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overwatch-does-stuff · 4 years ago

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Lindholm Family Headcanon Dump!

I know Michael Chu retracted the statement that Torbjorn has a bunch of kids, but Chu just quit so I make the rules now. It’s a LONG post under the cut because I got carried away. Mostly starring Torbjorn, but featuring Ingrid, Reinhardt, and Brigitte (plus a bunch of other kiddos that exist but I don’t have headcanon names for yet oops.) There won’t be any Bastion in this one because that’s an entire other post’s worth of content.

- Torb has a big family. He and Ingrid had a couple children of their own while he had a stable position in Overwatch, but they found out that they loved having little children around the house, so after all of their biological children moved out, they chose to volunteer in the foster system! This lead to them adopting at least four more kids. - Which means they drive a huge van everywhere. - Both Ingrid and Torbjorn are masters at driving as a result. - They’re exactly equivalent in skill with one exception: Ingrid can parallel park the van, a skill he has yet to figure.

- Their house is pretty big (the Overwatch paycheck paid well, that, along with Ingrid’s income,) so there’s plenty of room for all of them. - There’s three levels: upstairs (for the bedrooms and playrooms,) downstairs (for entertaining spaces/the kitchen and stuff,) and finally, the basement, which is Torbjorn’s personal workshop. - Most third world countries would kill to have a workshop as good as his. - It’s all because Ingrid spoils him so much. He gets just as excited for Christmas as his kiddos do. - “The latest arc welder? Aww, honey, you shouldn’t have!” - Ingrid doesn’t work in his field, but she listens to his special interests dumps, and puts in enough research of her own, that she knows just what to get him every year. - Ingrid doesn’t like getting gifts as much as he does, so for Christmas, he always makes sure to spend quality time with her. He jokes that he ‘sucks at planning dates’ but he really doesn’t! For her, it’s nothing but the top restaurants and most exciting experiences. She loves going ice skating in particular, something that he hates but will always do with her. - Torbjorn and Ingrid split the cooking equally. They’re a bit traditionally gendered with what they like to cook, with Torb leaning more towards grilling and Ingrid preferring baking, but it suits them just fine. - Their grill, along with every other cooking contraption in the house, has been upgraded in some way. In fact, Torb’s the one who grills only because Ingrid still can’t figure out how to use the damn thing since he upgraded it. - Their house is covered in contraptions of all sorts. Other than the grill, Ingrid utilizes every single one of them. Meals get served and sent around via chutes. The floors sweep and mop themselves automatically when they’re dirty. The dishwasher loads, washes, and unloads itself in record time. - You know the zany contraptions in the Addam’s family house? Think that, but more brightly colored. - However, Ingrid’s taste in interior decorating is the opposite of gothic or minimalist- she loves quirky, unique features and bright colors. - She loves thrifting. - The huge chair they got for Reinhardt in the living room was a thrift store find that she’s still very proud of. - She also has an old-fashioned “live laugh love” wall with all of the family portraits. She knows it’s cheesy, but it’s nostalgic for her. - She doesn’t just bring furniture home. She also brings home cats. - That’s right. Brigitte got her cat love from Ingrid. - It’s a long-standing tradition, with the first cat she brought home was over thirty years ago when they were a new couple. - Torbjorn swore that it would be her cat and that he wouldn’t take care of it. - He was wrong. - Very wrong. - He now loves his cats and calls them cutesy nicknames in whatever language he feels like in the moment. - He built them automated feeders, automated litter boxes, and even some automated toys. He spoils them rotten. - Every time Ingrid brings home a new cat it’s the same routine. He swears that this will be the last one and that he’s not taking care of this one! But that’s wrong and he knows it. - But, because Ingrid’s always bringing things home, she’s a little more tolerant when Torbjorn brings. . . a specific Omnic. . . home.

- But that’s a whole other fanfic that I would need to write, so instead, back to the parenting! - Ingrid is 100% a feral soccer mom. Torbjorn is just as bad. - They’re the ones screaming their lungs out at sports games. - They have a house rule where their kids have to participate in one extracurricular sport. It can be school teams, club teams, or even just working out on their own, but fitness is something that both Ingrid and Torb consider important. - Torbjorn, of course, built his own gym in the basement. He trained with Brigitte, and now he trains with another one of his daughters who’s taken an interest in weight-lifting. - But this all doesn’t mean that the Lindholms discourage more creative talents! - Torbjorn crafted a giant steel board where any arts and crafts get hung with magnets. One of his little boys is an artist and he couldn’t be more proud. - Brigitte experimented with metal art when she was a teenager, and many of her pieces are now permanent fixtures in the Lindholm home. - She crafted a particularly beautiful string of lights that hangs above the dining room table.

- Now it’s time for Uncle Reinhardt!!! - Okay, so maybe he’s called just ‘Reinhardt’ by the older kiddos, but everyone knows he’s essentially an uncle in all but blood. - He’s been invited to every holiday celebration for about. . . actually, he’s just always been there. - He’s a true multi-generational staple. Brigitte can’t remember a holiday without him, and now the younger kiddos are getting doted on by him every Christmas. - Rein loves telling stories for the children. He spends the entire car ride there planning his multi-hour epics. - Now that she’s older, Brigitte sometimes helps with the storytelling, contributing sound effects and such. - Something which just causes Torbjorn to laugh and shake his head. - Reinhardt also loves nothing more than being a walking jungle gym. As soon as he walks in the door, he’ll grab the nearest kiddo and put them on his shoulders. He’s often seen walking around with a kid in each arm and usually an extra hanging off his back. - Sometimes he gives Ingrid a heart attack when he starts throwing kids around, but hey, she’s known him long enough at this point that she (mostly) trusts him. - Everyone gets sad when Reinhardt has to leave, but he insists that there is justice that needs to be done. He soothes the kiddos by promising an even better story when he gets back.

- Now it’s time to get sad. . . here’s my Brigitte headcanons. . . - Brigitte was REALLY close with her father growing up. She spent so much of her time in his workshop learning from him, as one of the only Lindholm children to take a liking to machinery and engineering. - However, when she moved out. . . she found it difficult to escape his legacy. Everyone, many of the older industry professionals and the like, expected her to be just like her father. They tried to cajole her into finishing old weapons designs that Torbjorn had abandoned. - It was then that she learned the full extent of Torbjorn’s involvement in the Omnic Crisis. - She had a lot of trouble reconciling this news with her love for him. It’s still something she had great difficulty with. - This shock played a big part in her decision to give up on finding a job in the industry and instead accompany Reinhardt on his travels. - It wasn’t a decision that Torbjorn endorsed, which hurt their relationship even further. - But it’s not like he doesn’t try to keep in touch. They call every other weekend or so to catch up, but there’s always a tension between them that neither one is ready to address. - They will talk about it someday. They’ll figure things out. They care about each other too much for either one to give up. - In the meantime, though, Brigitte has gotten a lot closer with her mother. She calls her much more often. - They talk about all of the things that Brigitte wasn’t all that interested in when she was younger. Stuff like fashion, makeup, and more traditional advice, such as how to get a date or what it feels like to fall in love. - Ingrid also makes sure to show her how the cats are doing over the online call.

