hot ticket to have back then, but she doesn’t do anything in these movies.

I did appreciate her line of “Goodbye princess”, that did spark some emotion that wasn’t annoyance or rage and was sadness for both Leia and Carrie Fisher so the movie got me there.

Lando Calrissian:

Billy Dee Williams as Lando was one of my favourite things about the original trilogy. I loved how similar he was to Han but while Harrison Ford had an almost smouldering rogue quality about him, Lando was suave and cool with this real jazzy vibe about him.

Even seeing him back it was a bright spot in this movie, however, I don’t think he was utilised as well as he could have been. After Leia died and Poe was gathering the Resistance for a mission debrief, Lando looked like that old war veteran that was simply there to lend advice, when in actuality he was the one with the most experience, who fought the Empire once before and won so why wasn’t he saying what was what?

Then at the very end when everyone is celebrating the victory, Lando randomly comes across Jannah who asks where he’s from and he responds “Gold System” while she responds with not knowing where she is from and so he says “Let’s find out”. I don’t know if they’re trying to go down the route that Lando is Jannah’s father maybe but they are definitely pushing for either a spin-off or some form of continuation to this particular story.

Now again, I liked Jannah here, and feel a movie focusing on Lando, Jannah and even Finn would work. But it was so randomly placed at the very end of the movie that it just seemed like the writers had no idea what to do with either character.

Also I did not like the fact Lando never had a scene with Leia in the movie, just simply one scene where the two reminisce about old times or talk about Han would have been good but instead we had another Star Wars alum return and not interact with anyone else from the alumni cast.

The Resistance:

I mentioned the Resistance a bit with most characters but here is my problem with them as an organization, they are not organised! The Resistance was formed in Episode IV to thwart the Empire, they destroyed two Death Stars and seemingly saw the death of the Emperor...when in actuality the Emperor survived and simply rebranded the Empire into the First Order so they failed on their main mission.

Then for the last three movies what exactly have they achieved? Because I cannot point out one successful thing this organisation has managed to achieve on their own. Rey was the one to kill the Emperor which saw the end of the First/Final Order, all the Resistance did was provide cannon fodder.

Also, when Lando finally arrived with the cavelry, I don’t know if they were trying to imply that some of the voices you heard were cameos from the shows but again, I don’t watch the shows. I know I saw both John Williams and Lin Minuel Miranda in cameo roles during the big air battle which I felt were both good and bad elements because they were so random but all in all, I have never been a fan of the Resistance.

Also Greg Grunberg, I like the actor, I liked him on Heroes, I know he is friends with JJ Abrams...but there is doing your friend a solid, and then there is making your movie more pointless then it needs to be. He was unnecessary and I’m glad he died.

Villains:

Okay so I have labelled this section “Villains” because I don’t think even they know what they’re calling themselves anymore. They were originally the First Order, then they changed their name to the Final Order, this got laughs from my audience because it was so stupid. Then Palpatine tried creating his new Empire which lasted all of 5 minutes...there was no order to this First, Final or Any Order.

As for Palpatine himself, his return was very abrupt as it was right at the start of the movie. I did enjoy the atmosphere they set up around the villain with the lightning and the desolate wasteland but what was with that fecking crane? I get he has no legs but the result was him looking more like a Dementor than the all-powerful formidable Emperor Palpatine.

Also, he mentioned how “The dark side of the force grants powers unthinkable”...which still doesn’t explain how he is still alive or reborn after being thrown down that tunnel in Episode VI.

Again, the reveal of him having Rey as a granddaughter came out of nowhere because we never knew Palpatine had a family, despite the fact Palpatine is one of few characters we have seen throughout the first two trilogies.

I did appreciate them establishing Ben and Rey’s bond as a type off life force energy which Palpatine utilised to rejuvenate himself. Although why he didn’t rejuvinate himself back to human form rather than the wrinkled old man is beyond me.

In regards to the First Order, the reveal that General Hux was in fact a spy giving secrets to the Resistance was again laughable, just him revealing “I’m the spy!” was enough to make me laugh.

Again Domnhall Gleeson is a good actor but this role has been so extreme and overdramatic that it has become a cartoon rather than a legitimate threat.

As for Richard E. Grant, people are really quick to insult Idris Elba for Cats but I think the actor who needs a word with his agent is Richard because, as much as he loves this franchise, he wasn’t quite enthralled in the world and rather seemingly playing the part of someone who is lucky enough to be on the movie.

My final point is on the fact that Palpatine claimed he is the culmination of all the Sith, meaning he has all the souls of all the past Sith in him. This is quite reminiscent to me of the Dark Swan arc in Once Upon a Time where Emma, and later Hook, became the Dark One and was able to summon all the past Dark Ones.

However, unlike Rey who was able to hear the voices of all the past Jedi, we only heard two past Sith Lords voices in Vader and Snoke. I know it wouldn’t be right to provide new voice clips for most of them because Christopher Lee, who portrayed Dooku, is sadly dead, but just to hear Darth Maul, Dooku and even General Grievous along with Vader and Snoke would have been a nice touch.

Meanwhile on the Jedi side you apparently had the voices of Qui-Gon Jinn, Obi-Wan both young and old, Mace Windu, Luke Skywalker, Yoda...and then you have a bunch of others who I don’t know because I don’t watch Clone Wars or Rebels so I didn’t recognise any of them.

Future:

Alright so where does the future of this franchise leave us...well we know that Disney+ is currently making waves with The Mandalorian and will soon to be hopefully making more waves with the Cassian Andor and Obi-Wan Kenobi shows, however in terms of movies I am not sure where they go from here.

I do feel the most logical step is to focus on rebuilding during the hiatus and then coming back stronger.

Overall I rate the movie a 5/10, this movie was a complete hot mess. There were no solid great moments and aside from some great lightsaber battles between Reylo as well as some okay space battles towards the end of the movie, but the story was practically non-existence and there was no finality that the end of an era requires.

So that’s my spoiler review for Star Wars: Episode IX - The Rise of Skywalker, what did you guys think? Post your comments and check out more Movie Reviews as well as other posts.

[spacedimentio]

Save the Light Impressions

I recently became interested in what Hessonite’s deal was and since it’ll be a long time before I’ll be able to get the game, I decided to just watch a cutscene compilation (this one, if it matters: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jy5tOb3gzLY). Dunno why I’m taking down all my reactions, just cause it’s fun I guess. Enjoy

RIP Car Wash

What even is the prism? It's not a gem, right? But it's clearly got conscious thought, even Hessonite talks to it like a person

haha Greg called her a glittery space lady, accurate

it's a little OOC that Greg wanted to come along. at least he's having fun tho. aww, steven's so proud of him :D

actually, what's Hessonite even doing. Why didn't she fuck off back to space once she found the prism

yeah that's totally not a triforce with six arms or anything. it's not the diamond authority symbol either i don't think, the triangles in that all meet in the middle

Mayor of Bummertown

I would have named the boss Dave, zero hesitation

"Our prism is in another castle!" i love you steb

oh no, bad memory time at Bismuth's forge :( I hope she'll be playable in the next one (i would scream forever if there was a playable diamond)

did Steven really just answer the phone with Myello? Oh IT'S PERI. Aaaand we're learning about RPG mechanics. Meta.

frozen donuts are a thing?! :o

it's her. the square. she seems to be almost identical to how our peridot used to be, so i wonder what the difference in personality is. Aside from her favorite insult being pebble instead of clod

ah yes, ye old tennis match

man i love that you can form fusions in this game

oh lord, i don't wanna imagine what chaos would happen with two peridots. also Greg is taking ice damage during the cutscene, help him

oh no, they're meeting. of course the first thing Squaridot says is "WHY ARE YOU NAKED" (and they obvs flipped her sprite cause the gem's her other eye now)

hey look, new insults for my list of gem related curse words

weird, angry mirror indeed. imagine what they could do if they were friends!

oh RIP. why do you get to choose who murders Squaridot. I hope for more multi-peridot action in the future

wait, what machine did you rip that off of and when

i already knew Peri was playable but it's still cool. i love how she flutters her feet when she jumps! i wonder who the DLC character is going to be (lapis, probably. Bismuth would be metal, though)

"Clod-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named" oh my god i love you

"Whatchu talkin' bout Peri" the best, they're the best

Oh so wow, Hessonite is THE Hessonite, huh. Real famous. If she came out as a Crystal Gem, it would sure cause a stir

Yeah I was also wondering why she's sticking around instead of just leaving? and she is kind of leaving her troops scattered all over the place with no rhyme or reason

these are great names. The Great and Terrible Spikey McSpikeball! of course the guy playing picked the most boring one

i love how Peridot just fucking yeets her tablet to attack

sugilite tiny!

you know, i was gonna get this game anyway at some point, but it's nice to know that it's the kind of rpg i like, one where you can participate in the attacking and blocking process.

how dare you switch out peridot for pearl. you know what, next game i hope you can be everyone all the time cause there's too many good characters to pick from

whatchu doing up here pizza lady

yeah they just...all ran right in front of her directly in her line of vision and she didn't see them somehow

oh the prism is resisting. it really took Steven's words to heart last game

Hess my dear, is this prism your only friend (oh my god that's totally it isn't it)

is the wiki sure she can't teleport cause holy fuck is she fast

"Gugh, Peridot, this is just like when we tried to hunt you down. But worse...cause, y'know, she's actually threatening." rude

huh. i don't remember the pyramid temple blowing up and leaving debris, i thought the whole thing disintegrated cause it was a construct of the gem it was housing. looking at screenshots of Serious Steven it definitely did explode

are they really trying to tell me there was a pyramid under the pyramid and no one noticed

call it the Spooky Basement! call it the Spooky Basement! you disappoint me, player, although Secret Temple of Secrets isn't so bad

*steven rolls cheerfully through a skeleton and then everyone jumps down a big hole* um

yo there's a mural of Rose fighting some light warriors! that's rad as shit!

*gets to the hallway with the torches that turn on as you go by* gee i sure wish i could watch this with sound, but alas i am recovering from ear fatigue and it would be a bad idea.

oh my god he reset her preferences no wonder she's pissed XD

HOLY FUCKING CHRIST RIP AMETHYST AND PERIDOT GODDAMN AND GARNET TOO PIZZA LADY STRONK

wow she really is a genuine threat, she forced Rose and Pearl to give ground back in the day

oh no you did not just say that Pearl should come with you. fuck her up, P!

also i just realized that she is really tall. like 10 feet tall at least

aw no fair you can't just flashbang them all you dink

oh it's sapphire. wait has connie even met ruby and sapphire in the show? did we not get to see it?!

where the fuck even are you guys, i could swear that connie and greg fell off the platform into the abyss

wait, they don't have new forms, did they even regenerate? i don't think connie was out cold for that long. did they even poof? i saw colored clouds of dust but no gemstones. i mean, i know this is a game and all but it's also canon so ???

and peridot is breaking the fourth wall by commenting how you can't force her to sit at home at the moment

ancient thingamajig. wow is thingamajig a real word, my spellcheck is not yelling at me about it

yeah connie! kick her ass for me!

since when are gems into riddles. i wonder if anyone has made much headway into translating the written gem language yet, last i heard they hadn't made much progress. apparently only Steven Sugar knows what all the symbols mean

wait steven was watching connie and greg's parties running around that whole time? i guess even the game never leaves steven's POV. where even is he, in the prism realm? oh, the place was turning pink for a minute until he went towards the sparkly thing

steven is always accessing memories isn't he. at least these aren't his mom's this time

you might be getting sick of her steve but i'm sure not!

from far away it really looks like she's chillin' with a martini glass and i was about to scream

corruption beam :(

was he just like passed out on the floor somewhere hallucinating

aww, he picks up the light steven exp by hugging it :o

"Just feeling a little...light headed." i...puns?

the Light Warrior is the final boss of the first game right? ...i should have probably watched a video about that one first

oh i just had a thought! if they make a third one then we get to have Rainbow 2.0 and Sunstone and Obsidian in it! :D

woah, trippy. tbh steven's connection to the prism is kind of strange. i wanna know exactly where that thing came from and why it's so deeply connected to him now. did Hessonite have visions like this when it was hers?

yeah that's... if a place is connected by warp pad, wouldn't it be easy to find by just warping randomly? unless separate warp networks are a thing but still, you'd just have to sneak onto a CG warp pad and go. ....how do warps even work, they can go through roofs and stuff and there's like this whole other dimension with all the warps like stars in the background and ???

how does the forge even do an upgrade with no Bismuth. maybe i should stop trying to fit this into canon details

what makes you think Hessonite could see you? is this some Voldemort Harry Potter connection shit. is that actually how she found the forge, this game ain't explain much

oh that's...that's a big oof. bismuth was working on a huge-ass statue of Rose before they got into their argument

"i saw her again" what no you didn't, that was just a white screen with a text box

"Beats me how any of this whacky prism stuff works!" ...i feel called out

why does that bigger spaceship look like a funky piece of headwear to me

well, at least it's closer than the moon

oh what, Lion didn't come with you? didn't you need multiple roar warps to get to space last time, just above the earth still seems kind of far, also how did he know the coordinates of the ship, he could have easily sent them all into the void

?! and then he's there?!? already asleep? how???????

aww what you're going to tease me with a citrine guard but not let me see her?

freaky. strangely organic looking technology is nothing new but i don't think i've seen stuff oozing through it before

"Look at you, acting as though you have the moral high ground!" *shakes fist angrily* She's like Emerald, but better! I can't

i guess he did kind of steal it, but it was more like finders keepers really

whuh has the prism always been able to talk?

