#my face wasnt visible but i got a lot of comments on my body (which was going thru early puberty) and it was really disturbing

[brelione]

Princess Bitch (Rafe Cameron X Reader)

Warnings:Choking,swearing,poorly written

You sat on the beach,sitting criss cross applesauce as you had been trained to do since pre school.Your adult coloring book was in your lap,a pencil case of prisma colors next to you in the sand.You had always enjoyed coloring and lucky you had upgraded from the simple rose art shitty crayons and dollar store coloring books.It helped with your shitty mental state and your need to be doing something with your hands at all times.You were partially aware of the tall kook that would look at your coloring book over your shoulder everytime he walked by your spot.Even though you were a pogue you still found yourself on the kook beaches to people watch.

It wasnt that you admired kooks or wanted to be one,you just enjoyed watching their body language and the way they’d shriek when the water hit their skin.They would bring coolers full of alcohol and fancy club sandwiches.You couldn't relate,of course.But it wasn't until today that the tall kook actually spoke to you.Your fingers held onto the seashell pink pencil,shading in a person’s face in circular motions.The lines of the picture were light brown so the colors could easily blend into the lines without looking harsh.You could feel the tall kook prince,Rafe Cameron,coming up behind you. “Thats nice...who is it?”Rafe asked,glancing over to Topper,Kelce and Barley.Barley was holding back a laugh,watching as Rafe’s cheeks turned pink and his white teeth bit on his bottom lip.The three teens had been teasing Rafe for weeks,finally getting him to go over to you.You glanced up at the boy,eyes narrowing. 

“What do you want?”You asked him.He smiled nervously,biting the inside of his cheek. “Why do you think I want something?”He asked,hands in his rich boy khakis.You raised your eyebrows,looking over at the other three boys that were pretending not to watch Rafe’s every move. “Your friends are watching you which means they sent you over here.Why?”You asked.He shrugged,looking off at the water. “Um...I wanted to see what you were drawing-coloring,sorry.”He spoke quietly.You stared up at him,studying his face for a hint that he was lying. “Its gonna be margot robbie.”You answered,placing down your seashell pink and reaching for the nectar shade.He nodded,hesitantly sitting next to you.

 “You uh...you do a lot of coloring.”He spoke,stating a fact rather than asking a question.You nodded,continuing to move the tip of the pencil along the paper. “You live on The Cut but you come around here.Why?”He asked.You looked up at him with your (Y/C/E) that he had never seen up close before,the sunlight making every line and curve of your iris visible to him.Your face was so close to him that he could see every pore and every little freckle along your sun kissed skin.Your curled eyelashes were the only thing that kept sunlight out of your eyes.You were so much prettier up close that he never wanted to leave the spot he was in.

 “Just to piss you all off.”You answered calmly,looking around at the groups of girls that kept glancing at you and your shitty clothes in disgust.He nodded,biting the tip of his tongue. “So you hate us all?”He asked.You hummed,moving onto your next pencil.He nodded. “You hate me?”He asked.You nodded. “You havent given me a reason to like you.”You answered.He smirked,thinking about what he was about to say before letting the words flow from his mouth. “Let me see your phone and ill give you a reason to like me.”He waited for you to answer.You giggled quietly,rolling your eyes. 

“You’re so desperate to impress your friends that you went for a pogue?Thats pathetic,even for you,Rafe Cameron.”You shook your head,zipping your pencil pouch shut,closing you book and slipping both into your old backpack before standing up and swinging the bag over your shoulder.He got up,not bothering to brush off the sand as he glanced over at his friends for encouragement.Barley moved his hands in rapid motions,pointing at you and looking as if he was swatting something away.Rafe looked back at you as you walked quickly,your phone in your back pocket.He caught up to you,reaching for your hand.

Your arm,almost on instinct,moved upwards and your hand clenched around his throat. “Never touch me.”You warned,squeezing tight at his jaw before letting your hand drop.He gulped,shocked by your actions. “Alright,okay.I just….I’ve been watching you for a while and I want to get to know you.”He tried to explain himself.You raised an eyebrow at him. “Youve been watching me?Fuckin stalker lookin’ ass.”You giggled,pulling your phone from your back pocket. “No-not like that.Im just-I think you’re really cute and really talented and I wanna get to know you better and ive seen you around and im shooting my shot and its not going well and if you want me to leave ill head out.”He spoke all too quickly,trying to make things make sense.

You laughed at how flustered he was. “Damn,Cameron,who know you were such a simp?”You grinned,looking up from your phone.He ran a hand through his hair,glancing around the parking lot. “So um...is that a yes?”He asked.You raised your eyebrow,questioning him silently. “And what would I be saying yes to?”You asked.He blushed. “Um….a date.With me,whenever you want wherever you want with no questions asked.If you dont like it I wont bother you again.”He tapped at his leg.You thought about it,enjoying this completely whipped version of the Kook Prince. “Give me your phone.”You demande,sliding your phone back in your pocket.He was confused by your words but obeyed you none the less.He didnt want you to choke him again,not under these circumstances,at least.You took his phone,typing your number in and giving yourself the contact name of “Princess Bitch”before turning off his phone and handing it back to him. “See you later,asshat.”You walked,purposefully swinging your hips as you disappeared from his view.

So heres an idea:If you’d like to be tagged in all future JJ imagines/headcannons/series comment with a heart,if you’d like to be tagged in all future Pope imagines/headcannons/series comment with a smiling face,if you’d like to be tagged in all future Rafe imagines/headcannons/series comment with a frowning face,if you’d like to be tagged in all future Kiara imagines/headcannons/series comment with a question mark and if you’d like to be tagged in all future Sarah Cameron imagines/headcannons/series comment with a plus sign.Or if thats too complicated you can just comment whose name you’d like to be tagged in.

[cloudykaii]

Care

pairing: bts x eighth member!reader [platonic]

summary:  omg i just real some of your eight member scenarios and eveerything was so good!! i wasnt into eight member things before but now.. im super in! 😭 can you do a scenario about compilation of the members little caring act on stage, backstage, when theres camera or not, something like that to the eight members?? if you make it then i would be so delighted. than you !!

warnings: none, it’s just really fluff :( some of it might not make sense, but i really love this

A lot of things could be said about your brothers. Each and every one of them had their moments and mistakes, just like you did. Some people would call them rude, or selfish amongst other things, but the one thing they could never say, is that they didn’t care about you. ARMY pointed it out all the time; they even had compilations of moments the eight of you cared for each other, but your favorite were the ones titled things like: “six minutes of proof that bts’ world revolves around y/n.”

Jin jumped as your head fell against his bicep. You were at an afterparty for an awards show the eight of you had been asked to present at. The music wasn’t too loud- you used to joke that it was because everyone knew rich people liked to brag. You had no idea where the rest of your brothers were but you and Jin had been perched on the oddly comfortable sofa as he socialized. He could feel your hairpins digging into his shoulder. 

“Y/N, are you okay?” You didn’t answer and he moved slightly so that he could reach across and tap your arm, but you moved with him. He felt your even breathing and sighed. You still had around two hours left before they could leave. 

One of the girls he had been talking to chuckled as you gave a tiny shiver in your sleep. “She must be tired.”

He smiled at her before slipping off his blazer to cover you with it. “She works hard, sometimes I think she works harder than the rest of us,” he chuckled, pulling you closer so that he could make sure she was comfortable. 

No one knows how a fan account had that video trending on twitter under the hashtag #BabyY/N three days later. 

✦✧✦✧

One bad thing about being the only girl in an idol group, is that sometimes you get the least amount of consideration. Not because they didn’t respect you or anything like that, it’s just that after styling for seven boys, you think sometimes the staff tends to forget you are not a guy, or maybe they had never seen a girl in real life.

Or at least that’s what the short dress you were wearing had you feeling like. It’s not like it wasn’t pretty, a black skirt and connected by a thin, white lacy strip that wrapped around your abdomen. It was gorgeous, and the silky ribbon of a choker around your neck made it look even better, but it was just.. so short. 