- To be truthful, Ingrid isn’t too worried about Brigitte’s decision to live the rough-and-tumble lifestyle. It reminds her a lot of her own young adulthood, where she decided to pick up everything and move to the big city to get away from her parents. - She’s quick to remind Torbjorn that her own little rebellion is how they came to meet whenever he gets worried about Brigitte’s decision. - (They met at Ironclad. The only job Ingrid could find after her big move was working secretary. She fell head-over-heels for him immediately, while it took him a while to warm up.) - (Their first date was just walking around the city, with Torbjorn talking almost the entire time about random things he saw. He’d see the newest cars on the street and dive into what he knew about that industry. They’d pass by a construction sight and he’d point out what tool designs were similar to the ones he was working on.) - (When he realized that she was actually listening to him and taking him seriously, he agreed to a second date and never looked back.) - They aren’t a perfect couple- they’ve had their fair share of arguments, especially because they’re both deeply stubborn, but they’re always able to work it out in a way that makes them both happy. That skill is why they’ve lasted so long. - One thing they’ve never argued about, though, is Torbjorn’s commitment to duty. When they started dating he made it clear that his work was very important to him. Ingrid made it clear that she was willing to be patient. - It got hard when he was away for months at a time with Overwatch during the Crisis and its aftermath, but through constant online calls they managed. - The biggest surprise of Ingrid’s life was when he told her he wanted to have kids when the Crisis ended. - Turns out, having a major life crisis about how your career impacted the world makes someone want to find another purpose in life besides their career. - And thus, they dove into parenthood together. - Now they both couldn’t be happier :)

#overwatch #torbjorn lindholm #overwatch torbjorn #ingrid lindholm #reinhardt #overwatch brigitte #brigitte lindholm #I have so many feelings about Torbjorn and his family. . .#I'm not sure this is very articulate but eh #who cares #it's content

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antiquecompass · 5 years ago

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It’d been close to a year since he’d started dating Aidan. A wonderful year. A year that had brought him more joy than he thought possible. But Christmas and Aidan’s birthday on the 27th were looming at him now, along with that one-year anniversary. He had no clue what to get him for either day and this was one time his sisters couldn’t help him.

So he decided to go to Aidan’s sisters, well, one sister in particular.

The entire Delaney clan had come to Lenox for Thanksgiving. Wen Ning had survived the weekend solely because Aidan made sure he could easily escape to have time to himself. Wen Ning just needed the alone time to recharge before heading back out to be social. The Delaneys were very loud and very affectionate and, honestly, very welcoming. Too welcoming sometimes which is why Wen Ning had a few moments where the room felt too small and too enclosed. And yet, somehow, Aidan or Aisling or Finn or Una were always there to get him to a quiet, empty space.

He really did love them. All of them. Even the ones he’d just met for the first time this weekend.

He’d just wished they’d all collectively stopped trying to shove food at him. He didn’t have the heart to refuse any of them and was beyond full. He’d never been so thankful that Wen Qing had come to Aidan’s house and personally made sure he had a Wen Qing approved first aid and medicine cabinet. The economy sized bottle of Tums had become his best friend.

Cate was the sibling closest to Aidan in age. The eldest of ten siblings, her oldest daughter was the same age as Finn. She’d been the first of the non-Lenox Delaneys to meet him and of the grown-siblings was the one he’d grown closest to. Cate was going to be the next head of Delaney Detailing and Repair and she knew more about car specs and how to rebuild an engine block from scrap than anyone he’d ever met.

She was also Aidan’s best friend, and therefore, the logical place to start.

“No clue what to get him for his birthday, right?” she asked as Wen Ning approached her in the finally cleared-out kitchen.

“And Christmas,” he admitted.

Cate sighed. “Yeah, Aidan’s one of those. ‘Oh, I don’t need anything! Just get me a gift card! Or make a donation in my name!’ assholes.” She shook her head. “Bullshit, I say. Like, yeah, that’s fine for people like Great Aunt Betty who still thinks we’re teenagers, but it’s different when you’re dating the guy.”

“Yes,” Wen Ning agreed. “And I’ve done the donations, and an entire round of gift cards for the station’s favorite restaurants and for the grocery store for their in-house meals. And, of course, I have a collection of little things I’ve bought over the year. Just tiny things that reminded me of him. I figured I’d give him that for our anniversary, but for the other two. I’m at a loss. He doesn’t like fancy watches because he can’t use them for work and they’ll get ruined. He only wears the one cologne, and everyone gives that to him.”

“Guilty,” Cate admitted.

“He just upgraded the tv for this weekend, so that’s out.”

“And he’d have an actual heart attack if you bought him something so pricey,” Cate said.

“And ties, cuff links, those are out. He never wears them. Your mother and the Trio have him covered on loungewear. He doesn’t play video games because that’s not how he spends his free time. Your father is buying him a new Kindle.”

“Yeah, Pop called dibs on that one,” Cate agreed.

“So the only ideas I’m left with are a new Bruins jersey, the throwback ones that just came out, and a new pair of Jordans because he refuses to buy them for himself even though he stares them down every time we’re near a Footlocker.”

Cate pointed at him with a stalk of celery. “Those are both perfect ideas! There you go! Get them before anyone else can. I’ll update the group chat.”

Wen Ning shook his head. “They’re not special enough,” he said.

Cate patted his shoulder. “Look, you’re never going to out-sentimental Aidan when it comes to gifts. I swear to god, he learned how to do that stupid wood engraving just to shows us all up in the gift-giving department. Everyone thinks he’s this sweet little angel, but he’s got a competitive streak a mile wide when it comes to the family.”

Wen Ning had seen it, in person, during game nights. He quite liked it, if he was being completely honest. Aidan’s eyes shone with the thrill of victory, even over something as small as winning at-home Jeopardy!

“And honestly, Ning, he’s stupidly in love with you. Like, you could give him a friggin’ plate of cookies alone and he’d start sending texts to the entire family about how amazing and talented you are. He’ll love anything you give him, so no pressure. Really. He’d hate to think you’re agonizing over it.”

They were kind words, especially from Cate who rivaled his own sister at No Bullshit, but he still couldn’t help but worry.

“Seriously, you could give him a coupon for Free Hugs and he’d kiss you and thank you and insist the coupon never expired. You. Have. Got. This.”

**********

Wen Ning didn’t like driving the Expedition. It was just <i>too</i> big, but it was the only vehicle that could easily and safely transport the Trio between Aidan, his cousin Chris, and Wen Ning. And it did have the rearview camera, which helped, along with Wen Ning’s supportive group of backseat drivers.

They all wanted to go shopping for presents, and since Aidan had taken the weekend day shifts, Wen Ning had offered to take the Trio.

“So, when are you moving in?” Una asked.

“Una, not while he’s driving,” Finn said. “Do you want us all to die?”

“What?” she asked. “He’s always at our house anyway.”

“Yeah, because of us, dumbass,” Finn said.

“Don’t call your sister that,” Wen Ning said, looking at them in the rearview mirror.