"a Prism" oh no are there more? probably

woah that's a big boy. What the heck does Spectral Conclusion mean. and the prism is inside it instead of it being a separate creation, interesting

aww, it's looking at itself in confusion. Steven reaches out to it with his words, as he does

the prism isn't really...doing a lot of attacking (cause the player is picking the right choices probably). oh nevermind, it has a hugely damaging rainbow cannon

/r/murderedbywords, except in a good way

"Destroy Steven!" huh since when does she know his name? she could have gotten it from several places, really

oh oh oh! it's pizza time! standing in the middle of them is probably not the best idea, but look at her, she's exuding confidence!

wait wait wait, when the player used a healing move, did i just see an option to heal the prism? or at least, it's health bar showed up. is it gonna help later?

can i have like, a full sprite sheet for Hessonite please and thanks

if this was in the show, steven would be dead from that hit

aaand Steven did two points of damage with his shield bash, she ain't even flinch

pearl what are you doing

wow, she also only did a few points of damage

is Hess like, super tough. i love how much of a threat she is, cause most Homeworld gems we've seen aren't all that scary

oh! oh! you can heal the prism! that's probably how you damage her cause you'd be here forever chipping away otherwise

HOLY FUCK, SHE JUST DID 270 POINTS OF DAMAGE, THAT'S LITERALLY ALL OF SUGILITE'S HEALTH. I know the wiki says that attack does massive damage but jeezus!

so far the prism hasn't done anything, they're just chipping away at her slowly

oh, so gems do poof in this game. i guess we're just ignoring new forms because it wouldn't make sense in the timeline if we didn't

huh, does pearl inflict burns in this game? oh and she shoots fireballs, guess that answers my question.

it's kind of sad that the status is doing more damage than everyone else combined

whuh, she just attacked the prism! RUDE.

stop beating up the prism you degenerate! i guess i shouldn't be shocked

hey, Garnet and Amethyst are alive again. ah finally, some damage now that Garnet's lowered her defense

A-Amethyst, you're facing the wrong way. i wish Hess had targeted her with her big attack, then i could have made an "oh no she has airpods in" joke

oh, but the player formed Smoky, so she's not even aiming at anyone in particular anymore lol. she went for Pearl tho, fuckin' eviscerated

is this battle normally this long, it's been almost 10 minutes

this battle would probably be much harder if she didn't waste her turn being a bitch and attacking the prism. gee, and you wonder why it doesn't want to listen to you after encountering steven's kindness. i wonder...what would happen if you let the prism's HP get to zero? it would take a long ass time but...now i really wanna know but i doubt there’s any videos about it!

garnet's rocket fist did damage to the prism cause Hess is standing next to it. c-can you attack the prism, is that how you get the bad ending??

man, they haven't even had to heal because she's just beaten up on that poor thing for the past 10 turns. i mean, really, she could easily murder all of them in a heartbeat if she wanted

ok finally, she is defeato. I'd feel more sad for you if you didn't abuse your subordinates (definitely has detracted from my liking of her, i won't be too hard on her for it though because Homeworld is bad like that and she doesn't know better). at least you’re good at eating your humble pie without complaint

oh, i guess you get to choose your ending? it's kind of weird that it's not like, influenced by your game choices. cause technically like this it's your choice, not the prism's choice. so what was with the prism having health then. was it just to show how awful Hessonite is to it?

also, i can't look at light Steven without thinking of Pink!Steven and hhhhh

"You're a wise creature, aren't you?" Yes, yes he is *nods sagely* I hope you come back someday to learn more from him

You're pretty adaptive, huh Hess? of course, if you've been having these thoughts and feelings for thousands of years you're probably not too shaken up by the realization that they're true. That’s actually pretty great of you to want to figure yourself out.

ha, so Garnet didn't let her leave like the wiki made it sound like, she just yeeted away, and good luck catching anyone who can move at 5 million miles per hour

the gems are running in place in the next scene and Amethyst is backwards again. connie is also facing the wrong way. ...this game's a bit jank, isn't it :P not that i mind, a little jank is fun!

Peridot breaking the fourth wall with her Are Pee Gee again. I wonder which one it is. Golf Quest Mini?

do you get anything for 100 percenting this? oh, i guess there's achievements. no bonus content tho?

Lapis: I think I could use a break.

i for one would like to know what book the prism was reading. also, it's back to not talking again.

AWW YIS! We goin' out for pizza tonight bois!

The gems finally get to stop running in place in the corner

aaww, it's a beach scene reminiscent of the opening. kind of weird that greg is the only one animated but still cute

also someone's last name is Gooch and i feel bad for them

alright now to google Hessonite's VO... Christine Baranski. Are-Are we just hiring broadway singers for everyone now? not only would I die if Hessonite made an appearance in season 6, my soul would reach the farthest realms of space if she sang a song on top of that.

well, that's a wrap! time to jot down all of Hess's dialogue for later reference! It’s a crime that there’s so few fanfics about her, she actually has a lot of potential!

[a-heavenly-soldier]

[Verses]

Between Reality And Madness | Castiel Roleplay Verse

Name: Patient Jimmy (Castiel) Novak

Species: Former Angel/Human (Angel in a few cases)

Plot: Castiel never recovered after taking Sam’s wounds from the cage. He never helped the boys beat Dick. He stayed in the psych ward, and after Meg died, he ripped his own grace, and turned into human, causing to himself more damage. That made him more dangerous for himself and everyone else and easier to manipulate. He keeps hallucinating about the boys, and how much they hate him, along with Dick Roman and the Leviathans. He attempted to suicide multiple times, but he was prevented every single time.

Best Roleplay Partners: Meg Masters, Sam Winchester, Dean Winchester

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Fallen and Broken | Castiel Roleplay Verse

Name: Castiel Winchester

Species: Former Angel/Human

Plot: Castiel felt that his grace started draining. He couldn’t find out why and he couldn’t find a way to stop it. When he was completely human anymore, he read in a book about Seraphims. It was written that the fallen one, would be a part of humanity and his grace would turn into a soul, because he reached the point of having human feelings as an angel. But what Castiel didn’t know was that Sam’s wounds from the cage would return because he didn’t have his grace to filter them anymore.

Best Roleplay Partners: Sam Winchester, Dean Winchester

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Omega!Castiel | Castiel Roleplay Verses

Name: Castiel (Cas) Novak

Species: Human Omega

Plot: Castiel was gone for years, captured in Heaven. When he returned to earth, all he could feel at start was confusion and pain. But as long as he waited for help, that much a beautiful sense grew stronger. Castiel couldn’t understand why he suddenly felt that warm and safe, but in the presence of the man, he could realize immediately that he was an Omega, and his friend was his Alpha.

Best Roleplay Partners: Alpha!Dean Winchester, Alpha!Sam Winchester.

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Enslaved and Terrified | Castiel Roleplay Verse

Name: Castiel Novak

Species: Human

Seasons: After Season 7

Family: Sam Winchester, Dean Winchester

“I don’t remember what was like to be me… I don’t remember being happy… I don’t remember anything else than… That I should obey my commander or he… He will hurt my family… And… He will tear me to pieces… Please… Stop it… I don’t want to feel anymore… The pain, the terror… His smile, Naomi… Please stop it… I don’t know what’s real anymore… I am not okay…”

Supernatural Verse: After Raphael returned from his fake death, he dragged Castiel back to heaven to punish him for his crimes with the Leviathans. Years passed on earth when Castiel returned in a horrible and beaten up state, terrified. His punishment in Heaven required being Raphael’s personal slave. His pet. That broke him totally and after Raphael decided to let him go under his control, Castiel is back to earth, graceless, having totally forgotten how to be himself anymore or how to think the way he used to. It would take him long to recover after what he did in heaven in order to protect the boys.

Trigger Warnings: Depression, Anxiety, Attempt to Suicide, PTSD, Seizures, Mental illness, Schizophrenia

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Losing Light - Blind!Castiel | Castiel Roleplay Verse

Name: Castiel Novak

Species: Former Angel/Human

Family: Dean Winchester, Sam Winchester, Gabriel, Jack

Seasons: Probably After 9

“I have been here for very long time… And suddenly… I can’t see all these miracles my father created… My whole life I was observing human’s incredible nature and now I have to accept that I won’t be able to see anything ever again? How can you say that I will get used to it? Would you?”

Supernatural Verse: Castiel, long human now, have been to a hunt with Sam and Dean. They had to go after an angel that was selling souls in hell, by stealing them from heaven. As they got him and Castiel tried to attack him, the angel, out of self-defense, lit his grace, and filled the whole room with light, blinding Castiel that was next to him. Castiel, fell to the floor as the angel disappeared, confused, with his eyes turned to white, and bleeding.

Trigger Warning: Depression, Anxiety, Panic Attacks

———

AU Verse: After a car accident, Castiel was carried to a hospital. His doctor called Naomi Sheppard failed to diagnose the real problem, and his brain surgery failed. Castiel woke up, unable to see anything. They informed him that there has been a mistake and that he wouldn’t be able to see ever again. Castiel felt like he had lost his freedom. He wouldn’t be independent anymore, and he didn’t know if he had anyone to take care of him. His older brother, his high school friends? He just knew that life would be much more difficult now and he had to move on or stay back and die.

Trigger Warnings: Depression, Anxiety, Panic Attacks, Seizures

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Breath Of Life | Castiel Roleplay Verse

Name: Patient James (Castiel) Novak

Species: Former Angel/Human

Seasons: Probably season 9

Family: Dean Winchester, Sam Winchester, Jack Kline, Bobby Singer, Gabriel, Charlie Bradbury, Mary Winchester, Claire Novak, Crowley.

“I wanted you all to know that… When I do picture myself happy… It’s with all of you. Right here. Not heaven, not anywhere. You are my home. And I don’t care how much time I have left. I love you.”

Supernatural Verse: Castiel’s grace faded and the angel had turned to a complete human. Months of training and hunting, Castiel was used to the hunter’s life, and living with Sam and Dean. Things were getting better for him, until he started feeling weaker as weeks passed. He started skipping meals, feeling sick, but everyone ignored the signs until the once soldier passed out during a vampire hunt. After being carried to the nearest hospital, the doctor told the boys that the patient James Novak was diagnosed as HIV positive years before Cas had possessed him and that Castiel was suffering from AIDS at the moment. The doctors gave him four months of life, until Cas’s system would totally break down.

Trigger warnings: Serious Illness, Depression

———

AU Verse: Castiel was coming from a small town. He had never met his parents and he was living with his alcoholic uncle since he was six years old. After leaving his home -mentally and physically abused for years- when he turned to sixteen he tried to be independent and started working as a barman to the city of Seattle. He made friendships with people with the same family background as him, and started trying their habits which included lots of alcohol and drugs. In a really young age he was diagnosed as HIV positive suffering from AIDS. All the support he had from his once ‘friends’ was gone and soon Castiel appreciated his life and the people that really cared for him.

Trigger Warnings: Flashback of Mental and Physical Abuse, Drug Usage, Suffering from Serious Illness, Depression, Suicidal thoughts and attempts in Cas’s childhood

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Little Trouble | Deaged Castiel | Castiel Roleplay Verse

Name: Castiel Novak

Age: 2-3 years old

Species: Fledging-Former Angel/Human

Seasons: Anyone

Family: Gabriel, Dean Winchester, Sam Winchester, Raphael, Michael, Lucifer, Hannah, Balthazar, Chuck.

“I uanna be fwee fom hewe, I uanna be out, look bees and have honey, but my bwothes, hates me, I have to do too?”

Supernatural Verse: Castiel had been to a hunt with Sam and Dean but the hunt didn’t end well. A witch saw the power Castiel had to destroy her and turned him to a small kid before running away. Sam and Dean ended up with a kid Cas to take care, which the worst was that he had all the memories of his normal self. So as they take care of Cas, they have to find a way to reverse the spell, even if the little angel has the best time in his whole life with the two boys.

Trigger Warnings: Flashbacks of a hurtful childhood and mindcontrol in heaven, bad spelling from a toddler?

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Broken Mind, Broken Soul | Castiel Roleplay Verse

Name: Castiel Novak

Species: Human, Former Hunter

Seasons: Anyone

Family: Claire Novak (Daughter), Amelia Novak (Wife) (Dead)

“I told you, I am not insane! I am an angel of the Lord, I swear! I swear I am not insane! Call Sam and Dean, they will prove you that I am an angel, please let me go!”

Supernatural Verse: Castiel was raised by Bobby next to Sam and Dean. He was raised to be a hunter. His parents were hunters too, and had died when he was still a baby. Castiel was Sam’s and Dean’s best friend until their paths parted. Sam and Dean searched for their father and kept fighting the supernatural, while Castiel made his own family. He was still in contact with the Winchesters and helped them from time to time in their hunts. Castiel had a wonderful life, until the day that a demon broke into his house and killed his wife. Cas didn’t have the time to stop him, he could only save Claire. After that shock, Castiel lost his mind. He was convinced that he was an angel, that had fallen on earth and lost his memories of heaven. Castiel was convinced he had powers he could use for the greater good, and that put himself and his daughter in danger. Sam and Dean started taking care of Claire while they put Castiel to a mental institution, hoping the man would find himself again.

Trigger Warning: Mental Illness, Schizophrenia, Violence

Ask me to roleplay in this verse

 MORE VERSES SOON

[madboxwithagirl]

Vices

Author’s Note: I have no idea where this came from. I guess I just wanted something a little darker than I typically see in Doctor Who x Reader fanfics. And thus, this story was born. Thank you to my wonderful friend @blueboxshenanigans11 for beta reading this like a month ago (I’ve had this one ready for a while oops).

Prompt: This just came to me and I wanted to write it down.

Summary: The Doctor leaves you behind on Earth without even saying goodbye. You don’t cope well with being thrown back into Earth-life.

Warnings: Heavy angst, death, semi-graphic depictions of a dead body, alcohol usage, drug usage, addiction, needles, gif of needle at end (not going into skin)

Words: 3,248

As soon as you woke up, you knew something was wrong. At first, you couldn’t quite figure it out. While life traveling the stars wasn’t the safest way to spend your time, you knew that being on the TARDIS itself was usually safe and she would protect you from anything harmful. With her around, nothing should have been out of the ordinary. The ship. Why wasn’t she humming? That’s not right, she should always be humming. Your eyes opened, confused as to why that lovely sound wasn’t there, but you wished you had kept them closed. Above you wasn’t the ceiling of your room on the ship. No, above you was the ceiling of your room back on Earth.

You sat up quick enough to almost give yourself whiplash, looking around your room, not quite believing you were there. How did you get there? Why were you there? Where was the Doctor? Your heart squeezed painfully at the idea that, perhaps, the Doctor wasn’t real, and you had just had an elaborate dream. A quick glance at your hands, which were covered in small scabs from a recent trip, debunked that theory rather quickly, and you found that your heart hurt more at the realization. The Doctor was real. He was very real. And he had left you at your home without a word. You were alone.