You powered through like a trooper, despite the fear in the back of your mind that you were flashing the entire audience while you danced. The minute the song stopped and everyone moved to get a drink of water, Yoongi was taking his jacket off and tying it around your waist. 

Not speaking into the mic, you let him do as he wanted but asked, “Are you even allowed to do that? Won’t the stylist say something about how you ruined her outfit?”

Tightening the knot of material, he rolled his eyes. “Honestly, I don’t give a fuck what the stylist has to say right now. Not only is your outfit not okay, but it’s obviously making you uncomfortable. You can wear this until the next outfit change.”

“Thank you,” you hugged him briefly, glad he had your back. 

✦✧✦✧

There was a time where you guys were recording a live during a long break while at practice. Fans talked about it for ages afterwards. Taehyung sat against one of the mirrors, holding his phone, while Jimin was in the picture beside him. 

“Basically, that’s it. We haven’t really-”

“Y/N, stop running around, you’re going to hurt yourself!” Jimin’s voice cut in, making the other man look over. 

“What is she doing?”

Jimin huffed, “I have no idea, but she’s going to- Y/N, at least t- no actually come here, I’ll do it for you.”

And when you bounced into the view of the camera, only for all the fans to see Jimin pulling your foot to him so he could tie your shoe. “Be careful this time, even if you’re playing tag.”

✦✧✦✧ 

Jeongguk laughed at the camera, the comments being ridiculous. He was doing a live, answering questions about the embarrassing moments he chose to talk about. “No, it was funny! He fell, but then he tried to play it off by doing pushups, but he feel while trying to do that, so-”

He heard the door open in the background, and the camera saw him turn to the side just before he let out an “oomf.” The side profile of your face was visible to the viewers as you moved to curl against him on the bed. You rubbed your eyes sleepily, and he frowned. “It’s really late, you’re supposed to be asleep.”

You mumbled, “I was, but then I got scared and woke up. I didn’t want to be alone.” He pouted at that. You tended to have nightmares whenever you were stressed, and since he was the one who found out about them first, he was usually the person you ran to. 

“Do you wanna sleep in here?” He asked softly. Everyone tuned in could hear everything, but your brother barely remembered that he was even recording as he fussed over you. You nodded, already drifting off on his shoulder. He smiled down at you before turning back to the camera. He read the many comments of everyone cooing over you. “Yeah, she’s alright. I’ll tell her to tell you guys herself tomorrow. Anyways..” 

✦✧✦✧

Of course, there were incidents that were more serious. 

The sun was setting, which made the perfect picture for the shoot you guys were about to do. The rooftop everyone was on was beautiful and stone, the kind of background you saw in movies. The sun seemed to glitter, and the wind made everything sway until the lake’s seemingly glittering waves caught your eye. “Whoa,” you gasped, moving closer to get a look.

“Y/N-”

You waved off Taehyung’s warning. “I’ll be careful! I just want to get a closer look!” You walked back over to the edge, admiring the way the sun sparkled on the water. You subconsciously leaned closer, moving your body a little too far against the thin railing, but before you could topple over, a hand grabbed the back of your jacket with a tight grip, yanking you back until you were a good distance away from the railing. 

Your back hit someone else’s and you recognized Taehyung as you turned to see him. He stared down at you. “I said be careful!” 

“I’m sorry,” you said a little shakily. Taehyung sighed before pulling you back into a hug. “Having a little sister is so hard, you’re not leaving my sight for the rest of the day.”

✦✧✦✧

Another moment fans loved to talk about actually happened at a fansign. You smiled brightly as the next fan came up to you, following the line. “Hello!” you greeted happily. 

Something about this girl threw you off though, and the look in her eyes had you unintentionally leaning away from her. You couldn’t decipher it, but when nothing happened, you told yourself you were just overthinking it. She was probably just excited to meet what could have been her favorite artist group, right? 

You stood by Hoseok as the fansign ended, moving to follow him out of then venue. He chuckled as he looked at you. “You have that look.”

You wrinkled your nose. “What look?” 

“The one that says you’re hungry,” he teased, poking you in the stomach, making you whine. “Well, maybe-”

“Y/N!” You turned around, cutting yourself off mid sentence, to see the fan from earlier. “I found you.” Her smile was a little too bright as she reached for you, only for Hoseok to push you behind him as you stuttered out, “I’m sorry, we really have to go.” 

You moved to attempt to leave after that, but her demeanor quickly changed. Her face changed from too happy and delighted, to dark and angry. Her eyes narrowed, and she reached for you more aggressively this time. “Don’t be son ungrateful,” she squeezed your wrist painfully and you cried out as security finally made their way over. 

Hoseok immediately pulled you to him, looking at the rapidly forming bruise on your wrist. Even though at the moment, it was just a large red mark, his face still tightened. “This never should have happened,” he cursed when he noticed tears in your eyes. 

He pulled you into a hug as he waited for the rest of your brothers to show up. “It won’t happen again,” he promised you. 

✦✧✦✧

The moment that was probably the most talked about, was when a talk show host felt the need to ask you how it felt. Namjoon shared a glance with you. 

“Excuse me?” you asked timidly, straightening up. 

The interviewer turned to you. “Oh, you speak English! I was just asking how it felt to be so similar to a child all the time.” The man’s tone of voice didn’t even change, but the idea that he had expected Namjoon to translate this to you, and now casually asked you as if there was nothing wrong with the question. “You know, they’re always taking care of you, it makes it seem like you can’t do anything by yourself. Does it ever irritate you?���

You tried laughing it off, the chuckle leaving your lips as you ticked a strand of hair behind your ear awkwardly. “Not really. They’re not doing anything to be condescending, and I know that.”

“Do you feel like that is because you need their help?”

“That’s enough,” Namjoon cut in, his jaw clenched as he slid forward a little in his seat as if to help get his point across. “Y/N is perfectly capable of taking care of herself. We pitch in to check on her because we love and care about her, and she does the same for us. She is not a child but a grown woman who we love and care about enough to make sure she’s okay and gets the nice treatment she deserves. With all due respect, if you insult our sister again, we will be forced to cut this short.”

You looked over to him, offering a silent thank you as the interviewer coughed, trying to recover. The bad news was that this interview was live, so he really couldn’t do anything but sit there and realized he had just embarrassed himself. 

Honestly, what else is there to say? You loved and cared about your brothers, and they loved and cherished you. 

[video-killed-the-radio-host]

Heartbeats on the Airwaves chapter 5

As always, for @acealex-blueiguana

Cecil had to stay in the hospital for a week and a half, to make sure the wound healed properly and wasn’t infected. He slept a lot because the exhaustion of his job is finally catching up with his over worked body. Carlos spends a good chunk of his free time in Cecil’s room, making small talk, cuddling and exchanging small kisses.

They shared dinner most nights, unless Carlos got called away. Carlos managed to sneak away and picked up Chinese.  Now, Carlos sat cross legged and barefoot at the foot of Cecil’s bed, listening to Cecil go on about how much he hates his brother-in-law. Carlos smiles a little. This man was an absolute dork, but Carlos was completely smitten. He sets his chopsticks down in the container and then sets it aside, pulling Cecil’s feet into his lap, rubbing small counter-clockwise circles around the ankles. Which were quite boney.

“What are we going to do for our first date?” He asked randomly.

Cecil gives noise that was basically a purr and opens his eyes.

“Nothing to fancy. Because a good time isn’t based on how much money you spend.”

“I could cook for you.” Carlos suggests. “Since your birthday is next week.”

“How did you-oh god. Right there!” Cecil groans as Carlos presses his thumb into the arc of Cecil’s foot.

Carlos chuckles. “I read your chart. I also know you have a wheat allergy. And that your middle name is Gershwin.”

“Now hold on- “Cecil keens again, arching his back a little as Carlos begins to rub the lower part of Cecil’s left leg before switching to the right.