“Sorry,” Finn muttered.

“I’m not the one you need to apologize to,” Wen Ning said.

Finn rolled his eyes, but he still turned to Una. “I’m sorry.”

“Whatever,” Una said. “My point stands.”

Aisling remained quiet, but she met his eyes in the rearview mirror and shrugged.

“It’s a little soon,” Wen Ning said. “Maybe if we’re still together in a few years, we’ll talk about it.”

“If?” Aisling asked.

“Years?” Finn followed.

“It’s not something to take lightly,” he explained as he headed towards the mall. “Especially in our situation. We’d need to find a bigger house. We’d need to find a place that allowed cats and hamsters, if we decide to rent instead of own. I need somewhere with a big enough yard or basement for practice. And then there’s all the financial stuff. Rents or mortgages and utilities. Not to mention discussions such as what furniture you keep, give away, or buy.” He gave them a sad smile. “It’s not very romantic, I know.”

“Don’t you love Aidan?” Una asked.

That was enough to make him pull over to the side of the road, put it in park, and turn around to stare at the three of them.

“Of course I do,” he said. “I’ve never loved anyone the way I love your brother, but we both have other obligations and not unending sources of wealth like the Lans or the Jiangs. We have to be a little more cautious.”

Wen Ning didn’t say that he’d been waiting for the other shoe to drop for months. That he was waiting for Aidan to decided that hey, maybe a former pro-athlete and current gym teacher--a Wen--wasn’t the best place to lay his love and affection.

He also knew if Aidan ever found out he was thinking that he’d see either one or all of the three faces of Aidan he couldn’t stomach: 1) rare anger 2) disappointment and 3) heartbreakingly sad.

But they hadn’t talked about the future, not in any great detail. They hadn’t talked about the reality of combining their lives, even if they were already so intertwined. And Wen Ning really didn’t want to have that conversation via proxy of the Trio.

“Whenever you decide it’s time, you have our approval,” Aisling said.

“Totally,” Finn agreed.

“And our support,” Una said.

“Thanks, kiddos,” he said. “That means a lot.”

**********

Find your stance. Relax your grip. Notch the arrow. Place your fingers. Draw. Aim. Release. Over and over and over again. Some people had meditation. Some had yoga. Wen Ning had archery.

The reason he’d invested in this house was because of the large basement, long enough and wide enough for a small in-home range. When he’d bought it, he had no real future in mind. It was just him then. He didn’t even have Mr. Tumnus.

Stance. Grip. Notch. Place. Draw. Aim. Release. Repeat.

He had a vision of a future now. A husband. Kids. A place for Chris to work on his art. Guest rooms for their family. A backyard range. No dogs, of course. Maybe more cats. Maybe something else like a ferret.

Stance. Grip. Notch. Place. Draw. Aim. Release. Repeat.

Aidan. His vision for that future was Aidan.

“Hold your fire, Hawkeye.”

Wen Ning dropped his stance. Aidan?

“Aidan?” he said, turning around in surprise.

Aidan grinned at him, still in his uniform.

“The Trio?” he asked.

Aidan shrugged. “Ma’s staying in town a few extra days. So, mind if I crash here for a bit?”

Wen Ning carefully placed his bow and arrow to the side then bound over to Aidan who laughed and caught him.

It was so rare for them to have time completely to themselves.

“I’m taking this as a yes,” Aidan said.

“Mmmhnn,” Wen Ning hummed into his mouth.

Aidan laughed, carefully walking them over to the old, battered couch.

“So, what’s this I hear about if we’re still together in a few years?”

Wen Ning buried his head in the safe space between Aidan’s neck and shoulder.

“Sweetheart,” Aidan said in his distinctive Southie accent. “You get this deer in the headlights look when I try to talk about the future, so I didn’t want to spook you. But I’m here. For you. For it all. Okay? River deep, mountain high, remember?”

“I remember,” Wen Ning said, Those words and that song, the first time Aidan told him he loved him. “It’s still too soon.”

“I know you think that and I respect it,” Aidan said. “So you take your time. I’ll still be right here. Right next to you.”

“You only have a binder full of listings, don’t you?” Wen Ning asked.

“You can’t prove nothing,” Aidan said.

#long post #fandom: the untamed #my ridic writing #verse: lahl #fic: river deep mountain high #wen ning

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eekispyykes · 5 years ago

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Mr Sparklepuff Feline Obituary 5.1.2020/Abridged

Mr Puffs 4-2002- 5-1-2020

by Michael Bench

Mr Puffs was an excellent friend and adventurous hiker. He loved to be outdoors. A ferocious mouser ; he did an arc'ing jump on mice and chipmunks from 2 clumps of brush away. The porch frankly stank from all his gifts. An amazing climber and very fast sprinter crossing a square acre in about 3.5sec. Some would ask why he was named as such and close friends know the whole story. A primary point was so people had a good vibe about him and would let him be. In the past two years he had cancer of the face that spread. He had been treated with surgery to remove the tumor. At a shade over 18yo, he set to rest as every night he was shivvering in normal home temp and couldn't keep weight on; refusing to leave the couch; hating being put in pet clothes/infant flannel.

2017-2020 were tough years for him adjusting to a new stray friend we “adopted” from the wild. They were startingn to get along. It played into the stress.I feel bad about this. it split us up somewhat. My younger cat was more forceful about claiming me. It weighs on me; Frankly it seemed like a few rape attempts also that difficulted the social cue of ‘normal cat spooning”.. Mr Puffs was able to get out on a van ride of Fogelsville,PA about three months ago. He also gave some love to his plush hedgehog toy. He gave it a consensual drilling every once a while or daily.

What you should know about Mr Puffs:

:My grilling deputy and trout inspector

:Loved to play the mysterious thing under blanket or newspaper game

:Love to play the mysterious tapping fingers under the many basement stairs game

:Fine taste in music and loved being my karaoke fan. Love you buddy. Not very keen on Tv after Keenan Michael Keys left Animal Planet's morning show.

:Enjoyed less usual faire like potatoes and adored bbq chicken pizza; he could handle medium wings. He WAS WARNED each time and kept him away from it till it was obvious he wanted it. Honey ham, turkey, .. and salami**. Mind you, he has never been overweight and was complimented by his first vet for muscle tone. It's his compliment to own.

:Enjoyed jumping apartment building gaps while in town: we had to rough it for a month in a storage facility after an unexpected eviction.. which we then would go for walks 1a-3a to get his exercise and water the landscape mulch at 11th street Fred Meyers. There's a little marsh back behind the store that became our little daytime haven.

:His Hiking career started in Eugene, OR. We would go night walking ,w/o a leash and whenever someone was coming he would detour off the sidewalk and into the nearest house’s bushes.. This was optimal because he would get back on the lit sidewalk and learn to keep course. This advanced to 5-7 mile hikes from U Oregon campus to Hendrix park and back. One trip such trip he was panting so he didn’t really want to run away anywhere or into traffic fortunately.. The sun had come out of the cloud cover and heated things up above the usual. We stopped at an icecream place on the way back on the edge of campus: Agate and 19th. Even though he was tired, he was a smart and collected guy. so he slinked to the back of the shop till I came back out..It was like escorting the supermodel of manly cats. It was at this time I knew leashes or more distant locations were necessary.