You must have done something wrong. That’s what you kept telling yourself during the weeks following your abandonment. He didn’t even bother saying goodbye. He wouldn’t have just left you without telling you why, you had tried to reason with yourself. And yet, he had done just that. He had scooped you up as you had slept and placed you in your bed on Earth before taking his magical box and going back into space. He hadn’t even bothered to leave you a note.

You had wracked your brain for hours, trying to figure out what exactly you had done wrong. Maybe it was because you had wandered off one too many times? Or maybe you had said the wrong thing to him and he was angry with you? Or maybe, you feared, he had simply grown bored of you and decided he wanted another companion to travel with. You found yourself sobbing as your mind searched for answers to a question that only the Doctor knew the answers to.

You often found yourself crying out and begging for whatever gods might exist to bring your friend back to you. You didn’t have a life to live on Earth anymore. You had no friends, no family, no job. All you had was your house and some saved up money. You didn’t consider your little house a home anymore. The TARDIS was your home. The Doctor was your life. You desperately wanted to go home, to sleep in your bed on the ship, to play around with the console controls until the Doctor pulled your hands away to scold you playfully.

Nothing on Earth was fun or entertaining to you anymore. The crummy TV shows that you used to watch for a quick laugh no longer had an impact on you. Your favorite Earth foods no longer tasted delicious, the many dishes in other times and places being superior in every way. The stars in the night sky seemed so lackluster from afar, and the view on other planets were much better than on your small bit of rock. You had tried so hard, you really had, but you simply couldn’t enjoy yourself anymore. You wanted to go home.

It only took a couple of months before you picked up alcohol. You had never thought that you would ever drink to forget something, but you believed that it was the only way to keep yourself from thinking about your Time Lord friend. It had started small, just a couple of drinks while watching an overrated sitcom and eating some tasteless microwave dinners. But it soon became a drink when you woke up, then a few drinks while eating lunch, and even more before bed - to help you sleep, you told yourself. It soon got to a point where you were under the influence in some way from the first drink of the day until you finally passed out at night.

You knew that it didn’t actually help. You continued to think about the Doctor even when you were so drunk that you could barely figure out what two plus two was. The alcohol simply numbed the pain and made your memories of him more bearable. You would giggle when you remembered something silly he had done, and you would grumble and pout when you remembered how he would force you to go to sleep even if you still awake enough to have another quick trip. When the alcohol would begin to wear off, you’d start to feel that numbing pain in your heart while you remembered that you were back on Earth without him. That meant it was time for another drink.

Soon enough, the alcohol wasn’t enough. You needed more. You needed something stronger. You needed to forget. If you hadn’t thought that you would be someone to abuse alcohol, than you certainly never fathomed that you would be doing lines of cocaine or injecting heroin. And yet, there you were, laying on your couch with a tourniquet wrapped around your arm, staring into space as you nodded in and out of consciousness.

You would nod once and he was there, then another nod and he was gone. Was he really there? Or was your mind playing tricks on you? Had he come back for you, but left because of the state you were in? You tried to call out to him, tried to get him to come back, but you couldn’t make your body work. You had no choice but to simply let yourself go in and out of consciousness, watching him come and go with every bob of your head.

When you finally came out of your high, you determined that you needed something more powerful, something that wouldn’t allow you to see the man that you so severely missed. Perhaps a higher amount of what you already had would do the trick. Or maybe some newer, stronger drugs. Maybe a mixture of different substances? You honestly didn’t know what it would take, but you knew you needed to keep trying. Anything to forget.

Your eyes were sunken into your skull, the bags under them black as pitch. Your once healthy hair was now thinning and falling out. Your skin was far too pale, any healthy color long gone. Your bones jutted out, sharp and prominent. You didn’t look like the same person who had traveled with the Doctor. You hated what you had become. If he had seen you, he would have thought that you were some alien creature. You didn’t want to be that. You wanted to be the one fighting the creatures, saving planets and protecting innocent beings. But how could you possibly do that now? You couldn’t even save yourself.

You had no idea how long it had been since you had been dropped off at home. Was it a couple of months? A year? Two? Time was blurred. All you knew was that no matter what you did, no matter how powerful the drug, he wouldn’t leave your memory. You would hallucinate and see him, his beautiful police box behind his back, his bright smile coaxing you to him. And you would fall for it, wanting nothing more than to run into his arms and go back to traveling the universe. You would run towards him, your heart beating with such power that it hurt your chest, but you didn’t care. You were going home.

But then it would change, his kind smile and his ship melting away into terrifying images of creatures and planets being destroyed. You would run away, mortified of what you were seeing, but you couldn't get away. Everything was surrounding you, tormenting you, reminding you of your weakness. You cried out for the Doctor, wanting him to come and save you. But he would never come. You had to face the demons alone.

You had decided that you had finally had enough. The hallucinations, the constant state of haziness, the spending of all of your life savings. You couldn’t live like that anymore. You had accepted that nothing you would do would erase the memory of your previous life with your friend. You had to move forward.

It hurt, it hurt so bad. You had no one to lean on for support. When you felt like giving up, you had nobody but yourself. You had to learn to be your own shoulder to cry on. Your body didn’t like that you were denying it the drugs it had been so used to for so long. You often fell back, having a little bit here and there to appease it. It took everything you had to not go back to how you were before.

You had managed to find a job, which had truly surprised you. Your employer seemed sympathetic of your plight, of which you were grateful. He let you start off slow, only working few days a week as a part time worker. You weren’t ready to get back into how life was before the Doctor, but it was a big step for you regardless. You felt proud of yourself.

You tried to keep from spending the money you made on more drugs, but you couldn’t help but buy some every now and again. You were nowhere near being clean, but you were doing better. You were learning how to stay away from them. Even when you found yourself ready to give up, you thought of your employer and his kindness towards you. He was the closest you had to a support system, and you weren’t going to let that slip away.

It started to become easier to think about the Doctor. You could remember the adventures and laughs you had shared without feeling the uncontrollable urge to try to forget. You thought about your days flying through the galaxies, seeing new places and meeting new people wherever you went. Some days were better than others. Some days you would be able to think about the past and you’d just feel sad. Other times, you would sob and call out his name, hoping he’d hear you and come back. On the worst days, you’d need to escape, allowing yourself to indulge in harmful coping mechanisms. But it was alright. You were okay. You were going to be okay.

You were getting better. You truly were. You were working full time. You were saving the money made from your job, buying only the necessities. The house was neat and tidy, the fridge and pantry stocked up with all sorts of lovely foods and treats. You found that you could enjoy them all again, even if they weren’t as flavorful as the foods you had tried on your travels. While you still didn’t look like your old self again, your skin had gained most of its color back, your bones didn’t stick out as much, and your hair was slowly growing back, nice and healthy. You rarely felt the need to pick up a needle or take or pill. You were really doing better.

And then he showed up.

You had never expected to see the Time Lord again. Even though you had begged and wished so many times for him to return, you never believed that it would work. Yet somehow, he was there. He appeared out of his bigger-on-the-inside box, sonic screwdriver in hand. You had been walking down the street, ready to treat yourself to a well-deserved dinner when you saw him. You couldn’t believe your eyes. There, right in front of you, was your Doctor. He looked the same, still wearing the Converse with his blue suit, his hair spiked in such a way that you swore a brush had never touched it, not even once. Your heart rate began to increase, tears coming to your eyes. He was there. He had come back. You wanted to run to him and hold onto him, beg him to take you back, and apologize for whatever it was that made him leave you.

Then, you saw that he wasn’t alone. The brown-eyed alien had a girl with him, and he was chatting her ear off. Any happiness promptly left your body, your racing heart now hurting as you watched the scene in front of you. A hand flew to your mouth as you let out a choked sob, the sound reaching the ears of your old friend. He looked over and saw you, his expression falling as his eyes searched your face. You didn’t look the same as when he had left you all those months ago. Yes, you had been doing better, but you still didn’t look as healthy as you did before. And then there were the tears that were falling from your eyes, your face scrunching up as you felt the pain of being replaced reach your soul. He spoke your name softly and questioningly, not quite believing that it was you. As he took a step towards you, you turned heel and began to run back to your house. He tried to follow you, but you had disappeared into the crowd too quickly.

You burst into your home, tears blurring your vision as you tried to find your secret stash. Your heart was shattered and you wanted to get rid of the pain. You should have known he was going to replace you eventually. The Doctor couldn’t be alone, you knew that. Even so, seeing him with a new companion shook you to your core. You had wanted nothing more than to see him again, but you began to wish that he had just stayed away.

Through your tears, you found what you were looking for. Sitting on the couch, you tied the tourniquet tightly around your arm and began the process that you had hoped you would never do again. You injected the liquid into your vein and laid back, sighing as you let the drug take effect. Your head began to bob, your mind fading in and out before you finally fell unconscious.

That was how he found you. Your body lay on the couch, bloated and blue. Your eyes were glossed over, staring out into nothingness. Your body hadn’t been able to handle the amount of heroin you had injected. Months prior, you could have handled the amount you had taken, but after being fairly clean for some time, that amount was too much to take. Your arm was off of the couch, the deadly needle still sticking out of it. The stench of death was overwhelming, the whole house reeking of it. The Doctor couldn’t stand it. He retched and ran to the bathroom, his body convulsing as he fell to his knees and vomited into the toilet.

The Doctor was used to death. He had to see it everywhere he went. He had witnessed the deaths of mothers, fathers, children, grandparents. He had had to watch families end each others’ lives, planets be blown to pieces, people tortured until they passed out from the pain and died. He had even destroyed his own planet. But nothing could have prepared him for your body.

He had never wanted to see your body in such a state. He had never wanted to see you dead, period. But if he had had to choose, he would have rather seen your body as soon as you had passed, your skin still the correct color and the right size. He would have preferred the scent of the drugs than of your rotting corpse.

Tears stung his eyes by the time he had finished puking. The Doctor leaned against the wall and caught his breath, the death smell weaker in the bathroom. He grit his teeth and shut his eyes, the tears falling freely now. He should have come to your house as soon as he had lost sight of you. He could have explained to you that the woman wasn’t a companion, but just a random girl he had flagged down and wanted to talk to, asking her if she had seen anything out of the ordinary. He could have saved you. Or, at the very least, he could have gotten to your body before death’s vile touch had turned it into its current state.

He hadn’t expected you to get anywhere close to the point where you had ended up. When he left you, he had expected you to go through some sadness for a time, but then he thought you would perk up and go on out and live again. He had thought you would have gone someone if you felt too depressed to move on. He never expected you to turn to drugs.

He regretted leaving you behind. He had come back not only to catch some pesky alien that was planning on hurting the people of the town, but to also explain why he had left. The guilt that had plagued him from just leaving you behind without even a letter had become too much. He had done it to keep you safe, terrified that you would have gotten hurt or killed while traveling with him. He had to bring you back while you were asleep, knowing that you would have never agreed to go willingly. He should have just let you stay on the TARDIS and let things take their course. If you had died, at least you would have been happy, he reasoned.

The Doctor stood slowly and held his breath, knowing that he needed to get your body to someone so you could be properly taken care of and buried. He pulled out a handkerchief and put it up to mouth and nose before walking back out into the living room and up to your body. Tying hard not to let himself feel sick again, he reached his hand out and closed your eyes, your lifeless stare finally broken. He looked at your body one final time, his hearts pounding painfully at the sight. Turning, he went back into his ship and made a call to the emergency services, telling them of an awful smell coming from the home.

The TARDIS dematerialized from your house and reappeared on the street. He waited outside for the police cars and ambulances to arrive, knowing they’d want to question him. When they came, he answered their questions, trying as best as he could to keep from getting emotional, knowing that they would question him further. He almost broke when he saw paramedics exit the house with a gurney with a white cloth over it, but he managed to stay composed.

When all was said and done and they left with your body, he walked solemnly back to his ship. He looked at your house for the last time before entering the doors. Once inside, he went to the console and began to slowly punch in new coordinates. Pushing the buttons and pulling the levers, the machine wheezed and made its way to the destination. When he landed, he stepped out and onto the street, right in front of a bar. The Doctor needed a drink.

[mikegomez73-blog]