“Hm?”

“You know so much about me and I hardly know anything about you.”

“Well, my middle name is Fernando, my birthday May 20th and I’m allergic to cats. Which I assume you have because the first time we met you ran into me and then I was sneezing like crazy all day.”

Carlos smiles at the memory but Cecil’s face fell.

“Oh.”

“Hey. Don’t worry about it. I take Claritin. Because I can handle it and I would hate to stop seeing you, as we are now dating and all.”

“You’ll have to meet him sometime.”

“What if he hates me?”

“Then it’s not going to work out. I can’t date anyone my cat doesn’t trust.”

Carlos nods. “I can respect that. I hope I’ll make a good impression.”

“I’m sure he’ll love you as much as I do.” Cecil muses before his eyes go wide and one hand clapped over his mouth. “Shit. Sorry. I know it’s still way early and- “He kind of shrinks back a little.

Carlos reaches out, a tad concerned. “Cecil? Are you okay?” He asked softly.

Cecil nods quickly. “I’m alright. Just lost control of my mouth for a moment is all.”

Carlos reaches out and takes his hand, giving a careful and gentle squeeze.

“You meant it?”

Cecil looks up at him. “I do.”

“That’s good. Because I love you too.”

Cecil's mouth dropped open and he was stunned silent. Carlos chuckles again and shifts to his knees, leaning up to kiss Cecil’s lips. Cecil was speechless. Cecil “I talk for a living, so I don’t do shut up” Palmer was silent. It was a bit jarring.

“You’re adorable.” Carlos grins before sitting back down.

“You broke me.”

“I do apologize. But I am a doctor so I’m sure I can fix what I broke.”

“I do believe I’m entitled to compensation.” Cecil gives a small smile.

Carlos raises an eyebrow. “I’m sure we can work something out.”

Before Cecil could answer, Carlos kissed him once more and then kisses his forehead. “Are you wanting to do that interview?”

“I had completely forgotten about it.” Cecil admits. “But sure. Not like I have anything better to do at the moment.”

Carlos opens his mouth to retort but Cecil gives him a look and he shuts his mouth with a laugh.

“You need to behave Dr. Mendez.”

“I don’t know what you are talking about Mr. Palmer.”

“Mhm. Hand me my bag please?”

Carlos gets up and picks up the satchel that Dana had dropped off earlier. Its bag was covered in pins and patches ranging from pride to Star Trek. It was very Cecil. He hands it over and watches as Cecil opens it and digs through files and papers before pulling out a recorder.

“Here we are.” Cecil holds up the silver recorder triumphally.

“Anything else?” Carlos asked as he settles back down at the foot of the bed.

“Nope. Let’s begin.”

Cecil slipped into a professional personality easily, despite being in a hospital gown and hooked to multiple machines.

“I’m here with Mercy Eastern’s Chief of Surgery, Dr. Carlos Mendez. I’ve been told you have big news for the viewers?”

“I do.” Carlos smiles, seeming a bit nervous for some reason.

Cecil reaches over and takes his hand, giving a gentle squeeze.

“What is your news?”

“Originally the Crystal Storm Foundation was for teenage and single mothers to get help so they can get back on their feet, but as of February 13th, this Wednesday, we will be extending our reach to women who cannot conceive and working with surrogates to provide them with the family they cannot produce themselves. We believe everyone deserves a chance to be a family.”  The words seemed to be pouring out now.

Cecil couldn’t help the smile that spreads across his lips. He loved how passionate Carlos seemed when talking about helping others. His eyes light up and hold a love for people.

“We also will be helping children in the system to find forever homes. Everyone should have someone to love them.”

Cecil nods a little, his eyes starting to sting a little. Carlos stopped talking and reaches out for his hand.

“Cecil? Is something wrong?”

“No. No. Nothing is wrong. It’s just…. you are so amazing. I’m so lucky to have met you. I- “He pauses, reaching over to turn off the recorder before continuing. “Carlos, words usually come easily to me. That’s why I do what I do.” He pauses and looks away, only to have Carlos reach over and take his hand.

“But?”

Cecil looks back over. “But you make me speechless. I’m at a loss for words. I don’t know why. I’ve dated before. But this is different. You are different.”

Carlos gazes at him for a moment. “I’m…. I’m amazing because you make me want to be amazing. You have this way of making people want to be better. You inspire me with your raw passion and loyalty to your work.”

Cecil was openly crying now, and Carlos panicked.

“I didn’t mean to make you cry! I’m sorry!”

Cecil gives a watery laugh. “You.”

“Me?”

“Yes, you.”

“What about me?”

Cecil tugs on his hand. “Hold me. I’m tired.”

“Yes sir.” Carlos smiles a little and cleans off the bed before getting up.

-----.-----

The next week went by in a blur and before Carlos knew it, it was Cecil’s birthday.  He wasn’t sure what to get as a gift but suddenly, he just knew. He ran out and bought the supplies before hurrying home and getting to work.

The day passed by fairly quickly and soon it was six o’clock. He slides the lasagna into the oven and moved to answer the door. Cecil stands on the other side, wearing what he wore on the news that night, with his hair pulled back into an elegant braid. His glasses slipped down his narrow nose a little and Carlos smiles fondly.

“Hey beautiful. Happy Birthday.” Carlos steps back after pressing a chaste kiss to Cecil’s lips. Cecil follows him to the kitchen.

“I wasn’t sure if you drank red or white, so I brought both.” Cecil says as he sits down the paper bag he was carrying.

“I’m not to picky. Which do you prefer?”

“My favorite is Arbor Mist, the raspberry one but where I went didn’t have any, so I got Pinot Grigio and Rosé.”

“Oh, that’s too bad. I’m sure we can make do.” Carlos leans against the counter with an easy smile.

“I have been told I’m pretty easy to satisfy.” Cecil comments.

Carlos raises an eyebrow. “Is that so?”

Cecil’s eyes go wide, and his face, ears and neck flush a bright red as he struggles to answer. Carlos laughs.

“Yknow, you made that exact same face when we first met.”

“Please don’t bring that up. I have to deal with both Dana and Earl teasing me about it.” Cecil wines a little and buries his face in his hands.

Carlos crosses the kitchen pulls him close. “I’m sorry. I can’t help it. You have a cute blush.”

“You are annoying. You know that?” Cecil says, his voice muffled where he tucked his head into the crook of Carlos’ neck.

“You love it.”

“Yeah.” Cecil presses a kiss to Carlos’ neck. “I do.”

Before Carlos could answer, his pager went off in the living room. He tightens his hold on Cecil with a groan. He wasn’t on call tonight!

“Do you need to go?” Cecil asked, pulling away a little.

“I can have someone else get it.”

“What if they need you?”

Carlos rubs a hand over his face. He knew Cecil was right, but he didn’t want to leave. Cecil takes his hand.

“Hey. It’s okay. Go.”

“But- “

“I’m used to spending my birthday alone. We can reschedule.”

The words made Carlos’ heart hurt.

“You have lives to save.”

Carlos nods. “I know.” He kisses the center of Cecil’s palm. “Don’t go anywhere. I’ll be back as soon as I can.”

“Be safe.”

“I will.” Carlos promises, turning the oven off and taking the pan out. “You can eat if you want. It’s wheat free.” He says, kissing him once more before moving into the bedroom to put his shoes on.

 Carlos finally gets home around eleven to find Cecil asleep on the couch with Stark Trek: The Next Generation playing quietly in the background. Half a glass of Rosé sits on the coffee table but both the lasagna and the cake are untouched. Cecil’s purple glasses sat crooked on his face and his clothes were rumpled enough for Carlos to assume that he’d been asleep for at least an hour. Carlos quietly sits down the bottle of Arbor Mist-raspberry of course- on the coffee table and kneels down beside the couch. He had to go to three different stores to find it, but he didn’t mind. He brushes back Cecil’s bangs and kisses his forehead. Cecil stirs a little before snapping awake and jerking upright.