:While we were driving back to Pennsylvania, he decided to have a playfrenzy on the dashboard while I was in heavy traffic nearabouts of Nebraska/Rushmore on the interstate.

:Short story : Since he now had room in the yard to runaround Puffs tested his speed and momentum to get up tree trunks. Our front yard had a medium sized maple oak something. Mr Puffs ran up the tree and alarmed a family of nesting doves. The doves and Mr Puffs seemed to flee the tree foilage each in horizontal directions at about 8ft off the ground.

:Other than a shoulder injury from a fight of somesort, he was very durable. His parent's owners had coined him 'Jaco” after the famous bass player.. A green -eyed Russian Blue tuxedo, angular white paws. with little white hairs across his coat. At times I also referred to him as “Cactus Jack”. Massive front incisors like a miniature sabertooth. I pitied the rabbits who he caught which were still squealing.

:Another Short Story. I coaxed my mom to live a little and put that front addition on the house she always wanted. She got an enclosed porch. Theres an open porch on the back of the house also. When the framing was done.. I went out to the backyard to enjoy the night sky, I heard nothing. When I turned around I had two bright eyes scaring me to the ground. From 9ft, the top of the roof porch he looked at me Apparently Puffs had climbed the 8ft of framing from the work table, crossed the rafters, crossed the whole house roof and decided to voyeur me on the other side of the house. I was very glad he didn't tempt the electric lines whose pole he had tried to climb other days.Stressing moments on me as well.

:Puffs became a pro at taking baths since 2017, and getting nails trimmed at the same time. The trim helped him jump (getting pad purchase) and helped the furniture too.

:Another quick story. Cats can swim. I took him to go swimming in the creek and that went pretty good the first time. (Must always be on leash. And probably use partially inflated swimmy muscle). He was really comfortable in the water if it was shallow(2.5ft). The problem with the creek is its near a road so don't be near roads even with the leash on. He was swimming a good crawl in about 4ft. A fish mustve brushed his foot because he panicked and started jumping out of the water like a bass on a hook. I literally had to swing him in the air (with leash) and onto the shore into some leaves and grass. There's some fault in not being close enough to him to pick him up out of the water directly. He swam pretty good and at range. To ease that trauma.. (nearly heart attack probably; that went sour) , I let him calm down. At a much shallower area no taller than his knees(5-6”) I set him into the stream without much resentment and just petted him to get him calm. (He wasn't a lap cat before that either.) At that point the swimming got shuttered for downhill walks and other casual stuff.

: On similar climbing points.. even till about 2015, he liked to jump the gap from the upright piano top (4ft) to the top of the entertainment center (7.5 ft) plus the hallway gap of 3.5 ft and he was really solid at it. Would stay up there for a while and then jump down onto the sofa table (3 ft tall).. He was always calculating a new feat. When that one item stopped being in his wheelhouse it was clear he was getting bothered/ annoyed and the stress of a cat territory issue wore him down.

If you were to be near him, you'd end up watching him. This statue of a male cat with really long tail. Not lemur-long but really long.. a gray panther. And, maybe you'd try to pet him since he looked inviting. Yet, you wouldn't get much petting done. He'd probably tolerate two brushes and then give your hand a carving with his claws, hiss at you and find a new place to observe the room, That said, he would cruise the neighborhood looking which apartment I might've visited, slink in and check out how other people decorated. A very dignified personality, sometimes to the point of indignant. He was a cat you'd want to clone over and over because he was just that cool on himself. Cloning him was on the slate too until those type of businesses were closed with political force.. He actually inspired a jazz song (currently in midi form) that I’ve yet to record. I was tore up about his first cancer surgery so I started writing. Hope that will be out soon enuff. I hope this can help you appreciate Mr Puffs. He was buried at a spot he chose. It was nearby a set of brush he would choose to hide in hours near the middle of hikes.

.. he loved to hide. Back in Oregon I'd take him in the van with my mentally handicapped clients. He'd be set loose to get his relaxation in. By the time it was time to leave. he wanted to stay. He hid in bushes and culverts. I learned very quickly that such outings had to be local or I'd be driving back hours to go get him at night or worse. Once I knew that, we'd take rides on the bus to the edges of the bus line and just chill on hills overlooking boating lakes. Fern Ridge Reservoir had a nice pine overlook off Territorial hwy. He really enjoyed outings and variety. Maybe thats what kept him interested as a matter of longevity. I want to end on that. He showed me lessons in best intentions and good in the bad.. and murdering all my Egyptian spiny mice within hours of acquiring them and their replacements. Its not like I wouldn't have gotten him a feeder mouse but there were plenty stinking up the walkway as it was. I'm blessed to have spent that month sheltered in a renta-shed with him. It seems the alternative .. without having enough for a pet deposit elsewhere (that moment) was to lower my standards for the landlords daughter and by whatever 'influence' she had. 'evicted us for periodic renovations”. So, eventually we chose instead to leave and he got a brims of fieldmice, chipmunks and forest romping. I hope that was an appreciated choice. He liked city life too. Should you choose to tribute to Mr Puffs, I welcome it. He’d be the type of cat Dos Equis beer would be looking for if he actually drank it.

Hope you’re feeling better, Puffs; BFF

#cats of tumblr #cats of twitter #BFF #most interesting cat in the world

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mythicallore · 6 years ago

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Spooky Stories: The Basement

My house sitting story. Two months after my brother and his wife bought a new house, they had to go out of town and needed their cats fed. Their house and my office are both a good drive from my apartment, but only a few minutes away from each other. My brother said if I wanted, I could just stay over in the guest room rather than driving among the three places. So I got the keys and instructions. I was staying there three nights: Mon-Wed.

Monday evening was uneventful until about midnight. I was lying on the living room couch, watching Conan, with a cat lying on my chest. I started to drift off to sleep. The next thing I knew, I was standing in pitch black darkness. I completely freaked out, I had no idea where I was. I felt around in the dark and felt nothing. Finally I realized there actually was a faint blue light coming from above. I moved toward it and then understood where I was. I was in the fucking basement! The light was coming through the basement door at the top of the stairs, which leads to the kitchen. Just enough moonlight apparently made it through from a window elsewhere in the kitchen. I bolted up the stairs, turned on the kitchen light, and closed the basement door. I was terrified until I calmed down enough to come to the conclusion you probably already came to – I had sleepwalked all the way down the stairs (after opening the basement door, which I know was closed).

A couple things are important to the story. First, the basement. The house was very nice — actually, more than they should have been able to afford. The only exception was the basement. I had only seen the basement once, when I first got the tour. It was totally unfinished and was the one major thing they wanted to fix up. All they had down there was some boxes and the washer/dryer. I had no reason to want to go down there and had kind of forgotten it existed.