Sacred Memoir & Beginnings By: Michael A. Gomez

DECEMBER 1994: IT WAS JUST DAYS AWAY FROM MY TWENTYFIRST BIRTHDAY, WHEN I HAD HEARD THE SONG,”HOW GREAT THOU ART”, AS IF, FOR THE FIRST TIME. THE SPIRIT OF GOD HAD EMBRACED ME, AND I HAD BEEN OVERCOME BY THE GLORIOUS PRESENCE OF THE LORD, UNLIKE ANYTHING I HAD EXPERIENCED BEFORE THAT DAY. 1 -WINTER OF 1995 BY MID WINTER OF 95′,MY UNCLE ROBERT EDGAR HAD PASSED AWAY. HE WAS MY MOTHERS HALF BROTHER.IT IS WITH HIS PASSING THAT I BEGAN TO ANALIZE THE PURPOSE OF LIFE AND THE MEANING OF DEATH. AT THE WAKE IN THE GLOOM AND DESPAIR OF THE FUNERAL PARLOR, MY UNCLE ROBIN WAS HANDING OUT SALVATION TRACTS, TO THE MEMBERS OF OUR BROKEN FAMILY. TO AUNTS, UNCLES, NIECES, NEPHEWS, COUSINS, AND FRIENDS OF THE FAMILY, WHO ALL CAME TOGETHER TO THIS SOMBER FINAL PASSAGE. IT WAS THAT VERY TRACT THAT UNCLE ROBIN GAVE ME THAT CULMINATED MY JOURNEY,LEADING TO MY SALVATION ON THAT WEEKEND OF FEBRUARY 19TH, 1995. THE TRACT WAS BASICALLY DESCRIBING WHAT IS CALLED “THE ROMANS ROAD” AND I WAS ON IT LIKE PAUL ON THE ROAD TO DAMASCUS AND JESUS SAVED ME. I REPENTED AND CONFESSED MY SINS AT THE CROSS OF JESUS CHRIST WHERE HIS BLOOD WAS SHED FOR THE PAYMENT OF MY SINS AND I WAS FORGIVEN FOREVER. FROM THAT DAY FORWARD, I BEGAN TO SENSE THE PRESENCE OF THE LORD, HE WAS GUIDING ME WITH EVERY PASSING DAY, WORKING SOMETHING MIRACULOUS INSIDE, AND I COULDN’T RESIST HIM. IN FACT, I HAD AN INSATIABLY INCESSANT NEED FOR THIS NEW FOUND SOURCE OF LOVE, I HAD NEVER KNOWN. A PEACE,I HAD NEVER FELT, AND A HOPE, I NEVER HAD. MUCH OF THE ANSWERS THAT WOULD COME TO ME WOULD DERIVE FROM MY NEW FOUND FAITH. THE BIBLE ITSELF BECAME MYGUIDE AND TEACHER, AND MY MOM NOTICED MY AVID INTEREST IN ABSORBING ITS MESSAGE, SEEING ME READ IT EVERYDAY, AND ASKING ME, IF I WAS GOING TO BECOME A PRIEST? I SOON BEGAN ATTENDING SUNDAY MASS AT ST. BENEDICTS. WHERE I HAD STUDIED CATECHISM AND GRADUATED FROM EIGTH GRADE. SPEAKING OF WHICH,AFTER GRADUATING, I HAD ENROLLED INTO EAST SIDE HIGH, A PUBLIC SCHOOL IN NEWARK, JUST ACROSS THE STREET FROM INDEPENDENCE PARK. MY ONLY CONCERN DURING MY HIGH SCHOOL YEARS WAS EVIDENT,AS I CARRIED AROUND A SPORTS PAGE WITH ME FROM CLASS TO CLASS, BEING WELL INFORMED BY INCESSANT DIURNAL UPDATES, CHECKING TO SEE THE SCORES IN LAST NIGHTS GAMES OR HOW MANY POINTS DID JORDAN SCORE, AND DID STRAW HIT ANY HOMERS? AS FAR AS FAITH & ACADEMIC SKILLS, I WAS COMPLETELY OBLIVIOUS TO THESE FACTORS AND THEIR RELEVANCE TO LIFE AND ONES FUTURE. I GUESS I WAS LIKE MOST KIDS MY AGE IN THAT SENSE, BUT I NEVER HAD A MOMENT OF URGENCY, IN WHICH, I FELT COMPELLED TO TAKE GOD OR EDUCATION SERIOUSLY. ALTHOUGH, LITTLE DID I KNOW OF GODS PLAN TO RAISE ME UP OUT OF THE ASHES OF SIN & SPIRITUAL DEATH,TRANSFORMING ME INTO A NEW CREATURE IN JESUS CHRIST WHO IS GROWING IN KNOWLEDGE,AND WISDOM AND IN SPIRIT EVERY BLESSED DAY. SITTING IN THAT PEW AGAIN, AFTER NEARLY AN EIGHT YEAR HIATUS, I REMEMBERED THINKING ABOUT THE HYMNS I USED TO SING, WHEN MY NOTE WAS DROWNED OUT BY THE CACOPHONY OF VOICES THAT SANG IN UNISON. WITH ALL THE CHILDREN REPEATING THE REFRAIN OF “PEACE IS FLOWING LIKE A RIVER”, BRINGING A HEARTFELT SMILE TO THEIR CREATOR, WHO HAD SHONE HIS GLORIOUS FACE UPON THEM. NOW HOWEVER, IT FELT DIFFERENT, THERE WAS A GENUINE AFFIRMATION FOR ME THIS TIME, AND I FELT IT DEEP DOWN INSIDE, UNLIKE WHEN I WAS A CHILD I SANG BECAUSE I THOUGHT ITS WHAT YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO DO, BUT NOW I WAS A YOUNG MAN AND I SANG, BECAUSE IT WAS THE SONG IN MY HEART, AND UNDOUBTABLY GOD WAS SMILING AGAIN, BECAUSE HE MISSED ME, AND HE WAS GLAD TO SEE ME HOME. WHILE MUSIC HAS ITS PROFOUND WAYS OF TOUCHING THE HEART, THE WRITTEN WORD HAS ALWAYS BEEN AN EFFECTIVE WAY TO EXPRESS THE VICISSITUDES ON THE HIGHWAYS AND THE LOW ROADS OF LIFE, WHICH HAS BEEN A TWO WAY STREET TO SELF DISCOVERY,GOOD AND BAD THROUGH ITS PERIL AND PLEASURE, FINDING OUR TRUE IDENTITY UNDERNEATH THIS SKIN, UNEARTHING THE MYSTERIES THAT LIE BELOW THE COARSE PLAIN OF MERE FLESH, INTO DEEPER COMPLEX MATTERS OF THE SPIRIT, AND TO DISMISS ONES OWN PERSONALLY & PUBLICLY IMPOSED CARICATURE THAT PALES IN COMPARISON TO OUR TRUE IDENTITY IN JESUS CHRIST, AS GODS CHILDREN.WHICH IS WHY IM WRITING THIS MEMOIR TO SHARE A LIFE TIME TESTIMONY WITH YOU HOW JESUS CHANGED ME AND MY LIFE AND ALL TO THE PRAISE AND GLORY OF HIS NAME.THANK YOU JESUS. 2 *1997 THE ROMAN CATHOLIC CHURCH, FAITH BASED ON THE BIBLE, UPBRINGING, & THE EFFECTS OF TIME* EVEN AS I FOLLOWED MY HEART AND STARTED ATTENDING A NON-DENOMINATIONAL CHURCH IN THE WINTER OF 97, MY MOTHER ATTEMPTED TO DISSUADE ME FROM GOING A DIFFERENT PATH THAN ROMAN CATHOLICISM. MY REASONS FOR THE CHANGE WAS THAT I SAW DRAMATIC VARIANCES BETWEEN THE TWO.ONE OF THE DIFFERENCES WAS CONFESSION TO A PRIEST TO OBTAIN FORGIVENESS, WHICH IS UNBIBLICAL ACCORDING TO NEW TESTAMENT STANDARDS.ANOTHER WAS PRAYING THE ROSARY TO MARY AND PRAYING TO THE SAINTS, WHICH IS ALSO UNBIBLICAL ACCORDING TO NEW TESTAMENT STANDARDS.THIRDLY, ANOTHER GREAT CONTRAST WAS THE SERVICE AND WORSHIP. CATHOLICISM IS A BIT LETHARGIC AND LIFELESS IN ITS SABBATH PRACTICES, WHILE A NON-DENOMINATIONAL CHURCH IS LESS CONSTRICTING, WHERE EXHUBERANT SINGING AND DANCING IS EXPRESSED WORSHIPPING IN A MULTITUDE OF WAYS, AND THE TRANSMITTING OF THE MESSAGE IS PASSIONATELY CONVEYED IN AN ARRAY OF STYLES, FROM CHARISMATIC TO ELOQUENCE. SO THE CHANGE OF RELIGION WAS ACCURATELY BASED ON BIBLICAL NEW TESTAMENT TRUTHS THAT I FELT WERE NOT BEING UPHELD BY THE CATHOLIC CHURCH. MY MOTHER DOES BELIEVE IN GOD AND SHE LOVES HER FAMILY WITH A RELIGIOUS DEVOTION. MY MOTHER WORKED HARD WOULD DO ANYTHING IN THE WORLD FOR THOSE SHE LOVES, WHICH IN A SENSE, WAS A GODLY QUALITY IN AND OF ITSELF. AND I LOVE MY MOTHER VERY MUCH. MY FATHER HAS HIS STRENGTHS, SOME OF WHICH WAS HIS LOVE AND PROVISION FOR HIS FAMILY,MY FATHER DID WHATEVER IT TOOK TO TAKE CARE OF US WITH HARD WORK. I LOVE MY FATHER VERY MUCH. HE IS AN EASY GOING MAN, WHO IS HAPPY TO BE WITH HIS FAMILY. HE BELIEVES IN GOD AND LOVES MY MOTHER VERY MUCH AND COME 2018 THEY WILL BE MARRIED 50 YEARS. I REMEMBER AS A CHILD, GROWING UP HAVING QUALITY TIME TOGETHER WITH BOTH OF MY PARENTS & MY BROTHER JOE, WHERE BONDS OF CLOSENESS HAD FORMED, BUT THE MARCH OF TIME WORE ON IN ITS INDISCRIMINATE STAMPEDE OF CHANGE, AND THE TRIALS OF LIFE HOLD TO ITS HEARTBREAKING VERDICTS, AND THE SOMETIMES OMINOUS JOURNEY DOES SEEM TO ISSUE UNIVERSAL INJUNCTIONS UPON US. A KIND OF COSMOLOGICAL IMPOSITION THAT STANDS IN OUR WAY, TRYING TO BREAK OUR KINDRED SPIRITS WITH ITS OWN SEEMING PRECLUSIONS,BUT I AM HOPEFUL THAT THE GOD OF LOVE AND RECONCILIATION WILL HEAL THE WOUNDS WE ALL HAVE SUFFERED, AND TO BIND ON EARTH THAT WHICH IS BOUND IN HEAVEN.THESE ARE THE THOUGHTS THAT HAD HELPED ME KEEP IT ALL TOGETHER, I BELIEVED. AND SO I HOLD TO THESE FOR LOVE AND REDEMPTION. I LOVE MY MOTHER AND MY FATHER VERY MUCH, I KNOW THEY HAD SACRIFICED MUCH OF THEIR LIFE FOR MY SAKE AND PROVIDED AND CARED FOR MY BROTHER AND I. AS I THINK BACK IN RETROSPECT, I REMEMBER THE BLOOD, THE SWEAT, AND THE TEARS THAT THEY SHED DURING THE TRYING PROCESS OF RAISING TWO CHILDREN, WHO MERELY STAYED OUT OF TROUBLE,AND GOT DECENT GRADES TO GET THROUGH HIGH SCHOOL. 3 -A WORK IN PROGRESS- I HAD BEEN SAVED IN THAT WINTER OF 95’. BUT WHILE THERE WERE A SLEW OF PERSONAL CHANGES FOR THE BETTER, THERE WAS MUCH THAT REMAINED THE SAME LIKE MY HABIT FOR PORN. IN CONTRAST OF THIS I BECAME MORE AWARE OF MY SURROUNDINGS IN WHICH I LIVED.LIKE THE HOMELESS MEN WHO FREQUENTED THE NEIGHBORHOOD PANHANDLING JUST OUTSIDE THE STORE THAT I HAD WORKED. THERE WAS ONE MAN WHO CAME BY THE GARBAGE AREA AROUND THE SIDE BY RECEIVING, I NOTICED HIM LOOKING THROUGH THE DUMPSTER FOR SOMETHING TO EAT AND BROUGHT A SANDWHICH OUT TO HIM AND HE UNABASHEDLY ACCEPTED MY OFFER. ON A NUMBER OF OCCASIONS I GAVE HIM SOME MONEY, KNOWING FULL WELL THAT IT WOULD NEVER SUFFICE HIS DEBT OF SUCH DAMNING DESTITUTION. I REMEMBER ONE DAY I WAS SPEAKING WITH HIM OUT BY THE GARBAGE DUMPSTER; I HAD SAID “JESUS LOVES YOU” AND HE RESPONDED WITH” I HOPE SO.” EVEN NOW I THINK ABOUT THAT DAY AND HIS RESPONSE, BUT NOT IN DOUBT OVER WHAT HE SAID, RATHER I QUESTION WHAT I HAD SAID AND THE INTANGIBILITY OF WHAT I SAID TO HIM AND THE REALITY OF HIS LIFE.DID HE FEEL GODS LOVE THE WAY I HAD EXPERIENCED IT? WAS MINE A HALLUCINATION, A FALSE HOPE WRAPPED UP IN ANCIENT MYTH THAT IS OUTDATED? HAVING DREAMS OF A NEW LIFE, A FRESH START,OR WAS IT A REPRESSION OF FEAR TO QUELL THE NEED OF HAVING TO FACE THE TRUTH AND INSTEAD LIVING A LIE THAT ONLY BROUGHT ON MORE DISCONTENT,RATHER THAN FINDING TRUE INNER PEACE. MAYBE I SAW MYSELF IN THE NAMELESS PANHANDLER AND WAS CONVICTED WITH MY OWN GUILT BELIEVING HIS POVERTY WAS DUE TO MY NEGLECT OR AT LEAST DUE TO MY INCAPACITY. STILL AT THAT TIME I BELIEVED WITH CONVICTION AND MOVED FORTH IN FAITH HOLDING TO CHRISTIANITIES MANDATE OF AGAPE LOVE. A SELFGIVING LOVE THAT JESUS MODELED.AN EXAMPLE IN PERFECT REPRESENTATION OF GODS LOVE AND JUST HOW JESUS GAVE HIS LIFE FOR US WE SHOULD LIKEWISE HELP OUR FELLOW MAN IN NEED. HE BECAME POOR SO WE MIGHT BECOME RICH SPIRITUALLY. HE WAS IMPOVERISHED SO WE WOULD ABIDE IN THE ABUNDANCE OF HIS PROVISION IN THE MAJESTIC ROOMS AND HALLS OF GODS KINGDOM. I STILL HOLD TO THESE BELIEFS, BUT I GUESS IT’S WHEN I TAKE MY EYES OFF OF HIM IS WHEN I SINK INTO THE WATER AND SPLASH AROUND IN FAITHLESS DESPERATION. THERE WAS ANOTHER HOMELESS MAN, WITH WHOM I HAD ESTABLISHED A FRIENDSHIP. WHO AT FIRST, PANHANDLED IN THE AREA, UNTIL THE OWNER OF THE RESTAURANT ACROSS THE STREET; FROM WHERE I WORKED, HAD HIRED ANTHONY TO BE A PARKING LOT ATTENDANT. IT WAS DURING THIS TIME WORKING THERE THAT WE WOULD ENGAGE IN SMALL TALK, AFTER MY SHIFT AT WORK. SOME OF THE CASUAL DISCOURSE THAT WE AIRED OUT ON THOSE WARM SUMMER DAYS, SPOKE OF WHAT ETERNAL LIFE MEANS AND WHILE HE SHARED HIS VIEW BY EXPLAINING,” IT IS ONLY THROUGH OUR MEMORIES OF THE INDIVIDUAL AND WHEN WE TALK ABOUT THE LEGACY OF THE PERSON, THAT THE SPIRIT OF THE DECEASED IS RESURRECTED.” I DIDN’T NECESSARILY AGREE WITH HIM BUT I LISTENED IN SILENCE, AND GAVE HIM A SMALL NEW TESTAMENT BIBLE. HE APPRECIATED THE GIFT AND WE CONTINUED TO BOND. ONE NIGHT WE HAD STOPPED IN ONE OF THE LOCAL STRIPBARS HAD A FEW DRINKS AND CHECKED OUT THE TOPLESS DANCER ,WATCHING HER DROWNED OUT THE PAIN & LONELINESS FOR ANTHONY & MYSELF. IT WAS A SINFUL MOMENT OF ENTICING PLEASURE THAT HE AND I BOTH ENJOYED. BUT THIS WAS ONLY FOR THE MOMENT. IT WAS SUCH A FLEETING JOY, AND LATER I DROPPED ANTHONY OFF AT HIS RELATIVES HOUSE IN THE PROJECTS NOT FAR FROM THE OLD HAYES POOL. IN THOSE MONTHS, I HAD SHARED A DREAM OF MINE WITH HIM. I REMEMBER TELLING HIM I WANTED TO START SOME SORT OF RELIGIOUS COMMUNITY ORGANIZATION CALLED, SOLDIERS FOR CHRIST.I RECALL HIS WORDS IN RESPONSE TO MINE SAYING,” IF YOU CAN DREAM IT, YOU CAN ACHIEVE IT, NOTHING CAN STAND IN YOUR WAY.” I THINK BACK ON WHAT I SAID AND WONDER HAD I REALLY MEANT IT, I THOUGHT I BELIEVED IT AT THAT TIME, BUT NOW I HAVE DOUBTS ABOUT IT BEING TRUE AND I JUST SAID IT WITHOUT HAVING A SOLID MENTAL FOUNDATION TO BUILD UPON THAT DREAM AND SO LIKE PAPER WEIGHT DEBRIS MY EMPTY WORDS WERE BLOWN AWAY IN THE WIND. THERE WAS NO ROOT, ONLY A SEED THAT WAS NEVER PLANTED AND A MOMENT THAT WAS NOT SEIZED. SOMETIME DURING THE SUMMER OF 98 ANTHONY HAD COME INTO THE STORE WHERE I WORKED LOOKING FOR ME. BECAUSE HE NEEDED MONEY TO PAY A COURT FINE OF SOME SORT.HE TOLD ME IF HE DIDN’T PAY IT HE WOULD WIND UP IN JAIL, BUT I HAD TOLD HIM IT WAS TOO MUCH MONEY, THAT I COULDN’T AFFORD TO GIVE HIM A COUPLE HUNDRED DOLLARS TO SAY THE LEAST HE WAS DISAPPOINTED. I KNOW HE BELIEVED I WAS GOING TO COME THROUGH IN HIS TIME OF NEED, BUT ON THE OTHER OCASSIONS, IN WHICH I GAVE HIM MONEY, IT WAS A MERE PITTANCE,MAYBE TEN DOLLARS, MAYBE TWENTY. WHEN HE LEFT ME I FELT UNCOMFORTABLE BECAUSE MY BOSS WAS PRESENT AND I KNEW HE WITNESSED WHAT HAD JUST TRANSPIRED, BUT I SHOOK IT OFF AND IT DIDN’T HIT ME TILL LATER. A FLOOD OF THOUGHTS PANGS OF GUILT, VISIONS OF ANTHONY IN A CELL BECAUSE I FAILED TO HELP A FRIEND IN NEED. I STILL THINK ABOUT ANTHONY, NEARLY TEN YEARS LATER AND I WONDER WHERE HE IS NOW, AND IF HE IS EVEN ALIVE.I HOPE HE IS ALIVE SOMEWHERE AND HAPPY. I HOPE GODS LOVE FILLS HIS HEART,I HOPE IF HE REMEMBERS ME AT ALL THAT HE’LL REMEMBER HOW I SAW HIM AS A CHILD OF GOD AND A HUMAN BEING WHO DESERVES ANOTHER CHANCE REGARDLESS OF THEIR PAST OR PRESENT MISTAKES. 