“No!” He gasped, making Carlos fall back.

“Cecil?” He asked.

Cecil looked around before his eyes landed on Carlos and him visibly relaxed. “Oh. Carlos. You’re back.” He smiles.

“Are you alright?”

“Yeah. I’m fine. Just a bad dream is all.”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“Not tonight.” Cecil shudders. “What time is it?”

“Eleven ten.” Carlos picks himself up off of the floor. “I know it hasn’t been the best birthday, but we still have fifty minutes we can salvage.”

“Sorry I fell asleep. I wanted to wait up for you.”

“I don’t mind. It was a cute sight to come home to. I got you something.” Carlos says, handing over the bottle.

“Where did you find this?!? Everyone is sold out!”

“I just got lucky I guess.”

The truth was that he drove two towns over to find it, but Cecil didn’t need to know that.

“Thank you.”

“There’s one more thing.”

“Oh?”

“Wait here.” Carlos instructs, going to his room and getting the box and returning to the couch.

Cecil takes it with a curious expression and opens the box. Nestled in silver tissue paper is the vest that Carlos had ripped when Cecil had gotten shot. It was cleaned and repaired, with a red flannel heart sewn onto the left side, over his heart.

“One of the holes was to big to fix so I improvised with one of my own shirts.” Carlos admits, rubbing the back of his head.

Cecil looks at him, a gentle expression on his face. “I love it.”

Carlos kissed him once. “Happy Birthday Dearheart.”

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CECIL’S CAKE RECIPE!!!

Okay so I’m from the south and the best damn cake ever is called a hummingbird cake. It’s been in my family for literally forever. And now y’all have the recipe.

3 cups all-purpose flour

2 cups sugar

1 teaspoon salt

1 teaspoon baking soda

1 teaspoon ground cinnamon

3 large eggs, beaten

11/2 cups vegetable oil

vanilla extract(as much as you feel is right)

1 (8-ounce) can crushed pineapple, undrained

2 cups chopped bananas

1 cup chopped pecans

Shortening

Cream cheese frosting

1/2 cup chopped pecans

How to Make It

Step 1

Preheat oven to 350°. Whisk together flour and next 4 ingredients in a large bowl; add eggs and oil, stirring just until dry ingredients are moistened. Stir in vanilla, pineapple, bananas, and 1 cup chopped toasted pecans. Spoon batter into 3 well-greased (with shortening) and floured 9-inch round cake pans.

Step 2

Bake at 350° for 25-30 minutes or until a wooden pick inserted in center comes our clean. Cool cake layers in pans on wire racks 10 minutes; remove from pans to wire racks, and cool completely (about 1 hour).

Step 3

Place 1 cake layer on a serving platter. Spread 1 cup Cream Cheese Frosting over cake layer. Top with second layer, and spread 1 cup frosting over cake layer. Top with third cake layer, and spread top and sides of cake with remaining frosting and pecans.

I also like to mix coconut into the frosting

frosting is optional and the pineapple can be substituted with cherries

[wongpuppy]

FATED, huang xuxi

↳ Rating lots of fluff + slight crack

↳ Pairing player!Xuxi x Y/N

↳ Word count 5k [ one-shot / soulmate!au ]

↳ Summary the red thread of fate was real after all, managing to make something out of nothing

Red Thread of Fate: ancient Chinese mythology about the lunar matchmaking god Yuè Lâo tying a red thread around the ankles of destined lovers at the age of 21; regardless of place, time, or circumstances.

The DJ played hectic, bass heavy EDM tracks that contrasted drastically to the semi formal themed party. You down the red of the alcoholic contents in the red solo cup with a wide smile, turning to your best friend Ella.

“Thank you for forcing me to come! I’m having the time of my life!”

Stress has been your closest best friend lately, with all the exams and projects being thrown at you. So when Ella asked you to go out with her, you were definitely more than hesitant at first.

You throw your hands in the air and Ella smirks at you. “I told you you’d have a blast.”

The sea breeze flows through your hair when you close your eyes and throw your head back, appreciating the open decked yacht and everything this extravagant party had to offer. You were on some random yacht off the coast, still close enough to be able to see the city. The moon was completely full tonight, high and dominating the entire sky.

Your tipsy mind free from troubles and bad thoughts. You felt reborn the moment the time went past midnight.

The DJ announces that it was midnight and the crowd cheers heavily and you join, not really knowing why exactly the mass of people were going crazy.

“You never did tell me what club this is or event this was, you know.” You take another cup of beer from the bar and chug the whole thing down in one go.

Ella’s eyes widen at your question and she laughs nervously, sipping on the cup in her hands. “Funny story, Y/N.”

You motion for her to go along whilst nodding and dancing to the song the DJ played, not really focused on what she was saying.

“This isn’t a club or event.” She sighs and avoids your gaze. Eun says the next sentence quick and all in one breath, knowing exactly how you’re gonna take it. “Its Xuxi’s yacht, and he’s now officially 21!”

Your best friends throws her hands in the air as if to cheers, but you felt every ounce of alcohol fade once she mentions the younger boys name. Whether it was the tequila shots or just how much you hated him, your hearts been racing ever since Xuxi was brought into the conversation.

You knew you could never date a guy younger than you, even if it was just a few months younger like him.

“Are you fucking with me?” Your arms are immediately crossed against your chest as you stare at Ella with a narrow gaze.

Needless to say, Xuxi and your relationship was pretty worse for wear. You loathed him, his intensely cocky personality and ‘i’m richer and better than you’ attitude was a complete turn off. Everything about Huang Xuxi was a complete turn off.

“He invited us.” She shrugged. “You were having so much fun before I mentioned it was his party.”

Invited us? Give me a break. As far as you could tell, Xuxi hated you almost just as much as you hated him. He sneered at you whenever he saw you and even gave you the nickname Top Bitch. Which, to be honest, didn’t really sound all that bad to you.

“Exactly.” You sigh and feel a headache come out of nowhere, leaving you clutching your right temple. “I’m allergic to even the slightest mention of him, I just got a headache. I’ll be back, don’t think you’re in the green.”

You move past the crowd to get towards the bathroom, or anywhere that was at least somewhat quiet. Going inside the large living room, you walk towards a bathroom but when you knock and only hear explicit noises on the other side; you cringe and leave. So you go towards the main bedroom instead, walking in when no one answers your knock.

The empty and quiet room let you release a sigh in happiness, massaging your temples. Contemplating laying down on the large and inviting white bed, you go to the bathroom instead; only feeling your temples throb even more.

You wince as you walk towards and pull open the door to the bathroom only to jump back and shriek at the sight.

None other than Huang Xuxi was leaning against the sleek marble sink, clutching his forehead until he jumped at the sound of the door opening and a girly squeal. You watch him groan and wince before turning to you.

But, amazingly once you connect eyes, the throbbing pain is gone and all you feel is relief. Your shoulders relax, your head feels light, its like a wave of serenity flows all through your body. You couldn’t help but feel so at ease, its like you forgot who you were currently gawking at.

“Y/N?” Xuxi looks at you with dazed, confused eyes before looking you up and down, iris’ doubling size at the sight of your feet. “Oh my god.”

You quickly look down and you instantly get why, mouth falling open.

Your black minidress and strappy black heels allowed for a thin, glowing red thread to wrap and tie itself around your ankle. But it didn’t stop there, you watched in horror as it continued onto the bathrooms tilled floors and under Xuxi’s pants, presumably to tie around his ankle.

You swallow thickly. The string felt like nothing but Xuxi and you could definitely see it, the vibrant red surrounded by a bright white light.

“What the hell is going on? Did you do this? Is this some sort of joke?” You stare at the last visible end of the thread before it disappears under the tall, irritating boys pants. He sighs, still staring at your ankle and the ribbon with a disbelieving look.