The other point is that sleepwalking is kind of a thing in my family, almost an inside joke. My brother talked in his sleep constantly, and would sleepwalk sometimes, and it always scared the hell out of me. The idea of people doing things in their sleep just creeps me out to the core (still does). My brother knew this and would tease me about it, so it was known in my family that I had this phobia. But as far as I know, I had never, ever sleepwalked until that night. The image kept playing in my mind, over and over, of me, asleep, getting up from the couch, walking to the kitchen, opening the basement door, and shuffling down the stairs into total darkness. Creepy as all hell.

Anyway, I saw the TV was still on in the living room, playing Wedding Crashers. I watched the rest of the movie, trying to laugh and think of the sleepwalking as a funny story to tell my brother. When I went upstairs to go to sleep in the guest room, I stayed asleep. That was night one.

The next morning, in the light of day, it didn’t seem that scary. I texted my brother about it and joked around. All day I wasn’t bothered one bit. But as I’m walking out of my office to my car, I’m overcome with this sense of dread. All of a sudden, the thought of going to sleep in that house — and maybe sleepwalking again — is scaring me. So I had a plan. I stop at the hardware store and pick up one of those rubber door-stopper wedges. At the house, I jam this into the crack under the basement door, and kick it in until it’s as far as it can go. I test out trying to open the door, and it won’t budge. Perfect.

Later, I go upstairs and fall asleep. When I wake up, I swear to god I think I’m dreaming. I was standing in darkness again, but this time I know exactly where I am. The smell is the same. The concrete floor under my feet is the same. I look around for the light from upstairs, and it take me longer to find it because it’s farther away. Last night I was only a couple of feet from the stairs, this night it was maybe ten feet. I run up and turn on the kitchen lights. I see the rubber wedge on on the floor, a couple of feet away, as if tossed there. Again, I can’t stop picturing myself sleepwalking. Out of the bedroom, down the stairs, trying to open the basement door. Bending down and yanking out the wedge. And then, again, slowly down into the darkness.

I decided I was turning on the basement lights and they were staying on. I opened the door and flipped the switch to the basement stairway. I saw there was a main switch at the bottom of the stairs. To give you a quick sense of the layout, the staircase splits the basement into two parts. To the right is a small area with the washer/dryer, and to the left is the a big open area.

Anyway, I walked down and turned on the lights for the whole basement. That’s when I noticed something I hadn’t noticed when my brother gave me the tour. About 10-15 feet away, in the big area, there was a door to what looked like a small closet. This door was closed, but had no doorknob (just an empty hole), so it looked like it would freely swing open. I realized it was very close to where I had just awoken. Then a fucking freaky thought came to me: it was as if each night I was heading to the door, and getting a little farther each time before I woke up. As soon as that thought popped into my head, I booked it up the stairs again, left the lights on, and closed the door. I went up to the bedroom, but it took me forever to fall asleep. That was night two.

The next morning, Wednesday morning, I woke up late for work. I didn’t think about the basement at all because I was scrambling to get ready. At work though, I was still curious about what was behind the door, so I texted my brother and asked. He replied “wait….why were you in the basement?” I realized that when I texted him the day before, I never actually told him where I woke up. So I tell him I woke up in the basement, actually twice in a row. After a while, he sends this novel-length text. About how the basement is creepy, not to go down there, etc. How they tried putting the litter boxes in the basement and the cats made a mess in the house because they refused to go down. How he volunteers to do every chore other than the laundry so he doesn’t have to go down there. He says all this stuff, and it’s surprising to me, because my brother never believed in the paranormal or superstitions, ever since we were kids. I also realize he never answered my question about the door, but I let it go.

After work, I get the same feeling of dread as I’m walking to my car. I really don’t want to stay there again, and I decide: fuck it, I don’t have to. So I go feed the cats, get my stuff, and drive back to my place. I’m supposed to feed the cats one more time, so I’ll stop over in the morning. As I went to sleep at my apartment, I was thinking of all the steps I would have to take to sleepwalk to the basement again — find my car parked around the block, drive asleep to my brother’s house, etc. But this time, I sleep through the night. That was night three.

Thursday morning, I stop at the house as planned. I’m about to leave when I remember that the basement lights are still on. I don’t even hesitate to go down to turn them off. There was something about being there in the morning that, at the time, made it seem fine. When I go down, again that door without a doorknob catches my eye, and it also doesn’t seem scary anymore. So, what the hell, let’s see. I walk over to it and I distinctly remember not feeling spooked at all. Until — I reach my hand toward the doorknob hole to pull it open. As soon as I do that, and I mean instantly, I feel this electric feeling, like the air before a storm, and I imagine a hand coming through that hole and grabbing mine. It was like 0 to 60, going from no fear to being certain that something horrible would happen if I opened that door. It’s hard to describe it other than that electric feeling. I booked it up the stairs and out of the house.

So, a month later, I meet my brother for happy hour. A few drinks in, we start joking about me sleepwalking and the creepy basement. I say he never answered me about what’s behind the door, and he says I don’t want to know. Joking at first, but then insisting. Finally he tells me, and I don’t believe him. He’s my big brother and has only bullshitted me about a million times in my life.

This was his explanation: the previous (and first) owners of the house had a teen daughter that used the basement as her bedroom. The door was to her closet, where one night she curled up, took some pills and killed herself. The family was going to remodel the basement, but after tearing it apart realized they couldn’t do it and had to move. That was why only the basement was unfinished, and why my brother was able to afford the place — the seller had to disclose a suicide happened in the residence. He said if I didn’t believe him, to look up the market values of the identical houses in his track (I know how much they paid for their house and it was way lower). He and his wife considered themselves rational people and figured it was a bargain, but didn’t want to tell anyone. After they moved in, his wife was fine with the basement, but he grew to hate it. He apologized for not saying anything to me before I stayed there, but he never thought I’d have any reason to go down there.

Now here’s what that convinced me. I said “Okay, the only thing that makes me kind of believe you is that the last morning I was there, I went over to the closet door” — and at this point, I see my brother’s face change — and I continued: “when I went to open it, the air felt like–” and at the same instant, I say “electricity” and my brother says “electric.” At the same exact time. I saw his face and knew he was telling the truth.

I’ve never stepped foot again in that basement, and I haven’t sleepwalked since.

#spooky stories

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hcneymilkks · 6 years ago

Text

24K Jinhong | The Purge

REPOSTED FROM WATTPAD!

[ALL P.O.V's THAT HAVE NO NAME ON TOP BEFORE THE SENTENCE STARTS IS Y/N's WORDS AND THOUGHTS.]

[ALSO, SOME OF THE DESCRIPTION IS FROM 24K's MV "STILL 24K" AND "BINGO". THE SAME MEMBERS IN THOSE MV's WILL BE USED HERE. CREDITS TO THE TRAILER OF "THE PURGE" AS INSPIRATION FOR THIS IMAGINE.]

[STARS (***) WILL REPRESENT NEW P.O.V's WHILE DASHES (---) WILL REPRESENT CONTINUING P.O.V.'s]

[Y/N means your name and Y/F/N means your friend's name.]