4 *1995-1998* I HAD MET ANA IN SEPTEMBER OF 1995 THAT’S WHEN SHE WAS HIRED AT THE STORE WHERE I WAS EMPLOYED. I WAS TOO SLOW TO ACT IN BEFRIENDING HER, TOO SHY TO BE SO BOLD AND APPROACH HER. SO AT MY OWN PACE, I WORKED ON GETTING TO KNOW HER, NOT WITHOUT MUCH FRUSTRATION THOUGH. I REMEMBER FIGHTING WITH MYSELF OVER A LACK OF CONFIDENCE AND COURAGE. MY FONDNESS OF HER BORDERED BETWEEN OBSESSION AND FANTASY.SWINGING LIKE A PENDULUM, MY EMOTIONS TICKED LIKE A TIME BOMB THAT COUNTED ITS FINAL SECONDS WITH THE INSATIABLE LONGING,TO BE HER MAN,TO BE HER LOVER, TO BE HER HUSBAND. I CARRIED THESE FEELINGS FOR HER FOR THREE YEARS AND DURING THAT TIME FINALLY MADE MY FEELINGS KNOWN.THOUGH WHEN I DID SHE ONLY HURT MY FEELINGS WHEN SHE ASKED ME WHAT KIND OF FUTURE WOULD WE HAVE? AND IN 1998 I TRIED TO SHOW HER HOW SERIOUS I WAS BY ENROLLING INTO A TRADE SCHOOL, BUT AS THE END OF THE FIRST SEMESTER DREW TO A CLOSE, I HAD MADE A TRUTHFUL CONFESSION TO MYSELF. THAT I HAD NO CLUE AS TO WHAT I WAS BEING TAUGHT. I COULD HARDLY EXPLAIN CURRENT FLOW AND FELT BURDENED BY THE COUNTLESS FORMULAS NECESSARY TO PROVE THE EQUATION MATHMATICALLY. THE LINE BETWEEN THE CLASSROOM AND THE FIELD BECAME BLURRED, AND I LOST MY NERVE TO CONTINUE, AND COULD NOT RISK FAILING, WHILE PAYING TEN THOUSAND DOLLARS AND THAT WAS THE ONLY EQUATION THAT I UNDERSTOOD. OF COURSE, WHAT IF I HAD PUSHED ON, MOVED FORWARD AND DIDN’T THROW UP MY HANDS IN SUBMISSION. MAYBE IT WOULD HAVE BEEN A DIFFERENT OUTCOME, AND MAYBE ANA WOULD HAVE COME AROUND TO MY COURTING ATTEMPTS, EVENTUALLY WINNING HER HAND. INSTEAD, AFTER I QUIT RETS INSTITUTE, WE WERE SPENDING MORE TIME TOGETHER. I MEAN, IT WASN’T EXACTLY WHAT I HAD HOPED FOR,BUT I THOUGHT AT LEAST I WAS HANGING OUT WITH HER, YOU KNOW, IT FELT GOOD AND EXCITING LIKE THERE WAS A CHANCE THAT I WOULD BE ABLE TO HOLD HER IN MY ARMS ONE DAY. SHE HAD BEEN TRANSFERRED TO THE KEARNY LOCATION AND I STAYED IN NEWARK. BUT WE STILL KEPT IN TOUCH CALLING EACHOTHER FROM WORK, AND HER VOICE WOULD DRIVE A STAKE THROUGH MY HEART TELLING ME NO, WHILE HER STEALTHY SELFISH MOTIVES WOULD NEARLY LURE ME INTO HER TRAP. AFTER GIVING ME FALSE HOPE ON THOSE HOT SUMMERS DAY WHEN SHE PUT HER ARMS AROUND ME FROM BEHIND, SHE HAD ME BELIEVING THERE WAS A POSSIBILITY BETWEEN US. BUT SHE WOULD BURST THAT BUBBLE WHEN SHE ASKED ME TO MARRY HER, MERELY, FOR IMMIGRATION PAPERS. I DROVE HER HOME FROM WORK NEARLY ON A DAILY BASIS AND WE EVEN WENT OUT TO THE MOVIES AND NEAR THE END OF OUR PECULIAR FRIENDSHIP, WE WENT TO GREAT ADVENTURE. ON THE DAY OF THE GREAT ADVENTURE TRIP JULY 4TH WOULD BE THE BEGINNING OF THE END OF ALL THE HOPES THAT I HAD HAD. ALL THE FANTASIES THAT WOULD EVAPORATE INTO THIN AIR RIGHT BEFORE MY EYES. WHERE MY BEST FRIEND CHUCK MET ANA THAT DAY AND WOULD FORM A DATING RELATIONSHIP THAT EVOLVED OVER TIME INTO THE CONSUMMATION OF MARRIAGE JUST TWO YEARS LATER. AS I LOOK BACK IN RETROSPECT, I COULD SEE HOW WE WERE BOTH WRONG. I WAS WRONG IN MY ABSURDITY, IN WHICH I SOUGHT TO ANTE UP AND PUSH THE HAND OF DESTINY IN MY FAVOR, INSTEAD OF UNDERSTANDING THE HAND OF FATE AND HOW WE JUST WERE NOT MEANT TO BE. AND ANA WAS WRONG IN HER PROPOSAL TO ME, TO MARRY HER JUST FOR IMMIGRATION PAPERS.SHE KNEW HOW I FELT ABOUT HER AND NO ONE WOULD EVER AGREE TO SUCH AN OFFER KNOWING THEY WOULD ONLY END UP HURT IN THE END. NOT TO MENTION HOW IT HURT ME TO KNOW SHE DIDN’T FEEL THE SAME WAY ABOUT ME AS I DID ABOUT HER. IN THE FINAL WEEKS OF MY TENURE WHERE I HAD WORKED, FOR NEARLY SEVEN YEARS, OUR FRIENDSHIP THAT HAD BRIEFLY PEAKED WOULD QUICKLY COLLAPSE. AS I FOUND OUT ABOUT ANA AND CHUCKS RELATIONSHIP, LEAVING A MESSAGE ON CHUCKS PHONE SAYING THAT OUR FRIENDSHIP WAS OVER AND I NEVER WANTED TO SEE HIM AGAIN. I ABRUPTLY QUIT MY JOB ON ONE WEEKS NOTICE, WHERE I STILL HAD NOT RECEIVED THE PAY INCREASE PROMISED TO ME FOR THE LAST MONTH OR SO. I HAD APPLIED AT A MATTRESS COMPANY THE SAME DAY I QUIT IN ECKERT AND WAS HIRED.I ONLY WORKED THERE FOR THREE WEEKS BEFORE THEY LET ME GO. AND FOR ALMOST A MONTH I COLLECTED UNEMPLOYMENT BEFORE MY FORTUNES WOULD CHANGE, AFTER MUCH COAXING FROM MY MOTHER TO APPLY AT FORTUNOFF. I FINALLY DID AND WAS CALLED IN FOR AN INTERVIEW AND WAS HIRED. 5 -WORKING @ FORTUNOFF- IT WAS RIGHT AROUND HALLOWEEN TIME IN THE FALL OF 98’ WHEN I STARTED MY NEW JOB AFTER ALL OF THE EVENTS THAT HAD TAKEN PLACE.IT WAS EXACTLY WHAT I NEEDED, A CHANGE OF ATMOSPHERE, A NEW PLACE WITH FOREIGN FACES, A NEW WORLD FULL OF INFINITE POSSIBILITIES AND A SMORGASBORD OF POTENTIAL FRIENDSHIPS. MY FIRST FRIEND I WOULD MAKE AT FORTUNOFF WAS ERWIN TEJANO. AND IT WOULD BE THROUGH ERWIN THAT I WOULD HAVE MY FIRST ENCOUNTERS WITH THE FILIPINO CULTURE AND COMMUNITY. DURING THE SHORT TENURE OF OUR FRIENDSHIP, I HAD TAGGED ALONG TO MANY OF THE PARTIES IN THE FILIPINO COMMUNITY THAT HE WAS INVITED TO. AND IT WAS DURING THIS PERIOD THAT I BECAME FRIENDS WITH CELESTE AND JOLINA, TWO FILIPINAS WHO ALSO WORKED AT FORTUNOFF. ON A NUMBER OF OCCASIONS ALL OF US WENT OUT TO CLUBS, POOLHALLS, AND PARTIES. 6 -LOOKING FOR MY PRINCESS IN ALL THE WRONG PLACES- IN THE SPRING OF THE FOLLOWING YEAR ERWIN INTRODUCED ME TO A YOUNG AND BEAUTIFUL FILIPINO GIRL, MICHELLE BRAGOLI, WHO HAPPENED TO BE LIVING HALF WAY ACROSS THE GLOBE IN CEBU, PHILIPPINES. WE BEGAN CHATTING OVER THE INTERNET, SENDING INSTANT MESSAGES TO EACH OTHER, GOING FOR HOURS UNTIL THE FIRST LIGHT OF DAWN. IT DIDN’T TAKE LONG THOUGH BEFORE I STARTED CALLING HER, BUYING TEN DOLLAR PHONE CARDS ALMOST EVERY OTHER DAY. MICHELLE HAD SENT ME NUMEROUS PICTURES, WHICH I DO NOT HAVE ANYMORE. SOLO SHOTS, PICTURES WITH HER FAMILY AND FRIENDS, EVEN A HOMEMADE VIDEO OF HER HANGING OUT WITH ERWIN, HANNAH AND HAZEL IN CEBU DURING ERWINS SUMMER VACATION. WHEN HE HAD RETURNED FROM P.I. HE GAVE ME THE VIDEO AND OTHER SOUVENIRS THAT HE AND MICHELLE WANTED ME TO HAVE. DURING ERWINS VACATION JOLINA AND I HUNG OUT A BIT. AS WE WENT OUT TO THE MOVIES TOGETHER A COUPLE OF TIMES.WE SAW THE MUMMY AND THE MATRIX AND I REMEMBER WANTING TO MAKE AN ADVANCE TOWARDS HER, BUT MY COURAGE FAILED ME AND SO, IT WAS JUST ANOTHER CASE OF WHAT MIGHT HAVE BEEN. KEEP IN MIND THOUGH,I WAS IN A LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIP WITH MICHELLE,WHO I NEVER MET IN PERSON. CELESTE WAS ANOTHER FILIPINA I WAS FRIENDS WITH SHE WAS TALL AND THIN WITH LONG LEGS AND SHE WOULD WEAR SUCH SHORT SKIRTS THAT LEFT VERY LITTLE TO THE IMAGINATION. I REMEMBER MY ATTRACTION TO HER, WHICH WAS MORE SEXUAL THAN ROMANTIC AND HOW SHE WOULD LATER DISCOVER THIS THROUGH ERWIN, WHO HAD TOLD HER OF MY FONDNESS FOR HER.WHICH HAD EVENTUALLY LEAD TO HER PROPOSITIONING ME,ONE WINTER NIGHT IN 2001 AT JOEYS CLUB IN CLIFTON. BUT I IGNORED THIS PROPOSAL,BY ACTING AS IF I DIDNT HEAR HER AND TURNED THE CONVERSATION IN A DIFFERENT DIRECTION. NOW I WONDER IF I HAD ONLY SHIED AWAY FROM HER BECAUSE, I WAS TURNED OFF BY SUCH AGGRESSION OR WAS IT DUE TO MY OWN RELIGIOUS INCLINATIONS THAT GAVE ME THE IMPULSE TO RETRACT OUT OF REVERENCE AND OBEDIENCE TO GOD OR COULD IT HAVE BEEN DUE TO MY ENGAGEMENT TO A YOUNG LADY NAMED CLARISSA, WHO WAS WORKING IN NORWAY. 7 *ENGAGEMENT & MARRIAGE* I WAS INTRODUCED TO MY WIFE BY A FELLOW COWORKER, HER BROTHER IN LAW, LEO BAUSA. SHE WAS WORKING FOR THE AMERICAN EMBASSY IN MICHIGAN. WE HAD SPOKEN A NUMBER OF TIMES OVER THE PHONE, STARTING IN AROUND MID SEPTEMBER OF 99′ AND IN OCTOBER, ON THE WEEKEND OF THE FIFTEENTH SHE CAME TO NEW JERSEY TO MEET IN PERSON. IN THAT TWO DAY ENCOUNTER THINGS WENT QUITE WELL AND WE BOTH KNEW FOR SURE THAT WE WOULD BE SEEING EACHOTHER AGAIN SOON.THOUGH THINGS HAD CHANGED AND SHE WENT BACK TO NORWAY TO WORK FOR THE EMBASSY THERE AND WE HAD TO PUT OFF SEEING EACHOTHER TIL EARLY 2000. SO OUR NEXT TIME AND PLACE TO BE TOGETHER WOULD BE TO GO TO HER HOME COUNTRY IN THE PHILIPPINES.ON THIS TRIP I HAD MET MY INLAWS TO BE. AND ALL I CAN REMEMBER IS BEING TREATED WITH SUCH HOSPITALITY AND SUCH A WELCOMING THAT I FELT I HAD FOUND A BIT OF HEAVEN HERE ON EARTH CERTAINLY I HAD NEVER EXPERIENCED ANYTHING LIKE IT BACK HERE IN JERSEY,MAYBE IN VERY SMALL DOSES.BUT I REMEMBER FEELING LIKE A KING IN PARADISE. I ALSO REMEMBER THE ATTENTION I GOT WHEREEVER I WENT,I FELT LIKE A CELEBRITY.EVERYONE WOULD LOOK AT ME LIKE IT WAS THE SECOND COMING. THIS HAD BEEN MY FIRST TIME TRAVELING ANYWHERE OUT OF THE US.NOT TO MENTION CLARISSA AND I HAD GONE IN FEBRUARY SO I WOULD GLADLY MISS 2 AND A HALF WEEKS OF WINTER. LATER ON IN 2000, I WOULD VISIT CLARISSA WHERE SHE WORKED AT THE AMERICAN EMBASSY IN OSLO, NORWAY. I WOULD ALSO PROPOSE TO HER THERE ON THURSDAY, AUGUST 17TH. 8 -2001:WHAT A YEAR- MY WIFE AND I MARRIED ON APRIL 19TH 2001. A DAY I WILL ALWAYS REMEMBER AND CHERISH.I CAN HONESTLY SAY I HAVE CONTENTMENT AND PEACE IN MY LIFE. CLARISSA IS A GIFT FROM GOD. SINCE OUR UNION,THERE HAS BEEN MUCH LEARNED ABOUT HER, WHICH HAS ONLY LED ME TO APPRECIATE HER EVEN MORE WITH EVERY PASSING DAY.HER LOVE AND HER CARE FOR ME IS SIMILAR TO GODS INFINITE LOVE. HER FORGIVENESS FOR MY MISTAKES AND SHORTCOMINGS IS NOTHING SHORT OF GODLINESS. SURE EVERY COUPLE HAS THEIR OWN CHALLENGES,TESTS AND TRIALS,BUT GOD HAS BROUGHT US OUT BETTER AND STRONGER THAN WE WERE BEFORE. GODS GRACE HAS BEEN THE DIFFERENCE IN OUR LIVES AND THE REASON WHY OUR LOVE REMAINS TO BE A LIVING TESTAMENT TO OTHERS AROUND US TODAY. I WOULD LIKE TO PICK UP IN 2001.WHEN MY WIFE TO BE CAME IN TO VISIT ME AROUND THE BEGINNING OF THE YEAR FOR A WEEK. AT THIS TIME THE PETITION TO BRING HER HERE AND MARRY HER, HAD BEEN FILED SINCE OCTOBER OF 2000. IT WAS BY MID FEBRUARY 2001 THAT WE WERE INFORMED OF THE DATE THAT SHE WOULD FINALLY COME TO AMERICA. ON MARCH 30TH, WHAT AN AWESOME DAY, I COULD NOT WAIT FOR IT TO COME. YET IT CAME, IT SEEMED AN ETERNITY TO DO SO.BUT SHE IS WELL WORTH THE WAIT. AND NOW, IT IS FOR ETERNITY WITH THE CONSUMMATION OF OUR LOVE THROUGH THE SACRED BIND OF FAITH AND GODS LOVE THAT UNITES US IN THE SAME SPIRIT. IN THE SAME YEAR, MY GRAND FATHER JOSEPH GOMEZ WOULD PASS AWAY ON JUNE 1st, AND MY MOTHER LOST HER JOB THAT SUMMER, WHICH LED TO HER SELLING HER DREAM HOME THAT SHE LOVED SO, AND THE TRAGEDY OF 9/11 THAT SHOOK OUR NATION, CHANGING OUR WORLD, AND THE BIRTH OF MY FIRST NEPHEW FROM MY FAMILIES SIDE, MY BROTHER JOES SON, MATTHEW ON SEPTEMBER 26TH. THE PAIN AND HEARTACHE MY MOTHER AND FATHER ENDURED FROM LOSING HER JOB AND THEIR HOME, AND THE TERROR OF 9/11 WERE FOLLOWED BY THE BIRTH OF MATTHEW. A NAME WHICH MEANS (GIFT OF GOD) WAS BEAUTIFULLY AND PERFECTLY TIMED AND ORDAINED BY GOD. AT SUCH A TIME AND OUT OF SUCH DESPAIR WOULD COME SUCH A BLESSING. WHO CAN EXPLAIN THE HEARTBREAK AND THE AGONY OF LIFE SOMETIMES EXCEPT THAT EVIL IS REAL AND MISFORTUNE IS ALSO REAL BUT SO IS THE LORDS BLESSING AND THE LORDS FAVOR. EVEN WITH SOME OF THE PAINFUL AND TRAGIC EVENTS THAT TRANSPIRED IN 2001, THERE IS NO WAY I WOULD TRADE IT FOR ANYTHING IN THE WORLD. WHY? BECAUSE, I MARRIED THE LOVE OF MY LIFE, AND ALSO FOR THE BIRTH OF MY NEPHEW MATTHEW. I ALSO HAVE COUNTLESS NEPHEWS AND NIECES IN THE PHILIPPINES THROUGH MY INLAWS. WOW! BLESSED INDEED!. 