“No, princess, its a stupid fairytale my dad used to tell me. Guess its fucking real, huh.” Xuxi squeezes his eyes shut and you’re stood there in the doorway between the bedroom and bathroom still in shook. “Red thread of fate, a Chinese myth about a string that ties around two fated lovers ankles. We’re... We’re soulmates.”

The two of you stare at each other with disbelief written all over your faces, before you burst into laughter. “Thats a joke right? You’re definitely messing with me.”

When Xuxi continues to stare at you with his wide brown eyes, your laughter soon fades when you realize his facial expression wasn’t changing at all. Your face falls and you quickly reach down to your ankle, trying to pull at the string. Your hand just goes through it, as if it was just a hologram.

Your jaw drops. “H-How?”

“I don’t know.” Xuxi replies, eyes watching your hand go through the thread, yet the thread followed your foot wherever it went. “This... This is so fucked up.”

You grumble and give up, sitting on the floor and careful not to flash that guy-your soulmate your undies. Crossing your arms across your chest, the both of your eyes set on the thread connecting the two of you. You swallow thickly when a thought comes to your mind.

“Why aren’t you calling me Top Bitch?”

Thats when you fully take notice that this whole hour consisted of a very different Xuxi, one that hasn’t called you any names or threw a comment at you. He hasn’t cursed at you, hasn’t given you any looks, this was definitely unusual for Xuxi. This Xuxi was full of big, brown eyes that seemed to be permanently dazed. His words were softer, almost as if Xuxi’s voice got gentler the second he turned 21.

Xuxi’s eyes whip to yours and they’re obviously wide. “Holy shit. I haven’t called you that.” He swallows thickly and quickly looks away from your gaze with pink on his cheeks. “I don’t feel like I want to anymore.”

For the first time in the whole three years you’ve known Xuxi, your heart flutters for a second. But that one second is so profound it leaves you clutching your chest and shaking your head slowly.

“What is going on with me?”

“You’re falling for me, Y/N.” Xuxi lightly smirks for the first time since the two of you locked eyes, which is very surprising. He sighs a second later and taps the sink. 

“Shut the fuck up.” You sneer at him and scrunch your face. “This is all my drunk mind and everything will wear off in an hour or two.”

Xuxi sits on the floor leaning against the sinks drawers. “Enjoying my party?” He’s sitting across from you and the end of his feet reach your knees where the ends of yours reach the middle of his calf. You take a quick inhale and look away.

“I guess. Then this crazy migraine came out of nowhere and now I’m here.”

“Same here. But its completely gone now.”

That definitely meant your headaches were connected. There was no way the both of you could get a headache at the same time then have it leave at the same time. 

The red thread. 

Your eyes narrow and you go to nudge his calf, but once your foot touches his leg, it was like adrenaline flew through your bodies, goosebumps instantly rising. And when you looked at the thread, it started to slowly loose its vibrancy. Your eyes widened.

“Xuxi, look, if we’re touching the string gets dimmer and fades really slowly. If I pull away it stops.” You show him and nod to yourself with a small grin. “So it should fade away the more we’re touching.”

When you look up at Xuxi, he looks as if he was daydreaming but looking directly at you. His lips were in a small side smile and eyes low. The way he managed to look at you pretty intimately made your cheeks pink. “I think that’s the first time you’ve said my name.”

“Thats definitely not true.” You scoff and can’t help but laugh under your breath. Xuxi’s grin widens just a little at the sight.

“Lets just say it was then.”

Your grin is unbearably wide and you couldn’t believe it, never once thinking Xuxi of all people would be making you blush. But then you remember that it was Xuxi and you clear your throat and rolled your eyes. “Please, Xuxi, how many other girls have you used that on?”

“If I’m being completely honest, a lot.” Xuxi twists the rings on his fingers and you scoff loudly. When you sit up to leave, he leans forward and lightly grasps the back of your calf and you let out an audible gasp.

It was crazy, it felt like butterflies that took a lot of steroids.

“But up until an hour ago, I’ve only been thinking about one girl and its only been you.” You’re standing up and you swallow thickly at the honesty in his voice and big, brown eyes. “Which is fucking insane because we’re supposed to hate each other... right?”

You run your hands through your hair and sigh. “Its this red string thing. But the feelings aren’t real, it’ll all fade, look.”

You point to your ankles and the slightly faded string but Xuxi keeps his eyes on you, swallowing thickly at your sentence.

“Don’t you... don’t you feel like this is something more?”

Your eyes snap back up to Xuxi’s and your throat goes dry. He immediately gets up and motions between the two of you. “I don’t know about you but I’ve never felt anything like this before and I’ve been in love, so, this is different.”

You narrow your eyes at him. Xuxi? In love? That was an idea you never would’ve connected. Yet, you couldn’t help but agree. Even if you’ve never really been in love, you’ve felt it and knowing exactly how much you hated Xuxi, whatever was still keeping you in the bathroom with him was powerful.

“Why us?” You sigh and squeeze your eyes shut. “I’m soulmates with a guy who sleeps with a different girl every night!”

“Hey.” Xuxi frowns and takes a few steps towards you. “Thats not true. You know I won’t do that to you, I’m not that type of guy in relationsh-“

This Xuxi was definitely one that you aren’t used to, seeing him in a completely different light. It was as if he really did care.

“I don’t know that you wouldn’t do that to me!” You point a finger to his chest and ignore the sparks that go off from the smallest contact. “And don’t talk about us in a relationship, take a few steps back.”

He rolls his eyes and holds his hands up, moving back and away from you. And even though you know you asked him to move back, you couldn’t help but feel a loss of comfort the more steps Xuxi took. You groan at the feeling.

“I need air.” You mutter, taking one last fleeting look across Xuxi and his big, wide eyes before walking out of the bathroom and bedroom, and out towards the empty front deck. The entire walk your eyes were focused on the red string around your ankle.

No one else seemed to notice the string, as it followed your ankle through the mass of people. When you got to the deck, you take a deep breath and sigh. The three years of unfortunate encounters with Xuxi and you could be compared to a cat and dog type of relationship. The two of you went at it back and forth, ever since you first met.

Three years ago

You and your friends were at some random dorm hall on campus, playing pool and chilling in the community game room. It was around 9:36pm on a Sunday so campus was almost empty, save for the guys playing pool casually next to you.

Not gonna lie, you noticed them the minute you walked in the room, talking to your roommate Ella. Especially the taller, blonde one. He was probably the most beautiful guy you’ve ever seen, with full lips and broad shoulders, he was definitely gonna be stuck in your head for a few days.

But when he caught you staring, he gave you a cocky smirk that had you rolling your eyes. If theres one thing you hated, it was a conceited guy who played girls with that exact smirk.

You’ve had too much experience and you were sure this wouldn’t add to it. In the corner of your eye you watch him and a couple of his friends walk over and you groan, nudging Ella. “They’re coming over.”

“Sheesh, blondies a looker. I caught you rolling your eyes when you saw him.” She sneaks a look at him and turns back to you with a satisfied grin.

“Not my type.” You cross your arms across your chest and boldly turn to watch him and his friends get closer. “He’s way to cocky for me, I feel it.”

“I like them confident.” Ella eyes you. “Can I go for him?”

“Go for it.” You shrug at her and turn back when the guy in question and his friends are in front of you and your friends.

“I don’t think we’ve seen any of you before.” The blonde guy keeps his gaze and smirk locked securely on you. “Do you live in the hall?”

“We live in Beacon across campus.” Even if Ella’s the one that spoke up and answered, Xuxi takes his time looking away from you to her. You scoff.

“Interesting.” He turns back to you with a cheeky grin. “I’m Xuxi.”

“My names Ella.” She holds out her hand towards him and he looks away from you with a little wink. You shake your head and turn to his friends instead. They seemed a lot calmer than Xuxi, the two boys now turned to you with warm grins.

“Hey, I’m Y/N.” You nod your head at them and they nod back. The one with light brown hair and a pretty smile answers first.

“My names Kun, I’m Xuxi’s roommate.”

“Sicheng, nice to meet you.” The boy with flawless features and light blonde hair replies.