The poster flapped vigorously in the wind, one corner already peeling off. In bright red letters painted to look like streaks of blood, it said 'On October 13th, 2018, all crime will be legal for twelve hours, starting at midnight. Be prepared, for you don't know what's coming for you.'

News stations around the city were announcing this very important yet dangerous day, encouraging us fellow citizens to lock our doors and hide. As if it would help. People in this century know how to pick locks, or even easier, blow up the whole front door.

Once the twelve hours end, all citizens are to resume their daily lives like normal, only some may have lost valuables, doors, and even people. No one can report the crime, for the criminals are safe under the law, The Purge Law.

"The Purge Law states that any crime, whether small or extreme is legal. Any persons killed are given a regular funeral, no compensation may be given. All weapons used are granted permission by the government to be registered yet the files will be destroyed after twenty-four hours. No one is protected, everyone is vulnerable on this day." The newscaster read, making me chuckle.

History has shown that The Purge has been going on for one hundred years, starting in 1918 when the Ku Klux Klan in the United States had reformed. Their goal was to use violence against Blacks, Roman Catholics, Immigrants, and anyone who supported giving minority groups equality rights. Their vision was to have a White Christian supremacy, just like how Hitler in World War Two wanted Germans to be the Master Race.

But now, people have used it just to reduce the population, or to get revenge on a family member or friend, or anyone who just doesn't fit in society.

Coming from Japan, where little to no crime happens, I wanted to see it in action. Yes, I wanted to leave myself as vulnerable as I can, even if it means I'm asking for a death wish.

***

[JinHong]

October 10th, 2018

11:09 PM

JeongUk's garage was filled to the brim with boxes on each side, a couch in the middle, and a table with weapons.

Hui was using a cloth to wipe down a simple handgun, one of his favorites.

"So," Cory, the appointed leader started. "Does anyone have a specific person in mind to target?"

"Just anyone who gets in my way," Kisu says, twirling a dagger around his fingers with careful yet fast movements.

JeongUk nods in agreement.

"Changsun, Hongseob?"

"I mean, I want to steal rather than kill because you can sell the valuable items in exchange for money and maybe invent something new," Changsun says shyly.

"That's a good idea," Hongseob says and uses the computer. "According to Google Maps, there are many jewelry places in Portland so it's either we can split up or go altogether."

Cory puts a hand under his chin. That signifies he is thinking of a plan. "I believe it's best to go in all together. That way if anyone tries to attack, we all protect one another."

"But doesn't the law state that all of us are vulnerable no matter what? It's like saying not to trust in one another and only focus on ourselves." Changsun explains.

"What? Do you think we are going to just abandon one another? Or are you the one who's going to abandon us?" Kisu says angrily and Changsun gulps in fear, probably regretting speaking up.

"Easy now Kisu, I need you to save that energy for tomorrow," Cory says. He turns to Changsun. "Changsun, there's no need to worry, we are all in this together okay? We will protect one another."

"Let's go till the end." Changsun mumbles.

Cory turns to me. "JinHong, usually you're the most talkative. What? Cat's got your tongue?"

I playfully smirk. "Nope. I just wanted everyone to have a chance to speak what they want to."

"Now they have. So, what specific person do you want to target?

"Well, remember when I joined this gang group for one reason only?" I ask.

Cory nodded. "You said your parents died in The Purge when you were only nine."

"I found the people responsible for my parent's death."

"But the law states that-" Changsun started but I interrupted him.

"I know. The law states that you can't press charges or throw them in jail or something like that. But that's not it. I saw in old records that in 2008 they moved to Japan and stayed there until they died."

"So...if they died, who are you targeting?" Kisu asks, clearly annoyed.

I smirk. "They were husband and wife, and from reading many books, couples want to have children. The wife gave birth to a daughter, who they both kept their secret from her. But, she's here, and I want her. I want her to know the truth of what her parents have done. I want her to know how it feels to have your heart ripped out and your breath stuck in your throat. I want her to die a slow and painful death."

---

"Hey baby," Chun-Li kisses me on the lips. I feel Kisu shooting glares at me but I ignore it.

"What's up? Anything new with the girl?" I ask her. Along with Hongseob, Chun-Li is an expert of hacking and tracking down people.

"Not much. All I know is her name, how old she is, what city she lives in, and her hobbies."

"Spill," I said.

"Her name is Ji Y/N. She's nineteen years old, she currently resides in Portland, Oregon and loves to read and write."

I smirk and kiss Chun-Li on the lips happily. "Get ready baby, for the 13th will be the best day of your life!" I pick her up and bring her inside one of JeongUk's many rooms, with her laughing.

***

October 12th, 2018

3:34 PM

I walked along the streets of Portland, letting the cool air surround my skin. It was like giving me an extra layer of protection from the harsh rays of the sun and from the scorching heat. Many people smiled and laughed as they walked, but it was a shame to see that all of this would be gone in less than twenty-four hours.

The bookstore was calling me so I entered roamed around. Fairy tales, Mystery, Thriller, Crime, Murder, Romance and many more genres swarmed around my eyes. Oh, how I wanted to have all of them. I smirked. Stealing books was the one thing I have been dying to do since I've heard about The Purge.

At the corner of my eye, I saw a speck of black. Craning my neck to where it came from, my eyes immediately land on a blank black cover. No title, no author. I pick it up and flip to a random page. Nothing. I look at the back to see if there is a price tag. Nothing.

I put the book down and go back to looking around but my feet indistinctively went back to the same place where the book was.

Although The Purge started tomorrow, I couldn't help myself and tucked the book into my bag, walking away and praying that no alarms will go off. Once I pushed the door and walked out, I let out the breath I didn't know I was holding.

---

6:50 PM

Unlocking the door, I walk in but step on my own foot causing me to lose my balance and almost faceplant into the hardwood floor.

"Woah girl did you drink? Why are you walking all tipsy?" My friend Y/F/N asks.

"No. You know how clumsy I am. I legit just stepped on my own foot. You know how saddening if would have been if I dropped my bubble tea? I paid six dollars and thirty cents for it."

She starts to laugh. "This is why you should stay in the house during The Purge. It's either you are going to run away from the person and fall in the middle of it, or you are gonna talk so much that the person can't be bothered with you. So it's a fifty-fifty chance you make it out alive."

"Are you dissing me or offending me?"

She smiles evilly. "Whatever you think it is."

"I hate you."

"You know you love me."

---

That night, we watched a lot of action and defense movies "in order to protect ourselves if we get in that kind of situation" as how Y/F/N described it.

We moved to the basement and sat on the floor cross-legged, each of us having a knife and a handgun.

It's now eleven fifty-seven pm and at any given moment, our phones are supposed to go off. At least that's what they said.

"Y/N?" Y/F/N asked.

"Hmmm?" I responded.

"You won't betray me, right? We will survive this together right?"

I nodded. "After my parents died I had no one. You took me in because we looked like twins. Over the past few months, we did a lot together. I wanna continue it. I can't lose you."

She started crying and I saw her phone screen light up. One minute. I hugged her back.

"I love you, my twin."

12:00 AM

Beeps came from our phone, signaling a text alert.