9 -2002-2005:THE PASSING OF MY IN-LAWS, FAMILY MATTERS, LIFE GOES ON- AS MY WIFE AND I SET OUT ON OUR OWN MOVING INTO AN APARTMENT, IM SAD TO SAY THAT MORE GRIEF WOULD COME IN 2002. WHEN MY MOTHER IN LAW WOULD PASS AWAY. THIS WAS HARD FOR MY WIFE AND EVEN HARDER,BECAUSE OF THE MILES THAT SEPARATED HER FROM OUR FAMILY IN THE PHILIPPINES. IT WAS NOT A HOP,SKIP, AND A JUMP AWAY. NEVERTHELESS, WE MADE THE SOMBER JOURNEY TO BE THERE FOR THE WAKE AND THE FUNERAL. OVER THE NEXT FOUR YEARS I ADMIT MY SELFISHNESS IN REGARDS TO MY WIFES FINANCIAL CONCERNS AND PROVISIONS FOR THE FAMILY IN THE PHILIPPINES. I HAD DISPUTED WITH HER OVER THIS ISSUE BECAUSE I FELT IT WAS TOUGH JUST TO TAKE CARE OF OUR OWN NEVER MIND SUPPORTING EVERYONE ELSE THERE. I WAS SELFISH IN MY ATTITUDE AND FAILED TO SEE IT OR REFUSED TO.THIS LED TO A NUMBER OF DISPUTES ABOUT MONEY AND FINACIAL ISSUES. BUT IN REALITY, I THINK ALOT OF COUPLES HAVE DISAGREEMENTS ABOUT MONEY IN MOST RELATIONSHIPS. ITS NOT EASY TODAY,BUT GOD IS GOOD AND HIS ABUNDANCE OF SUPPLY HAS NO LACK. THIS PERIOD WAS FROM 2002-2006. SINCE THEN I HAVE CHANGED MY WAYS OF THINKING AND ACTUALLY ENJOY THE FACT THAT IM HELPING OTHER PEOPLE, PARTICULARLY FAMILY. IN 2003 WE BOUGHT A NEW CAR,A HONDA CIVIC LX. BUT I MADE A MISTAKE AND LOOKED AT CARS WITHOUT MY WIFE AND INCLUDED MY FAMILY TO HELP ME WITHOUT HER. IT WAS NOT INTENTIONAL ON MY PART. I JUST DID NOT THINK ABOUT WHAT I WAS DOING. AND FAILED TO REMEMBER A PROMISE I MADE TO HER ABOUT GOING OUT AND LOOKING AT CARS TOGETHER. THIS MISTAKE CAUSED SOME TENSION AND DISPUTES AND SURELY I WILL NOT LET THIS HAPPEN AGAIN. IN 2004, MY WIFE WAS LET GO FROM HER JOB AND UNEMPLOYED FOR 2 MONTHS UNTIL JC PENNEY HIRED HER ON JUNE 29TH. THIS SAME YEAR,MY NEPHEW JOSEPH WAS BORN ON SEPTEMBER 28TH. DURING THIS YEAR I TOOK UP WRITING THROUGH 2007. ANYTHING FROM STORIES, TO JUST EXPRESSING MY FEELINGS, TO PROSE, POETRY, ECT. IN 2005 MY FATHER IN LAW WOULD PASS AWAY IN THE PHILIPPINES. I REGRET NOT GOING WITH MY WIFE TO HIS WAKE AND FUNERAL. IT STILL BOTHERS ME TODAY. I REMEMBER MY WIFE AND I ARGUED ABOUT IT BEFORE SHE LEFT AND HOW HORRIBLE I FELT WHEN SHE DID LEAVE.I FELT SO GUILTY ABOUT NOT GOING WITH HER. I HAD 2 WEEKS TO THINK ABOUT IT. WHEN SHE CAME BACK, I APOLOGIZED AND THINGS WENT BACK TO NORMAL BUT I STILL HAD ISSUES WITH SENDING SO MUCH MONEY TO THE PHILIPPINES AT THAT TIME. 10 -2006-2009:TRIALS, CHALLENGES & WANDERING- IN 2006 I BECAME UNHAPPY AT WORK OVER NOT GETTING THE LEAD POSITION OF MY DEPARTMENT.NEEDLESS TO SAY IT SHOWED IN MY ATTITUDE AND HOW I CARRIED MYSELF. I DID GET OVER IT QUICKLY THOUGH. SEE, I HAD MET THIS PASTOR WHO WORKED AT THE SAME BUSINESS I WORKED FOR AND HE WOULD SHARE THE WORD OF GOD WITH ME AND I DID LIKEWISE. SOON, WE BEGAN HAVING BIBLE STUDIES TOGETHER. HIS NAME WAS NATHANAEL AND HE KNEW THE BIBLE LIKE THE BACK OF HIS HAND. IF I ASKED A QUESTION ABOUT A CERTAIN VERSE BUT DID NOT KNOW THE VERSE OR BOOK HE WOULD KNOW AND MANY TIMES SAY IT OUT LOUD FROM MEMORY. SOON WE WOULD HAVE A THIRD MEMBER, HER NAME WAS IESHA. ON A FEW OCCASIONS THE 3 OF US PRAYED TOGETHER AND IT WAS AN EMPOWERING AND YET PEACEFUL MOMENT. WHAT A COMFORT, PEACE AND ASSURANCE I RECEIVED THROUGH THE GRACE OF GOD. HOW GOD BROUGHT THESE PEOPLE INTO MY LIFE FOR A SEASON IN WHICH I NEEDED IT MOST. THANK YOU LORD. I LOVE YOU. THE FALL FROM GRACE IS A HARD ONE INDEED, AND I FELL HARD.SEE I HAD BECOME FRIENDS IN 2006,WITH THIS LADY NAMED HEATHER. THIS FRIENDSHIP BECAME AN UNHOLY ALLIANCE THAT WOULD NEARLY DESTROY MY MARRIAGE. AS A WISE MAN ONCE SAID: “WOMEN ARE THE RUINATION OF A GOOD MAN”, PATRICK WAS RIGHT, AT LEAST IN THIS CASE. I HAD HORRIBLE JUDGEMENT AND GOT CAUGHT UP IN HEATHERS PERSONAL CONFLICTS WITH OTHER PEOPLE AT WORK AND SOON WE WERE HANGING OUT AT KARAOKE BARS. I MUST SAY NOTHING EVER HAPPENED BETWEEN HEATHER AND I.WE NEVER KISSED.WE NEVER HAD ORAL SEX. WE NEVER HAD SEX OF ANY KIND. THE WORST THING TO HAPPEN WAS MY LAPSE OF JUDGEMENT AND CAUSING MY WIFE TO LOSE TRUST IN ME AND NOT BELIEVE ME. AT THAT TIME SHE DIDNT BUT I DONT BLAME HER. OVER TIME THOUGH I HAVE GAINED HER TRUST BACK,ONLY TO LOSE IT AGAIN. FROM KARAOKE TO CLUBS IN 2007 AND 2008. WHILE MY WIFES TRUST IN ME WAS RESTORED, IT DID NOT TAKE ME LONG TO LOSE IT ONCE AGAIN. I BEGAN GOING TO CLUBS WITH MY BROTHER AND JUNIOR.DURING THIS TIME MY BROTHER WAS GOING THROUGH A TOUGH DIVORCE AND SPENDING TIME WITH HIM WAS IMPORTANT TO ME BUT IN THE MIDDLE OF THIS CALLING I BEGAN TO HEED OTHER VOICES OF DECEPTION. MY PRIORITIES WERE TURNED UPSIDEDOWN YET AGAIN, AND MY WIFE CLEARLY NOTICED.UNDERSTANDABLY, MY WIFE DID NOT TRUST MY BROTHERS NEW GIRLFRIEND MARIA, WHO MY BROTHER MET AT A CLUB AND DID NOT LIKE ME GOING TO CLUBS WITH JOE AND MARIA COMING ALONG BECAUSE MARIAS GIRLFRIENDS WERE THERE TOO.I UNDERSTAND MY WIFES FEELINGS ABOUT THIS NOW BUT I DID NOT SUBMIT TO THESE FEELINGS BACK THEN,WHICH CAUSED PASSIONATE TENSION BETWEEN US AND NUMEROUS FIGHTS. TODAY, I COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND HER FEELINGS AND RESPECT HER FEELINGS ABOUT THIS MATTER. I ADMIT I WAS WRONG IN BOTH CASES, WITH HEATHER AND MARIA. I had posted this on facebook regarding that time. it was just a few years ago, when i was living in rebellion and darkness. i was living in the bondage of sin as a child of god. my life style had become one of addiction to night life, a carousing heart, a wandering eye and i was wandering so far from the lord and hurting the person closest to me. i was close to throwing the most important relationship in my life away because of my wandering heart. then soon, i had lost my job in 2009 and it was during this time that the lord began working on me and brought me to a place, where all i would focus on was him, learning more about him, his love for me and everything jesus had done for me on the cross and the power of his blood. while i was out of work and right on through to today the lord has continued his wonder working power within me in my life and the lives of others, transforming my mind and changing my heart. i didnt deserve gods grace, mercy and forgiveness but what an awesome god we serve. in his word it says…”quench not the spirit” this verse right here speaks volumes to me about our complete dependence upon “the spirit of christ, the hope of glory” within, “greater is he that is in us than he that is in the world” and “Even the Spirit of truth; whom the world cannot receive, because it seeth him not, neither knoweth him: but ye know him; for he dwelleth with you, -“AND SHALL BE IN YOU”. jesus’ very promise to us to send the comforter, the holy spirit and that he will be IN YOU.what an awesome gift from god, the holy spirit is doing miracles and wonders in our world today, and what a miracle god has done in my own life. QUENCH NOT THE SPIRIT! brothers and sisters in christ jesus who is the word become flesh and our lord and saviour!the king of kings and lord of lords! his word is our spiritual food. 2009:OUT OF WORK FOR 9 MONTHS *GOD MAKES ALL THINGS NEW* -BEGINNINGS: 2011-2015- I could begin in so many places but i would like to start on august 21,2011. it was during this time,i joined the worship team at church. little did i know at the time but it was the beginning of a new period of my life. where i was discovering the depth of my faith and who God is. it was a calling of service to God through worship & music. Andy Jelliffe was our worship leader, along with nick porcaro and michael giffone. susan soesbe was one of the vocalists along with myself. who would have known that i would be on the worship team not just singing though but worshiping God. since i was a teenager, i wanted to sing, i wanted to be a part of music but who would have thought it would be for worshiping God. the Lord was growing me in my faith through my relationship with him more and more. -Green Pastures Without A Pastor?- Even though our congregation would lose our pastor Don Flynn, who stepped down at the beginning of the new year in 2012, the Lord had other plans. i myself believed there were great times ahead looking forward to what the lord would do at riverside and behold the lord moved mightily. pastor hector ramirez, david jensen and other guest speakers began preaching at times but soon it would be clear in the coming months that it would be PASTOR hector who God would call to our church as pastor, soon becoming interim pastor later that year and finally become senior pastor in 2013. -Growing In The Word & In Prayer- In march 2012,i joined the mens group that meets every tuesday to study Gods Word and Pray together and we still meet today, Pastor Hector, joe, fred and myself. we met mostly at Fellow Elder Richard Wilsons house,who recently passed away on december 25,2015 and went home to be with the lord. I learned with these men that a consistant daily study of the Bible is one of the foundations of the christian life, as well as our daily prayer life are essential in our relationship with Jesus Christ. -Surrender & Serve- On june 3rd,2012,i would be baptized and through the summer of 2012, he also called me to serve in the soup kitchens, the poor of our communities. in september,he would then call me to be an elder of the church. on october 7th, my wife and i of 11 years renewed our marriage vows. the next year,i was installed as an elder on february 10th,2013. over the next 2 years, i would actually lead or co-lead 3 mens meetings and in 2015 i would lead worship 3 times. Serving on the worship team has been a blessed experience along side, vocalists: Susan, Amanda, Christina, Cheryl, Gail, and Jessi. musicians: Andy, Nick, Michael, Roland, Andrew, James, Fred, Al, Ron, Jayson and Billy. Serving God with my wife has been a tremendous blessing. Clarissa is an usher and a greeter and also helps in cleaning up at the end of service. our marriage has become stronger and we have faced many challenges but the Lord has strengthened us and blessed us,keeping us through all of them and bringing us through all of them. we will be married for 15 years on april 19th and together we have learned its alot like serving the Lord being that the more you surrender to the relationship, the closer you grow to the other and your values begin to align to the one you surrender to becoming more and more alike. Selah. *YESTERDAY,TODAY & FOREVER* 1994 – 2016 – -Rewind 2009-2010 In 2009,i would be out of work for 9 months from june until february 2010. the longest time period out of work since after graduating high school in 1991, which was 5 months. during the time i was out of work in 09,i began reading the bible more and seeking God again. its important to say that before 2009, i was on and off with the lord. -Rewind-Forward-Selah- while my new found faith in Jesus Christ began in 1995 and my seeking was more evident to others at that time. come 1996, i began wandering but in 1997 i drew closer to Jesus only to wander again on and off through 1998-2001. in 2001 another resurgence of faith began into 2002 though on and off again. in 2004 was another resurgence,in 2006 was another. when i lost my job in 2009, it helped set me on course to begin to seek the lord again, only this time over the next 7 years my faith and walk with the lord jesus would grow deeper into the roots of stronger faith and spiritual growth and maturity, all to the glory of God. Selah. 2016 – Revelations now and into The Future OH WHAT Jesus has done for us once and for all by his sacrificial death on the cross where his blood was shed for our sins, for the forgiveness of our sins The Bible does tell us that when the redeemed in Jesus Pass Away and enter into the presence of the lord in heaven that we shall be with him & we shall be like him but we shall be like him now as well. once were with Him in eternity and have come to know him face to face he is simply All We Will Desire, Worship, Love and Adore in Heaven for All Eternity. He is this now to us, by the presence of His Holy Spirit, while we have Glympses, portions and doses of his glorious presence. He is everything and more to us in our lives now yes we in Christ can stand sure on his promises found in his word, that we experience the glory of his presence in wonder and awe -Fully- in his awesome presence here and now in the kingdom of heaven within us and in the coming glorious eternal Kingdom of Heaven,we will be unfettered without sin, hindrance or distraction of any kind, just Him in all his Glory, Beauty, Splendor and Majesty. Selah Sacred Memoirs 2007-Present Beginnings 2015-Present