“Nice to meet you guys too, both of you freshman?”

“No, Sicheng and I are sophomores. This is your first semester here?” Kun replies and you nod grinning at him.

“And you aren’t caught up by the force that is Huang Xuxi, impressive.” Sicheng smirks and you laugh a little, shrugging.

“Theres a lot more to a pretty face.” You look back over to Xuxi and where he stood with your friends a couple feet away. You turn back to them with a grin. “So what’re you guys’ majors?”

“Xuxi and I are both business majors.” Kun replies with a shrug. “I’m not really into it, more into editing and videography, which I do on the side.” 

“I’m a theatre major.” Theres a faint pink hue that spreads across Sicheng’s face until he shrugs it off. “My parents wouldn’t let me go to acting school so this is the closest thing to that.” 

You laugh loudly and shake your head at the two of them, already knowing you’re going to like them. “That’s really cool. I’m a bio major, but I might switch because it’s already getting hard and I don’t like that.” 

Kun visibly cringes while Sicheng shrugs. The lighter blonde boy smirks at you, nudging Kun. “He failed intro to bio twice in his freshman year, it was pretty sad.” 

You laugh again and when your eyes fleet across the room for a second, you catch Xuxi’s eyes. He turns back to you with another smirk.

“I don’t think I got your name.” Xuxi excuses himself from the girls before walking over to you without another word.

“It’s Y/N.” You give him an unimpressed look when he looks you up and down. He grins wolfishly.

“Thats a lovely name and, do I hear an accent?”

“Get her whole life story then her snapchat, bro, always works.” Kun scoffs and you grin at him. You pull out your phone towards Kun and Sicheng, away from Xuxi.

“Speaking of, can I get the both of yours?”

Both their eyes widen slightly before nodding and pulling out their phones and exchanging codes. Behind you, you can hear Ella and the girls hounding Xuxi for his snapchat and you release a sigh of relief.

Until Kun turns to the girls and asks for their usernames. Whilst Kun and Sicheng were getting the girls’ codes, it left you and yours truly free.

“So, Y/N,” Xuxi takes a few steps towards you, “my snapchats h-u-a-x-u-x-i.”

You raise a brow. “I don’t remember asking for it, do you?”

He looks confused for a second before his smirk grows. “You’re feisty, huh. Don’t worry, babe, I love a challenge.”

You scrunch your face in disgust, wondering how such pretty looks can be obscured by such a narrow personality. But before you could say anything, Ella’s voice calls Xuxi’s name and you sigh in relief.

“I’ll catch you in a bit, Y/N.” He winks at you while walking backwards and towards Ella. You wave with a fake smile before turning away with a roll of your eyes. You turn to Kun and Sicheng instead, enjoying their company much more than Xuxi’s.

Later that night you get a notification on your phone and its a request from none other than ‘huaxuxi’ himself. You nibble on your bottom lip for a few minutes before accepting it. And you already felt like you would regret this.

Xuxi: Kun spilled and told me your username :)

Y/N: tell kun i dont like him anymore

Xuxi: Does that mean you like me more?

Y/N: that would require me to like you in the first place :)

It only takes Xuxi a week before he realizes that you actually didn’t like him and decided that you thought of yourself too highly. From then came Top Bitch and the countless sneers and scoffs. 

And thats just how it was for the both of you, never any different.

You’re sitting in the cafeteria with the girls when some of the NCT boys walk by, making you roll your eyes and sink in your seat lower catching a glimpse of who was there. But instead of walking up to your table, Xuxi just walks by and doesn’t even say hi making you furrow your brows. 

“Did Xuxi just ignore me?” You mutter to Ella once he’s a good distance away. You keep looking at him sneakily behind her shoulder and when he catches your gaze, instead of smirk or wink, Xuxi glares at you. “Holy shit he just glared at me.” 

“Maybe he gave up, isn’t that what you wanted?” Ella replies, shrugging at you. 

“Yeah.” You say quietly, swallowing thickly when your throat goes a little dry. “Yeah, it is.”

⇝⇝⇝

It isn’t until that moment that you realized you completely ditched Ella. You groan and quickly pull out your phone from the back of your tight, strapless dress. Texting her where you were, you at least knew she would still be on the boat.

You put away your phone and sigh, leaning against the yacht railing and watching the moonlight play against the water, the full moon still bright and powerful. The cities colorful and lit skyline looks almost animated and magical.

“I’ve been looking everywhere for you!”

You turn your head to the sound of your best friends voice, Ella walking towards you with narrowed eyes. You sigh and shake your head.

“You wouldn’t believe what I went through.”

Ella raises a brow at you once she’s beside you. “Oh? Do tell.”

You nibble on your bottom lip and realize you didn’t even know where to begin. How do you tell someone that a magical, mythical Chinese fable about soulmates happened to you?

“Remember three years ago when we met Xuxi?”

Ella’s eyes get a bit widened, noticing the way you say his name without cringing. She nods and motions for you to go on.

“Why didn’t you ever go for him?”

“Oh, honey,” she sighs and rolls her eyes, “I tried. He was just too... preoccupied, I guess.”

“Preoccupied?” You furrow your brows and turn back to the view.

“Y/N, he was like hooked on you the minute he saw you. Theres no way you didn’t notice.”

You sigh loudly and face her with a stressed look.

“Do you see anything tied around my ankle?”

Ella gives you a funny look before looking down and confusedly on your ankle. “No? It’s too dark, here let me put flash on.”

You look down at the still half vibrant red thread that stood out in the darkness with a sigh. “Never mind, it’s okay.”

“Are you okay, Y/N?” Your best friend gives you a worried look, never seeing you like this before.

Your chin wobbles and you close your eyes. “Xuxi and I, we’re soulmates.”

Ella stares at you, waiting for you to shout ‘JK’ or to laugh it off. But your straight face doesn’t falter, making your best friends eyes widen.

“How do you know? Xuxi? Soulmates?”

Your eyes pull open and you sigh at her. “Its hard to explain but yeah it’s true.”

“Is it true to you though?”

You look at Ella’s face and hesitates before nodding a little. Now that you were apart from Xuxi, your mind was clear but there was an obvious divide. When you were with him there was electricity in the air, sparks flying from the slightest look. It felt like something else completely being around him, it felt nice. Inviting.

“Yeah, Ella, I do.”

⇝⇝⇝

Xuxi collapses on his bed with a loud sigh, already feeling his headache coming back. He knew you were walking further and further, spending three minutes earlier just watching the red thread twist and turn.

Theres no time for him to be alone with his thoughts as his best friend Sicheng walks in a few seconds later. “Xuxi, bro, why are you still in here? The parties outside!”

Xuxi sits up on his bed and rubs his hands over his face. “Have your parents told you about that myth about the red thread of fate? About the soulmates?”

Sicheng furrows his brows and gets up from his place where he was leaning against a desk table. His confused face was obvious, Xuxi never being the one to talk anything about love, feelings, or soulmates. “Yeah, why?”

“Its true, bro.” Xuxi sighs and avoids Sicheng’s eyes, focusing on the floor. “Y/N and I...”

Sicheng’s eyes snap down to the exact placement of the thread and he comes closer. “I don’t see anything, Xux.”

“Obviously.” The taller boy motions for the vibrant red string. “But Y/N and I definitely do.”

“No fucking way.” The other Chinese guy shakes his head staring at Xuxi’s ankle. Until a smirk blooms on his face. “Y/N, though? I’m not surprised.”

“Right?!” Xuxi groans and stops, realizing Sicheng said the complete opposite of what he thought the guy would say. “Wait, what do you mean? We hated each other.”

“In the whole three years we’ve known each other, Y/N’s the only girl thats been consistently in your life that isn’t family.” Sicheng shrugs and continues to smirk at the boy sitting on the bed. “Which is insane because, you know, it’s you. And I am now 30 dollars richer thanks to you and Mr. Kun.”