'ATTENTION! THE PURGE HAS NOW STARTED. THE BILL OF RIGHTS HAS BEEN TEMPORARILY TAKEN DOWN AND BEEN REPLACED BY THE PURGE LAW. YOU HAVE TWELVE HOURS TO COMMIT A CRIME IF CHOSEN TO. OTHERWISE, BRACE YOURSELVES, FOR YOU WON'T COME OUT THE SAME WHEN YOU FIRST CAME IN.'

Muffled sobs came from Y/F/N's mouth and I whispered soothing words into her ear, trying to keep her voice down.

It was quiet, too quiet.

"Why does the government have this Purge thing going on every year?" I whisper.

She opened her mouth to say something until a crash was heard upstairs. She buried her face in my shoulder and I rubbed circles on her back.

Loud steps, not one, not two, more like eight people were walking. I heard fabric being ripped, glass shattering. I pictured the whole living room a mess.

"Stay here," I whispered. "Go hide in the hidden closet. I will come back once everything is fine upstairs."

I was about to leave until Y/F/N grabbed my wrist.

"You said you wouldn't leave me. Please stay."

I pried her hand off my wrist and tears were in her eyes. "I can't, if we both want to live, one of us has to go up there. Just trust me. If I'm not back here in thirty minutes, stay hidden and don't make a sound." She nodded and I trudged up the stairs, using my phone as a small flashlight to guide me.

When I turned at the stairs I immediately closed my phone, trying to force my eyes to adjust to the dark as quickly as they can.

"There's no one here." One person says.

"Do you think she left?"

"That's not possible, there's still a bowl of fresh popcorn on the coffee table." Another one says.

Wait, how can they see that? It's pitch black outside and they didn't even open any of the lights.

I quietly went up the stairs and took out my knife. If I can get close to one of them then I can-"OUCH!" I covered up my mouth.

"Who's there!" One took out their flashlight and I tried to run away but I bumped into something, wait no scratch that. I bumped into someone.

The person took out their phone and shone their light on me, revealing a boy who looks my age with silver hair wearing a black bandana as a mask.

"HONGSEOB, CHUN-LI! IS THIS HER?" The boy yells and another one comes and puts a device to my face.

"JinHong, it is." the boy says and the silver-haired boy who I presume is JinHong pulls down his mask and smirks.

"Ji Y/N, you're coming with me." and I felt something heavy hit the back of my head, the last thing on my mind was if Y/F/N was going to be okay.

MASTERLIST

#24k #kpop #jinhong #cory #kisu #jeonguk #hui #changsun #hongseob #the purge #ive actually never seen the purge so....lmao #trashbin writing #another part coming soon

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serena-waldorf · 7 years ago

Note

2.) did you have a memorable childhood pet? 11.) how many siblings do you have? 13.) are you a good cook? 17.) do you have a middle name? 29.) what thing do you symbolize love with? 74.) do you want to be married one day? 75.) dogs or cats?

2. Did you have a memorable childhood pet?

We lived with my grandmother when I was a child and she had a cat named Kiisu (the Estonian word for Kitty) but we lived in the basement and the cat mostly kept to the main floor and second floor. Plus, the cat died when I was still young so I don’t have that many memories of that pet.

My uncle on my mom’s side had an Australian Shepherd named Bluey (I think that’s how it was spelled lol) because he had one blue eye and one brown eye, and he might as well have been our families pet. He was over at our house all the time because my grandmother loved him like her own and looked after him for my uncle all the time when my uncle’s family was busy or out of town. And because my grandmother and uncle worked together at the family company, she was always taking the dog to and from the office with her anyways. And when my grandma would come to pick me up from school and she brought the dog with her, all the kids in the area would go crazy, and want to play with him and he loved the attention haha. I’m not a huge dog person to be honest, I’m actually scared of them (don’t send me hate, Tumblr people lol) until I get used to the dog or if the dog is a pretty chill/calm dog. And because Bluey was a pretty happy, friendly and chill dog (and also an older dog), I liked him lol. He was the complete opposite of Fabio, the Australian Shepherd my uncle’s family got after Bluey passed away. I’m not a big fan of Fabio lol. He’s a crazy and weird dog haha.

11. How many siblings do you have?

I’m an only child

13. Are you a good cook?

LOL, not really. Not that I’ve ever tried making anything else besides basics like rice, pasta, vegetables etc but I feel like I would screw up somewhere along the way if I tried more complicated recipes, knowing me haha. One time I did make a lemon pasta dish from a Nigella Lawson cookbook and it did turn out pretty great BUT my mom was helping me a lot with it haha. But I’d love to learn. I have so many cookbooks and so many recipes pinned on Pinterest with the intention of learning how to cook but I never get around to trying any of the recipes I want to try. And when I do try to cook stuff by myself, my mom ends up interfering and helping me because she doesn’t trust me I guess. Such a mom thing to do lol.

17. Do you have a middle name?

Yes. Elisabet (same as my username here on tumblr). It’s Estonian so I guess it’s basically the Estonian version of Elizabeth. That’s what I tell people for simplicity’s sake anyways lol.

29. What thing do you symbolize love with?

Well, I guess I would symbolize different kinds of love with different kinds of things. I’ve never had true romantic love before but in my past relationships where I THOUGHT I was in love, we symbolized it with silly superficial things like flowers, candy, presents, date nights etc. And the physical aspect of romantic relationships as well. For a friendship, I try to show my love by checking on them/being there for them when I know they’re having a tough time for example. And also just getting together and hanging out whenever we can, schedules depending. That always heals my soul, a great hangout session with a close friend. And for my mom, not only saying “I love you” to each other, but I try to show her I care by doing little things for her that will make her life easier like trying to unload the dishwasher and tidying up the kitchen a little bit before she gets home from work for example, so its one less thing for her to worry about when she gets home. And we also hang out and have fun mommy/daughter dates, whether its going out to dinner or just going quickly to the grocery store together, again my work schedule permitting. Idk, if that was the answer you were looking for or if that made sense lol.

74. Do you want to be married one day?

I go back and forth on this all the freaking time. I’m only 24 years old and I’m also currently single AF right now, and don’t even know if I want a relationship currently so I try not to think too far ahead in the future. Every time I have, I’ve just ended up disappointed (with relationships and other aspects of my life) so now I’m trying to take a whatever happens, whatever happens approach to life; you can’t control the things that you can’t control lol. When I think about the future, I do picture marriage being in it most of the time, but like I said, I change my mind all the time. If I just ended up in a long, long-term relationship without marriage, I think I’d be okay with that too in the end. Plus since I’m still young, whenever I do think of marriage, I’m still stuck in the “you get to wear a fancy dress, have a big party, and get lots of gifts, heck yeah I want to get married someday” phase haha but obviously marriage and relationships is more than just having a party on your wedding day and getting presents lol. So right now I’m probably too immature and inexperienced for marriage but it will PROBABLY and hopefully be in my future but if it never happens, I’d be perfectly fine with that too.