[pamphletstoinspire]

Stories of Bilocation of Padre Pio—Part I

Bilocation is a special gift of God where an individual can be in two places at once. God always uses this gift for acts of mercy or charity to be performed by the Saint, in circumstances where it is physically impossible for the Saint to be present under normal circumstances.

While the gift of bilocation has been given to countless saints. Probably one of the most frequent and documented accounts occurred relatively recently in the extraordinary life of the beloved St. Padre Pio of Pietrelcina (1887-1968).

Ellie Hunt’s family came from Padre Pio’s hometown of Pietrelcina and had known Padre Pio from his childhood. They eventually emigrated from Italy to New York. In 1960, when Ellie was 31 years old her grandfather, Jack Crafa became gravely ill. Ellie and her parents lived close to his home in Flushing, New York and during his grave illness, the family stayed by his side. When Jack eventually fell into a coma, they all knew that his life was soon passing.

One day while Ellie and her parents were at her grandfather’s bedside, a stranger knocked at the door. They were all surprised to see a Capuchin monk dressed in a dark brown habit, because there were no Capuchin monks in their Parish or in any other parish in the area for that matter. They were also surprised to see that he was wearing sandals without any socks, because it was a particularly cold day and snow covered the ground. The monk said that he had come to pray for her grandfather.

Ellie was also a bit upset, because she thought that the parish priest should have come to pray for her grandfather, and not a complete stranger. However, she was soon impressed by the kindness and compassion of the young monk.

He then went straight into her grandfather’s bedroom and blessed Jack Crafa. Then told the family to pray the Rosary suggesting that they sit at Jack’s side, praying the Hail Mary close to his ear, for he seemed to have the opinion that Jack was still able to hear. After the monk said that, Ellie was surprised to find that when she took her grandfather’s hand in hers, she felt a response from a very slight squeeze from his hand.

The young Capuchin then gave Ellie’s grandfather the Last Sacraments, then he blessed the family and bid them goodbye. As he walked out the front door, Ellie’s father, James noticed that there was no car waiting for him outside. James watched him as he walked up the street until he disappeared in the darkness. Jack Crafa died that very night. He had been in a coma for nine days.

After the unknown monk had left, Ellie’s father James became pale and appeared quite shaken. Ellie’s mother Lucy, asked him for the reason. “Don’t you know who that was?” James replied, “It was Padre Pio. He came to give the Last Rites to your father and he looked exactly like I remember him when I used to deliver eggs to him in Pietrelcina.”

For Ellie’s grandfather Jack had been one of Padre Pio’s spiritual sons from Pietrelcina and through a special grace of God, Padre Pio had come to comfort and encourage him, and to administer the last Sacraments of the Church, for his death was only hours away.

In another example, Signora Concetta Bellarmini of St. Vito Lanciano declares that she was suddenly stricken with a blood infection followed by bronchial pneumonia with a very high fever. She was reduced to such a state that the doctors despaired of ever saving her. The flesh had become yellow from the infection which had spread throughout her body.

A relative urged her to direct her prayers to Padre Pio. She prayed to him whom she has never seen, when suddenly in full daylight a stigmatized monk appeared to her and smiling blessed her without touching her as he stood in the middle of the room. The woman asked him if his appearance signified the grace for the conversion of her children, or else the grace for her physical cure. Then Padre answered, "Sunday morning you will be cured," then he vanished from the room, leaving an odor of perfume which the servant girl also smelt. After this visit her flesh turned normal color, the fever ceased and in a few days her health was completely restored. She went with her brother to San Giovanni Rotondo to see if Padre Pio was the one who appeared to her. When she arrived at the Monastery and saw Padre Pio in the church she turned to her brother and said, "There he is, he is the one."

Signor Bugarini Arturo of Ancona was urged by friends to turn to Padre Pio for the cure of his boy. Whilst he was standing near the bedside of his critically ill son he felt three consecutive taps on his shoulder, whilst a voice said: "I am Padre Pio, I am Padre Pio, I am Padre Pio." At the same time he felt all over his body a wave of heat as if he were next to an intense flame, then all of a sudden it ceased. This visit of Padre Pio restored the health of the son. Father and son visited the monastery to thank Padre Pio for the miraculous cure and the spiritual conversion of the father and all the Bugarini family.

On July 20, 1921, a Monsignor D'Indico of Florence, whom this author met in 1923 when studying theology at the Archbishop's Seminary at Florence, was alone in his study. He felt the sensation of having someone at his back. He turned and saw a monk who disappeared. He left his quarters to tell a chaplain what happened. The chaplain thought it was mere hallucination due to his actual state of anxiety over his sister, who was very ill. He invited him to take a short walk for mental distraction.

When they returned they called at the sick room. His sister who a little before was in the state of coma, at the same hour as when her brother felt the sensation of being in the presence of Padre Pio, narrated that she had seen a monk enter her room who approached her and said: "Don't be afraid, tomorrow your fever will disappear and after a few days there will be no trace of your illness on your body."

"But Padre," she answered, "are you then a saint?"

"No, I am only a creature who serves the Lord through His mercies."

"Let me kiss your habit, Padre."

"Kiss the sign of the passion," and he showed his hands transfixed and bleeding.

"Padre, I recommend to you my husband and child." "Pray, pray that you will be good and be assured that your child will be under my protection," and blessing her he vanished. She immediately got better and in eight days was entirely cured.

One day a monk who was speaking about the bilocation of St. Anthony of Padua who miraculously appeared in Lisbon, said to Padre Pio: "Perhaps these privileged of the Lord do not even know when their bilocation occurs: 'Padre Pio quickly interrupting him as one who is experienced with such events answered: "Certainly they know.

They cannot know if the body or the soul moves, but they are very conscious of what happens and they know where they are going."

While World War II was raging throughout Europe, one day General Cadorna, a General in the Italian Army, was in his study during the war and in deep study he held his head in his hands, thinking of all the young men who, for the love of country would have to give up their lives, when suddenly he smelt a very strong perfume odor of roses which was wafted around the room. Raising his venerable head, he was stupefied to see a monk with a seraphic look and with bleeding hands. Passing in front of him, the monk said, "Be calm, they will not do anything harmful to you."