Xuxi completely skips over the second sentence once Sicheng finishes talking, turning to the boy with wide eyes and an incredulous look. “The both of you bet on Y/N and me?!”

“To date, yeah, but this whole fate thing is basically the same thing, right?” Sicheng laughs loudly and winks at Xuxi. “I’m joking, man. But, knowing Y/N, she isn’t too happy with this?”

“That’s an understatement. She’s outside getting air.” Xuxi lays back down with a groan. “When it went past midnight, its like my feelings towards Y/N flipped. I feel so different towards her, like, I don’t mind this whole... situation, you know? The whole soulmates thing?”

“Then what the fuck are you doing here?” Sicheng claps loudly, instantly pulling him out of his reverie and forces Xuxi on his feet. “Go and tell her that!”

“Are you sure?” Xuxi gives him a small look, not really knowing what to do in this position at all. He was used to girls but you were something completely different, not like any girl he’s ever dealt with. The last thing Xuxi wanted to do was piss you off, knowing how heated you would get. 

“One hundred percent.” The shorter boy shrugs with a smirk. “When am I ever wrong, Xux? Now, go!”

Xuxi hurriedly runs out of the bedroom without a second thought, racing to find you. It was clear as day in his mind now, Xuxi realized that all these years of detesting you was nothing but a hoax, because if you were ever somehow out of his life; Xuxi wouldn’t know what to do. 

He doesn’t stop to wink or talk to girls, only thanking and waving at the people who told him happy birthday. Xuxi was a man on a mission, racing through his yacht to get you.

“Y/N.” He gets to the front deck and slows his steps when you aren’t alone. Your best friend, Ella, he recognized, stood beside you with dear in headlights eyes. “Oh, shit, sorry, I thought you were alone.”

“Oh! Its okay, I was just asking about rides back home.” Ella laughs nervously, nudging you low key. “I’ll see you in a bit, okay?”

You nod and watch your best friend leave, not without throwing you a thumbs up and wink before she was gone. When its just you and Xuxi, the electricity is back and the headache is gone.

“Your headache stopped too?” You ask him and he nods at first before he realizes what you asked and Xuxi’s eyes widened.

“How did you know my head hurt?”

You shrug and the corner of your lips pull up. “Soulmate thing.”

Xuxi’s eyes focus on your smile for a second longer then bubbling laughter flows out of him. He takes some steps closer to you, reaching forward to hold your hand. Theres the feeling of pop rocks the second your hands touch and its addictive.

“The feelings aren’t fake or gonna fade in a day or two.” Xuxi clears his throat and blushes a little, the tops of his ears turning red. “They’ve always been there. This whole string thing just made me realize it.” 

The moonlight, colorful city lights, and fairy lights decked throughout the yacht made this moment so magical, for the first time that night, you fully believed in the old Chinese wise tale. 

“You piss me off a lot but I don’t know what I’d do without it.” You say with a shrug, smirking not long after. Xuxi chuckles and bites down on his lip, looking down at you.

“Are you willing to give it a shot, Y/N?”

You sigh and playfully roll your eyes, standing closer to him. “I guess I will, Xuxi.”

The red thread between the two of you dissolves almost all together the longer the two of you keep smiling at each other. Seconds later, fireworks go off in the backdrop and scares you, making you shriek and jump. Xuxi laughs loudly and holds you against his chest, watching the colorful lights in the sky.

“I forgot the fireworks went off at 2am.”

“Why 2 in the morning?” You laugh loudly, unable to stop yourself from clutching onto his chest to get closer. The warmth Xuxi gave off was so inviting.

“So people don’t forget it’s my birthday.” Xuxi smirks to himself, obviously proud of himself. You roll your eyes but laugh none the less.

“You’re unbelievable, Xuxi.”

[ralphmorgan-blog1]

How I Got Sent To Rehab For Being Too Gay

Flickr / rabble

I grew up as a sassy little boy in Arkansas. My parents separated when I was three or four years old and had an ongoing custody battle for me and my two older sisters until my seventh birthday. I was raised by my sisters, who had to grow up far beyond their years at such a young age. While they were raising me, my parents would use us as pawns in their game against one another. Wed be carted from one parent to the other every other weekend, despite our tears, screaming, and demands for all this to stop. It wasnt our choice; the court had ordered it.

Ive always known that I was gay. In fourth grade I told my best friend that I was in fact a bio-sexual. Yes, I said bio-sexual, and I remember explaining to him that that meant that I liked both boys and girls. He looked at me for a moment, as if planning his next move, and he promptly said that he didnt want to play with me that day. I went home, and the next day I told him that Id just been joking. Though he accepted my excuse, he became my enemy when he rode his bicycle down the street, called out my name, and then spat in my face. Rage filled me as I stomped down the pavement after his bicycle, grabbing at his backpack in anger. It was then that I realized that Arkansas was not the best place in the world for me. I had to get out.

It wasnt until I was 14 years old, after I had read Harry Potter and done copious amounts of research, that I decided that I wanted to go to boarding school. My mother was against these sorts of ideas, coming up with all manner of excuses, including telling me that I was going to die and that Id never see her again. My father, on the other hand, loved this idea, because the only way it could be properly executed was if he had custody of me, a thing he had been seeking so desperately for many years. Years later, I question his motives. Why would he want custody of his son when he was just going to send him off to boarding school? Why would he want kids if he wasn’t going to raise them? But I wanted to go to boarding school, so at the time I didnt care. For the first time, I thought I was finally free.

My freshman year of high school, I attended Stevenson School, a private, co-ed boarding school located in Pebble Beach, Calif. This was an absolute dream. I had finally found a place where I could be myself. I was gay, from Arkansas, and now living in one of the most open-minded states in the nation. By the time Christmas rolled around, I had completely come out of the closet, with minimal resistance from my peers. For the first time in my life, I felt like I had truly found a place that I could call home without the fear or anxiety that my parents caused me.

Spring break arrived, and I traveled back to Arkansas to visit my family. One day my father and stepmother sat me down in the study, a routine they often engaged in when they wanted to catch us children off-guard about a problem that they had with us. This is something that I like to call the sneak attack, where they would gaslight the situation.

My stepmother began. Back at Christmas, your sister found your journal and was shocked by something that you wrote, she told me. We know youre questioning your sexuality, but what do you have to say about that?

I looked from my father to my stepmother and knew my life was about to change. My response: Well, Im gay.

Thats when the frowns began, and I dont think Ive seen my parents genuinely smile at me since. Their questions came at me like bullets: What do you think about the Bible? Dont you want kids? Youre backing yourself into a corner; why dont you wait to decide to be gay when youre 25? I’m far past 25 now and I am most definitely gay.

That summer my father forced me to work as a maintenance man. I had the pleasure of working alongside some of the most ignorant, grotesque men. These middle-aged men would spit homophobic slurs and make sexually suggestive comments about my sisters, and when I used their restroom, I was forced to stare at pictures of naked women that they had posted on the wall. As I endured my own personal hell, I came to the conclusion that my father was somehow trying to butch me up. It was as if he thought that if I spent enough time doing manual labor, listening to crude humor, and keeping away from the arts, the gay would eventually just wash away. It didnt work. What worked was that that I learned patience, perseverance, and the value of staying true to myself. I also learned how to fix a sprinkler system. I chronicled all those days in my LiveJournal that summer. Finally it was time to go back to my boarding school.

My first week back at school, my father and stepmother came to pick me up to send me to rehab for being too gay. I was sitting in biology class when my advisor came to pull me out of class. I asked her if I was in trouble, and she assured me, Of course not. On our way to the admissions building, where her office was located, she casually asked me what Id done over the summer, how my siblings were, and how my parents had been taking my coming out of the closet. I told her that my summer had been hell, that my siblings were grea,t and that my parents werent really handling my coming out very well. As we walked into the admissions building, I could see two men sitting on the couch eyeing me suspiciously (I later found out that they were narcotics officers who had been hired to restrain me and escort me if I tried to escape), as well as my advisors husband and the dean of students. Everyone was just staring at me with the saddest look in their eyes. My advisor then walked me to the door, and I will never forget what she said to me: Im so sorry about whats about to happen. Just know that Tom and I love you. And everyone here at Stevenson does, too. Your parents are here, and theyre taking you away. She then opened the door, and sitting there were my father and stepmother.