75. Dogs or cats?

Cats ^_^

Thanks so much!! :)

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savetopnow · 7 years ago

Text

2018-03-27 19 FUNNY now

FUNNY

Awkward Family Photos

Blow Out

Flipping Out

Napping On The Edge

Down To Clown

Cat Fancy

Babylon Bee

Hershey’s Replaces ‘Kisses’ With More Pure ‘Sidehugs’ For Christian Market

Children’s Ministry Installs Dedicated Trash Can For Throwing Away Your Kids’ Crafts On The Way Out Of Church

Confirmed: 2018 Spending Bill Includes $30 Million For Paying Off Trump Mistresses

Top 7 Replacement Swears For True Christians

Republicans Clarify That By ‘Defund Planned Parenthood’ They Meant ‘Give Them $500 Million Every Year’

McSweenys

Rest Easy, America

List: Things I’ve Said to My Husband During Sex or to My Teenage Daughter While Teaching Her to Drive?

I’ll Ping You

Is Your Teen an Activist?

If Becoming a Teacher Were as Easy as Purchasing a Gun

Passive Aggressive Notes

Coming soon, from Pixar…

Donna, bring a sweater

You can’t spare three squares?

Happy Birthday, and see you soon! xoxo, Cancer

Namaste, asshole.

Reddit Funny

Opened up my gaming headset to replace the cord and was greeted by this...

#Hahaha

Proper savage lad...

The BIGGEST drug bust of the year!

Buster Keaton doing some work in the basement

Reddit Humor

What Makes a Guy Hot in Your 30s

The only life coach you will ever need

Nation Wondering Why Struggling Mental Health System Can’t Just Pull Itself Together

The Real Reason You Have to Wait So Long at the Doctor's Office

This is Your Captain Speaking

Sad and Useless

Fictional Self-Help Books by Johan Deckmann

Photographer Adds Himself Into His Childhood Photos

10 Pictures You Should Share With Your Co-Workers

Animals With Front Eyes (Just Like Humans)

Celebrities With Mouth Eyes

The Blogess

There is a fine line between crazy and sane and I live there.

I quit. Sort of.

I see a big box of knives in my future. And possibly a tetanus shot. Maybe both.

I need a lot of pills.

Amazon knows me too well and it’s insulting and also costing me money.

The Hard Times

College Kids Are Snowflakes and I’m Terrified They’ll Become One Giant Snowman Hell-Bent on Revenge

Anti-Flag Slips One Pro-Trump Song in Set to Make Sure People Still Listening

Fortnite Mobile Game Eliminates All Other Apps From Phone, Claims Victory Royale

Top Three Cameras Expensive Enough to No Longer Make This Bedroom Photoshoot Creepy

Woman Not Sure What to Get for First Tattoo Removal

The Onion

Millions Of Americans March Nationwide Against Gun Violence

Dana Loesch Rethinking Loyalties After Seeing How Much Airtime Teen Activists Getting

We Interview Some Guy Who Hated ‘March For Our Lives’ Out Of A Desperate Terror Over Being Accused Of Bias

NRA Calls For More Common-Sense Gun Deaths

NRA Says Parkland Students Should Be Grateful For Guns Giving Them Such A Memorable Bonding Experience

Whiskey Leaks

Science Explains Why Tide Pods Taste Like Cilantro To Some, Soap To Others

Cummy Bears? Say “I Love You” This Valentines Day With Candy Made From Your Essence

Redskins’ Owner Unveils Newly Acquired Team Logo

Self-Driving Uber Suspended After Touching Self In Front of Female Passenger

OP-ED: A Man Can’t Even Hug A Female Now Without Her Noticing That He’s Raping Her

#funny

0 notes

savetopnow · 7 years ago

Text

2018-03-27 16 FUNNY now

FUNNY

Awkward Family Photos

Blow Out

Flipping Out

Napping On The Edge

Down To Clown

Cat Fancy

Babylon Bee

Hershey’s Replaces ‘Kisses’ With More Pure ‘Sidehugs’ For Christian Market

Children’s Ministry Installs Dedicated Trash Can For Throwing Away Your Kids’ Crafts On The Way Out Of Church

Confirmed: 2018 Spending Bill Includes $30 Million For Paying Off Trump Mistresses

Top 7 Replacement Swears For True Christians

Republicans Clarify That By ‘Defund Planned Parenthood’ They Meant ‘Give Them $500 Million Every Year’

McSweenys

Rest Easy, America

List: Things I’ve Said to My Husband During Sex or to My Teenage Daughter While Teaching Her to Drive?

I’ll Ping You

Is Your Teen an Activist?

If Becoming a Teacher Were as Easy as Purchasing a Gun

Passive Aggressive Notes

Coming soon, from Pixar…

Donna, bring a sweater

You can’t spare three squares?

Happy Birthday, and see you soon! xoxo, Cancer

Namaste, asshole.

Reddit Funny

Proper savage lad...

The BIGGEST drug bust of the year!

Buster Keaton doing some work in the basement

Howl-ception

Fantastic Mr Fox snatches wallet

Reddit Humor

What Makes a Guy Hot in Your 30s

The only life coach you will ever need

Nation Wondering Why Struggling Mental Health System Can’t Just Pull Itself Together

The Real Reason You Have to Wait So Long at the Doctor's Office

This is Your Captain Speaking

Sad and Useless

Fictional Self-Help Book Titles by Johan Deckmann

Photographer Adds Himself Into His Childhood Photos

10 Pictures You Should Share With Your Co-Workers

Animals With Front Eyes (Just Like Humans)

Celebrities With Mouth Eyes

The Blogess

There is a fine line between crazy and sane and I live there.

I quit. Sort of.

I see a big box of knives in my future. And possibly a tetanus shot. Maybe both.

I need a lot of pills.

Amazon knows me too well and it’s insulting and also costing me money.

The Hard Times

College Kids Are Snowflakes and I’m Terrified They’ll Become One Giant Snowman Hell-Bent on Revenge

Anti-Flag Slips One Pro-Trump Song in Set to Make Sure People Still Listening

Fortnite Mobile Game Eliminates All Other Apps From Phone, Claims Victory Royale

Top Three Cameras Expensive Enough to No Longer Make This Bedroom Photoshoot Creepy

Woman Not Sure What to Get for First Tattoo Removal

The Onion

Millions Of Americans March Nationwide Against Gun Violence

Dana Loesch Rethinking Loyalties After Seeing How Much Airtime Teen Activists Getting

We Interview Some Guy Who Hated ‘March For Our Lives’ Out Of A Desperate Terror Over Being Accused Of Bias

NRA Calls For More Common-Sense Gun Deaths

NRA Says Parkland Students Should Be Grateful For Guns Giving Them Such A Memorable Bonding Experience

Whiskey Leaks

Science Explains Why Tide Pods Taste Like Cilantro To Some, Soap To Others

Cummy Bears? Say “I Love You” This Valentines Day With Candy Made From Your Essence

Redskins’ Owner Unveils Newly Acquired Team Logo

Self-Driving Uber Suspended After Touching Self In Front of Female Passenger

OP-ED: A Man Can’t Even Hug A Female Now Without Her Noticing That He’s Raping Her

#funny

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