With the disappearance of the monk, the general no longer smelled the perfume. He told a Franciscan friend about the vision and when he mentioned the perfume the Franciscan said, "Your excellency, you have seen Padre Pio." Then he told the general all about Padre Pio. The general decided to visit San Giovanni and when he arrived there incognito, he was immediately approached by two Capuchins, who had recognized the general even though he was trying to disguise himself in civilian clothing. They approached him and said, "Your Excellency, Padre Pio is waiting for you. He sent us to meet you."

Emma Meneghello, a very pious young girl of 14, was afflicted with epilepsy which threw her into fits several times a week. One afternoon whilst in prayer, Padre Pio appeared to her and placed his hand on the bed sheet, then smiled and vanished. The cured epileptic arose to kiss the place where the Padre had placed his hand and she noticed a cross of blood left on the sheet. A small square cut of the sheet with the blood stains is conserved today in a glass picture frame. "Through the intercession of Padre Pio,"

writes this miraculously cured girl, "I have obtained other graces, especially for dying babies."

Mrs. Ersilia Magurno, a woman of great faith, for two months was taking care of her husband, who was stricken with influenza. This illness would not have given alarm were it not that he was also afflicted with a very weak heart. Night and day helped by a nun, the wife was watching her husband with every possible care, whilst praying and invoking Padre Pio. He grew worse and the doctors advised that the last rites be given to him because of the very alarming failure of his heart.

One night the wife noticed in the room a strong perfume of flowers. The next morning, however, a worse condition prevailed and the dying man was approaching his end. A telegram begged Padre Pio's intercession. Two days later Mr. Magurno entered the state of coma. The wife did not give up hope and sent a second telegram. Finally the 27th of Feb., 1947, the sick man after a day of prolonged crisis fell asleep. The nun was away and the wife remained alone to watch him and at midnight she noticed that his sleep was more restful than usual. At 7:30 in the morning, noticing that he was awakening, she rushed to his side and said, "How do you feel?"

I am cured, I am well. Padre Pio just left the room; open the window please and take my temperature." It was entirely normal.

"Ernesto," asked the astonished wife, anxious to hear and to know. "What are you saying? Have you seen Padre Pio? And what, did he tell you?"

“He came together with another monk, he examined my heart and said, 'This fever will go away, tomorrow you will be cured and within four days you can get up.'

“Padre Pio looked around, examined the medicines, read the medical reports and remained in the room all night." To confirm this miracle a strong odor of violets was observed in the room.

Five months later on July 27 the couple went to San Giovanni and Mr. Magurno immediately recognized Padre Pio as the monk who cured him. Padre Pio received him with fond greetings and placing his hand on his shoulder said to him: "How much this heart has made you suffer."

"Go away child for you have been cured."

We must not think that Padre Pio arrives always unexpectedly at the bedside of the sick, for at times he announced in advance the time of his coming. Once a little sick girl told her parents the approximate hour of his arrival, and the parents in their simplicity not understanding the phenomenon went to meet him at the railroad station. When they returned to the child disappointed, they found her asleep.

"Padre Pio didn't come," her mother said sadly, as soon as she saw her waking.

"Why he just left!," the child answered. A young girl, cured also providentially from a grave infirmity, desired to test the power of Padre Pio and she came to him feigning the infirmity that once afflicted her.

“Go away child," he said, striking her jokingly on the shoulder, "go away for you are quite cured and be careful that you never again tempt the mercy of the Lord."

He miraculously appears to baptize a baby as promised.

A couple from Genoa visited Padre Pio to sadly tell him that they had no children. "Bring him to me to be baptized when he is born," was his answer. From this reply and many other similar ones we discover that Padre Pio was often able to foretell the sex of an unborn child.

The following year the fortunate couple returned with their baby boy, but in the Church of Our Lady of Grace there was no baptismal font and there was such a crowd in the church that they could not reach Padre Pio. The mother remained in the Parish House of San Giovanni Rotondo one mile away, whilst the father went to the monastery to protest that Padre Pio had invited them to come there, otherwise they would not have come. He waited and his wait was in vain. He returned to the Parish House to learn from his wife that even though Padre Pio at the time specified was very preoccupied with the people had come and baptized the baby.

In a city of central Italy a teacher and ex-secretary of a Fascist organization was accused of having furnished arms and bombs to the Fascisti, who perpetrated an explosion that killed military and civilians. But the teacher was innocent. Taken by force from her home to be tried and shot she succeeded in bringing with her a Rosary and a photograph of Padre Pio. They conducted her to observe the destruction and to see the spectacle of the dead whose death they attributed to her. They then brought her to the place of execution.

Meanwhile some members of the firing squad entered her home with the pretext of searching for arms. Instead they began stealing money, objects of gold, clothing, until all of a sudden there thundered a shout, “Enough,” so resolutely and imperiously that the soldiers fled abandoning their loot.

The sister of the condemned girl watching the whole scene cringing in a corner recognized in the shouting of "Enough," the voice of Padre Pio.

The order to aim and fire had been suspended because of the arrival of an interminable column of armored cars, horses, cannon, ambulances and marching troops. The commander of the firing squad remained standing on a car as if hypnotized.

The young teacher could hardly breathe as she reflected that her hour would come when the last soldier passed by. She began to pray to Padre Pio for the grace of seeing God's will in her execution. A gentleman approached her and asked what they had decided to do with her.

“I don't know, I no longer know anything, they are all away, there is only the commander there," as she pointed him out with a facial expression full of horror.

He was motionless as if cemented to his post. “Then consider yourself free and come with me."

He brought her in his automobile to her home where many women were comforting her grief stricken sister. The condemned girl threw herself into her sister's arms and then taking a picture of Padre Pio from the wall, kissed it and pressed it to her heart. In that instant she felt a hand gently patting her cheek.

A few months later the teacher went to San Giovanni to thank her savior.

“Padre," she said, “my life will not be enough to thank you." He said: “My child, how much your faith caused me to run."

-St Pio of Pietrelcina, pray for us!

Click below for downloadable pamphlet

Bilocation and Padre Pio - Part 1

https://docs.wixstatic.com/ugd/a84285_e25a8cf1aed44b148c81ba1d25a2dce1.pdf

[nymianscholar]

Backstory post

Nemi Sakuya was born to Kazahana Sakuya and Ayumu Tomonaga in approximately 6AE 1556, 21 years prior to the beginning of the 2.0 main story.

(By my standard for canon that puts her at 24 when Heavensward begins, and approximately 26 by Stormblood)

To understand Nemi we have to reach back about 60 years, and over to a different continent.

Chidori was born into abject poverty. As a toddler she was sold to the highest bidder at auction. Depending on your definition of lucky, you could say that Chidori was “lucky” to avoid being raised into prostitution. Instead, she was purchased by an assassin’s guild.

Almost as soon as she could walk, she began her education in the art of murder. By them time she was a teenager she had earned the title “Sakuya” - written with the characters for ‘night of the new moon’ - a name meant to signify the deepest darkness in which she operated.

The guild was active on both sides of the Garlean invasion, much to Chidori’s chagrin. Nevertheless, she complied with orders. For the most part.

Kazahana Sakuya was born a little after the invasion. Her parentage is not entirely clear, as it’s not uncommon for guild members to seek physical comfort from one another. She was raised in much the same manner as her mother, and looked set to take her place.

Perhaps Kazahana would have become the true Sakuya, had she not limped into a remote barn one night after a fight with a particularly cunning mark. She was discovered in short order then next morning when the farmer’s son stuck a pitchfork in the pile of hay she was sleeping in, coming uncomfortably close to skewering her.

Despite her protests, the Tomonaga family cared for her until she was capable of travelling again. She found herself intrigued by the cheerful Ayumu - even though he had almost accidentally killed her - and took to visiting the family whenever she was in the area.

They talked frequently of fleeing, both the war and the guild. Ayumu had never fought before, but apparently several of his ancestors had been powerful spellcasters. Kazahana laughed at this - the thought of the gangly man doing anything other than tending a garden was bizarre.

Eventually, Kazahana fell pregnant and they decided to put their dreams into action to protect their unborn child. She contacted an acquaintance from the Doman resistance and they were soon squished into a box on a Garlean freighter, bound for the frontline at Ala Mhigo.

They managed to enter the city-state without much trouble, but neither of the pair had money. The plan was to wait until contacts in a far-off snowy place called Ishgard could find them, but they’d been warned that could take months or even years (and even then, they’d more than likely have their request for asylum denied). The only job Ayumu could find was hard labour in the fields, which he was at least mostly familiar with.

Kazahana washed dishes at the Ala Mhigan barracks for a pittance, and pilfered scraps from the garbage when she could. She shared their food with the local street urchins, earning her the ardent affections of a young Lalafellan girl named Momochi Mochi.

Momochi, or “Momo” for short, was about twelve years old when she met Kazahana and, always the pragmatist, she saw an opportunity and ran with it. The strange lizard woman was offering her food, and at this point in her life, food was everything to Momo. She loved being fed, and she grew to love her new family, too.

Nemi was born in early spring, under the sign of the Warden. The small family lived quite happily together for the first year of her life - until the Ala Mhigan army fell.

Border security had tightened considerably shortly after they’d arrived, but the chaos allowed more than the Garlean army to slip through. While they were packing their meagre belongings in preparation to flee, a guild member attacked and killed Ayumu. Kazahana engaged the attacker in order to buy time for Momo to flee with the infant Nemi.

Both Nemi’s parents and their attacker died along with Ala Mhigo’s freedom. Kazahana’s death was not confirmed for several months, until Momo managed to make contact with other Ala Mhigan refugees. She spent those first few months lingering in the Shroud, refusing to give up hope that her friend had survived.

Not wanting to follow the other refugees to Thanalan, Momo managed to pick up a courier job and brought her sister to La Noscea. Once there she sweet-talked her way into a job serving at an inn. The primary benefit was that they offered her food and room in exchange for her service, and so Nemi grew up under the tables at the bar.

Once the young au ri girl had the wherewithal to feed and care for herself, Momo left her job at the bar and moved to labouring on the merchant ships. Nemi learned to love books, as she rarely left their room. Neither of them were entirely sure what to do about her appearance, and they both feared what might happen if she strayed too far unsupervised. Having spent most of her life swept up in a robe six sizes to big to hide her horns and tail, Nemi turned to studying magic in the hopes of finding a way to disguise herself.

She started small, with glamouring clothing for others. It also doubled as a nice way to make a few gil, since the money Momo sent home wasn’t much. But Nemi persevered, and was eventually able to cobble together a spell capable of altering her physical form using research on Sylphic aetherial manipulation. The “glamour”, for lack of a better word, would require the ability to control aether with utmost precision if she were to keep it up indefinitely, and so she began using the few hours of freedom her unstable disguise bought to study at the arcanist’s guild.

Nemi quickly discovered an aptitude for arcany. She was able to summon a carbuncle companion with little fuss and soon mastered the fundamentals. With practical experience in using aether she was able to stabilise her glamour to the point that keeping it up was as natural as breathing. She grew to love arcany and the complex intermingling of aether and academic theory - in particular the Lifestream. Yearning to learn more about magic, she asked Momo to send her whatever texts she found on her travels.

Nemi’s life was mostly uneventful until the Calamity, during which she saw the same vision of falling meteors that many across Eorzea reported. She began to hear a faint voice, and would sometimes see things from other points in time. Thinking this to be symptoms of a sickness contracted during the strange aetheric conditions of the Calamity, she threw herself into research.

It quickly became apparent that she would not be able to learn all that she sought from the comfort of Limsa, and so she set about refining her combat abilities. Her combat ability and research caught the eye of both the Maelstrom and the Scions, and she soon found herself pursuing a captain into the depths of the Sastasha Seagrot as a Lominsan envoy.

This would be the incident that changed her life - the day that she met Lahen Al’nebar and Lorven Sylver. The three were initially violently opposed to cooperation, and stuck together only to ensure that their shared reward would not be unfairly spent. Fate, however, had other plans and ensured that they would be companions for life.

The three formally joined the Scions shortly afterwards, and quickly became the closest of friends.

After the Garlean attack on the Waking Sands, Nemi and her companions fled to Coerthas. There the high levels of aetheric interference caused her glamour to fail. Though she expected her companions to be repulsed, she was surprised to learn that Lahen’s uncle was au ri.

Coerthas proved to be a transformative time in Nemi’s life. She met another au ri for the first time in her memory, and met the man she would fall in love with. Though it wasn’t quite love at first sight, Nemi quickly fell for the abundant kindness of the Lord of Camp Dragonhead, Haurchefant Greystone. Though events would soon take her far from Coerthas, she returned frequently to spend time with him, and to speak with Lahen’s uncle Sengun Al’nebar about Doma.

After Haurchefant’s death, Nemi fell into a terrible depression. She cut herself off from her friends and threw herself into aetheric research with the intent of unlocking enough power to destroy the Heavensward. During their final confrontation she used the fruits of her research to enter an altered state of Dreadwyrm Trance fuelled by her own life force. The state unleashed her fury, and she fought with claws made of pure aether. Sustaining such a thing would have killed her, had she not hallucinated the voice of her lost love. She collapsed, and was unconscious until after Nidhogg’s rebirth.

Following the events of Heavensward Nemi fled to Limsa. Ashamed of her actions after Haurchefant’s death and her disregard for the life he has saved, she assumed the name Suzu and posed as a bard. She spent a year piecing herself back together before returning to her friends, who were amazed to find her unharmed.

Nemi has an affinity for creatures of various sorts, and has had limited success in taming them and keeping them as pets. She’s somewhat infamous for having a large following of goobues in Coerthas. She is also fiercely protective of the Tonberries of the Wanderer’s Palace, to the point of stubbornness.

When studying she often gets to engrossed in the subject matter that she forgets to eat. She can get so caught up in whatever she’s thinking or doing that she doesn’t consider the consequences, and can wind up hurting people as a result. She’s also prone to flights of fancy, preferring her idealised take on events to whatever is actually happening. Despite these qualities, she is capable of pulling herself together in times of need.

Nemi is prone to taking things very personally, and blaming herself for things that are clearly not her fault. Conversely, once she decides something, she’s very difficult to sway. This is best demonstrated by her ongoing hatred of Mhach for the harm they caused her Nymian friends.