My parents told me that theyd hired someone to go through our home computer. Theyd found my LiveJournal, and they were shocked to discover that not only was I gay but I was in fact super-gay. My stepmother looked me in the face and said, You need to butch it up. My father said that theyd also found a profile I had created for myself on a support site for young gay teens. In my biography section, I had said something to the effect of, Since there arent a lot of people in this area, I decided to include myself in the San Francisco area. For this they accused me of soliciting sex online. The wording they used, soliciting sex, made me feel like a prostitute. Additionally, theyd found transcripts of AOL instant messages in which Id discussed with a friend how I would eventually come out of the closet to my younger siblings, who were merely hypothetical at the time. (My stepmother was going through in-vitro fertilization.) Of course, they accused me of wanting to turn my hypothetical siblings gay. I do have younger brothers now, identical twinsbut I’m unaware of what they know about me. I just hope that our parents hate and closed-mindedness didn’t seep into them.

At that point my parents escorted me out of the admissions building, the two narcotics officers holding me by the arms as they led me toward a car. I didnt know why I was being escorted by the two officers; I would later find out that my parents believed that I was on drugs. My peers were watching me as I took the slowest, most humiliating walk of my life. Those two burly men placed me in the car and forced their arms against my shoulders on each side of me so that I was incapable of moving. I felt like a criminal. Then my parents put me on a private plane and sent me to Timberlawn Mental Health System in Dallas, Texas.

As I was admitted into the mental institution, I was visibly upset. Of course I looked crazy, in a Claire-Danes-in- kind of way. I was being put away against my will for being gay, not to mention in a drug and behavioral facility that focused on kids with eating disorders, drug problems, and suicidal tendencies. I didnt belong there. I was stripped of my shoelaces so that I couldnt kill myself with them. I was tested for drugs (it came out negative), given a full-body cavity search (completely clean), and started on a dose of Zoloft that rendered me incapable of feeling any type of emotion. Talk about completely losing every shred of privacy and dignity in a matter of 24 hours. I was a zombie. I was stuck. I was gay and couldnt get out of there.

The kids that I dealt with while in rehab werent the same as me. There was a girl who had tried to cut her fingers off with childs scissors in order to kill herself. There was another girl who had tried to kill herself by wrapping shoelaces around her throat; she was forced to sleep on a mattress on the lobby floor so that the nurses could keep an eye on her at all times. I was the only kid in the unit who was allowed to go to sleep at night with his or her door closed. Several times staff members asked me why I was there, telling me that they thought I seemed pretty level-headed for a teenager. I told them that I was gay and that my parents werent ready to accept it. I was a minor, though, and there was no way of controlling my own destiny when it came to getting out of there. Luckily, I was discharged on my fourth day. I called my parents, thinking that theyd be happy for me and would return me to my boarding school. I was wrong. They were too busy to pick me up, and I was forced to stay there for a full week.

The next facility I was admitted to was Meridell Achievement Center, located outside Austin, Texas. This was a longer-term stay. An alternative program would have been something like Outward Bounds Intercept program, which takes troubled youth on camping adventures in order to teach self-sufficiency and survival skills. I like to describe the differences between these types of programs in MTV terms: Meridell Achievement Center is like The Real World, with youth living in the confines of a safe, structured environment, often fighting (in group therapy in our case), whereas Outward Bounds Intercept program is more like Road Rules, with a group of individuals forced to work together on adventurous outdoor tasks.

I actually enjoyed Meridell Achievement Center, in a Stockholm Syndrome sort of way, because although I was there against my will, the staff assured me that they werent going to try to turn me straight. They asked me what sort of treatment I wanted instead. So I decided that instead of becoming a straight man, I would become more assertive. Over the month and a half that I was at Meridell Achievement Center, we would chronicle our treatment via journaling and a group session called Goals and Feelings. This is where we would sit around in a circle and discuss what our goals and feelings were for the day. This was an extremely cathartic experience. I read the dictionary for fun and worked on my vocabulary.

Eventually my parents began to call and ask me how I was doing in my treatment. They were always vague about why I was there and what I needed to do in order to get out of there. They just kept telling me, You know what you have to do. Work on your treatment. Whatever that meant. After Id been there for a month and a half, they would call and ask, So when do you think youre going to get better? My response was that there wasnt anything wrong with me. Because the facility was so expensive, they once again decided to send me to another facility, for a much longer stay.

I arrived in Sutton, Vt., to attend the King George School upon the first snowfall of the year. If there is a hell, Im convinced that its actually cold and in Vermont. KGS was somewhere between a boarding school and a rehab facility. It was kind of like a prison for shady kids. I was essentially stuck there until I was 18 years old and allowed to discharge myself. Though Im still friends with some of the kids I met there, I was surrounded by misfits. It was horrible. I had a roommate who defecated on the floor, forcing us all to evacuate the dorm for health code reasons. I had another roommate who poked my eye with his penis while I tried to sleep. There was a girl who decided to eat my puzzle pieces so that I wouldnt be able to complete it. These kids were far more troubled than I was as a hormonal gay boy. During my first four months there I didnt receive any kind of psychiatric treatment whatsoever, and then the appointed psychiatrist declared me completely stable and normal. He even told me that I never deserved to be there in the first place. But how to get out?

I remember during Christmas, my parents and my sister came to visit me. They took me off campus to stay at the Wildflower Inn just outside of town. We were having dinner one night and all having a glass of Chardonnay, which only furthers my point of the absurdity of me being in rehab in the first place. The candlelight was dancing across our red faces when my stepmom blurted out that I was an accident, meaning I wasn’t a planned pregnancy between my father and mother. When I asked my father if this were true and if I were a last ditch-effort to save his marriage with my mother, he solemnly answered, Yes.

Finally, after 279 days of rehab, I was released back into the wild. As it turned out, the person who convinced my parents to let me return to Stevenson School was the very woman who had helped my stepmother through her first divorce back in the 1990s. That must have been one hell of a mental breakdown, because that was my ticket back to the place that I loved, the place that had accepted me unconditionally, the place that had made me the strong-willed, no-holds-barred, wonderful gay man that I am today.

As for my relationship with my parents today, Ill tell you this. I called my father the other day and left him a voicemail. I had left him a voicemail every day all summer long, begging for help financially because I don’t know when I’m going to eat next or let alone be able to pay my bills or rent. He hadn’t answered or returned a single phone call. I finally called and asked him if he wanted to have a relationship with me at all. He called me back and began to list all the ways that I had manipulated him over the summer in trying to receive help. Mind you, I suffer from and seek help for major depression and PTSD from childhood and adolescent abuse caused by this man. I am also a recovered alcoholic and have a little over two years of sobriety. By no means am I trying to manipulate the situation, but he instead gaslights the situation and backs me into a corner to make me feel that I had. I let him know that I felt the same about him with this situation on the phone. He did say he wanted to have a relationship with me in the end, but based on his actions and words, he doesn’t. He has five children and he could care less about any of them. Why have kids if you aren’t going to be a father?

In terms of my recovery, I drank a lot because of my memories of my childhood and the experiences I had while in rehab. I have explored in trauma therapy one in particular that had me at the bar almost every night staring into the mirror ahead of me sipping on whiskey, replaying the events from childhood. At the age of three, in his truck, propped up against the steering wheel, the pleas to, Come on, and Quick. That’s the man who sent me to rehab for being too gay. He’s a hypocrite. He sickens me. He’s a monster. And I might as well be done with him for good.

I never got the chance to come out of the closet on my own terms, so I would like to take this opportunity to let everyone know, Looks like I relapsed, because Im still gay.

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